Become a Creator today!Start creating today - Share your story with the world!
Start for free
00:00:00
00:00:01
Autism Misdiagnosis Horror Story! - Life In A Psychiatric Hospital w/LottsVoicingAutism
117 Plays5 years ago
What is it like inside a psychiatric hospital!? How bad can misdiagnosis go? What are some flaws in way we deal with mental health?
In this episode, Thomas talks to Lottie (@lottsvoicingautism) about her experience with being a misdiagnosed autistic. She was sent to a psychiatric hospital with multiple psychotic and mood disorders, living life under lockdown even before COVID-19... Within the topic, we chat about the reasons why she was admitted to hospital, the grounds to which she was misdiagnosed, the various cocktail of medications she was put on, and the traumatic experiences she had within
We talk about the positive things she's done with her almost unreal experiences in hospital, highlighting just how difficult and unfriendly hospitals can be for individuals on the autistic spectrum.
This horrific story is a testament to Lottie's strength and resilience, but also highlights just how little doctors know about autism in females... are we still at the primitive stage where autistic meltdowns are confused for psychotic episodes? You can be the judge of that.
If you have an exciting or interesting story and want to appear on the next podcast, please contact me at: aspergersgrowth@gmail.com
Lottie's Links:-
► Instagram - https://www.instagram.com/lottsvoicingautism/
► Photography Page - https://www.instagram.com/lottiebphotography/
► Lottie's Film - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZaGN6Yelo7Q
▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬
Channel Merchandise - https://teespring.com/stores/aspergers-growth
Support via Patreon! - https://www.patreon.com/aspergersgrowth
Social Media ♥ -
☼ Facebook - Aspergers Growth
☼ Twitter/Instagram - @aspergersgrowth
♫ Listen On -
Spotify - https://open.spotify.com/show/6vjXgCB7Q3FwtQ2YqPjnEV
Apple Podcasts - https://podcasts.apple.com/gb/podcast/thoughty-auti-the-autism-mental-health-podcast/id1470689079
Music -
♫ Track: [Chill Music] Ikson - Reverie [No Copyright Music]
Advert Track: Empty Parking Lot - Colours Of Illusion [Epidemic Sound]
Recommended
Transcript
Introduction to the 40 Auti Podcast
00:00:07
Speaker
Good day, my lovely listeners. You are listening to the 40 Auti Podcast. Tune in every week to explore inspiring stories and insightful information that dive headfirst into the world of autism and mental health. With all those tantalizing tongue twisters out of the way, let's get into the show.
Lottie's Misdiagnosis Experience
00:00:41
Speaker
Hello everybody and welcome back to the 4080 podcast. Thank you very much for joining me and my lovely guest today to talk about something that's a little bit different to our normal topics I suppose it's something that
00:00:57
Speaker
I found very interesting and it's piqued my interest a lot and today I've got Lottie here to talk about her experience in being wrongly misdiagnosed and admitted to a hospital. Lottie, how are you doing today? I'm doing good, thank you. I'm very excited to be talking to you. Yeah, so you're doing good.
00:01:23
Speaker
You're a little bit different to some of the other guests that have had on because you put a lot of work into like structuring what you were gonna say and stuff. You sent me like some documents and stuff about what you wanted to talk about and stuff. So I can tell that you really want to do this podcast. Yeah, I was just really excited and I guess I have a lot to say and I just wanted to, you know,
00:01:52
Speaker
let people know my experiences and I didn't really want to miss anything and so yeah I was really, I really got into it I think.
Photography as Emotional Outlet
00:02:03
Speaker
It's good to have like an outlet, a voice to let people in the world know about all the negatives and positives of being in this world I suppose.
00:02:14
Speaker
Yeah, exactly. I want to be as honest as I can. That's the most important thing. And yeah, just sort of tell my story, I guess. Would you like to give us a little bit of a introduction into who you are and what you do? Yeah, sure. So I'm Lottie. I love photography. I have done photography for as long as I can remember really. At the moment, that's
00:02:42
Speaker
a bit, it's a bit impossible to do photography. No, of course. Yeah. So I'm just sort of in my garden, sort of just taking pictures of my dog really, which isn't as thrilling as portraits, which is what I like to do, but keeps him busy, which is good.
00:03:00
Speaker
Because we are currently in the COVID isolation period. I don't know when this goes out, we will still be in it, but hopefully not. Hopefully not. Fingers crossed. Yeah, it's been a really crazy time, but keeping positive and just getting through, I guess, that's all you can do.
Engagement with the Autism Community
00:03:22
Speaker
And you have an Instagram page that you share some stuff about autism. Yes.
00:03:29
Speaker
Yeah. Um, I mean, I started, I honestly have not been on, I haven't had that account that long. I guess there are a few reasons why I started my Instagram page. I mean, I'll go into reasons later, but I just, I just love meeting lots of other people who are autistic too. And just, you know, talking about our experiences and stuff like that and everyone on Instagram.
00:03:58
Speaker
in that community are just so lovely. And I've met so many lovely people, honestly. And it's just like an amazing thing to be part of. So I'm really grateful for that. And what are you, well, what were you working as before all of this craziness?
00:04:17
Speaker
Yeah. Um, so before I was a nanny, I did sort of part time nannying and also on the side, I did photography. I did a lot of photography sort of towards the end of last year where I was sort of working with various people doing lots of cool shoots. Um, but then it's sort of, I don't know, maybe I got a bit anxious and then just sort of.
00:04:45
Speaker
you know, went away from that for a while, but now being in isolation, I've had all this time to think and now I just want to get back to it. So, you know, it's my passion at the end of the day. So I just love it. I really want to get back to it as soon as possible, really. Well, I've had a look at your photography page and honestly, like some of the photos that you've taken, they're like top standard, if I can say.
Art as Emotional Expression
00:05:11
Speaker
They really are brilliant. Oh, thank you so much.
00:05:15
Speaker
I saw on your page initially that you sort of did photography and stuff, but like, yeah, pretty cool. Yeah. I mean, most of my photos are portraits. I just, there's something just so special about, you know, um, portraits and just photography in general. I feel like photography gives me another language. It's sort of, it's like I'm able to speak through the portraits, sort of expressing
00:05:42
Speaker
things that I couldn't probably communicate as easily, verbally. And obviously I love the practical element of it because I'm definitely not one to sit still or sit sort of at an office or, you know, do that kind of job. I just, I love to be on the go and just being outside. Just, I love it. Yeah. It's definitely where I feel most free and happy. So.
00:06:06
Speaker
I definitely empathise with the sort of expressing things that you can't particularly explain because I feel like verbal expression only goes to a certain extent as there's only so many words in the English language and any language to be honest that can sort of describe things. But I feel like things like photography and art and music and stuff, they have sort of that quality where you can
00:06:37
Speaker
try try try your best to encapsulate a certain feeling or a emotion or an experience and create it into something that shows other people a more sort of full of you with what you're trying to put across rather than putting it through words. Yeah exactly it's very personal I think art and every artist is unique because nobody can really
00:07:04
Speaker
recreate a photo you've taken, particularly in photography, because obviously you have to be there at the right time at the right moment, clicking the camera at the right time. So I feel like with photography, it's, everyone's, all photographers are unique because nobody can copy a photo really. And everyone has their own emotions behind the photographs and what they're trying to achieve and what they're trying to portray.
