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Dr. Rick Brandon - Straight Talk (Collaboration & Commitment)
155 Plays3 years ago
Dr. Rick Brandon speaks about his new book "Straight Talk" Influence Skills for Collaboration and Commitment.
We Speak On:
Accountabilty
Perception
Authenticity
Communication and many more tpoics.
Recommended
Transcript
Introduction to Dr. Rick Brandon and His Book
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Bigger talks, bigger talks.
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Back again with another episode.
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I'm so happy and fulfilled because we have Dr. Rick Brandon and he has a new book out called Straight Talk, Influence Skills for Collaboration and Commitments.
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Collaboration and commitment.
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What type of commitment?
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Are we talking about accountability?
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Are we talking about responsibility?
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I mean, this is going to be a great discussion about communication, about listening, right?
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Active listening.
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Because there is something that I like to go by.
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You have to listen to the listener.
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But further ado, Dr. Rick
Early Experiences and Influence of Communication Skills
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Brandon, I just want to say thank you.
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Thank you for being here.
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And how you doing today, man?
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I'm doing great.
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And back at you.
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I really appreciate you.
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inviting me into the bigger world.
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Let's make the world bigger with our communication, right?
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I'm doing great.
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Happy Friday.
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Happy Friday.
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That's phenomenal.
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So before we dive into the details of the book and, you know, who you are, the first question that came to my spirit that came up was where and when did communication
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if you can remember, start for you.
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Like at what age, were you five, six?
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Was it your mom, dad?
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Like where did the communication start for, you know, the doctor?
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Yeah, what turned me on to this whole thing called communication.
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You're going to love this answer.
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I hope you love it.
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I hope you're listening to it because guess what?
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I was communicating before I was born.
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I am a twin.
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I am an identical twin.
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Yes, you readers can't see my face, but God, you can.
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God did this twice.
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Can you believe it?
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So I was communicating seriously at a cellular level.
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I really believe that.
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I really believe that.
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And then my whole childhood, I was really into psychology and communication.
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I used to watch a show back when fire was discovered.
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It was called the 11th hour.
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And at age 10, I would watch it.
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It was about a psychiatrist who does that at 10 years old.
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So I was into communication way back and then studied it through my all through my college and graduate years and my master's and PhD.
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And then I started teaching communication because I decided I didn't want to be a shrink.
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I wanted to be a stretch.
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I wanted to stretch people's minds and their skills and their potential by empowering them with positive communication.
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So you can tell I get excited about this.
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Yeah, that's a bigger talk moment.
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Hold on.
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Can you repeat that?
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You didn't want to be a shrink.
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You want to be a stretch.
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Like, how does that go?
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That is amazing.
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You know, counselors or psychologists are often boxing people in and labeling them and diagnosing, and that was a turnoff for me.
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I wanted to work with the human potential movement and people's greater powers because Abe Maslow, one of the great motivation researchers, he said, we have a nation where there's psychopathology of the average.
The Role of Communication in Personal Growth
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Psychopathology of the average, that we're on autopilot,
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and we're not expanding our potential.
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So he was one of the fathers of the human potential movement, it sounds like a touchy feeling, but we all better be doing that otherwise we're up a creek without a paddle.
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So I didn't want to be shrinking people into labels and boxes, I wanted to really be stretching them and turn them on to their blasting through their boundaries and their plateaus and see more of their potential.
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And it's a lot of things, but part of it is communication skills and optimizing it.
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But give me your take.
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That's mine.
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I mean, no, that's what I've seen.
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I believe, you know, communication, you know, rules and runs the nation.
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Communication is everything.
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Effective communication, vulnerability, being authentic, knowing who you are.
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Your body communicates to you.
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It tells you when you're tired.
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It tells you when, you know, you have pain and you have, you know, I think, you know, where did...
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So you say you have a twin and what profession is your twin in?
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He's a reformed lawyer.
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He's communicating.
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Yeah, that's constant communication and speaking.
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And he needed to learn.
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He tells me to speak, check, paraphrase, speak, check, listen, and not monologue, but it's about a dialogue.
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And many of us get training to monologue in our professions.
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He also was a rock and roll musician, so he's a pretty cool guy.
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And actually, that's my jam on the side too.
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I front an eight-piece R&B band called The New Hip Replacements.
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which is what I, what I do for fun.
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I loved your questionnaire that asked what, you know, what do you, what do you love to do in life?
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And that, that, that kind of connected me with you.
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And so I think I shared that.
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Yeah, because we're more than just, you know, our professions and our title.
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I say, what you do is not who you are.
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And so I like to get to the bigger side, the deeper side of a person more than what they bring to the, you know, the surface.
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Yeah.
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So who, who, you know, at an early age, you know, you, you know, twin, he was communicating in the womb and,
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Coming out and then at 10 years old, watching a TV show.
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Well, who held you accountable?
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Who spoke directly to you?
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Was it your dad?
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Was it your mom?
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Your grandparents?
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Who gave you effective communication and make you think differently about communicating?
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Sure.
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Well, I like to joke I came from a pathologically functional family.
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I didn't have a command and control dad.
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He really had a great sense of humor and his communication was through his humor and his love.
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He wasn't super educated.
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He only went to eighth grade, and yet he was well-read.
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He cared about people.
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He connected.
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He had street smarts.
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And I watched him communicate in groups specifically.
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It's a very cool question because I haven't thought about who inspired me early.
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My mentors later on, sure, I think of those when we talk about that.
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But early on, my dad, Ralph Brandon, who worked in a furniture store after he
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He pumped gas.
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He was a wise soul though, because he knew the secret to life partly was connecting and having fun with people and being affectionate and loving.
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And he was hilarious MC at large scale events, at weddings, et cetera, bar mitzvahs.
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And so that's partly what inspired me to be in front of groups.
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and to do what I call edutainment, teach, but I try to remember my dad and have fun with it too.
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So he was a big influence.
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My mom was an influence in terms of achievement motivation.
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I had to have everything under my name under the yearbook.
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So I call that yearbook-itis, the obsessive compulsive need to have activities under your name and picture in the yearbooks.
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So she inspired that.
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My dad inspired the humor and connecting with people.
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Wow.
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Does that make sense?
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Yeah.
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Mom was holding you accountable and dad said, have fun, son.
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Do your thing.
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Emcee it.
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Personality, right?
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That is such a cool way of thinking of it.
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That was accountability.
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She held me accountable to always not do the minimum and to go for it.
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And I won't sit and list all the things.
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Yeah, you got to become a stretch.
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Mom said, yeah, you got to
Books and Their Impact on Communication
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become a stretch, my son.
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I don't want you to be a strength.
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And I always say, you know, the more we learn, the more we earn.
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But communication is
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And so interesting about this topic and this conversation, for one, I have a podcast because I love communication.
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I love perspective.
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I love stretching my mind, expanding my horizon because everybody grows up differently.
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Experiences are different.
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You get wisdom.
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But as a child, I didn't have that communication.
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I had a little bit of emotional abandonment.
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So I didn't have no one talking to me.
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So I was like, okay, I guess I'll just go talk to everybody else and make it about everyone else.
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And so with that capability, I learned people, I studied people, I watched people.
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What do they need?
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How do I come in and add value?
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Because I didn't feel valuable as a kid because no one would talk.
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Emotionally, it's like mom and dad, they were separated, but they took care of me, but we never had no intimate.
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conversations about life.
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They didn't take care of you emotionally.
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So you found ways to fill your own bucket by connecting yourself with other people.
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It sounds like.
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Yeah.
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And human connection is everything to me.
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Like here talking to you is like, I get light up because I get to learn something.
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Anytime I get to learn from someone that's in a position I'm not, I know something I don't, I want to listen.
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Yeah, you're helping me.
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Yeah, well, it takes one to know one, man.
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If we ain't learning together, we're dying together.
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Hey, I like that.
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So, you know, fast forward to, you know, you have the book.
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So prior to you writing a book, I think I was on your website, brandonpartners.com.
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You have something called Survival Savvy, a Savvy Survival.
