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Sex, Shame & Disconnection with Dr. Tiffany Stanley
25 Plays1 day ago
Why do so many people struggle to feel connected even when they’re in a relationship? In this powerful conversation, Bruce Anthony sits down with Dr. Tiffany Stanley to unpack the truth about intimacy, desire, shame, trauma, and the silence that keeps so many couples emotionally and physically disconnected. Together, they explore how childhood messages, cultural conditioning, gender expectations, anxiety, and unspoken needs can shape the way people experience closeness, vulnerability, and sexual connection.
Dr. Stanley explains why desire is not something that simply stays the same over time, why safety and emotional presence matter more than performance, and how couples often drift apart when assumptions replace curiosity. The conversation also dives into mismatched desire, boundaries, honest sexual communication, the way trauma quietly impacts relationships, and why many people wrongly believe something is broken inside them when what they really need is understanding, reflection, and support.
This episode is for anyone trying to make sense of modern relationships, reconnect with themselves, or build deeper intimacy with a partner. #Intimacy #Relationships #Desire #EmotionalIntimacy #SexAndShame #RelationshipAdvice #Therapy #TraumaHealing #communication #DrTiffanyStanley #unsolicitedperspectives
Chapters:
00:00:00 WHY INTIMACY FEELS HARD… 💔🧠😮💨
00:02:13 — Why Intimacy Feels So Hard for So Many People Today 🧠💔🗣️
00:05:30 — How Moving Constantly Shapes Bonding and Connection 🧳💞🧠
00:08:50 — Sibling Bonds, Emotional Safety, and Letting Others In 👨👩👧👦🛡️❤️
00:12:10 — Why Tiffany Built a Career Around Intimacy Work 🛋️📚🔥
00:13:46 — Why Sex, Shame, and the Body Must Be Understood Together 🧠🔥❤️
00:16:41 — The Silence Around Sex Creates Shame and Confusion 🤐💔🧠
00:20:46 — Curiosity Beats Assumptions in Disconnected Relationships 🧐💞🗣️
00:22:45 — When Desire Drops and You Think Something Is Wrong 😔🫀❓
00:26:15 — Performance Versus Presence in Long-Term Relationships 🎭❤️🔥🧠
00:30:33 — Why Desire Changes and Couples Must Keep Talking 🔄💬❤️
00:33:26 — Slow Trauma Quietly Damages Trust and Vulnerability 💔🕰️🛑
00:35:55 — Mismatched Desire, Effort, and Feeling Chosen Again 💡💞🔥
00:39:31 — Boundaries, Hard Requests, and Honest Sexual Talks 🚧🗣️❤️
00:43:11 — How Old Narratives Still Shape Women’s Intimacy Today 👩🏽⚕️🧠✨
00:48:51 — When Therapy Is the First Real Step Toward Healing 🛋️💬🛠️
00:52:20 — Asexuality Versus Situational Loss of Desire ⚖️🫀🧠
00:58:57 — Real Intimacy Grows Through Effort, Honesty, and Care 🎯❤️🌱
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Transcript
Introduction to 'Unsolicited Perspectives'
00:00:00
Speaker
What if the real barrier to intimacy isn't your partner, but what you were taught to believe about yourself? We gonna get into it. Let's get it.
00:00:20
Speaker
Welcome. First of all, welcome. This is Unsolicited Perspectives. I am your host, Bruce Anthony, here to lead the conversation in important events and topics that are shaping today's society. stay Join the conversation and follow us wherever you get your audio podcasts. Subscribe to our YouTube channel for our video podcasts, YouTube exclusive of content, and our YouTube membership.
00:00:39
Speaker
Rate, review, like, comment, share. Share with your friends, share with your family, hell, even share with your enemies.
Meet Dr. Tiffany Stanley
00:00:47
Speaker
On today's episode, I'll be interviewing Dr. Tiffany Stanley, and we're going to be talking about intimacy.
00:00:56
Speaker
But that's enough of the intro. Let's get to the show.
00:01:06
Speaker
You know, there are certain conversations people want to have, but they don't always know where to start them. Conversations about intimacy, about desire, about connection, about the things that we were taught to keep quiet, even in our own relationships.
00:01:21
Speaker
But today, we're going to go there. My guest today is Dr. Tiffany Stanley, a psychotherapist, clinical sexologist, and relationship expert with more than two decades of experience helping individuals and couples navigate emotional well-being,
00:01:36
Speaker
identity, and intimacy. Her work focuses on helping people move out of shame, confusion, and disconnection, and into deeper understanding of themselves and how they show up in relationships.
00:01:50
Speaker
We're gonna talk about why so many people struggle to feel connected to their partners, and sometimes even to themselves. We're gonna get into the realities of long-term relationships, how life changes can reshape intimacy, and why honest communication is often harder than we think.
00:02:06
Speaker
We'll also touch on the cultural messages many of us grew up with, especially around sexuality and how these beliefs continue to shape the way we love, trust, and relate to one another.
00:02:21
Speaker
This is one of those conversations that can make you reflect on your own experiences, past relationships, current dynamics, and even relationship with yourself. So sit back, lean in, and get ready to learn.
00:02:33
Speaker
Without further ado, Dr. Tiffany Stanley. As I said at the top, I'm here with Dr.
Dr. Stanley's Influences on Intimacy
00:02:39
Speaker
Tiffany Stanley. We're talking about intimacy, relationships, all the stuff that's not supposed to be taboo.
00:02:47
Speaker
But it is a little bit. But I'm really excited to have Dr. Stanley on because I know from my personal life, maybe not directly my personal life, but the people in my orbit, that intimacy and relationships is a big deal.
00:03:02
Speaker
deal. And I feel like when people listen and watch this, they're going to learn so much. So Dr. Stanley, thank you so much for coming on the show. I'm looking forward to this conversation. I'm looking forward to learning. I'm looking forward to growing as a person. person I'm looking forward for my audience to do the same. So thank you so much for coming on the show. You're so welcome. I'm glad to be here.
