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Sex Coaching with Lucy
63 Plays1 year ago
Lucy is a sexologist and intimacy coach who is passionate about helping smart, overthinking, highly driven women feel fabulous in their bodies, have epic sex, and feel liberated on all levels by releasing shame and embracing all the pleasure.
She was nominated for Somatic Sexologist of The Year Award at the 2023 Sexual Freedom Awards, she is the host of The Naked and Unashamed Life Podcast, and is am regularly quoted in press for her sex-pertise.
She makes talking about sex as easy as talking about what you’re cooking for dinner tonight, and exploring pleasure as natural as breathing. She wants you to have the sex, love, and relationship that you deeply desire, and will give you the tools to make it happen.
Check out her website here: https://lucyrowett.com
If you're looking for my website, my links are here: www.pressing-desires.com https://pressingdesires.mykajabi.com
As always, stay in touch and let me know your thoughts. I'm on all the usual social media channels @pressingdesires
Love, light and pleasure to you all,
Liza
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Transcript
Introduction to Pressing Desires
00:00:03
Speaker
Welcome to Pressing Desires, the podcast exclusively for women wanting to improve their health by unlocking their mind, body, spirit and sexual wellness.
Podcast's Mission and Topics
00:00:19
Speaker
Join us on this transformative journey as we explore topics that touch your soul, invigorate your body, and reignite your passions. From cultivating a resilient mindset, nourishing your physical health, awakening your spirit, and embracing your deepest desires, nothing is off limits.
Format: Interviews and Tips
00:00:45
Speaker
Pressing desires is your go-to resource, featuring expert interviews, inspiring stories of triumph, and practical tips to help you unlock your true potential. Subscribe now,
Focus on Sexology and Coaching
00:01:00
Speaker
and together, let's embrace our pressing desires and create a life that exceeds all expectations.
00:01:07
Speaker
Get ready to ignite your passions and live a life with more pleasure. Yes, please. This is Pressing Desires, the podcast that empowers women to improve their health and go on a journey towards mind, body, spirit and don't forget sexual wellness. Hmm, I'm really looking forward to that last bit.
00:01:35
Speaker
This episode is all about sexology and sex coaching. So if you're interested in what that is, then stay tuned because I'm talking to Lucy Rowett, who is a sexologist and certified sex coach too. And she was actually trained by the pioneer of sex coaching, Dr. Patty Britton at Sex Coach U2, which is where I did my training.
00:01:56
Speaker
Lucy was nominated for the Somatic Sexologist of the Year at the 2023 Sexual Freedom Awards and has extensive media experience and regularly quoted in publications such as Glamour, Mind Body Green, Brides Magazine and The Oprah Magazine. She's also the host of the podcast The Naked and Unashamed Life, which is on Spotify and Apple podcasts, and you can work with her
00:02:20
Speaker
in numerous ways, so one-to-one in small group settings and she's also got some online courses so it's well worth checking out her website which is lucyrowett.com and I'll add that in the show notes but stay tuned to hear me chat to Lucy today!
Weather Chat and Interview Excitement
00:02:36
Speaker
Hello, Lucy. Thank you for joining me this morning. Hi, good morning. How are you? I'm well, thank you. How are you in the blistering heat of Vienna, Austria? Yeah, we moved here back in October and it's now July 15th and I know that in the UK right now it's pouring with rain and cold.
00:02:57
Speaker
everywhere else in Europe it's a massive heat wave. I'm sort of jealous but also not that much of a fan of really, really hot temperatures. So I'll stick with what I've got with this cool temperature at the minute. Yeah, we were talking about this before we started recording because I've had to completely change my setup as we're doing this. I've got a fan going because it's going to go up to 35 degrees today.
00:03:22
Speaker
Oh, nice. Well, sort of nice, but yeah, I would definitely be finding the shade. That's usually where you can find me on summer holidays, hiding in the shade. My husband's always lying in the sun cooking, whereas I'm a shade person.
Lucy Rowett on Sex Coaching
00:03:38
Speaker
Right so I'm so excited to speak to you this morning and I know a lot of people who are going to be listening are going to be so fascinated by what you do for a living because you are a sex coach or a certified clinical sexologist and lots of the people that I know have never heard of that and or hadn't heard about
00:03:59
Speaker
this kind of profession until i said this is what i do now as long as as well as being a medical doctor i'm also a certified sex coach and clinical sexologist and it raises eyebrows definitely so why don't you tell us who you are and what you do and how did you get into being a certified sex coach in the first place.
Deconstructing Views on Sexuality
00:04:21
Speaker
Sure, so hi everyone, I'm Lucy Rowett. I'm a sex coach and sexologist. And so what I'd, hold on, let me take it back a bit. So every sexologist works slightly differently, but in general, the work that we do is around helping people have really fulfilling and satisfying sex lives. And often when you hear the term sexologist or sex coach, most, a lot of people think, oh right, so you're sitting in the bed with me.
00:04:48
Speaker
I'm like, pom poms with a checklist. No, that's not what I do. That's not what you do. There are some people that do, but it's more helping people. I like to think of me, my work is helping people deconstruct everything they think and feel around sexuality and getting them to explore what great sex is for them and what particularly, for me, I only work with women and people with vulvas.
Sexual Wellness and Overall Health
00:05:12
Speaker
It's very much around what would great sex feel like to you?
00:05:15
Speaker
And even more than that, where do you already feel your most sexual? What does sexual energy mean to you? What turns you on? What lights you up? What gives you pleasure? Let's go there and then see how your sex life with your partner changes.
00:05:31
Speaker
very much like our work is believing and centering that people's sexuality and sexual wellness is an intrinsic part of overall wellness and health and generally being a happy human, which a lot of professions can either leave out or gloss over or not really quite understand because most of us, it doesn't matter what country or culture you come from,
00:05:57
Speaker
We're generally only taught to think about sex in terms of don't get pregnant, don't get an STI. Now go out and have loads of sex with your husband or wife and it'll be great.
00:06:08
Speaker
rather than how. Or just get your tips from porn and learn your skills that way. Exactly. Just don't talk about it. It's something private. Everyone knows how to do it. What's wrong with you? Why can't you do it? That's the kind of implicit message. And I always think it's like this, this curtain where everyone is trying to peek behind, where everyone thinks that I say everyone I'm generalised, but lots of people think that
00:06:35
Speaker
quote unquote, everyone else is having this amazing sex life and knows exactly what they're doing. And it's just you that's struggling when, no, that's very, very rarely the case.
