Transcript
Speaker: Welcome back, queens. Welcome back to the Female Dating Strategy, the meanest female-only website on the internet. I am your host, Rose, and today we are joined by our guest host, Sarah. Sarah, welcome.
Speaker: Thank you. It's so nice to be here. We are delighted that you wrote in and were interested in guest hosting. This is something that I'm sure if you've been listening, you know that we put the call out a while ago. It's taken me longer than I would have liked to follow up with everybody. But in the next couple weeks, we have quite a few more guest host recordings. And I'm just really excited because, Sarah, when I tell you the women who wrote in were just all so fascinating and interesting and living such like original lives, I just get so excited when I actually hear from some of our listeners because seriously, it's such a it's such an eclectic
Speaker: group of women, but they're all such powerhouse individuals. And it's just, it's really cool when we hear from, from individuals. So please keep reaching out Queens. If you're still interested and you think you've like missed the boat because we started now recording with other guest hosts, it's wrong. You cannot miss the boat. You can still hop on the boat. So just send us an email at contact at the female dating strategy.com and, and put your, put your hat into the ring. Let's get something recorded with you. Let's collaborate. But today we have Sarah. Sarah, I was so excited when I heard from you because we actually share a similar sort of um academic background. Would you mind just telling us a little bit about yourself for the listeners?
Speaker: Sure. Okay. My name is Sarah. I've played the harp for 28 years. So we have ah a huge musical connection. I'm also a piano teacher. uh i am a bhc student in anthro and i study jewish music from damascus so uh you know i got a lot on my plate but i'm really happy to be here today what a renaissance woman oh my gosh you're also a piano teacher yeah oh my gosh that's phenomena i mean don't you love it doesn't it just bring joy to your heart with these kids
Speaker: It's so nice to see them succeed to see them gain confidence. Yes. Oh my gosh. I have, I have a particular brother and sister who've been in with me the longest and like they're, it's finally clicking for them, especially for the younger one who always wanted to pretend like he was so blase and he didn't care. But now he's starting to really understand theory and like chord inversions. And you can just see his eyes lighting up and it's like, oh my gosh, you're seeing like a kid's brain grow in real time. Yeah, that was me. I was like him. I became obsessed with that stuff. Yeah.
Speaker: So that is so neat. And the harp for 30 years. Oh my gosh. Do you play at weddings and whatnot? Oh, of course. Yeah. Yeah. I started playing gigs when I was like eight years old. I think I started playing when I was seven. So it's not like they were super advanced gigs or something, but you know, I started with the piano and it's ah it's a really easy transfer.
Speaker: That's so cool. I mean, I've always called the piano the orchestra, ah like the orchestra in one. like so i feel like it's the only instrument that can really encompass the entire orchestra in one instrument. But I would i would amend that to say that the harp is a close second.
Speaker: You know, I think that the piano can do more. can do more. can do more. But the harp is still quite it's still quite complex in the breadth of what it can play as just one instrument, right?
Speaker: Yes, it's true. And it's a really complex thing to play because you've got to work all four limbs at once as you're playing. Yeah. Oh my gosh. Okay. We can't, we can't get distracted. This is what happens. whatever Okay. Do you see how, i just want to make this an aside and then we'll move on. I swear to the Lord above that there is something about piano players that like we are magnetized to one another because somehow we always find each other like across hill and dale, across mountains and oceans. It's like, oh, you play piano too? And then you're besties. And it's wonderful. It's the best cult I've ever been in. um but i'm ready.
Speaker: But Sarah, I also wanted to ask you to share with us a little bit about your journey to FDS. How did you come to discover it? Oh, wow. How did I how do i do this? um i Yeah, i was I heard men complain about it on Reddit.
Speaker: so i was like, i got to check this thing out. And like, how evil can they be? you know And I looked at it and I thought there were some really strong, confident women and they had some good advice. So I started reading it more. I started showing it to my friends and I just became one of those, you know, one of the good people on Reddit who was just upvoting and commenting good things.
Speaker: Yes. Too bad there weren't, there weren't ah enough of me to outbalance all of the you the ones who put you on suicide watch or whatever they do. I know, I'm still mad about being brigaded off of Reddit, but you know what? Like, I guess, honestly, now that I'm seeing the tech bro world, I'm really starting to understand that it's not on it it's not for no reason that we got kicked off of such a huge...
Speaker: purveyor of social media because it was, it was too effective and we were too, we were too powerful too quickly. Right. And like, they want to shut down all of that from women, but we have regrouped. And also I'm seeing a lot with like TikTok and Instagram, all these reels and things. um It seems like women have found a way to, to congregate elsewhere and to create communities elsewhere. So, you know what, we'll always find a way, which is what is the most important thing.
Speaker: Since we discovered FDS, what has your dating journey been like? Oh my gosh. um Well, I've, I've ended things early, which I think is really good.
Speaker: Like I've done so much better than I was doing. and There was a moment, you know, when FDS fell off of Reddit and I got into like kind of a worse a relationship, but I still found my way out of that thing. I think coming out way on top. So it you know it wasn't super smooth since I started, but like I feel like I've done so much better and I really respect the women who got me here.
Speaker: oh I feel like that's a real win. Sometimes sometimes when I read people's comments, it's like they they they want us to pass some kind of purity test. And unless we know the handbook chapter and verse and like never deviate from it, somehow, you know, it's almost like we've failed to become FDS people. But I think your approach is such a healthier and more reasonable approach. Like, can we just do better than we did? Can we find ways to have our lives be happier? Can we find ways to cut off situations sooner that aren't serving us? These are huge wins. I think...
