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True Self-Awareness Is Key
51 Plays4 years ago
Before undertaking any new task or project, it's helpful to take a step back and assess where you are in life and what you're starting with! This week, Michelle and Lindsay are back, chatting about developing true self-awareness and how goes beyond our favourite BuzzFeed quizzes! It requires an honest and often difficult look at not only where we thrive, but more importantly, where we need need to grow.
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Transcript
00:00:00
Speaker
Hold on. Do you want me to bang my floor? Can you hear the kids? No, I can't hear them. I'll yell at them with my heel. Okay. If you ever want to use, and I'm not telling you have to, but if you're ever like, I want to use that as the cold open, but I don't want to have it like Lindsay's yelling at you can totally. Oh, yes. Okay. Sometimes I've thought about doing a whole compilation.
Introduction & Episode Theme
00:00:49
Speaker
Welcome back to the Modern Lady podcast. You're listening to episode 91. Hi, I'm Michelle. And I'm Lindsay. And today we are talking about becoming self-aware. We've said it so many times before on the podcast, but we here at the Modern Lady love new beginnings and resolutions.
00:00:56
Speaker
Oh, your heels. Yes! Yeah, that's right. That's right. Oh my goodness. Okay.
Why Self-Awareness Before Resolutions?
00:01:09
Speaker
New Year's is the time to hashtag be better and to set new goals. But before we can begin any of that kind of work, we believe it takes looking at ourselves first with a lot of honesty and humility to get a good gist of where we're starting from. And that's where a healthy sense of self-awareness comes in.
00:01:28
Speaker
But first, if you enjoy this episode of the Modern Lady podcast, please take a minute to rate and review us on Apple podcasts or whatever app you use to listen to podcasts.
Listener Engagement and Feedback
00:01:38
Speaker
Your review can help Modern Lady stand out so that others may find us too. Your comments mean the world to us.
00:01:44
Speaker
This week's shout out goes to Big JC Fan who left us a 5 star review and said, quote, my absolute favourite podcast. I initially found Lindsay on Instagram and I'm so grateful that I did. Her account and this podcast have really deepened my appreciation and enjoyment in my vocation of homemaking.
00:02:04
Speaker
In a world that seems to revel in bitterness and violence, Lindsay and Michelle remind me that I control the atmosphere of my own home, and that comfort, hospitality, and joy are gifts that I can give my family." Well thank you so much, Big JC fan, for your comments. We loved hearing how you're bringing light to the world through making and keeping your home so well.
00:02:28
Speaker
And if you would like to leave us a comment, you can do so on our website www.themodernlady1950.wordpress.com or you can leave us a comment on Facebook or Instagram where you can find us at the Modern Lady Podcast. And remember, you can now tune in and comment on our episodes on our YouTube channel. Just search for us under the Modern Lady Podcast and don't forget to click subscribe.
Historical Nightcap Practices
00:02:58
Speaker
But before we get into today's chat, Lindsay has our Modern Lady Tip of the Week. Michelle, when I was doing my Christmas reading, namely Twas the Night Before Christmas and Dickens' A Christmas Carol, one thing jumped out at me like never before. Nightcaps. And no, I'm not referring to having a little drink before bed. This will be part one of a two-part series on the history of the nightcap.
00:03:23
Speaker
I always understood that a nightcap is, well, practical. As we know, having a warm house is a really new luxury, and so in order to help stay warm while sleeping, men and women alike have worn some type of head covering over the centuries. But I have since learned that nightcaps or sleeping caps aren't just used for keeping warm, and I've also learned that they aren't just the thing of the past. According to the website SoHistorically.com,
00:03:49
Speaker
All Victorian women wore nightcaps, but by the Edwardian age, the dawn of the 20th century, those new modern women saw nightcaps as old-fashioned and only something worn by elderly ladies. However, when the highly styled, elaborate hairstyles of the new age grew higher and the curls more intricate, the young fashionable women started seeing the benefit of covering their coffers with a type of sleeping cap in order to preserve their hairstyles.
00:04:16
Speaker
In a 1910 article, a young woman wrote, hush, it is quite possible you know it already, but it is a secret, just the same. It would never do to have it talked about, but the fact is that all we girls are going back to the fashion of our grandmothers and yes, wearing night caps.
00:04:34
Speaker
These new night caps are recognizable to us, often seen on the head of maids in TV shows. Called mob caps, and that's M-O-B, mob caps, they were a simple circle of fabric gathered around with an elastic. Sometimes the edge was frilly with lace. They were sometimes called breakfast caps, with prettier versions worn down to the breakfast table.
00:04:58
Speaker
The one big difference with the mob cap that you would wear down to the breakfast table is that it wouldn't have the unseemly ribbon tied under the chin which would keep the night cap secure while sleeping. Instead, a fashionable breakfast cap would have a ribbon or elastic that tightened the cap pulled to the side and secured with rosettes or a bow. A woman of means would never come to the breakfast table in her actual night cap, the one she slept in.
00:05:24
Speaker
she would change into her breakfast cap. This is especially important if a lady still had curlers in her hair. In 1912, the Los Angeles Herald reported that by hiding one's curlers under a cap, well, quote, at least the early breakfaster will be spared one special eyesore. Next week, we will look at how to scent your hair with a night cap, the idea of airing your hair at night, and why we should consider wearing night caps again.
00:05:51
Speaker
So I kind of love the idea that we women have kind of always been fascinated with our grandmother's generation. Yes, right? We always like papa at first or pupu at what do you say?