Evolving Female Sexuality
00:06:46
Speaker
So, you know, a sexologist in their sex coach, it's really centering your sexual wellness and happiness as an absolute priority and something that gives you life and fuels you and how to actually have that and make it an important part of your life.
00:07:03
Speaker
Yeah, absolutely. You know, from my perspective, as a medical professional, sexuality is often left out. So as you said, we do mention it based on like the pathology side of it. So say if someone's got a rash, or if they've got discharge, or they've got too much dryness, or if a man has erection problems, then it comes up in conversations. But other than that,
00:07:32
Speaker
like we only ask questions really in relation to STIs or sexual infections but I really think that it is definitely an important part of health in general and that it shows that you are a good well-rounded person if you can have this in your life and I think the other important point is that sexuality and what you think of sex and
00:07:59
Speaker
and how you have sex changes over time.
Reclaiming Sexual Interest
00:08:02
Speaker
And it's really variable, isn't it? It is. And it's, um, I was thinking like the other day, it's like, it's basically reclaiming your sexuality as yours and something that changes and fluctuates just like we do as humans. You know, you're not the same person you were 10 years ago. You probably like really different things like in general that are non-sexual.
00:08:26
Speaker
And the same with more sexuality. So true, so true. And you mentioned there about talking to your clients about what they like and what turns them on and what makes them feel most sexual. What about the women out there who can't answer those questions anymore because they used to have things that turned them on or made them feel sexual, but they can't
00:08:53
Speaker
they can't even remember what that was like. They've totally forgotten that side of them. And now they have no interest whatsoever. The only reason they even think about it is because they think, well, it's sort of something that, you know, I think I probably should be doing, you know, because I'm in a relationship, I probably should be having sex. But, you know, and maybe I should just
00:09:20
Speaker
I just feel obliged that I should do it for my partner's sake. Yeah. Have you seen people who just have totally forgotten everything to do with sex, they never think about it never crosses their mind other than when they feel obliged.
Journey from Low Libido to Enjoyment
00:09:32
Speaker
Have you seen women go from that space to having amazing sex? Absolutely. And one thing I'll caveat is it depends where you are in that process. Because when women tend to come to me,
00:09:47
Speaker
Obviously they're already in that stage of, I know there is more that I could be having and I want to be, I just don't know where to start. But I was thinking about this as often, I could say certain phases where at the beginning it can be just, what's the term, putting up with sex that you don't like. And this is really common for so many women. It's such a big female experience.
00:10:12
Speaker
putting up with sex you don't really like and you're not really into, but you think you should because that's what it means to be in a relationship or to be married or, you know, this is what girls do. This is what women do in bed. Okay. I give him a blow job. This is heterosexual dynamics. I give him a blow job and I toss my hair and I swing my hips and I moan and maybe I fake an orgasm. And this is something I've seen in so many women and people with vulvas and that
00:10:39
Speaker
I sometimes think of that as sometimes the beginning part, where you're doing it because you think you should and you ought to. But often there's not a lot of enjoyment there. And it's very much, why don't I feel anything? Why can't I let go? Why can't I orgasm with my partner? What's wrong with me?
00:11:00
Speaker
And then depending on maybe a few years down the line, it can go into really not enjoying sex where you're literally just grinning and bearing it and tolerating it to the point where you keep pushing your partner away because it's really unsatisfying.
Understanding Female Sexuality
00:11:16
Speaker
It's boring.
00:11:17
Speaker
especially in heterosexual dynamics, there can be other stuff going on, especially we know that for a lot of women, the idea of the mental load. We're in heterosexual relationships, it's often women who are doing more of the housework, more of the childcare, more of the general emotional labour.
00:11:36
Speaker
So you add that in. So then it kind of looks like just not tonight, love, I have a headache or no, I don't want to do that. And then over time it kind of, you could say it gets worse, but it's like there's a literal physical gulf in the bed. And then your partner will feel it too. Like, why doesn't she want to have sex with me? And what's really interesting, I was at a barbecue.
00:11:59
Speaker
I don't know, a month ago, I was telling this man what I did. He was like, you need to talk to my wife right now. And I was like, okay, I see what's happening here, where he's got a high desire and wants to have sex a lot. And for the woman, she doesn't want to. And it's often this thing of like, there's something wrong with her. And sometimes your partner can say that sometimes you can think that and actually there's a lot more going on.
00:12:27
Speaker
And so then it can get to a point and it also depends partly, I could say on age, because, you know, women in their forties and fifties and sixties, there's different, there's different generational messages that you hear. So it can be there will, of course, all men want sex. Oh God, my husband's just a horny porn dog who can't stop and whatever.
00:12:49
Speaker
And, you know, especially as women get older, it can be this thing of, well, you know, once you get past a certain age, you don't really enjoy having sex anyway, so what's the point?
Reconnecting with Pleasure
00:12:57
Speaker
And so that kind of feeds into it. And then after a while, it's sort of, and by the way, as I'm saying this, I am generalizing, because there are huge differences. And especially when you've got kids and your identity has completely changed. I'm now a mum.
00:13:17
Speaker
and all that practical things. And for a lot of the women that I speak to, there can be this sadness of what they've lost. For some of them, it's like, yeah, when I was younger, I was really going for it. I was doing all these really cool, wild things, and now I just feel so frumpy. Yeah, so true. I hear that so often. I used to be good at this. I definitely was this really cool, exciting, wild chick. Yeah.
00:13:47
Speaker
I just feel like I'm just the man, or I just sought out the housework, or I'm just this one particular identity. Yeah. Yeah. And it can happen quite slowly before you realize it. And then suddenly, for a lot of them, it's like you look at yourself in the mirror and think, what happened? Or where did I go? Or I've spoken with women where they feel like, is this it for the rest of my life?
00:14:16
Speaker
And it's a really sad realization, especially when if they hear, you know, if they have friends who are like talking about sex openly and yeah, I'm having all these orgasms and they're thinking, well, what's wrong with me? Why can't I have it?
00:14:35
Speaker
And it's, I don't know, there's so much I can talk about there, but one of the things, whenever women come to work with me, one of the foundational things that we explore is what brings you joy and what brings you pleasure? What lights you up?
