Become a Creator today!Start creating today - Share your story with the world!
Start for free
00:00:00
00:00:01
EP5: Mental Wealth in your Community with Kim Murray
57 Plays1 year ago
In this episode on Mental Wealth in Your Community, we have the pleasure of welcoming Kim Murray, a renowned meditation teacher and the founder of Happy Heads. Kim's expertise lies in promoting mental well-being through mindfulness and meditation practices. In this insightful discussion, she sheds light on the significance of prioritising mental wealth for all types of parents and caregivers.
Kim emphasises that as parents or caregivers, it's crucial to acknowledge and nurture our own mental well-being, as we play a vital role in supporting the emotional health of those under our care. She shares practical techniques and invaluable tips to enhance mental wealth, offering listeners valuable insights and actionable steps to implement in their daily lives.
Throughout the episode, Kim discusses various mindfulness practices that can be integrated seamlessly into a busy parent's routine. She highlights the transformative power of mindfulness meditation and explains how it can help manage stress, cultivate resilience, and foster healthier relationships within the family unit.
Tune in to this enlightening conversation with Kim Murray to discover how you can cultivate mental wealth, prioritise self-care, and support the well-being of both yourself and your loved ones.
Recommended
Transcript
Introduction and Excitement
00:00:03
Speaker
Thank you all for listening to FYI the Back to Story podcast. This is episode number five. I'm Natalie Mayron, I'm the Brand Experience Director of Back to Story, and I'm so excited about the conversation today. So let's jump right into
Mental Health Focus and Community
00:00:15
Speaker
it. We wanna cover topics that are important to our team members and our industry. And what might be surprising is this isn't always about food. Today, we're gonna continue the conversation about mental health. So instead of looking inwards, we're gonna start looking outwards, and we're gonna be focusing on the mental health within our communities.
00:00:31
Speaker
When we talk about communities today, we're going to talk about it in many a different way. So we're going to talk about it from a parental perspective, and that could be grandparents or actual parents themselves, but also around wider communities such as caregiving. So please forgive us if we use the word parent a bit too much. We are trying to make sure that we're inclusive here and referring to all.
Happy Heads and Kim Murray's Mission
00:00:49
Speaker
So what's really important for us to understand is that mental health is not just exclusive to one, it can affect us all. And that's why I'm so excited to introduce Kim Murray from Happy Heads today. Kim is a woman on a mission to make sure that everybody has a happy head. And I think that's a really big goal, Kim, but a really important one in the current state of play of what we're living in or experiencing at the moment as well.
00:01:11
Speaker
So when we first met, well not met, when we first spoke on the phone, we could have had a conversation for absolutely hours, but hopefully this podcast will be about 30 minutes, so hopefully it'll be fine. But I'm really keen for you just to kind of give the listeners a bit of insight into your why, and you know, Happy Heads is quite a personal journey, and so how you landed it, where you landed it. Yeah, it is. Firstly, thank you so much for having me. Thank you. I mean, I could talk about mental health literally all day. So yeah, how did I start my journey? So seven years ago,
00:01:40
Speaker
I had complete burnout in a very, very toxic workplace. And essentially burnout is where your whole nervous system, essentially it stops functioning. So anxiety leads into severe anxiety, and then severe anxiety leads into depression. So complete burnout. I couldn't tell my left and my right. I couldn't, I was having panic attacks. I couldn't get my words out right. I was deeply depressed by that point.
00:02:07
Speaker
A doctor signed me off and two of my friends had done something called the Hoffman process. I don't know if you've ever heard about this. I have heard a little bit, but I'm not an expert.
Childhood Experiences and Mental Health
00:02:18
Speaker
So it's essentially a transformational retreat for your mind. It's seven days. They take your mobile phone away and you're deeply working on many different things. You're working on, of course, present day things. People are going in there for different reasons. But you also work on work to process your childhood.
00:02:37
Speaker
because your childhood, and that's why it's really interesting that we're talking about parenting and children today, is that your childhood forms the foundation of your mental health. It basically forms a blueprint for who you believe you are and how you see the world around you. So it's really, really essential quite often when we're having a really strong reaction to something in the present day to go back to our past and see why this is kind of triggering us.
00:03:05
Speaker
And for me, when I was seven, my dad very sadly took his own life. So, and this was something I wasn't able to process. I wasn't given tools to process. Quite often children aren't, you know, even today, let alone, you know, turning 40 this year. So this was a lot. I love you. This was a long, long time ago.
00:03:27
Speaker
And so I was able to finally grieve for my dad, finally process that grief, but also completely overcome my anxiety and depression. So when I came out of that, and it has, I mean, I won't say too much, because if anyone wants to do it, I really recommend it.
00:03:42
Speaker
but you have many different things on the process and a lot of them is guided meditation, visualization, lots of different techniques, movement work, all kinds of things. So I came out of there and I realized that I am in the role, I used to work in marketing and events. So I was like, this is not what I wanna do. I want to help people nurture their mental health and wellbeing, but I don't just wanna focus on adults, I wanna also specialise in children and families. So whilst I completely retrained to be a connected kids tutor,
00:04:12
Speaker
So I recommend any parent looking that up, Connected Kids, it's incredible. Lorraine Murray is the woman that taught me. She wrote a book called Calm Kids and Connected Kids, which is specifically for children on the spectrum. And it was during my training that she did something called tapping to help me overcome my fear of putting myself out there, or to help everyone overcome their fear. And it was incredible.
00:04:35
Speaker
I was like, oh my God, I realised what my fear was and where it had come from. So I completely retrained to become an emotional freedom technique practitioner, which is also known as tapping. And then I started Happy Heads. And that was seven years ago. Kim, there's a lot to unpack in that as well. And I think you
Pandemic's Impact on Children's Mental Health
00:04:53
Speaker
make a really important point that as children, we're not taught how to deal with grief.
00:04:56
Speaker
And actually, we are, you know, the old sort of saying, you know, you kind of just kind of take a stiff upper lip sort of thing is kind of really changing. And the importance of encouraging children to probably have some of those vulnerable conversations as well is really important to try and be able to deal with some of that sort of stuff as we kind of move forward. Yeah.
