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Listen in as Dr Patti shares her wealth of experience on sex coaching.
94 Plays1 year ago
Dr. Patti Britton is a renowned Clinical Sexologist and Sexuality Educator. She brings a spirit of knowledge, playfulness and expertise through stellar credentials and experience as a globally respected leader in sexology. Not only is she a prolific author and academic, but she is also a sought-after speaker and trainer, who has created over 40 couples' sexual enhancement DVDs. Frequently featured in media outlets like Cosmopolitan, Men’s Health, Women’s Health, and Refinery29. Dr. Patti has been a popular guest on summits, TV shows, documentaries, live talk and news radio, as well as podcasts.
Dr. Patti was the featured sex coach by Oprah! in 2022, voted AASECT Sex Educator of the Year in 2016, and is the pioneer known as the “Mother of Sex Coaching”. Further solidifying her influence in the field, Dr. Patti co-founded SexCoachU, the world's leading credentialing and training institute for sex coaching. Based in Southern California, she offers private sex coaching sessions both in-person and globally via Zoom.
If you are interested in becoming a qualified Sex Coach and Clinical Sexologist then train where Liza trained, under the leadership of Dr Patti. Check out more information at https://sexcoachu.com/
Want to work with Dr Liza Thomas-Emrus? Check out more information at
https://pressingdesires.mykajabi.com
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Transcript
Introduction to Pressing Desires Podcast
00:00:03
Speaker
Welcome to Pressing Desires, the podcast exclusively for women wanting to improve their health by unlocking their mind, body, spirit and sexual wellness.
Transformative Journey and Topics Exploration
00:00:19
Speaker
Join us on this transformative journey as we explore topics that touch your soul, invigorate your body, and reignite your passions. From cultivating a resilient mindset, nourishing your physical health, awakening your spirit, and embracing your deepest desires, nothing is off limits.
00:00:45
Speaker
Pressing desires is your go-to resource, featuring expert interviews, inspiring stories of triumph, and practical tips to help you unlock your true potential. Subscribe now, and together, let's embrace our pressing desires and create a life that exceeds all expectations.
00:01:07
Speaker
Get ready to ignite your passions and live a life with more pleasure.
Meet Dr. Patti Britton: The Mother of Sex Coaching
00:01:12
Speaker
Yes, please. This is Pressing Desires, the podcast that empowers women to improve their health and go on a journey towards mind, body, spirit and don't forget sexual wellness. Hmm, I'm really looking forward to that last bit.
00:01:35
Speaker
I am really looking forward to sharing this episode with you. This episode is with Dr Patti Britton, the renowned clinical sexologist and sexuality educator. She brings a spirit of knowledge, playfulness and expertise through stellar credentials and experience
00:01:53
Speaker
as a globally respected leader in sexology. Not only is she a prolific author and academic, but she is also a sought-after speaker and trainer who has created over 40 couples sexual enhancement DVDs. Frequently featured in media outlets like Cosmopolitan, Men's Health, Women's Health and Refinery29, Dr. Patti has been a popular guest on summits, TV shows, documentaries, live talk and news radio, as well as podcasts.
00:02:22
Speaker
Dr Patti was the featured sex coach by Oprah in 2022 and voted Essex Sex Educator of the Year in 2016. She is the pioneer known as the mother of sex coaching. Further solidifying her influence in the field, Dr Patti co-founded Sex Coach You, the world's leading credentialing and training institute for sex coaching. This is where I did my training.
Interview with Dr. Britton: Her Career and Coaching Philosophy
00:02:49
Speaker
She's based in Southern California and offers private sex coaching sessions both in person and globally via Zoom. So let's get into it and see what Dr Patti can share with us about sexual wellness today.
00:03:03
Speaker
Well, thank you, Dr. Patti, for taking the time. I know it's an early start for you. It's end of the day for me, but early start for you. But thank you so much for taking the time. I know you're incredibly busy with all the work that you do. In my intro, I was just telling the audience that you're the mother of sex coaching. So why don't you start with that title and how you got on your path of becoming the mother of sex coaching?
00:03:34
Speaker
I could spend hours talking about the influences and the inspiration for creating this profession known as sex coaching. I'm the original pioneer that developed it based on my career, which was as a sexuality educator. And for years I worked as a mid-career professional
00:03:56
Speaker
going into a doctoral program in human sexuality, becoming certified, believe it or not, as a sex therapist at the doctoral institute where I studied, and then became a professor and then Dean of Students. And what occurred to me is that I just didn't really like the spirit and the style of
00:04:16
Speaker
sex therapy in the way that the luminaries really had trained us to look at sex therapy because it was from a medical perspective.
Empowerment through Coaching: A Positive Approach
00:04:25
Speaker
No offense because medical professionals as part of our sexual wellness. However, the pathologizing, the diagnostic approach was there's something wrong with you. There's a pathology going on. There's a disease. There's a brokenness that people were feeling because the language
00:04:45
Speaker
was supporting that as opposed to a language from the world of coaching, which I had really entered into in the 1990s with Thomas Leonard, the father of coaching, actually. And I was so moved by how
00:05:01
Speaker
personally uplifting the style of coaching was how empowering it was how collaborative the relationship was between the client and the coach as opposed to what I observed at the time and I think therapy has changed quite a bit that top down relationship the hierarchy of I'm an expert and I'm going to diagnose you and then I'm going to ask you how you feel for
00:05:28
Speaker
over and over and over. And what horrible thing happened to you, that pathologizing approach, rather than how I evolved this marriage of clinical sexology, which has always been how I've worked and the space I've worked in with coaching, personal coaching, that just uplifted it all. It made it a positive journey from where you are right now
00:05:54
Speaker
to where do you want to get to? So it's very person oriented and it's very goal oriented in a way without putting pressure cookers around people, people living enough pressure in our world today and even before COVID.
