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Ep 10 Break Free From the Artificial Alarm Clocks to Reclaim Your Joy
100 Plays1 year ago
I dive deep into the concept of "artificial alarm clocks" and the societal pressures that try to box us into a timeline. I'm sharing my own story about breaking free from these expectations, whether it’s about career goals or the push to get married by a certain age.
We’ll talk about celebrating our own paths, little daily wins, and highlight amazing women like Julia Child and Viola Davis who show us it’s never too late to smash our goals.
Curious? Tune in to the full episode for some real talk and inspiration. And if you’re looking to get even BOLDER with some personal coaching, swing by and see how we can work together here... https://hello.dubsado.com/public/form/view/62e32bc50b571daea26eb008
Stay BOLD and Be You!
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Transcript
Introduction to Women's Empowerment
00:00:00
Speaker
Welcome to the Evolution of Bold Podcast, where we celebrate the power of women and their journey to greatness. I'm your host, Vinesh Johnson, also known as the Boldness Coach. I'm excited to take you on a journey of self-discovery, empowerment, and transformation. Whether you're just starting out or well into your journey, I'm here to guide you through the challenges, help you find your purpose, and to help you let go of anything that's holding you back.
00:00:26
Speaker
So take a deep breath, relax, and get ready to dive into some juicy topics that will inspire and empower you to find your level of bold and evolve into the best version of yourself.
00:00:40
Speaker
But before we get started, let's take care of a little bit of housekeeping. Make sure that you hit the subscribe button so that you can join a community of bold women who are transforming their lives. Make sure that you hit that notification button so that as new shows are released that you get notified.
00:00:59
Speaker
and also connect with us on social media. We want to hear your journey. We want to celebrate you on the journey. We want to support you on the journey. And also when you share, you inspire other women in the community to share their journey as well. So now that we got the housekeeping out of the way, let's get into the juicy topic of today.
Societal Pressures and Personal Reflections
00:01:20
Speaker
Welcome to another episode of the podcast. I'm so glad that you came to hang out with me one more time.
00:01:28
Speaker
And today's episode is so juicy. This episode is about artificial alarm clocks. Stop calendaring your life. When I was doing research and prepping for this podcast and I came across this topic, it really sent me all the way back to early parts of my career.
00:01:52
Speaker
And I started feeling some type of way. Because what I didn't realize is that I had been up until now operating my life via an artificial alarm clock. I was calendaring everything. But here's the here's really the catcher. The stress from calendaring everything was really sending me into a tailspin. It was working me over and wearing me out.
00:02:21
Speaker
So when I was reading through the content and just getting ready, you know, for this episode, I just started remembering like all of that came back in a rush. And I'm like, if I'm feeling this way about this topic, I bet you some of my listeners are going to be filling the exact same way. So let's dive into the topic.
00:02:43
Speaker
So as usual, I want you to get you something to drink, your favorite drink, you know get you some note paper, something to write with, write on, and I want you to sit back, take a deep breath. And I'm going to be bringing vulnerability and transparency in this topic because y'all know I'll be talking about my business and putting it out there, and it's not going to change on this topic. It's going to be even more of the same. So now, let's dive into the episode.
00:03:12
Speaker
First, I want to talk about where did artificial alarm clocks
Historical Expectations on Women
00:03:16
Speaker
come from? Where did this whole construct come from? And it's really based on the invisible pressure that we put on ourselves from society, from the culture, to achieve certain things by a certain time. Just just sit with that for a second. That right there should make you sit up on the edge of your seat. All of us, all of us in society have been responsive to that construct, right? and But here's the thing, artificial alarm clocks came from external pressure. Think back you know in the day, when women really had limited choices, it was either motherhood you know or it was family, one of the two, or should I say it was marriage, it was marriage or family. So those two things is really what women
00:04:12
Speaker
had the most readily access to. And if you just think about it back in the early days, just how young women were when they got married. It was like, as soon as you got your menstrual, what they would say, you're a a woman now. And during that time period, they would marry you off with a way older man, right? And that your job was to have babies.
00:04:42
Speaker
and to take care of the house. So no wonder you know we adopted that construct you know from society because it was handed down to us generation after generation after generation. But now times have changed. And so we get to create a new narrative about how we as women want to live our lives and the timelines that we are living our lives by.
