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How To Take Back Your Peace And Heal From Past Relationships
64 Plays1 year ago
In today's episode we delve into the profound effects of past pain on present-day relationships.
Join me as we unpack the emotional baggage (and my own testimony from past relationships) that often accompanies us from past relationships, weighing down our capacity for connection and intimacy.
Discover actionable strategies for confronting your past, healing your heart, and releasing the burdens that hold you back from experiencing true intimacy and love.
Whether you're navigating the complexities of romantic relationships, familial dynamics, or friendships, this episode offers invaluable insights to help you lighten your load and pave the way for deeper connection and authentic relationships.
I know this episode is going to help you navigate the path to emotional freedom and relational fulfillment. Don't let your past dictate your future—empower yourself to let go and love boldly.
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Transcript
Introduction to Healing and Growth
00:00:00
Speaker
Hello, everybody. Welcome to another episode of the Listen Sis podcast where you guys know I love to talk about the transformative journey of healing and growth. And so today I want to talk about just the profound impact of inner healing on building healthy relationships, specifically in the context of marriage and parenting.
Impact of Past Relationships and Trauma
00:00:27
Speaker
And I want to
00:00:30
Speaker
focus on our past relationships and how our past relationships, our past trauma, our past experiences have an incredible presence in our present day relationships. So I just feel like
00:00:50
Speaker
There are so many things that are vying for our attention on a 24 seven basis. You have the emails and then you have the text messages and then you have school and then you have sports and then you have your job and then you have your fitness and then you have what you're going to eat, scrolling on social media. If you run a business online, it just literally goes on and on and on. And so today we're going to talk about what actually matters and what actually matters as a woman, no matter what century you're in,
00:01:20
Speaker
is your family, is your marriage and your children.
The Ripple Effect of Healing
00:01:24
Speaker
Obviously, yes, your personal wellbeing, but I do not subscribe to this narrative that we need to just take care of me first. Like, okay, yes, of course we need to take care of us first. However, part of that, part of the taking care of us first is so that we can pour into our relationships that are closest to us. And so this is why the healing journey is so relevant
00:01:52
Speaker
in our lives, and that's because when we have children, when we have spouses, if you're not at that place in your relationship yet, then the people that are in your life, your healing is like you throwing a pebble, and I use this analogy in other episodes that I have, so if you've heard me talk, you've heard me use this analogy, but your healing or your hurt, it goes both ways, is like you throwing a pebble in a lake,
00:02:22
Speaker
And the outward motion, the ripple effect is what takes place in
Unhealed Wounds and Emotional Filters
00:02:31
Speaker
our life. And obviously we can't see that happening, but on a spiritual level, that is what's going on when we either heal or we choose to not heal. And so
00:02:46
Speaker
the way that past relationships are relevant in present day is with every relationship that we're in, it leaves a mark on us, whether it's good or whether it's bad, whether it's neutral, it leaves a mark on us. And so that mark
00:03:13
Speaker
Oftentimes, when it's a negative experience, it gets covered up. The wound doesn't get cleaned out. It doesn't get tended to. It doesn't get bandaged up, and it doesn't get to heal. And so what happens? That wound gets neglected. That wound gets abandoned.
00:03:43
Speaker
that wound eventually gets infected. And what happens when things get infected? They affect other areas of the body. And so it's the same way, but I want you to think about it in a spiritual, in a spiritual way. With every relationship that we've been in, this can be our mother, our father, our sisters,
00:04:09
Speaker
family, romantic relationships, everybody has left a mark on you to some degree. But because there are not enough resources out there on how to really go through the inner healing process, we don't address these issues and then we take that infection and we bring it into other relationships.
00:04:37
Speaker
And then what happens is it infects those relationships. And then we wonder like, why are we so broken? Oftentimes we're broken because we have not picked up the pieces to our past relationships and put them back together. And so it's truly just caring from person to person to person. And we're almost like pollinating every relationship that we're in.
00:05:07
Speaker
with our trauma and our drama and our hurt. And so also, I want you to think about relationships that you have been in with other people who hurt you. Those people were also pollinating their hurt into you and into other people. So it's just this cycle that continues to go on and on and on.
00:05:35
Speaker
And so here is why it's so relevant for us to heal from our past relationships. Like I said, this is not just romantic, this is parents, this is friends, this is strangers, because here's what happens. When we have a mark left on us, let's say from our mother, boom, there's one filter.
00:05:59
Speaker
Then let's say our dad, right? Because most of us have mother and father wombs. Boom. There's another filter. And then let's say three of our ex-boyfriends cheated on us. Boom. We have all of these filters and I want you to think about with every hurt that you've experienced, you are putting on a new filter. Think of it as being glasses.
00:06:21
Speaker
Think about how thick your glasses are after like I'm 30. So like 30 years of being hurt by people. That is the filter in which you are viewing life. And we all know we've all heard our thoughts become our behaviors, become our actions, become our patterns. So like your thoughts matter and
00:06:47
Speaker
This is what happens when we don't walk through the healing process. And I know I'm building this up, but I want you to get like a deep understanding of why it's so relevant that we visit the past, heal from those wounds, heal from those relationships because they so impact our present day relationships.
