Ruth; Triumph over Tragedy

Transcript

Speaker: Hi, Yes Mamas, and welcome to the Yes Mama podcast.

Speaker: I'm Miss Alana, here to give a special opening to a special episode.

Speaker: Ruth Molinari is my guest today.

Speaker: I was lucky enough to be the first teacher to her oldest son and have a bunch of her children go through my program when I was a Montessori teacher.

Speaker: But the number one thing that I've seen in Ruth is that she is that mom

Speaker: She is the one that has the best birthday parties.

Speaker: She is the one that does Christmas and Halloween and all of the things so well.

Speaker: And she is also the mom who's there to take care of all of the needs that her kids have, whether they have special doctors or whether they need help at school or no matter what it is, this woman is a super mom.

Speaker: And at the same time, she finds a way to do amazing self-care.

Speaker: So she is just the woman to talk to about being a yes mama.

Speaker: But she also went through the worst thing that could happen to you as a mom, and that is that she lost her son when he was three years old.

Speaker: He was going to the school I was teaching at, and he tragically passed away.

Speaker: And she has the strength to come on here and talk about her whole journey, talk about what happened and how she got through it.

Speaker: and how her community rallied around her and her friends and her family, and she is now thriving today.

Speaker: Her husband and her have created a family of love and trust and inclusion for all of their kids, and I just am so excited for you to hear all about it.

Speaker: This is a longer than usual episode, so feel free to pause and come back to it.

Speaker: And if anyone out there has gone through this as well,

Speaker: We love you and we see you and we're here.

Speaker: You can reach out on Instagram anytime.

Speaker: I'm yes.mamailana if you need any help or support because it is a tragedy.

Speaker: It's the worst thing you can go through.

Speaker: So here we go with Ruth Walonari.

Speaker: I hope you enjoy.

Speaker: Here we go.

Speaker: Hello, Yes Mamas.

Speaker: Thanks so much for tuning in today.

Speaker: We have a treat.

Speaker: One of my favorite moms is on here and doing this podcast.

Speaker: It's so funny.

Speaker: My tagline is because you can't be a great mom unless you're a great you.

Speaker: And Ruth, you have been someone who I have watched recently.

Speaker: over the years.

Speaker: I'm going to start with how we met, but you are amazing.

Speaker: You like, I wish that people out there could see your nails right now because they are beautiful spring, like yeah, Easter egg colors.

Speaker: And you know, I was at your house last night.

Speaker: I was like, and it was like joyful and music and you guys were outside grilling.

Speaker: So you're doing it.

Speaker: You are living it and you are in it every day.

Speaker: So thank you for taking this hour out to be here with me.

Speaker: Thank you so much.

Speaker: Such a pleasure.

Speaker: Thank you so much.

Speaker: I'm in tears already.

Speaker: Oh, good.

Speaker: No, we're here for it.

Speaker: We're here for all of it.

Speaker: So I'm going to set the scene of the first time that we ever met.

Speaker: And I remember with my oldest, I was a stepmom first.

Speaker: So with my oldest that I birthed, dropping her off for her first.

Speaker: first day at daycare and that like, Oh, that piece of you that you are handing off to another human.

Speaker: That is not you.

Speaker: So I was a Montessori teacher at the time, your oldest Lorenzo, who at that time we called Lolo, right?

Speaker: I'm glad he grew out of that.

Speaker: How did that feel that morning when you had to show up at that preschool and you were like, here is my child.

Speaker: Here you go.

Speaker: That was the craziest thing.

Speaker: And I wasn't sure about the school, but I did know that once Anthony and myself met you and saw you and had a conversation with you, that was it.

Speaker: I remember Anthony saying, if she's the teacher, then this is where we're going to bring Lorenzo because that's all I need to know.

Speaker: I don't even need to enter the classroom.

Speaker: So that just spoke volumes about you.

Speaker: And that's how we feel about you to this day.

Speaker: You've been with us-

Speaker: Yeah, you've been with us all these years.

Speaker: Right?

Speaker: I know.

Speaker: And it's energy.

Speaker: I mean, energy is everything, right?

Speaker: You can feel it just exuding off someone how their energy is.

Speaker: Absolutely.

Speaker: Totally.

Speaker: Yeah, it was weird doing that with Lorenzo.

Speaker: But I remember when it came down to Mateo, the second son, I think I was like waiting outside Montessori.

Speaker: Like, here you go.

Speaker: He's two years old.

Speaker: Good luck with that.

Speaker: Exactly.

Speaker: Thank God you don't have to be potty trained at this school.

Speaker: That speaks volumes too.

Speaker: Like first baby, like, yeah, you just want to wrap them in, you know, bubble wrap.

Speaker: And the second one, you're like, all right, I know he's going to be good.

Speaker: Get out of here.

Speaker: Great.

Speaker: You know, and then there's some kids you just, you want to hold on to.

Speaker: And then there's some kids where you're like, you need to go to school today.

Speaker: You need to go.

Speaker: There's not a day you can miss.

Speaker: Yeah.

Speaker: Absolutely.

Speaker: And we love them all the same, but there's just some energies that need to get out that energy somewhere else.

Speaker: God bless them all.

Speaker: Okay.

Speaker: So first child, first baby, first morning of them being away from you, or had you already had help at home or babysitters?

Speaker: So that wasn't like as big of a transition.

Speaker: I did have help at home.

Speaker: I was raised with help.

Speaker: So I had help and I had two back to back at Irish twins.

Speaker: So I definitely needed some help.

Speaker: But even though it's still so weird dropping off your first child and then you get this little packet that says your kid's going to be okay and here's this and here's that.

Speaker: And you're having a coffee and you're wondering, are they crying?

Speaker: Are they freaking out without you?

Speaker: And you pick them up and they're totally fine.

Speaker: Right.

Speaker: And they're happy and they don't even want to come home with you.

Speaker: Because they had all this child centered time, right?

Speaker: They had like all the toys that are perfectly for them and, you know, snack time with the snacks that you won't let them eat at home.

Speaker: And you know what I mean?

Speaker: There's all this, this whole other world out there for them.

Speaker: And then you realize, wow, like this is so necessary because what are they going to do at home?

Speaker: Watch TV or get on their iPads or whatever, anything electronical.

Speaker: So yeah,

Speaker: Just what's better than just live social play and learning there?

Speaker: There's just no better place.

Speaker: There is no better place.

Speaker: I totally agree.

Speaker: And the whole Montessori thing, you know, obviously is my background and what I love.

Speaker: But the reason that I went into it is because it is so...

Speaker: calming and child centered and has such a good like structure and flow, you know, and I've had a bunch of moms on here who are all like moms and teachers.

Speaker: And we all kind of said the same thing that if you can take a little bit of that structure, like every night at the same time is is bedtime.

Speaker: Every night at the same time is dinnertime.

Speaker: But just that structure of like how the day flows and the kids can get so comfortable within just knowing what's coming next.

Speaker: Right.

Speaker: Absolutely.

Speaker: Definitely.

Speaker: Like clean up time, picking up, take, taking care of your own mess, your cleanup station.

Speaker: And, um, even at home with my daughter, I remember asking you, um, all the activities I should get for her because it was during COVID and I wanted to make a little preschool for her here at the house.

Speaker: And so that's exactly what we did.

Speaker: I got the Montessori, you know, shelving units and I got the Montessori baskets and I got all the, you know, little activities that they did.

Speaker: And I mean, mind you, at first, I didn't know anything about Montessori.

Speaker: I, nothing.

Speaker: And I

Speaker: Anthony, my husband, was the preschool teacher.

Speaker: Once he walked in, he was like, did you see all the activities in there?

Speaker: I'm like, what activities?

Speaker: They all looked ancient.

Speaker: He was like, no, these are the most amazing things for kids to learn.

Speaker: I knew nothing.

Speaker: No, it's okay.

Speaker: It's just purposeful is what it is.

Speaker: You're right.

Speaker: It looks actually boring when you first look at it.

Speaker: Everything's wood and nothing makes a noise.

Speaker: It's like, huh?

Speaker: But you're right.

Speaker: It's just purposeful in the way.

Speaker: And you're right.

Speaker: That's exactly how you set it up at your house.

Speaker: This lesson or this toy, whatever, teaches this one thing.

Speaker: And that's what it is.

Speaker: And she takes it out and she uses it and she learns how to clean it up and put it away.

Speaker: That's right.

Speaker: We're still working on cleanup over here.

Speaker: Yeah.

Speaker: Everywhere.

Speaker: No, even in my house and my kids are in college.

Speaker: So no worries.

Speaker: Okay.

Speaker: So I had the honor of being Lolo's first teacher.

Speaker: That was the best.

Speaker: I love, I still get to see him.

Speaker: Then we fast forward over stuff that we'll come back to.

Speaker: And I got to be a pod teacher in your house.

Speaker: So we had two families come together during COVID.

Speaker: And so again, we were just creating structure, right?

Speaker: And I was there if they needed tutoring for, you know, if the teacher went too fast through a math program or whatever.

Speaker: That's right.

Speaker: It also speaks to you using self-care to make sure you're okay, no matter where you are.

Speaker: You know, like, yeah, some of us have help at home.

Speaker: Some of us don't.

Speaker: Some of us weren't.

Speaker: Like, everyone has their own thing, but you have managed to make sure that you were okay and had what you need first.

Speaker: Has that always been in your life?

Speaker: Did your mom teach you that?

Speaker: Like, how did you know that was important?

Speaker: I, that's a good question.

Speaker: Um, yes, I learned that from my mom.

Speaker: Uh, we, we grew up, you know, my parents were wealthy.

Speaker: So we always, I always had nannies around me and my mom always, you know, she lunched and, you know, always got her nails done.

Speaker: And if she went shopping and she had girlfriends and she was very social.

Speaker: And so, um,

Speaker: you know, I growing up and seeing that I saw how that made her happy.

Speaker: That just made her a happier person.

Speaker: And, um,

Speaker: And so when you grow up with that, it's just a part of you.

Speaker: It just becomes who you are.

Speaker: And I think I take better care of myself than my own mom as far as like, you know, spa treatments and one day getaways for myself, especially since I've become a mother.

Speaker: And I make sure my husband has the same situation for himself because, you know, he's such a hands-on father.

Speaker: He really is.

Speaker: He's the best.

Speaker: And he needs self-care too.

Speaker: It's important.

Speaker: If you're going to give all that you want to give to your children, you got to give it to yourself first.

Speaker: Because otherwise that well is just going to run dry and there will be nothing left of you.

Speaker: And it's happened to me where I've forgotten about myself.

Speaker: I've forgotten to replenish my well.

Speaker: And then what I noticed is that I was becoming a very selfish mother.

Speaker: I didn't want to share my food and I didn't want to, you know, I was like, I was snappy and I, and, and, and not a minute past a certain hour.

Speaker: Cause it was my time.

Speaker: It was my, you know, and, and I, I didn't like that because it wasn't who, you know, it wasn't who I was.

Speaker: So yeah.

Speaker: I just don't want to go there.

Speaker: And I just make sure that I'm taking care of myself.

Speaker: So I'm happy.

Speaker: I'm giving, I'm replenished.

Speaker: My well is full to keep giving to my husband, to my household, to my children, to my, to my friends, whoever's around me, the knowledge of people.

Speaker: Yeah.

Speaker: And what that is so well said, because there was even a podcast this week that triggered me like crazy.

Speaker: Cause it was like, if you want to fill your well, you have to do for others, but we, who are really hands-on moms and who really love our partners and really want to give all the time and giving is our, it's just who we are.

Speaker: Yeah.

Speaker: Right.

Speaker: I mean, you just, so yeah,

Speaker: Thinking about that being first, it really, it did, it triggered me because I was like, bro, if we do that all the time, like you are so kind to the teachers at your kid's school.

Speaker: Like you even give just saying thanks to the teachers for what they do.

Speaker: Like there's so much time that you're giving that not only do you need to be on that list, but putting yourself together.

Speaker: you know, close to the top, if not at the top, it's that whole like being on the airplane, you have to put your oxygen mask on first before you can help others.

Speaker: And, and it's so funny too, I love how you noticed two things.

Speaker: One, you noticed when you were getting snappy, right?

Speaker: And figured out why, right?

Speaker: Had that like questioning yourself of like, why am I snappy?

Speaker: What is going on with me that I'm not showing up in the way that I know I am?

Speaker: Like, that's not me.

Speaker: Exactly.

Speaker: It's just, it wasn't enough time for myself.

Speaker: I didn't, I needed a break.

Speaker: I needed like one, just one day of the week where I didn't wake up at 6am.

Speaker: Just, I just need one day, you know, when I sleep in.

Speaker: And even that one day that I sleep in my alarm, my alarm clock in my own head will wake me up at 6am, but it's still, it doesn't matter.

Speaker: I'm in bed and there's nowhere to go.

Speaker: And there's, I don't have to be responsible for anything.

