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Rachel Rehbein LPC: Heal Yourself, Heal the World
71 Plays2 years ago
What does healing look like in a world of trauma? How do healers heal themselves? How can we help bring healing to our children?
Rachel Rehbein MS, NCC, LPC, LPCC is a psychotherapist, consultant, and adjunct professor of Psychology at the University of Wisconsin. She specializes in childhood mental health, childhood trauma/abuse/complex PTSD, and LGBTQIA+ presenting issues, including helping trans people transition. She is licensed to offer care in the states of Wisconsin and Minnesota.
CONTENT WARNINGS:
Trauma, indirect references to transphobia and abuse, discussion of Christian supremacy and religious trauma
Check out her website: ccgcounseling.com
Check out her instagram: www.instagram.com/rachel.nicole.1
Check out her LinkedIn Page:https://www.linkedin.com/in/rachelrehbein/
This program is produced in south west philadelphia, in the unceded neighborhood of the black bottom community and on the ancestral land of the Lenape nation, who remain here in the era of the fourth crow and fight for official recognition by the commonwealth of Pennsylvania to this day. You can find out more about the Lenape Nation of Pennsylvania and how you can support the revitalization of their culture by going to https://lenape-nation.org.
Visit this episode’s sponsor, BVP Coffee, roasting high quality coffee that benefits HBCU students:
https://bvp.coffee/uncommongoodpod
we chat to ordinary people doing uncommon good in service of our common humanity.
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Transcript
Introduction and Professional Background
00:00:00
Speaker
And it is a spiritual practice in some ways. You know, I start every single day before I go into therapy, especially lately, saying, what am I not to these people? You know, I'm not a protector, I'm not a lawyer, I'm not a mother, I'm not this and that, but what am I, what do I need to be or what do I want to be for the people in this space today? I am a catalyst for growth. I am a safe place. I am a listener. I am,
00:00:29
Speaker
Connective.
00:00:39
Speaker
It's Uncommon Good, the podcast where we chat to ordinary people doing uncommon good in service of our common humanity. My name is Paulie Reese. Fam, I am delighted to bring to you today Rachel Raybein. She's a licensed psychotherapist practicing in the states of Minnesota and Wisconsin. She specializes in childhood mental health, trauma and abuse, LGBTQIA plus presenting issues, including
00:01:07
Speaker
helping trans individuals transition, and complex PTSD. She lectures in
Personal Interests and Inspirations
00:01:14
Speaker
psychology at the University of Wisconsin-Superior and consults regularly on her specialties. A quick content warning off the top, we do talk a lot about trauma, especially religious trauma,
00:01:26
Speaker
COVID and Roe v. Wade, as this was recorded about that time. So as always, if these are not right for you to listen to, feel free to switch this one off and we'll catch you in the next one. We talk about her songwriting days, our shared time as college students, being a mom, and her profound love of bubble tea. And of course, the great state of Minnesota.
00:01:55
Speaker
Please enjoy my chat to Rachel Raveye. So the thing that I would really love to know is like that perfect texture of bubble tea like
00:02:10
Speaker
And then like the boba. What is, cause it's like, it's like, it's that like sort of chewy center, but then it's also sort of like true on the outside, but not as chewy or something like that. Right? Yeah. The best ones are like, I don't know for me anyway. Um, best ones are more like soft and gummy on the outside. It was kind of chewy on the inside. You don't get the whole thing chewy cause then it can kind of hard.
00:02:37
Speaker
Um, which is really, I had that happen to me a couple of times when I made it into home. They've just been kind of hard and gross. Plus, I mean, the texture is kind of important because they're already like a little slimy. Yeah. The best word for it, but yeah. Um, they take a little getting used to. My son hates them, but I love them. I think they're wonderful. And I, it's funny that he hates them because I ate so many of them when I was pregnant with him.
00:03:09
Speaker
So other than bubble tea, what sorts of things do you look to for inspiration, like when the chips are down and morale is low? Well, I don't know. Lately, inspiration has been hard, but I've been focusing a lot on just the little joys, like being able to
00:03:35
Speaker
really capture and be in the present moment with everyday joys. And that can conclude anything from going outside and watching the tops of the trees blow in the wind and the leaves or watching the bees at one of the gardens here.
00:03:55
Speaker
But I think the biggest thing that's a source of inspiration and calm and beauty and love and everything that you can think of is Lake Superior. I sit next to Lake Superior a lot. We did it last night. We were there for like an hour just sitting on the beach, watching the water. My son was like, can we go now?
00:04:18
Speaker
Oh no, he said, are you ready to go? And I said, I will never be ready to leave this place, but we can go if you'd like. He doesn't get the need for serenity yet.
00:04:35
Speaker
No, not yet. He's very much like, he's not a super like gaming kid all the time. I mean, yeah, he plays video games. He, you know, he's always stimulated with something. And so he can go out there and, you know, I think he's better than a lot of kids his age, you know, at 12, but he can go out there and sit next to the lake with me for an hour.
00:04:56
Speaker
with the dog and just hanging out and we had a picnic and yeah, it's, it's just, there's just something about it though, especially when it's close to like sunset because the water gets really still most of the time. And it's just like glass. It's like.
00:05:16
Speaker
It's just like a mirror, and you can barely tell where the horizon of the water is. It was differentiated from the sky, and so it's just amazing. There's
College Experiences and Musical Journey
00:05:30
Speaker
a bunch of things to be mindful of in that place, like the seagulls flying over your head. We saw three loons yesterday diving into the water. My dog really was very interested in the loons in the water.
00:05:45
Speaker
I got a picture of him looking out at the water and I'm like, oh, he looks so serene. And I'm like, yeah, but no one could probably tell that he's just, he's just looking at the loons. But you know, it's, we have a lake walk that's beautiful here and that's this wooden walkway that goes all along the coast of Lake Superior in, in the Duluth city limits.
