Transcript
Speaker: Welcome back to Female Dating Strategy, the meanest female-only podcast on the internet. I'm your host, Patricia, and joining me today is... Hi, I'm Reina. Yes, we have a special guest today. I'm very excited to be here. Thank you so much for this opportunity.
Speaker: We're excited to have you. So Reina contacted us um from one of our invitations for our listeners, and we're going to explore some interesting topics today. absolutely Do you feel like telling us how you found FDS? What's your origin story?
Speaker: Absolutely. So I found FDS in late 2021 after a breakup. I was on Reddit and I heard a lot of buzz, a lot of hate about something known as free dinner strategy, FDS.
Speaker: And although they were hate comments, I was like, wait, I don't know why they're hating. This sounds kind of great. This sounds like something I want to be part of. Free dinner? Where was Yeah, exactly. Free dinner. Who's going to be mad about that?
Speaker: So I found the subreddit and I was immediately hooked. I immediately binged the entire handbook and i just felt like a brand new person. i felt so empowered. I felt like this was a space by women, for women to finally put our needs first. So I'm super grateful that I found FDS.com. at the time when I did, when I was so young and after a breakup so that I could really put my best foot forward when it came to dating.
Speaker: Yeah, there is something about post-breakup, huh? It's like a kind of a primordial state. Absolutely. ah time for rebirth. What was your breakup like or what would what drove you to break up?
Speaker: It was one of those things where we stayed together basically because of COVID. I think that there's probably a lot of women who were kind of in that boat.
Speaker: So it was just... a low to negative value man who provided absolutely nothing in my life and was pretty much dead weight.
Speaker: And I wasn't happy in that relationship, wasn't being treated the way that i deserve to be. And I remember one day we were like in my dorm room and he was struggling to put his socks on.
Speaker: And it just like pissed me off so bad that he couldn't even like put his socks on. And i like biked to class and that was it.
Speaker: After that, I was like, we're done. So yeah, it was, we kind of like tried the whole like let's be friends thing and that didn't work. And once FDS, like once I really started embodying that, feel like I had my head put on the right way and I was like, yeah, no, we need to block and delete actually.
Speaker: and fully move on. so I'm going to follow up on that. like what What exactly was your thought process like post being like exposed to FDS philosophy that made you understand, no, I should actually not be friends with this person?
Speaker: Yeah, I would definitely say It was the realization that like if we if he was my boyfriend and i wasn't getting anything out of it how am I going to get anything out of it by being friends? Like what what reason do I have to be friends with this man? and Especially with FDS and learning how a proper relationship should be and how you should feel when you're dating someone and how it should feel easy and effortless.
Speaker: I just, it really clicked that like, this isn't it. So why would i block my blessings by keeping this in my orbit? I'd be better off just having a clean break and an opportunity to work on myself and eventually meet someone else.
Speaker: Yeah, precisely. There's something about like, um perpetuating the state of suffering and effort within a relationship that doesn't work that well, that we as humans tend to stick in And also society kind of tells us that, like, you got to stick it through.
Speaker: Yes, I sometimes it's true. But sometimes it's not. Yeah, yeah. And I think FDS gives us the discernment to make that choice for ourselves. So I'm really grateful that I found it at the time that I did. That's very nice. I also found it post breakup.
Speaker: And today I wanted to talk about like we can always explore these concepts more. But there was also something that i've I've been excited to talk about, which is ah we can kind of spin off this article that is quite old and i may have already talked about it on the pod, which is against chill.
Speaker: But um the concept that I want to explore is this um I'm going to say like very bluntly, um burying the pathetic. like When you do something and you're like, oh my God, this is so pathetic, let's bury it. Let's just bury it in the ground because I think it's very harmful to us in the sense that um it's not letting us convey and act ah on our desires and on our wants.
Speaker: And there's something about current trends in society that kind of make it desirable and ideal to be not only unbothered, but like completely an autonomous unit in the universe that doesn't need anyone, anything, not a relationship, not a, like nothing. Nothing bothers you and you don't need anybody.
Speaker: And that is not natural. Ladies and gentlemen, that is not human. That's not how we're built. I completely agree with that. I think that as women who are navigating this world, it's really important to listen to our desires and to connect with those human emotions that we have and to be vulnerable about it and to be earnest about it and to approach life in a way where it's okay to feel things.
Speaker: It's okay to have wants. It's okay that we're right now not where we want to be in 10 years. That's okay. But what we can't do is let that hold us back. And what we also can't do is pretend that we don't feel those things.
