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#12: Loving Students Who Don’t Love You Back
40 Plays1 month ago
Episode Show Notes
Loving Students Who Don’t Love You Back
Every NextGen leader knows the sting of pouring into a student who doesn’t respond—or suddenly pulls away. In this episode, Rich Brown unpacks why this hurts so deeply, what might really be going on beneath the surface, and how to navigate the spiritual tension of loving without reciprocity. Drawing from Paul’s words in 2 Corinthians and Jesus’ own experience with rejection, Rich offers practical, emotionally healthy strategies as this episode equips ministry leaders to remain faithful, consistent, and emotionally mature—even when relationships feel one-sided.
Resources Mentioned
• The Bible (Scripture references in order: 2 Corinthians 6:11–13; Luke 13:34; Matthew 23:37; Matthew 11:28–30; Philippians 1:6)
Links
Email for Rich Brown (NGM): rich@nextgenmatters.com
Subscribe for NGM Thursday Tools email
Watch this episode on YouTube
Timestamps
• 0:00–2:12 – Introducing the pain of relational rejection in NextGen ministry
• 2:12–7:02 – Biblical examples of rejection: Paul and Jesus
• 7:02–9:48 – The struggle: why rejection hurts more than we admit
• 9:48–19:22 – The situation: understanding what may be going on beneath the surface
• 19:22–22:14 – When rejection is partly our responsibility: a personal ministry failure
• 22:14–29:56 – The spiritual tension: loving without reciprocity, reflecting the heart of God
• 29:56–35:14 – The strategy: healthy, practical ways to love students who pull away
• 35:14–41:24 – Faithfulness over approval: why your love and consistency still matter
• 41:24–43:07 – Call to action, encouragement, and closing
Recommended
Transcript
Introduction to Next Gen Matters Podcast
00:00:01
NextGen Matters
For those of us who serve in NextGen ministry, here's what we have learned. Spiritually healthy students come from spiritually healthy ministry systems. And these systems only come from spiritually healthy ministry leaders.
00:00:15
NextGen Matters
And that is why NextGen Matters is all about relationally empowering ministry leaders to impact the next generation. Hey friend, this is Rich Brown and welcome to the Next Gen Matters podcast, a show for you, ministry leader, who are seeking to move beyond overwhelm and move into leading with clarity, confidence, and consistency.
Challenges in Connecting with Resistant Students
00:00:36
NextGen Matters
I want you to think right now that one student, that one student that just seems to resist you, to pull away from you, or even straight up be rude to you or mean to you.
00:00:51
NextGen Matters
i mean, come on, you are the coolest children or youth or next gen you know or or young adult ministry leader. How could they just reject you? But it happens. Maybe this is a student that has never responded to you.
00:01:07
NextGen Matters
I mean, there is nothing you can do to win her or or him over. The high five, they look at you like, what's up? You try to fist bump, they stare at you. Hey, how was your week?
00:01:19
NextGen Matters
me I mean, you get nothing back. Yo, what is going on? But what hurts even more is the student that you had a mutual relationship with.
00:01:32
NextGen Matters
Matter of fact, even a very close relationship with. It was very reciprocal. But now they pulled away. And not only does it hurt, depending on the depth of that relationship, you can even feel betrayed.
00:01:49
NextGen Matters
That's what today's conversation is all about. It is not a moan session. It is not a gripe session, but it's truly a session as we look into this area of facing head on the reality of there are times we will be loving students who do not love us back.
Biblical Examples of Rejection in Ministry
00:02:11
NextGen Matters
Next Gen Ministries are built on relationships. It's not a job where we just hide behind a desk or stay in the office or just tuck ourselves away inside of our title.
00:02:22
NextGen Matters
We're out there with people. We love the children, the students, the young adults we serve. We give our hearts to them. We give our time to them. We give our energy to them.
00:02:33
NextGen Matters
So when a student doesn't respond, it stinks. And here's the part that we really don't say out loud. Sometimes that rejection can feel very personal.
00:02:49
NextGen Matters
Sometimes it feels even like failure. is Sometimes you can feel like, what am I doing wrong? Or what's wrong with me?
00:03:02
NextGen Matters
Well, in this episode, Not only do I see it as one that each, this this topic is one that each one of us resonate with, rejection in ministry.
00:03:13
NextGen Matters
I'm going to say we're in good company. The Apostle Paul went through rejection in ministry. And even our Lord Jesus Christ went through rejection in his ministry.
