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Avox Race: 2 Fast 2 Unscrupulous | Podcasthon 2026 One Shot
7 Plays16 minutes ago
We're back and soupier than ever! Join us once again for this year's Podcasthon bonus episode! When Henry Moonlighter III goes missing, the OFB has no choice but to enter a high stakes race full of needless narrative conceits, fatalistic monkeys, and a twist ending that everybody saw coming!
We were once again joined by the wonderful Nicholas Hupé from the Ottawa Food Bank for our adventure as well as a conversation about the state of food insecurity in 2026.
Donate to the Ottawa Food Bank:
https://www.ottawafoodbank.ca/donate/
Check out the other shows participating in Podcasthon:
https://podcasthon.org/
Meet the cast:
Dungeon Master – Zach Meikle (IG: @zachabee)
Jimson Thornapple – Prima Zhao (IG: @primbdraws)
Oleander Thornapple – Shannon Meikle (IG: @sharsharbinks)
Zyzyx – Nicholas Hupé (IG: @ottawafoodbank)
Edited by Zach Meikle
Follow the show:
Instagram: @bard_soup
TikTok: @bard_soup
Website: www.bardsoup.com
Music & Ambience
The following songs are created by Alexander Nakarada (www.creatorchords.com)
Licensed under Creative Commons BY Attribution 4.0 License
https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/4.0/
Outlaws of the Iron Horse (0:36)
The Jack Russel Terrier (30:45)
Dreamful Tales of Fantasy Entropy (32:53)
Beyond the Horizon (53:44)
Countdown (1:12:44)
Burt's Requiem (1:38:16)
Achievement (1:39:58)
Additional music and ambience created by Tim Roven (www.tabletopaudio.com)
Protean Fields (3:20)
Floating Market (22:53)
Through the Woods (39:07)
Car Chase! (56:05)
Rat Battle (1:02:57)
Sand Raiders (1:14:22)
Jungle Shaman (1:21:15)
The Wild Hunt (1:30:09)
Additional sounds provided by Pixabay
Hybrid Action Countdown by Alex Besss (38:39)
Recommended
Transcript
Podcast Thon 2026 Announcement
00:00:00
Speaker
Hey everyone, Zach here, just hopping in at the beginning of the episode to share that we are once again collaborating with the Ottawa Food Bank as part of Podcast Thon 2026. This is the fourth edition of Podcast Thon, and during this week, more than 1,500 podcasts are working together to highlight charities working in Canada and throughout the rest of the world.
00:00:20
Speaker
We were once again joined by the wonderful Nick Huppe from the Ottawa Food Bank, We were able to continue last year's story of the Boundless Pilgrims, and then we had the opportunity to chat with Nick about the state of food insecurity in 2026 and what we can all do to help.
00:00:35
Speaker
It was a lot of fun and I hope you enjoy.
Journey Highlights and Mission Context
00:00:40
Speaker
Five months ago, the Odrajal's Fury Bastion, or OFB, finished their crossing of Odrajal's Fury, a vast desert spanning hundreds of miles.
00:00:51
Speaker
You overcame a band of goblins who had kidnapped another group of boundless pilgrims, and you added a soap golem named Sudsy to your crew. You continued your clockwise journey, watched as the days got shorter, as Pharos the Sun Phoenix began to fly away from Zav towards the distant Moon Egg of Ketchiel, and managed to navigate the perilous Atum Mountains just before they were blocked off by snow and ice for the season.
00:01:15
Speaker
Five weeks ago, you boarded a ship in the city of Sunfall, nearly rebuilt after it was largely destroyed when the Cult of the Phoenix attempted to pull Pharos out of the sky and bind it to their control.
00:01:27
Speaker
You made a stop on the remote island of Sibal Reef where you met Tilran Delucarte, an odd elf who gave you several magic items in exchange for an ink bottle of strange blue liquid that you found in a spaceship buried in the desert.
