Become a Creator today!Start creating today - Share your story with the world!
Start for free
00:00:00
00:00:01
Horse Around the House | Holiday One Shot 2025
31 Plays15 days ago
Never meet your heroes (a retroactive warning to Laura and Alan).
Meet the cast:
Horse Master – Zach Meikle (IG: @zachabee)
Debbie Aura/Mrs. Terwilliger – Prima Zhao (IG: @primbdraws)
Sir Gaylord Falchion Winthrope/Willy "Pop Pop" Diskonson – Shannon Meikle (IG: @sharsharbinks)
Diana Winter/Mrs. Diskonson – Laura Rowed
Mary Columbus/Cindy Diskonson – Alan (IG: @quickineedagame, @weopenwith)
Edited by Zach Meikle
Follow the show:
Instagram: @bard_soup
TikTok: @bard_soup
Website: www.bardsoup.com
Music & Ambience
The following songs are created by Alexander Nakarada (www.creatorchords.com)
Licensed under Creative Commons BY Attribution 4.0 License
https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/4.0/
Christmas Theme (0:47)
String Interlude A (4:12)
String Interlude B (57:56)
Gunslinger (1:07:57)
The Jack Russel Terrier (1:11:58)
Emotional Intro 2 (1:21:23)
The German Shepherd (1:23:51)
Dramatic Interlude (1:25:55)
Additional music and ambience created by Tim Roven (www.tabletopaudio.com)
Yuletide (18:20)
Additional music created by Patrizio Yoga
Patrik Bass - Olistik Sound Project (21:29)
Sound Effects
Christmas Sleigh Bells Jingling by DRAGON-STUDIO from Pixabay
Additional sounds provided by Pixabay
Recommended
Transcript
Introduction to 'Bard Soup Christmas'
00:00:11
Speaker
Come gather round travelers and sit on the stoop We'll tell you a story about bodsoom Relovable scamps in our traveling troop We'll tell you a story about bodsoom
00:00:42
Speaker
It's super time.
Player Introductions and Christmas Expectations
00:00:47
Speaker
Ho ho ho, and welcome back to another Bard Soup Christmas. That's right, it's our favorite time year here at the show where we do something unscripted and unprepared, which is probably how every episode is. I am joined by four lovely players. Maybe we'll use this, maybe we'll introduce you in the moment, but we'll start with some familiar faces and then we'll get procedurally less familiar.
00:01:10
Speaker
What does that mean? Prima, who are you and what are you getting for Christmas this year? hi I'm Prima and I play Debra and Debra plays Mrs. Terwilliger.
00:01:26
Speaker
And for Christmas this year, i don't know, guess it's up to Santa. Love that. Well, speaking of Santa's little buddy, Shannon, who are you?
00:01:39
Speaker
Hi, my name is Shannon and I am playing Gaylord Falcon Winthrop, sir! Gaylord Falcon Winthrop. And he plays Willie Pop Pop Diskinson on Horse Around the House.
00:01:54
Speaker
And for Christmas, you didn't ask me, but for Christmas, I believe I'm getting a food dehydrator. That's lovely. That's awesome. Your food gonna be so dry. I know. That's how I like it.
00:02:06
Speaker
Like kibble, but made of apple slices.
Introduction of Characters and Show Premise
00:02:09
Speaker
And we're coming back to the show for the fourth time, and I'm not going to predict whether or not it's the last, because the future is unknowable, and I dare not stare too hard into it.
00:02:17
Speaker
Laura, right welcome back to the show. So onimous, considering my relationship to this show. This is your last chance. Oh, God. ah I'm Laura. I'm playing, ah God, what is her name? I'm playing Diana Winter.
00:02:33
Speaker
And for Christmas, I'm, i don't know, I'm getting to hang out with a dog, so that'll be nice. Well, that's lovely. And last, but certainly not least, and certainly not last, it's not Jordan. Jordan couldn't be here. ah du Instead, it's a friend of the show, longtime listener, first time caller, but we've called them several times in the past, and they've always answered the phone.
00:02:59
Speaker
And for that, we've always been grateful. Alan, hi. Hi. hi
00:03:08
Speaker
Hi, I'm Alan. I'm going to be playing Mary Columbus, who is playing Cindy Dickinson in Horse Around the House for Christmas. I'm getting to be Santa's little boy. Whatever it was you said earlier. Yeah.
00:03:26
Speaker
Yes, I love that. way better than being Santa's little buddy. Yeah. Yeah. yeah And I'm Zach, the worst host in the business. Welcome back to Bard Soup. Let's dive in. Tomato, tomato, boo. Yeah, the intro is nearly unusable. Okay, but the intro is going to actually be a well-produced sitcom intro song that I write and perform. So, suck it up. It might not be. It might not be. Okay, I look for promises, promises. don't.
00:03:57
Speaker
When you're in doubt, it's horse around the house. Whoa. Thanks. Well, thank you. Space rip. Whoa. Space rip. Horse around the house.
00:04:13
Speaker
Horse around the house ran Friday nights on NBC from September to December 1997. Picked up in pilot season, director Johnston Buckle expected it to be a smash hit.
00:04:23
Speaker
Well, unfortunately it wasn't. Unusually for a family sitcom of its type, the episodes were largely unscripted and an untrained horse was present in almost every shot thanks to misallocated art council funding.
00:04:34
Speaker
Johnston Buckle refused retakes leading to disagreements on set. Episodes were subject to frequent rewrites to accommodate unexpected horse behavior or injured actors. And what you will be listening to tonight is the audio from the final...
00:04:48
Speaker
episode of Horse Around the House.
Debora's 90s Nostalgia
00:04:50
Speaker
It is their first and last Christmas episode, their Christmas special. But before lights, camera, and action are called, we find ourselves on the NBC studio lot.
00:05:04
Speaker
A golf cart is driving across across the lot. There is a 16-year-old John Krasinski. Young man, little gangly, bad haircut. It's the 90s.
00:05:17
Speaker
Can you blame him? And in the back of this golf cart, Prima, could you please describe Debbie Ora? Yeah, Deborah, she's...
00:05:27
Speaker
Like a middle-aged woman with like slightly graying, dark brown hair. She probably just like chain smoking on the back of the golf cart, scrolling on her. Well, there's no phones in the ninety s right?
00:05:42
Speaker
Oh, no scroll phones. But funny you should mention that you do have a gigantic brick of a cell phone. Maybe the first ever. in My pager? Yeah, she's probably like reading a newspaper. What do people do with no for cell phone?
Director's Briefing on Show's Funding
00:06:01
Speaker
Such a good question. Love that. I would say as you flip open the newspaper, you There's a there's a bit of a desperate look in your eye as you flip past the headlines, the front page, Clinton scandal, oil prices are high. That probably happened in the 90s. And you get to the sports section and you start scrolling through the results from the recent dog race.
00:06:21
Speaker
And you can't help but notice that Jason Statham, prized racer, lost or possibly won. It's been a whole year. We don't remember the continuity from last Christmas. Jason Statham, the real Jason Statham, who was the fake Jason Statham from the mirror dimension, lost the race to me, Kimberly Wright Olson, who took on the name Jason Statham so that Jason Statham could still win so that the real Jason Statham from the mirror dimension wouldn't lose his funding.
00:06:46
Speaker
And then I shot him in the head and said, Merry Christmas. No, I shot myself in the head and said, Merry Christmas. Yes. You shot yourself in the head and then said Merry Christmas? It's Christmas. Anything can happen. I bet it all I'm shot in the heart, but it was the head.
00:07:03
Speaker
and as you say that, your pager buzzes and you pull it out and you just see a line of text that says, TikTok, you owe us.
00:07:14
Speaker
The cart pulls up to the the studio doors and your John Krasinski says, ah geez, sir, I'll never be famous like you. So good luck today.
Gaylord Falcon Winthrop's Eccentric Flair
00:07:25
Speaker
I hope one day I get to be on a successful sitcom like Horse Around the House, but probably not.
00:07:30
Speaker
And he drives off with you still on the cart. And then he slams on the brakes and says, ah, shit, I'm not even going to be a good page, probably. Please get off. All right. Keep at it, kid. I i won't. I don't have the chutzpah.
00:07:47
Speaker
And you step out and enter through the studio door. And the second you do, you are ambushed by... a horse? Ninjas. A heavyset man in an ill-fitting suit. His tie is chronically wrinkled. You don't know why. it shouldn't be that hard to iron a tie. He's got just thick, round glasses with yellow glass in the in the frames and it just combed over thinning dark hair. And yeah it is the director, Johnston Buckle. He says, hey, how you doing?
00:08:18
Speaker
Oh, Mr. Buckle, when's that next paycheck going to come through? It hasn't come through yet, huh? ah Yeah, about that. ah Between you and me, if the show doesn't go well, there ain't going to be another paycheck. We are like this far from them pulling the plugs after the horse, ah after after Miss Tuesday, all the way down. ah out After she kicked in that page's head.
00:08:38
Speaker
ah And it ain't been so good around here. So you got put a good show tonight. All right. Yeah, of course. Put me in more scenes, more scenes, more pay. I can't do that. No overtime. You get a flat rate. Day rate. Okay. Well, we'll negotiate later. Nope. Nope. Can't do that either. No negotiations. Can't afford lawyers.
00:08:58
Speaker
Get to your dressing room. We go live in 10. You should have been here three hours ago for heroin wardrobe. Yeah. It was that kid. John's fault. Ah, kid's not going anywhere. Real schmutz. Hate that guy. He'll never work in the office. Which I read the script for the pilot and it seems pretty good.
00:09:17
Speaker
But Nazga's horse around the house. All right, get out of here. My voice is killing me. Okay, I'm getting very mixed signals. And we are going to pull away from Debora, Deborah, if you will.
00:09:31
Speaker
And and we we go over to the craft services table. There is an arrangement of molding cheeses and stale pretzels and an empty bowl of strawberry husks, if you will. That's probably not what the top of a strawberry is called, but that's what they call it in show business out in Hollyweird. And then as we're doing this, you know how last year we were like, oh, Jason Statham, he's Australian. And then you all told me, no, he's British, you idiot. And I felt really dumb.