00:03:27
NextGen Matters
So how do we best deal with it? Well, during this episode, I wanna unpack four key areas for us to consider. The first is the struggle, why this hurts more than we admit.
00:03:38
NextGen Matters
Followed with the situation, understanding what's really going on. Then the spiritual tension, loving without reciprocity. And then the strategy, healthy ways to love students who pull away.
00:03:54
NextGen Matters
You see, my hope is that by the end of this episode, you will lean into healthy responses and have a biblical mindset to deal with ministry rejection.
00:04:09
NextGen Matters
Before we jump into the content, my attention draws to 2 Corinthians 6. This, of course, is the Apostle Paul. To understand 2 Corinthians, we have to take a step back into 1 Corinthians.
00:04:24
NextGen Matters
Paul shares multiple topics with these people because they'll say that phrase now concerning, you know, whether it was spiritual gifts, now concerning marriage, now concerning even lawsuits, now concerning the Lord's Supper. He deals with a lot of issues, and one of them was a very hard issue, and that was on sexual immorality going on in the church. And instead of dealing with the people actually applauded it and laughed at it.
00:04:50
NextGen Matters
and would not call out the sin that was going on in the church. Paul had to drop the hammer. he had to come down hard.
00:04:58
NextGen Matters
And it didn't really go over well. We don't know exactly what happened between these two letters, but we do know that the allegiance allegiance of these people to their spiritual mentor, their spiritual father, Paul, the one who helped start this church in Corinth, has now moved from Paul to these other leaders who Paul even even refers to in 2 Corinthians false apostles, false teachers.
00:05:27
NextGen Matters
They had wooed the crowd away from Paul, and they attracted themselves from these people to to themselves.
00:05:36
NextGen Matters
They were saying Paul was a fake. They were saying Paul was in it for the money, which is interesting because he didn't even take a paycheck from these people. And they are very affluent city and a very affluent people.
00:05:47
NextGen Matters
But he felt the sense of rejection. I want I want to read to you a few verses out of Second Corinthians six. Verses 11, 12, and 13. Hear the heart, the emotion of the Apostle Paul.
00:06:00
NextGen Matters
We have spoken freely to you, Corinthians, and open wide our hearts to you. We are not withholding our affection from you, but you are withholding yours from us.
00:06:17
NextGen Matters
As a fair exchange, I speak to you as my children, Open wide your hearts also.
00:06:27
NextGen Matters
Wow. That's Paul. He's saying, I love y'all and you're not loving me back. And it hurts. Open wide your hearts also. I speak to you as my children. He had led them to faith in Christ.
00:06:42
NextGen Matters
Yeah. So Paul knew what it was like to face rejection from people he loved. And yet his response was to still love them back.
Personal Impact of Rejection in Ministry
00:06:54
NextGen Matters
Now, the first of our four areas, the struggle. Why this hurts more than we admit. have a few thoughts on this.
00:07:04
NextGen Matters
First of all, because next-gen ministry is relational to its core, so can rejection feel very personal even when it isn't personal.
00:07:17
NextGen Matters
Because what we do is highly relational to the core, so because of that, the rejection can feel very personal. Another thought, we as next-gen leaders often carry a, air quotes, calling pressure,
00:07:33
NextGen Matters
You know, the belief that if a student pulls away from us, it's because we failed. Because if I'm called, therefore I'll be successful. I don't know where that came from, but we do take our calling seriously. I did that in one of our first episodes on why your calling matters.
00:07:51
NextGen Matters
And if you haven't listened to that, I'd say, go back and listen to that that episode. So we take our calling seriously. And because we take our calling seriously, sometimes we have this belief that if a student pulls away from us, it means we failed.
00:08:07
NextGen Matters
Third area I wanted you to look at is this, the emotional dissonance. See, what happens is we used to, if for many of these students, play like catch, like with a football. If you're watching on YouTube, yes, I got my Hawks jersey on, my Seahawks cap on because it is the week of the Super Bowl. And yes, I'm a Vikings fan, but Hawks are my two team. Come on, i lived in Seattle for 10 years, all right? So yeah, they're my two team, all right? So here we go. Go Hawks.
00:08:33
NextGen Matters
Now, It's like when you're playing back and forth with the quarterback, two quarterbacks on the sidelines, you know, when they're not playing, they're on the sidelines of both quarterbacks. The one and two quarterbacks have thrown the ball to each other.