00:05:12
Speaker
I'm not sure if you're kind of along the same side as me, but the pandemic sort of feels like a long time ago. It's weird, right? It feels like it was ages ago and then only yesterday. I think everyone is in a little bit of like time. A state of moment of things as well.
00:05:28
Speaker
And actually some of the things that you talk about there, you know, around the children and actually the impact, and I think we'll come back onto it later in unpacking that, is actually the impact of the pandemic on children's mental health. And as you say, you know, your mental health state is formed in your childhood years. And so the impact probably that's going to last on the generation.
00:05:45
Speaker
you know, a really formative generation for us as a kind of a world, I suppose, is going to be really interesting. Yeah. I suppose I just kind of wanted to kind of come into a bit about how habits have changed at an exponential rate. So something that has been really prevalent to me has been about the active conversation about needing to be a present parent now moving forward and how parents are able to support their children, but also be able to support themselves as well. And parental burnout, essentially, and your whole journey started with a burnout journey as well.
00:06:15
Speaker
And I haven't, I was going to say this at the moment, but you talked earlier when we were kind of setting up for this about what burnout actually is. And I just wondered if you might be able to define that a little bit. Yeah, good question. So burnout is essentially a state of complete physical
00:06:29
Speaker
and mental exhaustion caused by prolonged and excessive stress. And I think traditionally we think of burnout as just in the workplace, excuse me, and of course it can be the workplace because naturally lots of jobs are really stressful.
Understanding Parental Burnout
00:06:45
Speaker
But it's not just that, it encompasses every part of your life. So it's essentially if at any part of your life life just becomes too overwhelming, maybe you've lost a loved one or you're going through a divorce or you're
00:06:58
Speaker
don't know, maybe you just had kids, for example, and then work is also really stressful, that's all going to play a part in potentially you burning out. So it's essentially when your nervous system is on constant high alert. That's essentially what it is.
00:07:13
Speaker
And then there's kind of a definition that sits around parental burnout being kind of defined by four different things. So the experiencing of physical or emotional exhaustion or both, quite obvious from a parent perspective, the feeling of shame around parenting as well, about whether you're a good enough parent and the feeling of feeling overwhelmed or fed up with the role that you're taking on and that emotionally disconnected to kind of feeling from children sometimes just because of burnout.
00:07:38
Speaker
and actually that balance of workplace burnout where people expect it to be and parental burnout is something that sits there. As someone that's working in this space, you know, you do a lot of work supporting parents and children. How have you seen this conversation grow? Well, I think that the conversation around mental health is way more open now than it's ever been, which is
00:08:06
Speaker
really really good like you know you've already been you know you can you we can quickly kind of find out these stats about how bad children's mental health is at the moment you know the increasing rates of anxiety and uh the increasing rates in depression or self-harm or whatever it might be so i think the conversation now is way more open and that is kind of how
00:08:28
Speaker
It's evolving. The pandemic was an interesting one because I think it was 100% the tale of two halves. It was, on the one hand, parents finding it completely overwhelming that their children are coming in on Zoom calls or they're like, I have a three-year-old, she's three and a half, and my little boy is 16 months. I can verify you cannot work when you have kids that young. It's not possible.
00:08:58
Speaker
So that was really challenging and really difficult. And of course, no childcare just means that you just can't do your job. But then on the other hand, you are able to, you know, parents were able to have such a better balance. They were able to see their children more, always be there for bedtime and bath time. And the flexible working was essential for their mental health and wellbeing. So I think the conversation is way more open now. The pandemic just also re-highlighted
00:09:28
Speaker
something that we need to focus on. Because like you said, it impacted everyone, both children and adults, and very much depending on the age. So my little girl was only three months. So actually for us, we thought it was wonderful. Incredible moment to have that special time that you might not have had before. Yeah, for our experience, it was really positive. My partner couldn't work, he works in TV and advertising, and he had all this time with his little girl.
00:09:53
Speaker
But if you have children, say, there are some really kind of formative years, so like seven years old, or the teenage years, teens, my little niece was a teen through this as well, I think, had a really big impact. She didn't even get a leave as due before she went on to secondary school. They started school and everyone was in masks. So I think it is,
00:10:15
Speaker
it opened it up more just because of what everyone was having to go through. So it wasn't just normally it was about mobile phones and social media. Now it was, how is this isolation impacting our children?
Emotional Intelligence in Schools
00:10:29
Speaker
So I think that is how the conversation has changed. We're more
00:10:35
Speaker
open to talk about mental health. Even when you're choosing schools and nurseries now, you can see if emotional intelligence or emotions and feelings are part of their curriculum. Whereas we never had that. You know, you have schools now, most schools will have Senko teacher. It's a special educational needs coordinator. So children on the spectrum of being
00:10:58
Speaker
Diagnosed and supported more regularly. So that's opening the conversation It's not now, you know taboo to say oh my child has ADHD or they're struggling with anxiety I think we still have like so we still have such a long way to go. Yeah, but I think the conversations are Yeah, they're opening up more and even like you said when parents coming up to talk to me afterwards they're saying
00:11:22
Speaker
stuff like, oh, my child is feeling anxious, or, you know, they're really struggling with their, you know, their focus or their, you know, I think parents are becoming aware. And I think, and I, sorry, just tell me if I'm not, I'm rambling too much, but I think neuroscience helps us. So not only is the topic of mental health not as, not as taboo, but neuroscience can show us now how things impact a child's developing brain.
00:11:52
Speaker
And it also shows us how incredible mindfulness and tapping are for improving your mental health. So I think, so for example, there's an incredible book called The Whole Brain Child, which I really recommend any parent getting. And it talks to you about child brain development and the things that you can do as a parent to support that. Our parents would have never had that.
00:12:13
Speaker
they would have never had any of these resources. So I think if you are a mindful parent and you really want to help support your children, there are resources out there now.
00:12:23
Speaker
help educate you and they just weren't there. I'm really interested in you talk about kind of it being on the curriculum for schools etc I think it goes to show that it's not all on just the parent shoulders as well there are other experts that are there to identify to help to support and to kind of help educate as well and so I think when you talk about parental burnout sometimes it can feel like it's all on you and it's about knowing that there are other support resources out there.
