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Autism At Christmas - Dealing with High Volume Social Events w/AutisticTyla
159 Plays5 years ago
How can an autistic person deal with holidays? How can you organise festive periods that suit you? Are there too many expectations during Christmas?
In this episode of the Thoughty Auti Podcast, Thomas talks to Tyla from the @AutisticTyla Instagram page about the difficulties of festive periods and the ways an autistic individual can cope with them.
Tyla is first and foremost a blogger with a passion for building communities and an intent to bring autistic individuals together. She makes content that appeals to young adults on the autistic spectrum and strives to offer important advice for 'adulting' in a confusing world.
We dive into the core issues and mindsets that make Christmas time a painful ordeal, talk about the ways an individual can cope with the expectations put on them, ponder over options for socialising if the company is craved, and finally highlight the key ways Tyla has improved her life.
If you have an exciting or interesting story and want to appear on the next Podcast, please contact me at: aspergersgrowth@gmail.com
Tyla’s Links:-
Instagram - https://www.instagram.com/autistictyla/
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Channel Merchandise - https://teespring.com/stores/aspergers-growth
Support via Patreon! - https://www.patreon.com/aspergersgrowth
Social Media ♥ -
☼ Facebook - Aspergers Growth
☼ Twitter/Instagram - @aspergersgrowth
♫ Listen On -
Spotify - https://open.spotify.com/show/6vjXgCB7Q3FwtQ2YqPjnEV
Apple Podcasts - https://podcasts.apple.com/gb/podcast/thoughty-auti-the-autism-mental-health-podcast/id1470689079
Music -
♫ Track: [Chill Music] Ikson - Reverie [No Copyright Music]
Advert Track: Empty Parking Lot - Colours Of Illusion [Epidemic Sound]
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Transcript
Introduction to the 40 Auti Podcast
00:00:07
Speaker
Good day, my lovely listeners. You are listening to the 40 Auti Podcast. Tune in every week to explore inspiring stories and insightful information that dive headfirst into the world of autism and mental health. With all those tantalizing tongue twisters out of the way, let's get into the show.
00:00:41
Speaker
Hello, everybody, and welcome back to another episode of the 40Audi podcast. It has been a long time, my friends, and I am sorry that I have not been uploading to my little podcast stream as usual. For anybody who's joining me for the first time, my name is Thomas Henley from the Asperger's Grove channel. I make videos on autism and mental health, and today we are doing a podcast on autism at Christmas time.
Meet Tyler: The Face Behind 'Adulting Autistic'
00:01:11
Speaker
I am joined with a very popular and a very cool social media influencer, adult autistic. Adulting autistic, close. Adulting autistic, nearly got it. Yeah, I see. But you may call her Tyler. Yeah, that's cool. How are you doing? I'm all right, thanks. How are you? Pretty good. Still recharging from the Christmas experience.
00:01:42
Speaker
Um, it has been a little bit, um, stressy over these Christmas times, you know, having to go about and meet, talk to family and constantly be surrounded by people. What did you get up to over Christmas?
00:01:58
Speaker
Um, mostly just preparing for Christmas day and a little bit of Christmas party with my family. My Nana is currently at home because she has dementia and we decided this year to bring her back. Oh, that's cute. Back home and I sort of watched over her for the day and she was, she did a lot better than I thought and so that made me very happy. But yeah, what did you get up to?
00:02:28
Speaker
I went round to my landers for Christmas dinner and then just chilled on the farm, then got dropped back here, had work to do the next day. So it wasn't really like a massive break for me. Straight back into work. Yeah, fully. I'm a special needs teacher so I can wait until January. Oh, that seems to be a nice break. Yeah. No, I've been in any day that's not about holiday.
00:02:57
Speaker
A lot of work to do then. Yeah, I bet. Okay, so do you want to give everybody a little bit of an introduction into who you are and your channel, not your channel, your Instagram page? Yeah, no worries. So I'm Tyler, I'm 22 from Manchester in the UK.
The Mission of 'Adulting Autistic'
00:03:20
Speaker
I recently, I say recently, it was like six months ago now, graduated uni.
00:03:26
Speaker
What else do I do? So basically I started what is now adult and autistic because as I was coming to the end of my final year of uni, I was doing my dissertation in social media. Cause that's kind of what I have, like a massive interest in community building and just the power of social media and also the damages that it can cause. Um, but I wanted to get into blogging in general cause I liked it, but then I also wanted to not just put out a load of trash content and just be another person posting for the sake of posting.
00:03:56
Speaker
there is a lot of power in social media and I wanted to use it to address what I saw as a need. Because when I was finishing my final year of uni and transitioning to like finding a flat, finding a job, like how do you adult water bills? Like how do you start like all these questions? I'm just like, mate, I've got no idea. And also jobs and interviews and all this stuff. So that's where adult and autistic came from. I
00:04:24
Speaker
started the Instagram account at first on the back of my personal blog, which I'd put up a couple of posts on about kind of myself and just rambling and not ranting, but just like chatting a bit and talking about my experience in the education system. Silly me, I deleted my blog and delete all those posts, but
00:04:44
Speaker
went down quite well but the ones that banged were the ones that talked about autism and then obviously with my own struggles I decided to bring the two together and started adult and autistic. The aim of it at the minute is to just generate a conversation around autism for people who are like in that I should be an adult but I don't know how kind of phase so when yeah so anyone who's probably from like
00:05:10
Speaker
I don't know, 16 to 18, all the way up until like 30. Like I can't relate to the troubles that a 30 year old has. Like you probably have a mortgage. I can just about make my rent at the minute. So anyone who can apply, like see my content and it applies to them or they can see themselves in it somehow, then that's who it's for really.
00:05:29
Speaker
So you're sort of giving people, someone relatable and someone who's trying to sort it out and. Yeah, fully. Like there are a load of, like think back to YouTube in like 2000. Oh, let's do a decade jump back. I think like 2009, it was like Alfie Daze and Zoella and all them lot. And it's like, that's cool. But like, I can just about leave my house. So how am I supposed to imagine myself living this amazing life in Brighton?