00:06:15
Speaker
in Minnesota where I live and it's just beautiful. So yeah, Lake Superior is so, so much of the good and the joy and the inspiration in my life. It's funny, I actually wrote a song about Lake Superior.
00:06:36
Speaker
after I lived here about probably five years, I think you're nine years now, five or six years and just what it means to me and just the healing powers of it. And I think there's a lot of songs about like superior and it's kind of an amazing thing.
00:06:55
Speaker
that I was just, you're just reminding me that music is one of the things like how you and I know each other that like we met, we met in college and in
00:07:09
Speaker
I almost forgot until we were talking right before we turned the recording button on, but in this Christian singing group, music and being music majors in college at Greenville College, I guess it's Greenville University now, down there in Southern Illinois.
00:07:33
Speaker
Do you find do you find like a lot of those sort of like the culture around music that like the sort of like turn of the century like dot com bust like Christian music industry does any of that and any of the community like and any of the sort of way of life from that sort of period does that does any of that still linger?
00:08:02
Speaker
I think there's parts of that time in my life that linger. Some of them are positive, some of them are not so positive, obviously. I have completely turned a corner when it comes to the type of music that I play and listen to and that I write, and it's certainly not in the contemporary Christian music genre anymore.
00:08:27
Speaker
There's a lot of distance between my life and my expression and what inspires me now versus then. It's funny, I was actually talking to someone today about that because I mentioned, I talked about just the people I know from Greenville and I said something about going to a music school and it's someone I know here and they were like,
00:08:49
Speaker
We went, you were in music? I'm like, yeah, because not everyone knows that about me here. And so I'm like, yeah, I have an album. It's incredibly embarrassing.
00:09:07
Speaker
And that's one part of it is like, you know, probably a third of the songs don't resonate with where I am in my life now. But that's kind of how music is in it as far as self expression is in general. But I think there are there are parts that I take away from.
00:09:25
Speaker
the time of my life at Greenville, specifically surrounding music that are pretty beautiful. A lot of it had to do with the community around music because everyone loved music there. Everyone wanted to be a musician. Everyone wanted to be doing music in their lives for their livelihood. It was just a fun atmosphere where everyone was really excited about music. I remember us going, me and a group of friends going to an old abandoned water tower.
00:09:56
Speaker
that was somewhere in Greenville, I don't remember. We crawled in the middle of the night, we crawled inside the water tower and just sang like choral music because the acoustics were so amazing. Yeah. It's funny because in college you would think of all the escapades you could be a part of and crawling into an old band in water tower and singing classical choral music is not typically one you would think of.
00:10:22
Speaker
God, we were so, so obsessed in such a wonderful way with music and what it meant and how it made us feel and what it let us express. I think those are the things that I continue to carry with me. I don't perform as much anymore. My stage fright has gotten a little worse since I've gotten older.
00:10:43
Speaker
Um, which I think happens, you know, as we grow older, things shift and change and priorities change, but I still play for myself all the time. And, um, I still write music, even if I'm not sharing it with everyone. And so.
00:10:59
Speaker
Yeah, I think that that love for what music can be and what it can mean as an art. I still very much I learned a lot of that in Greenville from the professors, some of them who are just still, you know, very active in my life and who I talked to. And yeah, it was just a beautiful thing. It was that part of the culture. There were obviously many other parts of that culture in that school that were
00:11:28
Speaker
toxic and that were difficult and I think some of that still lingers too, but there's so many positive things about that atmosphere and being in a small town in a tiny private school where there's not a lot to do and so you just find your own fun and a lot of it had to do with music. You just go to the practice rooms and just goof around.
00:11:49
Speaker
play on the pianos. Right. I was in two semesters to see your songwriter, the class. That's right. We had a class where you just got to sit and write songs and play songs for each other, and you got an A for doing that. Yeah, and all of the other people in the class gave you feedback on your music and you were
00:12:13
Speaker
You had to take some of that feedback and apply it to your song or to your piece and then bring it back. We did collaborations. Gosh, I think I did. Two separate collaborations was just one of my favorite people there.
00:12:34
Speaker
And they were very jazz influenced, which I love. And yeah, just fun. We just sit in the factories and we'll be like, okay, well, our assignment is to write a song in three days. So let's go. Let's do this. And we did, and it was great.
00:12:54
Speaker
It really pushed me to the limits of what I thought I could do creatively. And now that I have that institution, very pivotal time in my life, that young adulthood time, I realized that I was capable of a lot of things.
00:13:08
Speaker
Right. Because Greenville, at least in the music department, I mean, you got pushed. You got pushed by the professors, you got pushed by your peers. But it was really, in some ways, it was a catalyst for creativity and creating new things that had never been there before, which is kind of an amazing thing to do in your life, isn't it? It's so good. It's so good.
00:13:39
Speaker
And my love of music didn't start at Greenville, but it certainly bloomed there. And not just music is like something that you listen to on the radio, like music as a part of your life, as part of experiencing
00:13:55
Speaker
life and moments and joy and sadness and grief and all of those things that we experienced day to day. I have lots of different songs that I've written and that I listened to from other people from Greenville that have written those songs about all those different things. And it's just beautifully connected. So yeah, music doesn't play as much of a role in my life as it used to, but it's certainly still there.