00:01:40
Speaker
Five days ago, Your ship landed on the island of Avox, in the Anchor's Chain, a collection of a dozen islands of all shapes and sizes. You traveled up the Uruzi River and reached the island's central city of Yali-de-Yawa, a vibrant city built on and around a beautiful lagoon, where the people dressed in colorful silks and gathered to buy and sell goods in the Thousand Taste Market.
00:02:03
Speaker
Your decision to visit Avox was intentional, as was the timing for your visit.
Arrival at Avox Island and Sabotage Discovery
00:02:08
Speaker
For you see, every year, visitors flock to AVOX to either observe or participate in something known as the Golden Circuit, a hundred mile race around the island with a massive cash prize for the winner.
00:02:22
Speaker
The race itself is managed by the AVOX Racing Company and its leader, the Mercurial Archon, who functions as both Race Commissioner as well as High Priest of Vasilis, a deity with great significance to boundless pilgrims such as yourselves.
00:02:36
Speaker
Upon arriving on the island, you immediately appeared before the Mercurial Archon and received permission to enter the race, using what limited time you had to prepare for the upcoming challenge. One of you, a proficient halfling wizard named Henry Moonlighter III, used the extent of his magical prowess to enchant your wagon, get it ready for race day.
00:02:57
Speaker
Five hours ago, you gathered in the garage you rented, hours before dawn, so that you could make the last adjustments to your wagon and bring it to the starting However, when you arrived at the garage, you discovered the lock on the door was broken.
00:03:13
Speaker
Your wagon was in pieces. No. And Henry was gone. God. If I had a nickel every for every time we had to rescue one of Jordan's characters. That'd be whole dime piece at this point.
00:03:31
Speaker
That's 50 cents. Wait, that's 20 cents. I how much a nickel was. I got it wrong two times. That's only 10 cents. Are we ready to admit that the nickel is an obsolete piece of currency? Oh.
Investigation with Oxen Witnesses
00:03:50
Speaker
it's it's like It's a good thing you're you're charming, Oleander, because I don't know if i would trust you doing my accounting. It's funny because i last last year, i think the session started with me just immediately being bad at surveillance. So it's like what my utility is to the group, we're still refining, but we know what my utility isn't. You really bring our um our mood up. You keep the morale high.
00:04:17
Speaker
vibes, guys. Get a resident clown. Yes, exactly. This is the worst thing I could think of on on race day. I'm in shambles, just like this cart. I'm in shambles. The thing is, we haven't made any enemies recently or anything like that, so I'm just wondering who would do such a thing? You don't think Henry had a tantrum and then ran off.
00:04:38
Speaker
It wouldn't be unlike i am but they're they're they're typically contained fits. And this this looks pretty wild, almost like, ah I assume, a wild animal. It's, oh, geez, how it's in shambles. Does it look delicately picked apart or is it smashed?
00:04:59
Speaker
Why don't you give me an investigation roll? And as you do, could you please describe your character? oh Oh, that's not great.
00:05:11
Speaker
I rolled a nat three. Gorgeous. So that's a five after everything. So investigation roll, not high. Emotion is overtaking me.
00:05:23
Speaker
Zizix is a... handsome young halfling with a very rackshamble put-together robes, lots of pieces of leather and buckles sewn together hastily keep lightweight.
00:05:38
Speaker
He's got some scarring on him. He's well-traveled and loves to tell a good story. Zizek looks around and your first instinct is, did a wild animal get in here? did ah Is there a gorilla on the loose in Yali-Di-Yawa?
00:05:53
Speaker
But also in the garage is your beloved oxen, Steak and T-Bone. And they are unharmed. They're just sitting there like grazing out of a trough. And, you know, you look over at them and they look back at you with big cow eyes and you think probably wasn't a wild animal, but you don't get much more beyond that.
Alliance with Boet Halan and Wagon Replacement
00:06:17
Speaker
That's awful. Okay, real quick, can you guys remind me what your classes are? Rogue. Jimson's a barbarian. a barbarian. I think I didn't use rage a single time last time. got a second chance.