Personal Story: Father Abandonment and Validation
00:07:13
Speaker
So I want to share a story with you guys.
00:07:16
Speaker
I had when I grew up with father wounds. So like my dad was not around. He left me hanging essentially and emotionally and physically abandoned me. And so abandonment is a very, very deep wound that many children have to deal with from their parents because here's the deal. Our parents or our caregivers are the first
00:07:45
Speaker
experiences we have of what love is. And when that relationship is skewed, it really sets the child up
00:07:56
Speaker
for a lifetime of having to re-figure out what love is. And so for me personally, because I had been abandoned by my dad, the wound and the mark that that left on me for would set me up for all of my future relationships. And often what happens when women have a father wound
00:08:24
Speaker
is they because they did not get attention and love and affirmation and acceptance from the father figure
00:08:35
Speaker
They will often go out and seek attention from other men to be validated, to feel loved, to feel accepted, to feel beautiful, because that's the role of our father. That's what our father does. Our father is our first experience
00:08:54
Speaker
of what a man is. He's supposed to take us on daddy-daughter dates, tell us that we're beautiful. Like he is supposed to set the standard for what a woman is going to experience with a man. However, I did not have that with my father. He did not set that standard. And so we know that the Bible says
00:09:23
Speaker
where there is no vision, the people perish. I didn't have a vision of what a father, what a man, how a man was supposed to treat me. And because I never had that representation, I would go out and I would seek approval from men because really I had an undelped with wound from my father.
00:09:49
Speaker
from where I was so desperately seeking his approval on a subconscious level, this was going on. I didn't actually have these thoughts, but this was going on on a subconscious level. And so I would step into being promiscuous, dressing a certain way, sleeping around, doing all of these things that today we look at and we're like, oh, she's a hoe. But really,
00:10:19
Speaker
What we don't, because we're so quick to judge others, what we should be saying is, and this is what I say now, like when I see women on Instagram or when I hear of women being promiscuous or looking promiscuous, one of the first things that I think of is, wow, I wonder where in her life she did not get acceptance. I wonder where in her life she did not get love.
00:10:47
Speaker
because that is my story. And so the impact of my father being absent had an incredible wave that came into my relationships. Number one, women with daddy issues have really hard time trusting men. Why?
00:11:12
Speaker
Because the one man that's supposed to be there for them, no matter what, dropped the ball. So now the filter that I would walk around with is, oh, men aren't trustworthy because
00:11:30
Speaker
The one man who was supposed to be trustworthy showed me that he can't even be trustworthy. And if a man who is my father, who is supposed to love me unconditionally, can't even hold up that standard, how can any other man? I mean, that is a deep wound. And it doesn't just have to happen from the dad. It can happen from any caregiver. It can happen from your mother. It can happen from so many people.
00:12:00
Speaker
But there are so many wounds from our past and I go deeper in this topic and my course rage to regulated that show up in present day that we are not even aware of. Like we are not even aware that us yelling at our children can really just be
00:12:26
Speaker
a restless spirit. Like we don't know how to rest because maybe we grew up in a house where we always had to like take responsibility and be, you know, pay the bills or whatever. So now that we yell at our children, like we put ourselves down when in reality it's like, but maybe we just have an unhealed wound and that's how it's manifesting.
Toxic Relationships and Lack of Boundaries
00:12:49
Speaker
It's manifesting as us yelling at our spouses or yelling at our children or, you know, whatever.
00:12:57
Speaker
And so for me, my personal journey with being hurt in previous relationships is because of my father wound, that led me in to one of the relationships that I was in. I would say when I was like 18 or 19 is I had a boyfriend. I would say this was like my first real, like, I love this man. So I thought,
00:13:27
Speaker
relationship. And he had his own baggage going on, but he was very, very narcissistic. He
00:13:41
Speaker
was physically abusive. He was verbally abusive, like abusive on every level. He would very openly cheat on me. And here's the deal. It's so funny because anybody who knows me now, like that would not even make sense to them because I'm so like about my boundaries. Like that would never, literally never happen to present day Josie.
00:14:06
Speaker
But once again, because I did not have a standard of how I should be treated, I allowed men to treat me however they wanted because I did not have a standard. I hadn't been shown a proper standard. And so because he was so bad to me, because he was physically abusive, emotionally abusive,
00:14:34
Speaker
Like I said, he would cheat on me and then he would come, I'm so sorry, I love you. And then we would get back together and then he would cheat on me. I mean, it was literally like just the most toxic cycle. That is one of the relationships that I would later see showing up in my marriage with my husband.
Steps to Healing from Past Wounds
00:15:01
Speaker
And so
00:15:04
Speaker
When it comes to our past wounds, to our past relationships, it is incredibly important that we sit down and we have moments to ourself to get to know ourself. Where we give that version of us room to say what she needs to say.
00:15:36
Speaker
And there's like a whole nother realm of being hurt and carrying these hurts. And one of which that I want to go very lightly into is stated in 1 Corinthians 6, 16. Do you not know that he who unties himself with a prostitute is one with her body? For it is said the two will become one flesh.
00:16:06
Speaker
This is a verse that supports what we hear about soul ties. And a soul tie is exactly what it sounds like. It's when you and another person's soul have been tied together, which is great when it's in marriage, because that's how it's supposed to be.