Speaker: I think that's something that I want our listeners to understand. It's like, you don't have to go overnight from being like, you know, a pick me to an FDS radical queen. That would be ideal, but it's probably not realistic, you know? And so even just learning how to cut off relationships at the first or second red flag versus the 10th or the 12th a year or two in, that's a huge, that's, it's saving your life for yourself.
Speaker: Yeah. And I think when you when you start with FDS and you start ending things early, it doesn't occur to you that you're actually ending things early.
Speaker: You know, it's like you're getting better, but you're not really realizing it until you stop and look back. And you have to keep in mind that this whole thing is a journey. The rest of your life is a journey. You know, I'm not going to come here and say, oh I got married after, you know, being on FDS for like three weeks and it changed my whole life and everything's perfect now. I mean, no, that's just not the way that life is.
Speaker: Right? Oh, I love this. this is ah It's so wholesome and reassuring to hear this from a listener because sometimes I'm like, am I doing this right? I mean, I'm human too, you know, like I don't have it all figured out, but I certainly have learned that my time is valuable. My presence is valuable. Yeah.
Speaker: I guess I hate this. I hate how everything has become like a financial term. So the attention economy is a real thing, but I still hate everything being put into financial terms. But I think something to understand is that for men who are heterosexual and looking for women, just your very just the very fact of your two eyes being on them and your two ears listening to them is of huge value to them. And so learning that like you don't have to give that ah to anybody. You can be discerning and you can withdraw it at any time for any reason or no reason at all.
Speaker: Because it's your attention to do with what you will. um Yeah. These are all really, we're still in the nascent phases of women's independence. I mean, it's amazing when you think about.
Speaker: the long durée of history, right? Like the long arc of history and how recent the most, the last 50 years have been as far as, you know, gender politics and women's independence, right? Like I'm just thinking about how women didn't have credit cards in the U.S. until the nineteen seventy s No, and spousal rape wasn't illegal in all 50 states until 92 or something like that. Thank you. That's an excellent statistic. And of course, yeah child marriage is still legal, I want to say, in like 37 states.
Speaker: in this country. And that's just in the U S like we were not even talking about the broader, greater world. Right. So I think sometimes like, and I love that women are so impassioned and so they're just waking up and they are demanding what is theirs by right. um But of course we're seeing a real pushback from the world of men. And this brings us to the topic that you had suggested for today, Sarah, would you, would you introduce that for us?
Speaker: Or I want to call it no one will ever love you like I do and other insults that are actually compliments. That is, I love that. That's so perfect. No one will ever love you like I do. I remember the first time I read a meme that was like, may this kind of love never find me. right. was just like, oh, that hits me so deep, like in a, in a healthy way. Like, yeah, no one ever will ever love you. Like I love you. I hope not.
Speaker: Like you're the worst. Yeah. You're like, do you promise? ah You swear? Oh, my gosh. So this had come about because specifically you had mentioned seeing some kind of TikTok reel, was it?
Speaker: Yes. um It was Instagram, but, you know, it doesn't matter. it was And what I'm saying is a little bit beside the point, but there's this feminist, ah Camille Paglia.
Speaker: I don't agree with her on everything, I have to say. FCS doesn't agree with her on everything. and But she has she has like a very famous work, Sexual Persona, and she's she worked on it for, I think, 20 years. Maybe it took 10 years of intensive work to finally get it on the press. And she says in this stitch, the stitch is actually about something in the the book, but he doesn't respond to what she's actually talking about. She just says in there, it's been a decade.
Speaker: it had been a decade during that time in which she didn't have sex with a man for that whole decade. And his reaction, instead of I don't know, being like, wow, what she said is really smart. I agree with it. I don't disagree with it. Blah, blah, blah.
Speaker: He's like, whoa, so nobody fucked her Like, she didn't even get laid? as if As if, like, what that has, I don't know, what does that have to do with whether she produced something worthwhile? Like, yeah what are you responding to, man? Like... yeah Yeah.
Speaker: How is that the only thing you took from her entire lecture? And maybe, he like you said, maybe he goes on to talk about and engage with other other more substantive material about what she was discussing. But if that's the first place that his mind went, I mean, that kind of shows, right? It shows the priorities that he assigns to the things that she discusses. You know, the thing that gets me when I hear that too is like, nobody fucked her. Right.
Speaker: She was saying she hasn't had sex. And instead of him looking at it like, oh man, she didn't fuck anybody, where she is still the object ah and the agentive individual of that sentence. She becomes that which has not been fucked.
Speaker: Do you see the difference? Yes, of course. Yeah. And so these are the sort of things where language does reveal so, so much about people's frameworks and like how they literally...
Speaker: see the world, he could not imagine that she was choosing not to fuck anybody. It was that nobody else wanted or chose to fuck her. And that's just so How else do you measure human success? Well, shit, I guess I'm a... Well, that's the thing. It's like, well, yes, maybe she could have had sex, but that's here's the other thing.
Speaker: And this is something you had said, Sarah, like, it's not like you can't, you know, it's not like women can't get, go out there and get laid. And I was like, yeah, but they're going out to get shitty sex. And I mean, who wants, what's, that's why at this point, why would I want to go out and have shitty sex when I know I'm all the cheap? can't answer that for you. I don't, maybe you need the attention. the threat I'm not really sure what the attention economy is, but I can take a guess from it. You're starving and poor. Absolutely.
