Transcript
Heather Morgan: I knew divorce was going to change my life. I just don't think I understood how much of my life was going to change with it. because you don't just lose your marriage.
Heather Morgan: You lose the life. You knew. The future you thought you were going to have. and a huge part of your identity And then suddenly... This question gets really loud.
Heather Morgan: What do I do? Now. Welcome to Wandering the Wild Mess. with Heather Morgan. I am so happy you're here.
Heather Morgan: Hi y 'all, I'm so happy to be back and I want to talk about this with you today because this has been on my heart. And I know so many of you have reached out about.
Heather Morgan: how divorce is just such this emotional disruptive. aspect of your life. And I want to talk how divorce really... changed my life. including some of the ways I never expected.
Heather Morgan: and kind of give you an understanding wherever you are in your journey, whether you're early in the divorce process, you're still grieving, you're in the middle, you're on the verge. all of the things or even your life you're just starting over and you're like what does it feel like to start all over. literally from scratch.
Heather Morgan: I don't think that there is a point in time in your life. that I've experienced. In my whole life, because ah you know if you've listened along, I lost my dad when I was 26, so I have grieved.
Heather Morgan: someone really close to me that I didn't expect to lose. But I don't think. There is something like divorce. That disrupts your life in in the the many ways that. It does.
Heather Morgan: Because it really touches on. all of who you once were. everything that you once were is suddenly ripped away and my whole identity and I talk about this before. Like it's an identity death because your identity has been wrapped up in being.
Heather Morgan: That. Wife. husband. You built your whole life around that. And. then it's just no longer. And the other piece that I mentioned before is also just the dynamics with friends and family.
Heather Morgan: Like my father -in -law was extremely important to my life having lost my father. And that relationship just. Poof. Gone with the marriage.
Heather Morgan: And so there's so many things that. get removed from your life. When divorce hits you. And so I want to talk about like what it. feels like.
Heather Morgan: And for those of you that's listened along from the beginning, and if you haven't, you should. But I knew at that. point when I was literally emotionally distraught. Like. Barely able to get myself.
Heather Morgan: I would get myself to work, but it was like I felt like a zombie there. Like it was. I was heavy on the. crying in the bathroom office. like the office bathroom and then just jumping back on a team's call like nothing happened. That was me.
Heather Morgan: And. There were so many emotions that I was like. G. How can it feel like this? You know, and I was and I don't know if you know me and you listen along, you know, I. I just think about everything. So I was just thinking like.
Heather Morgan: And gosh, I remember when my dad died and I remember like seeing ah a table at a restaurant and there was like a dad and daughter and I just broke down and I got really emotional knowing that I was never going to have that experience again.
Heather Morgan: And that's kind of what I could compare this to, but it was like everything. Because instead of just like me and my dad are never going to dinner again, it was kind of like me and a lot of my life is never going to look the same again.
Heather Morgan: I don't know if I'm ever gonna wear a ring. again. I remember taking my ring off. And just being like. This is a different person. In the world without a ring.
Heather Morgan: I'm just. different. Then I was. And it's those little small things about your identity and about who you once were that just feel like. overwhelmingly something you grieve.
Heather Morgan: You know, and and when I look back, it's like there was so many little. times I remember, and I've talked about this before in an earlier episode about like the first wedding I went to and it was.
Heather Morgan: during the separation. And I was just a hot mess. And even like. getting my dress on. and not having someone to zip it. There's so many little moments in that that you start grieving.
Heather Morgan: But you know that. It's what needs to happen. So it's this weird, like. You want your old life back, but yet you know that isn't going to solve this because it's not.
Heather Morgan: it It just it can't be. And another thing that I wrestled with. that I. Think about is really I didn't The crazy thing about divorce is that
Heather Morgan: You don't want to be alone, but you are. So you want to like. Have someone there. But in my mind, I knew I was not ready.
Heather Morgan: to be in any kind of relationship. That was one thing I was clear. It was like this strong desire to have someone there. like to distract or just to make me feel comforted or seen or whatever.
Heather Morgan: And i I know that from a lot of people that get divorced, they seem to just kind of like. It's hard to just be alone. especially when you've had someone. But then I had the mind enough to know that. There is no way I could manage a relationship.
Heather Morgan: And i I talked about that in the podcast. It was like. It was such a... Dance because it's like. yeah, I want someone around, but am I in the mindset to even be a partner?
Heather Morgan: like while I'm fresh off divorce. Like, no, I had to be realistic with myself because. I. I knew I needed to breathe. I know I.