00:03:22
Speaker
I always start every interview with let's go back. family So I want to the first question I want to ask is, where did you grow up? What was your household like and what kind of experience shaped you to become the person that you are today?
00:03:38
Speaker
Mm-hmm. Well, ah I grew up in a military family. but i was a high-ranking officer military. because You can imagine what the home life as far as that looks like. Very traditional.
00:03:51
Speaker
Because he was in the military, we moved around a little bit in the beginning. So I'm from New Orleans, but then moved to Puerto Rico. Okay. And was, yeah, so I was there for seven plus years, mainly my formative years, you know, elementary, middle school, most of high school. So i had that experience of being the kind of minority and being the gringo, right? So the blonde and didn't look like everybody. and And I think that that experience of living in Puerto Rico and then moving to Texas, which is where I've been since, ah really gave me a view of
00:04:30
Speaker
Just being like trying to adapt and the need for like connections. And and of course, when you're moving, it's got to get deep that quickly, too. So in the addition to that, with my father being military and that traditional sort of home life, mom, stay home, mom, dad.
00:04:47
Speaker
ran the show and the the finances and all of those pieces. So that's kind of my early years. And I think those formative years really made me look about relationships and ah roles and what I perceived as inequality, you know, and things like that. So, and then since then I've been in Texas and been married and divorced and have two adult sons and,
00:05:14
Speaker
So, yeah, it's been a life journey. Been all over the place. I think people are often surprised when they meet me and they're like, you grew up where? you know, but yeah, that's that's part of the journey.
00:05:26
Speaker
Being a military kid, this is one of those detours I told you at the at the top that I might take. Being a military kid, I was not a military kid, but I can identify with military kids because we moved around so much. I went to, I think it was four different elementary schools, two different middle schools, and three different high schools, right? Like, we moved around so much. And talking about intimacy and connection...
00:05:48
Speaker
One of the things, and I know if you have siblings, that was going be my next question. Me and my brother sister are so close because we move so much. But also, don't have a problem with Ending things. another Because I learned that, you know, this person can be your friend today, but I would might have to move next week. And I will never see this person again because this was in the 80s and 90s and technology wasn't a thing. Do you feel like growing up as a military kid, moving around, going from New Orleans to Puerto Rico to Texas, that...
00:06:28
Speaker
That may have led to some connection issues because you had to move around so much and that nobody is really there for long. Yeah, yeah. Well, speaking about siblings, I do have two sisters and we're very, very close. And a lot of times people, you know, will go, gosh, that's so ah unusual because y'all are like best friends. And and we are. and And I think part of that is because we had to rely on each other. right you know, we were our constants. Right. And like what you were saying about ah intimacy and connecting is that you did you didn't know when you were moving again. and where if you're going to get stationed someplace else and you got to pack up all your stuff and you'll never see those people again or the likelihood of it. So it made me very adaptable, meaning that I'm comfortable meeting people and and getting to know people. But I do think it does impact like intimacy ah or there is that little piece of like, well,
00:07:27
Speaker
you know, you may not meet them again or you may not, you can be friends now. and And, you know, if we grow in different directions, we may not be friends anymore. So I think that's a different experience than a lot of people that kind of stay in one place. And, you know, i kind of envy the friends I have that have had friends since they were kids. And I'm like, I have no, other than my sisters, you know, that's not, that's not my story. I don't remember the friends from New Orleans or, you know, because, you I was always moving. So, yeah and same thing with Puerto Rico, you know, when we moved from Puerto Rico to to Texas, that was a drastic cultural change first, but then, you know, i had to make new friends. And again, i was coming from Puerto Rico with all that cultural experience and also the blonde girl, but also very tan and I going to the school that was primarily black and, you know, standing out again. uh,
00:08:24
Speaker
So I do agree that it does impact your ability to feel connection and then that sort of security of that connection. So just like you and your sisters, and me my brother and sister are very, very close. Like I do an episode a week with my sister. The audience knows how close I am with my sister. I am just as close with my brother. We have a strong bond. And I remember when I was married,
00:08:53
Speaker
that my ex-wife was able to join the group, right? Even though now my brother's sister trying to claim that she wasn't. She was. She was. She'll point out things later. Yeah. Do you think that closeness with your sisters...
00:09:12
Speaker
affected relationships with other people, not even just romantic, friendships, friendships and romantic and everything in between, because you have this bond that you can say, well, no matter what, I know my people over here, y'all are never going to get to this level. and And if that's the case, did you see intimidation from friends or partners, romantic partners, with the closeness with your sister.
00:09:42
Speaker
um Well, we definitely are that tight, tight tribe, if you will. And we joke, but it's also serious, is that if you don't fit in, you're just not going to fit in. it right If you don't click with the group, like, you know, if you don't get our jokes, if you don't love to dance, if you don't like all these things, it's just not going to fit very well.
Becoming a Clinical Sexologist
00:10:03
Speaker
So and I think that the partners that have come into my life and they've they've either fit or they haven't. and And so, again, another question, though, that was, how does that impact friendships and, like, intimidation?
00:10:18
Speaker
Can you tell me more about what you're asking there so I can make sure? i I know that when, for instance, me my brother and sister had a party, and...
00:10:32
Speaker
One of my siblings' grouping of friends—I don't want to single out anybody—one of my siblings' grouping of friends saw how close we were. And they were like, oh, I thought we were like siblings. But I see now e there's a different level.
00:10:51
Speaker
So that's what i'm what I'm saying. Because some people— that are dear friends of mine see me with my siblings and say, oh, I i thought I was your best friend. i mean, you are my best friend, but that's, those are my best friends too. And I've known them all my life. It's a little different. So that's what I'm talking about.