00:16:36
Speaker
Genesis 2.24, that's when a man leaves his father and mother and is united to his wife and they become one flesh. But here's the deal. We can also become one flesh with somebody who we are not married to. And so when we enter into pre-marital sex relationships, we become one flesh with that person.
00:17:05
Speaker
And so that's why referencing back to first Corinthians, do you not know that he who unties himself with a prostitute, meaning this guy had sexual relations with the prostitute is now one with her body. So.
00:17:27
Speaker
When you hear the quote unquote Bible thumpers saying things like, oh, it's not good to have sex before marriage and you don't need to live with your spouse or live with your partner before you marry them. It's not because they're trying to be religious and tell you what to do and stop you from having a good time. It's because you're literally tying your soul with somebody else's that you're not married to.
00:17:58
Speaker
And that is incredibly damaging because here's the thing, spiritually, what's on them can get on you. So if I am having sex with a guy who, I don't know, depressed, has spirit of perversion on him, whatever, I am inviting that into my life. I have given the enemy,
00:18:26
Speaker
Legal access to come into my life because why why did I give the enemy legal access? Because I had sex outside of the covenant of marriage And so when we do that what we're saying is I am entering into sin and because I'm entering into sin I am giving the spirit of the age the enemy Satan whatever you want to call him access to come into my
00:18:54
Speaker
life to my spirit. And I am giving him what we call a foothold. Now that does not mean that he is possessing you. It means that he, like think of it as literally Satan has his foot in the door.
00:19:24
Speaker
and like the doors open and that's it. He takes up residence in your life. The word foothold in Greek is topos, which means a place where a person or a thing occupies. So it doesn't mean that he has complete possession of you, but he's gonna have a place in your life.
00:19:46
Speaker
And so this is where when we get into past relationship hurts, anxiety, maybe you have depression from a past trauma. Maybe you have nightmares. Maybe you have suicidal thoughts. Maybe you are just walking around with a lot of unforgiveness or betrayal, like all of these things. Here's the deal.
00:20:16
Speaker
When you enter in to those soul tie relationships outside of marriage, you gave the enemy access to you and now he gets to torment you. Now he gets to use anxiety to rob you of your peace. Now he gets to use betrayal as a way for you to not trust others and let them in. Now he gets to use depression as a way for you to
00:20:44
Speaker
shrivel up and get small and it really all ties back to him robbing you of You being able to fulfill your purpose. The enemy doesn't care about Your job. He doesn't care about your bank account. He doesn't care about your car. He doesn't care about your day He cares about your purpose. And so here's the deal Because he does not play fair He will use people as pawns
00:21:14
Speaker
to throw you off your purpose. And
Ownership and Spiritual Aspects of Healing
00:21:21
Speaker
these past hurts, as valid as they may be, we have to understand that they come from the enemy.
00:21:36
Speaker
So when you wanna hate the person, don't hate the person. Hate the enemy that the person was, hate the enemy that was using the person. The saying is, hate the sin, love the sinner. But we have to be able to take ownership for things that we have entered into, even unknowingly.
00:22:02
Speaker
And, hey, you might be saying, well, Josie, things happened to me and I didn't have premarital sex. Things just happened to me. That counts, too. The devil doesn't play fair. He does not play fair. He doesn't say, oh, well, you know, she was little. No, no. He goes, oh, she's little. Great. She's innocent. Let me come in. This is a great opportunity.
00:22:29
Speaker
And so it's our responsibility as mothers, as wives to take authority over these areas that have been stolen by the enemy to try to rob our peace. And here's the deal. God is the ultimate healer.
00:22:54
Speaker
He is not satisfied with a quick fix and he does not want to just cover up our wounds and call it good. He will thoroughly cleanse us and bring us back to a full healing.
00:23:06
Speaker
And so when it comes to healing, when it comes to, oh, how do I get my healing? How do I start that process? The first thing that I wanna declare over you and I wanna remind you of is that Isaiah 53.5 says he was pierced for our transgressions. Transgressions is sin.
00:23:25
Speaker
He was crushed for our iniquities. Iniquities is sin that is of our forefathers. It's bloodline stuff, stuff that we didn't necessarily do, but he was crushed for our iniquities. The punishment that brought us peace was upon him, and by his wounds, we are healed. The only way that true healing can take place is not by you journaling. It's not going to be
00:23:48
Speaker
by you reading off affirmations and doing meditations all day, the only true way that you are going to be healed. And I know because I have been here, I have tried other modalities of healing, tarot cards, astrologers. If you guys check out my New Age Practices episode, you'll hear all about that. This is the only way to receive true freedom.
00:24:19
Speaker
is to ask what you want in prayer and you'll receive it if you have faith. So we ask for healing. That's what Matthew 21 says. If you ask and you believe, you will receive healing. You will receive, you'll receive it if you have the faith. And so we need to recognize our wounds. We don't need to sweep them under the rug. We need to, this is, you know,
00:24:49
Speaker
I wake up early to spend time with the Lord and I ask Him things. God, why do I keep having dreams about this person? And so often we say, well, God's far away from us. No, we don't ask Him. We're too busy asking everybody else. Ask the Lord. He knows. He created you. We need to recognize our wounds.
