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Break Up, Divorce & Going No Contact: The Red Flags Were Loud
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Bruce Anthony and J. Aundrea jump into messy “Am I Overreacting?” relationship dilemmas that hit way too close to home. We’re talking a boyfriend so cheap it starts looking suspicious, a family covering for an abusive fiancé to rush a green-card wedding, and a holiday co-parenting curveball that turns into a full-on boundaries and communication test. Expect real talk, wild side-eyes, and that sibling energy that keeps it honest (and hilarious). Tap in, then tell us in the comments: where’s the line between “supportive” and “you’re volunteering me for nonsense”? #AmIOverreacting
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Chapters:
00:00 Jay Was Already ENRAGED Before We Hit Record 😤🔥🎙️
00:17 Welcome to Unsolicited Perspectives 🎙️🔥
00:47 Sibling Happy Hour: Sips, Laughs & Sibling Shenanigans 🍹😂
01:52 Dead Squirrel Chaos: A Dog Owner's Nightmare 🐕💀😱
05:21 When to Tell Someone to Leave: The Breaking Point 💔🚪⚡
08:36 The Penny-Pinching Boyfriend: Red Flags Everywhere 💸🚩😬
15:31 The 40-Mile Train Station Mystery Deepens 🚂🤔💰
18:55 Sometimes You Just Have to Ask: Are You Happy? 💬💔✨
21:45 The Wedding Lie: Family Hiding Abuse for a Green Card 💍🚨😡
24:33 When There's Nothing You Can Do: The Hardest Truth 😢🙏💔
27:36 Violence as Self-Defense: When Is It Justified? 👊⚖️🔥
36:28 Christmas Morning Drama: The Ex-Wife Situation 🎄😰💑
42:40 He Should Have Talked to Her First: Communication Fail 💬❌😤
46:29 Package Deal Reality: Dating a Parent Means Forever 👨👦📦💯
49:16 The Pecking Order: When You Realize You're Not #1 💔👨👧👦😔
51:32 Wrapping Up: Happy Holidays & See You in January! 🎁✨👋
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Transcript
Introduction to 'Unsolicited Perspectives'
00:00:00
Speaker
my sister's rage, family, and friends. We gonna get into it. Let's get it.
00:00:17
Speaker
Welcome. First of all, welcome. This is Unsolicited Perspectives. I'm your host, Bruce Anthony, here to lead the conversation in important events and topics that are shaping today's society. Join the conversation and follow us wherever you can try your podcasts. Subscribe to our YouTube channel for our video podcast, YouTube exclusive content, and our YouTube membership.
00:00:37
Speaker
Rate, review, like, comment, share. Share with your friends, share with your family, hell, even share with your
Sibling Happy Hour with Jay Andrea
00:00:44
Speaker
enemies. On today's episode, it's the Sibling Happy Hour. I'm here with my sis, Jay Andrea. We're going to be dealing that in a little bit, and then we're going doing a lot of Reddits. Am I overreacting?
00:00:55
Speaker
But that's enough of the intro. Let's get to the show.
00:01:05
Speaker
What up, sis? What up, brother? I can't call it.
Holiday Break Announcement
00:01:09
Speaker
I can't call it. But you told me before we get into anything, ladies and gentlemen, First and foremost, let me just remind you again that we're taking a break for the holidays. This will be the last episode until January the 6th, which is the Tuesday.
00:01:26
Speaker
um so we're going to just be taking some time off. Don't worry. If you need some original content, jump on our YouTube page. We'll have some original content on there. This is just a reminder that we're taking a much-needed vacation.
Jay's Dog and the Squirrel Incident
00:01:39
Speaker
But, Jay, before we even started recording, you jumped on here and you said,
00:01:44
Speaker
I'm enraged. Yeah. Why? Yeah. So let me tell you how my evening went last night. Okay. I let my dogs out for their for their last, you know, their evening potty before bed.
00:01:59
Speaker
And i see Roni sniffing something in the yard. I walk up, it looked like a dog toy. And I was like, I don't remember buying them this dog toy. Some neighbor dog must have left it in the yard. Well, Roscoe sees it.
00:02:12
Speaker
And he goes right for it, picks it up, starts running around with it. And I realized it's a dead squirrel. a A real dead squirrel. Not a toy. no Real.
00:02:24
Speaker
And he thinks it's playtime. there And I cannot catch him. And I'm out there in the middle of night screaming bloody murder. because this dog thinks that this squirrel is a toy and he will not let it go.
00:02:40
Speaker
And I'm chasing him all around the cul-de-sac. He will not let it. He's shaking it. Just having a good old time, juking me, breaking my ankles, all kinds of things. I'm screaming at this dog. It's clearly not a game. He has an electric collar on. It wasn't until I got him in his crate and took it off that realized the collar wasn't even on.
00:03:03
Speaker
Wasn't even on. So I'm trying to shock him. Collar's not even on. So he's not responding, having a good old time. I finally go get the shovel. Because sometimes he drops it. e I cover it with the shovel.
00:03:17
Speaker
I grab him, get him in the house, throw him in his crate. Okay? But that's not the end of it. That's not the end. Because i have to let them out again this morning. Which means I have to get rid of this dead squirrel that's in my yard. So I'm out there with a rake and a shovel.
00:03:36
Speaker
sco
Intervening in Penny-Pinching Boyfriend's Influence
00:03:45
Speaker
I'm trying to finesse this dead squirrel into the shovel so that I could then carry it deep into the forest.
