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He Said, She Said: Tackling Top Marriage Complaints
78 Plays1 year ago
It's no new concept how different men and women are, especially when it comes to what the other needs in marriage.
Today on The Listen Sis Podcast i talk about the top marriage complaints from men and women and give some of the top tools you can use in marriage to dial in your communication. From communication breakdowns to the delicate dance of balancing work and family, we unravel the intricacies of love and partnership.
You're absolutely allowed to have challenges but they do not have to become your marriage identity or 'the way it is'. In this conversation you'll be able to walk away and immediately implement these strategies in your own relationship and foster a deeper level of intimacy.
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Transcript
Introduction to the Listen Sis Podcast
00:00:02
Speaker
Welcome to the Listen Sis podcast. All right. So today you guys know that I love to deep dive into the intricacies of relationship, marriage, love, and everything in between. So I'm your host, Josie Soriano.
Exploring Common Marriage Complaints
00:00:17
Speaker
And in today's episode, it's going to be all about cracking the code of common complaints in marriage.
00:00:26
Speaker
So whether you're married or in a relationship or you're just curious about the dynamics of love, you are absolutely in the right place.
Communication Breakdowns and Solutions
00:00:37
Speaker
So in today's episode, we're going to be peeling back the layers and really explore the common gripes that couples often face in marriage relationships.
00:00:51
Speaker
So from communication breakdowns to navigating expectations, we'll be decoding the mysteries of marital challenges and of course offering some insights on how to navigate them. But before we dive in, let me assure you that this is not going to be a doom and gloom session.
00:01:10
Speaker
We're gonna have an open and honest conversation. I'm gonna be sharing personal stories of my own marriage and I'm gonna offer you guys some practical advice and hopefully bring a little bit of light into the honestly hard waters of marriage and relationships. Like they're so hard. So expect some real talk, a few laughs, and most importantly, some valuable takeaways
00:01:39
Speaker
that you guys are going to be able to implement right now in your own relationships and marriages. So whether you're here to relate or learn or just enjoy the conversation, I'm super glad that you're here.
Shared Relationship Challenges
00:01:55
Speaker
All right. So me and my husband are always having conversations with people, mostly married couples about the challenges of relationships. And we laugh because
00:02:09
Speaker
we literally have the same exact challenges. Like we're like men and women are really not that different after all. And anytime we're like going to date night with our friends, it's always like the same topics that come up in relationships. It's like men are from Mars, women are from Venus. Like that's so true and how we're really so different, but we're really not all at the same time.
00:02:37
Speaker
And so I wanted to just shed insight into the top marriage complaints. One, so you can be aware of the top marriage and relationship complaints. But number two, because I think it's important that we understand that we're not alone in our marriage. We're not alone in the relationship.
00:03:03
Speaker
we really are more similar than we are different than people might understand. And it can be very tempting to, you know, be like, wow, my relationship is the only relationship that has this challenge. Like it can be very tempting to think that. But the truth is, is if you got in a room with 20 people, even 10 people, couples,
00:03:29
Speaker
and you were to start talking amongst yourself about the challenges that you go through. You would be very surprised and you would quickly understand that it's, it's, you're not alone. How similar of the convert of the complaints and the challenges that you actually have with other couples.
The Role of Communication in Divorce
00:03:52
Speaker
So in going over the common complaints and marriage and relationships,
00:04:00
Speaker
I want to deep dive into what comes up between men and women. And one of the biggest challenges in relationships in leading to divorce is communication. For some reason, we just don't have that natural ability to communicate with our spouse, with our partner.
00:04:28
Speaker
And so in my experience, it takes a lot of practice and honestly just some simple tools to figure out how to do so. And so I want to read you a study that was done. So at Tango.com, a hundred mental health professionals found that communication problems was cited as the most common factor that leads to divorce.
00:04:58
Speaker
65% of couples who got divorced, it was because of communication. So that's how important communication is. And then the second reason, which was at a 43%, was the inability to resolve conflict. So, so important. Number one, the skill of communication, and number two, the ability to learn how to resolve conflict in relationships.
00:05:26
Speaker
Now we are talking about romantic relationships, but this skill is highly valuable for parenting, for family, for business. Like you just have to know these skills. And so here's where it gets more interesting. The survey also found that men and women have different communication complaints. Okay. We, we know that 70% of experts surveyed said that men,
00:05:55
Speaker
cite nagging and complaining. Wow. So all the women as the top communication challenge for them. So what this is saying is like men think nagging and complaining are like, that's like the men's top turn off when it comes to communication. Women's top complaint.
00:06:22
Speaker
was that their spouse does not validate their opinion or feelings enough. And I absolutely am not surprised by this statistic at all because me and my husband have the exact same challenges. The people we talked to have the same exact challenges. So like this is not surprising at all. And so because it is such a challenge, I wanted to create
00:06:52
Speaker
this episode to go in to these exact dynamics.
