Become a Creator today!Start creating today - Share your story with the world!
Start for free
00:00:00
00:00:01
Ep 09: Crushing the Ambition Penalty: Bold Strategies for Ambitious Women
52 Plays1 year ago
We're tackling the "ambition penalty" that ambitious women face. I'll be breaking down those annoying societal norms and double standards that penalize us for being driven.
We'll cover how to balance ambition with femininity, set clear priorities, and even outsource some tasks to save precious time. Plus, I'll share tips on surrounding yourself with a supportive network and handling those pesky labels like "too much."
Don't let the ambition penalty dim your sparkle! 🌟 Tune in to learn how to build your "resiliency muscle" and create an ambition roadmap.
And if you want personalized guidance, check out Boldness Coaching with me here.
Stay fierce! Let’s navigate this journey together and redefine what it means to be ambitiously BOLD!
Recommended
Transcript
Introduction to the Evolution of Bold Podcast
00:00:00
Speaker
Welcome to the Evolution of Bold Podcast, where we celebrate the power of women and their journey to greatness. I'm your host, Vinesh Johnson, also known as the Boldness Coach. I'm excited to take you on a journey of self-discovery, empowerment, and transformation.
Guidance on Self-Discovery and Empowerment
00:00:16
Speaker
Whether you're just starting out or well into your journey, I'm here to guide you through the challenges, help you find your purpose, and to help you let go of anything that's holding you back.
00:00:26
Speaker
So take a deep breath, relax, and get ready to dive into some juicy topics that will inspire and empower you to find your level of bold and evolve into the best version of yourself.
Join the Bold Women Community
00:00:40
Speaker
But before we get started, let's take care of a little bit of housekeeping. Make sure that you hit the subscribe button so that you can join a community of bold women who are transforming their lives. Make sure that you hit that notification button so that as new shows are released that you get notified.
00:00:59
Speaker
and also connect with us on social media. We want to hear your journey. We want to celebrate you on the journey. We want to support you on the journey. And also when you share, you inspire other women in the community to share their journey as well. So now that we got the housekeeping out of the way, let's get into the juicy topic of today. Welcome back to another episode of the podcast. I am so glad you're here.
00:01:25
Speaker
Today's topic is something that I came across as I was researching, reading, or listening to something. And the phrase jumped out at me and I was like, oh, let me figure out what this really is about.
00:01:42
Speaker
As I started peeling the layers back and doing research, as and I was reading about just the the topics and the themes of it, I was like, oh yeah, this has to come to the podcast couch.
Exploring the Ambition Penalty
00:01:55
Speaker
The topic today that we're talking about is the Ambition Penalty. And I know you're probably thinking like, wait, the what? It is called the Ambition Penalty.
00:02:08
Speaker
I was scratching my head too, sis, when I first heard about it. But let me tell you about what the ambition penalty is really about. It's a topic that that explores the challenges women face as they pursue ambitious goals. So whether in their careers, personal development, or entrepreneurial ventures, women are often categorized, you know, in this area.
00:02:35
Speaker
The concept is really rooted in societal and cultural norms that often really make women feel like something's wrong with them for being assertive, driven, and goal oriented. In contrast, you know, men are encouraged to really display the same traits that we're going to talk ah about that women are typically penalized for.
00:03:03
Speaker
So it's really an interesting topic. Some of the themes that we're going to explore in the podcast is cultural expectations versus ambition, double standards in the workplace, social penalties and personal life, internalized barriers. And we're also going to look at how do you overcome the ambition penalty.
Strategies to Overcome the Ambition Penalty
00:03:26
Speaker
Listen, this episode is about you embracing your ambition fully and understanding the challenges that you might face and finding strategies to so to continue pushing forward. So, sis, you know I am going to bring vulnerability and transparency because I got some stories to add to this topic.
00:03:50
Speaker
So I want you to go ahead, grab you something to write with and take notes on, grab your favorite drink, sit back, relax, because this is about to get juicy.
Historical Impact on Women's Ambition
00:04:03
Speaker
So let's dive into cultural expectations versus ambition. So historically, society you know has really been in the forefront of shaping the role of women, especially in the workplace.
00:04:19
Speaker
and really around women and their ambition. Society really has been kind of more traditionally focusing women on roles of motherhood, caretaking, and domestic responsibilities. I mean, we can go all the way back, you know, until the 1900s where this is traditionally where we've seen women, you know, display their skill sets, right?
00:04:43
Speaker
But ultimately as women have progressed and society has progressed, the conflict started to come up that, you know, as women really wanted to become more ambitious, you know, in their lives and in their careers, that society started to say, hmm,
00:05:00
Speaker
You're not so much of a woman, you know, or you're less feminine if you're seen outside the house doing anything other than motherhood, caretaking, or domestic responsibilities. And then society started to criticize women for not being nurturing enough, you know, or for choosing career over a family.
00:05:23
Speaker
Now, just think about that for a moment. You know, even in 2024, I think that we all can agree this is something that is still prevalent today. You know, the media portrays ambitious women and like, you know, ambitious women are cold, they're unlikable, they're not approachable, they have a lot of masculine energy.