Writing as Therapy
00:07:30
Speaker
It's, yeah, it's a great feeling to be able to sort of
00:07:35
Speaker
just I don't know create emotion that you can't yeah verbalize I guess it's good to have a creative outlet yeah we did also have a little bit of a sort of pre-chat before we started recording about sort of your writing and stuff and you told me that you were writing a book yes I
00:07:55
Speaker
I guess, I mean, I'm not a writer. I mean, I guess now I am, but I've never, I'm dyslexic and I've never been that confident in my writing abilities. I mean, I love it. I love writing, but I never had the confidence to actually, you know, decide to write a book and to do that. Yeah, I just, I really love it. And I just, again, it's sort of similar to photography because
00:08:26
Speaker
you can you can say you can speak as much as you know you want but sometimes writing it down on paper or typing it is just you you're able to get out a lot more than i feel you would be able to when you're speaking and yeah it's it's creative there's there's not really many rules obviously there are rules when it comes to writing but
00:08:48
Speaker
you're free to write whatever you want and you can kind of offload anything and everything. And yeah, I just find it really therapeutic.
00:08:57
Speaker
It sort of like gets things off your mind, doesn't it? Yeah. It's like you have all these, you could have all these ideas and thoughts sort of buzzing around you in your head, but until you actually put it down, it's hard to sort of concentrate on anything else. I know that writing is often quite, you know, like doing a diary and stuff is obviously quite therapeutic in terms of sort of... Yeah.
00:09:26
Speaker
getting things out plainly and explaining it and putting it down and then obviously closing it and putting it away. It gives you an outlet so that you don't have to keep. Yeah. Having those faults buzzing around in your head. Yeah, definitely. I totally agree with that. And I feel the same way. It's just, it's so freeing. And yeah, you can just, I mean, you're free to write anything. It's, it's really, it's really helpful for me.
00:09:55
Speaker
What was like a type of meditation? Yeah, I totally agree. I think it is, to be honest. Yeah, it's really helpful. I love being able to just write down whatever I want to write.
Misdiagnosis and Psychiatric Admission
00:10:09
Speaker
so yeah today we're the sort of the main thing that we came on to talk about was the topic around misdiagnosis and obviously misdiagnosis is a big deal because it affects how you're treated it affects
00:10:28
Speaker
all aspects of your life, really. And if you obviously we get misdiagnosed, then it can sometimes be catastrophic. And I think one thing about your case, the thing that you're here to talk about is that it went really wrong for you in terms of being misdiagnosed.
00:10:50
Speaker
And you sort of were diagnosed with all these types of mental disorders and stuff, which most of them now, from what you've told me prior to this, aren't a part of your diagnosis. Am I right? Yeah.
00:11:08
Speaker
So what sort of initiated your admission to the hospital? Like when did you start getting diagnosed with all these things and what were they and why were you put into this hospital? I guess there are lots of reasons why I was obviously admitted into a psychiatric hospital. Like they didn't put me in there for no reason. I guess it was a long build up of things deteriorating.
00:11:38
Speaker
until it got to a point where I was basically just a big risk to myself. Um, I was very, very depressed and I wasn't safe at home. And it finally got to the point where I suppose doctors had no choice but to section me under the mental health act, which basically means I had no choice. I had to go into hospital. Um,
00:12:04
Speaker
At the time, I mean, my initial diagnosis was PTSD and depression. When I was diagnosed with PTSD and depression, autism was actually mentioned by my psychiatrist at the time when I was 15, but nobody followed it up. I mean, I guess their priority was my current mental health state, which was really declining by the minute and
00:12:32
Speaker
that in their eyes needed treating really quickly. But I suppose before it was mentioned at age 15, I think people didn't pick up on it. As I learned to mask a lot of things, I was seen as a very difficult child and people just thought I had behavioural problems. But I guess they never looked into the root cause.
00:13:00
Speaker
I mean, I was actually diagnosed with dyslexia at age 11. I suppose that's when people first realized I wasn't just a difficult child. There were, you know, more things going on. So yeah, I mean, I guess that's, yeah, that's what happened. So the reason why you were put into the psychiatric hospital was because you were sort of harbouring a lot of sort of dangerous faults towards yourself.
00:13:30
Speaker
Yeah, that's pretty much the reason. I had actually acted on those thoughts when I was just 15 before I was in the hospital. It wasn't a good place and I wasn't in a good place. They had to act quickly, I guess.
00:13:51
Speaker
Hmm. Well, it's very strange for me to hear that because I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety, along with some dissociative disorders when I was about 14 as well. And I sort of went through, to be honest, I sort of dip in and out of it.
00:14:14
Speaker
But I went through a lot of cycles of quite severe depression. And since the age of 14 and a half, I've been a lot of like, you know, like suicidal faults and stuff. And I made a few very poor attempts on my life. If that could be poor, that's probably a good thing, isn't it?
00:14:41
Speaker
I never really was introduced or they never saw a concern for me to be put into that kind of thing when I was that age. So it's very strange for me to hear that because it's obviously very much in the hands of other people, I suppose, as to whether you get sectioned or stuff like that.
00:15:09
Speaker
It does come down to the individual doctor. I mean, I guess they have a set process. They go through, um, with every person, but yeah, I guess, I guess I had been, I had a long period of time where, you know, they were trying to keep me out of hospital. It wasn't just like a sudden. Right. This has happened. You need to get into hospital. It was, it was a long stretch of time where things were just deteriorating. I was, you know,
00:15:37
Speaker
being bought into the emergency department more and more and more. And I think finally they just, it got to the point where, you know, that couldn't carry on. It wasn't fair on me and it wasn't fair on my parents either. So I guess they were left with no choice really. Yeah. And were the times that you were, you were admitted, was it, was it due to like, sort of like self injury or was it attempts or?
00:16:05
Speaker
Yeah, both really. I also think they had put me on medication which was really looking back detrimental for me really. I had a lot of reactions to the medications and I think looking back it just made me so much worse.
00:16:29
Speaker
And I do think that contributed as well to my mental state declining and me ending up in a hospital. But obviously there was no sort of evidence, you know, that I, that was happening, that the medication was making me worse. And what types of medications we put on sort of prior to it? Was it antidepressants? Everything and anything really. The cocktail.
00:16:58
Speaker
Yeah, pretty much it was antidepressants, antipsychotics, mood stabilizers, you know, tranquilizers, just honestly. I mean, I was 15 and I was on probably two antipsychotics. And no, I just don't think any 15 year old should, you know, be put on an antipsychotic really. What was the reasoning? I mean, honestly, I think my
00:17:29
Speaker
I think looking back, they thought I had periods of psychosis, but I think really it was just, you know, meltdowns or shutdowns. I sort of lost my ability to speak in those episodes and became really, my behavior became quite extreme and I wouldn't be able to communicate and, you know, there'd be a lot of
00:17:58
Speaker
shouting, I think, I think a lot, also a lot of frustration because I couldn't communicate, you know, I just, I just lost my ability to communicate. And I think maybe to them that look like psychosis, just because I wasn't communicating, I was unable to speak. I, you know, I was doing kind of, I guess,
00:18:22
Speaker
strange things i don't know it sounds a lot like to me it sounds a lot like a typical meltdown to be honest like yeah yeah definitely i mean that's what i i think looking back it really it really was a meltdown i mean i've had meltdowns throughout my whole life and it was pretty much the same as when i was younger except i guess that i was more it was a bit more extreme just because i don't know i was older i was
00:18:51
Speaker
you know, stronger and yeah, I think that's what it was. There's a book that I'm currently reading, which is, I think, you know what, I've said this in the last podcast, but I need to sort of, it's called The Self-Illusin by this guy called Bruce Hood.