00:14:25
Speaker
And yeah, what a special time to be at Greenville that time. I always wonder if other people experience the culture the way we did. I want to like, I want to like hone in on something that I heard you say. Sure. And you mentioned that you
Faith and Spirituality Journey
00:14:46
Speaker
had this process of
00:14:49
Speaker
Certain things that that linger with you and that feel this is my word that that kind of I guess our life-giving are our more joyous things to hang on to more more generative things more loving things to hang on to and others that
00:15:09
Speaker
I guess we try, we try and release let go of, um, allow to impact us a little less as, um, because yes, they can be toxic at times. Is that that work of, of sifting through that and figuring out what to hang onto and what to let go of? Is that something that is like a very conscious sort of like sifting through? Is that something that,
00:15:40
Speaker
really just sort of happens and then you look back and it's like, oh, that's a thing that happened. Or is it sort of somewhere in between? Yeah, I think it's a little bit of somewhere in between. Um, it certainly takes some intentionality, but I think some of that happened naturally. Like many difficult things that we go through, you know, my time at Greenville, I went through a period where it meant a lot to me when I was there. And then once I was gone, I experienced a whole
00:16:11
Speaker
slew of emotions like anger and sadness for some of the things that were in place there as far as policy, academic policy and procedure and all those different things and the ideals that the college set forth, some of them were really beautiful, some of them were really hard, especially as I got older and started to distance myself more from
00:16:38
Speaker
that particular line of faith. And so, yeah, I think a lot of it was intentional though, but it was intentional after the anger came up.
00:16:51
Speaker
and a little bit of resentment. I remember talking to another Greenville person recently who said that she had not engaged in a whole lot of conversations about what Greenville was with other Greenville people because they would just talk badly about it there.
00:17:11
Speaker
And she was at a place where she's like, well, I don't really want to focus on that stuff. And so I think that that's something that we do, too. But for me, I had to go through the talking badly about it and resenting the parts of it that were really hard or that were really difficult.
00:17:33
Speaker
my growth out of, ironically, my growth out of evangelicalism began at Greenville and it continued. And so there were parts of Greenville that were related to that that were really painful to me and were connected with some religious trauma from my family. But there were other parts like the fact that
00:17:56
Speaker
two of the religion professors at Greenville were pivotal in allowing me to be brave enough to disconnect from that faith.
00:18:07
Speaker
And just one of the most ironic things I think about and interesting things about Greenville is faith was not something, at least with the right people that you met there. And I did meet the right people there. They showed me that faith wasn't something that you had to do, but something that you could choose to do if you felt like you could, or if you felt like it was something that it was a choice.
00:18:33
Speaker
Um, something that was pushed, I think it was pushed in certain parts of Greenville, but you know, when I sat down to coffee with a religion professor, um, they said, you know, faith is a really hard thing for people to have and not everyone has it and that's okay. And you know, you had to find a way.
00:18:56
Speaker
to believe what feels good for you, what makes sense to you, what makes your heart feel calm and happy and fulfilled and all of those things. Because for me, obviously, evangelicalism was such a source of distress more than anything else. So my experiences at Greenville were very interesting because
00:19:22
Speaker
I grew out of and started to parse out the difference between what I wanted to take with me as far as experiences and what I wanted to leave behind as I started to heal from my religious trauma. So they were really directly connected for me. And in the process of doing that, Greenville and the experiences there just came along for the ride.
00:19:52
Speaker
in that experience that I was having of just trying to generally decide what are parts of my religious experiences growing up that I want to bring with me into my future life or that I want to leave behind.
00:20:11
Speaker
I think it became intentional once I realized that I was like, Oh, I'm pretty angry. Right. I'm pretty upset about things. And then it became intentional. It's like, where's this coming from? And I think anger is such an incredibly natural response to difficult circumstances. It's beautiful in that I think a lot of people think anger is a bad emotion. Um, but anger really does speak to us. It has something to communicate to us.
00:20:40
Speaker
when it shows up. And I think what my anger at that time in my life in my very early 20s after I graduated was, hey, there's maybe something you need to process here. There's some hurt that needs attention. There's some healing that needs to occur. And I did that healing and that was through
00:21:02
Speaker
my own reflection and my own individual therapy and all of those things that I went through in that time in my life.
00:21:16
Speaker
And of course, being a psych major, changing to a psych major probably didn't hurt as far as like increasing my awareness of things, right? And then wanting, deciding, you know, at the end of my Greenville experience that I wanted to be a mental health therapist. And so my shift was toward intentionality in general, and it was good. It was a good experience. Parts of it are hard. And sometimes, I think it took me a little while to realize how many good things were at Greenville.
00:21:45
Speaker
because the bad was so looming and overwhelming and difficult. But those things did come forward. And I often wonder if, because I still have very many connections from Greenville that I keep in my life, that I hold very dear. And I wonder if that environment would have been different with the nature of the relationships I made be different.
00:22:19
Speaker
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Speaker
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Speaker
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Speaker
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00:23:41
Speaker
If the overall environment were even just like a smidge less generally toxic. Yeah. I don't know. There was something about it. It was overwhelmingly
00:23:57
Speaker
strict environment, as you know. But what
Therapy and Client Connection Techniques
00:24:02
Speaker
came out of that was actually a really fun form of rebellion where there was an underground pot smoking community and an underground gay community. And there's all of these things that were at Greenville that if you knew the right people and you made those connections, and those connections felt very special, I think partially because of the safety that they
00:24:26
Speaker
provided in an environment that didn't always feel safe.
00:24:30
Speaker
And so I don't know. I wonder about that. I wonder if the nature of my relationship, my roommate from Greenville is still one of my dearest friends. And we have, we went a decade without seeing each other and you still talk at least once a week. You know, it's, it's this amazing, beautiful connection. And I just wonder if those things would be the same. Cause we have such an incredibly interesting common experience.
00:24:58
Speaker
in what we went through there. Not like anything else that I've talked to from other people that have just went to like, you know, regular colleges or universities. So it is, it's interesting and it's been a process, but ultimately I think I really do appreciate a lot of things about that time of my life.
00:25:24
Speaker
When you think about the language of faith and spirituality and what it meant to you that
00:25:31
Speaker
Are some of those words like faith, spirituality, community? I remember being a really big one that got used a lot. Religious experience. Do any of those feel accurate to describe what your connection to the divine, the unknowable, the unanswerable question?