Emotional Connection in Relationships
00:06:57
Speaker
So let's just kick it off with the top complaints among women in relationships and marriage. So I have a few written down. These are like the top complaints. These are obviously not all of the complaints, but I'm sure you'll be able to resonate with these ladies. Number one is the lack of emotional connection. We have all heard our friend or even ourselves say he's so closed off, like,
00:07:22
Speaker
He just doesn't share his emotions with me. So women often do express a desire for emotional intimacy with their partners. As women, we can feel very frustrated when we have that lack of emotional support or engagement from our husbands. So, you know, going back to the whole women and men are different.
00:07:48
Speaker
Women and men are very different in the way we process, in the way of our emotional connection with each other. Society also plays a really big factor in this because society does tell men, even if they don't act, even if society doesn't say this, this is the pressure that men have on them is that they are not to be emotional. Emotions are for women. Showing emotions are for women. And so it can be hard for a man
00:08:17
Speaker
to open up emotionally. But I'm gonna get into the actual tools of how you can help your man do this if this is something that you guys struggle with a little later on in the episode. So lack of emotional connection. Number two, communication issues. So many of us, we feel frustrated when we have this communication come up and that our husbands are maybe dismissing us
00:08:47
Speaker
or this plays back into the emotional connection, so communication issues. Unmet expectations. I know personally, this is one that I have totally struggled with as a wife who's married, just feeling like I am not, all the things that I want in my marriage, like my husband is not taking them off. I have these wants, these needs,
00:09:17
Speaker
and these desires. I want him to help with the house. I want him to help with the children, our shared responsibilities. I want him to send me flowers. I want him to date me on a date night. These expectations that I have, they're not met. And this can be, you just feel like you're let down time and time again in the relationship. And as this happens over and over again, it can lead to bitterness, frustration, resentment, even hatred,
00:09:47
Speaker
if it goes on for long enough. Number four, feeling undervalued. Women are natural nurturers. We have a lot of things that we have to tend to. The children, the home, the husband, our job, our families, maybe our parents. We have so many things that we do. We are doers.
00:10:13
Speaker
you know, oftentimes we can feel very unappreciated in our contributions, whether it be they don't say thank you or whether they just don't, you know, the men don't show us like a tenderness, whatever it is, that feeling under value. That was one of the points that women express that they really, like it's a complaint for them. Like he does not appreciate me and what I do.
00:10:39
Speaker
And then the last one I have, and I'm sure there are so, so many, but these are just the top, is balancing work and family. And, you know, me being married to an entrepreneur, an alpha, who runs a very successful business, who travels a lot. We have two children. We live in a state where we do not have any family here.
00:11:03
Speaker
it can be very hard to balance the work, life, business scenario. And that is actually a very frequent and topic of conversation in our household. And so I
00:11:20
Speaker
do believe that balance can exist, but it's very, very hard to achieve. This is where boundaries come into place. So this is another challenge that a lot of women have. So lack of emotional connection, communication issues, unmet expectations, feeling undervalued like you do not feel appreciated and balancing work and family, which is, you know, maybe you don't feel supported in your career as a woman or you feel like he isn't balancing you into his
00:11:50
Speaker
work and his career. It could go either way. All right. Let's look at his perspective because we don't want to just give one side of the story. Relationships are absolutely two people coming together and his side is just as important as our side. And there is a trend right now. It is very trendy for women to say things like, he just wants a mama.
00:12:19
Speaker
or he's not in his masculine, or if he would do X, I would do X. I absolutely think this thinking is toxic. I'm not going to deny that some of these points are not true, but here's the deal. Many of these things that are trendy right now is a result of the woman not providing a welcoming and safe
00:12:46
Speaker
and feminine and nurturing and loving and kind environment for her man to show up in the way that he needs and can show up. That is a very unpopular opinion. But as a wife, as someone who has been here, who used to have an independent, I don't need no man, he needs to straighten up mindset, I can absolutely tell you that women can influence. They set the tone in the house
00:13:16
Speaker
for how their men show up. And so really adopting this Victor mindset of like, you know, I don't care how he's acting. I'm going to get my ducks in a row. I'm going to create an environment where he can thrive because that's what a queen does. A queen does not complain that her man is not showing up. A queen says, you know what? He's not showing up the way that he,
00:13:46
Speaker
is able to the way that I believe that he can. So let me furnish an environment. Let me create an environment that breeds success for my husband. This is a next level woman. This is not the woman that's trending on Instagram. The women who are trending on Instagram are complaining. A true queen is a solution seeker. Let me say that again. A true queen is a solution
00:14:14
Speaker
Seeker don't come into the relationship with your problems come to the relationship with Solutions and you are going to find that this is how you truly step in to creating a powerful relationship and a powerful marriage That was a side note. Okay, let's move into understanding his perspective So These are the top complaints for men
00:14:43
Speaker
about women. He feels criticized and nagged. Oh my goodness. This is like so true. Like even the Bible is it talks about a woman being, a nagging woman being like a dripping faucet, drip, drip, drip. She never stops. She's annoying. She won't stop. She's under your, like the Bible even talks about a nagging woman. So
00:15:15
Speaker
The reason I say this is because women are going to nag. It's funny because that's our nature. Our nature is to nag and that's why the Bible even speaks on it. It warns women, don't be this woman. The Bible says a wise woman built her house, but a foolish woman tears it down.