Dr. Britton's Journey and Evolution in Coaching
00:06:09
Speaker
And the fact that people could look at what are my goals for myself and or my relationship or relationships? And how do I get there? And how do I clear the path? So that path became my model, which perhaps we'll talk about in a little bit of time, like how do I help somebody look at the parts of the sexual self, get rid of the boulders in the road, those big blocks, and then move toward
00:06:38
Speaker
Fulfillment toward sexual wholeness healing to me is becoming whole. And so in 1993 when I earned my PhD in him and sexuality, I was this is a funny story, a friend of mine who worked at Planned Parenthood in a very small state near where I was living.
00:06:57
Speaker
met me at a conference and she said, listen, I want you to come and give a talk. And I know you're doing this new thing called sex coaching. Could you come and give a talk to professionals on how it works? And I went, uh, sure. Because I had been offering to my clients this approach, this model called sex coaching and
00:07:18
Speaker
I didn't have it deconstructed. I didn't have it written down. I didn't evolve it from looking at the research, rather the research followed it because we've highly researched how this works.
00:07:31
Speaker
So that's really how it was born. And the idea of being the mother of sex coaching is I wrote the first and the only book, it's still kind of weird, right? Nobody else has written a book on sex coaching, but me through WW Norton and Company, a very esteemed professional and academic publisher.
Sex Coach You: Global Influence and Impact
00:07:53
Speaker
And
00:07:53
Speaker
That's the textbook I used, and you know that from being a- Yeah, I read it several times. Yeah, I mean, I'm so proud that you're a graduate of what became Bringing the Book Alive, and that Bringing that Book Alive became Sex Code You, which is so interesting, that book was the turning point.
00:08:14
Speaker
So that's the evolution of kind of where I started and where I ended up. And now, of course, we have students and grads in over 80 countries all around the world and the message is out there. It's amazing. Yeah. Well, we'll definitely come on to sex coach you because it's been one of the best trainings I've ever done. So I've done multiple trainings postgraduate. Oh, thank you. I'm sure.
00:08:37
Speaker
fascinating topic and the content and the thoroughness of it, but we'll definitely come on to that because it's been one of the best trainings ever. But it's so interesting what you say there about not pathologizing.
00:08:52
Speaker
sexual challenges that people face because you know our sex lives do ebb and flow. It is definitely a journey isn't it and certainly that's why I wanted to learn more about sex coaching because I was seeing lots of women come to see me as their family physician and actually just
00:09:12
Speaker
what they were searching for isn't something that I could offer in the traditional medical sense. It wasn't what they needed and actually there wasn't anything wrong with them and you do have to take a holistic approach that does take time and you have to empower that person to find those solutions and just taking that time works, works every time.
Foundations of Sex Coaching: Holistic Approaches
00:09:35
Speaker
I love that. And you know, part of the inspiration for me over many years, because I wrote the book in the late 1990s, we'll say actually early 2000s. And it was published in 2005. And then it began
00:09:54
Speaker
to have a momentum around it because it was a new profession, a new approach, not looking at therapy, not looking at medical practice, not looking at just coaching. It's actually a derivative of the broad field of sexology, the study of what people do sexually and how they think and feel about it. It's not just another flavor of the ice cream of coaching. And I'm very pro therapy, I'm very pro medical and I'm very pro all the flavors of coaching.
00:10:24
Speaker
It's not a derivative of coaching. It is a sexological approach that's humanistic in its approach and holistic. And I love that part of the influence for me and what drives my passion is the understanding that medical schools in this country, in the United States, and I don't know the global statistics, at the time that I've been researching what is required of
00:10:50
Speaker
let's say residents and OBGYN or urology or sexual health medicine of any form, all they are required to do is take three to 10 hours of study in human sexuality.
Sexuality Education and Societal Issues
00:11:04
Speaker
And probably most of that is the pathological side is what would require a medication, what would require a surgical intervention. It's not helping that whole person reach his, her, their fulfillment, what they can attain and
00:11:20
Speaker
and clear away that the toxic shame, for example, that I know that a lot of my female clients, women who identify as female, I see that toxic shame is one of the blockades for them to relax, to feel good, to have sex with the lights on. Something so simple as letting their partner see their body naked because they have such shame about
00:11:45
Speaker
you know, as we age, you know, the neck starts having necks or aging is, you know, aging and sexuality is really my specialty and passion now because of my peer growth. And just all of the even if it's, you know, I don't like the way that my genitals look or the scent, which actually is perfume, if we can reframe how we think about that.
00:12:12
Speaker
Yeah, yeah, absolutely. Unless there is something wrong. And that's where, you know, that's where there is space for, for a medical intervention isn't it so that's the thing is I think people have this perception that the medical route is the only route.
00:12:30
Speaker
And actually that route is for a very specific problem. It's not for the broader problems. And yeah, it's very true in our training, most of it is around pathology. And interestingly, I always felt we reflected more on male pleasure, but nothing on female pleasure. So anything to do with female sexuality was only about bleeding problems, pain, dryness, or sexually transmitted infections.
00:12:59
Speaker
And pregnancy and contraception. The reproductive system. That's really what I observe. I've been in the field of sexology for over 40 years. And I've seen so much, you know, having begun my work in the 1970s in America.
00:13:16
Speaker
What I've seen is this shift, which is so exciting, away from only having research that is oriented toward males in sexuality studies and moving toward females and thinking about things like Vassan and the female
00:13:33
Speaker
sexual response cycle, which is responsive.
Awakening to Sexuality: Media and Cultural Changes
00:13:36
Speaker
And then the dual control model of desire, Emily Nagoski, Come As You Are, that book was a sea change book and Beverly Whipple, The G Spot. And I could go on because many of these people are my friends. And we've sort of grown up as sexologists together over the years in bringing about more positive information and more targeted
00:14:00
Speaker
I don't want to say, I don't want to say cure. That's not really the right word, but assistance for women to really fulfill their needs, their wants and their desires and become healthy. And not just look at themselves as well. I'm in my reproductive years or oh, the perimenopause or oh, postmenopause, it hurts or we're done. You know, I hear that so much.
00:14:27
Speaker
as women age were done, or especially if they're widowed or they're older and divorced, and they're looking at the remainder of their lives, you know, it's like, well, I'm done. Am I not? No, you're never done. You're a sexual being that's alive from birth to death. Yeah, celebrate that. And let me show you how ways that you can do that alone and or with a partner.
