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Ep 05 From Exhaustion to Empowerment: How Boundaries Can Transform Your Life
109 Plays1 year ago
In this uplifting episode, we dive deep into the life-changing importance of saying "no" without guilt, setting emotional boundaries in relationships, and prioritizing self-care. ✨ Join me, Vaneese Johnson, the Boldness Coach(tm) as we uncover how boundaries can transform your life, helping you live BOLDLY and without permission!
Feel the power of your own voice 🔥 as we explore ways to prioritize self-care, negotiate wisely, and hold firm to what matters most to you. And remember, it's all about living that BOLD, audacious life—no permission needed!
Tune in, get inspired, and let's evolve BOLDLY! 🌟
Ready to set those vital boundaries and step into your BOLDness? If you need personalized guidance, don't hesitate to reach out for Boldness Coaching with me, Vaneese Johnson at https://hello.dubsado.com/public/form/view/62e32bc50b571daea26eb008
Let's get you from Exhaustion to Empowerment together!
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Transcript
Introduction and Podcast Goals
00:00:00
Speaker
Welcome to the Evolution of Bold Podcast, where we celebrate the power of women and their journey to greatness. I'm your host, Vinesh Johnson, also known as the Boldness Coach. I'm excited to take you on a journey of self-discovery, empowerment, and transformation. Whether you're just starting out or well into your journey, I'm here to guide you through the challenges, help you find your purpose, and to help you let go of anything that's holding you back.
00:00:26
Speaker
So take a deep breath, relax, and get ready to dive into some juicy topics that will inspire and empower you to find your level of bold and evolve into the best version of yourself.
Understanding and Setting Boundaries
00:00:40
Speaker
But before we get started, let's take care of a little bit of housekeeping. Make sure that you hit the subscribe button so that you can join a community of bold women who are transforming their lives. Make sure that you hit that notification button so that as new shows are released that you get notified.
00:00:59
Speaker
and also connect with us on social media. We want to hear your journey. We want to celebrate you on the journey. We want to support you on the journey. And also when you share, you inspire other women in the community to share their journey as well. So now that we got the housekeeping out of the way, let's get into the juicy topic of today. Welcome to another episode of the podcast show. On today's episode, I am talking about boundaries.
00:01:29
Speaker
Yes, we are talking about a topic that is so near and dear to me because setting boundaries is so important in the overall health and wellness of your being. And this is one of the hardest tasks that I've experienced in setting, but I've also heard from other women clients that's really hard for them to do, setting boundaries.
00:01:55
Speaker
By the end of this episode, you're gonna get really clear with me on what is a boundary. We're gonna look at the power of saying no. We're also gonna look at emotional and self-care boundaries, boundaries in relationships, and how to be audaciously daring in boundary setting. So sit back, relax, and let's dive into the topic.
00:02:21
Speaker
First, let's talk about defining boundaries. What is a boundary? A boundary is a really clear line that separates personal space, emotions, needs, and values from others. Boundaries are really important in maintaining an overall healthy well-being of you as the individual.
00:02:46
Speaker
And more often than not, this is an area that a lot of women, including myself, you know, struggle with, right? And I've struggled up to a point and announced every now and then it's like, I almost forget until I snap back, you know, through awareness, like, uh-uh, this is a boundary area. And so it's really important for us as women because we give so much continually to the people that we love. We give a lot to our community. We give a lot to family members, to friends, um to colleagues. like We are the kind of beings that are nurturers and we continually give. However, in the giving, we also deplete ourselves.
Recognizing and Establishing Boundaries
00:03:38
Speaker
So here's a litmus test for you to be able to tap into to see if it's really important for you to start setting boundaries. If you are going through your day and you're giving, people are coming to you, they're asking requests of you and you're fulfilling them and probably even with a sense of ease, right? Because it's just easy for you to do because it's your thing.
00:04:00
Speaker
And, you know, by the end of the day, you are exhausted. Then you are ah handling challenges and issues in your commute home with your kids, with your partner, perhaps if you have aging parents, you know, or you're following up on emails. And by the time you get to your home environment, you are just drained, like you have nothing left for anybody. And that includes yourself.
00:04:27
Speaker
You do find that at the end of a day that you haven't necessarily taken care of your own health, that um you're emotionally drained, mentally exhausted. You probably aren't eating, you know, as well as you could eat. And you may have some aches and pains going on in your body, but you're feeling like I'm just too tired to do anything other than just get these kids in the bed, get their homework, get my husband, my partner together, and I'm just going to go to bed.
