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Ep 06 From Shame to Strength: How to Overcome Feelings of Unworthiness
61 Plays1 year ago
In this powerful episode, I'm diving deep into the topic of shame and how it holds us back from living our BOLDEST lives. I'm Vaneese Johnson, your Boldness Coach(tm), and I'm here to remind you that you are strong, worthy, and capable of incredible things.
Today, I’m sharing personal stories and insights on how shame affects our personal growth and how societal pressures can make us feel unworthy. Together, we’ll tackle shame head-on with actionable steps to reclaim our BOLDness.
You’ll discover how to recognize your shame triggers, reframing self-criticism into self-compassion, and celebrate your small victories. It's time to own your story and step into your full power.
So hit play, Subscribe, and if you want to shatter shame and live BOLDLY, consider booking a BOLDness Coaching session with me here. Let’s embrace our courage together and break free from the chains of shame!
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Transcript
Introduction to Evolution of Bold Podcast
00:00:00
Speaker
Welcome to the Evolution of Bold podcast, where we celebrate the power of women and their journey to greatness. I'm your host, Vinesh Johnson, also known as the Boldness Coach. I'm excited to take you on a journey of self-discovery, empowerment, and transformation. Whether you're just starting out or well into your journey, I'm here to guide you through the challenges, help you find your purpose, and to help you let go of anything that's holding you back.
00:00:26
Speaker
So take a deep breath, relax, and get ready to dive into some juicy topics that will inspire and empower you to find your level of bold and evolve into the best version of yourself.
00:00:40
Speaker
But before we get started, let's take care of a little bit of housekeeping. Make sure that you hit the subscribe button so that you can join a community of bold women who are transforming their lives. Make sure that you hit that notification button so that as new shows are released that you get notified.
00:00:59
Speaker
and also connect with us on social media. We want to hear your journey. We want to celebrate you on the journey. We want to support you on the journey. And also when you share, you inspire other women in the community to share their journey as well. So now that we got the housekeeping out of the way, let's get into the juicy topic of today.
00:01:20
Speaker
Hey, everyone. Welcome back to the podcast show. I'm so excited that you are here. But before we get to talking about today's episode, I want to personally say thank you.
Reflecting on Podcast's Impact
00:01:33
Speaker
Thank you to the 300 plus downloads that we have had on this show. And of course, should I say for this show? And I'm so super excited because to me, that feels like what I've been sharing with you up until now has been very valuable to you in some way. And it resonates with something in your spirit, something in your soul, and you keep coming back for more. So,
00:02:02
Speaker
I just want to say thank you for trusting me you know on a weekly basis to bring you conversation, content, and topics that just awaken you and awaken you to the point of you stepping into your evolution. So keep going, keep listening, keep downloading, and tell a friend.
Understanding Shame and Boldness
00:02:27
Speaker
So on today's topic, we are talking about a sneaky emotion that is the culprit behind unworthiness, behind and and the feeling of inadequacy, and also behind embarrassment. And this emotion is a judgment emotion, and the name of it is shame.
00:02:55
Speaker
Yep, shame is one of those self-conscious emotions that is tied to self-awareness and self-reflection. And as I mentioned, shame is sneaky. I've suffered from shame and I want to tell you about it.
00:03:13
Speaker
But before I get into telling my stories about it, I want you to know that on today's episode, you're going to walk away with a deeper understanding about what is shame. You're going to walk away with learning how to dismantle shame and how to reclaim your boldness. I'm also going to give you some empowerment steps so that you can boldly just kick shame to the curb.
00:03:37
Speaker
And I'm also going to give you some actionable steps so that when Shane tries to rear its ugly head, you know how to put it back in check. So sit back, relax, get you something to write with. I think it's going to be some juicy tidbits in there for you. And get your favorite libation, your coffee, your tea, your water, or perhaps you know just just sit down and relax. <unk> Take a deep breath. Let's get into the show.