00:25:14
Speaker
We need to look back and spend time with ourselves and get to know ourselves. This is what doing the work is. When we hear what is doing the work, this is doing the work. Doing the work is spending time with yourself and turning yourself inside out and saying, these are all the things that have happened to me and I'm going to acknowledge them. I'm going to accept them.
00:25:42
Speaker
I'm going to give them to Jesus and I am going to put systems in place because yes, Jesus can heal you in a moment. You don't have to work for it, but oftentimes we just expect Jesus to do the heavy lifting, which he did on the cross, but then we don't want to do our part. If you have a spirit of addiction, Jesus can heal you from that in a moment, but are you going to continue to put yourself in
00:26:12
Speaker
rooms where other people are addicted for you to be tempted. Like we have to do our work. We have to hold up on our end of the bargain, which is what being spiritually mature is all about. So
Strategies for Healing and Pattern Recognition
00:26:31
Speaker
we need to recognize our wounds. Are you riddled with abandonment, depression, anxiety, betrayal? Know those things about you.
00:26:39
Speaker
The enemy loves to get us distracted. He loves for us to dial into a good podcast that has nothing to do with our purpose. Oh, let me listen to a crime documentary. Why? Go listen to a documentary about you. Go sit with the Lord and ask the Lord to unravel the documentary of you.
00:27:07
Speaker
Hey listen guys, I like a good crime show too. But some of us are more invested in other people's lives and in other people's story than we are our own self. So past relationship, pain is relevant. We have to address it. We have to understand that it's spiritual.
00:27:36
Speaker
We have to understand that it shows up in our present relationships. But now I want to get into some practicals, some things that I do, some tactics and tools that I also talk about in my program, Rage to Regulate it. And I believe that these strategies are going to help you out. But because everything is spiritual, I can't jump to
00:28:06
Speaker
the fun tools without going first to the tools that actually work. So I want you to think about your past relationships and I want you to think about what part you have played in that relationship.
00:28:35
Speaker
the ones that the Holy Spirit is highlighting to you right now that have caused you pain. So to use an example, my relationship with the ex-boyfriend that was abusive, at one point in time, I would have said, well, I didn't do anything. Like that happened to me. I didn't do anything.
00:29:05
Speaker
But the truth is, now that I am mature in my walk with the Lord, I realize that I was having sex outside of marriage. I was participating in drinking and what the Bible calls revelry. And even though at the time I may not have had the awareness that that was not what was best for me,
00:29:34
Speaker
It's still so important that I put it before the Lord and I say, God, even though I didn't know what I was doing, I'm still going to say, I'm sorry. I'm still going to give this to you. And there are some circumstances that people have been through where it was absolutely not their fault.
00:30:01
Speaker
If you got raped, no, I'm not saying that there's any part of that that is your fault. You don't need to confess anything. Maybe in that circumstance, you need to confess your anger. You need to confess your unforgiveness. Lord, I was sexually assaulted and I've been angry about that for 12 years now.
00:30:28
Speaker
And your word says that I'm to forgive others. Maybe that's your part in it. But the first step is that we confess our sins. And it's okay if you don't even know what your sin is.
00:30:45
Speaker
That's when you just take a minute and spend time with God and say, God, I'm just gonna confess anything that comes out. And I don't even know if it's a sin, but I'm just gonna confess. God looks at our heart. He looks at our intention. He doesn't say,
00:31:00
Speaker
Oh, she's politically correct or incorrect. No, he's like, wow, this child wants to spend time with me. It's like my sweet baby King. When he's talking to me, I'm not like, that's not how you say that. No, I'm just like glad that he's talking to me and communicating with me. And that's exactly how God looks at us. So the first step that we do is we confess our sins in our past relationships. And you might need to write all of this down.
00:31:29
Speaker
There may be 20 things you need to confess out of one relationship. And then boom, you need to move to the next relationship and you need to confess all of that. Go through it one at a time, day by day, take your time. But this is where we go into that dirty closet that's in the back of the house where we just shove things and we say, I'm gonna be strategic here. I'm gonna take everything out of the closet one by one. I'm gonna assess it.
00:31:57
Speaker
I'm gonna see if it has a place here and then I'm gonna do what I will with it. I'm gonna throw it out. I'm gonna re-gift it or whatever. But this is where we really go in one by one and we take our time here. So the first thing we do is we confess our sins. The second thing we do is we repent. So confessing is saying, God, I confess my sin that I had sex outside of marriage multiple times.
00:32:28
Speaker
Repenting is when we say, God, I turn from those ways. I turn from those ways. And please do not be deceived. True repentance is when you stop what you're doing and you go the other way. True repentance is you stopping that behavior and walking away from it. It's not,
00:32:57
Speaker
Okay, I'm gonna say I'm sorry and then I'm gonna go back to it. No, no. True repentance is I turn from that, I'm sorry. And then we sever any soul ties with that person. So this is when you say, God in the mighty name of Jesus, I sever all ties, spiritual, physical, emotional, soul ties with, name that person.
00:33:26
Speaker
In the mighty name of Jesus, I sever that tie. There is no more spiritual connection between me and that person. You sever that tie because you have a spiritual tie with the people that you do not break those soul ties off from. And in a way, you guys are still connected.
