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ARP 005 – Avoiding Unsolicited Pregnancy Comments
72 Plays4 years ago
Today, I would like to talk about something that really hits home: unsolicited pregnancy comments. Earlier this week, I was triggered to post something about this to remind my Facebook friends to be careful when it comes to giving unsolicited pregnancy comments. I feel like it was not enough and that it was not just coming from me but from other people who are hurt by these comments.
This is not overreacting, there are so many reasons why I said this. This is not just me speaking for myself, this is for other couples like me who share the same experience.
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Transcript
Introduction to Above Ruby's Podcast
00:00:03
Speaker
Thank you for listening Above Ruby's podcast, created by a mom for every mom and parents for that matter, embracing parenthood and sanity. Here to help you get by through weekly discussions on parenting, relationships, home and faith as you juggle daily in life.
Unsolicited Pregnancy Comments Discussion
00:00:23
Speaker
Hello and welcome back to another episode of Above Ruby's podcast. Today is going to be a solo episode and it's going to be about something that really hits home.
00:00:33
Speaker
It's about unsolicited pregnancy comments online and in person. My friends and those who know me know that we have a six year old. His name is Nate and we are happy to have him and we are proud to be his parents. And the thing is, ever since Nate was two years old, we have been getting a lot of comments about
00:00:59
Speaker
having another baby, having another child. So I know that these comments or these people really don't mean any harm. That's why I don't even remember who told me exactly who their names are. All I know is that a lot of them have suggested it already. And to be clear, or just to be fair, their intentions were good. They think that
00:01:28
Speaker
It's about time we have another child and that it's not good to delay another pregnancy because of our age and also the age gap of the kids.
Intentions vs. Impact of Comments
00:01:39
Speaker
They keep on saying it's sad if you only have one child and I kind of agree with that because there's four of us.
00:01:47
Speaker
in the family. So I'm the eldest daughter and it was noisy growing up with my brother and my sisters, but it was fun, especially now that we're all grown up. It's good to know that you have someone you can depend on and you can share your problems with. So I completely understand why people keep suggesting that we should have another baby.
00:02:13
Speaker
Even now, I still have the tendency to tell people this. I'm not an exception to this. But I learned to be more careful the hard way.
Fertility Struggles and Emotional Challenges
00:02:24
Speaker
I worked in a fertility company for more than six years. And during those years of working, I got the chance to talk to different women who are trying to get pregnant. So some of them are trying to get pregnant for a few months, some for a year, even more.
00:02:41
Speaker
And, you know, they're just trying out any options that are available. They're trying to go natural and with the hopes that this might boost their chances of conceiving. So some of them, some of these customers, they would share their stories and some of them would even cry in desperation that they're still not pregnant. So, ma'ibas khanila, out of frustration, talaguna papa yarnalang. You can feel that they're unhappy. They're sad because they want something.
00:03:10
Speaker
and they don't know why they're not pregnant. So it's not an easy journey for them. So every time I get customers, NABUMALEXAMIN and say, nah, finally they got pregnant, we're really happy for them. Getting pregnant is a wonderful thing. Having a child is a wonderful thing. It's fulfilling.
00:03:30
Speaker
to have one. So étoma ganitoma customers are the reasons why I am always reminded to be careful when it comes to suggesting couples to get pregnant or have another child. And there are a few other reasons why it's not okay that we make it a habit. La sabihin sahanila na ui, pati parena ga na, pati parena ga na ule.
00:03:53
Speaker
There are a few reasons and I want all of us to understand that it's important that we are very careful with these types of comments or suggestions or questions, friendly questions. So unless you're super close with a person, here's why you should avoid giving unsolicited pregnancy comments.
Respecting Silent Battles
00:04:11
Speaker
Number one is, I said it in my post last Monday, we are all fighting silent battles.
00:04:17
Speaker
Not all of us are confident with posting their problems online and that's fine. Some of us are pretty vocal as well, but a lot of couples don't want to talk about it. So they are fighting silent battles. So there's more than meets the eye. Some couples are trying to get pregnant for a long time. Some of them are frustrated already. Some of them may even have given up already.
00:04:42
Speaker
Ata lagantina gapna lani lana. Nitsi guro parsa hanila talaga yon paga karona ana.