Personal Experiences with Shame
00:04:06
Speaker
so Talking about shame and how this all came about was I was in reflection, you know just really thinking about my own personal evolution and how I'm at the point in my life where I no longer allow things that used to worry me, things that used to bother me, things that I used to feel embarrassed about, um ways that I used to feel inadequate, and also ways that I used to feel unworthy. I no longer have those experiences or emotions. And I was just thinking about what was holding me back, you know, what was really keeping me stuck, you know, and managing those emotions.
00:04:53
Speaker
And when I thought long and hard about it, I realized that an old emotion that I was struggling with for decades, didn't even know it was there. It was the emotion of shame. Now here's what shame really is. Shame is the self-conscious emotion. And this emotion requires self-awareness and self-reflection.
00:05:18
Speaker
It really involves us judging ourselves against societal standards and personal standards. I want to just put a pin in it for a moment. If you hadn't had an opportunity yet to listen to the two episodes of adult peer pressure, whose life are you living? I encourage you to go back and to listen to both of those episodes. I think that you're going to find this episode a lot more richer when you go back and listen to those two. So now let's continue on with understanding, you know, what shame is really about.
00:05:55
Speaker
Um, shame is one of the things that shows up when we feel like we failed at something. You know, think about this for a second. How many times have you failed at something or something didn't turn out the way that you thought it was going to turn out and you start having negative self talk. You start saying things to yourself like, Hey, I should have known better. Ooh, that was so stupid of me. You know, I was so dumb to do that. Like, Oh, I hate myself for that.
00:06:25
Speaker
You know, think about the times that you said that to yourself and you really felt the weight of what you just said to yourself. You said in judgment of yourself, you were looking for and highlighted inadequacies that happened in that experience. You were even kind of confirming, well, this is why I don't have A, B and C because I didn't do X, Y and Z right. No wonder something's wrong with me.
00:06:55
Speaker
You know, we've all been at that space where we have had an experience and it didn't turn out the way we thought it would. And because society has judged us in such harsh ways, I think we default to looking at something is wrong with us versus us looking at perhaps the tools, the resources, the process, you know, perhaps You know, the fault lies within what we were using and the way we were doing it, but not in us as the individual. And when you look at really women who have really great resilience and really great self-confidence, you're going to find that when those women make mistakes, they don't automatically blame themselves. They really step back and they look at the entire situation.
00:07:51
Speaker
Even if it involves other people, they don't automatically take the responsibility of saying, well, I did that to that person. What they do say is that person feels the way they feel because that's the way they feel. Or they look at an entire situation and they say, well, there obviously are some steps in the process that are missing. Let me go back to the drawing board. But when you sit in shame, you don't have that sense of clarity.
00:08:21
Speaker
you automatically go to self-judgment. And this really is heightened you know from experiences that you've had, and those experiences don't measure up you know to what society says it should measure up to. It doesn't measure up to the these really sometimes impossible standards that we've set for ourselves. And sometimes those standards that we set come from peer pressure. It could be people you went to college with that are at a potential particular level in their career. It could be friends and family members who are in certain types of relationships that you a admire and that you want to be in. And you start to feel like something's wrong with you because maybe you you both are the same age and you both went to the same school or you both grew up in the same house. Maybe it's siblings.
00:09:18
Speaker
and you start to judge yourself and evaluate yourself against their life and or their timeline. And then you go inward to yourself and you start judging yourself. So it creates these experiences, shame, creates these experiences that attach, that give us space to to be self-conscious around. And I'm here to tell you none of it's true. None of it's true.
00:09:47
Speaker
But let's get a little bit deeper into shame and where does shame you know really come from And as I mentioned it comes from society it comes from standards, you know, it comes from the culture it comes from family experiences Now I want to kind of break this down for a moment Society itself is it's its own monster And we as people from all different races, ethnicities, genders, we have fed that monster because somewhere in our lineage, you know these standards have been set.