00:04:57
Speaker
If this is how your day ends, then guess what Sis, you need to set some boundaries. And this is really typical in a lot of women, you know, as we are moving and navigating through our days. And I would say this is typical, especially when you are not in the presence of mind that you are looking to evolve into being your higher self. And one of the areas to support you,
00:05:25
Speaker
evolving into your higher self is an area of setting boundaries. So if you will get into that state of reflecting just on that scenario that I shared with you, and if you're in that reflection, if you're looking at that and you're thinking, this is me, Denise, then yes, you need to look at setting some boundaries. And I'm going to tell you, it was tough for me. Um, even though I have an adult son and I'm home by myself,
00:05:53
Speaker
Um, at this, at this point I don't have a partner and my family lives out of state. It was really tough for me because I was under. under the guise of, well, it's just me. You know, I can work long hours. I can do all these activities and I can call on check on all of my friends who have kids and aging parents. And, you know, I had really kind of put myself, you know, in that authoritative position as if I'm the person that knows it all and that can do it all.
Empowerment through Saying No
00:06:23
Speaker
Right. And I found myself being depleted, you know, from that, right?
00:06:28
Speaker
And it wasn't necessarily so much that people were always calling on me, but I was really looking externally to validate that I'm needed in the world. And I was like, well, if I show up for these people and if I do these things for these people, you know, and if I over over give, then it just feed my soul and my ego like, yeah, you're needed, you're important. But it did the complete opposite.
00:06:53
Speaker
It wore me out. And what I noticed is that I wasn't getting a return on the investment of time, energy, resources, and emotions that I was putting out you know for other people.
00:07:07
Speaker
They were taking that, taking my responses, taking my contribution, not from a place of, you know, of stealing it from me or being ungrateful, you know, about what I was sharing with them, but they would take it and they would move on to solve whatever their issue or whatever their problems were. Right. And they would say, thank you. However, the reward that I was hoping that I would get from that,
00:07:33
Speaker
never materialized. A reward you know to me could have been like, oh, girl, thank you so much. Here's a few dollars for doing that. Or the reward you know could have been, what can I do for you, Venise? Let me take over some of your challenges and issues. Or the reward could have been you know that I got more customers or that customer gave me you know more work or paid me quicker, sooner, faster on the work that I had delivered on. None of the rewards ever came through. you know And it just felt like, well,
00:08:03
Speaker
what am I doing this for? if If I'm just giving it all away and not really honoring my worth or my value, what is really going on, Venice? And in that reflective moment for myself and and more in the tire stupor, the exhausted stupor, I was like, Hey, wait a minute. What's going on here? You know, what is this about? And when I told myself the truth that me over giving and not having boundaries was because I had emotional needs, self-care needs that I wasn't taking care of, that I could give that to myself.
00:08:40
Speaker
When I got clear on the answer, I'm telling the truth with my own answer. That's when I realized, you know what? There is a power in saying no. And that's what I started doing. I started saying no to people.
00:08:55
Speaker
And I know that it's easier said than done to say no to people because we can all get together and say, no, it's a complete sentence. And I don't have a problem saying no. You may not have a problem saying no to some people, but you have a problem saying no to other people. The goal here is to not have a problem saying no to anybody at any time. That includes family members. That includes colleagues. That includes friends. That includes,
00:09:24
Speaker
you know, ah committees and programs and things that you're on, right? There is a power, there is power in saying no. And here is a way that can support you with really establishing and supporting the power of no. First of all, it's a complete sentence.
00:09:42
Speaker
Second of all, um most people will say, well, what'd you mean? No. Well, cause I said, no, that's not what I want to do. You can follow up your no, not with an explanation, but with a confirmation. The confirmation is it's not what I want to do. And I said, no, and that's it. So don't get in the space of explaining because when you start to explain to people what you're really doing is you're asking them to approve of that you want them to validate your reason of no. And when you're asking for permission for your no to be validated, it's never gonna be validated by them. Cause if somebody wants something, they they want what they want. and So they they may even get into an argument with you about it because they've made up their mind that this is what they want. So when you say no to someone, it's okay to back that no up with because I said so.
00:10:39
Speaker
because that's not what I want to do. Don't leave it up for negotiation. Don't leave it up for compromise. Another tactic that you can do behind saying no is that make sure that behind that no, that whatever the next step or task that you have behind that no is something that's important to you.
Integrating Self-Care into Lifestyle
00:11:03
Speaker
And it's something that feels you up and feels you up.
00:11:08
Speaker
So here's an example of what I mean. If there's a colleague at work and you both have projects that you're working on and they're independent projects of each other, that coworker asks you for some help or some assistance. It's one thing to assist someone. It's another thing to take over or to take a block of work you know from them to, you know, that's important to their project and put it on top of your work that you already get, you know, getting done. So what you can do is you can tell that coworker that I can support you, you know, under one, two, three area or or under one area, or you may qualify their request when they ask you to help them and say, tell me specifically, what is it that you need help on? And then I will see where I can support you, or I will look to see what that support looks like.