00:12:47
Speaker
You know, if I think about, you know, parental burnout is one thing, but one of the most important things that you therefore do is take some time to try and look after yourself. And in probably traditional workspace burnout, you would be able to say, actually, I'm going to be, I'm going to go to the doctor. I'm going to be signed off. I'm going to take some time out. I'm going to find some ways to kind of be able to deal with something. Whereas actually, a parent doesn't get the opportunity to switch off. You know, they're forever a parent. And there is no, there is no off switch.
00:13:15
Speaker
Some crazy facts, around 60% of parents do nothing to look after their own wellbeing and their own state of health. And actually, I read a really fantastic analogy from a mum on LinkedIn the other day.
00:13:27
Speaker
where she talked about the airplane effect. So if you sat on the airplane when they're doing the safety briefing, that oxygen mask is coming down, the first thing they say is that you can't help anybody unless you help yourself first. So you have to put that oxygen mask on yourself. And actually how, you know, what's your device to parents who are in that moment, who are in that parental burnout moment saying, I can't handle this and actually thinking,
00:13:49
Speaker
it's
Parental Self-Care and Child Support
00:13:50
Speaker
easy just to not try and do anything, to say stop and have a focus on yourself, first of all, because that's really gonna help the situation in the long run. Well, do you know what? I think it's a really hard one. I think firstly, don't think of it as parental burnout, just think of it as burnout. I'm just feeling burnt out, I'm doing too many things right now. And when you think of, so I think now's an important thing, important time to highlight co-regulation.
00:14:16
Speaker
So for a child, an important part of your brain when thinking about child brain development is your prefrontal cortex. This is your brain's ability to self-regulate your emotions. And this isn't fully developed until you're 25 years old. Okay, so your brain isn't fully developed until you're 25 years old. Children are unable to regulate their emotions. They need us as parents, they need our nervous system.
00:14:40
Speaker
to help them self-regulate. So this is why children have meltdowns. This is why they have tantrums. And as parents, especially parents of, well, actually for any age, this can often be like one of the hardest, you know, one of the most challenging things to do.
00:14:56
Speaker
So rather than look at self-care as a nice to have, and I think this is something that is really important to change for anyone, whether you're a parent or not, it's not. It is essential. Your mental health needs to be an absolute top priority because if your mental health doesn't work, doesn't function, you can't do anything in life. You can't be a good parent. You can't be a good CEO. You can't be a good...
00:15:18
Speaker
whatever, you know, whatever you want, everything else is harder. And so rather than think of it as in, oh, I'm being like, I think this is unfortunately, especially if we talked about this from a generational perspective, like, oh, it's like, oh, it's a bit, you know, a bit indulgent to like focus on my self care. It's essential. And if you want a happy child, and if you want to help your children build a strong mental health and wellbeing, then you need to prioritise your mental health.
00:15:48
Speaker
because you can't help them do it if you don't look after your own. And you're also not setting an example at the end of the day for them. And as you say, you know, you learn very early what you should be doing. Exactly. And this is the thing. So children, well, two things. So brain fact, really important to remember. The other thing is that children from a very young age start to mirror the brain of their parent. So when you think about it in that way,
00:16:11
Speaker
It's everything. Looking after your mental health as a parent is essential for your child's brain development. I think that's a really good way of thinking about it. It's essential.
00:16:25
Speaker
And yeah, and like you said, sorry, going back to the behaviour, is that they see what we do. There's no point, and I'll put it in, I'll explain it this way. So let's say, this is probably an extreme example back in the day when everyone smoked. You can't be like, don't smoke, but then your parents smoking in front of you. But they're saying to you, oh yeah, but don't smoke, smoking's bad for you. You can't see what I'm doing, guys, but I'm pretending to smoke. I don't smoke, by the way.
00:16:47
Speaker
um it doesn't work right that's quite that's quite a big example you see a child being like that's really a confusing message because you're doing it and it's the same with everything so you can't tell a child to be confident like you know really love your body really love who you are don't feel anxious if you don't feel those things if you don't truly love the body that you have if you don't
00:17:10
Speaker
nurture your mind if you don't validate your emotions, you know, if you don't name your emotions. So I think, I think for parents, we need to almost think of not like, it's crazy, right? Because you don't think about physical health in this way, do we? It's not like you go, Oh, oh, oh, yeah, we don't need to like,
00:17:30
Speaker
It's obvious that you need to look after your physical health, right? Do you know what? I had a really lovely group of OAP neighbours that lived next to me, and I never forget Coral saying to me that we service our cars every year. We would never put diesel into a petrol car. We would, you know, vice versa.
00:17:51
Speaker
You know, we have MOTs that happen, but we just don't do that for ourselves. And it's so fascinating that we invest all that time, effort, and money in an object, but we won't be here if we don't have our best self at the end of the day.
Teaching Mental Health Skills to Children
00:18:05
Speaker
It's something that's probably really sort of sat with me as well. Yeah, exactly. And I think, and this is something, so we teach our children to eat. We help them teach them to walk. We teach them to how to dress themselves, how to pick things up. We should be teaching them how to breathe.
00:18:21
Speaker
you know, how to look after mental health. I tell my children every day, your brain is the most important part of your body. And so they know that. And that's something that as parents, it's our responsibility to teach them. And I think, I really hope, we're still, we're so not there yet because we're still having to have this conversation, right? And it's still a topic that you need to look after your mental health. You need to look after your mental health.
00:18:46
Speaker
It should be no different. It should be no different to your physical health. It should be something that, and I think that is the greatest gift we can give our children. The greatest gift you can give a child is showing them how to look after their mental health. So you, one of the things that we promised on this is that there will be some hints and tips of things you can actually take away. And you talked about a technique tapping in your kind of start point as to kind of how you landed in your journey and also that you're a practitioner of that now at the moment.
00:19:15
Speaker
I had no idea that tapping was a thing until a good friend of ours, Jen Christie, introduced ourselves. And Jen is a practitioner of health and wellbeing practitioner at Mars. And she said, you need to go and check out this lady. She's unbelievable.
