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Ep 02: Adult Peer Pressure - Who's Identity Are You Living?
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In today's episode, part one of a two-part series, we dive into adult peer pressure and its impact on women's self-identity. I'll share my journey of redefining my identity after my divorce at 47. We'll explore how societal norms and peer influences shape our beliefs and behaviors, often unnoticed. I'll provide specific examples of how these pressures influenced my decisions in marriage, relationships, and finances.
By becoming more self-aware, we can uncover our true, authentic selves. Join me as I discuss my journey of self-discovery, especially around money mindset and wealth-building. Don't miss part two in our next episode! Be sure to subscribe!
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Transcript
Introduction and Community Building
00:00:00
Speaker
Welcome to the Evolution of Bold podcast, where we celebrate the power of women and their journey to greatness. I'm your host, Denise Johnson, also known as the boldness coach. I'm excited to take you on a journey of self-discovery, empowerment, and transformation. Whether you're just starting out or well into your journey, I'm here to guide you through the challenges, help you find your purpose, and to help you let go of anything that's holding you back. So take a deep breath, relax, and get ready to dive into some juicy topics that will inspire and empower you to find your level of bold and evolve into the best version of yourself.
00:00:40
Speaker
But before we get started, let's take care of a little bit of housekeeping. Make sure that you hit the subscribe button so that you can join a community of bold women who are transforming their lives. Make sure that you hit that notification button so that as new shows are released that you get notified. And also connect with us on social media. We want to hear your journey. We want to celebrate you on the journey. We want to support you on the journey. And also when you share, you inspire other women in the community to share their journey as well.
00:01:14
Speaker
So now that we got the housekeeping out of the way, let's get into the juicy topic of today.
Exploring Adult Peer Pressure
00:01:20
Speaker
Hey there, welcome back to another episode of the podcast. On today's episode, I am talking about adult peer pressure. Whose identity are you living? In this discussion, I'm gonna uncover how societal and cultural expectations, family dynamics, and career choices all impact the self-identity of women.
00:01:48
Speaker
This is a real thing, y'all. And you know how I get down. I'm gonna be bringing full transparency on how this was showing up in my life and how I was able to navigate the challenges of uncovering these different identities and how I positioned myself to really strive to become my highest self and to identify my own personal identities. right? And let you know this is a two-part series, so make sure that you subscribe to the podcast and make sure you hit that notification button because you do not want to miss part two of this series.
00:02:27
Speaker
Now let's dive into this conversation.
Denise's Divorce and Identity
00:02:30
Speaker
I want to give you a backstory before we get into really breaking all these components down and creating a bridge and connecting the dots, right? So I got married when I was 42. And when I was married for about four and a half years, so when I was turning 47 and it actually was on my 47th birthday, that um we had decided that we were going to get divorced. Talking about a birthday gift. Yeah, that was one I could have did without. But nonetheless, it turned out to be the best birthday gift ever. And so here's the thing that was probably
00:03:11
Speaker
equally challenging about the divorce was that I had followed all of these unspoken societal rules, cultural rules, peer rules, individual norms. And I thought that that was what I was supposed to do and come to find out none of that worked for me. And I wouldn't have probably had the awareness around that none of those worked for me unless that major life event had kind of triggered me into the space of curiosity and really into the space of questioning everything, right? And so that really made me get clear about, what I won't say get clear, it put me on the journey, on a pathway of discovery. Like I needed to figure out who the hell am I?
00:04:03
Speaker
And what are these identities that I have been wearing? And I want you to think about this too, right? And as you as we follow as you follow up me along in this conversation, I want you to start asking yourself some really important questions as we hit some of these high points. And you know me, I'm going to put some questions out there to remind you to be asking yourself these questions. But first, before we get into breaking down these different areas, let's really get clear about what is an identity? An identity really is the unique characteristic you know of an individual, like unique characteristics, your unique belief systems, your behaviors, you know the way you do things, all of that which makes up you as an individual, right? So think about the wholeness of who you are.