00:11:09
Speaker
I think people recognize haven't recognized that, that the the sister bond is very, very strong and that they're so important to me. and But I think either the friends are either wanting to join, you they want to like hang out with all of us, or, you know, they just recognize that those are your sisters and you guys are thick as thieves. And so, you know...
00:11:33
Speaker
It's just kind of like you they're my deepest best friends, but these are you're my best friend, too, are my close friends. And there's a place for everybody. Yes, there's a place for everybody. So you're traveling as a military kid from New Orleans to Puerto Rico to Texas. hey You're growing up in Texas.
00:11:57
Speaker
And you got this great sister bond. And somehow that translate into you building a career around intimacy, relationships, and sexual topics.
00:12:08
Speaker
And this is why you're here on the show is to talk about these topics that have been labeled as taboo. But you're saying they shouldn't and we shouldn't feel that way. right How did your life pull you into this type of work?
00:12:25
Speaker
ah Well, now I always wanted him to go into psychology, and and and I started out work wanting to work primarily with women. But I like to think it's that I'm comfortable talking about the topic because it would come up so often in therapy sessions with clients. And, you know, they might come in talking about I'm really struggling with anxiety or relationship issues or whatever they're presenting. And I never believe we would end up talking about their sex life because they – If you're anxious, that's going to show up in your sex life. If your sex life is complicated, that creates anxiety. So it becomes this little, you know, like a cycle. And and I think part of it is also how much of it has been we've been conditioned to believe is taboo or not supposed to be talked
Shaping Intimacy: Early Messages and Technology
00:13:10
Speaker
about. And I think there's something really empowering about getting to know yourself at a really deep level, which includes anxiety.
00:13:17
Speaker
how you show up at intimacy with yourself and with other people, even questioning like why why aren't we supposed to talk about sex? Why are we supposed to know how to do it and and enjoy it when it's okay and acceptable, but then not talk about it and it being shameful and not okay when it's not okay, right? So that contradiction always really bothered me. And the idea of empowering people to...
00:13:42
Speaker
ask questions of themselves and own what works for them and check in with themselves when they're following what they perceive is like the script of how it's supposed to look. And it's it's not authentic. So I think it's just been an evolution of something I've already really fascinated by. And I think sex is such a human...
00:14:02
Speaker
thing that ah it just became more and more interesting to me. And then I pursued at a deeper level of, you know, getting it a doctorate in clinical sexology, you know, so ah just took it seriously. And I wanted to educate it, not just on the human part of it, but like, or the relational piece, but like the anatomy and what's happening within our bodies and our hormones and So, yeah, it's I think it's just an extremely fascinating topic.
00:14:41
Speaker
The older I've gotten, the more fascinated I've been about—well, I've always been fascinated about sex. But the the intimacy part of it is has always been interesting to me. But most of us don't grow up ah having open and healthy conversations about sex, desire, or boundaries. What messages do people usually carry from childhood or even young adulthood that end up causing problems in their relationships later?
00:15:16
Speaker
Well, it doesn't often get talked about. And, you know, i so many clients, I'll ask them, you know, well who did you first learn about sex from? Who, you know, and often it's at school and the the presentation was scare the crap out of the kid, you know, and instead of it being...
00:15:36
Speaker
understanding how the body works, understanding the emotional piece of it, understanding boundaries. you know So a lot of parents don't talk to so about sex with their kids. So kids are learning it from school and friends, which are usually not the best experts on Yeah. That also creates the idea of, like, performance because you're hearing, here's this guy or friend talking about their sexual experience and how some somehow it went, like, perfectly. And then, you know, that that phrase presents this idea of, oh, we should know how to do this. And we should know how to do it really well. And also be emotionally connected and intimate. And so...
00:16:16
Speaker
I think a lot of the the issue is that it doesn't get talked about. And when things aren't talked about, the go-to is that they're not supposed to be talked about. There's something bad about them. There's something we need to keep that a secret.
00:16:29
Speaker
And yet, most people are having sex. So, you know, what what is something that's so human need to be a secret? Or they get shamed about it, and you know.
00:16:40
Speaker
Right. You said something earlier about anxiety affecting intimacy. ah And i i don't know why that never crossed my mind before. As somebody who suffers from generalized anxiety, to think that anxiety would interrupt intimacy.
00:17:01
Speaker
That's one thing that can interrupt intimacy. But with your clients, you don't need to be specific. The older millennials and where the millennials generation that might be coming to you, do you see issues with sexuality, intimacy and desire as the rise of technology has opened up the door to ah i don't know if I could say this on air.
00:17:32
Speaker
he sexually suggestive media. Yeah, that was good way to put it. Sexually suggestive media. And that now kids have access to it that older generations didn't at such a young age that's warping, that could be potentially warping their mind about what sex actually is and the how it's supposed to feel and be presented.
00:17:57
Speaker
Do you think that there is a correlation between that? Yeah, I do. I think that the social media and and technology has, i mean, there's definitely benefits to it as far as like the access to information, assuming that information is accurate. But it does, you know, if somebody's watching something that's sexually related.
00:18:18
Speaker
Even though somebody logically may know that that's not real, that this is a crafted, scripted, edited sort of thing, it doesn't mean that it doesn't create an influence of what is perceived the way it's supposed to look.
00:18:31
Speaker
And often in those types of ah imagery, it's not emphasizing intimacy. It's not emphasizing humanness of it doesn't always go great. it Sometimes it's messy. Sometimes it' you're all in and then it changes. And so that that piece gives them very inaccurate information and that also creates that performance anxiety, which is I need to know what I'm doing. I need to be really good at it. Everything has to function perfectly and on cue. And that's just not how it works.
00:19:03
Speaker
So puts a lot of pressure on people. also think that with social media things like that, yes, you have access to talking to people and whatever, but it's also created a lot of loneliness. People are not connecting in that sort of real time, spending actual time with each other. They're texting and sending back photos and things like that, which are probably edited as well. Yeah.