Embracing Femininity and Ambition
00:05:47
Speaker
I mean, just really think about it. When I look at stories on Instagram, you know, there's a whole, whole movement, you know, on, you know, women trying to step into the femininity or women, you know, who want to live the soft life. It's like women are really pressing hard to be able to demonstrate to society that I can be this feminine woman and do all of the ambitious things that I want to do.
00:06:20
Speaker
But I really want you to start thinking about it. Is that the best way to be able to demonstrate that you are a woman that's well-rounded, you know, by taking a stance and showing videos, or could it be possibly in you taking a stand in how you express yourself as you move through your life, you know, in your careers, in your entrepreneurial endeavors, and even in motherhood?
00:06:48
Speaker
So there's also been this expectation of work-life balance that's typically been placed on women, but not on men. I mean, when's the last time you heard a man say he is trying to have work-life balance?
00:07:03
Speaker
In all of my years of career coaching, I think I've probably, and and I would say over the last 20 plus years, I think I may have encountered that once or twice where a man you know really said to me, he wants to have more balance in his life because he wants to spend more time with his family. Now listen, man, don't come for me.
00:07:25
Speaker
because I'm not saying that men don't want work-life balance, but what we typically hear is women talking about pursuing work-life balance. And that's still a hot button because women, you know, have been continually an arc and are continually being penalized by society and cultural norms that if they're pursuing their career too much,
00:07:52
Speaker
that they are sacrificing being a loving wife, being a loving mother, being a loving a loving family member. So cultural expectations versus ambition is really just been an ongoing hot button. But I want to give you some strategies to overcome this. So really start looking at redefining feminine ambition. You get to reclaim your ambition as a trait that doesn't conflict with femininity.
00:08:22
Speaker
You know, there are lots of women that we see, you know, in media, you know, in society that really are living a well-rounded life based on what they've shared with us. we've We have heard stories from women share their ups and downs. We've heard women to share their triumphs in their lives about how they are bringing balance to having, you know, being the caretaker, the mother, you know, and also managing domestic responsibilities while pursuing their heart's desire.
00:08:52
Speaker
while living in their passion. There's no shortage around us, but I'm gonna need you to open your eyes and really look at women doing these amazing things in their lives. Now, make no mistake, I am not saying ah or implying that women that are well-rounded in their lives and they are just bucking cultural expectations you know that they don't really think about those things or that this woman is a superwoman.
00:09:20
Speaker
But what I really want you to be able to open your eyes to see is that there are ways to be able to really still pursue you know your your career goals and your endeavors while you are balancing life with your ambition. Especially in this day and age when there are so many resources and tools that you can pull in to use that can help you to um be able to pursue those endeavors but also have time with family and not so much time spending doing domesticated type of work, right? You also gotta set clear prior priorities. Listen, be unapologetic about your choices. You don't need to succumb or submit to traditional roles if those roles don't align with your goals.
00:10:09
Speaker
Some of the things that I've done in my life to support my ambition is I have really engaged outside services. So one of the things that I do is I send my laundry out to be done. Why? Because I don't want to spend the time doing my laundry when I could spend my time being available for family members and friends. Because laundry takes hours to do. And listen, I'm one person, but I got a lot of laundry.
00:10:39
Speaker
Because I work out, you know, I'm in meetings, um you know, even though I work from home some of the time, there are other times when I'm actually out front facing with customers and networking event, you know, and traffic coming and going in the kitchen, cooking, listen, there's a lot going on over here. But what I did was I...
00:11:00
Speaker
to back and I evaluated my life and I looked to see where's the opportunity to give me time back so that I can really be present for the things that I love to do.
00:11:15
Speaker
And that meant that I needed to look around to see where I needed help. So sending my laundry out really is a big plus to me. It does not cost an arm and a leg to be able to do that. The next thing on my list that I'm going to be engaging in is having um a housekeeping service, a house cleaning service to come at least once a month to do deep cleaning.
00:11:36
Speaker
Because listen, that takes a lot of time. And I want my time back to be able to spend with family members and friends. And the last thing that I did um on my list to give myself time back is I found me a really great handyman.
00:11:53
Speaker
And listen, when things you know need to be fixed around here, I don't you know scratch my head trying to figure out ah what I need to do. I am not spending time on YouTube watching videos, um trying to figure out step by step how to do something when I actually can engage somebody that that's their purpose, that's their passion, and they love to do it. And typically what I do is I would you know create like a list of tasks.
00:12:20
Speaker
that need to be done so that when my handyman comes over, then you know that way all of those items you know that are on my checklist can get done. so I just really want you to think about getting clear about your priorities and auditing your life to see what are things that you can that you can outsource for somebody else to get done.
00:12:42
Speaker
And I want you to also sound surround yourself with people of the women you know that are in the network of redefining cultural expectations. That's what really inspired me when I really looked at my circle and you know I was and was sharing with some of the women in in my circle, some of my friends, about what my thoughts were to bring in you know domestic support,
00:13:06
Speaker
outsourcing my laundry, definitely having a handyman on call. They were looking at me like, oh, I've been doing that for the last two years. I was sitting there like, what? And you didn't say nothing? And they were like, it just never came up. So sometimes you know the women that we admire and see, they have strategies that are in place behind the scenes.