00:15:37
Speaker
Don't be a woman who nags your man. If you want to turn your man off, go nag him. Go nag him. There are men, and I just believe this is like a, it's like a pandemic in our society of women who nag men. They mama him. They don't know how to be a queen.
00:16:04
Speaker
They don't know how to influence. They don't know how to ask for what they want. They don't know how to set the stage. So they nag. And this is incredibly annoying, incredibly annoying. Men want feedback and positive reinforcement. They don't want to hear you nagging. They don't want to hear you treating them like you treat the kids. Number two, a lack of physical intimacy. I have a very,
00:16:31
Speaker
unpopular opinion on intimacy in marriage. I believe that there are so many women who are lazy in bed and they want to do the I'm tired. I've been watching kids all day. I've been at work all day and hey, listen sis, I get it because I have an incredibly packed schedule. I have a nanny to help with our children because that's how busy we stay.
00:16:57
Speaker
So and I live away from family and we run an empire and I have my own, but so like, I get it. You're tired and it's valid. But do you say that to your children when they wake up in the morning and they're hungry? Do you say, I'm too tired to make you breakfast? No, you go do it because it needs to be done. Why do we treat intimacy with our husbands any different? We literally put this man on the back burner. We're tired.
00:17:27
Speaker
I don't want to do that says you need to change your attitude and you need to go sexually satisfy your husband. Period. And I know it's very unpopular and so many women are like, Oh my gosh, this is my body and my boundaries. Hey, listen, I get it. You're entitled to not have sex if you don't want to. There are some nights where you're tired or you're on your period or it's been a long week or maybe you're going through a bout of depression.
00:17:53
Speaker
or maybe you're anxious, but you should not be sexually starving your man. Because we are in an era where men are sexually starved and then they're criticized for going and looking at naked women on Instagram. Well, of course he's going to do that because you're not giving him what he wants, even though you promised him you would when you guys got married. And I'm not saying that that justifies cheating, but some of you women need to understand
00:18:20
Speaker
The only place your man can get sexual satisfaction is from you and you're not giving it to him. And eventually, this is one thing we say in our marriage, if you take somebody who has not eaten for two months, like right now, if you put a rat in front of me, I'm gonna be like, that's disgusting.
Intimacy and Personal Space in Marriage
00:18:39
Speaker
I would never eat a rat. But if I haven't eaten in two months and you put a rat and a dead rat in front of me, I may change my mind a little bit because I am starving. I am desperate. I am in a moment.
00:18:50
Speaker
of weakness. And this is exactly how affairs happen. You starve a man long enough, he will get desperate. Period. I know. Very unsexy, very unpopular opinion. I'm not saying it justifies having an affair, but what I'm saying is you need to adopt the mindset of intimacy with your spouse is your duty. It's your duty. Moving on.
00:19:18
Speaker
need for personal space. So this is a complaint that a lot of men have because we all need autonomy. We all need personal space. We all need a night out with the girls or a night out with the boys. We need to be able to be our own person outside of a marriage. It's called interdependence. I am in a marriage, but I am dependent, meaning I'm my own person.
00:19:47
Speaker
And many men feel overwhelmed by constant togetherness. I know women who the husband can't even go out of town and work because the husband always needs to be around. The husband can't go out of town. The husband can't go here. They always need to be together. Give your man some spaces. Let him breathe. And you go figure it out. You're a big girl. Go figure it out for yourself.
00:20:14
Speaker
Personal space, give that man space. Financial stress, this is a huge one. And I understand that not all people listening to this, the men provide. I understand most households are the woman works and the men work, but men carry, most men carry this pressure to provide for their families. Like they have this just very heavy pressure
00:20:44
Speaker
that they need to provide for their families. And they want to be appreciated and they want to be loved for the fact that they are going out here and they are in the marketplace and they are providing for their families. And so that financial stress is a huge one on men. It's a huge one. And there are things you can do as a woman or vice versa to help your partner out if they are the one who is providing.