Societal Pressures and Education
00:10:27
Speaker
And that has been the measure you know of success and achievement that that society has set in certain areas. you know Example, when you you know go to college, right for those people that have gone to college,
00:10:42
Speaker
and you graduate with your degree, your four-year degree, right? There are some times, depending on what profession you want to get in, what industry and what level of that profession, sometimes society tells you that that level of education you have is not enough, that you have to go back and get, you know, spend more money, spend more time, and you have to get higher level degrees in order for you to but people to even look at you or consider you for a particular role.
00:11:11
Speaker
And you start to feel some level of inadequacy with the degree you have. It's almost like you can't enjoy the degree because you're like, well, this is good. I'm going to take a summer off or a semester off and I'm going to get back at it because if I want to be worthy of that next level of position, I got to do A, B and C because that's what society says I'm supposed to do.
00:11:34
Speaker
And I want to just stop you for a second and get you to start reflecting and thinking about how many people do you actually know? That are in a career role right now. You might even work with them or you used to work with them And you know for sure right now that they did not go to school They did not get an advanced degree. They perhaps don't even hold a certificate in the work that they're doing And you are looking at them like, wait a minute, this person really has kind of taken their experience and they've been strategic and how they have been building and managing their career. And that has afforded them the opportunity. It hasn't been on education alone.
00:12:22
Speaker
And then you reflect on yourself and you're like, I put so much time and energy into you know my career, trying to get to the next level. And it seems like I just can't get there because I need one more piece of credential.
00:12:35
Speaker
And part of that that you are latching onto could be because of the standards of society. And it also could be because you feel like I would be worthy if I were to have that extra credential. credential And perhaps you may feel like I don't feel worthy going after that role because I don't have that extra piece of paper.
00:12:57
Speaker
So I just want you to think about from the perspective of the experience that you created from for yourself based on society standards and when you look at the actuality of how certain people are navigating their careers that perhaps may have less credentials than you do.
00:13:16
Speaker
It's not a comparison, but I want you to be able to recognize, you know, the heaviness that you may be putting on yourself, the and unnecessary and undue pressure that you may be causing, you know, to yourself and the anxiety that you could be operating from when you feel a sense of shame because you haven't met the standards of what society says you should have and should be. So just think about that because that's really heavy.
Motherhood Choices and Body Image
00:13:47
Speaker
You know, some of the other areas that society um really, you know, puts shame on us is about, you know, the way that we live live our lives as women. You know, they shame us around motherhood, you know, that we should be raising our children in a particular way.
00:14:04
Speaker
They shame us sometimes, you know, society and family sometimes shames us when we were this ideal model child, you know, a young adult and we had children and then our children chose different paths than what we chose. And sometimes family would be like, well, you chose to be an entrepreneur. Why didn't your child choose that path? You know, what is it about you that you didn't teach them?
00:14:31
Speaker
You know, and then we start feeling some level of guilt around the choices that our adult children make. And I'm speaking you know from the perspective of that if you have adult children, right? But even if you have young adult children that are still you know in school and you want to steer them in one direction, but they want to go yeah another direction, and you're afraid to share with family members and friends because maybe you are third generation of a doctor, third generation of a lawyer.
00:15:02
Speaker
And you feel like, oh, how embarrassing this is that my child doesn't want to be in this profession and they're going to break, you know, the family tradition, you know, of going into this profession. And so you start to pull back from um experience, you know, family holidays and experiences of togetherness with family because you are ashamed and embarrassed that if they ask you this question, you won't have a lie to tell them.
00:15:29
Speaker
Right? And so just really think about how shame could be showing up in those different aspects you know of your life. We get shamed around our bodies. you know We get shamed all the time when we look at social media.
00:15:45
Speaker
You know, right now in this day and age, there are a lot of amazing, beautiful women that I've seen on social media that are in their latter years. They're in their late sixties or in their seventies and even in their eighties. And some of them have bomb bodies. I mean, they've got muscle definition. They are like.