00:26:01
Speaker
Does it feel right to use any of those words to describe your connection to that now? Or should there be new words for it?
00:26:11
Speaker
Yeah, I've had these conversations with other people from Greenville because I think my faith, as it was, shifted and shifted and I actually went, you know, huge pentagilum swing to almost like, to atheism, right? Because that's what made sense to me and that's what felt safer and that's what
00:26:35
Speaker
Because there's so many things about Christianity that were so wrong in my book as far as the way that I had experienced it, right? The way that I experienced it and the way that I had seen other people be treated because of that within the name of that, right? In the name of Christianity or specifically evangelicalism. So I really distanced myself from all of those things for a few years and I think I gave myself time to heal and
00:27:04
Speaker
to have the space to say, okay, what about this, if anything, is really a part of me and what was just kind of indoctrination growing up? And that's a hard thing to figure out, right? Because the part of growing, I mean, it's a part of you, how you grew up, what you were taught, those kinds of things. And so I think now
00:27:31
Speaker
Faith means something a little different to me. It doesn't have as much of a religious connotation. I am 100 percent a humanist. And so do I believe that there's something that are there are things that are unexplained that we don't know about? Absolutely.
00:27:51
Speaker
Do I have wonder in things that are unknown and unexplained? Sure, yeah, but I don't know that I necessarily believe in divinity in the general sense of how I used to. My spirituality tends to focus on connection with other humans, which I think is
00:28:13
Speaker
a part of even, you know, Christianity that I took, because I think they're in its purest form and whatever that means. But I think the way that I understood Christianity growing up, that was a part of it, right? That we, that we wanted to connect with others that we wanted to
00:28:31
Speaker
advocate for people who were othered in our society, that we were to take them under our wing, we were to give them sustenance if they needed it, that we were to provide for the poor and the needy and those who were going through difficult times. That part of Christianity I realized was still, I was like, okay, this resonated with me when I was younger and it still resonates with me, but what does that mean for me now?
00:29:00
Speaker
Now, it
00:29:03
Speaker
my, I don't have really, like I wouldn't say I have like a religion, but I think my spirituality completely, completely revolves or this idea of the fact that connecting with other human beings is essential to a happy, healthy and productive life for human beings. And also essential for, for me to feel fulfilled and feel like I am doing something that makes the world a better place, which I think we all need. That's meaning.
00:29:32
Speaker
I am a psychology major, I have a master's degree, I'm a therapist, so I always think back to psychologists. And Abraham Maslow was a guy who created the entire psychological theory around, called lobotherapy, which is around this idea that human beings require meaning. And my meaning has always been connected to people.
00:29:57
Speaker
and how I experienced those people and being with those people and not just saying hi or not just having conversations with being holding space with people. And which is one of the reasons why I went into the field that I'm in and why I continue to love it so much. And really I'm excited about my work day to day and it is a spiritual practice in some ways. You know, I start every single day before I go into therapy, especially lately saying,
00:30:26
Speaker
What am I not to these people? I'm not a protector. I'm not a lawyer. I'm not a mother. I'm not this and that, but what am I? What do I need to be or what do I want to be for the people in this space today? I am a catalyst for growth. I am a safe place. I am a listener.
00:30:47
Speaker
Connective I am you know all of those things and Yeah, I think Faith for me more means faith in humanity Now and in our ability to connect with one another I Think if you look at the big picture of our society in the world at large right now I think that that's a hard thing to believe in but if you are
00:31:09
Speaker
if you pull yourself into your day-to-day experience, into the present, into the things that are right next to you, the people that you pass every day, I don't think it's difficult to find that or to believe in it. Um, so yeah, I love and belonging and connectedness have become my religion, I think in some ways. So that's kind of my, that was kind of my experience, my,
00:31:40
Speaker
way that I grew out and around and separate from, and then back to some of those ideologies.
00:31:49
Speaker
What are the sorts of things that help to bring you to that place of attention and the capacity to hold space? Because I can't imagine that that process and creating that safe space for other people is something that hasn't taken a lot of intentionality. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, I think the professional training is important.
00:32:16
Speaker
I've been very intentional about specializing very early in specific things that mean a lot to me, people that I want to hold space for, particularly childhood trauma and chronic trauma, people that have been through abuse, neglect.
00:32:34
Speaker
assaults, difficult things in their lives. It's even more important for me to be intentional about creating that safe space for them and for me when you're doing that work. Usually, first of all, it comes from knowing myself incredibly well, which has been a process.
00:32:59
Speaker
as a therapist in order to create a safe space, you have to be incredibly aware of whatever you're bringing to that space. Whether that's past trauma of your own, whether that's biases or whether that is particular difficulties with letting go of certain things. Yeah, you have to know all of those things. You have to know them.
00:33:27
Speaker
Yeah, and the process of that work is long and is continuous, I think. We are the tool when it comes to being a therapist. You don't have tools that you use that you can keep in good shape. You are the tool.
00:33:47
Speaker
So yeah, that's part of work, I think. And that's the work that's happened over the course of my professional life. It's also what I do every morning is I say, okay, what am I feeling today? Check in with myself. What am I bringing to the table? Am I bringing frustrations or am I bringing anxiety or am I bringing peace or where do those things come from for me? And because
00:34:16
Speaker
I feel like before we continue on, because I want you to finish the thought about making space, but I do just want to acknowledge that Zeus is with us, and Zeus is also the most adorable thing.
00:34:34
Speaker
He's so sweet. Like our pets are so important though. And he's new. You just got him a couple months ago and he's a rescue and he's just the most, he's just such a beautiful part of our family now. But yeah, he has to be near people. He really gets very anxious when he's alone. So we'll create safe space for Zeus right now too. Is this your first pet that was a rescue?
