Transcript
Heather Morgan: Are you missing them? or just lonely. So often we confuse missing someone with being lonely. We start remembering all the good things, romanticizing what we had, and suddenly questioning a decision we once knew was right.
Heather Morgan: But think about it. Do we actually miss that person? Or do we just miss? Someone. Being there. Welcome to Wandering the Wild Mess with Heather Morgan. I am so happy that You're here.
Heather Morgan: Y 'all, let's talk about it because it's getting that time where. We need to really sit down and say, are you missing them? Or are you just? lonely.
Heather Morgan: And we're going to get into it because I think... Going through what I have in this whole starting over journey, one of the biggest things I learned was through my divorce is that You can miss parts of someone.
Heather Morgan: You can love someone and you can care deeply about them and still know in your heart that that relationship. Isn't right for you anymore And when you're in that still. able to like care about that person in some way.
Heather Morgan: It can sometimes feel like, oh, I miss them. Maybe it should have worked. Maybe it should have. And I want to talk today about... Why we get hung up on exes.
Heather Morgan: Why loneliness can make us... Just want to. force relationships back into our lives that really we know are not meant for us.
Heather Morgan: And why? just surely missing someone. doesn't really mean that we need to seek that relationship out again or that it's for us. And.
Heather Morgan: Let's start with the the basics. If you're right now like missing an ex or the divorce and you're still missing them or the breakup comes right before. You know, what's We're nearing.
Heather Morgan: The end of the year. And so a lot of people like it's. ah All the feels. I realize one of the biggest things in divorce that you feel, and this is really any relationship that ends, is that you start missing this familiarity.
Heather Morgan: My ex -husband knew me like the back of my hand I have not met another man since that just suddenly knew me so well. right? I've had like some really good people in my life, but like to know me at that level, that takes time.
Heather Morgan: You have to build those things up. And so. No one new you meet right away is going to have that same familiarity. and safe feeling. And safe, I just mean like familiar.
Heather Morgan: as someone you actually lived and shared a life with and built a life with at some point. And there's so much comfort in knowing that you don't have to like explain yourself and that person just knows you. And so a lot of why that longing comes is because it was just.
Heather Morgan: Simpler. It was just. what you knew. And I... I think I've mentioned this before but it's really like staying at this job that you don't absolutely love but you're good at it. Like you know what to expect. You know when you're going to have to deliver on things. You know all of those things. And so leaving it just kind of feels overwhelming because you're like.
Heather Morgan: I didn't really like the job but ah I liked it. knowing what was going to happen. because our our We just like to be able to predict things. And so the new job may not seem as great because you're like, oh, I missed it when it was easier.
Heather Morgan: And. That's often how it feels, especially because you're like having to build that familiarity with new people when you start. dating. after a breakup. And sometimes you're not even dating yet. You're just like, and this was me when I was going through my divorce. I was like,
Heather Morgan: This man... just been there through so many seasons of my life. How is anyone else ever going to like? Get me. In the same ways. But I want to offer you a thought that... That.
Heather Morgan: isn't really a reason to stay in a relationship and that's just something that you unfortunately do just have to kind of grieve when a relationship ends is like, oh man, I put a lot of time into that relationship. That person knew me so well and now it's ending.
Heather Morgan: But that's not really a reason to like. Keep wanting it. back if it's not working. That's just like. part of the journey. is going.
Heather Morgan: I'm going to have to start over and that means building. New connections. With new people. and That will take time. But I also think that it's good to remind yourself because I think we often forget.
Heather Morgan: That. And at some point that X that you may be missing. was a stranger too. And somehow you built up that familiarity. Familiar. familiarity with them over all of that time. And so I know we think often like, I don't want to start over again. And I get that. I literally.
Heather Morgan: Get that. And i'll I'll tell you. how I get that and how I think you should be thinking about this because this helped me so much. Because one of the biggest things. When I was... Getting out of my.
Heather Morgan: marriage and it was during the separation and I got I had a therapist. And I was trying to just unpack because this is like a huge decision, right? Like getting a divorce, ending a marriage. This is huge.
Heather Morgan: And I'm talking to the therapist About like I just don't know, you know, I'm already thinking I don't know if I can do this I don't know if I could leave this marriage even though I knew that I really needed to because Too much was out of my control that I really knew.
Heather Morgan: needed to change. And I. was talking to her and she goes okay yeah this is what I want you to do and I'm I'm saying this would be a great. For y 'all to do too, if you're... And that.
Heather Morgan: season of hung up on an ex and you need to see things differently instead of just romanticizing. about everything that was so great about them and that relationship. So this is what she did for me.
Heather Morgan: She said, make a list Of all the reasons that. you would want to stay. in that marriage, that relationship with that person. And I'm not even saying you have that choice. you know Maybe they ended up with you and you don't even have it, but this will just help you see.
Heather Morgan: a little bit more clearly than I think we often do when we're in that like ruminating, romanticizing. fear -based. mindset. So she said, First, all the reasons that you would want to stay with that person.