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I don't know if I said it correctly.
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Yeah.
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Good enough for rock and roll.
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Survival of the savvy, high integrity.
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And that's high, subtitles, high integrity, political tactics for career and company success.
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So Eric, the first part of my career really was interpersonal savvy and the stuff we're talking about today.
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But I took a detour about 20 years ago because I realized, wait a minute,
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I'm teaching these communication skills, active listening, straight talk, assertive communication, conflict, getting good agreements with people, which hopefully we'll have time to talk about today.
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That's the straight talk book.
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But I took a detour to look at, wait a minute, everything in communication is
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and influence and leadership communication in companies and agencies.
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This book, Survival of the Savvy, was not about interpersonal influence and communication.
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It was about political communications because what I realized is not everything is interpersonal.
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It's vital, but we also need to deal with power and politics in companies or government agencies or nonprofits or schools.
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So that book put us on the map, Brandon Partners on the map.
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I'll never forget going into 7-Eleven store.
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And I picked up the Wall Street Journal.
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This is
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This is this I'll never forget it.
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And I turned to page 15, which is where the book reviews and the bestseller list is.
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And I was on the bestseller list.
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I started screaming.
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And the clerk said, he said, wow, this guy likes Slurpees, you know.
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So, so that was the first foray into that kind of influence, but there's so many kinds of influences, political influences, interpersonal influence.
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We're talking about presentation-based influence, self-influence.
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And by the way, that's a big part of, of straight talk.
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I have to be straight with myself and my own self-talk.
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So there's internal communication,
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and external communication that the book talks about.
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So that was 20 years ago I got into political savvy and then I decided to come full circle in the past few years and decided to write the book right as COVID lockdown happened.
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Because I had, A, I had the time,
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B, people were feeling so disconnected with the lockdown, depersonalized.
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There was social isolation and they've actually done studies.
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The loneliness, that one in five had severe loneliness from remote work and hybrid work.
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let's connect each other again.
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Let's optimize the time when we're together communicating.
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Let's make our virtual communication optimized.
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And so that's why I wrote the book now to kind of do some healing and ease the pain that the disconnected world
Self-Awareness and Communication Skills
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has put us in.
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How's that?
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Yeah.
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It's a reconnection over COVID.
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I spent a lot of time
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I always say, you know, sometimes isolation is elevation.
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I do a lot of work on myself.
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The hardest work we will ever do in life is on ourselves.
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But most of us, I would say about 75 to 80%, we're not programmed to know ourselves, right?
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We're not programmed to communicate to ourselves or to even know what that communication feels or look like.
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You know, what I discovered over time in life is that I can't give somebody something I'm not giving myself.
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And for years I had this people pleasing type of syndrome or energy where I was give, give, give, but I wouldn't receive and I didn't understand why I wasn't receiving until I got the information, right?
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Because they say, the more we reveal, the more we heal.
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And I think that's why therapy and communicating and talking to the people who have more perspective than you have can kind of help you heal and also understand your understanding.
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Because we might have a perception based on the information of something that's not true.
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I could say, oh, my mom and dad didn't love me, but that's my perception is created on the experience I had, but that's probably, it's not necessarily true.
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They did love me.
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They didn't love me the way I wanted to be loved.
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And maybe they wasn't taught that.
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As I say, and they have their own pain and everybody has their own story.
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You're in, I just shivered.
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I tingled when you said that I don't get out a lot.
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I know, but it made an impact when you said you, what came to me is the phrase you can't give from an empty bucket.
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How could you be there for other people if your bucket wasn't filled?
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And so you did that work on yourself, which is noble and courageous.
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You know, you're a pilgrim on the journey.
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Like, like stretching, baby.
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We just stretch it.
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Let's stretch.
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Yeah.
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Yeah.
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And that self-talk and self-influence, it starts there.
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How can you give to someone else?
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I think that's true about giving in general, but especially in our love relationships.
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One of the things I like to say is two halves make a whole.
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I mean H-O-L-E, not W-H-O-L-E.
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If I'm not full myself and I haven't filled my own bucket and I haven't taken care of my inner world,
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how can I be there for my sweetie uh whoever that is so I've been married 32 years and I think that's a huge difference thank you thank you so so you you're talking about your journey in terms of self-healing and before you were talking about filling out some of your loneliness and healing some of that by reaching out and connecting with people and you've made it your life yes um
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And so we've done it in different ways.
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You through your broad-scale outreach to the world, the bigger world.
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Yeah, because that's how I survived.
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Like I wrote a book, 100 Days of Wisdom.
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It's a quote book, but this was when Instagram was 15 seconds.
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And Monday, Wednesday, Friday, I had videos.
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Motivation Monday, Wisdom Wednesday, What's Positive Friday.
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And all I had was that content was my thoughts and what I wanted to bring out, but I was...
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getting the pain I was feeling and I was communicating.
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I was just so I took those videos from seven, eight years ago and put it in a book, the tournaments of words.
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Right.
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And I say all that to say, I think for you, I mean, I'm always thinking big picture, like I don't maybe there are schools.
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there should be a communication school itself, a curriculum around communication, because I wanna know why don't they teach this early on how to effectively communicate?
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Because most of us don't know how to communicate, we don't know how to love, and we don't know how to delegate, and we damn sure don't know how to listen.
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Bingo, bingo, bingo.
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And I'm trying to figure out why, why is that?
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Well, there's been, and you're right, schools need to have, there needs to be a revolution in schools to have, to look at this piece, because there's been such a focus on subject matter.
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They haven't as much, I used to do it actually, ironically, in the 70s and 80s, when I first got into this stuff.
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I actually taught this stuff to school teachers, public school teachers, private school teachers, principals, and it was in the days of what they called, quote, humanistic education, unquote.
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They were actually, surprisingly, back when the wheel was discovered, it was done more than about 10 years, 20 years went by, and they stopped doing it.
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They called it humanistic education and humanizing subject matter.
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And I used to teach that self-awareness skills,
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and social emotional skills.
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And the third thing was a sense of mastery.
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So that was shown, that was being done for drug education and drug prevention was about self-awareness, emotional self-awareness and health, a sense of mastery and confidence.
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I can do things.
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And thirdly, social interaction skills.
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But then for whatever reason, it stopped.
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And I think it's in the 80s and 90s.
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I think what happened late 80s and 90s and 2000s,
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Companies became power drunk and they became money drunk and needing, it's all about
Overcoming Communication Barriers
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profit.
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It's all about profit.
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It's all about getting as much productivity and missing the people factor.
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Now it's turning around.
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And I think there's now companies are waking up to what I call an interpersonal imperative.
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People are so disconnected, stressed out, warp speed work, busy mailboxes and voicemails, the alien, at least the alienated relationship
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faulty communication, costly communication errors, and a sense of depersonalization.
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So companies absolutely are starting it.
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And I think you're right.
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We need to start it even earlier than when someone's at work.
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Let's teach Johnny and Jimmy and Jamal how to listen, how to speak, how to, there's some, they're doing some of it with bullying programs and non-bullying programs and helping kids realize that
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hurt people hurt people, hurt people hurt people.
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But there's not enough of it.
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And there needs to be more and more of it as drug abuse is soaring and anxiety is soaring.
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Am I cheering you up?
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Yeah, here.
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Yeah, because because diversity and inclusion is big, right?
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Dialect.
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The culture you came up in.
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I'm from Baltimore, Maryland, grew up in the inner city where it's tough.
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Go Ravens.
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Yeah, go Ravens, black and purple.
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It's challenging and it's not a lot of resources.
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Maybe they are, but I didn't know about growing up.
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I did well in school, I played basketball.
00:17:50
Speaker
But there's a moment and there's a point in a child's life if he's not diversified in his relationship as a young adult, young man, whoever, young woman.
00:18:04
Speaker
then that person outside of their culture are not comfortable communicating because they don't know how to communicate, right?
00:18:13
Speaker
Like growing up in Baltimore, you know, predominantly black environment, going to college at Hampton University, predominantly black, then moving to LA,
00:18:21
Speaker
You know, it's a different world, it's diverse.