00:13:29
Speaker
that they aren't talking about. And I don't think they're necessarily keeping secrets, but perhaps they're not talking about it because it has become now a normal way of being. And so no wonder they can spend time with families and friends and be present with them because they are employing strategies to overcome cultural expectations and ambition. So when you employ and engage some of these tools and techniques in your life, start talking to to other women.
00:13:58
Speaker
Start sharing women in your circle and give other women the opportunity to be able to find that balance that's so important to them. Next, I want to talk about the perception of too much. For those of you that are listening, I got my air quotes up on that one. So have you ever heard this before that you have been told that you are too much?
00:14:25
Speaker
that you are assertive, that you're vocal, that you're highly driven, um you've been labeled before, be about you've been labeled under the label of being aggressive, bossy, or difficult, right? I'm gonna tell you something. I have been labeled as being too much. And here are a couple of funny stories. um I was dating this gentleman back in the day, but And there were certain times, you know, when we would spend time together and, or there were certain times that I would share with him some experiences that I had had, um, you know, with, um, either something happening in my career, something happening with the client or perhaps something happening just in passing, right? Um, just out and about. And when I would share those stories with him, there were times when he would say, you know, you just doing too much. You don't take all of that.
00:15:20
Speaker
And I kind of laughed it off, you know, because I didn't really, number one, understand what he meant when he was saying I was doing too much. Um, and then the other part of me felt like, well, I mean, that's not too much. This is who I am and I don't think I need to justify this one way or the other.
00:15:40
Speaker
And another um area where I was labeled too much, but it was implied you know that it was too much that I was too much, was there was a time I went out um with some friends of mine, and this was a long time ago. And you know when the friend called me to invite me out,
00:15:58
Speaker
She said, you know, um, when we get together, it's just going to be real casual just so that, you know, you know, you don't have to be all in your boldness. You can just be casual. And I just kind of paused and, you know, I took a little bit of a deep breath and I said to her, what do you mean? I don't need to be in all my boldness. Like this is how I dress. I don't know any other way that I would need to show up.
00:16:28
Speaker
other than being myself with my colors, with my style. And she was like, well, you know, I mean, okay, I just wanted to let you know. And, you know, that just got me to thinking, not only in reflection to what she had said to me, but also in reflection to what that gentleman had said to me.
00:16:46
Speaker
And neither one of them are right or wrong or so or am I sitting in their judgment. But what it really made me think about is how many times do we dim our lights, you know, to be around people to make them feel comfortable? How many times do we edit ourselves?
00:17:07
Speaker
you know, edit our behaviors or avoid opportunities because it may make somebody else feel comfortable, uncomfortable. But here's the deal. If my brightness makes you feel uncomfortable, so that's about you. That's not about me. And it's important that I step into every room knowing that I am here to take up space. I am here to disrupt the status quo.
00:17:38
Speaker
Now, how I take up space you know can be different. Sometimes I take up space by my energy. you know Sometimes I take up space by my assertiveness, my willingness to speak up, my willingness to go to the front of the room, my willingness to ask questions. And sometimes I take up space you know in my personal appearance because I take up space owning my style.
00:18:07
Speaker
So I just want you to think about, are you in a place where somebody perhaps has indicated to you that you're being too much and you are fearful of rejection, you're fearful of the backlash, and you're like, I really don't want people to judge me if I am displaying my ambitionly my ambition openly.
00:18:30
Speaker
you know If someone tells you to tone it down, Start to qualify. What do they mean? Don't just automatically internalize that and say, oh, okay. And you start self-selecting, you know, or start self-editing. I would encourage you to ask them, when you say tone it down, what does that mean? And allow them to be able to share with you what is it that they mean? And once they shared with you, then continue to have open dialogue with them.
00:19:02
Speaker
And basically ask them, so are you asking me to not be my authentic self? And I guarantee you that person's going to say, no, no, no, so I do want you to be yourself. Then you say, good. I'm glad that you are agreeing that I should be my authentic self.
00:19:26
Speaker
And all of this is my authentic self. So really learn to link concept, challenge that notion, embrace it as a sign of power, of boldness and leadership.
00:19:43
Speaker
And I really want you to start talking about other women that you've seen thrive by refusing to dim their lights. Look for women that are kind of in your inner circle that perhaps are displaying this or demonstrating this, but also look at some of the other women that you admire that really are ambitious in their career. And as look as some people in society would say, they're doing the most.
00:20:11
Speaker
You know, because they could be really good examples for you you know took for you to give yourself permission to step out to do the most. Challenge the stereotypes.
00:20:26
Speaker
You know, it's really important that we get to dismantle stereotypes as women. This is the only way that we are going to shift and create new perspectives, new societal norms, new cultural norms about women owning their boldness. This is the only way that we are going to dismantle that women need to shrink themselves when they come into a room or when they pursue opportunities.
00:20:55
Speaker
So it's up to us, ladies, to be able to shift and create new perspectives around this. You also get to really look at your mindset. You get to shift your mindset instead of fearing rejection, adopt a mindset that those who criticize your ambition, they are not aligned with your goals.
00:21:20
Speaker
When you are in the inner circle, in the energy, in the space of other women who look like you, sounds like you, show up like you, now I'm not saying that those women are trying to be you or that you're trying to be them, but really when you are in and an environment where women are operating from their authenticity, it gives you permission to stand in and operate from your own authenticity. And if your authenticity is to take up space, sis, take up space. Let's talk about double standards in the workplace. And y'all know that is still happening today.
