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Unpopular Opinion About Cutting People Off
88 Plays2 years ago
Listen Sis if you find it's easy for you to cut people off so you can protect your space i hear you..But I want you to check out this episode on Avoidant Attachment Style and take a peep into my journey of being a tough chick who could ruthlessly cut anyone off..to realizing it was a survival pattern I learned in childhood.
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Transcript
Introduction & Avoidant Attachment
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Speaker
Another characteristic of avoidant attachment style is when they feel threatened, they typically withdraw from a situation. Like I was saying when my husband argued or if I get, I call it crunchy. Like if I've been around the kids all day or for like three or four days straight or maybe John's been traveling, like I start to get to a place where I will look at him and I'm like, I'm leaving. Like I'm going to tan or get my nails done or going on a walk or going to the beach or something. But like, I gotta get out of this house.
00:00:28
Speaker
because I need to go into my recharge zone.
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Listen
Josie Soriano's Mission
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sis, if you're not on fire for your life right now, then I am not okay with that. Better is possible. I'm Josie Soriano, a mindset coach, and I'll be your big sister, boldly speaking life, wisdom, challenge, and truth into you so you can get better one percent at a time. Together we'll ditch perfectionism for progress and dismiss complacency with fearless finesse.
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Speaker
We'll be talking about mindset, motherhood, femininity, and faith with practical tips and tricks to help you follow through. If you're not in love with your life right now, tune into today's episode and I promise you'll know how to take it from there.
00:01:16
Speaker
Hey
Transparency & Law of Attraction
00:01:17
Speaker
sis, how are you? I promised you guys that I would always be transparent on this podcast. And so I wanted to touch on a topic that I know somebody is going to just totally resonate with. Because if we believe in law of attraction, like attracts like. So I know that things that I talk about, you are absolutely
00:01:38
Speaker
going to have a new, you're going to see a new. And if I stir something up on this podcast, you may not notice it now, but you may notice it this week or next week, because anytime we talk about something, it can really get stirred up. So you may resonate with this.
00:01:56
Speaker
And if you don't, you might later. So I'm excited to talk about it. So let me just tell you a little bit about what I've been thinking about this week. And that
Protecting Energy & Reevaluating Relationships
00:02:07
Speaker
is this concept of cutting people off.
00:02:11
Speaker
And being so protective of your energy and the thoughts and the people that you allow into your space, into your emotions, into the private inner parts of you.
00:02:29
Speaker
defense and edge about our space and about our energy. And I have just really always clung to the quotes that I saw, like, you know, we see a long Pinterest at Instagram, but if somebody, you know, if you're not, you know, for me, you're against me and, you know, I'm going to protect my energy at all costs and, you know, small circle. And while
Mindset Work & Self-awareness
00:02:53
Speaker
I do agree with these things,
00:02:57
Speaker
On my coaching journey, I have just had the opportunity to look at things from a different point of view. And so something that we say in the business world is, don't work in your business, work on your business. And so I want you to kind of take that mindset into what I'm going to say in this episode when it comes to doing inner healing, developing self-awareness, working on your mindset.
00:03:27
Speaker
The goal when we're talking about looking at ourselves from a different point of view is I want you to think of that. Don't work in your mindset. Work on your mindset. Don't be in your emotions. Be on your emotions.
00:03:44
Speaker
You know, often people are walking around and they're living this life of unawareness. They
Breaking Patterns from Past Experiences
00:03:50
Speaker
don't know why they do the things that they do. They don't know why they have the habits that they have. They don't know why they procrastinate. They just think that this is life and this is all there is to it and I am the way I am because of the way people have done me in my past and I am the way I am because that's how I was raised or that's how I was taught or I am the way I am because, you know, all of these reasons.
00:04:11
Speaker
And while those things may be true and you are the way you are for very valid reasons, whether it be, you know, mother wound, father wound, just the way you were raised, the way that you saw things growing up, the reality is and if you can even get a quarter of this, you are doing better than
00:04:28
Speaker
most people, not that we're competing against most people, we're competing against ourselves. But what I'm talking about is like super deep work. And it takes a lot of courage to look at yourself objectively and say, wow, that's in me. And why is that in me? And so I kind of took the long way around to get into what I want to talk to you today, which is like I said, the cutting people off.
00:04:53
Speaker
So
Revisiting Relationship Approaches
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Speaker
I have had a past of when people have done me wrong, when they have hurt me, when they have angered me, when they have crossed my boundary, I have had a habit of people off, getting them out of my life, you know, saying my piece and then not talking to them like ever again, or for years and years and years and years, or not even saying my piece at all.
