Transcript
Speaker: Hi, and welcome to the Yes Mama podcast.
Speaker: A Yes Mama is one who loves being a mom, who is in it to have the best time with their kids to raise confident and happy and successful and resilient kids.
Speaker: And here at the Yes Mama podcast, we do that through intimate conversations with moms and sometimes dads about the best ways that we've found simple yet effective parenting methods that have helped our kids to really thrive.
Speaker: So even just by being here, you're doing such a great job.
Speaker: By showing up, taking this hour out of your day to be a better parent shows how much you care.
Speaker: So great job.
Speaker: Thanks for being here.
Speaker: Here we go.
Speaker: Hey moms, are you feeling stressed, overwhelmed, like you hopefully are on your list, but you're probably on the very bottom of your list, if at all.
Speaker: And you find yourself snapping at your kids or going to bed almost crying, exhausted every night because you just can't take it anymore.
Speaker: And you know that there's a better way.
Speaker: You know that you had kids and decided to have a family and live this life because you thought it was going to be wonderful.
Speaker: You thought it was going to be something that would bring you joy.
Speaker: And so you know that that's not how it's supposed to be.
Speaker: There's got to be another way.
Speaker: I felt exactly the same way as you did.
Speaker: I found myself frustrated and in survival mode so much of the time.
Speaker: And what I learned was that there is a better way.
Speaker: I studied Buddhism and meditation.
Speaker: I studied mindfulness and really focused on prioritizing the things that were really important to me.
Speaker: And I want to just give you three quick steps how to go from being stressed and overwhelmed to feeling confident and happy and really having close relationships with your kids.
Speaker: Because before you know it, you'll be dropping them off at college.
Speaker: And the last thing you want to happen is to feel like you missed any time with them.
Speaker: The last thing you want to happen is to not have a close relationship so they go off to wherever their life takes them when they're 18 and they don't even bother to look back and spend time with you.
Speaker: Let me show you how to do this.
Speaker: The first thing I want you to do is I want you to go to yes.mamailana on Instagram and follow so you don't miss anything.
Speaker: And then the next thing I want you to do is to go to LinkedIn bio and look at my freebie for your morning routine and then also my summer coaching series, which right now DM me and I will send you a coupon for $300 off.
Speaker: the price, which is amazing.
Speaker: And I already have people signing up.
Speaker: So this is just for my podcast listeners who I'm so grateful that you're here listening to the podcast.
Speaker: There's so many nuggets of wisdom on here, but I really want you to come join me this summer.
Speaker: Your life is now.
Speaker: Your life is happening now.
Speaker: And everything you do today, you're setting yourself up for a wonderful tomorrow, a wonderful next year.
Speaker: And again, having that vision of dropping your kids off, setting up their first apartment, their first room, and knowing that you did a great job.
Speaker: So come follow me so that you don't miss out on all the wonderful things.
Speaker: that life has to offer when you're a mom.
Speaker: Go buy my class now.
Speaker: I'll see you on June 1st when we start.
Speaker: DM me for that coupon.
Speaker: And here we go with Jen, the most amazing women's empowerment coach I have ever heard.
Speaker: I know you're going to enjoy this episode.
Speaker: Here we go.
Speaker: Hello, Yes Mamas.
Speaker: Welcome to this week's Yes Mama podcast.
Speaker: And I am so excited to be here with Jen, who is someone who I actually have been following on the Instagram for a long time.
Speaker: She actually is a good friend of one of my friends.
Speaker: And through my divorce, which I've been dealing with for the last four years, I've kind of been watching you.
Speaker: And I know it's one of those things where you don't know
Speaker: who your work is touching and how it has helped them or how it is helping them.
Speaker: And so I just am excited that I get to give you a personal thank you for the number one thing you taught me was boundaries, right?
Speaker: That we all get them.
Speaker: What?
Speaker: And I didn't know that.
Speaker: So thank you, Jen, for even being here.
Speaker: Oh, you're so welcome.
Speaker: Thank you for that.
Speaker: And I'm so glad that my work is touching your life.
Speaker: Yes.
Speaker: Boundaries.
Speaker: Yes.
Speaker: Number one.
Speaker: One of the biggest keys of all to relationships.
Speaker: So I'm glad.
Speaker: Absolutely.
Speaker: And I just wanted to just start with the fact that
Speaker: There is such a movement going around these days for women of self-empowerment, of we get a choice, we get needs, we get to decide where our boundaries are.
Speaker: And then we as moms, on top of being women, really have a responsibility to show our kids how to do it.
Speaker: Right.
Speaker: That's something that I know until I did my whole awakening journey and the whole thing where I didn't know I got needs.
Speaker: That's my childhood trauma.
Speaker: I didn't get needs when I was a kid.
Speaker: So, you know, can you can we just start there?
Speaker: What is a need as a mom, you know, or as a woman or as an adult?
Speaker: Like, what does that even mean to have needs?
Speaker: Of course we do.
Speaker: We all need food.
Speaker: We all need to, you know, have a job to give us money.
Speaker: So what what are needs?
Speaker: Can we just start with a definition there?
Speaker: Yes, hugely important.
Speaker: Seems so simple, but it's so complicated, especially if when you were a child yourself, you didn't necessarily have a caretaker that would, you know, fill your needs or maybe even identify them for you because they themselves had so much going on or they had trauma in their own life.
Speaker: And so this cycle kind of perpetuates where we go into this place realizing that we don't
Speaker: We didn't get our needs met.
Speaker: We just start to think we don't have them.
Speaker: And we do.
Speaker: So identifying them, understanding what they are, and knowing that it's not, this is the biggest part, is it's not selfish to meet your needs.
Speaker: It is not narcissistic to focus on yourself or any of that.
Speaker: Of course, there's extremes, right?
Speaker: But when you have a need like me time or filling back up, you are actually becoming so much better of a person to pour out on your children, on your partner, in your life in general.
Speaker: So it's not only not selfish, it's actually crucial to identify your needs and do them.
Speaker: And yes, this is fun and this feels amazing.
Speaker: And filling your needs, it feels like
Speaker: you know, like I said, fun.
Speaker: So sometimes we can confuse that with, oh, this isn't productive or I'm not, you know, we're so used to giving out and caretaking, but it's supposed to feel amazing.
Speaker: It's supposed to feel blissful.
Speaker: It's supposed to be anything that you love to do that almost time stands still.
Speaker: And then you energetically and in all the ways get filled back up so that you can pour out.
Speaker: So that would be
Speaker: Absolutely.
Speaker: I always and it makes me giggle even when I say it like, oh, I even have needs because one of my things was having emotions.
Speaker: You know, that's one of my needs that when I feel an emotion, again, it makes me giggle because it seems so silly.
Speaker: But we also are teaching it to our kids all the time.
Speaker: If I'm angry, I get to feel mad.
Speaker: Right.
Speaker: And the people around me are, you know, hopefully going to allow me to have that emotion and work through it.
Speaker: And there's so much that goes on, you know, later with dealing with any kind of emotional, anything that you're going through.
Speaker: But if I'm sad, I'm going to cry.
Speaker: Yeah.
Speaker: If I'm angry.
Speaker: Right.
Speaker: And so having this.
Speaker: We all as humans have emotions, obviously, that we are humans, but that is a need too, that you get your own emotions.
Speaker: You don't have to just take on whatever emotions are of the people around you.
Speaker: I mean, you can hear a little bit that I obviously was in a narcissistic family and husband growing up.
Speaker: So therefore my codependence is just like, hi, here I am.
Speaker: I don't know.
Speaker: I get it.
Speaker: I was like, I knew you heard that like right away, but it is such an important thing.
Speaker: And realizing that, that some of those basic needs, again, like even having an emotion is also a need.
Speaker: Yes.
Speaker: So true.
Speaker: And that is one of the reasons why we do feel, you know, do the self-care things like whatever that is for you, whether that's getting a massage or, you know, being in nature, whatever.
Speaker: It's so that you can hold space for whatever does want to be fully present in the moment.
Speaker: Oftentimes those are emotions.
Speaker: And what we need to learn is that when we suppress emotions, we are, those are some of the things that make us sick.
Speaker: They come out in other ways in our life.
Speaker: We don't just get, it's like a beach ball.
Speaker: You're forcing them down.
Speaker: It's a lot of energy to do that.
Speaker: So giving yourself the space to allow yourself to feel is one of the best things you can do
Speaker: Because you will naturally then give space to your children to have feelings.
Speaker: And yeah, feelings need to be supported.
Speaker: They need to be allowed.
Speaker: They do not need to be fixed or solved.
Speaker: They literally just need to be felt and to know that we are human.
Speaker: This is part of who we are.
Speaker: And if we can be parents or people that allow for that space with no judgment...
Speaker: There is no judgment.
Speaker: You're angry.
Speaker: You're angry.
Speaker: And sometimes the judgments we put on those feelings is because they were put on us, right?
