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45: A Widow Talks About Her Husband's Mental Illness
203 Plays5 years ago
September is National Suicide Prevention Awareness Month. Now more than ever, the discussion surrounding suicide prevention and mental illness must be a priority.
From NAMI (National Alliance on Mental Illness):
September is National Suicide Prevention Awareness Month—a time to share resources and stories in an effort to shed light on this highly taboo and stigmatized topic. We use this month to reach out to those affected by suicide, raise awareness and connect individuals with suicidal ideation to treatment services. It is also important to ensure that individuals, friends and families have access to the resources they need to discuss suicide prevention. NAMI is here to help.
This week’s guest is Gina Schuster. She lost her husband, Corey Schuster, to suicide. Jill Devine went to middle and high school with both Gina and Corey, so this conversation was very special to Jill. She was incredibly honored that Gina was willing and ready to share Corey’s story.
In the episode, Gina opened up to Jill about the ongoing struggles Corey dealt with and the different treatments he tried up until his death. Corey and Gina have three children: Evan (13), Tessa (11), and Mason (8). In 2011, Corey was diagnosed with bipolar disorder. Both Corey and Gina agreed they wanted the kids to know about his diagnosis because of the ups and downs Corey faced regularly.
Gina provided some resources for those who are suffering from mental illness, suicide loss survivors, and family activities to help ease the pain.
Resources:
*Suicide Prevention Lifeline 800-273-TALK (8255) / Crisis Text Line, text TALK to 741741
*NAMI (National Alliance on Mental Illness)
*Facebook – search “Modern Widows Club St Louis Chapter”
*The Missouri Chapter of the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention has a great program called “Talks Saves Lives”.
Lastly, Gina organized a walk on behalf of Corey. Money raised goes towards suicide prevention. You can donate or join Gina’s team. Search for “Corey’s Crew”. The walk is happening Sunday, September 27th at 1p.
New to Season 4, the Supermom Shoutout! Jill would like to acknowledge and recognize the hard work moms put in on the daily. It can be a thankless job at times, and Jill wants these moms to know their worth. Jill is nominating this week’s Supermom and it should be no surprise that she’s nominating Gina.
Before her husband’s death, she always put Corey and her kiddos before her own needs. Now, she is raising her three children alone and she’s helping them grieve, as well as grieving herself. She doesn’t quit and she will never give up.
Gina – YOU are seen and YOU are supported!
To nominate a Supermom (or you can nominate yourself) email hello@jilldevine.com. Submit the name of the Supermom, where they're from, and a brief description as to why Jill should shout out this particular Supermom.
Two Kids and A Career Website: https://www.jilldevine.com/
Two Kids and A Career Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/jilldevine/?hl=en
Two Kids and A Career Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/JillDevineMedia/
Thank you to our spons
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Transcript
Discussing Mental Health with Kids
00:00:00
Speaker
Two Kids and a Career is a production of Jill Devine Media. Did you guys talk a lot about it? I mean, I know that that seems like an obvious question, but I also think that sometimes that would be a very difficult conversation sometimes to have or to admit if you're the individual who's suffering.
00:00:17
Speaker
Yeah, we did talk about it a lot. And we talked with our kids about it a lot as well. Within this household, it was it was safe to talk about. And I wanted the kids to understand it. I wanted them to understand his behavior and why he might be acting the way he did. Because with bipolar disorder, you could be really just on top of the world one day and happy and go, go, go. And then
00:00:43
Speaker
you know, within a matter of hours or a day, you could be in bed and not wanting to get out of bed. And so it was important for Corey to talk to the kids about it and for us to be honest with them so that they could ask questions if they wanted to. I feel very fortunate that Corey was very open with me. I feel like I had a very good understanding
00:01:05
Speaker
of how he was feeling some of the thoughts that were were in his head. I mean he struggled with some of the mistakes that he had made in his life and you know the hurt that his mental illness and addiction sometimes caused our
Introduction to 'Two Kids and a Career'
00:01:20
Speaker
family. Two kids in a career is brought to you by Blondin Real Estate. They're a family owned boutique style brokerage with over 40 years of experience serving the counties that surround St. Louis.
00:01:30
Speaker
See the properties they have to offer at blondeinrealestate.com. That's blondeinrealestate.com. Hi there and welcome to Two Kids and a Career. I'm Jill Devine. As an entrepreneur, wife, and mama, the daily grind of trying to build a business while taking care of kids and trying to maintain a healthy connection with my hubby, it's a lot. With this podcast, you're going to hear candid conversations with other moms.
00:01:53
Speaker
parenting experts who can share their knowledge and insight, or you'll just hear me rambling to get it all out. There's going to be tears, there's going to be laughter, but most importantly, there will be support. Take a listen and connect with me so we can grow and learn from one another. This is Two Kids and a Career.
