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Unearthing Abandonment: Healing your marriage and yourself
81 Plays1 year ago
Say it with me: I CAN HAVE A THRIVING RELATIONSHIP WITH MYSELF & MY HUSBAND
For the past 3 years ive been on a healing journey with God to heal my abandonment wound: AKA I was a hot mess.
One of the biggest lessons ive learned about healing is that if the work isn’t done,
It will certainly creep into our present day life and wreak havoc, and that’s EXACTLY
What happened to me!
Tune into today’s episode to hear a vulnerable story of how I’ve wrestled with
my abandonment wound and the journey I’ve went on to heal it.
Recommended
Transcript
Introduction to Abandonment in Marriage
00:00:01
Speaker
All right, let's talk about the abandonment wound in marriage. So, and at the end it's going to be so awesome. I'm going to give you some practical tips and journaling prompts on how you can work through the, the abandonment wound because so many of us have it. Um, so I was sharing a story on Instagram about how my abandonment wound has shown up in my marriage and
00:00:32
Speaker
When me and John first got married, I was a hot mess express. Like I was a hot mess. I had never walked through a healing journey. I had not had much prayer. I'd never had deliverance. I had never really had a mentor to help me.
00:00:49
Speaker
piece together what was broken inside of
Challenges in Healing Abandonment Wounds
00:00:53
Speaker
me. And I feel like this is where so many of us are is we know we need the healing, but we don't know where to begin. A lot of people, they're like, I don't even have the money for a coach. I don't have the money for a therapist. So like, where do I begin? And so if you have the money, if you don't have the money, that is where I want to help you with today.
00:01:17
Speaker
So in the abandonment wound and marriage, yes, it's important to know how this operates within marriage, but if you're not married, oh my gosh, this is for you too. And in fact, I really wish that I would have addressed the abandonment wound that I had from childhood before I stepped into marriage. Now, please do not misunderstand. You cannot be healed.
00:01:47
Speaker
100%. First of all, ever, you're always going to be on a growth journey. But especially when you get into marriage, people are like, I want to heal before I get married. It doesn't matter how much work you do before marriage. Marriage is going to bring out this ish in you that you didn't even know was in you. So you can be all healed up, all prayed up before marriage. Yes, it's going to help.
00:02:11
Speaker
but being in marriage is going to help you do things or is going to help expose things that you need to work on.
Impact of Trust and Fear in Relationships
00:02:19
Speaker
And so when I had come into marriage, I was a hot mess express and there were just so many things that I would buck my husband on. I did not trust him. Oh my gosh. I did not trust him. And not even that I, it was like, I didn't trust him with other women.
00:02:42
Speaker
I just like didn't trust him with my emotions. I didn't trust him to take care of me. I didn't trust that he was going to do all the things that he said he was going to do. I also didn't trust him with women and like he gave me no reason to. I came into the relationship with this baggage and it was really damaging because
00:03:10
Speaker
here he is like trying to provide a safe space in marriage, being a good husband, wanting to take care of me. And I would just like put my hand up and be like, no, thank you. Like I got this. You know, and the thought behind that was, was on a really deep spiritual and emotional and even physical level, I really did believe that he was going to leave me.
00:03:40
Speaker
and not necessarily leave me for another woman or it wasn't this insecure, it was just, he was just gonna leave me in general. He was just gonna leave. And so this is what is so damaging about the abandonment wound is that we believe that when somebody, usually a caregiver from our past, it can be a father, a mother,
00:04:11
Speaker
any type of caregiver, a grandparent, an aunt, a friend, whoever, when they emotionally abandon us or physically abandon us, when that happens and that abandonment wound gets created, we can walk throughout our whole lives looking at friends like, you're going to abandon me.
00:04:37
Speaker
looking at partners like you're gonna abandon me, looking at children like you're gonna abandon me, like this is the lens that we view life through. And you will see this threaded throughout society because like I was always told never let a man, never let a man take care of you. You need to provide for yourself. You don't ever let a man, okay, hold on, pause.
00:05:06
Speaker
If we unravel this thought process of never rely on a man and never allow a man to take care of you, what is this coming from? Where is this coming from? It's actually coming from fear. The fear is don't fully submit and relax and unwind in your marriage and don't truly trust because if you do,
00:05:35
Speaker
You're putting yourself at a high risk of being left, of him taking all the money and running, of you trusting him and him just totally blindsiding you and cheating on you or leaving or changing his mind. That's where this mindset comes from. And it is from an abandonment wound. It stems from an abandonment mindset.