Heather Morgan: And I think the analogy I use is like, I have just been in a ring. Fighting. for my life. I cannot jump back in and try to do. this dance again. I am exhausted.
Heather Morgan: But yet the desire to have someone there was so strong because. You've always you've had someone there I mean, I definitely.
Heather Morgan: couldn't remember not having my husband there for so long. Like when I look back. I mean, at this point we're talking about 14, 15 years of my life. And so.
Heather Morgan: Oh, gosh, just thinking about that, you know. I realized that I finally had to get to the point where loneliness was just freedom. And I had to kind of reframe it that way.
Heather Morgan: And. Because I knew I wasn't ready for a relationship. And then. I realized that that was such an invigorating feeling. Because.
Heather Morgan: As you know, if you've been in relationships, marriages, you're You're you're If you're a... Good partner. You're not just making decisions for yourself. right? You're trying to think like, how will this impact us and their marriage and the relationship I need to do for both of us consider their wants and needs. And so For a long time, I had never considered my own.
Heather Morgan: Needs first. I'm not saying I was a perfect wife, but I definitely. was someone that like. Did not just.
Heather Morgan: care about my husband, you know, so And I'm also just someone that's always very like aware of the and situations. And so.
Heather Morgan: Being able to just only worry about me for once.
Heather Morgan: was like What is this? And I didn't realize what a heavy weight it is sometimes to. be Constantly.
Heather Morgan: worrying about another person. Especially like. with your when you're at a concert or you're whatever like are they having a good time are they this so I think I mentioned how I just cried one time in a concert because I didn't have to worry about.
Heather Morgan: Someone else having a good time. And that sounds so silly, but that's like where I was at. I was like, This is freedom.
Heather Morgan: And I think. There's a cost either way. Right. Like you're either.
Heather Morgan: I mean, I was the cost was. that i was alone Oh my gosh, guys. There's like four deer that just ran in my front yard. and i'm i know i'm off topic here, but isn't that amazing that that actually gets to happen to me? I just love that. so i think that's a good sign that's a sign that we're in a good place with our lives Just take that.
Heather Morgan: as a sign Alright. Back to our normally scheduled programming. So anyways... After that whole mess of like, oh, I have this new freedom. I suddenly became for the plot version of me for the plot.
Heather Morgan: For the plot. For the plot. And that was. What I did in my freedom, messy. Here I am in Nashville era because once I finally got to Nashville. I was like, okay, what am I going to do with my life? And that was still the question. But the crazy thing is I had no one to answer to.
Heather Morgan: And I had. No friends there to like, oh, this isn't you. You're not like this. My head friends had told me that when I was back home.
Heather Morgan: um They were all great, but they knew that like I was being a little wilder than I had as far as like. You know. It was kind of crazy. I was just going to move to Tennessee with no. game plan you know but they were like oh heather will always figure it out So at least I had that.
Heather Morgan: But then I get to Tennessee and I'm like, what am I going to do with myself? And I feel like and I've said this before, that was one of the best things I ever did. was just to pack up and move. But it was also one of the probably more testing and tiring things that I did because i was My emotions were just heavy.
Heather Morgan: And I was just so. Lonely.
Heather Morgan: And I was just so lost. So I just took every opportunity for a new adventure. And that created the messy girl era that I lived in for almost like a few years, if I'm honest.
Heather Morgan: Which is crazy to think. back because I literally saw a video of me. the other day and it was so embarrassing i was like who is that girl and that's one thing i'll tell you about if you're going through the divorce right now, or like you're in the early stages, like, believe me. in a year or so, you're going to look back and be like, wait, that was me.
Heather Morgan: I was like acting like that. I know it. I would say a majority of people going through a divorce will feel that way because The emotions are just so overwhelming that it's hard to just.
Heather Morgan: get jump back into a ribbon a rhythm unless you're really like... You just. I don't know. I mean, there's probably some rare cases, but I think most people really just have to go go through the trenches.
Heather Morgan: And. And that first. Yeah, so there was... The night before. We drove. to Tennessee, my friend Elaine was coming with me.
Heather Morgan: and There is like this video of me. that she recorded. And I'm literally. drinking. What is it? Piggyback or piggyback some kind of whiskey And.
Heather Morgan: just singing like Megan Maroney, Tennessee orange. And I'm just lit up. Just embarrassingly. And I can just see how lost I am.
Heather Morgan: I can just see that I'm like. I'm trying to just like. enjoy this moment and be like, this is my life and it's completely a mess. But they're... Is like such a sadness in my eyes and my. energy. Everything about me is just like.