00:33:50
Speaker
Step three is we ask God for forgiveness and to heal our wounds. Lord, please forgive me and impart your healing over my soul. Lord, I am riddled with anxiety and I am asking for you to come in and fill me up with peace that surpasses all understanding. And you may not know how to pray powerful prayers, but that's okay.
00:34:18
Speaker
you can ask God for what you want. If you really believe that he can do it, if you really have the faith, he will do it and he will do it, you guys, because I have been riddled with panic attacks, anxiety, and I have been totally set free.
00:34:38
Speaker
So let's move in. Those are like the most important steps, okay? The world will leave that out. The world will tell you to go meditate and go have somatic experiences and go break plates and go, yes, those things are very important. But in my opinion, if you skip this step and you jump straight to those steps,
00:35:05
Speaker
you're not really going to be healed. You might feel healed, but it's going to come back and it'll show up in another way. So let's get into some other practical tips. Number one is always going to be prayer. Prayer, prayer, prayer. Ask the Holy Spirit what relationships wounded you and
00:35:26
Speaker
You already know by what I'm saying. I know the Lord has already revealed people to you. He has revealed words that were spoken over you. He has revealed actions that were done to you. It doesn't have to be by a romantic partner. It can be by family. It can be by friends. But I know that He's already revealed this to you and you are already thinking about it. And this is when it's good for you to say, Holy Spirit,
00:35:58
Speaker
There may be some things in my past that I don't even remember. I might have disassociated from it. I don't remember. Or maybe it's just been a long time ago. Lord, bring that back up. Bring that back up. And hey, listen, be careful what you pray for because this week you may get some weird thoughts about an ex-boyfriend or about an uncle or about whatever. Remember the prayers that you prayed. And when it comes up, you need to write it down.
00:36:27
Speaker
What word curses were spoken over you that maybe you came into agreement with? I had an ex-boyfriend, the same ex-boyfriend mentioned earlier, who told me I needed a boob job. And guess what? A few years later, I went and got one because I really did believe that that's what I needed to do to feel worthy of love. Words are so powerful, you guys. That's why the Bible talks so much
00:36:55
Speaker
about the tongue and how the power of life and death is in the tongue. What words were spoken over you that maybe you grabbed onto and have truly changed the way you view life because of a word spoken over you. Write it down. That's when you write it down and you say, Lord,
00:37:20
Speaker
I cancel that right now in the mighty name of Jesus. And any roots that that has taken up in me, I cancel that. That will not be my future. That is not my destiny. I put those words. I put those actions. I put that relationship in the grave and I seal it in the mighty name of Jesus. Some of you guys need to learn how to take authority over your life.
00:37:50
Speaker
You need to learn how to tell the devil to get behind you or get underneath your feet, but he needs to get out of the way. You need to put him in his place. Another strategy that you can use is journaling. You'll hear me say, write it down, write it down. If I had a dollar for every notebook that me
00:38:15
Speaker
and even my husband had, I would be rich because that is how much we write. There's so much power in writing things down. You need to get a notebook that you have on you often. You need a moving document that you can write on daily to get your thoughts down, to get this stuff out of you.
00:38:45
Speaker
It is so powerful when you can go back to a previous relationship that has damaged you and you write in your notebook, you write down every single thing you want to say to that person and you give that version of you a place to say what she never got to say.
00:39:08
Speaker
Maybe you need to actually call that person. For some of us, that's not possible. Maybe they passed away, or maybe it's just not, we just can't do it. That's okay, but you need to write it down. You need to get it out of you. And going back to not giving the devil a foothold. When we keep anger inside of us, and I talk a lot about this in Rage to Regulate it,
00:39:39
Speaker
We give the enemy a foothold in our life. The enemy loves when we have unforgiveness. Unforgiveness is sin because we were forgiven and so we need to then forgive others. And I know
Healing for Future Generations
00:39:56
Speaker
that's really hard when you've been done wrong. But it is so much easier
00:40:04
Speaker
to move that pain through your body when you get it out of your body. One of those ways you can get it out of your body is to write it down. Give it a place to live other than inside of your body. Anger in the body, sadness in the body leads to so many health challenges.
00:40:28
Speaker
We gotta get that stuff out of our bodies. We have to go, I mean, that's why I'm in the gym five days a week. I gotta get this stuff out of me. I gotta get it out. I need to get that energy out of me. You need to get these words on paper. There's so much power in writing things down, so get a journal, get a fancy one. I'm an old-fashioned pen and paper gal.
00:40:54
Speaker
Highly, highly recommend that you just write things down, whatever comes to your mind, write it down. Another buzzword and strategy is awareness. We hear a lot about awareness, creating awareness, having awareness, walking in awareness. Awareness is just looking at yourself from an outside perspective,
00:41:25
Speaker
and not just living your life. It's looking at you living your life. Which brings me to my next strategy, which is take inventory of your unhealthy patterns. In order for us to change things about ourselves, we have to recognize that we need to change. What are your unhealthy patterns that could be stemming from previous relationships?