Speaker: um I completely... It's actually harmful. Yes, it's actually very harmful. I think it really is harmful because what you're doing at the end of the day is you're lying to yourself and you're negating yourself of having those emotions. And I don't think that benefits anybody.
Speaker: And especially in the article, um what really stood out to me was how by being chill, by being low maintenance, by pretending like you're okay with things that you're not okay with,
Speaker: You're going to put yourself in a situation that you don't want to be in. And who is that serving? That's not serving you. That's not serving the man that you're in a relationship with. And at the end of the day, all that you're going to do is upset your nervous system and deny yourself of what you really want. And that's not that's not what we advocate for here.
Speaker: Yeah, I like what you're saying because it's um it's not about disconnecting from our passions. It's in a way more comfortable, maybe, to lie to ourselves and tell ourselves that we don't actually want the things that we want and we're content where we are, but that's not healthy.
Speaker: i'm um I'm going to read a little bit from the article so people get a little flavor of what we're talking about. So this is from an article that was published in 2015. It's called Against Chill.
Speaker: It's on Medium. It's written by Elena elena Massey. So she says, to the init uninitiated, having chill and being cool are synonymous.
Speaker: They describe a person with a laid back attitude, an absence of neurosis, and reasonably interesting tastes and passions. But the person with chill is crucially missing these last ingredients because they are too far removed from anything that looks like intensity to have passions.
Speaker: They have discernible taste and belief, but they are unlikely to materialize as passionate. um Sorry if my reading is like imperfect, English second language.
Speaker: um Passion is polarizing. Being enthusiastic or worked up is downright obsessive. is' It's, again, it's this... I really like how you were also mentioning our nervous system, because indeed, in a way, it's we train ourselves. Like, for instance, um i'm I'm personally recovering from an injury.
Speaker: from an injury and I'm not feeling well a lot of the time, and my knee hurts, and it's hard for me to stand, and it's hard for me to walk. Me lying to myself and lying to myself and telling myself that I'm okay, and telling myself that it doesn't hurt that much, and I'm okay with not being comfortable standing, would be very detrimental to my rehabilitation process.
Speaker: It's actually uncomfortable, but healthy, to be honest with myself about the fact that I'm in pain and the fact that I am suffering. And this is a fucking nightmare that I still am not comfortable standing after two years of an injury.
Speaker: It fucking sucks. But telling myself it sucks and then going and doing my physiotherapy and going to the gym and training, this is what I should do. And in the same sense, um like that just to drive the point home, if we're dating and we keep telling ourselves like,
Speaker: boom Yeah, I wasn't really interested in that person. He was too tall and um his hobbies were not really interesting for me. You're lying to yourself. You did like him, but he didn't text you back.
Speaker: And that's okay. It's very human. It's okay to hurt. It's okay to be uncomfortable. And it's okay to not have information ah by about why somebody disappeared.
Speaker: It's very, very human. And there's nothing wrong about it. And also in the context of anxious attachment, also wonder what you're going to say about that, Reina. But I noticed that that's something that my brain is doing. I was also talking about that on the pod previously.
Speaker: When something doesn't work out somebody, or even if I just start thinking about something not working out, I immediately start telling myself, oh, I didn't actually like him that much.
Speaker: The shade of blue in his eyes was not my favorite kind of blue. I started explaining with to myself, look, he lives too far away from me. It's too many kilometers from my house. It wouldn't have worked out anyway.
Speaker: No, it's just more comfortable for me to tell myself that I don't actually like him because he didn't text me yet. Yes. I really, really love what you said. And I'm very proud of you for healing on your hands.
Speaker: you know from your injury and for sticking with it and for being honest with yourself so i'm sending you so much love and well wishes and thanks i feel like i've definitely i've been on both sides of the lying to yourself where it was someone that you liked that you vibed with you connected with you were treated well and then it just didn't work out and i've been on that side where i'm like oh well I didn't like him anyway. and oh blah.
Speaker: And I think it's okay to sit there with it and be like, wow, he was actually a really great guy. And things felt really great. And I really enjoyed myself.
Speaker: And it didn't work out. And it's okay to sit with that. And what I personally like to tell myself is that Obviously, that's not my husband. if he didn't text me back or didn't want to continue seeing me, my husband would never do that.
Speaker: So that's not my husband. And if it felt so wonderful and I felt so free and so great and so cared for by the wrong person, imagine how wonderful it's going to be with the right person.