00:22:05
Speaker
But, you know, I really want to bring to light how men are often praised for being assertive while women are labeled difficult for similar behavior. I mean, just think about this, um especially now when we're in this heated presidential race, right? You know, we've got um you know Kamala Harris that is racing against Donald Trump. And she is very assertive. And she has a lot of the character traits that we all you know could admire you know from a leadership perspective. But the media, is looking as well as her opponent, is looking for every opportunity to really paint her as this overly aggressive you know type of person.
00:22:56
Speaker
while the opponent is is displaying the same type of behaviors that she is displaying. But yet and still, a lot of people in cultural norms and society are really looking at her as if, could she really hold the highest office you know in the land? And of course the answer is yes.
00:23:20
Speaker
You know, that and it's important for us to really look at and be mindful and be prepared to dismantle and stand against double standards that are happening in the workplace. The ambition penalty plays out also in unequal pay. It plays out in promotion opportunities and leadership roles, just like the one that I mentioned.
00:23:46
Speaker
So women often get penalized you know for um wanting to go to the next level you know and pursue a promotion. So women are, you know their skills are downplayed, their intellect is downplayed. And oftentimes when women you know go into spaces that you know are more male predominant and perhaps more or white male, you know you know, dominated, you know, women are looked to do secretarial things like take notes, you know, um be seen and not heard, you know, not to interrupt, you know, or to keep their points or thoughts to themselves or communicate them through another man that perhaps is in the room or at the table.
00:24:34
Speaker
And I'm sure that at some point we all can say that we've been in those spaces. But I really want you now to have the awareness that when we are in these spaces and we see this happening, they are really trying to penalize our ambition. So really see it as an opportunity to step up.
00:24:54
Speaker
So you you might be saying, well, how do I position myself you know to really dismantle you know equal pay in my environment? How do I really become assertive you know and go after those promotional opportunities? Well, the things that I want you to do is to start really advocating for yourself. That's number one. Sis, nobody's coming to save you.
00:25:19
Speaker
No one is going to step up and say that, hey, Venise should get more money because of what she's contributed to the organization. I know that you think that head down working hard is you know one of the strategies to get promoted and get an increase in your salary because somebody will see you. I know that you're thinking, perhaps, well, Venise, I'm putting in all these extra hours, and I'm taking on all of these projects.
00:25:45
Speaker
And I'm really making a difference in the bottom line of my department and the organization. So somebody is going to see me and they're going to reward me for it. Let me be the news flash for you. ah No, they're not. So you are going to have to really learn to negotiate and advocate for your own salary you know increases and for those promotional opportunities. It's important for you to create a professional brand that communicates leadership.
00:26:15
Speaker
One of the things that I used to do very early in my career, and I don't even know how I came about learning how to do this strategy. ah Something popped up in my spirit, and I started doing this like in my late 20s, early 30s. I started keeping you know kind of a brag book, so to speak.
00:26:34
Speaker
and I started you know every week. By the end of the week on Fridays, I would spend, before I closed out for you know the week, I would take some time and write out my highlights from that week. I was in sales um before I started my first business and I would be out in the field a lot and I had a lot of you know front-facing with customers.
00:26:57
Speaker
And my boss wasn't with me didn't go on sales calls with me my boss didn't go to client meetings with me so my boss had no idea how i was closing these deals so i started documenting you know how i was closing these deals.
00:27:17
Speaker
and And when I did that every week, it gave me an opportunity to really see like, wow, I am really good at this. And as I started to collect the data on my own successes, when I started to collect the data of my own contributions, I was able to take that to the annual review.
00:27:42
Speaker
And I laid out to my boss you know just you know the different timelines and also the impact that I made monthly.
00:27:53
Speaker
Yes, the organization was reaching revenue goals, but those revenue goals were kind of um aggregated with other employees in the company. So I extracted the data out of the aggregated data so that I could point out what my specific contribution was you know in certain areas.
00:28:16
Speaker
I was able to talk about the number of new contracts that I brought in. I was able to talk about the the contract that the contracts that were being renewed. So I actually stood on business and I became the advocate for my own self to really negotiate and position myself for what I was about to ask for. So it's important that you keep track of your achievements.
00:28:45
Speaker
Not only keep track of them, it's important you communicate your achievements. You don't have to wait too till an annual review to do that. you know Set up times and meetings with your boss once a quarter or with your team lead once a quarter and talk about your successes and accomplishments. Even set goals and then come back and review those goals you know after a period of time so that way You can start demonstrating to them that you're keeping track of the data, but also that you are keenly aware of the value that you bring to that particular role.
00:29:25
Speaker
So I just want you to put that at the forefront. And I'm gonna close that story out by saying that when I did that, um collected my data back in the time that data that time period before I started my my first business, I actually got a 15% increase in my salary.
00:29:44
Speaker
And that at that time was the largest increase that anyone had received in their office for quite some time. I was so proud of myself. And I was like, is that what I got to do going forward? So I adopted that strategy you know going you know moving forward in my career to always keep track of my achievements and communicate them confidently when I am talking to decision makers and influencers inside the organization.
