Transcript
Heather Morgan: How many times have you told yourself you wanted something in your life to change? that you wanted things to be different. to feel different, to live differently, but somehow you keep waking up feeling like you're living the same. Life on repeat.
Heather Morgan: Same patterns, same problems, same conversation. This episode will help you change your mind and see. through the mess.
Heather Morgan: And if nothing changes. Nothing. changes. Welcome to Wandering the Wild Mess with Heather Morgan. I am so...
Heather Morgan: Happy you're here. Hi, y 'all. I'm so happy you're here. I cannot wait to get into this with you because I know you are ready for a change.
Heather Morgan: A lot of times I just. can feel it from the people that I meet, people that are coming into my life, that so many people are feeling stuck. Right now.
Heather Morgan: Like I said, same patterns, same problems, same conversation. And at some point we have to ask. ask ourselves this really uncomfortable question. If I want my life to change, what am I actually doing?
Heather Morgan: differently. And. I want to talk about this because I feel very well versed in this as something I learned through walking through my own starting over journey. And it's the truth that nothing changes as nothing changes. And at some point.
Heather Morgan: You have to realize if you want a different life, it requires different actions, different behaviors, different. patterns, different people. You can't have the same life.
Heather Morgan: And. Think that. it's going to be different Right? Like... And so today I want to talk about why we stay stuck. And how we... keep repeating the same patterns and the power of really renewing our minds to allow a new us, a new life.
Heather Morgan: To enter. And so if you're feeling this, I definitely want you to really hone in. With me? And because I know as someone who was. so trying to study everything and figure out how do I just make my life easier.
Heather Morgan: Babe. The life has to change. Things have to be uncomfortable. We often want. ourselves to be able to easily fall back into the life that we want. But that often takes discomfort.
Heather Morgan: to get there. And I sadly had to come to that really real ah realization. But I also think, I can say sadly, but I also think it's... Good.
Heather Morgan: Because discomfort is growth. Because it means you're putting yourself in situations that are uncomfortable and you're tolerating that. That creates discipline. That creates you allowing your mind to experience something different, which only expands it and is more open to. different possibilities so there's a lot here to unpack so let's kind of get into it First half I If you don't know, which you do maybe at some level, why we stay stuck.
Heather Morgan: I've talked about this a little before, but This is a lot, I think, for anyone that's been married and have... or in a long relationship. And we often stay because... And i'm this is, again, not like...
Heather Morgan: telling you what decisions to make in your life. But I'm just using this as an example. is when you feel... When something's familiar, it feels safe to us.
Heather Morgan: Safe in the sense that. We know our minds know what to expect. Because we've been doing this a long time. so your mind's like, okay, well, this is probably what tomorrow's going to hold. This is what this is going to look like. This is what this. And so you're in this like loop of safety as far as when it comes to what you expect.
Heather Morgan: right? There's a familiarity to the expectations. even when we're unhappy. And so. Often when we want to change our life, We.
Heather Morgan: repeat the same behaviors. And somehow we just expect a different. outcome. So. a perfect example in my mind to that would be I...
Heather Morgan: Thought. That if I just let time go. That. my life would suddenly change in my marriage. Like one day I just wake up and like,
Heather Morgan: You know drinking wasn't a priority in my ex -husband's life. I know that sounds really delusional or like I'll just be over it and I'll be fine. or All of the thing conversations we never had will just...
Heather Morgan: removed from my mind and be gone. like It sounds so delusional when I say that out loud, but I think so many times we're all like kind of betting that things are just going to wash themselves away and we won't have to do anything.
Heather Morgan: About it. Like some magical wave will just come in and it's like.
Heather Morgan: betting on betting on a prayer and I'm all for prayer. And renewing your mind and all of that. But. It's not really a great bet. It's kind of like playing the lottery.
Heather Morgan: You may win. It could happen But when you're betting on some, a whole bunch of money just to come in and wipe out. all of your financial woes, like that's.
Heather Morgan: That may never happen. And that's a lot of like. what we move through. We stay stuck. playing the lottery thinking well we could do the same things and then somehow it'll swoop in and change We're waiting for people or circumstances. Oh, maybe that random opportunity that I'm not doing anything to attract will just come in my lap.
Heather Morgan: And. We don't realize that. What we're really saying is we're kind of too afraid to even move in the direction of being that person or doing that thing.
Heather Morgan: that the change really requires. And. the I think the easiest example of staying stuck that people do is like that. idea like idea of even going to the gym, like the first time it's like, everyone wants to. you know, be fit and this and that. But like, you actually have to like. Start doing things.