00:19:27
Speaker
That's an interesting, that's really interesting that our form of communication now is texting. i I know personally, don't call me. You can FaceTime me, maybe, but I prefer a text. And how there's a lost connection in that people have whole conversations through text messages. And then when they're in person, aren't able to make that type of connection. I hear so many of my friends who are on dating sites, they say they have these great conversations online through the dating site. And then once they're in person, it's crickets. So that's an interesting concept that i don't think people need necessarily thought about it. What could be a solution to a couple who might feel a little disconnected right now
00:20:15
Speaker
ah if they examine their communication styles? Mm-hmm. So I think that what a lot of people are missing is just the curiosity.
00:20:26
Speaker
You know, I think so many people are just making assumptions left and right, and they're operating from those assumptions. And maybe the assumption's accurate, but not necessarily, right? So you talk about the people that are comfortable with the texting. They're on a social a dating app, and they're able to text.
00:20:43
Speaker
In that sense, in that sort of communication setup, there's a lot less anxiety because you can edit. it you can You can take a little bit of time to think of how you want to say it. You can also have sort of the, well, if it didn't make sense, I can go back and change it because we can use the idea that text or email can be misunderstood, misconstrued, or whatever. When you're sitting face-to-face with someone,
00:21:08
Speaker
eat It's right there. They're right there in front of you. And you are kind of thinking on the spot. You can't take that pause or that edit. And I think that creates a lot of anxiety for people. So a couple that's feeling disconnected, I think it's just being asking questions, being curious and not making quick assumptions about what you think your partner is feeling or needs or wants or You know, and you think about it in the sexual realm, a lot of people make assumptions based on what they think is happening in the sexual experience, and they're not talking about it. Like, oh, those they sounded like they were really enjoying that, so that must be it. It's like, maybe not.
00:21:48
Speaker
Maybe you need to stop and ask, you know, like, maybe not in the sexual experience, but like at another time, like, how was that for you? Right. You like when I do this instead of, oh, you know, I'm i'm doing it perfect, and maybe you're not for that person. Mm-hmm.
00:22:03
Speaker
So I do want to get back to couples being disconnected, but I want to focus in on the person right now. You hear a lot of people saying all the time, something must be wrong with me because my desire isn't what it used to be. From your experience, what usually really happening when someone starts to feel disconnected from that part of themselves? Yeah.
00:22:24
Speaker
Well, I think that first there's an assumption, again, that we're supposed to have desire all the time and that it should be readily available. and And it doesn't work that way. It's really responsive. So if we're stressed out, if we feel overwhelmed, and this could be just as a person, not even in and a couple of relationship, although the couple relationship plays a big part too. Yeah. Just as a person, if you're stressed out, you're overwhelmed, you feel disconnected to your body, maybe something physically is going on with your body, and you feel like your body's betraying you, there's all kinds of reasons.
Desire and Connection in Relationships
00:22:56
Speaker
Well, then desire is not going to be there. And and i think so often people do not realize that our life circumstances absolutely put play a part if we have desire to be intimate, sexual, receive, give pleasure, any of the any of those things. so And another big part is feeling safe.
00:23:20
Speaker
So if someone doesn't feel seen, safe, either with themselves and in their own body or in a relationship, desire is not going to be there. So a lot times people will come to me and say, you know, something's wrong with me.
00:23:33
Speaker
I don't have any desire. i could take it or leave it You know, The first thing I want to know is what has sex been like for them? Because, or even if it's with themselves, you know, are you experiencing pleasure? Are you having an orgasm? is it, you know, are you feeling seen in your sexual experience?
00:23:53
Speaker
And a lot of times they'll tell me no. you know, I don't think anybody's even asked me what I want. I don't even know what I want. that Those kind of pieces will play a part in desire and disconnect. Yeah.
00:24:05
Speaker
So, again, curiosity. Ask questions. I can't tell you how many times couples have come to me and, you know, it's like they don't talk about sex. They could be doing it all the time, but they haven't had conversations about it outside the bedroom, but like what they like and...
00:24:20
Speaker
you know so You're talking specifically about like what they and like what they like, what they enjoy, not not, hey, do you want to do something? Hey, are you ready? Not not those type of questions, not that type of communication, but the communication of, are you enjoying this? Is there something else that you would like? Is there something else that that you would like to do?
00:24:43
Speaker
Those are the conversations that you're saying that a lot of these couples aren't having. They're not having those conversations, but they're also not having conversations about what creates desire for someone, what's been turned on, what what do they need in order to feel connected.
00:24:59
Speaker
You know, those are all really important pieces. The idea of just being... ready to go, it it doesn't really work that way. i think that so it's not just what you like and don't like and what works for you in this sort of sexual experience, but even like what creates comfort and safety and feeling seen by your person that would even make you desire being sexual.
00:25:24
Speaker
yeah that's That's so very, very important. Sticking with couples and relationships, a lot of people in relationships end up just kind of going through the motions. You hear that all the time, especially for yeah people that have been in long-term relationships because they think that's what they're supposed to do, right? We've been in this situation for so long. Let me go through the motions. How can someone tell the difference between performance intimacy and actually feeling connected to their partner?
00:25:51
Speaker
Well, performance is performance. it they're not They're not in their bodies. They're not experiencing their sensations. they're They're not attuned to their person. They're in the, what am I supposed to do next? And what is it supposed to look like? and sometimes it's, what's the end goal? And how fast can we get there?
00:26:12
Speaker
so The difference between presence is that you're authentically connecting. You're paying attention to what you're experiencing. You're paying attention to your partner as well. You're not thinking about end goal as the, you know, that it's supposed to look a certain way. It's just much more organic. And there's a there's a big difference there. If you're in performance mode, you're in your head and you're trying to sort of look and behave and and do certain things you think they're supposed to be like, and that's not necessarily connected to what really
00:26:45
Speaker
what really does it for each of you. So that shows up in the relationship too. When you kind of go in with emotions, you're not connected. You're you're sort of performing a relationship, but not connecting with each other, getting to know each other, being curious.