00:21:12
Speaker
And then the last one I have is difficulty expressing emotion. Many men face the challenge in expressing their emotion because they feel misunderstood. Maybe the woman jumps the gun or she cuts him off or she tries to speak for him. Whatever it is, all of these tactics will shut a man down like that from expressing his emotion and in an already environment where he has a hard time expressing his emotions because culture says that
00:21:42
Speaker
Men are weak if they express their emotions. So these are like the top complaints of men and women. Let me run through the men one more time. Feeling criticized or nagged, lack of physical intimacy, need for personal space, financial stress, and difficulty expressing emotions. As you can see, both of these topics are different for men and women. They don't have the same needs
00:22:12
Speaker
And that's because they're different. Men and women don't have the same needs. So what I wanted to do is I wanted to spell these out, the top complaints. You may be like, heck yes, I have those same complaints. Or you might be like, no, mine wasn't on the list. Either way, I'm going to give you guys some strategies that you can implement the minute you're done listening to this, that me and my husband
00:22:41
Speaker
implement on a daily basis and they absolutely 100% work 98% of the time.
Improving Communication Skills
00:22:52
Speaker
Before I do tell you guys some of these techniques, these tools I like to call them, I just want to say that they're not easy and they require practice. Any time we are changing a habit
00:23:06
Speaker
it's going to require grace. Like, man, I'm just gonna have to give myself grace. I'm not gonna get it right every single time, but I am going to start to implement. And the more grace that you give yourself and the more patience and the more times you practice this, because repetition is the mother of all learning, you will see changes in your communication. So these are all tools that will help with communication because that is the overarching theme
00:23:37
Speaker
of the challenge in relationships and marriage. So let's jump in to the first technique. And this is one that we learned in premarital. And we absolutely needed it because me and my husband have two different communication styles. When we get into an argument or a disagreement, he wants to talk about it right now. I want to talk about it
00:24:07
Speaker
later. I am a slow processor. I need to, uh, I need, I like, you know, I have to like think about it and turn it over and around and around and think about it and process through it. And like, I can't do that right. Like on the spot. I need, I need air to breathe first, but he's not like that. He wants to work it out right now. Let's work it out right now. Let's move along and let's get the show on the road so that we can be happy again. And out of this disagreement, the truth is neither perspective is wrong.
00:24:39
Speaker
But because we're so different and we've never been married, we needed this tool to help us get through the moment. Because what was happening is he wanted to talk right now. I didn't. And he felt rejected by me because I didn't want to work it out. So this is called the timeout technique or just taking a timeout. So there's so much power in pausing.
00:25:11
Speaker
when you are heated, when you're sad, when you're going through conflict, just pausing. And oftentimes when we are in a very elevated state, we don't do that. And then what happens? We've all been there. We get very elevated in our conversation and then we might start cussing. We start raising our voice. Nobody's really getting heard. Like it just turns into this a very unhealthy,
00:25:41
Speaker
communication pattern. But one thing that you can do is you can just say, I'm going to take a time out. Now where I got this wrong in the beginning of our marriage is I would say, I'm done. Like I had like zero communication skills. You guys, I was like level one communicator, zero communication. I would just say, I'm done. I'm not talking about it right now.
00:26:09
Speaker
Well, when you tell that to somebody you need to talk about it right now, that can be very like give them anxiety because they have to sit and wait on you whenever you're ready to talk about it. So with the timeout technique.
00:26:23
Speaker
This is how you go about it. Let's see. Both of you guys are in a disagreement. You're in a heated discussion and you are not in a place where you can have a conducive conversation that is going to build the relationship. If you are only tearing each other down, it is not the time to have a conversation. This is what you say. I am not in a place where I can have this conversation right now.
00:26:53
Speaker
I'm going to go take some time to myself. I'm going to go on a walk. I'm going to do a 20 minute workout, whatever it is. And then you say, but in an hour we can revisit this conversation. You always give them a timeframe. It's not a I'm done. We're done. I'm not going to talk about it anymore because that's when things get shoved under the rug.
00:27:20
Speaker
And then the rug gets lumpy. And then later on we trip over the rug. So you never, never just cut it off. You always give a timeframe. I did not give my husband a timeframe when we first got married and it would like give him anxiety. He was like, Oh my gosh, like, are we going to ever talk about it again? Are we going to talk about it in an hour? Are we going to talk about it in two days? Like he would freak out. And sometimes
00:27:46
Speaker
you actually don't know what the timeframe is and that's okay. There are times when I am so elevated in my emotions that I'm like, I cannot talk about this right now. And he'll say, well, when do you want to talk about it? And I will say, I don't know, but let's try again in an hour. And then when an hour comes around, babe, are you in a place where like we can have this conversation? No, I'm not. I need another 30 minutes. You're allowed to do that. But what you're not allowed to do is leave your partner hanging and just be like, I'm done.
00:28:14
Speaker
I'm done, I'm done. This is emotional immaturity. And I understand some of us are here. I have been there. There are times I'm still there. But the timeout technique gives both people a minute to go to their corner, like in boxing. Like there's a time when each of you need to go to your corner. You need to wipe the sweat off. You need to take a sip of water. You need to clear your head. You need to refocus and then you can come back to the conversation. Timeout technique.