Heather Morgan: that would make you be such. You have to... Pick different meals. Say no to certain foods that you know are tempting for you.
Heather Morgan: making the effort to walk, take the stairs, go to the gym. All those things seem so elementary and like, yeah, of course we know that. Duh. But yet many people.
Heather Morgan: whether it's in weight loss or relationships or whatever, keep doing the same patterns and complaining about the same things that don't change. And it goes back to what I'm saying. Nothing changes if nothing changes.
Heather Morgan: And so you get to a point where, and that's where I was at the end of my marriage, which if you've listened along for this journey, thank you. I love you. You got me and I got you. you know that At some point in my marriage, I finally was like,
Heather Morgan: Heather You have been waiting.
Heather Morgan: For almost 15 years for someone one to change. And. Nothing changes if nothing changes. and you know what i had to get to that point like this is not something i can change And so I have to change.
Heather Morgan: What I can change, and that is. To leave the situation. that I want to change. And that's how it changed for me.
Heather Morgan: And that is the same with the things in your life that you want to be different. It always takes. an action that's different than the actions you're doing. today.
Heather Morgan: and complaining about your situation. is easy. You can talk about it until you're blue in the face. You could even... Read about it. you could know You could know what needs to change, but you have to be ready and be that person that's willing to actually step out and be like, I want this to change. And I think that's often why a lot of people don't change until they do hit that rock bottom. scenario.
Heather Morgan: Because at that point, they're like. I've got to change. I can't keep living this way. But you don't have to wait to get there. I think you just have to wake your desire up enough to be Done with yourself.
Heather Morgan: where you've been. And say, if nothing changes, nothing changes. So what can I change? in my life And I had to stop asking if things could be different and start.
Heather Morgan: and And start looking at what. I actually wanted to be different. I knew I didn't want to wake up Every day. worried about the things I was worried about in my old life.
Heather Morgan: that were out of my control. And so I realized the only way that I wasn't going to live my. the rest of my life. worrying. And in that. state of anxiety about those things that I had to leave.
Heather Morgan: And I... and The crazy part about it is It's not like when you make that. Better. better decision for yourself, whatever it is. that it's just immediately comfortable.
Heather Morgan: Right? There's a lot. That's a whole other journey when you come into like doing something new because it's really comfortable or uncomfortable so it's so easy to want to go back and i've talked about this before i think people that know this in divorces or even breakups.
Heather Morgan: You know, you end something, you know it's not working, but there's a desire like, I want my old life back. I want to go back. And that's not just in relationships. That's in. anything that you're not yet anchored in that new identity, that new life, that new change.
Heather Morgan: you could want to go back. That's why they say like, what is it, 21 days to create a habit or whatever amount of time. You have to give it time to like anchor in that new familiar. Yeah. Because when your first... not doing something, there's a pull to like come back into it. And I'll give a good example of just like my current life right now. Y 'all bringing you into the mix. Like I have not.
Heather Morgan: drank in over four months. And. You know, I had been, you know, kind of removing it from my messy days. It wasn't serving me well. And I just kind of haven't really had the pull or desire. It wasn't like a plan thing. That's why I haven't shared it with y 'all. But.
Heather Morgan: I realized that kind of there were moments where it was like. oh i kind of miss the like fun messy me and i've talked about that before and i don't really want The life she had.
Heather Morgan: because it it it didn't really feel... good after. And I heard someone say this. They said, The thing that you do in the moment that feels good.
Heather Morgan: that you That doesn't feel good later. is the thing you should stop doing? And the thing that fills... Good. or doesn't feel good while you're doing it, but feel good feels good afterward.
Heather Morgan: is the thing you should keep doing.
Heather Morgan: Take that in. Should I say it again? The thing you do that feels good in the moment. but feels awful. Afterwards. You should stop doing. But the thing That feels awful.
Heather Morgan: while you're doing it. but feels good afterwards. are more of the things you should keep doing. and think of it through the lens of like you finally go to the gym and you get a good workout in during, you didn't want to get there. You're like, ah and then after you're like, Oh my gosh, million bucks.
Heather Morgan: That's kind of like the night. That is what I love now But those nights out, they'd be fun drinking, da -da -da. And then the next morning, the anxiety and the, oh my gosh, did I text someone? How do I feel? Like, da -da -da, did I say something stupid? All of that was like.
Heather Morgan: No. Mm -mm. Not worth it. And. I think that goes back to... Everything in life takes that you really want takes a level of discipline. And sometimes we don't realize that there's discipline in like...
