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Stay Sparked #12- "Holding Space for Friends"
7 Plays2 years ago
In Episode 12 we talk about how to face all of the things that come along with depression and anxiety:
How to be a friend to people who are going through hard times and how can we attend to our friends and be present for them. We touched on how to pull ourselves out of these downward spirals and how to walk that delicate line of being there for somebody without pushing them farther into a dark place.
*If you are feeling suicidal, dial or txt 988 for the Suicide & Crisis Lifeline.
HOSTS
BETSY FINKLEHOO is a healer of massage therapy, CranioSacral and Dharma Coaching. She is an 8 year burner and has spent the last several years seeped in the personal development world, cultivating her passion for transformation and growth. Her recent project, The Power Affirmation Journal and virtual group empowers women to cultivate self awareness and healthy habits so they can live in greater freedom, mind body and spirit.
http://poweraffirmation.com/
Click here to get a FREE affirmation for Stay Sparked Listeners!
HALCYON is full-time Love Ambassador. He is the founder of Hug Nation YouTube channel and daily zoom gratitude circles. He is co-founder of the Pink Heart Burning Man camp and the 1st Saturdays project for people experiencing homelessness. In his free time he coaches individuals on how to live joyfully and authentically. His other podcast is "Gratuitous Boobs."
http://links.hugnation.com
JANUS REDMOON is a 10-time Burner, and has spent the last several years as an advocate for psychedelic medicine research and treatment. He is the founder and CEO of NuWorld Nutritionals, a nutritional supplement company providing mushroom-based, all-natural products to improve and maintain health for both body and mind. (Use code "SPARKED" for 10% off)
http://www.nuworldnutritionals.com
MASSIVE Thank you to Dub Sutra for their beautiful opening music. Check out their incredible music catalogue online.
https://dubsutra.com
Recommended
Transcript
Introduction & Show Themes
00:00:01
Speaker
Welcome to Stay Sparked.
00:00:04
Speaker
On this show, we explore how to stay inspired in the modern world through the most profound lessons from Burning Man, relationships, entrepreneurship, psychedelics, spirituality, travel, and more.
Facing Depression & Anxiety
00:00:17
Speaker
On today's Stay Sparked, we are talking about how to face all of the things that come along with depression, anxiety, and being a friend to people who are going through hard times.
00:00:29
Speaker
How do we attend to our friends and be the best friend and presence for them, and also how to pull ourselves out of these reps and spirals that we sometimes find ourselves in.
00:00:39
Speaker
How do we walk that delicate line of being there for somebody and not pushing them farther into the dark place that they are?
00:00:46
Speaker
We hope you enjoy the episode.
Meet the Hosts & Their Projects
00:00:50
Speaker
Welcome to Stay Sparked.
00:00:51
Speaker
I'm Halcyon.
00:00:52
Speaker
I'm Betsy.
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Speaker
And I'm Janus.
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I am the host of the Hug Nation YouTube channel.
00:00:58
Speaker
And I am the founder of the Power Affirmation Project, teaching life skills for sustainable happiness here in Southern California and worldwide virtually.
00:01:07
Speaker
And I am the CEO and founder of New World Nutritionals, which is a supplement company, nutritional supplement company, offering products to help improve one's state of mind.
00:01:19
Speaker
And we like to start each of our broadcasts with some gratitude.
00:01:23
Speaker
So Betsy, what are you grateful for?
Gratitude & Friendships
00:01:26
Speaker
I am so grateful today for hugs.
00:01:29
Speaker
I got to see many friends this weekend and this particular group of friends loves hugs.
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Speaker
And so I got filled up on real beautiful heart to heart hugs that were just so warming to my soul and to my body and to my heart.
00:01:47
Speaker
So today, grateful for hugs.
00:01:51
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Lovely.
00:01:51
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What about you, Yanis?
00:01:53
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I've very similar gratitude as I was at this same gathering.
00:01:57
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And yeah, I got a lot of hugs.
00:02:00
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And these gatherings don't always provide an opportunity to really get a deep drop in with some friends.
00:02:06
Speaker
But this one did like a lot.
00:02:09
Speaker
And I was actually able to really drop in with the people who I've only really known peripherally for like years, frankly.
00:02:16
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It's easy to get into a routine where you see a lot of people like, you know, and it's like, hey, hello, how you doing?
00:02:21
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And then that's it.
00:02:22
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But I got a chance to
00:02:23
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really connect with some people that I've been wanting to connect with for a while and almost feel like I covered all my bases with the friends that were in attendance that I really wanted to connect with.
00:02:33
Speaker
So I've got a lot of gratitude for that, for just solidifying connections and friendships.
00:02:37
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It felt really good to wake up this morning in that space.
00:02:40
Speaker
Okay, okay, okay.
00:02:41
Speaker
I'm going to give gratitude for the same thing.
00:02:43
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I was at the same gathering.
00:02:45
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But what I'm grateful for is that those gatherings have ripples and that this connection right now, this conversation we're having right now,
00:02:54
Speaker
is a direct effect of us having the three of us connecting at a similar gathering in the past when we just realized how nourishing it was to be connecting and having these conversations and how much we wanted to, you know, quite honestly share them.
00:03:08
Speaker
So I'm grateful for the gathering this weekend and the reminder of how much wisdom and compassion there are coming from the people that I love and in my life and how blessed we are to be able to record it and share it with the world.
00:03:22
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Indeed.
00:03:25
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Love that.
00:03:26
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Yes, this is where Stay Sparked came from because the three of us were having these amazing conversations at these gatherings.
00:03:33
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And one day Halstian said, we should start recording these conversations.
00:03:37
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And so here we are getting to share our sparks of inspiration with you guys out there.
00:03:41
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So thanks for listening.
00:03:43
Speaker
Yeah.