00:35:03
Speaker
my first rescue. Well, we did rescue a cat sort of that we've had for a very long time, 15 years. But he was just kind of left where my husband and I were dating at the time where he was staying. Someone just kind of left a cat there. So that was kind of a rescue because he was just like, oh, why is the cat here? I'm just going to take it in and take care of it. So our cat is sort of a rescue, but this is our first official rescue from a humane society.
00:35:31
Speaker
He's just beautiful. He's so good.
00:35:35
Speaker
He's adorable. Is he, like, what, is it, like, I don't know, Breeze, is it, like, Pitbull Mastiff? Like, I'm trying, I'm trying to guess. Yeah, he's a Pitbull, which is very interesting because I'm always very kind of hyper aware of the fact that some people are freed Pitbulls or that don't like them. And because we, you know, trained to be intentional about that when we're interacting with other people. But it's so funny to me to think about someone saying that this dog is ferocious and terrible because he's like...
00:36:03
Speaker
I think of it every time he like slops himself on his back and just kind of rolls around and has his like tongue hanging out of his mouth and just is like happy to be alive. Which happens multiple times a day. I'm like, yeah, yeah, that's a ferocious dog right there. Gosh, I can't think of any other people things in our world that we misunderstand like that at all because we're so good at understanding each other. Yeah, imagine that. Misunderstanding based on stereotypes.
00:36:35
Speaker
Oh, gosh. That never happens. That never happens at all. Like, never ever. I can't think of it any time that that's happened to me. Well, maybe that's why it likes me so much. It's like your representation of that. That, you know, the dog is not the breed, the dog is the dog. It's his personality and everything like that. And I think in the same way, like,
00:37:02
Speaker
People are not defined by the things we often tend to define them by. They're defined by things that matter more than that. Things that stoop down and reach into the core of what being a human is. And that goes back to what we were talking about before. That's part of the save space too, is intentionally saying, no matter what this person brings into this room.
00:37:31
Speaker
I'm going to be okay and I'm going to meet them there and I am going to feel that with them in a way that feels validating and communal.
00:37:46
Speaker
and calming. And so I say to my clients a lot, especially like the younger, the teenage ones or whatever, could we talk about language a lot? And they're like, what are the rules? And I'm like, you know what? You can't say anything that's going to upset me. You can't say anything that's going to make me angry or disappointed. Those aren't things that happen in the year. And that's part of the creating that safe place, is making them very aware of the fact that they don't have to please me.
00:38:14
Speaker
They don't have to be worried about my emotions. They don't have to take care of me. They don't have to be worried about how I'm going to react to a specific thing because
00:38:24
Speaker
Um, and that's important. That's important. And I think that's what makes therapy different than other places. Right. And so, yeah, that's, that's one of the things that I, that I do intentionally with my clients. So I intentionally check up with myself at the beginning of the day. And then I intentionally check in with my clients pretty often and say, remember, um, especially when it comes to like homework that I've given or things they were supposed to be working on. And I said, you know, remember.
00:38:52
Speaker
that whatever pace you have is okay and that if you didn't quite make the goal, then you're still 100% accepted. Maybe we'll talk about why we didn't make that goal. Maybe it was too big of a goal. Maybe there were barriers we need to discuss and that's okay.
00:39:11
Speaker
There's no, there's no expectations to be or do a certain thing in this space. And so that's very important for kids. Um, that includes having the conversation and say, you know what, you get to use whatever language you want in here. And they're like, anything?
00:39:29
Speaker
And a lot of like, can I cuss in here? And I'm like, you know, this is, yes, absolutely. I mean, this is, there are no rules in here for that sort of thing. And kids just love that. The other thing kids really love, especially if I'm working with a defiant kid, because oftentimes that comes with trauma.
00:39:46
Speaker
is, you know, defiance and behavioral outbursts and those kinds of things. And these are kids that other people consider very difficult. And one of the things that I do to connect with them and to create a safe base with them is to say, you know what, this is, this place is different because in this space, you get to tell me, no.
00:40:05
Speaker
as an adult. So if we're talking about something and you don't want to talk about it or you don't feel ready, you get to tell me now. If I have an activity for us to do that's based in therapeutic growth and you aren't really interested in it, you guys just tell me now.
00:40:24
Speaker
I'm able to create a safe space like that because I have done the work of knowing what I'm doing and having a lot of, like I said, a lot of background and training to be able to, and creativity to be able to think on my feet. So if I have an activity and from grief.
00:40:40
Speaker
And I say, this is what I'm thinking about doing today. How do you feel about that? And the client says, I don't really want to do that. Then I have to then be willing and able and capable of saying, well, what about, what about this thing or how do you feel or what do you think you need? And so sometimes it's about checking in with clients. Sometimes it's about, especially with defiant kids, keeping them lots of options so that they feel like they're an active part of their growth, their process. Um,
00:41:08
Speaker
So yeah, so many things go into it, but I think one of the things that I often also think about is that one of the other populations that I work with are specifically LGBTQA plus individuals and even more so trans and minor youth.
00:41:35
Speaker
which is, as we know, an incredibly vulnerable population, a very misunderstood population, a population that deals with a lot of stigma and a lot of prejudices against them from a very young age on a very large scale.
00:41:56
Speaker
creating a safe space for them partially means the things I put around my room. Partially means some self-disclosure and saying, hey, you know, my son is trans. And isn't that interesting that we have that in common? I'm not trans. I'm a cisgendered, you know, hetero,
00:42:19
Speaker
white and female, but my son is transgender. Someone I love is transgender.
00:42:29
Speaker
Self-disclosure is interesting when you're in psychology, when you're a therapist, because you have to be very intentional about when it's appropriate and make sure that you're not creating a space where it's about you, where your experience is at all. But that particular piece of self-disclosure has been very important in creating a safe space for the
00:42:53
Speaker
for the people that I see as a part of that population. And there's been so many circumstances where I see them just visibly, physically relaxed when I say, oh, my son is transgender, would you like to see a picture? And it is, it's been so important.