00:02:11
Speaker
Welcome to season four of the podcast.
Super Mom Shoutout Segment
00:02:14
Speaker
I'm Jill Devine. And before we start this week's episode, I want to remind you to stick around until the very end of the episode because this is new to the podcast. It's the super mom shout out. So at the end of every episode, I shout out a super mom. And if you have a super mom that you want to nominate, email me hello at Jill Devine dot com.
00:02:33
Speaker
OK, so I would definitely be lying if I said I was feeling super confident in myself for this week's episode. So I don't know if you feel this way ever or I don't know. But when I'm talking to a complete stranger, I don't feel as nervous and I feel a little bit more confident in myself. But when I'm talking to someone I know pretty well,
00:02:58
Speaker
I don't feel that way. I feel a little bit more nervous. I don't feel very confident. I don't know. Do you feel that way ever? So I'm just telling you that because that's what's going to happen this week. I'm talking to someone I know pretty well. Let me introduce my guest to you.
Gina Schuster on Loss and Hope
00:03:15
Speaker
Welcome to the podcast, Gina Schuster.
00:03:17
Speaker
Thank you, Jill. Thanks for having me. Anyone who might be listening who knows me and you, knows we are friends from middle school, friends from high school, and you know exactly what we're going to talk about. So you might be able to
00:03:35
Speaker
Brace yourself or and I hate to make any kind of assumption because I will be honest with you, Gina, in thinking about this episode, I thought, man, this is going to be super heavy. I've got to prepare myself, but
00:03:49
Speaker
I don't know what's going to happen. And that's the beauty about this podcast. So let me fill in those that are strangers to you and me. Gina lost her husband to suicide. And September happens to be National Suicide Prevention Month. And with everything going on in the world today, you're seeing a lot more PSAs for mental health and checking on those individuals.
00:04:16
Speaker
And so while
Journey After Loss
00:04:18
Speaker
it would have been easy for me to reach out to someone like you, who I know personally, and I wanted to have on to talk about this serious topic, I didn't feel like it was my place to do so. So Gina did reach out to me. I had told her I wanted her to come on the podcast, but Gina reached out to me and said she's ready.
00:04:38
Speaker
So Gina, you said you're ready. You're ready to talk about your journey so far. And I want to thank you for being brave and coming on. You're welcome. Yeah, I, you know, when we first kind of talked about maybe doing the show, I didn't I didn't really know what we would talk about. And then I started hearing more about suicide prevention.
00:05:04
Speaker
And I felt like that was the perfect time for me to come on and talk about this and hopefully provide some hope to other people and maybe provide some resources and be able to tell my story and Corey's story because I think it really is an important story to tell.
Understanding Mental Health Struggles
00:05:26
Speaker
100%, because again, something that has been talked about on this podcast so many times is you don't know what is going on with people. And you don't know based on, and this is the world of social media,
00:05:46
Speaker
You could just think someone is so super happy and there's no struggles or things are okay. And until we're honest and have these tough conversations, we're not going to know. And so I want to maybe back up a little bit as to
00:06:04
Speaker
Uh, maybe my perspective because maybe that'll help lead into things. First of all, let's talk about your kiddos because you and Corey high school, I won't want to say high school sweethearts because when did you guys start dating? Was it after high school? We started dating at the end of senior year.
00:06:21
Speaker
Okay. All right. So, all right. Cut off. Okay. High school sweethearts, barely. Tell me about your kids real fast and their ages. Okay. So we have our oldest son, Evan, is 13 years old. Our daughter, Tessa, is 11. And then our youngest son, Mason, is eight years old. And I don't want you to get mad at me. You probably already know this, but man, Cory's genes definitely.
00:06:48
Speaker
Oh, yeah. Those are definitely Cory's kids for sure. Sorry, Gina. Nope, I know. If I hadn't been birthing them myself, I would question it if I had anything to do with it. Okay, so those that know you and know me know, they will agree with this statement that I say,
00:07:13
Speaker
Gina is a Strong-ass woman Gina from middle school in high school when we know we knew each other really well Gina was in charge Gina was a leader Gina was part of everything Gina was just in it like she just You knew if there was a committee or there was a group Gina was gonna be in charge and she was gonna make it awesome Corey
00:07:42
Speaker
was the goofball. He made you laugh. You always were like, oh, what's this guy going to do next? How is this going to work? And he just had this way of making you smile. So when you two got together, it was hilarious, I think, to some, because there was this well-kept woman, well, in high school, what can you, a young woman, and then this goofball, and then it just
00:08:11
Speaker
was just kind of awesome to see because Corey's group of friends, they are a close group of guys. They are still to this day. They are a core group. And it was just fun to see these people that I love from high school. I mean, I know some people
00:08:30
Speaker
think high school was awful. They didn't love it. I am proud to say high school were some of my fondest memories. And it just was so fun to see you guys together as a couple. So from a perspective of an outsider that wasn't in your group all the time and hanging out,
00:08:50
Speaker
I saw that Corey was fun. He is a United States Marine. He loved serving his country. He loved just supporting the military. I knew that there were some demons.
