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099 - The 4 Stages of Confidence Every Athlete & Leader Must Understand
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Confidence doesn’t grow in a straight line. Tex breaks down the four stages of confidence every athlete and leader experiences on the path to real leadership.
Inspired by a story from Bert Sorin, this lesson centers around a simple but powerful leadership tool: the mirror. When athletes stop blaming others and start evaluating themselves honestly, self-awareness becomes the foundation for growth.
Many athletes believe confidence should constantly increase as they improve. But in reality, confidence often drops when awareness increases—and that uncomfortable stage is where real leadership development begins.
In this episode, we explore:
• The 4 stages of confidence and competence
• Why self-awareness builds stronger leaders
• The leadership trap of blind confidence and ego
• Why most athletes quit leadership growth in Stage 2
• How captains can use daily reflection and feedback to improve their leadership
You’ll also get a simple weekly leadership action plan that captains, athletes, and coaches can apply immediately.
If you want to develop leaders who take responsibility, stay coachable, and model the standard for their teams, this episode is for you.
Hold the mirror. Tell the truth. Lead better.
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Transcript
Introduction: The Mirror as a Metaphor
00:00:00
Speaker
Action. The world is a mirror and what we see in it depends on who we
Leadership Through Athletics Series
00:00:05
Speaker
are. Welcome to the Captains and Coaches Podcast. We explore the art the science of leadership through the lens of athletics and beyond.
00:00:12
Speaker
Continuing my series on the lessons that I teach to my team captains, this is going to be lesson number two. In part, I grabbed this one from a Burt Soren presentation that I saw him give at SorenxSommerStrong.com.
00:00:27
Speaker
And he talked about different lessons that he's learned throughout his athletic career, his life, and now as the CEO of Sorenex.
Self-Reflection and Responsibility
00:00:35
Speaker
He told this story, rule number one, lesson number one from there, about one of his old shop managers that used to hold a mirror inside his pocket.
00:00:47
Speaker
So what I did with my captains is I got them all these little pocket leadership mirrors that show looking at themselves. The moral of the story that Bert shared was whenever one of the members of the shop manager's team would come to him and blame somebody else or have a problem with the customer, he'd pull out the mirror.
Teaching Self-Awareness to Captains
00:01:10
Speaker
And it wasn't just for the negative behaviors, it was also the big wins. He wanted them to take responsibility for the things that they did well. So if they were blaming, complaining, or getting defensive,
00:01:22
Speaker
hold out the mirror. If they did something awesome, he acknowledged them and wanted them to acknowledge themselves. So that was the lesson aiming to teach the captains on my team self-awareness, got them all the mirror. And I also wanted to introduce different stages of confidence. It's not always who you are. If you're feeling down some days, okay, let's hold the mirror up, acknowledge how we're feeling.
00:01:47
Speaker
And then remember exactly who we are and what we're training for. Part of this step is having a goal on their bathroom mirror so they can always reflect on, okay, let's stay focused on where we're going.
00:02:00
Speaker
But I loved that presentation, that piece that Bert Soren talked about in that conversation, in that presentation about his shop manager holding the mirror up.
00:02:11
Speaker
When somebody made a mistake, no speech, no lecture, just the mirror, and the message was obvious. We're going to look here first, and I want that... responsibility. I want that accountability from
Challenges in Teaching Teenagers Confidence
00:02:25
Speaker
my captain. So that lesson stuck with me and I handed it down to them because the the the moral of that is the hardest person to lead is yourself and a team is going to be very reluctant to follow if we're not stepping up and leading, setting the example and leading ourselves through all this. And real captains know leadership starts by holding the mirror up for yourself.
00:02:50
Speaker
and why self-awareness it's so difficult to teach to teenagers but in fact i feel that it builds real confidence if we're able to spend a lot of time with self-awareness we can deep dive and help them understand who they are so they can become more coachable and not be resistance to any form of feedback positive or negative Confidence does not grow in a straight line and that's a difficult lesson to teach a teenager.
Four Stages of Confidence
00:03:19
Speaker
It grows slowly, increasing the better they get with their skills. The challenge is they're learning new skills, they're gaining responsibilities every single day, every single practice, every single year as they progress through their athletic careers and lives.
00:03:34
Speaker
So it is difficult to gain confidence if you finally feel good about something and then this world puts something else on your plate that you're terrible at. I want them to understand that that is a process, okay? Instead of looking at this new thing that I cannot do,
00:03:52
Speaker
and letting that define me looking at this new thing that they have not been able to do yet and remembering what they can do in the process that it took them to accomplish that so confidence it's going to rise it's going to drop it's going to rebuild and eventually it stabilizes into this swagger and that's what this podcast is going to be about today Sometimes confidence drops completely for many different reasons. And sometimes confidence drops because awareness just improved. You just saw something about your game, your leadership, your communication that you didn't see before.