00:08:44
NextGen Matters
In baseball, you're going back and forth. You're playing catch with each other. And it's like we used to play catch emotionally and relationally with a student. Now they don't throw the ball back. There's no more dissonance. It's now, it's now like, it's, it's, it's it's just blown up.
00:08:59
NextGen Matters
It's just, it's just come apart. And we're pouring out all love, just like the Apostle Paul said, and they're not pouring it back. That's what can happen.
00:09:10
NextGen Matters
That's the struggle. You know, there's a phrase that i began using a number of years ago, and it goes like this. The hurt is deep when the love is deep.
00:09:21
NextGen Matters
The hurt is deep when the love is deep.
00:09:26
NextGen Matters
I can make that into a country song. Anyway, so that's what I want you to see. The struggle, the struggle is real. All right. Second area is the situation.
Reasons Students Withdraw
00:09:37
NextGen Matters
Understanding what's really going on. Now, we don't know exactly many times what's going on in the heart and soul of a teenager, of a child, especially of a young adult.
00:09:50
NextGen Matters
But some of these areas I'm going to mention, I think a lot of it has to do with these six key areas. There are six areas that I believe not help but i mean contribute to this sense of resistance or disconnection to us.
00:10:07
NextGen Matters
They're rejecting us. And here's the first one. You may not realize it. but there's something going on at home. So the first one is family instability. You know, if there's something going off at home, something's going wrong at home, obviously that's going to carry into the church world with them.
00:10:28
NextGen Matters
Just like if a marriage is blowing up, that will go into the job. It will begin to affect performance in a job because we're humans. So if there's something going wrong sideways or even de destructing destroying itself within the home and it's being destructive in the home, that's obviously affecting that student.
00:10:51
NextGen Matters
And they may be blowing you off, but you may not know it, but something may be blowing up at home. Here's a second reason they may be resisting. There is this phrase called church hurt, and we can all go back and forth on you know what that looks like, and but it's real.
00:11:10
NextGen Matters
People have been hurt in church, sometimes perceived and sometimes very legitimately, very legitimate that that has truly happened.
00:11:20
NextGen Matters
So that student, maybe they're coming from a different church into your church, and somebody in that church, a leader, hurt them very, very much, very deep. And they look at you in leadership and they automatically, you're guilty by association.
00:11:37
NextGen Matters
I know that happened with me as a youth pastor, stepping in as a new youth pastor, when there was already a really ugly situation before me. And now because I was the leader by default, I could have been catching some of the flack.
00:11:53
NextGen Matters
So that may be a reason. Doesn't necessarily say it is a reason, but it may be a reason why they're pulling away. And by the way, as I'm going through these, you're probably going to be in your mind seeing faces.
00:12:05
NextGen Matters
You may resonate with some of these with your own students. Reason number three to me really relates to number two, and that is trust issues. There's trust issues going on.
00:12:16
NextGen Matters
There may be a reason they don't trust you because maybe they don't trust their parents. For some reason, maybe an adult has burned them. Therefore, they don't trust adults. Again, guilty by association.
00:12:30
NextGen Matters
And as a man, unfortunately, and I'm not hearing man bashing at all, But as a man, i have to understand, and I do, that there are many men who have hurt children and youth.
00:12:45
NextGen Matters
Whether it's a dad who doesn't show up, and he left that that wife of his, and he left his the mother of his children, and he bounced, and he's promised to be here and do this, but he doesn't come through.
00:13:01
NextGen Matters
Or maybe it's a child, now a teenager that has watched their mom just recycle through all kinds of boyfriends, trying to find her own sense of worth and love and value through other men, just like the woman at the well story.
00:13:15
NextGen Matters
And these and this is a this is guys this is a story of so many of our children and youth. They're growing up with mom constantly recycling male relationships and and sometimes even bringing them into their house.
00:13:28
NextGen Matters
And God only knows what really takes place there. my My point is not to go down that road too much. There could be a lot of trust issues. So when they see me as a man, I represent someone in their life who's hurt them.
00:13:44
NextGen Matters
I'm just saying that could be another area, which is very, it's getting a lot of conversation today and it should be, and that is mental health struggles. Your student may be going through something internally, mentally, that's that's really really difficult right now.