Speaker: So I just like to tell myself that. And I think that definitely helps me sit with the discomfort and really feel my human feelings of, wow, I was excited for something and it didn't work out and that's okay.
Speaker: And I've also been on the other side of it where, okay, this person is great on paper. Maybe they have... you know, ah they work somewhere where I find that really interesting. They have hobbies that I'm really great with, but I'm just not feeling them. And you kind of maybe lie to yourself and you're like, okay, well, you know, I can give him another chance. Like maybe he was shy or maybe I'm just, you know, we weren't in the right environment and, you know, I should just see where this goes. And I think that that also does more harm than good when you know you're not feeling it and you're trying to force it.
Speaker: for the sake of, well, it could work out. This person checks the boxes and, you know, the whole cuffing season is upon us. I don't want to be alone now. I don't think that that's good either. And we shouldn't let our desire for connection outweigh the part of our brain that is telling us that this isn't going to be what's serving us.
Speaker: Yeah, first and foremost, were women and one of our strengths is our intuition. Not we don't always hear it. But if we hear it, it's in our best interest to listen. Absolutely.
Speaker: i definitely think so. And I think that it's really important to
Speaker: To encourage our intuition to really speak to us, it's important that we are connected with our desires and what we want and to center that. And that's why I think FDS is so important because so much of traditional media and the patriarchy,
Speaker: wants to convince us that it's okay to settle. It's okay that he's not perfect and that he treats you badly and that you don't like the way that you feel with this and that he never gets you flowers and this, that, and the other.
Speaker: And they try to convince us to, oh, that's superficial that you want flowers. That's superficial that you want him to pay for everything. And then you try to hush that voice inside of you that's telling you, well, I don't feel satisfied by a man who doesn't buy me flowers and who doesn't pay for everything.
Speaker: But that makes me superficial and vain and i don't want to be alone. So I'll just stick it out because he's a good man. And I think that that is so unacceptable and that is so harmful for us.
Speaker: And that really tells us to not listen to our intuition. So I think that's why FDS is really important to me because it tells me that I am allowed to both A, want to be in a relationship and B, want to be in the relationship that I want to be in So I'm not going to settle for just whatever comes my way.
Speaker: I love how you said that in the beginning. of i love everything you said now, but also i want to emphasize the top of it, which was to motivate our intuition to talk to us, which would center our desires. That's so well said, ah because it it is kind of like an ecosystem in there.
Speaker: Sometimes i remember instances where my intuition was speaking and it was saying no, but at the moment that it was saying no, I was also shouting yes And i was like, oh, it's so loud. i can't even hear. you're just shouting.
Speaker: So that's why you can't hear. And what you said about basically, let's call it um foreign currents, media patriarchy, basically everything that you were conveying is kind of they're asking, but are you sure that your emotions are real? Have you considered not listening to yourself and disregarding everything that you are feeling and experiencing? Have you considered?
Speaker: Because that would be really helpful for us to control you and to put you in the place that we want you to be. Yeah, very, very well said. And indeed, it's just our prerogative and our mission, even in this life, to center ourself, to be self-directed and to listen to what our inner voice is saying, because it it is speaking.
Speaker: And to listen to it, that that is the action of giving ourself authority. And also by doing it, we're giving ourself authority. Absolutely.
Speaker: And I think That's being anti-chill is so important because when you're chill, when you're go with the flow, when you're okay with hanging out and doing whatever, then you're in a state where you're no longer centering yourself.
Speaker: And exactly like you said, you're easier to be controlled, to be put into boxes that you don't want to be put in and to deny yourself what it is that you really want.
Speaker: So I think that being chill is not what we advocate for at FDS and it's not what is going to benefit women as a whole in the long run.
Speaker: It definitely will not, especially if you think back to the basics, which is we're setting out on the dating adventure from a place of respecting ourselves, from a place of o um
Speaker: leaning in to who we are as humans, what our goals are, and out of that starting to date, then We cannot be chill. We cannot be going with the flow because the flow is us.
Speaker: The flow is I want certain things and certain things that happen do not fit me. And then I'm a little bit of a bitch and you're going to have to deal with it because also I would argue that if we assume that good men exist and men who are fitting for us for relationships do exist, and if we also accept that our behavior changes the way that we're treated or that If a certain man exists that can be good for a relationship, I would argue that if we act in a way that is careless, doesn't respect ourselves, um say, yeah, we can do whatever.
Speaker: When something disrespectful happens, we kind of just let it slide. That man is not going to give us the best treatment, because that's not what we're extracting by our behavior.