00:05:19
Speaker
and just not talking to them like ever again. And there are nuances in this conversation. I'm not talking about abusive relationships. I'm not talking about staying in situations where you're being harmed or somebody you love is being harmed or that's what I'm talking about. I'm just talking about somebody
00:05:37
Speaker
had a difference in opinion with you or they may have triggered you or gave you feedback or said something that you just don't agree with or it was rude or you felt disrespected and you just cut them off. That's what I'm talking about. So that has been a pattern in my life.
00:05:53
Speaker
And up until recently, it's been something that I'm honestly proud of. I've always just said, hey, listen, if somebody does me wrong, you're done. You're done. I love you. I'll pray for you. But we're done. You're not going to stay in my inner circle. You don't get to continue to show up that way in my space and allow... You don't get to stay.
00:06:18
Speaker
And so I've never really had an issue with that until I had a disagreement. I had a disagreement since I have begun my healing journey. So a lot of this cutoffs and cutting people off happened when I was younger, but I had a situation happened where a close friend of mine really, really hurt me.
00:06:40
Speaker
And I have just always been very stoic in my emotions and in my feelings, which if you're like that can cause you to be very, you know, I will cut you off and not think twice about it because you're like a hard A, right? Like you're tough and that's how I am. And so I've always prided myself on being tough. But here's something really interesting that I've started to discover.
Avoidant Behavior & Relationships
00:07:05
Speaker
is that is a coping, a survival skill that some of us had to learn. For whatever reason we had to learn it, we learned it. And that's how we have learned to get by. And if we think about the life that we really want to create, if we're taking an honest look inward, if we really want to be the leaders that we say we want to be, the mothers that we say we want to be, the wives that we say we want to be,
00:07:34
Speaker
whatever that version of success is for you, does it feel totally in alignment to banish somebody that you really care about in a relationship? Think about that.
00:07:47
Speaker
Is that what you want to be known for? If you're saying, well, I don't really care. Well, I want you to care. I want you to think about the legacy that you're leaving behind. And this is especially true when we're raising children. If you want your children to be more kind, you need to be more kind.
00:08:04
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if you don't want your children to be ugly to others and bully, then you need to stop cutting people off in traffic and yelling at other people. We have to become more aware of how we're showing up. And so I know for me,
00:08:20
Speaker
I don't want to leave a legacy of being a cool and cool hardy when it came to, oh, if you did Josie wrong, she would cut you off and she wouldn't think twice about it. One of my favorite verses in the Bible says, how special is it if you love somebody who's kind to you? It's easy to love people who are good to us. It's easy to love people who give us gifts and send us nice text messages and have always been there for us, but how
00:08:49
Speaker
much more incredible and impeccable as your character is you love somebody who is unkind to you. That's way harder to do because when people do us wrong and we decide we're going to give them grace and kindness and forgiveness and compassion,
00:09:09
Speaker
It forces us to sit with the hurt that they've caused us. And if you are used to running from hurt, that is really uncomfortable to do. That can be very, very uncomfortable. And so if you know what I'm saying,
00:09:27
Speaker
If you're like, yes, sis, I can cut people off and not think twice about it. And I am proud of it. Rocking that's so shit ain't nothing to cut that off. That used to be my jam. Are you kidding me? I have ex-boyfriends who, they did me wrong and I was like, deuces and haven't talked to them since then. And that's a bit like here.
00:09:48
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And I haven't thought twice about it. So I thought what you repress will always come back out. And so if you're hearing
Effects of Avoidant Attachment
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Speaker
me and you're like, yes, I can cut people off. I don't like those kinds of people in my space and in my energy, then you are probably or you probably have what's called an avoidant attachment style. And so
00:10:14
Speaker
That is what I want to bring awareness to today. You know, there are four types of attachment styles I have and am working on my avoidant attachment style. And so that's really the only one that I'm going to talk on today.
00:10:31
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But when I started asking myself, why do I do this? Why do I feel like I am so above the BS that I can just cut people off? The truth is people are messy. The truth is they're going to mess up. The truth is
00:10:51
Speaker
They're going to say things that you don't agree with. They're going to say things that you don't like. They're going to do things that you don't like because people are messy. But if you are a leader and I know that you either are or you want to be, if you're listening to this podcast because I attract leaders.
00:11:07
Speaker
You are going to have to learn how to give people compassion, how to give people grace and another chance because that is we need to be in relationship. And it is a strategy of the enemy to get us in isolation. And if you literally cut somebody off every time they hurt you, you're going to end up totally alone. And I know this is all easier said than done because I have ended working on, like I said, an avoidant attachment style.