00:11:57
Speaker
So don't immediately you know just accept their request for help without qualifying it. And when once you've qualified that one way or the other, sometimes the qualification is, no, I'm not able to assist you with that, then turn yourself back towards a task that fulfills you and that you need to complete. So that when you're saying no to them, you're going to something that's important and valuable to you.
00:12:25
Speaker
The same thing you know can be important you know when it comes to your health and wellness. So let's say, for instance, that you know Zumba is your thing after work. And you're like, I cannot work late because and it's important for me to get to the gym, to get to my Zumba class, to get my dance on, and to hang out with the people that know what we all come together for that hour to have a moment of release and fun with each other.
00:12:51
Speaker
and somebody wants you to work late, you know, on a project and you're like, you know, I've structured my date and I've gotten gone on my checklist and I've gotten things done that were important to get done. So I'm not able to work late because I have another commitment and you go to your commitment.
00:13:07
Speaker
So you can always back up your no with a task that's important to you or what with an activity after that no that matters to you so that you can be able to validate why this no is important to you.
00:13:24
Speaker
So I hope that's helpful. The other side of that, um let's say that you do choose to you know support a coworker with a project. You qualify, again, where is it that they need help? And then you choose an area that you can support them with that doesn't impact the work that you need to do or the time, energy, and resources that you have for your a project.
00:13:47
Speaker
You pick that one area. You also can help them brainstorm to find other resources and tools that can help them to achieve whatever that request is that they had of you. You can help them to be empowered, you know to tap into resources, again, that can support them to get that request met. So saying no is really from a place of really completeness. And you can add to that completeness by helping people to see options. And you can support your completeness by going to the next level of whatever is behind your no that's important to you. So saying no is a complete sentence. Another area of boundaries is emotional boundaries and self-care. And I want to break each one of these down individually.
00:14:42
Speaker
Self-care boundaries are very important for your overall well-being. Yes, boundaries in general are important for the overall, but if we had to zero in on a specific area, the area I would zero in is self-care.
00:14:59
Speaker
Because here's the truth that they say on the airlines, right? You got to put your own mask on first before you can be able to help other people, you know, to get oxygen. You've got to take care of yourself first. What I've seen and even what I've experienced is when we overgive and don't have boundaries, our physical health suffers. Our emotional health suffers. Our mental health suffers.
00:15:28
Speaker
And when we we do that and don't pay attention and make self-care a priority, then we get the impact of all of the dis-ease that comes in those different areas. And typically, if we are so busy operating without boundaries before we know it, we have spent hours, days, weeks, months, even years, you know,
00:15:55
Speaker
get over giving of ourselves, you know, outside of having boundaries so to the point to where it affects, it affects our overall health. And a lot of times, but excuse me, a lot of times when we set those boundaries, it puts us in a position of power so that we can get ah in front of and even um take better care of ourselves.
00:16:23
Speaker
You don't have to wait until you've been given a job, you know, given the given a job 25 years, 30 years, 40 years of your time for you to take care of yourself. No, you can do that on the front end. And if you find yourself not setting boundaries so that you can be able to take care of yourself,
00:16:45
Speaker
That's a deeper question that we we need to ask. What is really going on with us internally, where we feel like we need to throw ourselves on the sword you know and sacrifice our overall well-being just so that we can have people around us happy? it It's just not even a good look, sis.
00:17:05
Speaker
And I want to go get back a little further into self care. You really get to look at setting limits on your emotional energy, you know, on your physical energy, um, on your mental energy. You get to really look at setting limits. ah One of the ways that I have been intentionally focusing on self care and setting limits and all of those areas is every morning I get up and I go and do a three to five mile walk every morning.
00:17:36
Speaker
Now, I'm well aware that this may not be possible for everybody, but hear me out because I'm also going to give you some other additional tips write on self-care. And so why that's so important to me because the morning that i' the in the morning time is what I've discovered is the best time for me to give myself self-care. At the end of the day, it ain't happening. Why? Because there's so much that I've taken on mentally, emotionally, and physically throughout the day. At the end of the day, I'm really depleted. So at the top of my morning is so important to me because that's before everything starts in the day.
00:18:16
Speaker
So I intentionally make sure that I get myself to bed at a decent hour. I wake up early in the morning. Um, sometimes I need to set my alarm clock. Most times I don't, but I get up early in the morning. I do my journaling. I do some meditation. I give my thanks and gratitude and I get up, put my workout, my walking clothes on and I'm out the door. And I also have a protein, a pre-made protein shake sometimes. So just in case I'm hungry, because I had to start thinking about,
00:18:46
Speaker
things that could slow me down and definitely stopping to fix a smoothie, put all the fixing in that stuff, you know, slows and taps into my time. So I had to learn to be clever. Like what is it that I need, you know, to have in place to make sure that I can get out early in the morning so that I can make sure that I'm taking care of myself and be on top of that. Right. And so I get up, I get out and I go do my walk. And on my walk, I'm listening to podcast shows. I'm i'm listening to audio books. Excuse me. I may even be watching or listening to things on YouTube as I'm walking. i'm I'm looking around at nature. I'm letting the sun getting some vitamin D on my skin and charge up my battery. And I'm also giving gratitude and thanks to God.