00:27:04
Speaker
and And we're constantly growing, right? So what someone was like when you first started dating them or first got married is not... you know, it ideally people, you want to grow. You want to have new experiences. And so you got it's a continuous, like getting to know somebody. Right.
00:27:21
Speaker
Like that growth, people, We grow, right? Like just naturally the evolution of human beings. You're not the same in your 30s as you were in your 20s and your 40s as you were in your 30s and 50s. I'm 45 years old and I'm not even the same from when I was 42. Like there's been a jump and a leap from there as well.
00:27:45
Speaker
I would assume that that would also apply to sexual desire, that that evolves over time just with growth as a as a person, but also growth in a relationship. So what are some of the things that people can do? I know what you're going to say, communicate. but But in what way? Because how can somebody who might not even know that they That the desires that they used to have are not fulfilling them anymore. hey
00:28:21
Speaker
How could they even recognize it if they don't see it and then then find out this is what I desire? Like, how do you get to doing that type of work?
00:28:33
Speaker
Well, I think it's also helpful to look back to what what did work in the past. And as a starting point, you know, this is something we used to do. i used to enjoy it.
00:28:45
Speaker
It seemed like you did you enjoy it, that kind of thing. And then that opens up a more honest conversation of identifying the things that are shifting. And then as far as like, you know,
00:28:58
Speaker
Again, just referencing what you've already experienced. What do you imagine? What do you think about? what Just being open for those conversations, I think a lot of people hold back and they're hesitant to share things that might help or might be of interest because they're concerned they're going to be you know judged about it or maybe they're going to feel embarrassed or...
00:29:22
Speaker
All of those things. So a lot of people just kind of go through the motions without taking that little bit of a check in and being, you know, wondering, is this working for you? That question is a very hard question to ask. You know, it's, oh, I hope they don't tell me, no, this isn't working.
00:29:40
Speaker
In fact, I'm bored. You know, that's scary. what If somebody ever told me that they were bored, I would get up and walk away and they would never see me again. yeah where it Wow. That would give me performance anxiety. Yeah. Yeah. And that's, you know, it's again, people get stuck in their routines and they do the same thing over and over again. And they expect it to be something that continues to work.
00:30:09
Speaker
inev Forever. And it doesn't. It doesn't. You know, we've got to shift. Our bodies change. Our experience change. Those influence how we see ourselves. You know, over time, people might learn new things, feel more empowered, enhance their voice of what they want, what they need, and then everything starts to shift. And you have to be able to have those conversations. Yeah.
00:30:32
Speaker
I know. Once again, somebody told me they were bored. That'd be traumatic. But speaking of trauma. here like Don't get to the I'm bored. Yes. I'm bored. You have been tuned out for a long time. yeah oh my goodness.
00:30:57
Speaker
People hear the word trauma and often think it only applies to like extreme
Traumas, Needs, and Love Languages
00:31:02
Speaker
situations. Right. But reading some of your information, you talk about how it can quietly show up the way we feel closeness or experience closeness, experience vulnerability. How does that tend to show up in relationships? Yeah.
00:31:19
Speaker
Well, speaking of traumas, people often think trauma and they think some major crisis, an accident, something. In reality, that the trauma that the most ah impactful trauma is trauma that's slow and consistent like continuous. There's little things. It's your partner not showing up for you. It's your partner not you you know honoring your relationship or all kinds of like these little smaller things of them not having time for you, not asking questions. Those are all little traumas that do that create the distance and disconnect and make it very scary to be vulnerable with someone. So that the idea is not let's look for this one big, huge argument that happened. Instead, it's the times when people don't show up, they don't keep their word, they You know, they make time for everybody else but you. These kind of little, little hurts that add up.
00:32:19
Speaker
I have married friends. Married guy friends. I got to be careful how I say this because I don't want to be specific. who Who have talked about their sex life with their wife and have said,
00:32:36
Speaker
That they wish they could have it more often than she's never in the mood. And there's one friend in particular that said, I paid attention to the things that she was asking me to do around the house with the kids, cleaning up, whatever it was, and then started doing them without her ever having to ask anything.
00:33:00
Speaker
Sex life has been great. So with that story, one of the biggest tensions, like I said, with my friends and couples out there is that they're faced when one person wants to be intimate and the other one doesn't.
00:33:13
Speaker
What are some healthy ways couples can navigate the difference without turning into blame, guilt, or pressure? Mm-hmm. meat Well, you described a situation that's pretty common, and that is, you know, this particular friend of yours started noticing the things that were had obviously been continuing to go on, the things that happened in the house and the chores and the kids and the responsibilities.
00:33:39
Speaker
And then he stepped up and started doing some of those things. That right there is showing that he's paying attention and that he is it matters to him.
00:33:50
Speaker
He's reliable. He's he's her partner. And that is a great aphrodisiac to like wanting to be sexual. It's like your per like you know it's having a conversation. It's problem-solving together. It's all these things that seem very non-sexual that actually lead to sexual desire because we're creating a sense of safety.
00:34:13
Speaker
i can I can count on you. you are my person. that leads to being more open to the idea of of desire. and so it it Obviously, your question was, how do you prevent the sort of whose fault it is? And I mean, I think don't have that conversation instead going, how can we show up for each other better?
00:34:36
Speaker
And and then there you go. And that starts. And then when that partner sees those efforts, that intentional effort, it means a lot. So, ladies and gentlemen, did you hear that?
00:34:48
Speaker
Do not have that conversation. Pay attention to what matters to them. are you Are you saying without saying love languages?
00:35:00
Speaker
Well, love languages exist. It's a real thing. i think they can change over time. i think that there is a dis there is a definite correlation between love languages and sexual love languages.
