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Episode 13. Sex & mindfulness.
45 Plays7 months ago
Welcome to episode 13 and today I am chatting to Sex and Relationship Coach, Keeley Rankin.
She believes all people want to experience mind-blowing, earth shattering, soul cleansing sex. She uses time-tested, practical and body-based methods that really work to help individuals and couples move through their physical and emotional intimacy struggles. The result is that sex becomes playful, fulfilling and invigorating. She helps people just like you to reach true erotic potential.
Check out her website https://www.keeleyrankin.com/ to arrange coaching sessions or take her Sex Class. Follow her on Instagram @keeleyrankinintimacycoach too!
We discuss sex and mindfulness, how to have better sex, how to rekindle desire and her work in helping couples navigate sex parties!
As always stay in touch with me via email info@pressing-desires.com or DM via the social media channels Instagram, Facebook or Threads @pressingdesires
Remember to let me know the results of your Red/Amber/Green light act from this show! Sex parties are the topic this week so are they a red, amber or green for you?
You can see my website https://pressingdesires.mykajabi.com/ or www.pressing-desires.com and sign up to my emails and get your free ebook there.
Let me know your thoughts on this show, I’m always keen to hear your views.
Love and light
Dr Liza
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Transcript
Welcome and Podcast Introduction
00:00:03
Speaker
Welcome to Pressing Desires, the podcast exclusively for women wanting to improve their health by unlocking their mind, body, spirit and sexual wellness.
00:00:19
Speaker
Join us on this transformative journey as we explore topics that touch your soul, invigorate your body, and reignite your passions. From cultivating a resilient mindset, nourishing your physical health, awakening your spirit, and embracing your deepest desires, nothing is off limits.
00:00:45
Speaker
Pressing desires is your go-to resource, featuring expert interviews, inspiring stories of triumph, and practical tips to help you unlock your true potential.
00:00:59
Speaker
Subscribe now, and together, let's embrace our pressing desires and create a life that exceeds all expectations.
00:01:07
Speaker
Get ready to ignite your passions and live a life with more pleasure. Yes, please. This is Pressing Desires, the podcast that empowers women to improve their health and go on a journey towards mind, body, spirit and don't forget sexual wellness.
00:01:28
Speaker
Hmm, I'm really looking forward to that last bit.
00:01:35
Speaker
Hello, hello, and welcome to episode 13 of the Pressing Desires podcast. I'm your host, Dr. Liza and I'm so excited to bring this episode to you, which is all about sex and mindfulness. Now you all know that I am a massive advocates of advocate of mindfulness and how we need to hone this skill in order to heighten our intimate pleasure.
Meet Keeley Rankin: Your Sex and Relationship Coach
00:01:59
Speaker
So today's episode is with the sex and relationship coach Keeley Rankin, who is a highly, highly sought after sex and relationship coach out of San Francisco. So Keeley believes that all people want to experience mind-blowing, earth-shattering, soul-cleansing sex.
00:02:17
Speaker
That sounds good, doesn't it? And she uses time-tested, practical and body-based methods that really work to help individuals and couples to move through their physical and emotional intimacy struggles. The results she gets is that sex becomes playful, fulfilling and invigorating. Exactly what we're all after, isn't it? So she really helps people just like you to reach their true erotic potential. Another aspect of her work is that she works with couples to navigate sex parties, which is a very interesting aspect of her work. And in that sense, as we always do the red, amber, green-like game at the start of this podcast, the act I wanted to share with you or get you to reflect on today is sex parties. So are sex parties a red, amber, or green for you? So red meaning definitely not never, I would never consider that.
00:03:12
Speaker
Amber means maybe, depends, I would need to think about it, depends where, who's there, etc, etc. And green means, hell yes, definitely, it's my regular, or I've been before and I loved it, or I definitely want to arrange it. What is a sex party for you? Is it a red, amber, or green? And then remember to discuss that with your partner, see what their results are as well, and let me know. I'm always interested to know your red and green light results, so remember to DM me on Instagram at @pressingdesires or email me as always on info at pressing-desires.com. So if you want to connect and follow Keeley who is our guest today, check out her website, www.keelerankin.com. That's in the show notes, you can find it there. She does online coaching sessions, but she's also got a new course coming out called The Sex Class, so watch out for that. And the best place to follow her is on Instagram, and she is at Keeley Rankin Intimacy Coach over on there as well.
00:04:17
Speaker
Okay so without delaying any further let's go in today's episode and as always stay in touch with me at pressing desires on all the social media channels or email me info at pressing-desires.com but check out the show notes below and let me know what you think of today's episode let's get into it!
Redefining Soul-Cleansing and Mind-Blowing Sex
00:04:38
Speaker
OK, well, welcome. Welcome, Keely. I'm so glad to have you on the Pressing Desires podcast and really appreciate your time because I know how how busy you are with all of the work you do as a sex and relationship coach. and The intro to this was just talking about how you work with individuals and couples to help them have
00:04:58
Speaker
Well, mind-blowing. What else did you say? Mind-blowing, soul-cleansing and earth- Ball draining. Yeah, there's the ball draining in there too. Which sounds incredible. and But why don't you start off and just tell us, what is that? What is soul-cleansing and mind-blowing sex? What does that mean to you? Yeah, well, when I think about people, so so the work that I often do with folks is help them get reconnected to pleasure in their body. So working through different ways in which they've been stuck or disconnected or are turning away from the access to pleasure that we all truly genuinely have in our bodies. yeah And soul cleansing and earth shattering sex is actually going to look different for each individual person.
00:05:42
Speaker
And when I think about what my work is with people, it's to help them see like what small walks are they living in, what have they been told through society, told through their their family system, all the different things that they've sort of acquired over time that they're carrying around. And how can we see that, sort of see if if some of it is working, like if some of that is some of their core values, like sometimes with religious folks, it's like part of the container is part of their core values in the way that they want to live. So we can't totally take everything off. But for many folks, it's like, yeah, actually, I want to really shed a lot of these layers and just step into what is possible with my body and what is possible with pleasure and really what's possible with our our genitals and that
Tackling Common Sexual Challenges
00:06:22
Speaker
erotic energy flow.
00:06:23
Speaker
Yeah, yeah. So when people first come to you, what what what generally is there and their challenge or what are they what do they tend to ask for for help with? So one of my subspecialties is male performance struggles. So I do tend to get a lot of men who struggle with the most common are erectile dysfunction, early ejaculation, premature ejaculation, or delayed orgasm. So there's a chunk of folks that come to see me to work on that. Then I have like the couples who show up, which is typically desire discrepancy. One person wants to ask more than the other. And then what it turns out is oftentimes it's not just desire discrepancy. It's like there's a lot of pieces in the relationship that aren't working. One person's not getting the type of sex that they want. They're not able to communicate. And sometimes one person doesn't know who they are erotically or who they are erotically has changed so much that they they feel like they're living in ah ah a body of a stranger.
00:07:20
Speaker
yeah And then there's a huge chunk of people that just come to see me because they're like, sex has never been fun. They could be partnered or single, but it's just like sex has never been fun. And they're like, I've been told this is supposed to be fun and it hasn't been, so help.
