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Christmas Special 2024 - Ep. 1 Kobold Kahoo
23 Plays5 days ago
The Festive season is here again and so is our 2024 Christmas special. Welcome to Part 1 of 4 covering all Fridays in December. Enjoy and MERRY CHRISTMAS.
Create your podcast today! #madeonzencastr
Follow us on our Twitters - @FellowshipTable
Intro written and produced by Joseph McDade
Music kindly provided by Fesliyan Studios
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Transcript
Welcome Back to the Zencaster Lounge
00:00:04
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are are Here, as I live and breathe, that's Nick's corral. I haven't seen you round here for years. Welcome back to the Zencaster Lounge, where podcast streams are served on the rocks. What can I get for you today, sir? Yeah, hi. I'll have a round of Zencaster, please.
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00:02:29
Speaker
Anyway, are you gonna buy that drink? That 500 gold you tiefling tit!
Introduction to the Festive Tabletop Adventure
00:03:09
Speaker
Hello, everyone, and welcome to tonight's festive episode of The Fellowship of the Tabletop. We are a live play 5e podcast set in the magical homebrew world once more of Gumpleton. It's Christmas time in Gumpleton. but This is Cobalt Kaboo, the quest to save Christmas. With me tonight, I have a series of festive players starting at the furthest reaches of the table where the Christmas light never touches. We have Callum.
00:03:37
Speaker
Is it dark around here? It starts to get progressively lighter as we head round the table to poo bear. Hello. Directly across our loving eyes of Santa Will. If you rearrange Merry Christmas or Happy Christmas you can spell crappy shit bash.
00:03:55
Speaker
Joining us once more at the middle of the table is everyone's favourite Christmas fairy. It's James. Well, I don't know how to put that, but hello. And of course, as always, the ever present, ever present, just like the spirit of Christmas, which he actually tried to pull out one year, is Ian.
00:04:13
Speaker
We're a 2024 D and&D podcast, not a 5e one. just Just putting that out there. Merry Christmas, motherfucker. Well, shit on the Christmas spirit there. Also, hi. Ian's character lasted a long time. and I know. I know. I feel like, oh, do I roll the dice? Ah, fuck it. Let's go. Merry Christmas. And the person I'm asking to do the intro from here on in out. Hello.
00:04:40
Speaker
so um Okay, so, allow me once more to set the scene for you all, listeners. One year ago, on this derry night, the holiday house on Hag Hill descended into Christmas anarchy. Unbeknownst to the heroes of Christmas of yesteryear, who were busy stopping the fiendish Hans Uber once more,
00:05:00
Speaker
In Gumpleton, Christmas of 23 was reduced to havoc by the terror of Madame Grinch, a terrible creature of mind, body, heart and maybe soul of metal.
Last Year's Christmas Chaos Recap
00:05:13
Speaker
Presents were stolen and replaced with coal. All the trains at the mountainside express were only able to go backwards. Mistletoe was replaced with itching powder and all the ale in the tavern mysteriously started to taste like salmon.
00:05:27
Speaker
Worst of all, the great Christmas tree was set ablaze. How can one Grinch do all this? I hear you will ask yourselves. How can... How can... How can... How can... How can... How can...
00:05:54
Speaker
Many thought they were such a peaceful race and had no knowledge of Christmas, so how they came to hate the festive season was such fury. Nobody knows. Though something stirred in the actions of last year, for many cobolds, their hate of Christmas grew. But not for all. Some cobolds grew to like, even love Christmas. These cobolds are special.
00:06:20
Speaker
and one cobalt stirs sat on a crazy, I sat up crazy. That's... Are you okay? Yeah, I read cosy, it's crazy. I haven't DM'd in over a year. One cobalt stirs sat on a cosy sofa in a cosy house.
00:06:38
Speaker
on Christmas Eve. And to figure out which cobalt is stirring, I am going to refer, ladies and gentlemen, to my secret Santa list in front of me. So what this is, is that every player at the table has decided a character trait or feature or something specific to their personality for another player. So when I read out a name, this will mean that that cobalt is stirring first.
00:07:05
Speaker
So first up, I've got,
Unveiling Secret Santa Traits
00:07:08
Speaker
there's no name on this one. He didn't put their name on it. He might know what year it is. He can't follow the rules of a Secret Santa.
00:07:19
Speaker
That's me. I'm fucked up i fuck up. Is it meant to be my name or the person is for? I mean, well, you know. How do we know who it's going to? Okay. Well, now I know who this one is. We're not going to start. scar you got no name i'm go Because there's quite clearly a name on it and guess what you're first up So my wall
00:07:51
Speaker
To those who can't see is and an entire essay in front of me. At the bottom it says Merry Christmas, bitch. do we Are we to hear about this? okay yes Yes, I think we hear. So, due to a chaotic Christmas upbringing, you have undergone phenomenal psychological stress in your younger years around this festive season. Your psyche has split into six distinct personalities. oh yeah Each psyche involves a complete change of accent, and you need four gold. On the mention of a specific word, you must roll a d6 for a new personality trait and accent. I have suggested some below to help, but you can use your own if you wish. You are not allowed to say this word. If you do, take one d6 for physical cool damage. Psychic damage. This this has got... It's called a mark. There
Characters Showcase Their Unique Traits
00:08:47
Speaker
we go. We don't know who got Ian in Secret Santa, but whoever it did, well, though. So,
00:08:57
Speaker
so so my range of accents, given the cold that is running through my system, will be interesting, but I'm up for the challenge. Bring it on. Whoever did it. Thank you very much.