Heather Morgan: delaying gratification. So yes, that night out would have been fun in that moment. But the better gratification is the next day feeling like a million bucks instead of not.
Heather Morgan: And. I think that that's just a ah good reminder of. Our thoughts. really influence our choices.
Heather Morgan: And when we can think. a little bit less immediate gratification. and emotions in the moment. And more. not even long -term, but longer -term, like... How will I feel the next day? It doesn't even matter about that. Sometimes it's like, is this getting me closer to the life I want to have? And I'm not saying like never have any fun at all, but I do think that.
Heather Morgan: In a building phase that I feel like I'm in, I'm in this really season of like forming me and wanting to create a different life. I'm not fully anchored enough.
Heather Morgan: to still be teetering and dancing with things that aren't good for me. because I really want to anchor where I'm going in and like root myself into this new identity of.
Heather Morgan: Feeling like I'm. pulling everything together. And when you're not fully rooted and anchored in something, you will sway any other way. and It's easy to go back to the same old loop And that's what happens to a lot of us. And I have so many friends. that I've spoke to in this kind of situation where they know.
Heather Morgan: This action is not good for them. They're begging for things to be different in their life. and they know what they need to do, but they haven't. been able to fully. Anchor themselves.
Heather Morgan: Into. The identity that's uncomfortable. will which means. not going out when they want to. going to the gym over doing that other thing.
Heather Morgan: putting out. you know, the things they want to do in their business without wondering how they'll be received. Like there's so much. in the discomfort that we often prevent.
Heather Morgan: And hold back from doing. The things that we know we should be doing because we're like. I just feel like it'll be uncomfortable. I don't know why we're so afraid of discomfort too. i do ah Sometimes I'll literally be like,
Heather Morgan: pushing myself away from doing something that I could easily fix and solve. after I do it, it's like so quick, but because I have to do it, I'm like, I don't want to. And I have to like convince myself to like.
Heather Morgan: It's not even the thing. It's like. Heather. Do you want to be the kind of person that just handles things right now? Why are you doing this delayed? Wait until the last moment thing. Like I thought we're not doing that anymore. I literally have those conversations with myself. And it's such a, like, it's such an interesting journey because
Heather Morgan: I feel like transformation requires putting what you're learning about yourself into practice because so many times we all learn. How to be better. We all like love the personal growth journey. We love the growth mindset. We love to... you know talk about how we we know all these things, but actually putting them into practice is like a whole other beast.
Heather Morgan: It's a whole other you know Again, I think about that. with divorce. And I'm just tying it back because thinking about getting divorced and hearing people say like, I think I might want to get divorced, blah, blah, blah, blah. Opposed to actually.
Heather Morgan: Getting one?
Heather Morgan: Totally different. talking about starting a business.
Heather Morgan: And starting a business, I mean... What I realize any really uncomfortable larger journey does for you. is that it unpacks...
Heather Morgan: and reveals so many like insecurities and so many doubts and so many things that sometimes it's almost like you. open this closet door to a whole bunch of things you didn't want to look at and they're all staring at you and you have to like walk through that door and just start facing them all one by one and it's like very intimidating or you just say, you know what?
Heather Morgan: And you shut the door and you go back to your old life. You don't start the business You stay in the toxic relationship. You keep eating those.
Heather Morgan: Doritos. And sitting on the couch. and you stay.
Heather Morgan: With the devil you know. Instead of the devil, you don't.
Heather Morgan: And then you have to sit with the truth. That I said. And I know. Nothing changes if nothing changes. And so it really becomes a place where.
Heather Morgan: You just have to make up your mind. Which... Which devil you want to live with?
Heather Morgan: And the crazy thing when I, I've thought about this a lot before. It is the devil you know the devil you know opposed to the devil you don't. We're always worried about. the unknown, what we don't know. Our nervous systems are honestly wired to stay in the familiar. So that's a part of the challenge. Like literally...
Heather Morgan: Um, We do have. things that hold us back because we're overly worried about how it will all work out. But. I...
Heather Morgan: You realize in your life that everything that you've ever done at some point was you didn't know. how it would work out. And when you talk to other people, which that's part of why I love sharing this.
Heather Morgan: Me moving across the country alone, people are like, what the – I can't believe that was so brave. But looking back and I was actually just talking to a girl that did the same, moved here from Michigan on a whim and she was saying like her family friends that have all lived there are like, I can't believe you did that and she's all – weird thing is it really wasn't as hard as like people are acting like.
Heather Morgan: Not that it's like easy to start your whole life over. There's all these emotions, but it's like. It's also not easy to stay where you don't want to be. And so it's just, it ends up becoming A choice and the story you tell yourself about what's happening in your life.