00:19:32
Speaker
And so when I take my time and do that for myself, oh, I also talk to myself too. When I take my time and do that for myself, I feel so fueled up. So by the time I get home from that three or that five mile walk, depending on what's on my calendar, by the time I get back home, I can, you know, get myself showered and get myself ready for the day. And I really bring a lot of energy with me when I do that, but I feel so good because I put myself first.
00:20:04
Speaker
So those of you, you might say, well, Denise, you know, I don't have the flexibility to be able to get out and walk in the morning, but I really want you to think about what are so what are ways that you can give yourself five, 10, or 15 minutes of self-care in the morning. When um I was a young woman coming up, a young mom, my aunt Bunt, and God rest her soul, I remember when we lived with her, you know, when my son was like, but then though I think he was like around one years old, a little bit over one.
00:20:34
Speaker
And Ambunt was married to Uncle George, and they were an older couple. I think Ambunt probably was in her like late 70s, I think. And so every morning, Ambunt would get up early around 6 o'clock, and she would go in the bathroom. And they only had one bathroom in the house.
00:20:51
Speaker
She would go in the bathroom and she would take her Bible and she would take a tablet and she would go in that bathroom and she would be in there for about 30 minutes to an hour. She would be in there studying her Bible and making notes. I could also hear her in there praying. And so that's, she did that every morning. She didn't go to Bible study during the week. Um, she wasn't on any committees at the church.
00:21:17
Speaker
But every and she did go to church on Sunday. So every Sunday she went to Sunday school and she went to church. However, even in her late seventies, every morning she got up and she went to the bathroom and she sat there with her Bible and with her notebook and she studied her Bible. So that was a way that she took care of herself, her spiritual self. She wasn't able to physically move around as much, but she did move around in the house and she kind of stayed in certain zones, right?
00:21:47
Speaker
that she could grab onto things. um However, I always admired that about her. And I would say part of that rubbed off, you know, as my son, you know, um started to grow in life, I looked for those moments where I could be able to have for myself five or 10 or 15 minutes. So I just want you to really think about what are some of the ways in your life that you can be able to start to promote self care?
00:22:14
Speaker
Just think about that. One or two ways and things that you can do is that when you are driving home, is that disconnecting from everything? Is that putting your phone on silent? Is that you turning the music off so that you could just have some quiet time to decompress? Is that you pulling over you know to the side of the road on the way home?
00:22:36
Speaker
and a place that has a beautiful backdrop you know maybe there's water it's a beautiful park you know or perhaps isn't you getting a cup of coffee or tea and just winding your day down before you step into your home life.
00:22:51
Speaker
And another tip is before you leave work, a good place a good way to set self-care boundaries you know and leave in the workplace at the end of the day is to do your to-do list before you you know leave your desk at the end of the day. Why this is important for setting boundaries is that when you get take do a head a brain dump at the end of the day and put that on your to-do list and you leave it on your desk, then you draw a clear line between your work time day ending, and your your evening time day starting. That's a good way to be able to have a boundary between work and personal life. And the last thing that I want to add on this for a boundary in self-care, the same way that you plan out your vacation every year from work, I want you to also look at planning out your doctor visits.
00:23:49
Speaker
I tell all my clients, when my clients come to me, and especially at the beginning of the year, and a lot of the women want to set their goals you know for the year, my request to them is, before we meet, what I want you to do is two things. I want you to plan your vacation for the entire year, and that could include you know a week or weeks, however much time you have.
00:24:09
Speaker
It also includes them looking at holidays, like the Monday holidays, looking at them doing four-day weekends, and it includes you calendaring in your health appointments, your annual physical, as well as your dental and your vision appointments. Because when you set the boundary on your time for the year, then it allows you to know that it is a priority on your schedule for your overall well-being.
Emotional Boundaries and Well-being
00:24:39
Speaker
So I hope that those tips were very helpful for you, you know, in terms of how you can be able to make yourself care, you know, the top of your priority for setting boundaries for your overall health and wellness. The next area I want to talk about our emotional boundaries. This is so important because we, we are emotional beings, women, we're nurturers and we're our emotional by nature.
00:25:09
Speaker
And the emotional parts of us, the nurturing parts of us, want to give and help and save and support at the expense of our own emotional health and wellness. So here's what I want you to think about, though.
00:25:28
Speaker
When in the past, when you've gotten a request for help that requires an emotional tug on you and you show up all, you know, full girded up in your emotions, roll your sleeves up, ready to jump in and ride or die. Is that really about you showing up a hundred percent emotionally available? Or is it about that person really needing that level of emotional contribution from you?