00:16:06
Speaker
you know, over find beyond imagination. They are classy, they are coy and they say, you know, this is what it looks like to be 70 years old. And so you may not be at 70 yet and you hope to get there. But when you look at the body that you have, you start shaming yourself like, Oh, I can never get there. Like, you know, I don't know what kind of body I'm going to have or who I'm going to be when I get 70.
00:16:36
Speaker
So I'm going to need to start working on it and you know getting plastic surgery or I'm going to need to get into a fad diet drug or or something so that by the time I get 70 that I can you know fit that standard, right? You start shaming yourself about you know around your activities. You start shaming yourself around you know your diet um because you feel like that's the standard that Everybody you see on social media in that age bracket is starting to look like so you're shaming yourself right now Because you don't measure up to or you're not on the pathway to what? Society says that the new 50 now looks like when you're 70 So it can really just creep in on you and nobody is calling you or pointing out and saying you should be ashamed But it's the inference
00:17:29
Speaker
It's the the the the being implied, you know, of calling you out via shame when we continually consume things like that, you know, visuals like that, that are unhealthy for us, but they are standards that are being set.
00:17:47
Speaker
And I also want to talk about, um you know, shame coming from a place of relationship standards that perhaps you might have to have set for yourself and you may be feeling like because I'm not at
Marriage Decisions Influenced by Shame
00:17:59
Speaker
that relation. I don't have that relationship status that I should be ashamed about of something about myself. I want to tell you and share with you and you guys know that I always bring, bring you know, the vulnerability of my stories, you know, my life experiences to these topics.
00:18:16
Speaker
One of the reasons, and I would really say the catalyst behind me ah getting married was shame. Because I was reading all of these reports, these articles, the statistics.
00:18:33
Speaker
you know, around, you know, women who are still single, women that are successful and they are unmarried ah black women who are highly educated, highly intelligent, and have these high powered corporate careers and in their over 40 and they're not married.
00:18:54
Speaker
And also, um you know, the data when you look at from a cultural perspective and how even within our own black culture, you know, they were saying that, you know, you must be an angry black woman if you're still single and you must, um you know, have heavy masculine energy. I mean, I could go on and on, you know, about those types of standards.
00:19:19
Speaker
you know, that were permeating and still do permeate within, you know, the the black culture. And perhaps if you are of another cultural descent, you may be able to identify with this, right? And so getting married, you know, and accepting a marriage proposal, I just, I felt a lot of pressure and I never told my, you know, then a soon to be husband that this is really the place I was operating from. And shame, I allowed shame to really pull me deeper and deeper into a marriage that ultimately was unhealthy for me. And here is the cherry topper on this. So I get married, right? And then I was ashamed to get divorced because I was thinking clearly from a place of judgment, I was thinking, well, if I get divorced,
00:20:18
Speaker
What will people think of me being, I waited late in life to get married. So shame number one, according to, you know, societal standards. And I, I married um someone that was very relatively younger than I am. Shame number two, you know, I didn't marry in my age range. Um, and then, you know, shame number three was,
00:20:45
Speaker
that my then husband uprooted his life and came and moved in, moved here to the States. And the shame was like, Oh, you let this man move in on you. You know, shame number three. And so I was really feeling the weight myself and really being judgmental of myself because I was really concerned and worried about This is going to be so embarrassing. What are people going to say about me? How are they going to think about me and the way that I navigate and move through the world? So I ended up staying longer than what I should have in an unhealthy marriage because of shame. And I know you might be thinking, well, what happened that you ultimately was able to shake out of shame and get yourself you know in a position to be divorced?
00:21:39
Speaker
Well, glad you asked. Because what shame ultimately does is it can really put you in a place of desperation sometimes. It really attacks your overall mental well-being.