Speaker: And, you know, being a parent is just,

Speaker: If you're a mom, I mean, you are a magical wonder woman because...

Speaker: being a mom, my God, all the responsibility that you take on, um, you have multiple children.

Speaker: Yep.

Speaker: I mean, all, all, all the, all the daily, um, kids activities to be on top of that.

Speaker: And then part of the school and you're volunteering and, um, their, their education.

Speaker: And, you know, if they have special needs and then, and then, and then you also have to maintain your relationship with your husband and make sure he's happy and,

Speaker: And then there's yourself, your relationship with yourself.

Speaker: I mean, there's just so much to juggle and just, just be, being a mom is just your, that, that is such a superpower in my opinion.

Speaker: It really is.

Speaker: It really is.

Speaker: And then, you know, I used to joke with my mom that then you have to remember all your kids, like there's so many little nuggets of things that you have to remember and carry, right?

Speaker: Like who likes creamy peanut butter and who likes chunky was always the joke in our house.

Speaker: Cause my mom was

Speaker: No idea.

Speaker: She was like, I don't know.

Speaker: They're both here.

Speaker: Use whatever you want.

Speaker: But there's such a, I don't know, their kids feel so loved when your mom does know what your favorite sandwich is to go to school.

Speaker: Or like, I can order out at a million different places.

Speaker: I know my family's order at how many different restaurants, right?

Speaker: Yeah.

Speaker: That's something we carry.

Speaker: We keep it.

Speaker: We, that's our thing, right?

Speaker: We're always, and like, even, yeah, my husband's, like, I know everyone's everything and we carry that with us all the time.

Speaker: And so sometimes it's like, wait, what's my order?

Speaker: Yeah.

Speaker: I mean, if I can get dinner and all three of my kids like the dinner, it's like, you don't understand.

Speaker: I jump around and jump for joy because I'm like, yes, I got it.

Speaker: All three of my kids like this dish and I didn't have to alter it in any way.

Speaker: Yeah, I used to have to separate we would I would do like a stir fry kind of thing for the same reason because I had one kid that didn't want, you know, no sauce, no seasoning and of any kind but I was like, Okay, so if I had the same, like vegetables and protein, and then I just kept his to the side and didn't.

Speaker: So I was like, thought I was being all you know, super mom tricky that like, well,

Speaker: It's still the same dinner.

Speaker: I didn't make multiple dinners, but I tricked you.

Speaker: You're right.

Speaker: There's so much to remember.

Speaker: There's so much to be there for.

Speaker: There's so much to carry for them.

Speaker: Now your kids are the age where homework matters.

Speaker: And each day.

Speaker: And each one has their own personality.

Speaker: And I can't, you know, back in the day, you know, my mom would just lecture us like one, one and all, right.

Speaker: And, and it's, you're on your own to get that lecture, but you can't do that now.

Speaker: No, you know, we're so conscious now.

Speaker: As parents, you know, we're forward thinkers.

Speaker: Like once you know, you can't, you can't pretend you don't know anymore.

Speaker: So you like, I can't, I can't, I can't parent all my kids the same way.

Speaker: And that's exhausting in itself.

Speaker: You know, that's like, it's like, I feel like sometimes I wear like battle gear because I'm like out in the field and I'm like, okay, what you got?

Speaker: Like, come on.

Speaker: Absolutely.

Speaker: You know, and at the end of the day, I feel like I'm peeling off my armor because I've had to be mom and I've had to be on porn.

Speaker: point all day and I've had to make sure everyone's good.

Speaker: And then now it's my turn to peel off my layers and then jump in bed and watch whatever movie or thing that makes me happy.

Speaker: But yeah.

Speaker: But that's so well said.

Speaker: And maybe the armor is that self-care.

Speaker: Maybe that is what allows you to go into that battlefield and be your best self in there is because you have taken that time.

Speaker: And I love the way that you said your mom came home happy.

Speaker: Like that, that seems like such a important nugget that mom did go, let's just use, you know, going out to lunch with friends.

Speaker: Cause that's the best.

Speaker: That's like free, you know, going out to girlfriend's lunch and went out, did it right.

Speaker: Right.

Speaker: But came home happy.

Speaker: I think that's that key of, you know, why you're taking care of yourself, you know, how you want to be present yourself when you do get home.

Speaker: I was raised with help in the home.

Speaker: My mom always used to say everyone should have a wife.

Speaker: Right.

Speaker: And I was like, and you know, I didn't have that experience when my kids were little, I wanted to do everything.

Speaker: I was a little bit more codependent where I was like, I can do everything.

Speaker: I want to do it all myself.

Speaker: Like I can be in charge, but it's that piece of,

Speaker: whether or not you have help or even you figure out how to do it like there's there's that magic hour before like when you drop off the kids before you have to be the next place you have to be that's like a magic little time where you can go meet up with someone for coffee or take a long walk or whatever and then some of us have that magic hour you know right before you pick up the kids or like

Speaker: If you're coming home from work or whatever.

Speaker: So like trying to figure out where those times are, but you then have to come home happy.

Speaker: That's the second half to it is I have filled myself up.

Speaker: I did this thing.

Speaker: I feel great.

Speaker: How am I going to enter my home?

Speaker: Absolutely.

Speaker: How do you enter your home?

Speaker: The energy that you bring to your home is the most important and how you start your day.

Speaker: You know, I will say that I am fortunate.

Speaker: I have, you know...

Speaker: you know, my, my lunches or my time, that's, that's a luxury.

Speaker: It's a privilege.

Speaker: I know that a lot of women, you know, they have to work.

Speaker: They don't get that time.

Speaker: And the only time they have is like that snippet of time on the weekend or whatever.

Speaker: So I, you know, I'm always very grateful for my time and, and what I, what I'm able for myself to create.

Speaker: But one thing is, one thing I want to say is,

Speaker: I, the help that I have, I have, I have, uh, like, like I have, I forgo a lot of other luxuries in order to pay for help.

Speaker: Yes.

Speaker: Because help to me equals freedom.

Speaker: So I'll forego the handbag and the, this and a lunch or two, or this and that just so I have help because I know growing up what that, what, what it, what it means.

Speaker: It means freedom to me.

Speaker: 100%.

Speaker: And there's no reason that it has to be a big deal.

Speaker: It could be a babysitter on a Friday afternoon for two hours or, you know, a Saturday morning where, you

Speaker: you have right so it can mean so many different things and and i just love that you use the word gratitude because i'm grateful everyone has their own circumstances and you know high and low and whatever but it is maintaining that gratitude that i can be grateful for the simplest things like even on a saturday morning when i was alone with my kids and they would stay in bed or like play in their rooms for an hour so like that's not having help but it's still me time

Speaker: I can just be in gratitude like, oh my gosh, they're playing quietly.

Speaker: Hallelujah, right?

Speaker: So I love how you said that, but it's all about gratitude.

Speaker: We all have our own stuff.

Speaker: We all have our own circumstances.

Speaker: You got to make it work for you.

Speaker: And, and, uh, it's one thing like my husband, uh, you know, he didn't grow up with help, you know, he, he, you know, his family, all blue collar workers.

Speaker: And, um, he, he, his world was so different than my world, but it's one thing he did understand when I said, listen, you know,

Speaker: We're going to put some money into this pot and this pot is going to take care of like help for us.

Speaker: So we can go on a date night and we can, you know, our house is clean.

Speaker: We don't have to scrub toilets or whatever it is.

Speaker: Like we're getting this help, but this help, this is, this is our freedom right here.

Speaker: So we're going to forego some other luxuries in order for us to experience this, this kind of like freedom for ourselves.

Speaker: Trust me, it's worth it.

Speaker: And he, you can ask him, he'll say over and over and over again, it was that.

Speaker: It's the best money spent.

Speaker: 100%.

Speaker: I will high five you through this podcast of the getting help to come clean your house.

Speaker: I don't know.

Speaker: I mean, maybe it's because we were both raised with people that did it for us, but that money is priceless.

Speaker: And I know it would take me like how long?

Speaker: No, I don't do it that well.

Speaker: I can take so much more time.

Speaker: And I would much rather, yeah, not have a night out or not buy new shoes.

Speaker: I don't know.

Speaker: It's actually when you look at how much it actually is,

Speaker: I mean, you can make it and it's magic.

Speaker: And it's, and, and again, as a woman, it's someone doing something for you.

Speaker: Yes.

Speaker: Someone comes and cleans my toilet for me.

Speaker: Oh my gosh.

Speaker: Thank you.

Speaker: Clean my house once a week.

Speaker: Thank you.

Speaker: Like mop it, scrub it, do your thing.

Speaker: Like, thank you.

Speaker: That is something that I don't need to worry about.

Speaker: Like I've got enough going on.

Speaker: Like at least that's handled.

Speaker: Like,

Speaker: Absolutely.

Speaker: And I think in any town, one of my kids' friends actually was cleaning houses a little bit because she was like, I could just go on care.com or whatever it was and put out that I can... She was trying to make some money.

Speaker: So there's levels of... There are the crews that come in and four people at a time do it in an hour.

Speaker: There's someone probably down the street that would come and do it.

Speaker: You know what I mean?

Speaker: You just got to get...

Speaker: I don't know.

Speaker: Anything out there, whatever you want, it's out there.

Speaker: You got to be right.

Speaker: Shifting gears, you are the queen of self-care and I love that about you.

Speaker: So thank you for being so honest about, about how you look at it and do it.

Speaker: And I, I think in preparing for this today, the things that have, and correct me if I'm wrong, but the things that have made your life

Speaker: wonderful and work is a three prong system.

Speaker: Cause like three is the magic number.

Speaker: There's like a song about that, but I believe that too.

Speaker: Community, spirituality and love.

Speaker: Mm-hmm.

Speaker: And love actively, not just like, eh, love's a thing, but like, like even how you said, I care that my husband is happy, right?

Speaker: You love actively.

Speaker: It is a verb.

Speaker: You show up for your kids.

Speaker: You show up for your husband.

Speaker: You show up for, for your community, which is so strong.

Speaker: Your community is amazing.

Speaker: Right.

Speaker: But that three prong thing really can get through everything.

Speaker: anything, anything, if you have it set up, right?

Speaker: Absolutely.

Speaker: Absolutely.

Speaker: And so let's just start with how you met Anthony, because it's, that's my favorite stories.

Speaker: Well, we, so we met at a transformational dinner.

Speaker: We, we, we were, thank God we're both people that just always want to

Speaker: grow and learn and continue to improve ourselves.

Speaker: Right.

Speaker: Yeah.

Speaker: And there's that spirituality piece.

Speaker: Go for it.

Speaker: Spirituality piece.

Speaker: And so we met at one of these transformational dinners and I just finished a workshop.

Speaker: And, um, as soon as we saw each other, we knew like, this is, this is the one I'm going to marry this guy.

Speaker: And he felt the same way about me.

Speaker: And there were no games and, and, and within three days and we were together as soon as we met, like that was it.

Speaker: We knew.

Speaker: And we got married a year after that.

Speaker: And it wasn't a Cinderella story.

Speaker: There's obviously, you know, a lot of hoops.

Speaker: Yeah.

Speaker: A lot of things that life happens.

Speaker: But our love is undeniable.

Speaker: And our commitment for one another is so there.

Speaker: And we're so dedicated.

Speaker: We're so committed.

Speaker: And I'm, I'm so grateful for him.

Speaker: He's just loving me the way he does.

Speaker: You know, he loves me fiercely and no one's ever loved me like that.

Speaker: So I'm just grateful for that.

Speaker: And I love that.

Speaker: I mean, the fact that you met at like a, not a spiritual thing or whatever, but energy is everything.

Speaker: And learning about energy and how to feel it and then how to get your vibe up into the right place.

Speaker: I mean, it was no accident that you guys both were in that same place.

Speaker: I mean, he's from Boston.

Speaker: The fact that he was even in LA, you know, I don't even know why he was there, but you guys both

Speaker: we're doing this work, you both had this high vibe, and then you turned and looked at each other and was like, yep, that one, that one, right?

Speaker: It's a frequency, I call it a frequency.

Speaker: And I think I think when you are shining on a certain frequency, that frequency can only attract the like frequency.

Speaker: This is, you know, like attracts like, and

Speaker: And I was coming off of this.

Speaker: I had this vibe.

Speaker: I was on this incredible frequency from this transformational class that I had just done.

Speaker: And I was so sure-footed.

Speaker: And I think I had like declared, I was 35 years old at the time.

Speaker: And I think I had declared to myself, like, I'm fine.

Speaker: I'm not going to worry about getting married.

Speaker: And, you know, I'm good on my own.

Speaker: And, you know, whatever it is, it will be and all that.

Speaker: And then, boom, I went to dinner.

Speaker: And then that was it.

Speaker: But I also know it happens when you're like, I'm good, right?

Speaker: I'm good.

Speaker: But I also think, you know, even when you think you're good, and you're not attracting the frequency you feel you should be, it's what I've learned is that it's because you need to clear your plate.