00:14:52
Speaker
Yeah, and I think that's the most important thing really is to highlight that, that it doesn't just end, your sex life doesn't have a finite point that it's whenever and all the time, as often as you can want to enjoy it really, isn't it? Alone or with partner partners.
Misinformation vs Evidence-Based Knowledge
00:15:14
Speaker
And do you think now, because of all these major books that are coming out that are very mainstream now, is that why you think you were featured on Oprah as her sex coach? Are people waking up and want to talk about this topic?
00:15:32
Speaker
I think so. And I think that caveat emptor to everybody watching and listening, don't believe everything you hear and read. Okay, because we have Dr. Google, which is how a lot of people get their healthcare information, you know,
00:15:48
Speaker
They just go, Oh, how about this? Oh, I think I'll Google it or whatever. And there's a lot of misinformation. It really just irritates me greatly when I hear someone say, Oh, I've gone to this website and I bought this program and this person is telling me I'm supposed to do this and that.
00:16:08
Speaker
And that unless I'm empowered, I shouldn't use a lube as I age that kind of nonsense, which is misinformation. And I'm not naming names because I honor anybody who has the courage to talk openly.
00:16:22
Speaker
and give positive information about our sexuality, especially to women. However, you have to be given accurate, comprehensive, evidence-based information. And that's why I'm so proud of what we do at Sex Coach U. But I forgot your questions. Just about Oprah. Well, the evolution of talking about sex, right? Yeah. But when I grew up, there was no talk about sex, because I'm in my 70s.
00:16:51
Speaker
And as I grew up professionally, the role model for talking openly about sex and sexuality was Dr. Ruth. Dr. Ruth Westheimer was this older woman with a cute manor, German accent, petite, lublan hair.
00:17:11
Speaker
I think I go, how do you feel about that? And talk on the radio openly about sex and had questions come in on the air. And she was a pioneer and a revolutionary really. And so if we think about it, we have been talking about it, but often it's with a kind of cutesy-ness or a mockery.
Redefining Intimacy and Self-Love
00:17:33
Speaker
And now I think we're solidly grounded
00:17:36
Speaker
in saying we all deserve to talk about sex and sexuality because sex is the word that really needs defining. Sex does not necessarily equal sexual intercourse, which equals penis and vagina sex. It doesn't necessarily mean that. It also, sex doesn't necessarily mean intimacy either because intimacy is that emotional vulnerable space where I allow you to see the true me. And for many people, sex is
00:18:06
Speaker
a hobby, an exercise, a way of fulfilling an obligation in a relationship, a stress release, or there can be authentic relating and connection and communication if two people or more decide they want to engage in a sexual act.
00:18:23
Speaker
Or self love self pleasure masturbation, which is a really important part of the teaching that we all do that the only relationship you have your whole life long is with who yourself. So, so get comfortable with that.
00:18:39
Speaker
You know, I know that you live in an area of the world where there are religious values that probably help to suppress the ability to be open. And that's true around the world. That's just not relegated to the UK or
00:18:57
Speaker
Catholic upbringing, maybe Muslim upbringing, maybe fundamentalist Christian upbringing. There are religions that are more open. The Jewish religion is very pro-sex. It's amazing, actually. But I think we have to own that talking about sex is talking about the word right behind you, our wellness. Yeah. And that's what I love about where we've moved today is that pleasure is part of health or wellness.
00:19:26
Speaker
sexuality in the discussion is openly part of our wellness as a human being, right? Yeah. Yeah, absolutely. Well, I personally think, yeah, if you can have that pleasure, that is a true marker of wellness. You know, it means that you're in very good health. If you can experience pleasure in your body, you know, not just sexually, but in pleasure in doing anything, you know, that shows that, you know, your body is actually in a good state.
00:19:52
Speaker
So it's it's so important to take that holistic approach and I think people can connect more to the you deserve wellness and we can just put that sexual wellness into it say you know you don't have to feel uncomfortable about it this is just one arm of your wellness as a as a whole.
Challenges in Relationships: Communication and Intimacy
00:20:15
Speaker
In your work, what are the most common challenges do you think that couples face around sex and intimacy, especially when people have been in longer-term relationships? They're bored. Yeah. They're bored. They're tired. But do they want to admit that they're bored? Well, I think that one of the deficits in long-term relationships, and maybe it gets back to how comfortable are we
00:20:42
Speaker
in talking openly about sex and sexuality. As couples form this relationship over time, I liken it to
00:20:53
Speaker
forming a corporation. And what I see is that I work with couples who have been together long-term sometimes who have grown kids who've never really had the conversation about what do you like? Does this work for you? Are you happy with our sex life? Do you love me? I mean, in terms of do you want to give me pleasure? Do you want to share this? Do you want to have adventures? Are we still connected in that way? Have we given up sex?
00:21:21
Speaker
or given up on sex because our bodies have changed, our relationship has changed, our kids have changed, our lifestyle has changed. And I think the greatest challenge that I see, and I see it almost in every single client, is the sexless relationship. Now remember, we're clinicians.
00:21:41
Speaker
When we get a client, we're not getting, and this is important for everybody watching, we're not getting people who are happy and everything is working. Otherwise they wouldn't seek out and pay for our services. So granted there's a slant in that I'm not talking to people who everything's great. We're having sex off chandeliers five nights a week.
00:22:04
Speaker
Which, by the way, I've never met anybody who said that. Sexlessness means there is a clinical definition for sexless, and I'm not sure I haven't memorized sex less than 10 times per year or something like that. Every two
Modern Relationship Dynamics and Touch
00:22:19
Speaker
months. And sex implying sexual intercourse, which is also a heteronormative bias,
00:22:28
Speaker
because we're living in a world today, thank God, where we can be open about our orientation. We can be more open about our identity.
00:22:38
Speaker
We don't say he, she, we say he, she, they, and other pronouns. Or we're talking about the influx of more open relationships and more relationship dynamics and styles. But sexless, I get couples who've been together for years who haven't touched each other in five to seven years.
