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Contentment, Lagom and Living Life in the Balance
1.1k Plays11 months ago
We live in a world of great excess. Advertisements and the media beckon from every corner of our culture to indulge and to seek a life of unbridled luxury. But does this truly make us happy? This week, we are chatting about the art of a balanced life, our quest for contentment and a wonderful Swedish concept called Lagom.
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Transcript
Pre-recording Antics and Introduction
00:00:01
Speaker
This is making me laugh because right before we recorded, I opened up one of our drawers and I found the mini umbrella that goes with the squirrel table I bought. Like that table you mount on your fence and you put nuts on it so a squirrel can eat at its own picnic table, you know? Yeah, I thought she said squirrel table, but I... Squirrel table. Yep. And Michelle, let me tell you how badly I needed that squirrel table when I bought it.
00:00:35
Speaker
Welcome back to the Modern Lady podcast. You're listening to episode 145. Hi, I'm Michelle. And I'm Lindsay, and today we are talking about contentment. We live in a world of great excess. Advertisements and influencers beckon from every corner of our culture to indulge and to seek a life of unbridled luxury.
00:00:58
Speaker
But does this truly make us happy? The truth is more counter-cultural than we may realize, and the key may be found in our quest for contentment and in a wonderful Swedish concept called Lagom.
Support and Community Engagement
00:01:11
Speaker
But first, the best way that you can support the Modern Lady is by subscribing to our podcast on whatever app you use to listen to podcasts and by sharing us with your friends.
00:01:21
Speaker
We also welcome you to join us over at patreon.com forward slash the Modern Lady podcast where for just five dollars a month you will get exclusive and extra content. Michelle and I just want to give a shout out to our newest Patreon supporters this week. It means so much to us that you can support us in this special way. Thank you to Lacey, Deb, and Shell for joining us on Patreon.
00:01:44
Speaker
And if you would like to leave us a comment or message us about today's episode, the best way to get in touch with us is on Instagram at the Modern Lady podcast. But be sure to stay tuned to the end of the episode for other ways to connect because we would love to hear from you.
Cultural Etiquette and Kindness
00:02:05
Speaker
But before we get into today's chat, Lindsay has our Modern Lady Tip of the Week.
00:02:11
Speaker
I'd like to thank my friend Karina at that.catholic.widow for this etiquette tip suggestion. The season of gifting cute Christmas tins filled with baked goods is upon us and while many of us are aware of this etiquette tip, it's worth repeating and as always I've enjoyed looking into it a little further. The tip is never return a Tupperware container empty.
00:02:35
Speaker
It could be Tupperware or any type of food storage container, but if someone is kind enough to drop off food for you, whether it be chicken noodle soup because you're sick or some homemade cookies, be sure to return their container with another treat in it.
00:02:48
Speaker
How widespread is this practice? I found a whole article on this topic from the British newspaper TheGuardian.com, and it opens with two examples of how this is a very common practice in Korea and in Lebanon. I know that it's common for many other places too, but the article shares two sweet stories of people returning borrowed food containers filled back up with food from their cultures, and the one story is especially wholesome.
00:03:14
Speaker
Karima Chloe Hazim is the founder of a Lebanese cooking school and she is a firm believer in never returning empty containers. This practice spread to her workplace when someone brought a snack in for everyone and then she brought the home the container and filled it with a Lebanese treat and then someone else brought it home and filled it with the treat from their country and so on and so on. What a lovely idea for a workplace.
00:03:36
Speaker
The Guardian article goes on to suggest appropriate items to refill a container with. If it's small, a bag of chocolate covered nuts is a nice gift. And Hazeem suggests a loaf of sourdough bread and some butter if it's a larger container. An Italian-born chef also mentioned in the article says that she loves returning borrowed items and it could be a mixing bowl or a pot as well with some fresh produce from her garden.
00:04:00
Speaker
The article ends with the Korean practice of jjung, which is a lovely cultural concept of showing affection, and it can be practiced with food by dividing and sharing the last bite of something. Essentially, it is sharing food with those we appreciate, making sure each person gets a little something, and if that isn't a wonderful thing to keep in mind as we enter into this gift-giving season, I don't know what is.
00:04:25
Speaker
Oh, I love this idea. I have to say, I'm not in the practice of filling up empty containers back. I'm always like, no, I'm kind of preoccupied with making sure they're getting something clean back so that they don't have to wash more dishes. But I do, I really love that idea of just like,
00:04:46
Speaker
a little acknowledgement of gratitude when someone goes out of their way to be kind and share something with you and your family.
The Quest for Balance and Contentment
00:04:54
Speaker
I really like that. Well, it's funny, it's on my Facebook memories today, you delivered to me soup and bread, right? Because I was sick and we log in today and you are under the weather and I wish I could get out to you with some hot soup today. Oh, that's okay. Then I would give back the takeout containers. And then so on and so on.
00:05:20
Speaker
Balance is certainly a trending buzzword in our day. We seek work-life balance, we strive to eat a balanced diet, we try to balance our schedules and our checkbooks. We can all probably agree that balance is a good thing, but where to begin for all of our life, right Lindsay?
00:05:39
Speaker
Yes, it's the thing I struggle with the most. Hands down, it is the thing. I am really good at either extreme of something, but that middle road I'm terrible at. And I think that when we recorded last week's episode and we were talking about contentment, we realized that that true feeling of contentment really comes from a place of balance, right? And we're like, okay, these two things are connected, so we want to do a whole episode on this.