Speaker: Sometimes, sometimes you're not even aware that your plates full, and it can't hold anything more on it.

Speaker: And so you get frustrated like I did.

Speaker: I was 35.

Speaker: I'm like, what is wrong with me?

Speaker: Why am I not finding love?

Speaker: I want it.

Speaker: I want it.

Speaker: I want it.

Speaker: But I had to do some work on myself and clear my plate emotionally to stuff that I didn't even know I was holding on to.

Speaker: I didn't know my emotional plate was full.

Speaker: So I truly believe once I did that work on myself and I was able to release a lot of stuff, um,

Speaker: I was freed of a lot of clutter and, and that, that enabled me to kind of like bring in the frequency that, or, or, or the, or the, you know, the attraction that I felt I deserved.

Speaker: And it happened instantly, to be honest.

Speaker: Yeah, no, you're absolutely right.

Speaker: I did a little bit of breath work back in the day of, you know, you kind of kind of over hyperventilate, but basically it's to be able to get some stuff out like somatically that's that's deep down in there.

Speaker: And I I've talked about it on this show before.

Speaker: I have just a wee bit of childhood trauma that I'm trying to get rid of.

Speaker: But you're absolutely right that if you're carrying some of that stuff around and you haven't

Speaker: actively done the work to release it.

Speaker: And there's a million different ways.

Speaker: I mean, there's so many ways that you can, but it's the awareness that you even have it, right?

Speaker: Because you could have very easily gotten stuck in, I'm 35.

Speaker: I haven't been married.

Speaker: I'd want to, and get, and let your vibration go lower, lower, lower, because you're so angry and frustrated.

Speaker: It hasn't happened for you.

Speaker: And I'm sure you saw all your girlfriends getting married and like, why not me?

Speaker: Right.

Speaker: There's

Speaker: And like, I'm from the Middle Eastern community.

Speaker: And like, if you're not married off by 21, there's something wrong with you, you know?

Speaker: And then like your parents, like, it's an everyday conversation.

Speaker: Like, did you meet someone?

Speaker: Did you meet someone?

Speaker: Are you going to this party?

Speaker: Why don't you go out with him?

Speaker: What was wrong with him?

Speaker: What was...

Speaker: Look at how your path opened up because you were like, okay, the awareness that if I'm going to meet someone who's worthy of me and the life that I want to have, I need to clear all this other stuff away, which you don't want to carry around anyway.

Speaker: No, you don't.

Speaker: When you think of it that way, I speak a lot about just feel good.

Speaker: Just feel happy for no reason.

Speaker: I can sit here and try to think of reasons to be happy, but if that's your...

Speaker: just state of normal, right?

Speaker: If your regular state is I'm just going to be happy just because I don't have to have a reason why.

Speaker: Sometimes you do have to clear out all that stuff underneath to be able to have that be your but to start here all that stuff out that takes work.

Speaker: And that's where that's where a lot of people just say, Yeah, I'm good.

Speaker: But if you do that work for yourself, it is the most gratifying thing you could do for yourself, for your life, for your people around you, because you

Speaker: you gotta, at some point, you gotta get deep and go within and ask yourself, what is it like to be in a relationship with you?

Speaker: Right?

Speaker: Yeah.

Speaker: And I'm, I'm talking about you as a daughter, you as a mother, you as an auntie, you as a sister, uh, uh, doesn't just mean like a romantic relationship, but it's, it's all of that.

Speaker: And, um, you know, the, the, the, this deep stuff and, and you gotta be,

Speaker: willing, wholeheartedly willing to want to self improve.

Speaker: That's the only way.

Speaker: And it, what I found is that it all comes down to gratitude.

Speaker: When I, when I'm lost, when I feel, when I start to feel like sad or down, or when I feel like, Oh my gosh, like even, even when I start to compare or I just feel like,

Speaker: Or anxiety.

Speaker: I'll take it to anxiety.

Speaker: Anything.

Speaker: Anything negative.

Speaker: I just kind of like snap myself out of this, remind myself, snap myself out of this and go back to gratitude.

Speaker: Because gratitude is my base.

Speaker: It's my home base.

Speaker: When you're in gratitude, there is no room for anything else.

Speaker: There just isn't.

Speaker: So I tell that to everyone.

Speaker: I just say, listen, there is no time for all this other clutter over here.

Speaker: Just go back to gratitude.

Speaker: And if that means like writing things you're grateful for every day, start with that.

Speaker: That's a great place to start.

Speaker: And believe me, you've got a lot of things to be grateful for.

Speaker: A lot.

Speaker: Oh my gosh.

Speaker: Especially where we live, where there is clean water and there's clean air.

Speaker: And I mean, you can start with the simplest things that you didn't create or bring in that...

Speaker: The universe just showed up for you in that way.

Speaker: Right.

Speaker: And then you can just start to spin it out to all the wonderful things that you have.

Speaker: And, and when something hard happens to you that you did not choose, and you remember that we are not in charge of the good or bad things that happened to us, right?

Speaker: Some things happen to us, but you're right.

Speaker: That gratitude, that little piece can always be there.

Speaker: And it always can, you can start to spiral it and go up.

Speaker: Also, um, what I've, uh, being in service, um, being in service takes, uh, takes you away from yourself.

Speaker: Um, when you're just too into yourself and you're just all in here in your mind and you think you're going to do this and you think you're going to do that.

Speaker: And, and, um, it just, what my experience is, um,

Speaker: It's just that get yourself, throw yourself in service.

Speaker: Cause once you throw yourself to others, you will not be thinking about yourself and yourself won't be the issue.

Speaker: You are going to be too busy being happy, being in service for others.

Speaker: That's something I've learned through, um, just, you know, having, having family members of, you know, NA, um, and, and watching their path and, and, and all

Speaker: you know, getting out of their own heads and having to be of service of other people and staying clean and things like that.

Speaker: So I've just had a lot of experience with that.

Speaker: And I can just tell you like how incredible that is.

Speaker: It's just to be of service and that'll just be so happy and grounded.

Speaker: Are there a couple just easy ways to be of service?

Speaker: Is it enough to be of service to your own family or do you need to get bigger?

Speaker: Absolutely.

Speaker: So it could be as easy as one of your family members going through a horrific time and that person just makes it a point that

Speaker: to, um, help you every day, a phone call.

Speaker: Um, they made a meal for you.

Speaker: They, they decided to take a shift at the hospital for you.

Speaker: They, you know, they, they have made you their service and like you matter and there's some importance there.

Speaker: Yeah.

Speaker: Yes.

Speaker: And, and it just makes it just, you can, when you're in service for someone, there is no way you cannot be happy.

Speaker: There's just no way.

Speaker: It's impossible.

Speaker: It's impossible.

Speaker: You know, what you, what you put out there, you get back.

Speaker: You, you, you know, what you give is what you get.

Speaker: The love you put out there is the love you get back.

Speaker: You get what you give.

Speaker: Absolutely.

Speaker: And it might not be in that exact way.

Speaker: It might not be.

Speaker: Another thing that I just have to, like, I, I flew to Chicago, my, my old family home.

Speaker: And I, I happened to work it in that I was there for my brother's birthday.

Speaker: So he was turning, I don't know, 41 or something.

Speaker: It's not like we're, you know.

Speaker: Seven.

Speaker: And it was a birthday was I showed up and I was like, let's do this.

Speaker: And I bought a little cake and we, you know, I showed up in that way.

Speaker: And you don't always get back.

Speaker: Oh, my gosh, that meant everything to me.

Speaker: But it meant everything to me.

Speaker: Yes.

Speaker: Right.

Speaker: Me as the sister showing up in that way.

Speaker: That had never happened to me.

Speaker: No one's ever done that for me before.

Speaker: And it didn't matter.

Speaker: And whether he gave me a huge thank you or whatever on the other side, doesn't matter.

Speaker: It was me showing up and just giving love.

Speaker: But like, again, that verb love, that like active love,

Speaker: Completely for free.

Speaker: Well, you're not doing it.

Speaker: You're not doing it for him.

Speaker: You're doing it for you, right?

Speaker: Otherwise, you would let other people dictate your happiness and how you feel.

Speaker: You would give out your power away.

Speaker: You're doing it because that makes you happy.

Speaker: You're doing it because you don't need a thank you back.

Speaker: You're doing it because you want to do it.

Speaker: Whether you thank you back or not, it's about you.

Speaker: And it goes back to forgiveness.

Speaker: When you forgive somebody, it's really for yourself.

Speaker: So you are released.

Speaker: It's not really releasing them or parting them.

Speaker: It's parting yourself.

Speaker: So you can get past this and move past this energy block.

Speaker: It's for yourself.

Speaker: That is so well said.

Speaker: And it's so well said, too, in terms of like, because I just got to throw this little snippet in there.

Speaker: Forgiveness is not saying what happened is okay.

Speaker: You are not saying that what happened to me that I didn't choose, that I didn't want is okay.

Speaker: However, I can release it because again, it's like, like clearing out that stuff.

Speaker: You're acknowledging it.

Speaker: You're acknowledging it and you're moving forward for yourself, for yourself.

Speaker: Because it will eat you alive.

Speaker: A hundred percent.

Speaker: Don't.

Speaker: A hundred percent.

Speaker: I just tell my kids all the time, like, look, if someone was mean to you, just, you know, kill them with kindness.

Speaker: Be nice.

Speaker: You know why?

Speaker: Because you're kind.

Speaker: Why are you going to change?

Speaker: Why are you going to allow them to change who you really are?

Speaker: Are you mean?

Speaker: No, you don't need to be mean back.

Speaker: You just stay nice because that's who you really are.

Speaker: A hundred percent.

Speaker: 100%.

Speaker: And I live that right now.

Speaker: There was a great extra Hicks quote that was, you love because you're a lover, not because they're lovable.

Speaker: Right.

Speaker: And that goes right into that.

Speaker: That's who I am.

Speaker: I love because I'm a lover period.

Speaker: Right.

Speaker: And I might not give it back from the same people that I'm loving, but it might come to me another way.

Speaker: And, and in the meantime, I get to feel happy.

Speaker: Absolutely.

Speaker: And you're not, you're not, you're not allowing others or any outside, you know,

Speaker: sources dictate who you should be or who you get.

Speaker: You know what I'm saying?

Speaker: Like you just, it's all it's, you have that power.

Speaker: It's not, no one has that power against you.

Speaker: So, you know, it's such a, I love this because, um, you know, you, you, I learned through a tragedy that you can't allow anything to define you.

Speaker: And that's just,

Speaker: I just won't allow it.

Speaker: I just, I just won't allow anything to define me.

Speaker: I won't be defined in this way, you know?

Speaker: Yeah.

Speaker: And I'd love to, to jump into that, but I, I also just have to touch on the fact that it is sexy as hell.

Speaker: There is no way that your partner wants you to be this wilting flower that isn't, right?

Speaker: It's actually the other side.

Speaker: When you step into your power and when you are taking care of you and when you are showing up as your best, like mama bear self, it is your partner's like, oh, absolutely.

Speaker: I'm in for this.

Speaker: You know, I mean, there are some that try to hold you down or whatever, but that's not,

Speaker: It's not sex.

Speaker: You don't want that.

Speaker: No.

Speaker: And, and, you know, you, you can't, you can't force a person to, to live a certain lifestyle and you can't, uh, you know, especially, you know, you're the person you're married to last, the last person they want to take a lecture from is their mate.

Speaker: So, um, I know that works best in my household is leading by example.

Speaker: So I'll just do me.

Speaker: And if you like what's going on over here, you'll jump on board.

Speaker: And it's always been that way with us.

Speaker: And sometimes we're not jumping on the same wagon together, but that's okay.

Speaker: The main thing is that we are both always wanting to self-improve and grow.

Speaker: That's the main thing.

Speaker: And I don't think I could be in a relationship where

Speaker: my partner is, isn't willing to go to therapy or take a, take a class or, you know, learn, grow open.

Speaker: I absolutely have a relationship with someone like that.

Speaker: Right.

Speaker: Cause we're never done.

Speaker: Yeah.

Speaker: I'm just so grateful that my partner grows with me.

Speaker: Yeah.

Speaker: And wants me to be my best self.

Speaker: And I want him or her, whatever, to be their best self.

Speaker: And then we can do this together.

Speaker: And then our kids get to watch us and have that mentoring of, check it out.

Speaker: Mom is awesome.

Speaker: And that gives me the permission to be as awesome as I'm going to be.

Speaker: They see that.

Speaker: They see everything.

Speaker: They watch everything.

Speaker: They're watching everything.

Speaker: And again, at that energetic frequency, they feel it.

Speaker: Mm-hmm.

Speaker: you know, kids can feel it even stronger than we do.

Speaker: They feel it.

Speaker: Like if you just had an argument with your mate or even with one of the other siblings and that little one walks in the room, they feel that energy in there.