00:18:23
Speaker
So how does one effectively improve their communication?
00:18:28
Speaker
I know Warren Buffett, he has one of my favorite quotes.
00:18:31
Speaker
He said, if you can write, you can read.
00:18:35
Speaker
And if you can read, you can speak and communicate.
00:18:39
Speaker
And if you can do all those things, you have the ability to make money.
00:18:42
Speaker
And so some kids, younger kids where I'm from,
00:18:46
Speaker
They don't write as much.
00:18:47
Speaker
They don't speak as much.
00:18:49
Speaker
They definitely don't read as much.
00:18:51
Speaker
So just in a general synopsis, what can the average human being or individual do just to improve their communication?
00:19:00
Speaker
And then I wanna dive deep into Straight Talk the book.
00:19:03
Speaker
Sure, sure.
00:19:04
Speaker
Well, first off, they have to, I think the first step is always inside is self-awareness.
00:19:11
Speaker
So the first step, first step to responsible behavior change, I like to say is, is awareness.
00:19:17
Speaker
And so a lot of people are on autopilot.
00:19:19
Speaker
You know, you told me before Eric, that you lived in a desert of communication.
00:19:24
Speaker
but you were aware of it.
00:19:26
Speaker
So you had that self-awareness that motivated you to take the next step and start to reach out.
00:19:31
Speaker
I'm not sure if you haven't talked about whether you formally tried to read books on communication, take courses on it at Hampton, or whether you just were self-taught, but something happened for you when you turned on the switch.
00:19:45
Speaker
I got to do something.
00:19:46
Speaker
And hopefully that's, so awareness is the first step.
00:19:50
Speaker
And I think the second one is to ask people
00:19:53
Speaker
ask for help and ask feedback.
00:19:55
Speaker
What are my, what do you think about my communication?
00:19:58
Speaker
What do I need to work on?
00:20:00
Speaker
And maybe you'll find out you need to be like Brandon, you need to shut up and let the other person talk.
00:20:07
Speaker
Or maybe you're too shy.
00:20:08
Speaker
And you told me before, you're more on the passive end, at least you used to be, and sometimes didn't get your needs met.
00:20:15
Speaker
So are we too passive?
00:20:16
Speaker
Are we too aggressive?
00:20:17
Speaker
And that's the first chapter of the book is what I call the self-talk mindset is to take myself off of autopilot and be committed to positive communication for personal growth, for relationships, and for business results, and
00:20:32
Speaker
And then I need to identify my patterns.
00:20:34
Speaker
Where's my pain?
00:20:36
Speaker
Am I typically passive, typically aggressive, or am I assertive?
00:20:41
Speaker
And that's that second step.
00:20:42
Speaker
Self-awareness, asking for feedback, and then taking the challenge and holding myself accountable.
00:20:48
Speaker
to strive for positive communication, learn about it through books, through courses, through asking other people what works for you, which is what you do on every podcast.
00:20:58
Speaker
Yeah, you know, and I think, like I said, learning was key, but I think the biggest thing from the self-awareness piece was curiosity.
00:21:03
Speaker
I was curious, right?
00:21:05
Speaker
The curiosity led me to, I always did well in school.
00:21:07
Speaker
So I was an avid learner and I just, I pride myself on getting good grades, but I knew there was more than something than just Baltimore.
00:21:15
Speaker
And I think over time being so curious about life and people and things, my awareness grew.
00:21:20
Speaker
And then by you talking, I discovered like, oh, wow, I really spoke up for people, but I didn't speak up for myself as a kid.
00:21:27
Speaker
I was very confident when it came to getting somebody else something, but I wasn't confident about getting what I needed.
00:21:33
Speaker
Right, because I felt like the moments I did, I got shut down and nobody was there.
00:21:37
Speaker
So I was like, okay, cool.
00:21:38
Speaker
I'll worry about Rick.
00:21:39
Speaker
And you know, Dr. Rick Brandon, I'll make sure he gets, you know, the number one speaking, you know, installment, you know, we've got to give him 300,000 to speak.
00:21:48
Speaker
He needs 150 right now, you know, you got to get his book, like, you know,
00:21:51
Speaker
I was the hype man for all my friends.
00:21:53
Speaker
I was the leader, but I pushed them to be great because I wanted someone to push me.
00:21:58
Speaker
And then years later, I had a few friends who I thought was gonna go pro in basketball.
00:22:03
Speaker
That was my gift was sports.
00:22:05
Speaker
And then I didn't go.
00:22:06
Speaker
And so I was like, you know what?
00:22:07
Speaker
I gotta go pro in life.
00:22:09
Speaker
So I started learning in LA.
00:22:11
Speaker
And I'm like, hold up.
00:22:12
Speaker
I have a college degree.
00:22:13
Speaker
I graduated with honors, but how am I working a minimum wage job?
00:22:17
Speaker
What am I missing?
00:22:18
Speaker
Thinking Grow Rich as the man thinketh.
00:22:21
Speaker
Seat of the Soul, The Secret.
00:22:22
Speaker
I started reading books and Dr. Joe Dispenza says, knowledge is the precursor to experiencing.
00:22:29
Speaker
From there, I just went to a whole other dimension and the universe starts shifting in my favor at some point.
00:22:35
Speaker
But speaking on Straight Talk,
00:22:37
Speaker
Let's get more into what is your favorite chapter?
00:22:40
Speaker
I know you said the first chapter is about self-awareness.
00:22:43
Speaker
And what else did you say about?
Active Listening Techniques
00:22:45
Speaker
The straight talk mindset of being aware of my own motivation to improve my communication for myself, my team, my company, and to identify my typical patterns of communication.
00:22:57
Speaker
So that sort of, as we said before, in other ways, it's got to start with myself.
00:23:02
Speaker
But I think my favorite, and then the next chapter is about assertive communication and being,
00:23:07
Speaker
being assertive rather than brash or weak and submissive, you know, samurai supervisor or passive, you know, passive guy.
00:23:17
Speaker
But my favorite then is the next couple of chapters, which are on active listening.
00:23:21
Speaker
And you mentioned that before, because I just think that, you know, God gave us two ears and one mouth.
00:23:27
Speaker
What's that say?
00:23:28
Speaker
It's the classic phrase.
00:23:29
Speaker
We need to listen more and check in.
00:23:32
Speaker
And so many people are in the monologue, if they're a manager, you use the word delegation before, but they do it in a command and control as an order, even if it's gentle and not mean, they just talk too much and they don't check.
00:23:44
Speaker
So Eric, what is your reaction to what I'm asking you to do?
00:23:49
Speaker
So even when I'm speaking my agenda and trying to get your buy-in, I need to listen more and really dig deeper, not just push back when you have a concern about the task I want you to do, the assignment that I'm giving you, but I want to dig deep and understand and show compassion and use my empathy, what we call paraphrasing and focus on you.
00:24:10
Speaker
That's the F. Explore, that's the E.
00:24:13
Speaker
And the second E is empathize with paraphrasing.
00:24:17
Speaker
FEE, focus, explore what you're feeling with open questions and acknowledging and empathize with paraphrasing of your thoughts and feelings.
00:24:26
Speaker
FEE, you know why I chose that?
00:24:29
Speaker
No, I don't.
00:24:29
Speaker
Free?
00:24:30
Speaker
Because F-E-E, we pay a fee when we listen.
00:24:36
Speaker
You know that phrase, pay attention.
00:24:37
Speaker
It costs us something.
00:24:38
Speaker
I got to set aside my freaking agenda and really hear you.
00:24:43
Speaker
It takes me time.
00:24:44
Speaker
It takes concentration.
00:24:46
Speaker
So I love how that chapter, and I appreciate the question, I love how the chapter on listening turns people on to the power of listening, the payoffs of listening, what are the costs of faulty listening that are in the billions in the workplace and misunderstanding that happens.
00:25:02
Speaker
And then chapter five is my second favorite because that whole chapter is where you're practicing.