00:06:08
Speaker
Yeah and do you know what I think that because I'm similar like especially when I'm presented with a new idea or something like that I want to go all in whatever it is and it can be like either an extreme of excess or an extreme of severity or an extreme of practice in any one sense but very rarely do I take the time to consider
00:06:32
Speaker
How can I approach this in a more balanced way? And you're right, like taking that more moderate approach often, as we'll talk about today, does lead to greater contentment. Yes. Now there was a specific part in our episode last week that just really struck you and I, right? So for those people who maybe haven't heard that episode yet, I'm just going to repeat that section.
00:06:57
Speaker
So, I had said, there was research done on a group of nomad peoples living high up in the Himalayas. Researchers showed these people videos and photos showing many different human emotions and vocal changes that happen when someone is happy or sad, etc. They, not surprisingly, recognized and understood the emotions that they saw represented. But one emotion gave them pause, and it was contentment.
00:07:22
Speaker
Now, the guide named Dr. Dorji Wingchuk said, quote, in our culture, this emotion is very special. It is the highest achievement of human well-being, and it is what the greatest enlightened masters have been writing about for thousands of years, end quote.
00:07:39
Speaker
Their word for this is Chokshay, which basically translates into the knowledge of enough. And this is what stopped us in our tracks, this phrase, the knowledge of enough. It inspired us to revisit this concept of contentment and then to make a whole episode about it. So we'll look into contentment and then we're going to go into temperance and then on a new fun Swedish concept that we've been loving for a while, we will finish up with. But first, let's go a little deeper into contentment.
00:08:08
Speaker
So there is a famous quote by Oscar Wilde and in it he says, true contentment is not having everything, but being satisfied with everything you have. And we're like, that's it. Perfect. We're done the episode. How are these people able to summarize in like one sentence what we are probably going to talk about for the next like 40 minutes or so?
00:08:31
Speaker
I'm looking at my word count, and I'm like, yep, 3,500 words. That's, I guess, why Wilde was a professional. Yeah. That's right. Oh, but yeah, that is such a good quote. I was trying to look up different definitions of contentment and contentedness from around online, and so many of the definitions go along with what Oscar Wilde was saying, right? Being happy with what you have, who you are, where you are right now,
00:09:00
Speaker
There was a really good definition on goodtherapy.com that adds on this idea of like it's about respecting the reality of the present.
00:09:13
Speaker
And that image was just so striking to me, like being content means just respecting the reality of the present moment.
Consumerism and Contentment Challenges
00:09:21
Speaker
And I don't know if we often do that, you know, so much of our lives are spent like rehashing the past or constantly looking ahead where we're going, what we could gain from any particular thing.
00:09:33
Speaker
But I love like all of the definitions of contentedness really forces us to stay here and now and work on the satisfaction right now.
00:09:46
Speaker
Yes. And this is actually, it seems like such a simple topic, but I'm sure you found doing your research that it is anything but simple. There are so many things that threaten our sense of contentment, of contentedness. There are just so many things that are just wanting to disrupt us, whether it's how we view ourselves, our houses, our bodies, our relationships. There's just so many different aspects that can really make it hard for us to find true contentment.
00:10:13
Speaker
One of those things was a problem in Wild's time, in Oscar Wilde's time, but even more now. We live in an age of great consumerism. And this is a new experience for humans. It really started in the late Victorian period as the Industrial Revolution started to mass produce items, which made goods more affordable for the working class people. This was new. And then things took a turn again during the two World Wars and the Great Depression.
00:10:41
Speaker
And, you know, the world wars impacted Europe's day to day life in a certain way. And the Great Depression maybe impacted the United States more. But needless to say, there was a period there where you couldn't just go get what you wanted for average people. And then the fifties happened and it was like this massive boom and everything. And you needed to have the best stuff. And that's where like, you know, these perfect houses and the housewives and and middle class prosperity really happened.
00:11:09
Speaker
including the creation, essentially, of the teenager. Obviously, there's always been, in chronological age, teenagers, right? But they weren't a target market audience until the 1950s and 60s. And companies wanted to create lifelong consumers. And that's when they really started marketing to these teenagers that had, for the first time, some independence. They weren't going off to fight in war. They had little jobs, right? They had some money to spend.
00:11:36
Speaker
And so now, now in 2023, you add in social media, which is, well, let's just remind ourselves, like the whole purpose of social media is data gathering. And there's that saying that if you're not paying for a product, you are the product. And that's what social media is, right? They want to get to know you as best they can so that companies can target you as best they can with ads.
00:12:00
Speaker
And so this desire, this desire that is just ever growing to keep up with the Joneses is one of those things trying to steal our contentment. And I think that it comes down to in a lot of these areas, expectation versus reality. And I think that our expectations are dramatically increased by what we today are seeing again on social media and reading in our romance novels and watching on Netflix.
00:12:26
Speaker
And when such an artificial reality is essentially being pushed on us, reality itself seems more and more grim as the days go by. And so I'm like, how on earth can we be contented in such a world?
00:12:41
Speaker
Mm-hmm. It's true. It's, it's discontentedness, right? Is what we're struggling with here. And on that note, everything you just said relates back to, I came across an excerpt from Fulton Sheen's, our, our beloved, our beloved, Fulton Sheen's book. He has a book called Way to Happiness. And the first chapter is called Contentment.
00:13:08
Speaker
And I know, and he identifies the four reasons that you may be discontent. And the four of them are egotism, which he essentially explains as pride, envy, covetousness, and jealousy. And that goes so much with what you were saying, especially about what breeds are discontent, especially nowadays. It's the advertisement. It's the desire.