00:28:45
Speaker
So the next one, the next tool is listening to understand and not listening to speak. How many times have you and your partner been in a disagreement or not even in a disagreement? You've just been just talking and you cannot wait until they're done talking so that you can say what you need to say. Like you're just
00:29:15
Speaker
waiting on them to be done talking so that you can say what you need to say. Let's break this down. If you are just waiting on them to be done talking so that you can say what you need to say, are you really listening to them? And the answer is no, you're not listening because all you're doing is reciting in your head what you want to say. Oh, when he's done talking, I'm just going to tell him, like,
00:29:44
Speaker
You're just waiting on them to be done. You're not actually practicing what we call active listening skills, which is where one person is speaking and the other person is sitting there listening, truly listening, actively listening. That's where you take the little
00:30:13
Speaker
knob and you turn down your thoughts as much as you can and you tune into what they are saying. Active listening. What are their feelings they're saying? What are their concerns? When we're cutting each other off in conversation and disagreement, this is where you hear the I don't feel heard or I feel invalidated.
00:30:41
Speaker
because we're not really listening because we're selfish and we want to get our point across. We don't really want to hear what you have to say because maybe we're just so hurt or we're so mad that we want to have our turn to speak. And so what happens is when two people are doing this, neither person are getting hurt. And so we leave the conversation. Nobody feels heard. Nobody feels validated.
00:31:12
Speaker
And we're just mad again. Nothing really got resolved. Active listening is one of the most powerful skills you can cultivate in your relationships. It's also very powerful for children. Actively listening to what they have to say. I do this with my children every single day, hundreds of times a day. My child is crying, and instead of saying, stop whining, I will say, oh, it looks like you're crying.
00:31:42
Speaker
My love, what's wrong? When you do this, when you give somebody a space to speak, you really open up the door for intimacy and connection. My son is never just crying to cry. He'll say, mom, I really just, I'm sad because I want you to come sit with me on the couch. Well, if I wouldn't have listened to him, if I would have just said,
00:32:11
Speaker
stop whining, I would have totally missed a point to connect with him. I would have missed a point of connection to go sit with him on the couch. And so it's really powerful to sit and listen to what other people are saying. Get out of your own story long enough to where you can listen to what somebody else is going through.
00:32:40
Speaker
And so when it comes to actively listening, there's a tool that we use. And if I'm being completely honest, I hate this tool because it feels so cheesy, but oh my gosh, it's so powerful. Like I absolutely do not like it. I feel like it's so cheesy, but my husband is really, really good at it. And that's why I'm sharing it. So when it comes to actively listening, this is how this tool works.
00:33:08
Speaker
So let's say both of you guys are talking. Let's say your husband's talking and he tells you all of these things that he needs to say. You're not cutting him off. You are allowing him to speak, which is showing him you matter. Your words matter. Your feelings matter. This is a form of respect. Most women do not know how to do this. Most people don't know how to do this. And this is what you say when he's done. Let him process, let him
00:33:34
Speaker
finish. Let him say everything that he needs to say without you chiming in and cutting him off. When he's done, you say, okay, what I'm hearing you say is blank. So if my husband, let's use the analogy of nagging, if I'm nagging and he's like, babe, you are nagging me to death.
00:34:02
Speaker
Instead of me cutting him off or saying, no, I'm not, or whatever, I'll say this. Okay. What I'm hearing you say is you feel like I'm nagging you more often than I normally do. Yes, that's what I'm, okay, great. So now we know what the issue is. When you repeat back to the other person, what you're hearing them say,
00:34:31
Speaker
what this is doing is one, it's making sure that you heard them correctly because oftentimes they say something and you hear it, but you may not hear it in the way they wanted it communicated. Maybe their communication was off or maybe you're listening with a filter that's not accurate. So we communicate back what they're saying, okay, babe, what I heard you say is,
00:34:56
Speaker
You're feeling unsupported because I don't help you with the children, the bedtime routine at night. Is that right? Yes. Okay. Number one, it's making sure that you're hearing them correctly. Number two, this is going to make them feel so heard because you did not cut them off. You did not interrupt. You like, they're going to be like, Oh my gosh, they heard everything that I just said.
00:35:25
Speaker
so much so that they repeated it back to me so I know that they were listening. And this is also gonna show them, hey babe, I care enough about you to where I listened to you. I heard your heart, I heard your feelings. And this is what you said. Is that what you said? Yes, that's what I said. Okay, great. Now let's move on the conversation.
00:35:54
Speaker
Active listening is, oh my gosh, it's incredibly powerful. So, third tool, validation and empathy. This was very difficult for me. So let's talk about what validation and empathy are because they are two very different. So validation, this is another buzzword right now, it's very trendy.