00:19:11
Speaker
And he sort of goes in about, you know, all the aspects of what we consider to be the self and stuff. And he's got a particular sort of chapter or two on
00:19:26
Speaker
of like adolescence and children and stuff. And he said that there's a specific part of your brain that is responsible for sort of inhibiting actions, inhibiting behavior. So stopping behaviors. And looking back at my life, there is definitely a big difference between meltdowns when I was younger and meltdowns that I have now, like. Yeah.
00:19:53
Speaker
I feel like there was a lot more of that sort of anger, frustration component to my metal dance when I was younger, as opposed to now. In terms of the crossover with psychotic episodes, it's mind boggling that nobody sort of understood, or just said, hey, maybe she's not having a...
00:20:20
Speaker
Psychotic absurd, maybe she's having a meltdown and she's autistic. So yeah, like I know that when you have meltdowns, particularly for me, there's a lot of sort of self-injuring kind of behavior for me. So, you know, when you get into, when you have like meltdowns, it feels like your brain's sort of going around in this massive sort of spiraling's fault loop. Yeah, definitely.
00:20:48
Speaker
Every time that you feel like you're calming down, your brain sort of goes haywire again, and sometimes you sort of try to, what I do, I sort of hit myself in the head when that happens. So I can sort of see some aspects that may be considered to be fairly psychotic, but it's just, it's crazy. I know, I know. I think that when it gets written on paper, that I have psychotic,
00:21:17
Speaker
episodes or whatever. I think that's on my records for the rest of my life. So I think it just gets passed on to each psychiatrist that I'm with. And they just sort of see that and just carry on believing that. I think it's hard to sort of break that belief.
00:21:37
Speaker
yeah i can imagine but that's that's that's crazy was it sort of um a joint decision with your parents to um get a section or is it more of the doctor yeah you you have to there's quite a long there's quite a long process that you have to go through um for the intersection you have to your psychiatrist has to
00:22:05
Speaker
you know, believe that that's the best option. Then they have to get another psychiatrist who isn't, doesn't belong to the hospital or anything. Um, he's completely separate to then assess the situation and also agree. And then they have to get a social worker as well. And, you know, it's, it's a big, it's a big process to have to go through and you're just sort of, you know, having to talk to so many people and it's, it's very, very stressful. And, you know, I sort of.
00:22:34
Speaker
you know constantly was trying to fight my case to stay out of hospital but you know it always ended up and i'm just subtitling me so it was really really horrible i can imagine i'm sorry that that's happened that that happened to you yeah it's that it's hard to hear i mean i'm in a better place now and i've been free of hospital for you know a good few months now which is actually the longest time i've been free of hospital in
00:23:05
Speaker
the last few years, which is, you know, amazing. I'm in such a better place. So I'm really, really glad that that's the case, really. Never again. Never happening again. Yeah. The next question that I sort of wanted to ask you was, what were you diagnosed at that time with? And why do you think that they didn't realise that you were artistic at the time?
00:23:36
Speaker
So my initial diagnosis was, I think I've mentioned this, but it was PTSD and depression and they, you know, there was a reason behind the PTSD and there was a reason behind the depression. So I understood that. Um, you know, that, that was a fact. I did have PTSD and I was depressed, but as, as the years went on, I suppose, um, you know, my diagnosis is
00:24:06
Speaker
changed and they diagnosed me with OCD, bipolar affective disorder, borderline personality disorder. I also had an eating disorder. I think, I mean, the real, the correct diagnosis was depression. That was a fact, but as the years went on, it just, it all changed.
00:24:34
Speaker
they started labeling me with all these things that just weren't correct. Like I would, I would relate to them to some extent, but it really didn't explain, you know, my whole life and, you know, what, all the other things that were going on. So yeah, it was, they were, yeah, they, I really was, you know, misdiagnosed and autism. I mean, it was mentioned when I was 15, um,
00:25:04
Speaker
But they didn't follow it up. They didn't follow it up. And yeah, it's frustrating to look back and, you know, look back on it and just see how misunderstood I was. I mean, I had, I'd never thought about this before, but I sort of went through all the hostile emissions I've been, I've had. And, you know, it was,
00:25:32
Speaker
18 hospital admissions before, you know, somebody finally was like, you know, I don't, I don't know what's going on. I, you know, I think, I think you need to go for a second opinion. And when I went for that second opinion, the psychiatrist immediately said he thought I was autistic and he was really quick to, um, refer me for an autism assessment. Yeah. So it's just interesting how, you know, having a different
00:26:02
Speaker
a new pair of eyes just to look on the situation. Yeah. Yeah. But I could, I could sort of just by, just by sort of thinking, thinking about it, I could sort of see, you know, because, because of all of these sort of external factors that you were, you were getting as well as, it's obviously, as you said, you started off with sort of like depression and PTSD. I can sort of see why that
00:26:31
Speaker
you know they might start leaning towards other diagnoses because you are put on so many different medications and that's bound to have an effect on how you function psychologically and physically like
00:26:47
Speaker
Totally. Yeah. And then also the fact that you, you know, you're in and out of hospital having a lot of traumatic experiences. It makes sense just to some extent about why they might have misdiagnosed you. Yeah, totally. Yeah. I mean, it really... Do you think... Sorry. Go on. It really does.
00:27:15
Speaker
I can see, I can see their point of view. I can see why, you know, you're right. I started out with depression and the more medications I could put on, the worse I got. And it can just see why they would assume all my issues were because of mental illness and why they didn't really think about anything else because, you know, they, they really,
00:27:44
Speaker
I mean, nobody ever really asked me about, you know, my childhood or anything like that. It was honestly, it was, it was my, the traumatic event that had happened when I was 14. Um, it was a ski accident and nobody really asked me before, well, you know, what was going on in my life before that? It was, you know, that was the big event that happened. And that's why, you know, everything spiraled, but
00:28:12
Speaker
You know, I wasn't, you know, happy before that anyway for, you know, for most my life. So yeah, nobody really, you know, I could see why, why they would, you know, go along that route and why everything happened the way it did. But it is, it is frustrating. Is the, is this sort of the PTS side of things, something that you, that you want to talk about, or is it something that you?
Impact of Ski Accident and PTSD
00:28:37
Speaker
I mean, I mean, yeah, I can, I'm happy to talk about it. I mean,
00:28:42
Speaker
It was a long time ago now and I'm really, you know, okay with it. Um, but basically I used to ski race and I did a lot of training on like dry slopes in, in England. And I had quite a big accident one night and you know, from there on I, it was a long recovery process physically.
00:29:10
Speaker
because of the head injury and various other things. But looking back on it, I think, to be honest, and if I'm really honest, it wasn't a very dramatic accident. It was the way my body physically and mentally responded to the accident.
