Transcript
Heather Morgan: Have you ever stopped to think about how much of your life you've spent trying to convince somebody? that you're worth Choosing? that you're Worth loving.
Heather Morgan: Worth hiring. worth showing up for. Worth making an effort for?
Heather Morgan: And at what point do we stop? trying to prove we're good enough for something. and start asking ourselves, Whether that something is actually. Good enough. for us.
Heather Morgan: Because sometimes we're so busy trying to be chosen. that we forget. We. Have a choice. Two.
Heather Morgan: Welcome to Wandering the Wild Mess with Heather Morgan. I am so happy you're... here. Hi, Dom. We're going to get into something I think.
Heather Morgan: So many of you, so many of us can relate to That just needs to be said. And one of the core themes of this that we're going to get into is. The difference between putting an effort into something and forcing something that isn't.
Heather Morgan: right for you. And this is coming to mind because of a lot of people that in my life and I just feel sometimes called to share messages when I'm... hearing this repeatable patterns of People trying to prove.
Heather Morgan: their worth to other people. And I've talked about this. before, but I i feel like it's so important. important. for us to think about when we're navigating life because I realized, obviously, in my marriage and...
Heather Morgan: that I had and and then going through a divorce. There are some things now. with all the time that I've had to self -reflect that I'm just not willing to do because I know how hard they were to manage.
Heather Morgan: And one of those things is trying to convince. Someone.
Heather Morgan: To care. Like we do.
Heather Morgan: about anything, about us, about... something. And. The theme that the biggest thing I learned from my divorce is that you can't change another person.
Heather Morgan: You just can't. You can't force them change to change them. You can't. None of that is in your control. But yet I meet so many people that will be telling me about relationships where
Heather Morgan: They're Trying to. Push. this relationship back together that like. Ahem. Is completely. in in such a forceful way, like trying to convince this other person, like, look, this can work. This can work. Look at what I have. I'm good enough. I'm done.
Heather Morgan: And if you have to. force and prove your worth so much, that person. is not seeing it. And I... truly believe.
Heather Morgan: The person that wants to be in your life. We'll see it. You will not have to like dance around painting 85 million different perspectives and pictures to convince the person that was meant for you. that you are good enough for them.
Heather Morgan: That's just not I promise you that's not how it's going to roll. And. If you think that's gonna... Yeah. to each their own, but I'll tell you that it's not going to feel comfortable.
Heather Morgan: To be. in a place where you constantly have to continually prove your worth and to someone that doesn't want to see it. And I don't want that for you. So I want to talk about that a little.
Heather Morgan: And it came up because. When I was at. church, I was talking to someone who had also been divorced and is now back in in the dating world.
Heather Morgan: and had been in this relationship and it ended up not working out. And. They're kind of telling me about you know, this person's just kind of cutting things off with them.
Heather Morgan: And as she's telling the story, she's like, but I told him that. I have this now and this now and this now and this now and this now and all of these things. And I'm like. Girl.
Heather Morgan: He already doesn't want this relationship. Why are you trying to prove to him? That you're worthy. You're already worthy. you're ah You're an amazing... Person.
Heather Morgan: And if this man does not. see the compatibility of you two. That doesn't discredit. who you are and what you bring to the table. It's just, that's not. working for him. He doesn't.
Heather Morgan: See that? and And that's okay. You don't need to try to convince him. Because the right person for you doesn't need... a whole, you know, court case on why he should pick you.
Heather Morgan: I really don't think love look operates like that. And I told her. I heard myself just saying this, like, I'm just like. Love. I'm. learn through my own experience, like obviously it's a choice.
Heather Morgan: And you have to choose it, but it's not a transaction. it can feel transactional, right? Because you're kind of doing things for each other. But it's not this transaction like, look what I have to offer you. like You don't have to force it like that.
Heather Morgan: The right. person sees the value that you bring to their life. You don't have to present a whole case. Look, I did this. I'm doing this. I'm doing that. I'm doing this.
Heather Morgan: Now will you pick me? you're It's not. A job interview. And then it made me start thinking of this analogy. And stick with me here because I think a lot of us get in these places and you might have been here and I'm not shaming you for this.
Heather Morgan: A lot of times we feel like if someone's not picking up, it's a rejection of us. But sometimes it's just not. ah ah A good fit. a good partnership. There is a number of reasons why.
Heather Morgan: People aren't compatible. Compatible? Did I say that right? It could just be that person's like, I have too many wounds and this is not the time. But yet we make it like. personally about us. And I was thinking about like this job interview because that's what it sounded like as she's telling me the story.