00:43:15
Speaker
Um, but there's so few therapists that are actually within that community. You know, I mean, I think ideally it would be wonderful for them to be able to find a therapist who's also transgender or non-binary or who also has, um, some experiences within that community. But to know that you love someone within that community, I think is, is connective and, um, yeah, it should be very helpful.
00:43:44
Speaker
So one of the things that's a part of providing a safe place is just something that's called client-centered therapy, which means exactly what I was talking about earlier. You get to be in charge of your own growth. You get to decide what your pace is. I'll help you learn that as we go along, but healing not only doesn't happen in a straight line, but also doesn't happen on a specific timeline. So. Yeah.
00:44:15
Speaker
So yeah, there's a lot of things that go into it, both, you know, as my growth as a person, coming up to where I am now and as a professional, but also things that I do intentionally every day in my practice. That feels
Coping with Global Events and Mindfulness Practices
00:44:30
Speaker
so beautiful, number one. But number two, thinking about how many
00:44:42
Speaker
difficult things we are living in right now for the vulnerable populations that you're talking about, LGBTQIA plus youth, thinking about victims of any number of traumas, survivors of abuse, and thinking about, and
00:45:09
Speaker
So, I mean, we're recording in like the last couple days of July. So the repeal of Roe is very fresh. It is. The language around Obergefell and the possibility of like
00:45:27
Speaker
Some of the threats of marriage equality feels like a very looming thing. The increasingly strict bans on non-susgender kids being able to participate in school sports feels very fresh.
00:45:51
Speaker
There's there's another thing. Oh, yeah We're still in the middle of a pandemic on top of everything else and
00:46:03
Speaker
Yeah, we live in a time right now that in the 11 years I've been practicing, this is the first in these last couple of years. It's been the first time where there's so much commonly lived trauma, like commonalities between clients, things going through. I mean, after Roe v. Wade was repealed by the Supreme Court,
00:46:26
Speaker
every, almost like 99% of the women that came into my office that week after, it was a source of discussion. It was a discussion of what that meant for them, their mental health, how they were coping with that, what emotions were coming forth from that experience and that news and yeah, yeah. And of course, the pandemic has been a part of
00:46:54
Speaker
pretty much everyone's presenting issues since it started because it's so incredibly
00:47:04
Speaker
It's so incredibly groundbreaking because it really is since like, you know, I don't even know that there's an equivalent. World Wars, you know, the Holocaust, things like that. But they're not exactly equivalent. You know, this is, it's its own thing. It's its own internationally lived experience that is traumatic in nature, that makes us feel, made us feel as if our lives were in danger in a way that we hadn't felt before, that, um,
00:47:33
Speaker
Yeah, it felt very, very apocalyptic in some ways. And I think it's, it is very, very interesting how different people have experienced that. But I think everyone has a common experience of, hey, this affected my life negatively.
00:47:48
Speaker
or I lost some things because of this. Whether that's a friend from not being able to stay in contact or whether that's your smell or your taste. I had and continue to have some long COVID symptoms. I had it in November 2020 and I still don't have all my smell or taste back. There's some weird things there. So yeah, there's all kinds of physical experiences, emotional experiences.
00:48:16
Speaker
from that, from this major event in our history, it's really impactful. And I think what you're saying is very insightful as far as what people are dealing with day to day, is that it's not just one trauma, it's just this cumulative feeling of just being bombarded all the time, whether it's from the news, the international news, the national news, whether it's
00:48:46
Speaker
Yeah, it's just really overwhelming, isn't it? For most people right now, and I think no matter what your ideologies are, political beliefs or whatever, I think most people when you sit down with them are really very overwhelmed by the experience of being alive in this time. One of the languages that I've heard used a lot is, let's get through today.
00:49:16
Speaker
when we're dealing with all this collective trauma. And as you said, the things just sort of keep getting piled on. What sorts of things get you through to the end of the day?
00:49:31
Speaker
Yeah, because I think I think those are those are the sorts of things Those are the sorts of things that like I think especially now at least from from certainly from more than a few people that that have been on the on the pod so far and are like These are these are lifeblood right now Absolutely
00:49:50
Speaker
It's funny, I keep going back to this idea of focusing on my corner of the world because I think it feels a lot less overwhelming. You know, I had one client in particular who was feeling really hopeless and said, you know, if the world is just one big puzzle, one messed up puzzle, I'm just one piece. No one's going to notice if I'm gone.
00:50:18
Speaker
And the way that I responded to that, which I've taken with me and he's given me permission to, you know, use that metaphor with other people. Um, sure. Is my immediate response was, you know, I think you're, I think you're viewing the world in a different way than I do. I don't see the world as one big puzzle. I see the world as millions of small puzzles.
00:50:43
Speaker
that are created and that encompass our own little quarter of the world, who we interact with on a daily basis, our communities, our local government, just the people and the things that we see and interact with and communicate with on a daily basis. And I said, if the world is in fact
00:51:11
Speaker
lots of smaller puzzles, then you wouldn't notice a piece missing in a small puzzle, wouldn't you? And he was like, oh, well, yeah, I guess so. I said, so let's talk about what is your puzzle? What is your corner of the world?
00:51:31
Speaker
What is it involved in people who are the places who were you know? What are the things that? Are involved in in what would be your small puzzle in this world and it really was very groundbreaking for him And we use the metaphor a lot and so I continue to go back to that. Yeah head and say okay focus on your puzzle focus on your corner of the world and
00:51:56
Speaker
where real growth is possible, where a real human connection happens every day, where things feel dynamic and less hopeless.