Speaker: They know something just went down.

Speaker: Even if you have that fake smile on your face, even, even words, you know, we like lately it's been, um, words are powerful.

Speaker: Like, like words carry so much behind them.

Speaker: Like

Speaker: You have to be so careful about your words because they carry a lot.

Speaker: And it's even like talk about their own selves.

Speaker: Like we're trying our best in this household lately.

Speaker: That's where we're at is being mindful of your words and what you're saying.

Speaker: What are you putting out there?

Speaker: Yeah.

Speaker: So, you know, parenting is...

Speaker: It's one thing to just parent a kid, but it's another thing to truly raise one.

Speaker: Raise them right.

Speaker: And you just want to fill them up with everything you know.

Speaker: and you just pray to God that you're doing it right and that they're going to be all right.

Speaker: But when I think back to my childhood and I, and I, and I, uh, you know, I, then I look at my own kids, I'm like, my kids are going to be great.

Speaker: You know, I mean, you know, my, my, it was like a guessing game when my mom came to pick me up.

Speaker: Is she going to pick me up today?

Speaker: Is she going to pick me up on time?

Speaker: Who's going to pick me up today?

Speaker: Is it going to be, you know, her friend?

Speaker: Like who, it was a guessing game, you know?

Speaker: And,

Speaker: It's just a different...

Speaker: We just, we have learned so much as people.

Speaker: And I think there's a whole new twist of mindfulness that's going around.

Speaker: I think the fact that more people are willing to realize that mental health, which I love that mental fitness, like actually caring about how you're feeling mentally is important these days.

Speaker: Like there are some like big movements that are kind of coming across and the women empowerment that we get to have power.

Speaker: We just,

Speaker: choose to have power, we're showing up in our own power.

Speaker: And that power doesn't have to be like mean and pushing anyone else down, right?

Speaker: That feminine power, which I guess is kind of a masculine thing to feel powerful, but I can do it in my own feminine way.

Speaker: Well, motherhood is masculine, right?

Speaker: And you would think motherhood would be very feminine because you're a mother and you're doing all these motherly things.

Speaker: But actually, motherhood is very masculine because you're always in charge and you're like a drill sergeant.

Speaker: So it's actually quite masculine.

Speaker: So that's why when the husband comes home...

Speaker: And, and once some honey, you know, you're, you're not that, you're not that sweet because you've been, you know, you've been a drill sergeant all day long.

Speaker: Yeah.

Speaker: You've been, you've been running the ship.

Speaker: Right.

Speaker: So it's like a, it's like, you got it.

Speaker: It's like such a fine balance between femininity and your masculinity and,

Speaker: And that's another thing, you know, as women that we that we have on our on our shoulders and that we that we control.

Speaker: And, you know, it just it's hard to find that balance sometimes.

Speaker: But and that's when it goes back to that self care.

Speaker: I mean, something you said before, like having an overnight to yourself.

Speaker: That is magic.

Speaker: You get to feel yourself again.

Speaker: You get to come into your own body again.

Speaker: You get to feel however you're feeling with no one else's emotions or needs or whatever around.

Speaker: I used to do that when my kids were younger, when I was in crisis.

Speaker: So I waited too long and I would be in crisis and completely losing it.

Speaker: And then I would go for like two nights and

Speaker: And I wish I'd done it the other way around.

Speaker: I wish I had gone, you know, if I'm saying to anything to anyone coming up behind before, right.

Speaker: Not only plan it, but like when you feel even a twinge of like, Ooh, I need it.

Speaker: Take it, do it right.

Speaker: Jump in and, and you'll feel so much better.

Speaker: And then you don't have to completely lose yourself and lose everything.

Speaker: And I will say also that, um, yes, your kids are your everything.

Speaker: And, um,

Speaker: You know, they're your life, they're your universe.

Speaker: Absolutely.

Speaker: But I will say that the most important person in your life, if you're married, is your partner.

Speaker: Because if that is not right, then your home isn't right.

Speaker: Agreed.

Speaker: Um, you're, you're most important person besides yourself as your partner and then your kids.

Speaker: And I know that sounds so selfish, but, but I'm just talking structurally and, and a family household.

Speaker: That is the way because- Well, again, you're creating the energy in the home.

Speaker: If when that person walks in the room, you feel happy and you can still be you and you're in charge, that everyone feels it, right?

Speaker: Everybody feels it.

Speaker: And so if that isn't right and they walk in the room and everyone has to walk on eggshells now or mom's always grumpy until she gets her wine in her hand or right.

Speaker: There's so many like social norms that are so off.

Speaker: Yeah.

Speaker: And it sucks when the energy's off.

Speaker: It just sucks.

Speaker: It sucks to everybody.

Speaker: Yes.

Speaker: When mom's not happy, trust me, nobody's happy.

Speaker: You know, it's just the way the cookie crumbles and, um, yeah,

Speaker: So we're working on that.

Speaker: You know, our marriage is a work in progress.

Speaker: It is certainly not perfect.

Speaker: You come to my house.

Speaker: You're in my house every week.

Speaker: I mean, my household isn't perfect, but it's a work in progress.

Speaker: And these are all things that we are conscious of.

Speaker: Yes.

Speaker: And we are working on.

Speaker: And then, and you care about, like, you know what it should be and you're willing to put in the energy and the effort to make it as great as you can be.

Speaker: Right.

Speaker: It's never perfect, but you're, you know what you want it to be and you're willing to work towards it.

Speaker: And your partner obviously is well, and fiercely the word that you use, how he loves you and your family fiercely is so true.

Speaker: Fiercely.

Speaker: I'm so lucky.

Speaker: Yeah.

Speaker: You know, you are, you are, he's a great guy.

Speaker: Okay.

Speaker: So let's take a deep breath.

Speaker: And one of the things that,

Speaker: again, is amazing about you is how you navigated.

Speaker: And I'm in your community and love you so much, but I know that I'm obviously one, two, three steps outside, right?

Speaker: I'm not your family.

Speaker: I am not like one of your best friends.

Speaker: I'm just someone who gets to, you know, be a part of your life.

Speaker: But that community, spirituality, love thing is what brought you through that

Speaker: something that we as moms is the hardest thing you can go through.

Speaker: I'm sorry.

Speaker: It is the worst thing that can happen to you.

Speaker: And I love you so much for being open and willing to talk about it.

Speaker: So let me just start by thank you.

Speaker: Um, and I'm going to let you just jump into what happens.

Speaker: Okay.

Speaker: Let's just, can we start there?

Speaker: Yeah.

Speaker: Um,

Speaker: So my third son passed away on his third birthday and there was no warning.

Speaker: There was no sign of anything, but we feel that he somehow had a cardiac arrest and

Speaker: And it had something to do with his electrical wiring in his brain.

Speaker: And he just died just like that, just died.

Speaker: And if it weren't for my husband being next to him and trying to revive him for half an hour until paramedics came,

Speaker: He would have died right there, but they were able to get a heartbeat.

Speaker: And, um, and, and the days that unfolded, it was just, uh, just a scramble trying to figure out what was going on, what had happened.

Speaker: Cause it had happened when he was in the pool.

Speaker: So, um, it was, it was, it was just, it was so confusing and we're all in shock.

Speaker: And we were just, we had all the resources.

Speaker: We had paramedics.

Speaker: He had, he had CPR, um,

Speaker: But even with all these resources around him, hyperbaric chamber, ready to go, like best doctors, we knew so many people in the medical world that were just ready to help.

Speaker: It just didn't matter.

Speaker: All the money didn't matter.

Speaker: It was just he died.

Speaker: Yeah.

Speaker: His trachea had spasm.

Speaker: We didn't know that until they had actually brought him in the hospital.

Speaker: So all that CPR wasn't even working because his trachea had spasm.

Speaker: So it just didn't, what I'm trying to say is that it didn't even matter what we did.

Speaker: And in a time, in a situation like that, it's so dark and

Speaker: And you just have to look for the silver lining because it's so dark.

Speaker: So you, for me, I had to pull light into this situation.

Speaker: And I, there were, for me, I just saw so many miracles, um, during that time.

Speaker: Um, like he could have died right there.

Speaker: And I wouldn't have had seven days to kind of prepare myself for, you know,

Speaker: be with him.

Speaker: Yeah.

Speaker: Yeah.

Speaker: Yeah.

Speaker: Um, and that speaks to your community.

Speaker: I'm going to give you a second.

Speaker: It speaks to your community.

Speaker: Uh, me and one of our other teachers there, Amy, were able to come and, and be with you guys a little bit and, and hug him.

Speaker: Cause he was our love too.

Speaker: You know, he was in our classrooms and teachers love him.

Speaker: So much too.

Speaker: And your family got to come in and you're right.

Speaker: There was something, there was someone watching you that week.

Speaker: There was no doubt about it.

Speaker: I mean, the doctors and the nurses that you had and the fact that, that it was okay for him to stay till his birthday.

Speaker: Yes.

Speaker: Yes.

Speaker: They, they wanted, they didn't want him going and they, they took care of him the best they could until we were ready.

Speaker: And they even said like, this is Emilio's room and he's got it until you're ready.

Speaker: And, um, and so his birthday was seven days later.

Speaker: And, you know, we just decided it would be a good day, um, to let him go.

Speaker: And, um,

Speaker: We were just surrounded by so many people, so many people.

Speaker: And I got gifts from people I never even met before that heard about my story.

Speaker: I mean, his story went viral because it was such a shock.

Speaker: This story just shocked a lot of parents.

Speaker: It scared a lot of parents because there was just no signs of anything.

Speaker: It just happened.

Speaker: So I know a lot of mothers hug their kids a little tighter that night.

Speaker: And, um, and you know, us coming from a spiritual background, it didn't make sense to us, you know, cause we're like, what is this karma?

Speaker: What, what is going, why is this happening to us?

Speaker: You know, we're good people.

Speaker: Like we've never harmed anybody.

Speaker: Like what is going on?

Speaker: And, um, but there was, there was so many miracles that happened, um,

Speaker: during that week and weeks after, and, um, I've, I've never experienced so much love from our community.

Speaker: Um, I think that that love really held my husband and I together.

Speaker: I mean, we, I mean, my, my small little village, my little crew of best friends, they had a plan B for us.

Speaker: They were like, you know, if, if Anthony and I were going to crumble and this was going to be the end of our marriage, let's say,

Speaker: They had a plan B for us.

Speaker: They weren't going to allow that to happen.

Speaker: So I just felt everywhere we were, there was a cushion for us.

Speaker: People had us.

Speaker: And, you know, it was such a scary time because you don't know if you're going to live in that house.

Speaker: You don't know if your kids are going to be okay.

Speaker: You don't know if your husband's going to be okay.

Speaker: And I just knew that I had to fight myself.

Speaker: Now that now this was a survival game here.

Speaker: This was like, you're going to put on that armor now and you are going to fight for your life and you're going to fight for your family because this could be the end right now for all of you.

Speaker: It could be the end.

Speaker: So, and you were not going to let that happen.

Speaker: And you are so strong and, uh, yeah, no, I was not.

Speaker: This was not, we just, this was, we just started out on our marriage.

Speaker: I mean, this was, and you know, this was a happy home and we're happy people and you know, we're, we're positive and we're fun.

Speaker: And you know, this, this, this, what the fuck happened?

Speaker: I'm sorry.

Speaker: I,

Speaker: It's okay.

Speaker: Totally.

Speaker: Yeah.

Speaker: So we just, I just said, this is not how we're going down here.

Speaker: We're not going down.

Speaker: This is not taking us down.

Speaker: I refuse, you know, like we're going to dance again and we're going to laugh again and our kids are going to have a great life.

Speaker: And, and you and I, you know, I was talking to my husband, you and I are going to continue.

Speaker: We're going to have a great, we're going to, we're going to get over this.

Speaker: Yeah.

Speaker: And so it was a, it was a fight every day for our joy, for our happiness.

Speaker: Um, and I, I owe it a lot to our, our, our community of people that held us together.

Speaker: I owe a lot to our, our transformational world that, that we've done a lot of work in because that gave us the tools to, you know, just, just accept your journey.

Speaker: right?

Speaker: This was my journey.

Speaker: This was my path.

Speaker: And I didn't want it to be, but it is.

Speaker: And I, and until I accept it, there's just no way I'm going to move forward with it.

Speaker: So, you know, we, I just had to find light.

Speaker: I had just had to find light from wherever I could and, and just know that

Speaker: know that this, I wasn't, this wasn't God being angry at me or, or like, this wasn't some karma.

Speaker: This wasn't this, this, we didn't, this wasn't like payback for anything.

Speaker: So I actually became more faithful than I ever had been before in my life.

Speaker: And that was, that was the thing that really surprised me.

Speaker: I didn't, I didn't know I could be more

Speaker: faithful, um, to like my, my spirituality or like to, to God and to the spirit world.

Speaker: I mean, I just didn't know that I could, I could take more of that in, but.