Speaker: And yes, if you're growing up in a narcissistic environment or you have a narcissistic relationship, those are the first things to usually be suppressed are your own emotions because that's not going to go well with the other person.
Speaker: That's not going to be seen or really welcomed.
Speaker: So such a great place to start your own emotions and how that can help you be there for others too.
Speaker: Yeah.
Speaker: And then it goes into the, you know, once you realize you get needs, because even as women and as moms, you're a mom as well, we forget that we even need to be on the list, right?
Speaker: We think it is not only our duty, but society thinks that we should...
Speaker: We are there for everyone else, right?
Speaker: Make sure that your husband is safe and comfortable.
Speaker: Make sure that your house is clean and perfect.
Speaker: Make sure you actually look okay before you walk out the door.
Speaker: Make sure your kids' homework is done.
Speaker: And there's so many have-tos that we forget that we're even on the list.
Speaker: And then how you're feeling about where you are on the list, again, is just the very, very bottom of
Speaker: And so, yeah, that self-care thing, you said in one of your posts, self-care is not selfish and it's also not optional.
Speaker: And I think that's absolutely true.
Speaker: How do you, as a mom, start your day?
Speaker: How do you wake up in the morning and have that couple of minutes or like, what does your morning routine look like where you ask yourself those questions of like, what do I need today?
Speaker: Oh, such a good question.
Speaker: And it took me a long time to kind of,
Speaker: make space for the morning that I needed instead of the morning that I was jolted into.
Speaker: Because we can be jolted into as a mom.
Speaker: There's so many things to get done.
Speaker: So waking up even just 10 minutes before everything starts to get going.
Speaker: I used to have this big lofty goal of, okay, I'm going to get an hour before everyone meditate.
Speaker: And you know what?
Speaker: It didn't work out because I have to get up so early as it is with my children.
Speaker: So what I ended up learning is if I make these huge
Speaker: goals, they're not met.
Speaker: And as opposed to, you know what, 10 minutes is a beautiful thing that you're just carving into your morning before the hustle and bustle.
Speaker: So I use that 10 minutes to not grab my phone and to honestly start by saying, thank you.
Speaker: Thank you for this day.
Speaker: Thank you that I'm breathing.
Speaker: Thank you for the day that I'm about to have and the family and all of the things.
Speaker: And then I just do some breathing and
Speaker: I keep that time very simple.
Speaker: And I kind of let it kind of ease me into my day because then I go into the hustle and bustle, which is getting my children healthy meals and, you know, fed.
Speaker: And I have learned too, I want us to help them start their day really well.
Speaker: So we've learned how to also incorporate just a little bit of meditation practice in the morning on our drive to school.
Speaker: Again, easy, not very complicated, but we're in the car anyway.
Speaker: So yeah.
Speaker: If I can help them learn just these little things that will help them in their future.
Speaker: And then once I get back, I have a really important hour that because they're off at school, I can actually take in before I start my work that I really dig into the inner places in my life before I kind of focus on the outer ones.
Speaker: And that for me has been life changing.
Speaker: So I
Speaker: It really isn't it?
Speaker: I mean, it really is.
Speaker: And just to, you know, reflect back what you just said.
Speaker: So basically you get up and have that quiet house, which is magic.
Speaker: Right.
Speaker: And you get again, you have your own tone and your own feelings and it's no one else's energy is is there.
Speaker: It's just the piece of the house and you a little bit of gratitude.
Speaker: And then a little bit of setting yourself so that you can help them go out into the world in their best way.
Speaker: Yes.
Speaker: Regulating your nervous system, my nervous system, so that exactly what you just said, so I can be a more grounded presence for them.
Speaker: If I didn't do that, it was very hectic.
Speaker: It was rushed.
Speaker: It was ungrounded.
Speaker: It was not pretty.
Speaker: So I learned that goes a long way, even just 10 minutes.
Speaker: It really does.
Speaker: And I think also just the goal, you know, what's the goal of the morning when my kids get out of the car at school and I'm like, see ya.
Speaker: And they're running off to find their friends.
Speaker: What do you want to have done?
Speaker: Right.
Speaker: I want them to know they're loved.
Speaker: I want them to have some calories that it's not going to have a bonk in their system.
Speaker: And hopefully they have their homework with.
Speaker: Right.
Speaker: There's the there's the list.
Speaker: But the biggest one is to.
Speaker: Yeah, set them up for success for having a good day.
Speaker: Set them up for success of being kind people because they have everything they need so then they can help friends or whoever they're going to come into contact with and know how to calm themselves if they have anything stressful happen to them while they're in their day.
Speaker: Absolutely.
Speaker: And also getting them, I think, in touch with their own
Speaker: sense of self too.
Speaker: And, and, and understanding that, yeah, they can make decisions as they come up during the day.
Speaker: I remember during one of the meditations I played in the car was about getting in touch with your future self and having a conversation.
Speaker: And I really didn't think they were even doing it.
Speaker: Um, I was like, well, at least there's like, you know, this is the seeds being planted.
Speaker: But after I had this conversation with my oldest and, and I said, did you see your future self?
Speaker: And just kind of, you know,
Speaker: casually asking me, he's like, actually I did.
Speaker: he told me that I really should just continue to try new things because you never know what you're going to like.
Speaker: And I was like, that's brilliant.
Speaker: I just share a silly little story.
Speaker: So I was just, my daughter's in college and her homeschool, she's a ski team.
Speaker: She's the president, blah, blah, blah.
Speaker: And they go up to Mammoth to ski.
Speaker: So I was there this weekend too.
Speaker: So I got to ski with her as part of her spring break.
Speaker: And I pulled over to like, you
Speaker: know, cause I'm trying to do this whole podcast thing.
Speaker: So I pull over to do a little thing and she comes over and she's like, hi, yes, mamas, we're going to realize today to do simple joy.
Speaker: And so totally making fun of me.
Speaker: Right.
Speaker: And I turned to her and I was like, yeah, I see you making fun.
Speaker: And I go, but is it true?
Speaker: And she goes, yeah, of course you have to find joy in your day and skeed off.
Speaker: And I was like, see,
Speaker: They're always listening.
Speaker: Yes.
Speaker: It would have been like, Oh my God, mom, future soul, whatever.
Speaker: But that little earworm of, you know, how to set their day and what they should be list.
Speaker: They are always listening.
Speaker: Yes, always.
Speaker: And then, and, and then they get reflected back to you in the most random times.
Speaker: You would never expect it.
Speaker: But then you realize, okay, it's good reminders that what we're doing is, it matters and it's good.
Speaker: Oh my gosh, it totally matters.
Speaker: It totally matters.
Speaker: And I had an experience where, like I said, I grew up with a little bit of trauma and then had kids when I was young.
Speaker: I became a mom when I was 22 by way of a stepdaughter immediately.
Speaker: Love her.
Speaker: We are still super close.
Speaker: So it was a good thing.
Speaker: But still, I was 22 as a mom and
Speaker: My first biological at 26, blah, blah, blah.
Speaker: Anyway.
Speaker: Um, so I hadn't healed, you know, from my childhood, I knew I probably should go do a little under work, but I hadn't.
Speaker: And when, again, I woke up, you know, 20 years later and was like, Ooh,
Speaker: That was a mistake.
Speaker: And that was a mistake.
Speaker: The whole concept of that you are always not just their mentor, but they're always watching.
Speaker: Right.
Speaker: And so one of the things, if you can heal some of that trauma, if you can.
Speaker: not if you can, you really should.
Speaker: It's so great too, because you're helping them to break that generational curse of all the things that you were taught that aren't serving you.
Speaker: And also just that, you know, it can be a pressure or it can be a, you get to that you, they are always watching.
Speaker: And if you can be your best self,
Speaker: They can see that too.
Speaker: And then they can become their best selves.
Speaker: I know I talked in circle around that.
Speaker: That makes sense.
Speaker: And I want to piggyback on that by saying that one of my favorite quotes is the greatest gift we can give to our children is our own healing.
Speaker: Oh, yes.
Speaker: Thich Nhat Hanh.
Speaker: Yep.
Speaker: I just saw that the other day, but I've seen it multiple times.
Speaker: And every time I see it, it
Speaker: hits me in a way that, yes, it's true.
Speaker: And even if it's the, it is, even though they're always watching, even if we try to hide things, right?
Speaker: Like maybe you're fighting behind closed doors or whatever it may be.
Speaker: Children are extremely, you know, perceptive and they're intuitive and they can pick up on things even when they're suppressed.
Speaker: So I think again, somehow these things perpetuate until one generation stops and says, all right, that's enough.
Speaker: I'm going to do the work now.
Speaker: And then like magic, it just,
Speaker: It just breaks it for them.
Speaker: And it's almost like what you're saying is so true.
Speaker: There's so much less for them to have to do because you've done or anyone has done their work.
Speaker: And so it's, I 100% agree with that.
Speaker: I think it's one of the greatest gifts.
Speaker: Right.