00:25:08
Speaker
You're downloading an exercise journal where all of the whole chapter gives you scenarios where an employee is talking to you, a peer is talking to you, a friend's talking to you, and here's what they're venting.
00:25:21
Speaker
write down in the exercise journal, what, what, it's a drill, what would you say, what, not from your frame of reference, but how would you paraphrase and show empathy for the other person's hurt, their pain, or their upset, or if they're mad at you, so there's a, those two chapters I love, because it's, it's teaching the communication skill of active listening that are so often ignored.
00:25:43
Speaker
Yeah,
00:25:44
Speaker
active listening, paying a fee.
00:25:45
Speaker
And so two stories come up when you say active listening.
00:25:49
Speaker
I was dating a girl for like eight years ago.
00:25:52
Speaker
and we're driving downtown LA and we're driving past this restaurant and she's like, oh, I like it there.
00:25:58
Speaker
And I remember in a podcast, Active Listen that I listened to probably that week or prior and they said, you have to listen to the listener.
00:26:04
Speaker
So when she said that, I said, okay, that's a place she would wanna go to have food.
00:26:08
Speaker
So that was me listening to what she really was saying when she was telling me, oh, I like that place.
00:26:12
Speaker
I think the food is great there.
00:26:14
Speaker
Or, you know, when I was doing my Instagram videos years ago, people will always come and say, you're not getting paid for those videos.
00:26:21
Speaker
Why you keep putting so many videos out?
00:26:23
Speaker
I said, people are paying attention.
00:26:24
Speaker
Eventually I will get paid.
00:26:26
Speaker
Right.
00:26:27
Speaker
And also I thought about,
00:26:30
Speaker
communication.
00:26:31
Speaker
You know, if there's a communication challenge, if you can't pronunciate, right, if your dialect is different, then you're not heard, right?
00:26:39
Speaker
People don't understand what you're saying because you're not ending your consonants or you're not speaking up.
00:26:45
Speaker
My grandmother would say, boy, stop mumbling.
00:26:47
Speaker
You mumble too much.
00:26:48
Speaker
And I didn't understand what she was saying until I got older.
00:26:51
Speaker
Like, damn, I do mumbling.
00:26:53
Speaker
Yeah, what's your name?
00:26:54
Speaker
Like what?
00:26:56
Speaker
So all those things in that realm affects someone's communication, their confidence, and if they can grow in life in some people,
00:27:07
Speaker
because we're not good at communicating, we just kind of stay a shrink and just stay in our world where we come from, the schools we went to, the job that's easy to get because it's safe and it's common.
00:27:18
Speaker
But as I've gotten older and evolved as a man and as an individual and as a business person,
00:27:24
Speaker
There's a thing when you're texting someone, right?
00:27:26
Speaker
I was taught that, you know, if I wanna text you, good morning, hey, how you doing, Dr. Brandon, blah, blah, blah, which is great, because now I'm building some type of rapport.
00:27:35
Speaker
But at the next level, high impact or uber successful people, they get straight to the point.
00:27:43
Speaker
What do you want?
00:27:44
Speaker
Like, yeah, they understand the small talk.
00:27:47
Speaker
It's more like, I need to hold,
00:27:51
Speaker
your equipment for a workout.
00:27:54
Speaker
Like they're not trying to build up for that conversation and getting straight to it.
00:27:59
Speaker
So is that something similar in your realm or something you can kind of relate to to let people know that there are levels to communication?
00:28:07
Speaker
Sometimes you have to kind of delegate and be kind of like soft spoken and diplomat because at times I can be too blunt, right?
00:28:16
Speaker
Come on, oh, you're intense.
00:28:18
Speaker
I'm like, I just know what I want.
00:28:20
Speaker
but some people are not used to that.
00:28:21
Speaker
So how, what do you say to all of that?
00:28:25
Speaker
Well, you said a lot there.
00:28:27
Speaker
So let me see if I got it.
00:28:28
Speaker
The first thing you were talking about was needing to break out of boundaries, self-imposed boundaries.
00:28:33
Speaker
And that reminded me of the old parable of the tiger who's in the zoo in a cage and they take them out one day and they lower this big cage and they take off the bars.
00:28:43
Speaker
He's in a big
00:28:44
Speaker
out in the wilderness and he still walks the same five by eight perimeter because that's what he knew.
00:28:51
Speaker
But what you're talking about is breaking out of that and moving and growing and starting with communication.
00:28:57
Speaker
Then you're talking about this issue of
00:29:01
Speaker
tailoring your communication.
00:29:02
Speaker
Well, actually, I was intrigued by what you said.
00:29:04
Speaker
If I mumble or if I don't articulate, whatever my or my friend Renan, who is from Brazil, brilliant young man who talked to me about how to do well in interviews.
00:29:16
Speaker
And he was concerned about how his accent made him less understood.
00:29:20
Speaker
So what came to me from the listening chapter is I need to listen, but
00:29:25
Speaker
I or Renan or you with slurring syllables, it's a helpful skill to use.
00:29:32
Speaker
The paraphrasing I'm talking about is to ask the other person, what's your understanding of what I just said?
00:29:38
Speaker
I'm not sure if I was clear.
00:29:41
Speaker
And let the other person- That's what you've been doing in this interview.
00:29:44
Speaker
Wow.
00:29:44
Speaker
You were engaging.
00:29:45
Speaker
How perceptive of you for noticing, Eric.
00:29:47
Speaker
Yeah.
00:29:47
Speaker
I was like, oh, this is- I try to occasionally practice what- This is a pattern.
00:29:52
Speaker
I like this.
00:29:53
Speaker
This is different.
00:29:54
Speaker
Okay.
00:29:55
Speaker
Now, I have to be honest with you, sometimes I don't do it, but at least by knowing about it and teaching it, I'm better than I would be if I wouldn't.
00:30:02
Speaker
I always joke with my family one time, Cheryl, my wife, said, oh, I wasn't doing my job of listening.
00:30:09
Speaker
She said, oh, Mr. Listening Skills.
00:30:11
Speaker
I said, sweetie, wait, sweetie, I don't think you understand.
00:30:13
Speaker
I only do it when I'm being paid.
Managing Crucial Conversations
00:30:17
Speaker
But seriously, that's a skill.
00:30:19
Speaker
So the skill is I can use it to make sure I understand.
00:30:22
Speaker
It's the five sisters, clarify and verify that I've understood what you said.
00:30:27
Speaker
I can do it to save time and prevent costly errors.
00:30:31
Speaker
I can do it to understand your ideas, to defuse if you're pissed off at me.
00:30:36
Speaker
By me pushing my point of view and arguing back isn't going to do it.
00:30:40
Speaker
You'll calm down quicker if I use paraphrase.
00:30:42
Speaker
Wow, you really steamed at me, Eric.
00:30:44
Speaker
From your perspective, it's unfair for me to ask you to deliver on the same goals when we've had a head count reduction.
00:30:50
Speaker
Am I tracking you?
00:30:51
Speaker
Yes.
00:30:53
Speaker
And now we're talking about another application where if you're worried that you're not being understood because of slurring, because of dialect, because of Rennon's accent, stop.
00:31:05
Speaker
and the monologue and check what is it that you're understanding me to be saying?
00:31:10
Speaker
Ask them to paraphrase.
00:31:12
Speaker
You might not use those words, but can you summarize what you think I'm trying to get at here, Joe?
00:31:18
Speaker
That's another skill.
00:31:20
Speaker
So you made me think of that.
00:31:22
Speaker
And it pulls you back into the discussion because sometimes stuff is coming down so fast and quick that you might miss the key points.
00:31:29
Speaker
So you might say, hey, you said something about, can you speak on that again?
00:31:32
Speaker
You know?
00:31:34
Speaker
Yeah, you know, and with that, you know, there's a book that I read years ago called Crucial Conversations, right?
00:31:41
Speaker
Yeah, there you go.
00:31:42
Speaker
Yeah, you talk about, you know, people who have bad hygiene, when you want a promotion at your job, when you want to end and close off a relationship and move on, a divorce settlement, all these things.
