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3. Stop Being A "Good Mom"
8 Plays6 days ago
Are you stuck chasing an impossible standard of being a “good mom”? In this episode, we dive deep into why striving for perfection keeps you overwhelmed, exhausted, and far from the mom you truly want to be. Learn how to rewrite the story you’ve been telling yourself and create a motherhood that aligns with your values—not society’s unrealistic expectations.
What you’ll learn in this episode:
- The brain science behind why the pursuit of perfection leaves you feeling stuck and stressed.
- How to challenge cultural standards and define success in motherhood on your own terms.
- Practical tools to shift from task-focused parenting to meaningful, relationship-centered moments.
- The power of self-compassion and how it can transform your motherhood experience.
It’s time to break free from the “good mom” trap and become the mom your kids truly need. Tune in and start rewriting your story today!
Get my 10 Mindset Shifts for Moms printable at theunstuckmom.com/mindsetshifts
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Transcript
Introduction to Unstuck Mom Podcast
00:00:03
Speaker
Welcome to the Unstuck Mom podcast, where we dive deep into transforming your mindset to create the life you want and deserve. I'm Bethany. I'm here to help you break free from what's holding you back so you can thrive in motherhood and beyond. Whether it's reclaiming your sense of self, strengthening your relationship with your partner and kids, or building the confidence to tackle anything life throws your way, every episode is designed to empower you with practical tools and a fresh perspective. So are you ready to get unstuck? Let's go.
Breaking Free from Limiting Beliefs
00:00:34
Speaker
Hello my friends, welcome back to the Unstuck Mom Podcast. I'm so glad you're here with me today because we are tackling a belief that so many of us moms carry without even realizing it. It's the belief that we need to be a good mom. Now, I know what you're thinking, but of course I want to be a good mom. What's wrong with that? The desire to be a good mom feels natural. It feels like a goal we should all strive for.
00:00:59
Speaker
But here's the truth, chasing the idea of being a good mom might be keeping you stuck, overwhelmed, and feeling like you're never enough. Today I want to help you see this belief in a new light. So we're going to unpack where the idea of being a good mom comes from, why it feels so compelling, and how it's actually working against you.
00:01:20
Speaker
I'll also explain the psychology and a little bit of brain science behind why chasing this ideal creates guilt and stress.
Origins of the 'Good Mom' Ideal
00:01:26
Speaker
And I'll teach you how to rewrite this narrative so you can show up with more confidence, connection and joy in your motherhood journey. If you've ever felt like you're falling short as a mom, this episode is for you. So let's explore how we can let go of the pressure to be a good mom and start embracing the truth that you're already enough. Let's start by breaking down what it means to be a good mom. Think about your own definition for a moment.
00:01:49
Speaker
Who do you picture? What qualities come to mind? Maybe you think of a mom who's endlessly patient, who never raises her voice, always cooks homemade meals, keeps her house spotless, and puts her kids needs first. Always. Sound familiar? Here's the thing, that ideal version of a mom She doesn't actually exist. She's a construct, a story we've been told by our culture, by our families, and even by ourselves. This good mom narrative didn't appear out of nowhere, so for generations society has placed unrealistic expectations on mothers. We've been told explicitly and implicitly that our worth as moms and as women
00:02:29
Speaker
is tied to how much we give, how perfectly we perform, and how well we hide our struggles. Think about social media. How often do you scroll past perfectly curated images of moms doing crafts with their kids? Maybe they're preparing these super fancy meals, or they're just having this glorious smile in their spotless kitchens.
00:02:49
Speaker
These images reinforce the idea that there's a right way to do motherhood. And if you're not living up to it, you are falling short. Here's the first mindset shift I want you to consider. This idea of a good mom isn't a fact.
Effects of Vague 'Good Mom' Definitions
00:03:03
Speaker
It's just a thought, a story. And if it's a thought, you have the power to challenge it and create a new story that actually serves you.
00:03:11
Speaker
Now that we've identified where this belief comes from, let's talk about why it feels so heavy. Why does the idea of being a good mom create so much pressure and guilt? When you think, I want to be a good mom, your brain treats it like a goal.