00:09:07
Speaker
I didn't know if it started before the Marines or after but then again being on the outside and just knowing you two I just kind of figured you have things that happen here and there. No big deal. It's what happens. I didn't honestly know and I don't I mean it's not anybody's business really Gina to know the inner workings of what is happening with you guys but
00:09:32
Speaker
I don't even I don't know if I want to fast forward and say, was there something that you wish you would have put out there or him or I don't know. Where do you want to begin with this story? You know, with Corey, he did always try to make people happy and make people smile and make people laugh.
00:09:53
Speaker
And I think part of that was just genuine love for people and wanting to help people. And I think part of that was trying to mask some of the things that were going on internally for him. And some of those things he shared with people that were close to him. And, you know, for some, he kind of kept that in tucked in close and didn't want to talk about
Corey's Hidden Battle with Bipolar Disorder
00:10:19
Speaker
that.
00:10:19
Speaker
He did struggle with addiction, so that started before the Marine Corps, and that continued off and on after the Marine Corps. And then in 2011, I believe it was, he was diagnosed with bipolar disorder.
00:10:36
Speaker
And so that was something that he struggled with on and off over the years and actively did try to get treatment for that and took medication and saw a psychiatrist. So that was just part of his struggle.
00:10:57
Speaker
you know, but he didn't always share that with other people. He, I think, knew who he could, who he was safe to talk about that with. And those were the people that he chose to talk about it with. And I have found since he died,
00:11:12
Speaker
that it was other people who were struggling with similar issues. That's who he disclosed that to, and that's who he talked to, I think because it was so important for him to make connections with people and to help people feel okay. So that's who he trusted to have some of those conversations with.
00:11:33
Speaker
Did you guys talk a lot about it? I mean, I know that that seems like an obvious question, but I also think that sometimes that would be a very difficult conversation sometimes to have or to admit if you're the individual who's suffering.
00:11:47
Speaker
Yeah, we did talk about it a lot. And we talked with our kids about it a lot as well. Within this household, it was safe to talk about. And I wanted the kids to understand it. I wanted them to understand his behavior and why he might be acting the way he did. Because with bipolar disorder, you could be really just on top of the world one day and happy and go, go, go. And then
00:12:15
Speaker
you know, within a matter of hours or a day, you could be in bed and not wanting to get out of bed. And so it was important for Corey to talk to the kids about it and for us to be honest with them so that they could ask questions if they wanted to. And I feel very fortunate that Corey was very open with me. I feel like I had a very good understanding
00:12:40
Speaker
of how he was feeling, some of the thoughts that were in his head. I mean, he struggled with some of the mistakes that he had made in his life and the hurt that his mental illness and addiction sometimes caused our family. So we did talk about it quite a bit. I think sometimes
00:13:02
Speaker
and i'm working on this too that sometimes we think our kids can't handle it and we have to talk to them about these things the more. Open and honest we are the more they can start to understand you mentioned with being diagnosed with bipolar and i mean i know some of.
00:13:21
Speaker
bipolar but not enough. I don't have anyone right in my life that I see that has that and what they go through but you said he could be such on a great high one minute and down low in the next. That's I think where that perspective comes in.
00:13:41
Speaker
I never saw any of those low points. And I don't, I mean, that's nobody's fault. That's not Corey's fault. That's not anybody's fault. Why would you want to put those things out there? But that was just, I guess, my point with Corey. And I know you feel this way or you know this, you always saw the happiness, at least I did the outsider.
00:14:01
Speaker
Yeah, and I think that's what he wanted people to see. And as his wife, I felt, I guess I felt protective of him. And I felt like it was his story to tell at that time, if he wanted to. And it wasn't my place to talk about that with other people.