00:06:06
Speaker
Whatever. Tomato, tomato, poo poo, pa pa. We're like, wait a second, granny was on to something. That's right. But it skips a generation or like, it just keeps going. So like, our daughters will look to our mothers and so on and so on. But it's apparently a historical thing from the very beginnings of history. I also thought about this tip, you know, that
00:06:31
Speaker
Very common in pop culture, like the nightmare sequence of someone walking into their classroom and they, I don't know, like forgot their pants or something and everyone turns and starts laughing at them. Is this like the Edwardian period or Victorian period equivalent to that, like a woman walks down in a nightmare sequence and she's wearing her actual night cap and not the perfect night cap?
00:06:54
Speaker
And everyone turns and starts laughing at her in like some foggy dream sequence. Mm-hmm. Or heaven forbid, her rollers. Yeah. As they said, it was a special eyesore to see a woman in her rollers. Like the pressure on women, eh? It's like when you're packing to go on that trip, be sure to have your night night cap and your breakfast night cap.
Understanding Self-Awareness
00:07:21
Speaker
As we're all gearing up for another year, I think it goes without saying that it can be incredibly motivating to put new plans into place and take on new challenges. But sometimes we can fall into the trap of just diving into more novel pursuits without a serious look at who we are and where we're actually coming from. And often that can make quite a bit of difference, right Lindsay?
00:07:45
Speaker
That's right, Michelle. I realize that in almost every episode of the Modern Lady podcast, I say the words, it really helps if you're self-aware or being self-aware is key. And then I realized that perhaps you and I might have a bit of an advantage here over our non-Catholic listeners because so much of our daily life as Catholics involves us questioning every single one of our actions.
00:08:07
Speaker
And right, I think it's no surprise that this is where the age-old comment on Catholicism, you know, people talking about Catholic guilt comes in. But I think if you and I were to examine that, we would both admit that it's made us at least, at the very least, very self-aware.
00:08:23
Speaker
Um, one study estimated that only 10 to 15% of people are truly self-aware. But the good news is, is that you can actually be taught this. There are so many of the topics we have talked about that really could do, like you have to unlearn so much to learn the new things. There's a lot of things that are really hard to learn, but being self-aware actually isn't one of them. You can learn that pretty quickly.
00:08:47
Speaker
Mm-hmm. And probably one of the reasons is because this is probably a whole other issue, but it's actually quite easy to think about yourself sometimes. Right! I'm really good at that. Oh, that's right. It's like, oh, talk and think about myself. I suppose, twist my arm. Do another test to reveal parts of my personality. Okay.
00:09:09
Speaker
And now we're not saying that the process, like the ultimate, you know, getting to know yourself can be pretty quick, but we'll talk later about how the overall process can go on throughout your entire life. But if you want to know right now what you're good at and what you're failing at, yeah, that can happen pretty quickly.
00:09:25
Speaker
And I think one of the kind of fun things I think about self-awareness and practicing self-awareness can be that there are quite a few different angles that we can approach it from, right? Like we as human beings are so dynamic and so multifaceted that you could come at it from, and I know we'll talk about it like from a psychological perspective, a more secular perspective you mentioned, and I know we'll talk more about like
00:09:54
Speaker
a spiritual perspective, especially for us in the context of the Catholic Church and the Catholic faith.
Internal vs. External Self-Awareness
00:10:00
Speaker
There's really just so many different avenues. There really is so much to discover that it can be overwhelming, but I think ultimately exciting more than that. I think so too.
00:10:12
Speaker
It was first defined as a concept in 1972 by Shelley Duvall and Robert Wicklund in their book A Theory of Objective Self-Awareness. Their main thought process revolved around the concept of separating how you view yourself from your environment, identifying which objective standards you normally measure yourself against,
00:10:34
Speaker
Rather, if you are self-aware, then you can measure yourself against your own personal standard of correctness. And by correctness, they mean what you should do, what we think we should do in any person. So it was like really being able to separate then as you became more self-aware, measuring yourself against your own standards, right, or against the
00:10:51
Speaker
uh, standards of the environment around you. They also proposed, and this is just too much for my tired mom brain, you know, they're going through right now, but they also propose that we are not our thoughts, rather we are the thinker, which is separate from our thoughts. And my thoughts just can't handle that right now.
00:11:11
Speaker
Now, this was further taken into a new direction by Tasha Urich. She is a researcher and psychologist, and she then broke self-awareness down into two different categories, the internal and external self-awareness. For internal, it's about how you clearly see yourself, your values, hopes, passions, and then how they, again, fit into your environment. You can also then see how your reactions line up with your environment.
00:11:38
Speaker
Are your feelings, beliefs, strengths, weaknesses? Are they in alignment with your job and with your life? And then external self-awareness is the ability to clearly see and understand how others see you. And this one is particularly important for those who are in a leadership position or a managerial role in their jobs.
00:12:01
Speaker
Tasha Urich was also talking about how that when we start to measure ourselves and we start to figure this all out, we can tend to really simplify it into just thinking, well, I have failed or I have passed. Like, we're just so programmed to think fail or pass at these things, right?
00:12:17
Speaker
Yeah, it's a bit harsh, right? And there's no room for nuance or grace, like forgiveness of yourself. And this is really interesting. I'd be interested to know, is this like a subconscious thing or a conscious thing we do?