00:09:12
Speaker
And you stir on a sofa near a roaring fire. Directly across from you appears to be an armchair where another cobalt sleeps. We'll come to that cobalt shortly. Directly to your left, as I said before, is a roaring fire. Curiously, just off from that, there appears to be what looks like some kind of large glass contraption where the glass appears to have been smashed and there's some form of liquid on the floor. Going around the corner of the room that you can smell the faint over Overbearing smells of rich Christmas food as it's being prepared. You can smell turkey in the oven. You can smell chestnuts that appear to be roasting upon the fire just just down back from the kitchen. A large Christmas tree sits behind the armchair that is directly in front of you. The room seems to go around the corner where the kitchen is and you can't specifically see what is back there.
00:10:07
Speaker
As you wake, you notice another cobalt across from your sleep. What do you want to do?
00:10:17
Speaker
a So I will wake up and casually walk over to the old cobalt and punch it in its dick.
00:10:32
Speaker
i know that was i likech yeah As you go over to punch this kobold in the dick, you notice that you're holding a letter and that this kobold also appears to be sleeping, cradling this letter. As you walk up and punch this kobold in the dick, I'll tell you who... ah who qua up you fuckingkin t ha and that one also doesn't have a name on it so good good following of the brief uh this didn't tell us names on these things uh this one does this one does if you could pass that down to will oh it might be it might be the other will no kind of surname it's definitely that um
00:11:10
Speaker
I'm glad because I didn't put a surname and it didn't occur to me till now. There's two wills. Don't give her away. It might be you. Can I read this out? I said those? Yeah, you've just been punched in the dick. Okay. It says, you become unquestionably aggressive when you see or hear about food. Hungry, but with rage. When in this mode, you must say you jingle this.
00:11:34
Speaker
And gesture to your penis as often as possible. It stops when you have been fed. What was the specific trigger? See or hear? ah so See or hear about food. Okay, fab. Not smelling. And also as well, can you roll to hit please? Do you need to click create on your character? Have you done that? I say I don't think he has it. I haven't created my character yet, but I'm just gonna roll for it. That's a 13.
00:12:04
Speaker
Okay, do you have an armor class yet? I don't have an armor class. We'll assume it hits. We'll assume you don't have a strength modifier, so we'll say that you do one point of damage whenever you come to. So you get punched in the dick and you you come to and find this kobold stood in front of you. Again, clutching a letter similar to the one that you also have about your person. Okay, excellent. And and the thing that you would notice before punching him in the dick is this is an incredibly aged kobold.
00:12:30
Speaker
There are wrinkles for days. Because my fish just get lost. But he's got no teeth either. It's just like an aged... he's He's kind of curled up around this letter, but it's more because he's with age grown into a hoop more than if anything else. As you punch him in the neck, you're like, what are you doing it for? We got these fucking ledges to eat.
00:13:00
Speaker
Yeah, you got one of these letters. So have I. Does it tell you to punch me in a dick? No, that was for me. really oh yeah oh I can't fucking read, so you're going to have to read it for me. Oh, where are my glasses? Right, all done. And the couple will search about his person um for a blade of glass and just hold it up kind of shakingly in front of his face. Is it delicious ever reading this thing?
00:13:32
Speaker
Okay, yeah as you do that and you go to read the letter, you hear a rustling behind you and you notice that there appears to be a stocking over the what looks like the sink in the kitchen. you can just As you glance around, you can hear the rustling and this this this stocking is just rocking from side to side. um There is a cobold inside it. Did any of you actually read the brief? Oh, that one does have a name on it. There you go.
00:13:59
Speaker
The priest did not say by the name of the sish. So, James, you're rocking about. How else would you give a present? How would you give a present for something if you didn't write a name on it? Yeah, that was my bad. I was totally my bad. Darren knew when I handed it to him, Darren knew that was mine. and He'd write, right, I know who this is going to be. And James, yeah, you're wrong. You're the stocking that you're in is just rocking around above this Christmas.
00:14:18
Speaker
ah ah festively ordained kitchen top. um As you come to, can you first of all, before we do anything, read your secret Santa instruction please. So my secret Santa instruction is that I am under the belief that I'm the main character in the pantomime. That is brilliant. That is brilliant.
00:14:41
Speaker
Oh, no, you're not. The other thing is, can you, I don't know if you have a class yet, but can you make a strength or dexterity saving break, please? I don't have a class yet either. We'll just take the D20 as it rolls. 13. 13. That's enough. It was a DC at 12. Your head pops out the top of this stocking, and you both realise that you look over to your shoulder. So what we mean is you look over to over your shoulder, you've noticed this cobalt head just appeared from this stocking.
00:15:10
Speaker
Hello boys and girls!
00:15:14
Speaker
ah what I seem to be in some kind of predicament. Could someone give me a Clearly it looks like you need a hand. And I kind of walk over and...
00:15:38
Speaker
push my hands in your sack? likea what would Is that where we're going with this? um Yeah, as you lift up, you feel this cobalt s sack. As you start to push up, you feel something hard and and you realize very quickly that it's the tail. And as you as you push and push and push and push and push, eventually this cobalt is just going to tumble over and boom land on the kitchen table.
00:16:05
Speaker
What do we see, James? Pretty typical cobalt, probably on the younger side in comparison to one of our other particular cobalt in the group. He's got a tiny little well-kept shirt and vest. He might be wearing makeup and glitter where his cheeks would be and the amount of tiny little tuft of fur on top of his head is nicely set back.
00:16:31
Speaker
Oh, you got your hands on my pig and blanket right there. well Oh, no, I don't. ah He does that a lot. He had mine and all. What do you think, boys and girls? He turns around, there's nobody there.
00:16:47
Speaker
You do notice as you do that though, out of your top pocket just for a letter, same as what these two have.
Embracing Comedic Role-Play Challenges
00:16:54
Speaker
Well how's that for something, a letter? Just like these two. I wonder what it says. It's amazing.
00:17:02
Speaker
And yeah, as two of you have now collected... That's very good. Gestured towards... Very good. Two of you have gestured towards the letter. I'll read you what it says. It says, Hope, hope, hope. Wake up, little one. It's time to save Christmas. Bollocks. Find you in the town square. Santa. ah What's the word? I think I know what it is. I think you have an idea.