Heather Morgan: Whew.
Heather Morgan: I'm just playing pretend that I know what I'm doing but I'm so so lost I'm such a lost soul I'm such a lost soul. And one thing I will tell you.
Heather Morgan: about that if you're feeling like a lost soul.
Heather Morgan: Is that...
Heather Morgan: Sometimes you have to be lost to get be found. I don't think I could have. Found. Myself. if I didn't lose myself.
Heather Morgan: But the crazy thing about it is it's not like you lose yourself and then you find it tomorrow. Like it's a whole journey. that you have to go through. It's a whole process of you going. all right, what do i what do I want to find out about myself? And part of me sometimes would be like shaming myself for not like getting with the program sooner and just staying messy for so long because it literally felt like it went on forever. I mean, Think about this, guys. I move across the country alone. I'm like.
Heather Morgan: Peace. I'm in these Airbnb's. for three months at a time for three whole months, I finally get a foundation.
Heather Morgan: to be at, and that I'm still just messy. I'm still just out in aspe Nashville. I quit my six figure job.
Heather Morgan: I don't think I told that in real time on the podcast. before. And it's crazy to think back because I had worked so hard. For my career.
Heather Morgan: And it meant so much to me for so long. And I really owned that as part of my identity because that's the only one I had left. I wasn't his wife. I didn't live in Utah. I didn't have the same friends. I wasn't hosting this. I wasn't Super Bowl commish. I wasn't all these little You know. identities that I'd held onto for so long.
Heather Morgan: and then I was like well I'm still corporate girly and then I quit my corporate job And I'm like. I'm just going to have no direction at all. No structure. And we're just going to figure this out.
Heather Morgan: And. I don't. That just goes to show how much of a wild mess I was. That I literally was aching with so much.
Heather Morgan: So much had wrecked my nervous system. So much had just. And I didn't even know any, like, I think I've said that before. I didn't really know anything. about the nervous system. I had always wanted to. I always cared about self -improvement. But in a different type of way, right? Like building my career, being great at this. I always loved like speaking and presenting in corporate America and that kind of stuff. but So I saw like benefits in personal growth before, but this was just like.
Heather Morgan: I'm just going to clean slate it all. I have nothing. And we're just going to completely re rebuild. And that is a lot. What starting over feels like is you're like. I think a part of me was like, I don't want any of this old life to be me. I just wanna shake it all.
Heather Morgan: I think really the corporate job, it was like, that was the last thing I was kicking. It's like now nothing about my life. is the same. Nothing.
Heather Morgan: And it was almost like that was like. And I'm not, you know, I'm not an angry person, but it's like, I was almost like the middle finger to my old life. It wasn't even about my ex -husband. It was just like, fine. You know, if that life isn't mine anymore, I don't want it.
Heather Morgan: Like I don't know. And it was just like. and And I think maybe because. It just reminded me of a past that was no longer my present. And it was this.
Heather Morgan: Hard. Because I've told you before, even driving around Utah when I still live there or when I went back from work, I was. For work, I was like, I don't even know how people still live in the same place because everything reminded me of who I once was.
Heather Morgan: and who I no longer was. And I just that was hard for me.
Heather Morgan: And. One thing I'll say about. life after divorce that I think. You finally get to a place where you calm down and say like, or i I hope you do. And I think most of the people I've talked to or that have been on the podcast, it's like.
Heather Morgan: You start realizing you're running away from creating the life you want. Because you don't know what you want. You don't know who you are. It's just very. Just like. very empty space of like.
Heather Morgan: The blank canvas seems too overwhelming to start painting. So you're just making messes. And. I think we all have a different part in that journey where.
Heather Morgan: You start realizing. That this messy life that you're living. is not going to create the one that you want. The behaviors. that you're doing the people that you're entertaining. the the things that you're prioritizing, the things you're not prioritizing.
Heather Morgan: those won't produce the fruits of the life that you want to live. And I think I finally got to that spot. And it's so crazy to say this because I... I feel like I'm giving it a little bit too much. I don't wanna.
Heather Morgan: Look like I'm giving this person too much credit, but. I think in the episode I talked about. and I'll have to tag it in the show notes, but when they're the... Preview. um but not for you.
Heather Morgan: And when I met. someone and this is years ago now that I knew it was never going to be a thing, but it he kind of gave me this glimpse of.
Heather Morgan: Oh, maybe I really want to do life with someone again. Even though I knew it couldn't be him. And.