00:25:58
Speaker
So just think about that. Are you showing up and giving without boundaries because that's what you want to do, or is it what they're asking you to do? What I have found in coaching hundreds and thousands of women and women around the globe is that a lot of times emotionally they're giving because that's what they want to do, not what the person has asked of them to do. And when you are giving from a place of what you want,
00:26:28
Speaker
it's always going to require so much more of you and a lot of you. So what I encourage you to do is when someone makes a request of you and that request taps into your emotion, I want you to qualify what level of boundary needs to be set with that request. Really hear that person out and qualify. So tell me exactly what is it that you need.
00:26:58
Speaker
I remember, um, that, you know, one of a friend of mine, that a person that I used to be friends with a long time ago and this person had lost their job. And I was, I'm a career coach is one of the hats I wear. And that person had a package through their company to work with the career coach. So they had someone. in the professional setting, professional title of the career coach that they could go to for support. However, that person and I were friends and that person, she knew that I, you know, was that I am a ah career coach.
00:27:36
Speaker
And so that person was having a hard time emotionally because when you lose a job, it's like death or divorce. There is a period of of disbelief. There is a period of mourning. There's a period of grief that you you experience all these emotions, right?
00:27:54
Speaker
and so because we were friends that person would call me and she would just lay all of the heavy emotions on me so it would be this roller coaster in the conversation right up and down up and down um and it would be very taxing and it felt like sometimes we would be on the phone for hours dealing with this emotional roller coaster. And by the time I would get off the phone with her or even the time I would leave a visit with her, I would just be emotionally drained and exhausted. I mean, I literally would be so exhausted that sometimes I would miss my dinner. Sometimes I would have to take, you know, two aspirin because I just had a headache and it would just stress me out.
00:28:35
Speaker
and so one day what i ended up having a conversation with her because it had just become too much and i said to her it seems like you're having a really tough emotional time with this transition and she says i am and i said to her i just want to tell you i love you i love you so much and i'm really in support of you getting through this transition period in your life so as your friend My request to you is that you tap into that outsource program that your employer has already paid for. And what I am requesting of you is that you get yourself into therapy. And I said, as your friend, I'm not qualified as a therapist to support you because I'm not a therapist emotionally. And this is really heavy. And I also said, you know my role for you as a friend is really to help
00:29:28
Speaker
lighten things up for you and to be a source of enjoyment and fun for you and camaraderie and sisterhood. However, the emotional support you need is really heavy on me and it's weighing on me. So I want to be that, that place of fun and joy, you know, and excitement and you know, sisterhood for you. However, I can't be that and the emotional support for you.
00:29:55
Speaker
So my request is, you know, for you to get yourself some support. And then I said to her, so tell me, what does that look like for you and getting support? When are you going to make that happen? And when she was able to really see and hear me and I was able to articulate that to her, that was setting a boundary without me saying to her, I got to set a boundary girl. You can't be calling over here and pulling all this stuff on me.
00:30:21
Speaker
So I was able to set a boundary for myself, but also set one with her in a way that still allowed me to be there for her emotionally, but not draining on myself. So she went on and she got the support that she needed. And, and eventually after some weeks and sometimes cause she needed time to process that when we got back together, we were able to do.
00:30:45
Speaker
sisterhood, girlfriend stuff. And we did talk about how is the support systems working. We talked a little bit about it, but it didn't tax our friendship in that way. So I just really want you to think about setting emotional boundaries because it's not selfish to set emotional boundaries. It is necessary for your emotional well-being to set those boundaries. And I will also add to that, it's important for you to have emotional boundaries for your emotional needs as well.
Boundaries in Relationships
00:31:18
Speaker
So the same way that that particular friend was taxing me with her emotional issues, I want you to look to see, are you taxing your friends, your spouse, your family?
00:31:29
Speaker
your partner your kids with your emotional needs because perhaps you may need to set some emotional boundaries of your own so that you are not um weighing overweing the people that love you and want to be there to support you so just something to think about.
00:31:49
Speaker
Another area that I want to tap into are boundaries and relationships. Relationships. This is in all types of relationships. This is romantic. This is family. This is friendship. This is colleagues. Boundaries are about creating mutual respect and understanding. And I will share with you when um I first kind of got back into the dating space and got really intentional about dating as I was you know you know going through my divorce journey and getting to the other side of that. I really didn't understand the importance of boundary settings from a romantic standpoint.
00:32:34
Speaker
I was really emotionally wounded you know from you know that marriage and that divorce process that I was really seeking emotional support and I didn't even recognize that that what that's what was happening.