00:05:10
Speaker
But even though we're in a new timeline, we still have that old mentality lingering about what we should be doing with our lives by when. And I want you to just kind of, I want to just bring it up to you about where is this lingering in your life? You know, in part it's lingering, I'm going to pick some areas, right? In part it's lingering from your education.
00:05:36
Speaker
You know, a lot of us are taught to go to college. When you finish college, you should jump right into that career. You should get yourself with a good company, get settled in. And as soon as you get that good job with that good company and get settled in, your next step is to get married and to have babies. And it's almost like it stops right there.
00:05:59
Speaker
And a lot of us adopt to that. you know we so We stress and strive in college, you know being the best academically so that we can get that good job, um so that we can be able to get that good husband. And what they say, you know to to get married and to have ah um a.5 family, right a house with a picket fence, two-car garage, like that becomes our focal point. And we look at the timeline.
00:06:27
Speaker
And we're like, okay, I'll be finished with college you know when I'm 23, 24. You know, I should be married by the time that I'm 30. I should be engaged by the time I'm 28, 29, married by 30. Then I should have a couple of kids, you know, before I'm 35. And we should have, you know, our dream house, you know, by the time we're 40.
00:06:48
Speaker
Like just think about that. I mean, it sounds ridiculous, right? Especially nowadays when there's so many opportunities for women to advance themselves as an individual being, but also career wise and maybe even just life wise. But when you are conditioned with that construct, you know, throughout the formative years of your life, you automatically set these artificial alarm clocks.
00:07:18
Speaker
And then when you put added pressure on yourself, right? That you should be doing these things by a particular time. And when those things don't happen by a particular time, what do we start to feel like? We start to feel like we are feeling at something. Now let's add on to this family members, friends, even colleagues. They start to question our choices.
00:07:47
Speaker
They'll say things to us like, when are you going to get married? Seems like all you do is work. Do you want a family? Do you want a husband? And sometimes the pressure from colleagues, because you may see a particular woman in your environment, you know, who really wants to excel in her career, but she's opted to not take that path because of her choice.
00:08:12
Speaker
But sometimes the conversation with her will make you feel like, well, maybe I should do the choice that she's doing, right? And so we get that kind of reinforcement that something's wrong with us, that we should be moving in a particular direction, right? And even within our careers, when we look at advancement,
00:08:35
Speaker
you know, thinking that we should be, have a promotion or a title by a particular time. And if we're looking around us and we see other women that perhaps may have those titles and those roles that we aspire for, and then we look at the lifestyle that they have and we start comparing ourselves or even fashioning, you know, our timeline against theirs, thinking that if we do what they did the way they did it, then we will have what they have at the age that they have it. And and when we get to be that age, we will have that thing too. So you see how that continually kind of plays out in your mind. Now let's throw social media in here. but And you go to social media and you start looking at, you know, these different reels, you know, that are out there and you have women at particular ages talking about how much money they're making and how they're living their best life, you know, and, um,
00:09:34
Speaker
just different material things that you can have, whether it's a color organized closet, um you know organized by garments, or if you should be driving a particular car. Oh, and let's not forget these glamorous weddings, right?
00:09:53
Speaker
you know, that when you do get married, it should be over the top, right? And the the continual comparison and competition, you know, that really takes root in our mind.
Breaking Free and Setting Boundaries
00:10:05
Speaker
And even if you don't realize that this is happening, you can actually look at your life and see that you are responding to an artificial time clock because of these constructs that are around us.
00:10:20
Speaker
And I know you might be thinking, okay, Bernice, this stuff is around me. How do I get rid of this? How do I change this? Well, the first thing's first. You got to really look at your own life and you've got to look and start asking yourself, have I set some timelines for certain things in my life? And are those timelines mine or did they come outside of me?
00:10:47
Speaker
And you also get to look at, you know, what am I feeding my mind? You know, when it comes to, you know, having to achieved or be a particular thing or person by a set time, where, where am I getting this from? Is it from the culture? You know, is it from family members and friends? Is it from my work environment? Where is this coming from? And lastly, how have I adopted it in my life?