00:23:00
Speaker
it's common and that's the fallout of sexlessness is touchless relationships and that's not an environment in which you're going to thrive and that's what's so important is getting back to touching
00:23:15
Speaker
And you know, because I've trained you, there's a model that I created. I created it in the book, The Complete Idiot's Guide to Sensual Massage is where I came to the realization about this system that I observed and then I created a model called the touch continuum.
00:23:38
Speaker
Yeah. And, and it's so important. I remember teaching in grad school once and this student comes up to me, he's like 55 years old. And he says, I know I'm in school to learn from you, but I use the touch continuum with my wife, you've changed my marriage. You saved our lives. I was like, really? Because couples are so afraid to touch emotionally
00:24:03
Speaker
express themselves through touch or even just affectionately express themselves through touch because they're worried it's a signal, now you owe me sex. Yeah, absolutely. Yeah. It's the miscommunication, right? And that just becomes, it's a bigger and bigger barrier, isn't it? It just, over time, that gets into a, just builds into a bigger and bigger and bigger wall. That's right. And I think that's, that's the hardest thing is that then they, they come to the point where they think, right, this wall is now the Great Wall of China.
00:24:33
Speaker
How do I now? And I have a toothpick. I don't know how to start chipping away at that. So that's why they come to us. We have the power tools. Yeah. So do you think that's where a sexless relationship starts then is that it just slowly creeps in where you just touch less and less over time. So it doesn't have to be like a big huge issue that's happened. Well,
00:25:01
Speaker
It's such a huge topic that one of my dear, dear colleagues and I have just started writing a book on how to, how to revive the sexless relationship. And because my model, my system of serving clients is so highly intuitive, but it's also based on the five parts of the sexual self. So the mind, the emotions,
00:25:27
Speaker
the physical self, the body, energy and spirit. So that's what makes it holistic. It's not just mind body. It's not just the emotions and the mind and the physiology. It's also got the energy and the spirit, not religion, not spirituality, but the spirit. The essence of self is what I like to help my clients rediscover or discover for the first time. Sometimes I don't even know they have.
00:25:54
Speaker
one, meaning an essence, a spirit, that little energy. I call it the little blue flame now. It's like your pilot light in your gas stove. And when the pilot light goes out, what do you do? You relight it, you reignite it. And how do you do that? You know, that takes time and skill. Yeah. So I think that there's there's so much that when you ask the question, does the sexless relationship
00:26:22
Speaker
end up being that because people stop touching. It's way more than that. It could be I'm so resentful of you that the last thing I'm going to allow you to do is to touch me or you want me to kiss you after you said that to me, or maybe it's the self talk like I'm too fat. Nobody's going to really want this body. Oh, my God, my partner, my husband, my wife, my whatever.
00:26:52
Speaker
you know, probably hates what they see if I take my top off. Or it could be just old wounds that have not been healed. Whether they're, I don't mean physical wounds. I mean, emotional wounds. You know, trauma is the big, big word today, trauma, trauma, trauma. And psychologists and therapists often lean heavily into trauma-based
00:27:17
Speaker
thinking and saying that trauma is the cause of everything and that is not my perception. I think it is a perception, it is not the answer. But to coach someone in sexology or in any other aspect of life, someone needs to be what we call coachable.
00:27:36
Speaker
And that means that if you as a client are suffering from severe depression or you're in intense grief, like many of us have been with the loss of a loved one, or you're highly, highly anxious to the point where you have OCD and you don't go out, or you can't be touched because of your neurodiversity, whatever it is, you need to really see somebody qualified in mental health care first.
00:28:02
Speaker
before you can come for coaching because coaching is very much education, reeducation, behavioral work, allowing you to feel like somebody has your back, so to speak, in that metaphoric way, like we're here for you and we're here to show you the path. You got to do the assignments that we're here to create that pathway for you and allow you to work through that path. Come to us when you get stuck or you have a celebration or a win.
00:28:32
Speaker
and get you to that place where you're fulfilled, right? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. You've got to be able to take action and you've got to be in that, you have got to be in that space.
Physical and Emotional Wellness in Sexuality
00:28:43
Speaker
So you've got to, you've got to be coachable. Yeah. You can't be impeded to the point where, well, I can't do that. Well, my mind is saying, no, I'm not good enough. Or, Oh no. Now pain is another situation.
00:28:56
Speaker
if somebody is, and again, I love working with people who are in their aging with their sexuality, because there are some real things that happen, you know, like my knees give out, someone will tell me, I can't do anything because it requires kneeling, or I can only stand for so long, or oh, my lower back, or I've got, you know, diabetes, and I have neuropathy, and I don't have feeling at the end of my toes or my digits, or I'm in,
00:29:26
Speaker
cognitive decline, whatever that may be.
00:29:29
Speaker
We have to know that to be able to address that and work collaboratively in a team like way. This is the thing about how I train people at sex code you is that we understand that we're really part of a network or a team of resources. No one works alone. So if I'm seeing clients and they say to me, and I have clients who recently did, we would like to explore maybe some light kinky play.
00:29:58
Speaker
Where should we go? Well, I have somebody who does that one-on-one with couples, or we would like to go to a fetish party. Where would I do that? Or we're interested in the tantra path, the spiritual path. Who's a good tantra teacher in the area in which we live? Because that's not done virtually.
00:30:19
Speaker
Yeah, that's going to be live. So we have to know these resources or somebody needs a chiropractor, somebody needs an excellent physician to help them with what's going on or a pelvic floor specialist, right? Yeah, you have to build your network, you know, you have to build your network of specialists as well to be able to actually help that person to reach their goals. And, you know, as you said, it's so complex.
00:30:45
Speaker
what can lead up to the problem they're facing. That's what I meant by the Great Wall of China is that there are so many things that can make that wall so long that you have to address everything and everything might need its own specific solution. Yes. I love that, the Great Wall of China. And I liken it to a train wreck. So when people are on the train, that's their relationship.
00:31:11
Speaker
and the car falls off the tracks and it's lying on its side and they feel like we're never gonna get back on that track.