00:05:57
Speaker
To others, I like to think I'm more relatable to some people, especially those who are autistic, because I'm autistic and I'm still trying to not live a normal life.
Balancing Autism and Lifestyle Content
00:06:10
Speaker
Cause it's obviously like, in my opinion, no such thing as a normal life, but just try and live my best life. And I do want to be social, but it's just a case of like finding the ways to be social. I do want to have a job, but it's like about finding the right job for me, given my autistic traits and like all these little things.
00:06:25
Speaker
And I've also got like a massive interest in productivity and like might develop type content and I just love that kind of stuff. So again, marrying that with being autistic and just living life is kind of what I'm trying to do at Minit. And then I want to create more autistic safe spaces. So literally like legit in-person meetups, not just online,
00:06:54
Speaker
get to connect with other people who are going through the things that you are. My thought process at the minute is that because you know that you're going to meet a whole bunch of people who have had the same challenges to get out of the house as you have, that you're just going to be a lot more willing to attend. Yeah, definitely. I think there is a lot of lack in the amount of services and the support available for
00:07:24
Speaker
Anybody with Asper, just anybody with typically high functioning autism, there isn't much post-16 at all, especially at uni. It's going to be really difficult. I found out towards the end of my time at uni that there is actually a service in my university for autistic students, but
00:07:47
Speaker
Again, it's the whole thing, because I met up with a lady, it's funny, on my second to last day of uni, I met up with the woman who runs the service and told her about the whole plan I had for Addleton Autistic. She was totally on board, really loved it. She's like, I'm surprised I haven't met you before, but given the way you communicate and even the way you emailed me, I can tell that the service wouldn't have been right for you. I was like, well then who is it right for and where am I supposed to be at?
00:08:12
Speaker
It's like, when you are what they would say is high functioning, you fall into this gap of, we know you're not neurotypical. But you can kind of get by. Yeah, but you're not diverse enough for us to really care enough. And it's like, I completely get the NHSE strapped and there's not enough funding. And that's why I think peer-to-peer support and making use of social media and all the opportunities we've got now like podcasting, YouTube and like Instagram, like think of
00:08:42
Speaker
There are all these influences that can help online experts for like everything at the minute, like, and that type of approach can be applied to like filling the gap that there is in services for autistic people.
From Awareness to Action: Closing the Autism Gap
00:09:00
Speaker
Yeah, definitely. And I think, you know, kind of coming on and having a chat about these issues does does a lot to raise awareness for them. And by raising awareness, the the, you know, the sort of the myth around autism is all the myths and stuff are dispelled and people can do. Like, who do you think benefits when awareness is raised? I think
00:09:28
Speaker
What one of the problems is is that people don't really understand that there are a lot of autistic people struggling. I think a lot of people group the fact that they are autistic into the reason why they're struggling rather than the support that's put in place or the mental health and isolation and bullying that inevitably comes along with it in a lot of cases.
00:09:58
Speaker
I think it can be quite beneficial to give people a more personal angle so that they understand that just because we are autistic, it doesn't mean that we are having a worse life, it just means that we need some help in adjusting to
00:10:23
Speaker
a society that really isn't built for us.
00:10:28
Speaker
My issue with the word awareness is that once you've raised awareness, what then? Because like, extreme example, but take Grenfell, everyone was aware of the failings of that cladding should not have been on that building. But then just look at what happened in Bolton the other day, a uni with the exact same cladding on it, that everyone was aware is flammable and problematic. The exact same cladding also went up in fire.
00:10:57
Speaker
Awareness means nothing if action is not taken. Yeah, I do completely agree with that. I think one of the difficulties is trying to find a way of
00:11:09
Speaker
getting that awareness into action. I think there is a lot of difficulty in approaching things like that because I think even with all of the companies and organizations that try and push for things, sometimes there needs to be sort of a mass
00:11:35
Speaker
support of certain ideals and there needs to be a focus on autism so that actions can be raised and sort of criticisms of policies and support systems can be you know put out there and
00:11:53
Speaker
It is a very difficult thing. And I honestly, it's really hard to know what way to take it, but hopefully just trying to push for things and trying to get in contact with organizations and try to put your messages out as much as possible is the best way of doing that. But I'm not sure. Yeah, it's one way. I don't know, because no one really knows what the best way, the most efficient way is, but yeah, it's definitely one way it can happen.
00:12:22
Speaker
So yeah, so we talked a little bit about,
00:12:26
Speaker
why you've chosen to be an influencer and what drives you. What do you believe are the main reasons why autistic individuals struggle with mental health?
Emotional Processing in Autism
00:12:38
Speaker
Because it is a really big issue in the autistic community. Yeah, definitely. I don't know if that's off my head, but there are hella stats out there that you can easily go. But I'd say one of the reasons you struggle with mental health is because, well,
00:12:55
Speaker
There's two reasons I can think of like immediately. Processing emotions is hard enough as it is. By the time you realize that you're sad, you're depressed. And then what do you do? So I guess like the A of that would be processing emotions. And then the point B leading onto that is CBT doesn't actually fit for a lot of us because it's not, oh, for me personally, like it's not logical enough.
00:13:22
Speaker
Like there's a lot of whys and there's only so many whys a therapist is willing to hear. There's only so many whys like a counsellor will hear until they're like, right, I've got to go and see someone outside if you've only got an hour with me today. So that'd be one thing, a solution to that. For me, I've really taken to stoicism.
00:13:45
Speaker
and just adapting a different mindset. And stoicism is quite linked to CBT, so cognitive behavioral therapy. But I don't know, there's something that I can relate to a bit more with that. It's a bit more logical. I've known that all the successful Roman emperors, they used it. And it's a lot less wishy-washy to me than
00:14:15
Speaker
someone trying to, like someone sat there trying to understand me and tell me how I should live my life. So then another thing is just like a lot of the causes of depression are also like traits
00:14:30
Speaker
And like traits of being autistic or not traits, but just like something that all autistic people experience a lot. So like you mentioned before, loneliness, feelings of isolation, not being able to connect and communicate well with others. If you don't have anything in your life that's like stimulating or interesting to you, obviously quite a few of us have.