00:03:56
Speaker
Because it can't be close. They'll catch the scent. He'll get it again. I have to carry it deep into the forest and throw it upon the brush. So that's how... And you know what? They still kind of started picking up the scent.
00:04:12
Speaker
Because he was going to where I was i walked into the woods. I said, not today. Never again. So he's on punishment. And so I'm not in a great mood.
00:04:25
Speaker
I'm not in a great mood. And you know how these Reddits get me fired up. So we're just going to roll with it. I'm telling everybody to break up.
00:04:36
Speaker
Everybody needs a divorce. Everybody go no contact. That's my response to everything today. That's your response. It's going to great.
00:04:47
Speaker
That's your response to everything all the time. It's part of the reason why sometimes I come to you for advice and sometimes I don't. i Because I'd be like, Jay ain't going be...
00:04:58
Speaker
Jane going step out of herself and give me the best advice. She going always say cut it. that's That is the best advice most of the time. Most of the time is cut it. No, most of the time people hold on to things for for reasons that do not even benefit them.
00:05:14
Speaker
Right. And so a lot of the time the response is to cut it. OK. Yes. But a person can only cut it when they're ready to cut it.
00:05:24
Speaker
Yes. and so But I'm at least going to put the bug in your ear. Well, yes. yeah But most people are defiant. Or maybe not most people. I'm defiant. Yes. And and they're going just be like, no, they're going dig in.
00:05:39
Speaker
We're going to get into it because some of these Reddits is just like, hey, do we say something or do we not say something? But... I know for me personally and for giving advice, people come to me all the time and they're like, what you think I should do? And I'm always, you know, very thoughtful in my reaction. I don't like to tell people you should do this or do that unless they like, at Bruce, what should I do? And I'm always like, I think this is the best course of action. But I know that people are never going to leave a situation until they're fed up.
00:06:13
Speaker
Yes. Yeah.
Sister's Abusive Relationship Dilemma
00:06:15
Speaker
and so let But I feel like the moment they come to you for advice, that's the start of it. That's the start of the process of getting fed up.
00:06:23
Speaker
And so I'm just going to put that bug in your Hey, seems like he' getting fed up.
00:06:34
Speaker
You might be getting shut up for a reason. I know personally, I have to get to that breaking point or else I can't let go. But once I get to that breaking go a breaking point, oh, I've let go completely. Ain't no coming back. Ladies gentlemen, and the reason why I was laughing during the intro is because my sister was so enraged in the beginning that it messed me up. That's the reason why I was chuckling in the intro. It was still going to be one take Bruce. Look, y'all going to get it even if it's messy. That's just what it is. And guess what? You got through it all. so I got through it chuckling, but I did get through it all. Yes.
00:07:09
Speaker
all right, so Jay, we're gonna start to get to these Reddits. And ladies gentlemen, like I said, this is last episode before we go on vacation. And I'm gonna be real honest with you. It's gonna be a full episode, but it's gonna be a full short episode, which means which means that we're not gonna go for the full hour, more than likely.
00:07:25
Speaker
That's what the plan is. But both me and my sister have ah the gift and the unfortunate gift of Gap. So who knows how this long this show is gonna go. We could be quite loquacious. Yes, ah yes loquacious meaning that you can just talk for a long time. Talkative.
00:07:42
Speaker
Talkative, yeah. all right, so this first Reddit is, am I overreacting? went And the but the whole basis of this Reddit and this segment is, when do you tell a friend or a loved one to leave a relationship?
00:07:55
Speaker
That was not planned. to Me and my sister was literally literally talking about that before this Reddit. But... That's what we're going talk about. So I'm not reading these reddits because I'm a little tired and it seemed like I got cotton mouth and it might just be because I'm dehydrated and I'm also drinking right now. So I'm going to have somebody else read them.
00:08:16
Speaker
So here we go. My daughter, age 30, has been dating a man, also 30, for about four years. I'm concerned that his penny pinching habits are starting to affect her health.
00:08:29
Speaker
He only showers at her house because he says it's too expensive to use his own. He never drives on their trips, claiming fuel costs are too high, so she always uses her car. When they eat out, he insists they pay separately, but if he decides he's not hungry, he'll share her plate.
00:08:45
Speaker
He also uses her home as his office to work from home. The list goes on. I can see this is wearing her down. She tells me about all these things, and I've commented that she will never be happy with him because of his meanness.
00:09:00
Speaker
In other ways, he seems fine, courteous, and polite, but this side of him is troubling. Today, she phoned to ask if I would drive him to a train station about 40 miles away, because it would add $36 to his fare if he left from his local station.
00:09:16
Speaker
She also asked if I could collect him on Tuesday. I declined. I've told my wife I'm reluctant to have him visit us for Boxing Day lunch. He won't bring a gift or a bottle, and he'll likely ask for leftovers to take home.
00:09:32
Speaker
The irony is that he has a good job and puts about $2,144 a month into a savings account. So my question is, do I speak up or do I stay quiet?
00:09:44
Speaker
Jay, you want to take this one first? Yeah, um he is homeless.
00:09:52
Speaker
Okay, you calling him a hobosexual? No, na na no, no, no. He is homeless.
00:10:00
Speaker
He's homeless. um I need to see the savings account because I don't believe it exists. I don't believe it exists. he iss He is homeless and jobless.