00:04:58
Speaker
you know, those different facets, you know, um your behaviors, your posture, your at tone, your energy, your attitude, you know, all of that, like a gumbo, you know, I can't resist that because being a girl from Louisiana, all of that, a gumbo that really helps to make up your identity. And then we we take that identity and then we couple that with something that most of us are just so unaware of. That is adult peer pressure. Now, when you think about adult peer pressure, what typically comes to most people's minds, right, is that this is something that you experience in school.
00:05:42
Speaker
And no doubt, some of us on some level have experienced some kind of peer pressure, whether it's from our teachers, our parents in schools. um It could be from you know ah community you know influencers, family members, you know friends, so on and so forth, right? So we typically think of that and couch it in that area. And most times we leave it there, meaning that that's the only place in life that it happens. No, that's not true. Adult peer pressure is a real thing, everyone.
00:06:16
Speaker
And let's talk about what is adult peer pressure? So this really is about um the pressure, the influence that comes from a group you know of individuals. And those individuals in influence your your life skills, um development, they influence the choices that you make, they influence the behaviors you know that you display. They are very influential in shaping your identity. right? Or contributing to the identity that you, you know, have adopted, you know, along the way. And this comes with family members, friends, colleagues from work. It can also, you know, come from relationships that you have been in, right?
Societal Norms and Identity Formation
00:07:01
Speaker
And so adult peer pressure shows up kind of in disguise.
00:07:07
Speaker
It doesn't show up and say ta-da, I'm adult peer pressure. No, but it does you know reveal itself in the way that we live our lives. So now let's break this down so that you can see, well, where does you know this come from and what is the impact you know that adult peer pressure has on our identity? So you know um pressure comes from societal norms. There are these unspoken rules in society that we have all found ourselves following. And when people typically don't follow the societal rules, you know, there's usually an uproar of some time you know of some kind on that, right?
00:07:50
Speaker
And I will say one of the areas you know for societal rules, especially when it comes to women, is that women are to really be domicile. Women are supposed to be you know more girly-like, feminine. and They're not supposed to do take on certain roles and do certain things because you know a woman just doesn't do that. Right. um And also societal, you know, puts on us that because a woman isn't supposed to do something, that she should have a man around, you know, to be able to do it. And so sometimes women adopt the identity that society puts, you know, on them that says you as a woman shouldn't do that thing.
00:08:38
Speaker
And sometimes a woman doesn't develop a skill set you know or characteristics you know around that particular area because society says she shouldn't do it. Following those norms, taking on somebody else's identity. Another area um is following cultural norms. Now, this one is really challenging because you know not only do we have the society, but then we also got these subset of cultures within society, right? And y'all know, as a black woman, listen, I can tell it. i can I can put it on Front Street that there are a lot of cultural norms within the black community. But I'm gonna speak specifically to women. I grew up in the South. You would have heard my story if you listened to the prior episode. And if you didn't, go back and listen to that episode.
00:09:25
Speaker
um One of the cultural norms you know in the South around holiday times was that girls were in the kitchen and you had to be in the kitchen because you had to help cook, right? And I really hated holiday times because that meant that every holiday season, I was in the kitchen while my brother sat and watched TV he know or went and played or did anything he wanted to do other than being in the kitchen. Plus, I hated tasting the food all the time. Because if the food didn't taste good, you had to keep tasting it until it tasted right.
00:10:01
Speaker
And so, but during that time period of me growing up, that was very prevalent you know in the Southern Black culture. you know And maybe it was in other cultures, I'm only speaking about what I know and what I've experienced, right? And you know i I am a great cook. So I was about to say I did become a great cook. I am a great cook. However, but on the journey of becoming a cook, it was really it seemed more like punishment. you know, versus an adventure of something that I really can be excited about learning and excited about doing, right? So that was a cultural norm. and Another area are peer norms. A lot of us belong to groups.
00:10:42
Speaker
and organizations, you know, that have individuals like us, you know, some people belong to sororities, some people belong to the National Association of, you know, perhaps is their profession. um Some people belong to religious groups, you know, or committees that we're on. And so we've got the the pressure of those groups because they set a particular type of norm. They set a particular type of identity of who gets in the group, how the person should carry themselves within the group, you know, what activities and actions they should do in the group. And so that also shapes our identity.