00:13:37
Speaker
to have for ourselves so I would consider that like the egotism and the pride and then the wanting to keep up with the Joneses keep up with everything else that's envy jealousy covetousness that's all that comes up and he goes on to say like you know it's all mitigated by the virtue of humility seeing things as they really are
00:13:58
Speaker
And that ties into what we're talking about, respecting the reality of the present, right? So you're right, like in a very secular way, and we're seeing also in a theological way, this whole, the underlying issues here all stem from the same things as our discontent comes from the same places.
Philosophical Insights on Contentment
00:14:19
Speaker
And the solution is similar too, and it's rooted in reality and in our present moments.
00:14:26
Speaker
I love that. Of course, Sheen had something brilliant to say on it, and I can't believe I didn't know that. That's incredible. And it's funny, because in my notes, when I was trying to define contentment, I found it was actually maybe easier for us to understand discontentment, right? That's just something we can put our finger on more than maybe we can with contentment.
00:14:46
Speaker
Yeah, strange how that happens. Yes. So then I was like, everything when you Google contentment, it's always linked with happiness, right? And so it's like, okay, how are contentment and happiness different? Because they are different. And then as soon as I started to dig into that, I went all the way back. It was like a time travel trip back to ancient Greece and Aristotle.
00:15:08
Speaker
And I came across this term, eudaimonia, and it is a central concept in ethics and philosophy. Now, to Aristotle, it's the highest human good. And I think this is really interesting. I got this quote from Britannica.com. It says, it is the only human good that is desirable for its own sake, and then in brackets, as an end to itself.
00:15:31
Speaker
rather than for the sake of something else," and then in brackets, as a means towards some other end, end quote. That's kind of a lot of words, but it's very different than our concept of love, which is willingly go to the other. This concept of achieving the highest human good is really the only thing that is good for our own sake. And I'm like, I kind of like that. So when I kept looking into it, I was
00:15:57
Speaker
I was, why was I shocked that there was so much information that we couldn't just sum up this very intense philosophical concept in just a few minutes on our little podcast. Um, but it's fascinating. And so another thing it kind of talks about is that it is the good performance of the characteristic function of human beings. Okay. So namely excellence in all the best parts of being human. Okay. It's like you want to do all the best things living a virtuous life.
00:16:26
Speaker
And we'll go into virtues a little bit more, but you know, Christianity isn't the first place that came up with virtues. This was a really big deal in the Stoic culture of ancient Greece as well. So to sum it up, it seems like in order to achieve the highest human good, we need to practice a lot of self-control. And when we master ourselves, we pave the way for a quote, complete life, which is again, what their goal is. And I think having a complete life would make someone feel pretty darn content.
00:16:56
Speaker
Mm hmm. Wow.
00:16:58
Speaker
A lot there with that. A lot. My goodness, you're right. Like, how could we have like summed up ancient Greek philosophy in a more succinct way? Bravo. Well done. Um, yeah, I was so interested when you were saying that Aristotle really taught that to achieve eudom, how do you say it? Eudomonia? I think eudomonia, but then I was just thinking, it's like eudomonia. So either tomato or what we mean.
00:17:28
Speaker
So eudaimonia or eudaimonia.
00:17:33
Speaker
namely that it requires you to basically live virtuously, right? And we have talked about cultivating virtues before on the podcast, and I think we'll get into a little bit more in a little bit, but we do know that trying to live virtuously and trying to live out the virtues is a lot of hard work, mostly interiorly, right? Like it's a lot of working on yourself.
00:17:58
Speaker
So I think I found that article you were referencing last week about the nomadic tribe. Yeah, yeah. And this part really relates to what you're saying about eudaimonia. Is that all
00:18:14
Speaker
All the other emotions require external input, so like their reactions to something in the outside world. But that contentment, and in this case we're talking about eudaimonia, is something that comes from inside of us. It answers like, how whole are you?
00:18:31
Speaker
And that because of that, how content we feel is entirely up to us. So we can't always control the external input that's coming in, but we can determine our level of contentedness, which the article says, quote, offers an incredible power and stability. And I just love this concept that, you know, contentment, eudaimonia, it's not to be confused with complacency.
00:19:00
Speaker
Right? So to be happy and satisfied with where you are with what you have and to find that purpose and meaning here and to do that work as opposed to just being unsatisfied with your life and what you have right now but also being unwilling to do anything about it.
00:19:19
Speaker
Yeah, I love that you said how whole you are.
Wants vs Needs for Simplicity
00:19:22
Speaker
Yeah, I love that. Okay, so somewhere in my research, and I think this is the first time ever I don't actually have the name of the website, but it was something like Urban Therapy, I think. They suggested three ways to grow in contentment, and I thought these are great. So the first one is learning to distinguish between wants and needs. And I think this is something that maybe we don't
00:19:48
Speaker
know how to develop in ourselves, but if you've ever raised toddlers, it's something that we seem to want to teach them, right? And I'm like, this is like, so it's something that we like, it's a great time to start to practice that skill is right from toddler years on. But I guess the main distinction is that needs are things that are required for survival and wants are things that are good to have, right? But they aren't technically essential.
00:20:13
Speaker
But I think that when we learn to distinguish between those things, it really allows us to appreciate both of them in a really authentic way, especially when we treat ourselves finally to one of those wants.
00:20:26
Speaker
Yeah, and this kind of piggybacks off of what we were talking about before with advertisements and social media and everything. That's the nature of marketing, right? We're so surrounded by marketing. It is hard to distinguish just on a surface level what is a need and what is a want because everything is presented to us as a need.