00:07:38
Speaker
Well, what I find is there are so many women who are used to having compliant sex, where, you know, they're, they're sort of happy to do it, but it's sort of something I've got to get on with. And, oh, I haven't done it in a while. So I better, I better take this off the list. And they just get into that pattern of that becomes their normal, that becomes then their normal sex life until they read something or someone has said something and that it just kind of is a bit of a light bulb on where they go, oh, I'm not really sure if that's my experience of sexual intimacy. And it's certainly not earth shattering or mind blowing or soul awakening like like you describe it. And they certainly think, oh, maybe I should be searching for information on that. And actually, it's quite, it's quite hard to find
00:08:26
Speaker
the answer to that if you're just looking it up by yourself, isn't it? right well you know i there can be this experience in long-term partnerships where we've decided that in monogamy, in commitment, that we are supposed to be offering sex,
The Issue of Obligation Sex in Long-Term Relationships
00:08:45
Speaker
right? Like if we're in a committed relationship that we are only having sex with each other, there's often not a discussion around that. I'm in San Francisco, so there's often quite a bit of discussion around monogamy, which is the choice of sex outside of the relationship in a consensual way.
00:09:00
Speaker
But for most folks, it's not a discussion. It's like we're in a relationship, we're committed, and we're only having sex with each other. And over time, there are lacks this curiosity, maybe within ourselves about our own eroticism or within the couple. And then this feeling comes on of like, I have to offer sex. I have to give sex. Even though this isn't pleasurable for me, this is what we do. This is the role. And for women specifically, right? This is the role of the wife. I give sex to my partner. He makes move and I you know give him what he wants. And that buildup over time is really, um,
00:09:36
Speaker
often leads people to a space where they don't want to have sex at all. Like they just move further and further and further away from it because there's nothing pleasurable in it. Like I would also wouldn't want to do that. Like obligation sex sounds, but sounds really awful. Oh yeah. Awful. Awful and boring. And boring. Right. Right. No one wants to do that. um And it is really hard to find good advice because I think there was this, um, I think when sex started to become more normal to talk about, at least in the United States, there was this wave of like these cosmopolitan magazines and this like how tos and how to give a blow job. But what it really misses is what's actually pleasurable for the individual person. And that is so unique. It requires this curious exploration and knowing what to look for and then opening and all of these places, which is yeah, it would be hard to just find that online in an article for sure.
00:10:33
Speaker
Yeah,
The Impact of Porn on Sexual Education
00:10:34
Speaker
it's so true. It's either like something super short in a magazine, which doesn't kind of address the complexities of it, or it's porn, as in the way that people try and use that as education, which you know doesn't work at all. um And a lot of people can't understand the fact that, you know, that's performance by someone who is acting and is not a a reflection. And and even the professional, that they like sex professionally, right? Yeah, they it's like their job. but so work really be hard to be able to do what they can do. And that's not not your average person. And even your amateur stuff is not a reflection of what that couple's natural pattern might be. It might be that they're just, you know, performing or it's something unusual for them. But I think that's where people miss the point of porn, really. They don't use it as entertainment, do they? They just use it as comparison.
00:11:28
Speaker
Yes, porn is such an interesting space. I actually consult for the porn industry. I helped a really cool um ah production company match people, match actors up, performers up based on their erotic interests, actually. And it's been fascinating to watch it unfold. They've been live for about six months. and And it's really interesting because it's a lot of times, I mean, there's like the world of porn is so complex. And when I started consulting, I sort of went and did some interviews with people and I was like, wow, I had really had no idea. Like, I mean, it's a huge business. We know this. It brings in like three times the amount of money that Hollywood does. I mean, it is this monstrosity yeah but ah of a complex. And yeah, it's not education.
00:12:13
Speaker
It's just not. I think in some perspectives porn can demystify. It can offer people access to fantasies that maybe would have taken them longer to get to. But in terms of it actually educating people, yeah, it's it's a far cry from what most people's sexual bedrooms look like. That's for sure. Yeah. So tell us more about that way you interview um porn actors then and yeah how do you match them up, how would you not
Matching Performers in the Porn Industry by Erotic Blueprints
00:12:43
Speaker
do that? and And I don't match them up, essentially. They they take a quiz. yeah And it's based on these five blueprints. So there's this idea by a woman named Miss Jaya, and she created this idea called the five blueprints, which is really familiar, if anyone's familiar with the Gary Chapman's five love languages. Yeah, yeah. It's similar to that. it's It's similar. It's sort of like, here are these five ways that people can be sort of like bunched into these categories. And
00:13:10
Speaker
based on all these different things, like which category do you fit in? Like what's your primary blueprint, your secondary, like all of these different pieces. And so I made that into a quiz for folks to take. And so the performers will take it and then based on sort of like where they are, they'll get paired up with another performer that's participating in this program. Yeah. Oh, interesting. And do you find that you can um extract that then to your average couple as well? Oh yeah. The blueprints are very, very, very helpful. And actually also I really recommend that a lot of single people learn blueprints too, especially if you're out dating, because knowing when you meet someone and you end up in bed with them and how their body's responding to a certain type of touch or something that you say, like depending where they are, if you say pussy, that is going to freak
00:13:58
Speaker
one blueprint out or another blueprint is like, tell me more, call me a slut. But if you go that direction with someone that's a different blueprint, you're going to lose them. They're going to run out the door like screaming. you know And so there is actually, I think, a huge benefit in just everyone learning their erotic blueprint. I think we should all be talking about it more of like, where is this space around sexuality? But so often we get stuck in this like porn like genitals, intercourse, just going for it, which is the sexual blueprint, which is the number three blueprint. And we don't give anybody and more space. Sometimes a lot of women will get pegged as the central blueprint, which is like they really want ambiance and a date and a nice space. And they want to feel, you know, lots of sensual touch, all of these things.
00:14:45
Speaker
But that's also not
Evolving Sexual Interests Over Time
00:14:46
Speaker
true. Not all women want that. yeah Not all men want just this genital-focused sex. And you put that on a lot of people. And I think a lot of my work is helping people shed those layers, even for themselves sometimes. Like, yeah I'm supposed to be this way because of my gender. And it's like, oh, no, but what but what do you really like? what actually feels good for you. That's what we're after here. That's what this is all about. Yeah, absolutely. Well, that's what I tend to find that most, most women who come to me have no idea what works for them anymore. um Or they've like forgotten or what used to work doesn't work anymore. And now they kind of think, Oh, well, I must, my desire must be totally absent because
00:15:28
Speaker
what worked before doesn't therefore now my whole sex life must be over and it must it must be impossible to to get that desire back but that's actually not true is it it's just a common stage that lots of people can get to well i think what we don't normalize enough around sexuality is how often and how completely our sexuality can be changing you know we're like oh our bodies change oh you know, well, these things change, but we don't talk about our sexuality changing. We sort of are like, okay, this is who I am sexually. I married this person and 10 years later I'm supposed to want all the same things or, you know, and and it's, our sexuality is so much more complex than that.