00:06:05
Speaker
And so that's why when we see these things online about, you know, women need to take care of their own and don't ever trust a man, that is toxic. That you are literally taking somebody else's wound and you are reposting it on your Instagram and you're saying, yeah, that, but it's actually not healthy at all. Because true love says, you know what, even if,
00:06:35
Speaker
you cheat on me, even if something happens to you, even if this relationship or this marriage does not work out. I am going to play full out because I would rather play full out and totally have experienced love than play one foot in, one foot out,
00:07:01
Speaker
but got a half dose of joy, got a half dose of what marriage can really offer, got a half dose of love. And there are some people who they are married and they're one foot in, one foot out, and they never really get to enjoy the full fruit of the union of marriage because they have a wall up because they have this mindset of, you know what? Like,
00:07:29
Speaker
If I fully trust you and let you in and you let me down, it's going to hurt me so bad. But what if they don't let you down? What if they actually don't let you down and you get to live out your whole entire life happily, truly married? And it's a risk. It's a huge risk to say, I'm going to literally give all of me to you. That is a huge risk.
00:08:00
Speaker
But as we say in the business world, high risk, high reward. You being able to totally unwind and give 100% of your heart to somebody is a high risk. High risk, they're going to cheat on you. High risk, they're going to pass away early. High risk, they're going to take all of the money they've worked for and you're going to be stuck.
00:08:27
Speaker
and you're gonna have to start your life over, it's a really high risk. But by golly, if it works out, it is the highest reward.
Roots and Signs of Abandonment Wounds
00:08:38
Speaker
And so that is what we're called to do in marriage. We're called to fully, I call it relaxing in marriage. Like, I'm just gonna let you take care of me. You know what, I didn't care. I'm just gonna put all my fear aside. I'm gonna put all my worry aside.
00:08:57
Speaker
I'm just gonna go head first into this marriage and I'm just gonna enjoy it while it's good. And I hope it's good forever. But when we struggle with the abandonment wound, when somebody has abandoned us, it's really, really hard for us to open up our hearts and allow them to love us fully. So let's look at
00:09:27
Speaker
if you are unsure that you have an abandonment wound, let's look at what that might look like in your life. But before we do, I wanna just say that when you have been abandoned by somebody that you love, they could have very much still physically been in the house with you. People who struggle from the abandonment wound, both parents were in their house,
00:09:56
Speaker
but emotionally the parents were not there. So this could look like having parents who worked a lot. They were always gone. My husband had two immigrant parents. They didn't have a choice. They both worked like four jobs and the kids all took care of each other. And yes, they saw their kids. They weren't like totally gone, but they worked most of the time. And while they were providing an incredible life for their children,
00:10:26
Speaker
That can lead to abandonment because emotionally, they may not have had the time to pour into their children, even though they were physically providing, there was food on the table. It looked great. We need more than just physical presence. So
00:10:49
Speaker
You can also actually, somebody can actually be gone. Like a parent can leave, a caregiver can actually remove themselves from your life. And this leads, leads the child. And then it doesn't just happen, have to happen in a childhood. It does typically happen in childhood.
00:11:06
Speaker
but this can leave the child feeling abandoned. This is what happened in my situation. My dad left when I was very young for whatever the reason. I love my dad. He's amazing. He's one of the funniest people in the whole wide world. But him and my mom, they split when I was very young and I lived with my mom and my dad kind of moved off. And that created a gaping hole in my heart because I felt abandoned by my dad.
00:11:36
Speaker
Here's the other thing about trauma that we need to understand. Trauma is subjective. Just because I say I feel abandoned, there could be 10 other people who know me and know me growing up and they could say, no, you were not. That was not the way it happened. But here's the thing about trauma.
00:12:04
Speaker
When somebody says, this is my trauma, we have to validate that that's what they went through. That was their perspective of reality. And we see this a lot when we talk to our parents about what happened to us when we were younger, you'll see parents say things like, you had it good, or that's not what happened. And it's because maybe it didn't happen like that. However,
00:12:34
Speaker
trauma is in the eyes of the beholder. If somebody really in their mind and body and heart and soul and spirit experienced that level of trauma, it doesn't matter what the actual and I'm doing air quotations actually happened. That's what happened to them and it caused this, you know, wound. So
00:13:03
Speaker
just a little backstory on trauma and how it can actually happen when it pertains to the abandonment wound. So let's look at some things that, you know, might come up in your today life if you are listening and you're like, aha, I have had a caregiver that abandoned me. I have had a, you know, a parent that abandoned me. I want to show you how
00:13:29
Speaker
abandonment can show up in present day and show up in marriage, show up in relationships. Number one is fear of rejection. So people who have been left have been abandoned, whether like I said, physically, when I say left for the rest of this podcast, just go ahead and assume that I'm talking about physically and emotionally. Um, people who have been, you know, abandoned,
00:13:58
Speaker
They have an intense fear of rejection because where they have been left before, they don't want to be rejected again. They look at it like, wow, the reason I got abandoned when I was younger may have been something I did, so let me be perfect. We can also see this show up as perfectionism.