00:04:48
Speaker
That's okay. The thing is, these people are trying, and trying to get pregnant is depressing. It's frustrating. So you don't want to add to that feeling already. When you think there could be something wrong with your body because you are not getting pregnant, that's not a good feeling to have. Another thing is, some couples are not confident talking about it with others. Like I said, 영이 봐사하다
00:05:16
Speaker
Just want it to be between them or to be between a few people they feel confident with discussing these things. And that's fine. That's their prerogative. There's nothing wrong with that. Which is why we should avoid giving these comments. It saves us from this awkward moments with them. So save yourself from that feeling.
00:05:38
Speaker
and be careful with commenting on these types of things.
Miscarriage and Relationship Strain
00:05:42
Speaker
Another thing is there's a thing called miscarriage and this is a very painful experience. Some of our callers in the past are also calling us because they lost their baby and
00:06:00
Speaker
Miscarriage is not fun at all. It's hurting. It's hurting the couples and it's even affecting their marriage and their relationship. So imagine asking someone who just had a miscarriage
00:06:15
Speaker
when they're planning to have a baby. Imagine, for example, last month long, and you don't know because they don't want to talk about it or they're not ready to talk about it yet. And then suddenly, and then you ask, just imagine how they would feel. Which is why, again, it's important that we are very careful when it comes to comments like these.
Understanding Secondary Infertility
00:06:45
Speaker
Another thing is there's also a thing called secondary infertility. Secondary infertility means couples did not have a problem getting pregnant with their first child but then they have trouble getting pregnant with another baby. So that's what you call secondary infertility. That's not good too. You know why? You as a couple were confident that there was nothing wrong with your body because you were able to get
00:07:13
Speaker
pregnant the first time. And then suddenly when you're trying to get pregnant again, that's not a good feeling to have because you were under the impression, so when you try to get pregnant now for a few months and then suddenly you can't get a positive pregnancy test result,
00:07:39
Speaker
There's something wrong with your body and with your fertility, because again, you were able to get pregnant the first time. So that's also depressing to be able to experience secondary infertility. And there's a few reasons for that. It could be because of your age. When you got pregnant the first time, you were probably just 21, and then now that you're trying to get pregnant, you're already at your 30s.
00:08:03
Speaker
And we women, we have a set number of eggs in our lifetime. And that number gets as we age, keyata in a kaka period. So age is a factor as to why we are experiencing secondary infertility. Aside from that, we also have the stress and unhealthy lifestyle to point to.
00:08:25
Speaker
as to why we're not able to get pregnant again. And again, this is frustrating. This is depressing just because you know you're ready to get pregnant again. So imagine a couple experiencing that and then you come along and you ask,
00:08:51
Speaker
And all those unnecessary or again unsolicited comments. And without you even knowing, they're already hurting inside.
Financial Concerns and Pregnancy
00:09:01
Speaker
Aside from miscarriage and secondary infertility,
00:09:06
Speaker
Financial reasons is also among the reasons why couples are not ready to get pregnant yet or get pregnant again. And we all know it's not easy to have a child and you are bombarded with a lot of expenses.
00:09:21
Speaker
the moment you find out you're pregnant. So especially if you're experiencing complications. So it's not easy to be financially ready for a child because having a child is not cheap, it's costly.
00:09:43
Speaker
It's costly to have a baby and again that starts the moment you find out you're pregnant until they leave your house. You have to think about that too. Some couples may not be financially ready for another baby yet.
00:10:01
Speaker
And it's not for us to say, it's not for us to say that we don't have the right to dictate a person and tell them they should get pregnant even if they're not financially ready because
00:10:18
Speaker
Just because. Who are we to suggest that, right? So that is again why we should be careful with these unsolicited comments or pregnancy comments.
Pressure and Readiness for Pregnancy
00:10:30
Speaker
And lastly, some people don't want to get pregnant just because they're not ready yet. Some women want to be 100% ready and happy.
00:10:39
Speaker
when they get pregnant because we all know it's not easy. If someone is not ready to get pregnant yet or to have another baby yet, it's not for us to suggest that they should have one. Personally, with our situation with Dane and I, today we have a baby at Ako Personally Young, 100% ready.
00:11:00
Speaker
But we are in the situation now that it's okay. It's okay. So, it's okay. Dane respects my decision and my reservations on why I am not ready to have another baby yet. He respects that. But at the same time, personally, I don't want to be forced to get pregnant just because my husband wants to. I want to be 100%
00:11:23
Speaker
ready when that happens. But considering my age, I am now 31 years old, we are not using any birth controls and we are also not trying to get pregnant. We are just basing it on God's plan. So if we had a baby, then we would be happy. If not, we would also be happy.