Personal Experiences with Depression
00:03:44
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And today we wanted to talk about
00:03:47
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How to hold space and be a good friend when someone is going through struggles, when they're experiencing depression and having a tough time.
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And it can be very difficult to know what to do and know how to be there for people.
00:04:06
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in comforting ways.
00:04:07
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So I want to first wanted to check with you two and see if depression is something that you have identified as experiencing or being a depressed person at any point in your life.
00:04:19
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What about you, Betsy?
00:04:20
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Betsy Lester You know, I
00:04:25
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First time experience depression through witnessing my dad.
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So my dad was clinically depressed when I was a teenager.
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And so I got to witness what it looked like.
00:04:37
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Back then, it was not so commonly referred to as clinical depression.
00:04:43
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He wasn't diagnosed, but he essentially was.
00:04:47
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And so I had an opportunity to learn about it then.
00:04:51
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And it was really challenging to be around it because I didn't know what to do, what to say, how to be.
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And so I kind of avoided him in that because I just wanted to give him space.
00:05:05
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And looking back, you know, I wish I would have known what to do when living with somebody who is going through such a hard time.
00:05:14
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Personally, in my own experience, I've had small bouts of depression, usually very short-lived, not to the depths of what my dad experienced or what I know many people have experienced.
00:05:27
Speaker
Thankfully, I have gotten to a place in my life where I'm
00:05:31
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I practice things that cultivate a sense of joy and upliftment and awareness of myself.
00:05:39
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And so if I know that I have something going on that could kind of draw me into a downward spiral, I know at this stage of my life what to do and how to soothe myself and move through challenging feelings such as depression.
00:05:56
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So thankfully, I'm in a really good space.
00:06:01
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And that's been my relationship personally with depression.
00:06:06
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I hope we get a chance to talk about some of those things and maybe some of the appropriate ways to share those a little bit later.
00:06:12
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But Yanis, curious if you have any experience with depression.
00:06:16
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Yes.
00:06:18
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I would say I definitely have been around people experiencing that.
00:06:24
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I've been in relationship with people experiencing that and have had my own moments of that.
00:06:29
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Thankfully, like Betsy, these bouts of my own experiences of depression.
00:06:35
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have been pretty short-lived.
00:06:37
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I've been able to cultivate practices to kind of get me out of those ruts, so to speak, and those spirals.
00:06:45
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I've been able to kind of catch myself getting into those places, and I've been able to successfully, to varying degrees, pull myself out in a relatively short time, and have since cultivated
00:07:00
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you know, practices that kind of keep me, you know, keep some equilibrium in my life.
00:07:03
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So I don't really have to experience that.
00:07:05
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Thankfully, so, so much these days.
00:07:08
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And yeah, then, um,
00:07:10
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been around people and been in relationship with people experiencing that.
00:07:13
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And so have had some experience and quickly, quickly learned that some things there's, there's ways to support and be a friend to the, to, you know, someone that, you know, he's experiencing that or someone who's reaching out and while also realizing that we need to, for, you know, for want of a better term to kind of stay in our lane with that.
00:07:35
Speaker
And we could get into that later as far as like how to, how to show up for our friends.
00:07:39
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And I think it's different for different people.
00:07:42
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And so it's a tread lightly to find that path.
00:07:45
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But first of all, I'll share that I was medicated for anxiety and depression for over 10 years.
00:07:51
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I've been off pharmaceuticals for over 10 years, but found a
00:07:57
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medication and pharmaceuticals to be a very important and helpful part of my journey.
00:08:02
Speaker
And so while I am very grateful that it is not a part of my current day-to-day life, it is also something that I do not dismiss or consider to be any sort of weakness or ineffective or secondary way to deal with what I believe to be a very legitimate chemical challenge that many of us have.
00:08:27
Speaker
I currently, when I experienced depression, I try to label it as a funk because part of my journey with depression and through it was recognizing that it was a temporary chapter and it was a temporary experience, even if I didn't feel that way.
00:08:46
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And that maybe, maybe I'll start with that as my personal experience.
00:08:49
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One of the things that helped me through it, not through it, helped me to get to a different
00:08:54
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relationship with that part of myself was
00:09:00
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recognizing that when you're in a place of depression, and I'll say, this is me, but often when I talk to people, it is not something you are experiencing.
00:09:11
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It is not something where you feel like you're having thoughts like, oh, I feel high.
00:09:15
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I feel dizzy.
00:09:16
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No, the world sucks.
00:09:17
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And you are terrible at everything, which is a very different thing than feeling like something is happening to you, which is sometimes when you see a friend in that place, like, oh, my friend is
00:09:28
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Something is happening to them.
00:09:29
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But when you're in it, it doesn't feel that way at all.
00:09:32
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And so if someone tries to convince you or tell you that something is happening, it feels so insulting to be told what you're experiencing is temporary.
00:09:42
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Or if you do these things, it'll go away.
00:09:45
Speaker
Because when you're there, it's not something that goes away.
00:09:48
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It's the way the world is.
00:09:50
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And so this isn't about how to fix our depression, but I'll say that that I think is a helpful way to go into maybe how can we relate to somebody that isn't a tough time.
00:10:02
Speaker
So do you want to maybe start us with that, Betsy?
Supporting Friends in Depression
00:10:05
Speaker
Sure.
00:10:07
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Yeah, I have had many friends that have been in it.
00:10:12
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And I really cherish creating a sacred space for the people that I love to be authentic in how they're feeling.
00:10:21
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And what I've noticed is that the more that there is a loving, accepting
00:10:29
Speaker
place for them to come to, the more easeful it is to transcend and to grow through it.
00:10:39
Speaker
And it's taken some time to be able to create that dialogue, to let my friends know that if they're ever in a dark place, that they can reach out to me from that place and not feel like if they're reaching out, it's only to be joy and bring light.