Heather Morgan: And then all the reasons why you knew. Like that this needed to end. It wasn't working.
Heather Morgan: And what I realized... And you likely will too. And when you put out the list. of why you wanted to stay in the relationship.
Heather Morgan: even when they're like a good person, again, you know i'm not I'm never bashing my ex. I think he... has a... going to be a great husband for somebody else like we're just it was not There was not enough good reasons to stay. The reasons that I was, and she was literally like, what? Like I like put.
Heather Morgan: how old I was. I was like. Well, I'm getting, I'm, you know, I'm getting too old so I can't be single. And she's like. No. Like that's not a reason to stay in a marriage.
Heather Morgan: And then another one was like. well, then it's going to disrupt my friends and all that and all of our traditions and things we we do. And she's like. Like that doesn't have anything to do with the relationship.
Heather Morgan: And. I had to think about it because I'm like. I mean, it has a lot to do with my life and all of these other things, but it like. literally didn't have to do with. It wasn't like. Because him and I have this great communication. We can always you know communicate issues till the end and resolve them. That would have been a good reason to stay.
Heather Morgan: My reasons were... The time we were together. how old I was, how it was going to disrupt the friends. how I didn't want to hurt him, which again, I'm thinking of him. But at the same time, like you can't stay out of like pity or guilt for someone. And so there's all these reasons. to stay.
Heather Morgan: And then, oh, I was like, how am I ever going to meet someone again? And she's like. You can't like stay with someone because you don't know if you'll meet someone else. And really, like, it's funny that I was even writing those things like that because I didn't. realize. And so I think that if you sat down and really was like thinking about your ex and the reasons you want to stay I mean, I could have thought of some more cute things like, oh, it's so fun when we do this thing. But then it's like.
Heather Morgan: It was nothing I could only do with him. I don't know if I'll get to experience it with someone else, but I. Couldn't stay thinking that they're that. There's no way I could enjoy life.
Heather Morgan: Without a him. Because at one point I did.
Heather Morgan: And. So if you're in that space of like missing that. x I just...
Heather Morgan: I just want to offer that. It's always a very hard place to allow yourself to sit in. And Stu? Because I heard something along the lines of.
Heather Morgan: You can't get on the right train. when you're sitting on the wrong one.
Heather Morgan: And sitting on the wrong one feels like just continually. allowing yourself to Only think of the past with this person that. isn't going anywhere a train that's leading you nowhere instead of getting off that train letting it run its course, and then...
Heather Morgan: patiently. Waiting. For the... Right train.
Heather Morgan: i know that can be a lot because you don't know how long until the next train comes. And I really didn't know it was going to be this long for me, but. you know I really know that being
Heather Morgan: in a place where you can build your own life. Is better than. Sitting on the train that's going nowhere. And I know.
Heather Morgan: If you really think about it. For the next. If there's a reason it... Ended. The reason is loud and you know it. it's just easier to think maybe we could make it work. Cause I did that dance for good. Like, I just want my old life back. Maybe we can, maybe we can. It just, it's kind of like. You think it's the easy button?
Heather Morgan: but really it's the delay button.
Heather Morgan: It's delaying the right train. the longer you stay on the wrong one. And I think one thing about that, that sometimes though makes you even miss the ex more. And I'll like talk about this thing that I've heard from a lot of people since being single is that
Heather Morgan: when you try to like date again and you already have that familiarity. So that part's already like you're back to like, oh, what's your favorite color? What's your siblings? All that stuff. But then it's also like. If it's kind of like a miss on a date and you're just like.
Heather Morgan: Ugh. I had so much more fun with my ex, you know, and you start like thinking that that. person that wasn't good for you that you meet this random date makes your ex look better like it's like That.
Heather Morgan: lame date is like evidence that your ex is amazing, Those are not. mutually exclusive. Having a bad date does not mean your ex was amazing.
Heather Morgan: That's another trait of not getting over your ex is finding someone just like them thinking it's going to be a different outcome with them. And I don't know if that.
Heather Morgan: Always works. Because what I realized in that. And I'll kind of like. Step it back to that one relationship. I did have I felt like If you don't learn to like move through and...
Heather Morgan: the ex thing, you never get to a place where you can be okay and content being alone and by yourself. And that's why a lot of people miss their exes because they're lonely. the point of this, you don't miss them, you're lonely. You want someone to fill the time, fill the familiarity, do the things that you used to do. You want...
Heather Morgan: them to fill that space. So you miss. That. You miss the ex, but really you just miss someone being in that place. So what other people do if they don't can't get the ex back. They just feel it. with somebody.
Heather Morgan: Elds. to try to fill that space. But if you haven't like healed through the things, and it's not like you're a whole healing project, but you usually know when a relationship ends, the aspects, if you can be. personally accountable enough to go. What?