00:10:16
Speaker
And his car got repoed. And that's why he needs rides to the train station. That's why it's always taking her car. And that's why it's like, he showers at your house because too expensive to shower. it
00:10:30
Speaker
Sorry, I'm sorry. We have to pay separately, but then he won't eat. He'll eat off my plate and I'm still playing for, he's homeless. He is unhoused and jobless.
00:10:45
Speaker
And I need to see receipts. because none of that makes sense. None of that, none of that makes sense.
00:10:56
Speaker
Girlfriend, at that big age, none of that makes sense. um Do I speak up or do I stay quiet? I wouldn't have stopped speaking up.
00:11:10
Speaker
yeah I would have been speaking up from the moment I was told that this person comes to your house to take showers so that they don't have to pay their water bill.
00:11:28
Speaker
that's That's the moment I would have, the first instance of this shenanigans, I would have never stopped speaking up, especially as this person's parent.
00:11:38
Speaker
No. And you're putting away money in a savings, save for what? Probably save it for a home if you're homeless. I need to see receipts. He has a good job. How do you know? You haven't picked him up from work?
00:11:55
Speaker
He might have found out if he decided to go ahead and pick him up from that train station and drop him off. Why is he taking the train and it's too expensive to take it from his local station? He don't have a local station, baby.
00:12:12
Speaker
He don't have a local station. He uses your home as his office to work from home because he don't have a computer or internet or electricity.
00:12:28
Speaker
I would have not. What do you mean? Do I speak up? there was There was never a time I wasn't speaking up. Okay. The dynamic is father-daughter.
00:12:40
Speaker
It's a little different than siblings. Nope. so You are a parent. Yes. Alright. So, here's my take. he He could have his own place and just be incredibly cheap. I know people who are incredibly cheap. This is extreme. This is extreme.
00:13:02
Speaker
But I know people who are incredibly cheap. Look, this is what I'll say as far as whether he should speak up or stay quiet. I think there are two separate things, speaking up and staying quiet, right? You can say something which is not staying quiet, but not necessarily speaking up.
00:13:20
Speaker
I had a situation where I had a friend that was in a bad relationship. I've actually had several friends that were in a bad relationship. These two particular cases I'm going to bring up.
00:13:32
Speaker
In one case, the person kept telling me about their partner and about stuff that I considered, oh, this is kind of like a deal breaker for me, but I could tell that you really love them.
00:13:44
Speaker
And instead of saying, this seemed like a deal breaker to me. I would just ask questions to make them think about the situation. Because a lot of times people realize what they're going through subconsciously, but, and are saying it, but it's not connecting.
00:14:04
Speaker
And so I would ask questions just to make them think. Another person, another friend of mine sent me a whole voice note bunch of voice notes. It was like recent type of situation. Just explaining their circumstance.
00:14:19
Speaker
And what I said to them was, hey, I'm not going really make a comment. You know what I think you should do? Go back and listen to what you said. Mm-hmm.
00:14:30
Speaker
I know personally I was in a situation and I was explaining it to a friend and it was talking out loud and saying it as opposed to just running it over and over and over and over in my head. It was speaking and out loud to made me and be like, wait a minute.
00:14:47
Speaker
What the hell am I doing? one yeah So I don't think he should necessarily be like, hey, look, this person is homeless. The way you were going about it, i don't necessarily think that's the best way because this is the father and you always run the risk of this person digging their heels in because they love them and then going no contact to not even have to deal with what you're having to say anymore.
00:15:14
Speaker
Here, I have... If the train station is 40 miles away, well where exactly are you going?
00:15:27
Speaker
It does sound like if Johnny is traveling at five miles per hour on the train and the train is 40 miles away from the station, how long does Johnny take to get to the station and what is the cost? Yeah, I mean, it does sound Am I taking you one stop away?
00:15:44
Speaker
a Who... ah It was 40 minutes, right? Where are you going? 40 miles. Well, 40 miles could be 40 minutes. Or D.C., that could be three hours. so yes And in Atlanta, it could be three hours. All I'm saying is he could speak up without speaking up.
00:16:00
Speaker
Sometimes it's just, hey, how are things going? And then letting them explain it out loud. Sometimes they people just need to hear it. Hear the words from their situation out of their own mouths.
00:16:14
Speaker
But here's the thing, she's been explaining it because that's how her dad knows about it in the first place. yeah So now's the time to be like, hey, do me a favor, one day insist he drive.
00:16:32
Speaker
One day and tell him he can't work from home. Maybe they're just to make up that they're doing maintenance or something on your apartment or something. Just tell him one day he can't and that you got to go to his place to work.
00:16:45
Speaker
Just one day, make it inconvenient for him. And see what his reaction is.
Father's Dilemma: Speaking on Daughter's Relationship
00:16:53
Speaker
And that will tell you all you need to know. Yeah, I agree with you.
00:16:58
Speaker
Right. I agree with you. But it's the dad's perception that this is affecting her health. It doesn't seem like she's coming to him saying, hey, this is an issue for me.
00:17:12
Speaker
It seems like the dad is saying. This is an issue for her. He said, I can see this is wearing her down. Well, tells me about all these things. And I've commented that she will never be happy with him because of his meanness. It's not his meanness. He's taking advantage of you. Right. But she's not saying that she's feeling a type of way. This is her father's perception of yes what she's feeling. She's not voicing that.
00:17:40
Speaker
Well, we don't know. When she tells him about these things, we don't know the way in which she's telling him about these things. I feel like she... Are they complaints? Yeah, I feel like if they were complaints, he would have said she is complaining.