00:36:24
Speaker
It's simply acknowledging how the other person feels. It does not mean that you have to agree with them, but what you're doing is you're acknowledging their experience and how they feel. What you're saying is like, you matter, your experience matters. And so let's just pause right there. Validation is one of the complaints that women said that
00:36:54
Speaker
they suffer with when it comes to their man that they don't feel validated in their emotions. So let's say you tell your man something like, I don't want you to like pictures of half naked girls on Instagram. And he might say, why are you being jealous or you're being crazy or why are you watching what I'm doing on Instagram? Like something along those lines that can lead to her not being validated.
00:37:23
Speaker
because the correct response is this. I understand how you feel. I'm sorry if my actions hurt you, made you feel that way. If I were you, I would feel that way too. Saying the phrase, if I were you, I would feel that way too, it will expedite your relationship.
00:37:54
Speaker
If you're in sales and somebody gives you an objection, you know what? You're absolutely right. If I were you, I would feel that way too. This is high level validation. And here's the thing about validating somebody. What they say does not have to be true. You can absolutely disagree with what, in your mind you can be like, that is the stupidest thing I've ever heard. Why is he acting like this? It doesn't matter.
00:38:24
Speaker
it does not matter. What the validation does is it says, Hey, I see you. And I understand that this, this is very important to you. You're this way that you're feeling is important to you. And it's legitimate. The way that you're feeling is legitimate. That's validating. Doesn't matter if they're being psycho, if they're being crazy, if they're being jealous,
00:38:53
Speaker
If what they're saying, like it is so out in left field that it does not even make sense. It's about you saying, I hear you. I hear what you're saying. Empathy involves understanding and sharing that feeling with the other person. So it goes beyond just validating and acknowledging it's actually
00:39:20
Speaker
connecting with someone. You're actually connecting with them. So validating is acknowledging them. Empathy is like, wow, you're right. I'm so sorry that you're going through that. I am absolutely here to support you in that. It's really opening up the door for intimacy and connection.
00:39:47
Speaker
So my husband, high level entrepreneur, he gets phone calls probably 300 calls a day, always on the phone, always putting out fires. And sometimes he's like, babe, I am, I am just so drained and so wiped out from the day. First I validate him. Wow. I'm really sorry that you're feeling that way. You know, if I had to take 300 calls a day and people were griping all day, I would feel the exact same way. I love you.
00:40:17
Speaker
What can I do for you? What can I do to support you? I'm in it with him. I'm saying, wow, like I hear you husband and I am in this with you because we are partners. What can I do to make your day easier? Can I go make you your favorite snack? Can I rub your feet? Do you just want to go in the bedroom for a minute and just get away from the kids and just take a moment to read a book or scroll on Instagram or take a nap or whatever? Like I'm in it. I'm in it with you, baby.
00:40:46
Speaker
Like that is empathy. All right, I statements. So this is another tool, very, very powerful. So I statements are powerful because often when people are communicating, when we're in disagreements, it can feel like we're blaming each other. And this can lead to defensiveness. So let me just use an example for the I statements.
00:41:14
Speaker
So let's say your wife, you're cooking dinner, the kids are there and you're asking your husband, what time are you going to be home, babe? And he says 7pm. I'll be home at 7pm. And you have made this delicious, it's almost Thanksgiving turkey and the dressing and the family's going to be there. And you have the macaroni.
00:41:37
Speaker
and you have the green beans with the bacon grease because I'm from Tennessee and you have this beautiful meal and the house is clean and your essential oils are going and the Christmas tree is lit, I'm setting the ambiance. And he gets home at 7.30. He said he was going to be home at 7, but he got home at 7.30. And you are pissed. You're like, oh my gosh, why are you 30 minutes late? You said you were going to be here at 7.
00:42:07
Speaker
What the hell? You are ruining Thanksgiving dinner. That's the scene here. Eye statements. Most people, mad, cussing, ignoring, blaming, silent treatment, eye rolling, disrespectful. These are all things you can do, but this is not going to grow your relationship. It's not going to give empathy. It's not validating. So this is the eye statement tool.
00:42:38
Speaker
Instead of saying, why didn't you, or why aren't you, or you did this, the I statement looks like this. I felt sad when you said you would be home at seven. I, because I am in control of my own emotions.
00:43:07
Speaker
I am a powerful queen. So I take radical ownership and accountability for my emotions. You may have been late, but I am the one who is responsible for my behavior and my reaction. And what I does is it tells the other person my feelings are my responsibility instead of
00:43:36
Speaker
You pissed me off when you said you were going to be home at seven and instead it was 7 30 and you're not a man of your word. No, no. Because what you're doing is you are pointing the finger right at them. You did this. You did this. What you're saying is I felt sad when you blank. I statements so powerful in relationships because it takes the pressure of blame
00:44:06
Speaker
off the other person. And it gives you power because you're like, I'm a grown woman. I am a queen here and I am responsible for how I feel, but I'm just going to let you know, baby, that it made me sad when you did that. Like it made me so sad when you did that. Instead of being like, you pissed me off. Nobody has the power to piss you off. That is on you, baby. That is on you. If you are mad, that is on you.