00:21:55
Speaker
And at one point i just my back I felt my back was against the wall because I was suffering with anxiety and depression um the longer that I said in shame. And I woke up one day and I was like, I'm exhausted. I've had it. This is enough. And so ultimately I was able to muster up the courage to make the decision and get myself out of that marriage. However, even in doing so,
00:22:25
Speaker
I still had an element of shame because I couldn't really tell my folks you know a lot of the reasons behind it. I just needed them to accept that this was the direction that I was moving in. And ultimately, after seeking therapy and years of self-worth, I was self-worked. I was able to really come to the point to where I could talk about it. And I'll tell you the benefit of that in a little bit.
00:22:54
Speaker
so That's how shame has been showing up in my life. And I want to tell you this story because someone listening may be right now, you know, in a relationship um with someone and it's unhealthy and they are ashamed to leave it. Someone right now might be working in a job, you know, in in their dream career.
00:23:18
Speaker
And they are in the stream career all to discover this isn't what I really want to do. This career isn't what I thought it was. And they were ashamed to leave the career because of the questions that may come up for them. So I'm encouraging you to really look at where Shane is in your life.
00:23:41
Speaker
Shame also shows up um in self-sabotaging. It shows up in perfectionism. um it's It's just this undercurrent that shows up in our behavior and we don't really realize it. I hear a lot of people, a lot of women that I coach, especially suffer with perfectionism. And perfectionism has to do with not being enough. And not being enough has to do with feeling unworthy.
00:24:11
Speaker
and feeling unworthy has to do with shame. If you can follow the bread crumbs back to the bread, the slice of bread, and then the loaf of the bread, you will be able to really identify how shame has really been running amok in the way that you've been living your life.
00:24:38
Speaker
So it just really kind of gives pause, you know for you to think about it, right? I want to tell you one more area. Um, and how shame has impacted me actually a couple of areas how shame has impacted me. Um And this again may be helpful for someone I remember as I started elevating, um in my career I started to you want to be able to experience more in life, you know, because I had been working so hard in my career and I had been doing all the things that that, you know, I had deemed that a successful person, you know, needed to do. I had checked all of my boxes, right? And I decided that, you know, it's time for me to start traveling abroad.
00:25:26
Speaker
And so the first time I went abroad, I think it might've been in 2008, the first time I went abroad and I went to Rome, Italy. Oh my God. I have a had a fabulous time, you know, um, on that trip. However, before I left to go on that trip, I decided that I wanted to tell the family member, you know, um, about me going on that trip. And actually the family member was my grandmother. So God rest her soul.
00:25:57
Speaker
And so I told my grandmother, cause I was so excited and i um there I was very close to my grandmother. And I told her that I was going to to Rome and that I was looking forward to it and I was going to be gone for like seven days. And, you know, I'm thinking about my itinerary and it's my first time going across the pond. And I was just really excited and going on and on. And so after my grandmother um listened to me and she said to me,
00:26:26
Speaker
Uh, baby, you sure you want to go over there? And I was like, yeah, because it's exciting. yeah I get a chance to so go to Europe, right? My grandmother said to me, this is going to crack you guys up. My grandmother says, well, you know, you just need to be careful over there, baby, because they kill black people over there.
00:26:48
Speaker
And I stopped for a second. And she literally had me second-guessing my choice because I started feeling like, oh, I shouldn't go over there. Oh, that's a bad move for me to go. Oh, if I go, um'm I'm going to get killed if I go over there. I mean, I can't do that. I can't risk that. My family would miss me. and And if I get killed, it'll be because I made a bad decision. I literally went down spiraling down the rabbit hole on that.
00:27:19
Speaker
And then somewhere in there I caught myself and I said, wait a minute. And I used to call her mama and I said my mama people die here all the time. but They die in the United States. I don't have to go to Europe, you know, to get killed. I can get killed right here if that's the way that I'm supposed to go down. And so I tell you that story because, you know, there are times in life when you are ready to elevate.