00:17:27
Speaker
the ends and just roll the dice by the Yeah. Yeah. Yep. Yep. Yep. So cause of my secret Santa every time I hear a specific buzzword, which I'll probably fuck that up. Everyone knows what it is now. Um, I have to roll and, and now my schizophrenic traits come into play and I have to change who I am.
00:17:48
Speaker
You're going to lose track of your personality now. I haven't even rolled the fucking character yet. It's worth noting, have you come over as well, Will? Are you over near the Stop King as well? Yeah, it'll shuffle off. Yeah, you can see the food that is being prepared for the following morning. Oh, bingo list! And he's going to grab his tip.
00:18:08
Speaker
Just shake it up and down. Go, clear my fucking
00:18:27
Speaker
i don't know what's happening anymore yeah umm in your eyes with the fact you're hiding your teeth that ah disturb big thing Oh my. Okay. As this, as, as, as a pantomime chobalt in schizophrenia cobalt, as you watch ravenously hungry cobalt go over and start devouring this food, something magical happens. Someone's coming down the chimney, soot lands onto the fire below, and all of a sudden you hear what you hoped would be in the sound of Santa, but instead it's the sound of a screaming cobalt. Have we explained that we've written these character traits for each other? We gave them to Darren um beforehand. We've already explained that. but i I am pained up on killers and painkillers, so I'm um i'm not here. I'm high. I'm high as fuck right now. Be passed down to poo bear, please. Boo boo poo bear. I hope we get a scream. okay What is it? What does it say? this decide It's really interesting for a podcast to not hear it.
00:19:34
Speaker
you do Can you read and can you read on and to speak at the same time? I'll keep it. Among the cobalt, yours is tailed most grim. After an event in your youth involving tasty treats, a nice lady in the woods, fiery conclusion. You treat all pieces of furniture, walls, doors and all household items, likely a made of gingerbread and candy.
00:20:00
Speaker
Give me that on again, sorry. everything that You treat all pieces of furniture, walls, doors, and all household items like they are made of gingerbread and candy. Okay, yeah. Go lick the door knob. As you plop down onto this fire, you extinguish the fire and you immediately see in front of you two cobolds. You can hear the ravenous sounds of another cobold eating something ah off off to the others off to your left. And in front of you is a nicely furnished living room.
00:20:30
Speaker
Hey now, you're not Santa. Oh wow. Oh my goodness. I need to start licking the safe edge.
00:20:40
Speaker
How's that happening? Well, can you make a constitution saving bro, please? Oh, it's a six. Yeah, and all of a sudden you hear the sound of one of these cobalt just throwing up while they're just furiously confused. This sofa's really nice if you want some of this! OK, and as that happens, all of a sudden, ah you hear the sound of, again, someone else coming down the chimney and you realise you weren't alone in the chimney shaft, and another cobalt falls down. Don't they, Mark? OK, yeah, ignore personal boundaries.
00:21:17
Speaker
Loves to hug, touch, include people's personal space. and Okay. And as he slams down, covered in soot, I imagine, getting the fire, ah we'll instantly walk out. And without saying anything, without looking around, we'll just walk up and then start hugging the back of Puber's cobold and just like nuzzling in with his nose into his, it's just like a sooty mess of, ah where'd you go? Where'd you Thank you, And
00:21:50
Speaker
ah ah Oh, isn't this lovely, everyone? Chestnuts roasting on an open fire. Oh, jingle this! Jingle this!
00:22:03
Speaker
We're never leaving this room. but We've still got one cobalt again! At the top of the Christmas tree, the Christmas angel is actually in disguise. It is not an angel at all. You realise that hidden beneath the angel's angelic frock and its beautiful halo is in fact a cobalt. Callum!
00:22:38
Speaker
Okay, yeah. read and Every time the word Christmas is mentioned, on talking out you have the impulse to be musical. And you must sing Jingle Bells.
00:22:55
Speaker
See the most triggered group of cokes. Oh god. So, this kobold is going to peek his head out from under the frock of the angel, look around at all the chaos of food being eaten and thrown back up, deep embraces, and it just kind of, kind of, swarmly crawl down the tree. And as he gets to the bottom, you kind of see he's still got a star on his head, and he's kind of got a sash wrapped around him with tinsel. He's kind of picked up some decorations from the tree as he's gone down. Can you make an acrobatics check as you make your way down the tree? I can!
00:23:33
Speaker
six. hope This cobalt starts to climb down the tree and then all of a sudden you just hear this out da out po po bow bu as you fall and smash a couple of Christmas presents that are at the bottom of the
Kobold Characters and Christmas Chaos
00:23:47
Speaker
tree. A small train just starts to move out crumpled as if what almost triggered on its own and just starts to drive around the room dragging its broken carcass behind it.
00:23:57
Speaker
And what appeared to be quite a nice Christmas cake that was clearly put under the tree for the morning has just been completely smashed and you are now covered in Christmas cake. My cobalt covered in ash is going to approach. I like to think you're face down and it's going to reach at the waistband of your and then lift it open. Have you done a poo? He's going to put his hand in and around your butt crack. And then look at his, smell his fingers. Nothing there, nothing there. I'm just gonna lay down next to you. Fire. Hello. Want to kiss? Yeah? Don't think I know you well enough. What's your name? Crinkle. Crinkle. I think you've got, I think you've got cake on your face.
00:24:45
Speaker
oh And Mike Hovold comes along and just takes a finger and just wipes it down your cheek and like, oh, you found a great staff. This is a very friendly group. Oh, I just realized how similar our voices are. Well, that's good, isn't it? Well, it's great for all friends to come around Christmas.
00:25:07
Speaker
Oh God, I have to hear the voice now. Oh God, I've lost it. Come on, we can do it. I love it when you sing. I sung? I know, I loved it.