00:14:54
Speaker
And very rarely has anybody said, yes, I'm doing lots of things that light me up and bring me joy. Yeah, that'd be the dream, wouldn't it? You would. And it doesn't mean that you suddenly have to give up your job and run away or to like a tantric commune and rolling on a beach with a yoni egg eating mangoes.
00:15:17
Speaker
But that does sound fun. It does sound fun, but it's like, what brings you pleasure already? I'm always saying, you already are feeling pleasure, you've just over coupled it with something else.
00:15:32
Speaker
Let's explore what brings you pleasure, not just sexual pleasure, but any kind of pleasure. I love this phrase, what turns you on, and making that deliberately generic, because it doesn't just have to be sexual things. Yeah, it's just the permission, isn't it, for the woman to think
00:15:56
Speaker
Yeah, actually, I'm worthy of having some time to myself and enjoying myself. I'm worthy of adding fun into my life, as you said, like sexual or non-sexual. Because often when they complain of, oh, I just can't think of what makes me enjoy myself anymore, that's relevant to everywhere else. If you ask them the question about, okay, well, where else in your life do you have time to yourself and you have loads of fun? And they go, oh, well,
00:16:24
Speaker
really sure actually. I don't have time. I don't want to dismiss that your life is probably very full. Everything is finger-outable and it's often I say this mindset shift of
00:16:44
Speaker
What can I do even for five minutes? What would it be like if I flipped it around and tried to put in as much fun and joy and pleasure into my life in tiny ways and big ways?
Client Success Stories
00:16:58
Speaker
And also when I say what turns you on, it's like I love the work of Barbara Corellis. She wrote a book called Urban Tantra and it was like making tantra and tantric practices really accessible. And she talks about how turn-on doesn't just have to mean like literal sex and arousal.
00:17:21
Speaker
can be things that make you feel yummy, or things that give you that feeling of, oh, like you're going to a live music concert, or dancing, or for me, a big turn on is, at the moment, one of my biggest turn ons are swimming in the Danube river, in the Danube river. What a heat wave, it's amazing. Yeah, I think that's the thing, isn't it? It's just about reconnecting to
00:17:46
Speaker
the things around you that bring you joy and just thinking, right, what is actually going to make me think, I've just had fun there. And that's all it is, isn't it? Yeah. It's just more fun. So less chores, more fun.
00:17:59
Speaker
That's it. That's the advice. Which is actually like, might sound very simple, but not easy in practice. And that's the, that's the problem, isn't it? That's the problem because then it's, it can bring up all the stuff around self-worth and, you know, and also the practical things of, well, he doesn't help out around the house. Okay, let's do some problem solving there. What else is going on? Yeah. And I've got to take the kids here and there and everywhere. And my timetable
Somatic Practices for Connection
00:18:27
Speaker
is,
00:18:32
Speaker
So tell us a bit about, so you work with women and people with vulvas. Can you share with us, respecting confidentiality, obviously, a really big win or a transformative journey that one of your clients has been through that might resonate with one of our listeners so they can see, you know, where the starting point is and what the potential result is? Does any like story stand out for you?
00:18:56
Speaker
down to the minute every day.
00:18:58
Speaker
I mean, there's quite a few. And like I'm thinking of one where I remember she came to me and kind of in the intro form, it was like shit sex, no libido, completely disconnected from my body. I do want to say there was a history of like in her past had been some abusive things. And also I've heard this from women without an abusive past as well. And it was generally, I just feel completely shut down.
00:19:29
Speaker
like I'm not enjoying sex with my husband, orgasms are really hard to have, I just feel like bleh. And one of the things we did first of all was like what brings you pleasure? Let's keep a pleasure journal, what brings you pleasure, what makes you feel good? And then let's pay attention to more of that, let's enjoy it.
00:19:49
Speaker
And I kept saying to her, your body already knows how to feel this. And then she ends up talking about, oh yeah, there was this time when she ends up sharing things from her past when something really wild and exciting happened. And one of the things I did with her and with loads of clients is I lead them through this meditation of connecting with your vulva. I call it hand to heart vulva. There's probably a more technical definition, but it's where you place the hand on your heart, the hand on your vulva.
00:20:17
Speaker
And you see what you can feel. And every time I've done that with clients, at some point they're like, I didn't know I couldn't feel my vulva before. I didn't know I wasn't feeling anything. No wonder I
00:20:31
Speaker
wasn't feeling anything during sex because I'm not feeling my vulva and I can't feel my vagina in the first place. And as time goes on, she's like, oh my God, I'm like, I'm swimming because she she lives near a beach. I'm in the sea and I'm just floating and I'm, I'm feeling all the
00:20:50
Speaker
the sea going through my hair and I'm just really enjoying it. I didn't know I could feel this way. So does that, when you say that, is that where I'm just kind of thinking, right, okay, if someone did hand on the heart and hand on the knee, for example, and then sat there thinking, is it like where the mind can't feel the knee, like you can't bring your attention to that part of your body. And then same with if they can't feel their vulva, they just can't pull themselves out with the mind into the body. Yeah. And
00:21:19
Speaker
For a lot of them, and I know I think all of us, I think anyone listening to this can probably resonate this idea of, I'm too much in my head. I'm just, I can't stop overthinking, which is a really common human thing. And it's very easy for me to say, just feel your body. Yeah.
00:21:38
Speaker
Give me practical things. And a big part of my work is helping women feel and get into their bodies again. And so like placing a hand on your vulva or if you're to place a hand on your knee, technically it's about creating somatic awareness or developing what we call your interoception. Interoception is how we can feel things inside our bodies again.
Realistic Sexual Expectations
00:22:04
Speaker
So, you know, a really basic thing is like when you're hungry.
00:22:08
Speaker
you can generally feel something happening there. Also, often for people who are autistic or neurodivergent, there can be some issues with inter-reception there. And I like to think of it as like we're rebuilding it manually.
00:22:22
Speaker
Yeah, because it is a practice, isn't it? It is a skill, you know, because I use a lot of meditation with my patients and online. And a common one I use is the body scan meditation, where you think about different areas of your body and you use that to help you connect. But it may not work the first time, it takes time, doesn't it? And over time, it's a skill and a practice. And then eventually you find that, oh, you're much more in tune with yourself. So like that woman floating in the sea,
00:22:52
Speaker
she gets much more sensation of that water through her hair and and starts to really enjoy it and can really focus on on the pleasure of that. And exactly and you know if you listen to this thinking yeah but how do I then have good sex from that? My hair sounds great I just want to have an orgasm. Yeah she needs to have sex in the seat that's the key. Yeah basically.