00:11:24
Speaker
So I want you to just stop and think for a second. Do you belong to any organizations, associations, peer groups, committees, you know, that really have shaped the identity that you have in particular areas, right? And this is no judgment, everybody. This is not right or wrong or good or bad. This is really just bringing heightened awareness. Because what's important is from society, culture, and peers, then we as the individual, we start to you know create identities from the culmination of those different interactions.
Cultural Norms and Personal Identity
00:12:01
Speaker
I call it like a gumbo because I'm from the South.
00:12:04
Speaker
So you got a little bit of society up in here, you got a little bit of culture up in here, and you got some peer up in here and you start this gumbo together. And here you go now creating belief systems and values and behaviors based on those influences around you. No wonder you know sometimes we find ourselves in situations you know that are unhealthy for us because somebody said that's what we should do and that's who we should be. And perhaps at a particular time in life, y'all listen, it worked. But now you're at a point in your life where you are looking at your reality and you're stressed out, you know you got health issues, you know you're unhappy.
00:12:52
Speaker
You know, and you're like, what the hell is going on? How did I get here? Or perhaps you are happy and you're excited and things are going well and you don't know how you got there. like So the goal here is for you to really step back and put yourself in a space of awareness and like, OK, you know, stop time out. Let me check and see what's really happening and what's really going on. And my divorce was that life you know event that put me in that space. And in all honesty, had that not happened to me, I perhaps could have still been operating in that space of really taking on other people's identity about who I should be you know in certain situations.
00:13:43
Speaker
But the disruption of that really put me in a place of self-discovery and curiosity in asking those questions. Now, I want to tell you about you know um how this played out in my life, right? I'm just going to list four areas you know where this was showing up. And I encourage you to listen to part two because you may find yourself in one of these four, all four, or maybe in the other ones that I talk about next week. One of the areas was cultural norms.
00:14:15
Speaker
So I got married based on where society said I should be in my life and who I should be at a particular timeframe in my life. So I married late in life, you know, or should I, and I'm gonna take that back. I'm not gonna say I married late in life because late is subjective, right? I mean, I've seen people nowadays, and you may have seen them too, that are getting married in their sixties and seventies, right? So I'm not gonna say I got married late in life. I got married, you know, in my 40s. And, you know, there's a lot of noise that's going that goes around us as women about when you are successful and single. It's almost like it's a sin to be successful and single.
00:14:58
Speaker
It's like, you know, I had, you know, a staffing company, the very first business I had in San Francisco area. I had a seven-figure, you know, staffing company. I was on some pretty prominent committees, you know, throughout San Francisco. I had a very strong personal brand, you know, in the business community. And so, and I had this look and energy about myself, and yet I was the single woman. And a question that I would get a lot of times was, you know oh, you got all this going on. Why are you single? like And then men would ask me, what's wrong with you?
00:15:32
Speaker
you So I started adopting that those standards and norms from other people, like I do have it going on, is there something wrong with me? So ultimately what ended up happening was I accepted you know a proposal you know based on societal norms about who I should be at this particular point in my life based on my achievements. I didn't have any other framework. you know I didn't put in any other important parameters, and I'm just being transparent with y'all and keeping it 100. I didn't put in anything else. There was no checklist. There was no nothing. It was like, you know what? I have experience in all of these accomplishments and successes that I've had.
00:16:22
Speaker
You know, and I know what that feels like, yet I don't know what it feels like to be married. So guess what? I'm just gonna go ahead. I'm gonna go ahead on and I'm gonna go get married. And I went into that marriage you know with all of that identity baggage about what society says I should do and who I should be you know in this marriage. I went in that from peer pressure. None of my friends said to me, you need to get married. But I do have some friends that are in these long-term marriages. So I have seen the evolution you know of of healthy marriages. and so
00:16:58
Speaker
And some of my friends were around close to the same age, give or take, you know, a couple of year differences. Right. So I was feeling some unspoken peer pressure, you know, that I need to join the club, you know, of being married. And so, you know, I joined that and it wasn't the best thing for me to do at the time, based on the limited beliefs that I had, but also that that was my barometer and measuring stick. Then that is how I chose to get married. um the relationship status, you know, here I was, you know, this again, as I said, this well to do, you know, single black woman, you know, in this multicultural, multiethnic, you know, thriving economy, you know, and I was single.