00:14:48
Speaker
what people call special interests. I just like to call them hobbies because that's really what they are. We're just very good at them. We're either really good at them. It's not even that. Some typical people are really good at their hobbies. I just don't think there's a need for a word that says we have hobbies. To you, what does special interest mean?
00:15:11
Speaker
Well, it is, I think like it's characterized as abnormal fixation on the brain. Why is it abnormal though? Like if, say if I came to you and I had a really good in-depth knowledge about how to make, I don't know, protein powder. Yeah. And I then launched a product
00:15:38
Speaker
that sold millions. No one would then come along and say, oh, she had a special interest.
00:15:45
Speaker
I do. I completely get. I completely get that. I think it's just, um, I get, I get the way of explaining it for parents just so that they don't feel. Your kid has a hobby. I completely get that it can offer comfort to some autistic people. Like when someone comes up to you like, Oh my God, why do you care so much about this? And it's like, I bet you know the lives of the Kardashians inside out. Let me sit here with my, let's use a stereotypical example. Let me sit here with my trains. Like.
00:16:15
Speaker
It's not that deep. Everyone has a hobby. It just so happens that we go all in with ours. And just because we can commit to something in a way that you can't, don't give it a label just so it makes you feel better about it. That's just one thing that gets that terminology. It's just unnecessary sometimes. And I think that when we start using terminology that's
00:16:38
Speaker
different to the rest of society, it then creates this othering. And yeah, we are different. But when you look down to the root cause of what a special interest is, it's just to help it.
00:16:48
Speaker
But back to your original question on depression. Yeah, so a lot of the things that autistic experiences, autistic people describe having are also general symptoms of depression. Even anxiety, like overthinking is just a thing that we naturally do. Like if you give me an exam question, I will think about the five different ways you could have meant that because I don't play your language game. So, what was I saying? Yeah, I don't play your language game.
00:17:19
Speaker
So then that leads to, if you're thinking in that sense, translates to other areas of your life and just makes you anxious. Again, another symptom of depression is having a poor diet and not saying that all of these people have poor diets, but just we have food preferences. And if the only thing you eat are the things that you prefer that aren't necessarily the most nutritious, or they could be nutritious, but if you're just eating the same thing, you're not getting a wide variety of everything that you need to function. You need to find other ways to make your diet.
00:17:45
Speaker
one that you can, you know, thrive off, like, and there are so many little things that go into living a good or balanced life. And it just takes one of those things to be off for us to focus on them, stuck on them and fix on them and obsess over them. That it's not surprising that we end up with like higher rates of other mental health issues.
00:18:11
Speaker
So you're, so you highlighted like something to do with the, you know, CBT. So I, in my youth, in my youth in the old days, I used to, I think I did CBT for about five, six years. And I honestly just, I found it absolutely useless.
00:18:40
Speaker
As you said, we need like a logical, cause we need like a logical explanation. And here I've got this person trying to give me coping mechanism. Was your, um, was your counselor therapist, whatever the code, I don't actually know. Were they expected to specialize in autism?
00:19:01
Speaker
No because there really just isn't anybody that we can find that does that kind of thing and even if they do it would be private and we'd have to travel somewhere like London or something. Exactly. But yeah I found it very difficult and you know as you said you highlighted the thing about was it stoicism? Yeah.
00:19:26
Speaker
what is that like?
Stoicism as a Tool for Autistic Individuals
00:19:27
Speaker
So, to my very limited knowledge, it is a philosophy, I don't know, I don't think psoasism itself is a philosophical concept, but it's something within the area of philosophy and it's just about the way you approach life in general. So like Seneca is one of the big stoics, I think there's another there's like a couple of them. And
00:19:54
Speaker
The general vibe is, let me try and find the post that I made that like resonated with me. It's just very much internal, like control what you could control and make the best of anything outside of your control type thing. So when it comes to waking up in the morning,
00:20:21
Speaker
You get out of bed and it's raining outside. You do not control the weather and that weather has very limited impact on your day, really. Like, do you not have a coat and an umbrella? Like, you can prepare for that. There's no, in, I kind of feel like in my head now, there's no such thing as bad weather.
00:20:40
Speaker
It's rain. Rain is good for some people. And if you plan to be outside all day, prepare for that. You can't control the weather. So plan for what people call good or bad weather. And then- So it's like sort of trying to take taking control of things that you are able to deal with. Yeah. And then anything beyond that, leave it.
00:21:06
Speaker
In terms of communicating with other people as well, like I, like, I often find that my tone isn't appropriate for what I'm saying. So like, my, my nan at all, my nan at all. It annoys the heck out of my girlfriend. It does. Yeah. Even my friends have to tell them, like, listen to what I'm saying, not how I'm saying it. Yeah. So.