00:12:37
Speaker
Yeah. I think they made it sound like it was more of a subconscious thing. Like you just are like, you were just kind of, you know in your gut if it's worth changing or not. And I think that in that second of that process, we go over all the times we've tried to fix things previously that are maybe similar to that, right? Like let's talk about losing weight or starting an exercise program or going to bed on time or any of those things, right? We can, within a millisecond, your brain can process all the times you failed at it and you're like,
00:13:06
Speaker
Forget it. Yeah, and that's what I was thinking. Is it any wonder that we so very quickly can be derailed and drop goals and be demotivated, unmotivated from achieving that goal?
00:13:24
Speaker
Yeah. So you're trying to be self-aware, but it's not fixing anything then. You're just like, yeah, I know I'm not going to do good. The whole purpose of growing in self-awareness then is to move forward, right? Is to figure out why you haven't been able to be successful
Secular Views on Self-Awareness
00:13:39
Speaker
in those goals before.
00:13:41
Speaker
And all of the secular sources I was looking at, first of all, a lot of them were geared towards the workplace. And it was all about being successful in your job, growing to a place of leadership, success, success, success, knowing yourself that you can sell yourself better, knowing yourself so that you can take control of conversations better. It was all geared towards that.
00:14:03
Speaker
And the other thing I noticed too is that so much of this realm of self-awareness in the secular world is based on knowing the good parts of yourself, right? You and I were talking about this earlier. Like it's like becoming self-aware so that you can love yourself. It's all about loving yourself more. And
00:14:23
Speaker
That still misses the mark as well because, well, why would you grow if you love yourself? Right. If you're already perfect, then what need have you of being self-aware to grow? You can't be better than perfect.
00:14:37
Speaker
I know what you're saying about that, like there's a tendency, there's a danger in a way to the more secular, it would be like the self-help genre in general, right? Where I feel like in a lot of ways it's more of an affirmation thing than a helpful thing, right? And that's not always bad either. Sometimes you need to be affirmed, like if you have a sense that something is not quite right, sometimes it helps to be affirmed in that, oh no, this is a real thing.
00:15:06
Speaker
And that's good, but eventually it comes to the point where you're like, okay, then what do I do about that? And that's where I personally, I'm reading a book right now that could be considered self-help genre. And even I was thinking as I was reading,
00:15:21
Speaker
like, okay, eventually I just want you to tell me now, do you have any suggestions of how I can change this or how I can fix it or how I can grow, as opposed to just keeping on with the diagnoses. I think that's kind of where this, maybe a lot of the secular self-awareness stuff gets stuck is just, just know it. And then, and then that's you. That's you. Yeah.
00:15:48
Speaker
Goodbye. And if you don't like that, you can just do another test. There's almost been this obsession with self-awareness, but not in the way that you and I would perhaps pursue it, which we'll talk about in a little bit. But there seems to be this knowing yourself,
00:16:04
Speaker
finding your center, speaking your truth, being your authentic self. I mean, this is really trendy right now, but it is, it's like, you're right. It's almost just like a cloaked way of being affirmed. I think, you know, when you're in a job interview and they ask you to share one thing about your personality that you need to be working on, like they wanted to, and then, but you're, everybody so carefully constructs the one thing that is still a positive.
00:16:30
Speaker
Sometimes I'm just too hard of a worker. Sometimes I'm too punctual, and I feel like that makes other people feel bad. I feel like that currently is the dark side of the self-awareness. That's as dark as it'll go, and it's like, but we need more. We're hungrier than that.
00:16:50
Speaker
Now, the other side, sometimes when self-awareness can become too much, it can become a problem. And that's where it's an extreme level of self-consciousness and self-awareness. And this can lead to social anxiety and depression. And I just want to mention that as well, because that did pop up in some of the psychological sources I was reading or psychiatry sources. So it was saying that when this is taken to an extreme and excessive level,
00:17:14
Speaker
you're thinking about what everyone is thinking about you and that everyone is watching you. And you know what, this is not the same thing about what we're talking about. And so if you're really struggling with that, you probably should talk to your doctor. Right.
Psychological Approaches to Self-Awareness
00:17:29
Speaker
And I have to say, like, that's quite the difference between what you mentioned in the beginning about the internal self-awareness and that would be considered more external self-awareness, right? Yeah, a fixation on it.
00:17:41
Speaker
Yeah, so when we look to psychology and we look to see how they would guide us to become more self-aware, I've got four things here that are suggested. And the first one is that we start to ask ourselves what instead of why.
00:17:58
Speaker
It's explained that we can never fully answer why, that that question can often leave us feeling even more confused and more hurt or upset. So instead of saying something like, why did that hurt me? Which seems like the normal thing that we would ask ourselves. We should try to ask ourselves, what can I do next time so that that doesn't turn out the same way again? So we need to turn it into a what question. Because yeah, it is kind of hard to answer, well, why did that hurt me?
00:18:25
Speaker
So what can I do will help you really still identify more specific points within yourself, right? About what it was that triggered it and what you could do to prevent it. Number two, I know this seems obvious, but this almost never happens to people. And especially right now we get it. We, our province just announced right before we went to recording that we are now being issued. It's a stay at home order.
00:18:49
Speaker
So it isn't just locked down. It's a full stay at home order. So number two says spend time with yourself in silence and distraction free. We're laughing. We've got kids. We're laughing to keep from crying. Yeah. So we'll try that. Sure. We'll try that one. Number three.