00:10:59
Speaker
because I find that that's been one of the things is that, you know, when going through something like that, there's a tendency to isolate and kind of feel fearful for reaching out, even though it's like, you know, we really need each other in those moments.
00:11:16
Speaker
Those are the moments when
00:11:17
Speaker
a loving friend can just help just to be there.
00:11:22
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So I'll give an example.
00:11:25
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I had this relationship with a friend of mine who she was battling very deep depression and brain inflammation.
00:11:32
Speaker
And she went off her antidepressants too rapidly and it was really difficult for her.
00:11:38
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And one of the things that I got to be for her is that she would call me and she would say, Hey, Betsy, can you just remind me of who I am?
00:11:48
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because she knew that I saw her in her fullness and all of the many facets of who she is.
00:11:56
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And I loved that she had the courage
00:11:58
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to just ask me that question.
00:12:00
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Can you just remind me of who I am?
00:12:02
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Because in those moments of darkness, she couldn't see.
00:12:06
Speaker
She was in a cloud.
00:12:08
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And so I got to just say, Hey, I see you.
00:12:13
Speaker
I know that you are a beautiful dancer and lover of the earth.
00:12:18
Speaker
And I know you to be an amazing friend who loves all the people in your life.
00:12:23
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And those simple things like
00:12:25
Speaker
when I would talk to her and share those things, she would just soften and her breath would deepen and we would just like gaze into each other's eyes sometimes in a video chat.
00:12:37
Speaker
And so those are some simple things that I have really learned to just share with my friends.
00:12:43
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If there's a moment where it's challenging, that it's okay to reach out and ask for
00:12:49
Speaker
some connection and just ask simply, can you just remind me who I am?
00:12:53
Speaker
Right.
00:12:54
Speaker
My personal experience with the, um, small moments of going into depressions, that's kind of what it has felt like.
00:13:01
Speaker
I, I can't remember who I am.
00:13:02
Speaker
Like, where did I go?
00:13:04
Speaker
And it just feels like this density around me.
00:13:07
Speaker
And I know that I have tools to get out of it, but I can't see them.
00:13:11
Speaker
I can't reach for them.
00:13:12
Speaker
There's this weight on me.
00:13:14
Speaker
And so having people in my life is
00:13:17
Speaker
essential part of being able to move through these kind of challenges.
00:13:22
Speaker
It's so beautiful.
00:13:25
Speaker
And I think that you hit on something important too, is that she asks you for this.
00:13:32
Speaker
And before that, you have to set the understanding that it's something that you can give to her.
00:13:37
Speaker
So I think, you know,
00:13:38
Speaker
It's a very big difference saying, if you would like me to share with you the way I see you or the way, who you are, and then let that person ask when they need it is very different than when someone is telling you, I suck, I never do anything.
00:13:54
Speaker
And especially if they're saying, I always and never, if someone is saying, I always do this, I never do this, like, okay, you are in it.
00:13:59
Speaker
But if someone is giving you their depressed definition of who they are and you try to argue with them,
00:14:08
Speaker
my experience is if you tell me, no, you do great, everyone loves you, you do this, you're so good, all I wanna do is dig in and argue for why I suck.
00:14:16
Speaker
And in doing so, I build up my reasoning.
00:14:20
Speaker
By the end of our conversation, I feel way worse about myself because I have now forced myself to think of reasons why I'm even worse.
00:14:27
Speaker
So it's a really delicate thing of making the support available and not pushing it when someone has already got their wall up too tight.
00:14:38
Speaker
And it's that is an important distinction is because we yeah, we need to realize that we're we can be friends to people, we can be friends to our friends and we can be a source of support.
00:14:50
Speaker
And it's really easy to say the wrong thing, quote unquote, to the friends who who more often than not just need to be heard.
00:14:59
Speaker
uh we don't they don't they're not necessarily looking for advice or wisdom sometimes they're like you know remind me of who i am and we can be there for that if it's a specific request but yes like housing saying to like argue against their position it it spurs them into a direction that is decidedly unhelpful so it's important and also i want to touch on the the
00:15:23
Speaker
The way to ask for these things as well is if we're the ones who are feeling the, you know, the bout of depression or anxiety or whatever it is, we're not feeling our best.
00:15:34
Speaker
When we're checking in with a friend,
00:15:36
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If we can remember to ask if they have the bandwidth, if they have the energy, if they have the space for us to have this conversation.
00:15:44
Speaker
Because a lot of times people reach out to us or we reach out to people and they're not in that space for that.
00:15:50
Speaker
They're busy.
00:15:50
Speaker
They're just not mentally...
00:15:54
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in that space to drop in with us.
00:15:57
Speaker
And a lot of times, like, you know, we can call and be like, well, you know, we start in with something and then there's like, they're, you know, they're unequipped.
00:16:04
Speaker
And that in that moment, I think it's important during the ask to
00:16:11
Speaker
You know, to ask like, hey, do you have a few minutes to drop in with me and kind of remind me who I am or how we can have this discussion or can I vent about this thing?
00:16:20
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And if we're in that space, then fantastic.
00:16:23
Speaker
And if not, we can be like, hey, not right now, but can I call you in an hour?
00:16:26
Speaker
Can I call you tonight?
00:16:27
Speaker
Whatever.
00:16:28
Speaker
That is even that like people knowing that they have a resource, even if you can't happen in that moment.
00:16:34
Speaker
can be really effective, positively effective for them, knowing that they have people out there.
00:16:40
Speaker
And also going back to the idea that when people reach out,
00:16:46
Speaker
They just want to be heard.
00:16:48
Speaker
So sometimes they just want to vent about, oh, I'm feeling this way and life sucks and my world is falling apart, so on and so forth.
00:16:55
Speaker
And you can, instead of trying to convince them that their world is not falling apart, something along the lines like, I hear you.