00:20:47
Speaker
You have to have this in order to be fulfilled, to be content and to find that happiness. So I don't think we could maybe be blamed for those times without thinking. We're confusing the wants and the needs.
00:21:03
Speaker
But that's a really good clarification and kind of a call back, a harken back to try to distinguish between those two because there is quite a big distance if you think about it. This is making me laugh because right before we recorded, I opened up one of our drawers and I found the mini umbrella that goes with the scroll table I bought, like that table you mount on your fence.
00:21:27
Speaker
and you put nuts on it so a squirrel can eat at its own picnic table, you know? Yeah, I thought she said squirrel table, but I... Squirrel table, yep.
00:21:35
Speaker
And Michelle, let me tell you how badly I needed that scroll table when I bought it, but Jason has not hung it up yet. So I'm laughing about those needs. And I think this is especially important to remember as soon as, oh my goodness, as soon as November 1st hit, our Instagrams were filled with like all of the Christmas needs, right? And so that message is just going to be hammered home to you, like you need this, you need this, you need this.
00:22:01
Speaker
Yeah, to grow in contentment, start to learn how to practice distinguishing between your wants and needs. Now, the second thing is simplicity and uncomplicated life and really learning what that means and how to embrace it. And the world tells us that we need to be everywhere, doing everything, being everything to everyone. And I think it's a lie. I think that, right, it's this idea that it wants the world or the devil wants you to be as stressed as possible so that you can't be your best
00:22:31
Speaker
version of yourself to the people you love the most and so I actually think the truth is is that we have so much more control over our lives than we'd like to accept because sometimes it's easier to just go with the flow but we as adults we can say enough at any point and we can excuse ourselves from the like the rat race right the daily rat race and so I think that working towards a more simple life and
00:22:54
Speaker
is a lot easier once you've mastered step one of the wants versus needs
The Role of Gratitude and Temperance
00:22:59
Speaker
thing. So you kind of work on that first and then you start to discard and detach from the things that you really don't need anymore. That's so interesting because something that I see pop up a lot in tandem with simplicity online is the need for purpose.
00:23:17
Speaker
like to have a clear focus on what your purpose is. And I can totally see how these two things are related because if you really know, you know, what are your goals in life? What is really important? What is essential? What is it that you really need as opposed to want?
00:23:34
Speaker
then you don't need to clutter up your life with superfluous things, right? That are not gonna help you get to that goal. And so, yeah, I love that idea of simplicity and how it all kind of comes back to purpose. Oh, and purpose as well, finding your purpose in that sense can really contribute to your sense of contentedness as well. If you know exactly what you're about,
00:24:01
Speaker
and where you're headed. Yeah, you're not going to be bothered by the distractions and you'll probably feel a lot more at peace. Yes. And then if you reach that point, I think it's the third thing and it's perfect, it's gratitude. So I think after you've figured out what's essential for your life, like you're saying, once you've simplified things,
00:24:23
Speaker
I think you then really learn to be thankful for that one special event that you bought tickets for, that you're looking for, or that new winter coat that you saved up your money for. So you bought a better one, and it's going to last you for a long time. I think true gratitude is deeply satisfying. And I think that that's what leaves you feeling contented or contentment.
00:24:44
Speaker
So the next thing we want to talk about is something that I think this word gets a bad rap. Maybe it's because it's still associated with, um, oh, prohibition, right? The temperance movement, the T totalers, the no more alcohol movement, but it's the word temperance. And it's again, it's, it's
00:25:03
Speaker
In this sense, we're using it in a theological sense, but it's still that same concept of like, not too much, not too little, and finding your contentment in that middle ground. And so, yeah, you and I look at it as temperance. It's one of the four cardinal virtues. But first, I'll just address again, like, what is a virtue? And we've talked about it many times before, but I found a new thing today. I thought that was really cool. And it's from catholicsstraightanswers.com. Not to be confused with Catholic answers.
00:25:32
Speaker
took home, which I think a lot of us Catholics are used to. Catholic straight answers. Even more direct. Yes. And in it they wrote, St. Paul and his letter to the Philippians captured the idea of virtue and the living of a virtuous life. St. Paul writes, My brothers, your thoughts should be wholly directed to all that is true, all that deserves respect, all that is honest, pure, admirable, decent, virtuous, or worthy of praise.
00:26:00
Speaker
Now it says, with this in mind, the classic definition of virtue is a habit or firm disposition which inclines a person to do good and avoid evil. Okay so there's a whole bunch of virtues but then the Catholic Church has four cardinal virtues. These are prudence, justice, fortitude, and temperance.
00:26:19
Speaker
And then also from CatholicStreetAnswers.com, they say that these are the four primary moral virtues, the cardinal virtues. And the word cardinal derives from the Latin cardo, which means hinge. Consequently, these four virtues are called cardinal because all of the other virtues are categorized under them and hinge upon them.
00:26:40
Speaker
And then finally, just so we're super clear, Temperance is defined by the catechism of the Catholic Church as the moral virtue that moderates the attraction of pleasures and provides balance and the use of created goods. It ensures the will's mastery over instincts and keeps desires within the limits of what is honorable.
00:27:00
Speaker
hands down. That is my favorite definition. There is so much there, right? It's not denying pleasure. It's just keeping things in balance. And it's not also saying don't give into buying created goods. Like all of these things are, are mentioned and taken into account, but it's keeping those things in check and staying honorable. Oh, I just love that.