00:29:30
Speaker
my body was in shock for so long. It reacted quite extreme. And I think I've always been like that. My mum always said, you know, she found it really hard to calm me down if I hurt myself or, you know, I was very dramatic when it comes to hurting myself. But I feel like I feel pain a lot more. So I don't know. I don't know if that's, you know, me being autistic or something. But yeah, I feel like
00:30:00
Speaker
my body reacted basically different to how maybe a neurotypical person would react to it, basically. Yeah, I get that. I feel like there is, you know, everyone has a different sort of sensory profile. And me in particular, I can't deal with sharp sort of
00:30:26
Speaker
I can't deal with sharp pain, so anything like needles or nettles or anything, or extreme heat, or not even extreme heat, just like a hot shower or something, can be a lot more painful for me than what other people would experience.
00:30:48
Speaker
But then on the other side, I have a very high insensitivity to sort of like dull pain. So I used to sort of be an athlete and stuff and I used to fight in a sport called Taekwondo, which is basically like boxing with your legs.
00:31:09
Speaker
Yeah. And I am extremely insensitive to dull pain. So I can, I could take a levering and be all right. As soon as someone said that I was going to the dentist, I need to get a little needle in my, in my gums that would, you know, I'd have to be sort of coaxed into it over the course of a few weeks. So yeah, I think, you know, like sensitivity to, to pain and autistic people can be different.
00:31:37
Speaker
Yeah. According to each person, I suppose. Yeah. But what about the depression side of things? Like, what's your story with that? When did it sort of start? When did you start to get those feelings? And when did it really sort of become an issue? I think, you know, I started getting depressed
00:32:04
Speaker
probably just around the time before my accident really. I had lost a lot of friends, I really wasn't enjoying anything and I was extremely anxious and then when I had the accident it sort of really kind of exaggerated that feeling because I was alone, I was out of school and it really made things spiral. But yeah, I mean
00:32:34
Speaker
I haven't, you know, always been, you know, happy, bubbly, you know, full of life person. I've always had struggles and barriers in life. And I, I feel like that really affected my sort of self-esteem and confidence. So, you know, as the years went on, that sort of just got less and less. And, you know, it was only, it only needed like one thing like that accident to really
00:33:05
Speaker
trigger everything and yeah, took me over. And, uh, yeah. So I think maybe for a huge part of my life, I was depressed, but it was really obvious around that time of my accident.
00:33:22
Speaker
So did you sort of show signs of depression when you were sort of pre-adolescent? Or was it something that came on, you know, when puberty came about? Yeah. I mean, as a child, you know, my mum has said from, you know, about the age of two, I would sort of harm myself. You know, I would hit my head. I would
00:33:49
Speaker
just do, you know, pick up my skin. I would just do, you know, things like that. And that carried on throughout my whole life. And I feel like because I was the first child, you know, my, you know, my mum didn't really know what, you know, what was right and what was wrong. You know, she just sort of thought that was, you know, me and she, you know, she accepted it. But I guess, I guess before my accident,
00:34:16
Speaker
my mum, I think probably around, I think it was around the age of 11, my mum did try and get me to go to a psychologist, a therapist, because, you know, I had so many sort of fears in my life. I was, you know, imagining really horrible things were going to happen to various people. And it just, yeah, she, she wanted me to go and see a therapist, but obviously at the age of 11, when, you know, I didn't really understand myself, I
00:34:45
Speaker
you know, thought, absolutely not. I'm not doing that. It was a very scary thought. So yeah, nothing. I didn't really get any support, I suppose, with how I was feeling, but I didn't really know how I was feeling. I wasn't aware I was feeling, you know, I didn't know what depression was. So you got that aspect of finding hard to understand emotions as well with the autism and stuff. Definitely. And I found it,
00:35:14
Speaker
really hard. I got a lot better at this, but I did find it really hard when I was younger to sort of express how I was feeling and talk to people about how I was feeling. And, you know, so I guess that was another reason as to why nobody really understood what was going on. Yeah.
00:35:32
Speaker
Yeah, because prior to sort of adolescent kind of age, prior to like 13, 14, 15, I was always a very kind of positive and bubbly little kid. Yeah.
00:35:47
Speaker
I would go up and talk to people. I would, you know, sometimes maybe a little bit be a little bit cautious and a little bit sort of anxious and afraid of social interaction. But it was, I was always very different to how I was in adolescence. So there was at some point a sort of switch that just clicked. Yeah. Yeah.
00:36:15
Speaker
And I think, to be honest, most of that, I feel like the majority of my difficulty with depression and stuff would be neurochemical. I don't feel like a large part of my depression is something that I can do something about without, you know, there is a large aspect of managing it.
00:36:40
Speaker
the actual sort of feeling that, you know, I probably don't need to describe it for you, but, you know, feeling like nothing changes, you know, you feel out of your body sometimes, you feel like you want to crawl up in a ball and just... Yeah, yeah.
00:36:59
Speaker
escape from things. And I do know from the prior research that I did at uni that depression usually comes on as a consequence of chronic pain, whether it's physical pain, so like fibromyalgia and any sort of chronic illness, or chronic emotional pain, so like anxiety, bullying,
00:37:29
Speaker
all that kind of stuff. In my case, I think my depression came on as a result of the sort of emotional side of things. I found it extremely difficult, especially like during secondary school when it got a little bit more crazy, the whole social world. Definitely. Yeah, secondary school was when I say an awful, awful place. I think it's
00:37:56
Speaker
It's really hard, especially if you're undiagnosed and you're sort of living a life of a neurotypical, but maybe everyone expects so much of you. And I just feel it's a tough place to be. I mean, you've got to learn how to sort of adapt to everything, basically.
Social Challenges for Autistic Individuals
00:38:22
Speaker
It's a very hard atmosphere to be in.
00:38:26
Speaker
I think, yeah, especially if you're autistic, it's really hard. So I'm really sort of interested in the whole psychiatric hospital kind of experience. It sounds like I'm talking about it, like it's like a holiday retreat or something.
00:38:46
Speaker
It's not intended that way, but I recently sort of watched a film. I can't remember what it was. It was about this, this girl who, um, was diagnosed with depression. And she was sort of admitted into sort of a psychiatric hospital and she, and she, she is basically, you know, quite, quite high functioning depression kind of person.
00:39:15
Speaker
yeah and she was sort of surrounded by a lot of people with a lot of various sometimes extreme sort of personality and mood disorders and psychosis and stuff and when i sort of started chatting to you and asking you what you wanted would want to talk about and you mentioned that i was like well i could you know i thought i could get a good enough of an experience from from watching it but i wanted to you know know what it was
00:39:44
Speaker
actually like. What was it like? What were the workers like? What were their people like? First of all, the environment in a psychiatric hospital is extremely chaotic. Everyone's very unwell. You're surrounded by, like you say, people with schizophrenia,
00:40:14
Speaker
uh, you know, just psychotic illnesses, basically. It just makes it extremely hard. It's a very lonely place because, you know, a lot of people are so unwell that, you know, they, they can't really, you know, hold a normal conversation. And so it's, it's just very lonely and the people, the staff were also different. I mean, you know, some, some words treat me like an individual and others just sort of treat me like another patient.
00:40:45
Speaker
which was really hard. I think a lot of the time, you know, they're very busy and don't have time and, but it's just, yeah, it's, it's, um, it's really, it's a really horrible environment, especially if, you know, you're autistic and you have maybe sensory difficulties and, you know, it's, it's really hard to adapt.