00:30:13
Speaker
Now I want to give you one more tip because I'm self-employed now, right? And I have been for almost 29 years, but I still advocate to myself for myself. And you might say, well, why do you do that for yourself? You know, because I'm part of society, right? And sometimes we will bring those double standards into our own entrepreneurial role. And we will start short changing ourselves because of what we've adapted from society.
00:30:43
Speaker
And I had to remind myself of how amazing I am through my achievements and ultimately give myself an increase.
00:30:56
Speaker
And I'm going to tell y'all that was probably one of the highlights. if If I had to look back over the last three to five years of my career, that would be in my top five highlights is that I advocated for myself to myself and really recognized what I was bringing to the table. And I rewarded my ambition. I rewarded my own ambition by giving myself a promotion and an increase.
00:31:23
Speaker
So sis, listen, you don't have to wait for anybody else to do that for you. You can do it for yourself. I also want you to find mentors and find sponsors. You know, mentors are really important, especially when you are trying to find your way. Because sometimes when we're trying to do this in an isolated environment, when we isolate ourselves from talking about our ambition, you know, and our feelings or our fear around ambition to other women, we lose out.
00:31:58
Speaker
If we dim our own light when we hide behind the greatness of who we are, a mentor can help you to strategize and bring that to the forefront. A sponsor can advocate for you. They can advocate for you and your career growth behind closed doors, you know, to other people that may not necessarily be recognizing you.
00:32:21
Speaker
or other people that may not really understand and see the value, you know, your achievements, your contributions. So these relationships are very critical in breaking through workplace double standards. So SIS, find you an internal mentor. Find you a sponsor within the organization, within the industry. Make it your business to create really your advocacy team.
00:32:50
Speaker
And next, I want you to speak up about biases, call out double standards, and call it out in a way that's constructive but firm, and discuss ways to create allies who can support these calls for fairness.
00:33:07
Speaker
I remember one time I was working for this outplacement firm and I was working really hard and I was you know um had the opportunity to um pursue you know different advancement roles where I could develop my skill set you know a little bit deeper.
00:33:28
Speaker
I was really intentional on pursuing opportunities that ah it allowed me to enhance my professional brand. And so after I had collected the data, And I went to you know the person of the department at that time, and he happened to be a man. And as I was talking to him, you know what I was saying to him was that I had all of these different territories that I was now being and invited to go and to train, you know to to deliver different types of corporate training programs.
00:34:02
Speaker
And I said, however, the amount of time that I'm having to put in and traffic, the amount of gas, you know, that I'm spending the wear and tear of my car, you know, instead of, you know, getting my brakes changed, you know, once a year, I found myself getting my brakes changed like every six months. I found myself getting new tires like every six to nine months. Like, you know, it became expensive.
00:34:27
Speaker
You know to expand territory early and so when i was talking to him he listen to me and he sat there quietly and after i finish my spiel to him my presentation to him he's.
00:34:42
Speaker
ah to me, you know, Denise, um, nobody around here is getting a raise and that includes me. So, um, therefore this is just what's happening in the company. And this is just the norm that, you know, you will have to contribute at this level. And so I waited for him to patiently finish speaking.
00:35:03
Speaker
And I said to him, first thing came out was, I don't care about what other people are not doing. I'm not here to advocate for other people. I'm here to advocate for myself. And he kind of set up in his chair, because I don't think he's ever had anybody that responded to him like that, right? And listen, y'all, I don't know where that came from, but I'm going to tell you, I had some moxie in me that day. And then secondly, what I told him was, you know um I appreciated his response, but going forward going forward, that I would be declining to go and provide staffing support in these other territories
00:35:41
Speaker
due to the fact that the cost of me getting there to deliver it and the income that I was earning from going there to deliver it wasn't equitable. So you can give those opportunities to someone else who may find them valuable. And he just kind of looked at me and he was like, okay. And I said, thank you for your time. And I got up and walked out of the office.
00:36:05
Speaker
Even though I did not receive the increase, what really the reward for me was, was that I stood up and I advocated for myself. I went in with the data of how much it's costing me to deliver for you, and that this really was a one-sided relationship. It was not equitable.
00:36:27
Speaker
Ultimately, I left that company, right? but i you know And I know that some of you may be thinking or saying, well, Vanessa, I'm not in the position to leave the company you're not right now because of A, B, and C. I'm not telling you to walk off your job. But what I am telling you is that you know really step into your power of of advocacy, right?
00:36:48
Speaker
really step into the power of you learning how to stand up and stand on business when it comes to really calling double standards out. I really want you to stand up and lean in that development and intentional professional branding communicating it has some value to you not only in the short term but it also has some value for you in the long term.
00:37:18
Speaker
So let's talk about social penalties and personal life. This one gets kind of interesting and definitely hits closer to home. ambition Ambitious women are often told that they are intimidating to potential romantic partners or accused of choosing work over personal relationships. I mean, have you ever had that experience before?
00:37:41
Speaker
I definitely had that experience when I was married and that ultimately became a thorn you know in my then husband's side. That also ultimately led in part to the divorce.
00:38:00
Speaker
is because i the ambition that attracted you know him to me or that he was attracted by ultimately became something that he revered in me. And I remember being in a therapy session you know with him and he said to the therapist, you don't know what it's like to be married to Michael Jordan. And he's he looked at me and then he looked at the yeah therapist He says if she makes up her mind and says she wants something, she is going after it. And before you know it, she has what she wants and what she wanted or what she set her sights on, right?