00:03:26
Speaker
But here's the problem. The definition of a good mom is so vague and ever-changing that it's impossible to measure up. Psychologically, this creates something called cognitive dissonance. So cognitive dissonance happens when your actions don't align with your beliefs or your expectations. So for example, if you believe a good mom never yells, but then you yell at your kids, your brain creates tension. And that tension often shows up as guilt and shame and self-doubt.
00:03:53
Speaker
And then to resolve that tension, many moms respond by just trying harder. So you might think, I'll just be more patient tomorrow. Or maybe you just think you need to do more so you can prove that you're a good mom. But here's where it gets tricky. Trying harder doesn't eliminate the belief that you're not good enough. And in fact, it reinforces it.
00:04:15
Speaker
Let's talk about what's happening
Impact of Stress on Moms' Health
00:04:16
Speaker
in your brain when you're stuck in the cycle of striving to be a good mom. So your brain is wired to respond to perceived threats. And surprisingly, the belief that you're not measuring up can feel like a danger to your brain, even though it's not like a physical danger. But this ends up triggering your amygdala. So that's the part of your brain that's responsible for detecting threats and activating your stress response.
00:04:40
Speaker
So when you do that, stress hormones like cortisol and adrenaline end up flooding your system which puts your body and prepares it for fight or flight or fight flight or freeze. This is really useful in actual emergencies like rushing to catch a child who's about to fall, but it becomes harmful when it's activated chronically.
00:04:59
Speaker
When you're under constant stress, your brain's prefrontal cortex, which handles decision making and emotional regulation and problem solving, that part goes offline. This is why it's so hard to think clearly or respond calmly when you're overwhelmed. Your brain isn't failing you, it's actually doing what it's designed to do under pressure. But there is a cost. So over time, prolonged stress begins to affect other parts of your brain. Like the hippocampus, it's crucial for a memory and for learning.
00:05:28
Speaker
And high levels of cortisol can shrink this part of the brain, which makes it harder to retain information or to adapt to new ways of thinking. This constant state of stress doesn't just stay in your brain, it affects your body too. So chronic cortisol spikes leave you feeling super exhausted and burnt out, even on days when you're not physically active. Over time, your immune system can weaken, your mood can become harder to regulate, and it can even become difficult to experience joy on a day-to-day basis.
00:05:59
Speaker
Ironically, this makes it harder to show up as the mom you want to be. When your brain is in survival mode, you lose the ability to stay patient or handle challenges calmly or connect with your kids in meaningful ways. When you
Redefining Success in Motherhood
00:06:11
Speaker
let go of the need to be a good mom and redefine success on your own terms,
00:06:15
Speaker
you free yourself from this cycle. Your stress response quiets down, your prefrontal cortex re-engages, and you can finally approach motherhood with the intentionality and the presence that matter the most. So this isn't just about changing your thoughts, it's about understanding how your brain works so that you can work with it and not against it. By stepping off the treadmill of perfectionism, you're not just giving yourself grace, you're creating the conditions to show up as the mom you actually want to be.
00:06:44
Speaker
So now that we have a little bit of brain science behind us, let's dive into how the belief of being a good mom creates roadblocks in your life. So the first reason is that it creates this version of all or nothing thinking. When you're chasing the good mom ideal, you're stuck in this black and white type thinking. So you either feel like you're doing everything right or you're failing completely. So for example, if you forgot to pack your kids lunch, you might think, oh, I'm such a bad mom. But is that really true? Or is it just a neutral circumstance that you're attaching meaning to?
00:07:16
Speaker
The second reason is that it blocks self-care, so the belief that a good mom sacrifices everything for her kids makes it hard to prioritize herself. But research shows that children thrive when their parents model self-care.
00:07:28
Speaker
Taking care of yourself isn't selfish, it's essential. And the third reason is that it keeps you focused on what's wrong. When you're constantly measuring yourself against the good mom standard, your brain naturally looks for evidence of how you're falling short. This is called a negativity bias and it's something that we're all wired to have.
00:07:47
Speaker
So your brain is doing its job, but we've got to figure out how to work with it. If trying to be a good mom is keeping you stuck, so then how do you begin to break free? The first step is to recognize that the good mom narrative is just that, a narrative. It's a story created by societal, cultural, and even your family's expectations, but it's not an objective truth.