Heather Morgan: Are you telling yourself, oh, you know, I'll just stay where I am because this is easier? Are you saying? You know, I could go somewhere else and I could do this other thing and I could just figure it out along the way. It really comes down to.
Heather Morgan: Did I just say that? The story you tell yourself. Because it does. And the biggest thing I think for me. That I want to kind of like leave you. in Like with this episode, because.
Heather Morgan: I realized that you... Really can't keep thinking the same way and making the same decisions and expecting a different life. And every time that I have resistance to do something that I know I should do.
Heather Morgan: for the life that I'm building and creating that I'm so grateful y 'all are here to like witness me on this journey. I freaking. Love you guys so much. but um Like. I think to myself like,
Heather Morgan: Is this? getting me closer to the life I want.
Heather Morgan: Or not. Because if it is, I'm just going to have to suck it up. And do it. And it's not going to be as hard as I'm making it out to be.
Heather Morgan: So I just have to do it. Just keep going.
Heather Morgan: And if you can take anything from this, I just... Want you to. Put down the fear. of having to have it all figured out.
Heather Morgan: and just change something small Because once you start seeing... how a small change. compounds into a big one after so much time.
Heather Morgan: You're like. whoa, this is really working. When I do something different.
Heather Morgan: repetitively, it gets easier and easier and easier and easier. Until it's like, look at me. I'm strong. And I know that sounds so silly. But.
Heather Morgan: It's so true. things do become easier. When you make that decision over and over, you train your nervous system, the one that's like, this isn't familiar.
Heather Morgan: The only way to get something new familiar is to keep doing it over and over again, which is why we go back to habits, right? And. Clearly. There's like two pieces of this puzzle.
Heather Morgan: You got to change the things. But you also have to believe that you're the person that can. And that's why we've talked about this before. I've talked about this before. Identity is so big because you got to be like, I can be that person. And I want to tell the last little story that I was loving.
Heather Morgan: um that really made me. And I think you should do this because i i'm I'm a big... component of like evidence stacking. So like putting in your notes app, like great things that happen that take evidence of your wins.
Heather Morgan: This is a great one. Men and women. I actually had one of my guy friends send me a whole... thing about some of his accomplishments and he kind of I think he should be more much more confident that he is.
Heather Morgan: He's a great guy. and um He needed that. And i I realized like he was showing me and I was like, yeah, I'm so proud of you. You should be so proud of you. And I realized enough people don't give themselves credit. So it makes it harder for them to like keep going in directions because they're not like seeing the They're not reminding themselves of the fruits of all of these. Little. actions and behaviors.
Heather Morgan: And so if you can have like a little evidence locker of all the like wins that you've done by these changes, you you start. renewing your mind with, oh, look, I changed that and look what came from it. I did that and look what came from it. And these could even be like things with your finances, right? It's like, oh, you know, I wasn't using my...
Heather Morgan: you know, Netflix. And so I canceled it. Now I'm saving, I don't even know how much Netflix costs, but whatever. I'm saving X amount a month. And then you just like. Times that by 12 and you're like, annually, I've saved this much. And it's like so silly little things, but that one change.
Heather Morgan: If nothing changes, nothing changes. That one change saved you. This. And. When we can play those little games in our mind like that. It sounds silly, but it's like we all love a win.
Heather Morgan: A win's a win. What is it? A win is a win. a win is so when We all love the wins. And so the small wins that you can take. And you're like, oh man, that feels good. And I want to toot my own horn because.
Heather Morgan: I don't know why. I just do because um I needed this, honestly. And this is just one of those moments where. And sometimes you, you know, it's not an ego thing. It's just like, yeah, I'm going to be proud of myself because I changed something. And I think I told you all like, and I will probably talk about it a little more, but I'm really proud of myself. I feel really strong.
Heather Morgan: Um. And I've been doing strength training and going to Pilates twice a week. And I went to Pilates the other day. And it was a new instructor I've never had before. You only go twice a week, so i I don't know. But anyways, and we were doing the...
Heather Morgan: you know, we did the whole workout and I'm feeling super, super strong. And at the end, she's like, oh, I saw you. You were like doing a pushup. You should try this. And we were talking and she was saying like, yeah, you're, you have like a really strong build, you know? And
Heather Morgan: we won't go into the whole thing, but I've definitely fluctuated a lot over my life. I have not always felt super strong. And so. It just was like. Oh, someone perceives me as strong?