00:19:27
Speaker
Tapping probably makes no sense to many people. Can you just explain what that is and a little bit of the science behind it? Yes, of course. And I promise not to tap on myself because no one can see what I'm doing. So tapping works like this. Your body is filled with a very complex nervous system. And that nervous system is connected to your brain by something called the vagus nerve. So your mind and your body are completely interconnected. You mustn't think about yourself as just a floating head. So quite often we'll feel our stress in our shoulders,
00:19:56
Speaker
Maybe our anxiety in our belly, our grief in our chest, you know, we experience our emotions in our body. So when we're tapping, we're tapping on energy points that are closer to the surface of your skin. So you're physically tapping on your body. I am tapping on my outer eyebrow at the moment, if anyone is wondering. I'm tapping underneath my eye. There's another point underneath your nose.
00:20:17
Speaker
underneath your mouth, on your chest. There's many different points. And for anyone that does want to go see the resources, you can head to my website, www.happyheads.me or follow me on Instagram, happyheads.me. And you can see what I'm actually doing. So essentially what you're doing is you are tapping to bring your nervous system back into balance. So it is deeply calming for your body and also something called your amygdala.
00:20:45
Speaker
Your amygdala is your brain's fear response. So that's a tiny little almond shape in the middle of your brain, and that's essentially what's being triggered any time you feel stressed or anxious. So the physical tapping, the physical movement is a wonderful way to calm your nervous system, and it's also part neuro-linguistic programming, which is using your voice to rewire your brain. So that's why it's incredible at helping you overcome any anxious negative thoughts that you might be having. So it's a mind-body experience.
00:21:14
Speaker
I highly recommend going to check out Kim's Instagram. There's lots of films on there, all the sort of short reels that demonstrate and actually having personally experienced one of your workshops and taking it away. I've utilized it. I'm sure people thought I was very strange on the train one day after a busy work and after a very busy day.
00:21:30
Speaker
but it really does have an incredible impact. And I think there was a part where you also talked about the chops or then a part of your hand as well, that even if it's simple. Yes, yeah, sorry. So to talk around the point, one of the key parts is the side part of your non-dominant hand. So I'm right-handed, I tap on my left hand. Essentially, where your little finger is, follow down, it's that squishy bit there. And if you're tapping, you tap with about three fingers, three or four fingers with a reasonable amount of pressure.
00:21:58
Speaker
And tapping on your karate chop is essentially where you are using what we call the setup statement. So let's say you want to work on anxiety, which is what we did in the workshop. You'd be tapping on your karate chop. You'd take a minute to check in and go, you always rate your emotion. So anything, whether that's overwhelm, burnout, anxiety, depression, sadness, whatever it might be that you're working on. Every emotion has a scale, it has a spectrum. So let's say anxiety, zero to 10,
00:22:27
Speaker
go okay today I'm feeling maybe a seven I've got lots going on and then you tap on your karate chop as you you really face the problems head on with tapping we don't ignore them we don't suppress them that doesn't help your brain process them if you want to process something you have to face it head on so you say even though and I am tapping on my karate chop at the moment you know even though I'm feeling anxious right now I love and accept myself anyway
00:22:55
Speaker
Even though I feel this anxiety, that's okay. It's a normal human emotion. Even though I'm feeling anxious right now. I love my body. I love my mind. I'm open to the possibility of feeling more calm. So it's really specific kind of wording like I'm open to the possibility. So we're not trying to completely get rid of anxiety. We don't have to.
00:23:17
Speaker
You know, we don't need to, it certainly wouldn't work if you just started tapping going, I'm fine. Never do that, guys. Never do that. You know, you're facing the problem head on. So once you've tapped on your karate chop and honored whatever it is that you're working on, then you would move around your other, your other points that start always starting with the inner eyebrow, then moving to outer eyebrow, underneath the eye, underneath the nose, underneath mouth, tapping on your chest, underneath your arm, and then tapping on your head.
00:23:45
Speaker
So they're the kind of the brief way of me describing the points. Kim, that's so interesting. And I'm going to you personally shared that one of your little children had decided to kind of keep you up last night as well. She did. And we had the conversation around the importance of sleep previously and how vitally important that is for your mental well-being. I'll probably ask you to kind of go on through that at the moment. But, you know, I can only imagine the pressure. I'm a parent or a caregiver.
00:24:11
Speaker
and I'm due in work at 7am, it's 2am, I'm awake, I can't sleep because my child has broken me up, is tapping something that can be utilised anywhere, anytime. Yeah, and I think this goes for anyone that has problems sleeping, whether you're a parent or not, it's really important to wind your mind down
00:24:32
Speaker
at the end of the day. And that is where tapping is really, really good at doing that. And I have actually have a sleep tapping video on my YouTube. And it's basically where you're just trying to bring stillness to your mind. So you'd be tapping on your quad chop going, you know, even though today has been really overwhelming, I love and accept myself anyway, even though there's been many things that have challenged me, that's okay. It's time for rest and it's time for sleep. Even though today's been really busy,
00:25:01
Speaker
There's nothing more I need to do today. It is time for rest. It is time for sleep. And so this is really helping your nervous system prepare for sleep, whether you're a parent or not. And then you can just tap and breathe. So you can tap on the inner eyebrow, breathing in and tapping on the outer eyebrow, breathing out, and then so on and so forth as you move around your points. Or you just honor what's been going on, like, God, today's been too much, you know, parenting and work.
00:25:25
Speaker
I'm exhausted, it's time for rest. But you're ultimately bringing your nervous system back into balance. Of course, if you are a parent, the chances are you are gonna be woken up. And that is a really tough thing to do. So I'm gonna tell everyone now, this is a ninja technique for getting you back to sleep. Oh, sounds good. And this is what they use actually in the army, right? Because obviously in the army,
00:25:49
Speaker
you know, you're in a war zone, how'd you get to sleep then? I only realised this recently, this is something that I teach anyway, and then was like, ah, amazing. So if you wake up in the middle of the night, never try to go back to sleep. And the same if your baby's woken you up or your toddler or whatever, never try to go back to sleep, it's too much. And I think you kind of mentioned that before, right? It's too much and your brain is just going to stay awake, you're going to ruminate over the past, thinking about all these things,
00:26:15
Speaker
who you're gonna overthink the future. So the present moment is your best friend. And ultimately that's the present moment is what's going to bore your brain. So you just do a simple body scan. It's one of the simplest things I can tell you to do, but at 3 a.m. it's really hard because your brain wants to think about something you did like two years ago.