00:38:41
Speaker
And my response to him in the therapy session was, here's the challenge you know with the Michael Jordan theory. right Is that when you see a person you know really in their ambition and you see them in their achievement, you see them at the end of it.
00:38:59
Speaker
But what you fail to see is all of the practice time that was put into really um leading yourself towards getting to the ultimate result of the achievement. And it may look easy on the outside. You know you might interpret that as, well, Vinice said she wanted to do this thing and ta-da, it was done. But that that's your interpretation.
00:39:26
Speaker
But when I break down to you, the time, the effort, the strategy, the meetings, you know, all of the false starts, all of the A-B testing, when I broke all of that down so that he could be able to see, there actually is a process, you know, for achieving the things that I achieved. It really kind of made him take notice. But at that point, the damage was done.
00:39:55
Speaker
So I really want to encourage you that, you know, if you have a partner, a romantic partner, and they are accusing you of choosing work, you know, over personal relationships, or if there is some level of intimidation, I'm not saying that you should break up with that partner. But I really want you to think about what level are you choosing partnership on?
00:40:19
Speaker
And I will be the first to say that I chose that partnership from a level of brokenness. I chose that partnership from a level of um a lack of confidence in my own self. And I chose that partnership when I really didn't embrace the fullness and the wholeness of my boldness.
00:40:45
Speaker
And ultimately, that partner mirrored back to me the things that I felt were inadequate about myself. And even though that partner didn't say that to me, that is how I showed up in that relationship.
00:41:01
Speaker
So I encourage you to, you know if it's worth it to you, I encourage you to really look at ways to get some therapy and some counseling, some couples counseling, as well as some individual therapy about if you're feeling that way about yourself and you're finding that you have to defend your ambition to your partner.
00:41:25
Speaker
If you're finding that that becomes a heated topic, that you're choosing work over you know other personal relationships, that begs the opportunity to bring in clarity around what does that look like and mean for all parties that are involved. And you can choose from there.
00:41:44
Speaker
Sometimes friendships shift. You know, when women start achieving success, ask it could lead to isolation or a feeling of being unsupported by your peers. I've been through that as well. A lot of my friends um I'm married, and I am one of the single friends. and so My world looks ah very different you know than what my married friends' worlds look. right and you know um I'm really driven, I'm very ambitious, and not that my friends aren't.
00:42:20
Speaker
But the the time frame for me being able to continue to stay in the energy of of driving things forward, the time frame for me to stay in the energy of being ambitious may be outside of the time frame for some of my friends.
00:42:38
Speaker
And I found myself at different junctures feeling like I'm out here by myself. And it's not that my friends don't love me or support me. That's not necessarily true. But what I learned is that I needed to go connect with other ambitious women who had a lifestyle that was similar to my lifestyle.
00:42:58
Speaker
because that allowed me to have the support system and the camaraderie to be able to you know honor my goals and to not only receive mutual support, but to provide mutual support. So girl, get out there, you know start developing new new connections, start developing new friendships, new relationships that you can support, but as well can support you.
00:43:25
Speaker
Also, if you've been experiencing guilt or judgment from family or social circles for not really adhering to those traditional timelines, you know, our family members sometimes, especially if they are in traditional roles, they're married, they have kids,
00:43:42
Speaker
um you know they've got school activities and sports and they just got a whole situation going on they got church you know and what have you and you don't have that lifestyle sometimes they they try and make you feel bad And sometimes they're very direct about it, you know like asking you questions like, you know when you gonna get married? Are you working so hard that you can't get married? you know Are you so ambitious that you're pushing man away and you're not able to let a man be a man? I mean, sometimes you know those questions and those conversations are very hurtful.
00:44:18
Speaker
um Sometimes if you haven't had children yet you know ah family members may say to you what you wait now you know um sometimes you know your mom might say you know i'm just waiting on grand babies you know waiting on you maybe you have a before i die before i get too old but you gotta keep in mind that.
00:44:38
Speaker
Number one is that family members and friends, we got different lifestyles. And some of the family members and you know um relatives that you have, they operate from different cultural norms. And those cultural norms perhaps work for them, or they've agreed to them, and they've created a life all around that. But that's their life. It's not your life. So I really want you to release the guilt.
00:45:08
Speaker
you know, and release the expectations that other people have of you. And that may be you telling them that, you know what? I'm on my timeline. I'm not on your timeline. So that pressure is not wanted or welcomed here. Take that someplace else.
00:45:26
Speaker
Cause sis, you can't park it here. And you may need to have a heart to heart conversation, you know, with them, especially if it's someone that you have a really great relationship. You may need to tell them, listen, when you say those things to me, you know, it really is hurtful to me and it makes it seem as if my being ambitious, you know, that me being intentional about what I want from my life isn't important.
00:45:55
Speaker
And it seems like you don't value the fact that I value myself. So sometimes we have to have those come to Jesus moments to tell someone that it's hurtful to us. And if you find that, you know what, Venise, that sounds good, but that is not realistic, then I want you to look at journaling to get it out. Don't let that hold inside of you and bottle that up because that could impact your ambition, right?