Heather Morgan: And it just felt. really good because I think sometimes we work towards something but then we don't see that the fruits of that is someone seeing that we're strong. And not that I needed like Hurt. validation. But what I needed was to remind myself is You are putting in all this time.
Heather Morgan: And something has changed.
Heather Morgan: because Someone is seeing your strength. from the time that you're putting into this.
Heather Morgan: right? And you know I don't have a lot of witnesses in my life right like you know I'm in a more lonely isolated season Um, Then before I don't do that much, I'd go to a few handful of places and I just don't.
Heather Morgan: Have a lot of. you know people in my life. So I don't have a lot of witnesses for someone to even say that to me. And so. If you're in that sitch and you're feeling a little bit alone, that's why I was saying it's so important to put that in the notes app.
Heather Morgan: Because if no one's telling you. how much change has happened or the great wins that you're having. Show them to yourself.
Heather Morgan: Because those positive reinforcements. help you. realize it's actually working. that something is changing. And... when you start seeing changes, you're like,
Heather Morgan: I was telling a ah friend the other day on after that whole thing because I was so proud of it. I was like, then she said I was strong. I was all excited about it. She goes, oh, oh that's so cool. Yeah, yeah. And I was like.
Heather Morgan: And now I want to keep being strong. Because I love the identity of me as a strong person. and I think that's kind of what that does when you reinforce the change.
Heather Morgan: Right? Because I... I'll circle back one last time, but when I have my friends that know what they need to change and they don't. And they say, I know, Heather, I need to change this, but I know what I need to do, but I'm not doing it.
Heather Morgan: And then they they they carry like a little bit of the shame. I could feel it. Like how do I how do I not do this? how I say when you're ready, you will. When you're ready, you will. You have to decide you actually want.
Heather Morgan: The other thing, more than you want to be comfortable.
Heather Morgan: I woke up the other morning with the idea. of comfort over or obedience over comfort. Discipline over comfort. When you can choose. To stick to the script of who you want to be and become.
Heather Morgan: more than being comfortable. You will. Follow suit and do it. But when you're still... in the loop of I'd rather be comfortable, it just can't happen. You're not going to grow in that comfort zone. And so when my friend said that I said, remove the shame.
Heather Morgan: And then remind yourself. Of. how good it feels when you don't, when you like, when you. don't do the like when you follow through i guess is a better way to say when you follow through With what? you know is the right decision.
Heather Morgan: It's such a good feeling. And writing that down and then going back to it before that decision be like, oh my gosh, I did that right. And that felt so much better. You can almost revisit that joy and then be like, yeah, we're in it again. But that's like a really... When I'm saying this, I hope you know, like it's a very self -aware place. It sounds kind of exhausting as I'm saying it. But the more you do it. the easier it gets. And then you don't have to look at your notes app every time. You just have to be like. it
Heather Morgan: We're not doing this. We're doing this. And. um Yeah. Nothing changes if if nothing changes is is kind of my my favorite. thought So I'll kind of leave you with this.
Heather Morgan: because I want you to think about this. As we're ending, you know whatever you're wanting to come. of this time in your life. I know there's so many things that we all feel stuck in. And I and i think at some point, there's always going to be things.
Heather Morgan: But I want you to think about... That one thing in your life that you keep wishing would change. Maybe it's a relationship. Maybe it's your health, your habits, your career. or the way you see yourself.
Heather Morgan: How long? Have you been wishing that things were different?
Heather Morgan: Think about that.
Heather Morgan: How long?
Heather Morgan: And now I ask yourself. What am I actually? Doing. differently.
Heather Morgan: You've been wanting that thing. For a long time. But are you? actually doing anything differently.
Heather Morgan: Because if you're not. we can spend Years. waiting for our life to change. Waiting for the right moment. waiting for someone else.
Heather Morgan: Waiting until we feel ready. We know we will not ever feel ready babe. I'm just gonna tell you that But the truth is, we cannot control everything that happens to us, and we certainly can't change other people.
Heather Morgan: but we can change the choices. we make.
Heather Morgan: And sometimes changing your life doesn't start with some massive decision. Sometimes it starts with one small choice. to stop doing. What? You've always. Done.
Heather Morgan: One decision, To break a pattern, One moment where you finally decide. That you want something different. Enough.
Heather Morgan: to do. something. differently. Because nothing changes. If nothing changes.
Heather Morgan: So I hope you think about what that is in your life. And even the smallest. Change.
Heather Morgan: can grow into a whole different life.
Heather Morgan: And if you want that.
Heather Morgan: You're worthy of it. You just have to make the choice.
Heather Morgan: This was Wandering the Wild Mess with Heather Morgan. you Matter.