00:26:34
Speaker
So all you do is you just begin to scan down your body. Begin to breathe into your belly to begin with, because breathing into your belly is the best way to take a full oxygen exchange. And it's the best way to engage your parasympathetic nervous system. So that's the opposite of fight and flight, which we're going into anytime we feel stressed and anxious. So breathe into your belly and then you're just scanning down your body. That's all you're doing. You're scanning awareness. So your internal dialogue with being, what does my forehead feel like?
00:27:00
Speaker
How do my eyes feel? What do my ears feel like? How does my cheeks feel? Relax your jaw, so make sure you're opening your jaw. Not holding any tension in my teeth or my tongue. How does my throat feel? And your mind will have drifted off thinking about work and then just keep bringing it back.
00:27:15
Speaker
How do my shoulders feel? How does my chest feel, mind or wonder? You know, two years ago I said that thing in the pub, bring it back. And the simple body scan is the best way to bore your brain and get yourself back to sleep. So then you're gonna feel more empowered if you're going through those high stress moments in work or personal life when maybe you are waking up that you can always get back to sleep. And then even if, oh sorry, even if you are really sleep deprived,
00:27:43
Speaker
sleep deprived tapping is a wonderful way to bring stillness to your nervous system and I use this throughout both of my postpartum with both my babies because some nights you really would get no sleep and I, you know, I've run my business so I did go back to work quite early, I love what I do so I'd only take the odd, you know, workshop or client here and there but I didn't have a full, I've never had a full year maternity.
00:28:11
Speaker
So sometimes I would have to teach and I barely slept. So tapping is a wonderful way, it's a wonderful tool to know that even if I wake up and I haven't slept, I can still calm my nervous system. Because when you have had a bad night's sleep, there's a 66 amplification in your brain to amygdala, which is your brain's fear response. So that's why we feel, you can feel more anxious. That's why it's harder to regulate your emotions. It's easier to think negatively.
00:28:39
Speaker
but if you are calming your nervous system, you feel a lot more energised and it's a lot easier to regulate your emotions and your mind. I think there's some amazing tips in there and I'm definitely going to use that ninja technique to try and get myself back to sleep some time and utilise that body scan. Something you talked about there was really, and it was kind of transitioning the conversation to children's, but you know there's that saying that you never wake a sleeping child as well because of the importance of sleep.
00:29:04
Speaker
And actually, whilst we're talking about kind of caregiver parental kind of burnout, workspace burnout, and anybody burnout, I'm just keen to dig and use a bit of your experience from a mental health perspective for children. I've got some really frightening statistics I probably would like to share with kind of listeners. So one in six children aged five to 16 are likely to have had a mental health problem. That figure has gone up by 50% alone in the past three years. And we all know what happened three years ago.
00:29:32
Speaker
Over a third of parents of under five think their children's long-term mental well-being will be affected and actually it's not just young children and I
Normalizing Children's Mental Health Challenges
00:29:40
Speaker
think this is something that really really shocked me was that more than half of the 16 to 25 year olds in the world have seen their GP about mental health at some point.
00:29:50
Speaker
There's some really big conversation, big stats, big numbers there at the moment. And I suppose I'm just keen to kind of delve in a bit more about children's wellbeing. We had an unbelievable session with you a couple of weeks ago around Mental Health Awareness Week. And I was quite overwhelmed actually that at the end of the session,
00:30:09
Speaker
the number of parents that took the time to wait in a line, essentially, to come to speak to you, to say, as you referred to earlier, about how they could support their kind of teenagers or youngsters, even godchildren, I think were commented on as well, well-being, etc. So can we just discuss kind of mental health for children at the moment? And, you know, you touched on it being quite formative, etc. What can we be doing to support them a little bit more?
00:30:33
Speaker
Yeah, so I think firstly, understand that the world is just very different right now to when we were growing up. Mobile phones, and it's interesting because obviously I've kind of worked in this world. Unfortunately, statistics are not a surprise to me. When I first began this, there was continuing rise in anxiety and depression and self-harm, and that's because children now live in an online world.
00:31:01
Speaker
And no one really knows how to do this. If you've ever seen the, there's a program on Netflix called The Social Dilemma. At the very end, they ask all the heads of the CEOs, would you give your child this app or this social media? They go, absolutely not. My children don't have mobile phones and they go to a school where they don't even work on computers. But I don't want to scare parents because ultimately we do live in this world and it is more digitalized. But I think just to be mindful of
00:31:30
Speaker
of the new world that children live in. And of course, yes, that they did go through a pandemic and depending on their age, that would have been really challenging for them. But just like all of us, your brain is shaped by experience and you can change the way you think at any point. So just because you're feeling anxious or you're feeling
00:31:56
Speaker
depressed or stressed or whatever it might be, right now, it doesn't mean that's going to be the way that you feel forever. So if you are a parent or a child that is experiencing any form of difficulties, to know that that's not who you are, that's just where you are at the moment. You can physically change the way that you think. So your brain is softwired, it's not hardwired.
00:32:21
Speaker
a really, really important fact to remember. And it's also, I think, really important as a parent when our children are experiencing these challenges to know that it is completely normal. And I think we should always look at ourselves as parents so most adults can't regulate their emotions. Why do we expect children to? Most adults wake up in the night. Why do we expect children to sleep through the night?
00:32:51
Speaker
Most adults zone out and tune out. So why do we expect children to be fully focused? So I think always looking at ourselves as adults and parents really then helps you to better see your child for just being a human being. And I think really important with any struggles around mental health, whether that is anxiety, which is something that's really
00:33:20
Speaker
commonly experienced by children, or gosh, even self-harm, all of these things, that there is self-harm not as much, but even that, to an extent, it's normal. It's not something that should be really shameful or really not talked about. It's being able to have those open conversations. You know, validate your child's experience. If they are, say, if you notice they're feeling anxious,
00:33:50
Speaker
that validate their emotion, validate their reality, but also think about actually what they're going through. And I think quite often as parents, the mistake can be, my child is feeling anxious or is feeling X, Y, Z. What can I do to fix them? You don't need to do anything to fix them. Quite often, the first thing you need to do is go, what am I going through?