Speaker: Like to quote somebody wiser than me and possibly more entertaining, we cannot let our foot off of men's necks. I'm not saying be violent, but I'm saying you know in a certain regard, it's good to be a little bit vigilant.
Speaker: And this is not saying never let your guard down, but it is saying like, you know, if he suggests to find a place and if he finds a place to to do the date, he pays for the dinner.
Speaker: Yeah, say thank you. say plus one. Say plus one for effort. You get cookie points for choosing the place. Give pointers. If he does something that you don't like, ignore him for a few hours. like That's how they learn. That's how humans learn.
Speaker: We shouldn't be afraid to do that. Exactly. i completely agree. And I really loved when you said you are the flow, like as the woman, as the queen, you are the flow and the men in your life, they should accommodate to your flow and it should be their mission to make sure that the flow is flowing.
Speaker: So I completely agree with that. And I think that what FDS has really taught me, especially on this topic of not being chill, is that dating should be fun. Dating should be a pleasant experience for you as a woman. Dating should be stress-free and dating should be centered around what you want.
Speaker: So if... For example, you're on a dating app because that's the main you know that's the main platform that I use to go on dates. If you're on a dating app and they suggest a restaurant that you don't like or a date topic that you don't like or drinks or coffee or whatever, it's completely okay and it's completely valid to say, no thank you. I'm used to something else for dates.
Speaker: No, thank you. I prefer x y z And the man who is for you will say, okay, absolutely, we can do that. And the man that is not for you- Yeah. Him liking you is not based on doing some activity.
Speaker: like Ideally, it's a person who wants to play ball. Saying you are the flow is maybe i a bit of a misnomer because it's not like I'm the only one who sets the tone. It's kind of like, you know i theoretically, the other person also has a flow and you're checking out if your if you flow together. God, I'm such a happy.
Speaker: but Ideally, the other person also has some kind of a vibe, right? He's not chill. He's not he's not void of substance. and Yeah, it's a game of ah checking.
Speaker: you but We say a lot in FDS, a high-value woman um continuously vets somebody and checks if the other person is right for her. But the same is true for a man who's high-value.
Speaker: He's also checking you. And that's that's okay. That's how people vet each other. Exactly. Exactly like you're saying. there's It's not that there's nothing wrong with saying, I don't prefer this, I prefer that, I wouldn't want this, I prefer something else.
Speaker: That is how relationships work. It's a constant negotiation. And when you're doing that, you're it's like a little game in a way, like a nice game of seeing what's what our interaction What's our interaction like?
Speaker: How do we like ah choose a time to to meet? How do we find a compromise between meeting in my place or in your place because you have this early morning thing? it's This is what happens in a relationship, and it's a nice, cozy part of it, these little conversations and these little big earn figuring outs of how we're going to play something out.
Speaker: Yes. I completely agree with that. And I really like the point that you brought up about a high value man. He is going to be betting as well. And he is going to be evaluating whether this relationship is right for him.
Speaker: And that's completely okay. That's how it's supposed to be. That's encouraged. In fact, I would hate if I was with a man that had no standards. Like, what the heck? No. Ew. Like, please stand up. Selectivity is very attractive.
Speaker: Yeah, it is not attractive when they don't have any standards at all and would settle for just about anyone. That doesn't make me feel special. No. So I completely agree. I think...
Speaker: i think that no one is going to be perfect right off the gate because they're not going to know you right out the gate. So I think it's really important that as women, we are vocal about what we want. And exactly like how you said, he does, he does something you don't like, you, you don't reward him.
Speaker: You don't give him attention and he's going to pick up on it. If that's the person that's for you, he's going to understand that and he is going to come correctly the next time.
Speaker: So I think it's really important to approach dating in that way. And I think it's important to approach dating from the role dating. I am interviewing you as a man to see if you are going to fit into my life.
Speaker: And he's, you know, he's doing the same, whatever. what fine But I think when, the woman, you put yourself in that role as an interviewer, then you realize, oh, I don't have to laugh at this joke you made that I don't think is funny.
Speaker: I don't have to let that comment slide that I didn't think was appropriate. Whereas if you're coming at it from, oh, does he like me? Is he picking me? Am I good enough for him? And then you start fawning and you start laughing even when it's not funny and you start lying about, oh yeah, I'm chill with this, I'm chill with that.
Speaker: Then that's not that's not serving you. That's not serving at the end of the day. It's not beneficial to be meek and it's not it's actually detrimental to erase your character. It's not it's a lot helpful. But sometimes we indeed fall into this trap, especially when we're younger.