Speaker: And it also goes back to goals.
Speaker: Like we were just saying, the goal of your morning is to send them off happy, for lack of a bigger word.
Speaker: But I have found with my kids who are a little bit older, they're college age, my goal of having them want to come back home and hang out, having them want to be around me,
Speaker: I have been able, because of how I showed up for them and they've seen me go through everything, they want to be here.
Speaker: They want to come home.
Speaker: My daughter was here last night, you know, on her way home from break.
Speaker: So it's also that thinking of, you know, the short-term goals.
Speaker: How am I going to show up today?
Speaker: Building good days, one after another, another.
Speaker: And then that can, then you can zoom out to the day you drop them off at college.
Speaker: Or, you know, and how do you want your relationship to be?
Speaker: And then you build it backwards to how do I need to show up today so that they are excited to see me on spring break?
Speaker: Or they're excited to, you know, you have that moment when you're dropping them off at college.
Speaker: So is there some way that you help your clients really to go through this work to become their best self?
Speaker: Is there...
Speaker: But a formula you can share or how do you work with your clients to get there?
Speaker: Well, oftentimes my clients will find me when they're in the midst of a crisis.
Speaker: And yeah, crisis are an amazing point in our life to...
Speaker: do some reflective work to wake up to a part of ourself that we haven't really been conscious of.
Speaker: And oftentimes until we become conscious of the things we're talking about, the generational things, a lot of times we've taken on a lot that isn't even ours to take on, right?
Speaker: But we're continuing the pattern.
Speaker: So
Speaker: What we end up doing is using that crisis, and oftentimes it's the relationship crisis of some kind, to just magnify, okay, let's shift from the external, all the stuff going on to going in inner, like you just mentioned earlier, inner work, and focusing on what is...
Speaker: Yes, inner work, but also where did it come from?
Speaker: What's the why, right?
Speaker: So expanding your awareness on the why and then understanding it, having compassion for these parts of ourselves, having compassion for what is going on in our life.
Speaker: And yeah, we go through a process.
Speaker: It's months of a process to go through, connect with your own inner child.
Speaker: Part of what makes us the best parents is when we can have this really healthy relationship with our own inner child,
Speaker: We can't be neglecting that.
Speaker: And then, you know, being showing up for our own children, it's actually doesn't work that way.
Speaker: So that would probably be one of the most important parts as far as that, you know, also.
Speaker: affecting our parenting.
Speaker: And then there's the attachment styles.
Speaker: We talk about those.
Speaker: There's masculine, feminine energy.
Speaker: So it's all these aspects and tools that are part of us first relationship with ourself that actually are reflected to us in our relationships and oftentimes in the crisis that we're in.
Speaker: And then this unlocking kind of happens once you do that in your, you go inside, you focus on that for a while and
Speaker: this unlocking happens where you start to not only start to have create the relationships that you want, but also the purpose that you may have.
Speaker: You know, so many of us have a purpose that maybe gets pushed off for a long time for the sake of what you were saying earlier.
Speaker: There's so many things to do and get done.
Speaker: And that's oftentimes one of the biggest things that gets pushed aside.
Speaker: So I'm sure, you know, this podcast is part of your purpose, right?
Speaker: And
Speaker: Yeah.
Speaker: And it came out of, you know, just want, cause, because I am so close with my kids, how can I help anyone who's coming up behind me to have the same wonderful thing that I have?
Speaker: You know, you, you say you're talking to yourself 10 years ago, right?
Speaker: How did you get here?
Speaker: And so, yeah, that's so amazing.
Speaker: And yeah, just having that, um,
Speaker: connection to that, that thing that's bigger than you is also part of the result of doing that work.
Speaker: And then, and then it just kind of takes on a life of its own.
Speaker: And it's this amazing thing.
Speaker: So it is when you're, when your children go to college, there's, there's a timing to it all.
Speaker: That's all perfect.
Speaker: So.
Speaker: Yeah, well, I love the beginning of what you said, which is looking at it with compassion and not judging yourself.
Speaker: Because I think that's something that you can, even like we were talking about, you know, having needs or, you know, how am I doing my self-care today?
Speaker: We can judge ourselves really quickly.
Speaker: You know, I'm feeling angry right now.
Speaker: How dare I feel angry about this?
Speaker: You knew this was coming and you needed it.
Speaker: You know, like that self-judgment is just...
Speaker: Not welcome.
Speaker: It doesn't help anyone.
Speaker: Right.
Speaker: And it's trying to be helpful.
Speaker: That judgmental part thinks it's being helpful.
Speaker: And so we can even have compassion for that part.
Speaker: But what we realize is if we want to start to be our own coaches, like for instance, I would never talk to a client that way, right?
Speaker: Or a friend, right?
Speaker: And so why on earth would I allow myself to talk?
Speaker: But the way we talk to ourself can be so much more harsh.
Speaker: So even what you're saying, even starting to identify it,
Speaker: And capture those thoughts and be like, okay, that's, that's judgmental.
Speaker: I'm going to let that one kind of go not, not, you know, we don't want to shame those, right?
Speaker: Like what you said, but having compassion being like, wow, I'm really hard on myself.
Speaker: I'm going to start to learn how to shift that and be a little bit.
Speaker: you know, just start to choose the more compassionate thoughts and start to choose the less judgmental ones.
Speaker: Because once we start to make space for these things in that way, then all the healing work starts to get done because it feels almost welcome.
Speaker: We've said like, it's like, here it is.
Speaker: And it's nothing, nobody wants to show up into a judgmental space.
Speaker: So it really is a huge part to start.
Speaker: Yeah, and there can be such a big judgment of what got you to that big thing in your life that then you would need help through.
Speaker: So it's wonderful that you're helping these women through because it really is –
Speaker: I mean, divorce as one is, it's so, you can judge yourself.
Speaker: So how did I fail, right?
Speaker: As someone whose parents were divorced, I was like, that is the one thing I will never do to my kids, no matter what.
Speaker: And so I stayed way longer than I should have because that was my limiting belief, or however you want to say it, that if I get divorced, I failed because I know how hard that was for me.
Speaker: And so I didn't want to do it for them.
Speaker: No matter what, I won't let that happen.
Speaker: And so, yeah, that's where that comes back in where sometimes the biggest, most horrible thing helps you to learn so much about yourself.
Speaker: And it ends up being the most magical thing that ever happened.
Speaker: It's so true.
Speaker: And our biggest fear or the thing that we fear the most, it comes upon you and then there it is.
Speaker: And then there's a freedom that happens when you finally face that, when you finally move through it.
Speaker: And you realize that, okay, you just became and learned and so many things happened.
Speaker: And that was the thing that actually helped you get into and create the life and the relationship that you did want.
Speaker: Right.
Speaker: And I wish it was as easy as saying, we'll never do this thing, but it's so, it's such a good point that we can not want something as much
Speaker: as we can try and then sometimes we'll sacrifice.
Speaker: But there are things that are even bigger that sometimes we're not conscious of that are trying to get to the surface.
Speaker: And sometimes it takes a divorce.
Speaker: Sometimes it takes, we don't know what it's going to take.
Speaker: So just allowing it to be what it is and not being so hard on ourself to realize that it's all, I like to think that it's all perfect.
Speaker: And even the most
Speaker: difficult thing can turn into the most beautiful thing, which is oftentimes what happens when you start with a crisis and then you end up, wow, if that never happened, I wouldn't be here.
Speaker: And you probably wouldn't be doing this podcast.
Speaker: And I wouldn't be a coach because I became a coach and a, you know, do what I do because of my own marriage crisis.
Speaker: I was on the brink of divorce myself and mine went the other way where we, we,
Speaker: really kind of dove into the inner work together, which by the way, has to happen if it's going to work.
Speaker: Both people have to do it.
Speaker: And we really just took on our own paths in that way and all of our childhood trauma and all the things.
Speaker: And it helped me learn everything.
Speaker: Yes, I have a master's in psychology, but my experience is really the thing that I'm able to pass on and I learned so much from.
Speaker: And at the time I was the same as you.
Speaker: I was like, this is never going to happen.
Speaker: And it did.
Speaker: And there was just nothing I could do about it other than learn and grow from it and take it and move forward and trust that it was the exact path that I needed to take to get to where I am.
Speaker: Yeah.
Speaker: Perfect design.
Speaker: That's a great way to say it.
Speaker: I love that.
Speaker: Absolutely.
Speaker: How can you recognize some things in yourself that
Speaker: need to change.
Speaker: Like, again, we talk, I talk a lot about needs because it's something, you know, I still work on every day, but when you feel yourself triggered or getting more angry that you should about something silly, like, you know, if a kid spills something and you're like, Oh my God, how did you do it?
Speaker: You know, and you're overreacting or you're overreacting to, you
Speaker: weird things that aren't even that big deal to you, but you find yourself having bigger emotions.
Speaker: Isn't that one kind of thing to be aware of that maybe you need to find someone like you or do some inner work to see why that
Speaker: That's happening.