00:34:16
Speaker
So quite often parents will go, you know, they want to go straight to their child and what can I do to fix this? That bit where you said it's a mirror effect and the child really reflects where the parents are kind of, you know, whoever it is, it's kind of experience. Exactly. Exactly. And you know, this isn't about, you know, blaming, blaming parents or we're human, right? We're absolutely human. So let's say you are a parent, you know, you're going through
00:34:39
Speaker
You're really, really busy at work. You're finding yourself constantly on your phone. It's really hard to be present with your children if you have your mobile phone there. I run my own thing. I know how hard it is to do. But let's say you're never fully present with your children. You're always kind of cutting them off halfway. And you don't even know you're doing it because you're just really busy at the moment. And then they start playing up. Maybe they start hitting their sibling or their
00:35:05
Speaker
Maybe they're shouting loads or maybe they got children do many different things to seek our attention as parents. And rather than seeing the behavior, always think about what is my child needing right now? Because quite often they might do something. Let's say they hit out, for example, they hit their mum. Actually, at the time, they might be trying to say to you, I'm scared.
00:35:31
Speaker
about something. So rather than seeing the kind of behaviour, think about what could be going on for them? And how can I kind of, what can I do to support them? But also as a parent going, am I feeling calm? Am I feeling grounded?
00:35:47
Speaker
Do I feel really distracted by work or whatever? How present am I being? Because the more you do that, the more you're, like you said, the more you're putting your oxygen mask on, the more you're in a resources build. And then the easier it is to then help them regulate their own emotions. There's so much in there, Kim. And actually the whole social media, the whole, your work is in your hand with your phone has really changed that. You know, I think about my parents,
00:36:17
Speaker
They came home from work and that was it. Work started the next morning at 9am and they had no option to check in or be involved or be engaged at any point. So it was our time, it was our family time.
00:36:29
Speaker
know that was it whereas actually now for
Work Environment and Parenting Balance
00:36:32
Speaker
parents I hear so many say oh I'll jump back on once I put the bed you know the kids to sleep etc or once I've done my caregiving responsibilities and actually that's really important about what does my child need and actually maybe sometimes it's just to put that phone away and actually be present which is easier than
00:36:49
Speaker
said than done, but so vital to be able to provide a really meaningful response to what's going on within your own kind of community. Do you know what, and I think these, and I can say this, I'm a parent, it is hard, you know, it is hard because you're constantly, especially when you're running your own business or you have maybe flexible work, whatever, you're constantly, you're in parent mode and then you're in work mode, you're in parent mode and then you're in work mode. But I think the more that you are deeply present with your children,
00:37:17
Speaker
the better they are going to be at being able to ultimately, and the more calm and present your nervous system is, the more they're gonna pick, children are like little sponges. I think you mentioned this before, they can sense our energy, the more calm and grounded we are and present with them, the more safe they're gonna feel, and this is ultimately what all children need and what all adults need actually, is they need to feel safe. So if they see us being constantly distracted or like constantly
00:37:46
Speaker
Gosh, even if as a parent, and this is really hard to do, you might get two hours at the end of the day that is your own time. But if you spend all that time on social media yourself, you're not looking after your mental health. Social media isn't good for your mental health. And I feel so conflicted about this because Happy Heads is on Instagram because it helps, you know, people, you know, me tell people what I do. I don't have a, I don't use my personal account anymore. But if that's all you're doing, just the very act of scrolling,
00:38:15
Speaker
is weakening your ability to focus. And when you're with kids, you have to be deeply focused. And you'll notice as a parent, if you're like saying, I don't know, let's say you're just playing with Play-Doh, for example, if you find yourself finding that really tough, then that's maybe a signal that you just need to take a deep breath and be more present.
00:38:34
Speaker
I think when we were at one of our sessions, you talked about the head being a really important part for a child from a calming perspective. And you talked about kind of holding your head as a way, which is a really great tool. So if a child is going through a challenge, I suppose, can you talk about that a bit?
00:38:51
Speaker
So that was, yes, so I was talking about so many children and adults are on the spectrum. It's wonderful that more adults are kind of being diagnosed and more children are being also diagnosed. Actually, Kim, before one of our colleagues kind of spoke about this whole kind of spectrum and sort of neurodivergent team members and actually where the stat was that seven and ten were kind of neurotypical. Yeah. I'm sorry if I've got that language incorrect.
00:39:17
Speaker
actually the expectation is actually only one in 10 sits on that kind of typical behavior spectrum and everybody else sits on outside of that, which is a massive shift. I think if everyone actually was really honest with themselves, it really does, everything, it has a spectrum. So if, when I'm teaching children that are on the spectrum, what they love is they love to, if they're, I guess if you're going more kind of potentially on the autistic spectrum,
00:39:47
Speaker
they don't know the difference between where their body ends and the world begins. That's very scary. So for them, that's why they like to feel weighted, so weighted blankets or anything. So that's why we're showing them something called the happy head hold. So you can't see what I'm doing, but I'm placing one hand on my forehead and then if you place your other hand on the base back of your head, this is actually called the amygdala hold. And what you're doing here is you're essentially giving your brain a hug. So anytime you feel stressed or anxious,
00:40:16
Speaker
Like I said, it's your amygdala that's being triggered. So if you, when you're cuddling, when you're holding your head like this and it's lovely and calming to do when a parent does it to their child, it just sends a really direct calming signal to your amygdala to know, I am safe.
00:40:34
Speaker
Because that's essentially when any time a child or an adult is feeling stressed or anxious, their amygdala thinks they're not safe. Their thinks are about to get eaten. But maybe they're not, maybe they've just got to go into a new class situation or they're having to stand up and present in front of their classmates and they're feeling really anxious about it.
00:40:53
Speaker
the amygdala thinks it doesn't know the difference between a real and perceived threat. I find that really fascinating that from a tapping technique to that hold, it's two things that you can do with you need nothing in order to be able to do those and the fundamental differences that they could make from your wellbeing and also potentially your child's wellbeing in that moment. And I think sometimes people think that, you know, looking after the wellbeing might mean spending money. You know, we all know we're in a cost of living crisis at the moment. That's not going to change.