00:31:19
Speaker
we're here as the mechanics, the holistic mechanics to help put that car back on the track and allow them to move forward. That's really what in many ways the metaphor for me works to help a couple who is stuck in that sexless relationship and feels like it's over. Because many of our clients will come to us and say, I think it's over. We're never gonna have sex again. Is there any hope here?
00:31:46
Speaker
Or can you revive desire? And you're an expert on desire. So this is such an interesting sidebar. Can you revive our desire? And my first question is, was it ever there?
00:32:02
Speaker
As a clinician, again, as a sexologist and sex coach, if somebody says to me, we're a couple and we're not really turned into or turned on to each other and we're here because we want you to give us passion and let us be turned on to each other. I work very hard.
00:32:24
Speaker
to assist them, to give them all kinds of strategies and tools and ideas and behaviors, but sometimes the attraction just isn't there, right? Yeah, yeah. And I think that's probably the number one thing that people come to see me.
00:32:41
Speaker
as a doctor, they want a pill. So there's this perception that Viagra will instantly give a man heightened desire, heightened libido, and women want the same. So everyone comes in going, have they invented this pill to boost desire? I'm like, well, that's not actually how that medication works. Well, there is Addie Philbesteron, did I say it right?
00:33:09
Speaker
Yeah, yeah, yeah. And, and such a controversial pill, which was designed to affect the neurotransmitter system in our brain.
00:33:19
Speaker
and activate desire in women and only an MD can prescribe it. And in this country, it provoked a lot of political backlash among sexual health providers, therapists in particular, because desire, like the sexless relationship is so complex. There are so many factors that affect our desire, but some of it is physical, like the story of hormones.
00:33:46
Speaker
And how wonderful that your patients and clients can have you support them in a way that I can't as a PhD doctor, I can't prescribe a medication. I can't assess their hormonal levels and whether they're out of balance or maybe they need supplementation, you can. So everybody who's watching and listening, how fortunate if they're near you, right?
00:34:13
Speaker
Yeah. But my message is really the medications or the hormonal therapy, that has to be like quite a small part of the whole management and actually stuff that you can do yourself.
00:34:29
Speaker
needs to have a bigger focus and the rest of it is just kind of help supplement it rather than that. That is the main bit and then all the lifestyle is optional because otherwise you just don't get the best
00:34:47
Speaker
You just don't get the best outcomes of any medicine if you don't have the foundation. Yeah, I love that. However, so Viagra and Levitra and Cialis, although I've never met anybody using Levitra in years, Cialis for sure.
00:35:02
Speaker
the male ED drug for people who don't know, men who suffer from either weak or not having erections. What I find with my clients, I do have a lot of male clients as well as females who are maybe in partnership with females and sometimes taking the Viagra or the Cialis gives them that boost
00:35:28
Speaker
onto onto the ground, the ground of okay, I know my body can do this
Mindfulness and Eliminating Distractions
00:35:35
Speaker
now. And I can get out of my head, which is where most of our clients are stuck.
00:35:39
Speaker
They're stuck in their mind, in their mental zone, above the neck, and they're not in their bodies. And one of the reasons is I'm looking for it, my phone, to hold up an electronic device, which is ruining relationships, not helping ruining relationships, especially intimate relationships where we live, life is interrupt us. This is my phrase.
00:36:03
Speaker
We're constantly in interruption mode and what we need to be sexual alone and or especially with a partner is flow. And if you're, you know, whatever the sound on your phone is for that text or that notification that, you know, oh, I have Facebook post, oh, Instagram.
00:36:28
Speaker
put it away because you're hurting yourself and your relationship and your brain. We're now seeing that the neuroscience is showing we're rewiring brains. This is not good stuff. So the idea, wow, I really went on a tangent there. I was talking about Viagra.
00:36:48
Speaker
But I think like that is really common where, you know, even in couples who are trying to have sex together, it still gets uninterrupted by their phone going off or even if they put it on silent, but the light goes and they go, oh, I must have been contacted by someone else. Right. Yeah. Oh, must be a call. And so it takes you instantly out of that moment.
00:37:12
Speaker
Exactly. And there's such a huge push today for embodiment, being present and mindfulness. And that's the holistic approach to living now. And we all need that because we're all being hijacked by our electronic devices. So back to Viagra. Why I was saying this is that for people who are in relationships watching, who are in heterosexual relationships or male-male relationships,
00:37:40
Speaker
What's important is that many men get stuck in what we call performance anxiety. They're worried, am I going to get it? Is it going to stay hard? Oh my God, I'm not going to have it. What's my heart going to think? And I sometimes with my clients, I say all that and they go, oh my God, are you in my head? And I say, well, it's common. And so my coaching for you is how to get you out of that, stop it, come into your body through breathing usually, mindfulness, breathing,
00:38:10
Speaker
and many men who have lost their full, reliable,
00:38:16
Speaker
functioning in terms of their erections, when they use the drug, even one time and they reestablish erections, they have sexual confidence. And that's that grounded level that many men need in order to then let go of the drug. So I'm very much a fan of they're using the ED medications, not all the time.
00:38:40
Speaker
but as stepping stones to get to self-empowerment. Does that
Addressing Sexual Anxiety and Building Confidence
00:38:45
Speaker
make sense? Yeah, absolutely. That's exactly how I prescribe it, actually. I will give it to men and say, actually, why don't you try it by yourself so that you get confidence and that you do lessen that
00:38:56
Speaker
those worrisome thoughts that distract you and actually it helps you get back into the swing of things. I almost compare it to sleeping tablets and say, look, lots of people have insomnia for a long time and then their brain just gets used to it and then they expect not to sleep and then they can't sleep and then they worry about not sleeping and then one night turns into the same.