00:27:20
Speaker
Yeah, I had that one line, that last line from the Catechism's definition too, in my notes that it's the will's mastery over instincts, right? And it really just sums up the connection between temperance and contentment, right? It's this knowledge of enough, right? That's essentially what temperance is as a virtue, is exercising your will to the point where you know as you go through your day-to-day life,
00:27:50
Speaker
How much is enough? Like you said, it's not like, it's not a deprivation. It's not severe. And sometimes, because probably of the prohibition, we think it's a severity. We think it's an abstinence of something, right? That's right. But really, it's just a mastery of your will. And that absolutely is virtuous. And it is, as we said, a lot of work to master. Yes.
00:28:17
Speaker
And if these cardinal virtues seem familiar to you, you may be familiar with the four stoic virtues, and they are wisdom, courage, temperance, and justice, and these are again from Greece.
00:28:28
Speaker
And these were pre-Christian times. And there's a great quote from dailystowick.com that says, temperance is the knowledge that abundance comes from having what is essential. The Stoics often used temperance interchangeably with self-control. Self-control, not just towards material goods, but self-control, harmony, and good discipline always, in pleasure or pain.
00:28:52
Speaker
admiration or contempt, failure or triumph.
Lagom: Balance in Swedish Culture
00:28:56
Speaker
Temperance is guarded against extremes, not relying on the fleetingness of pleasure for happiness, nor allowing the fleetingness of pain to destroy it." And I think that's everything we would agree with from a Catholic perspective. That is how we would describe temperance.
00:29:12
Speaker
Yeah, yeah, just this idea of moderation, right? Yes. And what's interesting too is that it's kind of like the, you know, the golden rule of doing to others as you would have them doing to you. And you can find it in every, I think it's every major world religion. You can find an iteration of that. It just spans, it's kind of
00:29:35
Speaker
It's intrinsic to something within us that you can find it in so many places over so many centuries. And I was finding that this is the case too for this idea of the practice of moderation and of temperance and why it's so important.
00:29:54
Speaker
So a lot of these examples I was really interested to learn about from a YouTuber named Irina Skold, and she was talking about the Swedish art of Lagom, and she points out all of these different universal practices of moderation. And she starts with the Temple of Apollo in Delphi, which has two inscriptions, and one of the inscriptions says
00:30:19
Speaker
maiden agan, which means nothing in excess. Then she goes into Epictetus, which is a Greek Stoic philosopher who says, if one oversteps the bounds of moderation, the greatest pleasures cease to please. Moving into Seneca, who's a Roman Stoic philosopher. And he said, quote, so-called pleasures, when they go beyond a certain limit, are but
00:30:48
Speaker
punishments." End quote.
00:30:51
Speaker
And then also too, in the Arabic world, the concept they have is called wasat, W-A-S-A-T, which means middle or centered or balanced and moderation. And then of course in the Bible, in the Christian tradition, there are so many references to moderation and temperance. Like in Philippians chapter four, Paul says that quote of, you know, rejoice in the Lord always, I say it again, rejoice.
00:31:20
Speaker
Now some version says let your kindness be known to all, but in other versions it's let your moderation be known to all. The Lord is here. Yeah, and the many other ones as well. So I just love that it seems to be a universal call because something within us knows that excess is not going to be what ultimately satisfies us or where we'll find true contentedness.
00:31:47
Speaker
Oh, I love that. And that brings us back to Sweden and this concept of lagom. Right? Yes. This is basically a way for us to get to Sweden. We were so excited to get to Sweden.
00:32:03
Speaker
We can't possibly do another episode on hygge, and we've already done fika years ago. Alongside my books on my bookshelf of fika and hygge, I have a book on lagom, and I've had it for a long time. We're so excited to come here.
00:32:20
Speaker
Um, and so it brings us back to this concept of enough, right? The knowledge of enough, which is what we started with. And while I love temperance and I'm all about the four Karl no virtues, I just thought when you and I were joking about those, that maybe it's because it's Scandinavian, but, um, lagom seems a little cozier than temperance.
00:32:40
Speaker
And then we were like, maybe because most of the times it's referenced, it has to do with cake, like with Fika and having your little dessert in your coffee break. But then in my notes, I was like, but it doesn't always have to do with cake. But to me, it's like... Not too much cake. Not too much cake.
00:32:56
Speaker
So I'm back to Scandinavia. So yeah, the word is L A G O M like home and it means not too much and not too little just right so my book about like home is written by a woman named Linnea done and
00:33:12
Speaker
And she says that it's widely believed that the origin of the word comes from a Viking saying for laget om, which means around the team, which is what they did when they would pass the drinking horn around. It meant that everyone took just enough so that there would be enough left for the next person, which Michelle, when you said that interchangeable word from scripture of kindness versus modesty, was it those two? Moderation, yes. Moderation, right, okay, sorry, kindness and moderation.
00:33:40
Speaker
That made me think that when we are moderate, it is by effect kindness to everyone else, right? When we don't take anything in excess, right? We are, it is often an act of kindness. Yes. Oh my gosh. That's such a good point. Because when I was reading about this origin as well with the Vikings, which I love that this is the etymology of the word. It's reminded me of the quote. Now, I thought it was Mother Teresa.
00:34:09
Speaker
But other people say it could have also been Gandhi. I think it could be either one of them who said, live simply so that others may simply live. Right. Yes. Right. Which is a kindness and a consideration of how you live your life. So how it impacts positively someone else. So, yeah, I love that. The concept of lagom is this philosophy put into practice.