00:11:15
Speaker
Because here's the deal. Your reality is the truth of your life. So if you are finding yourself stressing out you know because you are working a lot to get a particular promotion to be seen, if you find that you are continually re-enrolling in academic programs because you feel like there's a timeline that you have to hurry up and get all your education done within this window,
00:11:41
Speaker
If you find that you are really frustrated, you know, that you don't have a social life because you are working all the time or you have set these, you know, artificial alarm clocks to do all these things and you're missing out on the joy of your life, you know, the everyday joys of your life, then those are signals to tell you, Hey, time out. So let's look at breaking down and deconstructing.
00:12:10
Speaker
these timelines, right? So let's keep in mind that in the past, in the past culture, this is where women were relegated to. That's not where we are now. That now you really do get to focus on being present in your life and realizing that you are on your own timeline and not anyone else's. It's time for you to shift the narrative, your own narrative, right?
00:12:40
Speaker
and get rid of those old timelines that have been lingering in your mind. You also got to be vigilant and recognize that cultural pressure is out there. So when you hanging out with your, with your girls and y'all just, uh, you know, doing the tea, right? Y'all talking and having a good time. Pay attention to what is being said and talked about. And if that comes up in a conversation with you and your girlfriends, and they're talking about girl, listen, I don't know when I'm going to get married girl. Listen, I don't know when I'm going to buy a house.
00:13:14
Speaker
I don't know when I'm going to be able to do anything. Or they are saying to you that they cannot do something, you know, or or have a major achievement or accomplishment because they feel like they've missed the boat on that. Or they feel like they have to do all these other extra things in order to get there. You know, stand on business with them and tell them, no sis, you are on your own timeline.
00:13:40
Speaker
As long as you have life in your body and as long as you are breathing every day, you can go at your own pace and ask them, where's this coming from? So that they can disrupt, you know, the thinking that they have and their relationship with artificial timelines.
00:14:01
Speaker
When family members start coming at you and be asking you those crazy questions like, when are you going to get married? you know When are you going to have kids? When are you going to settle down? you know um When are you going to stop working so hard? When family members come to you and ask you those questions, again, stand on business. Let them ask your questions and then say to them, you know what? I am on my own timeline and I'm happy where I am.
00:14:30
Speaker
I am not under any pressure. I am not under any stress. And when I shift and focus on that area of my life, I would shift and focus on it. But right now, this is where I am. And what I really would appreciate, here we come setting the boundary. What I really would appreciate is you to stop asking me that. And when things change, if there's a need to let you know, you'll be the first person that I'll let know.
00:14:56
Speaker
So it's important to really you know look at setting those boundaries, right? From cultural pressures. I also want you to think about the culture itself. you know Stop adopting to the way things used to be and really focus and look at being present. What is it like in life for you right now? And stop looking at social media and doing that comparison.
00:15:26
Speaker
Now listen, I know. I know how easy it is to look at these reels and and then to look at your own life, like the real of your actual life and start asking yourself questions. But I also know how wonderful it is to look at the present moment of your life and to be happy and joyous that your life is exactly the way that it is exactly and at the time that it should be. I remember um one of the pressures, and you may have heard me say this on a past podcast, one of the pressures about getting married you know ah was upon me. I was 47 when I got married, and I've only been married once up until this point, and I was 47.
00:16:17
Speaker
And I was feeling like I have had some major milestones in my life. Um, I started a company, you know, a seven figure company when I was 27 years old and and it grew to seven figures. I was traveling the world. Um, my son was, you know, in the teenage, you know, years and doing well in school, you know, with his dad. And, you know, I was driving the car that I wanted to drive, living in the community I wanted to live in.
00:16:47
Speaker
And I started feeling pressure, you know, from society and culture. Now listen, nobody called me and said, girl, you need to get married. But what I was feeling, how the pressure came to me was because I was looking outside of myself and I was looking at women by age, right? You know, coming up on 50 and I was looking at, Oh, I've done all these other things. I should hurry up and get married.