00:23:18
Speaker
The way I describe it is like, if you can't feel your body and if you can't feel your vagina and your vulva, having an orgasm is going to feel harder.
00:23:29
Speaker
And so it's like, as we're doing this, it's like training yourself, retraining yourself to feel again, because the more you can feel your vulva and vagina, the easier it is to have an orgasm. And also whenever, every time I do this work, everyone at some point or many points has realized, you know what? There's lots of things I don't like, and I'm trying, and I'm pretending I do. Like,
00:23:58
Speaker
We tend to think that in sex it should always feel good and I should be coming within five seconds and it should feel amazing. But sex is complex and it can be a really simple thing of your partner is touching your clit way too hard, especially for men. Penises often can take firmer handling. And if you're listening to this and you have a vulva, you know, nah, she's quite sensitive.
00:24:28
Speaker
And for a lot of them, they don't realise. And so they can be kind of like rubbing away like a DJ booth. And you think, and then, and then for a lot of women not realising, first of all, that it's okay to find it too much. And so they'll end up kind of just grinning and bearing it and getting on with it. Yeah, hoping that, oh, they'll change what they do in a minute. So I'll just bear this for a bit. And then
00:24:51
Speaker
they'll change their rhythm and then hopefully it'll be a bit better rather than giving direction. Exactly. And you know what? Just let him stick it in. Just stick it in and be better. And then so if you think about that, like first if we pick this apart, does that make enjoyable sex? No. And so we're kind of stripping it right back to actually I don't enjoy it when he rubs me really, really hard.
Importance of Partner Communication
00:25:20
Speaker
And actually, I don't enjoy it when he sticks it in within five minutes. What I want and what I need is a lot more time. I need really gentle, not necessarily gentle touch, but I need a different kind of touch. And I need to be really, really engorging and aroused. Then it feels good.
00:25:42
Speaker
And it's this simple thing of realizing I didn't realize how much I was tolerating before because I didn't realize I wasn't enjoying it in the first place. Yeah. And then you think, well, of course you weren't enjoying sex then because you were tolerating. Nobody enjoys anything they tolerate. Yeah.
00:26:01
Speaker
I don't think the men want their partners to be tolerating it either, do they? That's the important thing is that this is not about, oh, it's the man's fault because they don't know what they're doing. If they're not given any feedback and not feedback in the negative sense either of saying, oh, I don't like that, then how are they to know? They're not mind readers. No one is a mind reader. It works both ways, isn't it? It's about actually both partners or more, however many people are in your bed.
00:26:29
Speaker
or wherever else. It's about that communication, isn't it? And having that personal responsibility of going, I know what I like, and this person wants to pleasure me, so I will tell them what they need to do, and then it's a win-win for everyone. Exactly. And I think you've also said something important here, because it's very, very easy to fall into this thing of, oh, he's just a selfish asshole. Yeah. And it doesn't mean that
00:26:56
Speaker
anyone could be, we can all be selfish assholes because we are humans. And, you know, for most, most of the women and people of all this I've worked with, their partner, whether they are male or female, wants them to feel good.
00:27:11
Speaker
They want them to, but they don't know how. And I encourage them, can you really hold on to that willingness? The desire is there that he, she, or they, they want you to have a good time. And yes, that can also feel like pressure, but the willingness is there. I'm quietly optimistic that
00:27:36
Speaker
I say most men, I think more men than we give them credit for want their partners to have an amazing time.
Non-linear Journey of Sexual Wellness
00:27:46
Speaker
And if it doesn't, then you need to question why you're in a relationship with them. Yeah. Well, that's where you're thinking that there's some, you're going down the line of abuse, isn't it? If the other partner doesn't care and doesn't just is doing their own thing, then it's a totally different scenario, isn't it? But certainly when I speak to men that come and
00:28:06
Speaker
come to my general practice and if they express concerns about their sex lives, they will always say, I just want her to, I just want to be doing the right thing that she really enjoys. Because that's, you know, we all like that good feedback, don't we? We all like to make other people feel good in, you know, sexual or non-sexual scenarios. So that's what we're naturally all geared towards, or the vast majority of humans are wired to want other people to enjoy our company, isn't it?
00:28:37
Speaker
Exactly. And it's a relational thing and it's like, um, and I think it's very easy when you are struggling in your relationship or your marriage, you know, to feel this anger and resentment and to project onto your partner. Oh, they're just selfish. They don't care or whatever, or a really common dynamic, especially in heterosexual dynamics is where a woman ends up feeling a bit like his mother. Hmm.
00:29:03
Speaker
And it's something really subtle. It's not something you're consciously deciding to do, but it's like a dynamic you can sometimes play out. And so it's noticing, hmm, I'm kind of feeling a bit like his mother here. Let's see what is happening for me so I can step out of that. Where I'm not making him or them wrong the whole time. But yeah, in general, I trust that the partner you are with wants you to have a good time.
00:29:32
Speaker
and really is open to listening. And if they're not, that is a very different issue that needs to be worked on. Absolutely.
00:29:41
Speaker
So would you say that the majority of your clients then get a really positive result so they go from not enjoying sex to having really enjoyable sex? Is that like the end goal for your coaching clients? I say it's the end goal and I always say I want you to think of it more as a cherry on top.
Tools for Navigating Sexual Wellness
00:30:02
Speaker
It is the inevitable result of doing everything else and
00:30:07
Speaker
That is always a journey isn't it because it's not just about you know a one-time thing of oh you had good sex and then you had an orgasm at the end and brilliant you clapped together on the back at the end because it's more about building those confidence that self-confidence and self-awareness of what works for you and then that inevitably becomes its own journey of where you can take that and explore that together.
00:30:33
Speaker
Exactly. And something I'll say that often for the clients that I work with, it does take time. And I don't want to kind of paint this illusion that every single one, when we finish working together, they're having great sex all the time. For some, it takes a bit longer because there's a lot to unpick. And it's the realizing, you know, for a lot of the clients that I work with, it can be learning how to feel safe to be sexual, that being sexual is safe, that being in your body is safe.