00:31:55
Speaker
And I'm pretty sure the book has some things tied to like,
00:31:58
Speaker
those areas and then I'm thinking about emotional intelligence.
00:32:04
Speaker
Yeah, EQ.
00:32:05
Speaker
And being emotionally triggered by someone's response.
00:32:09
Speaker
But because how you listen to it, it takes you out of context of what they're really saying.
00:32:15
Speaker
Okay, let's say for instance, I was part of the ABC world, Bachelor and Bachelor in Paradise and Chris Harrison, the host, got ridiculed and got canceled because of something he did.
00:32:29
Speaker
So the people from African-American, Black Lives Matter, people from that world wanted to hold him accountable.
00:32:36
Speaker
But what I discovered in that space from my perspective is that as human beings, just because we come from a certain demographic or background doesn't mean others who look different than us should, because we think they should, understand what we feel and our perception of it.
00:32:54
Speaker
Right.
00:32:54
Speaker
So I know that was a lot, but I'm just I'm just getting it out.
00:32:57
Speaker
So for you, with straight talk, how does one move through a crucial conversation, a tough conversation?
00:33:06
Speaker
What is the first thing that they should be aware of?
00:33:09
Speaker
Okay, so a few things there.
00:33:13
Speaker
And by the way, before I want you to know, I also heard what you were saying before we didn't address it, but, but the importance just underline what you said before, because you bring a lot of no BS here, you bring a lot of wisdom to this.
00:33:26
Speaker
to this topic of communication, because you said we also have to take into account not just the skills, but how you adapt them to someone who you would be coming on too strong with if you amp up.
00:33:36
Speaker
And yet other people need you to do it because they want you to talk fast.
00:33:40
Speaker
They're expressive.
00:33:41
Speaker
But that energy, you can usurp someone else's energy if you let your excitement come on too much.
00:33:47
Speaker
Or...
00:33:48
Speaker
The opposite can be true.
00:33:49
Speaker
So I love what you're saying before about adapting and tailoring how you come on to someone by taking into account their needs and that that's the platinum rule.
00:33:58
Speaker
The golden rule is treat and communicate other people how you would want to be treated and communicated with platinum, treat them how they want to be communicated with.
00:34:06
Speaker
So that I think that showed a lot of inner wisdom.
00:34:09
Speaker
The book crucial
00:34:11
Speaker
Crucial Conversations is excellent.
00:34:14
Speaker
They're a competitor of mine, and they are excellent for what they do.
00:34:18
Speaker
I think of straight talk, influence skills for collaboration as commitment, as compatible, as respecting one another as competitors.
00:34:28
Speaker
And I try to put some of those skills on steroids.
00:34:31
Speaker
and really give it to people with practices.
00:34:35
Speaker
The other thing about that is I try to make my model really down to earth, really simple, not a lot of jargon.
00:34:43
Speaker
And their crucial conversations tends to be about one kind of conversation, difficult conversation,
00:34:51
Speaker
But a tough one when I'm trying to get you to buy into something or there's a conflict, their next book is Crucial Confrontations.
00:34:58
Speaker
So we deal with all of those, getting an agreement, delegating, as you put it, I call it gaining commitment, and then confronting, we have constructive confrontation.
00:35:07
Speaker
But what I am proud of with Straight Talk is it doesn't stop there because it talks also about how do I support you, advising and guiding you when you come to me trying to make a decision, you're wrestling or you're hurting about a work problem or God forbid, you know, a loss that you had.
00:35:23
Speaker
So how do I explore what you're hurting about, your problem, your issue?
00:35:29
Speaker
And then make helpful input and not do it too soon and not do it too late.
00:35:34
Speaker
So crucial conversation is more about doesn't cover that.
00:35:38
Speaker
So we want to cover that.
00:35:39
Speaker
I want to cover positive recognition and pump you up.
00:35:43
Speaker
I want to cover how do I encourage you when I see that you have potential that you're only dimly aware of.
00:35:50
Speaker
And so how do I express belief and faith in you?
00:35:54
Speaker
And also, how do I disagree with you in an agreeable way?
00:35:57
Speaker
So the bottom line, what I'm saying about Crucial Conversation, excellent book, I recommend it.
00:36:02
Speaker
And you can't get too much of this.
00:36:04
Speaker
And every book on communication brings another perspective.
00:36:08
Speaker
And the magic word you said, they all have, what they have in common is dealing with someone's emotional intelligence.
Disagreeing Agreeably
00:36:15
Speaker
Have you ever talked to anyone who is a student of Daniel Goleman's, he was the original emotional intelligence researcher.
00:36:22
Speaker
Do you know who I'm talking about there?
00:36:23
Speaker
Yeah, I know.
00:36:24
Speaker
I read the book.
00:36:25
Speaker
I took the test.
00:36:26
Speaker
You did?
00:36:26
Speaker
Okay, great.
00:36:27
Speaker
I also did some work, but it's not Daniel.
00:36:29
Speaker
It's another guy who created NLP.
00:36:31
Speaker
Chris Coffey?
00:36:32
Speaker
Oh, a neuro-linguistic program.
00:36:34
Speaker
I got a certification in that.
00:36:36
Speaker
I've been studying a lot of these topics and things.
00:36:39
Speaker
Tony Robbins is a guy that I admire in how he communicates and how he gets the point across and how he's effective.
00:36:46
Speaker
Sometimes he can be pushy.
00:36:49
Speaker
I'm curious because
00:36:50
Speaker
being emotionally aware has allowed me to kind of move far in life because when I'm triggered, instead of me projecting or saying it's you, it's like, no, it's me and why do I feel this way?
00:37:03
Speaker
And so when you were talking, I was thinking about, you said how to disagree in an agreeable way
00:37:10
Speaker
So the first word that came to mind, I don't even know if this is a word, is there something called unconditional communication?
00:37:16
Speaker
Can you speak on what it means to, what do you say, disagree in a great way?
00:37:23
Speaker
Disagree agreeably.
00:37:24
Speaker
That's the last chapter of the book before the epilogue.
00:37:29
Speaker
And by the way, all the chapters are not called chapters are called modules workshop modules because this is it's a workshop in a book.
00:37:36
Speaker
And so here's the module on active listening.
00:37:38
Speaker
Here's the one on gaining commitments with accountability is the one on confronting the last one is disagreeing agreeably and the skill set which should I give you the quick, the quick tips on that.
00:37:50
Speaker
Yeah, yeah, because I think that's, you know, because I think in relationships, especially like, you know, personal ones, you know, I'm not a person to agree because I like you and I love you.
00:37:59
Speaker
If I don't believe in something, I'm not going to tell you to do it because I feel like you should because I want to make you feel good.
00:38:05
Speaker
I'm not that type of person.
00:38:06
Speaker
Please, please, Eric, don't kiss me out the door.
00:38:09
Speaker
Yeah, no, it's like, ah, I think that looks great, but I think the other one looks better.
00:38:14
Speaker
So how do you feel because you have to wear that?
00:38:16
Speaker
I'm not.
00:38:17
Speaker
I'm just giving you my authentic opinion.
00:38:21
Speaker
And especially if I say something, I come up with an idea.
00:38:24
Speaker
Let's say I manage you.
00:38:27
Speaker
And it's a boneheaded idea.
00:38:28
Speaker
How do you
00:38:30
Speaker
You wouldn't be doing your job if you didn't disagree agreeably.
00:38:35
Speaker
And yet if you do it, if I have a hyperactive ego gland, that kind of boss, command and control, how do you do it in a way that it's not a career limiting move?
00:38:44
Speaker
You know what I mean?
00:38:46
Speaker
So four steps.
00:38:48
Speaker
And the first thing is to get out of the mindset of Western boxing, where it's about striking and overcoming the others.
00:38:57
Speaker
and adopt the Eastern martial art of Aikido.
00:39:01
Speaker
In Aikido, it's all about alignment.
00:39:04
Speaker
It's all about the Japanese art of Aikido.
00:39:07
Speaker
I align with you not to give up control, but to stay in control, I have to give up control.