00:17:46
Speaker
And you know I was looking at you know ah things that were posted in the magazines, I was at newspapers, in the magazines and online you know and reading articles you know that women were struggling and suffering and finding it hard you know to find a partner and how women were really chastised you know for wanting to wait to get married and even wait to start a family, right? So that pressure was there and I didn't want to be in that category. So, you know, I was really, you know, kind of going through relationships based on this is where I'm supposed to be
Financial Empowerment Post-Divorce
00:18:27
Speaker
in my life. This is the identity I'm supposed to have in my life. And that really created unhealthy dating pattern for me.
00:18:35
Speaker
I didn't realize that until after the fact. So I just want you to stop for a second, and I want you to think about you know those two areas so far. Culturally, what identities have you taken on from your own culture about who you should be? you know, based on where you are at this point in your life or based on where you see yourself going, you know, or based on where you've come from, who you should be. I want you to really look at your relationship status to see what identity are you taking on based on the status that you're in, whether you've chosen it or not. And again, this is no right or wrong, good or bad, any judgment, but this is, you know, you're on your way of evolving into your highest self.
00:19:22
Speaker
In order to get to that place where you feel like I've arrived, you gotta do some introspection as a reflection on this, right? Another one of these impacted areas was um decision-making. but This was a really you know challenging area because as I moved through growing my company and looking at ways to elevate my life, I was making a lot of those decisions on my own. And I remember when I elevated you know to you know driving a higher level car, right? I remember going from you know a Hyundai XL to an Acura. And y'all remember back in the days you know how when Hyundai's first started out. So some of my old time was on here. Y'all know what I'm talking about. We dating ourselves, right? And I remember when I went to the Acura dealer
00:20:16
Speaker
you know, to buy my car. Now, I had been in there before. I had gotten brochures. This is when they used to make the really pretty glossy brochures, right? And they had the best, um you know, photographic pictures and they would wet the ground, right? So the light would bounce up off the cars. And, you know, so I had gone and I had, excuse me, done as much research as possible. And when I went to go buy the car and I knew what I wanted because I had done the research and the salesman really looked at me and asked me, was there anybody that was going to join me? And I was like, what do you mean anybody going to join me? So he was basically like, is there going to be a husband joining you? Is there a father joining you? Like he was basically saying, where's the man?
00:20:59
Speaker
you know because this is a major financial decision you know that you're making and it stopped me for a minute because i was like why is he asking me that like i'm very capable of deciding what i want and i looked at him and i told him um i don't need a man to help me to pick a car i know what i want what i need you to do is to get me what i want And he just kind of booked and you know and he was like okay then well let's go and he went through the process with me know and I i've got the car that I wanted and then I went to the credit union and I was able to get you know the loan for the car 100% and then I went back
00:21:39
Speaker
to the car dealer I think within three days or something of that time frame and I gave them the check you know so that everything could be transferred over right the same salesman he looked at me and he bucked because he was so surprised that I was a student enough to be able to make you know the best financial decision for myself So I just remember in that moment feeling empowered, you know, and I was in my 20s then. But as I moved into my 40s and being in the marriage, and then that marriage ended, I found myself on the opposite end of who I was in my 20s.
00:22:16
Speaker
In my 20s, I was sure. And in operating life with a bit of naivete, I just didn't. I ain't know no better. And it served me well. And then here I was having gone through some experiences in life. And now on the other side of getting a divorce and starting to think, how am I going to make it financially? So I want to put a pin in this for a second because I want to ask you this question about where did you who were you in your 20s in your 30s or should I say who were you in the earlier parts of your life where you felt
00:22:53
Speaker
very empowered. You felt emboldened in making your decisions. but At what points in your life you know have you felt emboldened? you know That you were like, yes, I'm clear. This is who I am. This is what I want. This is what I'm doing. This is where I'm going. you know This is what I'm going to have. you know At what point in your life did you feel that way? And what supported you feeling that way? because here's the truth. We didn't just wake up like this. We've had different experiences along our life's journey that have shaped us. And somehow we forget those moments where we were emboldened to really stand up as our best selves. And when I got to that point of going through the divorce, I forgot. I forgot that I know how to make good financial decisions for myself.