Speaker: Yes.
Speaker: I love that.
Speaker: Really well said.
Speaker: It's so that's why it doesn't really matter.
Speaker: Even though I'm a quote relationship expert, this is, I mean, this is truly every relationship we're in, including our children and sometimes, especially our children are mirrors.
Speaker: Okay.
Speaker: To us.
Speaker: And there's, you know, there's the conscious parent book by Shefali and all these things where you basically are consist constantly.
Speaker: If you, if you choose to, which I recommend, let everything be a mirror to you because what you just said is so true.
Speaker: Wow.
Speaker: I'm getting more angry than this situation really calls for.
Speaker: It's not that again, you don't want to judge it like, because that is what's happening, but to be, to let yourself become aware of it and be like, what is underneath this anger?
Speaker: So
Speaker: Most of the time, those little things, it's like the tiny tip of the iceberg, right?
Speaker: So the spilling the milk and then
Speaker: losing your temper is a, it's a signal to you that this little tip of the iceberg has a big part underneath it and it's covered up.
Speaker: And so the, as if you can look at it and address it, okay, what is this iceberg?
Speaker: What does it include?
Speaker: And that's where the inner work comes in.
Speaker: That's where the, the deeper work comes in.
Speaker: And yes, it is very helpful to work with a therapist or a coach because they can actually help you see the things
Speaker: That you can't necessarily see because they've been unconscious your whole life, right?
Speaker: So when you start to realize, oh, wow, I am suppressing this.
Speaker: I am really angry at my own mother.
Speaker: I was never allowed to spill milk.
Speaker: And then you start to unravel and start to look.
Speaker: And then when you start to bring these things into the light, if we take the iceberg as an example, the sun hits that.
Speaker: It starts to melt.
Speaker: And you all of a sudden realize that it's all just dissipates and you won't be, quote, triggered in that way anymore.
Speaker: So those triggers can be such a beautiful gift as long as we use them for what they are, which is signals that there's more going on.
Speaker: And I think that is a good example of, OK, my child, especially, if I'm acting in a way that I don't want to act, that's a great motivating factor to do the work that we're talking.
Speaker: Yeah.
Speaker: Yeah.
Speaker: Yeah.
Speaker: And what's something, just a little tip of advice, say something happened like, you know, another great little trigger is when kids aren't doing their homework, you know, right.
Speaker: How old are your kids?
Speaker: I think they're right in that age where you're like, shouldn't really be reminding them.
Speaker: But at the same time you have to check it.
Speaker: I mean, even mine in college, I'm like, did you do that paper you were supposed to do?
Speaker: You know, we're always moms.
Speaker: Um,
Speaker: But if they're not doing something that they're supposed to and you find yourself, again, overreacting, you know it's not that big of a deal.
Speaker: But what's something you can do before you find the coach or the therapist, like literally in the moment to stop that from either escalating and causing problems or escalating your own problems?
Speaker: you know, fight or flight response because you're getting triggered and going into.
Speaker: So what's something you can do when once we start to become aware that I should probably watch out for that?
Speaker: Ooh, I just completely overreacted.
Speaker: What should you do next to fix it now?
Speaker: Yeah.
Speaker: So that's a really great point.
Speaker: You just brought up the fight or flight response.
Speaker: When that is triggered, which is literally just this little tiny part of our brain, right?
Speaker: The amygdala that was there for when we needed to run from bears and things were really that extreme.
Speaker: That unfortunately doesn't know the difference between little tiny things like getting upset, you know, something that triggers you that literally puts you into that response, that trauma response.
Speaker: like, oh my god, they're not going to do their homework.
Speaker: And then that turns into they're not going to survive in the world.
Speaker: And so understanding that when that is activated, your prefrontal cortex actually shuts down, which is the part of us that actually is reasonable.
Speaker: That might have a logical response and that can have an actual higher conversation.
Speaker: So you're not even able to have that conversation with your children at that moment.
Speaker: So first and foremost, identify when you are in the fight or flight response, because nothing useful will get done in that time as a parent, right?
Speaker: And so understanding that you can, okay, then remove yourself from the conversation and show them, model it, be like, you know what?
Speaker: I'm not in the place I want to be to have this conversation.
Speaker: So I'm going to go ahead and take some time, you know, have a sacred space for a mom, please.
Speaker: That is huge
Speaker: And every single sacred space is different for every person.
Speaker: I call mine the meditation room.
Speaker: And it really is just the most calming room because your goal at that moment is regular nervous system.
Speaker: Untrigger.
Speaker: That's the word.
Speaker: Yes.
Speaker: Shift from the, yes, amygdala.
Speaker: So you can do that through breath.
Speaker: You can do that through even little things like looking up.
Speaker: is a signal to your body to, it can actually relax.
Speaker: So there's so many tips and tricks that you can, that are so simple.
Speaker: They don't have to be like an hour long meditation or something, even a little walk around the block to get your nervous system regulated, your amygdala shuts off.
Speaker: You can get back into your prefrontal cortex and have the conversation with your child.
Speaker: And also letting them at that point have a say as well in what
Speaker: Right.
Speaker: Oh, that's such a good one to be like, what do you think?
Speaker: But it also, you're absolutely right.
Speaker: You're modeling what they should do when they are feeling overwhelmed.
Speaker: And a couple I want to add on to that.
Speaker: I love your, definitely you got to remove yourself, even if it's go to the bathroom for a second or walk into, you know, if they're younger and you can just be in the kitchen, like, right.
Speaker: You can't always walk out and leave them alone.
Speaker: Tell me how old they are.
Speaker: Touch is a huge one for me.
Speaker: Like I have a, you know, kind of just will rub my chest for a second.
Speaker: And that kind of brings me back into my body or like, you know, when you tickle your arm, like you think of with your fingernails of a child, you know, I do it on my arm.
Speaker: Tapping is that one?
Speaker: Tapping, yes.
Speaker: Yeah, it's, that's not, I haven't been able to get into it.
Speaker: I've tried so many times, but that's another one to kind of, you know, YouTube and see what it's about.
Speaker: Yeah, emotional.
Speaker: Yes, the EFT is a big one, but it can be complicated when you're in the midst of a trigger.
Speaker: Exactly.
Speaker: I'm going to calm down.
Speaker: Yeah, it's yeah, you got to be it.
Speaker: I haven't I've tried.
Speaker: I've really tried to get into that one.
Speaker: The other one for me is music.
Speaker: Like there is a time and a place for some really loud music and either dancing or like
Speaker: just jumping, bouncing, they say.
Speaker: Again, you just need to kind of change up the energy that's there.
Speaker: There's a time and a place for a really loud Eminem song to just like, ah, and get it out and then, okay, come back in.
Speaker: Yeah, I want to add to that because it really does, it's one of the things I do with my clients as far as understanding what works for you.
Speaker: And then of course, zero judgment on what does because there is no right or wrong on this.
Speaker: This is truly about unique, what is uniquely unique
Speaker: your method to getting what you just said back in your body and present with the actual moment instead of the
Speaker: the chasing bears moment, right?
Speaker: So the running away from bears moment.
Speaker: So you want to come back into the moment.
Speaker: And it could be, for me, I realized it was, I just used to, if you look back into your childhood, what did you love to do?
Speaker: What did you do to play?
Speaker: So what children are so good at playing, they're not interested in producing things like adults, right?
Speaker: So that is, if we really look back and some of those things are not possible.
Speaker: Like for me, I used to love riding horses, but I don't have a horse in my backyard.
Speaker: So even something as simple as piano, sitting down
Speaker: And that just little narrowing my focus onto those keys.
Speaker: And, you know, I mentioned nature before and stuff like that, but you had a really good point that if you have toddlers and babies, you can't just be walking away.
Speaker: So something even more simple, like you can put an Eminem song in your headphones.
Speaker: Absolutely.
Speaker: Or throw them in the stroller.
Speaker: Come on, we're going out.
Speaker: You know, let's go take a walk.
Speaker: Yeah, absolutely.
Speaker: Yeah, absolutely.
Speaker: There just are there are so many ways.
Speaker: There's not just one right way to do it.
Speaker: I know as a teacher, one of the reasons I chose to be a teacher was because I wanted to have the same schedule as my kids.
Speaker: have the same breaks, get home at the same time.
Speaker: I even taught at a school that my kids went to for a while.
Speaker: So that was kind of fun.
Speaker: We would commute back and forth.
Speaker: However, then I didn't get that alone time in the car to kind of like shift gears.
Speaker: Do you have any advice for that?
Speaker: Like even working moms that come home after their kids do,
Speaker: How do you, in Montessori, we say we change our shoes.
Speaker: Like we literally have inside the classroom shoes and outside.
Speaker: So you come in, you change your shoes, you're setting, you're going from, you know, work daytime mom to, well, you're not a mom there, work daytime woman, whatever, into mom.
Speaker: How do you switch that so that you can not only be present for your kids, but be
Speaker: really there for what they need because they need you.