00:17:13
Speaker
you know, before I get 50. Because when I get 50, who wants to marry a 50-year-old woman, right? And part of that was the old lingering um construct, right? And so one of the reasons that I got married was because I felt like I was running out of time. And I also felt like I have had some major accomplishments in my life. Therefore,
00:17:39
Speaker
I had done all the things I wanted to do, so that was the only thing that was left that I had not done. Let me tell you something. That was so much further from the truth. It ain't even funny. And that in part you know ah contributed to the breakdown in my marriage was because I really didn't tap into myself to really get to know what was important to me and what future dreams and goals did I have for myself that I had not yet realized. I also, you know, started to realize that my choice for getting married at 47, it really wasn't about me feeling that way, but it was external pressure that I had adopted, right? And then I had taken on that pressure
00:18:32
Speaker
to be able to wear that title and to be in that role. And I think there was a little bit of pressure from friends you know who had been married, but they never were on me like that. And I never felt from them that every time I saw them, they were trying to push me to get married. Because I have some amazing friends who've been married for you know, 30 or more years, you know, some of them, I think maybe have been married 40 years. Um, but some of them have been married a long time, but they never really made me feel that way, you know, on a regular basis. And I think I kind of felt that way at times when I was with them and I was listening to the good times, you know, in their marriage and feeling like, I think I'm missing out on something. But in all honesty and transparency,
00:19:22
Speaker
that checkbox should have never been on my list as a reason to get married. That should have never been on that list. And I found that out that it shouldn't have been on my list after I went through the divorce. So I'm not saying to you that if you were to choose you know this timeline to get married, that this would happen to you. I'm just telling you my story and how I really was operating from an artificial alarm clock and how you know really embracing that kind that construct really impacted my life in a way that was really huge for me, but also detrimental for me during that time period, right?
00:20:09
Speaker
Now make no mistake, it was an amazing experience that I got to learn from. And this is one of the lessons was to not operate my life via an artificial alarm clock when it comes to relationships, when it comes to intimate relationships. Don't do that to myself.
00:20:28
Speaker
And now I've been divorced now more than 10 years. I think going on 10 years being divorced and I'm happy, you know, that I had the time you know span to be able to really recommit and to make new goals and to set a new timeline for myself. That's more realistic and in alignment with who I am at this point in my life.
00:20:54
Speaker
So make sure that you're paying attention to those cultural pressures, you know, that are out there and give yourself credit. Everyone, you know, stop feeling like you're failing because you have not achieved something by a particular time. No, you are not failing. You are just living at your own pace.
00:21:19
Speaker
Say that to yourself as often as you need to, to disrupt that way of thinking, to disrupt that emotional connection that you, you know, have with failure. And there is no such thing as failure in my opinion. They are all learning experiences for you. So no sis, I'm not going to let you walk away feeling like you fell in because you're not.
00:21:47
Speaker
you are just going at your own pace. So you say, okay, Denise, how do I get past this, right? And I just gave you some some tidbits before, but I really want you to be clear you know that women still face issues you know with artificial alarm clocks. There's still the issue of you know society, family members, and friends talking about biological clocks.
00:22:12
Speaker
There's still the issue, you know, where they're talking about career advancement or you washed up. I mean, how many times have we heard that? Even people that perhaps may have experienced that or should I say even women that have experienced that in their career saying that they washed up. But when we go back and we look at those women, they have redefined themselves.
00:22:33
Speaker
to discover they hadn't washed up. Perhaps it was just time to move along from that career level altogether. Also, I want you to challenge those social media and media portrayals, you know, where they're talking about, you know, washed up actresses or that you're too old for something, you know, to do a particular thing or to achieve a particular thing in your life, right? And I want to bring you you know back because and point out, you know, some amazing women who didn't really hit success in their lives until they got older in their lives. So when we look at Julia Childs, you know, look at how old she was before she really became this world-renowned cook. She was pretty up there. I think that um Alice Walker didn't do her first novel till she was like 49 years old.
00:23:28
Speaker
You know, we see that ah Viola Davis didn't achieve, you know, a certain level of success until her late forties. And I'm going to put myself out there. Here I am 56 years old.
00:23:41
Speaker
And I have had more achievement in my fifties in this last six years than I had in my formative years. And I think that is because I just really allowed myself to be present, to give myself some grace, you know, on the learning path and to realize that all of the prior experience that I've had in my life helped to shape me into this woman that I am today that allows me to bring clear thought, presence of mind, and where I am with the choices that are before me.