00:41:07
Speaker
You know, it's just, you're basically being thrown into something which is totally, you know, totally different to what, yeah, a shutdown. Something you've never, you know, imagined in your life could exist and it does exist and it's scary. It's really, really terrifying. It's terrifying environment being and, and honestly, I wouldn't wish it on anyone. It's, it's, it's horrible. It's really horrible.
00:41:33
Speaker
And I'm sort of trying to envision what it would be like. Being autistic anyway, I think there's a lot of anxieties around people because obviously we miss out on some of the body language and facial expressions and tone, tone of voice and context of conversation in those sort of daily
00:41:58
Speaker
things, or at least in the moment. Maybe we can understand them in reflection, but I feel like there's a lot of anxiety around people because it's like we know less about people's intentions on the spot. I think most autistic people would be able to sort of empathise with feeling like people are so unpredictable.
00:42:26
Speaker
especially when younger. Yeah. And I can't imagine what it would be like to be in that situation that you were in where to near a typical standards, those people are significantly unpredictable as well. Yeah. Yeah. It's, I mean, it's such an unpredictable, unpredictable environment. I mean, usually those hospitals have around 20 to 25 beds in the hospital.
00:42:55
Speaker
And they're quite small. They have the corridors, all the rooms, and then they have a little sitting area and maybe a dining room if you're lucky. But a lot of people can find in a very small space. And when everyone's unwell, it is unpredictable. And I mean, yeah, it's hard to know
00:43:21
Speaker
what anyone's going to do like because they're unwell let alone all the sort of with their intentions with social nuances yeah yeah yeah so it's it's yeah it's incredibly unpredictable so could you could you take us through like a sort of typical day in psychiatric hospital yeah yeah sure um so normally you get woken up for breakfast
00:43:50
Speaker
That's around eight o'clock. And is that mandatory? Well, it's meant to be, but I slept through them waking me up countless times. I mean, honestly, they'd always have to get the toaster out for me at about midday, just so I could have breakfast. But yeah, it's meant to be mandatory. But that was eight o'clock, then around nine o'clock.
00:44:18
Speaker
you'd have to go and line up for medication. And that would take a long time because obviously there were like 20 to 25 patients and it's just a very long process. Do you like line up or do you just sort of stand in a group and... No, it's a line. It's a line. And people can get quite, you know, wound up. Yeah.
00:44:46
Speaker
So that happens. And then normally, if you're lucky, there's normally an activity just before lunchtime. It could be anything from painting to jewelry making, if you're lucky. And it's, it's really, to be honest, those activities hardly ever happened. I mean, we were lucky if we got, if there were enough staff to run the group. But that was the time where, you know,
00:45:15
Speaker
there was a bit of structure in the day and you know, you had the chance to actually keep yourself distracted and focus on something else other than thoughts going on in your head. So that I relied on, I relied on those groups because it really did keep me going. But as I say, they hardly ever happened. Anyway, then we'd have lunch about
00:45:44
Speaker
12 o'clock and that lasted about an hour and then it was just nothing all day. I mean we just sort of, I don't even know what I did with my time. Were you allowed to bring any sort of personal possessions? So we were, it depended, I mean there were a lot of sort of things that you weren't allowed but I did have
00:46:13
Speaker
a lot of things I brought with me, sort of like colouring books and various other things. Um, but for a huge part of the time, you know, I often wasn't allowed it because of safety concerns. And it was, you know, it was, it was hard not being able to have sort of home comforts, but you know, as, as you get well, again, you know, you're allowed more things and it sort of.
00:46:39
Speaker
gets a little bit more manageable, but yeah, it's really tough having things taken away from you. Can I imagine? Did you get to have like a mobile or? Yeah, so apart from one time where I was in this quite extreme hospital, I was allowed a phone, which honestly was a lifesaver because I could just speak, you know, speak to my parents, you know, FaceTime them, just like,
00:47:08
Speaker
you know, talk to people and sort of be out, take my mind off that environment. I was allowed a phone. Um, I wasn't allowed out even on the hospital grounds. They had a little sort of patio area outside, which, you know, we were allowed out into, it was just on, we were on like the second floor in one hospital.
00:47:37
Speaker
could hardly see anything but it was a bit of sunlight at least. Yeah. Yeah it was it was tough it was really really tough. And so so what about your your interactions with some of the other people did you get did you get along with some people to some extent were there any sort of issues was there any you know like hiding and trading of medication and
00:48:03
Speaker
Yeah, there were, I guess, over the few years that I did make friends with some people. In fact, some of the people I met are still friends now, like really good friends. And I feel really lucky for that. But a lot of the time, majority of the time, there really weren't people to talk to. And as you mentioned, there was
00:48:28
Speaker
Um, there was a lot of, not so much with the drugs we were being prescribed because you had to sort of take them in front of the nurses, but people did bring various substances and alcohol onto the wards. If they, if they had leave, they would come back with them. Um, so that sort of would, you know, if somebody came in, you know, with loads of alcohol, it would just make the ward environment so chaotic.
00:48:56
Speaker
It was already chaotic, but if that happened, then it would just go a bit crazy, really. But I did meet some lovely people there. A lot of people are very agitated in those wards, and it's not really a place to sort of make friends, I would say.
Experiences in Psychiatric Care
00:49:17
Speaker
You just sort of want to focus on getting better and out of there, really. So yeah.
00:49:24
Speaker
Was there anyone who made your stay worse? I think the first thing that comes to mind is staff members who made it worse, as opposed to patients. I think a lot of the patients sort of keep themselves to themselves. Whereas you can come across staff members who, I mean, they're trained in mental health, but
00:49:54
Speaker
A lot of them really did not seem to have sort of a genuine, you know, empathy and understanding and, you know, what you should say to a person struggling on what you shouldn't say. So there are a lot of unhelpful comments and people who just, you know, said things that were really not helpful. And yeah, so that wasn't very helpful and it would, it would kind of make
00:50:24
Speaker
it even harder than it already was, having staff members you rely on to talk to, but if they say the wrong things and they don't quite understand your situation or say the wrong things, it's just not helpful. I can imagine that. Do you have any people who are fairly sociopathic or psychopathic or anything like that there, or is it mostly sort of psychosis and depression?
00:50:55
Speaker
I think, you know, there are specialist hospitals for people who are like really, um, like really, really unwell and you know, you know, a danger to others and stuff like that. They wouldn't be on the type of ward I was on. They'd be on a sort of higher secure ward. I mean, at one point I was on a higher secure ward only because I was, you know, such high risk to myself that they couldn't
00:51:25
Speaker
you know, manage me on that kind of basic level. But yeah, I mean, yeah, so we, I didn't really come across those sort of people that, you know, there were a lot of psychotic illnesses and yeah, that sort of thing. It was, that was probably the majority of the people that were on the wards, really.
00:51:48
Speaker
Were there any sort of times where you felt, you know, do you, cause obviously you, when you're in a psychotic, psychiatric hospital, you are under the care of a certain organization or medical system. Were there any times where you felt a bit dehumanized from your experiences? Yeah. Yeah. I think so. I think.