Speaker: Cause you already had it.

Speaker: Yeah, absolutely.

Speaker: It was already who you are.

Speaker: So to have it even be strengthened through tragedy instead of going the other way.

Speaker: I mean, there's a forgiveness piece there to forgive, um,

Speaker: God or the powers that be for taking your son.

Speaker: Yeah.

Speaker: But the way it all went down,

Speaker: I chose all those little snippets of that day and that time.

Speaker: I chose to put all that together and, like I said, look at the miracles of that situation.

Speaker: And there's no doubt there was a higher calling here.

Speaker: There was a higher purpose.

Speaker: There was something bigger than all of us that was happening, and there was no denying it.

Speaker: And that's what made me more faithful in my beliefs, because I honestly felt that, that energy, like it was beyond us.

Speaker: Like everything that happened that day was just, it was out of our control, out of our control.

Speaker: It was just my son's path.

Speaker: And, you know, he chose, he chose us as his parents coming into this world.

Speaker: You know, he came into this world to fulfill something.

Speaker: Yeah.

Speaker: And, um, I can only imagine that it must've been love to, to experience love.

Speaker: Um, because I mean, as a child, what else are you going to experience?

Speaker: You know?

Speaker: So, um, yeah.

Speaker: And he is so loved.

Speaker: I mean, I'm not even going to use the word was he is so loved.

Speaker: You know, he's still a part of our family.

Speaker: You know, he's in our, he's in our prayers every night.

Speaker: We celebrate his birthday every year.

Speaker: Um, there's pictures of them everywhere.

Speaker: The conversations between my other children and us, um, that, that, that is always evolving as long as they get older and their brains can understand and can hold more.

Speaker: They understand it differently.

Speaker: And so it's all, it's a constant conversation.

Speaker: And also, you know, anytime anyone asks me, how many kids do you have?

Speaker: Right.

Speaker: I mean, I always say four, um,

Speaker: And that opens up, sometimes that opens up that door.

Speaker: Sometimes it doesn't, but it's just something, it's going to be with me forever.

Speaker: Yeah, it is.

Speaker: It is.

Speaker: And in the best way.

Speaker: I mean, because you do have so much love for him.

Speaker: So why,

Speaker: why would it not stay with you always?

Speaker: You know, it's, that's an active thing there too.

Speaker: Well, I have to look at it like, um, an honoring, right?

Speaker: Like, like for me, okay.

Speaker: So he chose me to be his, his mom for those three years.

Speaker: And let me just honor, like, I can only be so honored that he chose me to be his mom for the, obviously he chose me for a reason.

Speaker: And I'm, and I'm just,

Speaker: you know, I thank him for coming into my life for those three years.

Speaker: I thank him because those were the most amazing three years that I had.

Speaker: He was such an exceptional little boy, you know?

Speaker: So I, yeah, I remember the first time we danced and,

Speaker: And it wasn't that long after, you know, his funeral and it was on accident.

Speaker: We, we were, um, supporting our friends and there was music, there was a band and, um,

Speaker: And we both got up and we were both like in the middle of this dance floor.

Speaker: It wasn't like we were like, you know, freak dancing.

Speaker: No, I know.

Speaker: We were just, you know, kind of swaying.

Speaker: And our friends looked at us and we looked at them and they smiled and they came to us and they circled us and they said, please dance, you know, please, please dance.

Speaker: And that just kind of gave us...

Speaker: that it just, they, they, they made it okay for us to dance, you know, and, and not permission to enjoy joy.

Speaker: Yeah.

Speaker: And that was huge.

Speaker: That is so huge and moving on with your life.

Speaker: Like give that person permission to feel joy again because they're fighting for their lives.

Speaker: Yes.

Speaker: Yeah.

Speaker: They truly are.

Speaker: They're fighting for their lives right now.

Speaker: So, I mean, there's so many things, Alana.

Speaker: There's so many things.

Speaker: Oh, there's so many things.

Speaker: And you speak to such a valid point, which is you do have to feel the feelings, right?

Speaker: I love, and I know, and I am so with you about there is always a silver lining and there is a time that you can get to, you know, I like to call it radical acceptance because you do.

Speaker: Like, I don't accept that this is happening to me, but I will choose some radical acceptance because when you get to there, there is some peace.

Speaker: And thank goodness, because you are, you're fighting.

Speaker: And so you need to like slow it down a little bit, but you do have to allow yourself to feel that.

Speaker: What's coming in and it's, it's scary.

Speaker: Like, even when we talked to you before of, of dealing with your demons, we don't know, whatever you want to call them so that you can feel joy again.

Speaker: Like you had to go through this to be able to have the space to have joy again.

Speaker: Right.

Speaker: And so you do have to feel it.

Speaker: But how did you let it not, like, how did you keep that fight going?

Speaker: I know it's part of who you are, and I love that about you.

Speaker: But when you have these, whether it's a divorce or a death or whatever it is, and it is so overwhelming, how do you let yourself feel it, but not let it drown you?

Speaker: So that feeling, that darkness, oh, I mean, I lived with it.

Speaker: I lived with it for days, for months, right?

Speaker: That initial horrible, like you can't even breathe darkness.

Speaker: You can't breathe.

Speaker: You cannot breathe.

Speaker: And, but you have your family and, and, and, you know, you're it's, it's like, you're, you got to sink or swim here, you know, it's sink or swim.

Speaker: you have to, in a time where you are out of control, like you have no control of anything because you actually feel like the God's plan happening, right?

Speaker: You feel God's plan happening.

Speaker: Just put on that seatbelt because you, you realize you are not in control of anything now.

Speaker: So what can you be in control of?

Speaker: All right, let me take control.

Speaker: Let me try to take, take control of myself a little bit, right?

Speaker: In this, in this situation.

Speaker: And so,

Speaker: There's a lot of power in choice.

Speaker: So the choice that I'm talking about is accepting my journey, accepting the fact that this didn't happen to me, it happened for me, that my son chose me.

Speaker: This wasn't a mistake.

Speaker: Um, and, and, uh, with all our resources and in any other circumstance he would have lived, but he didn't like, like this was, he, he, it was his time to go and, and understanding, you know, understanding that, that, that, that was a, it was something high.

Speaker: It was, it was just high.

Speaker: It was bigger than me.

Speaker: Um, all these things combined.

Speaker: And then, you know, my community too, and the love that we got from them and my husband also being a fighter, I, I,

Speaker: you know, there's, there's that power in your choice.

Speaker: And like, this is not going to define me.

Speaker: I'm going to make it, I'm going to move forward.

Speaker: And, and my family's going to, my family's going to live a great life because that's what we're going to do.

Speaker: We're going to get up.

Speaker: I choose that.

Speaker: And I will fight for that.

Speaker: That's yeah.

Speaker: That's basically what it was.

Speaker: And I, we didn't take,

Speaker: We didn't take pills.

Speaker: We didn't take, we didn't, we didn't start drinking.

Speaker: You know, we, I mean, I think for the first couple of weeks we did, but it wasn't, it wasn't, we didn't lose ourselves in this, in this process.

Speaker: Thank God.

Speaker: Thank God.

Speaker: Yeah.

Speaker: Well, you, it sounds like you had such a clear, what the ending was, you know, when, when we get through this, not will we get through this, but when we get through this, this is what my life is going to look like, right?

Speaker: My boys are going to have a joyful life.

Speaker: Their life doesn't have to end just because this happened.

Speaker: How old were they when it happened?

Speaker: They were four and five.

Speaker: Yeah.

Speaker: They were just four and five years old.

Speaker: And, you know, and the nurse telling them that this was

Speaker: what was going to happen to their brother.

Speaker: That was, I mean, that was,

Speaker: So devastating.

Speaker: And then, and then, you know, the ride back from the hospital without him the last day knowing like, that's, that's it.

Speaker: But, you know, there's, there's something beautiful too, that this was a, this was a soul that, that I birthed.

Speaker: I was, you know, there when he, and he was in my arms when he, when he came out of me and when he passed away, he was in my arms again.

Speaker: And I just thought that that was so beautiful.

Speaker: Like I'm, I am, I am saying like, I am letting the soul go.

Speaker: It's, it's in my arms.

Speaker: And, um, yeah, that just like, it's, it's a, it's a, it's a fight and there, you know, and there was therapy.

Speaker: Um, there was a lot of therapy and, um,

Speaker: And even to this day, you know, it's affected one of my kids more than the other, you know?

Speaker: I mean, one of my kids has mild anxiety because of it.

Speaker: And, you know, he goes through in and out of therapy sometimes just for good mental health.

Speaker: But the PTSD is something that will never go away.

Speaker: It is something that I'll always, what we as a family will always have.

Speaker: Yeah.

Speaker: Um, but we, we, we work through it and that's the thing you had got to work through it.

Speaker: That's how to get through the other side.

Speaker: And, and we didn't sell our home.

Speaker: Our home is actually a really happy place.

Speaker: We've had tons of occasions since then.

Speaker: Um, I think after it happened, I had all my cousins jump in the pool.

Speaker: So yeah.

Speaker: And so, and, and that kind of, and I was just waiting for my husband to jump in the pool because I know he was traumatized.

Speaker: Um,

Speaker: Um, and, and for my kids to jump in the pool, like just a few days after that, it was really important.

Speaker: So I feel like we, we jumped right on in, like there was, I, it was like crisis mode, you know, right ASAP, like, like, you know, and that's how it was.

Speaker: Otherwise it was just too dark.

Speaker: Right.

Speaker: Right.

Speaker: And you let yourself cry and you have those moments and you don't have a choice.

Speaker: Like it's going to overwhelm you.

Speaker: But then you were so again, powerful.

Speaker: I'm sorry, but you are that you could be like, okay, I cried.

Speaker: Yup.

Speaker: This is happening.

Speaker: And now what's next.

Speaker: And now where do I need to go?

Speaker: You know, and, and you guys were so open in terms of letting the boys talk it through.

Speaker: and not having it, like having you and Anthony not be so fragile that they couldn't come to you with anything they needed to talk about.

Speaker: Like, let me give you an example that I don't even know if you know about.

Speaker: So right after that, I was in the classroom with Mateo every day and I was the one putting him down for his nap at four years old.

Speaker: They still, you know, we had the lay down time at school and he looked up and he's like, you know, Miss Alana,

Speaker: I don't understand.

Speaker: And I was like, what, what don't you understand?

Speaker: I was gonna make me cry.

Speaker: I don't, what don't you understand?

Speaker: He's like, don't they know?

Speaker: How was everyone around me happy?

Speaker: Like they go and they're playing in the playground and they're, and don't they know that my brother just died last week?

Speaker: Like he didn't understand how his feelings, and he's a sensitive one too.

Speaker: We share that, right?

Speaker: That,

Speaker: how can the world keep turning?

Speaker: How did this, it stopped my world a little bit.

Speaker: How are there other people that are just waking up in the morning and it's, their life is just normal and going on.

Speaker: And so I told Anthony that when he picked and he's like, you know what?

Speaker: I feel the same way.

Speaker: The same way.

Speaker: And the fact that Mateo could verbalize it.

Speaker: And then we had a little conversation, the three of us, you know, because Anthony is so good.

Speaker: He just turned right to him.

Speaker: He's like, I feel the same way.

Speaker: And the fact that they, again, they could come to you.

Speaker: They didn't feel like you were so fragile because you as the mom were dealing with this, that they couldn't say whatever they needed to say.

Speaker: Never, ever, ever.

Speaker: They always, to this day, like, I mean, it is an ongoing conversation and it has never been a taboo.

Speaker: It has never been like, we don't speak of him.

Speaker: Like it has been, let's speak of him.

Speaker: Let's talk about him.

Speaker: Let's celebrate him.

Speaker: There's this picture.

Speaker: I mean, we have tons of pictures of him in the house.

Speaker: He is a part of us forever.

Speaker: And yes, I'm so glad you brought that up because I remember we went to Ojai and

Speaker: for just two nights with the family, we thought it would be a good nature place to go and just kind of get away for a little bit.

Speaker: And it was the hardest thing, actually.

Speaker: I wish we hadn't had gone because...

Speaker: It was just tons of families, happy families with all their kids running around and making s'mores.

Speaker: And yes, it's beautiful, but we were devastated.

Speaker: At that time, like you said, life has stopped for us.

Speaker: And that's what happens with tragedy.

Speaker: When you lose somebody,

Speaker: Time stops and you are in this capsule because your body and your mind is stuck and everyone else around you is moving on.

Speaker: Life is moving.

Speaker: Lights are shutting on, turning on, cars are starting, work, music, concerts are still happening.

Speaker: I mean, like parties are still happening.

Speaker: Lunches are still happening.

Speaker: Like life has not stopped.

Speaker: But you have stopped and mentally your body, your mind, like everything has shut down and you feel so isolated and you feel so alone and it's so dark and it's so lonely.