00:09:56
Speaker
I'm going to just get ahead of this right now. Yeah, NBC's in New York. I don't know if they even have a l LA set. I don't know if they have a studio lot. I think it's all shot in Rockefeller Plaza or whatever. But guess what?
00:10:08
Speaker
It's 1997. And maybe they were there. You don't know. You weren't alive back then, audience member. Anyway, at the craft services table, we see an old man. Shannon.
00:10:20
Speaker
um mr e Mr. Buckle, i I must thank you for providing the requisite strawberry husks. Those are most beneficious to an actor's voice.
00:10:31
Speaker
He comes up and I imagine Willie, sorry, Sir Gaylord, Falchion, Winthrop, I imagine him as a tall man. And yeah Johnston Buckle comes up barely to your waist, but he kind of sidles up next to you and grabs your hand and looks up at you says, no, thank you. You're really saving us a lot of money. i thought we were going to to throw those out or give them to the horse or something, but we don't have a budget for that. So we get to use strawberries twice over.
00:10:59
Speaker
ah Huge. ah My friend, I studied the art of acting in a binkah beneath London. I assure you I have had worse rations in my day. It will not interfere my performance. I have been meaning to ask.
00:11:10
Speaker
The horse missed Tuesday all the way down. Where did she study? Juliet. Juliet. Sorry, sorry, sorry. I said Julie's yard. We got her from Julie's yard.
00:11:26
Speaker
I will find an assistant and have them speak to the reputation of that institution. I'm a Lambda man myself. Right. Yeah, me too. You went to the London Academy of Music and Dramatic Arts?
00:11:40
Speaker
No. No. I misheard you. I'm not even to tell you what I heard.
Chaos with Live Horse and Improvisations
00:11:45
Speaker
Anyway, we're running out time. We're not going to be around much longer. Let's have a good show, huh? yeah It is always a good show if one finds their character.
00:11:56
Speaker
Alright. Goodbye. Sir Gaylord Falcon Winthrop turns to nobody and says, I'm not sure about his credentials. We pan through the the the studio and we we go down a ah hallway and there is just rows of doors with dressing rooms. The doors are pieces of scrap wood and sheet metal that have been propped up. There is a coyote ah skirts down an alley and yeah we the door falls down. on a dressing room and we see a star or perhaps a fading one sitting in front of mirror as an assistant puts on powder and gets her ready for another day in paradise.
00:12:44
Speaker
Laura, would you please tell us about your character? Yeah, I'm playing Diana Winter. She's got like these, she kicked out the hairstylist because they were clearly some kid that they picked up off the street. And while her assistant powders her, she's like curling her own hair and immediately starts batting the assistant's hand away because there's there's powder in my mouth. If you can't do it, don't do it right.
00:13:05
Speaker
but
00:13:08
Speaker
Get me my latte. It's 1997. I don't think we have those yet. Go invent one then. Oh, okay. I'm on it. And Aubrey Plaza runs out of the room.
00:13:21
Speaker
I spend the next like bit making sure that my hair and my makeup are as perfect as they can be. And I give myself a bit of a psych up in the mirror that is like, okay, just one billing. It'll get names higher up on the list.
00:13:32
Speaker
Whoever's an important director at this time period, they'll pick me back up again. Everything will be fine. You don't look a day over 35.
00:13:41
Speaker
Spielberg ain't calling, kid. Hello, Johnston. You're in your twilight years. Can I borrow five B-Ducks? That's I said B-Ducks. Sure, Johnston, you can borrow five Bedox.
00:13:54
Speaker
Perfect. I'm out of fucks to give, unfortunately, but Bedox, I have plenty. All right. All What do you mean, Bedox? You saw the point about moving my name further up the billing list, I assume? Yeah. So no can do it. Talk to the Arts Council.
00:14:11
Speaker
And if Miss Tuesdays All the Way Down isn't above you, we're going to lose the money. Tuesday's a horse. Yeah. Does the horse have lawyers? and There's lawyers involved. Don't don and don't think otherwise. That Paige's family is very litigious.
00:14:27
Speaker
Diana just like smacks her forehead down on the dresser in front of her and goes, I cannot believe I'm working here. yeah You and me both. I thought you'd be in a retirement home by now.
00:14:38
Speaker
that's awful I'm 31. Okay. you say. whatever you say Thank you, Johnston. I'll be on set shortly. Yeah, we we we we go live in five minutes.
00:14:51
Speaker
Now, where's that horse? And the camera punches a hole through your wall. And we zip down the hallway to a makeshift barn. They didn't need to build a barn in the middle of the studio, but they did.
00:15:06
Speaker
And we see inside this barn, there is one final actor who i actually don't know how old. Alan, could you please describe your character?
00:15:18
Speaker
Sure. sure Hiding in a pile of hay, breathing very heavily is Mary Columbus. Mary Columbus is a 20-something actor playing 16.
00:15:31
Speaker
And she's already in all of her set dressings. She's got her fake braces adhered to her teeth. And she's just...
00:15:43
Speaker
Any day now, Miss Tuesday, any day now.
00:15:50
Speaker
And she's just like watching patiently, like as the horse is like walking around the barn. Yeah, I think you maybe like look away. You hear the sound of a camera busting through a wall and you're like, another day in paradise. And when you look back, you just see your field of vision is filled with an eyeball. Just this giant horse eye looking at you and you blink and the horse is standing there. Just these glassy eyes got a little piece of straw that's hanging out of its mouth. Oh, oh, oh, oh.
00:16:20
Speaker
You caught me. It's true. ah just couldn't stay it away. Don't look at me like that. we're We're co-workers now. What are we doing?
00:16:33
Speaker
We can't. what are we doing we can't
00:16:39
Speaker
And then Mr. Buckle walks in, please.
00:16:46
Speaker
Don't make me make out with the horse. It's my first time on the show. The horse starts leaning in. And just as the barn door kicks open, the horse immediately rears back ah up on his back legs. And we were going to add a dice, a die rather, to the to the stack.
00:17:02
Speaker
We were at five die on the stack. And let me tell you folks at home, you can't see it. Neither can my players, but it's a wobbling. He says, hey, what did tell you about kissing the horse? Knock it off.
00:17:13
Speaker
I wasn't. did They were. We already have one legal issue with the horse. We don't need a second one. You got to chill out.
First Scene and Comedic HOA Bylaws
00:17:22
Speaker
I am so chill.
00:17:24
Speaker
So chill. I'll get this set, Mr. Buckle. Thank you for the opportunity. All right. He looks at the horse and says, looking good, Miss Tuesday. And the horse immediately backs up with just like wide spooked eyes. we're going to add another die to the stack.
00:17:39
Speaker
oh no Because he complimented it. Compliments can be very alarming. Anyone who makes eye contact with or directly references the horse as a dive. And we are going to screen wipe to the four of you standing backstage.
00:17:55
Speaker
You are seconds away from going on. And Johnston Buckle stands in front of the four of you and says, All right, you know the deal. It's our big Christmas episode. It's a great script we got tonight. Well, we didn't really write a script, but I've got an idea.
00:18:09
Speaker
And roughly speaking, okay, pay attention. Pay attention, right? Okay. So... Diana. Angela is freaking out because the neighbors across the street have a gaudy Christmas light display and it goes against the HOA bylaws.
00:18:24
Speaker
But we can't afford lights for the entire street. We can only afford one facade of a house with lights. So it's just the one house. You're upset about that. Mrs. Terwilliger.
00:18:36
Speaker
You still think that Miss Tuesday and the horse is standing next to you, by the way. Miss Tuesday's all the way down is a visiting niece who doesn't speak English. That's why she's wearing the wig.
00:18:47
Speaker
And you look over and the horse is wearing a wig. Because of course, of course, of course, as we all know, Diana, it wouldn't make sense for the HOA president to have a horse openly living in her house. That's clearly against the HOA guidelines as well. So we all know that's where the comedy comes from. That's what it makes it...
00:19:05
Speaker
So funny. All right. Where else are we at? ah Pop up pop pop pop. What are we doing with you tonight? ah What's your deal? What's your deal? what are you doing today? what's Give me something. Give me something right now. Right now. Right now. He pulls out a gun. Give me something right now. And we're going to die to the horse as the horse starts to freak out. yeah kidding I think you should ah maybe explain at some point the mechanic to the listener. If you want to look at yourself.
00:19:32
Speaker
Well, I think perhaps and some tragedy has just befallen me and I so struggle with upon my mortality, my moral culpability and my position as a man in the household. and i believe I can deliver a soliloquy up there on the stairs or perhaps there by the window. cocks the gun.
00:19:53
Speaker
Yes, that will be useful. Leave that on the table.
00:19:57
Speaker
He puts the gun on the table. Excellent. Yes, my character will certainly be dealing with that. What darkness lurks in Pop Pop's heart. ah We shall see.
00:20:11
Speaker
All right. I don't know if you really told me what your character's doing, but that's fine. Soliloquy, got it. ah Cindy, you're still in love with the Terwilliger boy, ah but guess what?
00:20:23
Speaker
War's on the horizon and he's thinking of signing up. All right. Terwilliger, sons joining the army. You're really suspicious about niece Nettie, who's been staying for a while. It's a little weird. She she hasn't said anything you. You think she's she's been here for like six months. You think she learned at least a few English words by now, but she hasn't.
00:20:43
Speaker
And i I guess that's it, really. And I... Doug Cuzzler, the mailman, he's around so we can we can have some we can have some scenes with him delivering Christmas letters to Santa or some bullshit. Who cares? Maybe Santa's real. Maybe he's not. We'll figure it out by the end of the episode and we'll fix it in post or whatever. Anyway, I'm going be sick.
Subplots and Absurd Sitcom Antics
00:21:03
Speaker
So i places, people, we got a show to put on tonight. i Let's make these people happy. And you look out into the audience and there's four people.
00:21:13
Speaker
Just an empty, empty audience section. All right, let's do it. Gracias, everybody. We have a performance to execute. You have me for four more hours. ho get it. And you hear the this the house band starts to kick up and oh, we hear a song. It's the theme song for Horse Around the House. There's something like, what's that over there out on the street? It's a great big mayor. It's a horse in the around the house. said die It's a horse around the house. that death It's not a steed. It's not Steve. It's Miss Tuesday all the way around the house. That's not the horse's name. What's the horse's name? Miss Tuesday all around the way down.