00:17:01
Speaker
That sounds terrible.
00:17:03
Speaker
I agree.
00:17:03
Speaker
So what...
00:17:06
Speaker
avenues do you have like what's good so what's good in your life everything certainly everything can be terrible like what's what's a good thing in your life and just kind of have the dialogue instead of trying to convince them you simply keep asking questions and kind of get them back to
00:17:22
Speaker
And these are not skills that you need to be a skilled therapist to acquire.
00:17:28
Speaker
You're just being a friend.
00:17:30
Speaker
And friends listen.
00:17:31
Speaker
Friends witness.
00:17:32
Speaker
Friends are just there.
00:17:33
Speaker
It's just a presence.
00:17:35
Speaker
You're offering presence in the world.
00:17:36
Speaker
So we can all do that without trying to kind of overstep what we're capable of doing.
Listening & Being Present
00:17:44
Speaker
Yeah, I think that point in the conversation where you go from listen to ask is very delicate.
00:17:52
Speaker
There's a saying that unsolicited advice is criticism.
00:17:58
Speaker
And I think it's really important to recognize that most of the time, if somebody is telling you something that they're struggling with or is hurting them or they're complaining about,
00:18:10
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they want just to be heard.
00:18:13
Speaker
And so if you are going to transition the conversation into fixing it or wanting to offer advice, you really need to get consent for that.
00:18:26
Speaker
And I think that even making sure you leave enough silence for someone to finish speaking or continue speaking, really watching
00:18:36
Speaker
what is my role in this?
00:18:38
Speaker
And it can be that can be your challenge as a listener, because so many of us have this wiring.
00:18:43
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We want to help the people we love.
00:18:45
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And you might pop into your head.
00:18:46
Speaker
Oh, I had this experience that is so similar.
00:18:48
Speaker
Let me just tell them this because it's going to help.
00:18:51
Speaker
Not if they don't want to hear it.
00:18:53
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If they don't, it's just going to make them feel guilty that they have not been able to take that same action or do that same thing.
00:18:58
Speaker
And now you've given them one more reason why they suck.
00:19:02
Speaker
So it's really delicate.
00:19:05
Speaker
yeah yes you know we're talking about the art of listening once again and last week we actually our stay sparked was about the socializing and this is it right how do we learn how to effectively listen and observe somebody in a state without trying to fix i know personally i have shared moments where i'm stressed about something and my friend just listens and then i come to my own realization
00:19:33
Speaker
about whatever it was that I was stressing about just from them listening and the term prosody, right?
00:19:39
Speaker
The gentle nodding, the just eye contact, the presence from somebody who cares really has an impact.
00:19:49
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you know, and just being from a place of love without trying to fix is so powerful.
00:19:55
Speaker
And also like letting someone know that we're here.
00:19:58
Speaker
So I recently had a friend who lost her father and I know she's, she's going through it and she's going internal and she's in her process.
00:20:08
Speaker
And so I decided to just send her a quick little message that said, Hey, I'm thinking of you.
00:20:14
Speaker
I love you so much.
00:20:15
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I'm right here just sending you beams of love and light as you get through this grieving process.
00:20:22
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And she replied back and she said, your voice, just hearing your voice just felt like a really warm hug.
00:20:28
Speaker
Thank you for letting me know that you're holding me from a distance.
00:20:32
Speaker
You know, it's really so powerful.
00:20:34
Speaker
especially because one of the things I've noticed, especially over the last couple of years with the pandemic and just a lot of challenges that we've all gone through, is there can be a tendency for people to just withdraw fully and then you just don't see them for a month, a couple months, maybe a year, and then maybe
00:20:56
Speaker
They're gone.
00:20:57
Speaker
You know, there's people that have committed suicide.
00:20:59
Speaker
The suicide rate has gone up over the last few years.
00:21:03
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And so to track and check in with these people, even a little memo saying, Hey, just thinking about you sending you love.
00:21:11
Speaker
And that can really make a positive difference in someone's life who may be just going inward and going into those dark places.
00:21:19
Speaker
And then, you know, what I've heard also is that when you go into those dark places of isolation and you start thinking, well, nobody really cares about me.
00:21:27
Speaker
Nobody ever reaches out to me.
00:21:29
Speaker
This is so hard.
00:21:30
Speaker
I have to do it all by myself.
00:21:32
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Right.
00:21:32
Speaker
And those little check-ins can make somebody shift just even just a little bit.
00:21:38
Speaker
Right.
00:21:39
Speaker
And so I feel like, yeah, being a good friend simply by reaching out and saying, hey, I'm thinking of you.
00:21:44
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I love you.
00:21:45
Speaker
I want to highlight the wisdom of the words that you used specifically.
00:21:50
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I'm thinking about you because there's no ask with that.
00:21:55
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You say, how are you doing?
00:21:57
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you know, you're kind of putting an obligation on that person to tell you something or this is, you know, whether it's depression, grief, people going through a health issue, you know, some people, it can feel like a real burden to have a lot of people reaching out and asking how you're doing.
00:22:12
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And, and it feels like just one more thing that I don't have energy for, but just a, how are you doing?
00:22:18
Speaker
Or even I send people hugs.
00:22:19
Speaker
Just, I write paren, paren, hug and paren and paren, like, or heart because, you know,
00:22:26
Speaker
What I'm really saying is I'm thinking about you.
00:22:29
Speaker
When someone is going through something really tough, there are no words that are going to fix it.
00:22:34
Speaker
You know, you're not wise enough.
00:22:36
Speaker
It's just not, you just don't, it's, that's not the energy that someone really needs.
00:22:40
Speaker
Now, if you're in conversation or if you're in someone's presence, you might find the flow in your feelings towards them.
00:22:48
Speaker
You might be able to give words that really mean something.