Speaker: They do.
Speaker: Yeah.
Speaker: That's a really good point.
Speaker: And I think even just being aware of that you need to shift is such a huge part of that.
Speaker: So I love that you bring that up that, you know, it's not just, you can just put your head down and just go through the motions.
Speaker: Right.
Speaker: And you're not actually understanding that actually these things take a different part of our energy.
Speaker: And I, you know, I talk a little bit about the masculine feminine.
Speaker: There's
Speaker: It's not gender.
Speaker: It's we all have masculine and feminine energy.
Speaker: And depending on what you're doing, that takes a different part of the energy and the space that you hold and what you're giving out, right?
Speaker: So understanding that being a mother actually is more on the masculine energy side.
Speaker: And feminine energy is about what we just talked about, which is about the fulfilling up.
Speaker: It's about connecting.
Speaker: If you believe in something bigger than you, that higher power, that higher self and
Speaker: connecting to something that you feel like this is blissful and it's filling me up, but being able to know that you have to have that in order to show up into the more doing masculine energy, the, the supporting, the nurturing that you have to take a moment, even if it's something as simple as sitting in your car, I sit in my car.
Speaker: I live moment.
Speaker: Oh,
Speaker: Sitting there with the sun beaming on you and maybe just doing anything that just kind of... It can be maybe you use social media for the good, which is maybe you turn on a podcast for a minute.
Speaker: Maybe you see a couple posts that really inspire you.
Speaker: And again, just a tiny moment of filling up because you are going to have to pour out.
Speaker: So understanding that work is more the masculine, then you go into the feminine aspect.
Speaker: even if it's for 10 minutes to fill up and then you kind of go to that showing up again.
Speaker: So it's like an infinity symbol.
Speaker: You have to go in and out of both.
Speaker: And it's anything that fills you up.
Speaker: And I think it's what's easiest.
Speaker: The path of least resistance is so important because otherwise you're just not going to do it.
Speaker: We all have our phone in our hand.
Speaker: We're sitting in the car.
Speaker: So something inspirational, something.
Speaker: And there's some really great apps out there too.
Speaker: Like one's called like Pep Talk and stuff like that where you can actually get, you know, but again, if that works for you.
Speaker: And then I like what you said too.
Speaker: I usually do change my clothes.
Speaker: So I am more comfortable.
Speaker: And I'm more in that relaxed place, but I'm actually able to fully show up in that.
Speaker: And I'm trying to think of a couple other really easy.
Speaker: Did you mention you said changing your shoes?
Speaker: I love that one.
Speaker: Yeah, it's a Montessori technique where not just the teacher, but the kids too, you have inside shoes and you have outside shoes.
Speaker: And so when you're coming to school in the morning and you have all the problems that you have at home and whatever's on your mind, and then when you get to school, and as the teacher, but same difference being the mom at home, you literally change your shoes to where anything that's about me,
Speaker: And again, it's not a selfless thing.
Speaker: It's just you do.
Speaker: You're the mom.
Speaker: You're in charge.
Speaker: Your stuff doesn't matter right now.
Speaker: I'm sorry, but it doesn't.
Speaker: Right.
Speaker: You leave in the shoes that you are in.
Speaker: And now I'm here.
Speaker: I'm in the classroom.
Speaker: I'm here for the children.
Speaker: I am here in this role to be a guide and a mentor and to give the kids what they need because this is their time.
Speaker: Yeah.
Speaker: And my shoes will still be there when I leave.
Speaker: My problems will still be waiting when it's over.
Speaker: Yeah.
Speaker: And that's so good.
Speaker: And I think it's about balance to book ending your, your day, you know, your certain periods of time.
Speaker: Like, even for me, when I go when I shift into work, and I've also made my schedule so that I can be there as soon as my kids are out of school.
Speaker: But I also, so I have it in sections, I think, understanding your schedule to this is work, this is kids, and then knowing when to kind of put in that
Speaker: give myself a little space in between and then also bookend it.
Speaker: So when I'm done and I, you know, then they're down to really let myself have the evening that I need and, or, you know, connect with your, your partner, but, but do something that's, you know, it is about filling up so that those times that aren't about you are just, you can do that.
Speaker: Otherwise you're empty, right?
Speaker: Yeah.
Speaker: Yeah, I want to touch one more thing on self-care and then I want to go into boundaries because I'm excited to hear what your take is on the whole boundary thing.
Speaker: There was a Harvard guy named Arthur Brooks and I heard him on a podcast recently and he was talking about how self-care is all kind of, you know, taking a lavender bath and going out to lunch with a friend and not necessarily as good as doing something for others.
Speaker: Yeah.
Speaker: And as someone who overly does stuff for others and forgets about myself, I had a moment where I was like, like, I get it.
Speaker: And doing stuff for others is important and does fill you up and does make you feel happy.
Speaker: But there's that line in between the codependence where you need to do something because that's where you get your power because you know they need you.
Speaker: And you know, it just, it took me back and I just wanted to like call in to the show, be like, I understand where you're going with this and doing something for others just because does make you feel great.
Speaker: You know, I made my kids lunch and I did their laundry through high school.
Speaker: I know they could do it on their own.
Speaker: I know they weren't completely capable, but I knew that they'd open up their lunch boxes or whatever at school and be like, aww.
Speaker: Mom loves me.
Speaker: Right.
Speaker: And even when they're 33, my daughter the other day is like, oh, she would just make me a lunch.
Speaker: You always knew what I wanted.
Speaker: Right.
Speaker: And so it's just it is an act of service.
Speaker: However, he was saying that's more important than the self-care.
Speaker: I've heard that too.
Speaker: And I've had the same response.
Speaker: So you're not alone.
Speaker: Because it applies to different people.
Speaker: So someone that has been more focused on themselves in their life and they haven't experienced really the benefit of service, that would apply more to someone more on our end, which we're coming out and healing from codependence.
Speaker: having narcissistic, you know, people in our lives and, and, and then really losing ourself because of that is abs.
Speaker: We are not confused on service.
Speaker: Okay.
Speaker: Well, we're confused.
Speaker: We look, that's great.
Speaker: We got that part down.
Speaker: So there's two parts.
Speaker: We've, we've mastered the service part.
Speaker: Now we're trying to master the self-care part.
Speaker: So that's why that there was a, a,
Speaker: this response in you that is so important to pay attention to because it's valid and it's, it's okay.
Speaker: And yes, there are two extremes.
Speaker: You can absolutely lose yourself in service.
Speaker: You can absolutely lose service and self-care.
Speaker: Um, but there is a balance here.
Speaker: And I think the reason, obviously, like I just said, that affected you is because of your own wounds and because it's so much harder to serve yourself, right.
Speaker: And to focus on you.
Speaker: And, and one thing I left out earlier is
Speaker: learning to put like a bath.
Speaker: Okay.
Speaker: A bath is my number one go-to.
Speaker: Oh my God.
Speaker: They're the best.
Speaker: Absolutely.
Speaker: Permission to take a bath, like after work and before the kids, I never used to do that.
Speaker: I'm like, that would have been, you know, what, but now, yeah, if I want to take a 2 PM bath, that's what I do.
Speaker: Oh girl.
Speaker: Absolutely.
Speaker: And, and so permission.
Speaker: So what you're talking about is, um, make giving yourself permission to,
Speaker: And knowing that that is actually your healing work is to be doing more self-care and that there's plenty of people that will have something to say about that.
Speaker: But that's one of the reasons we gave it up in the first place, right?
Speaker: Because part of the codependency also is people-pleasing.
Speaker: And they, there are, there are, there's also like a really big giving aspect to that, you know, wound and, and there's the givers and the takers and all the things, right?
Speaker: So you are, I think if you are a giver, then yes, the challenge is going to be more to, to, to give to yourself, to be honest.
Speaker: And I think that that's very valid.
Speaker: Right.
Speaker: So I actually wrote down something.
Speaker: I'm going to quote you back to you again.
Speaker: Self-sacrifice is born from trauma.
Speaker: Right.
Speaker: So being of service is not necessarily always love.
Speaker: So good.
Speaker: Right.
Speaker: I am so wise.
Speaker: I love hearing it from you.
Speaker: Yeah.
Speaker: That's so, that's a really, yeah.
Speaker: Sorry, go ahead.
Speaker: I'll try.
Speaker: No, that it, that it can be a trauma response of, I know in, in my childhood, again, I, you know, we all repeat patterns and we try to heal our wounds of our childhood stuff through our current relationships, whatever.
Speaker: And oh my gosh, watching my daughters do that.
Speaker: Oh, that is quite a mirror.
Speaker: Anyway.
Speaker: Yeah.
Speaker: So seeing how
Speaker: My acts of service or overly taking care of someone else to try to control their mood so that they wouldn't be angry or upset or whatever, and then that wouldn't ruin the entire family's day or my day.
Speaker: That's not an act of service, right?