00:14:24
Speaker
And so his lows were private. They were within our household. And there were a few people that knew what was happening with him at different times. And I would say for the most part, he was a very high functioning
00:14:41
Speaker
mentally ill person. So for the most part, he was happy and joyous and actively participating in our family. But when he hit lows, they could be pretty devastating. And he didn't want a lot of people to see that. And I had to respect that. The one thing that I have
00:15:06
Speaker
realized with this podcast is sometimes you just want to talk to a complete stranger or an acquaintance about the things that you're going through because you know it's difficult to share some of those hard things with people that are super close to you. And that kind of hit me when you said that he wanted to talk to others who are going through the same thing as him. It just made me think,
00:15:35
Speaker
Well, yeah, that makes sense because I think sometimes we can get a little jealous. I don't think it's not the word. I'm trying to think of the right word. Like if your bestest of friends doesn't come to you about something and you're like, well, why don't you feel like you can trust me or I'm a safe zone? And it's not that. It's just that you want to go with someone that
00:15:59
Speaker
they're maybe going through the exact same thing and you just, for some reason, that person you just feel safe with. Yeah, I think so. And I think, you know, a lot of people after Corey's death, even people that were very close to him said to me, I had no idea this was going on and why didn't he talk to me? And, you know, I wish it were that simple. I wished that Corey could have had, you know, kind of broaden his
00:16:29
Speaker
support network and talk to more people about it. But that wasn't the way he wanted to do it. And again, he was his own person. I did as much as I could to help and support him. But he had to figure out his own path. And that was the way that he chose to handle it. So I don't think it was anything personal or hurtful against his friends or his family or people that loved him.
00:16:58
Speaker
It's just he chose who he felt comfortable talking about it and oftentimes it wasn't the person that he was closest to. I'm so glad you mentioned that. Let's go ahead and fast forward.
Reflections Before Corey's Tragic Decision
00:17:13
Speaker
It's been less than a year since your husband took his life. Do you want to talk about what happened right before then or
00:17:26
Speaker
Sure. Okay. Yeah. Yeah. I'm okay talking about that. Okay. So, it was the end of October. Actually, starting in the middle of October, Corey started struggling with anxiety and he never really had anxiety before. It was more, you know, the issues with bipolar and the ups and downs with that, but he started struggling with anxiety.
00:17:51
Speaker
And I could tell something was wrong. And at first, he didn't talk to me about it. But I pushed a little because I knew something wasn't right and we needed to figure out something. I also tried to be really active in his treatment and talking with his doctors and knowing about his medications and
00:18:11
Speaker
So, he finally admitted that he was feeling really anxious. And so, we tried getting him into his psychiatrist and they weren't able to get him in until December. And this was, you know, mid-October. So, they prescribed a medication for him for anxiety.
00:18:31
Speaker
It didn't really seem to help. And those last couple of weeks, I just saw things kind of starting to spiral, but I didn't really know what to do. He was hesitant to go to the hospital. You know, he had been hospitalized before.
00:18:51
Speaker
in a mental health hospital. And I remember going to see him and thinking, this isn't right. This isn't the treatment that he needs. And even the doctor said, we need to get him out of here as soon as possible. And so we didn't want to do that, but I could just see that he was getting worse. And so those last couple of days of his life,
00:19:16
Speaker
He started drinking and that was not a good thing for him. He had struggled with sobriety off and on and had long periods of sobriety. But he started drinking and he drank in front of our children, which he hadn't done.
00:19:38
Speaker
And he left our house after he had been drinking and the kids knew that. And so that was a really bad day and we were really worried about him and honestly I thought I was going to lose him that day. He made it safely to a friend's house, and he stayed there.
00:19:54
Speaker
But the next next day or two after that he really was just very depressed and I thought I'm gonna try something that has worked before
Last Conversation and Seeking Help
00:20:08
Speaker
and I thought Tough love was gonna be the right answer that I needed to tell him that you know, he couldn't do that
00:20:17
Speaker
to our kids and to me. And he it was time to get professional help. And and he agreed with me and we had a conversation. And he decided this was on a Friday, he decided he was going to go stay at my parents house. They were out of town for the weekend. Take some time to think and figure out what his next steps were going to be. I said goodbye to him. I hugged him. I told him I loved him.
00:20:48
Speaker
And I told him, we will figure this out. It'll be OK. And that was the last time I saw him. And he went to my parents' house, and I communicated with him throughout the night. And he was talking to several friends that night and reaching out to people. And then his phone died. And he didn't have a charger with them.
00:21:20
Speaker
And I think he lost his lifeline. And I'm not sure exactly when, but sometime that Friday night or early in the hours of Saturday morning, he took his life.
00:21:42
Speaker
And on that Saturday morning, I woke up and thought, Corey doesn't have a charger. I'm going to run it over to my mom and dad's house for him. Um, and then I found a letter that he had written to our children.
00:21:58
Speaker
And it wasn't a suicide note. It was talking about how badly he felt that his mental illness and his addiction had, how it had hurt the kids and how it was hard to explain, but that he was wanting to get help and trying to get better and
00:22:17
Speaker
how much he loved them and that he was hopefully only going to be away for a little while and he wanted the kids to be good to me. And so when I found that letter, I kind of got this feeling of panic and I went to my parents' house and that's when I found him. So obviously I knew that you found him.
00:22:48
Speaker
Are you glad it was you who found him? Yes, I am. Don't get me wrong, it was the most difficult thing I have ever seen in my life.