00:22:51
Speaker
But I think people often struggle, especially when someone shares a loss.
00:22:56
Speaker
you know, what do you what do I write in the card?
00:22:58
Speaker
I would say, don't worry about it.
00:23:01
Speaker
What matters is that they know that you're thinking about them.
00:23:04
Speaker
And if you can do it so in a way that doesn't have a add to their burden, that's that's way better than than asking a lot.
00:23:11
Speaker
Oh, and also as far as the sometimes asking a lot is even asking, what can I do for you?
00:23:18
Speaker
You know, people it's a common thing to say, let me know if I can do anything.
00:23:24
Speaker
And that in of itself is saying, I need you to spend some energy and think about something and figure something out and plan it so that I can do that for you, which is way too much if people are really struggling.
00:23:35
Speaker
There's a number of things I've seen people do of, you know, you can...
00:23:40
Speaker
offer to bring a meal.
00:23:41
Speaker
You can also bring a meal into Tupperware and say, are you available to eat this with me now?
00:23:47
Speaker
Or should I, can I just leave it for you?
00:23:51
Speaker
You can buy people a meal delivery service, just a credit say, Hey, whenever you need it, don't cook, just order a meal on me.
00:23:59
Speaker
I've also talked to someone who just said,
00:24:03
Speaker
I will never take you up on an offer, but if you show up at my door and say, would you like me to sit with you?
00:24:11
Speaker
That would mean the world to me.
00:24:13
Speaker
I've never done that, but it's like, because I feel like, Ooh, I don't want to impose, but I think that can be done in a way where you can ask where no is an absolutely acceptable answer.
00:24:23
Speaker
In fact, maybe even say that with the, Hey, I'm in the neighborhood.
00:24:27
Speaker
Would you be up for me just sitting with you?
00:24:29
Speaker
And absolutely.
00:24:30
Speaker
Okay.
00:24:31
Speaker
If you say no.
00:24:33
Speaker
Yeah.
00:24:33
Speaker
Thank you for that.
00:24:34
Speaker
So true.
00:24:35
Speaker
And it goes right back to what Yannis was saying around stay in your lane, be mindful, right?
00:24:40
Speaker
Because some of the things that we share, especially what you just said, housing around, let me know if there's anything I can do for you.
00:24:48
Speaker
I know.
00:24:49
Speaker
And then my dad died.
00:24:50
Speaker
Everybody said that.
00:24:52
Speaker
And I was like, ah, I don't know.
00:24:54
Speaker
I don't know what you can do for me.
00:24:56
Speaker
It sounds like support.
00:24:58
Speaker
They're offering support, but I don't know what I need.
00:25:01
Speaker
And so recently my own learning and implementation from that is I had a friend who lost his wife unexpectedly, which was really hard.
00:25:12
Speaker
And there was a group of people that were like, hey, let's get him some food.
00:25:19
Speaker
And I checked in with him and he was like, I can't eat right now.
00:25:23
Speaker
This is not helpful.
00:25:24
Speaker
Now my fridge is filled with all this food and it's rotting and I have to take care of it and I don't want food.
00:25:29
Speaker
I can barely eat.
00:25:31
Speaker
And so we checked in and we're like, would massage be helpful for you?
00:25:35
Speaker
And he said, yes, I would love massage.
00:25:38
Speaker
And so we created a meal train.
00:25:41
Speaker
You know what a meal train is, right?
00:25:43
Speaker
Where when someone needs that support, but we did it with massages for like two months.
00:25:49
Speaker
We had all these different healers and body workers and even just friends that would come over and just hold him.
00:25:55
Speaker
He needed touch.
00:25:56
Speaker
And so we created that meal train for him, the massage train for him.
00:26:00
Speaker
And it was really beautiful.
00:26:02
Speaker
He was receptive to it.
00:26:03
Speaker
He didn't ask for it.
00:26:05
Speaker
He would never ask for that.
00:26:06
Speaker
He wouldn't say, hey, can everyone come over and massage me for free?
00:26:10
Speaker
No, we got to come to that place of recognizing that there was a need for that.
00:26:15
Speaker
And it was so beautiful.
00:26:17
Speaker
And then also something insightful that just came from talking to another friend who lost his wife.
00:26:23
Speaker
He said that after she died, a lot of people were saying, hey, I'm keeping you in my prayers.
00:26:31
Speaker
I'm going to pray for you.
00:26:33
Speaker
And he took that as an insult.
00:26:35
Speaker
He got angry from hearing that for some reason, it just really didn't land for him because he needed people to come over and give him a hug, you know, and he wasn't able to say that in those moments because of course we're being kind saying, Hey, I'm going to pray for you, but really he needed something else.
00:26:53
Speaker
So how can we start thinking more expansively on how to support and be more, um,
00:27:01
Speaker
creative in our ways to help people that are going through things.
00:27:05
Speaker
Like you said, like, can I reach out and say, hey, I'd love to come over and give you a hug.
00:27:10
Speaker
Are you available for that?
00:27:11
Speaker
Would that be okay for me to stop by later today and give you a hug?
00:27:16
Speaker
Yeah, which is a lot different than do you need a hug?
00:27:19
Speaker
Because the phrasing of do you need anything?
00:27:24
Speaker
My answer is I don't need anything.
00:27:26
Speaker
You know, so I've had someone say, hey, do you need any help over there as I'm carrying something super heavy?
00:27:30
Speaker
I'm like, no, I'm good.
00:27:32
Speaker
Are you sure you don't need any help?
00:27:33
Speaker
I'm good.
00:27:34
Speaker
And then they said, is there anything I could do to make that task easier?
00:27:39
Speaker
I was like, oh, yes, actually, that would.
00:27:43
Speaker
Yes.
00:27:44
Speaker
OK, I can receive that.