00:21:51
Speaker
all right tuesdays all or so now the has all right we got to guest start tonight baby that's not
00:22:07
Speaker
that's lovely the star i mean no i tackle horse around the house is film in front of my live studio audience Lights go on and we see, i' i know the rules of the game because I read them 10 minutes ago to you.
00:22:25
Speaker
i'm going to take i'm goingnna I'm going to take the first one and we can go from there. Angela Diskinson, we we see you perched in front of the the front window of your house on 323 Cherry Tree lane in columbus ohio And you can see just bright colored lights shining through your window.
00:22:48
Speaker
And the four audience members just go. ha I take a long, dramatic sip of my hot chocolate, which is obviously just an empty cup. William.
00:23:00
Speaker
William. Yes, dear? What's that, dear? Look. And I point out the window. Oh, well, how about that? The Johnstons put up their Christmas lights. I specifically put individual folders in every mailbox three days ago, saying the color scheme this year was soft gold and bright silver.
00:23:23
Speaker
Why am I looking at a rainbow? Gaylord, you hear Buxton, Johnston, Buxton's voice in your earpiece. Did you say the neighbor's name? Did you say the neighbor's name? Yes, I did, Mr. Buckle. And also my name is Gaylord.
00:23:37
Speaker
And also it is Sir. Mr. Gaylord. What? Did you say Johnson's? Johnson's? Is that not the continuity? No, no, no. New family moved in. It's the Bernardis.
00:23:48
Speaker
My character is a buffoon buckle. The people will not notice. Stop talking to me. Stop talking to me. He spikes the lens. Stop looking at me. Stop looking me.
00:23:59
Speaker
i would like to welcome. What did you say the name was? The Bernardis. The Bernardis. You haven't had chance to meet them yet. would to welcome the Bernardis to the neighborhood. And then he he looks to the studio audience and says, ladies and gentlemen, and the Bernardis. And like does a polite studio clap. Yeah, you hear the studio. It's like the lights that say, please clap, light up. And the Bernardis do not come out.
00:24:22
Speaker
But the horse does. yeah Well, Neesnetti, won't you come over here and look at the lights? Angela says they're not the right color, but they look just about right to me.
00:24:34
Speaker
There, blue and green. What part of blue and green is gold? Why, you love blue and green. I mean, you certainly like sapphires and emeralds. My wallet ought to know. Thank you, William. Go back to your chair, please. And I step away and I whip out my my my brick phone and I call up my personal assistant immediately.
00:24:58
Speaker
Terrilager, you hear the phone ring outside the door. And then a loud knocking. at the sound of the knocking, the horse rears up and we're adding a die to the stack.
00:25:10
Speaker
ah While talking on the phone, I go over and open the door. You see Mrs. Terwilliger there on the phone. Angie, did you see the new family's lights? Of course I saw the new family's lights. How couldn't you see the new family's lights? It's an eyesore.
00:25:23
Speaker
Preposterous. We need plan. We need a plan. We need to to shut off the power grid. ah ah Let's get some ADR. ah Debbie.
00:25:35
Speaker
Debbie, we need a line read for that. Let's...
Live Horse Causes Set Mishap
00:25:38
Speaker
egg the house. let's let's get Let's get another round of ADR. Where the hell? Mary, i swear to God, if you're in that barn again, the horse isn't even there. Mary comes like strobing down the stairs and she's like, is that Mrs. Terwilliger? Terwilliger?
00:25:53
Speaker
Yes, dear. It's Mrs. Terwilliger. Terwilliger? Terwilliger? I always read it as Terwilliger. Yes, she's here. um this is tobolaga Mr. Wilger, it's so good to see you. and how's your son?
00:26:10
Speaker
Oh, that stupid boy. the recruiters came by again last night. i'm so worried about him. I thought he would at least finish college. Oh, this is going to be a horrible Christmas.
00:26:22
Speaker
I mean, if he keeps doing his exercises in his bedroom, it's going to be a very good Christmas. I pass over a handkerchief. You're drooling, dear. thanks mom Oy vey.
00:26:35
Speaker
Christmas isn't the only thing that came early this year. Cindy, do you have friends who, I don't know, like eggs? Yes. Eggs are a very important balanced part of a breakfast. Could you round them and their eggs up, say, like in the next two hours?
00:26:54
Speaker
Yes. I might need a little help. I don't know if my cousin could help me. Sure, she's got many... She's got a good set of hands.
00:27:05
Speaker
Oh, your knees? She's very foreign. Where's she from again? oh you know, Holland. um Take Nettie and gather your friends and um go give some eggs to the neighbors. But like, ah you know, full force. Don't bother knocking on the door, you know?
00:27:23
Speaker
oh Jump on the horse. Jump on the need you to jump on the horse. Uh...
00:27:29
Speaker
she jumps on the horse she's like let's go nanny uh exit stage right try to like lead the horse the horse has no saddle right it's just nope okay so she's just kind of like she probably can't even get up on it she's like kind of like up hugging it we are adding two dice for touching the horse you and it is i'm gonna tell you one more die it is gonna topple it is 100% gonna topple So crazy that you can say, you touched the horse, and then a second later be like, you touched the horse, sorry, we're punishing you for touching the horse. Vindictive. Hey, we got problems taking up with Grant Howitt, not me.
00:28:06
Speaker
So yeah, Mary's trying to lead the horse out like the side door that goes to like the outside. I think you hear Johnston say, and cut. All right, great, great, great, great. And we're moving on, we're moving on. We're gonna, we're gonna, we're gonna follow Cindy outside.
00:28:21
Speaker
Cindy, where are we going? Um, uh, well, I don't think Cindy has any friends, so they'll probably go to like the local department or local like gas station to just buy gas station eggs.
00:28:36
Speaker
Gas station eggs. Okay. Okay. Okay. Ah, shit. We did not build a gas station set. Do you think we can get away with like ah a table and a jerry can? Yeah. Yeah. Somebody who's like selling eggs on the road. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. yeah Okay. Perfect. Perfect. Perfect.
00:28:50
Speaker
Uh, All right. ah Shit, we don't have enough extras. Vinny, Vinny, I know you're slated to play Mr. Bernardi, but you also have to be the gas station attendant. ah You got it, boss.
00:29:01
Speaker
And the lights the lights come back on and there is a wooden picnic table that is actively rusting and falling apart. There is a red jerry can on it and a couple of just rolling eggs, just free rolling eggs. And we watch as Miss Tuesdays all the way down.
00:29:20
Speaker
clops up next to the table cindy's walking next to the horse and she's like and once he gets to 11 push-ups you can really start to see the sweat glistening off of him uh hello there i would like to purchase a hefty amount of your eggs please i got i got eggs for i got i got two eggs we don't you don't have any more than two We only have two eggs. You're fucking me. We don't have any eggs.
00:29:54
Speaker
Two is exactly the number we needed. oh well, then in that case, have I got the eggs for you. And let me tell you what, little girl, they are they magic eggs. If you plant these in the ground, they'll grow an egg tree. What the fuck are you doing? Vinny, knock that off. Knock that off, Vinny. No, they're magic eggs. They'll grow a big egg tree. You'll eggs for rest of your Christmases.
00:30:15
Speaker
What's your favorite egg dish, little girl? Okay, so I'll just take those from you, stranger. And thank you so much. We will... We're all right. Goodbye.
00:30:27
Speaker
Okay. Goodbye. is that it? Is that i'm a good? Am I, can go backstage? I'm supposed to be in a suit, I think. And you see as a couple of PAs in like black pants and tight black shirts, push the facade of a house out onto the stage and then like quickly run in and grab the table and like, Oh,
00:30:47
Speaker
drag it out of the way oh i don't know netty do you think that like brett likes bad girls because like i mean yeah he's going into the military he's probably like really straight edge i mean like i want to do the good s thing for my mom but like what's the right thing for me yeah yeah maybe that's part of growing up it's
00:31:17
Speaker
no
00:31:19
Speaker
It's learning
00:31:26
Speaker
It's learning with through you And as you say this a plastic bag rolls onto the set and the horse immediately goes had to And we were gonna have three dice to the stack Jesus All ah right. First collapse of the night. I'm seeing a lot of fives, which I think is bad.
00:31:52
Speaker
i think I couldn't tell. Like you have to match the die. Is that how it works? Yes, I believe it's the. Well, let's let's read the rules. It is. Our listeners have no idea. we have some idea. The audience has none. Yeah.
00:32:04
Speaker
You need to put a camera on the dice because I thought about this, but my phone is at 30% and will not survive. Oh God, are you going to die? Let me record some dice falling noise for you. I think that's important.
00:32:15
Speaker
When this happens, check all the dice that have fallen off. Look for the highest matching set of results. Reset the stack to four and continue. The more dice that match, the more injured the cast are as a result. Choose the actor closest to the horse. Well, we know who that is. And share out dice between actors if you're feeling kind. Injuries are cumulative. All right. So five to six is critical damage.
00:32:37
Speaker
What are we looking at there? Crucial prop damage supporting actor killed horse injured. How many fives you got there, Zach? Three.
00:32:48
Speaker
Oh, no. Well, thanks for hanging out, Alan. Yeah. yeah i mean I've got a way to play it off, but it's going to be rough.
00:33:01
Speaker
So if I'm not mistaken, this is three matching dice. We're going to be a little kind on some of the elements. Three matching fives, which means the horse rears up as this plastic bag rolls onto to set. It's like ah like just like a trash bag that flew loose. And the horse rears up and you go tumbling off and just like smack your head on the picnic table as it's being dragged away. And you are immediately severely concussed.
00:33:27
Speaker
the horse continues freaking out and you watch as a PA runs onto to set, trying to grab that plastic bag and just is crushed. but Do I drop the eggs?
00:33:40
Speaker
yeah ah Good question. No, no. You, you, you are dedicated. You hold a onto to these eggs instead of trying to grab onto something. And at the price of a future CTE, you preserve these eggs.
00:33:56
Speaker
Oh, God. Okay, it's okay. No, Nessie, you're right, you're right. This isn't me. She throws the X to either side of her. It's like laying on the ground with this head wound.