00:17:53
Speaker
She might be happy with the situation and not think of that big of a deal. She and herself might be like, I kind of like the situation because I like the fact that he comes over because I don't want to go over his place. I like the fact that we split down the middle and I paid for my office. to the land of make-believe.
00:18:13
Speaker
i'm just I'm just saying, yes, sometimes we can look at a situation and be like, ooh, our friends or our loved ones are in a bad situation, but unless they are vocalizing that they feel like they're in a bad situation, not our perception of it, but unless they're vocalizing it, we don't know that they're not happy with what the circumstances are just because we wouldn't put up with the circumstances doesn't mean that I, look,
00:18:38
Speaker
Other people do what they want to do. That's true. we handle things differently. You always want to cut things off. So part of speaking up, the first question would be, how are you feeling about all of this? That's what I, yes. Are you happy in this relationship? What are you getting out of it? Where are the benefits to you?
00:18:59
Speaker
Right. And I hate this question with a passion, but it feels like it needs to be asked, what does he bring into the table? Right. Mm-hmm. Yeah. Besides politeness and courteousness.
00:19:10
Speaker
Well, I tell you what I would absolutely tell her is like, hey, look, don't be bringing me into your shit. Don't be asking. Don't include me. Yeah. Y'all got your own situation. No, I'm not about to drive him and pick him up because he don't want to pay the extra $36. Has she been going through this for four years? Look, i'm hey, but that's what I'm saying. Maybe maybe she's happy, right? and Maybe she's happy.
00:19:34
Speaker
We know people, and we know people personally that don't like to go out, don't like to do this, don't like to do that. You know, I personally don't like to go out to dinners. It's weird.
00:19:45
Speaker
Other people love going out to dinners. People like and dislike what what they have or whatever. You know, if people are different. So maybe she's just like, I rock with it. You know, it ain't no big deal for me. But what you not going to is inconvenience the hell out of being because you're going to have a sick a particular situation. That's on you. i'd be like, I'd be just like the dad. Hell to the nah.
00:20:05
Speaker
Yeah. I'm not driving him 40 miles away so he can save $36. Mind you, I'm spending $36 in gas to get you this 40 miles so you can go out of nowhere because it seems like I'm taking you most of the way.
00:20:24
Speaker
All right, so me and my sister sort of agree but mostly disagree about how to handle the situation. We both agree that you got to say something, just what you say is just a little bit different. But I do agree with the fact that asking, hey, you happy?
00:20:40
Speaker
You good? How you feel about this particular situation? I do agree with that. And, hey, ladies and gentlemen, sometimes that's all you need to do. You ain't got to voice your opinion all the time. Let people live their lives. If they miserable, people are only going to change when they want to change. You can't make them change.
00:21:01
Speaker
All all right, Jay, this is a similar story, kinda. It's about a couple in a relationship, but this one's a lot more serious. The headline is, am I overreacting to my family lying to me about my sister's wedding?
00:21:22
Speaker
And you'd be like, damn, why is why is your family lying to you about your sister's wedding? Like, what the hell is going on with y'all? I'm just going to let him tell it.
00:21:33
Speaker
okay And then me and my sister is going to let y'all know our opinion about it. Okay.
00:21:41
Speaker
My sister, who is 18, is getting married in three months. When I met her fiancé for the first time, I witnessed him hit her. Apparently, this wasn't the first time, and I've been deeply upset ever since.
00:21:53
Speaker
My parents believe he can change, saying he didn't know you're not supposed to roughhouse with girls. But he also kicked my nine-year-old cousin, leaving a mark on her side. I believe he's abusive, and I've told my relatives.
00:22:07
Speaker
Now everyone is calling my parents, telling them they're wrong for encouraging and still planning this wedding. Meanwhile, I've been told I'm overreacting, that I'm creating drama by speaking out about what I saw, while my parents continue to push for the marriage.
00:22:20
Speaker
A week ago, my sister called and said they were postponing the wedding and going to counseling. But today I found out that she and my parents made up that lie just to silence me. They didn't want me telling anyone else about the abuse or turning family against my parents and her fiancé.
00:22:36
Speaker
How long were they planning to keep this lie going until after the wedding? I feel so hurt that I'm considering going no contact with my parents. Am I overreacting? The reason they are rushing into marriage is to get him a green card since he's not a U.S. citizen.
Ignoring Sister's Abuse for Green Card Marriage
00:22:54
Speaker
I can't. Jay, ladies gentlemen and gentlemen, if y'all are not watching the video, which you should, by the way, because our facial expressions add a lot more. ah But if you listen to the audio, thank you anyway. ah My sister's expression, priceless.
00:23:10
Speaker
Jay, tell me what's on your mind. There's nothing he can do. a And that's the sad truth. If your sister is determined to do this and your parents, no matter what, are pushing her for this, to get this person a green card when he will surely abuse her and definitely leave her once he's established as a citizen, there's nothing you can do.
00:23:43
Speaker
There's nothing you can do. She's 18. She's an adult. You voiced your opinion. You've let people know you've done everything you could do up to and maybe included whooping his ass. But there is really honestly, aside from you meeting with him man to man or if I don't know if this person is male or female, actually you meeting with the fiance and letting them know You put your hands on my sister. going to put my hands on you. Aside from like anything like that, like, and and again, like that's just creating a cycle of violence. There's honestly nothing that you can do.