00:27:47
Speaker
Yeah, it's the phrasing and the delivery that kind of makes all the difference with that.
00:27:53
Speaker
It's not like, do you need any help with that?
00:27:56
Speaker
Or it's frankly, just switch it and be like, let me help you with that.
00:28:00
Speaker
Or let me offer you some help with that.
00:28:01
Speaker
And that is going to be much easier received than to ask, essentially.
00:28:08
Speaker
And when in the reaching out, it's also, there's also levels to that.
00:28:12
Speaker
We can send, when we know somebody is like having a difficult time with whatever they're having a difficult time with, we can send a text or we can send a voice message.
00:28:23
Speaker
It doesn't have to be a call, but it could be just a simple little voice memo being like, hi, thinking about you, just wanted you to know that you were my thoughts.
00:28:31
Speaker
I'm here for you.
00:28:32
Speaker
Please feel free to reach out anytime.
00:28:34
Speaker
Because in a text, we can kind of layer our own interpretation of that and we can kind of fill in the blanks with that because text is really, there's a lot of aspects of communication that are missing in text.
00:28:46
Speaker
A voice message has a lot more.
00:28:48
Speaker
You can hear the nuance in somebody's voice.
00:28:50
Speaker
You can actually hear the compassion and love in somebody's voice when they're
00:28:54
Speaker
when it's there, when it's present, that you might not get in text.
00:28:57
Speaker
And then a level above that would be even a little video message, 10 second message.
00:29:01
Speaker
Hi, you know, hi friend, just thinking about you.
00:29:04
Speaker
I want to send you some love today and please feel free to reach out anytime you want to connect, so on and so forth.
00:29:10
Speaker
There's levels to that.
00:29:12
Speaker
And also something that is within the realm of things we can offer and things we can do for ourselves when we're experiencing something is the idea of a pattern interrupt.
Creative Support & Pattern Interrupts
00:29:24
Speaker
because it's really easy to get caught up in a cycle that is just like a even not a downward spiral.
00:29:32
Speaker
Sometimes it is a downward spiral, but sometimes it just we're like, it's just us spinning our wheels and not really making any motion to get out of our situation or our friends are doing the same thing.
00:29:42
Speaker
So what can we offer for that?
00:29:44
Speaker
Like Betsy is talking about something like like a massage train.
00:29:48
Speaker
very much out of the realm of somebody's experience, but that can help to kind of break the pattern and the kind of looping thoughts that somebody would get by, you know, going through a difficult experience.
00:30:01
Speaker
And we can do that for ourselves by, okay, if this, if hiking is not something I do, how about I just walk around the block for, you know, a moment or go on a hike or just, we have to do something different.
00:30:12
Speaker
Um, even if it's something we don't normally do, and it doesn't have to be that long.
00:30:14
Speaker
It could be a 10 minute
00:30:16
Speaker
saunter on something.
00:30:18
Speaker
Um, so we can, um, do something different, offer something different that, you know, is different for your friend.
00:30:25
Speaker
And oftentimes that can be the impetus to get things, get the ball rolling and get us, get us moving in a direction that is, um, more helpful, more, uh, more at peace of getting us to a place that's more at peace.
00:30:38
Speaker
So true.
00:30:39
Speaker
Yeah.
00:30:40
Speaker
Yes.
00:30:41
Speaker
You know, mental health is a very real thing.
00:30:44
Speaker
it is a very prevalent issue.
00:30:49
Speaker
There's even Mental Health Awareness Month, which I just found out is in May.
00:30:53
Speaker
And so I feel like at this day and age, it is even more important to keep taking our mental health vitamins, right?
00:31:02
Speaker
Here we are getting to
00:31:04
Speaker
share some of the things that we're passionate about.
00:31:06
Speaker
I know the three of us have been tending to our mental health and we started off this conversation, um, just sharing some of the ways that we stay uplifted and we stay inspired and aware of where those, uh, triggers for downward spiral are.
Mental Health Practices & Influences
00:31:22
Speaker
And so maybe we can share some of those things that we do individually, um, to keep riding the spiral upward and to be able to, um,
00:31:33
Speaker
you stay aware, right?
00:31:35
Speaker
And so for me personally, when I notice some feelings of doubt or sadness or anxiety or just like hermiting, what I tend to do is check in with my basic needs.
00:31:54
Speaker
I know it sounds really simple, but sometimes those simple things make a really big difference.
00:32:00
Speaker
So I check in around how I've been eating.
00:32:03
Speaker
You know, have I been getting balanced diet?
00:32:06
Speaker
Have I been eating greens and real wholesome foods?
00:32:10
Speaker
Or have I been eating fried foods and a lot of white food?
00:32:14
Speaker
Have I been getting the rainbow of food in my diet?
00:32:18
Speaker
And that's usually the first place I check because, well, we become what we eat, right?
00:32:24
Speaker
Then hydration.
00:32:25
Speaker
Have I been staying hydrated?
00:32:27
Speaker
Have I been really getting enough water?
00:32:30
Speaker
Movement.
00:32:31
Speaker
That's a huge one for my mental health.
00:32:34
Speaker
I notice if I start lagging and I start just kind of like looking down on all the situations or not having the positive outlook that I want to have, then I check in.
00:32:45
Speaker
Have I been moving?
00:32:47
Speaker
Oh my gosh, I haven't danced for like a week.
00:32:51
Speaker
It's like, oh, wow.
00:32:51
Speaker
Okay, let me put my headphones on and let me go outside and let me dance.
00:32:55
Speaker
Because dance is my vitamin.
00:32:58
Speaker
That is like such an important thing for me.
00:33:01
Speaker
And a lot of people may be running, maybe yoga, maybe boxing, maybe whatever kind of movement, right?
00:33:07
Speaker
So I consider...