Heather Morgan: It's like. You apply for this job. They say, hey, you're qualified. but you're not really what we're looking for. but you refuse to accept it.
Heather Morgan: And you just keep showing up. And you're just like, nope, I'm working here. come on, here's all my qualifications. They're like, yeah, we saw them. We don't. we're You're qualified, but we don't.
Heather Morgan: That's not who we're looking for. And you're like, yes, you are. And you just keep showing up, keep showing up. And eventually they just like get used to you being there. So like, fine. All right, I guess they're working here.
Heather Morgan: And then you convince yourself because you made your way in. You made it work. that you must belong there. That like you were chosen, you won, you got the job.
Heather Morgan: But... just because you convince someone to let you stay. Doesn't mean it's where you're supposed to be.
Heather Morgan: And. I just want you to realize. that the right fit in your life. isn't going to be one where you force your way.
Heather Morgan: into it. It won't.
Heather Morgan: And I know that because...
Heather Morgan: In my own past experiences, I've seen how. we force our way back into situations for To protect.
Heather Morgan: Our comfort. have external validation, right? If they end this with me, what does this mean about me? I need them to validate that I'm good enough. So I'm just going to convince them.
Heather Morgan: To pick me. I don't want to be rejected. Because what does that say about me? And then what that triggers as well, when we feel rejected, then we're like, oh my gosh, now no one wants me. And then we get in this scarcity mindset. There's not a lot of people and no one wants to pick me. So now I i need this to work because this is the only relationship that could possibly work in my life. So I don't care if they're saying they don't want me. I'm going to wait.
Heather Morgan: Weasel my way back in. Like, I know when I'm saying this out loud and I... was literally listening to this. Beautiful girl. Tell me the story. And I'm thinking. Can you hear yourself?
Heather Morgan: Because sometimes when we're in it, we don't. And that's why I'm speaking this to you. Because I know men and women that have done the same thing. And when you're hearing them, you're like.
Heather Morgan: Ahem.
Heather Morgan: Wait, why are you trying to like force your way back into that relationship again? like it doesn't seem like it makes sense.
Heather Morgan: But when you're in it, sometimes you can't. C. That. Our relationships are already so difficult.
Heather Morgan: I've been in a marriage. Believe me, if you, if that person does not want you there. There is nothing. that's going to make that Be a happy.
Heather Morgan: he ever happily ever after thing. You know, I'm not saying. When... a breakup happens or a divorce that you're just supposed to accept it and be like, okay, moving on. Like, of course there's pain. Of course there's hurt. Of course you feel rejected. Of course you feel like when someone ends something, of course you feel all those feelings. Yeah. But the thing that keeps...
Heather Morgan: me locked in like when I had the The breakup, right? And that man cheated on me, that one boyfriend. I bring that up because it's like the only last relationship. but Even though I ended it.
Heather Morgan: Eh. in affected me because I was like, am I good enough? Like, why would he do that? to me. And even though I broke up with him, like, but he didn't. truly want me or he wouldn't have done that and that was really hard for me to think about even though I thought about it and I didn't even really want him.
Heather Morgan: But I just wanted. Him to want me. And. All of that is based on me needing to have More self. confidence,
Heather Morgan: And know my worth and be like. Yeah, I don't want. Something like that. So even if this is uncomfortable right now, This loneliness, this rejection feeling.
Heather Morgan: The desire to be validated by someone. Like. this Poof. whatever I thought was going to happen is no longer going to happen. But what kept me.
Heather Morgan: Like being strong, I guess, in that mindset was like. I don't want something that's not for me and something for me is not going to be like this.
Heather Morgan: It's not.
Heather Morgan: And that doesn't mean, again, difficult things aren't going to happen. But I think sometimes we start focusing so much on thinking that. relationships. relationships are so...
Heather Morgan: bad that we're just accepting. Not even below the bare minimum, just. Because. We think it's so awful. And again, this isn't me preaching to be like, oh, get divorced, blah, blah, blah. Don't work on things because that's not at all what it is. But I think it's more about.
Heather Morgan: Knowing that.
Heather Morgan: relationships. relationships Shouldn't feel like two people are forcing themselves. to want to be a part of them.
Heather Morgan: Can you imagine? Think about even a friendship. The friends that you have that you're like excited to be around. They make you feel better after you leave. Those are the friends you want to keep in your life.
Heather Morgan: The ones that when you're with them afterwards, you feel... Awful. You feel like they're judging you the whole time or they're going to talk behind your back or they don't really have your best interest. You spend time with them just because they've been around for so long, maybe some of them.