00:41:54
Speaker
Do you yell, cuss, scream at your husband or kids? I used to, not my kids, but my husband. Why? Why is that relevant in past relationships? Well, I had such a fear that my husband would leave me just like my dad did, that it manifested as anger.
00:42:24
Speaker
which would cause me to yell and scream and cuss at him, and I would push him away because pushing him away felt easier for me than allowing him to potentially leave me. My mindset was like, if I push you away first, then it will hurt less if you leave me, or if you cheat on me, or if you whatever.
00:42:49
Speaker
So I would yell and scream and cuss and for so long I could not figure out why I was doing it. I'm like, why do I fly off the handle? Like I'm taking all of this coaching. I'm doing all of these things. Oh, because I need to go back to the root, which is fear. Fear is a nasty spirit that takes up residence in our lives. I had fear because of previous relationships. Now I don't have fear. I have peace.
00:43:18
Speaker
because I have addressed all of those things. I have addressed those unhealthy relationships that I was in, and I no longer project my fear onto my husband. Maybe you use guilt, control, or manipulation to get what you want as a mother or a wife. If you don't do this, I will blank.
00:43:44
Speaker
Maybe you're manipulative. Maybe that's a pattern that you use. Write that down. Notice these things that you do. Maybe you allow your husband or your children to run all over you. Maybe your children are like literally driving you nuts, but you don't understand that it's your fault because you don't discipline them because you're a people pleaser.
00:44:08
Speaker
Maybe you grew up in a home where you people pleased. You had to feel like you wanted to keep your mother happy.
00:44:17
Speaker
And it was always all about her. So you kind of people please. And so that shows up now in your children running all over you and you pander to everything that they say or want or do. And there are no boundaries in your house because you're a people pleaser because of your relationship with your mother. Do you guys see how past relationships affect present day?
00:44:42
Speaker
And here we are, we're driving ourselves nuts. Oh my gosh, I'm so tired. My kids, my this, my that. No, you just haven't done the work. That's why I created this episode to help you guys do the work. But nobody's gonna come and do it for you. You have to do it yourself. Okay, next, when you're stressed, do you need a big glass of wine? Or maybe you smoke cigarettes or smoke weed or you need to vape? Or maybe you wanna numb out on Netflix or
00:45:11
Speaker
food. Maybe it's food. Oh, that's a dirty word. That's a pattern. You guys for so long, I smoked weed. And I bought into the lie that it was because I'm just a hippie. Like, I'm just so much more creative. No says you're numbing out. You're numbing out. I was numbing out.
00:45:40
Speaker
There's no reason why we, when we have a stressed out day, we have to run home and numb out with a glass of wine. We need to get to a point where we can feel our emotions and we can sit with how uncomfortable they are. That is going to build our maturity and our emotional endurance
00:46:09
Speaker
And here's the deal, after your big tall glass of wine, all of that is still there anyway. It's there. So how about instead of you going home to a big glass of wine, you go home to a big notebook and you write all of this stuff down and you get to know yourself better. I'm telling you who you're gonna become on the other side of that pattern that I just gave you guys.
00:46:34
Speaker
is going to be unrecognizable compared to you sitting down and needing to numb out on Netflix or smoking or whatever you're doing. You need to study your patterns. You need to know yourself inside and out. You need to say, huh, why did I do that? It's really interesting that one thing that I noticed that I did
00:47:03
Speaker
is I would raise my voice to get my children's attention. But what am I teaching them? I'm teaching them that if they want my attention, they need to raise their voice. And then what happens when they raise their voice at me? I'm like, why are you raising your voice? I started noticing that I did that.
00:47:25
Speaker
You see, so many of our behaviors that we have, we exhibit, we can get so in them that we don't realize that they're unhealthy. So a habit, a pattern, should I say, that I replaced with yelling is no, I ask questions. So my six-year-old, who is a very inquisitive, he asked a lot of questions. He's highly intelligent to be his age, which is great, but it also comes with a lot of exhaustion because he's like,
00:47:53
Speaker
a teenager in a child's body, so smart. I will feel frustrated with him sometimes. And where I used to raise my voice, now I just ask questions. Asking questions with our children creates a place for connection. Raising our voice creates disconnection. And so what we do is when we learn our patterns,
00:48:20
Speaker
we can replace those unhealthy patterns with healthy patterns. And once we do those healthy patterns long enough, they become a habit. And then we pass on those healthy patterns to our children and we give them one less thing for them to have to work on. Is that a guarantee? No, it's not. Your children are going to have their own stuff they have to work on. It's part of life. But the more healed that we can become, the more
00:48:50
Speaker
we are going to be able to pass those healthy patterns on to our husbands, to our children, to our friends. Hey, listen guys, my husband will tell you he has learned so much from me in my inner healing journey. I have taught him so many things. So it's not just our children. We are to also win our husbands over with our behavior. If you want to see a change in your husband,
00:49:17
Speaker
go change yourself first and show him what that looks like. That's high level ownership right there.
The Role of Mentorship in Healing
00:49:30
Speaker
There's so much free information online about everything that I'm talking about. And so you absolutely don't have to take this next step, but I will tell you that it can change your life.