Speaker: um i know that I probably used to do that kind of in a way like abandon myself or erase myself in order to be what I wanted to present as in the interaction was with the men or with the specific guy.
Speaker: And there's something about that that's very hurtful. yeah It's hurtful to leave yourself behind. I completely agree. i completely agree. And I think that's really where you see the paradox of like, I want to be in a relationship. I'm a person with this human desire for connection, for my natural human want to share my life with someone special.
Speaker: You're holding that while at the same time, you're holding firm on your values. You're holding firm on your standards. And you're not going to let this aspect of i don't want to be alone overpower this aspect of I want to be respected.
Speaker: and you're not going to let that overtake it. And you're just going to shrink yourself and shrink yourself. your emotions to just, oh, well, I'm just going to go with his flow now. I'm just going to be chill and low maintenance and whatever he wants to do is fine, I guess. And, you know, he made this joke that I don't think is funny, but I'm going to laugh anyway. And I'm not really comfortable going to this restaurant, but that's where he's going to take me. So I guess I'll meet him there. And I don't really want to go to his house so soon, but he offered to Netflix and chill. So yeah, I guess I can do that.
Speaker: That's, that's not serving you. It is not. And we can also think about it from a perspective of negotiations. Because you were basically saying like, I'm i am interested in making a deal, but there are um some parameters that I'm not willing to let go of, or some clauses that are really important to me, and that if they don't exist,
Speaker: I walk away. And this is really important in negotiations. And it's really important also in in dating. This is something that I understood a long time ago, um or like, after my bad breakup, where I found FDS.
Speaker: I'm a bit older than you, I would sound like I don't know how many years older, I'm ageless. But basically, my my eggs and my ovaries are a consideration for me.
Speaker: But at some point, I realized that if I date out of that perspective, and out of that kind of urgency, that's really not beneficial for me because, um so to speak, arriving to the table with a weak hand, if that's my approach, because then I'm desperate.
Speaker: hey Honestly, it's it's a little desperate. And this desperation can come from a lot of things. It can come from, like I mentioned, being aware of your biological age. It can be like some women, they get divorced at certain age and then they start dating and they're afraid that they're going to be really old and wrinkly really soon, like tomorrow they're going to wake up and all their beauty and looks are going to be gone. And then they're never going to find abortion. Like this sense of urgency can come from real life things or not real life things. It can also just come from this hunger and thirst that we have for a love, which is what we're saying in this whole episode is valid and should be honored.
Speaker: However, if we let it lead us, if we let this urgency and this desperation be our first foot forward, we really stand a lot to lose because we're mostly losing ourselves and we're falling short of our possible potential in dating and in life generally, if that's what we choose to focus on.
Speaker: Yes. really love how you said that. love Wow. Wow. I really love that. I completely agree.
Speaker: And i think the pressures are so real. There's so much noise that comes around the idea of, oh, a single cat lady.
Speaker: ah poor her. Poor her. She hasn't found a man. Meanwhile, she's living her best life. And I think that's the whole point of FDS is that we are crafting a life for ourselves that is so full, that is so enriched, that is so joyful that a man is just the cherry on top.
Speaker: And although we really love cherries, they're so delicious. What a treat. You're eating a sundae and you get to eat the cherry on top. How amazing. But even if you don't have a cherry, you still have the entire fucking sundae.
Speaker: So we're not going to... compromise the sundae because oh he's he's offering you he's offering you a prune and you know i don't have a cherry but the next best thing is a prune no you wanted a cherry so we're gonna we're gonna hold that we're going to center that and even if we don't get our cherry on top we still have a life that we are proud of and that we love and that we don't need to endanger that life by just letting anyone into our life because we feel these pressures whether that's pressure exactly like you said real pressures that are internal or maybe your family is pressuring you or maybe you're the last single friend whatever the case may be we're not going to let that
Speaker: water down our true desires to be in our dream relationships. Definitely. And like you mentioned in the beginning, there's also an opportunity cost. when we're It's not only an opportunity cost, there are also other costs that we're paying by being in a relationship with somebody that doesn't serve us.
Speaker: like Just imagine like fighting for a relationship that is mediocre. God, what a waste of energy and like valuable personal resources. And also there's the opportunity cost of, I don't know, you spend one or two years with somebody that's like mediocre or good enough at the time.
