Transcript
Speaker: Have you ever felt like you were trying to force something to work, whether it's a relationship, a situation, or just the idea of how your life should look like? You pour your energy into it, hoping somehow it'll finally click, but then one day it hits you.
Speaker: It's not working because it's not meant to. Well, that's where the journey begins. The one where you stop trying to change others and the world around you and start focusing on the only person that you can truly take responsibility for, which is yourself.
Speaker: Welcome to Wandering the Wild Mess with Heather Morgan. I am so happy that you're here. All right. In today's episode, we're going to talk about really the theme of this whole podcast, letting go of what you thought your life should look like and just embracing and enjoying the journey, the wild mess that it is.
Speaker: And just really diving into letting go and the power of letting go. And not because you failed, but because holding on to something that no longer serves serves you only pulls you further away from where you're meant to be.
Speaker: I'd love to explore with you just how to find peace in the twists and the turns of life and why choosing yourself is never selfish. That was a super hard one for me. So if if it feels, if that resonates with you where you're like, it's hard, I feel selfish to choose myself, we're going to talk about how we can trust in doing that and the detours in your life are really leading you to exactly where you're supposed to go.
Speaker: So I'll start by saying, so happy you're here. And i was on a walk this morning with my pup. And i was going to listen to a podcast or some music. And I was like, no, the birds are chirping. I'm just going to enjoy nature and just vibe.
Speaker: And I was thinking along the way, and obviously, like I'm coming up on, not obviously, but the end of this month is going to be two years since my divorce, those of you that know anything about me.
Speaker: And you would think, you know, like anything, two years is quite some time. Shouldn't this girl be over? It does not. But it was just such a life change for someone that, like I said before, if you've listened, like I met this man when I was 21 years old and ah the majority of my life, I felt like I was, he was part of it.
Speaker: So I think anyone that had been through a long relationship or marriage or whatever could understand how impactful losing someone you thought that would be in your life forever, even when you're the one walking away, is just an experience that kind of – kind of changes you. you know Again, it's like ah a death and a grief because it's a loss.
Speaker: And I don't want to like hone on to that, but it has truly changed the trajectory of my life and my mindset. So that's why I hold – well, I don't know if I would say I hold on to it, but that's why it's become such a part of when I reflect on life because it was just a pivotal point in me changing my mindset. And that's why I'm even here to share with y'all. So I'm on this walk, as I digress, and I'm just thinking about
Speaker: You know, I love hiking. That's why I'm wandering the wild mess. It was a play on wilderness. If you haven't got that by now, you've been listening to the podcast, but I'm always thinking about hikes and like, when can I go on a hike? When is there enough sun? There's no incline out near Nashville. Where do I go? And I'm always just thinking so, and I probably have some undiagnosed ADHD. So it's, my mind is a wanderer in its own, right? Yeah. And I'm sitting there and I'm wandering the wild mess that is my mind.
Speaker: And I'm like, you know what? Do you know what? Having people in your life – and this doesn't just have to be my marriage. This is just you know friendships I've had over the years or even recently. And sometimes I realize that when you set boundaries, which I always thought seemed like um such a weird notion before I really understood – why they're necessary, you're just kind of flowing along and you're just going with the flow, which I feel like that's very me. But there's times where you're like, i don't really want to do that.
Speaker: But when you're like a people pleaser that doesn't have any boundaries or just wants to keep the peace, all of which I have been in my life, then sometimes it's hard for you to be like, i don't really want to go in that direction.
Speaker: And then it just – so this is how I really relate it I'm on some hike. I have an idea of this like waterfall I want to go to. I'm like ready to roll. These are the kinds of – this is the terrain I enjoy.
Speaker: and then I'm hiking with someone and they're like, yeah, we're not doing that part of the hike. Like we're going to do this route. And I'm like, i don't even like that route. Like, I mean, it it's okay, but like that's not what I want to do.
Speaker: And instead of just sticking to what you want to do in your heart and soul, what you want to see, what you want it to feel like when you're hiking up the mountain, you're just allowing yourself to be pulled in every direction that the people in your life want to go to really without considering yourself. You're just like, well, they want to go this way, so I guess we're going this way.
Speaker: That's kind of what it's like when you're in a relationship or a friendship that you aren't on the same page about what you want to see from life and what you want it to look like.
Speaker: And I don't want to say that you need to like get rid of all the people in your life that don't like every single thing that you like. But when you start to set like boundaries, like I don't want to go that way, then it's almost as if you can go your way and then if you're meant to, you'll meet up with them again.
Speaker: And maybe if it's a partner, you're like, okay, we'll go that way for a little bit, but then let's go my way and then we'll you know and do some kind of compromising and dance. But when two people just completely want to go in different directions –
Speaker: then it's got to be okay to just say, okay, well, that's their journey. Love that for them. But I don't want that to be my journey and that's okay.