00:23:50
Speaker
And I fell into the trap of asking, well, who am I going to be once I get divorced? I'm not going to have the title. I'm not going to be able to have the benefits. I'm not going to be able to you know get my next home to purchase my next home. Now, keep in mind, the home that I'm living in, I purchased that way before I got married. But it was all of a sudden, it but it was like, duh, like my brain turned to mush, like my intelligence evaporated. Because I fell into this you know the norm of like, oh, you are divorcee now, right? you know And your privileges have been stripped. And the only way for you to get those back is that you're going to have to go marry somebody else to help you to get your money up.
00:24:34
Speaker
And I operated in that space for several years. I'm going to do a podcast on that you know at another time. But I operated in the space of lack. I operated in the space of scarcity you know for years. I also operated in a space of mediocrity. because I was feeling like I don't know who I am, so I'm just gonna stay under the radar, right? I'm gonna live below my means and I'm not really going to reward myself or acknowledge myself for being amazing and great in my life because what will other people say about me? What would my peers say? What would, you know, perhaps my professional, you know, group say if I bust through the doors, you know, talking about how I've elevated in my financial decisions.
00:25:24
Speaker
So just think about that for a moment. How a major life event has shaped the identity that you've taken on with making decisions as well as shaped the identities that you've taken on with your finances. I'll say one more thing about the finance area is that I grew up in an environment of scarcity and lack. And I adopted that identity. It was one of those that was really hidden deep you know, in my being. And I had been navigating and operating my entire life around that up until, you know, literally probably about five years ago.
Values and Self-Discovery
00:26:05
Speaker
because i I would rationale you know my financial purchases. you know um Because I wanted to stay, um what's the word I want to say? I wanted to really stay within the peer group of comfortability where everybody else was, right? So think of it this way. It's like being in the group of everybody that owns Toyota's. Like you own Toyotas, but you know everybody owns a Toyota and then you go get a Mercedes. And then they looking at you like, look at Ms. Fang over there. All of us over here got these affordable cars and Ms. Fang over there gonna go get her in Mercedes. you know All of us just have a regular you know maintenance schedule that's affordable, but Ms. Fang over there, you know she gonna be shelling out all this money you know every three months, you know trying to make sure that she do the upkeep of her Mercedes.
00:26:56
Speaker
you know And so I lived below the radar. you know I became a person who learned how to live in scarcity, navigate and lack because I had taken on the identity of other people you know that lived under that persona. So just want you to think about that, right? And the last thing that I want to do and close this out with is my own individual values. I had to really stop and ask myself, what are my values?
00:27:34
Speaker
And it was easier for me to look at the values that other people had placed on me than it was for me to look at my own. So think of it this way, give you this visual. um I had taken out a piece of paper, drawn a T, right? Like the alphabet T. On one side, I had put the values that had been imparted on me, right? From that gumbo. And then on the other side were the values that I held true to myself and my identity. the On the side that everybody else had put on me, I had you know had a long list. But on the side where I needed to identify my own values, it was nothing on the paper. I swear, y'all, I was struggling, trying to get clear. And at the same time, I became excited. bit
00:28:20
Speaker
because it it really put me on a path of discovery about who am I? What is the identity that I hold now for myself? And a way that I was able to start getting clear about that was I started looking at every aspect of my life. I started looking at the ways that I made financial decisions. That you know included looking at how I was managing my credit. It was looking at you know the income, how was I, you know, bringing income in in my business and paying myself, you know, how was I rewarding myself, you know, for the hard work in my business, you know, AKA, giving myself a raise or giving myself bonuses, right? I looked at how I was planning for my financial future.