00:34:12
Speaker
is there Can we cut? Can we cut to... go Can we change scenes or something?
00:34:18
Speaker
Vinny, get in there. Vinny, get in there. And you see the guy who was just playing the gas station attendant kicks open the door of the facade house with all the lights on it, all the sparkling Christmas lights. And he is like half dressed. He's like buttoning up his pants. He's wearing like an undershirt. He's like got an unbuttoned shirt. He's like clearly in the middle of this wardrobe change.
00:34:34
Speaker
And he says, what are you doing in the street? What are you doing? You're throwing the eggs and the the the horse. Yeah. And the horse is going to keep thrashing and just like kicks the house over. and I am standing behind the frame of the house.
00:34:50
Speaker
yeah It falls and like just like that, you were standing in the outline of the doorframe. Yeah, like I was like touching up my lipstick. i ah Oh, is that?
00:35:02
Speaker
Cut, cut, cut.
00:35:05
Speaker
All right, guys, this is going really well. This is going really well. All right, so I think the house has been egged and Mr. Bernardi's mad about it. And Mrs. Terwilliger,
00:35:21
Speaker
Uh, what's happening? Where are we? ah Mrs. Terwilliger can donate some eggs to the cause. She recently bought out the whole stock from a vendor to help feed her son's protein quota. Beautiful. It's beautiful. And we we got we got we got Jimmy Jerome on set today. So we've got your son.
00:35:45
Speaker
but Where are we?
00:35:50
Speaker
I guess in Terwilliger's kitchen? All right, yeah, you went back to your kitchen after that scene. That's perfect. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Love it. Okay. And ah the lights go up and a shodily put together kitchen is there. There is a counter. It's kind of like leaning to the left side. you know It's kind of like heavily weighed to the left hand side.
Bizarre Antics and 90s Culture
00:36:08
Speaker
And you are there and a 37 year old man with just like stubble and like slightly thinning hair, like got a cigarette and he quickly stamps it out on the floor.
00:36:18
Speaker
and And action! Oh, my son, my beautiful son, please reconsider your decision to join the military. Mom, I love this country. But why don't you settle down first? Find a nice, nice girl.
00:36:33
Speaker
You don't want to leave her. Mom, the only woman I love is the Statue of Liberty.
00:36:42
Speaker
but And that includes you, Mom. oh but what You hurt me. How could you do this to your poor mother?
00:36:53
Speaker
Because, Mom, there's a lot of enemies out there, and I have to stop them. That's good, that's good. Yeah, we got that sponsorship coming in from the from the armed forces. Push this, push this. And we have to stand up for our American values, Mom. That's all right, let's take it easy, let's take it easy. Not so, not so hard. I love America! All right, take it easy. ah Mom?
00:37:11
Speaker
i Mom? Mom, I love... Mom?
00:37:16
Speaker
Alright, we'll talk about this later. i don't want to ruin our holidays by arguing. Yeah. Why don't you start with something small? ah Help with with our our our new neighbors. They put up some god-awful lights.
00:37:30
Speaker
Here, why don't you take these eggs down to Cindy and Nettie and help them show our new neighbors how it works around here Mom, I don't know about you, but there's something weird about that Nettie girl. She's like, ah it's a little weird if you look her in the eye, if you know what I mean.
00:37:49
Speaker
Weird? Oh, that's, do you feel the urge to pull her pigtails? Is this another way to say you're interested? i mean, i think I would prefer you go for for someone nicer, like Cindy.
00:38:03
Speaker
Nah, Mom. I'm only in love with one woman, as we've established, but if it were to be a second... It might be that freak Nettie.
00:38:13
Speaker
Okay, we can work with this. All right, mom, I found this gun. Do you want me to use it on the neighbors? Well, let's see how the eggs go first. Use the eggs first.
00:38:25
Speaker
All right, you got it, mom. The horse is going to walk up to the window and just like stick its head in through the the backdrop of these this kitchen set and just like stare at you.
00:38:36
Speaker
Oh, Nettie. You're here to pick up the eggs? Where's Cindy?
00:38:45
Speaker
Here, why ah um come come meet my son. Cindy, say something. The audience needs to know you're okay. They're going to freak out if they think you died. I'm i'm good, Mr. Turtle Turtle.
00:38:57
Speaker
oh It's Turtle Finger. Turtle Finger. Just down here, resting my head. Oh, Here, Brett, you go go and help help these ladies out. Take these eggs with you.
00:39:10
Speaker
Okay, Mom. Whatever you say. We're going to go fuck them up. the The neighbors that... I'm not allowed to curse on D. and We need ADR. We need ADR. He can't curse. This is a family show.
00:39:23
Speaker
Send D. Give us a lie. Call ADR on yourself.
00:39:29
Speaker
ah You got it. I'll do that thing you asked me to do, Mom. that's That's good. That's good. Yeah, that's good stuff.
00:39:39
Speaker
and all right. we we might we' put We might pull an Eddie Murphy next season. Can I have you play all the characters? ah Mary, you're here a star. I wish you'd listen to me all the time. Don't let Diana i get you down.
00:39:52
Speaker
Yeah, I wish listened to you all the time too, Mom, except for in matters of love and military strategy. All right. And he's going to reach into his jacket and pull out an American flag and start waving it. And the horse just like bucks his head up at the side of a flag. And we're going to add three dice. Two dice. It says American flag is three dice.
00:40:13
Speaker
Three dice. Exactly. There's an established rule, isn't there, for any time anyone mentions the horse? yeah Yeah, which I don't think we were supposed to make it a character, and we really screwed ourselves. I think it's supposed to just be there. Yeah, i was really thinking, how come this horse is around the house? Yeah. got to be a reason. And I think maybe there wasn't supposed to be. I think you're right.
00:40:35
Speaker
But that's your problem. You with your severe concussion. And all right. We need a B plot. We need a B plot for this episode. We got our A plot. It's the HOA, the lights, the neighbors, the eggs, yada, yada, yada. ah gay gay Gay low. We need B plot. We need be plot bad We need be plot bad. we what What are we doing It's it it's your scene. Go Sir, Gaylord. Gaylord has been sitting in the dark with like a single spotlight on him at the kitchen table with his hands templed, looking at the gun.
00:41:08
Speaker
And slowly with a trembling hand reaches across the table and looks at the gun with a significant look and then hides it in his jacket.
00:41:18
Speaker
And he spikes the lens and he says, it's the holidays. and him and the And then he he flourishes his newspaper and says, dear, now remind me, what are we getting netty for Christmas this year?
00:41:31
Speaker
ah You know, she asked for a pony. but well We got ADR down. Our council's not getting with the second horse. Galo, Galo.
00:41:42
Speaker
ADR is like we do the improv where they we take the thing they just said and then like swap it out with something else that we like. Yes. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. I am going to say, I'm going to say, well, she asked for a small horse.
00:41:55
Speaker
No, no, no. Mary, Mary. She wanted but a big stuffed animal. okay Okay, we can deal with that. We can get that from my a store that's opened in 1997 that probably doesn't exist now. A mom's paw shop that used to be prevalent in our fine country.
00:42:15
Speaker
well She asked for a big stuffed animal, but I don't like the aesthetic. So I got her just like a mug.
00:42:28
Speaker
but Just like, you know, like simple, like plain, just just black mug. Oh, come on now, darling. And Felton like puts his arm half around his fake wife, like sitcom dad style and says, Nettie's been through a lot this year.
00:42:42
Speaker
New school, new friends, that thing with the coyote. Don't you think she deserves something? i asked not to grasp you times not to mention the I stand there rock solid and like gently lift your arm up from my shoulder and like tuck it down by your side and go, right.
00:43:04
Speaker
do you do you have the budget to buy Nettie something nice and her size? Well, dear, I've been waiting for the right moment to tell you, but you remember my Uncle Lester.
00:43:17
Speaker
Sorry, I thought Uncle Lester was written out after that scandal. My Uncle Lester! And he spikes the camera again. He says, was killed. Ding dong!
00:43:28
Speaker
Who could that be? opened the door. I'll get it. oh yeah And you see sweeping into the room, Kramer style, a man in a mailman's uniform and its it's fan favorite character, Doug Kuzler. And he says, well, howdy, y'all. It's almost Christmas.
00:43:49
Speaker
And I'm here to deliver some letters.
00:43:55
Speaker
Echoes through the hall. You hear the horse, like, scream at the sound of the doorbell. We're just back in the house.
00:44:05
Speaker
Yeah, Doug, let's go talk over here where my niece Nettie can't hear or injure us. Well, sure. Nettie's never been a problem before. She's just a sweet girl who needs a little encouragement to come out of her show a little bit. She never says a word. Yeah, she's um but got a lot of energy these days. We were talking... She's squirreled.
00:44:26
Speaker
Yes, like that horse movie DreamWorks is making. Don't talk about DreamWorks. Don't talk about DreamWorks.
00:44:33
Speaker
So, you would you sorry, you were making a pitch, darling? Oh, don't call me darling. I just deliver the mail. At least not while your husband's home. but oh Doug, you dog.
00:44:44
Speaker
And I thought a horse was the biggest end of our problems. oh ah What are you talking about a horse? Now what's this about a pitch, darling? I thought you had one.
00:44:57
Speaker
Johnston? what What are we doing? Am i anything?
00:45:06
Speaker
No? Okay. Fine. Oh, sorry. I thought you were talking to Gaylord. No. Listen, he said your name. I thought the husband's name was Johnston for a second. That's my bad.
00:45:19
Speaker
You know, how about eggs for Christmas? It's gonna be an egg shortage. We don't have enough thankss with this this miracle we found 12 more at the neighbor's place. The doorbell ring? We could get her a horse. The doorbell run.
00:45:32
Speaker
i go open the door. it was me. It was me. no i just rang the doorbell. I'll get it. yeah i'll get it yeah and the mailman opens the door and says, well, hello, I've got a delivery for you. What a twist. Oh, the mailman getting mail from the home. What a twist. time It's possible in Columbus Springs, Ohio. Cindy and Brett are standing in the doorway with two dozen eggs.