00:44:35
Speaker
That's on you. I statements, very, very powerful.
Effective Conflict Resolution
00:44:42
Speaker
So this is another one that I had to learn early on in marriage. This is timing matters. When it comes to conflict resolution and having very heavy conversations, conflict, I'm sorry, timing matters. I used to want to start an argument and let me just say, I didn't want to start the argument.
00:45:05
Speaker
Like I wasn't trying to start an argument with John, but he would be on his way out the door to a sales meeting. And that's when I wanted to have a serious conversation about how I was mad at him last night. Or that's when I wanted to have a heavy conversation. Here's the thing. We have to have the emotional maturity. And as me and John call it, we have to learn how to read the room. If you're about to go to a dinner, if you're about to go to a Thanksgiving, if you're about to be around your friends,
00:45:34
Speaker
This is not the time for a heavy conversation. This is not the time for what happened last night. This is not the time for that. Timing matters. Not too long ago, actually, I'd had a crazy day with the children. I was wiped out and John's like, Hey baby, I'm going out of town tomorrow, which he does frequently. And I looked at him and I was like, okay. And he's like, what do you don't want me to? And I'm like, no, my love. It's not that I don't want you to. It's just like,
00:46:03
Speaker
I just feel so overwhelmed right now. And the fact that you just told me that you were leaving tomorrow, I feel even more overwhelmed. And then he paused and he's like, you're right. That was not the time to tell you that because you're obviously feeling so overwhelmed with the children. So I'm sorry and we'll talk about it later. Timing is everything when it comes to conflict resolution. Think about it. If husband and wife have both had a crazy long day at work,
00:46:33
Speaker
maybe all hell broke loose at work, and then we gotta come home and we gotta take care of these children. Probably not the best time to talk about a very serious issue. But do you have the emotional maturity to wait to have this conversation? Most people do not. They gotta talk about it right now because they do not have self-control. One of the fruits of the spirit is self-control. There is power in self.
00:47:03
Speaker
Control. So timing is everything. Do not discuss sensitive or heavy topics during times of extreme fatigue or around an event. Like it is just not wise. Don't do it. If you have something that needs to be settled, you need to do it at a time that works best for the both of you guys. Maybe on a Sunday evening when things are chill,
00:47:32
Speaker
And I understand some conversations need to happen ASAP. So this is not always going to help, but for the most part, you can wait on a time when you guys can talk about it face to face and not over the phone, not over text message, have it in a way where it's going to grow the relationship.
00:47:57
Speaker
Okay, this is my last tool and I have so many tools where this came from, but these are just like some of the top ones. So the last tool is the use of we language. So when you are married or in a relationship, we are very quick to like take pictures on Instagram of both of us and wear a wedding ring and show the world that we're married and stand up at the altar and you know, promise before God and everybody that we are one.
00:48:27
Speaker
But does our language reflect that we are one? One thing that me and John say in our marriage is that it is us against the problem instead of us against each other.
00:48:48
Speaker
Most people do not see it this way. They look at it like you are the enemy. It's me and you against each other. But what if, let me offer a different perspective. What if the next time you and your partner got into a fight, you paused and you're like, Hey, I know that we're both really heated right now, but actually like me or you are not the issue.
00:49:15
Speaker
It's the issue that's the issue and I wanna partner with you and I wanna tackle that challenge together. This brings so much unity and closeness and intimacy in the relationship because what you're saying is we are one. Let's tackle this as one. You're not the problem here. I'm not the problem here. The problem
00:49:46
Speaker
is the problem. You see this a lot when people have children and the children are going crazy and the husband and the wife, they start turning on each other because they're both overwhelmed instead of being like, you know what? They are getting on my nerves right now. Aren't they getting on your nerves right now? Yes. Oh my gosh. Let's find a solution together. They're the challenge right now. Me and you are not the enemy. It's us against the problem. It's not
00:50:13
Speaker
us against each other. This is very hard to do. It has taken me and John years to have this mentality, but it's all about creating awareness. It's not going to happen overnight. It's not going to happen in the first argument. But if you can just start shifting your mindset to, man, my husband's not the problem. It's his inability to balance work that's the problem. It's not him. It's his behavior.
00:50:43
Speaker
You guys are together. You guys are together. The Bible says that the enemy comes to kill, steal, and destroy. Don't let the enemy steal your union. Don't let the enemy kill your union. Division. Oh my gosh, the enemy loves division. If he can just pull a husband and a wife apart, he is happy. Don't let him do that.