00:11:36
Speaker
So what is an avoidant attachment style? Here's a quick definition. Typically suspicious of relationships. So these are like the characteristics of the avoidant attachment. You're typically suspicious of relationships. So kind of like one foot in, one foot out in your relationships, you know, you probably get that mindset of like, you're not surprised if somebody, you know, were to cheat on you or hurt you. Like you're kind of expected on something going wrong.
00:12:04
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You're suspicious of intimacy in general. Maybe you have a very close circle. You don't trust in people very easily. It takes years to get close to you. If you ever get close to anybody, you're just very to yourself, very private.
00:12:19
Speaker
and you very much are... Loyalty is a big deal to you. You tend to distance yourself between... Or you tend to distance between yourself and your partner. Now, if you're not married, you may not have noticed this yet, but this is why marriage is so beautiful because it will bring out this in you. It will show you this. I never knew I had an avoided
00:12:45
Speaker
attachment style until I got into marriage and I had the same pattern with my husband. We get into an argument. I'm like, whoa, whoa, whoa, you need to back up. You need to be spaced. I need to leave. I need to go on a walk or you need to go on a walk. You need to get out of my space right now, right now. I can't even breathe if you're in my space. You're stepping on my air hose. I never knew that was a thing with our relationships because I never stayed in them long enough to
00:13:08
Speaker
discover this about myself because I was always trying to leave. I had a pattern of leaving and we can get caught up in this lie that, oh, well, you know, like my standards are high. And yes, of course have high standards. And, you know, honestly, it's funny because I, you know, because I never settled, I ended up with the love of my life. My husband, however, there is a healthier way to get to that conclusion.
00:13:34
Speaker
And yes, know your standards. Yes, know what you will and will not tolerate, but there is a healthy way to go about it that's actually way more powerful than just cutting people off or telling them to leave or, you know, having that like very nature reaction when you get hurt.
00:13:50
Speaker
Another characteristic of avoidant attachment style is when they feel threatened, they typically withdraw from a situation. Like I was saying when me and my husband argue or if I get, I call it crunchy. Like if I've been around the kids all day or for like three or four days straight or maybe John's been traveling, like I start to get to a place where I will look at him and I'm like, I'm leaving. Like I'm going to tan or get my nails done or going on a walk or going to the beach or something. But like, I got to get out of this house.
00:14:17
Speaker
because I need to go into my recharge zone. And part of that can be absolutely introvert. I recharge when I'm by myself. But another part of it is when we do get overwhelmed or when we feel crispy, we tend to withdraw. So we need to withdraw from a situation. And
00:14:37
Speaker
And that's not necessarily a bad thing. Some people process by sitting down and communicating, others process by themselves. It just really is circumstantial and it depends on, you know, how you process by yourself. There
Personal Growth & Accountability
00:14:52
Speaker
is a healthy way and then there is, you know, a way that's not necessarily healthy.
00:14:57
Speaker
And so I just want to bring light to this attachment style because it can drive us into isolation. It can cut us off from relationship. And a point that I really just want to drive home is that relationships are messy.
00:15:15
Speaker
relationships are messy. People are going to mess up and they're going to do things where you're like, what the heck? No, you don't deserve to be in my life, but let me ask you a question. Is it worth throwing the whole relationship away? Now, if you have somebody in your life and they repeatedly offense, repeatedly, repeatedly, I'm not talking about unhealthy relationships. We definitely need to have the discernment to know where to identify those. And that's a whole other attachment style.
00:15:44
Speaker
But we also need to learn when to put our hands out and give our brother or sister a hug and not just be so quick to cut them off and ostracize them from our lives. So I want you to know your place between having healthy boundaries, but then also understand that
00:16:08
Speaker
What they did may not be that big of an offense, but because that is the lens that you perceive it through, it can feel like a life or death, fight or flight situation. When people who have an avoidant attachment style feel threatened or hurt, we go into fight or flight that adrenaline kicks in. We are like,
00:16:34
Speaker
like our body doesn't know that we're actually not in danger. And so we need to pull ourselves out of that heightened state of emotion before we can make a decision on whether somebody really does like need to stay in our lives or whether we need to
00:16:51
Speaker
you know, sit there and have a clearing conversation with them or what the next best step is. Now, how can, because one of the four attachment styles is secure. Now a secure attachment is what we call a healthy attachment. And so if you are like me, if you have an avoided personality or an avoided attachments, if you have an avoided attachment style,
00:17:17
Speaker
And you know you do. And listen, this is not a place of shame. I always want you to come to yourselves with a healthy curiosity. We're not here to shame ourselves. We're not here to plate singers. We're not here to feel like crap about ourselves.