00:39:13
Speaker
Just like when you go fishing, are you a fisher person?
00:39:16
Speaker
No, but I have an uncle who is, and he wants to take me.
00:39:19
Speaker
So I have to go.
00:39:21
Speaker
Well, I told you I'm a twin.
00:39:22
Speaker
I'm not a fisherman.
00:39:23
Speaker
So because my twin brother got a hook caught in himself at age six.
00:39:29
Speaker
But my friends who are into fishing tell me if a big fish is on your line, you don't reel it in.
00:39:34
Speaker
You know, you don't fight it.
00:39:36
Speaker
You give it line.
00:39:37
Speaker
You give up control to stay in control.
00:39:39
Speaker
So in disagreeing agreeably, conversational Aikido, the first two steps, first three steps are about aligning.
00:39:46
Speaker
There's four steps.
00:39:47
Speaker
First is to listen, that active listening stuff again.
00:39:50
Speaker
It's in every conversation.
00:39:51
Speaker
I hear what you're saying.
00:39:52
Speaker
So what you'd like to do, Eric, is allow XYZ, and because you're feeling excited that you're convinced that the new businesses we've taken over, they don't want to be swallowed up.
00:40:02
Speaker
And if I'm hearing you right,
00:40:04
Speaker
You want to let them report their monthly financial with their own legacy company protocol, their financial report.
00:40:12
Speaker
Am I tracking you?
00:40:13
Speaker
And you say, yeah, exactly.
00:40:14
Speaker
And I say, it sounds like you think that it'll build more rapport with them instead of forcing them to fit our
00:40:21
Speaker
cookie cutter.
00:40:22
Speaker
So what I'm doing is I'm paraphrasing first.
00:40:25
Speaker
The second step is I am telling you the merits of what I see in your idea, even if overall I disagree.
00:40:32
Speaker
So I might say, wow, I can see that the merits of what I like about that idea.
00:40:37
Speaker
What that's going to help us do is build relationships with the new companies so they don't feel like
00:40:42
Speaker
you know, mad that we took them over.
00:40:44
Speaker
And also, you know, can I share something else?
00:40:47
Speaker
I think it'll do.
00:40:48
Speaker
And you say, sure.
00:40:48
Speaker
Well, because you'd love to have compliments and I'm not BSing.
00:40:52
Speaker
I'm not bullshitting and just telling you, like you said, what you want to hear just to get.
00:40:57
Speaker
It's not manipulation.
00:40:58
Speaker
It's genuine.
00:41:00
Speaker
It's genuine.
00:41:00
Speaker
So I might say, you know what?
00:41:02
Speaker
This is going to force me, Eric, to sit with the new company finance people and get to know their business more.
00:41:08
Speaker
So I love that about it.
00:41:09
Speaker
So step one, I'm going to listen.
00:41:12
Speaker
I'm going to attend you.
00:41:13
Speaker
Step two, I'm going to paraphrase.
00:41:16
Speaker
I'm not, because listening isn't just hearing.
00:41:18
Speaker
So I'm going to be silent and attend, use those focusing skills, the F of the fee and explore.
00:41:25
Speaker
Then I'm going to paraphrase the empathy skill.
00:41:27
Speaker
Paraphrase your thoughts and feelings of your idea.
00:41:30
Speaker
Even if overall, I don't like it.
00:41:32
Speaker
I want to accept and show respect for it.
00:41:34
Speaker
The third step is to state the merits of what I like about your idea, what merits it.
00:41:40
Speaker
Maybe it's just, I can't find anything, but I can at least say, wow, I really appreciate the passion and energy that you bring to this idea, Eric.
00:41:48
Speaker
Then the fourth and final step is to tactfully surface
00:41:53
Speaker
the concerns I have.
00:41:55
Speaker
Not saying the word, but, you know, I like this about it, but, you know, that's like me saying, you know, to, have you ever had a date say to you, you're a really nice person and I really like you as a friend, but.
00:42:08
Speaker
Everything they just said.
00:42:09
Speaker
Yeah.
00:42:11
Speaker
So the listening and the paraphrasing and the stating of the merits have aligned with you.
00:42:18
Speaker
That's Aikido.
00:42:20
Speaker
It earns me the right to now disagree in an agreeable way because of the first three steps.
00:42:25
Speaker
And when I state my concerns, I'm not saying, but I'm not, and I'm not starting there.
00:42:29
Speaker
A lot of people disagree.
00:42:31
Speaker
They say, oh, lawyers will never agree with this.
00:42:33
Speaker
No, I first attend to you and focus on
00:42:35
Speaker
I paraphrase, I state the merits of what I like, and then I tactfully share, and, not but, at the same time.
00:42:44
Speaker
So you should use and instead of but, you're saying?
00:42:48
Speaker
Yeah, because you're right.
00:42:49
Speaker
People say, well, what do I do if I don't want to say but?
00:42:51
Speaker
You use the word and or the phrase, at the same time, Eric, I have a concern.
00:42:56
Speaker
May I share it with you?
00:42:57
Speaker
Or just substitute the word but with silence.
00:43:01
Speaker
So here's what I like about your idea.
00:43:04
Speaker
I have one concern, which is it's going to take more time to compare their financial protocols and integrate it with the rest of our companies.
00:43:12
Speaker
And we know that you and I know that Jim, our CFO, wants me to turn that in and to send it up the ladder within 24 hours.
00:43:19
Speaker
So can you see how that might be a concern?
00:43:22
Speaker
So those are the four steps.
00:43:24
Speaker
That's a beautiful way to kind of deliver that because there's a podcast, School of Greatness, Lewis Howes.
00:43:30
Speaker
He does that very well in his interviews.
00:43:33
Speaker
where he listens, he paraphrases.
00:43:36
Speaker
And then I forgot what the term for the third one you said.
00:43:39
Speaker
He states the merit.
00:43:41
Speaker
Say what you like about the idea.
00:43:43
Speaker
And then four, I don't know if four is more like a challenge in a diplomatic way.
00:43:47
Speaker
Yeah, exactly.
00:43:48
Speaker
It's stated, it's listened attentively.
00:43:51
Speaker
paraphrase empathically, state your merits generously.
00:43:56
Speaker
And then the fourth and final step, you've earned the right to surface or share your concerns or what you don't like about the idea.
00:44:03
Speaker
Because now you've invested step one, two, and three.
00:44:07
Speaker
Now you can withdraw goodwill.
00:44:09
Speaker
The other person's more likely to hear your
Accountability in Communication
00:44:11
Speaker
point of view.
00:44:11
Speaker
because I've gone with your energy and aligned, that's Aikido, but it's not me just agreeing.
00:44:19
Speaker
No, my bottom line might be, and so that's why I can't support the idea.
00:44:24
Speaker
Sometimes you're not disagreeing with the idea overall, but the boss is going to move forward with an idea, but he hasn't totally thought through all of the factors that could doom it.
00:44:36
Speaker
So sometimes I'm raising the concern
00:44:38
Speaker
from a standpoint of how, Eric, how will we handle the problem of comparing apples to oranges?
00:44:45
Speaker
Let's talk about that.
00:44:47
Speaker
And then now we can solve that problem and move forward with the idea.
00:44:51
Speaker
Other times I might hold back in a meeting and after the meeting say, Eric, you know, I actually had more concerns than I shared in the meeting.
00:45:00
Speaker
I didn't want to...
00:45:01
Speaker
put you on the spot there.
00:45:03
Speaker
And if you're the boss, if you want to move forward with this, it's your baby and I will support you.
00:45:07
Speaker
I simply need to notice I didn't say but I simply need to be honest.
00:45:12
Speaker
And let's go through this with eyes wide open instead of have it blow up in our faces.
00:45:17
Speaker
So here's my concern about it.
00:45:19
Speaker
Boom, boom, boom, boom, boom.
00:45:20
Speaker
So I think you build a healthier relationship that way because you're not tearing them down or insulting them.
00:45:26
Speaker
You're kind of like being with them, but at the same time, having your viewpoint where they understand it and makes the person listen.