00:51:09
Speaker
The problem is out there. You guys are together. You guys got to figure it out together. How can we come together, put our emotions to the side, and tackle this thing as one? So earlier, when I used the example of the husband coming home late for dinner, instead of the wife saying, you said you were going to be home at 7 o'clock, and you were home at 7.30. Why did you do that?
00:51:39
Speaker
This is how the language can look. I felt sad when you said that you were gonna come home at seven and you didn't. The next time I'm gonna call you and I'm gonna make sure that you know that I really, really want you home at seven. Like the wife is standing up and taking ownership in the fact that she has a part to play in this too. Like if you want your man to come home at seven,
00:52:09
Speaker
Make sure he knows. Reiterate that. My baby, I know I told you earlier this morning, but please, please, please be home at seven. I would really just appreciate it if you would be home at seven o'clock. This is you saying, baby, listen, whatever the reason was that you were not home at seven o'clock, whatever, it's over. Next time I got your back, I'm gonna call you and I'm gonna say, hey, are you on your way home? Remember, I wanna do home at seven. The we, the we,
00:52:39
Speaker
The we language is so incredibly powerful in marriage. And, excuse me, using the we language, seeking to understand, in this analogy of the husband being home late, you guys, this strategy has changed my marriage
00:53:09
Speaker
because when the husband comes home late for work and the wife is just pointing her finger and blaming and blaming and blaming, why aren't you home late? Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Seeking to understand can look like, babe, I know that you said that you were gonna be home at seven. You were home at 7.30. Why were you home at 7.30? What happened on your car ride home? You guys know how many times
00:53:38
Speaker
I have jumped the gun on my husband and I have started to twirl my finger and blame him for something. But then when I found out really what happened, what was going on in his world, I felt so bad. Oh my gosh, babe, I'm so sorry. I got a call from my mom and she, and like, she just, she got in a car wreck and like, I was so distraught and like, I need to just sit in the car for a minute and just help her and talk to her. Seek to understand.
00:54:04
Speaker
instead of just jumping the gun, jumping the gun. Why were you just being that nagging wife? And listen, I'm putting the wife on blast here. This is not just the wife, this is the husband too, okay? The wife is not the only one that nags, but I'm just saying like, before you jump the gun, before you assume the negative, seek to understand what your partner is going through. What if they were home late because something happened or there was a call that they needed to take.
00:54:34
Speaker
Or what if a relative died and you just got a $5 million inheritance, but because you're just so busy wanting to gripe, you didn't stop and pause and seek to understand.
Josie's Personal Experience with Relationship Tools
00:54:47
Speaker
So these strategies, like I don't share things that I don't do. These are tools that I have been using in our marriage for four years now. And I mean, I just wish there was like a picture
00:55:00
Speaker
that you could see from where we were to where we are now, it is night and day different. And it all starts by slowly integrating these strategies, by integrating togetherness, and by using these tools on a day to day, moment by moment basis, slowly integrating these mindset shifts in your relationships
00:55:28
Speaker
and not just in the romantic relationships, like I was saying, and also the parenting aspect in the family dynamics, like these tools work in every relationship. These tools are absolutely going to take time to get used to, they take time to practice, and they may be a little bit awkward at first. Like some of these are still awkward, but they work. And who cares if they're awkward, if they are going to help you
00:55:57
Speaker
really dig deep and build a stronger bond and intimacy with your spouse, with your partner. It is totally worth the awkwardness. So as we wrap up today's exploration into the world of marriage complaints, remember that relationships are a journey. They are not a destination. This is a marathon.
00:56:26
Speaker
not a sprint. It's all about the long term game. It's a long play. So we have cracked the code on some of the common communication challenges, but the real magic is in the work. The real magic is when you walk away from this episode and you actually go and you implement the strategies that I have given you and you come together as one
00:56:54
Speaker
and you work on it together as one. So take the tools that we've discussed, the act of listening, the I statements, the empathy, and apply them to your own relationship and your own journey. And here is where you come in. I want to hear from you. I love hearing from you guys in regards to the podcast. So please share your stories, your questions,
00:57:21
Speaker
any revelations that you got around marriage, relationships, complaints, anything pertaining to this topic, whether it's a win or whether it's a challenge, your experiences matter and they can be used to inspire others. I would love to connect with you guys. So send me a DM on Instagram. That's where I love to hang out. I'm building a community of shared experiences and your voice matters.
00:57:49
Speaker
Your voice is essential and I absolutely love hearing from you guys. So thanks for joining on this episode. I love this episode. I feel like there were a lot of deliverables and things that you can actually leave and take away from here and implement. So if you guys enjoyed, do not forget to subscribe. Don't forget to share, leave a review.
00:58:15
Speaker
And until next time, keep navigating those twists and turns with an open heart. I'm Josie Soriano, and this is the Listen SIS podcast.