00:24:21
Speaker
Except when your sister falls, be there to catch her. Mm-hmm. there isn't But you are outnumbered in this situation and everybody is digging it. If you've already told people, told her, it's not I believe he's abusive. He definitely is. If he's willing to do that in front of you, he definitely is. He's doing worse behind your back.
00:24:55
Speaker
There's nothing you can do except to let her know that if she needs you to call you and that she will be there. but But she is... It seems like she's got this in her head enough to lie to you.
00:25:15
Speaker
The parents are really... Truly terrible because honestly, what does him getting a green card have to do with your daughter?
00:25:28
Speaker
Money. Okay. It got to be. Ladies and gentlemen, I was doing the money sign. I forget sometimes this audio. It's got to be money. It's got to be. Because it sounds like it sounds like they're marrying their daughter off.
00:25:43
Speaker
Because he got some money. So that's like that's, to me, that's got to be the reason behind it. Either he got some money or his family got some money. There's some money tied to all this, which yeah in certain cultures, they like, look, it's a come up. Hey, back in olden times, that's what they used to do. They used to marry off their daughters. So so ah it's barbaric to me, but don't.
00:26:07
Speaker
I didn't grow up in that culture, so um I can't judge a culture for having their customs. I can't absolutely judge a a man for hitting a woman.
00:26:18
Speaker
Now, I only believe but the only time that you should ever raise your hands to a woman is, one, if she's a licensed fighter, okay, I dated a woman.
00:26:32
Speaker
was a semi-amateur Muay Thai fighter. Me and her never got into it We never had to. it was We never fought or anything like that. But because she had fought semi-pro and was trained to fight, and she squared up on me, the first thing I'm going to grab her and be like, hey, stop. But if she start whooping my ass, we're going have to crumble.
00:26:58
Speaker
Yeah, Wonder Woman situation. yeah like nobody ever Nobody ever gets on the male villain for fighting Wonder Woman. right Or Supergirl. Or Supergirl. Nobody ever says anything about ah what's ah what's his name?
00:27:15
Speaker
ah Thanos punching Captain Marvel. Captain Marvel. Nobody said no, right? Because these are women that can beat the hell out of anybody. So, um okay.
00:27:30
Speaker
But also, you know, we don't condone violence, but hey look i I see what you're saying. If they if they can legitimately whoop your ass.
00:27:40
Speaker
Right. You defending yourself then. You're right. You defending yourself then. Yeah. So, And you don't condone violence. I say violence is sometimes necessary and should be condoned. OK. And this is one of them type of situations.
00:27:57
Speaker
Jay, it you my sister. Love you to death. All right. Been been trying to watch over and protect you for the last 41 years. Right. If something happened to you, just like our younger brother always got me into fights. If something happened to you, know,
00:28:13
Speaker
I'm riding. Giving my life. right Don't care to what happens to me because I'm protecting you. If somebody ever, ever put their hands on you, In front of me, I don't think that anybody would be able to stop me from unaliving them. Like, it would have to be a group effort because what?
00:28:35
Speaker
yeah So, first of all, I got to question my man, like, why you ain't jump on him right away? Because you might not condone violence. I condone violence in certain situations. I mean, we don't know he didn't. He could have left that part out.
00:28:48
Speaker
And he probably, if he did. Not to implicate himself, but, well you know. Also, if he got his ass whooped, he probably might have left that out, okay? Right. But if you did get your ass whooped, you could always catch him from behind the back, right? like Yeah. Like, you could catch him when he's asleep. Not literally asleep, but when he's sleeping. Okay to fight dirty in this situation, absolutely. I think it's okay to fight dirty in every situation because in our big adult life, you fighting for your life. So there is no fighting dirty.
00:29:14
Speaker
Yes. You're right. There's nothing that he can do, but there is something that he could do. He could run this guy off. And I don't condone this because it's being used in a very hurtful manner that's destroying people's lives.
00:29:33
Speaker
However,
00:29:37
Speaker
this is a type of situation where you call ice
00:29:42
Speaker
This is the type of situation where his ass got to go because the family ain't listening or don't care or condoning it. They clearly don't care.
00:29:53
Speaker
And there's obviously something behind that. And we think it's money. And I think ICE need to go ahead and collect them. That's one way to get rid of them. If you can't beat them, call somebody else to beat him.
00:30:05
Speaker
i now I don't typically, like I think people are weaponizing ICE and i actually don't believe in ICE at all. ICE is weaponizing itself. Right, right. But this is the type of situation
00:30:17
Speaker
where let's go ahead and take his ass up out the country. he that This is the type situation where maybe he need to be in that El Salvadorian prison or Guatemalan prison. I'm just saying. Yeah, I mean, he's abusive. He's a predator.
00:30:31
Speaker
And it's not going to get better. he kicked a kid. After they get married. Yeah. he kicked a kid. A girl. A little girl. Was it a little girl? I know it was nine-year-old kid. He said, and my nine-year-old cousin leaving a mark on her side. Yep, yep. You're right. No, no. He kicked a little girl. So it's not going to get better. now this ain't going to better. It's going to get progressively worse. The problem is if he continues to push the brother, if he continues to push, then when his sister is in trouble, she's not going to call him.
00:31:07
Speaker
don I honestly think because he's just he's just that even even family calling in the parents. Nothing is, which means the money got to be moneying.
00:31:20
Speaker
it but because theylaing Because honestly, you think he he didn't know he you weren't supposed to roughhouse with girls? What are you talking about? He's not he's not a toddler.