00:19:15
Speaker
Be present in the moment. We talk about this all the time as well. And again, this is something that I think a lot more people are talking about over the last couple of years, and you and I have talked about it a lot. But in this case, it's really stopping to think about what you're feeling at that exact moment. And you have to practice this. This is another skill. But just in that moment, being really self-aware of how you're reacting, of what your body is doing, right? Is your heart pounding?
00:19:39
Speaker
So just, although I was listening to a podcast last night and the doctor was talking about, but when women get stressed, there is a tight pressure in between her breasts and her rib cage right there that she can feel a physical clenching and that men don't feel it in the same way like that. So I thought that was really interesting and that you have to
00:19:58
Speaker
relax, right? So being really, really present and thinking about what your body's doing. And then number four, be a better listener. So be open to what people have to say to you and ask for feedback. And that's something I've really worked on with Jason and my kids over the last couple of years. I'm not good about asking it from other people, but I have started asking it from my husband and kids to be like, just tell me, am I being that so today?
00:20:25
Speaker
Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. And that's really, really difficult to hear sometimes, especially if you're already kind of in a place where you're feeling maybe vulnerable or raw, I would say, right? Probably the last thing you want to do. Yeah. Right. I was going to say, is that something if you, when you were struggling with that a little bit in the past, is that something you think you could have even done at that point?
00:20:48
Speaker
I would say it would depend on what else was going on. I think as well, and we'll probably get to this when we start talking about the church and in regards to faith. One thing that I think that the faith really helps with is that it's kind of always encouraged us to not think that we're beyond improvement.
00:21:09
Speaker
Yes, that was nice. But yeah, definitely when I'm having moments of like wondering like, Oh, did I do okay? Did I do well? It probably would not have been my first choice of questions to ask somebody. But it is good to, like we say, practice it.
00:21:27
Speaker
especially with people that you know you can be safe with and who aren't going to take advantage of the situation. I think that can also be something that stops people from asking for constructive feedback is that we may not have a lot of trust in a lot of people not to take advantage of that vulnerability to start airing their own
00:21:49
Speaker
personal grievances. And that's not what we're asking for right now. It's not what we can handle. So I think that could be an obstacle to that too.
Catholic Practices for Self-Awareness
00:21:58
Speaker
All right. Well, I'm glad you brought up the church because we are ready now to share some of the tools that the church provides. And these are still new for me. I mean, I've learned about a lot of these over the last couple of years.
00:22:10
Speaker
But having come from that secular world and tried to use those tools, and a lot of the tools just saying, you're great, you're great at everything. I already thought that, so I didn't need mortals telling me that I was great. Because I really didn't think I had a ton of room to grow. I thought everybody else around me needed to grow.
00:22:30
Speaker
And so I will forever honestly be thankful for that solid dose of Catholic guilt for showing me all of the areas where I'm not living in alignment with God's will. That's the crux of this. This is what we're going to talk about. Everything is going to point back to it's not that you're being a bad person or you're wrong or all these things. It's that is every decision and action and thought is it all in alignment with God's will, right? That's that's what our goal is as Catholics.
00:22:56
Speaker
Yeah. And do you know what, as you were saying that, that just pointed out a really another difference between the two approaches, right? It's that sometimes in the secular world, the temptation can be to just blame everybody else for your problems. But actually, there's nothing wrong with you at all. It's everyone else's problem.
00:23:14
Speaker
Right? And that, as we can see, that it has not served our society all that well. That kind of mentality. And it also is actually not empowering at all either. It kind of leaves you feeling a little bit helpless, ironically, because how can you control everyone else?
00:23:34
Speaker
Whereas what we're going to discuss in regards to the church's approach, what the church says, and it's even in the Gospels, right? Jesus says, ignore the splinter in your brother's eye and take care of the log in your own eye first.
00:23:49
Speaker
And I think that's what a lot of the self-awareness in the church, it directs us to say, okay, you might not be able to impact or influence anybody else, but you still have absolute control over how you improve. And that's where we're going to focus first.
00:24:07
Speaker
Yes. And now something else jumped out at me too. Another big difference that I'm just realizing too is that all the focus is on you, you, you, which isn't both of them. But then like I was saying with the original description of self-awareness, that it was making sure that your actions were in alignment with your own sense of correctness, right? And if everybody was just living according to their own sense of correctness, well, I mean, there is no objective truth then. And you get to where we're at now.
00:24:36
Speaker
That's right. It's my truth. It's my authentic truth. It's what I deem is correct, what I should be doing. And obviously that's the complete opposite here. So we are getting to know ourselves, just like they are in the other way, but we're getting to know ourselves so that we can seek to align
00:24:51
Speaker
to submit ourselves to God's will, not even to fully align ourselves. Like I need to push down the prayer I say every week at Mass. All I whisper, all whenever is less of me, more of you, less of me, more of you. Right? That is the cry of the Christian.
00:25:08
Speaker
Well, and it's true too, because there's an article I was reading from a website called positivepsychology.com where it defines self-awareness and it actually uses the word objectively. So the ability to see yourself clearly and objectively through reflection and introspection. But exactly like what you noted and pointed out is that when it's your own truth, that's not objective. Yeah.