Speaker: Yeah, I just, I mean, I think there in in my past pre-FDS, you know, and I just had this conversation yesterday with one of the guest hosts, you know, I had really kind of bought into the liberal feminism, um hookup culture and like sexual liberation. And so I'd had some one night stands or I'd had some, you know, um friends with benefits type situation. But, you know, ultimately,
Speaker: I was never really satisfied. And i I mean that not just sexually, but in other ways. But like, if all I wanted was good sex and that's what I'd gone out to pursue, but I still didn't get it, then what was this whole idea? How was this ideology serving me if it wouldn't even help me get what I actually wanted, which was like a good sexual experience?
Speaker: Yeah. I've always thought that women's liberation should be about being able to choose whether or not you're going to Engage in stuff like that. Like, I never have had a one night stand. I've actually never had sex outside of a relationship. I don't see myself as very much of a prude or anything. i just didn't want to.
Speaker: yeah I'm impressed. And you know what, honestly, I wish I had not. But I think... So many of my friends and so much of the culture at that time was just that way. And I thought like, oh, you know, i I was always a little more conservative. And I was like, oh, this must be because of my background. It must be because of like my religious upbringing in my family, et cetera.
Speaker: But then after I'd had those encounters, I was like, I would have been better off not having had them. You know, I wish I'd actually stuck to what I had already felt was the case for myself. But again, like the culture was such that from magazines to movie shows and TV, like everything was like, no, like you're only truly liberated if you can go out and fuck like a man. Yes, you have to be a man in order to be liberated. There's no other way. but um Exactly. Right. But this is like liberal feminism had not equipped me to understand and sort of parse out those differences yet at that point. It was really only with FDS that I started to really get it. um And so when I hear you bring this up, I'm just like kind of thrown back to like young Rose who was like, oh, I i guess I'm supposed to try and I'm supposed to liberate myself from my, you know, conservative background. No, all I was liber all i was liberating myself to do was have shitty sex with men who are awful. Yes. That's not a win, ladies. That's not a win. But again, this is sort of the journey that so many of us have had to take. And so whenever I feel kind of chagrined or whenever I feel like, should I feel embarrassed that I'm sharing this on the podcast? It's like, listen, I'm sure many, many other women listening have had the same experience. And like, I'm not doing anybody any favors if I try to pretend like I wasn't
Speaker: living the life that I lived in the past. You know, it's the past. it's It's part of the journey I've had. There's nothing shameful about it. But boy, am I glad that I've learned a different way of of existing in the world.
Speaker: Oh, yeah. Me too. Me too. Otherwise, having somebody be like, nobody fucked her would have had me feeling a different sort of way, you know, 15 years ago. i mean, yeah, the goal should be discernment. It should be, do I want him, not who wants me?
Speaker: Right? and And that kind of brings me to my next point. another Another insult turned compliment is you're too picky. How dare you? How how dare i be selective in who is allowed into like the inner sanctum of my world and body? Like, what am I thinking? I should just let whom in the fuck ever...
Speaker: Come on down, apparently. Is that right? Is that the idea, Sarah? Yeah. I mean, you should indiscriminately accept people into your body, house, money, emotional life, your children, a good percentage of your waking hours. ah Yeah.
Speaker: Yeah. I mean, just think about it. Like, I mean, I think that's so funny because not least because it's such a classic projection. Like when you look at how picky these men are about women, yeah, they'll fuck anybody living or dead.
Speaker: um But like, they're all like, my woman has to shave her legs and she better shave her pussy. And I better have that, that hair better be long and luscious and flowing. And like, she better not wear makeup, but she better not look like she's death warmed over. and so your clothing better be like this tight, but not that tight. Like it's insane how. And he better look like a thumb.
Speaker: Oh, he looks like a thumb, a dirty thumb, a thumb with fucking dirt kicked under the thumbnail. Yeah. it' so it's so So it's like women better not be picky. Well, maybe we should. I think what's happened is we've been taking. Here's where we have been taking more of a book from them, right? A page from their book, because we are starting to actually be more selective. And I say that's to the greater good, because honestly, if you look at how.
Speaker: what if what What did FDS always say? Savannah would say that um marriage and patriarchy was um like social welfare for men. Yes.
Speaker: Right? I love that. It was an affirmative action program for men. I think that's what she used to say. Yes. um Which Savannah, that is classic and lives on in in perpetuity because that's so classic. I just, I love that. But if you look at over thousands of years, how men have had this affirmative action program,
Speaker: Look at what the results are, man. Like if you, I'm sorry, but most women I know, i don't know an ugly woman. And I'm not saying women can't be ugly. There's nothing wrong with being an ugly woman or a beautiful woman. But I'm just saying like in typical fashion, women groom themselves in such a way that they are at least presentable. That's usually what I've seen to be the case in the majority of women.
Speaker: Yeah, I think the whole world believes that women as a whole look better than men as a whole. Yeah. I don't think this is a novel take, right? No. No. Just like, who would you want to sit next to on an airplane? Everybody wants to sit next to the woman. Yes, that's so true. oh But so if we look at that, like, I mean, these men have all the audacity and none of the grooming.
Speaker: And all all we're asking for is like very basic, very basic, you know ah human health practices. Brushing teeth, flossing teeth, washing ass. Like none of this is novel in the history of mammals, of the mammal kingdom. These are activities that all the mammals participate in And Sarah, have you heard about the most recent um trend coming from TikTok young men, which is called pheromone maxing? Uh-oh. Okay. Yeah, exactly. Apparently, they are now intentionally not showering or changing their clothes before dates because they think that that lets the pheromone component be more active and more attractive to the women that they are courting.
Speaker: are Are women as attracted to pheromones as men? I don't think so, but I don't know. There's no scientific study, really. Yeah, I'm just an anthropologist. I don't know the answer to these questions. That's a great question. I don't know. I mean, I imagine there is an element, like I'll never forget one time when I was in, was living in Chile and I was crushing so hard on the best friend of my roommate and he was just luscious ginger person.