00:11:41
Speaker
But it's not always the case. Some women just are not ready to get pregnant yet, to get pregnant if they are not ready yet. So that is another reason why we should be careful with our unsolicited pregnancy advice or suggestions or comments.
Cultural Commentary on Body and Pregnancy
00:12:02
Speaker
We have this toxic tilipino, what are these?
00:12:08
Speaker
Aside from the getting pregnant comments, we also have the usual, oi to mata ba kha oi poma pa yata comments. It's not good. And although there are still times, nana sa sabi koyan, I am really doing my best not to say that anymore. Because we don't know, again, we don't know what the person is going through, ba kha sobron damina nak sa sabi sa ta on yana, on pa yata pa yatni aur anta bata banya. And we don't know, kinungu tom nana pala yon sarilina, kasi an damina nak sa bina anta banya.
00:12:44
Speaker
So that's one. Very common. I hear it, I see it from time to time, and I even say it sometimes, but it's not
00:12:52
Speaker
a good Filipino trait, and we should start avoiding giving out these comments about body figures. Another toxic Filipino Kamustahan is Ayum.
00:13:13
Speaker
It doesn't end. It just doesn't end. And we should start, you know, doing something about it. If not, if this doesn't get pointed out, we would just continue saying this. We would just continue making this a habit. Unless, of course, they're asking for advice. Let's not make these comments as a conversation starter. 가어으 기나고 아니다. 기나고 아니다 conversation starters 기어말. Pregnancy and body types.
00:13:39
Speaker
I have no idea why. Maybe because it's been passed on from generation to generation. We see our parents commenting this to other people. We see other people commenting this to our friends. We even say this too without even knowing we may have already heard the person. So bottom line is we just have to be very careful with what we say. The Bible has a lot to say about taming our tongue. In Titus chapter 3 verse 2,
00:14:08
Speaker
It reminds us to be gentle and to show perfect courtesy toward all people.
Biblical Advice on Speaking with Care
00:14:14
Speaker
Ephesians chapter 4 verse 29 says, "...to not let any unwholesome talk come out of our mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen." For me, who is getting a lot of these comments? I learned the art of dead, ma?
00:14:33
Speaker
Because, as the saying goes, 90% of what happens to our lives is how we react to it. However, if no one says that this habit is not okay, again, we will continue saying this. We will continue making this a habit. And this, again, should be stopped. If you don't mean any harm, you're hurting people without you even knowing it. So, sasa bhin mong ai.
00:14:56
Speaker
예나말 스정 거요. It's just a friendly suggestion. It's just a friendly comment like that. We don't know what they're going through. And so with our harmless, quote-unquote, comments, you're also hurting, quote-unquote, the people you're saying these comments to without you even knowing.
00:15:14
Speaker
So I really hope that this becomes a friendly reminder for us to be careful with what we comment on people. This does not just apply on getting pregnant or body figures. So I really hope that this episode becomes a reminder or a friendly reminder for us to be careful with what we say and what we comment on people. Let us pray. Father get in heaven thank you so much for this time Lord that we are here and we can
00:15:35
Speaker
ponder upon your word and we can talk about these unsolicited comments to other people and we know that we are saying this out of good intention but Lord may we be reminded that we are to be careful with what we say with what we suggest with what we comment on people please help us to be reminded to just be very careful with what we say in general thank you Lord and may we glorify you with everything that we say and with everything that comes out of our mouth in Jesus mighty name
00:16:05
Speaker
Amen. Hope you enjoyed today's episode.
Podcast Engagement and Subscription
00:16:11
Speaker
Sign up to my newsletter so you're notified of my next podcast at www.abovepreciousroobies.com or follow me via Apple podcast or Spotify. Today's Bible reading is found in James chapter 3 verses 6 to 9 in the New International Version. The tongue is also a fire.
00:16:30
Speaker
a word of evil among the parts of the body. It corrupts the whole person, sets the whole course in his life on fire and is itself set on fire by hell. All kinds of animals, birds, reptiles and creatures of the sea are being tamed and have been tamed by man.
00:16:48
Speaker
but no man can tame the Chang. It is a restless evil full of deadly poison. With the Chang we praise our Lord and Father and with it we curse men who have been made in God's likeness.