00:16:11
Speaker
Yeah. And so we really need like an arsenal of tools to sort of see, like throw things in the air and see like what, what turns us on. Yeah. yeah And that's a, that's a hard thing. Oftentimes, you know, the blind going out, the blind making the blind, like trying to figure out what that is. it Again, that's sort of what my work is. It's like, okay, let's try try some of these things and get curious and be exploratory. And just make it playful, isn't it? Because I think that's the that's the art that's often lost is that playful and that kind of willing to explore and and not worry about whether or not you know the answer or not. is just It's not really about the answer. It's about the exploring and and the experience. but I think lots of, um well, certainly lots of my clients tend to be in
00:16:57
Speaker
long-term committed relationships or you know very standard monogamous relationships and what they find hard is bri bringing about that conversation of you're doing the same thing and it doesn't work for me but the partner thinks it's always worked so it should still work and they find it really hard to navigate that conversation without it becoming offensive to the other partner. So the other partner tends to get on the defensive saying, well, I'm doing the same thing. So, um you know, you liked this six years ago, why don't you like it anymore? We did this at that hotel and you loved it. So you should, you know, don't you still like it? Yeah, right. Yeah. And then I find that the
00:17:38
Speaker
the, the, well, my clients tend to be female, so they tend to say, I can't bring it up anymore, because I'd rather get it over and done with than extend it out into a potential argument about it. And then they just get stuck in that same cycle of well that doesn't solve the problem either because you're you're trapped in this right this sex life that you say is fine and your you're willing to carry on but it's not actually giving you any happiness or pleasure or real connection with your partner which is something that would be totally transformative and so much fun and and so good for you in health and and you know physical health, mental health. um So
00:18:22
Speaker
often trying to go, right, let's prioritize this because it'll be worth it. And once they get that result, it is totally worth it, isn't it? Right. Right. It's like demystifying that our sexuality stays the same. So it's just this trying to help, I think, that everyone understand like our eroticism is changing. So when we come to our partners and say like, hey, this thing we've been doing isn't working, if everyone just was like, oh, yeah, well, yeah, of course, sexuality changes. Sure, it's not working anymore. And no one took it personally. I think that would be huge, a huge component of it. yeah And same for men as well, isn't it? Because particularly with men with um a premature ejaculateulation ejaculation or delayed ejaculation, often that's for similar complexities to ah women who have problems with reduced libido or reduced desire. I mean, kind of complex holistic approach, I suppose. Absolutely. Well, and then I think the second part is starting to normalize that these aren't just one and done conversations. I think because sex can be so uncut
00:19:22
Speaker
uncomfortable and just odd like we We don't go around in our day-to-day, I mean, most people don't, I do, but most people don't go around talking about these really vulnerable private matters in their day-to-day life.
Discussing Sexual Dissatisfaction with Partners
00:19:36
Speaker
And so when we come to talk about sex, we're starting to use words like, if I'm gonna say to my partner, I'm really not liking the way you're eating my pussy anymore, I'm not liking the way you're going down on me, or I'm not liking the way you're licking me, whatever the language is. And then I have to describe what I would want to be different. Like that is a challenge for people, for most individuals.
00:19:55
Speaker
yeah and because we just don't use those types of words out in the world. And also, it's an all of this is an ongoing conversation, which I think is scary sometimes for people. One, because I think they put a lot of pressure on themselves, like, I have to get the conversation right, I have to time it just right, and then we have to have this, like, nice bow around it at the end. Yet, it it really, all of these things are ongoing conversations. like They truly are. Because if we take this sense of, like, your sexuality is always changing, You're going to have to continue to have the conversation in an ongoing way. yeah And that can feel daunting to folks where they're like, I'm just trying to have one conversation. I'm not trying to have this be a conversation that I'm regularly having. And so it's getting over that. it's It's getting more comfortable talking about sex in general and knowing that any little step towards the conversation is actually really, really helpful and breaking free of that. I don't talk about sex space that can happen for people.
00:20:54
Speaker
And what do you think about him and the fact that people can often feel more comfortable talking about sex when they're not in long-term committed relationships? So if they're having one-night stands or just casually dating, then they're happy to talk with their friends about, oh, I had this last night, and this is what we did, or this was incredible, or this was really awful with this person. so have like much more free and and open with sharing their intimate experiences compared to when they are in long-term committed relationships. Have you noticed a difference with how open people are? For sure. You know, I actually, I remember a conversation I was having with this woman I've been working with and she said, it's the oddest thing. You know, I feel like my friends and I always used to talk about sex and then when we got married, it's like off the table.
00:21:46
Speaker
We don't, we don't talk about our sex with our, our husbands now. So I think there is a taboo in some social circles and in some
Taboos in Long-Term Relationships
00:21:55
Speaker
spaces. And I think it's probably fairly common of like, when I really like someone, I'm not going to talk about that. I think men have that. Like, Oh, you know, I talk about like getting the girl, but if I really like her, then I'm not going to talk about her that way. So there's this like respect component and then
00:22:15
Speaker
You know, I think when it gets into deeper stuff, which is what we're talking about when we talk about long-term couples, a one-night stand can only, it can be life-changing, but it can only be so deep at the end of the day because there's not much at risk. Deepness has a lot to do with the vulnerability or the risk factor. yeah If you don't know someone's name, it's unlikely that you're going to feel super at risk of anything vulnerable really truly happening so you can put more out there knowing like it doesn't really matter if this person thinks this thing of me because I won't see them again after an hour from now. Yeah, there's a risk a lower risk in many regards that allows people to explore places inside of themselves where if you're married to someone
00:22:57
Speaker
getting separated is a whole bunch of different navigations. That's not just going to be like I'm walking out the door in an hour. So if I tell my partner, like, I've been secretly thinking about X at Y and Z, there's a potential that they're going to see you in a different light, which is a big risk. Yeah. And I think that's that's why it becomes such a taboo when it when it comes to like changing your change or ah changing sexual identity is we just don't talk about it with our closest friends when we're in committed relationships. So you kind of lose that whole what's normal and because but the only discussions are
00:23:39
Speaker
and those kind of non-committed casual relationships, so no one's got a point of reference then, and no one can share the, oh, I was in that kind of struggle, and then the following steps really helped us as it us as a couple, and now we're at this point. You know, we've missed sharing those kind of life experiences, and Which is such a shame, isn't it? is Yeah, right the secretiveness or the fear of I'm being disrespectful Like I'm being disrespectful of my partner if I share about our sex life. It's private yeah Or people will judge me because the truth is some people will judge you And that's really hard. I mean sex is such an interesting Our eroticism has such a strong reaction to shame. Mm-hmm
00:24:28
Speaker
If we experience that someone is shaming us or judging us and we are like, oh, like I'm realizing I can't say that, our sexuality will go completely underground with that person. It will not surface again. It's very unlikely. And I think that has a huge component with friends too. ah Yeah, absolutely. You need such an element of trust to express that, that vulnerability and to really kind of face up and unveil who you really are. Yeah. And that is hard, isn't it? Particularly when, you know, most of us don't know our true erotic potential, you know, because it's ever evolving. We all know who our true potential is because it just changes all the time. Right.
00:25:13
Speaker
and and our boundaries change, which is the other aspect of it. so Tell us your tips then. if you're If you're someone who's completely lost and you don't feel you're connected to your erotic being or you're not really enjoying sex and you kind of think, oh, I could do without it. You know, there was a common words that I hear of, I wouldn't be bothered if I didn't have sex ever again. Right. i' Very common. and what's What's your first advice then for someone who's in that situation?