Speaker: So I just have to go at it alone. And I probably think about this more than I should because I've mentioned before working through the guilt of not wanting to go in the same direction as someone that I thought I would go all the way up the mountain with in the same direction.
Speaker: But I want, I know that if I'm feeling this way, that I think a lot of us in life, it's already hard enough to know what direction we want to go in. And so having someone to kind of like just follow and not have to think about things can seem great in theory.
Speaker: But if it's really not what you want, it can it can end up being a lonely journey because you're not here, in my belief, in this world, on this planet, doing this life to conform to someone else's path only.
Speaker: You know? do you understand? is it Can you feel that? You can do a lot for people and they can be in your life and significantly a big part of it. But your whole soul purpose in life isn't just to do someone else's path.
Speaker: And then that could be another person. That could be what your parents think. That could be what society has molded into your brain. And now you're like, this is the path I have to be on. There's no other way.
Speaker: You know, and I think the more we kind of take a break from all the distractions in life, and that's probably why maybe people say it's like woo-woo, but like meditation or just time without stimulation, you're like, do I even like this? Do I even want to do this? Is this even for me?
Speaker: And I honestly will say that I know people in my life that don't want to think like that. They don't want to stop and go, is this what I want? Because it's easier to not think about things.
Speaker: And I also think it's usually if you don't want to think about it, it's because the answer is this isn't what you want. And that can be a hard reality to face because we can start bringing shame to ourselves like, oh my gosh, I should have done this. I should have done that. We're blaming shame in ourselves. But I'm here to tell you in this episode that that is not what No, there's no wrong way. Sometimes we might just be taken off the beaten path and it'll take us a little bit longer, but we can always end up finding our way to the things that we want from life, whether that's to see a waterfall, ah camp under the stars, all of the pretty things that you want from life.
Speaker: Or maybe you don't like camping and you're like a glamper vibe, whatever. The point is, is that the amount of time is irrelevant.
Speaker: you didn't You're not too far behind. you weren't None of that is even true. And know in launching my affirmation cards that I just did,
Speaker: They really are there to remind you that it's always working out. So even if you are getting into a headspace of like beating he yourself up about past things that you did, decisions you made, people you spent way too much time with that drained your energy or made you feel bad, none of that really matters.
Speaker: It's really what you're doing right now. That is the only relevant point to anything. And I'm not saying that those past experience didn't give you lessons, didn't train you, and could have hurt you.
Speaker: But all that molds what will be is what you're doing in this very moment. It doesn't have to be everything that happened in ah in the past.
Speaker: And that is a point that I feel like we all kind of forget sometimes as we're living life. We just have to roll and have peace with the twists and turns of life. It's kind of just like, okay, like it's not that big of a deal. And I hold that in a lot because I feel like I do this myself. Sometimes I'm like, oh my gosh, this is – what going to do? Oh my I have this. And and then I'm like,
Speaker: Heather, this doesn't even matter. Like it's not that serious. Like it's legit, not even that big of a deal. I'm hyping it up like this is this big, huge deal. Oh my gosh, oh my gosh. And then I'm like, is this a big deal?
Speaker: Does this even really matter? Will I even think about this in a few years? Like will I even remember why I was freaking out? Like no, no, no. Almost majority of the time and I swear whatever you're worrying about right now, think about it. Will it matter in five years? Probably not.
Speaker: Probably not. And then I even take another level of him like, yeah, this might matter in five years. It's like, well, could I die tomorrow? Mm-hmm. I could. – so Five years, I might not even be here. And I don't mean that like in this morbid way of like, oh my gosh, I could die at any time. It's so sad. But I'm just like, I think I'm just so at peace with like your time is your time and we all don't know. And so why aren't we getting joy out of all of the moments and why are we letting so many things suck out our joy or take us down a path we don't want to be on?
Speaker: Like I don't want to go there. And I used to think it was so rude to tell someone like, nah, I don't really want to do that. And the thing about me is if you know me, like I like to do most things. I'm like, I'm pretty much down for anything. Like I've probably talked about this before. Like and try something new. I just went duck hunting for my first time. Best time ever. Love it. Definitely will go again. So much fun.
Speaker: But like I've been skydiving, whitewater rafting, like there's nothing that I'm like ah hiked angels landing, like don't mind heights, like all the things, like whatever. I'll try it.
Speaker: But like you want to go sit inside a movie theater when it's sunny outside? Like I don't really want to do that. That's a that's a no.
Speaker: Like I would – and the old me, the old version of me would have been like, oh, but they yeah, they want to go. I'll go. i mean, if that's what they want to do. But it's like now I'm like, no.