00:34:34
Speaker
And that's so interesting because OK, another aspect of it in Swedish culture is that they can they say it's like a fairy use policy to make sure everyone gets their piece because everyone is entitled to like their own piece of something. And then the second aspect of lagome in Swedish culture is about satisfaction. So, yeah, it's making sure everybody gets something. But it's also that you learn to be satisfied with what you did get. This other awesome thing about Swedish culture that was at the in the intro of my book, so
00:35:04
Speaker
It talks about how in 1996 an author named Jonas Gardel referred to Sweden as the country of semi-skimmed milk. And from what the book says, Swedes really loved this description and like own it because they say it's perfectly lagom. The milk is not too skinny and not too fat. So they are semi-skimmed people. Oh, so 2% milk. Oh, I do love that too. Yes, just that
00:35:35
Speaker
Yeah, it just all comes back to that balance, right? But I do love going back to what you're saying about this fair use policy, that there's enough for everyone. I kind of like that legalistic aspect to Lagom too, that side of it. Yes. It kind of reminds me of our favorite Navy SEAL, Jaco Willink.
00:35:55
Speaker
When he talks about discipline equals freedom, right? And because we've just been talking about temperance and the virtues and how it's this interior work that we have to do. We have to discipline ourselves to have self-control in order that everyone
00:36:12
Speaker
gets their fair share of something, but that ultimately when we do that it's going to free us interiorly from our own desires. And why is that important? It's because we're free to extend the fruits of that virtue to the other people around us.
00:36:28
Speaker
So it's just, as with a lot of concepts I think from Sweden, they have like this very holistic view of how a lifestyle, a communal lifestyle especially, should be taking into consideration how
00:36:43
Speaker
your individual self impacts the community and how a healthy communal aspect will impact you as an individual and the give and take that's found there. I love that about Sweden and it's actually so important for them, like this type of thing. A lot of it's been worked into their government policies.
00:37:01
Speaker
Because the lagome lifestyle there, it's not just about FICA, which is the coffee break and cinnamon roll in the afternoon. They use it in terms of work-life balance, exercise, if you're staying in versus going out. But it's such a part of their everyday life that it's been worked into workplace policies, daycares, government institutions.
00:37:21
Speaker
They've helped all make this achievable, this idea, this work-life balance. They have really long maternity leaves. They have more coffee breaks during the day. You get longer vacation time. There's really affordable daycare, including after-school daycare, which is called fritens, which literally translates into free time, which is really neat that they're like, hey, it's a little bit more free time maybe for the parents who need to grab something on the way home after work.
00:37:49
Speaker
Right down to the culture that promotes fatherhood as just as important as motherhood in like an actual way of like doing the actions. There's an equal breakdown of the parenting duties there that you really don't get in a lot of other countries. So there's a system in place, you know, away from the government on down, like a top down system that helps people achieve this balanced legume life.
00:38:12
Speaker
That's a really interesting point too just noting the differences in cultures that their entire lifestyle right up to the like the government laws of the land seem to support this
00:38:29
Speaker
this philosophy of life. Whereas for us, it might be, at least for a little while, like we live in a culture that's not quite so interested, I guess, as a whole legally about the supporting the balance of everything. We have like the glorification of busyness. Your value is dependent on the amount of work you put out.
00:38:53
Speaker
Yeah, all those different things. It's interesting to note like we long for that kind of a balance, but societally it might take a little bit longer to reach that extent here as opposed to how it is in Scandinavia. Totally. I would say it's such a different culture over here. And I'd say Canada's kind of in the middle, right? We've got a little bit of, I call myself a Scandinavian.
00:39:17
Speaker
I feel like we've got a bit of it up here, but there is still very much that race culture over in America and parts of the United States. And it is so different than when you hear from people in Italy and Spain and these different cultures over in Europe.
00:39:32
Speaker
They do seem to have really held onto this idea that your life, your lifestyle is critically important for your health and the health of the community, like what we're saying. Another interesting aspect of lagom in Swedish culture is their design. So I'm talking like furniture and home design. We know this. We know IKEA, right? It's going to pop into your head.
00:39:54
Speaker
It's minimalist, yet often really well made, the furniture, especially if we go beyond IKEA. But I've always been happy with my IKEA products. Their furniture and their home decor is affordable, yet eco-conscious. And it's also seen in what they choose to wear in their wardrobe. Swedes really love to have a minimalist, like, capsule wardrobe.
00:40:17
Speaker
They have usually just a few colors, but then the odd really fun piece that they mix in there, which again, I love. But mostly they dress in a very timeless and beautiful way. It doesn't seem like they're as ruled by trends, not saying they're not trendy, but they're not ruled by trends like we seem to be over here in America.
00:40:36
Speaker
Yeah, that's such a good point. I was reading an article and I, maybe my first time too, I can't remember what the article was because they didn't write down the source, but it was a woman sharing about her year trying to live La Gome.
00:40:53
Speaker
Basically. And the one thing that she noticed was about how much more simple getting ready in the morning was for her when she practiced this balance. This practice of determining between wants and needs.
00:41:09
Speaker
And how the needs are quite simple, right? They're quite basic. And so even she talks about how she does her hair and compares it to how in like Sweden, it's often very embraced, like just your natural hair. And how for her, she found that so freeing. She spends so much time even daily in the morning trying to style her hair to perfection, where she could just
00:41:35
Speaker
find a nicer balance in even those very personal aspects of our day-to-day lives. And then I think again, it all goes back then again to when you've simplified those ways, right? You're very appreciative of the things you have and you free up a little bit of time and mental space and energy.