00:23:10
Speaker
person that I loved most in this world to know that they took their own life, that they felt so low, so unloved that they could do that. That was the most painful thing I've ever experienced. But I also felt like as his wife,
00:23:35
Speaker
It should have been me and that we carried each other through so many difficult things in our lives. And that it was my responsibility to carry him through that last act and see him through that. When I was
00:24:00
Speaker
told that you found him, I've struggled with that for you with, I just have always thought, how does she go to bed every night? That has to be a nightmare that she wakes up to every night.
00:24:30
Speaker
So I've tried to do a lot of work and there is a treatment through counseling and a treatment that I've gone through to try to help my brain process what I saw
Healing After a Traumatic Loss
00:24:46
Speaker
and to work through that trauma.
00:24:50
Speaker
And it's called EMDR. And I think a lot of survivors of suicide loss that found their loved one or actually witnessed the act itself have utilized that treatment. And it has helped tremendously. I know that that image will never, never go away. But I work hard every day to try to remember
00:25:19
Speaker
Corey's smile and the way that he lived to try to balance that because that's not the way he would want me to remember him. That's not the way I want to remember him. But yeah, that part is hard and traumatic.
00:25:43
Speaker
But I'm not angry. I'm not angry at him. I'm not angry that I found him. There's enough that I have to deal with. And, you know, if I had anger, I don't think I could could deal with it, you know, as well as I have or be there for my children. You know, if I was constantly feeling angry.
00:26:08
Speaker
I think to what you said before this was that it was a beautiful thing to say that you were the one that needed to find him.
00:26:26
Speaker
because you guys were in this together. And I think, and this is me assuming, and we know it happens when you assume, but I think that you would have probably been really super mad if somebody else would have, just because I know that that was a partnership for you two. Absolutely.
00:26:48
Speaker
I would have. It would have bothered me if it had been someone else. Number one, because I wouldn't have wanted someone else to have to go through that. And number two, I had the best understanding, I feel like, of him.
00:27:08
Speaker
And I just got him and we got each other. And like I said, it wasn't one-sided. Corey carried me through
00:27:23
Speaker
difficult times and losses in my life. And as his wife, I needed to do that for him. So yeah, it would have bothered me if it was somebody else.
00:27:39
Speaker
I have some stuff written down that I want to ask you about, but I wanted to back up to you. I wrote down his smile. His smile is what so many of us
00:27:56
Speaker
remember and I don't I'm sure you were told this but when I was at the wake I mean he had a smile on his face and I have never seen that before and for some reason it like brought me peace and I'm I'm just his friend and
00:28:21
Speaker
It also made me, like, in a weird way, think that he was just, like, looking at all of us going, okay, this is it. This is me. I'm smiling. We're good. We're good. Yeah.
00:28:40
Speaker
Yeah, I felt like he kind of had that like smile and I kept thinking he's going to jump up and be like, oh my gosh, yes. I kept thinking that too. And I was like, am I wrong for thinking? No, not at all. That was my immediate thought when I first saw him. It was perfect. Yeah.
00:29:03
Speaker
Yeah, it was perfect. And I explained that to some people. My family, I said, I've never seen that before. And it was perfect. Like he was definitely like, I got you. This is it. I want to stay on the wake and the funeral for just a second. And then I have some other questions. I try to
00:29:29
Speaker
live my life with no regrets. We all have them. But one of my regrets, this is me being selfish and explaining this to you, is not attending his funeral service. And for some reason, the reason I didn't go is I felt like
00:29:51
Speaker
I shouldn't be there. I don't know how to explain that other than because we didn't talk every day or even see each other in years that I didn't deserve to be in that really special moment.
00:30:13
Speaker
Brings me a little bit of comfort is one of our mutual friends Jamie was there and she's we met up either that evening or the next day and she gave me a recap and
00:30:35
Speaker
It was no surprise to hear that you gave the eulogy. At first, everybody's like, oh my gosh, his widow gave the eulogy. But for those that know you, it was no surprise.
00:30:50
Speaker
Before I get into the eulogy, something that Jamie brought up, she said that the priest provided her, and she believes, so many other people in that room with comfort on some of the remarks that he made about Cory. Because, and I am growing my faith as we speak, it is, it is,
00:31:15
Speaker
It's growing and I'm very, very happy and proud of it. But I don't know all of the inner workings of some of the so-called rules, but I do know that there is this... You could probably explain it better to me about if someone takes their own life that maybe they wouldn't go to heaven. Am I getting that right?
00:31:40
Speaker
So, yeah, there are some people that do believe that and even some within the Catholic faith. And so when I was planning Corey's funeral, it was very important to me that that was not going to be part of the message and that there was going to be
00:32:04
Speaker
understanding, there was going to be something positive that could come from that. The priest that said Corey's funeral mass, Corey knew personally, and I've said before, Corey could connect with people like no one I have ever known, so he connected with this priest. They actually boxed together.