00:41:22
Speaker
I think what I love about this conversation is that this is all things that people can do with a simple watch of a video or just a simple movement as well. Yeah, and I think really important for parents to remember that every single child and adult is completely different. So some children really resonate with movement, some will love tapping, especially for anyone that is neurodivergent. The tapping is a really lovely
00:41:48
Speaker
uh maybe where traditional meditation maybe feels a little more harder it's the rhythmic movement that really deeply brings you present into your body um some children really resonate with sound they want to just go right you know they want to make noises adults are the same some children might really resonate with um
00:42:07
Speaker
color, some adults might be the same. So really when supporting your children, use the techniques that are right for them, you know, and know that they are totally unique. And know that if they, you know, even if they're not on the spectrum, those children don't want to sit still. So then get them moving, get them doing, there's a superhero meditation that I do with kids. And it's where you start where you actually get them to move their arms up and move them down, you know, like a cape moving up and down.
00:42:37
Speaker
but also shaking out your worries. I do this with adults. Basically everything I teach, I do with both adults and children. I find they're exactly the same. So just physically moving your body, jumping up and down. And what you'll notice with children is children are quite often trying to regulate their nervous systems without us even realizing. So your hand on the head, quite often children will do that in class. They'll place their hands on their head. They'll sit like this. And that's because it's calming.
00:43:05
Speaker
Yeah, really observing your child and noticing what things calm them. Every child will be different. It's so interesting because I think the conversation is definitely involved. I think about my niece who has a worry worm and you know we have got a nephew who's got a worry monster and actually that present conversation is definitely happening and I think there's been some incredible
00:43:25
Speaker
tips that have gone on, you know, that you've just kind of shared with us, which we're really grateful for. I'm pretty sure if a listener was listening to us now, they would say, I thought this is kind of a workspace kind of conversation. And it's really important to us as a business that we look after wellbeing of our team members, not just when they're working with us, but when they're outside of that. But I'm keen to kind of almost connect the dots almost of our conversation. So we've talked about burnout, we've talked about wellbeing from a children's perspective,
00:43:51
Speaker
Actually, you know, there's that really good saying that it takes a village to build a child. And I think that's really true. From a mental health perspective, you know, I think one of the some stats that kind of came out post pandemic is that nine out of 10 working mothers say that their mental health has been negatively impacted from the pandemic. And that more than half of women, children ages zero to 16, stating that balancing working from home and childcare has really impacted them.
00:44:17
Speaker
That childcare is a concern, so 73% of parents are stating that. And 59% of working parents said that they needed to factor childcare options into decision making about whether or not to take a new job or promotion.
00:44:34
Speaker
And I suppose my question is, is that does the workspace have a place within that village? Are we a house? What are we in that village? And what should we be doing as workspaces to be able to help support parents or caregivers, pet parents, you name it, in the workspace to be able to kind of have a better quality of mental health?
00:44:56
Speaker
Yeah, I think it can play a huge role because of course we do our jobs, we love our jobs, our jobs provide us with stability and money so that we can look after our children, we can have a home and all these important things. So I think it's really important to honour the fact that
00:45:18
Speaker
we all have a personal life like you said whether it's parenting or pet parenting or whatever it might be and then really allowing people to be flexible with
00:45:30
Speaker
finding their own balance. So, you know, whether that is, and we talked about this at the beginning, you know, always doing the pick up, you know, the dropping my kid off at school, or I need to always be home for bath time, or yeah, they've got a certain recital. And I think it's just, so it's honouring those things that are really important to us as humans, but as a parent also realising that
00:45:55
Speaker
nothing's more important than your kids. It doesn't matter what you do, my job, like no job is more important than your children and I think a workforce that honours that and also speaks to parents about, you know, actually has those conversations. I know quite a lot of workplaces, the moment a woman, you know, you know, gets pregnant, almost like she's written off or, you know, or
00:46:19
Speaker
When they come back to work, they're seen as not necessarily being as productive. I can tell you now, a mum or a dad can get more stuff done in five minutes than anyone else because you're used to multitasking on such another level. Parents are such an incredible power for the workforce. There's an amazing woman actually called Mother Pucker and a White House who champions flexible working.
00:46:45
Speaker
in the workplace. And she really talks about it so wonderfully about essentially how it's so important for our mental health and wellbeing. So I think, yeah, the workplace, it's about being kind and compassionate and understanding what other people are going through and being really pushing the conversation. Because like you said, sometimes
00:47:12
Speaker
people might just want to go, no, I'm just going to keep going, I'm just going to keep going, I'm just going to keep going, like actually saying, oh, you know, knowing that Sarah, for example, just making people up, has two kids, and so also you're like, you know, how are the kids going? Are you finding, have you got enough balance in your life at the moment? Directly asking the question. And when you ask those questions, it keeps the conversation open so people don't feel like they just have to keep going, they just go,
00:47:41
Speaker
Oh, do you know what? I'm feeling a bit burnt out actually. And they can say to you, so being really open about talking about mental health. I think that's a two-way street as well, Kim. And I think you're absolutely right that encouraging the conversation is really important. But it's also having that vulnerable conversation yourself and showing that vulnerability as to where you've been challenged so that people know that they can come.
00:48:06
Speaker
and have that conversation at a time that they need it.
Supporting Team Members' Unique Needs
00:48:10
Speaker
And I think it's respecting boundaries as well and getting under the skin of your own team members' requirements and needs, because they might be fundamentally different. Someone might be a doctor that's working on nights, et cetera, that will have a huge impact on that. Or somebody might be working away, which will have an impact on how they schedule the week, for example. And so being able to have that conversation.
00:48:32
Speaker
I think you're absolutely right and I think also no parent is perfect. I'm just going to repeat that. No parent is perfect. You don't have to be a perfect parent and I think it's important to tell people what you... because no one's going to know, like you said, all the little intricacies of what's going on in your personal life.
00:48:54
Speaker
No one might know that your little babies had a stomach bug and your other little babies struggling with anxiety about an exam that's coming up. They're not going to know that. So it's a really good point that you make is that you need to ask for help and also don't expect, and this is what I've had two babies kind of back to back, is that know that if someone isn't a parent, then they're not going to know. They're not going to understand. Why should they understand all the different things that you might have to be going through?