Heather Morgan: version of me did I bring to this relationship that did not help it thrive? Because. I will tell you, and i' you know if you've listened, I'm big on personal accountability. like If... You accepted. behaviors in a relationship that were Not okay?
Heather Morgan: You kind of need to ask yourself why. So that you don't. Do that again. Why didn't I? Put my foot down there. Why didn't I walk away in that instance? Why didn't I say something then? Why didn't I set that boundary earlier? All of those kinds of things, right? And I had to do that in my marriage. like I can say why it ended, but it's not without my own.
Heather Morgan: Fault. Because there were things that I accepted. And. That ended up. leading to the end. And so that self -reflection piece is key. And I think the best way to be able to sit and do that is to step back for a minute before you get into the next relationship, before you try to get back with the ex.
Heather Morgan: which I would say 9 out of 10 times I do not recommend. And. You go, okay, like I need to adjust. like It's kind of like, okay, that game plan didn't work. like Nobody's playing. Here's a good analogy. What about this? What about this? Okay. so If you're playing a game and like you try one strategy.
Heather Morgan: And you lose. Right? You're like, here's the strategy of everybody. You know, let's do this. Here's the play. You write it up. Doesn't work. Back to the drawing board.
Heather Morgan: What can we do differently next time? Nobody just keeps using the same play strategy that never works and just like hoping next time it will. You know?
Heather Morgan: It's like. Take yourself back and go, all right, let's take a step back. What didn't work about that? And like... Let's shift it. And change it. and Make it so, hey, this one will probably be a more so successful strategy. This will be a good game plan going into the next one.
Heather Morgan: You know, we don't need to try to. Keep figuring out what went wrong with the lot like. How do we get the last... Play back. It's already...
Heather Morgan: It. It's over.
Heather Morgan: The play ended. We're moving on.
Heather Morgan: I know it's coming up in the holidays and I feel like.
Heather Morgan: ah That's one of those times where you're like. Okay. I don't know. we're I'm single for this season. And I've honestly came to a place of acceptance. And I'm not even saying in this episode, oh, you better accept that you're single because.
Heather Morgan: I think you just have to find joy in your day wherever you are and whatever you want in your life. And I think when you start doing that, when you actually... Start finding. things to be grateful for in your own life.
Heather Morgan: It just opens the floodgates for... A whole different energy inviting in new relationships because you're not like in this lack mindset like trying to find someone like trying to make it a big Deal.
Heather Morgan: And you're not even hung up on an ex. I feel like that's one of the. Happiest.
Heather Morgan: different energies you can bring. And I know a lot of people that are like, oh. I don't want to date someone that's hung up on their ex. And I agree. If you're still hung up on an ex, like how do you even offer yourself into a new relationship?
Heather Morgan: Like. No. No. Nobody wants that. You wouldn't want someone to do that to you and you... Probably shouldn't do that to someone. Like.
Heather Morgan: But the thing is is, I realize I think most of the time it's not. about that X.
Heather Morgan: It's about the unresolved things that you haven't unpacked. The wounds you haven't...
Heather Morgan: worked through. The rejection you feel about the relationship ending. The shame you feel about making that mistake. The guilt you feel about leaving them.
Heather Morgan: that I could name and name and name through experience. But once you start like moving through that. then you really know, okay, well, what do I want to be moving ahead?
Heather Morgan: But you have to be able to like sit in that loneliness long enough. And that's where. that's the hard part. And that's what I've learned in my experience is like, probably.
Heather Morgan: What a lot of people can't do so they just either ruminate on an ex forever or date a whole bunch of people to try to fill the space.
Heather Morgan: And. I will just say. I get why. That feels easier, but the easy path is never the one. That gets you the life you want.
Heather Morgan: And that's not just in relationships. I talk about this. This is all the things. So if it's the easy path.
Heather Morgan: Feeling easy, quickest way. This feels painful. I'm lonely. I either want to get back with my ex or I just want to dump myself into someone that I don't really care about.
Heather Morgan: It isn't it. so Here's what I'll leave you with. The next time you find yourself mix missing an ex, especially someone you know in your heart was not. right for you.
Heather Morgan: Ask yourself. Do I actually miss this person? Or am I lonely? Do I miss the relationship? Or do I miss the familiarity, the comfort, the life I thought I was going to live?
Heather Morgan: Because those are two very different things. And I want... to remind you of something that I said earlier. Keep this one in your head. You cannot. Get on the right train.
Heather Morgan: while you're still sitting on the wrong one. You can appreciate the memories, you can care about someone, and you can even miss miss parts of them. But that doesn't mean you have to go backwards. And just because You haven't found the next doesn't mean that you left what you left behind was right.
Heather Morgan: Sometimes you have to give yourself the opportunity to build something new instead of continually trying to. recreate something that already ended. And maybe the next time you find yourself missing them.
Heather Morgan: you realize you're not actually missing the person. You're just lonely. And that's okay. too.
Heather Morgan: This was Wandering the Wild Mess with Heather Morgan. You matter.