00:35:13
Speaker
So knowing what your partner's love languages are, because it's not usually just one, it's you know maybe the top two or three, and then... Being intentional to bring those things in, even if it's not your love language, even if it's not the thing you think about or feel the most loved by that's that intention to bring those in goes a long way.
00:35:37
Speaker
So the partner you talked about is probably acts of service, right? So they were like, oh, you're lightening my load. You're helping me out. You know, you're noticing that I'm doing all these things and you're and you're helping. you're You're taking on some of it. Yeah.
00:35:55
Speaker
I think i you dropped something that I'd never heard before. I've heard of love languages before. I know them. I've studied them. But did you say sex love languages? Yes. Yes.
00:36:08
Speaker
yeah I've never heard of that before. Can you break that down for me in the audience? What are sex love languages? It's like the love languages ah that carry over into your sexual experiences. For instance, if your love language is words of affirmation, you really feel seen and loved when your partner says, I'm so proud of you, or you did a great job or you're so attractive, whatever those positive things that resonate for that person. Imagine bringing those words of affirmation into your sexual experience. You are so hot. You're so good at this. This is the best thing ever.
00:36:49
Speaker
but but but but about Right? That's your sexual love language. So, yeah, definitely. That would be cool, especially considering that your love language is words of affirmation. Not to say during sex if your love language is words of affirmation is, I'm bored. Don't do that. not do that. You've gone the opposite direction. Yeah, that's a good way to end what's going on. Yeah. Sex language is unnecessary because it's not happening. Yeah. Yeah.
00:37:23
Speaker
I've noticed a lot of people will complain about what they're not getting in a relationship, but they never actually say what they need. Why is asking for what you want so difficult for so many people?
00:37:36
Speaker
I think it's the fear that they're not going to get it. Yeah. I mean, think about it. If you identify what you want and then you bring that to the table and that person says not going to do it or doesn't even say anything but just doesn't doesn't provide that thing that was important enough for you to bring up, that could be really...
00:37:59
Speaker
A letdown is putting in it mil mildly. I mean, it's, I think people are afraid of not getting the thing that they ask for, them putting themselves out there and being vulnerable to talk about what they want, and then the fear of it not being important enough to be taken care of.
00:38:17
Speaker
So in that same frame, in that same conversation, and going back to a previous kind of ah question about boundaries,
00:38:28
Speaker
Some people out here, and I don't mean to make it gender specific, but I'm goingnna i'm going to say men are going to do this. okay Men are going to ask their partner for certain things sexually that that might be beyond the scope of the boundary of their relationship.
00:38:48
Speaker
Some of them have been in monogamous relationships for five, six, seven years, and then they want to try to be poly, right? And that partner doesn't want to do that.
00:39:00
Speaker
So what what do you say to those people who might ask unreasonable requests in sexual nature do Should they still have those conversations or they should should they reexamine what they're about to bring to this conversation?
00:39:23
Speaker
Well, I think you need to understand why you're even considering wanting a certain thing, whatever it is, to go into a polyamorous relationship, open up the relationship, try new sexual activities or things like that, to be curious about what's underneath that. I mean, if somebody wants to move into a poly relationship,
00:39:42
Speaker
that has its own context of what that looks like. And so what is going on in the relationship that makes that even appealing to question that for yourself? I'm not saying there's anything wrong with them. i'm just saying like to question why that's something that's ah of interest.
00:39:58
Speaker
And then from that information to just decide if it's important enough for them to bring it up in the relationship, in their couple relationship. Obviously you have to be thoughtful about what you're bringing up so that it's,
00:40:11
Speaker
I don't think you should keep to yourself for the things that feel important or the things that you really are desiring. I think we need to be able to share that with our partner. It may not be available, you know.
00:40:23
Speaker
I think people get cautious of, well, if I say that this is something that's of interest to me, they may misread that to mean I'm not happy in this relationship or I'm not happy you're satisfying this sexual relationship. So I think that it needs to be presented in a way with assurance, but also this is something that I'm thinking about. And and then having that pre-work of understanding why it's even of interest to you, be it a position or, you know, opening the relationship to kind of a different set up.
00:40:53
Speaker
On the flip side to that, what's some advice that you could give to a person that's going to receive these requests? To not take things personally, to not go in that direction, well, something wrong with the relationship, and to actually hear and listen to what the person is asking.
00:41:10
Speaker
min I think people are have to be thoughtful about not going into defensive mode, which we do relatively easy because we're trying to protect ourselves and and to notice if we start to to do that, but also just to be curious. and And have some compassion for the person who's sharing something that might be really uncomfortable to share. And there's courage in doing that. So, you know, instead of going, what, you don't think our relationship's good or you're not happy with him anymore?
00:41:40
Speaker
Just to ask, why is that of interest to you? what What is, you know, what made you think about that? What do you think it would be like? You know, just start from curiosity instead of defensiveness.
00:41:55
Speaker
The majority of the work that you do now, you said, is is dealing with women. I specifically didn't focus solely on women because I know from a lot of conversations with men that a lot of men deal with these similar issues. Mm-hmm. That just don't talk about it. I know one of those issues is safety, whether men can actually verbalize that that's what it is.
00:42:21
Speaker
When they tell me, yeah, this is what's going on with my girl, things and this and that, I'm like, oh, you don't feel safe. So things aren't right. But focusing on women specifically now. What? For generations, women were given very specific messages about sexuality, what's acceptable, what's not, and what they were supposed to prioritize.
Challenging Traditional Narratives on Sexuality
00:42:43
Speaker
How do these old narratives still shape the way women experience intimacy today? Well, those old messages were that women were not supposed to be sexual, you know, that desiring, enjoying, pursuing sex was was not okay, and that women were supposed to be taking care of others.