00:39:16
Speaker
And then these tablets can just get you out of that cycle and then back into your body. And lots of them come back saying, yeah, that worked brilliantly. I've got my confidence back. I know there's nothing wrong with me now. I know I'm not completely broken. Or they'll say, I'll just have them again just as backup. I feel good that they're in the cupboard and they work effectively from the cupboard. That's so wonderful. And I think worry is the killer when we think about what is stopping people
00:39:46
Speaker
from having pleasure and having sexual fulfillment. It's worry. That's what performance anxiety is about. It's in your head. Worry, worry, worry. Not going to get hard. It's not going to work. Or I'm not. I know I suffer from that occasionally, which is, oh, my God, I have a I have a presentation tomorrow. I'm not sleeping. Oh, my God. Now it's another hour. I got to sleep because if I, you know, that pre-verication. Yeah, absolutely. Yeah. Yeah.
00:40:16
Speaker
So in your experience working with couples, what about this big word orgasm? So how important is orgasm and this feeling of, or people might not even realise it's goal-orientated sex?
Orgasm, Pleasure, and Exploration
00:40:35
Speaker
I just taught a workshop the day before today, and I remember the slide that I show, it's the ride, not the destination. It's the journey, not where you're headed to. On the other hand, because this may shock you, I am a big fan of orgasm because orgasm
00:40:58
Speaker
is the release. Orgasm is where all of the feel-good neurotransmitters and hormones are gushing through our bodies, not that they don't along the route. And so it's a tight rope that every human walks who's sexual alone and or with a partner because enjoying the pleasure of the experience, you know, being able to lie with your sweetheart and just hold that person's body, look into their eyes, maybe
00:41:26
Speaker
give them a kiss or just be held, whatever that our skin to skin, whatever that is. At the same time, experiencing the fullness of our ability to experience orgasm is really
00:41:42
Speaker
the ultimate. And I hate saying that because goal oriented sex puts you back in your head. You see, that's the problem. When we think about our goals, it's called think about our goals instead of experience our bodies. So the key for orgasm is ample stimulation, ample arousal. And that's really where sex coaching comes in because so many people don't know
00:42:08
Speaker
what turns them on, how to turn them on, and that it's okay to take time. So many females that I've worked with who are not orgasmic are expecting that in three to five seconds, somebody is going to go, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah. And they're supposed to pop. And instead of taking the time necessary to build up, a razzle takes time to build up, unless you're on the horny edge, which very few people are unless you're a teenager.
00:42:38
Speaker
So, or in a new relationship. Yeah. And I think that's the key, isn't it? Is that, that can change. So what turns you on and what leads to that heightened arousal can change over time. And that, you know, that can change when you're with the same partner, it can change if you were the different partner. And that's where that journey focus needs to come in, isn't
Combatting Sexual Boredom: Communication and Consistency
00:43:00
Speaker
it? Is exploration and enjoying, just, just enjoying the experience and enjoying the exploration of that.
00:43:08
Speaker
And then there's also the other tightrope.
00:43:11
Speaker
And I don't usually frame it this way, but I feel like this is appropriate given our conversation. The other tightrope is that sometimes what we need is to get out of the sexual boredom rut. So doing the same thing every time is like, OK, now, now he's going to do that and then we're going to do that. And then are we are we done yet? I could be doing my nails, she says, or he says. Yeah. But at the same time,
00:43:39
Speaker
We need excitement. We need to stimulate our dopamine receptors. That's with excitement, with surprise, new things like, oh, you just did that. Oh, that felt different. Oh, now. Or sometimes we need to be in our groove, especially for women to experience orgasm, which means if the partner is going like this on the clitoris, I'm just going to use that word generically right now.
00:44:08
Speaker
and rubbing in a certain way that works, that's building arousal, building arousal, building arousal, and that partner stops and then changes.
00:44:18
Speaker
that partner has taken her out of her groove. So this is why I'm calling it a tightrope because we need new things for stimulation, for arousal, for excitement, for the neurological change that has to take place or process that has to take place. But at the same time, what I observe and have learned and teach is that often women need to get into that groove.
00:44:42
Speaker
Yeah, stay there. That's why women say something like be patient. Don't stop. Yeah. Okay, like, okay, you're on it. Don't stop. And I think that's the key is that clear communication. You can you can tell your partner
00:44:59
Speaker
keep doing the same thing. Keep doing this. Yeah. Yeah. Don't change. Carry on. Stop. In other words, sometimes I see couples get stuck in attempting to do certain behaviors that aren't working, that aren't building arousal or excitement or connection. And what's happening is it then becomes numb or painful. And so my message is
00:45:22
Speaker
You're entitled, you own your own body. You're entitled to your own pleasure, to your own wellness. And it's up to you to communicate that either verbally, like stop or non-verbally. And what I observe is that persons who identify as males, AKA men, often have very fragile egos. So for those who are heterosexual with a female partner, the female partner has to learn how to deliver the information without sounding like a critic.
00:45:52
Speaker
Yeah, it's really important. And so being gentle, being respectful, being caring and loving and looking at this as a team effort or team play is really what I coach my couples to look at this as.
00:46:11
Speaker
So what is your advice then on how to communicate that when you're in the moment because I think that's what people find hard isn't it is how to express that when they're when they're in the moment because they don't they do fear oh well we're doing it now so I don't want to risk this just stopping or having an argument. So as a sexologist we we teach our clients
00:46:35
Speaker
Um, how to communicate outside the bedroom because when he, then this is where the great deficit is most couples get together.
00:46:44
Speaker
and they never have a conversation like they might about, well, what food do you like? Do you like pizza? Do you like pasta? Are you vegan? Do you like spicy food? They have those conversations, but do they have conversations about what's pleasurable for you? What do you like? What are you not like? What's green light, yellow light, red light? I have clients do that. Couples do that. And so in the heat of the moment, it's kind of dangerous, isn't it? To say, you know,
00:47:12
Speaker
You suck at that. No, never talk to your partner like that. But you might say, that feels really good. Or, you know, I'm getting a little numb. Could we take a quick break? So listen to the tone of my voice. The tone of our voice has a lot to do with how we communicate the emotions under our words. So learning how to be kind,
00:47:36
Speaker
being kind to each other, loving. That's the key word, being a loving person. It doesn't mean you love that other person or you're in love with them, but being loving as a being is essential because that means you're being respectful. You're holding space for them. It's vulnerable. Sex is vulnerable. And so I think also in sexology, we teach different communication dialogues and techniques and
00:48:06
Speaker
There are ways that you can ask for what you want, but I coach my female clients in particular, first know your own body, then know how does work for you, which means you have to go through your own sexual response cycle.