00:31:34
Speaker
Well, if she's 18, okay, no, he's not a toddler. Then the minimum of he's 18, he's not a toddler. No, I can't. Yeah, you're right.
00:31:43
Speaker
You're right. there's no Yeah, he kicked a nine-year-old in the side. A nine-year-old girl, what in the hell? And if that is not enough to keep the parents or his sister from saying that he's overreacting and creating drama, fine.
00:32:02
Speaker
Fine. Y'all do what y'all want to do. But sis, I'm letting you know If you need me, call me. Because honestly, I don't, and it and it's a sad situation. It's absolutely, but if they're going up to, like all the way to lying to you, one, you're not gonna be invited to this. This wedding probably is gonna happen and you not gonna know about it.
00:32:28
Speaker
Well, he already said that they lied to him about it. Yeah. And they're like, how long are they gonna keep this lie until after the wedding? Probably. It's probably going to happen and you're not going to know about it. The only thing you could do is go to your sister and be like, I am concerned not just for your safety, but for your life.
00:32:48
Speaker
If you go through with this, I'm telling you, you're putting your life in danger. If you get to a point where you cannot handle it, call me.
00:33:00
Speaker
I will be there immediately. But other than that, there's nothing there's nothing you can do. People have to... The hardest thing about domestic violence situations is convincing the person that they need to get... The hardest thing, honestly, is is making a path for them to get away safely.
00:33:23
Speaker
But sometimes it's convincing the person that they need to get away. And sometimes you can't convince them. The only thing you could do is say your piece and be there when they need you and know that they, and let them know that they have your unconditional support.
00:33:45
Speaker
But, but they have to want to get away and then you can help create that path for her. But
00:33:57
Speaker
She's entirely too young. This is, i i don't know what, I don't know what your parents are thinking. It's got, ah the only thing I can think of is, A, they do not care about her at all.
00:34:13
Speaker
Her safety, her well-being, her life, they care nothing about her. Enough to put what I can only assume has got to be a lot of money ahead of her and her safety.
00:34:27
Speaker
And it's enough that they're willing to push her into this and to continue to push for the marriage. That is disgusting.
00:34:39
Speaker
You should be disgusted. And if you want to go no contact with those people, feel feel free. Feel free. They lying to your face anyway. but But I know that you clearly love and care about your sister.
00:34:53
Speaker
Pull her aside and let her know that. And then, i mean, you could really, there's nothing you can do except wait for the call. So the simple answer, sir, are you overreacting?
00:35:09
Speaker
Hell no. Not even close.
00:35:16
Speaker
All right, Jay, for this last one, also another relationship one.
Navigating Christmas with Partner's Ex
00:35:24
Speaker
um I've felt this personally because kind of been in this type of situation.
00:35:31
Speaker
um You've never been married, but you've you've. Have you dated anybody that had kids? no No, okay. it's ah It's a weird dynamic when so you're dating a single parent and they are co-parenting, which is what hope that they would be doing.
00:35:51
Speaker
ah This situation, though, is... No, I'm lying. Yes, I have. Okay, i was about to say. i was like, what kind red light do you have? But I was like, all right, okay, yeah. ah It's always weird when you're dating somebody who is a single parent.
00:36:05
Speaker
And they are co-parenting and how that all works when you're in the picture as well, but kind of not in the picture. And that's what this is all about. Ladies and gentlemen, this is kind of long, but an interesting story.
00:36:18
Speaker
So I'm going to let them explain it and then we're going to give our responses to it.
00:36:24
Speaker
I'm 31, my boyfriend is 32, and we've been together for two years. He was previously married and shares a 10-year-old son with his ex-wife, who is 30. For context, I hate Christmas and had a rough childhood, which I think subconsciously impacts how I feel about the situation.
00:36:38
Speaker
This year, my boyfriend, me, his ex, and her new husband all chipped in for a large Christmas gift for his son. The boy already knows what it is and knows it's from all of us. The other day, while sitting on the couch, my boyfriend suddenly said, "'Christmas morning, we're going to my ex's house to give our son his gift altogether.'" I was caught off guard and just said, okay.
00:36:56
Speaker
His ex tried to do this last year, but we declined. Since it's a big joint gift, he agreed this time. I don't want this to become a yearly tradition. I used to have a decent relationship with his ex until one of her toxic relatives falsely accused me of yelling at her son.
00:37:09
Speaker
Even after her son confirmed it never happened, she never apologized and now won't even look at me. So you can see how uncomfortable this is for me. I tried talking to my boyfriend. I told him I understood his side.
00:37:20
Speaker
He thought he was doing the right thing since we all chipped in, and he probably wanted me there for support. I know how important it is to give a child of divorce a nice Christmas. I'm a child of divorce myself, so I get how complicated co-parenting can be.
00:37:31
Speaker
Then I explained my side, that my feelings weren't considered before I was volunteered for something extremely uncomfortable, that I wish we had talked about it first, that I need my feelings to matter too, and that we need better communication before decisions are made in emotionally loaded situations. He didn't really take it in.
00:37:47
Speaker
He said, I understand it's awkward, but it would be weirder if you weren't there. You're going to have to do things around them sometimes. That's part of dating a parent. I reiterated that I understand, but I just want him to talk to me first instead of volunteering me without asking.
00:37:59
Speaker
He apologized, and that was it. I've been thinking about it ever since. I even talked to my therapist. At the core of it, I feel like he pushed my feelings aside to make his ex happy. He didn't even think to talk to me first, and honestly, i don't think his son would care.