00:31:02
Speaker
And often there's other stuff going on as well. So in general, my clients leave, they leave, you know, they leave on a high, leave feeling really confident. And there's often, there's often further to go. And I think it's very easy to kind of paint this picture of healing and progress as like a linear upward trajectory.
00:31:25
Speaker
And actually, it's not quite like that. There will be times when it feels like you've taken two steps back, and that's completely normal. Completely normal. My goal is to give my clients as many tools as possible to navigate all of the stickiness. And so, okay, something's happened here. Okay, I've got a toolbox of things I can do.
00:31:50
Speaker
Yeah, it's what it is about that toolbox, isn't it? When it comes to any type of healing, I would say, and it's always a rollercoaster. So you always get ups and downs. But it's more about where's the general trend moving?
Innate Sexual Potential
00:32:02
Speaker
Is the general trend moving upwards to the way you want to go? Or is it generally moving downwards and you need to implement more tools or get some more support to kind of change the trajectory? Yeah. And I think because I remember one person, she was on one of my workshops, I think,
00:32:21
Speaker
And she was saying something about like, when am I going to get there? You know, this metaphorical there. And I'm like, well, it's both and. I think when we make progress with anything, we don't always see the progress we're making. And then we end up achieving the thing and like, oh, was that it?
00:32:42
Speaker
Oh, why was I thinking this was such a big thing in the first place? And that's normal. And then there's, and like, I like to think of, there are, what's it, I hope I'm not sounding like a negative Nelly here. It is absolutely possible to be at a place of feeling really sexually confident and that your sexuality is good. And there are gonna be times when it feels sticky still, and that's okay. Like think of this as like a,
00:33:12
Speaker
Here's another way that I like to think of it. Is that everything you need already exists within you. That sexual confidence is already there. That capacity to have an orgasm is already there. Your capacity to feel pleasure, it's already there. Everything that you need is already here right now.
Sexual Energy and Health
00:33:34
Speaker
So with one client, we use this analogy. It's like when weeds are growing around a grapevine or something.
00:33:41
Speaker
Yeah. We're just pruning away some of the weeds. Absolutely. Yes, just just digging it up, isn't it? It's just unveiling it.
00:33:49
Speaker
yeah it's like dust what's it pruning away but like the plant was already there it was already there we're just kind of snipping away some things and making it so that the plant can flourish we're giving it the water in the sunlight it needs absolutely yeah yeah just like anything else that that just needs regular tending doesn't it
00:34:14
Speaker
Exactly. And so it's less about when I get there, I'm going to be a completely different person. And when I get to this place of being this ravishing sex goddess, like Jessica Rabbit, I'm like, well, actually, she's probably already there inside you.
00:34:32
Speaker
So let's celebrate and be with exactly as you are right now, rather than kind of projecting it forwards as to like some, yeah, if this makes sense. Yeah, absolutely. So what about women who suffer with health conditions? So they might have physical health conditions like chronic pain, or chronic fatigue,
00:34:54
Speaker
or what about women who have mood problems, so low mood, or they're really anxious, or they're just stressed, very stressed, and that's affecting their sexual desire. Have you seen those women reach their goals and feel successful with using the tools that you recommend?
00:35:21
Speaker
I say yes and I like to, here's a way of reframing it. What if your sexual energy per se in however that looks like to you, your eroticism was one of the tools that helps you with your health?
00:35:37
Speaker
Hmm.
Empowerment through Dance
00:35:38
Speaker
Yes. Interesting. Yeah. What if it was the thing that fuels you? Like this is one reason why so many women are taking up like pole fitness or burlesque or even strip tees or
00:35:54
Speaker
Well, there's a heels empowerment dance workshop in Cardiff, actually. And that's all about, you know, becoming your sexy self and confident self. So that's a dance class in heels. Exactly. I'd love to try that. I did try it and I was rubbish because I can't walk in heels, let alone dance in heels. It actually was really hard work. Like the leg burn afterwards was really, really tough.
00:36:21
Speaker
Yeah, I mean, like for somebody with chronic pain or chronic fatigue that may not be accessible and there's so much more, it can even be the thing of like, you know, taking yourself lingerie shopping.
00:36:35
Speaker
But the point is you're doing it to affirm your sexuality and your eroticism. If
Burlesque as Confidence Booster
00:36:42
Speaker
you have endometriosis, if you have a stoma, still going out and buying sexy lingerie adds this thing of, I'm allowed to feel good and I am still me. And one thing I've become obsessed with at the moment, I've seen them on Instagram, they're twerking classes.
00:37:00
Speaker
Or just simply learning how to move your pelvis and shake your arse and shake your hips. Yeah, there's a really good dance one that I follow called Naughty Girl Fitness. They have an app as well. So it's like an online dance class, but they do a lot of twerking fitness, which is also very difficult.
00:37:22
Speaker
And I'm thinking of like, before the pandemic, I was teaching at this event thing. And there was, it was me and there was a woman who teaches burlesque and her thing was called Wiggle for Wellness, which is like teaching burlesque, but in like regular clothes. Yeah. Because a lot of women wouldn't go to burlesque because it feels a bit threatening. Oh God, I have to wear like nipple tassels and I have to.
00:37:46
Speaker
And you know, and this is just in your regular clothes. And I remember there was one woman there who I'm guessing was in her 50s or 60s. You know, she was walking with a stick. So, you know, there's some health issues going on there. And she's, you know, I could tell that she wasn't particularly thinking of herself as a sexy woman.
00:38:07
Speaker
And it was doing this class of Wiggle for Wellness, like, you know, learning to swing your hips and like sashay your bum. And Holly, her name was going around and I go, oh, yeah, nice juicy bum, like really kind of affirming it. Like, I think you can't underestimate having somebody going, oh, you're so sexy. Yeah, that's it. You swing your ass. Yes. Grab your juicy ass.
00:38:32
Speaker
And this woman, there was just a real twinkle in her eye and she was like, I didn't know I could feel this good. And I'm just like clapping like a, it's just, and that's what,
00:38:46
Speaker
It's the thing, especially when your body is failing you or you feel your body's failing you. It's so easy and normal to fall into this pit of everything's awful, to get really engulfed by the pain, by the fatigue, by everything and actually
00:39:05
Speaker
sexuality can be that thing that you start that makes you want to live again.