00:41:53
Speaker
And then the last thing I love about it is the section in the book again, it's called Lagom by Linnea Dunn, and she says, quote, last but not least, consider how you define happiness. Expectation is a powerful thing. If your aim is bubbling ecstasy, for example, life might seem disappointing a lot of the time. From a lagom perspective, sustainable happiness is just as much about acknowledging problems with a solutions focused hat on
00:42:21
Speaker
and being present during the small moments of calm and bliss in your everyday life. Wow. I want to live my life in a, what did she say? Ecstasy. What kind of ecstasy? Well that, yeah, that you're not supposed to live your life. I know I'm not supposed to, but I'm just, I'm now thinking like how much of
00:42:44
Speaker
how much of my life is spent in pursuit of living in that bubbling ecstasy, which sounds so attractive. But oh my gosh, but when she flipped and said, like, actually sustainable happiness is found with approaching even life's problems with what was it, the problem-solving hat. A solutions-focused hat, yep.
00:43:05
Speaker
And then on the flip side, being present also for the small moments of common bliss that you're just at the ready in the moment, right? Yeah. And honestly, as soon as you said that part of the quote, I was like, Oh, no, no, no, that's actually
00:43:23
Speaker
what I want that sounds even on paper more attractive than even bubbling ecstasy so yeah I love this idea that lagom is again it's not complacency it's contentedness and contentedness does actually require a bit of work a bit of problem solving a bit of perspective
00:43:45
Speaker
And a little bit of inner work with our virtues so that we're self-controlled enough to balance those desires from what is actually essential.
Contentment in Everyday Moments
00:43:56
Speaker
Yes, and so like what you're saying, somewhere in that middle ground one finds contentment.
00:44:01
Speaker
There's a painting by Edward von Goetzner, and it's called Peace and Contentment. Now it comes up on the Wikipedia page for contentment, a page riddled with issues, as it reads like a personal essay, I will say. But there's an image there, this painting from 1897, and it's of an older man. He looks like a monk in his brown habit and hat, but he has a well-worn leather apron covering most of his clothing.
00:44:26
Speaker
He has his hands resting on the breast part of the apron, thumbs tucked inside, fingers on the outside. You know the pose. And his head is leaning back on a barrel. It makes me think that perhaps he's a beer maker and he's on his break. He's had enough to eat. You can see that from the cloth from which he removed his lunch. There's one piece of bread left and a tiny morsel of cheese by the knife and a tankard there, no doubt filled with beer at one time.
00:44:52
Speaker
And he's smiling and he's almost just looking at you, glancing at you from the corner of his eyes. And there's a slow grin and it wrinkles up his cheeks and he looks very satisfied. He's had enough. He's had his fill. He has rested and his needs have been met. He isn't a fancy man and he will no doubt have to return to work. But there is no doubt that he is deeply content.
00:45:15
Speaker
It is different than happiness, although happiness and contentment are siblings. It's hard to picture contentment alongside any other emotions, but it can be there if we cultivate it. It can bring a slow smile to your face too, even amidst worries and troubles. It can help you find ways to be thankful and it can help you savor that little treat you're having with your afternoon coffee.
00:45:38
Speaker
And like our friend in the painting, you too can tuck your hands in somewhere comfortable and lean back in your chair and smile the smile that says, that's enough, I'm good now.
Personal Experiences and Recommendations
00:46:00
Speaker
Okay, it's time for our What We're Loving This Week segment of the show. So Lindsay, what have you been loving this week?
00:46:08
Speaker
Well, I just have to say off the bat, I had a wonderful week away with some girlfriends, right? And so I spent a day at a Scandinavian spa, which I could say is by what I was loving this week, because we were talking about that. And so it's that whole hot bath, steam room, cold plunge. And I'm a chicken, so I couldn't do the cold plunge.
00:46:25
Speaker
Yeah, so it's kind of a way. So there wasn't a lot I consumed media wise, but then I realized, well, there was a show that Jason and I managed to binge all in like one day last week. And I debated on sharing it because it's a pretty heavy show and it might not appeal to a lot of people, but we thought it was very well done. And I think it's worth watching if this genre appeals to you. Okay.
00:46:49
Speaker
So it's almost totally appropriate. We did fast forward through one very quick scene, but it's a German show and it's on Amazon Prime. It just showed up and it's called The Therapy. I don't know if you've seen it yet, Michelle, on your homepage. No, I haven't. We watch it with subtitles. I can't handle dubbed TV shows, so we have to go subtitles.
00:47:10
Speaker
And, um, it just sucked us in immediately. It opens with a father frantically searching for his missing 13 year old daughter who seems to have vanished from the doctor's office while he was waiting in the waiting room. Now on the surface, it seems like this shows about the missing teenager and there's a lot of flashbacks that lead up to her disappearance. But what it really is, is a deep dive into mental health and the therapy field. And it's a mind bender because you really start to wonder
00:47:35
Speaker
who is the patient here? Who's the one actually needing therapy? And it's eye-opening and it is a look at what very severe mental health looks like and its impact on loved ones. So again, I just want to warn everyone, it is intense and dark, but it's also incredibly acted and beautifully filmed. And if this sounds like it's up your alley, you can check out the therapy on Amazon Prime.
00:47:59
Speaker
Oh, that sounds really good. Well, I know we've talked about this before, but I do love shows and movies that really challenge your mind and challenge how you're thinking and how you're seeing things. And so I'm definitely going to check this one out. And so what have you been loving this week, Michelle? Okay, so
00:48:22
Speaker
I need to talk today about the documentary Beckham on Netflix, a caveat before I really get into it though. The documentary is riddled with a lot of profanity, like F-bombs, I will say, right? It's done almost entirely interview style, which I know we've talked before and I know you've said it before, Lindsay, too.
