Transcript
Speaker: Welcome to Wandering the Wild Mess, the podcast for anyone starting over, navigating a new chapter, or rewriting their story. I'm Heather Morgan, and if you've ever thought to yourself, what am I doing with my life? You're in the right place.
Speaker: Here we take the lessons in the messes, reframe the hard moments, and remember that even the wildest stories always work out. I'm so happy you're here. Now let's wander this wild mess together.
Speaker: Starting over can make you feel like you're behind everyone else, like everyone out there is building while you're stuck rebuilding your life.
Speaker: But what if starting over isn't putting you behind? What if it's giving you an opportunity that most people never get Welcome to Wandering the Wild Mess with Heather Morgan.
Speaker: i am so happy you're here. All right. I know if you've been following the podcast for some time, you know that starting over isn't easy and we've talked about it.
Speaker: But what I want to get into today is a way for you to perceive and take in this challenge that it feels like of starting over, right, at any point in time in your life,
Speaker: And as an opportunity instead of a setback. And i want to talk about some things that I've realized in my life that is really, I've seen my starting over journey, even though it's had its hard times, as probably one of the biggest growth opportunities of my entire life.
Speaker: And realized that it's a chance to intentionally build a life that reflects who you've become instead of who you've always been.
Speaker: And who you've become meaning who do you want to be? It's that opportunity to change your life in ways that likely could not happen in your current or your previous life or the way that you were living before, right? Right.
Speaker: Because if you think about it, and I talk about identity, there's a lot of episodes you should go back to and listen to when it comes to if you're into self-concept. That's one of my most listened to episodes. But I like the identity that changes everything. Episode 72 was big.
Speaker: And I want to talk about some of that today because i think it is our chance to change our minds about starting over. And i was um I was listening to the book. I've read it a couple of times, but I was listening to it again. And it's such a good book. And I remember the first time I started reading it, I was a little bit like, I can't absorb this because it was early in my ah mess and I just wasn't ready for all the changes. But I was listening and listening to it this recently, Atomic Habits by James Clear. And it's such a good book.
Speaker: book. And it talks about a lot of the things that I've learned and that I understand about how we move through the world is from our identity. And often when you're trying to create a new habit and the book talks a lot about how habits are built and why they're formed and all of that, and it's linked on my website, so wanderingthewildmess.com by BookRex if you want to find But but I love it because it talks about like you realize that habits that you have, and I thought about this a lot in my marriage, you know, there's just when you're in a relationship, married, living ah in a certain situation, whatever it is, whatever is happening in your life before you start over, you have built so many habits in that life.
Speaker: That has just been your life. And when you actually listen to the psychology behind habits, you realize that a lot of what we do is on autopilot.
Speaker: And so when you're living in autopilot, it is a lot harder to start introducing new habits to your life because you have these these concrete habits that you might not even consciously be aware of, right? you're just You're waking up with the same person, doing the same thing, having the same five meals. having you know There's not a lot of disruption in a lot of people's lives, when they're especially when you're married and you've been doing the thing with someone for a long time.
Speaker: But when you get divorced, move across the country alone, get laid off from your job, have a heartbreaking breakup, suddenly your day-to-day starts looking a lot different than it did before.
Speaker: Time frees up that you didn't have before. Things that you were doing no longer are the things that you're doing anymore. And suddenly that becomes your greatest opportunity to say, what do I want to do with myself?
Speaker: Who do I want to be now that who I once was in that old pattern, old loop is not there anymore? And I see that as this immensely powerful opportunity to become the absolute highest version, best self that you could possibly be.
Speaker: And I think that's a lot of times, i think I mentioned this before, like that's why they talk about like the glow up after like a breakup or something. I don't think it's just necessarily, i think there's something to be said that if you were been treated poorly in a relationship and you're out of it,
Speaker: obviously stress levels are down, all of that, and you just start to glow differently. But I think most people after a relationship that ends, it's not just because like I want to revenge look good.
Speaker: it's It's a natural, it happens naturally when you start deciding to make better choices for your life and yourself. And when you pour your energy into yourself and your betterment, then it that just naturally happens. And so I want to kind of tell you like what's been going on in my world so you can think about what you may want to introduce into your life that will benefit you.
Speaker: Right. Because recently, like about 10 weeks ago, I think I mentioned in an earlier episode that I went, did the uncomfortable thing, went to a new gym. I was like, I got to be out in the world. And I decided to get a trainer, which wasn't something I, I don't know if I would have done that in my previous life. Like if we think about it, y'all, there's a lot of things. Like I, would I have started a podcast while I was still married?
Speaker: I'm pretty sure no. No. Would I have moved to Tennessee if I was still married? Probably not. Like there's so many things that my starting over journey allowed me to do.
Speaker: And i don't think I would have done them as the person that I was. And getting a trainer was one of those things where I thought to myself, I really want to build strength.