Understanding Low Sexual Interest
00:25:47
Speaker
Well, I think the first thing we would want to just say is like, you're not alone. Many, many, many people at some point, especially in long-term relationships, find themselves sort of in this place of like, what's in sex for me? There's nothing here. ah Like, I could never do this again. And actually that's an okay place to be. I think there was a time in my practice, I've been working for, what am I going on? Like 15 years. And there was a time in my practice where I would have been like, no, everyone has this huge erotic potential. Like we have to help you find it. But I think what's true is that for some folks, like there, there isn't an interest actually. And that's okay. You're not broken. You're not damaged. For some people it's just not in their high priority list. Like, you know, sex is about pleasure.
00:26:33
Speaker
And I think food is also about pleasure in many regards. And some people just eat because they just need sustenance and they're going to die without food and water. And so they'll just put some food in their body. They don't really care what it is. And other people are spending thousands and thousands of dollars in traveling the world to go to the best restaurants in the world because they love food and that is their pleasure. but And sex can be the same. And so I think de-stigmatizing that like, You don't love sex? Oh, like poor you, we've got to get you to find it. that That's not going to get anyone anywhere. It's just another layer of shame. It's another layer of making people feel bad about themselves. Yeah. why It's only a problem if it's a problem. Right. Right. So thought my first question is, is this actually a problem? Is it a problem for you or is it a problem for someone else? for Right. Yeah. Or is it a problem for someone that you don't even know or the general society thinking? Yes. Maybe it is a problem. Maybe it isn't a problem. Right. You know, oftentimes women will show up in my office, so sometimes men too, but primarily women. And they'll say like, you know, my husband says I have to work on this or our marriage is over. And the first thing we do is try and ah figure out like, is there any part of them that is curious about pleasure?
00:27:49
Speaker
Any little part, it doesn't have to be a huge, ginormous part, but just the tiniest part that's like, are you curious if sex could be mind-blowing? Is there any part? So if that exists within you, then I normally say the first step is just getting in touch with our bodies.
Rekindling Your Erotic Self
00:28:06
Speaker
Our body is our biggest resource, our biggest tool with eroticism. Sex happens in the body. And so getting curious about pleasure in our bodies and actually getting out of our heads, like starting to separate the brain, separate all these thoughts, separate like, I'm never going to figure this out. I'm not sexy. I don't look good. I look different. Something's, you know, something's wrong with me. All of this stuff that goes on in people's internal world and just getting back into the body, learning how to breathe in a pleasurable way.
00:28:33
Speaker
learning how to touch your own body and a pleasure boy, learning how to move your body and a pleasure boy, learning about what you can do to, you know, um, celebrate your body. Like I know for me, wearing lipstick is such a heat, like a thing that makes me feel really sexy. Like, I could have not showered in a few days and be wearing the worst, dirtiest clothes. But if I have lipstick on, I feel like a million dollars. And so it's also starting to figure out like what makes you feel, sometimes we're just starting with comfortable, but then like what helps you feel sexy and going on that journey and engaging sometimes in things that are societal like makeup.
00:29:14
Speaker
And sometimes that's not, like sometimes people are like, I don't care about that, that doesn't do anything. But for other people, it's like, oh, buying really beautiful and sexy lingerie and wearing that under my clothes at work, like I suddenly feel different. My eyes are open a little bit more, I'm a little more awake. And there's this, huh, wonder what else is out there? yeah and So that's sort of what we're looking for in the very beginning is like sort of igniting that internal place and seeing like, where can we help soften the edges of the relationship with pleasure? Yeah. And often it is just really little things like that, which seem really obvious, but i you know, people do get very set in
Importance of Solo Sexual Exploration
00:29:53
Speaker
their ways, don't they? So sometimes even just doing something slightly different.
00:29:57
Speaker
you know, like a new shade of lipstick, like I'm the same as you. I like having like a lipstick everywhere. So like there's one in my handbag, there here is one in my car. There's always one somewhere because I just think, oh, that just kind of lights me up a bit, you know, and lights lights up my face. So I i look interested in in other people if I've got if i've got my lipstick on. and But yeah, as you said, sometimes it's just doing something slightly different is enough to change the course of the of the journey. Right,
Enhancing Sexual Experience through Communication
00:30:29
Speaker
right. And I also think about like the first step is really getting back connected with ourselves. It's like getting connected with, you know, there's two ways humans are sexual. There's solo play, so like masturbation, and then there's partner to play one or more people. And often I think that the journey has to start within the self first, though the pleasure has to start like
00:30:49
Speaker
What is happening in your own body when you touch your own body? How do we find arousal in your own system? Not necessarily and then not necessarily like, how can your partner turn you on? yeah And that creates that really big dependency. Like we want, especially in long-term relationships, we want each person to come with their own authentic sexuality and showing up and meeting the other and playing off of the experience. yeah And there does seem to be like a ah bit of an expectation that your partner should kind of know.
00:31:19
Speaker
And they, you know, why aren't they able to do this? Or why aren't they responding to my my cues that, why aren't they changing what they're doing to ah to adjust to what I'm doing? But it's a bit unfair, isn't it, to think, well, it's all down to the partner to kind of read your body language if you've not kind of talked beforehand of let's kind of slow down all the cues and learn what our bodies are actually saying. and learn that kind of body language and and how to respond and what to do. Right, learning another person's body and learning
00:31:58
Speaker
I mean, it's it's just, it's not even like a possibility. I mean, we can learn what we know from our get past experiences. But if we go in this premise of like, it's always changing, there has to be communication. I mean, there's just no way around it. Good sex, amazing, good, soul cleansing or shattering, fall, draining sex does not happen without communication. It just does not, it's not possible. And also people make mistakes, but they do something and it accidentally hurts their partner or they say something and it turns their partner off or the body makes a funny noise. I mean, things happen, but there's a flexibility in the couples that are having really great sex hu because they're not taking themselves too serious. They're in that, which you have mentioned earlier, which I think is such a huge and really important places that it's, it's play, it's adult play.
00:32:47
Speaker
Yeah yeah and I think then you're not so worried then about those kind of mistakes or those mishaps or ah you can move past them a lot quicker so if some of the other partner or partners do say something that they think oh I don't really like that word or I don't really like how you've performed there it doesn't become a big huge thing which then spirals you into lots of negative thought pattern you can pull it back in back into the present and ah adjust things a lot quicker if you do take that more playful thing of, well, I don't have any expectations, but we'll just keep moving things forward and not not focus on um when things are going backward. And sometimes I often will say to couple to people who are really in like that stuck place, go take an improv class.