00:25:23
Speaker
As you say that, the television blurs onto life and it goes, Madam Grinch is here. Hello. Who is Madam Grinch? Oh, it's the villain of the story, children. Let's hear some booze.
00:25:38
Speaker
If you see her run tell an adult find find the mayor's secret special force who was designed to take down madam Grinch and her army of smelly dong disgusting dong evil dong cobolds and all of a sudden what appears on tv are the image of five cobolds can you all make wisdom saving throws please
00:26:08
Speaker
No.
00:26:14
Speaker
Two. Two. Fifteen. Fifteen. Twelve. Twelve. Four. Also four. Four. Natural one. Natural one. So, what did you roll the gun, James? A four. Okay, you have some Mark James, poo bear.
00:26:29
Speaker
i Ian, what did you roll? Two. I got 12. You're okay. ah You all think it's a mirror. You look at this TV and you were convinced it is you in the TV. I'm on TV! Oh, to kiss myself. Absolutely right that I should be on the TV. I'm on TV! Oh, Christmas time! It's very special for me. I like being on TV. The mirror's not working that well. I keep moving, but then I'm not moving.
00:26:56
Speaker
Your voice is funny. I thought it was something different just now. I lost my accent, basically, when I realized I had to sing Jingle Bells. I was going to say, do you also suffer from ah voice problems? Yes. Does your mummy love you? No. Oh, I love you. I'm sure everybody loves you, especially around this time of year at Christmas. It's a wonderful time. Jingle bell, jingle all the way.
00:27:24
Speaker
Well, I was hoping I've got the bloody lyrics now. As you sing that something happens, the star on the Christmas tree just starts to turn and comes to life and all of you just look up at it and you hear a word in your mind, a word that you can't decipher, but it begins with A and ends with A. But what you feel compelled to do is just listen to a voice inside you that says,
00:27:51
Speaker
you don't like Christmas, you don't like Christmas, follow me, follow me. Eventually it passes though and you will remember the man with the red beard, not the map the man with the red suit with the white beard and you remember what he told you about saving Christmas and you fight that instinct that tells you that you hate it and then you all of a sudden Remember the letter that you all have. All of you have the same letter and it comes back to you. That you're not here to destroy Christmas like the other Cobolds. You know that you're here to save it. Ooh. Oh, ah bloody hell. We're not 84. Oh, no. Crikey!
00:28:44
Speaker
It is me thinking you have to sing every time that word is mentioned. Are you talking about the word Christmas? Jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle all the way. Oh, it's okay. Shushing through the snow in the one-horse open sleigh. I'll quit, I'll quit. Shall we all just take our trousers off and share go?
00:29:09
Speaker
I think it's the best way to make friends. Please! I'm not in front of these children. I don't even know your names. Oh, well how about we go around the group and introduce our names, star sign, favorite position and maybe things we like to eat, you know, how we were born, um, our worst death, you know, it's just the usual stuff. Let's start with you. Um, uh, Australian. Australian? Dick Van Dyke over there. I want to know or to know all about you, or all of you, all the different bits of you. Right, hello, my name is Fig Firefoot. Hello, Fig. I don't know too much about myself yet because I've yet to roll my character. How many teeth have you got? um I've got all my teeth. How many is that? All 16. 16. Knocking behind you.
00:30:03
Speaker
yeah
00:30:06
Speaker
I'd like to think that I'm a little bit taller than your average goalball, younger, with a shock of blonde hair at the moment, and it it looks like he likes to surf, but that could change on a dime.
00:30:23
Speaker
it's change coffee and kind
00:30:30
Speaker
You might not know where I am from time to time because I don't know where I am most of the time. um ah but What's your favorite thing to do at Christmas?
00:30:44
Speaker
but didn't go and the world Will I like spending time with my family at Christmas like we all do? group four I gotta take one b six a psychic that but take five points of psychic damage! I don't know what my HP is yet!
00:31:13
Speaker
ah I do. You're okay.
00:31:18
Speaker
And you old man, when was your birthday and who was there at your birth? Oh, it was quite a long time ago, actually. What I would give for 16 teeth, I tell you, I take them out of your place and put them in my own, I think. But my name is Cripp Stingle.
00:31:33
Speaker
and Yeah, and I ah think that I'm here to save the day really because I just had this brain thing, this kind of corpse in my head. ah And um I think I've got a letter here. I've not read it yet. I was about to, but then someone popped out of a bag and down the chimney and up the tree up there. ah But yeah, that's me. We're just going round the circle. Well, one final question, if you don't mind. How often do you poo just out of curiosity?
00:32:03
Speaker
Oh, it just drips out now. ah so with well I much control anymore. But would you say your drips are quite regular? Quite regular. you're Speaking of regular drips, um ah you I thought we had the same voice and now we don't. No, now we don't. if You were just making fun of me, but I i will still love you. Okay. What's your day? Do you need a hug?
00:32:31
Speaker
Of course, I always want a hug, but a question really becomes, what is your name though? ah Crinkle tinsel. greatled great That's very Christmassy. Fuck. Why are you doing that? Doing what? We need to Is there not more than you on the same one?
00:32:52
Speaker
oh My lead of this, okay. you see You're doing a good job. You look like you're looking for sofa. um Is it tasty? Yes, this is very nice. It's a very nice tasty piece of sofa. It's very Christmas sofa. Do you often... think madam goes all the way and how often island it is to ride in a wildhoer sla ah How often do you question yeah your mortality?
00:33:20
Speaker
Um, well, most mornings really, sometimes in the afternoon if I really dike to. Do you believe in God? Who's God? That answers that. What's your name anyway? My name's Slivney.
00:33:32
Speaker
Pardon? Sniffy! Fucking S's on a microphone! Sniffy! Sniff!