00:14:24
Speaker
let me just show up so perfect because if I show up perfect, then you're not going to leave me and you're not going to abandon me and everything is going to be good. Like it can show up as perfectionism 100%. I am a recovering perfectionist. So fear of rejection is a huge one. One thing that's really powerful in relationships is the ability to be able to give and receive feedback. So,
00:14:54
Speaker
me and John started this a while back, but we'll say, Hey, are you in a place where you can receive feedback? And if the answer is yes, great. There's the green light. Well, it took me years to get to this point because anytime John would give me feedback, I would take it personal. Oh my gosh, personal. And it's not personal. It's feedback. It's just, it's, Hey, this is a pattern that I noticed that you're doing or,
00:15:23
Speaker
Hey, you've been like, you know, kind of snappy this week, but because I had that underlying fear, that underlying abandonment, the way my brain would see it is, oh my gosh, he's given me feedback, which means he's rejecting me. And because he's rejecting me, oh my gosh, is he going to leave? Like that's where my brain went. Now I wasn't actually thinking that in my mind.
00:15:49
Speaker
but my inner child, my subconscious was thinking that. And so that's actually what's important is our inner child. Also, clinging behavior. So you're very clingy. You need to know where your partner is. Maybe you're always looking at their location or you can't do anything without them. Like if they need to go out of town, you're very codependent.
00:16:20
Speaker
You need to, you're just overly dependent, which is incredibly smothering behavior, might I add. Now I can say this was never me. I am not clingy. In fact, I'm the opposite. I can be detached. It's because you need to cling to people because you have a fear that they're going to leave you just like your caregiver did, just like your parent did.
00:16:46
Speaker
Um, so that's where the clinging behavior can come in. And I am not shaming any of these behaviors. Um, I'm just saying this was not, this is not one of mine. Another one can be jealousy and insecurity. Maybe you are highly jealous, highly insecure. Uh, your husband or boyfriend can never go out and have a guy's night. If he talks to another girl, you get very defensive. You get very angry.
00:17:15
Speaker
And that's because the fear that they might leave you for somebody else is very present. It's a very real feeling for you. And so that's one way or one reason why jealousy and insecurity can show up. Now, this is one that I have personally struggled with very much so and that is avoidance and emotional distance. So you have some people that can be very clingy and then you have the other side
00:17:43
Speaker
which is where people can be very avoidant or like detached. So that's the kind of the trek that I took. And that's where the mindset around it is like, okay, if I don't get too close to you, you can't hurt me. So as I was saying at the beginning,
00:18:04
Speaker
We kind of have that one foot in, one foot out mindset of like, okay, like I'm here, but I'm not too here. Because if I pour all of my eggs in one basket and then the basket drops, I'm going to be shattered. I'm going to be let down. And so we tend to protect ourselves. And one way that we think that we can protect ourselves is by not showing all of our cards, not being incredibly vulnerable.
00:18:33
Speaker
People who say, I don't cry, this is like a typical behavior. They don't cry because they don't wanna show weakness. They wanna keep their walls up. And this not only shows up in marriage and relationships, this can also show up in friendships. And this is something that I have personally struggled with because I have not allowed, I will like wanna, you know, I wanted to have really deep intimate girlfriend relationships
00:19:03
Speaker
but because I have struggled with emotional intimacy, like I don't reach out or like I'm the friend that if you want to hang out with me, you got to call or text me cause I'm not reaching out to you. And it's not because I don't want to, it's just because I have this emotional disconnection that I've had to work through as a woman to where I have to actually be very intentional about reaching out to my girlfriends about
00:19:31
Speaker
Um, you know, being vulnerable, like I have really close girlfriends who like, I would not want to be vulnerable with them because I'm like, uh-uh, if I'm vulnerable with you and then you turn around and you tell somebody, oh, it's going to be so bad and I'm going to be so hurt. And so this is a, this is one that can really cut deep and, um, you know, emotional distance
00:19:52
Speaker
can sabotage a relationship. You will see a lot of women say that this is how their man shows up for them. So like, you know, he doesn't talk about his feelings. He doesn't, you know, and for whatever reason that is, this is that, that avoidance, that emotional distance. Like I said, difficulty trusting, like you just have such a hard time trusting.
00:20:20
Speaker
there's a wall up and I'm gonna go into why that is, if you guys wanna hang on till the end. We're gonna talk about the spiritual side of the abandonment wound and why it can be so, so hard to heal this wound. Okay, so here, this is a huge one, over accommodating people pleasing. So when we people please, this can also fall in line with co-dependence. What we're doing is like,
00:20:49
Speaker
And I'll give you guys an example. When I first got married, I would overdo everything, over clean the house, over cook, over clean, which I'm a homemaker. So like that's my role anyway, but I would overdo it because when my husband came home, I wanted to make sure that it was top notch for him, top of the line, no smudge on the counter, no clothing laying in the floor.
00:21:17
Speaker
high level perfectionism. And what I was doing was I was over accommodating my husband because in my mind, if I work to be the perfect wife for you, the perfect wife who gets all the laundry done right and it gets the taxes done and the kids are bade, then they're in matching outfits, then you will have no reason to leave me and abandon me. Okay.
00:21:45
Speaker
And so that's where we can get into that over compensation and really overextending ourselves, over serving, which eventually we totally crash and burn and we wear ourselves out. Now the healthy side of that is like, you know what? I'm actually going to allow my house to be messy because I am healed and I am in a marriage.