Speaker: Like I don't want to do that. And I'm not saying you can't compromise, but if you truly don't want to do something, you shouldn't. And I think i'm I'm bringing this up so much because I feel like
Speaker: I don't know if I'm one of the only ones, but I really, really felt like I had to say yes to things for other people for so long that I didn't want to do because I felt like that was being polite. That was nice. That's what I should do.
Speaker: And then i had a mentor of mine say like, well, if you say no, what what's going to happen? And I'm like, well, what if they get mad and then they're mad and then they don't want to you know, whatever. And he's like, okay, well, is that the kind of friend you want to have?
Speaker: Is that was the kind of people you knew want in your life? And it's like, no. He's like, and would you do that if they did the same?
Speaker: they told me, no, I don't want to go on this hike. You wouldn't be mad. You wouldn't guilt them into it. And I'm like, no. So then I realized it's only rude to the people that don't really want to be in my life.
Speaker: Or it's only rude to the people that just maybe aren't meant to be in my life for that point in time. Because When someone genuinely cares about you and they want you to do something and you really just are like a good, you know, honest with them, like i i that doesn't really something I want to do and they get upset, they're like selfishly upset at you because they're not getting what they want.
Speaker: And when you think about it, like how much – you're you're You're feeling bad to even say you don't want to do it because you care about them so much. But the amount that they care about you is less because they're now mad that you don't want to do what they want to do.
Speaker: As if you're entitled to do what they want to do all the time. And if you kind of see where I'm going with this, I tie this into trying to release the guilt from me leaving is because i had...
Speaker: express what I needed. And then when I i decided to that I was leaving, you're mad at me for not choosing you over me, what I want.
Speaker: And I think about it now. And if someone really was in my life as much as I cared for them, and they really felt like me being in their life is not what they wanted,
Speaker: I wouldn't want to guilt them into staying with me if that's not what they want. And I think that that's just the whole point of this, just how life is.
Speaker: We cannot force things to stay in our life, and we should not guilt orself for ourselves for not wanting to do certain things. Like, we just don't.
Speaker: And I have someone really – think I might have mentioned this, but I have someone really close to me that I am struggling – well, I try to use my words because they're so important. I am but really going through the motions in my mind of how I can help this person.
Speaker: And I think sometimes we just have to give – people grace, but we have to let them all live their own journeys. They just have to do what works for them.
Speaker: And I feel like that's super hard sometimes when you care about someone to just let them be. But I feel like you have to imagine realizing that there's nothing more you can do for others and you you didn't or you aren't giving up on them.
Speaker: But you it's not your responsibility to fix them because you can't. And I know I've talked about this before, but I feel called to remind you that this journey is just your own.
Speaker: And outside of like young children that you're raising and they can't take care of yourself, anyone grown, they can have grace and you can be supportive and you can give a love and you can care for them. But you cannot fix anyone and you have to just choose your own journey.
Speaker: You just have to pick your own journey. There was a lyric in this song I'm obsessed with. You know, I'm going to go there. And it says, i want more than you.
Speaker: and you need more than me. It's not what we want, but it's how things got to be. That's Lily by Christian Hayes.
Speaker: And I feel like the line, I want more than you, and you need more than me, is probably the truest
Speaker: statement that I've been able to feel reflect my marriage. And I know it's different for all of us and we just have different experiences.
Speaker: And even talking about it and reflecting on it, as hard as it was, I'm very grateful for what an amazing partner I had for a lot of the time, even if you know it didn't work out.
Speaker: I would still say as hard as marriage can feel, like 10 out of 10, I'm glad I did it. And I'm glad that it was with that person that it was.
Speaker: ah gosh, dang. I wasn't like planning on thinking about all of this. But um I guess all I'm saying is that even when things could feel like a failure – they're just a lesson.
Speaker: There's no failures. There's nothing that you're doing wrong. It's really all your mindset. And that's why when I wanted to share the affirmation cards with you all. It's really because I truly, truly know that our thoughts and our mind is so powerful in the creation of things and how we're looking at situations helps guide us to better places in the future.
Speaker: I know I'm where I am because I changed my mind about it. And I want you to know all of that power that's within you as well.
Speaker: and I'll tell you this little story that is making me realize how hard some of us are on ourselves. and I think I've brought up before that when I hear people you know saying things to themselves, it's like such negative self-talk.
Speaker: I realized like Recently, i was we were doing something with a ah friend of mine, and he kept being like, oh, I probably messed up. i didn't I didn't do this. I didn't do And I was like, what are you talking about?
Speaker: You like did a great job. you did per like what it now what Why? And he had had a partner that didn't really give him those accolades, wasn't saying those things.
Speaker: And it reminded me of like what I kind of talked about in the last episode of, you know, when you hear things from other people, you start believing them to be true about yourself.
Speaker: And that's why it's really so important to advocate for yourself and choose you. And it's not rude. like if someone was like, I think about this, like,
Speaker: I love to write. i love to write. And i wrote – I've been writing songs most of my whole life, literally since I can remember, um like early elementary or late elementary, sixth, seventh grade.