00:43:08
Speaker
You put other people first. You put your partner first. You put their wants and needs and pleasure and and whatever it is first or your children first. And so over time, I think that's shifting where it's not that a woman is no longer considering their partner or their kids or taking care of the people they love, but bringing a little bit more of them themselves into the equation so that Women enjoy sex. It's important to them. You know, all of those sort of ideas of that women aren't supposed to be sexual is just not true.
00:43:45
Speaker
And so just creating a little bit more normalcy of that both men and women enjoy, most people enjoy, not everybody, sex, and they have wants and needs.
00:43:56
Speaker
So those old messages, they have held on for a long time. They're still here, unfortunately. and And that leads to my next question. What is some advice that you can give to women out there who consciously or subconsciously, right, are still holding on these old narratives? What's some advice that you could get to give to them to try and break free of that?
00:44:19
Speaker
yeah And then what's some advice that we can give to men to stop judging women who are sexually free? Mm-hmm. it sexually free. Okay, so for women, let's imagine somebody's coming to see me in my office and it's a woman and she is talking about not having a desire.
00:44:42
Speaker
And as I mentioned earlier, my questions would be, well, what's it been like? You know, why is it that you're not desiring this thing that maybe you used to do and maybe you are still doing, but you don't really want to?
00:44:54
Speaker
That brings up those that information of what they're enjoying and also the questions of, well, what is it you want? What do you want it to look like? How do you want to be touched? or you know And that brings up those questions that a lot of times they haven't even asked themselves. They're not satisfied, but they don't know what they're not satisfied about. It's just not this. It's not this isn't a good fit. So I think that it is about just being.
00:45:20
Speaker
asking yourself honest questions, being curious, not judging it right away or judging it at all. And then as far as men not having a concept of a woman's very sexually free that says something about her, they're benefiting the enjoyment of that sexually free woman as she's expressing herself and enjoying herself. And so there's definitely some positives in that piece. It doesn't have...
00:45:46
Speaker
Enjoying sex, wanting sex, having a sexual vocabulary of what works for you is and healthy. it's It's living. It's being human. It's embracing our humanness.
00:45:59
Speaker
And it's stepping away from, you know, instilled, conditioned mindsets that are not real. they're They come from a place of control and just a different time that doesn't exist anymore, you know. yeah and this This question, it was forming in my head as we've been speaking. I've been trying to figure out he the proper way to ask this question.
00:46:27
Speaker
So we we we talked earlier about people carrying things from childhood and young adult life, and that could cause disconnect from desire and intimacy relationships and things of that nature. Mm-hmm.
00:46:44
Speaker
I know of people who severely need therapy. Everybody needs therapy. Everybody does need therapy. Everybody needs to be able to to feel safe and be able to talk to somebody.
00:47:01
Speaker
everybody To a professional. Right. To a somebody who has actually studied how to help you, im not your friend. Right. People come to me all the time. I'm like, I'm not a therapist. I didn't go to school for therapy. Like, I don't know what to do to help you. But there are some people who need of so need intensive therapy. I'm specifically talking to them. Okay.
00:47:27
Speaker
How do people first acknowledge the fact that they need therapy? to ask themselves those questions that you, those honest questions that you were talking about.
00:47:41
Speaker
hey And that they may not be able to give themselves an answer. They may need to talk to a professional and to help guide them to find the answer to that honest question. he What is your advice to them to just take that first step?
00:48:05
Speaker
I think we all need to be able to ask for help. And I think that there's something very empowering in that. It's not a weakness, right? So if you're asking yourself or you're attempting to ask yourself, like, well, backing up a little bit, if something in whatever category of your life does not feel good, whatever that version of not feeling good is and whatever that topic is, that's a space to pause and ask questions. Like, why does this not feel good to me? Does it not feel good in my body? Does it not feel good emotionally?
00:48:39
Speaker
And why is that? And we may not have the answers. And that's the piece where it's like, maybe I need some help here because this isn't sitting well with me. And that is, we are always getting those messages, you know? And so it's tuning into that and going, why don't I feel good here? Why don't I feel good in this relationship? Why don't I feel good in my body? Why don't I feel good in this this activity I'm doing? Or whatever it is, you know, or a friendship even, right? It's like, I'm not, I don't know, i'm just not feeling good here anymore. and be able to question that. We often don't.
00:49:16
Speaker
We ignore it. We kick down the road, if you will, you know, thinking, oh, it's just this reason or making excuses. So I would say, you know, to be curious when things don't feel like they're sitting well with you, why that is. And if you don't know the answers, ask for help.
00:49:34
Speaker
And, you know, a therapist is great for that because that's their passion. You know, my passion is therapy and humans and the human, you know, how we live, but also sex and sexuality and how that influences everything. So, you know.
00:49:54
Speaker
There is this thing that I know is real. I know it's real. I looked it up. I researched it. i said, oh, it's real. Asexual people.
00:50:05
Speaker
no There are people who are asexual. yeah But I've also, from my circles of people that I know either intimately or not intimately,
00:50:21
Speaker
in groups, friends of friends, what have you, they've labeled themselves asexual. And I've said, well, like, have you actually done the work to just to find out if you actually are asexual or are you just not having desire right now for various reasons? Can you explain to people the difference between somebody being asexual and somebody that's lacking desire at a specific moment in their life?
Understanding Asexuality and Low Desire
00:50:53
Speaker
Well, there is a distinction. and And first of all, asexual is not as common as people utilize the term. Someone that is asexual does not have sexual desire. It isn't something that is situational. It is their constant.
00:51:10
Speaker
And the other piece about that is that So if somebody's never really enjoyed sex and then they identify themselves as asexual, That doesn't mean that that's actually the case. It may be that they just haven't had enjoyable sexual experiences. Maybe they haven't done the exploration to understand what they really like and what works for them. And also on top of that, an asexual person can still be in a sexual relationship and can still be in a romantic relationship.
00:51:39
Speaker
And I think that's the thing that people often get confused. If you're asexual, you're not having sex, and you're not in relationships. That doesn't have to be the case. So the way to distinguish it is really, is it something that is your constant?