00:52:17
Speaker
As I said, like a lot of the nurses sort of treated you as, I dunno, like just, they didn't treat you as sort of a human, you know, they, they treated you as, as if you were really, well, I mean, obviously we were all unwell, but like they treated you just looking at you like that, basically. Um, and it was, I mean, there were a lot of times, I mean,
00:52:48
Speaker
I guess I don't really want to go into it. It might be quite difficult for some people to hear, but you know, there are a lot of times where they basically force medication on you and that can feel really awful. Like just, you're not treated like I felt like an animal really. That can be really demoralizing and really horrible. So yeah, there were times. Yeah. Like did they, did they have to like monitor you and you're like bathing or was it like,
00:53:18
Speaker
Yeah. So sometimes like for a period of time that you might be on what they call one to one or two to one, which basically means you have one nurse watching you all the time or two nurses watching you all the time. So if you go in the shower, you know, they would have to be watching you. They would be following you all the time. Um,
00:53:43
Speaker
Sometimes they'd even have to be what they call arms length away. So they would literally be within a meter of you at all times. And honestly, it was, it was just horrendous. You didn't have time, you know, to even feel like you're in your own brain. Like you just felt completely, it was just, it was awful really. Geez. Really tough. I can't imagine. I mean, I can't imagine, but I don't, I
00:54:13
Speaker
It's a struggle for me to sort of see that as real life, obviously, except I watched, you know, a few movies that had, you know, psychiatric hospitals and stuff. But to me, there are always movies that never sort of... You just don't think it's real. You don't think it's out there until really you experience yourself because nobody talks about it. Nobody talks about it. And I think it's...
00:54:41
Speaker
important to you know make people realize that this stuff does exist and it's it's not right really. I mean I know they're doing it to you know for your best interest but I'm sure there'll be other ways other ways around it in the future because it's so demoralizing and so awful to have to go through. Yeah.
00:55:02
Speaker
So let's talk a little bit about sort of like treatments and medications and stuff. Like what were the sort of main treatments that you went through and what were the medications that you put on? How did they make you feel?
00:55:17
Speaker
Um, so medication wise, I mean, I was put on medication when I was 15. Um, and I suppose the older I got, the more medications I got put on. Um, I was looking through before this, how many medications I've been on because honestly, I had no clue. Um, and I think, yeah, I mean, I've been on 14 different types of medication.
00:55:46
Speaker
a huge majority of them being antipsychotics. I mean, I mentioned this earlier. But yeah, I mean, medication wise, I was put on a lot. And I think sort of therapy wise, I think it's really, it's really hard. There's, there's very limited therapy when you're actually in hospital, their main sort of, their main process is to get you on a medication and sort of
00:56:15
Speaker
get you out of there basically. They don't do therapy in hospital. I know that private hospitals are different. They are very therapy based, but unfortunately I didn't have the insurance and whatever to be able to go into one of those. But I know that they have a lot more therapy. But when I was out of hospital, I guess it's sort of a postcode lottery.
00:56:43
Speaker
I know lots of people who, you know, live in different areas, they get different therapies. Personally, in my area, there was sort of minimal therapy, I guess. I was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder when I was 18. And in my area, they had a personality disorder service.
00:57:10
Speaker
So I was referred from hospital to that service when I was discharged from hospital and, um, they offered, they offered a lot. I mean, you know, they offered two years of therapy. Um, it was quite intensive. So like twice a week. Um, and I was with them a year really. Um, and then they eventually said to me, you know, this isn't, this is clearly not helping you.
00:57:40
Speaker
I mean, it honestly didn't benefit me at all. I honestly, I really didn't relate to what they were talking about. I mean, I do believe now that I never had a personality disorder. So again, like that was me being completely misdiagnosed. There are therapies available for people and I guess it's just, it's just luck when it comes down to it.
00:58:07
Speaker
you're in the right area with the right therapy at the right time. Um, so yeah, that was my experience with, I mean, I did go through a lot of other therapies, but not really for a long period of time. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, I still, I have a therapist now and she's, she's honestly amazing. Like she's, you know, ongoing. I've been with her four years and, but that's, you know, that was privately because
00:58:35
Speaker
they didn't offer that in the NHS. So we had no choice, basically. If I needed that support, you know, I had to, we have to go that way round, you know.
00:58:47
Speaker
Well, in terms of like therapy, I know that particularly for people with autism, they did a sort of wide scale survey for autistic people and they said that the majority of autistic people who have sort of like mental health diagnosis, which is honestly quite a lot and severe in fact, don't
00:59:17
Speaker
get the treatment that they feel that they need or at least the treatment that they are getting isn't sufficient and I do think
00:59:29
Speaker
I think that autistic people do need a different type of therapy. We need someone to actually get the differences at a core level, rather than just have a general awareness of, you know, autism aspergers and stuff like that. I think it has to be done very differently. So I went through counselling when I was in my adolescence for about
00:59:57
Speaker
four or five years in and out kind of. And I found zero of the sessions, any help at all. If anything, it made me feel more isolated and misunderstood. Yeah. Yeah.
01:00:19
Speaker
put me on medications and stuff. Like, I've been on, I mean, I always started on Prozac as you do. Yeah. Flocks a teen. Yeah, same. I had that on and off for a few years. Got myself off it on a few occasions. Felt great for about a week and then obviously plummeted.
01:00:43
Speaker
And then I was put on metazapine, which is more of a sort of anxiolytic type sedative drug. Had that for a while. That was kind of during the time that I was, that I did my research placement in Thailand. And then when I came back, I was put on another, found a really amazing, lovely doctor who put me on sertraline. And I went up to
01:01:14
Speaker
a fairly high dose on Sertralia started getting many episodes of panic attacks throughout the day because of it. So they took me off it. Now I'm on, I'm on Sitalopram and, you know, I've been prescribed that metazapine and now and again when
01:01:36
Speaker
my panic attacks a little bit too much. They prescribed me, you know, like typical benzos to help with that. I wanted to ask as well, because how did being on anti-psychotics feel? Were there any differences that you could tell?
01:02:02
Speaker
Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. A hundred percent. I mean, a lot of them have really horrible side effects. Like for example, weight gain, um, increased appetite, which isn't just like feeling hungry. It's honestly, we've come to eat and think about, yeah, absolutely ravenous. Honestly, like just eating 24 seven and they really affected me. And then.
01:02:31
Speaker
I guess other things, you know, you can, I mean, honestly, side effects lists gone forever, don't they? Um, but like, you know, they, they were the main sort of differences as opposed to like an antidepressant. I guess I felt like a complete zombie on them because they made me so tired and so sedated that I just, I was just asleep pretty much.
01:02:58
Speaker
all day. Yeah. And I just could not function on them. Um, I really, really couldn't. I wasn't myself. I felt really sort of numbed and empty and just sort of like I was just a robot, really just doing what people told me to do and just doing it. I didn't, I didn't, yeah, I didn't feel like myself. It was, they were really, um,
01:03:27
Speaker
bad for me personally. I know, you know, that they're really helpful for a lot of people and yeah, exactly. But for me, definitely not good. Really bad. That's crazy. Yeah. So yeah.
01:03:51
Speaker
I want to move on to, I do want to kind of keep questioning about this because obviously it's quite an interesting thing to talk about, you know, time's ticking on. So let's, so we move on to the next question.
Autism Misinterpretation and Awareness
01:04:05
Speaker
Why is it that autism can present as mental health illnesses or any sort of related disorders? Do you think that possibly being female got in the way of you being diagnosed of autism in the first place?