Speaker: I want to be the person that's fit and build strength. So what would the person that's fit and build strength do? They would probably learn good form and get familiar with the right machines and how to use them and all of those things.
Speaker: And they would probably prioritize that in their life. And so that's what I did. Because you also so you often have to think if you want a certain outcome for yourself, what would the person that has that outcome do?
Speaker: And then you do that thing. And so I realized do it. And by doing that thing, you know, obviously it has to be consistent and repetitive. But the good news is when you do that thing and you decide, okay, I want to be that person. So I'm going to do that thing. And it's uncomfortable at the beginning because it's unfamiliar to you.
Speaker: But when you commit to it with like, for me, the trainer, it was like, it was a time commitment, but also like investing an investment on myself. then I consistently show up.
Speaker: And then as you consistently show up, it becomes part of your routine, right? And then it's your habit. And then it's like before you know it, and it's funny because my trainer said this to me probably like week four. She's like, you're just going to get – you're going to crave it. You're going to get used to it. You're going to love it because it's just going to – and that's how I feel now And i didn't all, I wasn't always someone that felt like that. Like, have I worked ah out, you know, throughout my life? Yes, of course. But when I was like first divorced, I was so messy. I could have, I still worked out, but I was not consistent at all. But it's because I didn't prioritize being that person.
Speaker: i was still so lost, but that doesn't mean I couldn't be that person. It just means I didn't decide that I wanted to be. And that's the piece I want you to realize is that there's so many people that I meet that are like, oh, I just don't think I could do that. And I see so much potential in them. And I'm going, yeah, you can. You just don't see yourself that way yet.
Speaker: And honestly, the only way to see yourself differently is to do different things. I've said it before. i write it a lot. I mean, I obviously didn't invent this, but nothing changes if nothing changes.
Speaker: And i want you, if you're starting over in life and wherever you are right now and whatever your habits were and whatever you've wrapped up in your identity, like I'm not this or I'm this and I'm that, whatever beliefs that you have about who you are right now, if they don't serve you, we're just, let's throw them out the window because you're starting over.
Speaker: So we got a clean rebuilding. You're rebuilding. but it's not from scratch. You know what doesn't serve you now. So you know where you need to take things out of your life and replace them with things that do serve you, whether that's like new friendships, strength training like me. Like I literally did that kind of – what do they call Like a life audit.
Speaker: And You start reflecting like, are these the things that I want to keep in my life? What do I want to go after now that I have nothing holding me back?
Speaker: I think it's such a beautiful perspective to go, i've The system is what i was doing is just no more. And because I used to think that change happened because people got motivated, right? You're like motivated to do something. But now I think it happens because the structure changes.
Speaker: Right? Like the excuse, I don't have time or i I can't do that goes out the window because now you have time usually and when your life starts over. You lose your job. You have all the time in the world, buddy.
Speaker: And now you might find yourself with another excuse. But the truth is you just don't want it enough. And that was like a hard one for me to realize is that Nothing is necessarily impossible. I think there was one example though in the book, like if you're not able to jump high enough to get to the basketball hoop, like, and your goal was to dunk a basketball, like you're probably not going to ever do that. But I mean, everything with a grain of salt. I mean, that's not everyone's goal. But if you, if it's something that's in your realm of possibilities, starting a new business,
Speaker: There's really nothing that would stop it other than you deciding that that's not what you want to prioritize or that's not something you dare to take that path.
Speaker: It's kind of do I want to risk that or not? And most of the time we choose comfort. But the great part about starting over is most of your comfort gets ripped away. So it's already a perfect opportunity to be more uncomfortable because why not? And I think back on it, that's literally why I moved across the country at that time that I did 30 days after the divorce is because, well, my whole life is already different. Everything feels different. I might as well throw a few more things in the pot, in the mix. I mean, why not?
Speaker: Because my routines have broken, my identity is completely ripped away, and everything that I knew was gone. And it's crazy when I think back too because at the beginning, like I was staying at a friend's house and i was just bebopping around. I had – no
Speaker: Since the night that I said I want a divorce, we never were in the same house again. So from that day of me saying I want a divorce, where I slept, what things looked like were different.
Speaker: I had mentioned that at some point in the separation, i got sick and couldn't couldn't go into the office and work. And so I ended up getting to go back to our house and he left.
Speaker: But even then, the house didn't feel like our house when it was just me. And I'm saying all that because disruption of your life, when it happens like that, there was nothing about my life that felt familiar anymore.
Speaker: And when nothing feels like it used to, then that's your chance to change it all up. To change everything. And you know what? Honestly, the thing that I think back about when I think I've mentioned this a number of times, but I don't really watch television now.