00:21:31
Speaker
when like the other day my nan told me that my step granddad had like fallen down the stairs and i was like oh that's a shame and she's like oh tyler that's not very nice and i was like what do you mean she's like you're being sarcastic i wasn't being sarcastic i wasn't being sarcastic she's like that was never i feel you're paid that was a very nice thing to say and i was like well what would you have rapidly said and she's like
00:21:57
Speaker
Well, you should have said, Oh, oh, oh, that's a shame. Why am I putting all that fake pretense at the start of the end, like the words are the same. And I know at my core, I am a nice person. So anything I then say, no matter how it's said, is said with the intention of
00:22:14
Speaker
at the core of being a nice person. So however you take it, that's on you. What I say is what I meant. And that's something that I've taken. Obviously, there are certain times when you can't be that black and white, and you can't say, well, I said what I meant, and that's how it is. Because there are times when it'll work in your favour to essentially play the game. So if you go into a job interview, and you're just sat there,
00:22:36
Speaker
monitor to people who don't understand you, don't know you well enough yet to know that how you communicate, just mirror them. I mean, that's what I do, not saying other people should, but if it gets you where you need to be and gets you what you're not, then just do it. And then later on, take the time to explain what you need. Even the way I present myself online, because I do also want neurotypicals to see my content and think, oh,
00:23:02
Speaker
she's autistic, and then look further, I don't present in the same way other autistic people choose to present themselves online. I present myself in the way I choose to, but also there are similarities in the way to other neurotypical people present themselves online, and I'm not trying to shy away from that. So you're just presenting you? Yeah, I'm just presenting me, but then because I am
00:23:29
Speaker
on like one end of the spectrum. There are people who are at the other end who can't relate to me or think that I'm not worthy or not the right person to speak on autism. And it's like, well, if I'm not the right person for you, then that's it. I'm not right for you, but there are other people who I'll be right for. And even if I'm not right for anyone, I'm right for myself and that's all I can control. Like I'm not doing this,
00:24:00
Speaker
to, I'm not doing this for the sake of it. I have an intention behind it. And my intention is to create these autistic safe spaces and how I get, I obviously want to get there being as true to me as possible. And I know, I know my goal and I know what, what my, like what my intentions are. So I'm going to keep going until it doesn't work. So, so yeah. Um,
00:24:35
Speaker
I'm just trying to think. This is definitely going to be edited out. Maybe not. I'm going to leave it in, let people see my struggles.
00:24:43
Speaker
I did that in a couple of episodes. There was one that I've done. The first two I'd edited, but it took me forever because I'd done them after work when I was burnt out and just, I had questions pre-written, but even reading was a challenge and then I was stumbling over
Podcasting Imperfections and Reflections
00:24:58
Speaker
my words. So I'd edited the first two and I was like, you know what? Third one, I'm just going to put it up and explained it. I think I explained at the beginning that
00:25:05
Speaker
I'm mumbling today and you can hear what I'm saying, but I'm just repeating myself and I'm just tripping over my words, but this is life. Like this is the only time I could fit in the recording and you probably experienced the same things at the end of your day and I just rolled with it. Like, but yeah. Um, would, um, so to talk about, um, Christmas and festivities,
00:25:32
Speaker
Are there any, like, outstanding problems that you see the autistic struggle with in festive times or holidays or Christmas individually?
Navigating Christmas as an Autistic Individual
00:25:44
Speaker
It's just so loud. Like, it's not unnecessary because some people like it. And I, right, it sounds mad when I say this because I go to, like, massive warehouse techno raves and I organise events and I go to nightclubs. I used to work in nightclubs, like, when I say loud,
00:26:02
Speaker
It's just a different kind of loud. Lots of different noises everywhere. Lots of different noises. And also, this expectation that you need to do something with someone just because it's Christmas. Any other month of the year, you don't want to talk to me, so leave me alone in December as well. It just does not make sense.
00:26:21
Speaker
So you don't you don't conscribe to the whole social norm constructed idea of a holiday. I know I agree to the idea of the holiday I am actually like Catholic so the whole Christmas side of Christmas I back that. My issue is like I also like the coming together of family and like the doing things together but it's because to some extent it's the commercialization of that.
00:26:48
Speaker
So if the whole, again, leaking back to intention, if the whole point of us going out for this meal is to spend time together, then why can't we just go around to someone's house, order food in, in a setting where I'll be more comfortable, where we'll spend less money and everyone can just, you know, relax and just fully be themselves rather than have to like sit up proper and not talk too loudly and God forbid you laugh too loudly because another table over there will look over.
00:27:18
Speaker
and it's just this whole oh and then you've got see this sounds this is gonna sound a bit funny because I do use Instagram and I do post what some would say a lot on social media but yeah I can spend time with you and do something with you and you not show that online like did you did you know that are you aware like you put your Instagram story away do you want to be here with me or do you want to be here with your followers because
00:27:44
Speaker
You just want to show people that you're with someone. And yeah, with someone at somewhere that's like a cool like place to be. And that's not just like specific to Christmas, like all year round. Like there'll be times I go out with my friends and be like, have you forgotten your phone? And be like, no, it's in my bag. And those people, like I say friends that I try to distance myself from them because I can't, I can't get that mindset. Like I don't understand it. Like, yeah.
00:28:11
Speaker
Yeah, I understand with the whole, because I was trying to think about why Christmas is so difficult, and I posted a video about Christmas.
00:28:25
Speaker
And I got a lot of comments and I had the idea that Christmas for autistic people would be very difficult. Because there is a lot of loneliness, even in adulthood there is a lot of isolation. There is a lot of negative views of holidays for autistic people and
00:28:50
Speaker
You know, also with all the festivities and all the happy commercial stuff going on TV and going on everywhere and people saying, oh, you've got to buy this, buy this, you've got to meet together, everything's great, everything's fun, let's listen to Christmas songs. And in the background, you've got really high rates of things like suicide and really high rates of people feeling bad because they're mourning and
00:29:21
Speaker
You know, there's a lot of expectations for us. The world doesn't stop just because it's Christmas. Like everything else that happens on any other day of the year still happens around Christmas time. So all the things that you've already mentioned. And then there's also the things of like, just general life. Like if you say, I don't know, people just say, oh, you should be happy. It's Christmas. Why?
00:29:44
Speaker
like why just because it's this one specific day it's the same with birthdays as well though like this and i guess it's the kind of the same oh it would be it's like jesus birthday so you kind of do the same thing expectation yeah but like the expectation is like what you should do because it's your birthday where you should go because it's your birthday what you should work what you should eat all these things you've got a drink yeah like because it's christmas because it's your birth it's like
00:30:09
Speaker
do you really need a day to be happy? Like, do you need a specific day to tell you that you should be happy? Because I'm of the opinion that like your whole life you should attempt to be happy. Yeah, definitely. So yeah, and then with the loneliness, it's, I think it's exacerbated for those who experience the feeling of like feeling alone, even when you're in a room full of people. So
00:30:35
Speaker
If you're in a room full of people, you could even be having a conversation with someone, like not that you've been left out or anything like that. It's just that you don't feel any sort of connection with anyone. So you're still- You don't feel like you're a part of anything. Yeah. You're just there. You're just sitting at the side and being there. Existing. Just another, just another table cart, like placeholder at the table, like all this stuff. It's a mad one.