00:32:31
Speaker
met together privately. And I mean, if you would know this priest, you would know he's pretty serious. Most people are intimidated by him, but not Corey. So I knew that's who I wanted to say his funeral mass. And I met with him beforehand and we talked a lot about the type of person Corey was and the message
00:32:57
Speaker
that I conveyed. And I knew after talking with him that we were on the same page. And he agreed that mental illness is like any other illness. And it wasn't Corey's fault that he had a mental illness or that
00:33:16
Speaker
it was like any other illness and it should be treated that way. And so he got that. And that was the message that he conveyed. And it was great because he knew Corey personally, so he could speak to the person that he was, and he could also talk about his death and his afterlife. And that gave peace, I think, to me and most of the people that were there.
00:33:42
Speaker
Yeah, Jamie said you could almost when he made that comment about mental illness is just like any other illness. She said you could just kind of see the entire church just this sigh of relief, a collective sigh of relief. And she said it brought her comfort. And then, you know, she talked about you and how you
00:34:07
Speaker
really talked about not being angry and people should not be angry at all. And so that was kind of the next thing that I had wrote down is that I've heard from other people that they can...
00:34:26
Speaker
Suicide is a selfish thing, and how dare that person do that? And how dare that person even think about those things and what they're doing? And at first, I kind of agreed with those things. I'm talking about stuff just in the past. And then I started thinking about my own life, other people's life, and mental illness.
00:34:53
Speaker
is there, and we can't speak for Cory, but there is something in your head that thinks this is truly the best thing for me and my family. And for people to get angry about that, that's confusing to me. And I didn't know if you could talk about that.
00:35:15
Speaker
Yeah, it's obviously something I've thought about a lot in the last several months.
Corey's Mental State and Perceived Burden
00:35:23
Speaker
And there were things that Corey would say to me over the years. He would say, I have a beautiful life. I have a beautiful family, but sometimes I can't feel the joy of that.
00:35:37
Speaker
And we would have conversations and he would say sometimes, I feel like you and the kids will be better off without me. And I would tell him, absolutely not. That's not true. I don't feel that way. And he would say, yeah, you would be sad for a while, but then you guys would move on and you would be okay.
00:36:00
Speaker
And he was not just saying those things for attention. I think he really, at times, believed that. And sadly, in the last moments of his life, I think that he believed that. And I'm not trying to glorify suicide because I don't think it's a glorious thing. But I think that it was his last act of love for our family.
00:36:29
Speaker
Because it was hard for him to look in our eyes when he heard us, me and the kids. And I think he felt those last couple of days that he had heard us and he had disappointed us.
00:36:44
Speaker
Of course, I don't agree with that. But I do think a lot of people who have suicidal ideation or who complete suicide, they have those thoughts. And like you said, how can you call that selfish when they're willing to give up their life because they think someone else will be better off without them?
00:37:09
Speaker
That is something that I have been very interested in because I don't want people to be angry
00:37:22
Speaker
I understand, but we don't know what is going on in their mind. Yes, would I be willing to talk to someone that could say, here is why I'm angry and this is why this isn't right? Yes, I would definitely listen to that point, but I just think
00:37:44
Speaker
We have to remember that we are not living in that person's shoes. And the only thing I can just keep thinking of whenever something like this gets in my head and I think about it is like, that is what that individual needed to do
00:38:07
Speaker
to bring relief. I don't really know. I just, when it's other people throwing stones and casting judgment, it just, it bothers me because you weren't living in their shoes. You don't know what was going on in their head.
00:38:25
Speaker
Yeah. And you know, unfortunately, when, you know, when Corey made that decision, his, his thinking was clouded by, by alcohol. I believe that the medication he started taking a couple of weeks before he died, um, you know, also affected his, his thinking. Um, and, and I understand, you know, I too, I can understand the other perspective. I can understand why.
00:38:52
Speaker
someone could feel angry. And I'm not saying I don't have anger sometimes about my situation or question how I ended up here. But anger at Corey is not going to get me anywhere. And I loved him and I forgive him. And that I think will help me
00:39:19
Speaker
move forward. But I get it. I can understand why survivors are angry because it's hard. You have all of these feelings and questions and it's hard to deal with that. And sometimes you just, you want to be angry at someone or something and you need a release. And so I get it that some people are angry and it's a process I think for some to try to work through that.
00:39:47
Speaker
And I would never judge anyone who is a survivor of suicide loss, who feels anger. And their situation might be different than mine. You know, the person they lost may not have been good to them. And life with that person may have been a living hell. And so, yeah, maybe they have a little bit more justification to be angry.