00:33:56
Speaker
see it is twitching every time And I'm doing a great job with my own. Well, I was at the chimney because that's what the big man at Christmas does. Yeah, he does. Jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle all the way. Every time that word gets mentioned, you see ah Fig Firefoot, his appearance just changes on a dime. Like in a in a puff of smoke, he goes from this blonde haired surfer looking dude. And right now he's got...
00:34:27
Speaker
I love that you hasn't read all of these yet he's reading them when they come up. Right now he's got like these features of a dragonborn but it's all like a a really bad cosplay costume but it's just materialized on him. I don't know how I'm gonna do that. Honest to god.
00:34:47
Speaker
um that here There was only one answer, right? This fucking Christmas trade. Oh, fuck! dode let's our funnel on house open slow 1d6 psychic damage. I rolled a one. point that You're still up. ah stop oh You, the looking looking into the wall and pretending ah
Misunderstandings and Quirks Continue
00:35:16
Speaker
dancing. Are you okay? Well... Do you want a hug? I am more of an okay, but you're supposed to ask my name, aren't you? of What's your name? Well, if everyone repeats after me, it's Fleek Dandy Tip. Fleek Dandy Tip. Dandy Tip? What? oh Okay. Are you all right? I'm more of an okay. Who are you looking at? That's just a painting of a very old grizzled bear.
00:35:45
Speaker
Well, anyone's allowed in this picture at any time during Christmas. sales we are laughing all the way well Surfer dudes back in a flash. Bloody go and bloody save Christmas there.
00:36:08
Speaker
ah You've gone... So in a flash, I've gone from someone dressed in very high military gear. Almost Russian. Back to the cosplay Drago. Just to check which word we can we can't say.
00:36:28
Speaker
Well, I guess, yes. Oh, God. Okay, and again, and a flash. Surfer dude is back. I think that that's a word that, when it's mentioned, something happens to these two, I don't quite understand. But anyway, I'm like, why have everyone else got one of these letters? Are there more specials going on? Oh, I've got one too. No, I've got one as well. I believe all of us do. Has anybody seen my wallaby? What? What's a wallaby? No.
00:36:58
Speaker
I'm going to read this fucking letter now. I thought we were already ready. Did we? Yeah, I thought we were already ready. You read it before we were... Yes, it said, Ho, ho, ho, Merry Christmas. Are those... ah forgot on and look yeah yeah Oh, Oh.
00:37:14
Speaker
What it said, you can all read it without saying it. I'm going to read it out loud. Okay, wake up little one. Time to save Christmas. Time to save Christmas. I'll find you in the town square. I'll find you in the town square. Santa. Santa! Ho, ho, ho. I added a ho, ho, ho. Well, that's bloody good. Where the fuck are we? Let's save Christmas. Oh, you said it again. Oh, shit.
00:37:40
Speaker
<unk> and on house happenssla Are we all friends in? his Do I know you? We're friends now! We're all bonded by Christmas! Right, let's bloody leave this bloody hoe. Hobnosh is gonna look around and try and find... Do you need a hug, friends? Okay, can you make a perception check, please? That's a seven. Okay, yeah, you glance around.
00:38:10
Speaker
And you don't really know where to go. Everything looks pretty normal in Christmas Eve. There is a door. and Upon trying it, I'll just expediate this and say that it is locked. So you're going to have to find a key to get out or find another way out. You are, however, drawn to the north-western corner of this room where the ah smashed big glass container is and the liquid that's on the floor around it. bloody george Oh, I'm i'm sorry. Is that door locked?
00:38:37
Speaker
You need a lock pick to unlock that one as um the character changes in front of you and it is someone dressed in a Christmas t-shirt and a Santa hat on, but he's got this D and&D players rule book in front of him. Yeah,
00:38:55
Speaker
yeah according to this book, you you could do a lock pick, we could make a check on that. Is this like fantasy, like Ian if you knew the rules of D&D? I cast a spell that is it doesn't work the way I want to. I've voiced that spell. oh know hello But there's got to be something around here because usually the DM would allow us an escape. What's a DM? Maybe that's ah another word for a door. I guess for you it's a god manipulating your every thought and actions. But he didn't believe it. He said he didn't know god.
00:39:30
Speaker
This is becoming very meta. I'm going to go over to the glass smash case and lick the liquid. Yeah. Okay. As you lick the liquid, you feel revitalized as if like, if you needed healing, this would, this would, I feel so revitalized. Did that, did did you feel healed from that? I didn't take any damage. That's wonderful. Cause I have, I'm going to.
00:39:53
Speaker
so i'm I've taken I've taken six I've taken six points of psychic damage I'm going to think of a glass of chard! I have it! It's my juice! What's your character probably going to put there? Sniffly! Sniffly! Sniffly! Was that tasty? You really could! He's going to put his finger in your mouth! Oh yeah! Oh yeah! Oh yeah! Oh yeah! I could taste that and I could taste some turkey I think. I could eat all these! And Whips is going to hold onto his dong and charge head first at the door. Oh no! Head first!
00:40:30
Speaker
va a strike check i'm so happy we're all getting too long a bomb can you can you roll a default place yes again even to still where yours ahload the hole it's one one point the blooding damage blood as well I'm gonna take a sip of the water.
00:40:52
Speaker
Yep. I'm just going to sidestep you and go, yeah, I see your character traits and it's not going to work on me. Take a drink of the water. This time of year, we should all be sharing in the Christmas joy. As if you were talking about helping making spirits bright.
00:41:11
Speaker
I still want to take a fucking and drink of that water. As a this is the image that you see in front of you is, um, give me someone that looks Irish. Colin Farrell! Colin Farrell! Colin Farrell! Looks very similar to the last character actually. Aww, thank you. It's just... No, Darrow Brien.
00:41:36
Speaker
He's got a fucking chalet lee and he looks... He's got a green beret on and green shorts on. He looks a bit like um from the WWE. Finley. Fit Finley. Hornswoggle! Yes! There we go.