00:04:32
Speaker
And awareness is uncomfortable. But awareness is where leadership actually begins. And there's a model that explains this perfectly. I did this on a previous podcast, the four stages of competence.
00:04:44
Speaker
We're going to be talking about today are the four stages of confidence to get into it. Four stages. Stage one, this is blind confidence.
00:04:55
Speaker
Okay. This is where most athletes start. You think you're better than you are because you don't see your own gaps. You are not aware of how far or the the investment that other professionals took.
00:05:08
Speaker
You're just going to start picking this up. Oh, they got it. Or you're even your friends. Oh, they started the new sport. I'll give it shot. I'm better than him in most things. But you don't realize the amount of practice and time that they've invested up to that point.
00:05:22
Speaker
So you're feeling confident, but it's mostly built on very limited awareness. You are overconfident. You get defensive with feedback. You're too good for feedback.
00:05:34
Speaker
This could be within a specific sports skill or could just be in life. Think about any teenager that you've tried to to guide and mentor. More often than not, they start with the defense is up if you have not established a relationship.
00:05:47
Speaker
So They're surprised sometimes when mistakes show up and like, oh, no, it's not me. It's the other person. It's the referee. No. ah So the the the leadership trap here is simple for this blind confidence stage. You can't fix what you can't see.
00:06:06
Speaker
And if someone tries to point something out to you, we've got to hold the mirror up. Stage two, you're aware but shaken. This is where things get uncomfortable because now you see a gap between where you are and actually success at the skill.
00:06:23
Speaker
You see leadership moments that you missed and you start to allow that to affect future leadership moments. You're blaming others for their behavior.
00:06:33
Speaker
For example, a freshman not doing something, but you don't see that you did not tell them to do that. Or, You did notice that you didn't tell them and then you blow up at them for not doing it and they should have known better.
00:06:49
Speaker
This is an aware but shaken and usually when people get defensive and more volatile and more loud as leaders, they're living in this stage. and they they hesitate when they should step in and then get mad and point the fingers otherwise and confidence drops but then they don't want to show that confidence drops so they just get louder loud is not equal leadership so start to observe if you're a coach start to observe observe your team when leadership gets frustrated they start to doubt each other they're snapping back at each other they're overthinking
00:07:25
Speaker
what to do, so then they just get mad at others. They're embarrassed, so they start to blame others. And a lot of athletes assume this means something is wrong, but the truth is the opposite. This is actually where growth starts. We're identifying a gap, and our ego is trying to protect ourselves from growth, learning, and acknowledging that the the the climb that it's going to take to actually develop that skill or be a leader on the team.
00:07:52
Speaker
And ah awareness, it feels so much worse than ignorance. Ignorance is, I mean, easy. It's bliss. You don't know what you don't know. And it's a happy place to be. It may feel worse, but it actually is infinitely better.
00:08:06
Speaker
The problem, most athletes quit leadership development right here. They quit the sport right here. They avoid the mirror at this stage.
Growth and Common Leadership Challenges
00:08:16
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Then we have stage three of confidence, intentional confidence. Now things start to change.
00:08:22
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You can lead effectively, but you have to think about it. You're very deliberate. You pause before reacting. You've created space. Instead of getting emotional, create space and start to act as if you need your team to act.
00:08:38
Speaker
It may feel slower. They may be looking for an immediate response right now. but we're going to take our time before delivering it. And that's what we're looking to do here. You think about your tone before you address your team as a coach and a captain.
00:08:54
Speaker
And you think about the timing, going back to the the three T's, tone, target, and timing from a previous podcast. We're starting to be intentional with how we're delivering it. Our tone may not match what we're feeling on the inside, but the tone is what the athlete, our teammate needs to hear at that moment in time.
00:09:15
Speaker
You think about the impact of your words that we'll have and and on our our teammates. We want our impact to match our intent. Sometimes we intend this, but the impact is off.
00:09:28
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So if it does not match, now I reflect on that and have an internal feedback loop on how I can deliver that better next time this opportunity comes up. And our leadership starts becoming more intentional and evolving with our own personal feedback loops in here.
00:09:45
Speaker
We're more willing to receive mentorship from our team, our staff, our head coaches, our parents even, because they've been there, done that, and they want to see us succeed.
00:09:56
Speaker
So the walls are starting to come down and we can build a castle on top of that mound and really start to to enforce. Because instead of reacting emotionally, we're choosing now to act and lead our team.
00:10:12
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Then stage four, earned confidence. This is swagger. Eventually leadership becomes natural. You identify as a leader. You're not forcing it. You're not faking it. You're not trying to show off. You're not boasting. You're not yelling, trying to be overconfident and fear them into following.
00:10:35
Speaker
No, you're just being who you are calling them out for what they're doing and then holding the mirror up for them as well. So, and it's not faking it. That's the big thing. It is true, authentic leadership at this point.