00:33:34
Speaker
o Because they those the sort of improv catchphrase, you don't know what the person you're assigned to work with in that class is going to say and you just have to roll with it. like It's a really great practice for being in the bedroom with someone. yeah It's like you know when you're a kid and you're playing with mud and the other kid actually drops the mud on the ground, It's just like you you roll with it. It doesn't, you know, you just, you're like, okay, well, like now we're going to step on the mud. You know, there's this rolling with in play that I think often because sex has so much pressure on it and people are taking it so seriously and it can be very serious yeah and for it to be really, truly fun. It's, we've got to lighten, we got to lighten it up a little
Encouraging Playfulness in Sex
00:34:16
Speaker
bit. like mood Yeah. Oh yeah. So true because it does become a bit of a heavy burden. Yeah. um
00:34:22
Speaker
because that's the thing. So many people take a long time to to seek the support that they need. So often people can be, you know, months or often years I find before they think, right, it's time to address it now. So it becomes even more difficult to to but be vulnerable. And yeah, I've never really thought about improv class and how, you know, that is such a such a good idea because God, the thought of going to an improv class to me is actually a bit horrifying. Like, oh, well, maybe you'll try it and report back. Yeah, like that is that is exactly being vulnerable, isn't it? Just putting yourself out there and be like, oh, well, we'll just have to wait and see because it does bring that element of performing in front of someone and not really knowing what you're going to be able to give out. So so similar. and I hadn't thought of that before. And there's a trusting yourself, right? Because there's
00:35:16
Speaker
You know, when we're trying to, I often, there's like so many things happening in my brain right now, but when we think about really pleasuring our partner, there can be this idea of like, I'm going to touch you for your pleasure. So like, I know what you like, and I'm going to do that thing to you. But what ends up happening like in the energy is like, if people who are watching the video of this is like the person that wants it to feel good for their partner, they lean towards that partner. And then their partner actually leans away because there's pressure on them. And we react to pressure.
00:35:49
Speaker
And I often tell people like it's it's not about necessarily like learning what your partner likes. It's actually more about bringing your full desire and your pleasure into, I'm just gonna use touching as an example, into the way you touch. And through that deep connection with your pleasure and your awareness to what feels good for you, you'll start to catch in like what feels good for your partner and you enter into this reciprocal feedback loop. But if we go in looking like, I want to make this feel good for you, it feels like a lot of pressure on the person receiving.
Better Sex in Long-Term Relationships
00:36:25
Speaker
Suddenly I have to perform for you because you're doing this thing for me. yeah Versus like we want to take a step back and say, like okay,
00:36:34
Speaker
What is this about here? It's about bringing desire and it's about bringing pleasure. We want each person to do that and so they can show up fully standing upright and be able to move back and forth like as full adults versus like one person trying to get away. Yeah. So what's your what's your thoughts on on your average couple actually being able to have better sex than they've ever had. So better sex later on when they seek support compared to when they first met. So if, say, a couple had a really intense um sexual relationship to start off with when they first met. So, you know, that kind of movie sex that they always show in in all movies where it's, you know, passion. man Yeah, it's always on a table or in a shower. or pool have And then over time then it becomes less and less of that and more of the same, same, same. um What do you think about that couple actually being able to get to a point then of getting having better sex than they even did and when they first met?
00:37:39
Speaker
right
00:37:41
Speaker
If that's what both of them of client are wanting. yeah wanting yeah
00:37:48
Speaker
you know
00:37:51
Speaker
getting to a place of having better sex is, first off, it's a ah really wonderful, wonderful want. And I don't even know if both people necessarily have to like fully want that, but there's something that happens when we first meet someone and the excitement and the thrill And there's also a lot of chemicals. And we are also a very different person multiple years into a relationship. And so one of the things that we're i guess one of things I'm getting tripped up on here that we're not talking about is like the whole emotional component of relationships. Because we really can't talk about the deep layers of pleasure in a long-term partnership if we're also not talking about like how healthy is this couple in the realm of emotional intimacy.
00:38:37
Speaker
yeah And so I think there's like this check of like how is the emotional intimacy, like how are you both showing up? like what if If you're fighting, what type of fighting? like Is it constructive and you're moving forward and you're growing and you're asking for your needs in a respectful way? Or are you tearing each other down and like ripping each other's hearts out and like going for the jugular in every fight? because What's really difficult is when couples are like, we want to have amazing sex. But then as we get in there, they're actually like, there's so much ah lack of safety in their communication and in their ability to navigate complex conversations that it there's just, it's not possible. Safety is the baseline for amazing sex. If you don't feel safe, if you don't feel safe in your body, if you don't feel safe in your couple,
00:39:26
Speaker
there's no chance at having this amazing, incredible, sustainable sex life. You may have like one-offs where people are like angry and there's just like anger coming through, but it's not a sustainable experience actually. And yeah and so and I think even that type of sex is kind of both partners are really in their own head really, aren't they? And just being a bit primal as opposed to having that true intimate connection where they're kind kind of linked up um but yeah neurochemically even.
Impact of Childhood Experiences on Sexual Dynamics
00:39:57
Speaker
Right. And the primal is a part of, I think, what we're unleashing in really amazing sex. Yeah. I think what you're discussing or or naming is like, how are we staying connected in that primal space? And then that anger, frustration that can sometimes happen with with people, it's not necessarily through connection. It's sort of like revenge or frustration that that's coming out.
00:40:22
Speaker
And yeah, sustainable, amazing sex has a big component of connection in it. So it's sort of like this temperature check of like, how is the couple doing? And sometimes it's actually not even fighting. It's just like general distance. Like people are doing their own lives. They're not sharing with each other anymore. And also there's a huge component in long-term relationships of like your own core wounding. Like what was happening for you as a child? How are your parents doing intimacy with you? Which was your first experience of intimacy and what was happening in what you saw within your parents and how is that impacting your couple? How are you recreating that? How are you falling into the same old traps? Oftentimes people are either doing full agreement with what they saw with their family.
00:41:06
Speaker
or they're in complete like avoidance reaction mode where they're doing things completely different. And the idea is to get out of both of those. We don't want you just in full compliance and like non-consciousness. We also don't want you in reaction. We want you to find like who are you? How do you notice when you're caught in old patterns and how do you come back to yourself and show up as the person that you want to be in your relationship?
Sexual Empowerment and Transformation
00:41:29
Speaker
Yeah. So a lot all of those things sort of have to be a part of the scaffolding to get to a place where trust and safety and freedom and patience and courage comes online, which allows the couple to move into that space of sex is like truly meaningful and yeah is this really wonderful shared experience where the couple says like, yeah, this is this is one of the really important core parts of our our world that we share together.
00:41:59
Speaker
Yeah, because what I tend to find is that when doing this work, someone might have come for, you know, oh, my libido is a bit low and I just have ah less interest in sex than and I would like for our relationship. But when you're doing this work, it's transformative in all areas of their of their life. Because as you said, In order to get that fantastic sex life, you have to look at the rest of the day-to-day living. If one person is you know bearing the brunt of the whole emotional burden of the of the family and they're finding that they're getting more and more resentment, then that's causing more and more distance. So they're going to be less and less willing to share themselves in any other way. um But actually, by addressing all of these little things that they don't feel is actually contributing their their sex life, they feel better than ever. They feel kind of unburdened. And one of the results they often share is that they just feel more energized. They just feel better, you know, and more confident in in their bodies.