00:14:01
NextGen Matters
And they may pull be pulling away. Deep insecurities. They may be dealing with deep insecurities. I i think of some students in the ministry where I volunteer.
00:14:16
NextGen Matters
And saw it again this week. Just always looking down, always looking down, always looking down. But even... But even tonight, I'm recording this late because we had some issues, technical issues with with the podcast. so I'm shooting this for the third time.
00:14:30
NextGen Matters
And I just got back from youth ministry tonight and I'm looking at the young lady in my mind I'm thinking of right now. I looked at her, called her by her name. Won't say her name, obviously. Called her by her name. She looked up and gave her the high five. She she she responds.
00:14:45
NextGen Matters
That's because I have to reach out first, but at least she does respond. But there's others I know that because of deep insecurities, they won't even look up. You know I'm talking about? You've got faces in your mind right now.
00:14:56
NextGen Matters
Deep insecurities. Number six, feeling unworthy of love. I am so thankful that My parents, my family one, I'm referring back to what Janet and I talked about in last the last episode, family one, family of origin, family two, the family I choose, my wife, my children.
00:15:17
NextGen Matters
My family one, my mom and dad created a very strong and healthy, loving and caring culture in our home. I never once felt unloved or unworthy of love.
00:15:31
NextGen Matters
And that should be normal. But unfortunately, what I just described is not normal. It's not the normative.
00:15:40
NextGen Matters
Unfortunately, a lot of the students that we minister to feel unworthy of love. Those are the six reasons or the six, let's say, contributing factors to why they may be pulling away. But there's one i have in my back pocket I've not yet pulled out. And here it is.
00:16:00
NextGen Matters
This one is probably the elephant in the room.
Addressing Mistakes with Students
00:16:05
NextGen Matters
One reason they pull away, spiritual rebellion.
00:16:11
NextGen Matters
You know, they may come into your ministry and they're new to you. You're new to them. And you're speaking biblical truth. And you can do it with the most gracious and kind heart you have as you're speaking the truth in love. You're not accusing. You're not slamming. You just present biblical truth.
00:16:30
NextGen Matters
but because they are they they, the unsafe student who's coming into our midst, they have been captured by the culture and they're hearing you speak about biblical truth and it it just puts this wall up to them and they react against you.
00:16:45
NextGen Matters
Spiritual rebellion against God. They are fighting against God. But then you also have the students who, whom you know are born again. they've They've acknowledged Christ as Lord in their hearts, and you've heard them speak of the the good things of God, and you've seen evidence of the Holy Spirit in their life, but right now they've just hit the wall. They are spiritually struggling, and they begin to fall away. How many times in ministry did I see that?
00:17:13
NextGen Matters
And you could tell right away, as a shepherd, you know your sheep. Come on, that's John 10. As a shepherd, you know your sheep, and you can tell when they're struggling. And they're rebelling against God. they're They're fighting against God. They're saved, but they're fighting against God just like you and I can do.
00:17:30
NextGen Matters
Okay. So different times I remember I would walk up to a student. Again, this is where I have the collateral, the the social and relational collateral where i can I can do this because I've earned it. you know We've had a good relationship. And I'd say, you know I'll use a stage name here. you know So Jeff, what's going on? I mean, how you doing, man? No, I'm okay. Okay.
00:17:48
NextGen Matters
And I would say this a lot with our students. Again, the close the ones I'm closer with, I say, how are you really doing? Now, you know, I'm all right. I say, hey, and this is with a smile, and I mean this.
00:18:02
NextGen Matters
How are you and Jesus doing? That's how I would frame it. How are you and Jesus doing? And it was interesting because I would typically get an honest response like this.
00:18:15
NextGen Matters
Hey, man, not good. Well, what's going on? And they would actually begin to open up.
00:18:23
NextGen Matters
Acknowledging it, myself to them and them to me, just by creating it in a caring way, it did seem to resonate. It didn't mean everything cleaned up, but at least it was a movement in the right direction.
00:18:37
NextGen Matters
So here's what I'm saying. The resistance toward us is it rarely about us. It's usually internal in their own world. And yet,
00:18:49
NextGen Matters
I do have a confession to make, and I sincerely mean this. Sometimes it is because of me. Sometimes it's things that you or I do that causes them to pull away.