00:25:34
Speaker
That is the actual definition of subjective. And there is no room for, I don't know how many billions of people there are in the world right now to all be living with our own subjective truths, no matter how self-aware we are of them. There's just, we cannot find peace that way. So I find it interesting that even from the secular perspective though, I think there is still a concession that at least
00:26:04
Speaker
from their perspective, some of it needs to be objective. You know what, you're totally right, Michelle, because when I was looking into this, this journey to self-awareness obviously started before, you know, Jesus came. There's a whole history within philosophy of self-awareness. And so there has always been that quest, right, to know yourself and to do better. I mean, that's
00:26:28
Speaker
That's from the beginning of time. So some ancient philosophers, they had a type of something called an examination of conscience, which is what we'll go into a lot more in a minute, but they did something like that and they did it in order to be blameless in their own sight. So this is what we're still talking about. It's they're objectively looking at themselves and they're trying to live in a way that they can be blameless to themselves.
00:26:52
Speaker
Now, this group, they were known as the Stoics, they actually linked happiness to living a life of virtue, right? I mean, like they're so close. Dignity, their own personal dignity, they linked it to living in compliance with the law of reason and that their goal was to seek moral perfection.
00:27:13
Speaker
And I mean, this is everything that you and I believe in. It's just that we believe that that is encapsulated perfectly within God. So this is that perfection that the philosophers would have been talking about. It's the same perfection that we see going right into Genesis chapter 17 when God says to Abraham,
00:27:31
Speaker
walk before me and be perfect. Perfect, right there in the first book of Genesis. But what do we mean about that type of perfection? And you know, that's where we then have to really dig deep and look. And so again, for you and I, our view on perfection is that we are as closely aligned with God's will and in the person of Jesus Christ as possible.
00:27:55
Speaker
So talking about an examination of conscience, this is something maybe I learned it first five years ago. I don't know, Michelle, you're a Cradle Catholic. Was it something you had heard about growing up? I have. My parents talked about it all the time. Going to church every Sunday, the churches always have their
00:28:14
Speaker
usually well stocked, I would say, with little pamphlets, with little examinations of conscience that you can practice. And I would say that would be more of a family thing. I didn't hear a ton of it formally talked about even, you know, during homilies or not in school or anything like that, but yes, in the family. Okay.
00:28:34
Speaker
So when we do this type of examine, we must establish whether our intentions and our actions were in conformity to God's will or not. Now, this is biblical. St. Paul asked that everyone do an examination before receiving the Eucharist. And this is in 1 Corinthians 11. He said at the end of that passage, if we could judge ourselves, if we would judge ourselves, we should not be judged.
00:28:59
Speaker
Now, a proper examination of conscience doesn't just root out and reveal to us where we're falling short. It really should prompt us then to change. It doesn't just leave us there, right? Especially when it's done in preparation for the sacrament of confession, which is what it is usually linked to in the Catholic Church.
00:29:19
Speaker
normally a Catholic should do this examination of conscience and just to be clear an examination of conscience like Michelle is saying it's usually on like you can get them in a pamphlet they're all over online you can find them everywhere but they're usually rooted in the Ten Commandments you'd go through them in detail and I know I know you could go well I didn't murder anyone check but nope they have that murder broken down into what a lot of different meanings
00:29:43
Speaker
I didn't steal. Oh, yeah. Check out a Catholic examination of conscience and especially a good one. I'm still discovering like level up examinations of consciences. And this is, like I said, having been familiar with them for most of my life. And I just keep discovering new ones. The most recent one about a year ago, I found a new one and I read through it and I'm like, wow, this is like,
00:30:11
Speaker
This is detailed, yeah. But it's good, though, because there are things I would have never thought about myself, and it prompts these questions. It prompts deeper sense of self-awareness. Absolutely, it does. And it hurts, right? It really hurts because nothing. I'm telling you, there is no BuzzFeed quiz or nothing that you can do in the secular world that will make you look at yourself like an examination of conscience. There's just nothing. There's nothing that is a good one.
00:30:41
Speaker
The one I use is the one that the priests use. And man, I know that there's a lot of criticism over the clergy, but if you want to see the examination of conscience that they have to read over, it's quite eye-opening. It's pretty remarkable. Okay, so it's based in the Ten Commandments and some other teachings of the church.
00:30:58
Speaker
You just go through in very great detail these questions. And again, you ask yourself, did I do this or did I not do this? And then, but it doesn't just leave you there, right? You'd prepared with that, then you would go into the sacrament of confession. And then the ending of the sacrament of confession is the resolved sin no more, right? You need to have true contrition, deep sorrow for your sins.
00:31:20
Speaker
and for these ways that you were not acting in conformity to God's will, and then they're resolved to sin no more. Yeah, I think that's really important to note too, and this is just about self-awareness in general, but even in the specific example of an examination of conscience and the sacrament of confession is that some of these things can have kind of a
00:31:41
Speaker
negative connotation, or at least like a, like it's going to bring you down type of thing. But all of these things, again, if you're, I think it comes down to intention, why are you doing this, right? If you are looking for affirmation, and again, like I said, like not, it's, that's not always a bad thing. I think we as human beings, we're made to build each other up. And so we do at times look for people to build us up and to encourage us.
00:32:11
Speaker
But if your point of self-awareness is to improve as a person, you can't do that unless you know what's wrong in the first place. And so while it might seem like going along with that Catholic guilt thing, it's like, oh, these are just a bunch of Catholics talking about how awful they are. Because
00:32:30
Speaker
because we know that the trajectory that we're going is up. Right. And I have to get rid of some of these sandbags before I can start to rise. And I need to know where the sandbags are to begin with before I can do that even. So at the baseline of all of this talk is a message of hope and of great encouragement. And so I just wanted to mention that too, because that's important to remember.