00:43:03
Speaker
And then that kind of spills over to their work life, to their social life, to their time with their kids and doing all the other stuff that's kind of on their plate. So I think a good sex life is so important that people don't realize the transformative power of it, really, if someone set steps into addressing sexual wellness as a whole. Absolutely. like The places that it can touch and the way that people's lives change, I think is sometimes hard for folks to even imagine what that could look like. you know I think especially for women that show up saying, sex has never been fun. It's been this thing I've done. I often drink just to get it over with. I can't do that anymore because now I'm married to this person and like it doesn't make sense you know to drink like that. What do I do? um you know It can take time for for people to get there. and
00:43:57
Speaker
And most of the women that I work with do get there. they get to the police actually um There's a woman I've worked with for a couple of years and recently she's like you know it's just like, now she's putting the demands on her husband. She's like, he needs to get more in touch with his pleasure and he needs to learn about himself. like and And she's making demands like, this is what I want. I want more of this and I want more of this. and i I really want us to be able to talk about this. Like she's come out of her shell, which she went from a place where she was like, I don't want to see you. I don't want to come in here. We always joke about it. Cause she hated coming to see me for a year. She's like, I hate being in here. like I don't want to talk about this. I've been dreading it all day, yeah you know, into like now that she has these, these pleasure demands, which I just think is, it's such a beautiful transition and in
00:44:44
Speaker
There's no way that I could have told her, you know, in a couple of years, you're going to be making demands. She would have looked at me like I was insane. yeah it Literally, it probably, you know, another reason for her to want to walk out. And it it really is possible for people. I mean, I think that's a huge part of me coming on podcast is to just like start to name and normalize that this is possible. If there's that part of you that's curious about it. Yeah. We can feed that seed and let it start to grow and build and flower. Yeah,
Breaking Sexual Routines for Fulfillment
00:45:16
Speaker
because there is this kind of stereotypical messaging in society that women are perfectly happy with just doing the same thing over and over again and that
00:45:26
Speaker
you know, actually more men tend to be um more explorative and women just prefer doing missionary and lying there. But actually in in practice, I don't tend to find that's true. I find the more that women explore different things, the more interested they are in doing different ah different things and actually changing it up all the time keeps there keeps their interest engaged. right So this goes back to those blueprints that we talked about. So the one of the blueprints is called a sexual. And the sexuals tend to be very um like linear. They're like, first we do this, then we do that, then we do this, then we do that, and then we do this. And I believe a lot of people think when they think of sex, and they think of long-term sex, and if they were to really reflect
00:46:17
Speaker
if they were feeling stuck in their sexuality with their partner and they were to really reflect. And I said to both of them, like write a list of how sex goes. How do you know it's going to happen? And from there, like what are the points that happen? And so often, their lists are the same. So-and-so says this. We agree to have sex. We go into the bedroom. We kiss for a little while. like There's this way in which it's just this A to B to B. It's a script. you know yeah And sexuals really, actually, genuinely, really prefer that. The blueprint, that's the sexual, like they're sort of okay with that. like They don't really have a complaint with it, actually. The trouble is when you have a sexual that doesn't have a complaint with that, mixed with any of the other four blueprints, because those other four blueprints are crawling out of their skin. They're so bored. They're like, I cannot do this one more time.
00:47:06
Speaker
And if there's not a communication around it and not someone to put a little bit of pressure on the sexual, cause the sexual can be really like strong willed in that. Like what's the big deal? Why do you need the lighting to be different? Why do you want to do it in somewhere else? Like something's wrong with you. You have a sex addiction or you're weird. There can be a, they can come. If you try and mix up their linear process, there can be a narrow mindedness that can happen there sometimes. yeah And it can be hard because if you're like, well, I don't really know, but this is kind of boring. They won't, some of them, not all sexuals, but some of them can get really like, that's not how you do it. I mean, there's just this way that they can sort of take on a bravado around what they think normal sex and should look like. Yeah, just fixed beliefs, yeah.
00:47:52
Speaker
And it you know it is good for them to change it up. Even even the sexuals, I am like, let's change it up. like Let's just see what it's like like. Is it fun for you? And some people, no, it's not. Some people want the continuity and the same stuff.
Challenging Misconceptions about Sexual Needs
00:48:07
Speaker
And that's OK, too. Again, as long as people are happy with it, that's all that matters. The trouble is is when one person or both people are really not happy, and they're both people are doing this thing because you're always you know supposed to be doing it, but no one's getting what they want. That's when we really got to jump in there and be like, let's mix it up. And I think both men and women want to mix it up. I think there, yeah, there can be this stereotype of like men are this way or that way, which is that sexual stereotype. But men, our sexualities are not that much different. Like sometimes people are like, oh, but men are so much more visual or men are like this.
00:48:44
Speaker
I don't know, they all men and women feel pretty similar in a lot of ways, like when we get into what everyone's looking for. Yeah, yeah. And at the
Practicing Mindfulness in Sexuality
00:48:55
Speaker
end of the day, everyone responds to better intimate connections and that kind of emotional connection, even in you know casual relationships, just having that kind of space for vulnerability still will make it more intense, i ultimately, won't it? Absolutely. So one of the things you're an expert in is mindfulness, sex and mindfulness. So why don't you tell us a bit about mindfulness when it comes to sex? Because certainly we see the word mindfulness everywhere, but very rarely is it followed by the word sex.
00:49:30
Speaker
So I would say after the 15 years of working with people, mindfulness is probably the most important tool um to cultivate. Mindfulness is the nonjudgmental awareness of what is going on around you and inside of your body. So it's a noticing, a welcoming, and a not trying to change. Yeah. So when we think of going into an erotic experience with mindfulness, we just are noticing like, oh, my mind is trailing off. Lots of thoughts. Oh, my body is numb. There's numbness there. Oh, there's pleasure there. It's just this noticing. Oh, my impulse. And it allows more spaciousness. It allows this deeper sense of what is being present, what is really happening.
00:50:21
Speaker
to being able to take things in and actually have experiences. But normally say like, once we get all the basics out of the way, once you like understand the anatomy of fingering and blow drops, once you get all of that stuff out of the way and we're no longer talking about just like the, the what I call like the basics of sex, mindfulness and the curiosity that can come when we're truly listening to our bodies is the is really truly this whole key for for opening up. yeah And what a lot of people find is that there is so much emotional components that have been keeping them stuck, deep hurts and pains and fears, confusions, and being able to touch into those, feel those, and move through them, heal them, integrate them. On the other side is where that real freedom and creativity, all of the things we've been talking about comes from.