00:19:03
NextGen Matters
And I will be very, very, very humbly honest when I share this. I can think back to well over, gosh, maybe 25, 30 years ago
00:19:19
NextGen Matters
in a church where I was serving, and I won't use the student's name. i'll I'll call him Brad. He was a senior. And we had a a night to honor our seniors. And we gave different gifts to them that kind of resonated with something that they would enjoy doing.
00:19:38
NextGen Matters
And he didn't show up that night. And we still had the gift for him. And I thought I'd go late night comedian and make it funny. you know, do a little crack, a wise crack about him. He wasn't even there.
00:19:51
NextGen Matters
So I had the gift for him. He wasn't there. And it made a, again, I'm going to say kind of like a a late night comedian joke. I wasn't, it wasn't PG 13 or like that or worse. It wasn't, I always kept it clean, but, but I'm just saying I took a shot, you know, in humor, using humor, I took a shot and I didn't think much about it I think it was the next day I began thinking through what I said. go, that probably wasn't the smartest thing to say.
00:20:18
NextGen Matters
Well, of course, I got back to him within the next day or two. And within the week, one of the students came to me and let me know that he heard about what I said, and that hurt him very much.
00:20:32
NextGen Matters
And he's not coming back anymore.
00:20:35
NextGen Matters
That was one of the stupidest things i think I ever did in ministry. trying to make cheap points by being funny. And I hurt someone.
00:20:46
NextGen Matters
But what's even worse is I never left the 99 to go find the one.
00:20:54
NextGen Matters
I was so embarrassed that I wouldn't own up to it. And in my mind, I just let it go. And I didn't see him again.
00:21:05
NextGen Matters
That was on me.
00:21:07
NextGen Matters
And I did learn my lesson from that point on. I do not think I ever took a shot at somebody like that, you know, a verbal ha-ha, especially from the front.
00:21:21
NextGen Matters
Still made mistakes. None of us bat a thousand in ministry. And I certainly didn't. So yeah, that one, that was on me. And I failed. number one, by doing it, but I more deeply failed because I didn't go search out, the you know leave the 99 and go find the one, if you know what I'm saying. I didn't go search him out and regain my brother.
00:21:42
NextGen Matters
I just blew it off. And that was even worse than my first mistake. So, ouch, right?
Loving Without Reciprocity
00:21:50
NextGen Matters
The third area I'm looking into is the spiritual tension, where we are loving others without feeling it back.
00:22:00
NextGen Matters
Reciprocity is the big word. Where we're reaching out, we're playing catch, we're throwing them the ball, and they don't throw the ball back. What's up with that?
00:22:11
NextGen Matters
Well, ministry. Ministry often mirrors the heart of God, right? I mean, it needs to, better be. Think about this. The Lord, from the very beginning of the book of Genesis, these people seem to run away. I'm talking about Adam and Eve, yo, from the beginning, right through Genesis.
00:22:29
NextGen Matters
Say God tells them do this, they do that. you know Right now, I'm actually reading in my chronological, I'm i'm i'm tracking with this 40-year journey of 2 million plus grumbling Jews, you know God's people who are wandering and resisting and rejecting Jehovah,
00:22:48
NextGen Matters
I mean, cloud by day and a fire by night, and they keep complaining and groaning and moaning. And, oh, man, you know, I've seen that they keep rejecting God, but then they need him when they need something. They, they hey, God, we're here, you know, help us out, right?
00:23:02
NextGen Matters
yeah Then they have the Joshua generation. They seem to be cool, but they were told to pass it on to the next generation by the time you get the judges too. They failed at that. They dropped that generational ball. They did not pass the faith on to the next generation because that generation, judges says, did not know God nor the things that God had done. Then the book of Judges just cycle after cycle after cycle of the people of God rejecting God and and and doing their own thing.
00:23:29
NextGen Matters
And then by time you get into 1 Samuel, the people are begging Samuel, give us a king like the other nations. And God even tells Samuel, they have rejected me.
00:23:38
NextGen Matters
So they get their kings, and how did that go for them? Those kings then rejected God, and the people continue to reject God. The kingdom splits in half. Ten northern tribes, two southern tribes. Those people constantly are rejecting God. By the time we get to the New Testament, God with us, Emmanuel, Jesus is now on the scene. The incarnate Christ, the son of the living God, ministering to people who keep walking away from him, who misunderstand him, or who never even respond yes to him.
00:24:13
NextGen Matters
I mean, God is getting blown off. God is getting rejected. The Lord Jesus is getting blown off. Jesus is getting rejected. I think of this passage in the Gospel of Luke and the Gospel of Matthew.