00:41:51
Speaker
Cass, can I take a drink of this fine fucking water? You can, but D&D stuff and this podcast, how crass. Can you roll four D8, please? Oh, fuck. Four D8. Yeah. Damn it. You shouldn't have enough D8s. I don't know what a D8 looks like. It's like a diamond on a diamond. That one. That one four times.
00:42:16
Speaker
de degree grab a drink listen twenty four you heal twenty four hit points spot me come out you' back up to fall but yeah thank you And yeah as you approach this pod though, you do notice there are scatters of papers around it in what appear to be really weird drawings of of of of large figures that you can't quite make out of Christmas and there appears to be words like Grinch and star and follow the star and celestial and then this word that you can't make out that begins with a and ends with a and something about memories and something about multiversal travel like these papers that they just have big headings on them that say these things.
00:42:58
Speaker
and So fuckers as this sea flight says there's there's something very strange about this corner of the room and those of you who are over there, so that's Mark, Will and Ian, can you all roll perception please? With no stats, of course. after Just a straight to 20. I rolled a 10. I rolled a 3. I was too busy writing down character traits. That's a 4. Okay, who who got the 10?
00:43:27
Speaker
I hope no Scobble Grabber did.
00:43:31
Speaker
yeah there's no It's hard to tell what's happened, but there's no glass inside the pods. All the glass is scattered around the outside. ah Bloody hell. Let's just build the glass on the outside, none of it on the inside. That's bloody mysterious, isn't it?
00:43:46
Speaker
i dare say we have a mystery to solve who yeah for the dog could i smell your breath okay ah
00:44:00
Speaker
disfaing great thank you ah Where do we fucking go?
00:44:08
Speaker
someone look Someone say the word. I like this voice, let's keep it. Can I look around for it? We should find a key for the door because I think the old one is hurt his dingle. Yeah, we just need to use our heads, I think. I want to hit the door with our heads.
00:44:27
Speaker
Oh, I tried that. Bloody hell. Can I search for a key, please? You can. Do you want the wrong investigation? May I aid him? No, you can roll again with the varnish. Thank you very much. You start looking for keys and you are inclined to go and look towards near the Christmas stocking so you can see three of them on the line and then hanging on the fourth nail is a big ring, the series of keys on it.
00:44:57
Speaker
okay i grabbed a big ring of keys and start like licking them as i walk over as well as you do that you notice that just around the room is a dining table with a foot of stairs and just appearing at the foot of stairs is a sleepy-eyed small halfling girl who just appears to come into the room clutching her teddy bear and just goes uncle bee that's That's fucking creepy. yeah And she goes, is it time for Christmas? And shes you Santa? She just rubs her eyes. She hasn't. she's She still seems half asleep and is coming into the room. Fuck it. We should knock her out. And she's seen you all her eyes open and she screams.
00:45:41
Speaker
Shut up. start trying keys in the in that door. Quickly, get us out of here. Okay. Are you the fairy godmother? but She's gone. Try that one. Try that one.
00:46:02
Speaker
I'm trying that one! And you're trying the keys. you Can you roll... I suppose it's investigation again to try and find the right key. For fuck's sake, can I have the keys if this doesn't work? This one tastes nice. This one's an eight. Yep, you're struggling. You're going through the keys. Stop licking them then, put them in the lock. No, that's it. I'm gonna kick the door down.
00:46:21
Speaker
I want to make a strength check then. So it's just all straight D20s at the minute. It's only Henry. chap but it's all On the one, on the two, on the three. Master 13. Okay, boom. The door ruddles, but doesn't seem... I'm going to kick it again. I'd like to keep trying to track this. Okay, yeah, roll investigation again. I'm going to use my head!
00:46:42
Speaker
but That's a five. Five. Boom. And this time you've stud your toe. Sixteen. Sixteen. Yeah, as you're looking to find the keys, you think you find the right one and all of a sudden none of you have noticed in the fury of this, the sound of steps, footsteps coming down the stairs, bigger steps. And and you all of a sudden you hear what sounds like a click. Everyone roll perception.
00:47:04
Speaker
I could perceive you. I got a 12. I got I got an 18. Boys and girls after me, I'm natural 20. He perceives you. I was calling that a true one. um You see a woman, those of you who rolled above 18, you see a woman. and All of you see the woman, but what you see in the hands is what appears to be some kind of weird contraption. But those of you who've rolled quite high, you notice that sound of a click to be a rifle, a shotgun, in specific instances. You hear a woman go,
00:47:42
Speaker
Yeah, we're trying to. Can you help us? Um, and she's just gonna- God love her! She's gonna- if the door opens, she's just gonna take a shot. And she's- she's screaming, SCARIBALD! She rolled the sixth, which is going to miss all of you, but, poing, as she shoots at you, she's going to shoot the fireplace, missing you. Yeah, actually, can we borrow this? And... I'm going to go over to her and take the shotgun from her hands. Yeah, yeah, yeah, I'll cut the other end, I'll cut the other end, OK? I didn't expect this to be fine. Cut the other shot, I've got it. OK, everyone roll initiative. Not in front of them, though, they don't do it in front in front of the child. Do the child as well!
00:48:23
Speaker
I got still on on character don't we have no character didn't expect this to happen. Depends on what fucking part of me I am. Okay right anyone 20 plus.
00:48:40
Speaker
19. That's not 20. That's not 20. That's rather maths. That's one of a crit. That is one of a crit. I hope I get to shoot you in the face of a shock.
00:48:53
Speaker
And he won above 15. A Hognosh gobble grabber got 16. And he won above 10. 11 for Kripsdingle. Krips! And he won above 5. I got 5. And I'll 7.
00:49:10
Speaker
And Fleek Dandy Tip got a free Dandy Tip. and Gross. So, Drago Cobold, you're first up. Droobold. Droobold Droobold.