00:51:15
Speaker
Yeah, yeah yes it's it's so important to develop that skill of being in the present moment and being in tune with yourself. And the more in tune you are to yourself, the more in tune you can be to your partner or or partners if you've got multiple partners. um So that that skill of mindfulness is is absolutely key, isn't it? Because so many people are distracted, um you know particularly when I'm talking to my clients, when I'm talking about what what is sex like, or what were you doing? They'll they'll often say, oh, well, I was actually thinking about this. And I was actually thinking, oh, I've got to do this now. But actually, there's all this stuff around the house that still needs doing. And
00:51:55
Speaker
And I'm umm trying to stop myself thinking about the shopping list or tomorrow's tomorrow's problems. and And I keep saying, yeah, well, that is the art of mindfulness. and you can you can And you can practice that bit, which is relevant to the bedroom all day long, can't you? you don't That doesn't have to be something that you just do, like doing solo play or or partner play. The more you hone that skill all the time, the better it transfer transfers then, doesn't it? Yeah. And I think a lot of people, when they think of mindfulness, then they go into like sitting meditation practice. so Are they really serious about wanting to learn mindfulness? They're like, okay, well, I'm going to start this practice, mindfulness practice, Buddhist practice. I'm never going to sit and do some meditation. And then it comes to their eroticism and they completely jump out of their bodies. nice Sex gets presented and it is like,
00:52:46
Speaker
Oh, I'm going to do mindfulness and I meditate and meditate 45 minutes a day or have all these on meditations, but it doesn't apply into our Rata system. Yeah. And you know that's where I feel like I want to come back on the soapbox and be like, let's include this in all of these experiences that you're having. And that nonjudgmental space is so important with our eroticism, being able to fully move into the spaces that it wants to move into. Because again, go back to that shaming. Not only can we experience shame from other people, but we can also shame ourselves.
00:53:19
Speaker
Yeah, absolutely. Commonly, commonly shamed. Yeah, yeah. the You know, often like scarily more so than, than, than your partner. Right. but That can be like the first hurdle that you've got to, got to jump is your own shame and your own thought pattern. Right, right. Absolutely. Absolutely. And it's such a huge space, you know, it's hard to um you know When I work with clients, I do a lot a lot of exercises with people in the session to really like start to teach them the skill of getting connected with the present moment and learning how to
00:53:57
Speaker
practice the mindfulness and come back into themselves because it does take a really, it's not like a long time, it's just there's a lot of practice that has to happen in order to do it. is this It is a skill that you just, it's just worth practicing all the time. You know, like one of the techniques I share is that when women are ah you know at home doing all the chores that they've got is actually try and do one chore at a time and not just be like and doing this but I've also got all of these things to do and be distracted by oh well I was just putting the laundry in and then now I've just started putting stuff away. Take a shower at the same time. I'm like ah try and do those skills mindfully one at a time complete them because that is the same the same skill that you just
00:54:49
Speaker
really hone and practice and perfect over time. but i Yeah, so I'm so glad you think that's so important as well, because I think that is ah is ah something that we kind of see all the time day to day now. um And it's an easy topic to discuss, which isn't really taboo anymore, because lots of people talk about mindfulness and meditation, like you said, but actually saying, well, actually, you' you're quite open to doing that. So Let's start that as the the first step that you might be open to when it comes to improving your sex life. yeah
Exploring Sex Parties and Sex Clubs
00:55:22
Speaker
Now, the other thing I know that you're an expert in addressing is um people's interest in going to sex parties. So at the start of my podcast episodes, I do something called the Red Amber Green Game, just as something for people to reflect on. So I kind of introduce a
00:55:40
Speaker
sexual experience or a sex act, and then i I asked them to think whether or not it's a red, you know, a no, and an amber, ah maybe a ah green for go. and So as an introduction to this podcast, I mentioned sex parties and asked whether or not it's a red, amber, green light. So given the fact that you're experienced in helping people kind of navigate that and start exploring that kind of topic, what's your advice for people who have never ever been before or aren't really sure but like maybe a little bit curious about sex parties, isn't it? Yeah, everyone wants to be a fly on the wall.
00:56:21
Speaker
still You know, when I've had discussions about that, they're still really interested, even if they think I would never ever go. Yeah, right. They feel very curious about it. Yes, of course. We all are. I mean, that's why porn is so popular. We want to know what other people are doing in the bedroom. yeah I think it's a natural part of our human curiosity. And they also want to know that we're normal. Yeah. So there's there's different ways of playing publicly, right? So there's sex parties, which would typically be hosted at someone's house. And you normally would have an invite. You might know someone. It could be more of like a swingers party or a sex party. There's sort of different like categories of these spaces. And then there's sex clubs, which are like coffee bars. They're like establishments where people go and you have to be 18. I believe it's 18 years old, maybe 21.
00:57:14
Speaker
It sort of depends which country you're in. We'll just go to anyone. And there's, you'll go in, there's typically like a communal space where it's, you need to be wearing clothes. And then there's a place where you can take off your clothes. And then I'm just like mixing a bunch of different things together. Cause there's like saunas and sex clubs. They're slightly different. So like a sex sauna is a space where it's like a sauna, but people can have sex within it also. So there's like hot tubs and um steam rooms and then like plate different playrooms. And essentially, typically what happens though is like the sex, physical acts of sex, people doing different things with each other happens in one specific room.
00:57:54
Speaker
but somewhat similar with sex parties, sort of depends on how people set it up. But I think the most important thing to know is that all of this is consensual. It's in desecrated areas, aren't they? Typically, for the most part. It's not anywhere where you open the door and then, whoa, there it is. It's like going to be moved from the door for the most part. Behind like a curtain and you'll know before you're entering. And I think one of the most important things is to know that all of this is consensual. So you could choose to go to, so one of the things that I do is I, my husband is Parisian.
00:58:26
Speaker
And I was going over to Paris a lot to see him and I was like, Oh yeah, I need to meet to do while I'm over here. So I started meeting couples and I called it this, these things called before and after sessions and I would help couples get ready to go to sex club. So we would meet for a couple hours before do a bunch of connection exercises to help people get more connected because sometimes in these experiences of like, what is happening? All these people are having sex around me. It's really difficult actually to connect with your partner. Like there's this, your body's sort of just like revved up and distracted. And so teaching people the skill of like really learning how to like tune into each other before, to set intentions, to sort of have these specific things that they do, whether it's a placing of a collar or a placing of jewelry or having these things that sort of draw on like the couple's connection can be really important.
00:59:11
Speaker
the Especially if you choose to go and say we're open to playing with other people because that's one of the things that can happen but It doesn't always it doesn't have to again This is all consensual so you can you can say no to anything and anyone at any point and you they will completely Respect your boundary and if they don't if you're in a club You think that person would be removed immediately? And if you were at a sex party you would go to the person hosting it and let them know that that person's not abiding by the rules of like no means no. And so if we're gonna if if you're going with the intention that you're not only going to play with each other, but you might play with other people, having that deep connection is super, super important. yeah But I think the most important thing for people to know if they've never been to a sex club or a sex party is like you can go and you don't have to do anything. You can just go and be a voyeur. That's completely fine.