00:46:23
Speaker
you know, perhaps seek therapy around it, or you may look at joining a peer discussion group, you know, with other women who are have similar experiences so that you can learn how to embrace and own your choices. Just something to think about, sis. Let's talk about another one of these theme areas, um internalized barriers. Now, this one is really tricky because guess what?
00:46:54
Speaker
We often put ourselves you know in this space of ambition penalty, right? Imposter syndrome is one of the ways that we do it. When we're constantly second guessing what comes you know with the feelings of being a feeling undeserved for our success, when we start second guessing our intelligence, when we start feeling like, I don't really deserve this,
00:47:22
Speaker
that impostor syndrome can set in so heavy. And this really comes from you know having limited beliefs. you know So women, we internalize this. When you find you know um you're yourself saying to yourself, I'm not good enough, or this is too good to be true, or that you know this kind of success isn't meant for me, you know you really have to get into shifting of reframing.
00:47:53
Speaker
and honoring yourself, tell yourself, this is so good for me and it's good to me and that Success is mine. You get to define what success really looks like for you and what success means for you and means to you. Success isn't always about money. Sometimes success is, I got the project done. Good job, girl. You know, success could mean that I showed up, I leaned in, I owned my truth, I participated, and I shut it down.
00:48:33
Speaker
Success could mean that I disrupted you know um in an environment of bias because I stood up and I advocated for myself. So there's an opportunity to bring presence, bring awareness and mindfulness when we are we're creating internal barriers. They're very harmful to us.
00:48:58
Speaker
Right? Fear of success can hold us back sometimes. Because there are times when there's pressure to succeeding and you start questioning yourself, can I respond to these pressures? There are times when, you know, we may find ourselves in a place where we don't have examples, you know, of what success and ambition looks like in our inner circle. So we second can guess guess ourselves as to if we really can do this. But I really want to encourage you to start practicing daily affirmations, start doing visualization techniques so that you can start to imagine yourself on the other side of success. I want you to start embodying the feeling of what success will feel like in your body.
00:49:57
Speaker
I want you to start, you know, affirming yourself step by step by step. And what I mean with that is when you accomplish one task, stop and acknowledge yourself and say, girl, that was good. Like, wow. And celebrate yourself. I want you to also do some mirror work. Talk to yourself in the mirror.
00:50:24
Speaker
and tell yourself how amazing you are. Tell yourself how intelligent you are. And tell yourself, girl, you can do this because last time this is what you did and look at how it turned out. Reflect on some past accomplishments and achievements that you really like, wow, I couldn't believe that I was going to be able to achieve it at that level, but you knocked it out the park.
00:50:58
Speaker
You don't have to be fearful of success. When you define success on your own terms, then you can respond to it on your own terms. And self-sabotage is another result of internalized messaging you know that comes to us through society and also from the culture because they start telling us what we should be doing you know versus us really pursuing the ambition that's at hand for us. That's why it's so important sometimes to keep your business to yourself.
00:51:37
Speaker
Listen sis, you cannot be running and telling everybody about your ambitious goals. It's not that everybody can't be happy for you or won't be happy for you, but it depends on what space that individual is in in their own life. Sometimes you just gotta to learn how to keep a good secret.
00:52:00
Speaker
And that's one of the things that I really have learned just over the past couple of years. I was the type of person that I overshared a lot about my ambition, my thoughts, my goals, and things that I wanted to do um and the way that I was going to do those things. And sometimes the questions were like, well, how are you going to do this?
00:52:22
Speaker
But you don't have X, Y, and Z. And then what if they found out that you don't have X, Y, and Z? And you don't have the support to do that. Or where's the money going to come from for you to be able to do that? And sometimes I don't think that people were intentionally trying to, you know, um give me pause. And sometimes I think they were because it just wasn't how they saw themselves. And they didn't want me to go off and leave them in the space where they were.
00:52:51
Speaker
But I also learned to keep a secret because I wanted to be able to prove to myself. I wanted to be able to be the advocate of myself and affirm myself step by step, and also to celebrate the small wins that would help me to ultimately build the confidence. So keeping the secret sis about some of the ambitious things that you want to do for yourself,
00:53:20
Speaker
can be very rewarding. Break the cycle of self-doubt, stand on business, and don't play about you. Now let's talk about the last theme on our list, overcoming the ambition penalty.
00:53:39
Speaker
The importance of resilience and persistency persistence and pushing through you know you know through your your ambitions and your challenges are so important.
00:53:52
Speaker
developing your resiliency muscle is just gonna really support you and moving forward. And we all know that we're more resilient than we give ourselves credit for, right? But you may be thinking, you know, the ambition penalty can be heavy. How do I develop resiliency and how do I really develop my persistence? Create your own ambition roadmap.
00:54:19
Speaker
these This is a set of personal rules or strategies that really align with your authenticity. They align with your goals and your values so that when you find yourself facing resistance, that you can look back at your own ambitions ambitious map. Sorry, I'm like butchering this word. You can find yourself you know really looking back at this is my ambition roadmap.
00:54:46
Speaker
And you may line that road map with positive affirmations. You may line that road map with ah ways to celebrate you know small wins. You may also line your road map with um time with mentors and sponsors. So really, gird yourself up.