01:04:21
Speaker
I think that a lot of people with a late diagnosis of autism actually get diagnosed with mental health illness before being diagnosed as autistic. I think especially this is the case as a female. I mean, I also personally feel that there's a bit of discrimination as a female. I feel like we are more likely to get diagnosed with mental health illnesses and not have anyone look into the root cause.
01:04:50
Speaker
I think that, you know, a male presenting with mental illness, I feel like a lot of people look deeper into the cause as to why they're on well. I mean, I think this is probably due to the stigma around people thinking that it's more common for females to get mental illness, which obviously is not true. But yeah, I mean, obviously you can be autistic with a mental health illness as well. I mean, you mentioned this earlier, it's actually really common.
01:05:20
Speaker
Um, and quite a high proportion of autistic people do have mental illness as well. But yeah, I think, I think a girl being a girl or female, whatever can really affect how you're diagnosed. Because I feel like only really in the recent years, research into autistic females has only recently, you know, progress and.
01:05:46
Speaker
Yeah. I mean, I mean, years and years ago, people assumed autism only occurred in men, which is ridiculous and definitely not, not the case. Um, so yeah, I feel like, you know, there's, there's a long way to go still with, you know, research into autistic females, but, um, I think it is improving and also masking is quite common as an autistic female. Um, yeah, I think.
01:06:16
Speaker
This can lead to a lot of females being misdiagnosed. Slipping under the radar. Yeah, totally. Because it's very common and, you know, we learn to, you know, hide our artistic self and adapt to different environments. And yeah, so I think that's another reason.
01:06:38
Speaker
And I do from sort of the research that I've done and my mom is quite a big sort of figure in the special needs sort of area. She manages quite a large part of England for special needs and stuff. And she talks a lot about the differences between guys and girls. And from the research as well, it seems that
01:07:06
Speaker
that females seem to be more, can mask easier than guys can engage in social mimicry. Yeah.
01:07:20
Speaker
fit in and get an idea of the social environment and slot yourself in and copy people and all of that. And that seems to be something that's more prevalent in girls, I suppose. Whereas guys that I've met generally tend to be quite
01:07:39
Speaker
more on the side of sort of isolated in terms of not really talking that much at all and just sort of staying out of people's way and it does seem that there is a difference in the way that you know autism occurs socially between the you know genders and all that yeah i totally agree yeah
01:08:03
Speaker
I can imagine that even with the rates of, you know, borderline personalized disorder, BPD tends to be, you know, from the research more females. So I guess that, I guess that there'd be more of an inclination for people, for doctors and stuff to diagnose people with females with that stuff rather than
01:08:29
Speaker
sort of dig into the, probably in their mind, the less probable cause of the differences, I guess. Yeah, 100%. Definitely. I mean, when I was in that treatment for borderline personality disorder, there was no man, absolutely nobody. It was just all females. The research has only been sort of, has been swayed more towards females with borderline personality disorder, but maybe
01:08:59
Speaker
males actually present slightly differently with borderline personality disorder if they have it and maybe it's similar in that aspect possibly to do with more aggression more anger management kind of side of things that would make sense yeah yeah and then you obviously have the sort of social influence on both males and females in different ways i guess
01:09:25
Speaker
But it's definitely something to sort of try and, you know, think about and study a bit more. It's just that I think we are at the sort of cusp of starting to understand the human mind a bit more. And it's difficult because we know a lot of things, but we also, we know how much we don't know as well. And so that can be quite difficult to work with.
01:09:54
Speaker
Yeah, exactly. But I think we're in a good place at the moment with research progressing and people beginning to understand things more. It's a lot better than, say, 10 years ago, even.
01:10:09
Speaker
Yeah, it's a crazy world that we live in. Considering that a lot of psychotherapy and psychology work is about recognising outward
01:10:27
Speaker
displays of symptoms rather than physical causes and symptoms. There is always a gray area of interpretation or human error, I guess, that kind of stuff.
01:10:43
Speaker
Do you think that if people had more of an awareness of autism and Asperger's around the time that you were going through all these traumatic events, do you feel like that would have possibly given you a new avenue if you had known about it to a common extent and people around you knew about autism and Asperger's a bit more?
01:11:11
Speaker
especially sort of in, in schools, I feel like, I think, you know, school was the sort of the one time that I was sort of with professionals who, you know, maybe knew a bit more than sort of my parents. My parents really didn't know a lot about autism and stuff. I feel like if school had been more aware at the time and sort of picked up on it, then yeah, I mean,
01:11:40
Speaker
it would have helped me a lot. And I mean, I can't, I can't, you know, it's a hard thing to think about is it's hard to think, you know, what would my life have been like had I known, I was autistic, you know, earlier on. Um, I guess all I can do now is sort of, you know, I'm learning so much more about myself and I feel like I understand myself so much better. And I guess, you know, it's just,
01:12:07
Speaker
as cringe as it is, it's just like a new chapter in my life, you know? So yeah, I feel like it's just moving on from my past, not forgetting it, because you know, I'm never going to forget it. Do you think looking back at those experiences and your journey
01:12:27
Speaker
How do you process all of that stuff?
Resilience and Life Lessons
01:12:31
Speaker
Has your experience had any negative or I guess maybe positive things? I don't know how they can be positive. I think that looking back on my life and particularly looking back on my journey through being with mental health services and in psychiatric hospitals, there's
01:12:55
Speaker
I've still got a huge amounts to process. And I think I honestly have had a lot of trauma from being in those hospitals. And I think, you know, I've, I have blocked out a lot of it in my head because I've been so scared to think back to it. I think, I mean, in a positive sort of way, I think it has had a huge impact on me because I mean, I believe, I mean, positively, I believe that it's changed me as a person. I, you know, I'm so much stronger.
01:13:25
Speaker
and resilient than I ever thought I could be. And I guess I've had such an insight into so many things. And I feel like from now on, I'm never gonna take life for granted. And I really do appreciate every little thing. I am frustrated that I was so misunderstood my whole life, but there has been positive.
01:13:54
Speaker
You know, I think about the little things in life and I really do appreciate them a lot more. So, you know, that's been the positive and obviously the negative has been how traumatic it was. I suppose all those experiences give you an insight into things that people would not usually experience, I guess. Yeah, yeah. I guess that gives you a bit more of an understanding for
01:14:21
Speaker
You know, a different way of viewing the world, I guess. As opposed to sort of easy, easy going first world, first world living. Oh yeah, exactly. I mean, I think that's why I've sort of dealt with this whole COVID-19 situation because I've had so much chaos in my life that like now I'm just like, well, you know, you know, I can, I can deal with it. At least I'm at home. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
01:14:51
Speaker
Um so yeah I mean you know there have been positives and it has changed me and I have so much more understanding for sort of people who are going through similar things now I think because I never knew before that you know people could go through these things.
01:15:07
Speaker
Wow, well, my mind is absolutely blown by this conversation. It's like, it's not often that I get to talk to someone who's had quite the experiences that you've had and it's, honestly, it's been, I'm very honored that you're coming on to talk to me about it and talk to other people.