Heather Morgan: I think that kind of showed me that if that's something that I want. then... I can't really live this way
Heather Morgan: And it wasn't like I changed my life because eventually I want a relationship. I did it for me. Because obviously it's been two years and I haven't prioritized that. like Because I've literally went on one date since that. that. man was in my life. So I, it's not that I, okay, let me jump into a relationship. It was like, let me rebuild and realize that like, I actually like a shared life.
Heather Morgan: Let me learn how to do my life well on my own. So that when. it's time for my life to look different and share it with someone. I'll feel a bit more.
Heather Morgan: prepared to show up the way I that I would want someone to show up for me. And I couldn't be that person, the mess that I was in. so That's kind of when.
Heather Morgan: I allowed myself to reenter the corporate world. And there was a lot of hesitation originally. And I think it was mostly because I had just been living so carefree, but that part of me knew that I needed structure again.
Heather Morgan: And I'm just so blessed that it worked out, that I got the opportunity to come back. and it I never take that for granted. And I know it was important for my growth, but it was like, again, it's not the funny thing is, is we think we make a choice and then it's just going to. click and be easy right away or like the new life's just gonna show up right away but it's not It's like you still have to keep.
Heather Morgan: living that life day by day and like. Slowly. making the changes into becoming someone new. And there was a lot of times that I sat down with myself and I was like,
Heather Morgan: What do I want? from my life? What do I want my life to look like? How do I want my life to feel? And I don't know that we often like ask those questions. And I think sometimes divorce gives you that opportunity for the first time to have enough time to sit down and do that.
Heather Morgan: And then you start asking yourself, oh, okay, i I think I want it to feel like this. I think I want it to feel like that. But the hard part is, is that you have to know that A lot of that.
Heather Morgan: That what you desire, what you want. doesn't happen overnight.
Heather Morgan: And so. It's like you lose your old life and then there's this long gap period of time of where you're rebuilding this new one and slowly.
Heather Morgan: different things are coming into play, right? Different behaviors, different habits, different opportunities, and they're all slowly building you towards the person. that you know you want to become.
Heather Morgan: Eventually. But the crazy thing is, is when you're in that early mess I don't even think I could have seen that.
Heather Morgan: And. Honestly, now that I'm thinking about it, I think that's why like. And of course, if you have children, it's a whole different scenario because you have someone that you have to. show up for.
Heather Morgan: Still. through this So it makes my experience obviously different because I. No, I would have been different. If I had that, I know I wouldn't have been as messy. I probably would have not.
Heather Morgan: quit a six figure corporate job under. caring for little ones, you know all these things. So. But. And i I was talking with. I think on my episode with Brad, I talked about that, how that kind of angers your identity a little because at least you don't lose being a parent.
Heather Morgan: But you're still completely lost with all the routines. And you're still grieving the future that you don't know what if it will be. That was another part. Like, I'm here. Here I am. And I feel so.
Heather Morgan: I'm determined to continue down this path of creating a life that I want. And I feel like I really know who I am. I really have my voice. I really know the things I'm going to strive towards.
Heather Morgan: I feel. in one of the most healthy healed spaces that i've ever been and and here we are what Oh. over three and a half years post divorce. So it's not like it. was a quick Peace.
Heather Morgan: Skip jumping, huh? What? What is it? Skip. Jump and a hop, whatever. Yeah. um there But. I realize in this whole, you know, finding myself and what life after divorce feels like, it also feels really lonely.
Heather Morgan: I Could not tell you how many times I've full on cried because of how alone. I feel.
Heather Morgan: Like on my hands and knees, like. Literally pleading to God like you. Took my dad away. I can't call him. I have no one here.
Heather Morgan: I'm not like just this pity party me on the floor. You know, I have to be honest, I've i've been there. Many a times I've sobbed out loud, like.
Heather Morgan: Am I just doing this life alone? And that's just a real. Truth about being. Divorced. And life after divorce.
Heather Morgan: And. Something I shared recently when I was. um on a interviewed on a podcast and I'll share it here because I... it's super it was super crazy so I have. than thinking about just...
Heather Morgan: you know stewardship and stewarding you know money and time and this and that and in that venture i was reading about you know people with a lot of wealth.
Heather Morgan: usually use it to buy more time because that's the only thing that you can't get more of it back. And I. you know, after I'm reading about that, I i jump in the shower.
Heather Morgan: And I'm there. and The shower is just... A place that. you know things come to my mind Often out of the blue. And I went back to that thought of, oh yeah, so okay, wealth can buy you time.