00:22:12
Speaker
where my husband doesn't judge me based on what the house looks like. And that's the tricky thing about the abandonment wound is that my husband was never judging me on what the house looked like. I was judging me on that. But I projected that. I projected that onto my husband. And then I was just wearing myself out. And my coach is actually on here right now. She can attest to this. But I have done so much work
00:22:41
Speaker
around perfectionism, how things don't actually have to be perfect. And I'm allowed to put messy content out on the internet. I'm allowed to put something that's not perfect out there and I'm not going to get rejected. And even if I do, it's okay. It's okay. And so, um, this is just been something that I have worked on over and over and over again.
00:23:09
Speaker
and I am so much more healed today than I was in the past. And so those are some of the characteristics of the abandonment wound.
Spiritual Healing and Breaking Cycles
00:23:20
Speaker
And now I want to talk about the spiritual side because this is one aspect, if not the most important aspect that I believe, um, I have to be careful here because I want to be respectful. Therapy,
00:23:36
Speaker
And even like the gurus, they totally take this aspect out of healing. And this actually is the most important part of the healing process. And that is the spiritual side. Okay. You can go to therapy all day long. You can do these journaling prompts that I'm going to show you all day long. But if you do not heal the spiritual side,
00:24:05
Speaker
of what you're going through. If you do not allow God to heal the spiritual side, you are just going to see it show up in a different way. You may feel better in your head. You may have processed some things up here in your head once you do these journaling prompts, but until it is spiritually taken care of, it's not going anywhere and it's just going to stay there. And so,
00:24:31
Speaker
I want to read something very powerful to you. This is a book, highly recommend you get it if any of what I'm saying is touching your spirit and if you're resonating with it. And this is gonna be a few points out of the book called The Orphan Spirit. Because when you think about somebody who got abandoned, what happens?
00:25:01
Speaker
they become an orphan. Maybe not physically, maybe they were never put in an orphan's home. I'm doing air quotations again, but emotionally and spiritually, they are an orphan. And this is actually the most powerful part of the work here is what I'm about to read to you. So it says,
00:25:29
Speaker
Many of humanity's problems can be traced back to the orphan spirit. It's an ancient spirit unleashed upon mankind through the work of the devil. It is a spirit whose chief joy is to separate children from their father. It's the same spirit that destroyed the relationship between God and Adam. Pause. This is a spirit that has been
00:25:59
Speaker
in the earth since the beginning of time. And if you'll see, it separates. So it separated God from Adam. It separated the child from the caregiver. Now what's happening in marriage? It's separating the husband from the wife. All right, let's keep reading.
00:26:29
Speaker
It came from the heart of the devil in the garden of Eden for he was and will continually be the first orphan. His primary goal is to turn everyone into a version of himself. Fatherless, disinheartened and lost.
00:26:54
Speaker
Before he unleashed the orphan spirit into the world, the Garden of Eden was a perfect place to raise a family. The King of Heaven desired to have a family which he could love for all eternity. He wanted to be a father to his children and longed for their hearts to be knit to his. Satan is fatherless. When he was cast out of Heaven,
00:27:23
Speaker
He became fatherless. He has no father. And what do people do who are unhappy? They want you to be unhappy. Oh, if I can't have joy, neither can you. That's why we all know somebody who they're drama, they're unhappy. So their primary goal is to project their unhappiness onto you. That is what's going on here with the orphan spirit.
00:27:51
Speaker
It was unleashed at the beginning of the ages and it continues to roam around and look for weak spots where it can stick its hand in. And I'm going to tell you guys something so incredibly wild. When you look generationally, look at, pay very close attention to the generations, to your generations, okay?
00:28:22
Speaker
My mom has an orphan spirit because my grandfather was an alcoholic and he was an incredible man and he provided emotionally. He was not there. Generationally. What did I tell you guys at the beginning of the podcast? My dad left me emotionally and physically. Boom. We've already seen it show up in two generations. Why?
00:28:52
Speaker
because it hasn't gotten stopped and healed yet. Three, I have a son who I am no longer with his father. So even now, even now, me and my son's father are incredibly on great terms. There will be a part of my son that feels somewhat abandoned because me and his father are not together. It does not matter how great of a co-parenting job
00:29:21
Speaker
we do. God's design was for us to be wife, husband, children. How crazy is it that this orphan spirit shows up in three generations? This is what we call a generational curse. Why has it continued on and on and on and on? Because nobody's broken it.
00:29:48
Speaker
because most of us are ignorant and we don't know how to. And when I say ignorant, I don't mean stupid. I mean blind. We're just blind. We've never been taught this stuff. Nobody has ever went over this with us. We don't know how to stop what's going on. But if you pause and you look at your bloodline, and this is a great journaling prompt, what patterns do I see
00:30:18
Speaker
in my bloodline. Is it addiction? Are you addicted? Was your mom addicted? Are your uncles and aunts addicted? Was your grandparents addicted? If so, you got a spirit of addiction in your family. This is spiritual. Is it divorce? Do you just notice that your family, just everybody gets divorced? You got a spirit of divorce in your family.