00:32:51
Speaker
Not only was I seeking emotional support, but I was attracting other you know prospects, men, who was also seeking emotional support. so You can already imagine how like emotional that was you know for two people. It was almost like I couldn't get to know this person because the emotional you know just outlet they needed to express themselves in the support and the affirming, oh my goodness, and the same on his side from me from that. And so when I started recognizing that I need to really
00:33:29
Speaker
have some boundaries you know between myself and other people emotionally. you know that When I started to recognize that, that really shifted how I showed up in dating. and Essentially, what had to happen for me was I had to get myself out of the dating space to take care of my emotions.
00:33:49
Speaker
and to really develop healthier emotions around myself and to find ways to sustain my own relationship needs and to get clear, you know, understanding around what kind of boundaries were important to me in the dating process. And I'm still in the dating process and I'm still, you know, always bringing heightened awareness in my dating exchanges around, you know, emotional, um,
00:34:18
Speaker
awareness around the boundaries as i date right and i also look at my energy my time my resources i look at areas of my life that i have intentionally worked on that are very important to me and looking at not compromising those areas that i worked so hard to get clear on your not compromising them just to give it to somebody else.
00:34:43
Speaker
right There's a difference between negotiating and compromising in a romantic you know encounter right or a romantic partnership. When you are negotiating, that means exactly that. You are negotiating what will work, you know what will not work. That could be times, that could be days, um that could be you know ah certain things that are important to you that help to keep you, you know keep your whole wellbeing kind of balanced, right? um And when it comes to compromising, that's almost as if you are choosing one or the other. So I don't do compromising. However, what I did learn to do so that I could be able to set clear boundaries was learn how to negotiate you know in the dating process.
00:35:34
Speaker
There are times when I need certain days of the week, you know, for my wellbeing. I mentioned to you um earlier that I shared with you all earlier that in the morning times when I get up, so that's important for me to start my day early for me to be able to get out and walk. So, you know, a boundary around physical health and wellness is really important to me. That is a must for me. And so of course, you know, when you have,
00:35:58
Speaker
uh, excursions where you may need to be gone for a couple of days with your partner, this person you're dating, you're on vacation. Of course you're going to have that time calendared in, but in general, it's important to come into those dating experiences with certain boundaries set so that way you can be your best self you know in that relationship right or in that exchange. And it's important to respect the other person's boundaries. right If that person has children you know or if they have other obligations you know outside of that dating experience with you, then you get to give them some mutual respect for that.
00:36:38
Speaker
And I think it's okay to ask a person what boundaries are important to you so that way we can be able to honor and and give mutual respect to each other. And don't be afraid if you're asking a person about what boundaries are important to them, don't be afraid. And you say, here are boundaries important to me. Even if that person isn't asking you, be okay in the exchange of getting to know each other. to talk about what boundaries are important to you. And lastly, I wanna put a little bow on that and say, you don't have to be so inflexible with your boundaries because remember, you know there's an opportunity for a negotiation. So be open to the negotiation, especially if you you know can tell that, you both can tell that this is something that you want to you know put more time and energy into.
Challenges with Family Boundaries
00:37:30
Speaker
Now, on the other side of relationship um boundary setting and relationships, I want to talk about family. This is one of the areas that's really hard you know for a lot of women ah when it comes to spouses, partners, children. you know Other family members is setting boundaries. Let me tell you something. Just because somebody is a family member does not mean that they do not get to have boundaries set. Just because somebody is your mama, your daddy,
00:38:00
Speaker
your brother, your sister, your children. Just because they're under those titles, y'all are genetically connected, DNA connected. It doesn't mean that they don't get to have boundary set but with them, especially when it comes to you managing your overall wellbeing and your emotional health. Sometimes the people that tax us the most are those family members.
00:38:27
Speaker
And they also are the toughest sometimes to set boundaries with. So I want to share with you a little story you know that I had with a family member where I had to set some boundaries because it was starting to um attack my emotional well-being. I was stressed out about it. I um i was anxious you know around them because I felt that I knew a request was going to come up.
00:38:57
Speaker
I felt like the money that I was earning and making that I needed to be able to put something aside to take care of that family member, I was feeling like the life I had built, I couldn't really enjoy it or I was gonna be shamed for enjoying the life I had built because that family member hadn't done that for themselves. I mean, it was just, it was so emotionally taxing for me Until one day i just said i can't do this with this person anymore like i'm gonna have to have a difficult conversation but before i get to the point of having that difficult conversation i set down and got really clear about what boundaries needed to be set.
00:39:40
Speaker
And I set boundaries boundaries around my personal finance. It's my business. My personal finances are my business. Unless I'm coming to you family members saying, I need you to give me X, Y, and Z dollars. I need you to bail me out. Unless I'm asking you for money that requires me to explain to you why I'm asking for financial assistance, then it's none of your business.