Family Influence on Aspirations
00:27:46
Speaker
And sometimes the people around us, family members, friends, you know even in our own sisterhood, sometimes those individuals, they don't have higher you know aspirational dreams in their lives. And because they don't have a higher aspirational dreams in their lives, they can't begin to fathom the excitement, the anticipation that you may be experiencing to get to that next level. And so they default you know in in their response to you based on where they are in their lives and their exposure. And they also default to the emotion of being left behind and that you are seeing yourself that you're separating from the pack and you're seeing yourself greater greater than or better than perhaps where they are.
00:28:35
Speaker
And that's another area that shame showed up for me. So as I continued to travel through the years, what ultimately happened was I didn't enjoy a lot of my travel the way that I could have because I always felt a sense of guilt you know um with my travels that I was out and experiencing the world. And I left so many people in my inner circle behind.
00:29:02
Speaker
And I really had to work through that. And what helped me work through that was therapy and realizing that everybody makes their own individual choices. Yeses, I know you're smart enough to recognize that and understand understand that. But when you are in the moment and the action of a behavior, sometimes irrational thinking and rational and healthy emotions are just not present. What tends to happen is the replaying of that tape.
00:29:31
Speaker
that's been embedded in your mind for decades and decades in your life. So if if shame is something that has been told, you know, embedded in you and told to you for 40 years or 50 years, five minutes doesn't unravel that. So give yourself some grace if this is ringing a bell for you.
00:29:56
Speaker
Another area that um that I caught shame in was you know becoming financially astute in my life.
Entrepreneurial Shame and Wealth
00:30:06
Speaker
you know Realizing and choosing it and going after it and claiming it and owning it because for a long time I felt like as an entrepreneur that it was really shameful that I would want to be wealthy as an entrepreneur, that I would want my talents and my gifts and my craft to create wealth for me and ultimately get me to a point of being rich. Because some of the people that were in my circles, their aspiration was at the level of the highest, the highest of what their career could pay them, their job could pay them.
00:30:44
Speaker
So their aspiration was it was at a ceiling, but my financial aspirations are higher than that. And as I found myself really reaching those different financial heights, then what started to happen was certain individuals, you know, in my inner circle were coming to me and they felt entitled. They started, you know, coming at me like, well, since you are here, then you should give me this because I'm not doing that for myself or I can't do that for myself.
00:31:15
Speaker
And at one point I felt a level of responsibility. And I would say for years I felt, I felt a level of responsibility to help those individuals or that person to be able to enjoy the fruits of my labor. And I, what happened also was that I ultimately learned to live at a level of mediocrity because I didn't want to draw attention to me.
00:31:41
Speaker
Because if I were to, you know, get that the next thing, if I were to get their Mercedes or the BMW, you know, then I didn't want the backlash. I'm like, oh, look at you, you know, driving a Mercedes, you must make a lot of money. So what I ultimately did was I just kind of stayed under the radar and I i got a high end car, but I got one that was more affordable across the masses. Right.
00:32:09
Speaker
And you may be thinking, well, Denise, that wasn't such a bad idea. No, it wasn't, but it was a bad idea for me because I made the choice from a place of shame versus the choice from worthiness. So again, those couple of stories may resonate with someone in terms of how shame, you know, has kind of permeated in your life and it's gone unchecked and it's gone unnoticed.
00:32:37
Speaker
but you're looking around your life and you know, you know, in your heart of hearts and the depth of your soul, you know that it's time that you are so worthy and it's time for you to take it to the next level. So I want you to start recognizing, you know, when, when the shame, when the triggers of shame show up in your life.
00:33:01
Speaker
When you go to purchase something that you have really been admiring and desiring and you sit there and you talk yourself out of it, I really want you to follow those bread crumbs back to the slice, back to the bread loaf. I want you to go back and see where is this really coming from? Why are you really talking yourself out of getting that thing that you have been desiring and dreaming about for years or for even decades?