Speaker: dreamsicle. And I'll never forget that one time, you know, he was one of the best huggers and I'd gone to hug him. And I like took a big inhale as I was letting go of hugging him. And I felt like I was smacked with like a love wall of pheromones. I was like, no man has ever smelled better than this man. There was just something about his pheromones specifically that yes, like kind of slapped me across the face. Like I need to procreate with this man, you know? um but i But I can count on one hand the amount of times that's happened because- It's never happened to me. I feel like I'm always trying to smell people less
Speaker: Especially men. Oh my gosh. That's hilarious. what Right? So I feel so bad for these young women who are going on dates with these men who think that pheromone maxing is a thing. Like, we just want you to smell clean. Okay? Like, just some soap. I mean, a little cologne might be nice, you know, but like, I don't need somebody drenched in cologne or or deodorant, like heavily perfumed deodorant. I just want, you know...
Speaker: Yeah, I just want you to smell clean, man. Like, honestly, what else can tell you? whatever you're putting on you should put on less of it. Please. That's my blanket advice. ah That's a big one. I don't understand. Why do you think you need to drench yourself? We're not like we're not in like Louis VIII era French bordellos. They used to drench themselves in perfume because they didn't shower and because they were well fucked out.
Speaker: And so they were trying to conceal these scents from the public nose. But that's not the time that we're in now. We're not in that era. Okay. Apparently we are in that era. let's show it Oh my God. We've regressed.
Speaker: Oh my God. and Yeah. I bet you can't wait until you smell the next guy's asshole from outside of his pants.
Speaker: that What a, what a very visceral description you've just painted for us all, Sarah. Thank you. Thank you. like that's the kind of love that I don't want to find me. Okay. Precisely what you just said. And so these things that when they're like, nobody will ever love you, you're being too picky. Again, i can't help but feel like this is, you know, the affirmative action for men programming that has them confusing us with themselves.
Speaker: Yes. Actually, there's like a major way in which they are because instead of saying ah the person you're describing may not exist, which is, you know, your standards are impossible. Maybe there's not like a six foot five guy who makes good money and then he gets home from work and he gives you six hours of a foot massage and ah he never works late and, you know, whatever. Like they're instead saying you should date somebody you don't want because you're going to end up alone, which is my next one. You're going end up alone because any relationship is apparently preferable to no relationship for them.
Speaker: ahha Well, yeah, if ah if I were in their place, are you kidding me? To have like a maid and a cook and a secretary and, you know, a concierge and a sex partner changes the sheets, I would want that too. Are you kidding me? I do want that actually. um But in a man, you know, and so. Yeah. So I can understand why they think that no relationship, any relationship is better than no relationship, but it's actually the inverse for us. Unless it's a very special individual who is contributing more to your life than not, why would you be in a relationship? and That's what we're seeing right now. It's happening in real time, isn't it?
Speaker: Yeah. I mean, i I don't know if there's many men in my life that contribute more to it than they take from it. I don't know. I don't have one, which is why I don't have many men in my life at this point, to be honest.
Speaker: And I don't feel bad about it anymore, Sarah, but that's taken me many decades of like therapy and self-reflection because I was the constant people pleaser and eager beaver, overachiever, was always offering a helping hand. mean, that's how I was brought up being from like the Midwest generation.
Speaker: you know, conservative Christian tradition was like, help your neighbor, et cetera. But at a certain point I was like, well, okay, but like, does this ever go both ways? Like, does any of this ever come back to me? Like, and at first I was like, oh that's such a selfish way of looking at things. And I was like, well, they have no problem. No, it's not Right? It's not.
Speaker: But that was a real mindfuck for me. Like realizing, you know, they had no problem taking all that they can, yeah. apparently it never crossed their mind to offer anything in return. And that doesn't seem very, that doesn't seem very ethical, does it? And so I kind of had to un unwrap all of that training and socializing. But I think this is exactly right. Like why have a man, what I've seen, especially from, i would say women of color, black women, especially in TikTok are really coming for like, they're actually adding up, they're tallying up numbers about looking at how much men have cost them in their life.
Speaker: whether it's their father, their brother, their, their, um, former husband or former baby daddy, like they're, they're literally adding up like rent, car, food, et cetera. And they're like, do you see how much this man has cost me? Why would I bring anybody back into my life? If they're, if all they're going to do is drain my bank account and my health.
Speaker: it's like, oh, damn, this is so this is so impactful to actually see it like numbers written down in front of you. That is pretty powerful because I think that many men are doing that mentally and then throwing it in our faces when they don't get something they want. Mm-hmm.
Speaker: Well, and this whole like idea that like they want to be provider men and they want to be you know part of a trad wife relationship. I have never seen, I've never heard stories of that ending positively. All I hear are an overwhelming numbers of stories about financial abuse, um emotional abuse, controlling and coercive behaviors, and women having to start over with nothing at like 40 with no education and no work history.
Speaker: Yeah, i like I like my job. ah Yeah, right? Taking care of myself, yes. Yes, I like taking care of myself because nobody's ever taken better care of me than me, myself, and i True.
Speaker: Thank you, Rose. Good job, Rose. I'm petting myself on my back right now because it's like, you've done such a good job, Rose. Good job. Like when I bought myself my Steinway Grand Piano, which is a dream of 35 years earlier this year. Well done.
Speaker: Thank you. You know how major this is, right? Oh, yeah. My baby. um i think I'm going to do like a 90s glamour shots kind of session of photos with it and then send it out for my Christmas card this year.