00:31:01
Speaker
And I think just because it takes so much effort for us to be social and so much energy to be able to do social occasions and even if we put all of our energy into these festivities and we put all our energy into communicating with people
00:31:20
Speaker
Sometimes it doesn't come across in a way that they like or some, you know, they don't... Yes, and I guess it's like... They always pick up on the differences and they don't pick up on the fact that you're there and you're trying to talk to them. Yeah. It's for a lot of autistic people, it's just really difficult, especially when they feel like they're expected to do it on a time of year where they feel pretty terrible. Yeah. But it's...
00:31:51
Speaker
So yeah, those are the main things that you think Christmas, you know, can be so bad. I think it can be really difficult. There are loads of things. I hope it would be a forever apocalypse at all. But on top of my head, yeah, there are the two I would mention. All right. So that begs the question, what can autistic individuals do to make the Christmas holidays easier?
00:32:21
Speaker
Oh my God, just stop. Like, how do I, how do I word this and not swear? Um, yeah, it would be go back into, uh, how do I, how do I word it? What do I, what do I want to say? Let me, let me think before I speak for once. Select your thoughts. Yeah. That's all those thoughts. Um, what do I want to say?
00:32:48
Speaker
I've even forgotten what I wanted to say now. Bloody hell. So it can be, it can be any like personal advice. Oh no it is, it is, it is. Oh right, yeah so. The way to have the best Christmas is to have the best Christmas for you. Like, do what you want, spend time how you want with who you want and beyond that just do
00:33:16
Speaker
not avoid the social pressure, because it's going to be there, but take it in and let it go. Understand that, cool, that's how you want me to do my Christmas.
00:33:31
Speaker
But you can take that, you can listen to that, and you can do your Christmas that way. I'm going to do mine this way. In the same way that some people choose to eat meat and some people choose to be vegan. You can choose to do your Christmas in the way you want to do it. There are some people who don't even celebrate Christmas. That's the thing. You could be one of them. I guess if you're in a family that
00:33:56
Speaker
is heavy on traditions and like, is like very, what do I wanna say? They're very like,
00:34:08
Speaker
Not even pushy, just that this is how it's done. This is what we do. We all wear Christmas jumpers and wake up at 9am on Christmas day and have this breakfast and it's all that stuff in it. Try to understand why they like doing that. Just ask. Maybe not in the kind of general way of like, why, why, why, but just in a, what do you get from this?
00:34:31
Speaker
or flip it on its head and say, what can you get from this? So maybe you'll be having this big Christmas breakfast when all you really want is toast, but there's like a million things on the table. But if you all sat there as a family together, what could you get from that experience? You could learn something new about a family member. You could try a new food if that's what you wanted to do. Just make the best of every situation you're gonna be in that you,
00:34:59
Speaker
feel like you have to, but don't want to be. And my first piece of advice would be just not put yourself in those situations. But if you're not at that point yet, then just find one thing that you can get out of those situations and focus on that, achieve that. And then next time or the next part of the day, when you've got another thing that you need to do that's Christmasy, then
00:35:23
Speaker
just take it step by step. But then also the word like Christmasy, like what does that mean for you? Like Christmasy for me is seeing my brother and we bake something.
00:35:36
Speaker
And this year that didn't happen. So I don't feel like I had a Christmas, even though I went to my nands, we had this massive Christmas dinner and I saw all the members of my family. I didn't see the person that I see and makes it Christmassy for me. And I didn't do that one thing that makes Christmas Christmas for me. So this year I didn't have a good Christmas. There were on paper, it would look to other people like I did. Yeah.
00:35:56
Speaker
So it's all about, yeah, at the end of the day, if you're upset, you're the only one who's got to deal with it. You're the only one who can make yourself happy, so. Yeah, and I think there's a lot of usefulness and...
00:36:14
Speaker
being able to just assert what you want to do. Like maybe you just want to lie in with somebody or go to the cinema or you just want to go for a walk in the castle. Yeah, if that is what you want to do and if that's what you want to do, try and tell those around you that that's what you want to do.
00:36:37
Speaker
And more often than not, they'll probably be quite accepting of it. Or you can come to some sort of compromise and be like, well, we'll do your kind of Christmas this year. We'll do our kind of Christmas next year. Or mix the two types of things together. Have moments where you can collect, like not collect your thoughts. What's the word? Just like deal with sensory overload.
00:37:01
Speaker
prevent yourself from burning out and then... Give yourself some time just to chill out and socially recharge so that you can not melt down in front of your entire family. Yeah, like usually, I don't know, from what I heard, like most people have the mornings with just their immediate family and then later on in the days when the whole family come round. So maybe in between those two things, you take some time for you and do what makes Christmas Christmasy for you or you just do what you enjoy doing on every other day because Christmas day is just another day.
00:37:29
Speaker
Yeah. And if you do, if you struggle with like social interaction, you do need to take a break. And, you know, a lot of the times I feel because I feel like I've worked on my social skills and worked on everything that I can do.
00:37:51
Speaker
sometimes i feel like i can just go for the whole day just constantly socializing but you know i think on on christmas day i think i lasted till about 7 p.m which is quite good i think because it was from early morning throughout the day um as you said yeah it was immediate family in the morning some presents then christmas dinner and a lot of people and and stuff and
00:38:18
Speaker
i did need a break so i just went up i said guys i need to have a little bit of a social break i'm gonna go upstairs for an hour or so and they were like all right because they were just watching the movie so i was just like you know i'm gonna yeah like times like that it's not really important that you're there because everyone's just watching a screen anyway just monging out yeah
00:38:38
Speaker
But that's a lot of tips for a lot of people. I think for a large majority of people that would really help. I hope so. But there is still the issue of...