Speaker: That's a lot of time. First of all, that you're not dating anybody else, you're not available to meet anybody else. And also after that relationship, you're going to have to deal with that, heal from that, work on yourself. And only then you start dating again. That's a lot of wasted time.
Speaker: And it's sometimes like horniness. Like sometimes it's just good to um Consider your horniness, understand that you're horny, honor your orning horniness, honor your horniiness but then just have a bit of a delayed delayed response.
Speaker: like we all I know that I'm horny, but if I have sex with somebody right away, it's not going to benefit me. like I'm honoring my horniness, by not going to bed with somebody, if that makes sense. I'm just delaying it a little bit.
Speaker: yeah And it's the same with dating somebody that's like, you feel like like okay for right now, but not not really what you want, just delay that a little bit. Like stay a little bit hungry.
Speaker: You're going to be okay. It's okay to be hungry. You can bitch to your friends about it. You can tell them, I want to boil. Where is he? what it's It's not okay. Let me tell you, I texted him three minutes ago. Three minutes.
Speaker: He's not texting me back. That's rude. Three minutes have gone, man.
Speaker: I completely agree. I love what you said. Yes, I think it's important to honor our horniness, to honor our desire for connection, to honor our longing for intimacy. And exactly like you said, that's why we have friends for.
Speaker: That's why we have... trusted women in our circles that we can vent to about this and that we can be honest with and we don't have to put on this brave face every second of every day.
Speaker: it's okay to be like, hey, I want this and this fucking sucks and I want it now. then you know what? Have your little tantrum and then move about with your day. It's actually really valuable.
Speaker: Yes, it is so valuable to just sometimes like connect with that part of you that feels like that. I want it now. Connect with it. I hear you. I see you. Me too, girl.
Speaker: And then let that, you know, let that go. Let that go. Let that be. And I feel like once you really acknowledge that that is how you feel, it kind of dissipates on its own. Sometimes those- That's exactly what I wanted to say. ah That's the nature of the mental states.
Speaker: If we let them be, they will dissipate. They will flow. They need to flow in so they can flow out. Yes. Yes. I completely agree. And I think that's why the being chill in relationships, that's why you have that discomfort deep inside because you're never acknowledging that this isn't what you want, that you want something more for yourself. So then that's just kind of going to sit inside of you and then you're not going to be happy.
Speaker: I agree. That sounds like ah not a good place to be in. I think I've been there, but it's it's it's not fun. It's not nice. Yeah, yeah. I've definitely i've definitely been there too and There is a trap there. There is a trap there because sometimes, you know, oh, I also wanted to say that sometimes, ah generally speaking, but pertaining to the subject, sometimes we tend to focus on the things that we don't have.
Speaker: And that's okay. It's the human condition. And it's sometimes good to just really practice gratitude about the things that you do have. Like I know that a few weeks ago i was kind of like not doing well. And I was really, i was on on its face.
Speaker: I was miserable about not having a boyfriend, but actually I was just miserable. And actually, well, I said actually a lot. My mom reminded me, like she she made me think about how many friends I have and how much my friends care for me.
Speaker: And I kind of realized that I'm focusing on the things that I don't have instead of focusing on the things that I do have. And that's kind of like I said, like it's the human condition. It's something that we tend to do sometimes.
Speaker: And it's Sometimes a good idea to just grab yourself by your bootstraps and practice gratitude because it's easy for us, really, to focus on the things that we don't have.
Speaker: And this is, again, this paradox that we're describing. We're not saying, be so rooted in your passion and your desire to have love that you ah constantly talk about it. And that's everything that you talk about. And you say that your job is meaningless and your house is meaningless and your cat is meaningless, God forbid, blasphemy, because all you really want is a cute boyfriend.
Speaker: But actually, maybe you're just a little bit sad and that's okay. Maybe you're a lot sad. Maybe there are a lot of things in your life that you can't really put your finger on, but you're a little bit discomfortful uncomfortable about, you're a little bit miserable about, and it's sometimes easier to just pinpoint something specific and say, I'm miserable because of this one thing.
Speaker: And a lot of the times that's not the case. Because when we're actually doing well, we can indeed be in this open paradoxical state where we honor our desire and at the same time value our life with the want.
Speaker: We can love our life with the wanting something. It's okay to want. This is something that I wanted to say today that we've kind of idealized like this imaginary um character of a person. I think it's also a very urban urban trope.
Speaker: A person that doesn't need anything. That's the chill person, right? Like he doesn't need a specific restaurant. They don't need a specific place to go to for a date. They don't need to be dating somebody. They don't need to feel more fulfilled at work. They just don't need anything. And this is somehow become the ideal person. And in a way, this is also It has to do with um idealizing singlehood.