00:45:34
Speaker
Because now it's not that their point of view is challenged.
00:45:37
Speaker
It's more so it's more objection.
00:45:40
Speaker
Like, hold on.
00:45:40
Speaker
Think about it like this.
00:45:42
Speaker
Oh, you know what, doctor?
00:45:44
Speaker
Right.
00:45:45
Speaker
maybe we can change it.
00:45:46
Speaker
So instead of you saying, no, that is not what you should do.
00:45:50
Speaker
This is horrible.
00:45:51
Speaker
And then I'm like, whoa, what you mean?
00:45:54
Speaker
I put in all this time, you know?
00:45:58
Speaker
Yeah.
00:45:59
Speaker
Earn the right.
00:46:00
Speaker
Earn the right to disagree as part of straight talk.
00:46:03
Speaker
Blending assertive speaking
00:46:06
Speaker
with active listening and some of these steps to go through for Aikido or advising and guiding or getting an agreement because that's how we work.
00:46:16
Speaker
We blend the basic skills of the straight talk mindset, wanting to communicate assertively with assertive speaking rather than abusive language or harsh language and body language.
00:46:28
Speaker
and active listening.
00:46:29
Speaker
We funnel it into steps like those four steps of Aikido.
00:46:32
Speaker
Well, we have steps to every chapter, every module, workshop module, we call it, in the book.
00:46:39
Speaker
I love it.
00:46:40
Speaker
Before we get off here, I just have one, I have two questions.
00:46:44
Speaker
Where do you have to go to hear the new hip replacements, my band?
00:46:48
Speaker
Yeah, we want to talk about that.
00:46:49
Speaker
That was a good drop.
00:46:52
Speaker
Can you talk about how do we make people, how do us as individuals become comfortable being responsible for accountability when we do something we say we're going to do and we don't do it?
00:47:06
Speaker
So I had a scenario where I told someone I was going to do something.
00:47:10
Speaker
And after I told them, I kind of
00:47:13
Speaker
thought about the opportunity that I was going to present and then I changed my mind.
00:47:18
Speaker
Okay.
00:47:19
Speaker
Right.
00:47:19
Speaker
But when I came back to the table, I took accountability for what I said and said, listen, I think, and I guess in a more street talk way, I did this.
00:47:28
Speaker
I don't think this works best for me because
00:47:33
Speaker
The part of me that I said yes to was the people pleasing me to make you happy.
00:47:37
Speaker
And I wasn't authentic about that.
00:47:39
Speaker
Yes.
00:47:40
Speaker
And now that I had to go back and think about it, I don't feel comfortable and I don't feel like it's fully serving you, nor does it serve me.
00:47:48
Speaker
And so I'm sorry, unfortunately, I cannot make that commitment.
00:47:52
Speaker
And so with that conversation did with this person,
00:47:56
Speaker
it encouraged us and it forced us to have a stronger bond and relationship because I was authentic about being accountable and I was committed to being responsible for whatever would have took place after that conversation.
00:48:11
Speaker
So how can we get into a space where we're comfortable being accountable and responsible for what we say, do, and be as individuals?
00:48:21
Speaker
Yeah.
00:48:21
Speaker
So, so part of the book talks about a large part of the book is holding other people accountable by having other people accountable by how I get a commitment from you.
00:48:33
Speaker
And then it's holding people accountable with reminders and constructively confronting.
00:48:38
Speaker
You're talking about how do I hold myself accountable?
00:48:41
Speaker
And what if I do, what, in that scenario you described, it sounds like you bought into something, but it was really,
00:48:48
Speaker
Later on, after the fact, you realize you were acquiescing and you would have resented continuing with it.
00:48:54
Speaker
So the first thing is you were accountable to yourself to not BS yourself and to speak truth to yourself and to forgive yourself.
00:49:03
Speaker
Then you were accountable to yourself and the other by doing the, my answer basically is to do what you just said.
00:49:09
Speaker
You go and you're straight with them and you tell them you don't pretend.
00:49:13
Speaker
And you also had two key words.
00:49:15
Speaker
You said, I'm sorry.
00:49:17
Speaker
You said, I'm sorry.
00:49:18
Speaker
I just did a podcast or rather a blog article that the whole thing was about how to apologize.
00:49:25
Speaker
And so if you have that scenario and you want to be accountable, it's first recognizing yourself, then it's going and fessing up to the other person.
00:49:35
Speaker
Here's what I did.
00:49:35
Speaker
In this case, I committed to something that I'm not comfortable moving forward with.
00:49:40
Speaker
And then I apologize.
00:49:42
Speaker
So here's what it is.
00:49:44
Speaker
Acknowledge it.
00:49:45
Speaker
Here's the apology, the second A. Here's the action that I want to take to try and make it as good as possible.
00:49:53
Speaker
I can't commit to working with you fully on this survey and on this new technology system.
00:49:59
Speaker
What I am able to do, what actions will you take to fix it?
00:50:03
Speaker
What I can do is be on that advisory board you mentioned, what that meets once a month.
00:50:08
Speaker
That I'm comfortable with and I have the time
00:50:10
Speaker
to do.
00:50:11
Speaker
And then I ask, that's the fourth A, ask, I ask for your forgiveness.
00:50:16
Speaker
Will you forgive me for committing and then turning?
00:50:20
Speaker
And I didn't mean to do that.
00:50:22
Speaker
So I think you did it in a lot of ways.
00:50:24
Speaker
Maybe I added a couple of more steps.
00:50:27
Speaker
Yeah, definitely.
00:50:29
Speaker
I healed from that wound.
00:50:30
Speaker
I just know in several cases where people talking to their boss or their spouse,
00:50:35
Speaker
They don't know how to effectively communicate their feelings in a vulnerable, authentic way because they're so afraid of the outcome.
00:50:42
Speaker
They're trying to control the outcome, right?
00:50:44
Speaker
And that's what I did a lot of my life growing up.
00:50:45
Speaker
I was trying to control outcomes because I didn't want it to be bad.
00:50:48
Speaker
I didn't want chaos.
00:50:49
Speaker
I'm all about positivity and being a mediator.
00:50:52
Speaker
And then I got to a point like, you know,
00:50:55
Speaker
If it's chaotic, then maybe that's what we need, but I can no longer be this person in this space feeling this way, being a yes man, but not feeling like yes on the inside.
00:51:05
Speaker
Yeah, and that's important if you're with someone and you're trying to delegate, you're trying to gain commitment that we talk about, and you sense that Eric's over there, maybe you had clues, you gave off cues, maybe your fist was slightly tense, maybe there was a bead of sweat, hopefully the other person, it might not have been all on you, maybe the other person didn't read your reluctance and didn't check, remember, didn't check and paraphrase and get underneath.
00:51:33
Speaker
So if you are asking someone else to do something, one of the things we talk about, here's the goals of what I want.
00:51:39
Speaker
Here's the advantages of why I want you to do it, Eric.
00:51:42
Speaker
G-A, the I is impediments.
00:51:45
Speaker
What could stand in the way?
00:51:46
Speaker
Are there any reservations you have that you might later on regret doing this?
00:51:50
Speaker
And then the N is next step.
00:51:52
Speaker
So G-A-I-N, I want to gain commitment.
00:51:55
Speaker
That's the steps of that chapter while I'm speaking and listening.
00:51:58
Speaker
So hopefully that's helpful that you can make sure someone else isn't prematurely agreeing or acquiescing and will later agree.
00:52:08
Speaker
will later
Conclusion and Resources
00:52:09
Speaker
regret it.
00:52:09
Speaker
We want to invite them and make it safe for them to be straight with you.
00:52:13
Speaker
Yeah.
00:52:13
Speaker
And I think that it, and I'll end here.
00:52:15
Speaker
I think that's what's happened in my lifetime is that people are afraid to tell me no, because they don't want to disappoint me, but they disappoint me for not telling no, because I know they don't want to do it.
00:52:24
Speaker
And they don't want to please me.
00:52:25
Speaker
I don't want a person to please me.