00:24:22
Speaker
So if I'm not inspirational to you, look around at some of the other amazing women that achieved success later on in their life. I think the other thing that excites me too, you know, when I look at how some women have debunked, you know, the artificial ah alarm clock, I'm excited to see women in their sixties and their seventies and even in their eighties.
00:24:47
Speaker
getting married again. I'm excited to see some of them are having the weddings of their dreams. And even some of them are having really simple weddings, but they're having what really resonates with their soul. And they are living life to the fullest. They are not you know saying that I'm too old to do this or do that. They are saying, why not?
00:25:12
Speaker
And by them saying, why not? They in essence are giving us permission, us younger women, us younger girls. They are giving us permission to go out and pursue and do the things that you want to do. We see them getting PhDs. We see them going to school with their grandchildren and sometimes their great grandchildren. We see them going to college with them.
00:25:37
Speaker
We see them starting over, um you know, in their careers. I think about Louise Hay, you know, also, and, you know, in the later years of her life, how she just reinvented herself totally. So Sis, you can do this. You can smash that alarm, that artificial alarm clock and create a new setting for yourself.
00:26:04
Speaker
So we talked about some ways to disrupt, right? That way of thinking about the artificial alarm clocks. But I also want you to start thinking about breaking free. Focus on your own path and purpose. Each one of us came here, you know, from a spirit into the physical form to contribute something to the world, to contribute to something greater than who we are. But when you focus on your path and your purpose,
00:26:33
Speaker
you start to realize that your timeline is different than everyone else's. Your experiences are different than everyone else's, even though they may have the same experience that you had, but the learning curve, right?
00:26:49
Speaker
you know, is different for them as it is for you. So you got to really start getting clear to break yourself away from, you know, having to, or feeling like you got to be on that clock. I want you to stop calendaring your life. Everything doesn't need to be counted out by a timeline.
00:27:08
Speaker
Now, I do believe in calendar calendaring some activities like vacation, you know, like, you know, maybe even going back to school and, you know, in pursuing a degree or a certificate, you know, or, you know, just maybe setting timelines for something that you really are striving for. But I don't want you to be so defined by that calendar date that it stresses you out.
00:27:32
Speaker
that you're overloading yourself. You can always move the goal post because it's your game and you set the goal post. Redefine what success looks like for you, not anybody else. So I want you to just stop and think about that because I guarantee you if you reflect back and look on your life up until this point, you probably have had so many successes that are that can show you and confirm to you, you have been moving in the right direction. But because you have been moving so fast and focusing on that calendar and that timeline, you have missed the opportunity to acknowledge the win and to celebrate yourself. So redefine your success and be present in the moment, right? Stop focusing on the future date.
00:28:31
Speaker
Life happens, things change, you change. Give yourself grace. I remember when um I was getting ready to, I wanted to do this podcast. And I mentioned this before um in a previous show that i I've been wanting to do this podcast for a long time, at least like the last 10 years. and But every time I came to sit down to do the podcast, it just never would come clear to me.
00:29:01
Speaker
And I was so frustrated because I felt like everybody else, you know, coaches and authors, you know, speakers were doing podcast shows and I should, you know, be doing one. Plus I had people coming to me around me saying you should do a podcast show. No doubt those folks loved me and they saw something in me that was really unique that I could contribute to the world. But truth be told, I wasn't really ready because I had more experiences that I had to learn.
00:29:32
Speaker
And so what I focused on was being present in the moment with my experiences. That allowed me to be able to have time for journaling so that I could capture those moments and be reflective.
00:29:44
Speaker
It also gave me time, you know, for me to really get clear about who I am and to reconnect with my passion and my purpose. And when I redefined my success, what will success look like for me? And when I became present to the experiences that I was having every day, it freed me up from having to focus on a timeline.
00:30:04
Speaker
And also I trust and believe in myself. And I also trust and believe in the universe that when the time is right, I will get that download. I will get that signal and it'll come right here, right in my soul, right? And I'll be able to fill it in my being that it's it was right it's right. And that's exactly what happened to me. And some may say, wow, it took you long enough to do it.