00:48:45
Speaker
that sometimes it can make a difference when it's like speaking off the cuff profanity as opposed to actually scripted in profanity to a show but there is a lot so just be mindful of that before you watch and also just as a side note before I get into why you may want to consider it anyways you could also stream this show through a filter like VidAngel like we've used VidAngel before and it would work really well in filtering out language of any show you're not sure about
00:49:15
Speaker
But the reason why I still want to talk about this show is because it was just excellent in several ways. So the documentary follows soccer superstar David Beckham from his childhood love of soccer through his career and fame in the sport.
00:49:33
Speaker
I don't remember following the highlights or the lowlights of his career very closely while they were happening. So I found the documentary so interesting, especially when you're able to hear from the players and from Beckham himself about the inner workings of the soccer world, how things work there, their real feelings on certain games or situations that was going on.
00:49:58
Speaker
And I also really loved hearing about David and his wife Victoria's marriage and family life. I found their love story and their commitment to one another really beautiful through the highs and also through the many challenging points of their marriage.
00:50:15
Speaker
and how they really spoke about knowing that this was something they both wanted to fight for, and so they did tooth and nail. I also didn't know much about Victoria Beckham at the time, but I was really impressed with her throughout the documentary as well, her dedication to her family in particular. I followed her on Instagram for a while now, but this documentary really made my respect for her go up for sure.
00:50:44
Speaker
Otherwise, though, the production is incredible. Something that they did while filming that I loved was when they would do a very, very close up of the interviewees face. And then I think that they would be showing through maybe the reflection of the camera lens or something.
00:51:03
Speaker
a moment or a game or a headline to catch the interviewee's reactions and emotions. And they would overplay that with clips of a game or something. It's hard to explain. I don't know if I made sense, but you'd have to see it to know what I'm talking about. Oh, totally. I'll cut it in. It's my favorite part, too. It's incredible that they did that. Yeah, exactly what you're saying. It made it so intimate and personal.
00:51:30
Speaker
And then finally, just the storytelling itself, I really felt was masterfully done. So at times it was informal and casual, at other times a bit more narrative, but I loved the fantastic use of the clips intermixed with the interviews, sometimes going back and forth very, very quickly.
00:51:50
Speaker
to tell a really good story and it was just a documentary and a show that I got really lost in and I appreciated their story so much and I'm really glad that they produced something like this. Oh Michelle I'm so glad you shared this because I saw the first three episodes and I think I told you it's killing me that I saw them when we were away at a cottage where there was a Netflix but we don't currently have Netflix and the Wi-Fi cut out before I could watch the fourth episode.
00:52:19
Speaker
And I was like doing anything to like extend our stay in the cottage, so I could just watch the last episode. But to this day, I haven't seen it. Yeah, the language was hard to deal with, but it does tell such an interesting story. Never before, never before have I cared about soccer. I'll just say that flat out, right? But then I'm like, yeah, my jaw was on the ground and I actually, as much as, and I have followed Victoria's career since the Spice Girl days, but I,
00:52:48
Speaker
I mean I'm a celebrity junkie so I have known Pasha and Bex, I've been following the relationship since the 90s but I never really cared about him on his own and having this new appreciation for the sport and him as a little boy sleeping beside a soccer ball and his pictures of soccer and
00:53:07
Speaker
It's just, it's a really wholesome story. And I think that you and I've talked before, like with our other show that we love, Chef's Table. When you see someone who has dreamed of doing something forever and then they've excelled in it, that's just a great story, right? That whether you are interested in what the job is or what they do, seeing someone work so hard and get what they deserve feels fantastic. So it's just a really encouraging and inspiring story.
00:53:31
Speaker
And also too, I think what adds to that as well, in this regard too, I was really surprised by how impressed I was with his character. Yes, just his work ethic, his courtesy. There's one part where David Beckham was having troubles with one of his teammates.
00:53:50
Speaker
And his teammate retaliated by speaking publicly about the TIFF. And David and the other team players on being interviewed were just saying like, you just don't do that. Nothing leaves the change room when you're on a soccer team like that. And so eventually they reconciled and they sat down face to face and they talked it out. And this other player was big enough to admit that he was wrong for doing that.
00:54:17
Speaker
And that he still felt how he felt, but he shouldn't have handled it like that. And Beckham said, okay, I respect you for saying that. And then it was over. And this other player was saying in the interview, he's like, I don't know what I was expecting. He's like, if it was me on the other side of that table, I would have totally written the guy off.
00:54:37
Speaker
It's been like, yeah, whatever, we're done. And so it was just like a lot of that kind of character that I didn't know about the personal life of David Beckham and that I was interested to learn more about.
00:54:53
Speaker
And one more thing I learned that I really appreciate about soccer or football as I never knew I did was when they bring in so the like Newcastle United Manchester United they always have the younger kids division and remember how they bring the big like the professional players out in the field and they always had a kid with them like they were always really building up that next like player the next players
00:55:14
Speaker
They really integrated them well into the clubs, right? Into the football clubs. And so it's this whole thing that we just don't really understand here in Canada. And so it was the entire culture that I was just so excited to see like this little glimpse into.
00:55:34
Speaker
Okay, that's going to do it for us this week. If you want to get in touch and chat with us about our topic today, you can find us on our website, www.themodernlady1950.wordpress.com, or leave us a comment on Facebook, Instagram, and YouTube at The Modern Lady Podcast.
00:55:53
Speaker
I'm Michelle Sachs, and you can find me on Instagram at mmsax. And I'm Lindsay Murray, and you can find me on Instagram at Lindsay Homemaker. Thank you so much for listening. Have a great week, and we will see you next time.