00:29:06
Speaker
Like I really stepped back and I looked at, oh my goodness, I've been operating in scarcity and lab. But, and this is, that's not what I'm taking into my future.
Wealth-Building Mindset
00:29:16
Speaker
You know, I want my future to put me in a financial powerful position. so that I can go and get whatever it is that I feel my heart's desire, that I can, you know, manage and create a wealth portfolio for myself so that as I move closer to retirement, you know, that I can be able to look at that plan and feel really great about the work that I'm doing and the work that I may need to do to ultimately get me there.
00:29:48
Speaker
And that became really exciting for me. And I'll tell you one tidbit is that I was able to connect with a black women's investment group. And so I am just so super proud of myself and that I took on that identity of being wealthy you know and having a wealth building mindset. Let me say that. I took on the identity of having a wealth building mindset. And so now you know I am responsible for a stock in my group, but I've learned how to do deep research you know on you know really the value of purchasing a stock or the value of keeping a stock, right? And that's exciting to me because it's putting me in a position of power to create the financial future that I see for myself.
00:30:40
Speaker
So I'm giving this to you as an example so that you can be able to really peel the layers back and not judging yourself. Give yourself some grace on this. You did the best you could with what you had, what's available to you. Now you have some new information that's available to you and you can choose a different identity as you move forward. Start asking yourself open-end questions. Is this really me or is this someone else's identity that I'm living? How did I even adopt you know or embrace or embody this identity that I'm living at this point?
Embracing Change and Transformation
00:31:20
Speaker
What is it costing me to stay in this identity?
00:31:25
Speaker
And as you ask yourself these important questions, the ahas are gonna rise to the top for you. The awareness is gonna come up and it's gonna be percolating for you. And it's gonna excite you in a way that puts you in the place of creating possibilities for yourself.
00:31:46
Speaker
I'm just excited like just hearing myself share that with you because I'm on the other side you know of joy and fulfillment in every area in every area of my life. So please allow me to be the demonstration of what's possible on the other side. And please allow me to be to be the demonstration that you gotta to do the work. a You gotta do the work. So I hope that you have enjoyed part one of this series. So make sure again that you get ready, do the introspective work between now and the next episode coming out so that you can position yourself to be even more open to the additional areas you know that may um be places of aha for you.
00:32:37
Speaker
So I just want to recap with you that we really talked about what is identity. We looked at adult peer pressure and how adult peer pressure could be a program running in the background. We looked at how we've really adopted the identities that we have. And we put the big question out there, whose identity are you living? So before we go, I want to just cover a couple of housekeeping issues with you. Make sure you hit the subscription button so that you can be in the community of other women that are going through this transformation you know as they evolve into their boldness. Make sure you hit that notification button. You do not want to miss these juicy episodes that I be dropping every week.
00:33:27
Speaker
and make sure that you connect with us and join us on the different social channels. I want to hear your aha. What came up for you from this episode? Post it, share it, comment on it. And keep in mind, other sisters are watching. Give yourself permission to release it up and out and share it and give other women's other women permission so that they can be able to find it, you know, the moxie, the the audacity within themselves to type it out loud and so that they can start to get it off their chest as well.
00:34:07
Speaker
I'm so excited to have you for, to be with you for the next part of the series that's coming up in the next episode as we dive a little bit deeper.
Motivational Conclusion
00:34:17
Speaker
Until then, I want you to always remember to strive and thrive in your bold, big and bad. I'll see you next episode. Bye. Thank you for joining me on today's episode of the Evolution of Bold podcast. I hope you found the conversation as inspiring and empowering as I did. It's always a pleasure to share the stories of my journey along with those of other the remarkable women who have shown us what it means to live life boldly. I'd love to know what stood out to you the most.
00:34:51
Speaker
Your feedback is really important to me, so please leave a comment in the feed or on one of our social media channels. And don't forget to hit the subscribe and notification button before you go. Stay connected with us for more insights and exclusive content. Keep evolving, stay bold, and always live your truth. Thanks for listening and stay tuned for our next show. Until next time, I'm Denise Johnson, the Boldness Coach, cheering you on in your journey towards your level of bold.