Self-Awareness and Partner Expectations
00:48:20
Speaker
And that means you have to learn how to touch yourself.
00:48:23
Speaker
And once you do that, you know what you need, what you want, what you like, and what you don't like. And then you can respectfully and careingly share that with a partner if you have a partner. Doesn't that make sense?
00:48:37
Speaker
makes so much sense. And I think that's been a lot of the light bulb moments that I've seen with some of my clients where they've felt so frustrated and angry that their partner doesn't know what to do to turn them on and get them to orgasm. And then when I ask, well, what is it then? Do you know what it is?
00:48:55
Speaker
And they go, well, no, I haven't. Well, they should know. Right. OK, well, it's a bit unfair to expect your partner to be able to read your mind and know exactly the path to follow when you don't actually know that path yet. That's right. And it's read your mind and read your body.
00:49:14
Speaker
And I think if we were more skilled and fluent in body reading and tuning, see, this is why mindfulness and turning off the damn phones and coming into the body and getting out of the mind and being present for yourself and with your partner is so important because it allows you to tune in. And when you tune in, you can read your partner's body. You can't read your partner's mind.
00:49:42
Speaker
you can reach your partner's body. You can feel where the tension is. You can see them, ah, relax. And so, you know, it's really like dancing, isn't it?
Prioritizing Intimacy and Relationship Maintenance
00:49:54
Speaker
It's a dance. Yeah, absolutely. So what are your techniques and advice then for couples to help to slow down and get into that present moment? Tell yourself it's okay to take time.
00:50:08
Speaker
Yeah, make time make sex a priority in your life, just like getting your kids to school, having dinner at a certain hour, just like, for those of us who do our nails, you know, your nail appointment, and the things that are priorities in your life, make
00:50:31
Speaker
having time with a partner, if you're partnered, a priority and have that be sacred, meaning it can't be broken. That's something that we hold dear to this relationship or make time for yourself. And I remember one of my favorite
00:50:47
Speaker
client couples had this really wonderful thing that they did every Sunday. They both were workaholics. They both ran a clinic together and were extremely tired all the time and their sex life gone down. And so part of how they stayed connected is they on Sunday morning
00:51:07
Speaker
They never allowed anyone to visit them, call them, and that was their time together. Now they did live in California and they had a hot tub in the backyard, a tub with bubbling hot water where they could lounge and just relax.
00:51:24
Speaker
And that's when they really reconnected. So they had that us time. And it helped them then to talk about talk about communication. How is the relationship working? And how is your not just how is your week? What did you accomplish? But how are you with us? And so having that connection with each other, where you check in about the relationship, and making commitments to spend time touching
00:51:49
Speaker
I'm going to tell you, touch is a secret weapon to getting back together.
00:51:54
Speaker
Yeah, yeah, yeah. So what other hacks have you got about to help couples then prioritise pleasure and connection and intimacy? Because I think that is the hardest thing these days, isn't it, with people with such busy lives? Yes. And I guess that's the difference when you first start getting into a relationship is that that connection and intimacy with that new partner becomes the most important thing and you will find little snippets of time
00:52:20
Speaker
somewhere and everywhere. That's right. So pretend you're dating. You know, look at it as a do or die experience. As if your lives depended on it, because they do. So staying connected.
00:52:36
Speaker
even though I dissed smartphones and electronics, now let's look at them as our helpers. So put notifications on your smartphone that at four o'clock every day, unless you're in session or something, you send a love text or a love bomb, or a sexy note
00:52:55
Speaker
to your partner, if you're partnered, and you make Wednesday nights, us night, that's date night. I have so many clients around the world who have one night a week, that's their date night. It's sexy time, they call it. And it doesn't have to be a Saturday night because we all have different schedules, but you must prioritize it. You must put it on the calendar, just like a meeting that you have to go to.
00:53:19
Speaker
because you choose to make this important in your life and whatever mechanism works for you, you make that stick because it is sacred.
00:53:29
Speaker
Yeah, yeah. And that is so key, isn't it? I think that that's the hard thing is that people prioritize so many other things in their life. And then that just slips off the, that becomes like a cherry on top rather than a, well, actually, no, this is part of your life. So find time for it, isn't it? And it's part of your wellness, the word behind you.
00:53:52
Speaker
Your wellness depends on making that a priority. Just like working out, taking walks, hydrating with water, eating healthy foods, not smoking, which is very hard for some people, minimizing alcohol intake, all of that wellness. It's all about wellness.
00:54:11
Speaker
Yeah, we're here to enjoy life.
MEBS Model and Holistic Sexual Wellness
00:54:13
Speaker
You know, this is part of enjoying the life experience, isn't it? So talking about that whole approach to life and that, you know, being more present, talk to us more. You touched on your MEBS signature model earlier, so your mind, emotions, body, energy and spirit, but tell us more about that signature program.
00:54:35
Speaker
Well, I think the best way to learn about it is to actually go to my website at drpattiebritton.com. Under the coaching tab, I actually show M-E-B-E-S and what is inside each of those, but it's mind, emotions, body and body image and behaviors, energy and spirit. And these are the five parts of the sexual self. When one of them gets blocked or they all get blocked,
00:55:03
Speaker
Things are not in flow. Remember, I talked about flow, not interruption, but flow. And that's the system that we all use to do an assessment of where our client is at when they first come in and develop our action plans around that.
00:55:19
Speaker
Yeah and it's been a great template for me as a sex coach because it makes it very simple I find and people can relate to it really easily and they step into that, oh right I get it now, I do need to be more holistic, there isn't just a quick fix and actually I do need to balance all of these in order to
00:55:42
Speaker
you know, get what I deserve. That's right. That's right. They need to all be open channels for flow to take place and then between two people if somebody is with a partner.
00:55:53
Speaker
Yeah, yeah. And you mentioned earlier about boredom and how boredom can be that kind of seed that starts infecting the enjoyment of sex life, but how can couples then start exploring and experimenting together? How do you recommend people approach that topic? Because that can feel a bit intimidating for some people. Baby steps.