00:33:32
Speaker
I want you to start thinking about when you go after that next role, that next career role for you, and you start talking yourself down or start talking to yourself like, I need to go get another advanced degree. I need to get another certificate. I need to take more classes. When you start talking to yourself from a place of being inadequate, yet you have experience and skills that can back up you as a candidate for that role.
00:34:01
Speaker
Then I want you to go back and really ask yourself, where is this coming from where I feel like I'm not enough? Follow the bread crumbs to the bread slice to the bread loaf. Where is this really coming from? So start watching yourself like a hawk and pay attention to the triggers. I also want you to give yourself some compassion. Dive into self compassion.
00:34:30
Speaker
Be forgiving of yourself and be the first person to forgive yourself. When you have an experience of something that you worked really hard, you studied, you practiced, you showed up, you dotted I's, you crossed ts T's, you did all the things. And when you show up and you gave it your all, it turned out a completely opposite way. Give yourself credit for the things that did work well. Give yourself credit for showing up to do it in the first place. And look at it from
00:35:11
Speaker
a larger frame. Look at it from, let me look at what really worked well and be compassionate and give yourself some love and say to yourself, girl, look at you, you did that. Now we get another opportunity to do it again. And this time we are going to do it differently. So reframe your experiences from something that's shameful, that's hurtful, that's harmful to yourself.
Embracing Vulnerability and Authenticity
00:35:43
Speaker
Reframe it in a way that's positive, that's empowering, and that's encouraging to put yourself in the space of self-compassion and get ready to build resilience and move on. And hey, let's do it again.
00:36:00
Speaker
I'm telling you it works because being on the other side, um you know, of the shame that I experienced has put me into a place of joy and fulfillment. So I am my greatest fan. I am my greatest champion. I am my greatest advocate because I give myself grace and I show myself compassion.
00:36:26
Speaker
Another way that I want to tell you that you can challenge shame is to really step into vulnerability. This is hard for a lot of people because being vulnerable means that you are revealing your flaws, you're revealing the cracks, you know, that's really kind of in the painting that you really, you know, are just kind of showing up and making yourself naked.
00:36:55
Speaker
to all of the things that aren't perfect about you. But here's what I want to say to you about vulnerability. It is power in being vulnerable. Because when you are vulnerable, you are owning, you are owning all of those imperfections about you. And you are recognizing and acknowledging that indeed, they may be imperfection on the outside, but they make up who you really and authentically are. And they have value to who you are. They add value to how you show up in the world. They add value to the work you do, to the relationships that you have, to the children that you raise, to the community that you serve. Your vulnerability is the key to you stepping into your power. And it's a way for you to reclaim your boldness.
00:37:53
Speaker
Also in vulnerability, you are owning your story. Let me tell you something. but that that jane Nobody on planet earth walk up to me and shame me on anything. Why? Because I own my story. And how I own my story is I tell components of my story to certain audiences at particular times.
00:38:21
Speaker
And every time I tell my story, it really fuels me up and it empowers me and my boldness because this is what has made me the authentic person that I am today are my experiences. And I don't have a problem with telling my stories. When I teach class, I tell my students all the time, ask me any question that you want to ask me. There's no question that is off limits.
00:38:48
Speaker
Because I have done the internal work. I have done the deep work for years. That has been through journaling. That has been through therapy. That has been finding the right support systems. That has been being in the right sisterhood circles. That has been about me keeping my business to myself when it doesn't need to be told or shared with other people. And that has been about me giving myself grace.
00:39:18
Speaker
So just know that your vulnerability, stepping into it, owning it, and sharing your story, and creating the narrative that you want to be out there about you, there's power in doing that. So go ahead, sis. Step into being bold, big, and bad, and own your narrative.
Practical Steps to Overcome Shame
00:39:41
Speaker
Now, as we get ready to wind this down, I said that I was going to give you ways to step into being empowered, right? So here's some actionable steps. Acknowledge and name the shame. Here we go with those breadcrumbs again. Acknowledge that, you know, I'm really shaped, shameful about this.