00:38:53
Speaker
people on their own because I have, you know, when I put on my video I had a lot of comments about people just not having anyone to spend it with and wanting to be around people and feeling alone and it's something that I've been trying to think of and there's a few things but there's nothing like definitive that I can
00:39:19
Speaker
you know, say, because it is a very difficult thing.
Coping with Holiday Loneliness
00:39:22
Speaker
I think my solution with that would be, if you're alone and don't want to be alone, then first of all, if you're alone,
00:39:32
Speaker
and don't know what to make of it. There's nothing wrong with being alone. If you wanna spend your time alone, then you can continue to do so. And again, make your own Christmas, have your own Christmas. I'm gonna spend Christmas on my own next year after the experience I had this year. Yeah, just splash out a little bit. Not even splash out. Have a complete self-indulgent day. It doesn't have to cost anything. It just focus on you. This is how I envisage my Christmas next year. In the morning, I'm gonna wake up. I'm gonna have my general breakfast, which is porridge.
00:40:01
Speaker
which is, and then I'm gonna, golden syrup. No, I just go for sugar, porridge sugar, and then whatever seeds I'm on at the minute, cause I like to do seed cycling. So whichever seeds I'm going to have as a topping and pop them on. And then I'm gonna,
00:40:17
Speaker
probably get dressed, go for a walk, just around wherever I'm living at the minute, nowhere exotic, just around the block. Then come in, have a shower, put on some super comfortable clothes, read for a little bit.
00:40:32
Speaker
And then have lunch and then spend the rest of the day, like, I don't know, probably painting my nails, probably working on the blog. I'm not going to lie. And then. Yeah. I found it really difficult not to do any work. I really wanted to like make a video or something. I felt, yeah, I don't, yeah. I first appeared in that sense. It's hard for me. Why didn't you?
00:40:58
Speaker
I just didn't have any time because my computer is downstairs and everyone is downstairs. So I can't just be like, alright guys, I'm going to go off for about three or four hours. Me? I certainly would. You're the only one who has control over your time and if that's how you want to spend it.
00:41:15
Speaker
do it. So that's what my Christmas is going to look like. I'm going to have a fantastic time on my own. But if you're on your own and
00:41:30
Speaker
If you're on your own and feel alone, which is very different to being on your own, like the feeling of alone, you want to be around other people, then there are loads of people probably in your community around you that actually want to, that either want to be with people and aren't or need your help. So you can always volunteer down at like a homeless shelter or like a place where they serve food to people who live on the streets.
00:41:59
Speaker
Like, you can volunteer on those days, like, they need help. And a lot of the volunteers just go there for a couple of hours, but if you're free all day, they would love to have you down there all day. Look around, see what's in your area, see who you can help with. Like, I'm assuming that you want to be around people. And maybe a lot of people isn't what's going to work well for you, but go to them, speak with them, let them know you're autistic and see if there's any way you can help out and be around a smaller group of people rather than hundreds.
00:42:26
Speaker
maybe you could be in the kitchen washing it like cleaning some pots maybe you could be behind a counter so there's a bit of a barrier between you and the other people so you feel a little bit safer there are people out there that could benefit from your existence on that day definitely so if you are fully on your own but want to spend time with your friends on Christmas Day
00:42:50
Speaker
like a closed mouth doesn't get fed, just ask them. Raise yourself a rejection, because they might say no to anyone in my family, or they might give some reason. Or if they say no, just don't take it to heart, because it is Christmas and you are inviting yourself round. But just give it a go. Like... Reach out to people. Yeah. Like force yourself upon them. Just make it happen. You are the only one who can make yourself happy. And if there's no point in sitting there and be like, oh, I wish so and so invited me round, ask them. They probably think you have Christmas plans.
00:43:18
Speaker
A lot of my friends or people that I knew didn't realize that I was doing something for one of my birthdays. Like, oh, you should have said something. I was like, well, I didn't know. Like, I didn't know. But now if you want something to happen, make it happen. Yeah. And I think everybody, everybody appreciates effort, whether it just be offering to spend time with them. Yeah. You don't have to spend time with them. You just need to make sure that
00:43:48
Speaker
You just need to make sure that they know you're there and that. Well, even if it's the other way around and you're the one who is on their own and you know that they're going to be spending time with other people, just like, oh, can I come around for a bit? Maybe not for the full day, maybe not for dinner, but like in the morning, like just propose a time when you can go around and see them and so that you don't feel alone all of Christmas Day. Yeah, just open up and express
00:44:18
Speaker
how you feel and that you're worrying about what to do on Christmas Day and you need a bit of help. Yeah, just put it all out there. I'm going to be on my own on Christmas Day. Can I come round to yours? It's as simple as it needs to be, straight to the point. And it's highly unlikely they're going to say no to that. And if they do, you need to just ask a couple of more questions about them as a person. But yeah,
00:44:44
Speaker
Community centers, events. Is that a thing? I don't know. Yeah, you're gonna have to have a look. I'm not a clue. I don't even live near a community center.
00:44:53
Speaker
I think it'll vary from region to region, town to town. Some autistic societies, if you have one that's local, they put on stuff. Maybe get in contact if they don't have anything that's going on for next Christmas. Get in contact, say, hey, this might be a good idea. A lot of autistic people feel a bit isolated and alone at this time. Let's just all get together and chat.
00:45:20
Speaker
if anything. Right. And there's a lot of things that you can do. You just need to just need to get over that first hurdle of asking and inquiring and it's it can be very difficult, especially if you feel, you know, in the slumps of isolation and depression and you feel like nobody wants you around. You've got to stay there if you don't take any action. Like if you don't do anything about it, it's going to keep on perpetuating itself. Like you got to do something about it.
00:45:48
Speaker
Definitely, and it is really difficult and obviously like sympathies go out to anybody who feels like that and it's horrible that you have to feel like that when you're just getting pounding constantly by all these commercials and Spotify adverts and yeah, it's difficult, isn't it? So yeah, we sort of talked about
00:46:14
Speaker
What can the individual do? Anything that others in wider society or people that know autistic people, what can they do? What can they do to help? I think this is a bit of a hard question for me to answer because I am very much of the opinion if you want help going.