Speaker: Like it's so uncomfortable to say that you're not happy with being single for the long term. You don't want to continue being single or your singlehood is a state that you would like to alter if you can in a beneficial way.
Speaker: This is somehow yuck. It's somehow yuck. It's better to say, I don't need anything. I'm happy exactly where I am. You can be a little bit unhappy. You can be a little bit not satisfied.
Speaker: It's okay to not be satisfied. Not completely, little bit. I think so, too. I think a little bit because out of that, you know, that little kick inside of you that's like, I want more. i want something else.
Speaker: That's what's going to drive you to. Yes. That's that's what's going to drive you to get what you want. Yes. That's what's going to fire inside of you. Yes. Yes.
Speaker: It's not healthy to be comfortable, not 100% comfortable. And you can be also working on your own personal goals, like we you don't have to date. That's, ah I guess, a needed caveat.
Speaker: Yes, I completely agree. And I really want to focus on what you said about gratitude. I think gratitude is just so, so, so important. It is so underrated. and I think no matter where you are at in your life,
Speaker: what your circumstances may be, what your financial circumstances may be, anything, anything, anything, you can always sit down and name five things you are grateful for.
Speaker: And I challenge you to do that. I would challenge all women who listen to this podcast that every day, five things you are grateful for, no matter what, no matter how you're feeling, you are you are able to find five things that you can be grateful for and let those five things be what carries you onto the next moment.
Speaker: And let those five, let that be what holds you over until you find what it is that you desire. But in the meantime, before you have that, you have five things that you can count on that give you gratitude.
Speaker: It's really good to do the five things and I'm even going to one-up you. How I like to practice gratitude is everything that I am, any one thing that I'm grateful for, I say I am grateful for or I feel gratitude for this.
Speaker: um In my mother tongue, it's like I am in gratitude. gratitude. i am in gratefulness. And then feel it.
Speaker: Like I feel grateful for being safe. Safety is something that we don't notice. It's the greatest privilege because it's invisible.
Speaker: You don't even have to think about it when you're safe and just feel that. For example, I'm grateful for being safe and just feel it for one moment. Feel it, like really ponder on it, let it simmer in your being, and then do the next thing. And you'll notice after you do two, three things, it rises up.
Speaker: It comes more and more, comes, and I'm grateful for that. And then you feel it and woo, it's a trip, enjoy. That is so beautiful. And I think that when we connect to that inner gratitude, that is just opening the doors up for you to receive even more.
Speaker: I think when you really sit with that gratitude for how your life is and for the things in your life and for the feeling of safety and security that you have, you're allowing for more of that to come in.
Speaker: And you're coming from a place where suddenly you're not lacking. you're not lacking anything. And when you don't feel that lack, you're not allowing for desperation to creep in and just completely hijack everything.
Speaker: And once you're more centered, that's where you're going to have the opportunity to really listen to your intuition and let that guide you to what your next steps should be and to let that help you filter out who is not going to be compatible with the life that you're building.
Speaker: Yes, exactly. Well said. Lean into yourself. You have, I don't know if a lot of the answers, but really a vast majority. I completely agree. i completely agree.
Speaker: And i think What was that? I'm saying sweet with like a sigh of contentment because this is very feel good. I agree.
Speaker: I think one important part of centering yourself is to know what it is that you want. And one really important way that I have done that through FDS is I came up with a list of everything that it is that I want in a relationship.
Speaker: And what are the qualities in my partner that I want him to have? Everything? how it that I want to feel in the relationship? And I feel like making this list has been so important for me. and How long is the list right now?
Speaker: The list 94 points long. so What happened to the other six? i don't I don't know. I think I'll have to reflect a little bit and add some more. But it is very long. It is very healthy. And it is very specific.
Speaker: And we were chatting a little bit before the episode. And my list is also very abundant. It is very... I don't know, maybe scrotes on the internet would want to whip out a calculator and tell me that my odds finding zone is.00001%. would love to.
Speaker: and loved her I don't care. i don't care because maybe there are only 10 men in the world that fit my criteria, but guess what? I'm only going to marry one of them.
Speaker: So there really only needs to be one man that fits all 94 of my criteria. And I personally believe, and I personally know that when I practice gratitude, that when i focus and work on myself, that is going to open the doors that is going to lead him right to me.