Speaker: That's a trauma response.
Speaker: And so again, you really have to go deep to understand the differences of what is showing up as love and what is trying to control.
Speaker: And we have those with our kids too.
Speaker: A hundred percent.
Speaker: Yeah.
Speaker: And it really is, if you do the digging of the deeper, what you just said, digging deeper and understanding the nuances of what service really is versus what we're taught it is just by our society in general, right.
Speaker: And culture and all the things that, yeah, we, a lot of us have been conditioned to think that self-sacrifice, the ultimate
Speaker: you know, service.
Speaker: And it's not because you can't sacrifice yourself and be of true service at the same time.
Speaker: And that removes you completely from it.
Speaker: Right.
Speaker: So yes, the trauma response.
Speaker: However, if you grew up in a household while your attachment style is forming and you're going through this, you're, for instance, anxious attachment style is truly about, you
Speaker: Learning how to just cope with your anxiety and oftentimes because you're not getting your knees met sometimes and sometimes you are and you're just trying to figure out how to get through this as a child.
Speaker: And so what you learn to do is just become hyper vigilant about what other people need or what you think they need or if something's just the tiniest bit off.
Speaker: And oftentimes those things are not actually what that person needs.
Speaker: So that's true service is doing sometimes the harder thing.
Speaker: It's actually not making them happy.
Speaker: It's actually challenging them.
Speaker: It's even as a parent, right?
Speaker: We can't please our children all the time.
Speaker: Being of true service to them is being...
Speaker: is honoring yourself.
Speaker: What, you know, even what you just said, you hear this quote, it's off.
Speaker: I want to, I want to agree with you, but there's something in me that's like, no.
Speaker: So self-sacrifice would be, oh, put that aside.
Speaker: This, this person of authority is right.
Speaker: And I'm not right.
Speaker: And that's not right.
Speaker: That's your, you honoring that authentic truth in yourself and then showing up in that way in the world.
Speaker: the greatest service of all, in my opinion.
Speaker: That goes back to, and I would love to hear your take on this.
Speaker: I know that I'm a parent who loves to rescue.
Speaker: I love it.
Speaker: I am the queen of jumping in and let me take care of it before it's a problem.
Speaker: But, you know, when your kids get, especially to the teen years, but at any age, tying their shoes for them, bringing their homework to school for them, rescuing them,
Speaker: not only isn't helpful, but again, you're taking away from them being able to figure out how to take care of themselves.
Speaker: But it's so hard in, again, in our current, because making a mistake is so wrong and so bad and they get so, you know, docked down at school if, you know, they did forget their homework one time.
Speaker: So we feel like we need to rescue to keep them on that path, but it's also not healthy.
Speaker: How do you show up for your boys in that way and not...
Speaker: not over rescue, but also help.
Speaker: What is that online there?
Speaker: It's tempting.
Speaker: I think one of the things I grew up in a household where I was also rescued a lot.
Speaker: And one of the things I learned from that was that the, the uneducated,
Speaker: the hidden message in that is actually that I was not capable of rescuing myself.
Speaker: And so I think like what we're talking about with service, there's different levels of service.
Speaker: Yes, it is one level to show up, bring your children, right?
Speaker: But the higher level of service, the one that's going to probably impact their life in a much greater way is when I let them know that they're, yes, they can, not only can they
Speaker: survive the consequence of this, but they get to learn from it.
Speaker: And then they get to realize that they are capable and stronger than they even imagined because of this mistake.
Speaker: And to me, that lesson is going to serve them much more than
Speaker: the maybe that moment when they don't have, you know, the, the little ding on their home or whatever.
Speaker: It's hard though, because yes, there's a part of us that really pulls that we want to just make it better.
Speaker: And that's, I think it's biological, you know?
Speaker: So, so that work again, there's where that work comes in understanding that there's different levels and being fully conscious of, okay, what am I, what is the message here?
Speaker: The intrinsic message that I am giving my child and what is going to serve my child more
Speaker: which choice should I make here?
Speaker: And in the moment, sometimes that means they're not super happy with you, but in the end, you know what, this moment's going to pass and they're going to be grateful later.
Speaker: They're going to know that to me, I just want to send out, I have two boys and I want to send them out as empowered as I can for them to know that they can, you know, lead this incredible life and that they can lead their own life and, and be really not only successful, but very happy and,
Speaker: feel fulfilled because of that.
Speaker: For sure.
Speaker: And then there's the other piece of, you know, because you also have that age where I'm sure you're driving, driving them everywhere and to friends' houses and to sports and to all the things.
Speaker: And you get those conversations in the car.
Speaker: I love those when they just kind of open up for no reason at all.
Speaker: And this guy did this and then this happened and you just get to hear all this stuff.
Speaker: And one just amazing piece of advice that I got and have keep trying to do is the, do you want me to just listen?
Speaker: fix it or give you advice.
Speaker: And sometimes they do want the advice.
Speaker: They might not always take it, but they want to know, you know, if you are close with them and they appreciate your advice, right?
Speaker: And they know it's worked in the past.
Speaker: They want your advice, but they definitely don't always want you to fix it and take care of it.
Speaker: You know, a lot of times they just need to kind of get it out to a safe place and then they can figure out where they go.
Speaker: So I love that advice for, again, kids of any age.
Speaker: Sometimes they just need to get it out.
Speaker: Absolutely.
Speaker: I love that.
Speaker: And even as a coach in my own life, I have these different hats.
Speaker: So I have to ask that question sometimes to my friends.
Speaker: It gets confusing.
Speaker: So even as a parent, that's a really it's a great place to do that, too.
Speaker: It makes sense.
Speaker: which hat do you want me to wear here?
Speaker: I'll do one.
Speaker: Sometimes you're just like holding it in in your mind.
Speaker: You're like, oh, don't tell them what to do.
Speaker: And one of my little mantras with my kids has always been anything, anytime.
Speaker: If you need me, I will be there.
Speaker: I don't care what it is on what day.
Speaker: My son was down in Venice and his car got towed.
Speaker: And guess who came to help him to go to the place?
Speaker: And here's your credit card, darling, to get your car out of the thing.
Speaker: But I showed up.
Speaker: You know, you need to call me.
Speaker: I am there no matter what.
Speaker: And having those, you know, that foundation so that he can go and do whatever he needs to do.
Speaker: But he knows if he needs me, I will be there 100%.
Speaker: That's amazing.
Speaker: And I love, again, talking about intrinsic messages, the way that our kids are able to then internalize those things is so incredible, like that they're
Speaker: you know, I am worth being shown up for, I am worth showing up for, right?
Speaker: And that's, so doing those things is such a beautiful way to model for them to then internalize those things.
Speaker: Just like we internalize the negative, that harsh critical voice came from somewhere, right?
Speaker: So it's the same thing.
Speaker: It's a beautiful model.
Speaker: It really, it is just because you're right.
Speaker: Anything that they hear growing up just becomes their inner voice.
Speaker: And the concept of, and I think it's falling aside and I hope it's just completely gone, but that we need to tough them up at home so that they can deal with tough critics outside in the world.
Speaker: I find to be absolutely the opposite.
Speaker: know how amazing they are and loved and, you know, supported and all those things.
Speaker: So that when they have something hard happen to them, they're like, yeah, no, that's not right.
Speaker: I know I'm amazing.
Speaker: I, you know, I know my parents have my back.
Speaker: I'm not going to take that behavior.
Speaker: Thank you very much.
Speaker: And they're not looking for love in all the wrong places.
Speaker: They love themselves enough to know,
Speaker: that's not right.
Speaker: I'm amazing.
Speaker: I totally agree with you.
Speaker: And I think those toughen up things become trauma.
Speaker: And so, no, it's not helpful in that way, in my opinion.
Speaker: I think...
Speaker: what you're saying is so true that in order to help them distinguish what is okay and not okay, and to understand what does love look like?
Speaker: What does, you know, what is showing up for myself look like?
Speaker: What does accountability look like?
Speaker: All these things they're learning.
Speaker: And then they take that out.
Speaker: And, and yeah, I think that's, it sets you up to, to launch yourself even more.
Speaker: And the same thing with relationships, by the way, when you have a really healthy, you know, just,
Speaker: loving, happy relationship, that also is one of the foundations that people can use to then launch into the world and go further than if they're in a really painful, chaotic relationship.
Speaker: It can actually affect our life in all areas.
Speaker: So...
Speaker: In all the ways.
Speaker: Absolutely.
Speaker: Okay.
Speaker: So let's jump into boundaries a little bit.
Speaker: I love Brene Brown's way of saying like, this is what's okay.
Speaker: And this is what's not okay.
Speaker: And it's really honestly just that simple, you know, for me shouting or yelling near me, not okay.
Speaker: Deal breaker, not going to happen.
Speaker: And then there's the step two, which is if that happens, I'm going to remove myself.
Speaker: I'm going to write so you're not just telling somebody where your line is.
Speaker: And your line can be whatever your line is right there.