00:40:09
Speaker
But for me, that wasn't my circumstance. And for me personally, I knew anger would not propel me forward. And that's what I'm trying to do. So let's talk about now resources and where you and your family are because
Suicide Prevention Resources
00:40:33
Speaker
someone's listening right now and saying, I need help or I know someone who needs help. I do know one of the numbers that everybody gives out is the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline and that is 1-800
00:40:48
Speaker
two, seven, three talk, which is eight, two, five, five. I'm going to have that in the show notes at children.com. But I also didn't know if you wanted to talk about some of the resources that you're using for you and obviously the kids.
00:41:03
Speaker
Yeah, there's also a crisis text line. So, you know, some people may feel more comfortable texting rather than talking. So the crisis text line, you text talk to 741741 and you can get in contact with someone via text if you're more comfortable communicating that way.
00:41:23
Speaker
One, one thing that the kids and I did, we worked with an agency called Arise Equine Therapy. And they work with people who have experienced trauma and grief.
00:41:39
Speaker
They also work with veterans with PTSD. So we worked with horses, with a horse specialist and also with a licensed therapist. And that was something we could do together. My kids said, I don't want to sit down and just talk to a counselor.
00:41:58
Speaker
So I knew I needed to figure out something else for them, and that was something that was really helpful for us. We all love animals, and so it gave us that connection. We were moving while we were talking, so that was one thing that was extremely helpful.
00:42:17
Speaker
Jill, I know you're familiar with Annie's Hope, but they're an organization that provides grief support for families. So they do sessions with families with age appropriate for children and then adults, and they do eight week family sessions.
00:42:36
Speaker
They also have lots of other resources, referrals for counseling and literature about grief and different programs throughout the year, so they've been a wonderful resource for us. One thing personally that's been helpful for me, within weeks of losing Corey, I heard about Modern Widows Club of St. Louis. The St. Louis chapter had just started shortly before Corey died, and I started attending those meetings.
00:43:06
Speaker
And that has been a wonderful source of support for me. Wonderful group of women who just get it. They get me. They know what I'm going through. They give practical advice. And you can find them on Facebook, Modern Widows Club, St. Louis Chapter.
00:43:25
Speaker
So they've been wonderful. And then the other thing I wanted to mention is just education.
Educational Programs by NAMI
00:43:32
Speaker
So something I, you know, and I'm a social worker and I feel like I should have known about these programs, but I didn't. But NAMI, the National Alliance for Mental Illness,
00:43:42
Speaker
they offer education for family members, caregivers and loved ones of somebody with a mental illness. So you can learn more about their mental illness, how to interact with them, how to help them. So I think that's a great program and they work with children also.
00:44:01
Speaker
And then the Missouri chapter for the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention also has training modules. And they have one called Talk Saves Lives. And it makes me think about Corey losing that lifeline when his phone died for him.
00:44:20
Speaker
You know, something so simple as just talking to someone really can make a difference and really can save a life.
00:44:32
Speaker
How are your kids doing? You know, they're doing a lot better now. We've had, we've had some ups and downs definitely, and those first couple of months were really, really hard. But I see them acting more like themselves, laughing more, smiling more.
00:44:53
Speaker
wanting to be around family and friends more, my oldest son getting back into sports. They're still typical kids and that's what I want them to be. I don't expect them to act
00:45:11
Speaker
any different. Of course, it would be nice if they would help their mom out a little bit more at home, but they're acting like typical kids and I feel like they've gone through enough and they've lost enough that I don't want to take any part of their childhood away. So I want things to be as normal as possible for them.
00:45:35
Speaker
I don't know if this is the right question to wrap up, but I just, what's next? What's next for Gina? What's next for the Schuster family? What didn't we cover? What do your friends and family need to know? I think people need to know that I'm okay. And it may not always appear that way from the outside.
00:46:05
Speaker
But I don't need to be fixed. I'm grieving. I will continue to grieve for a long time. But I don't need magic words from anyone. There's not something specific I need, except to be allowed to go through this process.
00:46:30
Speaker
And I feel this great sense of advocacy now. Corey wanted to help other people and he did it on a small level and he did it on a larger level, organizing fundraisers and doing different things. So I feel like the best way that I can honor his life is by doing that same thing.
00:46:55
Speaker
I haven't organized a walk in September, if I could mention that here. Yes. On Sunday, September 20th and the walk is going to start at 1 PM and we're going to start at Twin Chimneys Elementary in O'Fallon. If you're interested in joining us, the website is afsp.org.
00:47:20
Speaker
backslash St. Louis. And if you search Corey's crew and Corey is C-O-R-E-Y, you could join my team to walk with us. And money raised for that walk is going to go towards suicide prevention. And I also just want to end with a message of hope. This is absolutely the most difficult thing that I have ever gone through.