00:46:05
Speaker
Oh, hi, Mr. Kuzler.
00:46:08
Speaker
hello. Tara Williger boy. Let's not talk anymore. but seems imprudent. So we, ah sorry to interrupt. I know you guys like your private time, but we have the eggs. Oh, we don't mind. Uh-huh.
00:46:25
Speaker
Great. Thanks ah for the eggs. Cindy, I see you got a new scarf and hat and covered up all of your facial extremities for reason in particular. God, that color just looks great on you, darling. It's always been in our family. Not you, Doug. It's it's a very fetching balaclava. Thank you.
00:46:45
Speaker
um Do you want to sit down, would love to sit down, Dad. Okay. um I will escort you to a chair.
00:47:00
Speaker
thinging dong.
00:47:03
Speaker
Nobody you get answered. You can get it. No, no. Oh, not over there. The horse's eyes bulge out of its head as you open the door. And the dice are falling. Oh, no, no.
00:47:18
Speaker
That's a lot of fours. That is four fours, which means... Someone dies. Well, first off, four fours, huh? Interesting. All right, well, we're going to call that a...
00:47:31
Speaker
the door you don't open the door the horse the horse opens the door and just crushes you under it just shattering your leg i'll get it oh my god yeah you hear your leg snap and the door is just blown off the wall and uh miss tuesday's all the way down is standing there Can I roll a dice for the first and only time in this game to determine whether the gun that I have stashed behind my jacket goes off when I fall directly on it? Sure.
00:48:02
Speaker
Go for it. Thank you. um I rolled a 16, but I assume I'm adding my gun in pants proficiency, so that's a 27. That means
00:48:13
Speaker
that means it does go off? You hear a click and it is an empty chamber. Okay. oh But the barrel spins. Keep it going. Keep it going. So anyway, I just wanted to deliver. I was texting before, but here I am now. I just wanted to deliver some mail. ah Here you go. Here's your Christmas letters and I'll be gone. It's almost Christmas. By the way, it's customary to give a tip on the holidays. And he looks at you, Gaylord.
00:48:38
Speaker
You son of a bitch, I broke my hip!
00:48:42
Speaker
My hip! No! And Gaylord is like standing up and his ass is smoking because of the gun. He's like, the show must go on!
00:48:54
Speaker
I said, get on him Doug, You have a Merry Christmas. Well, geez, thank you, sir. i hope you have a wonderful day, too. Tell them my house. Okay.
00:49:07
Speaker
I just have to go deliver some letters to the Bernardis and then I'll be off to see with the wife and Mrs. I have a gift for the Bernardis and I just pass him an egg. Okay. And he walks out the door. God, God, that's just good stuff.
00:49:22
Speaker
You guys are doing great. Do we have like first aid on hand? Cause he may be old, but he looks like he has money. And you said you don't have lawyers.
00:49:33
Speaker
I never thought of the possibility of suing. That's most interesting. Good luck. You'll get nothing from these cold, dry, clammy, wet, filthy, clean, money, risk-free hands.
00:49:46
Speaker
I bet I can get at least glue from the horse Okay, okay, uh, Brett Uh, Brett, in the military You learn how to do, uh The things with the woods On either side of the lake Uh, why don't you practice on my mom?
00:50:01
Speaker
Gestures to Gaylord. What? so Yeah, that shouldn't be a problem for me. He'll take like two pieces of the door and just like break it over his knee and ah wrap through ah a makeshift splint around Gaylord's leg. Listen to me. It's very important, son. Listen to me.
00:50:19
Speaker
but what's what's What's that, Mr. Diskinson? Do you have... Munitions. Why, sure, up at Fort Smith, there's plenty of munitions.
00:50:29
Speaker
If I sign on, they'll give me a whole crate for free. Get them. Get them now. And Felshin, like, signals the camera to pan real close, and he dramatically looks at Angela, and he says, Why is he mad at them, Bernardis?
00:50:44
Speaker
I don't know. He looks at Angela and goes, Let's give those damn Bernardis more than eggs for Christmas, darling. Sons of bitches broke my hip. All right, you can't, you gotta stop cussing. It's, it's, it's, this is, this plays at 7 p.m.
00:50:59
Speaker
I'm gonna need ADR from, uh, from, from, from, uh, clockwise. Mary. Nope, not Mary. Diana. ah don't fucking know.
00:51:11
Speaker
and what Can we call in the government? That's great. Yeah, no, I think that line flows really naturally together.
Climactic Confrontation and Horse's Behavior
00:51:19
Speaker
That's good. That's good. Thank you. We've got Brett here.
00:51:22
Speaker
We do like a quick a quick screen pan, but it's still the same scene, but like people have kind of reset within the house. And Mrs. Terwilliger, you are going to enter. And you ah you you just saw you just saw your son driving driving up to Fort Smith.
00:51:37
Speaker
It's happening. It's done. He's leaving. He's going to get deployed and I'll never see my son again.
00:51:47
Speaker
so grim it's okay mrs twilger like if you ever want us i have plenty of pictures of him that i can share we can watch them together you're such a sweet girl i wish my son would have found someone and settled down with someone like you how far away is the fort again any distance is too far where is it yeah That's good. We keep it ambiguous so that we don't have to worry about continuity later on in the in the in the in the spring run that we're going to have.
00:52:20
Speaker
Damn the U.S. military.
00:52:24
Speaker
That's right. I remembered that I wanted to kill Doug and not the Bernardis. That makes more sense. But my hip hurts so bad, man. I think I'm going to die.
00:52:37
Speaker
Was that your B-plot? Yeah, it was.
00:52:41
Speaker
Who knew? Well, I was going to get my niece a horse for Christmas, but now i think I need to kill Doug. You did this. Hey, hey, hey, Gaylord, do you want some morphine?
00:52:52
Speaker
No. I do. Yeah, got me too, but we're fresh out, I'm afraid. Then why did you offer? I wasn't offering, I was asking. It's different. Ah, Terwilliger, I'm very sorry that your son is leaving, but you know, your son is fighting to protect our nation. And so am I in a way against this plague of multicolored Christmas lights. And it's, you will be helping your son achieve his goals and come home sooner if we can, you know, um sort of focus um on the task at hand. So let's dry, dry those, dry those tears.
00:53:25
Speaker
Let's get back together. Do it. And I like take a little bit of like fake tear water and just like squirt it actively in your eye and then immediately dry it out with both of my thumbs. Okay. You always know what to say to cheer me up, Angela.
00:53:40
Speaker
I'm very, very soothing. Mm-t. Do you think... Okay, so the eggs kind of worked, kind of didn't work. I'm thinking we can sort of send in a sleeper agent this time.
00:53:53
Speaker
And they know me, but they don't really know you. So maybe we could, i don't know, borrow a wig that we... that um I know my my niece likes wigs. We can get a wig. We can, you know, send you in there. Imagine the horse. ah We can send you in there and you can like maybe like just cut their power cords. Good old pair scissors.
00:54:13
Speaker
It's like a special ops mission. You'll be bonding with your son. Oh. All right. I'll give it a try. We are going to cut okay outside to Mrs. Terwilliger. think actually good at making a sitcom. Laura, that was compelling.
00:54:29
Speaker
that thing with a horse and being true to yourself? Man. I'd watch this. Mrs. Terwilliger, you are wearing ill-fitting blonde wig and you have a pair of safety scissors that they found backstage and you are creeping up to the now propped back up facade of the Bernardi house. I'm holding one side of it and sipping my latte with the other.
00:54:51
Speaker
He's just like pulling you in camera. Mrs. Terwilliger will like sneak across holding the scissors like this and like Pink Panther plays.
00:55:04
Speaker
No, no, we can't afford that. Jimmy, kill the band. Kill the band. We can't do that. and Oh, come on. You creep up to the house and there is a loose power cable running out from behind it.
00:55:15
Speaker
Running through the asbestos fake snow.
00:55:19
Speaker
Aha, i've found it. Snip. No, that wasn't a prop cord. That was a real cord. That was real cord. That was real cord. It sticks out the power in the studio, cuts temporarily, and everything goes dark.
00:55:36
Speaker
And Johnston comes out and says, all right, everybody, we're just go we're going to take five, get the power back on. He sees an audience member get up to leave. No, don't you leave. You stay there. Stay there. Hey, stay there. All right, everyone. Take five. Take five. Take five. Take five. Take five.
00:55:51
Speaker
him yet When the power comes back on, like Cindy's like making out with the horse. but ah hu I was so scared.
00:56:07
Speaker
My hip is so broken. But that was that was more painful. Well done getting to the heart of human emotions, Cindy. it You're welcome.
00:56:18
Speaker
Deborah, you go to like pick up a stapler and it just like sticks to your hand. Okay. Slides across the table and just like... Oh, is this... Did she become magnetized? What the fuck?
00:56:34
Speaker
Oh, my fingers, they're so tingly. Is this a workplace injury? i wonder what you can get for this. the light Yeah, the lights come back on. I'm going to say the horse. ah We had to die for the make out.
00:56:48
Speaker
And just one. Yeah. Very sensual. kind of like sensual like All right. Who's up next? We need a we need we need somebody.
00:57:01
Speaker
Somebody. Somebody. Somebody. oh I thought you'd tell us. Do you want a plot pitch? zo Somebody. Somebody. So um ah the way that the the the one that we haven't done in the script yet is... Mrs. True Williger is over while I'm getting her tea and like last Christmas we did that I hated the boxed baked goods but I made a boxed baked good and we were id like was hiding the boxed baked good in the kitchen while she's like trying to make me my tea so uh yeah because go for that one. Yeah go for it it's thing.
00:57:35
Speaker
why don't you get mrs truewila ger tell Why don't you tell Mrs. the story of your war injury while I just tidy up the kitchen? I'd have her face that way.
00:57:48
Speaker
Yes, my war... Mrs. Terwilliger, won't you come over here? And no, don't sit on the couch. It hurts so bad when it moves. No, stand, please. Mrs. Terwilliger, have I ever told you about...
00:58:00
Speaker
the time I was inn well we called it the battle of the horses we were on horseback of course and um well I fell for some reason horses are on the mine I fell was trampled by a horse and Cindy you I've told you this story many times why you got something for me ah Yeah, so ah dad grandpa was in the war and and they trampled him with the horses, but he led the charge after on barefoot and won it for the Confederacy.