Speaker: Like I haven't really at all since the divorce. And I think it was like breaking that routine. Like that was something we did and I didn't want to do that. I didn't want to keep that routine in my life.
Speaker: And I think about even like the groceries I buy, like I'm not buying some of the things that I would have before, you know, because you you now have an opportunity to do life the way you want to do it.
Speaker: And that's exciting. it's It really becomes an opportunity because if you've ever wanted to be your a different version of yourself, starting over creates that opportunity.
Speaker: It gives you space to really ask the questions and give yourself honest answers about what you want.
Speaker: And when you really want something that much, I think you realize that you are willing to invest in becoming that person. And even by sitting here and listening to this podcast,
Speaker: You're saying, I want to feel better about myself. I want to feel less alone. I want to feel like I can figure this out. And I love that for you.
Speaker: and even giving yourself that time and opportunity win. when And I know there's something on your heart right now that you know you want to be like.
Speaker: I have yet to meet a single person that it's like, no, I'm exactly the person that I want to be. There's nothing I want to change. And there's nothing I want to get better at. There's nothing I want to learn. There's nothing I want to grow into.
Speaker: There's no opportunities that I want to take on that I don't have. I mean, that doesn't exist. Yeah. I mean, we can be self-assured and love ourself and confident, but that doesn't mean that we don't see room for growth.
Speaker: And growth happens by changing behaviors that no longer serve us. I know I keep saying that, but I want you to really sit with yourself on that and think about what those are.
Speaker: Because the person that you were before you started over, they're going to have a new life whether you're ready for it or not. Because that relationship's ripped away, that job's ripped away, that hometown's ripped away, whatever the starting over looks like for you.
Speaker: So whoever... you were before the reset button is already gone. So this is the time to decide who you are now and then create the habits that allow you to move through the world from that identity.
Speaker: Guys, I'm smiling because I'm just thinking about like I also i might have mentioned that I met a new friend at the farmer's market. Of course, I'm the person that meets friends wherever she goes.
Speaker: And I she invited me to like a workout class. I've been going to this burn boot camp and a girl today, don't, I'll toot my horn, and I guess. I'm telling you this because even I, as I'm working through my identity, she goes, this girl, another girl I was talking to, she's like, yeah, I just started going, you know, and she's like, I'm just not like it fit like you. But one day, you know, and I'm thinking that's someone perception of me.
Speaker: and I say that because I think it's easy for us to not always give ourselves credit when credit's due. will start working towards a thing and then someone else tells us and sees that identity in us.
Speaker: But we don't always give ourselves that credit. And I promise you, sometimes when you're just doing the habits, the identity will meet you before you're ready for right?
Speaker: Right. Me being consistent showed up in someone else's eyes before it did my own. And so I promise you, even if you're not ready to say that's who I am fully because you're as long as you start doing the actions that that person would do, you will become that person.
Speaker: I mean, I even joined, i am now I have this new Pilates studio that I go to. So I'm combining Pilates and strength training. And I'm saying that because i don't know if I was like, I'm a Pilates girly, you know? and But like, who is? Like, I i go to Pilates and I love it and I push myself and I like it.
Speaker: i like it it makes me slow down because I'm and'm always thinking, right? So it it puts me in this slow pace. So it's like the things I wanted to be, the person that could be slowing her mind a little, all of that, like that allows me to be that person more because I'm repetitively doing those slower movements and being more intentional. And all of those things just have a ripple effect into our life.
Speaker: And so I'm telling you all this because I want you to see starting over as a chance to become the best version of yourself because you don't always get the confidence immediately. You just have to act first and show up before the results happen. And I think that was my biggest lesson through all of the changes that I've been making in my life is that the habits weren't dramatic.
Speaker: It's not like they happened overnight. You just have to keep showing up even before the results are there. And if you keep showing up time and time again, and it feels good, it becomes a habit and then habits are a collection of who you are.
Speaker: You are the person that shows up that way. So if you're in a season of starting over right now, I know it probably doesn't feel like a gift.
Speaker: It probably feels messy, uncertain, lonely, maybe even unfair. But I want to remind you that this does not have to be the end of the story.
Speaker: Maybe it's the first time in a long time you've had room to build something new for yourself. And maybe starting over is an evidence that your life fell apart or that you failed.
Speaker: Maybe it's evidence that there's finally space for what's next. And maybe the habits you choose in this season will be become the foundation of a life you're grateful you didn't give up on.
Speaker: Because looking back, I don't think the habits changed my life. I think they helped me become the person who could.
Speaker: Thank you for listening to Wandering the Wild Mess. You matter. Thank you for wandering the wild mess with me.
Speaker: If today's episode helped you see your story a little differently, I'm so glad. Make sure to share it with someone else who might need it. Keep listening for more lessons, reframes, and reminder that your path is unfolding exactly as it should.
Speaker: Until then, keep trusting the mess.