00:51:53
Speaker
Perhaps it's always been that way. You didn't kind of really understand why other people thought sex was something of interest or what they get out of it. It's those kind of, you know, it's just their constant instead of like, you know, i'm every relationship has been difficult. I'm just not going to go there. Sex has never been enjoyable. So I just don't like sex. So that must mean I'm asexual. It's not necessarily the case.
00:52:19
Speaker
Before I let you go, we've talked so much about people finding the desire within themselves, finding the desire within the person. And it seemed like the overall theme was people need to talk. If if you wanted to give a parting salute or monologue of someone,
00:52:44
Speaker
a message that people should just be hammered home with to walk away with this interview. I know I'm putting you on the spot. But... That's perfect statement. I don't... Not even the perfect statement. I don't have the perfect questions. I go all around the place. but But a statement or something that can really hammer home everything that we've talked about because we've given people so much information. You're probably going to have to listen to this and watch this a couple of times and take notes, ladies and gentlemen, take notes. But what is something that people should absolutely get from this interview?
00:53:25
Speaker
o Well, first of all, I think people latch on to that statement of that they're broken, something's wrong with them. and it's this was rarely the case. And so, i but you know, again, curious. Take that term and really run with it. Be curious about yourself, about other people, about your relationships.
00:53:48
Speaker
Be open to asking questions. And the other piece is it doesn't have to be perfect. you know, earlier you said, oh let me think about how I'm going to phrase this question. That I get that. Obviously, you're trying to ask it questions that are going to be really helpful and relevant and so forth. But that statement is often what people trip up on when they're having conversations with themselves or with their partner. I need to make it perfect. I need to say it just right. I need to you know articulate it articulate it in a way that's not going to offend all of these things.
00:54:22
Speaker
All that's helpful, but it often keeps people from... Dr. Stanley, am I would say get over the i'm broken something's wrong with me and get curious and don't think that everything has to
00:54:38
Speaker
dr stanley am i to understand this correctly you have a book coming out i do it's called nothing's off the table yeah And it is really about, um you know, everything everything should be available to talk about and ah put
Dr. Stanley's Book and Final Thoughts
00:54:57
Speaker
it on the table. It doesn't have to be perfect. Just put it out there. And that includes our sexuality, includes our preferences. It also has a lot to say about debunking a whole bunch of myths that are out there that people have been operating from.
00:55:13
Speaker
for generations. And so, you know, it's kind of looking at the beliefs and myths that are we are operating from, even the ones we're not even aware of, and questioning them and putting it all on the table and asking about it. So, yeah, and that comes out 1st of April.
00:55:30
Speaker
Ladies and gentlemen, look out for that book.
00:55:34
Speaker
I'm going to get the book and I'm going to read it. All right. Dr. Stanley, I want to thank you so much for coming on the show. This was a extremely interesting conversation, extremely informative conversation.
00:55:48
Speaker
And I know. I know i learned and I know my audience learned. So thank you so much for coming on the show and discussing this very important topic that people avoid talking about. Yes, they do. with With just expertise and and warmth.
00:56:09
Speaker
o So thank you so much. Thanks. I'm glad to be here. i appreciate your time. was my pleasure. You know, one of the biggest things I took away from this conversation is that connection, real connection. Is it something that just happens because two people decide to be together?
00:56:26
Speaker
It's something that has to be nurtured, questioned, protected, sometimes even rebuilt. We heard today how easy it is for people to get stuck in their routines, their assumptions, and and most importantly, silence.
00:56:41
Speaker
And silence can exist even when two people share the same bed, the same home, the same life. You can be physically close and still feel emotionally miles apart. That's not failure, that's a signal.
00:56:54
Speaker
A signal that something needs attention. For women, that might mean giving yourself permission to listen to your own needs instead of consistently prioritizing everyone else's. For men, that might mean understanding that strength isn't just about providing or performing.
00:57:11
Speaker
Sometimes it's about being present, paying attention, and creating an environment where honesty feels safe. Both men and women carry expectations that were handed to them before they ever entered a relationship.
00:57:24
Speaker
And if we never question those expectations, we end up living out scripts that don't actually fit who we are. Relationships evolve because people evolve.
00:57:37
Speaker
The person you are today is not the person you were five years ago. And the same is true for your partner. That means the conversations have to evolve too. Curiosity has to replace assumptions.
00:57:49
Speaker
Effort has to replace autopilot. And empathy has to replace defensiveness. At the end of the day, intimacy isn't just about what happens behind closed doors. It's about how we show for each other in everyday moments.
00:58:04
Speaker
The small acts of care, the willingness to listen, the courage to speak honestly even when it feels uncomfortable. If there's one thing to sit with after this episode, it's this.
00:58:16
Speaker
Connection doesn't disappear overnight. It fades when it's ignored and it grows when it is intentionally nurtured.
00:58:26
Speaker
So take what you've heard today and reflect on it. Reflect on your relationships, your communication, and even your relationship with yourself. Because real growth starts with awareness read and real intimacy the same starts with understanding.
00:58:44
Speaker
Ladies and gentlemen, I want to thank you for listening. I want to thank you for watching. And until next time, always, I'll holler.
00:58:56
Speaker
That was a hell of
Podcast Engagement and Closing
00:58:57
Speaker
a show. Thank you for rocking with us here on Unsolicited Perspectives with Bruce Anthony. Now, before you go, don't forget to follow, subscribe, like, comment, and share our podcast wherever you're listening or watching it to it. Pass it along to your friends. If you enjoy it, that means the people that you rock will will enjoy it also. So share the wealth, share the knowledge, share the noise.
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Speaker
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00:59:30
Speaker
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00:59:59
Speaker
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01:00:13
Speaker
Thank you. Thank you for listening and watching and supporting us. And I'll catch you next time. Audi 5000. Peace.
01:00:24
Speaker
Freedom.