00:58:46
Speaker
There's a clatter and a puff of of flour in the kitchen.
00:58:52
Speaker
Everything's fine. I don't need help. but Ha ha. Everything is fine. Stay out there. been Right. The war. And I forgot about the bear and the feet. Well said, Cindy. Did someone say bear feet?
00:59:04
Speaker
No one said bear feet. That's an extra, like, at least $100 an hour. All right. going to vote? Oh, is it? ah Mrs. Terilgar takes off her shoes. Oh, shit.
00:59:19
Speaker
As you do, the studio lights above you start to sway.
00:59:25
Speaker
I'm sure that's nothing. up Mrs. Tewilliger, I tell you this because these are the kind of glories that your son can expect as as part of the army. Oh, you're you're such an outstanding role model of a man. i just I wish Brett had more of a male influence in his life growing up.
00:59:46
Speaker
Such a shame that his father's not in the picture anymore. Maybe if if I hadn't raised him this way, he wouldn't have left me to go to the military. oh no, no. Okay, well, all right, fine. That's fine. That's fine. We're not going to get that armed forces money, but ding donng I'll get it.
01:00:05
Speaker
I cannot possibly get it. He will kill me. Mr. Willinger, you're not allowed to move. Stay right there. Cindy opens the door and you see on the doorstep, it's the head of Doug Cuzzler.
01:00:23
Speaker
okay the Merry Christmas indeed. He's got an egg stuffed in his mouth.
01:00:33
Speaker
What? What? but angela ah You won't be needing to make any cookies for Doug, but maybe make a few extra for his widow.
01:00:45
Speaker
You didn't tell me this was... Okay, sorry. I um i played a scream queen when I first started. um Give me a second. um And I just take like find the nearest liquid, gargle it really quickly, and then ah scream as loud as I can.
01:00:58
Speaker
Not particularly convincingly. ah Exactly. Thank you for my ADR. There's been a murder. but Husband, tell me I'm fainting. And I cube of keel full backwards. As you hit the ground, there's a thud and the horse screams.
01:01:16
Speaker
The horse screams? The horse is better than me. The horse spikes the camera and screams. That's hooves. It's hooves to the cheek. Macaulay Culkin's the camera.
01:01:32
Speaker
Was this planned? Like, does this look like actually Doug's head or is this like a prop Doug's head? Let me ask question. Wow, I didn't know our special effects in makeup was so... How badly does Mary want to see behind the curtain on this one?
01:01:48
Speaker
ah Like, Mary isn't expecting it. Mary's scream is very real and then sees everyone else react like in character. So she's like, oh my gosh, no Who's gonna deliver the mail now?
01:02:01
Speaker
She grabs the hair and like lifts the head up and it's like dripping gore from the neck. Oh, that's very good. That's very good. That's very good.
01:02:12
Speaker
Okay. So, um die hard. Okay. We're figuring it out. So, we have to... The the last people that they were against
Surreal Conclusion with Musical Number
01:02:20
Speaker
were the... this is um were I guess just an improv script here? um So, we have to go back to the... What are our neighbors' names? The Bernsteins? Yeah. The The Bernardis must have murdered the mailman. Give me the gun so I can do my action scene.
01:02:38
Speaker
Here, and ah I hand over the gun. Okay, this is my shot at Spielberg. and And I, like, shuck off my winter coat. ah Which you were wearing inside. You were wearing while you were baking. yeah I'm sorry, are you looking for scents?
01:02:56
Speaker
No. Wrong place. That's a good choice. That's a good choice. I like the jacket inside. That's good. it Saves on future wardrobe. You can just always be wearing in the jacket. And I ah slip out the door with the gun.
01:03:08
Speaker
oh If I slip out the door, I mean to step behind the single prop that is door and I just a wait behind the little tiny curtain so that I'm out of the scene. Mr. Tur- Mrs. Turwing- Mrs. T! Your son is going into the military, so that means it's in your blood. gotta go help my mom!
01:03:27
Speaker
I need to call my agent. Give me one second. What are the odds I'm shot to the head this year? I have a good feeling. Four to one, kid. where We're going to the moon.
01:03:39
Speaker
Put it all in. All in on Shot to the Heart this year. 100%, 100%, we got this. Okay, let's go. Gaylord Falchion looks at into the darkness of the studio where he assumes the director is standing and says, I'll be damned if I let her steal my murder scene. And then he like hobbles up and he's like, wrote that.
01:04:01
Speaker
I did. hobbles after you. What a weird scene. Yeah, voice? We didn't even address the fact that you were baking store-bought goods. I was under your coat!
01:04:19
Speaker
I was wearing the winter coat the whole time. To go outside! Can we add that where the coat hits the ground and like the box of the cookies falls out of your pocket? I just like shove it behind the nearest prop.
01:04:33
Speaker
You shove it behind the nearest prop and it's the couch and the horse just stands up from behind the heck behind the couch. Yeah, it doesn't like that. It's scared of a skittering box. And oh, baby, we're up to like 10 dice here.
01:04:47
Speaker
Lordy. What? How? What are you going Break my other hip? I decided to start only using the same size dice because I was worried about how quickly you were accumulating injuries. Thank you. We are outside. Hey, hey ah Cindy, Mary. Yeah, can I set this one? Please, please tell us what's going on. It is a interior of the Burgundy-gers house.
01:05:11
Speaker
Yeah, cool enough. I have a concussion, it's fine. Interior of their house, night. You hear like a knocking on the door and we'll all be outside and and rushing in to confront whoever answers. Amazing. It is the um it is the same set as the Wisconsin house, but just mirrored.
01:05:31
Speaker
So the broken wall with the busted down doors, just like propped up in front of it. It's a 180 swap. And the actor Vinny, he's now fully dressed. He's wearing a suit. He's got a little Italian flag pin on his lapel. And a a woman who plays Mrs. Bernardi is wearing like a This is in the 90s, but she's wearing like a 60s like cocktail. You know, I just made a weird jelly and ham concoction for dinner and took some Benzoids and life is good, probably. And she's wearing like that kind of get up. And and and Vinny came. Mr. Venzo Bernardi slides the broken down door over and says, hey, it's like a little bit.
01:06:11
Speaker
we have We have no power, so we're just we're real chilly over there. My winter coat caught on fire. Can you um let us inside so that we don't freeze? We yeah have no power either. though Somebody cut the power line.
01:06:23
Speaker
We'll will penguin huddle for warmth. Thanks! And then I start shimmying in. George R.R. Martin in the audience laughs and he says, ah maybe Jon Snow's a penguin?
01:06:35
Speaker
Say, Vincent, why don't you come over here and talk with me while my daughter goes to the bathroom and finds anything that might constitute as ah evidentiary burdens for some reason. come Let's have a little chit chat over here, buddy. The toilets are do not the work. that She's very adaptable. She's used to farm animals. Cindy like walks in and has now been handed the head and she's last into the thing and looks at the head and looks around like oh and like shoves it in the nearest like potted plant.
01:07:04
Speaker
The horse stands up. It just, like, pushes, like, the shrub out of the potted plant. know Then she goes offset into the bathroom door.
01:07:17
Speaker
whoo Good, good. Get out on that scene as quick as possible. The horse is about to freak the hell out Amazing. Okay. Okay, yeah. It's all right. Well, yeah, so let's ah huddle for the penguin warmth.
01:07:28
Speaker
And ah the two of them stand up and, like, stand next to each other in the room. Great. So my husband actually has a slightly broken hip. So we're just going to give him a little bit of a bit of a radius and we're going to give me a little bit of a radius because, you know, like personal bubble. We need to get a, uh, we should but get an intimacy coordinator probably next time. I think if you could put that on the list, Johnston.
01:07:49
Speaker
The hell is that? What the hell like You know, we'll... third um Anyway, so we were just trying to keep things... Look, the jig is up.
01:08:01
Speaker
I'm here to confront you for your crimes. You can't... You can't approve we did anything with the mailman Doug Kuzler. What? it You cannot approve we cut off his head to send a message. You you cannot approve of nothing.
01:08:16
Speaker
Oh, I was talking about your Christmas lights. Oh, and he looks at the camera... He McColkey Culkin's as well. Mamma I pull my gun. Oh!
01:08:29
Speaker
We've got you dead to rights, and I'm happy to get you dead. That was an excellent line. Well done, Diane. It is my right to not to die. How was that the line?
01:08:41
Speaker
Bad. Cindy enters from the bathroom, and she's like, I found this. And it's like a bloodied machete, and you're out of toilet paper. double gas.
01:08:53
Speaker
Who is that? My wife has the hemorrhoids. both And sorry, the machete does helps the hemorrhoids. How?
01:09:03
Speaker
I think he was referring to the toilet paper. ah No, I went to the machete, but I'd rather not to get it into it.
01:09:13
Speaker
You're going to put your hands above your head and you're going get down on the ground. Unless you did fight sequence, because fight sequences I hear are great for audition tapes. All right, let's do a little fight. does it no no, no, no, no. And Venzo goes to throw a punch at you.
01:09:27
Speaker
i duck and kick out his knee. He hasn't done fight training, so I actually hit his knee. He collapses to the ground. He goes, ah, ah, ow, what the hell? And the horse is going to rear back for another die. oh, oh.
01:09:46
Speaker
Ah, three, nice three. sounds Who hasn't been hurt yet? That's my question. You know what? We're going to say we're going to say the horse charges into the two of you fighting, stepping on his other knee. And with, let's see, threes, you suffer a major injury. The sound guy is just like trampled. His mic is snapped in half. Why am I doing this? Because now I have to do a weird sound gag that I don't really want to do. So instead, we'll see the camera breaks, the camera breaks, and now everything's like shot like the blur. It's all blurry. The rest of the footage is really blurry because this is an audio only podcast, so it doesn't change my life at all. But the sound is pristine. It's almost like a radio drama. It sounds so good, well edited and thoughtfully, meticulously put to together. And your appendix ruptures.
01:10:30
Speaker
That's deadly. I'm triggered. I and grab my meat lower left abdomen, Shannon. Lower right. Lower right abdomen.