00:46:35
Speaker
find it but it is a lot easier if people do reach out to you but then at the same time you don't want to be overbearing so I guess if you know someone and know they're autistic or even you know what just in general in life like if you've got a friend and you're not quite sure what they're doing for Christmas they've not really mentioned anything ask like what have you got planned or even if you don't want to ask what they're doing
00:46:57
Speaker
because you don't want to make them feel bad for having nothing or you think they might lie, because some people would do that just to cover up and fit in. Just be like, oh, do you want to come around to mine on Christmas Day, around this time? Or just say, oh, if you, oh, you know what? Some people might have a full house on Christmas Day. Totally cool, totally fine. Find some time across this so-called festive period to do something with that person. Just be like, oh, do you want to do something on- For Starbucks, go for a little- Literally, I mean, or just something that, you know, they enjoy.
00:47:25
Speaker
Or just say, or put it on them to decide what you do. Just be like, well, I've got some time on this day. What would you like to do?
00:47:37
Speaker
Awesome, yeah. So yeah, that's, I feel like we've covered pretty much all that I want to cover. And now comes the most, probably one of the most difficult questions that people struggle with. Which is the summary. Which three things that we've mentioned do you think are most important to take away from this episode? I'll give you a minute. No, I think I've got one.
00:48:09
Speaker
I've got one. So the first one would be just to take action in general and everything, but especially when it comes to this whole stuff about Christmas, if you're going to be alone, don't want to be alone, take action, sort it out. Um, then what else did we talk? Um, have a look into stoicism, see if it's for you, if CBT is not. And the third one would be, there's a difference between
00:48:39
Speaker
being alone, no, there's a difference between, what's it? There's a difference between being on your own and feeling alone.
00:48:52
Speaker
to being on your own and not knowing what to do. There's just a difference between being on your own and feeling alone. Feeling alone is not the same as being on your own. You could be in a room full of people and you can still feel alone. You could be on your own and be content. I come in from work and I live on my own, so I'm on my own, but I don't feel alone. The feeling of being alone is very different to being physically on your own.
00:49:21
Speaker
once you realize that and can separate the two and then can take action to make sure you don't feel alone when you're on your own, you can start exploring a lot of more things in life. Because that's something that I've worked through this year and it's helped me a lot. Especially now that I do live on my own completely. Like I've kind of phased where I've lived. So I think two years ago, I lived in a house with four or three other people.
00:49:49
Speaker
Yeah, a uni house. So I was in a house with four other people then. So that was a lot more communal, like we were all chill in the living room, kitchen was really small. Then the year after that, I was in halls with eight other people, but because we all had our own rooms or had their own locks and the kitchen got cleaned by someone else, it was a little bit more, we just share a kitchen. That's the only engagement really hard. And I rarely saw them. So I know when they use the kitchen, I'd avoid them at those times. And so, and then now I live completely
00:50:18
Speaker
alone, not alone, I mean on my own, messing up there myself. I look completely on my own. So the growth that I've done over those couple of years to realise the difference between being on your own and feeling alone just brings a lot of like peace and frees up your mind to think about other things and just not focus on that one feeling because it just needs to be there. Think about your hobbies.
00:50:45
Speaker
Yeah, but you can think about your hobbies or you can like do just try new things or learn different parts about yourself, about what you like, what you don't like, or like, yeah. You can just like, you can, and if you want to talk to people, you can reach out and you can stagger it and you can... You're a lot less dependent on other people for your happiness once you realise that being on your own doesn't mean that you like, doesn't have to be synonymous with being alone. And it's not bad.
00:51:14
Speaker
It's not a bad thing. Yeah. If you, if you feel, if you feel alone, do some about it. Same way, same way when you feel happy, you want to do more things that make you feel happy. It's the same way that when you're sad, you should stop doing things that make you feel sad or avoid things that make you feel sad or work out how
Redefining Autism and Embracing Differences
00:51:27
Speaker
to process. Like if it's a negative emotion, do something to make yourself get back to base or get happy is my thoughts. Definitely.
00:51:36
Speaker
Very good. Did well on those summary questions. I usually have to have a few people usually have to do a few takes of that. Maybe jot something down on the old iOS notes page. The last question is, which is one that I ask to everyone that comes on here. This is completely open, just a little bit of fun. So there's no right or wrong answer. What does autism mean to you?
00:52:08
Speaker
Very broad, I know. It is very broad. I would say autism means different. And I want to stick with that because different doesn't mean bad. So autism, to me, means different. I think differently, do things differently, and I actually kind of love it.
00:52:37
Speaker
Like I was, I had this massive, it was a massive, it was just like a bit of a funny moment in the car with my friend on the way to like an event. And he, I brought a can in his car, but when I drank, I'd eaten in his car another time, he got really like, he was watching me cause he didn't want me to drop anything. And like he's really protective, but precious over his car. So he'd moved the can.
00:53:00
Speaker
from the chair, because I had just thrown it, I hadn't thrown it. I'd put it in the car, had to run back in the house to get something, got back to the car and he moved it from the chair into the cup holder. But it was the cup holder nearer to him. So I'd thought that meant he didn't want me to drink in his car. Because otherwise, why would you move it? I'd planned on drinking it when I got in. Turns out he'd just put it there to help.
00:53:23
Speaker
And I brought it up with him a couple of weeks later and he was like, no, I just moved it so you could have it. But it had somewhere to go. And I was like, oh, and then I explained the whole thing. And he was like, actually laughing. I was like, I can laugh at those moments now myself. But then what was the point of me telling that story? Your difference. Oh, yeah. So I was like, and he was like, I was like,
00:53:48
Speaker
I was just like, oh gosh, I'm so autistic. And he was like, yeah, but you wouldn't change it. And I was like, I actually wouldn't. Cause, like. Cause that situation happening between two artistic, the drift would probably be understood, the drift. You'd probably be on the same wavelength and you probably, you know, you wouldn't have those little strange moments where you don't know what each other's doing and thinking. Not having that, it's just that like my,
00:54:19
Speaker
My, like, I guess some people would call them quirks and autistic tendencies, like, like, a lot of the, the only time they're actually a problem is when I come into contact with people who are ignorant. Yeah. They don't like the problem, the differences. They can't handle it.