St. Ignatius's Spiritual Self-Examination
00:32:59
Speaker
Michelle, I love that you said that because though certain people are ready for that really hardcore examination of conscience, most people aren't yet. And so for them, I discovered Saint Ignatius of Loyola. He lived in the 1500s. He wrote a book called Spiritual Exercises, and he has a five-point examine. Have you ever heard of this?
00:33:20
Speaker
I have heard of it, but I'm not sure I know those five steps. I love this. So the first point is that we thank God for the benefits that we've received. Now, in order to do this, right, you'd have to list the good things. So you'd have to examine yourself and think about the good things, the gifts within yourself, the blessings in your life. So that's the first thing you do. You thank God for the benefits you've received.
00:33:41
Speaker
The second thing is that we ask for the grace to know and correct our faults. The third thing is that we go over each hour of the day and we just consider our actions and our thoughts. Fourth, we ask God's pardon. And in the fifth area, we promise to change our ways. I feel like that's a really gentle and loving approach to really get into this as a spiritual exercise.
00:34:06
Speaker
I like that too. It's kind of like the spiritual exercise version of the sandwich approach to criticism. Do you remember that? Have you ever heard of this? No. It's like the general rule of thumb. If you have to give someone constructive criticism, we'll say you have to sandwich it. So you offer like a really positive affirmation, then you hit them with your criticism.
00:34:29
Speaker
And then you finish up with something encouraging again. I feel like these five Ignatian spiritual exercises is like, thank you so much for all the blessings. I'm really sorry to that. But thank you. And I'm going to show you better. Yeah. St. Ignatius also had something called the Particular Examination of Conscience. And I believe I've said this before in the podcast, but I'm going to touch on it again here because I think this is really, really important.
00:34:57
Speaker
So he says that upon waking you determine whatever particular sinful behavior or actual sin. But if it's a sinful behavior, I'm thinking like yelling or whining or judging people or gossip. Whatever one you're ready to overcome that you wish to stamp out of your life and you concentrate on overcoming it.
00:35:16
Speaker
And at noon, you have to pause and stop and consider it, right? Consider how many times you've done that sort of thing. And you have a little notebook and you actually write down how many times you've done it, what you've said, you keep track of it. And then you do that again at bedtime and you get out your little book. And he says it's a very business-like approach, just the same way that a business professional would track, hopefully, the decline in losses and the increase in profit. You need to approach it that way.
00:35:44
Speaker
And this is the same process you can actually use if you want to grow in virtue. You can pick a virtue that you've been wanting to grow in and you can set it as your intention for the day. You make note of it. You check in at noon and you check in again at bedtime. And that is a particular examination of conscience.
00:36:00
Speaker
I like that because it appeals to our practicality and our natural sense of reasoning and logic, right, to approach it so logically. So that could definitely be a more tangible step for people to take if, you know, like we were saying, the other methods, either in the secular world aren't giving you enough, or if the other examinations of consciousness we talked about in the church are maybe a little bit too much right now.
00:36:29
Speaker
All right, Michelle, we often joke that there is a prayer that shall not be named.
Litany of Humility as a Self-Awareness Tool
00:36:34
Speaker
That's right. We've talked about it before. And it's a prayer so powerful that you will be begging to be made humble, but not that humble.
00:36:45
Speaker
But not like that, but not like that. So it's called the Litany of Humility. And I am telling you from personal experience, and I'm sure you can vote for this too, Michelle, right? That when I have prayed this prayer for multiple days in a row, my life has unraveled. It is completely unraveled around me. Things have happened out of nowhere that I was not expecting, that have completely knocked me off my pedestal. This prayer works.
00:37:10
Speaker
And how can it not, when you're asking Jesus to deliver you from things like being honored, praised, preferred over others, consulted on things, when you ask that Jesus remove your fear of being despised, forgotten, ridiculed, and wronged?
00:37:25
Speaker
when you ask and pray that others may be loved more than you, that in the opinion of the world others may increase and you decrease, that you go unnoticed while others are praised, and that you become only as holy as you should be while others all around you seem to grow far holier. So I don't know, man oh man, tell me when you pray that if you don't have an immediate and strong response in your gut telling you who you are and who you need to be.
00:37:52
Speaker
Yeah, I have to say that praying this prayer, this litany of asking Jesus for all these things, it truly is something that is kind of like exercise, where you really don't want to do it at first. And then afterwards, after you've kind of gone through a bit of the pain of being corrected, maybe in some of these areas that you do struggle and giving up control and desire.
00:38:20
Speaker
I don't think I've regretted praying it after the fact. It truly is transformative like you were saying, but truly in a way that is meant to orient you towards something far, far better than just ourselves, ultimately.
Benefits of Spiritual Direction
00:38:37
Speaker
Another tool from the church to help in my own journey of self-awareness over the last few months has been seeking spiritual direction from a priest in my case. I've heard about it for so many years and I've prayed for a spiritual director for a long time.
00:38:55
Speaker
And basically what it is, is really kind of the way I see it, talking about where God is directing you to go in life, and that the Holy Spirit will speak through the priest to you, and it's a means of figuring out
00:39:14
Speaker
what you're supposed to be doing right now and where you're supposed to be going. I have found this to be really, really good for my sense of self-awareness because there have been moments where my director has mentioned something that I may have kind of glossed over, but he'll kind of call back to something I mentioned in passing and we'll dig a little bit deeper into that and I'll think, oh my goodness, I would have missed that.