00:24:27
NextGen Matters
And while the verses read the same, they're not the same account. you know Sometimes in the synoptics, you know you have you know one event that's said three times, Matthew, Mark, and Luke. Even John will report some of the same things the other three said.
00:24:42
NextGen Matters
But in this verse, I'm going to read from Luke 13 and verse 34. This is the first time Jesus says this this phrase or this line, or I'll say this verse.
00:24:55
NextGen Matters
He says it again later. Let me read this to you. This he's saying,
00:25:02
NextGen Matters
And he's saying this about 20 some miles northeast of Jerusalem. All right. He's saying this outside in the hills, outside of the outside of the Dead Sea, other side of the Jordan River in Perea.
00:25:15
NextGen Matters
And he says to the Pharisees, Oh, Jerusalem, Jerusalem, you who sent, you pardon me you who killed the prophets and stone those who sent you, how often I have longed to gather Israel.
00:25:27
NextGen Matters
your children together as a hen gathers her chicks under her wings, but you were not willing. So Jesus says that in Perea, like I said, about 25, 30 miles northeast of Jerusalem.
00:25:42
NextGen Matters
This is a few months from the arrest and crucifixion. He says the very same thing in the Gospel of Matthew in chapter 23, but this time,
00:25:54
NextGen Matters
This is on a Tuesday. This is the Tuesday before the crucifixion, the Tuesday of the Passion Week. Oh, Jerusalem, Jerusalem, you who killed the prophets and stoned those who were sent to you. How often I have longed to gather your children together as a hen gathers her chicks under her wings, but you were not willing. Two different times, two different locations, two different audiences, one message. And I'm going to, I'm going to say that because I'm going to bring this up in a moment of why did he say this twice?
00:26:25
NextGen Matters
But let's listen to what he did say. Here he is, the Messiah, God incarnate. Come to redeem and to rescue us as he longs to gather these people. almost my My mind also goes to Matthew 11, where he says, come unto me, all of you who are weary and heavy hearted, I will give you rest.
00:26:46
NextGen Matters
Call to salvation and call to discipleship. I will give you rest. And he says, take my yoke upon you and learn from me. Be justified and be sanctified. Come on, become my disciples.
00:26:58
NextGen Matters
Come to me, he says in Matthew 11. And then later on, he's saying this phrase, Jerusalem, Jerusalem. as As a mother hen would long to gather her chicks. In other words, when the firestorm is beginning to happen, I want to gather for protection.
00:27:16
NextGen Matters
want to gather you for protection and provision. And instead of gathering with the mother hen, the little baby chicks run away.
00:27:27
NextGen Matters
They scattered. And that's what he's saying. People, I have come to bring you life. The enemy has come to steal, kill, and destroy. I have come to bring you life. I've come to bring you in. And they bounce.
00:27:40
NextGen Matters
That's the rejection Jesus went through. And the reason I said that he said this on two different occasions is because this is his heart.
00:27:51
NextGen Matters
He longs for for God's people, the people of Israel, his chosen people. He longs for them to come to him, but they weren't willing, he says. Another lesson out of this, Jesus doesn't force himself on them.
00:28:08
NextGen Matters
Jesus doesn't force himself on these people. He invites them. He's passionate in that invitation. i long to gather you for protection and for for provision, but they didn't want him.
00:28:22
NextGen Matters
So you see the heart of God in the Old Testament. you Specifically, we see the heart of God through Jesus in the New Testament. See, the call that we have in our relationship to the ones we serve isn't to be liked.
00:28:38
NextGen Matters
The call is to be faithful. I mean, we could look at God, Father God, through the Old Testament and even the Lord Jesus, specifically in the New Testament, and think, oh, they they failed as a leader because the people didn't the people weren't wowed by them, the people didn't run to them.
00:28:55
NextGen Matters
I would never think that God was, he failed as a leader. Of course not. Jesus did not fail as a leader. of course not.
00:29:05
NextGen Matters
In other words, folks, we're going to have people just like the Father and just like the Son that don't buy in. So think about that. You're not failing when a student does not respond.
00:29:20
NextGen Matters
You're not failing. You're called to be faithful, right? And matter of fact, even think of this, think about this. When they're rejecting you and you still just keep loving on them the way Jesus loves on you and i you and I, we are embodying Christ-like love in one of its purest forms, right?