00:49:43
Speaker
if you partner with the right person. And that is having a mentor, having a coach, having a therapist, somebody who can actually walk this out with you practically on a personal level. Because you are going to go way further if you have accountability. And the Bible says that as iron sharpens iron, so one brother sharpens another.
00:50:13
Speaker
we are meant to be in relationship with other people so that we can sharpen each other. So whether that is somebody that's around you that has godly wisdom, I want to underline godly wisdom, not just wisdom, godly wisdom. I also want to underline that they have godly fruit in their lives. What does that mean?
00:50:38
Speaker
Do they have the gifts of the spirit? The gifts of the spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control. Do they have the fruits of, sorry, I said the gifts of the spirit. Do they have the fruits of the spirit in their lives? Those are the people you want to get into a relationship with.
00:51:08
Speaker
But here's the deal. Sometimes those relationships come with the cost. Actually, most of the time they come with the cost. You have to give up your time. My husband used to drive his mentor around while him and his mentor used to go and hang out with his friends. He's like, I don't care. I just wanted to be in proximity. Proximity is power. Some of you guys need to put your ego down and you need to go be around people who are further in life in you so you can see how they operate.
00:51:34
Speaker
so you can see what they do, so you can see the books they read, so you can hear the conversations they have, so you can see their patterns and their habits and their schedule. You need to get around those people. And as far as paying goes, I'm gonna tell you something that is so true, and it says, I pay when I pay attention, or I pay attention when I pay. Meaning, all of us who are wanting things for free, hey, I get it, let's get some things for free, but also,
00:52:04
Speaker
When you pay somebody for coaching or therapy, you are going to be more invested. And what you're saying is I'm here to learn and I'm willing to pay a price. So you absolutely need mentorship in your life. Somebody who can hold you high, somebody who can walk you through this journey. And here's the deal. It's a journey.
00:52:31
Speaker
It is not a spirit. It's a marathon. It's a long-term game. And I just want to tell you guys that it's so possible to have a healthy, inner healing and nurturing relationship in your marriage, in your parenting.
Effort and Healing in Relationships
00:52:57
Speaker
If you're in a place where you're like, oh my gosh, all hope is gone, I want to declare over you that there is hope. When me and John first got married, like the first year of marriage, I did not, me and him both were like, we're probably not gonna make it. Because we had so much that we had to work through. I had so much from past relationships for my,
00:53:26
Speaker
my dad from just all these things that put such a wedge in between our marriage. But I was determined that I was not going to allow that to ruin our marriage. I wanted to have emotional closeness with him and it took me some years. We've been married almost four years and it feels like we're now in a place where I can trust him.
00:53:57
Speaker
And I couldn't not trust him because he did anything wrong. It's just because the filter I had on, but it has taken me almost three years to shift that. It takes a lot of time and a lot of work, but it can be done. Do not let the enemy come in between your marriage. Do not let the enemy come in between your parenting.
00:54:26
Speaker
because that's what he's here to do. He wants to come in and kill, steal, and destroy. And I'm telling you, if you get to know yourself, and you really put yourself out there and say, wow, these are the things that I need to shift. These are the things that I need to put at the cross, at the foot of Jesus's feet.
00:54:54
Speaker
And I need to let this go and I need to work on this. And if you really are invested in your growth, you can do those things.
Boundaries and Communication in Relationships
00:55:04
Speaker
Some things that I have had to implement in my marriage with John is I've had to create boundaries because the people pleaser that I was talking about a minute ago, that was me.
00:55:18
Speaker
I used to pander to my children. I would let him, him being my six-year-old, I would let him eat whatever he wanted. I would not want to tell him no because I wanted to be a good mother. No, no. A good mother has boundaries. A good mother says, this is the line and we don't cross this line. So I had to create boundaries in my marriage.
00:55:48
Speaker
And in my parenting, could not be a people pleaser anymore to my husband and with my children. Another one is I had to learn how to effectively communicate. When I first came into marriage, the only way I knew to communicate was yelling. That's how I wanted to get my way was I wanted to yell. Now, I know how to actively listen to my husband. When he speaks, I listen.
00:56:16
Speaker
When I speak, he listens. Instead of yelling and just always wanting to be heard, now I listen to him and I seek to understand what he's saying instead of just seeking to speak. Some of us just wait until the other person has done speaking so we can say what we need to say. But what if you just silence your thoughts and listen to what they said? You might learn something.
00:56:46
Speaker
you might connect with them. I had to learn how to practice empathy. Empathy says, wow, if I were you, I would feel the same way.
00:57:03
Speaker
I had to learn how to say it's me and you verse the problem instead of me and you verse each other. I had to learn how to take care of myself. I had to learn how to put myself first sometimes and go take a long hot bath after a long day. So there are so many different
00:57:26
Speaker
strategies that you might have to implement. What I implement is going to be different than what you have to implement, but it all circles back to finding the root of those past hurts.
Personal Growth through Healing
00:57:40
Speaker
That step one is finding the root.
00:57:49
Speaker
All right, you guys, that is it for today's episode. It's been quite a journey for me personally, my inner healing journey, but it's something I'm just going to continue to talk about because it has truly changed my life, linking arms with Jesus and implementing biblical principles, implementing new thought and behavior patterns into my life, into my marriage, into my parenting, discovering
00:58:19
Speaker
who I am, what my purpose is. And I just want to remind you guys that you are worthy of love and capable of creating the relationships that you want. So often we buy into the lie that this is just the way it is. We will be in a marriage that is unhappy and we'll say, you know what, this is just the way it is. That's just the way they are. They've been like that for 10 years. They're never going to change.