00:30:48
Speaker
Is it maybe it's like me? It's that abandonment, that orphan spirit. There are multiple people in my family who the mom and the dad split and the dad flew the coup. Orphan spirit is in my family. It's in my bloodline. It's a generational curse. But in the name of Jesus, your girl is going to break it off because it is not going past my bloodline.
00:31:14
Speaker
My children will not, they will not experience the orphan spirit because I decided to stand up and take authority and say no more. We're done here. I see you orphan spirit and you're done, okay? So that's how we, that's what we do. We gotta take authority over this stuff. Maybe it's depression. Is everybody in your family depressed? Maybe everyone in your family is overweight.
00:31:44
Speaker
You got a spirit of gluttony in your family. Gluttony is overindulging. You overindulge on food. You overindulge on wine. You overindulge on video games. Look very closely. Some of you guys don't even have to look closely. It's glaringly obvious in your face. What are the patterns that you see repeated throughout the generations in your home?
00:32:16
Speaker
and now that you've heard this message it is on you it is on you so good to break this off it is on you to bring it to the cross and say like hell like hell it's gonna come after me anymore like hell it's gonna come after me and my children like hell my children are gonna walk through this no we ain't
00:32:50
Speaker
I want to read you some beautiful scriptures if you have struggled with the orphan spirit. This says, a father's love letter. This is all straight from the Bible. And by the way, God loves
00:33:12
Speaker
and has a very special place in his heart for orphans. So when you're reading the Bible and you see orphans, it's not just the orphan you're thinking about, it's this orphan as well. It's the abandon and spirit. I want to read, it says, Father's love letter. My child, you may not know me, but I know everything about you.
00:33:41
Speaker
Psalm 139. In other words, you may not have a father or a mother or a caregiver that loves you, but your heavenly father loves you and he sees you and he knows everything about you. I know when you sit down and when you rise up, Psalm 139 too. In other words, everywhere you go, I'm there with you.
00:34:10
Speaker
I know every move you make. I am familiar with all of your ways. In other words, your parents might not be familiar. You might feel like your parents and your caregiver don't care about you, but God knows all of your ways. He sees everything that you do. Even the very hairs on your head are numbered. That means you're unique. You're special. They may not have treated you like you're unique and like you're special, but you are.
00:34:41
Speaker
For you were made in my image. In me, you live and move and have your being. For you are my offspring. That is a prophetic word right there. You may not identify with being your mother, father, caregiver's child, but you are God's child. And that is what matters.
00:35:09
Speaker
I knew you before you were conceived. A spirit of abandonment, a spirit of rejection can come in through an unwanted pregnancy. If you have a mother who maybe she found out she was pregnant with a girl, but she wanted a boy and she very verbally expresses hatred, anger, sarcastic jokes,
00:35:35
Speaker
Maybe even when the child is born, she makes comments about, oh, I really wanted a boy. Things like that. Boom. You have an orphan spirit. Yeah, I know it's not fair, but the devil doesn't play fair. He doesn't care about fair. He cares about territory. And he looks for those, those open doors to come in and take territory. And just like that, the orphan spirit can be upon you. And so I love this Jeremiah one four.
00:36:03
Speaker
I knew you before you were conceived, meaning this is how I take it. Even if your parents did not want you, even if your parents wanted an abortion, even if they rejected you, I knew you and I saw you and I love you. And that is truly, truly what we have to rest on when we go through this deep
00:36:32
Speaker
feeling and sense of abandonment. And there are times, I don't care how much you heal, there are times when this just hits and it hurts. But one thing that gets me through is I'm like, you know what? And I say this even outside of the abandonment. I don't care if my husband doesn't love me, of course I care. My children, if they abandon me, my friends, I have God with me. I have God with me.
00:37:06
Speaker
How about this? I chose you when I planned creation. I know we're not talking about abortion, but there's one for everyone who says, oh, well, you know, all of the children who are in the orphanages and all these homeless children, doesn't matter. It doesn't matter. You were chosen when God planned the earth, when God created the earth. He already knew you were coming.
00:37:35
Speaker
You are not a mistake for all of your days are written in my book. And it goes on and on. And this is from the book, healing the orphan, healing the orphan spirit. It's an incredible book. So those were all really beautiful.
00:38:05
Speaker
I want to go over really quickly 11 traits that contrast the orphan spirit from the spirit of sonship.
Living Beyond Abandonment
00:38:15
Speaker
So the spirit of sonship is the opposite of the orphan spirit. The orphan does not know who his parents are. The son does.
00:38:30
Speaker
Romans 8.14, for as many as are led by the Spirit of God, these are the sons of God. For you did not receive the Spirit of bondage again to fear, but you received the Spirit of adoption by whom we cry out, all the Father. The Spirit himself bears witness with our spirit that we are children of God. We are sons. We are sons.