00:56:19
Speaker
When I have couples say, oh, we want to open our relationship. And I'm thinking of bringing a third person in stop right now, baby steps. And I think that's why probably one of the biggest reasons why sex coaching is so powerful is because we can understand and help a client look at what is it that you really want? Is there something in the way that really hasn't been spoken about or identified?
00:56:48
Speaker
And then we help clear that and then we can help guide that client along the way, like Hansel and Gretel putting out the breadcrumbs. You know, just step by step by step, looking at how can we build adventure?
Encouraging Playful Intimacy and Breaking Routines
00:57:04
Speaker
And asking the client, you know, what might be fun for you because sex is play. And so allowing a couple to understand, I'm thinking of couples right now, what's play for you? You know, maybe you enjoy, I just saw a video of a friend of mine.
00:57:20
Speaker
on a cruise ship doing axe throwing and I was astounded that a cruise ship has axe throwing. It was ecstatic fun for this person to and I've done it and it's it's hard it's fun so maybe you go together and you say oh my god or
00:57:43
Speaker
I remember once a couple came to me and they were on a vacation weekend and it was like, okay, what are we going to do? And they went bowling together. Well, you know, bowling balls. I don't know if you have them where you are. Yeah.
00:57:58
Speaker
I was like, you want bowling? Yeah. And we each had the same score. It was so much fun. And we felt so close doing that that we came home and made love. OK, so that's open up. Play play together and connect. I think that's.
00:58:16
Speaker
what people assume that actually exploring and trying new things is just related to the bedroom, isn't it? Just introducing a new kink or a new costume or whatever. But actually, it can be anything. It can be anything that builds that intimacy and doing something new together and getting out of that routine. Yes, breaking the routine. SSDD, same stuff, different day, not going to work. That's sexual boredom. Yeah.
00:58:47
Speaker
Okay, so this has been so fascinating, such an interesting topic, particularly for me as a sex coach. I'm sure lots of people would be interested in this field. I know lots of people I've spoken to have never heard about sex coaching. It's fairly new in the UK.
Sex Coach You Training and Empowerment
00:59:04
Speaker
And I can highly recommend training with your school of training. So tell us a bit about sex coaching if there are listeners out there who are keen to join this profession. Well, it's
00:59:17
Speaker
the original, the world's first comprehensive, actually the world's first sex coach training and certification program. And it was born out of the publication of the book, which is really a textbook, the art of sex coaching that I mentioned earlier. And we train professionals who are aspiring to become trained and certified working in this field of sexology in the modality called sex coaching, which we've talked about as well. And
00:59:47
Speaker
anyone can apply. However, it's pretty rigorous to be accepted. I don't know if you even know that. Yeah. Yeah. Cause I remember being interviewed and having to apply. And it doesn't mean that you have to have a license as a mental health practitioner or be a medical doctor or be anything in terms of board certified or licensable. What it means is that you have a calling.
01:00:11
Speaker
You have a passion to help people reach sexual wellness and fulfillment. And you like what you heard in terms of the style and the flavor, the approach, which is so positive. And it's just an uplifting way of bringing a client, clearing those boulders from the road that are in there.
01:00:33
Speaker
the Great Wall of China, giving them the tools to break it down and become sexually free. And that word, that sexual freedom word is really important. I remember years ago having a small online program called the ISSR, the Institute for Sexual Self-Realization.
01:00:57
Speaker
Because that's really what it's about as a very kind of clinical term, but helping people overcome whatever's stuck in their way, whatever their roadblocks are as an individual or in their relationship. And it's very comprehensive training. It takes time. There are 21 courses in sexology and coaching.
01:01:18
Speaker
and a comprehensive full entrepreneurship business training program called BOSS. It's very exciting to have created this as my baby in the world. It's my mission to train as many qualified
01:01:37
Speaker
sex coaches as possible before I depart this planet who are competent and caring and qualified to really provide this space because sex, I always say sex is complex, layered and deep. It's not a simple fix. You don't go to a weekend course and get certified as a something coach and then you can deal with the intimacy and
01:02:06
Speaker
the reality of how comprehensive our sexual self is. And how do we really help a person free themselves from what stops them? So Sex Coach U, we have open enrollments now every two months. And you can pop over to sexcoachletteru.com. Check it out. We have free webinars and
01:02:27
Speaker
We have info sessions and you can see sex coaching and action as well. It's very exciting what we do demos. It's really, it's an amazing program. I have an amazing team. I love my students like you. I love my team who are all graduates of the program, by the way. And we're really here to serve and to bring about sexual healing for the whole world.
Celebrating Self and the Joy of Intimacy
01:02:52
Speaker
Cause it needs it. Well, it's very comprehensive and
01:02:56
Speaker
all the information is fascinating. So it's a very interesting qualification to do. Everything I found was interesting and fascinating. So yeah, I'll obviously put the links in the show notes so that people can follow that if they feel a calling towards this profession as well. But yeah, just to close, why don't you share your one tip for people when it comes to sexual wellness?
01:03:19
Speaker
Celebrate yourself first. And there are two messages embedded in that. It all begins with you and your relationship with yourself. So you got to get clear about that. And you've got to get into a positive self regard.
01:03:35
Speaker
in order to share yourself with someone else. And I want to say, interesting, celebrate. So celebrate that, that gets back to the message before, which is, it's a celebration and sexist adult play.
01:03:51
Speaker
So see if you can access that playful part of you and bring that into the bedroom and bring that spirit of play and joy and enjoyment into your life as a whole. And you're going to have it all. How's that? Perfect. No, that is perfect.
Closing Remarks and Gratitude
01:04:09
Speaker
Perfect tips. I knew you'd have a good tip as the mother of sex coaching, of course.
01:04:13
Speaker
Well, thank you so much for your time. That has been such a great conversation. And yeah, hopefully once your book is ready, then we can talk again at that point. It sounds great. Thank you so much for having me. This was delightful. Thank you, Dr. Fatty. Bye. Have a good day. Bye. Bye.