00:40:01
Speaker
And I'm calling it out. I'm calling it to the carpet. I'm no longer going to tuck my tail between my legs and and back out of the room and go to my corner. No, I am standing on boldness and I am acknowledging the shame. I'm giving it a name and calling it out. Stop letting shame dictate to you who you are, because that's not who you are. Next is reframe negative self talk.
00:40:30
Speaker
I gave you an example of that just a little while ago. You've got to reframe that negative self-talk and learn to become your biggest cheerleader, your biggest champion, and your biggest advocate. When you transition and transform those negative thoughts into empowering beliefs, girl, it's like rolling your sleeves up and saying, okay, let's go one more game. And then lastly, I want you to seek support.
00:40:59
Speaker
Because listen, this may sound good, but when you start actually doing the work sis and peeling back the layers, you might discover, hey, Denise, I need to get some real support. Do not be ashamed to see a therapist. And do not be ashamed that when you're in therapy to really lay it on the line. It's a safe space for you to really get clear about where is this coming from.
00:41:28
Speaker
for you to acknowledge the problem and for you to create strategies to get around it and coping strategies that I help you ultimately get on the other side. So I hope this has been very helpful for you. But before we go, I'm going to give you some homework because I said I would and I'm going to keep my word.
00:41:48
Speaker
So what I want you to start doing now is I want you to start journaling. Start journaling you know these emotions that you might be feeling around unworthiness, um inadequacy, and embarrassment. Start really being truthful with yourself first. The first level of awareness is telling yourself the truth.
00:42:10
Speaker
It gives you an opportunity to create, to really look at it from a different perspective and create a new way of being. And that could be new belief systems, right? I also want you to give yourself some compassion, sis. I talk to myself often in front of the mirror. I am not ashamed to tell y'all that.
00:42:30
Speaker
I talk to myself in the mirror every day. I tell myself in the morning, today is an amazing day and it's going to be even better. And by the time I end my day, woo what a story I'm going to have to recap on myself.
00:42:46
Speaker
So start giving yourself some compassion, you know, every day and every way. Start with the small things. It doesn't have to be something grandiose or something tragic needs to happen or a major a major failure needs to happen. Start giving yourself compassion on little things.
00:43:04
Speaker
If you notice that you didn't do something differently and you've been wanting to, but you fell into an old pattern, just tell yourself, Hey girl, I see you. We did something that we normally fall into, but next time girl, we're going to pay attention and we're going to be at the ready.
00:43:22
Speaker
So set up a technique, a strategy, or a tool that that can help you know kind of remind you that you are choosing a better choice this time. And when you choose that better choice the next time, celebrate sis. Celebrate and say, girl, look at you. You chose a different choice this time. Go ahead now.
00:43:43
Speaker
and then stretch yourself the next time to continue to acknowledge yourself and celebrate yourself as you choose choices that are more in alignment with who you are evolving into. Whoo! We talked about a lot, didn't we? But I tell you one thing's for sure. We put shame on check.
00:44:05
Speaker
So what I want you to continue to do until the next episode is continue to live your life being bold, big and bad with no permission needed.
Living Boldly and Future Encouragement
00:44:17
Speaker
Thank you for being here and I look forward to seeing you in the next episode.
00:44:23
Speaker
Thank you for joining me on today's episode of the Evolution of Bold podcast. I hope you found the conversation as inspiring and empowering as I did. It's always a pleasure to share the stories of my journey, along with those of other remarkable women who have shown us what it means to live life boldly. I'd love to know what stood out to you the most. Your feedback is really important to me. So please leave a comment in the feed or on one of our social media channels.
00:44:51
Speaker
And don't forget to hit the subscribe and notification button before you go. Stay connected with us for more insights and exclusive content. Keep evolving, stay bold, and always live your truth. Thanks for listening and stay tuned for our next show. Until next time, I'm Venice Johnson, the boldness coach, cheering you on in your journey towards your level of bold.