01:10:42
Speaker
That was a very specific injury. And I'm in pain. well I demand hazard pay. Or I won't continue the scene. Can we get some ADR? ah Avenge me, husband. oh be on To be to be!
01:10:59
Speaker
Cindy crosses you the machete. That was my ADR. I wasn't just saying that. That was my ADR. I will take the machete. Am I supposed to do... What's your name? fuck a Director guy.
01:11:12
Speaker
michael am I supposed to be do surgery with this? She clearly needs surgery. I lay down and just deadpan go, Oh no, I'm dying. Help me, husband. Joella Jo!
01:11:26
Speaker
What?
01:11:30
Speaker
To Willinger! of Oh my gosh, Angela! No! i will rush up to Angela and ah start performing surgery.
01:11:53
Speaker
Uh, we've done this bit before, but in a different context. Suddenly the lights turn harsh and bright. It is looks like general hospital in here. A couple of, uh, extras come on in like nursing attire and, uh, we need
Absurd Hospital Scene and Plot Twists
01:12:09
Speaker
of blood. don don don don dont don Why is this music so jazzy? and ah the horse and just scalpel.
01:12:19
Speaker
I lay still. Perform surgery now. but This game has no rolling mechanics, no successes or failure. So I'm gonna say we add one die because the horse doesn't care for general hospital. Guys, there's a horse in a hospital.
01:12:33
Speaker
got there. Hey, we got there. I think the horse should like trot up with a medical mask on and one of those silly little doctor hats. guys know that We've all like snapped into costume.
01:12:45
Speaker
oh yeah. I'm like adding this sweat off of Mrs. Twillinger's head. Yeah, there's an exterior shot of the hospital that, you know, is just like a stock image. Then a ah the ah buber and that we're in the waiting room and you're all sitting in like chairs, including the horse sitting in just like ah a waiting room chair. And a doctor comes out and says, well, I've got good news and I've got bad news. Start with the bad news.
01:13:09
Speaker
Your health insurance isn't very good. Absolutely. Because we're in America. i was stupid
01:13:20
Speaker
yeah What's the good news? What's the good news, Doc? I have stock in an private insurance firm. Oh my gosh. And also, your mother slash wife slash employer is going to be okay. Oh, God. oh What did I say my rich uncle's name was who died?
01:13:40
Speaker
Molester. No, no, Lester. Lester, yeah. Lester. lester Well, kids, family, Mrs. Terwilliger, honey, if you can hear me from the room that we left you in, I've got some more.
01:13:51
Speaker
Happy news this Christmas. That old bastard Lester is finally dead, and he's made a stinking rich. And season two is going to be set on a yacht. Can we do that?
01:14:03
Speaker
can we Can we make that happen? No, and I'm actively one of the extra orderlies in the background just wearing a surgery mask to hope that nobody recognizes the actor. If you want to executive produce with that inheritance money, 100% we'll be on a yacht. 100%. That wasn't a line, right? Like you actually got inheritance money from your death luster, right? that That was a real thing that happened, not a character thing, right?
01:14:27
Speaker
I think it was a character thing. Ah, damn it! The TV in the corner of the waiting room turns on and a news reporter sitting there in ah in a fashionable news reporter outfit sitting behind a desk says, Breaking news this hour.
01:14:44
Speaker
An incident at the home of the Italian diplomat to Columbus, Mr. Venzo Bernardi, was brutally attacked in his home.
01:14:55
Speaker
The suspects remain at large, but... The Italian government has recalled all of its delegates, and there is a high chance that we, the United States, will go to war with Italy, something we thought would never happen again. And in other news, here's a cow wearing a Santa hat.
01:15:12
Speaker
No!
Holiday Decorations and Dark Comedy
01:15:14
Speaker
And you can get the TV, and it's it's just ah it's the horse. Oh, no. Did you hear that, Mrs. Terwilliger?
01:15:23
Speaker
Yeah, we're going to war. son! A cow! Yeah, we're going to war war. Well, I think there's nowhere to go from the hospital but to ah Shannon, please, for the last of the second round of scenes, please describe the the the eighth scene of this well-constructed sitcom.
01:15:43
Speaker
um um um whatever my name is, Willy Pop Pop and his wife stand on the balcony of their home. They're both still wearing scrubs. It's just the flip side of the unpainted scene.
01:15:58
Speaker
Yes, exactly. And and we're looking up we're looking across the street and the horse is putting up white, silver and gold Christmas lights on the Bernardi's house. And I say, well, dear,
01:16:11
Speaker
i i know i I know it's been a low-key Christmas, but I wanted to have one special thing happen. So ah I got Nettie, that stuffed animal, and in exchange, she's making few things right. um Do you pull out the stuffed animal? The horse has it. I don't know, man. I pull out the gun and I just say, let's make one more thing right.
01:16:35
Speaker
There's a clear shot through that window. Mr. Goddamn Bernardi. And honey. He's been recalled. He's been recalled. The government recalled him. We went over this in rehearsal, I think.
01:16:48
Speaker
um Sorry, this is filmed live, right? Like they can't like take it back if we, this is like filmed live. I mean, we'd prefer not to edit if we don't have to. yeah da dear, I want a divorce. The audience members go, aww.
01:17:03
Speaker
Well then, darling, I suppose i am the one being shot in the heart today. Does that count? We pan down from the cherry picker to like the porch below and like on the rocking swing is like Mrs. T and Cindy.
01:17:21
Speaker
She's like, my parents are getting a divorce. Oh, it's okay. I like go and grab like a pillowcase and like throw a hoodie on it and just toss it off of the top so that it flops directly in front of you.
01:17:34
Speaker
yeah
01:17:36
Speaker
Mom, no! Oh, look away. Sweetie, don't look. Cut, cut, cut. All right. All right. Everyone take five. Take five. this is This is really good stuff. This is really good stuff. This is the best episode we've ever made. This is really good. We've only lost a few souls tonight.
01:17:53
Speaker
Let's have a moment of silence for them and then a snappy snappy finale. Remember, it's Christmas. God, Anne, an uplifting note. Probably need to have Santa. Probably. Because our friends at Macy's require Santa.
01:18:05
Speaker
or Coca-Cola. They're neither one of them sponsoring us, guys. I'm sorry. I'm lying about that. Is this Christmas Eve or Christmas Day? Who gives a shit?
Christmas Confusion and Electrical Mishaps
01:18:14
Speaker
Okay. Can we say it's Christmas Eve and like... Yeah, yeah, it's good. as Christmas morning be like the next scene. Oh, that's brilliant. Yeah, no, no. We'll do that for sure.
01:18:24
Speaker
yeah
01:18:27
Speaker
The horse finishes plugging in the lights on the building, on the on the fake house across the street, and gets electrocuted and collapses to the ground. And then a moment later stands back up and we'll add two dice to the stack. I feel like we're playing the game, Ron.
01:18:40
Speaker
I
01:18:43
Speaker
feel pretty strongly. I don't understand the rules. The horse is not supposed to have such an active role. Yeah. The Arch Council really wanted the horse to be involved.
01:18:57
Speaker
We come back from our commercial break. We see the exterior of the Terwilliger house. It is looking beat up. There are splintered boards, broken windows, and... The Terwilliger house? The Diskinson? The Diskinson house. The Diskinson house.
01:19:12
Speaker
Sorry, Diskinson house. Swap out the houses. And they just flip the house around, the panel around, and it's it looks exactly the same. So, Nettie, Cindy, um your fathers should be coming home from the... I know it was very scary that your father fell from the banister. It's very sad. He's had some amnesia since.
01:19:33
Speaker
So we're just going to have to make sure that we try extra hard to make sure that he has just the best Christmas after his brain injury and hip sprain. And Mrs. Terwilliger should be over any time now because she doesn't want to celebrate Christmas alone. And really, so we just have to make sure that we're just our most welcoming selves.
01:19:47
Speaker
ding dong
01:19:51
Speaker
cindy opens the door mrs t merry christmas merry christmas oh on and come on in come on today my son's not here to celebrate with me are you really bringing the mood down as soon as you walk in oh so sorry my dad jumped off a roof so you'll see me complaining Have some cinnamon rolls. Just wheel full body cast out.
01:20:22
Speaker
Okay, somebody get the straw so that he can have some hot chocolate. oh I'm imagining the mask goes like the bandages go over my mouth. which is really good for a podcast.
01:20:35
Speaker
Here you all remember e go, dad Just firmly grasp for your mug. Firmly grasp it.
01:20:44
Speaker
Firmly grasped me! The mug shatters on the ground and the horse screams. Oh no! All I wanted to do was a Spongebob bit.
01:20:55
Speaker
Husband, dear, eye it's Christmas morning, so but we can like loosen your your jaw and you can read us at the the story your favorite Christmas story. All
01:21:08
Speaker
all of us, the players, they're like are you really going to commit to it? No! I threw you a bone, Shannon. Take it! I'm kind of thinking it's funnier this way. um Fine.
01:21:24
Speaker
There's a night before Christmas. It was South Carolina, 1862. And... Where he goes on and on, and camera pans back, and you see the house, and then you see a snow globe, and then you see a hospital.
01:21:43
Speaker
It was all a dream. You're fucking us We can't afford this. So we pan out. We pan from the house. We pan to snow globe. We pan back into the snow globe. And then we see on the roof of the house a bag and somebody in red slip through the chimney.
01:21:59
Speaker
oh There is a explosion of... ferrarddi i swear to God.
01:22:07
Speaker
No Italian spies. Santa Claus is an inside job. yes There is a expulsion of ash and dust and soot from the chimney. The horse rides by on a skateboard and screams as the... du
01:22:25
Speaker
doesn't matter anymore. Just have the horse kill us. I'm so sorry. On a skateboard? Like a single skateboard? Like all four feet are like... How does a horse ride a skateboard? Is it like this? is it like...
01:22:45
Speaker
How many dice do we get for the horse riding a skateboard? ah Four sixes. Is that good or bad? That's really bad. Mrs. Terwilliger, Debbie, the horse falls off the skateboard and lands on you, breaking all of your ribs.