00:33:09
Speaker
the stagnation in the body right there's uh there's no movement then there's the energy doesn't flow the lymph doesn't flow the blood doesn't flow right movement helps bring more oxygen to the brain it helps produce endorphins and oxytocin so those are three basics right the the food the water and the movement are some of the things that are my mental vitamins mental health vitamins
00:33:36
Speaker
Yeah, Betsy pretty much took everything I was going to say about that.
00:33:42
Speaker
But it's worth reiterating, frankly, because what we eat has – I've learned that what we eat and what we put into our bodies has a profound effect on our mental state and our mental well-being.
00:33:57
Speaker
And really, when I find that I have these low moments mentally or emotionally or whatever –
00:34:02
Speaker
I can almost every time directly correlate it to what I have been eating and just as importantly, what I have not been eating.
00:34:08
Speaker
And so really that should be one of our first things to look at.
00:34:12
Speaker
It's like, okay, so how, how have I been eating?
00:34:14
Speaker
What am I putting in my body?
00:34:15
Speaker
And that, not to toot my own horn, but the, that's how the, my company kind of came, came about was like, okay, how do I improve my, my,
00:34:24
Speaker
my mental state and my state of mind nutritionally and it's not always easy to eat all the things that you need so how can i make it this easy so taking things like lion's mane mushroom and adding some other nutrients to that has really helped um to improve my state of mind and was able to kind of share that with friends and share that with the public and then turn into a whole business so um but that's been that has been quite effective so and leap connecting to that you know the idea of you know sometimes
00:34:54
Speaker
You know, sometimes medication, pharmaceutical medications is a thing that we need, which has a, what's the word I'm looking for?
00:35:03
Speaker
Stigma attached to it.
00:35:05
Speaker
And it should have a stigma attached to it the same way that life preservers have a stigma attached to them, which means that it shouldn't.
00:35:12
Speaker
Sometimes you need a life preserver so that you can keep your head above water and you're
00:35:17
Speaker
you're not, this doesn't mean you're going to be walking around with a life preserver everywhere you go, but they have their place.
00:35:22
Speaker
And it's, it's important to recognize that, uh, if it's, you know, if you've got to call them the big guns, sometimes that's what we got to do.
00:35:29
Speaker
Uh, so kind of release any sort of attached stigma to that.
00:35:33
Speaker
Um, and one more thing about the movement that Betsy was relating to, I had a,
00:35:40
Speaker
moment i was uh having some challenges just a challenging moment in life and dancing around my house is not something i normally do but i decided like okay i need to do something i need to move my body around and so i just put on some music started dancing and quickly got into a place where i was so like
00:35:56
Speaker
I don't feel like dancing.
00:35:58
Speaker
And I just like sat down on the couch and broke down and started crying.
00:36:02
Speaker
Everything's terrible.
00:36:03
Speaker
But what I needed to do was get it out.
00:36:06
Speaker
And so dancing was the impetus to move around.
00:36:09
Speaker
I don't feel like dancing.
00:36:10
Speaker
Everything's terrible.
00:36:11
Speaker
And just like cried it out for like 10 or 15 minutes.
00:36:15
Speaker
And at the end of that, I was like, oh, my God, I feel so much better.
00:36:17
Speaker
And so it wasn't the dancing that helped me feel better.
00:36:20
Speaker
I just needed to purge, frankly, and get that, get those emotions, get that feeling out.
00:36:25
Speaker
Dancing was the impetus to that.
00:36:26
Speaker
And so afterwards it was like, oh, that was just the thing I needed.
00:36:29
Speaker
I danced for maybe 30 seconds, but it allowed me to out and then came out of the other end of that.
00:36:34
Speaker
Like, ah, so it goes back to the idea of a pattern interrupt, do something different.
00:36:38
Speaker
And that will, even if that thing is uncomfortable, it will get you to a place that is uncomfortable.
00:36:44
Speaker
comfortable, hopefully more comfortable.
00:36:46
Speaker
So, so yeah, so just all the things Betsy is saying, diet, exercise, movement, you know, shake, shake things up.
00:36:53
Speaker
That's, that's often the, just the key for what we need.
00:36:57
Speaker
Nice.
00:36:57
Speaker
I'm going to share when I don't have it in me to shake it up
Accepting & Managing Moods
00:37:03
Speaker
and dance.
00:37:03
Speaker
If I'm in a place where I am
00:37:06
Speaker
If I can recognize that I'm using language like always and never to explain things that aren't good, if I can give myself permission and recognition that, oh, I am in a funk right now and allow myself that feeling, it breaks the spiraling pattern of...
00:37:23
Speaker
having negative thoughts versus judging myself for having negative thoughts.
00:37:28
Speaker
Because it's a big difference to sit in darkness versus sitting in darkness and think I'm such a fricking loser because I can't get out of this or I can't stop.
00:37:39
Speaker
I can't get off the couch.
00:37:40
Speaker
I can't dance.
00:37:40
Speaker
Like what's wrong with me?
00:37:42
Speaker
Like that is the spiral that is so hard to get out of that.
00:37:45
Speaker
People have so much time pulling you out of it.
00:37:47
Speaker
But if I can, if you can,
00:37:49
Speaker
say it's okay.
00:37:50
Speaker
Yeah, this is the roller coaster of being a human.
00:37:53
Speaker
One of my favorite words is humaning.
00:37:56
Speaker
Ah, I'm humaning right now.
00:37:58
Speaker
So this isn't me failing.
00:38:00
Speaker
This isn't me sucking.
00:38:01
Speaker
This is me doing what I do as a human.
00:38:05
Speaker
And even if I just want to watch TV, if I want to even eat ice cream,
00:38:09
Speaker
maybe even two pints in a night, I'm allowed to do that because that's how I'm not going to do it every night, not forever.
00:38:16
Speaker
But until I decide that that's not what I need in this moment.