00:52:12
Speaker
And, you know, I also stopped watching the news as much. Hardly at all anymore actually. I laugh. I laugh because it started at the beginning of COVID and eventually I was like, I don't even, I don't like the news. Is that even a part of my life anymore? I stay connected to things because I follow like NPR, like Minnesota Public Radio.
00:52:34
Speaker
on Facebook or whatever, and that's about it. And so I get the main tag points, but then I get to decide how much I want to go into and look at those things. Because I do think it's important to be informed. That's another thing about this time of being alive. I think so many people, so, so many people that I talk to are trying to find a balance between I want to be informed and I need to take care of myself.
00:52:58
Speaker
And it's such a difficult thing right now because being informed in the way that we used to think of being informed is now incredibly overwhelming for most people. So it's, yeah, it comes back to in your corner of the world, what are things that you can do? What are things that you can make a difference doing or experiencing? Who can you connect with?
00:53:26
Speaker
And yeah, that's really what I go to over and over and over again, like a mantra, like, okay, what's in your corner of the world today? If I get overwhelmed by the news, what's in your corner of the world today? And how can you experience that in the moment and how can you get through that and how can you
00:53:49
Speaker
Yeah. Feel all the emotions that come from that and be present with yourself and others.
00:53:57
Speaker
So that's one thing. I think the other thing is I've, it's funny, I'm reading a book right now. I'm almost done. Well, the second time through. So one has been crazy, but, um, and one of the books that I picked up was, uh, a book called When Things Fall Apart by Pema Cauldron. Pema Children. Yeah. And so it's just a beautiful idea and I've always kind of, uh,
00:54:23
Speaker
appreciated certain parts of Buddhist teachings, particularly being mindful of all the different emotions, being able to sit with each emotion without judgment. That is a part of getting through every day with me saying, you know, whatever I experienced today, whether it's sadness, whether it's grief, whether it's anger, whether it's anything that I can sit with that and understand that that's an emotion that's valuable.
00:54:49
Speaker
and that's not to be pushed away, then I can listen to it and then listen to my body and act in an effective way to take care of myself based on that information and I do that every day.
00:55:04
Speaker
And that includes daily meditations. That includes daily, what I call my client's body check-ins, which are just mindful check-ins and say, okay, all right, so from your head, is there any tension in here? Is there any tension in your face, in your jaw, in your, you know, and going down and just really intentionally increasing that awareness of your body? Because for me and for a lot of my clients, because it comes with trauma, body-mind connection is incredibly strong.
00:55:34
Speaker
particularly in relation to trauma, but in relation to any mental health issue. And so our bodies feel and experience things with our mind. We know that there's been just this amazing research that's happened in how we conceptualize and understand mental health trauma just over the last 10 years. There's a person, he's world-renowned expert on trauma called Bessel van der Kolk.
00:56:02
Speaker
and speed. Yeah. Yeah. He talks about this idea of, and he wrote this book called The Body Keeps the Score, but he talks about the idea that our bodies, our nervous systems, our muscles have memory and they experience trauma in the same way that our mind, in a similar way that our minds do. There's so much that's housed within the body and we're still learning these things.
00:56:23
Speaker
And the more we learn about them, the more that it's clear that there's a strong connection there. So something as simple as a body check-in is incredibly important because you say, okay, I may know what I'm feeling, but what is my body? How is my body experiencing that feeling? And, you know, it all comes back to present day mindfulness, right? Yeah. Experiencing myself, my surroundings, my emotions, my responses in this moment.
00:56:53
Speaker
and then moving on from there and grounding yourself in that. It's funny to look at all the things that have popped up as far as trends and new habits that people pick up from COVID. One of the things that I think was a pretty universal experience that I saw online and with my friends and with me especially is
00:57:15
Speaker
disconnecting from electronics and finding mindful activities. So you see all of these people and all of a sudden board games and puzzles and cross stitch kits are selling out online. And I think people really keyed into that and had an understanding that they needed to pull back from the big
00:57:43
Speaker
You know reality of things into into key into their in in eternal present space
00:57:51
Speaker
No, no, you just went down like half of my pandemic like audiobook playlist. That's wonderful. Regular listeners know that like I was sick and in trauma recovery myself for a very long time. And my therapist actually prescribed for me to listen to when things fall apart.
00:58:20
Speaker
Beautiful. Yeah. Oh, it's a wonderful book. Yes. But it's so incredibly based in the sense of mindfulness, right? And there's so much resilience built into that.
00:58:34
Speaker
Yes. Which is why I love the book so much and then why I'm already through the second read almost. But yeah, yeah. And that book's really fun because it also talks about something that I had not been previously aware of, at least not fully.
00:58:50
Speaker
which is the idea of bodhicitta, which is the Sanskrit word for noble or awakened heart. And they talk about this soft spot, this soft heart that we all have as human beings, this capacity for softness and love and connection and compassion. And so I just love that idea. And I think that
00:59:14
Speaker
Being mindful like that idea of being focusing on the corner of this world that we're in Focusing on our own mindfulness in our present moment. I think awakens that in a lot of people What would you say to to someone who has just a shell like
00:59:39
Speaker
built carefully constructed, perhaps, or in layers of years of emotional separation from the core. I'm remembering a comment made by a colleague who is an academic theologian, and he talks about how
01:00:03
Speaker
academic theologians will engage every part of the human experience and the capacity for making meaning and understanding, except for the inner vulnerable squishy bits, in order to understand the inner vulnerable squishy bits. What would you say to someone like that to
01:00:34
Speaker
to try and just invite to this awakened, present, vulnerable spot.
01:00:45
Speaker
Yeah. Well, first of all, I think when you talk to anyone about taking down barriers or walls or things that they've built up for protection and survival, you have to come at that very gently and first acknowledge that those things are there for a reason and that they served a purpose at some time. I talk about, because I mean, when you're talking about people who have been through significant trauma, self-protection is such a huge part of that.