Medical Emergency Amidst Chaos
01:23:04
Speaker
And it just lies there flat on top of you. It does not try and get up. Does Santa come? So Santa comes through. skateboarding horse goes by, slips, and falls on Mrs. T. Deb, I got bad news. We used all the bandages on the the costume over here.
01:23:22
Speaker
oh Do you have your your your your affairs in order? Oh, I think I need a doctor. Okay. We don't have one of those on this show. No, but I think I'm really hurt. to Cut. We need to cut the scene. need to go to the hospital. No, no, no. Keep going. This is gold. This is gold. And as Santa steps out from the chimney, you see a big white beard and i i a belly full of...
01:23:51
Speaker
munitions brett wipes away the soot covering his face and says i made it guys got into fort smith told him i was there to join up and then took a bunch of ammunition and he lifts up his jacket revealing just he's wrapped into like a large continuous belt of of machine gun ammunition my son you need to come back here for your mother's last moments Cindy's like on her knees with the horse, like being like, are you okay? Are you okay? That didn't hurt you, did it? He's
01:24:28
Speaker
still my sweet.
01:24:32
Speaker
So intimate. Hey Brett, you got those, are those live munitions? Yeah, I think so. And he's just going to throw one at the ground and goes bang. And the horse is just going to like thrash. And we'll add a die for that. Although I think that's supposed four, but that seems crazy. No, we'll add four. Four dies?
01:24:52
Speaker
Okay, well, um my husband has seen beyond the grave, so um maybe he has some gentle words to soothe your fears. What fears would those be about going to war?
01:25:03
Speaker
I think she's talking to Miss T. I think she's talking about putting down Miss T. I'm talking to Miss Deb, who has been crushed by horse. Sorry, thought you were talking about me.
Dramatic Monologues and Personal Drama
01:25:12
Speaker
Like I said before, I'm really Jones in the go-to army.
01:25:16
Speaker
Right. That's my whole deal.
01:25:22
Speaker
I'm supposed to give no i just know here could offer some words so inspiring words of wisdom of the realm beyond ours for our dear friend for our dear dear friend Deb, Mrs. Terrilager, because she doesn't look so good.
01:25:36
Speaker
And I think maybe you could comfort her in these trying times since you're ah you're you're a senior citizen. I throw myself out of my wheelchair and I like crawl towards Mrs. Terwilliger on my crusted arms and legs. And I go, Mrs. Terwilliger.
01:25:50
Speaker
And then I spike the lens and the lights go down and spotlight hits me and I say, Be or not be? What is the question? or that and I do the whole monologue. And then at the end of it, I hobble to my feet and I bow to the four army, the four audience members.
01:26:09
Speaker
And I bow to my fellow cast and I sit back down. Well, Mrs. Tewilliger, to be or not to be this Christmas, what say you? What are the odds on surviving traumatic crush injury?
01:26:23
Speaker
The good news is this is probably really good grounds for a lawsuit, I think, because you're stepper texty. The bad news is I don't think that there's money to take from this production. Only thing you get it from this production is the horse.
01:26:36
Speaker
Okay. The horse doesn't look good either. I'm going a die for that as the horse is offended. Shush. Don't don't listen to her. Brett says, Nettie, you're looking pretty good.
01:26:49
Speaker
Yeah, of course she is. She's the most beautiful, perfect person in the entire world. And you'd be lucky to have her, Brett. Oh, hey, mom. Yes, son. I lied before.
01:27:00
Speaker
You know, when I said I only love the Statue of Liberty.
01:27:07
Speaker
Yeah. Mom, do you remember? Well. That was the most hurtful thing you've ever said to me. Oh, well, I don't. i will i I think I might have said the wrong thing. I but think I might have hurt your feelings by saying that. And just this Christmas, I want to apologize because I think I also have feelings for Cindy.
01:27:30
Speaker
What? Oh my gosh. I was pretending to be into Nettie so that Cindy would get jealous and that's why I joined army so that I could I could become a hero and I don't know mom I think I'm just screwing it all up and
Gunfire and Emotional Turmoil
01:27:44
Speaker
he pulls out a gun I don't know mom I just think I'm screwing it all up and maybe we just need a fresh start mom I'm so proud of you for coming and telling me There's only one thing left for you to do and I take some ammunition and I put them in his gun.
01:28:01
Speaker
ah Aim for the heart. He points the gun at you. He points the gun at the horse. He points the gun at Cindy. Who I supposed to shoot, Mom? Who is the real one?
01:28:14
Speaker
i I'm so confused. ah Army did bad things to my brain. Mom. Mom, I need you to tell me who to shoot. The order matters.
01:28:25
Speaker
Horse first, then Cindy, then me, then yourself.
01:28:31
Speaker
Mom. I'm gonna go finish what we started all those years ago. what a nice! He runs out the front door.
01:28:43
Speaker
Oh, okay. You hear gunfire just from the other side of the stage, and the horse is gonna start freaking the hell out. You hear a light go, the light just goes falling, and you hear Brett, the actor who plays Brett's game, ah, they got me.
01:29:00
Speaker
And he expires. Oh, Johnston, can we get confirmation that that was a sound effect and not casualty? You hear... Mr.
01:29:13
Speaker
Johnston, are you sure? Staying alive. Yeah, it's it's all good. Just a sound effect. And we got the Bee Gees for this one. i Happy Christmas, everybody. on that note...
01:29:32
Speaker
I quit. I'm done. You're about to deliver the monologue! I was nominated for an Emmy. Okay? I don't belong here. We need to solve the issue with the Italian consulate. Otherwise, we won't have a happy Christmas in Columbus Falls, Ohio. Oh my god. Oh my god. Okay, fine, fine, fine.
01:29:52
Speaker
I quit after this episode. The Italian mafia? No, not the mafia. Not the mafia. The Italian consulate. Shut the fuck up, Johnston. Just because they beheaded a guy and it felt kind of like we were doing a godfather thing, that doesn't mean that's what it was. I still have that gun.
01:30:07
Speaker
Yeah, everyone's got a gun. Godfather.
Defending the Horse and Emotional Connections
01:30:10
Speaker
Godfather's so inspiring in this moment. Italians, horse head. I think you know what we have to do. you want to decapitate the horse?
01:30:18
Speaker
No. It would send a message. Sorry, are you defending the horse? I'm defending the only thing in this world I've ever truly loved. Are you still in character?
01:30:31
Speaker
oh man is dying. And I loved Brett too. love them both. It's forbidden love because it's also my cousin, I guess. Oh my god. Ding Mrs. Dewilliger, would you get that?
01:30:47
Speaker
Yeah, I get up and answer the door. hello The horse ran off. Speaking of the horse, it trots back in with a Brett slung over its back and he's got like a trickle blood coming of his mouth. He says, Mr. Johnston, fix me up real good.
01:31:04
Speaker
I'm sorry, everyone. I failed you. It looks like we lost the war. Brett, it's okay. Shush. You did your service. And now, welcome to Italy.
01:31:15
Speaker
Two. Is that how that works? And then I turned to Mrs. T and I'm like, look, Mrs. T, your son came home for Christmas. Oh, I can die half of you. And Mr. Rick dies.
01:31:32
Speaker
From her ah internal bleeding. Can you die? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, of course. yeah <unk> name would like you to recall the 20 minutes ago i tried to pan out in a snow globe and end this once and for all.
01:31:53
Speaker
I tried to quit. there but You can't quit, you die on set or you do this forever. The band starts to play and we have a final montage of our actors opening their Christmas presents.
01:32:09
Speaker
Mrs. Terwilliger is dead on the couch, but she has a cool pair of new sunglasses on. Welcome to weekend at Terwilliger's.
01:32:20
Speaker
Cindy. Whoa, we've moonlighted a spinoff. Cindy, what do you have? The montage? Is it just like shots? who care Okay.
Closing Montage and Fourth Wall Break
01:32:33
Speaker
Cindy is like, your cares we're getting you back. We're going to get you in for a real episode. Cindy like turns around like, and it just says like Cindy played by Mary Columbus. And then like the horse like comes into frame and she just starts like kissing it. Wheeled out onto the stage by Johnston.
01:33:00
Speaker
Got, we've got Gaylord. he He stands up on feeble legs and takes the deepest of vows and then gestures up to the lights so that the lighting people get some flowers too. ah you... Oh, he's gone.
01:33:12
Speaker
The skeleton. Oh, he's gone. What a way to go. Yeah. He's gone. Couldn't do it. We need a DM for this, right? Somebody else can stack dice. Oh, God.
01:33:25
Speaker
I'm walking away from frame with my finger completely out, just like actively storming. slam the door shut. The camera guy steps in. I throw a latte at them. Perfect. They have to hold a little like black box over my mouth because I'm swearing so much.
01:33:41
Speaker
How are doing, Zach? We might have just lost it all. No. No. It's a non-zero chance. My recording shows 30 seconds, which has never happened before. Chrome crashed. That's never happened in or recording. ah It didn't show the effect of recording. It might gone. The top of ours shows the right thing. Yeah, ours is okay. I'm going to press stop. Nothing matters. Who cares? Five more minutes isn't going to make the difference. ah Do you want to do like what happens to Nettie in the montage? Yeah, Nettie, you see her, she's smiling, and then the camera pulls back and you see that it's her face on a bottle of glue and ah and credits roll, produced by Jerry Bruckheimer.
01:34:28
Speaker
Merry Christmas, everybody. what you ever done But Ellen, you were really great. Thanks for being here. Thanks for having
Humorous Reflections and Wrap-Up
01:34:38
Speaker
me. thanks alan alan can you toast well Where can people find you? What better shows can people find you come on? If you want something a little bit more structured, you can find me.
01:34:49
Speaker
ah We open with and quick, I need a game. Two of the nicest shows in the world. Unlike our bad, bad, cruel, evil show. Where's Jason Statham?
01:35:02
Speaker
Yeah. We needed it. Uh, Laura, anything you wish to, anything you, you, you want to talk about? Thanks for bringing me along for this ride. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. yeah Aren't you glad you came here?
01:35:14
Speaker
and I'm always here for some chaos. Uh, All right. Well, everyone, you'll never hear this episode because I'm pretty sure the file got corrupted, but, uh, buh-bye.
01:35:42
Speaker
Amen.