00:38:19
Speaker
And if I can just let myself have that, then the funk ends much quicker.
00:38:25
Speaker
So true acceptance, right?
00:38:27
Speaker
Because when we can recognize this universal truth that everything is changing,
00:38:32
Speaker
always everything's changing, changing, changing.
00:38:35
Speaker
Everything is impermanent, right?
00:38:37
Speaker
This too will pass to be able to come to that place of acceptance for where we are and every moment and trusting that something is going to change one day, then that does help to create that breath, right?
00:38:54
Speaker
It's such an important thing.
00:38:56
Speaker
And one of the other things I want to add on to that's a spark for me is environment.
00:39:02
Speaker
You know, in the groups that I lead, I'm teaching people how to shift their inner and outer environments.
00:39:11
Speaker
So if we have clutter everywhere, whether that's like piles of things in our house or our device is cluttered, then our mental capacity is likely going to be cluttered.
00:39:24
Speaker
cluttered.
00:39:25
Speaker
And so I know for me personally, if I have stuff everywhere or I have things to tend to that it just, it just feels overwhelming.
00:39:34
Speaker
And then I just feel this constriction within myself.
00:39:37
Speaker
And it's really difficult for me to feel relaxed, especially at home, right?
00:39:41
Speaker
Because home is a sanctuary.
00:39:42
Speaker
And if our home environment is all messed up, then we might feel that.
00:39:49
Speaker
Whereas Feng Shui, right?
00:39:51
Speaker
There's this ancient art form called Feng Shui.
00:39:54
Speaker
that shows the impact of when we have our house in a certain order, then it impacts how we feel and the way that we move through life.
00:40:02
Speaker
And so tending to our outer environment through our home, our closets, our car, our offices, that's really powerful.
00:40:10
Speaker
And then the inner environment, right?
00:40:12
Speaker
Is the food, the water, what is the media that we're taking in?
00:40:16
Speaker
What are the conversations that we're having?
00:40:18
Speaker
What's the type of music that we're listening to?
00:40:21
Speaker
It's all frequency.
00:40:22
Speaker
right?
00:40:23
Speaker
It's consuming, it's drinking in frequency of music and media is a really big one too.
00:40:29
Speaker
Watching tons of news or, you know, scrolling through feeds that make us feel insecure about who we are, then of course, it's going to have a ripple effect on how we move through our day.
00:40:41
Speaker
And so modifying what we're taking in, what we're drinking in,
00:40:46
Speaker
Like for me, I like to use the spa channel on XM radio.
00:40:52
Speaker
Sometimes if I'm driving somewhere, if I'm feeling rushed, I'll put the soothing music on and then it's like, oh, I'm so much calmer now.
00:41:02
Speaker
Right?
00:41:03
Speaker
And so these simple practices to shift our inner and outer environment can really make big differences.
00:41:11
Speaker
Love that.
00:41:12
Speaker
Yeah.
00:41:12
Speaker
When we're talking about our diet, it's way more than just what we eat.
00:41:16
Speaker
It's all the things that we take in.
Closing Affirmations & Invites
00:41:22
Speaker
So if we're looking for more of you in the world, Betsy, where would we find that?
00:41:28
Speaker
Well, you can find me on Instagram, of course, at Betsy Who.
00:41:33
Speaker
I'm also on poweraffirmation.com.
00:41:36
Speaker
It is my company that has a journal that helps to inspire positive thinking while also reprogramming limiting beliefs.
00:41:45
Speaker
And so that is poweraffirmation.com.
00:41:48
Speaker
And you can use
00:41:49
Speaker
sparked in the discount code for 10% off your journal.
00:41:53
Speaker
And I also lead women's groups, guiding them through the writing process and reprogramming limiting beliefs and talking a lot about what we talked about today.
00:42:03
Speaker
Fantastic.
00:42:04
Speaker
How about you, Yanis?
00:42:07
Speaker
You can find me at...
00:42:09
Speaker
or find my offering to the world at newworldnutritionals.com.
00:42:14
Speaker
It is a lineup of nutritional supplements all focused on improving your focus and your mental state.
00:42:25
Speaker
It improves memory, learning, memory retention, improves your mood, helps a lot of people deal with symptoms of ADHD, PTSD even, and...
00:42:37
Speaker
Yeah, anxiety, depression, things like that.
00:42:39
Speaker
It's a good supplement to enable you to get yourself back on the right track or stay on the right track once you're there.
00:42:47
Speaker
So that's newworldnutritionals.com.
00:42:49
Speaker
You can use the code SPART for 10% off of any product.
00:42:53
Speaker
And I will say that I have used New World Nutritionals in conjunction with getting my diet in check and really felt like I got out of a funk much quicker than I would have without them.
00:43:04
Speaker
So thank you, Yunus.
00:43:06
Speaker
And I am available on Instagram at Halcyon Pink or the Hug Nation YouTube channel.
00:43:14
Speaker
And we can find all my links at links.hugnation.com.
00:43:20
Speaker
Betsy, would you just give us an affirmation to close us out?
00:43:25
Speaker
Yes, absolutely.
00:43:26
Speaker
Affirmations are a way to focus our minds so that way we can call in positive, uplifting feelings.
00:43:34
Speaker
And so we close our eyes, take a deep breath.
00:43:41
Speaker
Every day in every way I am becoming better and better.
00:43:46
Speaker
Every day in every way I am becoming stronger and stronger.
00:43:51
Speaker
Every day in every way I am becoming healthier and healthier.
00:43:55
Speaker
Every day in every way I am becoming better and better.
00:44:01
Speaker
Every day in every way I am becoming stronger and stronger.
00:44:06
Speaker
Every day in every way I am becoming healthier and healthier.
00:44:15
Speaker
Stay sparked, y'all.
00:44:16
Speaker
Thank you for listening.