00:54:40
Speaker
It's not, yeah, like they have a, can't handle it or just don't, they're just ignorant, they're not open-minded, they're not willing to hear what I have to say, my explanations for the way I do things. I've learned to be a lot more willing to listen to where other people see I've gone wrong. And then explain my reasoning for my actions to make them see why I did what I did. So, I've also realized that a lot of,
00:55:08
Speaker
blow ups or just like massive negative interactions can be avoided if I'm not on the verge of a burnout. So then that's a lot of that comes on me and it's like I need to look after myself for the sake of my relationships with a lot of other people. Not spend too much time around people constantly, make sure that you do things that you enjoy and make you relaxed and
00:55:31
Speaker
The thing is, it's not about spending time around people. It's about how you spend that time with people. Like if you're with someone who couldn't, like I had a friend stay over for a couple of, like for a whole weekend. And if they completely knew that if I'm not talking to you, it's not because I've got a problem. It's just because I don't want to talk right now. Like don't fill my time and fill the space with like small talk. If you've got nothing to say, don't say anything. So it's just being around people who understand you.
00:56:01
Speaker
And not even like on a deep, deep level, but just. Willing to listen. Yeah. And if, and if you take the time to explain and they're not willing, then move on. There's people out there who are, because it's not your, it's, if you are a good person getting back to this thing about intentions, if down at your core, you're a good person, whatever you do is done with good intentions, then how you present yourself will be in a good way. And like, you're just giving off good vibes and people can accept that. Even if you do things.
00:56:31
Speaker
differently, because different doesn't mean bad. I like that. My, my, my mum's like a big, like, special needs coordinator. We've sort, we've sort of coined the term, instead of disability, we call it a disability. Oh, right. Oh, it's cool. I mean,
00:56:55
Speaker
I think there are, again, I don't see there's a, I kind of don't think there's, there's a stigma attached to the word disability.
00:57:04
Speaker
And I'm still not sure myself whether I'm whether I think autism is a difference or is a disability. I think there are some times where you're disadvantaged because you present differently to other people and then it's not being received well or there's an extra barrier and you do have to explain yourself like it's another step that people don't need to take. So is that then disability? I'm not too sure where I stand on that so I don't think I would mix the two words together because I do think they are too
00:57:30
Speaker
distinctively different things. But is it like a play on words, jokey thing? Yeah, it's cool. We're very good at different things, specific different things. We're not so good at other things. That's kind of like... But then I don't think you can even then like, you can't really generalize to that extent because I can smash organizing a 1000 ticket event to where it is.
00:57:56
Speaker
and other statistics, organization levels wouldn't suit that social setting. So it's, yeah, like on the whole, yeah, on the whole, you can say stuff like that, but once you give it a bit more thought, it comes a bit problematic, I think.
00:58:14
Speaker
Okay, so yeah, we've talked a few things about Christmas, a little bit about what autism means, a little bit about what you can do and what other people can do. Yeah, I think
00:58:32
Speaker
That is all rounded up and all good. Amazing. Shall we talk through some of your social media links, anything that you want to put out there? Obviously I'll put them in the description. So yeah, just shoot. So we have obviously Instagram, that's where I kind of like started off. That is adult in autistic. Then YouTube is
00:59:00
Speaker
Well, you can just search adult and autistic might come up, probably won't. So wouldn't do that yet. But other than that, as a way to find me on every other platform, just head over to the blog, which will probably be up by time. This episode out, which is adult and autistic. I want to say.com. I think I bought the.com. Let's go with.com adult and autistic.com. Uh, it's not live yet. It's not live yet. Dog.
00:59:29
Speaker
Okay, that's a different URL. Is that? Yeah, that's adultswithautism.org. Oh, okay. Yeah, that's the old one. So the new one, I think I've got the .com. There was there and Twitter.
00:59:44
Speaker
I just honestly chat the most rubbish on Twitter, but it's jokes and who doesn't live a good meme every now and then. So that's T-Y-L-G-R-N-T. And yeah, you know what? I just say, you know what? For now, just go to Instagram until I sort everything else out. Just go there. That's where the most consistency is and where you can get me. Look at their description. Most days. We'll put them down. Yeah. So, um,
01:00:08
Speaker
Oh wait, oh my God, I forgot about my podcast. The adult in autistic podcast. There's a couple of episodes up there already. And I spoke with Aspie and Al, who if you're on Instagram, you'll probably see in some of her posts, she posts like Aspie tips every day. Pretty cool, really helpful girl. And has mad into BTS or like K-pop band or whatever. Then I did one about medication and autism and antipsychotics. And then I've got
01:00:38
Speaker
another one and I can't remember who I did it with or what it's about. So you're going to have to go and find out for yourself. But yeah, that's the adult in autistic podcast. Right. Well, I'll make sure to link all of that stuff down in the description so that.
01:00:52
Speaker
So yeah, I know it's sometimes, even if you have a good Christmas, you can have a few lows after, you know, with all the buildup. If you'll have a few lows, if Christmas has been bad, just try to be easy on yourself. Thank you so much for listening to this podcast episode.
01:01:14
Speaker
Let's say our goodbyes. Thank you so much for coming on the podcast. I hope to talk to you soon, and I hope that we can do something further in the future. Yeah, it'd be sick to work with you again. I'll probably get you on my podcast, not my little eye. But yeah, thanks for having me on, and yeah, talk to you soon. See you later, peeps. Do you want to say goodbye? Oh, I didn't realize I had to. Bye.
01:01:42
Speaker
See you later!