00:47:52
Speaker
But I do have hope for my future. I have hope for my children's future. And I know that this will propel me to do bigger and better things. One thing I loved about Corey and I is that we didn't just settle, we pushed each other to be a better version of ourselves. And so I think about that often.
00:48:20
Speaker
that he would want me to rise up from this and be better and help people because of my experience. And that is my hope and that is what I want to do. And I want to try to help someone who might be feeling suicidal to understand that the devastation that this causes and that in that moment they might feel
Overcoming Tragedy with Hope
00:48:46
Speaker
like they have nothing to live for but I want to help them see that they do and I want to prevent another family from experiencing this loss. I want to end with some thoughts that I and I I'm sure you've been told this and I want to just hammer it home when you said that there's
00:49:14
Speaker
nothing anyone can do. There's no magic words just to basically trust you and trust what you're going through. I think for me, and I'm going to speak on behalf of others, but I think one thing that
00:49:32
Speaker
We, as your friends, struggle with this sometimes, those of us that, again, don't talk to you every day or have seen each other except for our class reunions, that there's this weirdness of all of the sudden, here I am, I'm showing up for you. And I hate that it's because of your husband's death, but on the flip side,
00:49:59
Speaker
I think that probably you appreciate that as well and you get it. And so while
00:50:09
Speaker
I know I haven't been in your life on a daily basis like that until recently. I just want you to know that I am always thinking of you guys. And whenever you pop into my head, I'm, we'll send a simple message or send
00:50:32
Speaker
of caring thought. And that's it. It's just that and there's no agenda. There's just people that are praying for you guys and thinking of you all the time. And I hope you know that that that's that's what we're here to do.
00:50:53
Speaker
Yes, I do. And I do want people to know that I think when something tragic like this happens, you don't know what to do. And I felt that way too before this happened to me. And so you may tend to shy away or not say anything or do anything because you don't know if it's going to make a difference or you don't know if it's the right words.
00:51:15
Speaker
and I promise you that the person that is grieving or who has gone through a tragedy, they're not looking for magic words. You can't bring their loved one back and that's what they want. So those little things make a huge difference. A text message, sending a card in the mail, dropping off a meal,
00:51:35
Speaker
Those are the things that help carry a person who is grieving through that most difficult time. So those little things that people did, the way even just our high school class responded to me, I was so touched and I have really truly felt the love and the prayers and they have lifted me and my family up and I am forever grateful for everyone.
00:52:05
Speaker
who has helped us and prayed for us and thought of us. Gina, this conversation is so super special to me. Thank you for sharing it with me and with people that know you and Corey very well and for complete strangers.
00:52:19
Speaker
You're welcome. Thank you, Jill. I'm proud of you, girl. I'm glad to be a part of it. Up next is the Super Mom shout out. But first, I want to tell you about this really cool thing at BlondinRealEstate.com. So this really cool thing is you have the ability to buy or sell a property before it even hits the market. All you do is sign up and you get exclusive access and immediate updates about their coming soon and off market property community.
00:52:48
Speaker
So you are in the know before anyone else doesn't cost you a thing. Just sign up at BlondinRealEstate.com. That's BlondinRealEstate.com new to the podcast.
00:52:59
Speaker
this season.
Gina as a Super Mom Nominee
00:53:00
Speaker
I'm kicking off Super Mom shout outs. And I really started thinking about this because I know how hard it's been for me with this pandemic, trying to run a business and trying to take care of little ones when they're home because they didn't have an opportunity to go to a school because it closed because of the pandemic. And
00:53:21
Speaker
I started thinking about all the other moms out there that maybe just feel like they're not recognized. They're not appreciated. So I wanted people to start nominating that special supermom in their life. Or if you're a supermom, nominate yourself. Well, I am nominating this week's supermom. And after listening to this episode, it should be no surprise that I
00:53:46
Speaker
have nominated Gina as this week's supermom. Before her husband's death, she just put the work in with her three kiddos. I know that she put them first. She's doing everything she can for them right now to help with the loss of their father.
00:54:07
Speaker
I don't know how she does it some days, but she does because that's the type of person Gina is. And so she definitely deserves this week's Super Mom Shoutout, Gina. I see you and I support you. And this is your Super Mom Shoutout. You're an inspiration.
00:54:26
Speaker
So if you would like to nominate someone for the supermom shoutout, all you have to do is email me hello at JillDivine.com. I just need to know her name, where she's from, and a brief description as to why she deserves the supermom shoutout. It's that easy.
00:54:42
Speaker
And lastly, when you have a minute, could you subscribe, rate and review the podcast? So when those things happen, my podcast gets a little bit more noticed. And when we are having very, very tough conversations like the one that we had this week with suicide, it is so important to get that information out there. So I appreciate it in advance. And thank you so much for tuning into Two Kids in a Career and all the support that you are giving it. Thank you.
00:55:12
Speaker
you