Speaker: yes
Speaker: I'll see if I can. I do actually have a photo shoot planned for next month. So I'll see if the photographer can do a couple in that style so I can put it so I can send it out. But fantastic. But are you going to climb on top of your piano? Yeah. I think I'm going to have to do like the lounging. Like, um, what was that movie with Michelle Pfeiffer back? The fabulous Baker boys was this old movie where like, anyway, the point was she was lounging on the piano and singing. And I thought it was like the coolest, sexiest pose ever. um so yeah, I think you're right. I think I'm going have to sprawl on this piano. Yeah.
Speaker: i think it's a good deal call. So that's my goal. But the thing is when I bought myself that piano, you know, Younger Rose would never have dreamed that she could afford it all on her own.
Speaker: I had hoped like my, my piano teacher from when I was young, she was, she is still is an amazing pianist and piano teacher, but she had a husband and they combined like their monies. And like, that's how she was able to have her beautiful Steinway. And I was always like, man, am I, am I, I'm probably going to have to get married in order to afford a piano. Like because fuck I can't just pay my mortgage on my own and my car are and this and that.
Speaker: But lo and behold, like the rose of now was is able to swing it. And it was just like, it was such an amazing moment. And I still kind of feel like it's a dream because I dreamed of it for decades and just like never gave myself permission to realize that I could do it all on my own until now.
Speaker: And it just feels so good. Thank you. Thank you. So like, ladies, are there things where you're not, where you haven't given yourself permission to like, maybe, maybe it stretches the budget a little bit, or maybe it trims back from, you know, your savings for the year. I've had to, I've had to trim back on my savings goal for the year, but it doesn't put me in danger.
Speaker: um it just puts a couple of extra months on like the saving ah program, you know, but it's, it's more important to me to have this piano now. than it is to save X amount on compounding interest, you know? Yeah, it's more important to have the piano than the boyfriend.
Speaker: Oh, i mean that's, that it would never cross my mind that a boyfriend could ever replace a Steinbeck. Are you kidding me? Like, no, never. So like, what are the things, and I think one of the things you could think about in your life is like, what are the things you treasure most? And then ask yourself, like, is this van worth at least this, like, would you be willing to trade one for the other? If not, no, no, that it's probably telling you something about their value and their contributions to your life, you know, and and move accordingly.
Speaker: Okay. So nobody will ever want to be with you. What's another one that they like to say? ah no man will put up with you. ah well, that's probably true. And I'm okay with that. How do you feel about that, Sarah?
Speaker: Yeah. I mean, let me think. Let me think. I haven't like formulated a response to this one yet. um I mean, for me, i I think I've always been the kind of women where men either think I'm the most enchanting, captivating woman they've ever met.
Speaker: Or they absolutely cannot stand me. Like, and they make it very apparent. Yeah. That is true. Right? Have you ever had that? act like, yeah, as if you've put in like an application to date them or something. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Yeah.
Speaker: Yeah. and So yeah, no man will put up with you? Okay, I didn't realize I'd submit an application. Yeah.
Speaker: Are you sure you don't want to double try that? resume I mean, I don't want any man to put up with me. I want a man to love and celebrate and cherish me. And if if he can't, then like...
Speaker: Thank you, next. Yeah, i don't I don't want to be with a man who's like, hmm, you're interesting enough. You're not too exhausting. You're hot enough. You're young enough. You're sexual enough.
Speaker: Not too sexual. you know? Yeah, you'll do. You'll you'll do. yeah From big the movie Big. That'll do, pig Like, do. um ah yes so And I think you're right. Maybe, you know, maybe one way I should think about it is like, thank God I've always sort of had this bifurcated response from men, because it's always made it very apparent to me.
Speaker: Like, there's no point me trying to win over or be anything other than who I am, because... they have a knee jerk reaction to like my essence apparently. And i I don't want to change it. And I can't, I couldn't change it if I tried, why would I? um And so good. This it's a natural sort of funneling effect where the men who I do let in my life are very respectful and very complimentary and very helpful and very like engaged and,
Speaker: it and And invested in my life. And that is a very special feeling, especially after, you know, sort of the background that I've had where, you know, my own brothers are just like, you're an annoying pest, unless you can like come cook and clean and babysit my kids. I really don't need you coming by for a visit.
Speaker: I'm like, oh, yeah, exactly. that I mean, I hope those kids are okay. I send their presents at every Christmas and birthday, you know, along with some cards throughout the year. But like, they're not going to have me as a babysitter because I refuse to put up with that anymore. And so yeah that's why I need the men who who do want to come.
Speaker: into my life and value me and cherish me and demonstrate that to me. um I really appreciate them because it it is healing for me to have that sort of affirmation that like, no, I'm not just like an annoyance and, you know, a lesser human being because I exist without a dick between my legs, which is how my brothers treat me, you know, which is which was taught from our father. Like this, it's not like they didn't learn this from someone, but I find it really sad that like so many men,
Speaker: really kind of view us as like an inferior species. It's not even that we're not, you know, the same. It's not worth like, we're it's not that we're a lesser gender. It's that too many of them, we are a lesser species.
Speaker: And once you start seeing that, you can't unsee it. Who's the lonelier species? We all know that answer. I mean, certainly the, the think pieces and the news articles and the documentaries have shown us that, um you know, it's it's not women who are suffering in this current era. Yeah.
Speaker: Yeah, I think you're right. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Let me see. Okay, here's here's one that you might have heard. Okay. ah Men are intimidated by women like you. I have heard that a lot, actually, yes.