Speaker: That's what I believe. very I very much agree with that. I think that the major thing that I can do to find the right partner is to be, cultivate, and continue embodying the woman that I want to be in that relationship. That's literally the best thing I can do. And have an open energy.
Speaker: like That's the two major things that I should and can do that are in my power. I love hearing about your list and I love how you mentioned that it's both specific and abundant.
Speaker: Because if you're asking something from the universe, why not be specific and abundant? Like you're already asking. Exactly. Exactly.
Speaker: And like, this is my list. I can put whatever I want on my list. That's how it works. This is, this is my universe. This is, this is my life, you know, like, what the heck? Why wouldn't I put whatever I want? And will never forget, there was a very, very early episode of the podcast.
Speaker: And Ro was talking about, you know, like, If you are 45 year old woman with a peg leg and you want Brad Pitt and you want nothing else. Good for you, girl.
Speaker: Good for you. Don't settle. jane No standard shaming. No standard shaming. And I think once FPS, once that no standard shaming like really rooted into my brain, I was like, oh, wow, I'm not dreaming big enough.
Speaker: I do not have to settle for crumbs. And I think that that's really made dating more enjoyable and it's made it more focused for me. And it's helped me have like a basis for when I'm going on these dates.
Speaker: And let me, let me just see what something I have. Um,
Speaker: Well socialized and not awkward or cringe or embarrassing. That's number 45 on my list. 45. before fell Yes. And I feel like when I'm on a date and that's what I want, I want someone who well socialized, not awkward, not cringe, not embarrassing.
Speaker: And when you're on a date, you can really easily see that. Like, how is he interacting with the staff at the restaurant? Is he being a weirdo? Is he saying things that are out of touch?
Speaker: Is he chewing with his mouth open? Yeah. Is he, you know, playing videos loud on his phone? And like these types of things, you can easily scope them out.
Speaker: And when you remind yourself, oh, I don't want someone that's going to embarrass me in public, then you can weed out people that are embarrassing you in public. It is very important to set out on this journey from knowing what you want. And I love how specific you made it because indeed, when you have this vision quest with yourself and you understand exactly what you want, things get a lot easier.
Speaker: a lot easier. Yes. Yes, I completely agree. Something else on my list does all manual labor for me, including opening bottles and packaging, etc So done is I want to be a princess in my relationship. I don't want to open doors.
Speaker: I don't want to open the water bottles. I don't want to open the salsa jar. And that's what's going to make me feel. That's my truth. That's my truth. And I'm not going to, you know, let someone tell me that that's too picky.
Speaker: I think to a lot of men are also really happy to do that. Yes, a lot of men are really happy to do things like that. And that's the important part I feel is that for everything that I want, there is someone who is going to be so overjoyed to provide that for me.
Speaker: I love that. That's a very great attitude. Very nice attitude. And indeed, something that is like... kind of floating over what we're discussing in the last few minutes. And I would like to maybe close with that because we're um drawing to an end. is um This may be a little bit out there and a little bit hippie, but I think our listeners will understand what I'm saying.
Speaker: There are kind of like a lot of dimensions to reality. There is a dimension in which we don't have a boyfriend and that's really upsetting. And the the guy that we like took three minutes to respond to us. and that's just fucking rude.
Speaker: And there's a dimension in which we are so grateful to have food in our fridge and to have the safety of walking in the streets of the city where we live. And there are dimensions in which we abandon ourselves.
Speaker: And there are dimensions in which we are true to ourselves. And all of them are very, very close to one another. They're almost interlacing. And in this multidimensional reality, we have the choice some of the time um to choose in which dimension we want to live and exist and what we want to grow, cultivate and center, like you said, I like that you said center.
Speaker: um So yeah, freedom, like the freedom to choose is one of the most beautiful and just a beautiful human experience to choose. It's so powerful to choose.
Speaker: Yes. And I think it's really important that we acknowledge how lucky we are that we have the freedom to choose because one, two, three generations back, those women before us did not have the same freedom to choose like how we do.
Speaker: So I think it's so important to honor those women and to honor ourselves by fully exercising our freedom to choose and by fully exercising our option to not be chill and to put ourselves first.
Speaker: Yes, we are not chill. With that, thank you so much for joining me today, Reyna. Thank you so much, Patricia. ah This was very fun.
Speaker: This was very uplifting. would like to thank all of our queens for listening in And if any scrotes are listening, we don't want to date you unless you are sexually attractive to us. It's not that hard to understand that It's just our desire.
Speaker: So either you can understand that or you can die mad. Absolutely. Scrotes die mad.