Heather Morgan: like But then you start looking around like, why are we even friends? Because I don't feel good when I leave. And those are the friends that... when you get your you know your own confidence and your own boundaries, you realize those are the people first people you cut out of your life.
Heather Morgan: And that's like a relationship.
Heather Morgan: If you're going to be with somebody that when you... don't feel good when you're with them. You've just. been around them a long time. You have to ask yourself, what am I fighting for?
Heather Morgan: And that's kind of where I was with.
Heather Morgan: talking to that girl today. I was just like, do you know, like, can you see? that you're not going to have to convince someone. You know, and another thing that I think is so powerful.
Heather Morgan: And I think why it's important to not force things. There's so much power in that detachment. Like when you're not terrified of losing someone or something, you can just see more clearly.
Heather Morgan: You're... not making decisions from fear. And your... able to be like oh does this even belong in my life and I think that was the key piece that I want you to kind of see is when you get rooted in your own self -confidence.
Heather Morgan: And you know your worth, truly. Then. You're not forcing yourself into rooms with people that don't see it.
Heather Morgan: Right? You're not. presenting yourself and like, to people that have no interest in seeing your value. you're You're going to where you feel.
Heather Morgan: Welcomed. Loved. Appreciate it. cared for. That's the rooms you're entering. And sometimes even another simple way to think about it.
Heather Morgan: is Again, i've I've kind of talked about this before, but when you can separate yourself as like, okay, like... The little you. or your little sister, or your... anything, someone else in your life that you truly love.
Heather Morgan: If... If you have to like convince. how great they are to someone else, they're like, no, I don't know. You'd be like, are you kidding me? This is like, um this person's amazing. that that And they don't see it. You're like. Forget it. You don't get there you don't get to be around them.
Heather Morgan: They're amazing. You don't want to see it? Fine, bye. But when it's yourself, you're over there like, please, but I'm great. But like what about all the history we have? And then you start like using things that have nothing to do with it.
Heather Morgan: You're literally like begging. Begging someone. To care.
Heather Morgan: And.
Heather Morgan: I just. Don't want that for you.
Heather Morgan: Because it's not a place where. you so I know you're not seeing your value. when you do that
Heather Morgan: And I know a lot of people that I've spoken to like after the divorce, they just. especially if they're the one that got left they're like i'm not good enough i'm not They didn't, they didn't this, I didn't see this. And and there's a lot.
Heather Morgan: of I'm not good enough, like I was rejected. But I honestly want to tell you that there is a blessing in that because you do not want to spend any more time with someone that does not see.
Heather Morgan: your value because they can never love you. Like you deserve to be loved.
Heather Morgan: It is extremely. difficult. to love someone. that you don't respect. And it is really hard to respect someone.
Heather Morgan: who is... Begging you. To see their worth.
Heather Morgan: And I know that sounds really harsh and rude.
Heather Morgan: but someone that respects himself. Truly. Does not beg. Someone. to take them. Back.
Heather Morgan: or to see them the way that they... They... don't It's the way they don't see themselves. I know that's a really, I feel like that's harsh. I i just want to say it out loud.
Heather Morgan: Because.
Heather Morgan: That's kind of the... opposite of magnetizing. something in your life. like I think I've talked about this before. It was a pretty good thought, but like Rolex watches aren't on sale for a reason.
Heather Morgan: You want one or you don't. There's no, the value holds.
Heather Morgan: So... If you want. A Rolex you pay full price or you don't. Get one. And it's not a monetary thing. It's a know your worth, know your value. And this isn't to be like, look at me, I'm...
Heather Morgan: you know I've talked about this before, I'm so much, but it it just saddens my heart. That. We are forcing. things because whenever you're forcing, it'll eventually crumble.
Heather Morgan: It's...
Heather Morgan: It's just that sometimes we're so busy trying to be chosen that we forget we have our own choice too. And when we lead like that, it's not. it's It's a whole different.
Heather Morgan: place. And even in like when the breaks ups or divorce happens, it's like.
Heather Morgan: It doesn't it have to do with anything if you're enough. So I just want to remind you about that. Like someone's inability to see your worth does not mean the absence of your worth.
Heather Morgan: And I want these to hone into your little head because... Oh, I brought a coffee this time. ah Hone into your little head because... Gosh, there's just so many amazing people that I just feel like do not that need to hear this. And if you're one of them, I just, I just love you so much. And I just. Want you to know that. And the last thing I'll kind of wrap this up by saying about not forcing, I know.