Speaker: What am I supposed to do with that? What does that even mean? You're too good? That's what I'm saying. Like, what i'm so what am I supposed to say to that? Like, I'm sorry that I can't hope that I'm so amazing. Like, i i I can't apologize for it and I can't change it. I can't change how you feel about a certain situation. But yes, I have heard that a lot. Have you ever had those encounters, Sarah?
Speaker: ah Yeah. And I think those guys are jealous. o Mm-hmm. Yep. I think you're 100% right. Like you, you make insecure people uncomfortable. Yeah.
Speaker: Yeah.
Speaker: Okay. How about this one? Okay. You're high maintenance. Thank you. Yeah.
Speaker: I mean, what's funny is that, um you know, i whenever I hear high maintenance, I kind of laugh because, again, I'm i'm like a country girl and I'm very low. I mean, I'm not somebody who does nails, although I think it's very cool some of the arts.
Speaker: forms that people do with their nails and their makeup and their hair, but that's just never been me. But so I always laugh when men say that to me because it's just like high maintenance in what regard? Like I'm not wearing heels. I'm not wearing like a particular look or, or, you know, there's no grooming thing that is costing me thousands of dollars. What do you mean by high maintenance? Exactly.
Speaker: I think they mean that you expect them to be reliable, to communicate, to, you know, not cheat on you members. Maybe, maybe they expect you to like remember, maybe you expect them to remember your birthday.
Speaker: And maybe even like get you a gift. Yeah. Oh my God. Would that be part of the high maintenance? Probably. yeah You want them to participate in housework?
Speaker: Ah, oh, so basically you're asking them to be a present human being. Okay. Okay. Okay. So it's actually not about... It's not about you and what it takes to maintain you as a body and a person. It's about what is expected on their part from you.
Speaker: is that right? Yes, I think you're right. I think it's less about what they, it's it's about what little they have to do. And get the most out of you. Yes. Yes. I think this, which is such a what a, what a parsimonious miserly way to live where you're just like running an eternal tab of like, am I getting the most for the least out of this person? Like what ah what an absolute poverty of mentality to have going through this world. Oh my gosh. It makes me so sad. This is capitalism at its finest, I think.
Speaker: I think you're absolutely right. Yeah. Which, yeah again this is this again, this is why I talk about like how much I hate how neoliberal capitalism has sort of captured the language economy.
Speaker: Because everything is down to like value, share, um transactional. like Everything is recorded in this very like numerical way. which is That's basically not how humans...
Speaker: the way humans understand the world is typically through like metaphor and symbol, right? i mean, I'm thinking about like in terms of Jung and Arbiturus, right? Like we respond to stories, we respond to sound and song and, you know, movement. And so if all we're doing is seeing through like a numeric lens, we have absolutely ah cauterized like the entire world emotional life of the human being.
Speaker: Yeah, I agree. well no wonder so many people are so miserable these days. If that's all they've been taught to think about the world and human relationships. It's like you should just use people as much as possible. Yeah. And no wonder like AI, I do think it's interesting to see how like apparently in the US, the one thing that is uniting the populace across all political spectrums is like everybody hates AI and data centers.
Speaker: I did not see this coming, that this would be like maybe the one thing that unites us. I hope it is because, again, it's like it doesn't take until we have robots on our doorstop, like trying to take over our jobs and our livelihoods where we're like, hey, maybe there is a limit to this tech world.
Speaker: Hey, maybe we should have some some ah guardrails in place, you know? But aren't aren't AI bots or whatever the most low-maintenance bang for your buck?
Speaker: Like you can get the most out of them while doing literally nothing except typing something and then pressing enter.
Speaker: That's a good point.
Speaker: I feel like... We don't want that. We don't want that. No. And I think also, again, like so much of our language has been stripped from us that we don't necessarily even have the language to name all of the things that are happening right now because it's been such quantum leaps in technology in such a short amount of time that like humans literally haven't developed the language yet to really describe what's happening to us.
Speaker: Right? I know we've been seeing more and more about... um Elementary school teachers are coming in and warning of the effects of like having this young generation be the first generation raised on screens and what that's doing to them. um And it's in i whenever I see these these sort of TikToks or or YouTube from teachers, these compilations about all the terrible things that these kids are are dealing with and struggling with because they've been raised more or less by screens. I just, it amazes me because of course, where I live and the students that I teach, they are from very particular families, very high upper class families that have really strict rules around screen time that, you know, demand that their kids are in physical activities, that they are out swimming and playing baseball and, you know,
Speaker: participating in group activities and summer camps outdoors. Like they're very intentional about limiting or not even allowing their kids to have screen time. And so I, kids that I interact with are like the kids that I've always known ever since I was a kid. It's a very particular kind of upbringing. But when I hear about, you know, a mass scale, the fact that this is not the reality, it does make me wonder like, how are we going to deal with this? Because, know,
Speaker: it's going to be up to our generations to figure out like, how can we course correct? What do we do? yeah to huh There's another thing that I think is related to that, that as a teacher I've dealt with, which is that students now are expecting a reward for everything. If they follow directions, they expect a reward. I think this has something to do with like, you get points if you do things right online or in a game or.
Speaker: Oh, the gamification of things. I haven't been hearing about that. m At least because apparently like the gamification of things is also sort of hand in hand with um gambling, apparently.
Speaker: That's sort of like, just like pornography has kind of been a hugely silent epidemic. I think the next silent epidemic that's happening under our noses right now is gambling, online gambling. um because it's closely tied to typically sports, which is ah typically a men's purview. And so that's been being pushed extensively. And a lot of laws have been sort of thrown out the window because everything's online. So they don't they don't have states laws sort of inhibiting anything at this point. Right. And now like politics and geopolitics are in there too.