00:30:34
Speaker
But I say to that, nope, I am right on time. So I just want you to know that to be present and not focusing on a future deadline, you never know when it's going to be your time, right? And lastly, I want to close this out with something that I think is so important and so underrated that we never hear this enough. Sis, take a break. Give yourself a break from having to be so regimented with doing things on a particular date, a timeline, on a calendar. Take a vacation. Take a long vacation. Take time off and do nothing. Just sit and ponder. Take time off to do all of the fun, joyous things that you want to do. Here's an idea. How about you calendar some fun? How about that?
00:31:27
Speaker
How about you calendar some fun to maybe even do a staycation in your own community, in your own city? What about you just take a break and take care of yourself? Take care of your mind, take care of your heart, take care of your soul, take care of your physical being. How about you just take a break from driving yourself so hard? How about you give yourself some compassion?
00:31:58
Speaker
And just say, girl, you have been doing so well. And I love you for your drive, for your your tenacity, for your resilience. And I love you so much that I want to give you a break. How about giving yourself some compassion?
00:32:15
Speaker
And how about acknowledging the wins? I talked about those a little bit ago. How about acknowledging the small wins that you've had? And when I say small, let's get all the way down to the nitty gritty of wins that happen in today. There were so many things that you did right today. There were so many things that you accomplished today. Even if it was one thing, you did it today.
00:32:45
Speaker
So give yourself credit for just making it through the day and celebrate the win, right? And so here's the thing that I want you to, you know, be able to really embrace. Success comes at any age and success continually comes at every age. You're not out of time.
00:33:13
Speaker
you have more time than you realize to achieve the things that you want to achieve. I'm not saying put them off. You can move towards them. You can inch your way towards them. But just because you're entering your way towards them doesn't mean that you're going to run out of time to get to them. Because on your way of inching towards, you know, that achievement, that timeline, you are learning something every day. So,
00:33:41
Speaker
it's not It's not without merit that you are doing something. So I want want you to celebrate those small wins, and I want you to know that success comes at any age. And as we close out this episode, I want you to walk away with the power of owning your own journey. It's in your hands. Honor your journey. Honor your journey of life.
Owning Your Journey and Celebrating Success
00:34:08
Speaker
It's amazing to own it and to honor it. That will help you to really be happy with all of the great amazing things that are happening in your life. That will help you to realize that right now you are having success. Right now you are winning. And right now is the moment that you get to experience the joy of all of who you you are, the totality of who you are, you get to experience it right now. And i want you I want you to know that time is an ally. It is not a limitation. Time is on your side, sis, and time is your friend. Just look at me. And I'm excited you know for this this moment in my life because I feel like the best is yet to be.
00:35:02
Speaker
I have clarity of mind. I have clarity of heart. You know, I am clear that God is on my side. I am clear that I am a co-creator with God. And I am clear that all things are working out for the benefit of me and this amazing life that I'm living. And everything that I need will show up right on time.
00:35:28
Speaker
So I want to thank you for spending time with me on this episode. And I really want to hear from you. I want to hear what on your list that you are smashing that artificial alarm clock on. What's on your list that you now will release yourself from that ridiculous timeline that you set?
00:35:52
Speaker
So drop it in the chat, let me know. And remember, when you share, or you give others permission to share as well. as well You're not alone in this. Don't leave me hanging on here either. Thank you for your time and I will see you on the next episode. In the meantime, remember to strive and thrive in being bold, big and bad with no permission needed. I'll see you next episode.
00:36:19
Speaker
Thank you for joining me on today's episode of the Evolution of Bold podcast. I hope you found the conversation as inspiring and empowering as I did. It's always a pleasure to share the stories of my journey, along with those of other remarkable women who have shown us what it means to live life boldly. I'd love to know what stood out to you the most. Your feedback is really important to me. So please leave a comment in the feed or on one of our social media channels.
00:36:48
Speaker
And don't forget to hit the subscribe and notification button before you go. Stay connected with us for more insights and exclusive content. Keep evolving, stay bold, and always live your truth. Thanks for listening and stay tuned for our next show. Until next time, I'm Denise Johnson, the boldness coach, cheering you on in your journey towards your level of bold.