Heather Morgan: That. Sometimes we want to. force things when we're like tired of waiting. Right. Like say you're. divorce, you're like, I've been single for a while, or like you just can't sit with that loneliness. I know being alone is uncomfortable. Believe me, remember Mrs. One date in two years.
Heather Morgan: Like. I'll need to do a whole debrief on that about you know because it's been a lonely road and I've sat with myself a lot. So I'm speaking from experience when I tell you that I know it is really uncomfortable. I know it's easier to seek that validation. But what I will tell you is the power in not needing it.
Heather Morgan: Phone as dry as can be. No one's tooting my horn. Like, no. I am not getting any external validation. In this point.
Heather Morgan: I have to validate myself. And then obviously I have my relationship with God that is. Fueling so much of. what I'm doing and my purpose. And I'm so grateful for that.
Heather Morgan: That is it. And.
Heather Morgan: It... I know why there's a desire to. to try to find someone after you've been alone for a period of time.
Heather Morgan: Or... And that beginning stages of when you're alone, you kind of want to force old connections. Like I've thought about that a little. I did more at the beginning, like. I luckily, I mean, luckily, I don't know if it's luckily, I didn't really have anyone.
Heather Morgan: to try to go back to, you know, I'm so I. I think that helped. I know more people have that. I i kind of had like cut off. everybody so I didn't really have someone to try to dance back with. But. I would.
Heather Morgan: If you do have ah a handful, a roster, some people, you know that person you're keeping around just for a rainy day. I would challenge you to say If that's not for me.
Heather Morgan: Let me just remove it. And not. Use it as like a backup c plan because really all that is is like a crutch And at some point you need to learn to walk on your own.
Heather Morgan: And when you can walk on your own, then you choose. from a place of contentment. with Being. alone. So what happened? You don't force.
Heather Morgan: You don't force because you already have the confidence that I'll be fine on my own. Do I prefer to be alone? We know this, guys. I don't want to do this the rest of my life by myself. But I am unwilling to force myself into something that isn't for me.
Heather Morgan: And I'm unwilling to. pretend like pretend that something that's not a good fit is a good fit just so that I'm not alone.
Heather Morgan: We're not doing that.
Heather Morgan: We're not doing that. I don't want you to do that Because. Before I wrap it up, I'll remind you just one more time.
Heather Morgan: you deserve much more than that. So you can be upset about... The person that doesn't want to. Be with you anymore. But what?
Heather Morgan: you really need to remember is like You don't want to be with someone that doesn't want to be with you.
Heather Morgan: All right, so I'll end this little saying that. You're coming in to this next week being like. I'm not here to convince anyone of my worth. I know it.
Heather Morgan: It's in me. And. and Maybe what's meant for you isn't something you'll never have to work for. I'm not saying that But maybe it's something you won't have to lose yourself.
Heather Morgan: trying to hold on. too.
Heather Morgan: Hear that.
Heather Morgan: And then what I'll leave you with. So wherever you are in your life. Am I putting effort into something that's growing? Or am I exhausting myself? trying to force.
Heather Morgan: Something that isn't.
Heather Morgan: ah
Heather Morgan: Alright, y 'all. right y'all I just want to tell you. I love you. You're going to figure this all out. I just don't want you to force what's not meant for you. And so much is going on in the website.
Heather Morgan: Soon. to come. Make sure you sign up for my email list if you haven't already. I just want to say that too because I'm going to start locking it down, sharing so much more there with you guys and so many exciting things that I'm moving towards. And I just cannot wait. I want to hear from y 'all. Go to the website. Leave me a voice now.
Heather Morgan: If you want to hear something, I... I'm hearing from a bunch of you like via DM or messages and it's amazing. And I love to hear it so much. and So whatever you're thinking.
Heather Morgan: Reach out. Let me know. I wanna hear from you. I just want to tell you that I do this because. Each time I hear. Someone tell me how it's helped. or it's something they need to hear.
Heather Morgan: It's like, oh, my soul is just like. This is for y 'all. but it feeds my soul too. So I just, I needed to send that little reminder out to you.
Heather Morgan: that. Um, Man, I'm just i' am just overwhelmed with gratitude for every single one of you listening. So. that's why you're my you're my people and I want the best for you. So I've got to remind you.
Heather Morgan: to stop selling yourself short. And that's what this is about. Do not force things into your life.
Heather Morgan: You. are worthy of of something that will see your truth and your value just the way you are. All right. So I love you. And I'll end this by saying.
Heather Morgan: What I always say. This was Wandering the Wild Mess. with Heather Morgan. you Matter.