01:15:34
Speaker
I feel like it gives people a better understanding of this stuff and it's also very brave that you've been so open and honest about your things. Quite an amazing person, gotta say. Thank you. No, I think it has. I'm in the place now where I can talk about it. I wouldn't really have been able to talk about this a few months ago, but I really do want to
01:16:04
Speaker
make people understand, you know, about, you know, mental illness and the experiences I've been through. And, um, I feel like, you know, I'm so, so grateful that you, you asked me to, to come on and talk about it because, you know, I really wanted to, I really wanted to, you know, even if it's just to, you know, help one person, I feel that it's really important to talk about. That's enough.
01:16:32
Speaker
Yeah, so it's been good. This is the fun part of the podcast system, which is obviously said in air quotations. What three things that you've mentioned do you think are the most important things to take away? What are the most important lessons or things that you want people to really think about when they finish listening?
01:17:01
Speaker
Okay. I feel like it's just really important to really emphasize that every autistic person is different. I think, you know, it's important to realize that the stereotypes associated with autism can really leave somebody being misdiagnosed. I guess also going back to what we talked about about females and how
01:17:29
Speaker
you know, they can be a factor getting an autism diagnosis. I feel like that was quite an important thing to talk about because it really is the case. And, you know, I mean, I know, you know, research into autistic females is getting better, but I feel like there's still a long way to go. And I feel like people need to be aware that, you know, this is the case. Probably, I mean, I don't know, I'm not a, you know, researcher, but it might be more even about how many
01:17:58
Speaker
men have autism and how many females have autism, but we don't know until more people understand, you know, and how more people understand that, you know, females do mask a lot and they're more likely to do so. And I guess, I don't know, I guess it was important to talk about psychiatric hospitals. I feel like it's really untalked about subjects. I mean, it's a tough subject and a really
01:18:28
Speaker
sort of harsh topic to talk about, but it really does need to be talked about. And going forward, I think hospital, psychiatric hospitals really do need to be more accommodating for autistics because I just, I genuinely feel like it's, it really is an unsuitable environment for autistic people to be in. And I feel like that needs to change because I really don't think people are accommodating autistics when they're going to hospital.
01:18:59
Speaker
But yeah, I just, I do feel like it's important that I talked about, you know, being in a psychiatric hospital and, you know, going into that into detail, because I feel like people just don't understand. They don't know what's going on. Brilliant. Thank you very much.
01:19:20
Speaker
So we've got the final little open question that I give to everybody who comes on to talk about autism on this podcast. And that is, what does autism mean to you? I really like this question actually. I suppose autism gives me a huge amount of strengths, strengths that I believe I only have because I'm autistic. You know, I'm extremely creative and I feel
01:19:49
Speaker
I really do feel as though I see the world differently, which really helps my art and photography because it makes it so unique. I know that we have struggles, but I do believe if the world became more inclusive and accepting, it would make it easier for us to navigate the world. I'm going to leave you with one of my favorite quotes.
01:20:14
Speaker
Exciting stuff. Yeah. Cool. It's sometimes attributed to Albert Einstein, but they don't really know. But everybody is a genius. But if you judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree, it will live its whole life believing that it is stupid. I mean, this really, I just love it because for so long I felt I was born on the wrong planet, living a life that really wasn't mine. But, you know, now I know I'm not and
01:20:43
Speaker
I'm completely meant to be here. Um, you know, being autistic makes me so unique in so many different ways. And I'm so happy that on me, I guess. Um, so, I mean, for so long, I wasn't happy, you know, you know, that I wasn't me and I wasn't happy in the skin that I was in, but, you know, I'm so much more positive now, um, which is, it's really nice.
01:21:07
Speaker
Thank you for that. I like that little quote. I've heard of it before. I can't remember who wrote it. Yeah, it's sometimes sort of linked to Albert Einstein but I think it's sort of unknown really. I don't really know. Maybe it's one of those Instagram quotes that people say that it's a quote from somebody important but actually are just saying it on Instagram and then it catches on. Yeah, totally.
01:21:36
Speaker
It's a good quote. Yeah, it is, isn't it? Very cool. So, sorry my throat's a little bit croaky today. Maybe I'm coming down with a... Oh no, don't. Nah, I'll be alright.
01:21:55
Speaker
So do you want to give out some sort of like links and stuff to your social media or do you want to, you know, give some links to that video that you were talking about before the podcast? Oh yeah. Okay, so I made a film on parental health illness last year and basically the
01:22:21
Speaker
The name of the film is a storied mind. So sort of storied with IED on the end. Um, and it's on YouTube, so you can probably find, anyone can find it on there. And my Instagram is lots with, so L-O-T-T-S, voicing autism. Your photography page. My photography page. So many accounts. It's Lottie B photography on Instagram.
01:22:49
Speaker
Very cool. And I definitely recommend anyone out there to go check out, at least go check out the photography Instagram page because, yeah, some of the stuff on there, it's top quality stuff. Thank you. I'll have to see if you'll let me use some of them for my video thumbnails.
01:23:10
Speaker
Obviously the 4080 podcast is available on Spotify, Apple Podcasts and YouTube so you can always go check the episode out on those. You know, maybe sometimes you don't want to be downloading all that data from YouTube. Sometimes maybe just going on Spotify and checking out the 4080 podcast would be a good idea.
01:23:33
Speaker
In terms of my sort of links, of course, the Asperger's Grove YouTube channel, mental health and autism videos, all that kind of good stuff. Then you've got my social media accounts, at Asperger's Grove, Facebook, Instagram and Twitter. And if you want to get in contact and possibly appear on the podcast or have an interesting topic that you want me to talk about, you can always email me at aspergerscrove at gmail.com.
01:24:03
Speaker
There is also something that I wanted to mention as well, which is the documentary that I'd been working on. I think at this time, the time of recording, I'm still working on it for it to go out, but it's likely that when this recording goes out and when you're hearing this, it's already out there. In the big wide world, it's a documentary called Asperger's and Society, and it's all about the link between autism and mental health.
01:24:31
Speaker
Is it biological? Is it social? Give it a watch. It's free on YouTube. I would very much appreciate it. So Lottie, have you enjoyed your experience on the 40 or two podcast? I've really enjoyed it. Thank you so much. I'm beaming. I've honestly loved it. Thank you so much. I feel like we talked about some really, you know, good, good things. And then, yeah, I've loved speaking with you. Thank you so much.
01:25:01
Speaker
As I said, I'm very grateful that you've come on to talk about these experiences and being so honest. And I'm sure you'll get lots of messages from lots of lovely people thanking you for just how open and honest and lovely you've been talking about these issues that are obviously quite traumatic and negative for you.
01:25:23
Speaker
Yeah. It's very much appreciated. Thank you so much. So thank you very much for watching everybody. This has been your host, Thomas Henley from the Asperger's Grove channel on the 4080 podcast and Lottie from Lots Voicing Autism Instagram page. My outros are never particularly good because I'm not very good at rounding things up. So do you want to say goodbyes?
01:25:52
Speaker
Thank you so much everyone for listening. Yeah, just thank you for listening to my story and just what we've been talking about.
01:26:05
Speaker
listening to us monologue about our life and our thoughts and our info dumping brains splurging out information into an audio file for it to be converted into ones and zeros and then sent to your listening device and then converted back into audio and then translated from the audio that's coming out of your speakers into speech that you can comprehend and understand. I'm so grateful for you, stay with me.
01:26:38
Speaker
Thank you for listening guys. See you later.