00:58:48
Speaker
That is a lie straight from hell. And I want to remind you that this life is meant to be lived, not survived. But if you are hearing this, it's because you are the person that's going to make a difference. Sometimes we just have to put on our big girl panties and say, you know what? It ain't my fault, but it's my responsibility and I'm going to go figure it out.
00:59:18
Speaker
Some of you guys have dropped your weapons. It's time to pick your weapons back up and go fight. Go fight for your marriage, go fight for your parenting, go fight for yourself. I love your guys' feedback. I get DMs from you guys on, oh my gosh, this episode, like I took this nugget away. I totally welcome your guys' personal stories, your nuggets, what you took away,
00:59:47
Speaker
from this podcast. Sometimes all we need is one word to change our entire lives. There have been times when I went to church, but the word that somebody spoke to me in the hallway on the way for me to listen to the sermon was the word that changed my whole week.
01:00:08
Speaker
Sometimes we just need one word, but we got to put ourselves in places to receive that word. So I just want to congratulate you for finishing this episode, for putting yourself in a place where you can receive a word.
01:00:22
Speaker
So send me those personal testimonies, share, like, comment, subscribe. I don't do ads, but that is how you can pay it forward. Go leave a review if you got a word, if you got a nugget, go leave a review, rate the podcast, share the podcast with somebody that you think could benefit from it.
01:00:44
Speaker
And I so appreciate it. I so appreciate all of my Listen Sis family. You guys are absolutely incredible. I love you. And I'm going to wrap up with a prayer.
Conclusion and Prayer for Healing
01:00:59
Speaker
Dear Heavenly Father, and that's what you are. You're a father. You are not just some distant God in a place that we've never seen before. You are a loving father.
01:01:14
Speaker
You watch over us. You tend to our wounds. You watch us. You know us before we were ever even thought of. You knew us intimately. And so, Lord, I just thank you for each and every listener who desires to have healing in their lives, Lord. Right now, I just declare an outpouring of healing
01:01:42
Speaker
over each and every broken heart, over every body part that is hurting, that the pain that has moved from anxiety or trauma that has moved into the lens, that has moved into sinus or allergies or headaches or
01:02:01
Speaker
gut issues like all of this trauma that is there that is causing a physical pain that maybe these people are thinking you know what this is just my mother had this no no right now in the mighty name of Jesus I declare an outpouring of healing over your body over your heart over your mind over your family over your bloodline right now Lord I just speak to generational curses that have haunted
01:02:31
Speaker
that have chased down your sons and daughters and I say no more in the mighty name of Jesus, I cancel any and all of Satan's authority over your children. Lord, I cancel any and all plans that the enemy has used to partner with any past relationships to bring pain, to bring suffering upon your children.
01:02:58
Speaker
Cancel any and all unforgiveness that your children are carrying towards those people because those people are just pawns.
01:03:07
Speaker
in Satan's game. Lord, how sad it is to be a pawn in Satan's game, Lord, but we are not going to hold on to unforgiveness. We are going to forgive. We are going to forgive. We are going to release forgiveness, and we are going to move on in the mighty name of Jesus. We are going to move on with our lives. We are going to put all of those hurts. Lord, I just see you up on the cross, dying.
01:03:36
Speaker
for this pain and so we just lay this pain at the foot of the cross we just lay every anxious thought every traumatic memory lord every nightmare every
01:03:49
Speaker
any and everything that is tormenting your children, Lord, we just lay it at the foot of the cross. And we say, Lord, this is too heavy for us to carry. We're going to give it to you. We don't want to carry it, Lord. Your word says that your burden is light. Your yoke is easy. And that's what we want, Lord. We want light.
01:04:10
Speaker
and easy. The world is gonna try to put things on us and weigh us down and tire us out, Lord, but I declare a supernatural energy. I declare a divine energy over your children, over everyone under the sound of my voice, Lord, that they are going to see a healing
01:04:28
Speaker
brought about in their lives this week. They're going to feel lighter. They are going to experience joy. They are going to have a cease in depression, a cease in anxiety, a cease in areas of their body where they have experienced sickness and pain from past traumas, Lord. And we just pray and we lift up
01:04:50
Speaker
The people who have heard us, Lord, those are your children too. You died on a cross for them too. So we just release blessing over them. We just release favor over them. We release the same prayers that we're praying here over them, Lord God. And we thank you that we are going to see your word come to pass. We are gonna see a healing come to pass, Lord. We love you. Thank you, God. Thank you, God, for healing.
01:05:16
Speaker
Thank you, God, for healing. Thank you that you are the provider. You provide the healing, Lord. We don't do it on our own. We partner with you, and we do our part, but Lord, you already did it. You already died on the cross for our healing, so we just thank you, Lord. We love you, Lord. In Jesus' mighty name, and everyone said amen and amen.
01:05:38
Speaker
Men again. All right, you guys go out, spread your healing to others and be blessed.