Health Benefits of Orgasms
00:39:10
Speaker
Yeah, absolutely. Yeah, because that's what I find that health conditions people just find that that then overshadows everything and then they certainly feel that they become defined by that health condition and definitely lose trust in their own body.
00:39:24
Speaker
and their own body's ability to heal itself, even though you might have one condition in one part of the body, the rest of the body is still doing its job and feels like it's doing a good thing. And you might find that your sexuality is completely fine and that there is so much health benefits in orgasms, for example, it can boost your immune system. So I really like this concept of, oh, actually, what if we used your sexuality to help
00:39:54
Speaker
rest of the body. Exactly. And it's like, I see it as, again, a mindset shift of I am a sexy woman, I'm a sexy person, and I get to enjoy it. And you could say in spite of or it's like it
00:40:13
Speaker
gives you more of an identity out. It changes maybe the locus of your identity away from the sick person, the person with this health condition, because I have a health condition myself. I've had ME and various other things since I was 14. I'm now 34. And one of the things that I learned early on in recovery communities, which I'm so grateful for, which is,
00:40:40
Speaker
Don't make your health condition your identity because that is going to limit you and it will actually cut you off from making any improvements. Make your identity something else. Because when you just, you know, this can be a very social media thing, especially now where someone will say, I'm an M.E.R.
00:41:02
Speaker
I'm a fibromyalgia warrior. And I think there's real value in, first of all, claiming that part of you, you know, because when you have chronic illness, there's a huge grieving process of your lost identity of who you were. But I would say, please don't stay there. Don't make your health condition your whole identity because you are not your health condition. You are you.
00:41:32
Speaker
Absolutely. So what about how can women's sexual pleasure, how can it positively affect mental health?
Sexuality in Healthcare
00:41:45
Speaker
Overall, do you feel and their physical health overall?
00:41:49
Speaker
Well, that's a whole study in itself. There's a whole lot. I mean, if you're just getting into this or maybe you need to be reminded, from a very physiological perspective, we know that orgasms are just generally very good for our overall physical and mental health. They help with the immune system, they help with stress, they help you sleep, they help with creativity. On a purely physiological level, if you have a vagina, regular orgasms keep blood flow.
00:42:16
Speaker
They help keep your pelvic floor more toned and more healthy. They say if you don't use it, you lose it. I don't think that's a great incentive to have orgasms, but orgasms are really good for your health, just physically. Mentally, they're really good for your mental health. They help with relaxation. They help with sleep.
00:42:38
Speaker
They help with creativity blocks, but also they just help you feel good. And feeling good is a benefit in and of itself, especially when it comes to wellbeing. It's very easy in mental health and wellbeing to kind of focus on sometimes the negative.
00:42:59
Speaker
but actually the point is feeling good and learning how to feel good is part of mental health and wellbeing, like intentionally feeling good. Also, it has a huge impact on your self-esteem. The flip side, when women can't orgasm, it really impacts their self-esteem because they feel that they're broken and there's something wrong with them. Whereas when you can come or when you're having more orgasms, it's, ah, at least I can feel good about this.
00:43:29
Speaker
Yeah, absolutely. And I think that's why we need to talk more about sexuality in the healthcare space because of all those benefits. That's what we're seeking in healthcare is all of those results that you've just mentioned. That's the point of healthcare is to make people feel well and good in their body. So this is definitely something that needs to be talked about more and normalized, I would say.
Myths about Female Libido
00:43:54
Speaker
Yeah, I like to think of it as like, foundationally, I matter. Yeah. One of the things I say is like, I want people to shift this focus to sex is not just something you give to your partner. It is something that is yours and that you share with your partner, because your sexuality is yours. Your orgasms are yours. And for many women, there's not a sense of ownership there. And for men as well. Yeah.
00:44:24
Speaker
And then talking about that then, what are the kind of misconceptions or myths that you come across frequently that women express to you? And then how would you help them address those? Sure. So like, I think we touched on this earlier. I can't remember if we were recording this or not. But it's like when my libido goes, that's it. You're getting it back.
00:44:47
Speaker
And I want to kind of deconstruct this idea that your libido is something you always need to be focusing on, and that having a libido means good sex. Actually, to quote Cindy Darnell, like, waiting for your libido is a very unreliable marker of great sex. You were saying earlier that a lot of women come to you like, where's the female Viagra?
00:45:12
Speaker
There's something wrong with my hormones as to why I've got no libido. It doesn't mean that there may not be some stuff with your hormones that could be addressed, but waiting for your urge to have sex is not how you're going to have great sex. And it's also this idea that once you've lost your libido, that's it, it's gone forever. Rather than actually it's something that's going to wax and wane,
00:45:36
Speaker
and why not be aware of what things make you feel more horny and things that make you feel less horny. Understanding the difference between spontaneous and responsive desire is a big one. For men and women, they feel ashamed or feel there's something wrong with them that they might just be at this baseline of, I don't really feel horny, and then once they get into sex, that's when they enjoy it.
Understanding Female Desire
00:46:02
Speaker
Yeah. And I'm like, yeah, that's completely normal. It's called having a responsive desire. Yeah. Oh, okay. Which it was where it's fairies from male desire, isn't it? In general, and there was more research by I think Dr. Nicola Prowse about why actually all desire is responsive desire. And that for men that their desire can be responding to like hormone changes or something else.
00:46:30
Speaker
Um, but in general, it's very hard, but this kind of generalize here, a lot of men, it can be the, I feel horny. I want to have sex right now. And of course, if men don't experience that, there's a lot of shame there.
00:46:46
Speaker
Whereas for a lot of women, it can be that, well, I need these things in place first. Yeah. You know, other things have taken space in my mind that has taken priority. Exactly. And it's like, often female desire is often very context based. Yeah. Yeah. And I think that's what we've kind of unveiled today, isn't
Open Discussions on Sexual Concerns
00:47:10
Speaker
it? Is that these are the things that you might find you need in order to feel
00:47:16
Speaker
that you want to prioritise your sexuality. So what strategies and techniques do you use to help women then to discuss their sexual concerns or their desires openly?
00:47:30
Speaker
Um, so first of all, um, I really set this space for everything is welcome. I use Frank and explicit language deliberately. So there's no elephant in the room that isn't being named. Yep. I'll call the cock a cock and a pussy a pussy. And it's important that we talk like I use this language really normally. Um, because then it's, it's not the mysterious scary elephant.