00:55:09
Speaker
when you do create your Ambition Map or you could create your Ambition Checklist. But I think it's really helpful to have something tangible that you can visually go back and take a look at and say, you know what, I can see where I have been moving forward. And that can be very helpful you know in really affirming you know your resiliency and also helping you to stay persistent and stay on the course.
00:55:39
Speaker
You also gotta maintain authenticity, you know, and stay out of the trap of ah playing small. I think that's something that we easily can slip into is playing small because it's comfortable. It's it's what you are familiar with.
00:55:57
Speaker
But I really want you to step out and challenge yourselves. And I'm going to give you you know um some homework that that will keep you out of playing small. And at least it'll start you you know out the gate from playing small.
00:56:13
Speaker
And then I also want you to think about setting personal brand boundaries and protecting your your mental health and also your wellbeing. You know, one of the strategies that I shared with you on the last tip was learn to keep a secret.
00:56:29
Speaker
You know, really set personal boundaries to keep people out your business because it ain't none of their business. Learn to um set boundaries in terms of what you share with people, but also look at ways in terms of boundaries of overworking yourself to please other people.
00:56:49
Speaker
trying to get external validation you know for you to move forward. um you know Really set boundaries ah around spending too much time in areas that really don't align with your goals. And look at where you're spending your energy.
00:57:07
Speaker
Because when we are overspending our energy, we're overextending ourselves, it takes away from the ability to stay in alignment with our ambition.
00:57:20
Speaker
It really zaps our resiliency, it tires us out, and it could keep us from being persistent. So I want you to really look at setting personal boundaries and protect your mental health. You know, I mentioned before about journaling may be helpful to you, joining a peer group may be helpful to you, or seeking therapy may be helpful to you.
00:57:44
Speaker
by all means and any means necessary, protect your mental health. You also got to look at your well-being, sis. You've got to look at how are you taking care of your body. You know, I mentioned that in several other podcasts, and you'll hear me mention this um going forward as well. It's important to take care of your well-being. Get your exercise. Get your sleep.
00:58:13
Speaker
You know, continue learning. Put yourself in environments where other amazing ambition women network. Make sure that you you audit your friendships. Make sure you audit your personal relationships. Some people, some relationships need to go. Cause they're getting in the way of you really striving to become your highest self.
00:58:42
Speaker
And lastly, I want you to find a community. And that's, in essence, what I was just talking about. But I want to make sure that when you find the right community, you know, make sure that they can give you emotional and strategic support. It's nothing like having, you know, a community where you can talk to people and they are like, I know exactly what you're talking about. Been there before and done that.
00:59:09
Speaker
no
Striving for Success Beyond the Ambition Penalty
00:59:10
Speaker
There's nothing like having a community when you can um when you come across setbacks and they can help you to navigate the setbacks and the challenges that come with being ambitious. You can overcome the ambition penalty and you can make this a thing of the past you know, as you move forward to the next level in your life and in your career. Sis, you got this. So Sis, here's the homework that I'm giving to you because I want you to embrace your ambition unapologetically.
00:59:53
Speaker
Here's your boldness challenge for the week ahead. I want you to think about one way that you've been holding back your ambition. Maybe you've hesitated to speak up in a meeting, you know or maybe you are pursuing a career move out of fear.
01:00:12
Speaker
I really want you to stop whatever that is that's ahead of you. I really want you to look at the opportunity and ask yourself, is this something I really want and what's holding me back from moving forward and take one step this week to move forward. You have to commit to take action on your ambition and you got to start somewhere.
01:00:40
Speaker
And this no no better place to start, no better time to start than the week that is ahead of you. So as we recap on this episode, we talked about the ambition penalty. We discussed the barriers, stereotypes, and penalties that women face for wanting more. But we've also explored powerful strategies to overcome each of these challenges.
01:01:07
Speaker
We looked at ways that you can redefine your ambition, ways to set boundaries, and ways to advocate for yourself and closing it off by finding communities that will lift you up. I want to leave you with this quote. Ambition isn't a dirty word. It's not something to apologize for.
01:01:32
Speaker
You have the right to want more, to strive for greatness and to pursue your boldest dreams. Don't let anyone penalize you for being ambitious because you deserve to own your success.
01:01:53
Speaker
I want to thank you for spending time with me today on this episode, and I look forward to hearing your feedback. Make sure that you share the ahas, what's come up for you, and the comments. You know, you have the space here. You have permission here to talk about whatever is holding you back. and anything that resonated with you and this topic. And when you speak up and you share, you create space as well as give permission for other women just like you to share as well. Until next episode, make sure that you strive and you thrive in your boldness. See you next episode. Bye.
01:02:36
Speaker
Thank you for joining me on today's episode of the Evolution of Bold podcast. I hope you found the conversation as inspiring and empowering as I did. It's always a pleasure to share the stories of my journey, along with those of other remarkable women who have shown us what it means to live life boldly. I'd love to know what stood out to you the most. Your feedback is really important to me. So please leave a comment in the feed or on one of our social media channels.
01:03:05
Speaker
And don't forget to hit the subscribe and notification button before you go. Stay connected with us for more insights and exclusive content. Keep evolving, stay bold, and always live your truth. Thanks for listening and stay tuned for our next show. Until next time, I'm Denise Johnson, the boldness coach, cheering you on in your journey towards your level of bold.