00:49:26
Speaker
oh
00:49:30
Speaker
I'm gonna walk up to her and steal the shotgun. okay Just rip it out of her hands. Make a contested athletics check, please. So it's just your d20 versus her d20. That's a fucking 16, dude. She got a 9. You rip the shotgun away from her. Okay, and I'll see you later. Thank you very much. And then I'll turn around and walk out.
00:49:49
Speaker
Okay. and Fabulous. you You start to make your way towards the door. and She is going to instead get a frying pan and she's now going to run at the nearest cobalt that she can see, which won't be you because you'd moved away. It'll probably be mine because i've got I've gone up to help him. Well, I've gone to roll it around on me, but well volunteered.
00:50:09
Speaker
She's going to just run up to you and try and hit you with a frying clam. How often do you make dinner for your kids? You don't have an armor class yet, do you? It'll be 10 then. it's 10. Okay, yeah, you get hit round the head with a frying clam. That's a 10 on this. It's an improvised weapon and I'm not going to say she has the feet for this. I'm just going to do it straight you before you take two points of bludgeoning damage and she hits you round the head with a frying pan. Oh, bloody hell. That hurt. Have you ever been hurt by my family? She'll scream. That's the end of her turn.
00:50:39
Speaker
i you tell you that yeah
00:50:49
Speaker
I'm just see the old lady any bonus actions actually. What about the child? Isn't in the initiative is hiding upstairs. ah Well it was a very bloody Christmas Eve, was it? ah She's going to... Oh yes, that's into this. no He's going to bite her ankles. Probably bite your bloody ankles off. That's a 13. Yeah, that hits. Her AC's the same as yours. What is a just it? four george Just Yeah you bite this old lady. 3 points of piercing damage. You taste like turkey.
00:51:29
Speaker
that He primed everyone for that of your turn. and Will. Yeah, Crips is going to grab his nuts and go... And he's going to charge with anger in his eyes at the lady and gum her other ankle. relative disadvantage. Jingle this, jingle this. Eight. Yeah, that misses. You're able to get your mouth round. Woof. This gummy kind of, oh. Sloppy. Sloppy. We make eye contact though. Merry Christmas listeners. You've got a month of this. We're not the door yet.
00:52:15
Speaker
and will see job I'm going to charge two. You've got to sing Jingle Bells first, because I've just had Christmas in the same six seconds. Who did? When did? I did in my turn. I've already done it. Does that burn your reaction then? I will burn my reaction to sing Jingle Bells.
00:52:34
Speaker
um and He's going to sing that as he's running towards the woman. He's going to kind of try and jump on one of the cobalt that died at the bottom of this woman and just kind of headbutted in the stomach. they roll the hair We're not evil, are we? We're the bad guys. Hey, that misses. that's Merry Christmas. Oh, no! You say that, you're not the character. And what you do is if you guys straighten over the two of a kobob, you miss her and you just dong into the kitchen table and fall down. OK, how many psychic points of damage did you take? Five.
00:53:14
Speaker
the ah Brilliant. Okay, that's the end of Callum's turn. Who there? Can I open the door? yeah Yes. I open the door. I think we should go and save Christmas. And then I'm coming to open the door and go out. yeah you yeah but Thank you. Yeah, you're gone. and and panto main a Panto main character James, last but no means least. Seeing all the ca football we're going, he goes, don't worry, my friends, I'll help you. And then he'll walk forward and do an intentional pratfall as he pretends to slip and fall on his back. Whoa!
00:53:53
Speaker
if tumble make a performance check you're a brilliant ten well played um yeah the other kobolds in the room feel compelled to clap as you make this fall you also get heroic inspiration yeah and Okay, at top of the round, whatever type of cobalt is currently helping. Okay, so it's back to Meta Ian, so the Christmas t-shirts are Christmas hat. I'm not really sure a shotgun goes with this character build. ah However, clearly the plot is taking me outside, so I'm going to follow... What's your character? Snivelly! I'm going to follow Snivelly.
00:54:39
Speaker
out the door Yes, yeah you go i don't know my I don't know my movement yet. yeah I mean, you'll feel you you can make it out, you can make it out of the door, so you're all good. While I am in meta Ian mode, just for the listeners point of view, we are still, some of us, waiting to create our characters. If you're wondering why there's some confusion as to why you don't know your armor class, it's just because we're doing a random roll of character when the DM permits, of course, after this clusterfuck. But yes, that's that's why we are how we are.
00:55:08
Speaker
OK, I'd like to think that he says that kind of thing. Yeah, yeah, no, this is full on. Yeah, Paul is his little bestie. This is absolutely so everything I just said verbatim is what's being said in this scene.
00:55:21
Speaker
yeah oh He's going to be doing this till he's 90. I'm going to remove a that Cobalt, Ian, and Sniveling from... Snivny? Snivelly. You keep changing it. every It's like you're sneezing. It's the old lady chat. She's going to try and grab the Cobalt that's currently hurting her, which is you, and she's going to try and grapple you. ah She robbed a five, so she's not going to manage. She's going to confront it. It's done new rules. It's a saving throw in the contest. Oh, right.
Preparing for the Christmas Tree Event
00:55:53
Speaker
uh so it's going to be like a ah dc of like 10 or something there's an actual strength saving throw on your part and the dc is based on her strength yeah to which we do not know what either of those are she's got hold of you yeah and she picks you up and just goes get out and she's gonna lob you towards the door I appreciated a little doctor. She rolled a 19, which is one off a crit. So you are just going to perfectly go out the door. Just as I like to think this is happening. So you actually go over Ian's head as he's basically emoting. She definitely just got one off a crit. Okay, so I'm going to take you out of here so she does opt you out the door. Actually I'm not, because you might want to come back in. Why am I allowing this? When it's your turn? Right, I'm still doing my nos job on the angle. have you have him in the new york don
00:56:49
Speaker
Jingle this bitch! And I'll kind of let go of her still grabbing my nuts and go sprinting out the door as much as an old man can sprint out, an old old man Cobalt can sprint out of a door. It's one of those little animals. She's going to take a reaction, the opportunity to try and hit you with the frying pan. She only rolls a nine. So, yeah, she goes to swing and misses you with this frying pan as you're making your way out. That leaves still in the room. Conveniently, Callum, who is next and James, but Callum is next.