00:38:58
Speaker
Number one, the orphan spirit operates out of insecurity and jealousy. The spirit of sonship functions out of love and acceptance. Remember, we talked about insecurity and jealousy on the characteristics. Number two, the orphan spirit is jealous of the success of his brothers. The mature son is committed to the success of his brothers. My, my, how many of us are jealous
00:39:29
Speaker
of the accomplishments of others. How many of us feel good about ourselves when our friends beside us fail because that's what makes us feel good about ourselves. The orphan spirit serves God to earn the Father's love. Remember what I said about earning? You need to like put on a show and earn the love
00:39:59
Speaker
But the mature son serves God out of a sense of divine acceptance and favor. The way that this correlates to marriage is don't do your husband's laundry and put it away so you can earn his love. Do it because you want to be a blessing to his life. I'm going to read that again.
00:40:26
Speaker
The orphan spirit serves God to earn his love. This is religion. This is religion. I'm not gonna eat pork because I wanna
00:40:37
Speaker
earn it. I'm not gonna you know do this or I'm gonna you know I'm gonna go to church five times a week so that I can get into that is not how we cannot earn God's love. We are so broken and we are so evil and wicked that even if you like even if we tried our hardest we could never earn God's love. That's why God sent Jesus to die on a cross for us because we could not do it on our own.
00:41:07
Speaker
When you are operating out of sonship, you serve God because you literally love him, not because you're trying to earn his love. Oh, this is a good one. The orphan spirit tries to medicate his deep internal alienation through physical stimulation, drugs, porn, busyness, money,
00:41:36
Speaker
The mature son walks in the joy and the present of the Lord for comfort. I smoked marijuana for almost a decade, friends, so I can speak right into this one. Self-medicating instead of casting your cares on the Lord. Running to porn instead of casting your cares on the Lord. Running to food.
00:42:06
Speaker
instead of casting your cares on the Lord. The orphan spirit is driven by the need for success. But the Holy Spirit leads the mature son into his calling and mission. That's a word right there. But when we are trying to earn God's love, this is where you see a lot of people in the church who wear themselves out.
00:42:35
Speaker
Serving, serving, serving, serving, serving, serving. They're not doing it because they have a deep reverence for the Lord and because they really want to serve his kingdom. Maybe some of them are, but it's because they're driven by success. They're trying to earn their way into the kingdom and that is not how the kingdom is set up. Number six, the orphan spirit uses people as objects to fulfill their goals. Mature sons serve
00:43:04
Speaker
people to bless the kingdom. The orphan spirit uses people as objects to fulfill their goals. Mature sons serve people to bless the kingdom. Are you somebody who does something for somebody because you want to see what you can get out of it? Because that's what we're talking about here.
00:43:32
Speaker
or do you actually do something for people because you wanna be a blessing to them? This is heart posture. Nobody knows the answer to this but you and God, but this is all about checking your heart posture. Am I serving the church because I really wanna grow the kingdom or am I serving the church so that I can sit on the front row? Whoa, that's a word. The orphan spirit repels their children.
00:44:02
Speaker
the spirit of sonship attracts their children. Number eight, the orphan spirit has issues with anger and fits of rage. My, my good girl is creating an online course called Rage 2 Regulated because I have struggled so much with anger and rage. And I wonder where it comes from.
00:44:31
Speaker
The spirit of sonship rests in the father's ability to control and guide their future. I want to just stop here for a second because this is one that I can speak to. The orphan spirit has issues with anger and fits of rage. Why? Because the orphan spirit is highly controlling and highly operates in a spirit of fear. And so
00:44:57
Speaker
We try to control things when I say we, I'm not talking about the today me, I'm talking about the old me. And what we do is when things come out of our control, oh heck no, we're gonna go off, we're gonna throw things, we're gonna show our behinds, we're gonna cuss, we're gonna just show the full range of emotion. But when you know who you are,
00:45:28
Speaker
And you know whose you are. Doesn't matter if you're late to the party. Doesn't matter if your husband doesn't show up for you in the way you need. Doesn't matter if your children are
00:45:40
Speaker
are off the deep end. You rest in the fact that, you know what? I don't care because my father controls my future. But if you don't know your father, if you don't know your father like the orphan spirit doesn't, you don't know that level of trust with your father. Number nine, the orphan spirit is always in competition with others.
00:46:08
Speaker
The spirit of sonship is always blessing others. Do you feel the need to compete with others? Or are you like, I don't even care. I'm just gonna be a blessing to you and you and you and you. What's your heart posture there? Number 10, the orphan spirit has a lack of self-esteem. The spirit of sonship walks in the love and acceptance of Father God.
00:46:38
Speaker
I call it Godfidence. You got Godfidence. I'm like, I don't care. My father's got me. My father's got my back. So I don't even care. That's what the son says. The orphan spirit has low self-esteem because he doesn't know his father and he doesn't know that his father doesn't have his back. So he has low self-esteem. This is the last one, number 11. The orphan spirit receives their primary identity. This is big. We see this a lot in today's culture.