Speaker: And it was, it was actually, it was, you know, it's, it's just the worst.

Speaker: It's the worst thing that a human being can go through.

Speaker: But, but you guys did it so beautifully.

Speaker: And, and, you know, to even have that moment where you're in Ohio and you're like, Ooh, that was a mistake.

Speaker: And you can speak to it, you know, and then, and just the four of you came in closer.

Speaker: Right.

Speaker: And I feel like that's such an important thing to do anytime a kid is having a problem.

Speaker: But sometimes for moms, too, if I'm having a rough day and I'm like, hey, buddy, come here.

Speaker: Mom needs a hug.

Speaker: You know, it can just and then they can feel that little bit of power.

Speaker: We're just coming closer because you're right.

Speaker: It is so lonely and all those feelings are so lonely.

Speaker: not just valid, but like overwhelming overwhelming over that if you can, you know, cause I don't know the statistics of, of parents that have stayed or can stay together.

Speaker: You guys are the absolute, you know, blue star, whatever.

Speaker: The fact that not only have you stayed together, but you guys are close and everything's normal family life, normal marriage in and out, but, but you made it, you know, can you speak to some of the therapies that did work for you guys, not just as a couple, but as a family?

Speaker: Like, I love how you just were like, let's try them all and see what works.

Speaker: What would you, what advice would you give?

Speaker: You,

Speaker: You have to understand that this is your path and accept this is your path.

Speaker: I think acceptance is the big one here.

Speaker: Because until you accept that this is your life and that this happened to you, you're not going to move forward, period.

Speaker: So acceptance is huge.

Speaker: You don't have to understand it.

Speaker: I don't understand it still.

Speaker: I just, all I know is that this was my son's journey.

Speaker: This was his path.

Speaker: That's all I know.

Speaker: I don't understand it, but that's, but that's, those are the facts.

Speaker: Um, right.

Speaker: So accepting that this happened to us is the, is, is number one.

Speaker: Um, number two, like I said, um,

Speaker: Take power in choice.

Speaker: Everything is a choice.

Speaker: You can choose to get up.

Speaker: You can choose to not take any pills.

Speaker: You can choose to be grateful for what you do have.

Speaker: And that is where you need to start.

Speaker: That's why gratitude for me is my home base, like I said before, because that saved my life, that being grateful for what I did have.

Speaker: Because now you're so elevated.

Speaker: You're so heightened on everything around you because your anxiety level, you're just...

Speaker: you know that something bad can happen because it happened to you.

Speaker: So you're just... Yeah, I think about that, like the day before this happened or even like the week before and the things that you were worried about, right?

Speaker: Or that were like...

Speaker: obviously meant nothing, right?

Speaker: And that whole concept, like sometimes anxiety can be good.

Speaker: It just means that you're alert of something could happen in the future.

Speaker: And so anxiety, you know, we give it kind of a bad rap, but it actually can be powerful if you're like, yeah, it could go that way, but it could maybe go the other way, right?

Speaker: Like you're still in it, you're still doing it, it doesn't stop you.

Speaker: But what you were worried about and thinking about the days before or even that morning,

Speaker: Are you kidding me?

Speaker: That stuff didn't matter at all.

Speaker: I had no idea, right?

Speaker: So like choosing happy, choosing gratitude every day because you don't know what's happening.

Speaker: We don't have control.

Speaker: The only thing we do have control over is our energy, is our frequency, is the love we're putting out.

Speaker: That's it.

Speaker: And also, you know, try, trying not to sweat the small stuff because at the end of the day, there's just, it just doesn't matter.

Speaker: There's just something bigger happening that we're all a part of.

Speaker: And the small stuff just doesn't matter.

Speaker: It's not what's important here.

Speaker: You know, your, your health, your family, that's all that's it.

Speaker: That's it.

Speaker: Yeah.

Speaker: Were there any therapies that you felt worked better than others like EMDR or like family?

Speaker: I think you, I mean, I'm sure you guys did a little bit of everything, but what was good?

Speaker: Yeah.

Speaker: EMDR.

Speaker: We did that a few times.

Speaker: That was crucial for us because it allowed, you know, there were certain images that were so painful and,

Speaker: that anytime we, any, you know, these images like went over our minds constantly and, you know, images of my son in the bed, my last viewing, like the, you know, there was this, or, or, you know, there's something that a lot of people don't know, but like, um, when I realized my, this, there was, my son wasn't coming back to us was pretty much like, I think the first or second night he was in the hospital and he, he was starting to have seizures every four minutes.

Speaker: And I'm like, this is not normal.

Speaker: Like this is not, this is, this is something to do with his heart and brain.

Speaker: There's a cross wiring here.

Speaker: So we, you know, like I said, there was a lot of things were unfolding in these seven days and trying to figure out what had happened.

Speaker: But I'm bringing that up because that vision of him going into seizures every four minutes, you know, with his eyeballs going back.

Speaker: I mean, the whole thing.

Speaker: Right.

Speaker: I was that, that, that paralyzed me and that went on for five hours.

Speaker: Um, and so that, that happened at like midnight and, and it went on till five in the morning and I couldn't handle it.

Speaker: So EMDR treatment for me, um,

Speaker: now when I think, when I think of that image, it just, it, it, it's like, uh, even when I'm trying to think of it now, it won't even let me because it's like, it's exactly what they say.

Speaker: It's, it's like, you're in a train and you're going fast and you just see this landscape just whiz past you in the, in the window.

Speaker: And that's what it is for me.

Speaker: These images just like, they're like, they're just, they just keep going.

Speaker: And for Anthony, it was the, um,

Speaker: you know, the CPR session and then the ambulance, like to this day, here's ambulance.

Speaker: He, you know, he trembles a little bit, but you know, so EMDR treatments, I highly, highly, highly recommend.

Speaker: to get rid of images that are stuck with you so that they don't kill you every time you think about them because you think about them.

Speaker: And, you know, it's just a way to have your brain absorb and digest trauma because sometimes when the trauma is too great,

Speaker: your brain can't, uh, doesn't know where to store it.

Speaker: So it's floating around in your brain.

Speaker: And every time you think of it, it cuts like a knife just as bad as the first time.

Speaker: Right.

Speaker: That's the importance of, um, EMDR treatments and also grief counseling.

Speaker: Um, I don't recommend groups.

Speaker: I don't recommend like these

Speaker: you know, I don't want to put any group down, but I would just say that, um, to each his own.

Speaker: And for sure, when you are a family that is doing your best to fight for your life and you know, you're in the light and you want light and you want to absorb light.

Speaker: Sometimes those groups aren't, aren't the best place because you just, not everyone's on your frequency.

Speaker: So I think individualized counseling for grief is mandatory, mandatory work.

Speaker: And it could be once to two times a week for months, you know, until your family is somewhat normal and has a healthy grasp of the situation because you're going to be in shock.

Speaker: Did you do it like you alone, Anthony alone, couples and family?

Speaker: Yes, all of it.

Speaker: All of it, right?

Speaker: All of it.

Speaker: We did, we did a couple, we did me and Anthony first and then, um, and then we did separate and then we did it together, whatever we needed.

Speaker: And, and then we did our children, um, uh, as a family and separate.

Speaker: Yeah.

Speaker: And they did, uh, what really helped for kids was a grief book.

Speaker: Like they had to, they had to like, uh, actually color in.

Speaker: And every day was an activity of the person that died.

Speaker: Like it was like what they meant to you and what's their hair color?

Speaker: What's their voice like?

Speaker: What was your favorite thing to do with that person?

Speaker: And how do you feel today?

Speaker: And it's such a great activity book for grief.

Speaker: And it's interactive.

Speaker: It's something that they can, they still have and they could, you know, look through if they wanted to.

Speaker: But that really helped them a lot.

Speaker: But it also starts with home.

Speaker: Like, how's your home?

Speaker: You know, how is your home?

Speaker: What's your home like?

Speaker: Is your home open?

Speaker: Is your, is, you know, is every picture ripped up, taken away, hidden?

Speaker: Or, or are you celebrating his life?

Speaker: Are you angry at God?

Speaker: Like, what's your home like?

Speaker: So that has a lot to do with the, the health of your family and how you're moving forward.

Speaker: Um,

Speaker: And again, that they can come to you and say, you know, I feel really sad right now.

Speaker: And you're like, Oh, not right now.

Speaker: Cause you were feeling better at that moment.

Speaker: Right.

Speaker: You got to put your own feelings aside when they need to talk about it.

Speaker: That's the thing about grief.

Speaker: That's the thing about grief.

Speaker: It's solitary.

Speaker: No, one's going to be grieving the same way you are.

Speaker: Yeah.

Speaker: And, um, yeah,

Speaker: And Anthony and I, you know, we knew that going in, but we also struggled with it as well, because you're also so protective of your partner that you're trying to keep from him any extra pain or whatever.

Speaker: So then your journey is actually too separate, and it's dividing you.

Speaker: And when all the while you're trying not for that to happen.

Speaker: And so...

Speaker: Um, yes, grief is a solitary journey, but you don't have to do it alone.

Speaker: Yeah.

Speaker: You got to think about that.

Speaker: Like it's a solitary journey, but you don't have to do it alone.

Speaker: You can allow your partner to know that you are hurting.

Speaker: It's okay.

Speaker: They need to know.

Speaker: They need to know.

Speaker: Cause if they don't, you are actually doing worse by that.

Speaker: Agreed.

Speaker: Yeah.

Speaker: And also having the space for each other.

Speaker: Like, I love how you guys are so respectful of each other and where nobody gets to be more in grief.

Speaker: You know what I mean?

Speaker: There's a balance there.

Speaker: Like if he's having a rough day and he's in anger, right?

Speaker: Like I am angry that this happened and you're like, okay, well I'm kind of over anger, like because

Speaker: That doesn't feel right to me, but to have the space to let him, that's where he is right now.

Speaker: I will love you right there.

Speaker: That's not where I am and that's okay.

Speaker: Right.

Speaker: You got to have that give and take where you can say where you are and it will be received.

Speaker: Absolutely.

Speaker: And, and also, um, you know, you become very protective over, over, you know, your, your, your family.

Speaker: Um, I, I, I had anxiety, like when Anthony would leave for work,

Speaker: Like I, I just, I was, I wanted, you know, I, I, I was just very protective over, you know, how someone would treat him.

Speaker: Someone would treat my kids.

Speaker: Like you just become like this mama bear.

Speaker: That's like, like ready with claws out, you know?

Speaker: And, and, uh, just, um, I think, I think that, um, you said something just before that I wanted to touch on, uh,

Speaker: I lost it.

Speaker: Well, I was saying that you let each other have where you are.

Speaker: Yeah.

Speaker: It'll come to me.

Speaker: That's okay.

Speaker: Can we touch on boundaries then?

Speaker: Because that was something you did really well too.

Speaker: So when you think of the other one, let me know.

Speaker: But you are great with boundaries in terms of

Speaker: Cause you are protective of your family and you don't want anyone to get in there.

Speaker: But even like, and I hate to go back to it, but we are talking about it's all out there.

Speaker: But like, even at the funeral, you were brilliant in being like, nobody hug me.

Speaker: I can't not right now.

Speaker: Right.

Speaker: There'll be time for hugs later.

Speaker: And I'm sure in terms of like, I know that I wanted, there was this like, I don't know, ancestral thing in me.

Speaker: I wanted to come over and like wash your feet and like rub your

Speaker: back and just like, Oh, like, honestly, that was everything coming out of me because I woke up the days just after and would have that half a minute where I forgot what had happened.

Speaker: And then you remember, and I was like, Oh, and I bet that happens to her too, where she wakes up and like, Oh, everything's great.

Speaker: And then you remember, and then you're like, and I

Speaker: Honestly, it was from this like cave woman place where I was like, I just, so I know that if I had that feeling that there were so many people that wanted to be there and you need to have some healthy boundaries of what's okay.

Speaker: I felt so bad.

Speaker: Telling people like, please let me just bury my son.

Speaker: I can't hug any.

Speaker: Because I knew if everyone was going to come up to me and hug me, I wouldn't be able to do.

Speaker: I would just be a crying mess.

Speaker: And I just had one goal and that was to bury my son.

Speaker: Which, ugh.

Speaker: Yeah.

Speaker: And, and I didn't know how I was going to do it, but I just knew, like, I just needed to concentrate on that.

Speaker: No one touched me right now, you know, and I felt so bad saying that, but.

Speaker: No, you did it in such a beautiful way too.

Speaker: You were like, listen, I love you all.

Speaker: There will be time for that.

Speaker: And setting up that healthy boundary made it so that you could do the one thing that you needed to do.

Speaker: And what triggered that was people over my house, right.

Speaker: Every night, um, you know, uh, coming up to the wedding and months after, but

Speaker: People come in my house and like, everyone, you know, like, you know, kissing me on both cheeks and, you know, coming and going and I was tired.

Speaker: And like, I love you to pieces, but I just I don't want to kiss anyone right now.