00:40:05
Speaker
Also, the lifestyle that I've chosen for myself, it is my business because I have earned to i've earned the right and I am worthy of living this lifestyle that I live. So I don't need to get permission to travel around the world. I don't need to get permission to stay in luxury hotels. I don't need to get permission for those things.
00:40:30
Speaker
So I literally had to write that out. I will say another area that was really important to me you know in getting clear about boundaries with this family member was me really getting clear about the boundaries that I have for myself. Because in all honesty, if you don't have your own boundaries clear, then how are you going to tell somebody else where they need to have boundaries for you at?
00:40:56
Speaker
So as I was going through looking you know on the list, looking at boundaries I wanted to set with them, I had to get clear about well what boundaries do I need for myself so that I'm not getting out of line with me when it comes to requests from other people.
00:41:13
Speaker
So sitting down and getting really clear was so helpful in preparing for that conversation. And it also provided me a baseline for me to also get clear about my values. So I want to come back to that in a second. Let's pin that, but I want to go back to this story. So as I was got clear about the boundaries I needed to set with that family member, I made the phone call. And at the top of the phone call, I told that family member,
00:41:43
Speaker
this is going to be a difficult conversation. So I just need to tell you upfront. And I paced myself. I took a deep breath. And what I said to that individual was that family member, I said that I really spoke from a place of empowering them. And I said that this now is a perfect opportunity in this moment in time for you to create the life that you want for yourself.
00:42:10
Speaker
This is a perfect moment in time for you to be able to look at your life as a whole and decide how you want your life to be going forward. So I really spoke from a place of empowering them to be able to step back and look at their whole life. And I used words like, that you can do for your life.
00:42:33
Speaker
So I used the words of ownership for them, first person for them, so that they could be able to see that they had a power to choose. And I also followed up with asking them along the way,
00:42:49
Speaker
Is this making sense? You know, as I'm talking to you, when i when I say to you that you have the opportunity to create the life you want for yourself, what is it that you hear me say you're saying? So it was important for me to be an active listener with them in the conversation, because along the way, I wanted to know if we were kind of on the same page, right, before I got to the the tougher parts of the conversation. And as the conversation moved along,
00:43:19
Speaker
You know, then I said to them, I'm not able to support you with what you want for your life in this moment in time. Like I'm not able to do that for you. And to do that for you means that I would compromise my entire you know health and wellness.
00:43:37
Speaker
And given what my obligations are and the life that I live, that is what's a priority for me, for me to maintain my lifestyle and my health and wellness, my overall health and wellness so that I can show up and be the best that I can be in the things that I need to do in my life. And that person, you know, they were angry with me.
00:43:59
Speaker
They felt that I had disrespected them. They felt that as a family member, how could I do that? And I let them express you know their emotions around it and even their disappointment around it. And as after they expressed it, I just said to them, I understand. I understand how you could feel and I acknowledge how you could feel. It's tough. It's frustrating. However,
00:44:24
Speaker
what I am doing is giving you a heads up so that it's not in the moment of a request that I tell you no. So now that you know where the boundary sits between you and I, then you can make some choices based on what you know for sure and what you've heard me say and what I've heard you say.
00:44:44
Speaker
And that's how the conversation went. How it ended was I told that family member, you know, again, I respect your thoughts. I respect um your perspective and that's as much as I can give you on that.
00:45:00
Speaker
And at the end of the day, we're still family members. We have these boundaries and we've learned to navigate, you know, it changed out the dynamics of our relationship a bit, but that's okay. I don't hate them. They don't hate me. I don't dislike them. They don't dislike me. We just know that there are boundaries in our relationship. If there is a 911 call, I am there. Johnny on the spot. I am there. If it's in a medical emergency, I am there.
00:45:28
Speaker
If it's something that will compromise their health, I am there. and in but But for general living and for general things that they are empowered to be able to take care of themselves, they have to take the responsibility for that.
00:45:46
Speaker
When I finished that conversation, I felt so light. I felt relieved. I felt like, okay, now I can get back to focusing on what's important to my overall well-being. And I can get back to focusing on the lifestyle that I'm creating. I can get focused back on the finances that I am earning you know from the the work of the talent that I put out there in what I do. And it just relieved so much stress off of me to be able to have that difficult conversation. So what I'm encouraging you to do is if there is someone in your inner circle, whether it's romantic, whether it's a family member, even if it's a close friend, what I'm encouraging you to do is to really, again, get clear about what boundaries need to be set with that individual.
00:46:37
Speaker
and have the difficult conversation and preference it at the top of that conversation, this is going to be difficult. So that way that person knows that something's coming. And as you are having the conversation, really be open and create space for them to express whatever they want to express. Don't get in don't but don't make it argumentative. Don't be confrontational about it. Allow them to express that and acknowledge that, you know, thank you for sharing and expressing that.