00:47:08
Speaker
through material possessions, their physical appearance and activities. Girl got the eyelashes on, the fake nails, drives the Range Rover, got the spray tan on, 20,000 followers on Instagram, but broken. But broken. The spirit of sonship has their identity grounded in their sonship and the father's affirmation.
00:47:42
Speaker
And this has been revolutionary to me because you guys for so long, I thought I needed, I have a breast augmentation, used to have fake eyelashes. Oh my gosh, like makeup had to always be done, eyelashes had to always be done, fake nails had to always be done, spray tan had to always be done, always had to wear the best of the best. I will admit, I was never really a designer girl, but I always had like, you know,
00:48:11
Speaker
It's always looking good. When I walk into a room, I'm always going to be put together even if I don't feel like it. That is not something to brag on. That is literally because I was so broken on the inside that my mindset, and this was at a very subconscious level, was that if I can just look together on the outside, I'm good.
00:48:38
Speaker
It's just so funny. As I watch the physical manifestation of my healing, something in me one day was like, I'm done with nails. I actually don't care about acrylic nails. I'm not gonna say I'll never get them done anymore, but I just don't care about them anymore. It's actually an energy drain to go get villains every three weeks. And that's because I just did not have the capacity to try to pretend
00:49:07
Speaker
to look done up anymore. I actually don't care if I show up with no eyelashes and fake nails. And if my skin is the beautiful olive complexion that it naturally is, I actually don't care because I'm healed. Like, I'm healed. And I know that no level of outward physical appearance determines my worth. When I had the orphan spirit, yes, I absolutely thought that
00:49:37
Speaker
what I look like on the outside determine my worth. And I also judged other people by that too. And this is why you cannot judge people. And this is why you should not elevate people that you do not personally know because today in today's society, you will judge people based on their Instagram. But oh my gosh, how broken could they be? But you want to judge them strictly based off external factors.
00:50:06
Speaker
But the Lord says that he does not judge outward appearance, but he judges the heart. So I have some really, really good journaling prompts.
Tools and Support for Emotional Regulation
00:50:27
Speaker
And I'm just going to run through a few of them real quick. I'm also going to post them in the description of the podcast so you can just snag them.
00:50:36
Speaker
but I'm just gonna go through a few. So there's two aspects, I just wanna say, there's two aspects to this. Number one is you gotta get prayer and you gotta get set free from this orphan spirit that has taken up residence in your spirit. Yes, you heard what I said, if this is new revelation to you, you are not alone in your spirit. You got some company there and it's not company that you wanna take any further with you.
00:51:05
Speaker
That's the first thing. These journaling prompts are incredible, but this is not all you need. This is to be partnered with true prayer and deliverance. So describe a specific event or memory from your past where you felt abandoned or rejected what happened and who was involved. So I'll just give you guys, um,
00:51:31
Speaker
kind of a little walkthrough of how I do journaling prompts. So I'll sit here and I'll just take a few deep breaths. And I'll just say, Father, thank you for who you are. Thank you that you did not leave me to be an orphan, but that you sent your son Jesus to down and cross so that I could be a son, so that I could be a daughter of the Most High, so that I could walk in to authority.
00:51:59
Speaker
so that I could walk into the throne room and ask you for whatever I need because I know you intimately as my father, not as some far off God that is angry and wants to punish me for my sin. Father, you are here with me now. Holy Spirit, as I go through this list of questions and prompts, I just thank you that you are giving me divine revelation.
00:52:27
Speaker
divine wisdom, divine sight into my past and show me God where this entered so that I can put it at the cross and I can give it to you so that I can walk in healing because you did not send your son to die on a cross so that I can walk through this earth in bondage but in healing. So I thank you for healing.
00:52:57
Speaker
I thank you for healing. Thank you for healing right now. Holy Spirit speak to me over each and every one of these journaling prompts in the name of Jesus. Amen. Set the stage, guys. Prime your spirit to receive what the Lord has for you. Get in a quiet space. We call it the upper room. Get in an upper room.
00:53:26
Speaker
where all noise is canceled and let it just be you and the Lord and ask these questions. So I'll just ask a few of them. Describe a specific event or memory from your past where you felt abandoned or rejected. What happened and who was involved. You will be amazed what will come up. And this is what I'll say about journaling.
00:53:54
Speaker
Do not judge what comes up and do not say, Oh no, that's prop. No, no. If the Holy Spirit's bringing it, you need to write it down and you write down every single instance that comes up. Every single thing that comes up, you write it down. I don't care if you get a flashback memory from where somebody in school made fun of your Scooby Doo shirt. I do not care. You write it down because it is relevant in your spirit. Here's another one.
00:54:20
Speaker
How did you first become aware of feeling abandoned or rejected in that situation? What were the initial emotions and thoughts that arose? I'm going to tell you guys something very powerful. I had a memory when I was younger that it was one time I was standing outside and I was waiting on my dad to come get me and he never came. He never showed up and I was sitting there waiting and waiting and he never came.