Speaker: I don't want even anyone to touch me right now.

Speaker: Don't touch me.

Speaker: Like I am just, I am, I, my energy right now and the state of mind that I'm in right now, like, like, yes, I just, I'm, I'm, I'm boiling.

Speaker: I'm a boiling pot right now.

Speaker: So yes, my heart is open and I, I, I, I need all this love, but, but I can't handle like the formal kissing and coming and going.

Speaker: I just, it's just like, let's just stop that right now.

Speaker: And that's what made me think of the funeral.

Speaker: And that's when I said to Anthony, I said, listen, we're going to fall apart if this is how it's going to be.

Speaker: And I know that there were so many people that I looked at in the funeral and all I could see was them wanting to hug me and I wanted their hugs too, but I just had to focus and do what I had to do.

Speaker: And now I remember what I was going to say is that, you know, something like this, losing your child is so unnatural and

Speaker: that all the rules go out the window.

Speaker: All the rules go out the window.

Speaker: How you're going to get yourself back together, your religious beliefs, your religious ceremonies when someone passes away, all that goes out the window because what has just happened is so unnatural that you just got to do what you can to wake up and get out of bed.

Speaker: That's what you got to do.

Speaker: Forget, forget the religious ceremony, forget, forget tradition, throw that out the window, wear hot pink.

Speaker: If you have to wear hot pink, I don't care what you do.

Speaker: Just do whatever you got to do.

Speaker: That's healthy to get you to the next step.

Speaker: That's what I want to say.

Speaker: And, and I remember music being played like three days after the funeral.

Speaker: Um, it was like, there was like house music, um,

Speaker: being played in my backyard and we're all in the backyard.

Speaker: And, you know, there was a fire and bonfire and, um, you know, Anthony's friends were over, my friends were over family and all that.

Speaker: And there was family every night for months, friends for months.

Speaker: And I remember I was crying and I'm like, wait, is that, is that music?

Speaker: And they're like, yeah, is that okay?

Speaker: And, um,

Speaker: I go, yeah, yeah, I guess it's okay.

Speaker: Yeah, you know, there's music.

Speaker: Okay.

Speaker: You know, and then I heard Anthony laugh.

Speaker: And I'm like, is that Anthony?

Speaker: Is that, is he laughing?

Speaker: And they're like, yeah, Anthony's laughing.

Speaker: I'm like, oh, I'm so, I'm just so happy he's laughing right now.

Speaker: And it was just these unexpected moments that you wouldn't expect during a time like this, but they, thank God they did happen.

Speaker: And so, yes, there was laughter in my home.

Speaker: And actually there was laughter.

Speaker: There was a lot of laughter in my home because all people did was

Speaker: hang out and tell stories and be with us.

Speaker: And they turn it around for us.

Speaker: And I remember having a few episodes of like, I couldn't breathe.

Speaker: And like, everyone thought I was okay.

Speaker: And then all of a sudden, I'm like, what happened?

Speaker: What happened?

Speaker: What happened to us?

Speaker: And I would freak out.

Speaker: And they would call for Anthony all the time.

Speaker: Anytime I was with someone and I started freaking out, they would call for Anthony because they would panic because people don't know what to do.

Speaker: People don't know how to handle you.

Speaker: And I remember the three words that Anthony would tell me that would make me settle down.

Speaker: You ready?

Speaker: I got you.

Speaker: Yes.

Speaker: That's it.

Speaker: That's all he said to me.

Speaker: He came, they got him.

Speaker: He came running to me.

Speaker: He, he, he hugged me.

Speaker: He looked at me and he said, I got you.

Speaker: And, and I was okay.

Speaker: Okay.

Speaker: And that has been our thing ever since.

Speaker: Like, like whenever one of us is panicking, it's like those three words, like I got you just to know that you're not because you don't feel safe anymore.

Speaker: So just to know that someone's got you and that you're safe, like that means everything.

Speaker: And again, to just have that permission to, you know, it's just hard, it's wild.

Speaker: Like just right now, anything goes like, like you just lost a child, you know, like, like, no, but there's permissions to be on both sides.

Speaker: Like he had to be a man in that moment.

Speaker: And I got you and you're the mom who just lost her child, you know, like we both did, but you know, mom's,

Speaker: We, you know, it's everything to us.

Speaker: And so for him to have to be in that masculine place of, I got you no matter what.

Speaker: And then when you were feeling a little better to be like, no, I got you no matter what.

Speaker: And the permission to be not okay.

Speaker: And then,

Speaker: Then the permission a little bit to be okay.

Speaker: Like if you were angry that he just laughed and you took that personally as like, how could you laugh right now when you know what happened?

Speaker: Like you guys did navigate it so beautifully, but also again, in your power and with a choice, I'm choosing to look for the silver lining.

Speaker: I'm choosing to know that it's going to be okay.

Speaker: And knowing that he has my back, but I also have his.

Speaker: Yes.

Speaker: is everything.

Speaker: Yes.

Speaker: And the permission, the permission to just be whatever you got to be.

Speaker: It's okay.

Speaker: It's okay.

Speaker: Right.

Speaker: Today I'm going to stay in bed all day and cry.

Speaker: That's what I need.

Speaker: I'm going to do that.

Speaker: Yeah.

Speaker: But maybe tomorrow I'm going to, I mean, there was a pic, like you say, the dancing, it was probably the same thing.

Speaker: There was a picture that you posted online of you guys in a limo and it wasn't, it was short after it happened.

Speaker: It was three weeks after his funeral.

Speaker: And I remember being like, good for you, but not everybody's going to get that.

Speaker: Right.

Speaker: You could be seriously judged of how could you possibly go to an event three weeks later?

Speaker: Right.

Speaker: Yeah.

Speaker: But you chose to like, I'm going to put it down for a minute.

Speaker: It will still be there when I come back to it.

Speaker: Right.

Speaker: That pain will still be there.

Speaker: That truth will still be there, but I'm going to take a second and be alive.

Speaker: Yeah.

Speaker: That pain, actually, that pain is always there.

Speaker: It doesn't come back.

Speaker: It's just, it's always there.

Speaker: And, and that, that night was, oh, it was actually a very special night.

Speaker: My friend organized a celebrity makeup artist for me.

Speaker: And we got this, Anthony bought me this dress and we both got dressed up.

Speaker: That was the first time we got dressed.

Speaker: The first time I put makeup on.

Speaker: Um, and, uh, there was a limo and there was alcohol and, and then, and then we were going to support a friend of ours and it just, it felt right.

Speaker: And I didn't really care what anyone had to care how it looked.

Speaker: I did not care.

Speaker: This is, you're not, you're not in my shoes right now.

Speaker: This is me fighting for my life.

Speaker: You know, I'm fighting for my life right now.

Speaker: So let me go.

Speaker: Yeah, that's where those boundaries are, though.

Speaker: It is okay for you to like, like this post on Instagram or whatever.

Speaker: It's not okay for you to judge my journey.

Speaker: It didn't happen to you.

Speaker: Yeah.

Speaker: Right.

Speaker: That's where one of those boundaries is, is like, I'm going to do this.

Speaker: Yeah.

Speaker: And I wrote about that.

Speaker: I started Love, Faith, Perseverance as a resource online for people that were going through loss of a child.

Speaker: And I was so honest with my blogs.

Speaker: I wrote down everything that was happening to me and I just wanted to share everything.

Speaker: I just wanted to share all my knowledge and all my resources so that you could win too.

Speaker: Yeah.

Speaker: You know, so you're going to fight for your life to fight for your life.

Speaker: This is what you have to do.

Speaker: So, you know, I, that's why I started that blog.

Speaker: I don't have it anymore, but I feel like, you know, I did that and I kind of moved past it and now I'm on something else, but, um, it was so healing for me to do that as well.

Speaker: It healed me writing about it and sharing it to people.

Speaker: And I feel like that's what made people following me kind of understand my process and

Speaker: And, and understand, oh, okay.

Speaker: I understand why she went out.

Speaker: I understand that was, that was the first night we went dancing.

Speaker: Um, and you know, when I tell people that I conceived my daughter two weeks, you know, after, after Emilio passed, like, when I say that, I can't even believe it, you know?

Speaker: But it's comfort.

Speaker: It was, again, it was that you guys chose each other.

Speaker: Well, no, it was my mom.

Speaker: My mom looked at me and she's like, darling, your husband needs you tonight, you know?

Speaker: And I'm like, are you crazy?

Speaker: You know, like, we're not thinking about sex right now.

Speaker: What are you talking about?

Speaker: She's like, I know, but a man is a man.

Speaker: And please, like, take care of him tonight.

Speaker: I'm like, what?

Speaker: What?

Speaker: Are you saying and, and, and yeah, and I just I listened to her and I conceived my daughter that night.

Speaker: And, and it was the wildest ride.

Speaker: Yeah, it was the and there was some magic in there too, of, you know,

Speaker: There was, I don't know.

Speaker: She's a magical little being and I love her.

Speaker: She's such a little you.

Speaker: It's not even funny.

Speaker: Oh my gosh.

Speaker: There is magic in her because I mean, we went to see those mediums and how, how her story unfolded is, is just unbelievable.

Speaker: Do you want me to say, do you want me to talk a little bit about it or?

Speaker: Yeah.

Speaker: I mean, we'll just have this be a double long episode.

Speaker: I love it.

Speaker: Keep going.

Speaker: So we saw a medium.

Speaker: Cause I wanted to get some answers and some clarity and, uh, and she's like, you're pregnant.

Speaker: And I go, trust me, I am not pregnant.

Speaker: I wouldn't know if I'm pregnant.

Speaker: Okay.

Speaker: I haven't even had sex.

Speaker: Okay.

Speaker: Maybe just once.

Speaker: And trust me, nothing happened.

Speaker: She goes, no, no, no, no.

Speaker: I see it.

Speaker: I see it right now.

Speaker: And she goes, as a matter of fact, your son is here holding the soul of who will be your daughter.

Speaker: And that just floored me.

Speaker: I'm like, Oh my God.

Speaker: Oh my God.

Speaker: Okay.

Speaker: So she said a lot of things that blew my mind, but I'll just touch on that.

Speaker: And, uh,

Speaker: And then three weeks later, I'm just feeling so fatigued.

Speaker: And my girlfriends are like, why aren't you eating your fried chicken?

Speaker: I said, I don't know.

Speaker: I'm just tired.

Speaker: They're like, you're never tired.

Speaker: You never say no to fried chicken.

Speaker: That's your, your plate should be cleared right now.

Speaker: There's something wrong with you.

Speaker: They go, are you pregnant?

Speaker: I go, no way am I pregnant.

Speaker: It's my grief.

Speaker: I'm just tired.

Speaker: And they're like, let's go take a pregnancy test.

Speaker: So I went home.

Speaker: They came with me.

Speaker: I took a pregnancy test and it was positive.

Speaker: I, I was floored.

Speaker: I couldn't believe it.

Speaker: I was just, I just could, I, then I remembered what she said.

Speaker: And then, uh, I told my doctor, my doctor didn't even believe me.

Speaker: She was like, well, I think you might be imagining things like one step at a time.

Speaker: And, and, you know, a couple of weeks past, I took another, I saw my doctor and she's like, oh my God,

Speaker: you're pregnant.

Speaker: She's like, you're two months pregnant by, by this time.

Speaker: I'm like, Oh my God, this isn't, this is incredible.

Speaker: She goes, this is a miracle.

Speaker: And then when she called me and said, it's a girl, I, I, you know, we all burst into tears because it just felt like whatever this medium had said to us was just unfolding correctly.

Speaker: And, um, and, uh, and, uh, I remember my, my girlfriend, uh,

Speaker: She actually came to me not long after the funeral and she said, listen, Emilio came to me in my dream.

Speaker: And he didn't want to come to you because he thought you wouldn't believe it.

Speaker: But he wanted me to tell you that you're going to have a baby girl and you're going to know that I sent her to you because she'll have a little scar on her eyelid.

Speaker: This is exactly what my girlfriend said.

Speaker: And then she proceeded to take off this bracelet that said, believe.

Speaker: And she put it on my wrist and she said, I'm giving this back to you because I had given it to her when her engagement had failed.

Speaker: I said, believe, believe that you're going to fall in love again.

Speaker: So, so she took it off her wrist and she said, I'm putting this on you now.

Speaker: I need you to believe now.

Speaker: And, uh, and so when all this was unfolding, you know, I called her, I'm like, Oh my God, it is a girl.

Speaker: And then when she was born, she had a little mark on her eyelid, just like, I was just, this was just unbelievable.

Speaker: So I asked the doctor, I'm like, what is this?

Speaker: And he goes, he goes, Oh, that'll go away in a year.

Speaker: We just call that an angel's kiss.

Speaker: Yep.

Speaker: Oh my God.

Speaker: And so it's just, her story is incredible.

Speaker: Her story is incredible.