00:38:12
Speaker
He already knows the gift is from all of us. I'm just the girlfriend, not his wife or stepmom. If it had been presented to me first, I might have been more open. If I had been considered at all, I might have been more open.
00:38:23
Speaker
But I wasn't and I don't want to go. I'm tired of hurting myself to make others happy. My therapist even told me this is something I need to work on. So, would I be wrong if I told my boyfriend I will not be attending his ex-wife's house on Christmas morning?
00:38:35
Speaker
And how do I say it gently?
00:38:39
Speaker
jay what'd you think? Yeah, you would be.
00:38:44
Speaker
You would be wrong. Here's the thing. um First of all,
00:38:53
Speaker
I don't think he's doing this to make his ex happy. I think he's doing this to make his child happy. um He wants to be there with his girlfriend of two years who chipped in on the gift to see his son open the gift, the reaction to celebrate the holiday with them.
00:39:19
Speaker
I think you're putting a lot of your own Christmas feelings in it. I think you are centering yourself in it. Whatever you got going on with his mom, listen, that's you ain't got to deal with that lady.
00:39:36
Speaker
You don't have to deal with that lady. The important thing is being there to make a good memory for this child. And if you think the child won't notice just because you're a girlfriend and not a stepmom or any of it or a wife or anything, you're you're insane. You've been in this child's life for two years.
00:39:57
Speaker
They're 10.
00:40:00
Speaker
They're 10. It's not like this is like a 17 year old and like 10. So he's known you since he was eight.
00:40:13
Speaker
Like it's a little kid. You know what I'm years between eight and 10 is an eternity for them. That's an eternity for them. That child knows you, knows who you are.
00:40:23
Speaker
If you don't come, they will notice. You shouldn't have said just okay. If you wanted to have a car First of all, when you caught off guard, why are you responding when you're caught off guard? That's something you and your therapist need to work on. Well, a lot of people do that, but also, yes, that is something that she needs to work Because if I'm caught off guard, ah my immediate answer is no.
00:40:48
Speaker
And then let me think about it. and My immediate answer is not yes. yeah You don't want to go because you don't want to deal with her. You think it's going to be awkward. You don't even like Christmas.
00:41:00
Speaker
You don't really seem to have much of a relationship with this kid. um That's why you don't want to go.
00:41:11
Speaker
Okay. You don't have... it but You're centering yourself in this. And I'm not saying that your feelings are not valid. They are. It is going to be awkward. But let me tell you something. o I don't know too many people that's tight with their partner's prior, you know, situation.
00:41:35
Speaker
I don't know anybody who is I mean, I'm sure it's out there, right? You know, I feel like the wills Will Smith's first wife and Jada get along pretty well. So I know it happens, but you know, typically it's awkward.
00:41:55
Speaker
Okay. You're just lucky you don't have to a situation where she they're still trying they're still messing with each other. Well, yeah. Okay. She's she married. She's married, yeah. He's been with you for two years. That's not the... Everybody's coming together to give a good memory for this child. If you don't want to do that, say that.
00:42:15
Speaker
But know that there's going to be consequences to that because I guarantee you for your boyfriend, his son is going to come first. Mm-hmm.
00:42:25
Speaker
So, I agree with everything that you just said. Except... She is right in one aspect. He should have talked to her yes beforehand.
00:42:37
Speaker
Yes. um Now, I don't know if she's expressed how uncomfortable it is around his baby moms. However, he should pick up how uncomfortable it is around the baby moms. And he should be like, hey, look.
00:42:55
Speaker
We've been together for two years. at At a certain point when you're in your 30s, when you've been together for a few years, you're thinking about long term.
00:43:06
Speaker
Otherwise, why the hell are you with this person? right like you After about nine months to a year, you're you should know, all right, I'm seriously considering spending the rest of my life with this person.
00:43:18
Speaker
And if you don't have that answer, This is only time I say cut it because otherwise you're just wasting time. I know people in three, four or five year relationships. And I'm like, are y'all going to married? Like, what are you doing? Like, you don't necessarily have to get married. But do you want to spend the rest of your life with this person? I don't know. That's something that you absolutely should know after a certain point in time.
00:43:39
Speaker
Probably know that. Yeah. So. He is paying attention. to this whole situation. And you're right. If the choice is between his son and her, he's gonna choose his son. The only time that she'll be chosen above her son is if he decides to make her his wife.
00:44:00
Speaker
Because I've explained it before, a lot of parents jump down at me, but this was explained to me from a parent. The most important relationship that you have is your partner.
00:44:14
Speaker
When you decide to get married, when you decide to marry some somebody, that is the most important person in your life. That doesn't mean that you choose them over your kids. It's just simply saying that's the most important person. And you need to consider their feelings and everything. Now, they're not married yet, but he still needs to consider her feelings. And if he was a good boyfriend, he would know she got a problem with Christmas.
00:44:39
Speaker
Yeah. Now, me personally, I would be like, look, babe, I know you got a problem of Christmas. We all pitched in, which, by the way, why the hell did y'all get them where four people had four grown folks had to pitch in for a 10 year old's gift? Because that's crazy. What the hell did y'all get this kid? Right.
00:44:55
Speaker
We all pitched in for this. Thank you, by the way, for pitching in. That really means a lot to me that you would pitch in for my son's gift. I know you and her got tension. But this ain't about any of that.