00:17:34
Speaker
We are here to bring awareness, to expand our mindset, to have a more open mind around how we show up in the world. And specifically with attachment styles, it's how you show up in relationships.
00:17:49
Speaker
I want you to come at this with a healthy curiosity. Step one is to admitting that this is you. It took me a long time and a good amount of coaching to come to a place where I'm like, wow, this is like a part of who I am.
00:18:06
Speaker
And if I don't like this part of me or if it's not my favorite or maybe there's some shame around it or a little bit of guilt, like why do I act this way? I want to let you know that it takes an incredible amount of patience, desire, and practice to move
00:18:23
Speaker
into a different way of being. In this specific conversation, it's going to take some time for you to move from an avoidant attachment style into a more secure attachment style. And one thing that I learned is that when you learn something, you are not going to go out and implement that tool or implement that technique or that thought immediately and start seeing results without fail.
00:18:49
Speaker
You may go and implement, you know, secure attachment practices, and then you completely fail and you completely just go back to your old pattern. It's going to take so much practice. But if we start now, we can build that awareness. And then if we continue on this journey of self-awareness and healing and understanding ourselves and not working, like I said, in the business, in the mindset, in the emotions, but on them,
00:19:18
Speaker
We can truly create the life that we want.
Vulnerability in Relationships
00:19:22
Speaker
And let me tell you why. When we say create the life you want, the life that you have right now is a physical manifestation of your inner thoughts and your inner world.
00:19:36
Speaker
So let that just sink in for a minute. Look around at the life that you've created, the relationships that you've created. This is a physical representation of what's going on inside of you. And that's why it is so important.
00:19:53
Speaker
that we do the inner work. It is so much more important that we pour into ourselves, pour into our spirituality, pour into our relationship with God than it is that we are pouring the stock market or going into real estate because
00:20:09
Speaker
You can have your money in all of these other things, but if you are not right here, if you are not trying to get it together and truly shift into the best version of yourself, you are going to continue to attract what you are. You're going to continue to attract a poverty mindset. You're going to continue to stay in the patterns because you're not healing anything.
00:20:34
Speaker
You have lived the same year for the past 10 years. It's a different day, but you've lived the same years over and over and over again. And that is something I am so incredibly passionate about, is showing people that, hey, listen, you're asleep right now.
00:20:52
Speaker
And if you don't like the results that you're creating in your life, you are going to have to make a step in a different direction and really take accountability for who you are. Whether it is your fault or not, why you are the way you are, it is your responsibility and it is completely on you now moving forward to create a new you. And it's very, very possible.
00:21:19
Speaker
And one really cool coaching tool that I find it so incredibly helpful is this attachment style characteristic. So there are four different attachment styles. I really wanted to share this tool. It's one that I have been working on for a while and I took a break and I'm coming back to it because the marriage that I want to create
00:21:44
Speaker
And we always go back to vision. We always go back to what do we want to create? It's a marriage of closeness. I want to create yummy intimate relationships in my current life.
00:21:56
Speaker
You may be one of those people you look around and you're like, man, so-and-so has a lot of friends. And you may secretly want that. But let me tell you, people are not going to want to be close to you if you're closed off. People can feel closed off energy. Have you ever been around somebody and felt intimidated by them or that you didn't really want to talk to them, they just had this
00:22:17
Speaker
closed off energy that people can feel that. So if you want to create a life where you have deep, meaningful, yummy, I say the word yummy, my coach uses that, I love it, relationships, then it's really going to take us being vulnerable and allowing people to commit to our lives with the potential of knowing that they can hurt us.
00:22:41
Speaker
and saying, hey, if you do, I love you anyway. And if you do, if they cross a line where it's something that you actually just cannot let them stay in your life, then that's okay. But a huge lesson that I have learned is that if somebody does make an offense so big that you're like, okay, I'm sorry, we cannot be friends anymore.
00:23:05
Speaker
has the compassion, the kindness, the forgiveness to have a clearing conversation with them.
00:23:14
Speaker
Tell them, hey, listen, you hurt me. Like what you did, I was so mad at you, but now that I've taken some time to think twice about it, you actually really, really hurt me. You hurt me in the same way that I felt hurt when I was 10 years old. And so I'm just feeling really scared in our relationship right now. I'm just not feeling like I could trust you. You know, I'm going to put up a boundary, give me some time to process this, and maybe we can come back to the relationship in a few weeks or a few months or a year or two.