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To love unconditionally, to love agapeo, to love in that covenant love. I love you, not transactionally. I love you regardless.
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We're showing them the love of Christ. Oh man, this is awesome.
Strategies for Engaging Withdrawn Students
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then the strategy. There are various healthy ways to love students who do pull away, whether they pull away from us or from God or from but from both.
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Some practical guidelines, here they are. Be respectful. Respect their boundaries. Here's a phrase. Don't try, air quotes, too hard. You know, when you try so hard, you're actually getting in their space.
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Just take what they give you. Respect their boundaries. If they pull away from you, even physically speaking, as you're talking, they pull away. You don't need to chase them down. Just be gracious.
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Hey, well, hey, good to see you again. Second is be emotionally mature. To use the phrase, remember, you're the adult. okay Be emotionally mature. Avoid being passive aggressive with our language or our body language.
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And obviously avoid being hostile. You know, don't do what I did years ago, being smirky and snarky with my my mouth. Be emotionally mature.
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Third is to stay consistent. Stay consistent. Stay, say rich, stay consistent. These small, steady gifts of being of of touch points, they matter.
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Just that those beautiful drippings of grace matter. as that word is, Paul says in Ephesians, to be words fitly spoken, they're just like seasoned with salt. You just know exactly when to place them and you're just consistent.
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The small, steady touch points of grace. Fourth is to avoid taking it personally. We've already alluded to this, even said it, but to say it again, avoid taking it personally.
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I know it's easier or said than done, but it is essential. And also celebrate the small wins. You know, you may get that fist bump back or they actually may initiate it or they may even look at you and say, hey, or they'll smile and you haven't received that before from them.
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Celebrate that small win. Thank the Lord right there. Thank you, Father. That was a gift. I appreciate that. When you're praying for them, pray with open hands. And here's what I mean.
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You love them deeply. Pray for them fervently, but release the outcome to Father God. Love them deeply, pray for them fervently, but release the outcome to God.
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So pray with open hands. Next area I'd say is lean on your team. and And this is what I mean. If you're a volunteer, lean on one another. If you're on staff and you're leading the team, lean into your team as well.
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And here's what I mean. Ask them, ask your team. Do they see this like resistance from a student toward you? and And I'm saying this carefully and cautiously.
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I'm not saying it to gossip, and I'm not saying it to draw sides one to another. I am saying it may be wise to mention this to another leader because, yes, I have seen it.
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And here's what I'm saying. Maybe it is just toward you. And then ask your your friend, your your colleague, your peer an honest question. Is this something I'm doing? Maybe I'm doing something I'm not even seeing. or maybe i'm Maybe I am doing something where I can improve.
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And that's a good, healthy question to ask a peer. So lean into your team. Or maybe even they know more about the situation that than you do, and they can give you more of a greater context, like the things we just talked about earlier.
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And you go, oh, I didn't know their mom and dad are having difficult times. Wow, that makes sense. You see, so lean into your team. And the last thought here in strategy is realistic expectation.
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Every student may not connect with you. I know, I've already said, you're the coolest children's leader ever. I know you're the coolest rock star youth worker ever. i You know what I'm saying, right? But honestly, every student may not connect with you.
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So it's okay. You may not bat a thousand with everybody. Here's some things, some thoughts on what not to do, what not to do. The don'ts, right? Here's three don'ts I got, three bullet points to say don't.
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Don't chase in a way that feels like pressure. No, come back. I need to talk to you more. You know, right? Okay. Don't chase in a way that makes them feel like pressure. I've already said respect their boundaries.
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Don't guilt them or emotionally manipulate them. They've already got parents like that, unfortunately. Hopefully not, but, you know, so don't guilt trip them or emotionally manipulate them. And then don't, don't, don't let one student's distance away.
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Drain your passion for the other students. I know, man, we always see that one student. I had it in youth ministry. I had in the classroom teaching all those years. There's always that one that for whatever reason, i just can't win them over with my charm. You know, you think what's wrong with me?
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And you you have to realize, you know what? I'm not batting a thousand because I'm not going to bat a thousand with everybody. And that's okay. I've got a lot of people that are leaning in and I can give them even more of myself because they're leaning in and they're playing catch back and forth.
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I'm not suggesting you blow them off, but I'm saying don't let that one distract you from what God is doing in the lives of other students. So as we wrap this up, let's revisit what we've covered.