Speaker: It goes back to what your needs are.
Speaker: You get to pick whatever is OK and what's not OK.
Speaker: But then what are you going to do about it if someone tries to cross your boundary?
Speaker: Yes.
Speaker: One of the most important parts of boundaries, especially and challenging, especially as a codependent or recovering codependent is actually enforcing the consequence.
Speaker: Right.
Speaker: And because that enforcement of the consequence is reinforcing your own value and your own worth.
Speaker: which when you fully grasp that, you will reflect that in your relationships.
Speaker: And you're also informing them, yeah, what you are worth and what your value is.
Speaker: And sometimes people need to see that and understand that.
Speaker: So that's a huge part of the boundaries.
Speaker: I feel like it's easier to know what they are, but then to actually follow through.
Speaker: If you say this is, I'm going to remove myself of this, if you cross this line and this boundary, that can be really hard, right?
Speaker: Yeah.
Speaker: In a relationship, as a parent, that's different, but you know,
Speaker: Enforcing consequences as a parent is also important, but that's not.
Speaker: Yeah.
Speaker: But no, it is scary in a, in a love relationship because they could be like, yeah, I'm not doing that.
Speaker: And then that's that.
Speaker: And you're like, Oh God, I said I would do this and now you're going to follow through, but you'll find on the other side of that is honestly the, if you can, if you can get through that and be strong enough, cause that's really difficult to just take that stand for yourself and
Speaker: then you will, on the other side of that, you will start to magnetize people that also do that.
Speaker: And that is really powerful stuff.
Speaker: It's really powerful.
Speaker: Boundaries are like magical.
Speaker: They really are.
Speaker: And they actually, it is with kids too, because kids can get, they can pick up some bad habits of talking bad to you or not treating you with respect or whatever.
Speaker: And so it is a hard thing, but to be like, you know what?
Speaker: I'm going to take a step.
Speaker: I'd like you to try that again.
Speaker: I'm sorry, but I'm not going to let you talk to me that way.
Speaker: I love you so much.
Speaker: Let's try that again.
Speaker: Right.
Speaker: And you might have to do that like three times and they'll kick and scream and whatever.
Speaker: But it is honestly that what's okay and what's not okay.
Speaker: Yeah.
Speaker: And being consistent with that so that because kids have a way of pushing and testing and trying to find a hole somewhere, right?
Speaker: So true.
Speaker: So it's a great practice for us as adults to work on our consistency and to work on continuously, you know, our actions are backing up our words.
Speaker: Again, really great models to them.
Speaker: And it's so important to let your kids know that
Speaker: that, you know, what is okay and what is not okay, what is acceptable for you, how to be treated and what is not.
Speaker: And these are all such valuable lessons that they're watching us teach them is really the reality of that.
Speaker: And again, they're watching everything.
Speaker: They hear everything.
Speaker: They feel everything.
Speaker: I know all the time.
Speaker: Yes, all the things.
Speaker: Yeah.
Speaker: All the things.
Speaker: Okay.
Speaker: So I want to touch on something that's a big deal, not just for everyone these days, but definitely for kids.
Speaker: And that's the concept of anxiety.
Speaker: I think social media is doing such a big deal in a good way of let us all be aware that anxiety
Speaker: Mental health can be something that we work on.
Speaker: It doesn't have, we all have emotions, right?
Speaker: We're going to have good days and bad days and we're going to have all these things and how you get out of it or deal with it is really the thing.
Speaker: But you also hear so many, Oh, I have anxiety disorder because I felt anxious, you know, this many times.
Speaker: And it can be,
Speaker: It doesn't have to be a disorder just because you're feeling anxiety, right?
Speaker: And so I just heard this amazing thing about how anxiety actually is where you know you can't predict what's happening, right?
Speaker: So like my son is actually waiting right now to hear a school he's transferring into for colleges.
Speaker: I cannot control his acceptances to college, right?
Speaker: So I'm feeling a little anxiety about what's going to happen.
Speaker: However, it can be...
Speaker: You can go to excitement of what could happen, or you can go to worst case scenario of what could happen that way.
Speaker: And so anxiety can actually be a tool that you're like, okay, I feel this, I understand.
Speaker: And then all those things we talked about of the awareness and then kind of driving out of that skid of having it, it doesn't stop you.
Speaker: Right?
Speaker: Like if it's fear, if it's old school fear, you're done, right?
Speaker: You're, I'm too scared.
Speaker: I'm not doing it.
Speaker: I'm out.
Speaker: But anxiety, if we kind of reframe it as the excitement of what could happen, then it's not this thing that just stops us in our tracks.
Speaker: What's your two cents on that?
Speaker: Yes, I agree with that.
Speaker: I think anxiety is a gift.
Speaker: And I think it is, again, a signal that, you know, that we're given when
Speaker: We are about to step into something out of our comfort zone or unknown or the unknown is the big part, right?
Speaker: And that's, guess what?
Speaker: That's where all of growth is.
Speaker: That's where all of healing is.
Speaker: That's where all of expansion in our life is.
Speaker: So yeah.
Speaker: It's almost like a signal that you're on the right track, keep going.
Speaker: It could also be a signal that you need to do what we talked about earlier, which is a little bit more self-care.
Speaker: But no matter what, it's talking to us.
Speaker: And we don't want to fight anxiety.
Speaker: The second we start to fight it, it fights back, right?
Speaker: So we want to welcome it.
Speaker: We want to ask it questions.
Speaker: Be like, hmm, what are you trying?
Speaker: What is this about?
Speaker: And start to get curious.
Speaker: That curiosity is...
Speaker: actually makes friends with the anxiety.
Speaker: And then what you're saying, it could then become excitement.
Speaker: It can become something else.
Speaker: And as long as it doesn't stop you.
Speaker: And the key to that is not believing the thoughts all the time.
Speaker: So
Speaker: Start to, like there's Byron Katie, there's a bunch of people that do thought work, which is start to question those thoughts that are causing you anxiety, right?
Speaker: So again, that curiosity.
Speaker: And then understand that oftentimes those aren't fully, those aren't real, those aren't true.
Speaker: And they're just...
Speaker: happening because of what you just said, which is, I don't know the future.
Speaker: So I'm going to start to try to grab onto certainty.
Speaker: And we can't really do that.
Speaker: So understanding that it's okay, that the thoughts are not, you can watch them pass by like on a luggage rack.
Speaker: You don't have to pick them up and play with them, but you can pick better feeling thoughts, right?
Speaker: So if you have a choice, like what you just said, well, this could go this way or this could, right?
Speaker: But not the worst case scenario.
Speaker: So
Speaker: Choose which thoughts you do want to pick up.
Speaker: And then oftentimes that's a great path forward out of the anxiety into something different.
Speaker: For sure.
Speaker: And then it also, you know, that anxiety, you get that flood of hormones that goes through your system.
Speaker: So you have a little bit of dopamine, which helps you to, you know, propel forward.
Speaker: And then you also, I guess, get some oxytocin at that time.
Speaker: And so if you can find someone, you know, as a mom to be there for your kids or in a relationship that can go through it with you, can talk through it with you, someone that you trust to come together and, you
Speaker: Yeah.
Speaker: But wouldn't it again, like you were saying future self, you know, maybe my future self will look back and go, wow, good job.
Speaker: You know, I understand that you felt that, but that again, I agree with you that it can just be a gift, right?
Speaker: It doesn't have to be this thing that just stops us.
Speaker: It doesn't have to be this thing.
Speaker: Oh, I have anxiety.
Speaker: I know it's a good thing.
Speaker: Again, get curious, write it out.
Speaker: What's best case scenario.
Speaker: Yeah.
Speaker: And that anxiety it's, it's, it, yeah, again, it's there for a reason.
Speaker: There's
Speaker: it has a purpose in our life.
Speaker: So starting to befriend it and understand that it's not, I know it's uncomfortable.
Speaker: Don't get me wrong.
Speaker: I know it can be like torture, but that's a lot of the time because we're fighting it and we're like, we don't, I don't want to feel it.
Speaker: And then, then this vortex, you know, this, this spiral starts to happen.
Speaker: So just catch yourself in the spiral and, and, and start to be curious with it, start to interact with it instead of fight it.
Speaker: And then it does become this incredible impact.
Speaker: inner kind of guide along with other things in us, you know, that show us how to move forward.
Speaker: And what you just said was so important, co-regulating, um, huge tool to, to help you cope with anxiety, regulate your nervous system.
Speaker: Same, same, um, goal as before co-regulating, especially with other moms that's gotten me through so many things.
Speaker: So my, you know, even with my, my husband used to be gone on location all the time and I would have friends,
Speaker: Come over almost every night and just sit with me when they didn't have kids yet.
Speaker: So it was easier than kids really young.
Speaker: And then just having that space and time.
Speaker: Or now I have moms, friends that have a lot younger than I do.
Speaker: And then remembering how I felt at that time, going on a hike and just talking, letting them talk and vent that out.