01:01:15
Speaker
when we are experiencing a traumatic experience and then afterwards, you know, what PTSD is, is our brain kind of gets stuck in trauma mode. And so we get stuck in this survival way of experiencing our surroundings. And that comes with you, you are me, right? Or I'm going to protect myself at all costs. And
01:01:42
Speaker
In small circumstances where the trauma is occurring, that's very, very productive. It's very adaptive. But then we talk about, okay, well, is this currently adaptive to you? Or how are these walls or how is this shell impacting your life and what may it be keeping you from?
01:02:06
Speaker
So you find out from that person, first of all, how motivated they are to change that, right? And if they are to say, okay, well, this is a long process, but let's start, let's start slow. Let's start a little bit at a time. Um, interestingly enough, that means for most people starting to discuss difficult emotions, um,
01:02:33
Speaker
in a way that feels safe and it starts, like I said, my experience with a friend or a close person or a therapist. It's funny, when I'm in therapy with someone who's so incredibly guarded, one of the first things I do is acknowledge how very difficult it must be for them to be there and how scary and how difficult emotions are.
01:02:55
Speaker
And then obviously that safe space saying, you know, whatever pace you take is okay and wherever you are is okay. But I do this dice game with people where I have a dice and I just, and it's something that, you know, a lot of different therapists have done and I've kind of modified it. I put a difficult emotion for each number on the dice and I let them just roll the dice. And I said, well, tell me how you felt that way. And they get to choose how deep they go or how not deep they go.
01:03:25
Speaker
Yes. Um, but that's the way I try to open up a little bit. And, um, because if you want to take part that shell, you're going to have to do it the way it was built piece by piece and with time. And so I would see as someone who has that inner shell, that first of all, how wonderful that you knew how to protect yourself in the times that you needed to. Um, also.
01:03:56
Speaker
How motivated are you to begin to open that space up as it feels safe for you? And that is always, always fueled by connection. And if you think about it, I mean, think how hard it is to change a habit, just like some silly little thing or something like quitting smoking or starting to work out or things like that. Gosh, our brains just tend to fight against that change.
01:04:20
Speaker
or floss or good dental IJ, you know, or, you know, like anything. It just, it's so hard. And the reason it's so hard is because our brains create specific pathways and those pathways become worn and then they become bigger and more used. And so our brains are going to go to the path and it's easiest. So change of any kind becomes, and with my clients with trauma, it becomes the, who all have that shell, all of them.
01:04:50
Speaker
It becomes how do we begin to take steps day by day to teach your brain that you're safe again and to start to reconnect with some of those squishy bits and in a way that feels achievable.
01:05:07
Speaker
So step by step by step and some people I see it takes three or four years some people six months and Some people a couple of sessions. They're like, oh period. I mean even you know for me Every day my brain wants to put that parts of that shell back
01:05:23
Speaker
You know, um, so it's like an intentional thing to say no actually we're safe and actually um, I talked to my brain a lot I encourage my clients to talk to my brain a lot their brains a lot and say you know what? I really appreciate what you're doing for me. Yeah, like talking to ourselves. Uh, I had a client one time come in for his first session and he was like, so you gonna tell me how much of a nut job I am and I'm like, well, that's interesting. I actually don't believe in that jobs. I
01:05:48
Speaker
Um, but I don't think, I don't think that you're crazy when you're talking to yourself. I don't think anything like that. So I do encourage people to talk to themselves and their brains. I just, when they start to notice those things to say, you know what? I really appreciate what you're doing to me. You're trying to protect me. I get that. Also, maybe there's another way that we can do that. Maybe there's another way we can feel safe where we don't want to put up balls right now. My how our world would be different.
01:06:16
Speaker
if a few more people could find the courage to explore that space. And because of the way our world is, what a beautiful thing when people do make that choice, right? What a beautiful thing indeed. I have one last question for you. What would you like the world to look like when you're done with it?
01:06:45
Speaker
That's a wonderful question. It's also a really difficult question. I think it has to go back to my corner of the world, right? Some of the most amazing people that changed the world, the entire world beyond measure started with their corner of the world. And so my goal is to connect with as many people as I can in a way that feels genuine and
01:07:14
Speaker
real and healing because that fuels change in people, which then fuels change in society. So I think I want the world
01:07:36
Speaker
more people in the world to learn, to open up, to connect with one another, to build their own resilience so that they can have the ability to empathize with their fellow humans. And maybe that just means in my community, maybe it spreads further, I don't know, but I just want to increase people's ability to love themselves and then love each other.
01:08:04
Speaker
And that's what a lot of my life's work day to day is based on. How can I teach other people to love again in a world that makes loving so difficult? What an incredibly beautiful thought to linger on and to end our time together.
01:08:37
Speaker
Thank you, Rachel, so much for being with me on the program. Thank you so much for having me. It's been a pleasure. Really has.
01:08:50
Speaker
My thanks to my guest Rachel Rayvine. You can follow her on Instagram and LinkedIn, and you can find out more about her practice at the links in the episode description. Thank you so much for tuning in to Uncommon Good with Paulie Reese. This program is produced in southwest Philadelphia on the unceded land of the Leni Lenape tribe and the Black Bottom community.
01:09:09
Speaker
Our associate producers are Willa Jaffe and Kia Watkins. If you enjoyed listening to the show, please support us by leaving us a five-star review and a comment and subscribing wherever you listen to podcasts. It really helps people find us. Uncommon Good is also available on YouTube, TikTok, and Instagram at uncommongoodpod. Follow us there for closed caption video content.
01:09:30
Speaker
and more goodies. We love questions and feedback. You can send us a DM on social media or an email at uncommongoodpod at gmail.com. Thank you so much for listening. Until next time, wishing you every uncommon good to do your uncommon good to be the uncommon good.