Heather Morgan: And then it suddenly hit me.
Heather Morgan: But why do I need more time? If I have no one. To spend it with.
Heather Morgan: And it was this. extremely overwhelmingly sad moment.
Heather Morgan: Where I just started sobbing because. I realized the thing that people... View as most. Valuable is time. But what is time worth if...
Heather Morgan: You have no one to share it with.
Heather Morgan: And that was really, really. A moment for me where I was like.
Heather Morgan: I think I just never anticipated since I was married before that like. I would face. This feeling. Of like not knowing if anyone will ever know my heart again.
Heather Morgan: not knowing if anyone will ever really see me fully and truly.
Heather Morgan: And that...
Heather Morgan: Is the truth you feel after a divorce?
Heather Morgan: I think you ask yourself that question all the time. Will anyone ever love me again? Will anyone ever truly see me?
Heather Morgan: Will I ever love anyone like that again?
Heather Morgan: And it's crazy because as many times as you can hear other people's stories of them finding love after divorce, and we had that great episode with April. um And she found love after divorce and it's.
Heather Morgan: It's beautiful. But... When it's you, you're like, okay, but when, but how?
Heather Morgan: and And it's just, you know. It just can feel a little like.
Heather Morgan: Will I get it right this next time?
Heather Morgan: And the crazy thing is, is that like. What I. learned most about myself is that I can do this alone. That's what it taught me the most. It taught me
Heather Morgan: having someone else. to consider wasn't the problem. But losing myself. while I was with them was. I didn't know who I was in that marriage. I think I was people pleasing so much.
Heather Morgan: And it wasn't even just because of him. It was just because of how I was conditioned. to be. I don't even blame that on him. It's just I. But. now that I know that I've like been better at like setting boundaries and and making sure that I.
Heather Morgan: I'm still loving and kind but don't accept things that I don't. want to accept. In my life. Because I've seen...
Heather Morgan: that Most people show you who they are. You've got to believe them.
Heather Morgan: And so. Now I really. Trust myself. That's what divorce did to change me. I know I can build a life. I know I can start over if I had to again. I trust myself. If I had to move to a new city tomorrow, I'd be able to figure it out. I can take care of myself.
Heather Morgan: And. I love the life I built.
Heather Morgan: But yes, I still want partnership. which is crazy to to say. um Even though I know I can do life on my own, that doesn't mean I want. to do life on my own.
Heather Morgan: And I think sometimes after. divorce, we either jump into a relationship or we say, Oh I don't need anyone.
Heather Morgan: And I'm not saying because I didn't do that, that that's why I don't think that's always the right way. But I think. That.
Heather Morgan: Learning to build a life on your own is beautiful. Because. At the end of the day, you really only have. you
Heather Morgan: Obviously, I have my relationship with God as well. But. In this world, I have me. And now I know I can stand on my own two feet. I know I can do all this on my own.
Heather Morgan: But I think. Closing out. The value and. to my life that a good partnership can bring. It's kind of silly. Cause I've already been through the pain. I've already lost it again. And of course I'd never want that to happen again, but.
Heather Morgan: I realized that the right partnership. would feel worth. The risk.
Heather Morgan: because I do see how much it brings to your life. And that was like a beautiful awakening to me. is seeing all of my strengths, seeing all the things that I'm capable of. And then also Finally understanding what an...
Heather Morgan: A partnership. brings. Does that mean I will do it right perfectly? Probably not. I don't know. I mean, I don't think anyone's ever perfect and that kind of scares me, but.
Heather Morgan: I digress.
Heather Morgan: So I'll wrap this up by saying that if you're listening to this. and you're at a place where you're like what do i do now And it's screaming at you. I just want you to know you don't have to have the answer today.
Heather Morgan: I didn't. I tried things. I made mistakes. I went on adventures. I made wild messes. I got lonely I changed. I found pieces of myself I didn't know existed.
Heather Morgan: And I let go of some of the versions of myself that weren't meant to stay. Divorce changed almost every part of my life. And while I would never minimize.
Heather Morgan: how painful that it was. I can look back now and see that it also forced me to finally figure out. who I was. When the life I had built.
Heather Morgan: my identity around. no longer existed. And maybe that's the part of starting over. You don't have to know exactly where you're going to be. or who you're going to become.
Heather Morgan: You just have to be willing to meet yourself. along. the way.
Heather Morgan: This was Wandering the Wild Mess. with Heather Morgan. You? matter.