00:39:39
Speaker
had I been on my own. So it's not a requirement by any means, but it is a tool that the church recommends. And a lot of the saints had spiritual directors. Especially when you have the same flight plan, you have the same end goal, right? When you pay a therapist or a counselor or something, you might not both have the same goal. My goal is heaven and so is my spiritual directors. So we both are making sure that everything that we're doing is going to get me there.
00:40:06
Speaker
Um, and so you need to be on the same page with that. It is not counseling. Let's be really clear on that. Like you were saying, it is a conduit for the Holy Spirit to work through, preferably a priest, um, to do your appointments. Um, I've been blessed with the spiritual director over the years and it, if there are times where you're in the appointment and the session and you think, all right, well, nothing big is happening. Like nothing, I didn't learn anything earth shattering.
00:40:30
Speaker
But when, because it is the Holy Spirit, that next month, right, in between appointments, a lot happens in that next month. And you are so ready for that next appointment as the Holy Spirit has been untying some knots, tying some other knots in your spiritual life, like just, you know, really gently bringing you along. And I know that you and I are both incredibly blessed to have a spiritual director. It is very hard to find one.
00:40:59
Speaker
But it is definitely something if you were asked by a priest, if you'd like them to take you on, say yes, jump at the chance. If you can arrange this for yourself, definitely take it because it is a wonderful experience. Now, if you can't get someone, there are some things, like we were joking about all the personality tests, there are some things that are totally fine in the church. And you and I did a whole episode on the temperaments, so we could suggest that you really look into finding out what your temperament is.
00:41:28
Speaker
that will help you grow in a lot of self-awareness. You can also do charisms. There's some great charism tests out there. You can find out what gift you were given by the Holy Spirit. You'll get to know a lot about yourself with that as well. You can even do Myers-Briggs. One of my other spiritual directors did Myers-Briggs with me. And so there are some other things that you can do to get to know yourself better, some of these tools that you can use if you don't have access to spiritual director.
00:41:55
Speaker
Um, I do want to advise so that you're cautious that, um, you know, looking into all of this to not put all of your faith into it, right? There is a human tendency to go, well, that's it. I'm choleric as I am. And then I just use that as an excuse for everything. That's where the spiritual director then helps guide you, um, through finding out these things, but they're definitely a good tool to have in your toolbox.
Keeping Self-Awareness Simple
00:42:21
Speaker
So before you kind of embark, we'll say, on this journey of self-awareness, Lindsay, you and I were talking a little bit about some of the things that we should keep in mind before we do this as two people who can kind of spiral into
00:42:40
Speaker
in fascination. Like we're just naturally curious about these things. Some things that we've learned to kind of help keep things focused, we'll say. So the first thing that I have been really conscious of over the years when I embark on self-awareness questioning is that you need to feel peace, right? That
00:43:02
Speaker
true self-awareness in alignment with grace, it will ultimately give you peace. And even that is a really good benchmark to notice how you're feeling about something. If it's driving you to a darker or a sadder place, then possibly it would be a good idea to stop and examine what you are actually looking into.
00:43:25
Speaker
That might be a really good impetus to bounce it off of someone else, like what we were saying with therapy or spiritual direction. My priest said in spiritual direction, if there is not peace, it's not of God, no matter what it is, period. It's the simplest way to know that. So even when you and I were talking about the most in-depth questions on the examination of conscience, when you're really like,
00:43:46
Speaker
purging your soul, there is a feeling of peace with that. That is not an unsettled feeling, and it's hard to convey that if that's something you've never done. But there is a deep feeling of peace as you're working through that stuff, even though it's an unshakable peace, right? So even though you can be feeling temporarily unsettled or that painful process of going through it, there is still a grounding of peace. And again, it is really hard to convey what that means unless you felt it, but
00:44:10
Speaker
peace should be the benchmark here. And I think part of that knowledge of peace just comes from the sense that now you are able to form a plan and take action, right? You always feel better when you have a plan. And until you know what it is you're trying to achieve,
00:44:29
Speaker
You can't really do that. So I think even the peace will comfort you when you're really starting to look into yourself in ways you can improve. Even if there are hard parts or really ugly parts that you don't want to face, you will have peace because you're like, oh, okay, that's where I am. And now I can move forward. That is peace too.
00:44:51
Speaker
The next one is keep it simple. So you and I were talking about this this week that again, we are rabbit hole fallers. We fall down every rabbit hole. We love it. And truly like the most obscure things. But I think that when you're trying to do this journey of self-awareness, self-knowledge,
00:45:11
Speaker
Know when to stop. Know where your limit is, right? Read it as soon as you start to grasp it and you're feeling that bit of peace when that starts to kind of slip away. Go, you know what? Okay, I'm good.
00:45:24
Speaker
All right. I know enough that I know I'm choleric. I know I'm prideful. I know these things. You don't have to keep digging at it. You don't have to keep picking at the wound. Know when to stop. We don't have to overcomplicate. This is a multi-billion, bajillion, Trigillion dollar business.
00:45:42
Speaker
self-help. That's right. So they are going to try to push on you, every book, every resource, every podcast, everything about these things. And so you can just go, okay, I know enough. I know enough about myself right now. I'm going to stop listening to all of that. And I'm going to just start from this point on working on myself. But yeah, you know where to draw the limit.