00:57:19
Speaker
um Quinkle's gonna rub in his head um ah from bashing it onto the table, look up, see everybody go, oh, baubles. And just try and follow everybody out the door, a little sprint as much as what his little cobalt legs can do. Yes, you can't use a reaction to try and hit you. She's already done that to try and hit Will. So and yeah, you make it out. and You make it out. Okay. and One man panto, it's just you and the old lady.
00:57:48
Speaker
Well, it's time to move on to the next scene. Everyone take a break. Go for a little tinkle if you need to. I'll see you in the next act. Come on, fairy godmother. All right, darling, let's be on our way. And he's going to leave as well. Yeah. And you make your way into the cold, crisp streets of Gumpleton. Christmas trees are glistening in every window. Lights adorn every archway at every home. Rooftops have the soft,
00:58:19
Speaker
bellowing smooth texture of smoke coming out of them. This is a scene to make anyone feel festive. And you can hear, in fact you can see people who haven't seen to notice you as you appear to be down this side alleyway and one of the house is tucked down there. People appear to be rushing on their way in in in in one direction. What do you all want to do?
00:58:45
Speaker
What happened to the square? I'm going out, so I'm going to look for the square coming out first. Yeah, as you go to the end of the alleyway, you peer round and you can clearly see the big Christmas tree of Gumpleton that has been remade this past year. and As you come to it as well, you can hear the crackling of what sounds like a Tamoy, the PA, a and everyone appears to be gathered around a stage as if some form of event is about to start.
00:59:11
Speaker
I'd suggest that we all stay together because some event is about to start and this is obviously gonna tie in nicely to the plot point so I want everyone here to get ready to take some notes because this will carry on for the next probably three episodes. What's the weirdest thing you've eaten?
00:59:35
Speaker
No, I keep forgetting about that one. is If anyone's not following Snivel or Snivel, have you for Snivel-y? Yeah, Snivel-y. Um, I'm going towards the, the, the, the, the, the bench we've met it in. Hot Nosh is ignoring the old lady. He's fully moved on to whatever's happening next and is interested in asking lots of personal questions.
00:59:58
Speaker
OK, right, you will make your way to the town square. And what you can see is, as you arrive, is a big sign that says the festive Christmas tree switch on. I'm sorry. Oh, the festive Christmas tree switch i think and on? No, I'm not open to say. Oh, no, here we go. Gikey! Laughing all the way.
01:00:25
Speaker
The crowds seem to be... What are you doing with a shotgun? What have I got? A shotgun. The crowds still appear to be waiting for someone. The stage is lit. Two spotlights seem to come down from these scaffolded towers that have been immersed on the corner where you are. You notice at the minute that nobody has seen you because all the attention appears to be towards the stage and what is happening on stage.
01:00:53
Speaker
Suddenly the festoons that adorn the square go dark, and from atop of the scaffold tiles the spotlights come on and hit the stage, a PA system crackles to life and a crowd cheer.
01:01:04
Speaker
Good cri folk of Gumpleton, as the PA says, festive cheer to you all. Please welcome to the stage, our esteemed mayor, the savior of Christmas. Tinsel, tinsel, Tom, Tom, Tom, Tom, Tom, Tom, Tom, Tom, Tom, Tom, Tom, Tom, Tom, Tom, Tom, Tom, Tom, Tom, Tom, Tom, Tom, Tom, Tom, Tom, Tom, Tom, Tom, Tom, Tom, Tom, Tom, Tom, Tom, Tom, Tom, Tom, Tom, Tom, Tom, Tom, Tom, Tom, Tom, Tom, Tom, Tom, Tom, Tom, Tom, Tom, Tom, Tom, Tom, Tom, Tom, Tom, Tom, Tom, Tom, Tom, Tom, Tom, Tom, Tom, Tom, Tom, Tom, Tom, Tom, Tom, Tom, Tom, Tom, Tom, Tom, Tom, Tom, Tom, Tom, Tom, Tom, Tom, Tom, Tom, Tom, Tom, Tom, Tom, Tom, Tom, Tom, Tom,
01:01:31
Speaker
He comes up to stage and goes, good cheer, citizens of Tom Guntherton. It's me, Louis, and I'm here to save Christmas. Oh, no, you're not! The feck is this? And that is where we're going to end this week's episode of The Fellowship of the Tabletop.
01:01:57
Speaker
oh ah got a lot of have So much to unpack from there. so so thanks Thank you so much for my Secret Center. It's brilliant. ah Wow. Okay. Well, there you go. Listen, as I was the first of ah four episodes of our Christmas specials, these will run throughout December. And then we'll pick up back with the main campaign come January 2025. Crazy stuff there. suck Strap yourselves in because it seems like we're going to be in for a very festive. I don't want to say the word Christmas. It's going to this is this is. no ah But yeah, cool. Wow. A lot to take in there.
01:02:41
Speaker
Where can you find us? Thank you. I'm trying hard not to cough up along. So by maybe, Mark, you can take over the the handoff. Blue Sky. We got we got a blue sky, and we have a little poo bear man. No, fellowship tabletop. Fellowship tabletop. Find us on Twitter. X, as it's known now, at Fellowship Table. Or you can find us individually, but fuck that shit. Just get in touch with us if you want to hear about us, hear from us, and hear in us. Get involved. Until next time, guys.