00:47:59
Speaker
Um, also I do one of my favorite
Challenging Vulva Standards
00:48:02
Speaker
exercises. This is the hand, heart, vulva exercise. Um, I do a lot of things called body shaking where we'll stand up or shake our bodies, take a few deep breaths. And that's another really simple way of helping you land on your body more. Um, I do one of my favorite, they're all my favorite exercises. Yeah. There's the pleasure homework where it's pay attention to what brings you pleasure.
00:48:28
Speaker
Sometimes I'll do a session with them where we look at our vulvas together. It will be on Zoom with the camera off or the camera away, so there's no nudity that I can see or she can see.
00:48:40
Speaker
OK, so you don't show each other. It's not a show and tell. No, I mean, I know. I mean, I would love to do one of these in-person workshops at some point, because if you're listening to this thinking, actually, there's a lot. I mean, there's there's real medicine. No, I say medicine. If you think about it, because we don't see fannies in the wild, we very rarely see other women's fannies.
00:49:07
Speaker
No, unless you do my job and then you see it. Unless you do my job and you see them several times every day. Exactly. That's the point. And so like, and we don't see them. And so sometimes the simple thing of just seeing other women's vulvas is like, oh, oh, actually, there's nothing wrong with mine. Oh, actually, she's kind of cute. There's a really good book I recommend every woman by it's called
00:49:36
Speaker
it called it's on my bookshelf where is it it's the
00:49:41
Speaker
Ah, Womanhood, The Bare Reality by Laura Doddsworth. She took photos of a hundred vulvas and then the woman shared her story and it was completely anonymous. You can't underestimate how powerful it is just to see other vulvas to then feel completely normal about your own.
Porn's Role in Sexual Education
00:50:08
Speaker
Yeah, I think definitely, I think if that is someone's insecurity, then not realizing that, I don't know, I just think they all look different, but they all look the same. Do you know what I mean? And I think that's probably because I've seen, I don't know, thousands now is, you know, it's to me, it's just the same as looking at someone's arm or someone's hand, you know, they're all different, but they're roughly the same, you know? And, you know, because like, I had a client who felt really embarrassed because she has very long inner labia.
00:50:38
Speaker
And because often we don't tend to see vulvas unless they're in porn. A lot of porn actresses have had labia plasti and have had vulva and anal bleaching. And so there's that thing of God, there's something wrong with mine because my labia is super long or maybe you've got lopsided labia. I say I'm a, I'm very open. I think my right labia is a lot longer than my left one.
00:51:03
Speaker
Well, that'll be the majority. So you don't get asymmetry. You don't get asymmetry anywhere else in the body. So why you would expect to have perfectly asymmetric supermodel labia. But the point is, it's just a normalizing that I'm not making it, you know, when I say openly, my right labia is longer than my left one.
00:51:24
Speaker
And I talk about it as normally and as I talk about, well, my right hand is a bit more double jointed than my left hand. Or, you know, my right eyebrow is a different shape to my left one. It stops making it a thing.
00:51:39
Speaker
Absolutely. And I think that's the danger with porn, isn't it? Porn is starting to become where people go to for sexual education, particularly teenagers, which is a whole other topic of discussion. But that is one of my main concerns, is that that is now becoming so accessible for everyone, that that is where people
00:52:01
Speaker
learn anything to do with sexuality, which is, you know, it's, it's not a good source of education, I would say. Of course not. And, but and, you know, every porn performer will say exactly the same. And I think this is the issue. It's like porn is not sex education. And there it is an issue that it's so easily accessible. And how do we how do we have these conversations? And it's like,
00:52:30
Speaker
The flip side of that is that because porn is readily accessible, porn is the easiest depiction of people having enjoyable sex. I say the easiest, most accessible. It doesn't mean they're not faking it. It doesn't mean there's all sorts of weird shady things happening in that industry. But it's a very normal human thing to want to see people having sex and enjoying it.
Parental Guidance on Porn
00:52:52
Speaker
And then to want to get off too. Porn is the easiest way to access that.
00:52:57
Speaker
Yeah. And does that, but then of course the porn that they're seeing, which is often the free stuff that is the most readily accessible, is not only not realistic, but is pretty harmful. Yeah. Yeah, I think it's just understanding and having the maturity to know that it's got its place, but it's not somewhere to
00:53:16
Speaker
learn about physical bodies or what's normal, what isn't, what's average and understand it. It's a performance, you know, so you don't get your education from any other type of movie. Well, you know, I love this analogy. It's like you don't learn how to have a happy marriage by watching EastEnders.
00:53:33
Speaker
Yeah, yeah, absolutely. Well, if you don't learn healthy conflict resolution through examples, do you? No, absolutely. Or, you know, you don't learn healthy marriage through watching Married at First Sight. Yeah. Yeah. And that's what's bizarre, isn't it? It's like, why is it now that people can't understand that porn is just a performance like any other film you would watch? Yeah. And
00:53:59
Speaker
And it's completely, you know, if you're a mum listening to this and you're worried about your child watching porn, like, yeah, that's a really valid concern. Yeah. Yeah. Really valid concern. And maybe take this as an opportunity to then explore how you feel about porn. And it's not about making porn bad or wrong. It's about addressing your own discomfort with it. And then talking to your kid about
00:54:27
Speaker
say your kid, your young person, how do you feel about it? Because a really common thing, it's not that you watch a porn video and then you share on Instagram or TikTok, oh my God, I just saw this gang bang and it was so hot, I want to share it with everyone. Or I saw this video where he kept coming on her face and I really hate it, I don't like it at all.
Sexual Wellness as Vitality Source
00:54:53
Speaker
Kids are seeing these videos and not able to process it with anyone.
00:54:57
Speaker
Yeah, not able to chat it through and yeah, exactly, process how they feel about it. So yeah, it's a whole other top of conversation, isn't it, for us as sex coaches. So we've talked about so much stuff here for women and people with vulvas and how important their sexual pleasure is for them as a whole being. So to conclude,
00:55:26
Speaker
Can you tell me what sexual wellness means to you as a professional in this industry? I know that's like a big question, isn't it? That's a big question. The first thing that comes to my mind is acknowledging it as an essential part of your overall wellness and that sexual wellness
00:55:54
Speaker
Like in the wellness field in particular, wellness is not about absence of illness. In the same way with sexual wellness, it's not just around, well, it's not that bad. You know, I'm having sex, sex is no longer hurting me anymore. That's great. I'm good now. No, sexual wellness would be what would feel good to me sexually, how, what would
00:56:20
Speaker
What would fuel my sexual happiness? I've talked about the concept of sexual energy and you don't have to be really woo woo to get this concept. It's like, what makes me feel more sexually alive? What feeds my eroticism? And what if my eroticism and my sexual energy and vitality was the thing that fueled me and was the thing that give me something to live for?