Focus on Faithfulness, Not Responses
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The struggle, why this hurts more than we admit. We've looked into the situation, understanding what's really going on. We've seen the spiritual tension where they're loving, we're loving them, but they're not loving us back. And a lot of times it comes down to a spiritual issue that's going on in their hearts.
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And then the strategy, those healthy ways to love students who do pull away. Some things to think about. Here's one. Your maturity and your consistency will continue to radiate the unconditional love that God has for us.
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When I am mature and I'm consistent and I'm continually pouring out the love of the Lord God to a student who is not giving it back to me, i am showing them the unconditional love of God.
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Also remember, remember us. Even as we were the enemies of God, Christ died for us. And that's the kind of love we need to have.
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In the middle of us being rebels, in the middle of us being children of wrath, Christ died for us. That's his love for us.
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It's not based on condition. It's not transactional. I'll like you if you like me. He lavished, the Father lavished his love upon us. He gave us Christ even while we were still sinners.
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And then, just like the Lord is completing the work he has started it in us, I'm thinking of Philippians 1.6,
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he will also complete the work he has started in them. If they are his follower, if they're the child of God, if they're a disciple of Jesus, the spirit of God will complete the work he started in them, just like he's doing in us.
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So as I think about this, as we wrap this up, why, why does your relational consistency matter? First of all, you are planting seeds that you may never see grow. And I've mentioned this in other episodes, but just as a constant reminder, we are planting seeds we may never see grow.
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Also, your consistency is forming a safe place that they may return to years later. Here's what I mean. They may leave your church. They may leave your church for years.
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They even move out of town. And then, like a Hallmark movie, they come back to the hometown and they live and they step back into that church and you're gone. But they're going walk in and see those same walls. And, you know, some churches have that same smell, if you know what I'm talking about. and they they this these memories flood back in. And if you were consistent, your consistency is forming a safe place for them to return to years later.
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Another thing to think about. Your love is not wasted. Even if it feels invisible to them right now, and their love back to you feels invisible, it's not being wasted.
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And their story is not finished. Their story's not finished. Come on. This is just the beginning of their lives. How many students that I have known who were fighting against God later came into genuine humbleness and and and repentance and became just deep followers of Christ?
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NextGen Matters
The story's not done when they're were middle school or high school. Certainly not done when they're in children's ministry. So what we've talked about today isn't theory. It's truth.
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It's proven in Scripture. it's We've seen it in ministry, and we've also seen it in the character and nature of God himself. Your calling is not validated by how students respond to you.
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It's validated by the God who called you. Get this, you ready? Your love is not wasted, your consistency is not unnoticed, and your faithfulness is not in vain.
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The same God who is patiently completing his work in you is fully capable of completing his work in the students that you serve. Their distance does not diminish your impact, and their silence does not erase your seed planting.
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You are living out the gospel in real time, loving even when it's not returned. And that is the clearest proof that Christ is at work in you and through you.
Closing Thoughts and Call to Action
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Here's our call to action. I want you to identify one student, you know, the student you've been thinking about throughout this podcast. And as you've listened to this or you've been watching it on YouTube, that one or more student that you've just had in your mind, and I want you to stop and pray for them.
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And not pray that they'll like you or they'll get things right with you, okay? Pray this. Pray that whatever is going on in their life will be met in God.
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Whatever is going on in their life will be met in God. And then pray that the Spirit of God will give you wisdom how to best respond to them.
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Love it. I love this content. I love this story because it's been so much a part of my life then and even now. And I've been listening to myself as I'm talking through this because I need to hear this as well.
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Hey, thanks for joining me today. The Next Gen Matters podcast. Remember, if today has ministered to you, email me at richandnextgenmatters.com. I was getting texts this last week. I'm like, man, I love this. I'm like, thank you, dude. Thank you, Evan, for listening to that and then sharing that with me.
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NextGen Matters
I'd love to hear from you. Also, leave a comment in the podcast box below and send even this podcast to a friend. And if you're not yet subscribed, please do. Don't miss an episode.
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NextGen Matters
And also be so kind to leave a review. And if you're not subscribed to our Next Gen Matters weekly email, Thursday Tools goes out every Thursday. Do so. The link is also in the show notes.
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Thanks for joining me today on the Next Gen Matters podcast. And until next time, your leadership matters because your ministry matters because the gospel matters. Take care and God bless.