Speaker: is one of the most helpful ways to deal with that.
Speaker: But yeah.
Speaker: It is magic.
Speaker: I totally agree.
Speaker: I totally agree.
Speaker: And you can co-regulate with your kids too.
Speaker: You know, when you see they're having big feelings and there's lots going on.
Speaker: One of my tricks was always add water, you know, put some warm water in the sink with some bubbles and let them like play in there and they'll start, it'll start coming out or put them in the bath.
Speaker: And I used to sit on the toilet in the bathroom with the kids in the bathtub for hours.
Speaker: Just let them,
Speaker: you know, do whatever.
Speaker: And some of that still come out.
Speaker: So yeah, you can do it with other moms.
Speaker: You can do it with the partner.
Speaker: If they're available, you can do it with kids.
Speaker: You can do it with a pet.
Speaker: My dog is fabulous at co-regulating, right?
Speaker: Just feeling the breathing of, of your head and then add nature.
Speaker: You're absolutely right.
Speaker: That's.
Speaker: And, and movement, right?
Speaker: So anything,
Speaker: You can just move the energy through your body.
Speaker: Sometimes it's literally just stuck in your, and you just needs to move.
Speaker: And it can be as simple as that.
Speaker: A nice walk or yoga, whatever you do, your weights, heavy weightlifting, boxing, anything.
Speaker: No kickboxing.
Speaker: Absolutely.
Speaker: I don't want to keep you too long, but your advice is just amazing.
Speaker: So again, I'm so appreciative of your time.
Speaker: So let me just jump into my last two little mom questions.
Speaker: Cause you are a mom as well.
Speaker: From a.
Speaker: Grandma, unconditional love place.
Speaker: Was there a piece of advice that you got from anyone in your life that really helped you as a mom?
Speaker: So just a good piece of advice that worked for you that you could pass along to other moms coming up behind you.
Speaker: Oh gosh, there's so many, but I think the thing for me personally, because I have, you know, struggled with perfectionism for so long and feeling like I have to be perfect at something I've never experienced.
Speaker: known to, right?
Speaker: Like until we're in it, we don't know how to do it.
Speaker: There's going to be plenty of mistakes.
Speaker: And I didn't really ever experience being
Speaker: you know, someone taking responsibility or just acknowledging that there was a mistake made that kids are very egocentric.
Speaker: They take everything on as their own fault or because of them, right?
Speaker: It's hard for them to understand that this isn't about me that we try, you know, when we do the inner work, we're like, oh, it's not personal.
Speaker: It is personal to kids.
Speaker: So for me, the advice was, it's okay to say, okay, I really didn't like how I handled that.
Speaker: I'm so sorry.
Speaker: Can I try that again?
Speaker: And whoa, the level of freedom that I have felt when I have done that of not having to be perfect, showing my kids I'm not perfect, and then restarting and then not letting it stop me, but actually showing up in a better way.
Speaker: Oh, it's the best feeling.
Speaker: And I thought the fear was, oh, they're going to lose respect for me or they're going to see me in a different light.
Speaker: But they don't.
Speaker: They have been so forgiving every time I've done that.
Speaker: They're like, of course,
Speaker: go ahead.
Speaker: And it's almost like they're relieved when I take on that responsibility and that accountability.
Speaker: So that's probably my favorite.
Speaker: That repair phase is absolutely huge.
Speaker: And again, it's all about awareness that you knew that you messed up.
Speaker: And yeah, I am so sorry.
Speaker: And treating them as people, you know, they are little people.
Speaker: They're not just your, you know, kids that you could tote around, but they're little people that have all their own feelings.
Speaker: So apologizing and reconnecting and resetting is just, yeah.
Speaker: And I see it too as like taking a burden off their shoulders that I accidentally put on that.
Speaker: With the iceberg moments we talked about earlier, like maybe that was more about my iceberg than it was about this little tiny incident.
Speaker: So I'm.
Speaker: It actually is okay to spill milk.
Speaker: I'm the one who has more going on.
Speaker: So just delete that.
Speaker: Oops, sorry.
Speaker: Okay, the last question is a favorite memory.
Speaker: So if this was a time capsule and your boys got to listen to it in 10 years or 20 years, is there a moment where...
Speaker: the family was just together and it was just the most amazing.
Speaker: And even if it's just the five minutes, because we all know like an Instagram culture, sometimes right after you take the picture, it completely melts down, right?
Speaker: That's the truth of it.
Speaker: But you were just like, oh, I love being a mom.
Speaker: The four of us are here together.
Speaker: Is there something you can share?
Speaker: You know what?
Speaker: I'm going to go with the most recent one, which although my husband could not join us,
Speaker: It was, I took, I was able to, with my, my mother and sister and the women in our family, able to take my two boys to Africa and be, so when I was nine, I was taken there, which Africa and being in the wild and being in harmony with everything in its natural state.
Speaker: And then also seeing how other people live in the world.
Speaker: It changed my life when I was nine.
Speaker: So I always made this decision that I'm going to do that.
Speaker: I want to do that for my kids.
Speaker: And it just all unfolded this last summer.
Speaker: And it was the most beautiful.
Speaker: I just was like, just sitting in every moment.
Speaker: And I was so, and then of course they learned different things than I did and they had their own experience, but just me being able to do something like that and help just be in the present moment with them in that way was such a beautiful experience.
Speaker: And
Speaker: My favorite favorite, of course, is when we're all together, but that was the way it unfolded.
Speaker: And it ended up being, it's a good example of how, when I make plans and then those kind of get, you know, that saying, when you make plans, God laughs.
Speaker: And then you, what actually is supposed to unfolds.
Speaker: And if you can stay unattached, I think as a parent and attached to what you think should happen, and then you're open to what is actually happening, it really is a
Speaker: you can be fully present in that moment and it's such a beautiful thing.
Speaker: So I would have to say that that is the highlight.
Speaker: There's so many, but we've called our kids and we lived throughout Asia for a couple of years.
Speaker: And I think it's so interesting that,
Speaker: Their takeaways are different than your takeaways, especially when you're in a completely different place, you know, and you're like, oh, do you remember this time?
Speaker: And it was the best.
Speaker: And they're like, yeah, no, that was not the best.
Speaker: But do you remember this time?
Speaker: And so, yeah, again, they're little people and they're having their own experiences and and leaving our country or even leaving your country.
Speaker: You know, going camping for the weekend or just like a new perspective of anything in your life can really just open up everything.
Speaker: Yeah, that has been the key throughout my journey as a mother is putting myself in these new experiences, exploring things in a way.
Speaker: that I wouldn't be doing without them.
Speaker: Right.
Speaker: So, and, and, and having that, like moving locations with my husband and being in these new States when they were little enough, I wanted to keep us together.
Speaker: And I'm like, all right, we're just going to explore every corner of this place.
Speaker: And now we're going to explore this place.
Speaker: And it was, it, they of course ended up teaching me through that.
Speaker: Cause I'm like, this is,
Speaker: how you are present and this is how you experience and then watching that through their eyes and then learning, relearning, because we forget as adults, right?
Speaker: Children are just the most amazing teachers.
Speaker: So that's what you're saying, putting yourself in those places, those little microcosms of adventures doesn't have to be huge.
Speaker: It can be simple.
Speaker: And it's, there's so much to gain from that in so many ways.
Speaker: Yeah.
Speaker: So true.
Speaker: Your knowledge is amazing.
Speaker: Thank you so much.
Speaker: If someone is finding that they'd like to work with you, how could they find you or how do we find you on Instagram?
Speaker: What's the way that we can get in touch?
Speaker: Yes.
Speaker: Okay.
Speaker: So my Instagram is at coach Jen Wolf and that's with an E and that's two N's.
Speaker: So J E N N W O L F E.
Speaker: at coach Jen Wolf.
Speaker: And then there's TikTok.
Speaker: If anyone does TikTok, it's same thing at coach Jen Wolf.
Speaker: And then my website is jenniferwolfinc.com.
Speaker: Again, Wolf is with an E. And there's
Speaker: You know, you can apply on there to work with me as far as coaching.
Speaker: We're doing a speaking of Africa and Africa retreat in this coming up this summer that is going to be incredible.
Speaker: A really just immersive experience for eight days to just really.
Speaker: jumpstart the healing in your life or get yourself to the next level, get yourself unstuck, whatever it is you're looking for.
Speaker: And, um, coaching.
Speaker: I also, I do couples, I do individual and then I do groups.
Speaker: So, um, that's, that's awesome.
Speaker: Yeah.
Speaker: And it'll, I'll be in the show notes.
Speaker: I'll put all the links down there.
Speaker: So it's an easy way to, to find.
Speaker: Okay.
Speaker: Well, thank you so much.
Speaker: I really appreciate you so much and all of your wisdom and knowledge.
Speaker: Thank you.
Speaker: Such a pleasure.
Speaker: Thank you.
Speaker: Thank you so much for having me.