00:10:49
Speaker
Love the word swagger. And you're not trying to sound like a coach. you're not trying to sound like a leader. You're just leading. And the reason it works is isn't because you're loud. It's because the teammates trust you.
00:11:02
Speaker
They know right from wrong. They just made a mistake. And now, They see you as a mentor that can guide them back, walk the trail back on that wrong decision to the fork in the road, and then make sure that they make the correct decision moving forward and trust that you're not going to yell at them. We're avoiding fight, flight, freeze from the people we're leading because they trust us at this stage.
00:11:26
Speaker
And it doesn't just come from speeches. It comes from consistent behavior over time.
00:11:35
Speaker
So growth is huge. Just to to recap on our four stages here, stage one feels good. Stage two feels terrible. Stage three feels hard. Stage four feels calm and comfortable, like a warm jacket that you're putting on. Oh, I've been here before.
00:11:53
Speaker
We got this.
Honest Self-Awareness in Leadership
00:11:54
Speaker
And the reason most people never become great leaders is because they quit during stage two. They self-identify that they can't do this or I'm not a leader. That's not me.
00:12:07
Speaker
They're comfortable being comfortable. versus being uncomfortable and working on the skills and trying to sharpen that blade and working towards awareness to progress through that competency model and through these different stages of confidence as a leader, as an athlete. And the moment when the mirror starts showing you things you didn't so you didn't want to see,
00:12:33
Speaker
and we make the correct decision to correct these behaviors or seek out mentorship so we can grow and learn the skill, then we're making progress. And that's exactly where leadership begins.
00:12:46
Speaker
And the this is part of the lesson that I handed off with the the mirror for my team captains. And the question I want them to ask themselves, honestly, is what stage of confidence are they in right now as a leader?
00:13:01
Speaker
not where they wish they were, not where they think your coach believes that they are, but where are they actually.
Practical Exercises for Leadership Development
00:13:09
Speaker
And because honest self-awareness is the fastest shortcut to growth.
00:13:13
Speaker
And that's the power of the mirror. And if you want to apply this immediately, here are four reps that I handed off to my captains. So make this this podcast practical and applicable.
00:13:26
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Rep number one, find a mirror moment daily. After practice, after work, after you led practice as a coach, ask he yourself, where did I leave well?
00:13:38
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Where did I avoid leadership? Where did I avoid responsibility? Rep two, a feedback rep. Now we're looking at three times a week. Asking a teammate, a team member, what's the one thing I could do better as a leader?
00:13:54
Speaker
Not getting defensive, not overly explaining what you did, listening. Rep three, awareness reframe. Language is important.
00:14:05
Speaker
When confidence drops, having an affirmation ready to remind themselves, this isn't failure, this is awareness, this is feedback, and then growing from that.
00:14:17
Speaker
Affirmations are a powerful tool, so helping them coach themselves internally, which is then going to help them become leaders and coach others for when others get overly emotional reactive when something goes wrong during a game.
00:14:32
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And finally, rep four, a leadership adjustment. Pick one behavior to improve this week. Tone. Communication clarity.
00:14:42
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My target. Or it was my message on target? Accountability. Energy, enthusiasm. Was I excited? Did I show enthusiasm for practice even though I didn't feel excited?
00:14:58
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Composure. During a stressful game, if the the game is not going our way, did I act under composure or did I revert back to my seven-year-old brain, going back to a previous podcast, and allow the rest of my team to fall to that level of brain as well?
00:15:18
Speaker
So just pick one. Don't overwhelm yourself with all of those things. We all got plenty of stuff to work on. So pick one and then aim to correct the rep. Write down, journal, correct the rep, whatever you could have done and will do the next time this opportunity presents itself.
00:15:36
Speaker
Weak leaders protect ego. Strong leaders pursue truth. Confidence built on ego breaks. Confidence built on awareness lasts.
Confidence: Ego vs. Awareness
00:15:46
Speaker
So when something goes wrong this week, don't look for someone to blame.
00:15:50
Speaker
Hold the mirror, tell the truth, and lead better. if you want to know more about my mission vision head to captains and coaches.com if you want notes from this podcast and every podcast i do sign up for my weekly newsletter newsletter.captainsandcoaches.com thank you for tuning in to this episode i got a lot of education online for my latest course head to listen.com captain captains and coaches.com and of course like and subscribe to the podcast each
Conclusion and Resources
00:16:23
Speaker
Thumbs up. Each follow does go a long way, so I do appreciate each and every one of you for following us along in this journey. lesson The weekly lessons that I'll be handing off to my captains will continue this series. If you want to look back, this is lesson two.
00:16:37
Speaker
Check back one week ago from previous pod pat podcast loud. It does not equal leadership for lesson one that started this whole thing. So thank you again for tuning in.
00:16:49
Speaker
you there. And see you.