00:56:47
Speaker
Yeah, I really like that concept of that sexuality fueling the rest of the body and boosting the overall health of your physical and mental health. I just think that's so important and so important for women who do face health challenges, that this can actually be something really positive that you enjoy and use in your overall wellness journey.
Enhancing Sexual Wellness
00:57:15
Speaker
And I know what people are going to be looking for. So as a, as a sex coach, and as you said, right at the start is people think that we're going to have these jobs where we sit on the end of the bed and say, well done. So doing a great thing or do this way or do that way. But I think people are looking for tips, aren't they? So what are your top tips for sexual wellness and for enjoying your sex life?
00:57:47
Speaker
I really like the hand vulva exercise. I think that's a brilliant one, which I really implore people to give it a go. I'm going to probably record a podcast episode where I lead people through that exercise because it's easy to share and you can try it yourself. What's the other one?
00:58:07
Speaker
Start paying attention to what things bring you pleasure and joy. And these can be like, you know, sensory, like food, like smells, like textures, like music, like pay attention and really savour them. And then, what was I going to say? I'm trying to make this really concrete rather than like really abstract.
00:58:33
Speaker
invest in a good sex toy. Yeah, okay. And a sex toy that you like, a sex toy that you want to be using, because there's no point in me recommending the best sex toy in the market. Well, actually, no, it's the sex, the best sex toy in the market is the one that feels good to you and you like. Yeah. And that doesn't harm your body.
00:58:51
Speaker
So like, go to an adult store, ask the assistant, buy a sex toy that you feel excited to use, that looks pretty to you, that you like the texture of, and make your self-pleasuring and masturbation, make it a whole event.
00:59:09
Speaker
unless you've got consent from your viewers. Set the scene, like light candles if you want to, make it a whole meal rather than like a quick rub. Take your time.
00:59:27
Speaker
by erotica, like, you know, you may not like watching porn, that's completely fine although there's lots of feminists and ethical porn out there that's completely different to a lot of the tube stuff that you might look at and be like,
00:59:39
Speaker
you know what, this gets me going. Like buy erotica books, or there's loads of erotica apps like Guided by Glow, there's TriQuin, there's Dipsy. Dipsy is a good one, isn't it? Yeah, and Furly, these are four I recommend, and like explore erotica. Things that, because often we know that for women in general, it's because our desire tends to be a bit more context-based,
01:00:06
Speaker
It means that we tend to respond more to things that's written or audio, because then we can end up kind of filling in the blanks with a picture in our head.
Sex Toy Shops and Lubrication
01:00:15
Speaker
Whereas a lot of like visual porn can be a bit more appealing to men, although not always.
01:00:21
Speaker
And that's completely okay. I mean, this is why I like having a Kindle because you can download Smut onto your Kindle. Yeah, no one knows. And you can play with that. Read Smut in a cafe or read it on the train. Nobody knows. Yeah, yeah, make it fun. Make it fun. That's what I can think of for now.
01:00:45
Speaker
do find some sort of erotic sensual movement. Even just like, you know, if you were like, as a young woman, you used to grind on the dance floor.
01:00:56
Speaker
get a playlist of your old songs you used to grind to, just like play one of the songs and grind in the kitchen. Yeah, absolutely. Yeah, reawaken that dancing diva. Yeah, exactly. Yeah, great tips. Yeah. So yeah, I'm looking forward to everyone getting to their local sex toy store and asking the assistants. Your friendly neighborhood sex toy.
01:01:20
Speaker
They are very friendly. All sex toy shop workers are very friendly. It's their job. Yeah, exactly. And they'll be a wealth of knowledge, won't they? So yeah, go and do that and get your lubrication as well so that you've got that ready. Good lube. Yeah, good lube is always a tip, isn't it, from any sex coach, I think.
01:01:40
Speaker
Good lube. You can never say you can never use too much lube. You can, but lube is your best friend. Lots of lube. Yeah, that's a given, isn't it?
Social Media and Podcast Info
01:01:48
Speaker
So where can people find you? Because that is the other tip, isn't it? Is to normalise sexuality, learn more about it, have it more in your awareness. So follow Lucy on your Instagram. So tell people where they can find you and how they can join you and work with you.
01:02:06
Speaker
Also, so you can find me on my Instagram which is at Lucilurowett. Also, my website is Lucilurowett.com and I have a free PDF guide on how to confidently ask for what you want in bed. Do get that, it's really, it's packed full of really practical tips on confidently asking for what you want in bed.
01:02:27
Speaker
Also, check out my own podcast. It's called The Naked and Unashamed Life. You can catch that on Spotify and Apple podcasts. I've started a new monthly sex positive women's circle called Soul Sex Circle. It's around every new moon. So the next one is Tuesday next week, which may be a bit short notice for some listeners. But if you want any information about it, just look me up on my Instagram or on my website and send me a message.
01:02:54
Speaker
Um, or if you're wanting to take the dive and go deeper, I have spaces available to work together one-to-one. Perfect. Oh, and I'll obviously write all of those as, uh, in, in the description so that the links will all be there.
Conclusion and Future Discussions
01:03:08
Speaker
But yeah, I really implore everyone to follow Lucy cause she shares such useful practical tips that you can implement every single day of your life and be your
01:03:19
Speaker
true sexual self. That has been so helpful, Lucy. And you've shared so much, so much information that I think this will be really useful for people who are kind of thinking about this space. And as you said, wellness, it does need the sexual side of it in order to be truly completely well in the World Health Organization definition of wellness, which is
01:03:43
Speaker
not about absence of illness, it is about true wellness. So thank you for sharing all of your knowledge. I know people will be really interested and we'll have to do it again because there's so much more to talk about. I could talk about this topic all day long. Me too, I do. So thank you so much Lucy, that has been absolutely brilliant. Awesome, thanks so much. Bye.