00:54:48
Speaker
And it was absolutely traumatic for me as a little girl because I was so excited to see my dad, but he never, he never showed up. And I went inside and I had like this big wagon of teddy bears and I sat down and I was just crying. I was probably five the age that my son is right now. And I remember my aunt walked up to me. She was probably madder than I don't know what.
00:55:13
Speaker
And she walked up to me and she, I could just, I can even feel the memory of her looking at me with pity. Like she pitied me, not in a bad way, but I'm her, I'm her niece. And she was like, heck no. Oh, heck no. How can you do my niece like this? But I felt the emotion that somebody pitied me. And as a little girl, it made me feel embarrassed. And so I was at a retreat a few months ago.
00:55:42
Speaker
And I asked the Lord, I was preparing my heart because I was wanting to get some prayer. And I was asking the Lord, Lord, what do I need prayer over? What do I need prayer over? And he revealed this to me, spirit of humiliation. I'm like, I'm not humiliated about anything. Like, what are you talking about? And then he revealed this memory to me that when my dad didn't show up and my aunt, who was trying to console me,
00:56:11
Speaker
The feeling that I felt was embarrassed. And right then, a spirit of humiliation entered me. And there's no telling the damage that it's done. But it's important for us to journal what the emotions that come up when we have these memories that we're writing down. That's what I'm trying to say. So the question again was, how did you first become aware of feeling abandoned or rejected?
00:56:41
Speaker
And how did it feel? Because that's important. Because some people might say mad. I was mad. I was so mad, but I wasn't. I was actually embarrassed. So it's very important for us to be able to write down the emotions that we have when these things are going on because those emotions get trapped inside of us. This is a really good one.
00:57:13
Speaker
Consider the people or relationships. Consider the people or relationships that contributed to this abandonment wound. Are there any reoccurring patterns or individuals in your life who have reinforced this feeling of abandonment? You know, it's really hard for us to admit sometimes when people that are still in our lives did us wrong and abandoned us. I've had to have very
00:57:44
Speaker
intense conversations with people who are still in my life. And I said, Hey, look, you actually really hurt me. And I felt really alone when you did this. And a lot of times they're like, I didn't do that. Doesn't matter. Doesn't matter what they say. All that matters is that you, you explore it and you release it. So those are just some of the questions. Like I said, I'm going to put, um,
00:58:11
Speaker
these questions up in my podcast description so that you can go to the upper room, that place where it's just you and the Lord. And you ask the Holy Spirit to soften your heart because let me tell you, you might not have memory, but God, like I read in this love letter, he was with you through it all and he remembers and he has the power to in a second give you a memory.
00:58:40
Speaker
of something maybe you have kept hidden that is causing present day frustration in you. And so before I log off, I want to tell you guys that I created a program, Rage to Regulate it. It is not dropped yet, specifically for women who don't know how to emotionally regulate because of the trauma that they have went through. And so
00:59:11
Speaker
If that is something that you are interested in, shoot me a DM on Instagram, give me your email. So when it drops, you will be one of the first people to have access to it because I know that it is gonna bless so many women. It's a heart project for me. It's just gonna bless so many women. And so if what I talked about today resonated with you,
00:59:38
Speaker
then you are probably going to find a place in my Rage to Regulated course and I believe it's going to bless you too. So thank you guys for hanging out with me today. I hope that you got a word and you know what? Let me just close out in prayer. Let me close out in prayer. Father, thank you so much that
01:00:04
Speaker
that we got to hang out with you today, that we get to learn about your ways, Father. Thank you for who you are, Alpha the Omega. You're the Lord of all. And I just thank you for all of the listeners, everyone who is under the sound of my voice that is struggling with abandonment, who is struggling with the orphan spirit, Lord. I thank you that this is the year
01:00:34
Speaker
that they come into their identity. I thank you that this is the year where they cast off the orphan spirit and they step in to their God-given identity, Father. I declare an open heaven over everyone who is hurting, who feels sad, who has a hole in their heart, left by people who were supposed to take care of them.
01:01:03
Speaker
Lord, we just forgive them. We release them to you. We release the need to be mad. We release the need to be angry. We release the need to be right. We release the need to get revenge over all of those people who hurt us. And we thank you, Lord, for full restoration. I come against the orphan spirit right now in the name of Jesus, and I command you to go.
01:01:32
Speaker
I thank you, Lord, that you sent your son today on a cross so that we do not have to live in bondage. We get to walk in freedom. We get to walk as kings and priests. We get to walk in deep relationship with you. There are people in this world who they get killed for their beliefs, but we get to sit here and we get to freely praise you, God. So thank you so much. Thank you just for the gift of praise.
01:02:04
Speaker
I thank you that transformation is happening right now in the name of Jesus, that healing is taking place right now in the name of Jesus, and that this is a stirring of the Holy Spirit and all who are listening so that they can begin their healing journey with you, Lord. Thank you. And all these things I pray in Jesus' mighty name, amen.
01:02:31
Speaker
All right, you guys. Thank you for hanging out with me today, and I hope this blessed you.