00:45:08
Speaker
It's about him. And he rocks with you. And he's going to be appreciative. I know you had this feeling. I think it would be great to go over there just for the morning.
00:45:20
Speaker
And then we'll have our own time just for the morning when he opens up the gift. Maybe have some breakfast and then bounce. And then... I would plan something special for us because she did that for me. That's me. yeah I'm super, super overly, as you say, too much considerate.
00:45:39
Speaker
But that's what I would do because I hate putting people in awkward situations unless I'm purposely doing it by things that I say. But this would be different. That's my only grievance that I have with what you said, is that no, she does have a legitimate claim. She should, this hat should have been discussed with her.
00:46:03
Speaker
Also, Probably she should have probably assumed that this was also going to be the case because she knew, as she stated beforehand the previous year, the mama tried to do this.
00:46:16
Speaker
The mama ain't trying to cause no ruckus. The mama is trying to give their son a happy Christmas. and and if you And and i if you think it's not going to be an annual thing,
00:46:33
Speaker
yeah it's Christmas and he's a child. He's going to want his parents there for Christmas. Yeah. And you, you knew getting with a man with a child, he has a package deal. And that includes his ex because she is the mother of that child. He is a package.
00:46:58
Speaker
Either you want to get with that package or you need to get the hell on. Right. Right. And this is something that... can't say, don't want this to be every year. That child, God willing, that child gonna be there every year. He not gonna miss the Christmas. Okay? For the rest of his life. For the rest of his life. That father is going to... It doesn't stop at 18. He's gonna be a dad. Yeah.
00:47:23
Speaker
for forever, okay? So he ain't gonna miss a day. So let just know that, yeah, it's a possibility that that will be an annual thing.
00:47:34
Speaker
Maybe sometimes you all will host them and sometimes they'll host you, but it's probably going to, they're probably going to want to both be there for their son's Christmas.
00:47:48
Speaker
And that's gonna involve you. And if that's not something that you want, That's a conversation.
00:47:57
Speaker
All of it is a conversation. Yeah. And she needs to decide with her herself personally, are you ready for something like this? Not everybody is built to be a mother.
00:48:10
Speaker
Not everybody is built to be a step parent, which is something completely different than being a parent. I'll never forget. This is a personal story. I'll never forget.
00:48:21
Speaker
i was dating a woman with kids. And I was like, the kids love me. I was like, the kids, they tell me that they love me all the time. You know, you knew my I love the kids. I just melted my little heart. I know the kids didn't love me. They ain't know me long enough to love me. But they would just be like, let you burn light when I was leaving, I was like, oh, them little kids. You know how much the kids touch my heart. Yeah. And I was cool with the daddy. Just for me personally, I was like, I'm not going cause no ruckus because like i that's their father. Like right there's no reason for there to be any type of conflict. And and unless you say something slick out your mouth that I got to check you, I'm not, I'm never going to have a problem.
00:48:58
Speaker
I'm not one them dudes that had that, that ego you used to be my woman. Yeah. My woman used to be with several people. I hope that should not deter the fact that I'm with her. I'm, I don't care.
00:49:12
Speaker
until I got around the kids with him. We were doing a whole group thing and I was really expecting kids to be like they typically were all over me and they were not.
00:49:23
Speaker
They were all over their daddy. It wasn't that I was completely invisible, but I realized in the pecking order where I stood. And a low-key little bit broke my heart, but then I was like, no, this is the position.
00:49:35
Speaker
Like, this that's their father. yeah I would only be a stepparent if I married this person. And obviously, we didn't get married, but it's like, okay. I'm the boyfriend. They like me. That's their dad. And you have to, no matter what, you have to be cool with the fact that you will always be the other person.
00:49:57
Speaker
Yeah. And that's not, no, not a lot of people was built for that. Yeah. Not a lot of people. And she got that look within herself to see, are you built or not? Right.
00:50:08
Speaker
Are you built or not? first ah On that note, Jay, what do you want to leave the people with?
00:50:17
Speaker
I don't know, i feel like I said it all. Hey, you know, just check your yard for animals. whats your dots
00:50:28
Speaker
Because I am, I cannot calm down. I am so angry. I would have let go of it. Gross, gross occurrence.
00:50:40
Speaker
I mean, he was having a ball and I was losing my mind. And then the fact that I then had to scoop it up.
00:50:52
Speaker
That's not the way I wanted to start my Sunday. Just not.
00:50:58
Speaker
So y'all got what y'all got with these reddits. which was rage. Yeah. The lady of rage. That's your, uh, no, we can't take that. That's copyrighted from the rapper. Yes. Yes. Uh, on that note, ladies and gentlemen, I want to wish you a happy holidays. Once again, to remind you that we're going to on a break, but we're coming back January the 6th, but happy holidays.
00:51:19
Speaker
I want to thank you for listening. I want to thank you for watching. And until next time, as always, I'll holler. Woo!
00:51:30
Speaker
That was a hell of a show. Thank you for rocking with us here on Unsolicited Perspectives with Bruce Anthony. Now before you go, don't forget to follow, subscribe, like, comment, and share our podcast wherever you're listening or watching it to it. Pass it along to your friends. If you enjoy it, that means the people that you rock will will enjoy it also. So share the wealth, share the knowledge, share the noise.
00:51:53
Speaker
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00:52:20
Speaker
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00:52:39
Speaker
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00:52:51
Speaker
And I'll catch you next time. Audi 5000. Peace.