Speaker: So I think, again, it's sort of like this perfect storm of psychological... lacunae that we don't even know how to identify, let alone address. um And I think it's all kind of trickling down in so many different ways. So, and I wonder too, I think also with like online dating, ever since the pickup game by i think Neil Strauss, he was like one of the early harbingers of the male pickup artist.
Speaker: Oh, this is the game guy. This is the game. Yeah. Okay. And that was like, he, he made being a pickup artist into like a game. Right. So that was sort of the early gamification of dating. And I think all we're seeing is like, we're downstream of all of the terrible things that have, that have,
Speaker: sort of sprung forth from that attitude. I don't think it's anything new. I think many men for oftentimes for them, it's always been a numbers game, but never have been been able to sort of game it the way they have with numbers being online and having access in that, in that realm.
Speaker: Yeah, i think so. And it makes them think that if they can't, if they can't do it in such a way that like, it's difficult. Something is too difficult. Like you're too difficult, let's say. Okay. Yeah. two hundred a second yeah you're you're ah difficult to like do what to, to do what with. Am I like too difficult to manipulate? Like too difficult to bullshit or to pressure into sex or to persuade to lend you money or, you know, whatever.
Speaker: yeah What does difficult really mean? Does it mean unpleasant? Does it mean high resistance? Does it mean hard fought? does Yeah, I think that's such a good point because, you know what human relationships in the course of human history, it's often the most rewarding human relationships, they're not the easiest ones. Yeah. Yeah.
Speaker: Maybe the easiest ones are, you know, the most short-term gratifying. But often, like when people look back, when they often talk about like nurses who do hospice care, i always read the articles where they're like, five things that hospice nurses say, end-of-life patients most regret. And I'm always like, click, I got to read what it is.
Speaker: Right? And it's always, always, always a man being like, your job is not your life. Right? ah go spend time with your children, go spend time with your wife, go have a conversation with your mom and take her out to dinner, you know? And it's such simple, basic fundamentals of human relationships. But again, i don't know if people are really in this sort of gamification and financial world and high tech, high speed tech world, like the things that matter most are often slow, right?
Speaker: and um And take effort. And they take effort. They're effortful. Yeah. I mean, I'm sure you've experienced this too, Sarah. One of the things with teaching piano to students is that they are so used to being good at something either really quickly or they can't be bothered.
Speaker: yeah And a lot of their parents are like, well, you have to take this instrument for a year. So even if it's not going the way you want, like you have, you're stuck in it for this year. and i have yeah right And I have to explain to them, like, you can practice and practice and practice, and and maybe you don't feel like you make any progress, but it is it's the little drops over time that accumulate that ultimately, like, a year from now, you'll be able to play things that you'll look back and you'll say, I never would have thought I could.
Speaker: But the the trick is that once you get to that point, there's always ways in which you can continue to get better and things continue to advance and get harder. So it never feels like you actually reach a goal.
Speaker: with the instrument. and that And having them understand that like uncertainty, um sort of shifting goals, a never ending progress is part of the journey of learning this instrument. You're never gonna get to a point where you're like, I'm the best, that's it, where it's done, game over. There's no game over when it comes to learning an instrument, especially one is as intricate and complicated as the piano, right? Like it just goes on and on.
Speaker: I mean, would it even be rewarding? If it was just game over. Exactly. Exactly. And so I think with, you know, they don't necessarily understand that at eight or 10 or 14, but like over time, it's like, I'm not having these lectures to them every class, but there are a couple times, you know, a year certainly when they're just like, oh man, they get a little disheartened. They get a little discouraged. And I'm like, oh, it's time to have the talk about like the philosophy of what is meaningful in life.
Speaker: Yeah. Right. And they get it. They do. Because I think a lot of times adults don't think that kids are as sophisticated in their understanding and comprehension as they are.
Speaker: It doesn't mean they're going to understand all of it, but they understand a lot more than you might think. Right. um And they also understand when you talk to them like they're a real human person as opposed to just being a child, being spoken down to. so Yeah. Yeah. It kind of reminds me of the way some women feel they have to communicate with their boyfriends as in they keep communicating and the guy doesn't. They're like, I just don't think he gets it. I just haven't said it the right way yet.
Speaker: Like, no, these guys, these guys, if a child can understand, then these guys can understand. They can understand. They can, and they choose not to. Exactly right. So tell me, i just don't care have we gotten to all of them on the list? Are there anything else on the list that we haven't discussed?
Speaker: Yeah, there's, let me see. One, two, three more. mean, we could stop at any point. No, I'm really enjoying this. Let's go down it. Okay.
Speaker: So my next one is you're too independent. what does it oh What does that even mean? and it sounds like a really good compliment to me. That's what I'm saying. like You can function without a man.
Speaker: That's great. Two thumbs up. do you you know it's like and Do you want me to need you or not? like well Well. if you If you want somebody low maintenance, maybe I'm your girl. Yeah.
Speaker: But I might not want you. but Right. Exactly. Exactly. This reminds me of, you know, one thing that i as I've brought up again and again, because it never fails to hit me on a very fundamental level is like men want to be able to feed you so that they can starve you.
Speaker: And that is what I often feel when men want to have a trad wife or when they want a woman who's like, who's, who needs more of them, who's dependent on them. It's not that, it's not that they like that about her. They like that they have more control and more domination. They have more leverage in that position. You're so right. It's really about power. Yeah, that's right. And then being able to exercise that when you want to.
Speaker: um So when I hear you're too independent, it means you're too powerful and you will not be helpless if I try to undermine you or make your life worse in some way.