00:47:07
Speaker
And it's okay to say, you know what, I don't agree with it, but I do just appreciate you sharing what's important to you so we can agree to disagree. And be okay to say at the end of the conversation, you know, this is how I'd like for it to see us to continue and, or be okay, you know, that we've gone as far as we can go with this, with
Self-Boundaries and Values
00:47:30
Speaker
this connection. And that's, there's no other, there's no other direction for us to go and be okay to let it go. And it may take you some time to get through it, but when you look on the counter side of that, is that when you don't,
00:47:43
Speaker
when you're not intentional about setting boundaries, when you look at the cost of it, hopefully that will help you to you know be able to clarify you know that you did the the next right best thing for you in setting boundaries. And as we get to wrap this up, I want you, I want to leave you with this thought and some action steps, right? To be audaciously daring in boundary setting.
00:48:12
Speaker
Be bold enough to tell people no. Be bold enough to set boundaries about your worth. Be bold enough to not settle and allow your boundaries to be ignored. When a person doesn't respect the boundaries that you set and you respect the boundaries that you set for you, then it is time for you to change environments.
00:48:37
Speaker
Family members, romantic, friendships, colleagues are not. Be bold enough to walk away. Trust me, there is healing on the other side of your boldness. This is about an evolution of you evolving into the next level of your bold. And just know that in evolution, there are some habits, some behaviors, and some beliefs, and some fears that we get to leave behind.
00:49:07
Speaker
because they will create space for the next best higher version of you to step on in. So I hope this has been something that's been insightful for you that I've given you pause to think about.
00:49:24
Speaker
setting boundaries. Oh, one thing I want to add to that, I mentioned that I wanted to give you some something to do, right? A little bit of homework. I want you to take a few moments. Also, I mentioned, you know, a while back that, you know, if you're looking to have a difficult conversation is to get clear about the boundaries that you want to set with that person. But I really want you to get clear about boundaries that you need to set individually for yourself.
00:49:47
Speaker
really get clear about what boundaries do you not to cross that you don't need to cross over yourself on, right? What are those boundaries? If you say that you're going to take better care of your health and wellness and you got to do this thing at this time on this day and this activity,
00:50:04
Speaker
set a boundary and do it and stick to it. Because boundary when you set self boundaries, it's about you establishing self trust. So the first order of business is to set boundaries with yourself. And a way that you can be able to set boundaries is to set your values. Get really clear about what are your top five values in your life? What are your top five values?
00:50:31
Speaker
and build your boundaries from your values. God is my value, self-trust is my value, family you know is my value, physical activity is my value, and financial wellness and my values. Those are my top five values. And within those values, I'm very clear the areas within those values. And then within those areas, I've set boundaries.
00:50:55
Speaker
So, in the financial wellness area, you know, um I look at um investing my money, you know, um consistently is important in that area, you know, in the financial wellness area. And what that looks like when I say invest consistently I joined a women's um investment group and then i and then I submit and deposit money every month you know or quarterly within that group. and I make sure that the money I'm depositing is money that I always set aside and I never compromise that amount that I'm depositing to go and spend it frivolously on things that don't give me a return on my value.
00:51:35
Speaker
So that boundary is really clear that I invest in my health and wellness that supports my financial overall well-being. So get clear, be bold enough, be audacious enough to get clear and set boundaries for yourself and then set them with other people. And remember, no is a complete sentence.
00:51:57
Speaker
So thank you for your time with me today on this episode, and I want to hear your ahas. So make sure that you drop me a line and tell me what came up for you. um Even tell me if there's an area that you're struggling with setting a boundary. I would love to answer your question.
00:52:14
Speaker
um you know in a podcast show response. As a matter of fact, I think I may just do that because I've been getting quite a few questions in and I will do an episode on answering questions. So if you've got a question, if you've got a challenge around setting boundaries, drop that into one of the social media platforms so that I can pick that question up and I'll be more than happy to respond to it um in a podcast episode.
00:52:41
Speaker
All right, thank you for your time and being with me on this episode. And remember it to always focus and focus on living a life that is bold, big, and bad with no permission needed.
Conclusion and Engagement
00:52:54
Speaker
I'll see you next episode.
00:52:57
Speaker
Thank you for joining me on today's episode of the Evolution of Bold podcast. I hope you found the conversation as inspiring and empowering as I did. It's always a pleasure to share the stories of my journey, along with those of other remarkable women who have shown us what it means to live life boldly. I'd love to know what stood out to you the most. Your feedback is really important to me. So please leave a comment in the feed or on one of our social media channels.
00:53:25
Speaker
And don't forget to hit the subscribe and notification button before you go. Stay connected with us for more insights and exclusive content. Keep evolving, stay bold, and always live your truth. Thanks for listening and stay tuned for our next show. Until next time, I'm Denise Johnson, the boldness coach, cheering you on in your journey towards your level of bold.