01:00:05
Speaker
and there is nothing that says like if you're going and engaging in this that like you need to be participating. You can just go and watch and you could do that for forever and that may be as much as ever feels safe for you or fun for you and then you go home and have like an amazing experience with your partner in private. But it's really like just opening up this space of like there is room if you want. And I think it's also really great for people who've only experienced porn to see something like this because suddenly it's like real people, real bodies, real moments. You're catching the person whose leg is cramping, you know, or fell off the the the chair or, you know, like suddenly like the cold air is blasting on them because someone turned with the, you know, like, I mean, there's so many components to it. It's like, you're like, Oh, like that could happen too. You know,
01:00:55
Speaker
yeah Yeah, which I think is really, it's I think it's really great. And I often think of it as like, it doesn't have to mean that you're no longer monogamous. It can just be like you're doing this like fun, naughty, playful thing with your partner. And you're just exploring, like, yeah, what is it like for us to be here? Yeah, because I think that's the other thing is people can often be afraid of like having a new label on their relationship. If they're, if they're gonna explore a sex party, or they think, oh, well, that's who will become then we'll be, we'll be swingers forever. like Well, no maybe it's just a one off thing that you're you're doing. And like you said, maybe you're gonna go and actually, you're not going to engage in anything. And you're just going to stay kind of
01:01:37
Speaker
absorb the atmosphere and then go home and have your own private um to intimate moments or because it's often in very designated areas, you could just get there and feel totally overwhelmed and intimidated and actually just stay and have a drink fully clothed, nowhere near where everyone else is is engaging in whatever they choose to do. um And think the important thing when it comes to sex parties is, like you said, there's always very strict, clear rules. And most people who go often really respect people's boundaries and appreciate that not everyone there is going to be a long term swinger or life styler. And
01:02:23
Speaker
So they they expect people to come who are unfamiliar with the territory. And often you find that people are very welcoming and willing to kind of show you around without expecting anything in return for it. Absolutely. Absolutely. Yeah. And I think that the biggest thing too is to just sort of say like, the couples that I've worked with that are going for the first time, there can be this huge amount of pressure of like, what is going to be like? And we're going to be approached and it's going to be like this. And and oftentimes like it's total, the fantasy is totally different than the reality for most people in all things in life. And of course related to sex. And so what I normally say is like, we just let the first time be the first time we prepare you as best we can. We give you the tools. We talk about what your boundaries are.
01:03:10
Speaker
And then we, and then I do these after sessions, which is like, how was it? we did What, you know, what was great? What wasn't like, what surprised you? Where do you want boundaries to change? And I think what happens for couples is like one person may be leading the charge of like, I want us to go and do this thing. And the other person is kind of like dragging their feet as they're going in. yeah And there's this pressure of like, it has to be the certain way. Because the person dragging is like, it's going to be so great, it's going to be so great. And then when it's mediocre, it's like, oh, well, that was mediocre. We're never going to do that again. Versus like, that was just the first time. And that what's true is that there's real people in these experiences. And they're always going to be different unless you're somehow only playing at a party where the same people always show up. But yeah every time you go, it's going to be completely different.
01:03:58
Speaker
yeah the connection would be different i guess the value will always be different ah you've find that several times you You know, when you have a couple where one person is really enthusiastic and thinks this is going to be the best thing ever, this is going to be our new lifestyle, and then they come away not enjoying it as much as they thought, and actually the other partner enjoyed it more than they thought. Right. Switch and bait, I know. Yeah. Yes, it does happen. It doesn't happen as often as you think. Normally, um the person who wanted to go still thought it was really awesome, wants to go back. Yeah,
01:04:30
Speaker
um You know, it can depend, though, the circumstances where the person who wanted to go then didn't like it. It can be like maybe they felt a little rejected or they felt like their partner was getting more attention than them. yeah Um, you know, that, that can be, especially if they've agreed to play with other people, there can be this feeling of like, well, my partner got to play with other people, but the people I wanted to play with weren't interested. Or, you know, it's like dating. If you're going to start playing with other people, it's like you're dating again. So suddenly you're back, you know, out.
01:05:03
Speaker
at a party and you're trying to connect with people, but the stakes are higher because like sex might be involved like right away publicly. you know It can bring up a lot of things for people. yeah And being able to work through that in mindfulness is a really important component of that growth, if that's where the couple wants to go. well there's another example of vulnerability isn't it and the key and that importance of having a really open mind and being really prepared to deal with whatever emotions come up for both you personally and your and your partners and be willing to
01:05:40
Speaker
to take the time to navigate that. So I think it i think it's and fascinating that you do those before and after sessions. They're they they're genius, really. So fun. I love them. It is a very complex thing to try and navigate right by yourself, isn't it? There's very little support. ah well and how do we stay you know like How do you stay-minded but hold the container of your boundaries? And how do you know when to stretch and when to be like, this is some really this is my boundary for now. I mean, I think navigating all of those things requires a lot of skill and a big dance. And yeah and going to these parties, you know, they the before and after sessions were actually built out of my husband and I's time at ah at sex clubs. And I was coming home on a flight one time and I was like, you know, we have such connected sex before and after these parties, but when we're in them, we're just not like we both were reporting like we just are not
01:06:39
Speaker
able to get connected in the way that we are in private. And I was like, okay, let's let's get curious about like how do we like strengthen our connection to each other before we walk in and see how that shifts our experience in there. And it did dramatically. like When we really intentionally started to set a framework and set aside time to to honor our relationship and have things in place. Like I like to wear a collar. So it's like at any point I can touch it to feel like, you know, he puts it on me. And there's like these, there's certain rituals that we can create that I think allow for that deepening of the brain to say like, okay, we're doing something different. And this is this deep connection of like honoring the couple that you're in. Yeah. I think it's such a huge component versus just like showing up.
01:07:23
Speaker
or just meeting at the door, yeah both coming from work. you know I don't recommend that for most couples. Some couples are totally fine, but for most couples, there needs to be some some real honoring of the couple before they go in. Yeah, yeah that's that's that's lovely. such Such a great idea. so um where at The time is just going so quickly because there's so much. um I know you've got such a wealth of of of knowledge to to share, but and I don't want to take up too much of yours of
Upcoming Sex Class and Social Media Updates
01:07:54
Speaker
your time. If you're interested, we'll come back. We'll do another episode. Tell us what they want to know. yeah Why don't you, to close, just share one ah one tip of ah for for great sex.
01:08:07
Speaker
Yeah, that would be your, your one tip. I know it's it's very hard to, I know we're all here for everyone. orientedpress and yeah Don't take yourself too seriously. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, and mine would be try and take that playful ah approach. um Because I think that is, that's the key really is, like you said, don't take it too seriously. And, and just be curious. You've mentioned the word curious quite a few times. and I know, it's one of my favourites. Yeah, it is the key, isn't it? It is, it is absolutely the the key. And so component of play, like what happens in play, we're curious. Yeah, yeah.
01:08:43
Speaker
ah Well, thank you so much for your for your time, Keeley. I really appreciate um you coming on to this podcast and sharing your your tips and your advice. and And as always, I'll share your website address so people can come and do some sessions with you, because I know you work ah virtually, so online, ah globally. So if any UK listeners want to work with you, then they can find you at, it's KeeleyRankin.com, isn't it? Yep. and your my name is a bit My name's a bit tricky, so sometimes there's a misspelling that happens in it. The link is in the show notes. And you've also got a very exciting um The Sex Class coming out soon as well, which is going to be a very ah exciting course for people to access.
01:09:27
Speaker
So I'll certainly update the show notes when that's all ready to come out and obviously share it on my socials as well. So um thank you very much, Keely. Have you got anything else you want the listeners to know or or why don't you share your Instagram handle actually? Because that's where people can find you as well. Yes. Yeah. the The best place to find me if you want to follow me on social media is Instagram and it's Keely Rankin Intimacy Coach. That's how you can find me. Perfect. yeah I'll add that onto the notes as well. But yeah, thank you so much, Keely. That's brilliant.