00:52:26
Speaker
I want you to be authentic, even if it hurts.
00:52:28
Speaker
I want the truth because that's going to heal and evolve me because now I have the information that you've been holding out from what I've been feeling, but I couldn't put my finger on it.
00:52:38
Speaker
Right.
00:52:38
Speaker
See, if you said that to me and you were my boss or just my peer, my business associate, my pal.
00:52:43
Speaker
Yeah.
00:52:45
Speaker
I would so appreciate that.
00:52:46
Speaker
And your people would appreciate that.
00:52:48
Speaker
What you just said is, is inviting.
00:52:51
Speaker
That's a door opener and giving them permission.
00:52:53
Speaker
to be honest with themselves and honest with you as well.
00:52:57
Speaker
That's beautiful.
00:52:59
Speaker
You communicate that beautifully.
00:53:01
Speaker
Yeah, because even if I'm doing something on TV or I'm gonna set, I always tell the people I'm working with, I'm not a diva, you can check me.
00:53:07
Speaker
If you don't like something, tell me, push me, challenge me.
00:53:10
Speaker
Because I want the truth.
00:53:11
Speaker
I want the raw truth, nothing but the truth, because it's not about me, it's about we.
00:53:15
Speaker
It's about us.
00:53:16
Speaker
How do we evolve?
00:53:18
Speaker
I'm not in this alone.
00:53:19
Speaker
So if you see me lacking or you see me slacking or you see me shrinking,
00:53:24
Speaker
checkmate because then then it's checkmate and then we all win the game of chess right and we do through that straight talk and that influence with collaboration and commitment so where can we get the book i know you got the website brandonpartners.com is it on a website where where could we find you linkedin like can you give us information
00:53:45
Speaker
Yep.
00:53:46
Speaker
Well, you can find me on LinkedIn, linkedin.com slash in.rickbrandon.
00:53:52
Speaker
That's the formula for all LinkedIn.
00:53:53
Speaker
But I want to give a present to your readers.
00:53:56
Speaker
Of course, this is coming out May 10th with Ben Bella Books, a wonderful publishing firm and partner.
00:54:04
Speaker
But people can pre-order it now at Amazon, of course.
00:54:08
Speaker
And so just type in straight talk.
00:54:10
Speaker
influence skills.
00:54:11
Speaker
And that alone will get it, even though the whole title is straight talk, colon, influence skills for collaboration and commitment.
00:54:18
Speaker
But I also, and no buzz.
00:54:20
Speaker
And I also, I also want to give people, your, your listeners a present just for listening, go to my website, brandonpartners.com slash straight talk book.
00:54:34
Speaker
And that'll take you to the book landing page that'll teach you all about, or you can just go to the website, brandonpartners.com, and you'll see books and scroll to straight talk book.
00:54:44
Speaker
That'll take you to the landing page where, of course, you can order the book, but whether or not your listeners order the book,
00:54:51
Speaker
The present is there's a number of free learning tools about Straight Talk, whether or not you click pre-order.
00:54:58
Speaker
So for instance, there's the Straight Talk self-assessment.
00:55:01
Speaker
It's 42 question assessment and a feedback report of 10 pages of things to do, recommendations given your scores on active listening, on assertive speaking, on getting agreements, on advising and guiding, on disagreeing agreeably, and confrontation.
00:55:16
Speaker
Those are the
00:55:17
Speaker
six or seven skill sets.
00:55:19
Speaker
There's more, but those are the ones assessed.
00:55:21
Speaker
So they can do that.
00:55:22
Speaker
The website, Amazon.
00:55:24
Speaker
And finally, if someone has a question, here's my email, rick at brandonpartners.com.
00:55:31
Speaker
If I'm not out of the country, which ain't happening with COVID, I'll answer within 48 hours.
00:55:38
Speaker
So I hope that gives people, was that clear enough?
00:55:40
Speaker
A few ways.
00:55:42
Speaker
Yeah, very clear.
00:55:43
Speaker
Amazon people go get the
00:55:45
Speaker
pre-order right now may 10th is coming out straight talk influence with collaboration and commitment dr rick brandon also go to the website brandonpartners.com click books get that self-assessment it's about we said 42 questions you get 10 page review of things to do and resources i'm going to take that eric you're an incredible listener
00:56:07
Speaker
Can I say something to you?
00:56:09
Speaker
Yes.
00:56:10
Speaker
I was so excited to come on and I've had a blast and I understand for a million and one reasons why my publicist gave me the stat that out of 2,800,000 podcasts globally, my understanding is bigger talks is in the top 1% of popularity.
00:56:27
Speaker
Really?
00:56:28
Speaker
Do you even know that?
00:56:29
Speaker
What?
00:56:30
Speaker
Yes.
00:56:30
Speaker
That's what they said.
00:56:32
Speaker
Rick, you couldn't do better.
00:56:33
Speaker
You're on Bigger Talks.
00:56:34
Speaker
I'm not just blowing smoke up your new what.
00:56:36
Speaker
You know what, Aaron?
00:56:38
Speaker
What?
00:56:38
Speaker
I'll send you the quote.
00:56:39
Speaker
That's what they said to me.
00:56:41
Speaker
Bigger Talks is in the top 1%.
00:56:42
Speaker
Oh, gee.
00:56:43
Speaker
So strut your stuff, man.
00:56:45
Speaker
Strut your stuff.
00:56:46
Speaker
Oh, you just changed my whole, you just shifted my paradigm.
00:56:49
Speaker
Because I do everything on my own, Rick.
00:56:52
Speaker
You know, this is going to be other people listening, right?
00:56:54
Speaker
So I think it's so many people emailing me to build my podcast.
00:56:59
Speaker
I'm like, wow, why didn't you ever be on my podcast?
00:57:02
Speaker
I mean, I get it.
00:57:02
Speaker
Like, you know, energy and positive.
00:57:06
Speaker
What?
00:57:07
Speaker
I need to snap.
00:57:08
Speaker
Yeah.
00:57:09
Speaker
So actually, I'll send you.
00:57:11
Speaker
I need your personal email versus just the podcast.
00:57:14
Speaker
So if you send me that to rick at brandonpartners.com, I'll send you the quote that they sent me from Ben Bella Books and from Smith Publicity, which is my promotion firm, trying to get the word out there.
00:57:26
Speaker
So I was pretty darn jazzed to be here.
00:57:28
Speaker
Yeah, I'm jazzed.
00:57:29
Speaker
Hey, people, you hear that?
00:57:31
Speaker
Top 1%.
00:57:32
Speaker
Let's go.
00:57:32
Speaker
Bigger talk.
00:57:33
Speaker
That's Rick Brandon.
00:57:35
Speaker
You see what happens when you have the right person on your podcast?
00:57:39
Speaker
You get the right information, you know?
00:57:41
Speaker
Yeah, because, I mean, it's like the universe is telling me something.
00:57:45
Speaker
It's like, Eric, I think you need to be, like, investing more time and energy in your podcast.
00:57:48
Speaker
And I'm like, yeah, you know, I got this, I got that.
00:57:50
Speaker
That makes sense.
00:57:52
Speaker
Oh, that is amazing.
00:57:54
Speaker
Thank you.
00:57:54
Speaker
This is powerful.
00:57:55
Speaker
That was great talk!
00:57:58
Speaker
Hey guys.
00:57:59
Speaker
Thanks a lot, Eric.
00:58:01
Speaker
Go to the website, get the book, connect and improve your communication and just all things effectively for your mind, for your body, for your soul, for your life.
00:58:11
Speaker
Communication rule of nature.
00:58:12
Speaker
And Dr. Rick Brandon, you was amazing.
00:58:14
Speaker
You were phenomenal.
00:58:14
Speaker
You just changed my whole day.
00:58:19
Speaker
Pouring vitamins, pouring vitamins into Eric Bigger's emotional life.
00:58:25
Speaker
Yes.
00:58:25
Speaker
Thanks a lot, my friend.
00:58:26
Speaker
Thank you.
00:58:26
Speaker
Thank you.
00:58:27
Speaker
Be great.