Speaker: And I used to be able to sing really better. And then i felt like my voice changes. I got older and – you know, whatever. i don't really normally sing in front of people. But I remember my ex-husband – and i this is kind of part it This is in parallel with the story I'm talking about, this friend of mine. ex-husband, I remember one time we were in Hawaii and they went golfing and I think I went like surfing. with I don't know. I wasn't there. They went golfing. We went surfing. We
Speaker: We came back and they're like, yeah, we met this really cool guy we got paired up with on the course and da-da-da-da-da. And somehow you came up and i because he was like a songwriter or I don't know. And I told him that you're really good at writing songs but you can't sing.
Speaker: And i really believed that when he would tell me that I wasn't a good singer. And I'm not claiming to be a good singer now, but I'm saying that it really – I made my mind that that was true because he told me that.
Speaker: And, you know, when you care about someone so much, what they say to you really sticks with you and you're like, oh, yeah, I mean, i mean I'm not – I mean, i I guess it was a somewhat – and I know he didn't mean it this way, but like a backhanded compliment. Like, you can really write, but you can't sing, which is fine. But – Then you're like, well, I can't sing. so So it kind of like adds this like layer of like in the back of your mind, you can't do something.
Speaker: And when we choose ourselves in our journey and just like my friend, like is saying all these negative things and I'm realizing like his partner was saying probably these things and then he was like believing them to be true just like I was about singing.
Speaker: And it's when we care about someone and we're kind of people pleasing or not to choosing our own journey, we're like accepting their journey, their their words as our truth.
Speaker: And that's why it's important to pick our path. If I was a different person, maybe I would have said, i can sing. You don't – I think I can sing.
Speaker: Like, why wasn't I sticking up for myself? And honestly, to this day, I don't really know that I would say I can sing, but I don't know it was necessary for him to say I couldn't.
Speaker: And I'm not like upset at him or blaming him. And like, I know we all say things that is whatever. But what I'm saying is what a powerful thought it is as I now am in Nashville and meet people and they're like, oh, can you sing? And it's like in my head, I'm like, no, no, I can't sing.
Speaker: Because that's what I've been told, you know? And so it's just wild to me that this whole journey, it that's why it's so important to try to pick the path that makes you feel the best.
Speaker: Because who you're who you're on the hike with, who you're on the journey with, how they speak to you, how you feel when you're with them, the direction that you head, all of those things make up what your life is.
Speaker: that's That's the whole thing. The whole life is who you're with, what you're seeing, what you're doing, how you feel. That's life. That's literally life in a nutshell.
Speaker: Isn't that wild to think? So I really just wanted this to be a reminder that you're the only person that can change your life and what it feels like and what you see and what you hear and what you're doing.
Speaker: Just you. And i want to kind of like leave you with a thought to tease you for the next one. Before I do, i need one more plug though.
Speaker: Give me a little. um I'm so grateful if you purchase affirmation cards on my website, by the way, wanderingthewildmess.com. That absolutely means the world. And I promise you, I'm going to get some feedback.
Speaker: I cannot wait for you to read them. I feel like no matter who you are, they are so helpful in just telling yourself these nice things and reading them.
Speaker: it's just It's just, it's magic. You can think whatever. I told you I'm delusional, but it's magic. So you should get you some. But i told you starting in February I'm going to go to biweekly. i still have some more exciting stuff. But this is what I want to leave you with for the next time.
Speaker: And I want you just to think about life more than this like busy, busy, got to do this, this, and this. Think about your life.
Speaker: What would you change in your life? If you gave yourself full permission to walk away, to stop doing, to go in the direction you want to from anything that doesn't serve you, that doesn't feel good, what would you change?
Speaker: I know you've thought about it. Maybe. I try to think that everyone thinks like me and I know they don't. But I want you to give yourself that What would you change in your life if you gave yourself full permission to just do whatever you want?
Speaker: One little random last thought I'll give you because this is wild for me to think about. But like, what if... I'm like the only person here and like y'all are here, you're doing it. But like you only know what's going on in your own mind, like just you. And then everyone else is just like some added character just in this simulation of life and they're just there. And it's like, they don't even really think about you. You're just, you're just there.
Speaker: We worry so much and don't give our permission to just be whoever we want to be. And we're so, fixated on everything outside of us that we just don't allow ourselves to feel the way we want to feel.
Speaker: I want you to feel however you want to feel. So check out my website, listen to some old episodes, feel all the feels, and thank you so much for being here.
Speaker: I just want to open your mind to things and thoughts that maybe you don't have and maybe they can spark some kind of change, some kind of peace, some kind of grace you give yourself. That's really what my mission is.
Speaker: I'm so very grateful for you listening to Wandering the Wild Mess with Heather Morgan. You matter.