00:46:04
Speaker
Right, because ultimately the point of life is not self-awareness, right? It's to live well. And if you're a Christian, to live in a way that makes you holier. So, I mean, you can have all the self-awareness in the world, but if you're not living your life, then that's the critical second part of the equation that we need to remember that ultimately our focus and our energy goes to them living out
00:46:32
Speaker
kind of what we've learned. Putting the book down and living a little bit. Yes. And the third thing we're going to encourage you to remember is that this whole process though, it is ongoing. Like we are not going to reach perfection this side of heaven.
00:46:51
Speaker
And so don't be hard on yourself when different things keep popping up. Because I feel like it's going to for the rest of our lives. We'll always be working on something all of our lives. And this is a different way of living, I think. Because if this world is it, then the point of life is to become as perfect as we can in the eyes of the world anyways. And within yourself.
00:47:17
Speaker
like just perfect your own standards right if you don't have anybody else to answer to then yeah that your goal if this is it then it would be to be the best you that you can be according to your own standards and that's a lot of pressure right but just to know that there will always be things that you will need to work on in your life that change is kind of an ongoing process
00:47:39
Speaker
It's going to be a different way for you to live, but to quote one of my favourite shows of recent days, The Chosen, there's one quote that says, get used to different. And I really liked that. I can get behind that. I know that a lot of what we talk about on the podcast is a really different way of seeing the world.
00:48:00
Speaker
seeing things than what we might be used to but let's get used to different and I think even that is a really encouraging hopeful call for us to do some of this deep work and to come out better on the other side.
Current Favorites of Michelle & Lindsay
00:48:25
Speaker
Okay, it's time for our What We're Loving This Week segment of the show. So, Lindsay, what have you been loving this week? This is a repeat. I'm sorry that I have to share this again, but we love it even more than I think I loved it when I first shared this on What I'm Loving This Week. So, I mentioned before, on Brit Box, there is a version of Sherlock Holmes that started in the 1980s and went right through to the early 90s, and it stars Jeremy Brett as Sherlock.
00:48:52
Speaker
And yes, people, I have seen Benedict Cumberbatch and he's a great Sherlock, but Jeremy Brett has my heart. I am just obsessed with the show. The details, the sets, oh my goodness, their apartment is gorgeous, the acting. And aside from a little 1980s styling on some of the ladies, it's just
00:49:10
Speaker
Perfect. It is just really, really well done. My big kids are obsessed and they're so obsessed that they help us rush to get everything done at bed, bedtime, so we can get our younger two into bed. They have watched it too. They're totally fine with it, but we just like having time with the big kids. So it's our special thing with them at night. And there is some language and content in the newer Sherlock that I'm just not comfortable with in our home.
00:49:35
Speaker
And this older, cleaner version isn't lacking at all in its atmosphere and its storytelling. And so it's just truly great for the whole family. So it is just called Sherlock Holmes. It's on Brit Box. Look for the one starring Jeremy Brett. Okay. Well, you know, we just finished. Now we're all caught up with Shetland. Oh, you are. Yes.
00:49:56
Speaker
And I was a little bit disappointed this morning when I realized that I can't find season six yet, at least where we are. So maybe Jeremy Brett can get me through, I'm hoping. So Michelle, what are you loving this week?
00:50:11
Speaker
Okay, so like I alluded to before, what I'm loving is actually the TV series, The Chosen. And I know what you might be thinking right now if you've heard of this show. Really, Michelle? A TV show about Jesus? But cheer me out, okay?
00:50:29
Speaker
So the series seeks to be the first multi-series show about the life of Jesus. And I actually love this idea because although there are fantastic movies about Jesus's life, it is true that often a film has to try to condense a lot of events and conversations into a short amount of time, like maybe two to three hours.
00:50:52
Speaker
But having a TV show format really allows for a lot more context and history and even like character relationship developments because every episode is about 40 to 50 minutes and it just takes on one or two events or storylines.
00:51:09
Speaker
So it has really fleshed out a lot for me regarding a few stories and people from the Bible. Now this first season really dives into Nicodemus, who is the one disciple who came to Jesus by night.
00:51:25
Speaker
And then, fascinatingly, St. Peter's history. It just made so much sense seeing the events of Peter's life that would have led him to so quickly and fully agree to follow Jesus when that time came.
00:51:40
Speaker
Now, I have to say that I have two favorite episodes that are tied, and it's between the one, Jesus Loves the Little Children, which is an entire episode about Jesus's friendship with a group of kids before he begins his public ministry, and it is as delightful as it sounds.
00:51:57
Speaker
and then the episode featuring the wedding feast at Cana. You know, you ask yourself like, yeah, why were Mary and Jesus invited? Who were these people? Why do they need so much wine at a wedding? Can St. Andrew dance? All these questions and more are answered.
00:52:15
Speaker
So I'm glad to see a well-produced show on the life of Jesus that's out there right now and it kind of goes along with what we've said in our entertainment episodes that we're starting to see like good quality entertainment of this type of genre and so whenever that comes out I try really hard to support it.
00:52:40
Speaker
Okay, that's going to do it for us this week. If you want to get in touch and chat with us about our topic today, you can find us on our website, www.themodernlady1950.wordpress.com, or leave us a comment on Facebook or Instagram at The Modern Lady Podcast. And don't forget to subscribe to our new YouTube channel, which is called, you guessed it, The Modern Lady Podcast.
00:53:05
Speaker
I'm Michelle Sacks and you can find me on Instagram at mmsacks. And I'm Lindsay Murray and you can find me on Instagram at Lindsay Homemaker. Thank you so much for listening. Have a great week and we will see you next time.