00:23:44
Speaker
That's okay. You guys, it has taken me so long to understand that people are for seasons. And if they leave your life, that does not make them unloyal. I have been so quick to brand people as loyal or not loyal or the ride or dies. People are messy.
00:24:07
Speaker
People are on their own healing journey. They're showing up in certain ways because they have ish they're working through. So it may seem like we're being pushovers if we do allow people to come into our lives and hurt us.
00:24:25
Speaker
and we don't immediately cut them off or quote unquote protect their energy. But the truth is, is that everybody that comes into our life, we have soul ties with them. We have friends with people, we have soul ties to them.
00:24:41
Speaker
And just because you cut them off, just because you send them away in the physical, in the spiritual, they're still there with you. They're still intertwined with you. And so, yes, you may be physically not speaking to them or have them not in your space anymore, but deep down, there is going to be some type of feeling, some type of pull that maybe something isn't right.
00:25:05
Speaker
And that might be a good sign that you need to have a clear conversation with somebody or maybe the offense wasn't that great and you need to revisit the situation. The goal is not to cut people off so much that we don't have anybody to support us or love us in our life. The goal is to
00:25:24
Speaker
surround ourselves with healthy, uplifting relationships and really ask for the discernment and the wisdom to be able to distinguish between a small event where somebody was just being human and actual unhealthy relationships. So having
Boundaries & Supportive Relationships
00:25:43
Speaker
boundaries is totally healthy and I want to make that distinction. I don't want you guys to think that I'm saying, let people come in and run all over you, do your thing. No way.
00:25:53
Speaker
but also the awareness to ask yourself, where can I be better in this situation? That's one of the hardest questions to ask when it comes to taking ownership is when somebody does something to us and we have the emotional maturity to say, where did I go wrong in this? Even if you feel like you didn't do anything wrong, I promise you there is something. There is somewhere in the relationship, in the circumstance where you can be better, always.
00:26:23
Speaker
This mindset is so important, especially in marriage. Okay, and then what attachment style are you? So I'm going to link the attachment style so you can go look at a visual and just check them out and see which one resonates with you the most.
00:26:40
Speaker
And hey, you may have a secure attachment. You may have like a healthy attachment. Not everyone has an unhealthy attachment, but I think it's just a really cool coaching tool to be able to self-coach and to look at yourself and have awareness around. Oh, like you might look at one of the attachment styles. It takes, we'll just click for you. You'll be like, oh my gosh, like I am like that.
00:27:00
Speaker
why am I like that?" And it will send you down this rabbit hole of why you show up that way. And it's just so good to develop that self-awareness around why you are the way that you are. Okay, guys, so I really love this conversation and I want you to start analyzing your
00:27:23
Speaker
relationships and the way that you show up in your relationships without judgment. Just looking and be like, wow, that's how I act. Because so often we take on this mindset of, well, I act that way because you act this way, but that's not powerful. That's actually
Journaling for Relationship Patterns
00:27:41
Speaker
saying I'm acting this way because I'm reacting to what you're doing and leaders don't react. Leaders don't react.
00:27:50
Speaker
So now that we have discussed this awareness around why we show up the way we do in certain relationships, it may stir something up for you this week or whenever you hear this and you may start noticing yourself acting a certain way or having a certain pattern or just behaving a certain way.
00:28:14
Speaker
I want you to take out your journal and I want you to write it down. And this is how we can identify our patterns and our paths, make up our world. So if we can reverse engineer why we are the way we are, then we can come in and rewire how we are to set ourselves up for healthy relationships, a life that we want to create. And it all starts with doing
00:28:38
Speaker
this heavy work and asking these heavy questions and really just taking a look inward and seeing how can we be better and how we can really take control of our lives because life is not happening to us, it's happening for us.
00:28:55
Speaker
So thanks for joining me today in this conversation.
Listener Interaction Invitation
00:28:58
Speaker
Hey, listen, I love listening and hearing all of the stories that you guys tell me over on Instagram. So if there's anything that you want me to talk about or something that came up for you, please send me a DM. I love hearing the feedback. I love hearing how this work is helping you in your lives. So I look forward to hearing from you guys. And until next time.
00:29:20
Speaker
Class dismissed, sis. I hope you feel fueled and inspired to start taking messy action starting now. By the way, what would you like me to talk about on the show? I'd love to hear from you over on my Instagram. You can find me at Josie Lynn, J-O-Z-I-L-I-N-N. And let me know. Till next time.