Speaker: Her story is incredible and it also speaks to the Italian stallion husband that you have and that you listen to your mom's advice.

Speaker: So sometimes they do just need a little bit like I just need to know we're good.

Speaker: That's part of I got you to be honest too.

Speaker: And I will say this, you know, you know, we always celebrate his birthday every year.

Speaker: And so now that she's five years old, you know, this, his last birthday, she was like, well, where is he?

Speaker: Why isn't he coming?

Speaker: And I'm like, well, he's in heaven.

Speaker: Remember?

Speaker: And she goes, oh, he's in heaven.

Speaker: That's right.

Speaker: Okay.

Speaker: So she, he's not going to come here.

Speaker: I'm like, he's with us, but not, not, not, not with, not physically with us right now.

Speaker: Right.

Speaker: And she says, okay.

Speaker: She goes, have I met him before?

Speaker: And I just start bawling.

Speaker: And I'm like, yes, you have.

Speaker: I'll tell you all about it when you're a little older.

Speaker: But I can't wait to tell her story and share with her more of everything.

Speaker: And yeah, it's a constant evolving conversation in this house, you know?

Speaker: But it also just speaks to the fact that even when people pass, they're always near us and with us.

Speaker: You know, I have a thing with my grandmother for dimes because she was just my person.

Speaker: And so whenever I see a dime and it's always in a weird place, I know it's just her, yeah, just kind of winking to me, right?

Speaker: Like, I'm here, I'm with you, right?

Speaker: They don't go.

Speaker: They're just kind of, you know, they're still with you in a different way.

Speaker: They're always with you.

Speaker: For me, it's a blue dragonfly.

Speaker: Okay.

Speaker: It's a blue dragonfly.

Speaker: And I see them often and they're very rare, but I actually see them often.

Speaker: Yeah.

Speaker: And the one unlikely place I last saw a blue dragonfly, I was in Israel and the Jordan River, river rafting, and a blue dragonfly landed on my oar.

Speaker: And imagine like once they see movement, they're out of there.

Speaker: This dragonfly hang held on for about two minutes on my oar.

Speaker: And I couldn't, I just couldn't, I was like, do you see this?

Speaker: Do you, do you, this is, this is my baby.

Speaker: You know, it was just, uh, if you, if you're open to the signs, they're there.

Speaker: If you're open to the spirit world, they're there.

Speaker: They're always there.

Speaker: They just, you just have to be open to it.

Speaker: You have to welcome it.

Speaker: You have to allow it.

Speaker: You can't be afraid of it.

Speaker: You just, you, you have to let them know you're okay with it, be open and, and, and, and allow it to happen.

Speaker: I really do.

Speaker: And you're right.

Speaker: And, and have it be this happy thing.

Speaker: Like you could have lost it right then and been like, Oh, I just, you know, here, but it has to be a joyful, they want to come to you when you're happy.

Speaker: They want to, because they're good.

Speaker: They're okay.

Speaker: They are absolutely okay where they are.

Speaker: And so for them to come and just give you that little tap on the show, like I found a dime the other day at Erewhon, like in the weirdest place.

Speaker: And I was like, yep, I see you, grandma.

Speaker: Thank you.

Speaker: And like, you know, it's just this little, and it has to be a happy thing because it is a happy thing.

Speaker: And that radical acceptance is such a huge thing of like, yeah,

Speaker: you can still go on these family fun adventures.

Speaker: Right.

Speaker: And he is always with you.

Speaker: And that was him just being like, Hey mom, I'm so glad you're having fun today.

Speaker: Yeah.

Speaker: And you know what?

Speaker: I'm going to die soon enough.

Speaker: I will be, I will be rejoiced with my son eventually and everyone else that I've lost in my life.

Speaker: But, um, I know this is not the end and I, I will, I will be with my son again.

Speaker: I know this.

Speaker: Well, I don't fear death.

Speaker: I don't fear death.

Speaker: Um, I'm good.

Speaker: I'm good here.

Speaker: I'm good there.

Speaker: So that's, that's how I kind of look at it.

Speaker: I love that.

Speaker: I love that.

Speaker: Okay.

Speaker: Well, let's start to wrap up because I've taken so much of your time, but this is amazing.

Speaker: I love you so much.

Speaker: Okay.

Speaker: So, um, best advice, cause these are just the two.

Speaker: Yes.

Speaker: Mama final questions.

Speaker: We'll just, we'll just jump in there.

Speaker: Best advice you ever got from that fully unconditional loving place that helped you as a mom.

Speaker: That,

Speaker: It's okay for your child to experience failure and hurt.

Speaker: You're not always going to be there.

Speaker: You can't always save them and protect them.

Speaker: That's a good one.

Speaker: I always have to remind myself, you know what?

Speaker: It's their path.

Speaker: This is their life that they are living just like you are living your life and you've experienced heartbreak, you've experienced pain and failure and they have to experience it too.

Speaker: So let go and let God and that's it.

Speaker: that's it.

Speaker: They, they are.

Speaker: And how do you show up when that happens?

Speaker: So one of them had a really tough time or like, didn't get picked to be on the baseball team or whatever, you know, those kinds of things that you honestly, you get, you can't fix.

Speaker: How do you show up for them when that does happen?

Speaker: You know what?

Speaker: I'll, I'll take it to like, uh, when, um, you know, they were being bullied a little bit and, um,

Speaker: And like my mama bear mode just wanted to show up at school and like, you know, take over.

Speaker: But then I remembered, you know, I was bullied as a kid and I had to figure it out.

Speaker: You know, I mean, I had to, I had to speak up for myself.

Speaker: I had to,

Speaker: I had to find my own way.

Speaker: And, and, uh, you know, my parents never had my back in that department.

Speaker: Like I would have my kids back, but, um, I'll step, there's always room for me to step in, you know, I can step in any time, but, um,

Speaker: I'm going to let you figure this one out.

Speaker: You know, this is, I have to remind myself that it's okay.

Speaker: He's going to get bullied.

Speaker: He is going to get fired.

Speaker: He is going to fail.

Speaker: He's going to get his heart broken.

Speaker: He, you know, he's going to maybe get in a scuffle, whatever it is.

Speaker: He, this is all here for him to make him a better person.

Speaker: And he's going to learn and become a better person for it and a stronger person for it.

Speaker: I'm, I'm always here.

Speaker: I'll always have their back, but this is their journey.

Speaker: And I got to remind myself that it's okay.

Speaker: It's okay.

Speaker: They're living their path.

Speaker: Yeah.

Speaker: No, that's a really good one because they learn so much more when they go through it.

Speaker: That whole thing of words don't teach, experience teaches.

Speaker: If they learn how to stand up for themselves, they'll know how to stand up for themselves.

Speaker: If you do always jump in and fix it, all they're learning is that they're not good enough to fix it for themselves.

Speaker: We as moms, you know, we just want to do everything.

Speaker: I know.

Speaker: And also life isn't fair.

Speaker: Right.

Speaker: And I always, every time they say, mom, that wasn't fair.

Speaker: I didn't, I, they didn't, they weren't being fair in picking me or this and that.

Speaker: I said, well, listen, dude, life, life ain't fair.

Speaker: You know, that firsthand, right?

Speaker: Look what happened to us.

Speaker: Right.

Speaker: Was that fair?

Speaker: It wasn't fair, but is that keeping us down?

Speaker: No.

Speaker: So you just got to know that not everything is equal and not everything is fair.

Speaker: Right.

Speaker: Right.

Speaker: You know, you're, you're living a very privileged life and you know, that's your life that you're living.

Speaker: There's someone else that is not living as a privileged life as you.

Speaker: I don't know why, but life is not equal and life is not fair.

Speaker: So, and again, go to gratitude.

Speaker: Yeah.

Speaker: What are all the things that you can be grateful for right now?

Speaker: Go to gratitude.

Speaker: Right?

Speaker: 100.

Speaker: Go to gratitude.

Speaker: That is good advice.

Speaker: I love that.

Speaker: Best family moment.

Speaker: A time either, you know, it's funny.

Speaker: I've been doing these lately and some are like, you know, my husband or my partner wasn't there when this happened, but I had such a great mom moment.

Speaker: So it doesn't have to be the entire family, but the time where,

Speaker: you were just so in it being a mom and felt so happy and knowing that like being a mom is the best.

Speaker: And this, even if five minutes later was horrible, just share a time, you know, even if like this was a time capsule and your kids were hearing it in 20 years, they'd be like, Oh, I remember that.

Speaker: I think it was during COVID.

Speaker: And, and, uh, and I remember, um, it was like crisis mode time.

Speaker: And, and, uh,

Speaker: We would meditate.

Speaker: We wake up, we would meditate every morning, and then we would go on family walks together.

Speaker: And, and then we would make lunch together.

Speaker: Everything was together.

Speaker: Like we, it was like, there was no escaping the family and, um, we got so close and, and it was, I actually enjoyed the lockdown because as a mom, your life is so it's like on fast forward and there's just so much to handle and do and take care of.

Speaker: And, and COVID that lockdown actually like said, um,

Speaker: chill out, you're not going nowhere.

Speaker: There's nowhere to see me.

Speaker: So so make yourself comfortable.

Speaker: So I kind of enjoyed that pause in my life.

Speaker: And we kind of got closer as a family unit.

Speaker: And I just felt like each of us had our part in this family unit that was happening during this pause of time.

Speaker: And I was really proud of us.

Speaker: I loved it too.

Speaker: Yeah.

Speaker: I loved it too.

Speaker: We, we, you know, they're like old board games came out and all, I know you're such a great, great chef as you know, I like to cook too.

Speaker: And so like all these old family recipes that, you know, Oh, can we have that?

Speaker: We had, um, almost every night, but not every bed cake was a thing in our house.

Speaker: We got to make more.

Speaker: And it was just like, where was I?

Speaker: Why?

Speaker: Where was I during bed cake?

Speaker: It was just a yellow cake that just was always in the kitchen.

Speaker: And I don't know what it was about that.

Speaker: It was a thing at my house, but like we all were together and my kids are older.

Speaker: And so, you know, sitting down and playing cards or doing a board game with kids who are, you know, in their teens just is unheard of.

Speaker: So I agree with you.

Speaker: It was amazing.

Speaker: wonderful.

Speaker: You know, because it really did just not only slow down everything, but you had time to get taken a walk around the block, the whole family together.

Speaker: Imagine you feel like the value of life a little bit more because of everything that was going on in the world at that time.

Speaker: Like

Speaker: stay home, don't go outside, wash all your vegetables, like wear your mask, like, don't go out for next two weeks.

Speaker: They say it's in the I mean, I mean, all that stuff going around.

Speaker: And it just it just, it just felt like, wow, I'm alive right now.

Speaker: You know, like I am alive.

Speaker: And life is so valuable right now.

Speaker: And we got to take care of my family.

Speaker: And we're gonna we're gonna get through this another another thing we're gonna we're gonna get through this thing, you know,

Speaker: Yeah, mine was a huge gratitude too, though, because I was like, cool, I'm not allowed to go outside.

Speaker: I get that.

Speaker: But everything I need is right here.

Speaker: I have everything I need.

Speaker: I don't need to go anywhere.

Speaker: Everyone I love is under this roof.

Speaker: I have plenty of groceries.

Speaker: It's beautiful and sunny outside.

Speaker: I can still go on it.

Speaker: Right?

Speaker: So for me, it was this huge gratitude of I know that everything that I really truly care about is right here right now.

Speaker: That's so beautiful.

Speaker: Yeah.

Speaker: Yeah.

Speaker: Awesome.

Speaker: Okay.

Speaker: I love you so much.

Speaker: Thank you.

Speaker: Not only for this so much long time, but seeing a fierce, powerful mama who is like, this will not take me down is so inspiring.

Speaker: So much.

Speaker: I love you.

Speaker: Thanks for being there through my, throughout my journey.

Speaker: No, I, and I love it.

Speaker: And again, my, my, you know, career has changed.

Speaker: So I now get to come as a guitar teacher and a little tutor.

Speaker: And so I love that we're still in each other's lives.

Speaker: Promise me we will always be in each other's lives.

Speaker: Oh my gosh.

Speaker: Of course.

Speaker: And actually I'll plug this later, but I'm starting a month long.

Speaker: My Monday morning mindsets is for moms and kids.

Speaker: So for everybody guided meditations.

Speaker: I love that.

Speaker: Oh,

Speaker: Yeah, so that's the month of April are just guided meditations because I know you guys not just make your kids meditate, but your kids do meditate.

Speaker: And so just as something you can turn on and they can just lay down and listen and there's their meditation.

Speaker: That's going to be amazing.

Speaker: Yes, yes, yes, I love it.

Speaker: Right, and Mateo's little meditation guitar thing that we played, I use that all the time.

Speaker: That makes me so happy.

Speaker: Thank you.

Speaker: Okay, have a great day, sweetheart.

Speaker: Love you so much.

Speaker: Love you, bye.