Speaker: Yes, exactly. And that's how they that's ah how a lot of them operate is like based on these power differentials and the ability to dominate. That's how many of them and have been trained to think about heterosexual relationships, right? That's where they're like, she she is emasculating me and she doesn't let me feel like a man. How can I make you not feel like a man if you are a man?
Speaker: What do I have to do with that? Well, it's because they want to see this power differential. They want to see themselves as above us. and and And part of that is being able to manipulate and control us. And so if you are too independent, that removes that leverage from his grasp, right? So if you hear that- i think you're right.
Speaker: um You know that you you are the bomb.com queen, okay? And never give that up. Never, never. Okay, that's a good one. What else do you have you got? Yeah. Okay, next. You care too much about your career.
Speaker: Don't you feel like this just ties into the whole you're too independent? Yeah, it does. ah yes I'm not one who cares that much about my career. That's why I'm doing a PhD. So maybe this isn't the best one for sort of me to critique, but like maybe work is a part of somebody's real life, you know, like maybe working in a lab or a company, an orchestra, or like reading a book really is a part of her real life. And is that so hard to accept?
Speaker: Yeah. Yeah. I mean, i meanrisa yeah, please go on. Your relationship can be like an extraordinary part of somebody's life, but it doesn't have to just outrank everything else simply because like you're a guy with a worm between your legs. Yeah, yeah, absolutely. And I'm thinking too about how like women have always labored.
Speaker: that's been part of That's been part and parcel of marriage and being property is that women bring a particular kind of labor to the relationship. And that's why men covet them and want to claim and own them. It's because they are guaranteed a slave.
Speaker: Yeah. If they have a woman. And so when I hear you're too committed to your career, what I'm hearing is like, I don't have access to the slave in the way that I want. Yes.
Speaker: Yeah. I can't control you in the way that I want. like i want a hundred percent of your labor for me and me alone. And I don't want to to pay a dime for it. Yep. Okay. How about this one? Yeah.
Speaker: Nobody wants you. I mean, is that true? Can that even be true? Maybe. But what does it matter if it is true? What do you think? whose Whose desire are we talking about?
Speaker: You know, like i I don't have like my own special stock price and I can be traded. You know, like maybe maybe i have to want that person too.
Speaker: This is, I think, the most common one that I've read, especially on women online is like, they're like, I don't lack from men wanting me, but I don't want any of them.
Speaker: Yeah. Yeah. This is a classic projection. I think this is a classic fear of men, which is I'm never going to be good enough that ever that a woman is ever going to want me. And so the worst possible thing I can think of is no one wanting me. And that becomes no one will ever want you.
Speaker: Like the worst thing in the world is some woman won't want to have sex with me. Yes, exactly right. Exactly right. And men rape, pillage and kill for this. You know what i mean? Like it's it's not a minor thing to them, clearly, unfortunately.
Speaker: um i find it so interesting that like it really is just all projection. Everything that you're saying is they're just their fears. Right. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, typically men who insult women like this have trouble thinking outside of their own lives. Mm-hmm.
Speaker: Mm-hmm. Their own perspective. I mean, it i guess what it reminds me, Sarah, is that like, and I should remind all of the queens listening, is that whenever men are coming with these kind of insults, listen listen with a true listening ear and hear that it's actually not about you personally.
Speaker: It could be any person they're talking about because it's ultimately at heart about themselves. Mm-hmm. Yeah, I think this goes for most things that we take personally in life. Mm-hmm.
Speaker: It's usually not about you. like Yeah. Not in the way that counts. yeah Right. This is such a good conversation, Sarah. And this is why i was really happy when you brought this up, just because I think in this era, especially of so much, there's so much vitriol and cruelty and just unkindness for unkindness sake. um I just, i it grieves me deeply because like kindness is free. It costs you nothing to be kind, you know? um some people who who are choosing elsewise, like, what?
Speaker: what ah What a poor soul they must have. But so when people are so quick to insult, yeah, I have a hard time not taking it personally. I'm somebody who's like, I'm very sensitive and it hurts my feelings. But I have learned to sort of take a moment and pause and put a bit of space between my immediate knee-jerk emotional reaction to hearing something hurtful and then sort of like taking a pause and a step back and being like, oh, this, what does this really have to do with me? You know, and realizing and kind of taking it away and realizing it's just, it has nothing to do with me. This is their own battle. It's their own struggle. And I just happened to be caught up in the crosswalk, you know? Yeah. Yeah.
Speaker: yeah Exactly. And i think every woman knows that there's never going to be a situation where nobody wants them. There's always going to be some low hanger who's like trying to get with you in any way.
Speaker: yeah low hanging fruit. In fact, I would argue the most dangerous thing about being a woman is that there is always going to be some man who wants you. Okay? Yes. That That's probably the greatest danger. So if anything, like, thank you for reassuring me that like, I'm actually safe from unwanted low hanging fruit, you know? Yes. And that's how I move through the world. I'm so protective and so, so safeguarding of myself now that I like realize what a precious flower that I am. um That, you know, the low hanging fruit doesn't even, they don't even get within arm's reach of me because I'm just not, I'm just not entertaining it anymore. And it's such a good way to live, Sarah. Yeah.
Speaker: Yes, it truly is. oh All of our queens out there, Sarah is another wonderful example of having a guest host from our FDS ranks. I think we need more of these kind of conversations happening.
Speaker: Sarah, if you'd be interested in coming back again, i would love that. So please- I'd love it too. Let's let's stay in touch. Let's keep that as ah as a possible ongoing rolling relationship. And to all our queens out there, stay unbothered queens and we'll talk to you soon.
Speaker: I'm mad.