00:49:23
Speaker
So, yeah, telling them and saying, this is what I'm finding challenging. Yeah, really good point, really good point, yeah. And it's really interesting, I think, that the workspace is a really hard market at the moment from a talent perspective. And if you don't make the effort to make this kind of flexibility an option, I don't think you'll be an employer of choice, which is the last thing anybody wants to be at the end of the day.
00:49:48
Speaker
And so that's such a good point is that you are responsible for your mental health. No one else is responsible for that. And as a parent or anyone in the workplace, it's essential that you set your own boundaries. Like you said, you say, no, if you can, of course, every role is different. But if you can say, what's really important for my well-being is that I drop my kids off every morning. So this is when I start.
00:50:16
Speaker
It's really important that I walk my dog. Every day I need to walk my dog in the morning, and everyone is different. But it's our responsibilities, and that's individuals, to tell the workplace, because they're not gonna know. Why would anyone know what's important to my wellbeing? I know what's important. And then encouraging, and then the workplace encouraging people to say what that is.
00:50:40
Speaker
You know, and being like, what are you doing this week to look after your wellbeing? What are you doing this week to look after your mental health? Asking people.
00:50:46
Speaker
I think it's really important. I think present parenting is so brilliant. I think Covid and the pandemic has actually, and I'm sorry to say this, has some positives because it is game changing. And I think I told a story, you know, at the beginning of this year, a team member, a colleague who was up in the late district and had the responsibility for want of having the responsibility to do the Friday morning school drop off and chose to drive or drove six hours home to make sure that the next morning they were there to that dress.
00:51:15
Speaker
drop off before they then drove back up the country to another meeting because, you know, that present parenting was incredibly important to them. Yeah. And I think, you know, as a business, it's important to allow people to make space for those times as well. Absolutely. Yeah, absolutely. And I think being that, you know, there are some things that, of course, we're going to have to do within our role. There's certain meetings that we might have to go to, certain events that we do. So there are things that are going, of course, going to be essential. But if things aren't, then say.
00:51:45
Speaker
you know, can I do this meeting via Zoom? The pandemic has taught us that we don't have to be like, you know, we don't have to always be next to each other. So I think it's about, yeah, speaking up, knowing
00:51:58
Speaker
what you need but also say but also yeah just gently you know pushing back and saying like if actually could we is this possible on zoom could we do this on zoom or could we do this on just a slightly different time that would be really good for me and then everyone just makes sure that everyone is is
00:52:15
Speaker
It's ultimately got balance in their life. It's been accommodating, you know, we're all on a drive to create the most inclusive workspaces that we possibly can do and therefore empowering people to ask those questions and even demand those situations so that is really important as well.
00:52:31
Speaker
Kim, I have absolutely loved the conversation today. I think I found myself at some time thinking, what am I going to ask you? Because I've just been so fascinated by what you're going to say. So we're going to end on two things, a thought and a tip. So first of all, what's the one thing that we haven't covered today that you really feel like you should share with our listeners?
00:52:48
Speaker
So I think it's important for all parents to know that self-care and breathing techniques and tapping should always be fitted around their own family routine. Because if you are always waiting for a moment that you get to yourself, you just won't have it. So it's about being able to look after your mental health when you're with the children.
00:53:11
Speaker
you know, just doing some tapping and breathing when you're with the kids or when you're pushing the buggy, you guys have got a walking meditation. So it's really, really important to do things that fit around your own family routine or if you're not a parent around your own daily routine. So if you're walking the dog, this is my time to do a walking meditation.
00:53:31
Speaker
or even sat at your desk, you know, before I do any Zoom, I'm always just going to do a little bit of rounds, you know, just a few rounds of tapping and breathing. So fit it around your day, then it becomes much more manageable. Looking after your mental health just becomes ingrained.
00:53:48
Speaker
in your daily routine. It's not like when I get a spare minute, because if you're always doing that, you're never going to find it. I think it's I've just been reading book atomic habits and it's that 1% actually habits are built in 60 days and it's about consistency, but don't think that you're going to change is all about that small incremental changes. So even like you say, just, you know, doing it just before a zoom call or just doing it for two minutes whilst you're pushing a buggy that can make fundamental changes to you.
00:54:13
Speaker
but huge changes. Yeah. Amazing. And then you gave us the ninja sleep tip, which was just absolutely fantastic. What would be one other ninja tip that we could do to look after our wellbeing? And that could be anybody. Okay. So two of the most important things we can do. Sneaking a second in there. I'm sneaking a second one in. So number one is never look at your phone first thing in the morning. Certainly don't have an alarm. That's an actual alarm sound.
00:54:42
Speaker
Because if you do, you're physically making yourself anxious before you even make up. Change it to a natural bird song or something calming. Because if you're looking at your phone firstly in the morning, you're flooding it with information that it doesn't need. If you're looking at the news, that's inherently negative. Stop reading the news, it will only make you panic. Social media makes you compare your life to others. And of course, work emails can be creating anxiety before you've even taken your duvet off. So set your brain upright and then do something that calms your nervous system, whether that is
00:55:11
Speaker
some meditation, some breath works, some tapping, some journaling, maybe just you need to move your body, whatever's right for you in that day.
00:55:20
Speaker
And then at the end of the day, don't look at a screen at least an hour before bed. I think this is the simplest thing I can ask people to do, but it's really, really hard, especially when you're a parent and you only get two hours to yourself. So if you are a parent, maybe try for 30 minutes. Your brain needs to unwind at the end of a busy day. So again, do something that bores your brain.
00:55:44
Speaker
It could be meditation, it could be breath work, it could be tapping, it could be EFT. And, you know, with children, we know how essential it is to go to bed every day. We do that as parents. It's like you get so militant about sleep. The adult brain is no different. Go to bed at the same time every night. So if you do those things, if you go to bed at the same time every night and do something to wind your brain down, you're going to have a much deeper sleep. And sleep is the foundation of your mental health and wellbeing.
00:56:14
Speaker
And then essentially the next day, so if you set your brain up and wind it down right, you can then handle whatever challenges come your way, because whilst we can't control what life will throw at us, we can control how we react. Wow. So simple, yet so powerful and just so game-changing. Kim, thank you so much. You've been an absolute super guest on FYI, the Backstory Podcast, and I'm sure we're going to be inviting you back on soon. Thank you so much for having me. It's been great.