00:08:07
Speaker
The power of this realization is that if it's just a story, you then have the ability to rewrite it into one that truly aligns with your values and your goals. So I'm going to give you five steps on how to do this. If you want to write them down, that's great. If you just want to follow along and come back to this at a later time, that's also awesome. But yeah, let's dive in. So the first step to rewriting your story is to question the impossible standards you're trying to meet. So for example, you might believe a good mom always keeps the house spotless. Ask yourself, is that true? And more importantly, does it reflect what you truly value? Maybe your priority isn't a perfectly clean house, but instead it's this warm or welcoming home where your kids feel comfortable. Letting go of that belief might mean choosing to prioritize playtime with your kids over vacuuming. So you're not failing.
00:09:02
Speaker
You are aligning your actions with your values. The second step is to embrace your humanity. Another common belief is that a good mom never loses her temper. Let's reframe this. Think back to a time when you felt frustrated and you snapped at your child. Maybe when they were refusing to put on their shoes and you're running late. And instead of spiraling into guilt, recognize that losing your temper doesn't make you a bad mom. It makes you human.
00:09:29
Speaker
What matters more is how you repair those moments. For instance, after snapping at your child, you could sit with them and say, I'm sorry, I yelled. I was feeling overwhelmed, but that's not your fault. I love you and I'll try to handle my frustration better next time. This act of repair not only strengthens your bond, but also teaches your child how to navigate emotions and mend relationships, which is a far more valuable lesson than always maintaining this perfect composure.
00:09:56
Speaker
Step three is to define success on your
Crafting Personal Success Definitions
00:10:00
Speaker
own terms. So instead of measuring yourself against this vague unattainable ideals, create a clear and personal definition of success in motherhood.
00:10:10
Speaker
Ask yourself, what do I want my kids to remember about their childhood? Chances are it's not a spotless house or the perfectly packed lunches, but how safe, how loved, or how valued they felt. For example, if family dinners feel stressful to coordinate every night, you might decide that having one meaningful meal together each week is enough.
00:10:30
Speaker
During that time you can put away distractions, you can share stories, and just focus on connecting. This approach prioritizes quality over quantity and it helps you focus on what truly matters without overwhelming yourself. Step four is to focus on connection. So instead of measuring your worth by how much you accomplish, prioritize the quality of your interactions with your kids. For example,
00:10:53
Speaker
Imagine you're folding laundry and your kid asks you to play. And instead of feeling torn, you could say, I'd love to play with you for 10 minutes, then I'll finish the laundry. This way you're showing your child they're important to you while also modeling boundaries and balance. This mindset shifts allows you to focus less on being busy and more on being present. It's not about completing tasks perfectly. It's about building meaningful connections that create these lasting memories for your children.
Embracing Self-Compassion in Motherhood
00:11:20
Speaker
And the fifth and probably most important step is practice self compassion. So when you catch yourself thinking, I'm not doing enough, or you just feel like you're not doing enough in general, pause and reframe that thought. Tell yourself, I'm learning and I'm doing the best I can with what I have right now. Self compassion isn't about lowering your standards. It's about treating yourself with kindness that you would extend to a friend. For example, if a friend told you, that she felt like a bad mom because she forgot to pack her child's favorite snack. Would you tell her she's failing? No. You would remind her that it's a small mistake and reassure her of all the way she shows up for her kids every day. So try offering yourself that same
00:12:04
Speaker
Grace. It's so important in reconnecting and having your own back. Rewriting your story isn't about doing more. It's about thinking differently. By letting go of the good mom ideal, you create space to focus on what truly matters. This allows you to show up as the mom your kids need, a real, present, and imperfect human being who loves them deeply. And that's not just good enough. It's exactly what they need. So moms, here's the truth.
00:12:33
Speaker
There's no such thing as a perfect mom. And there's no universal definition of a good mom. You get to define what success in motherhood looks like to you. This week I want to challenge you to notice one thought you're having about being a mom. Ask yourself,
00:12:48
Speaker
Is this thought helping me or holding me back? If it's not serving you, try replacing it with something more empowering. Thanks for spending this time with me today. If this episode resonated with you, please share it with another mom who might need this message. Remember, you're already enough just as you are. We'll see you next week.