00:06:31
Speaker
Well, maybe Jimson was this one of your fits of rage? No, this is ah obviously sabotage. The accent's coming out.
00:06:44
Speaker
That was good! But the cart was ah Henry's work. Like, he he's the one who charmed it. For it to be destroyed like this, I don't think he would have let this happen lightly. Oleander.
00:06:55
Speaker
Yeah? You can speak to animals. I sure can. no Could the oxen... Not that we want to use all your animal speaking right away, but they seem to be the only potential witnesses. That is such a tremendous point. Okay. I assume... Oh, so I guess I should describe Oleander at some point.
00:07:14
Speaker
Zach, do I have your permission to do so at this juncture? permission denied.
00:07:22
Speaker
Okay. I'm going to do it anyway. i love So, Oleander Thornapal... Okay, I won't, I won't, I won't. Okay, Oleander, I think, was riding Papal, which is her just, like, gigantic... chummy pig that she has as a familiar. He is just plump. He probably like plumped up.
00:07:43
Speaker
she She probably plumped up for ah for the slaughter like a decade ago and was plump enough to be a good feast and then just kept on getting plumper.
00:07:53
Speaker
And Ollander, she's an aspiring farmer, but recently they've been traveling on a spaceship, so I think she's been experimenting. What? you said ship! you have like Like wooden, like boat. Oh!
00:08:06
Speaker
Yeah, no, the spaceship got buried in the desert, my guy.
00:08:10
Speaker
Okay, I think she still looks like a farmer, but there's like a slightly like pirate tilt to her now. Like she's got like saltwater stains on her overalls and her hair is...
00:08:21
Speaker
like still long, even longer, still in a braid, but the braid is just perpetually like damp at the end. She's got ah ah a smattering of freckles, which just ah a classic cheery halfling face that is very similar to her twin's face. And she is going to top off of Popple and walk on over to Steak and T-Bone.
00:08:43
Speaker
And she's going to
00:08:48
Speaker
whatever she has here that lets her talk to animals. Will the spell speak with animals? Oh yes, spell, there is it, there, there, that would be it. Yeah, she's gonna cast speak with animals and she's gonna say, well, hi boys.
00:09:03
Speaker
Oh, good evening, wonderful to see you. Hey yes, good evening, how are you, my dear? Oh, well, um, you know, I'm doing fine, but it looks like you two have had a bit of a fright recently.
00:09:15
Speaker
How are y'all doing? I must say I'm quite scandalized. Scandalized. Here I was munching my trough and suddenly a group of masked individuals came in and made a mess of our burden.
00:09:28
Speaker
It is our burden to bear these many years and now we can bear it no longer. Man, they really did mess up your burden. She's going to like look over her shoulder and call back to her her two companions and be like,
00:09:38
Speaker
Wasn't a tantrum. You were right. Wasn't a tantrum. Oh, okay. And ah ah these masked individuals, they took Henry with them, did they? Indeed. He put up quite the fight.
00:09:50
Speaker
That doesn't sound like Henry. Playing dead sounds like Henry. Well, no. Ever since that time in the desert, he really took up that that... that defense mechanism, I must say. It didn't work for that other guy. Let me tell you, the vultures did not care.
00:10:05
Speaker
where They told us in great detail about how little they cared. But ah ah yes, no, he he he he surrendered immediately and ah they they dragged him away and then some others stayed and bashed the wagon quite terribly.
00:10:20
Speaker
Okay, and did they did they have any chatter amongst them? Like, this is motivated by,
Race Preparations and Strategy Development
00:10:25
Speaker
and then whatever it was motivated by, you know, that kind of thing. I don't understand your language.
00:10:30
Speaker
Like, you know, like did they in- They were speaking so In speaking amongst themselves. Oh, okay. Well, okay. It was, oh, okay. Okay. Yeah. You don't understand. I thought you meant you didn't understand what I was like the question, but no, you not speak. No, understand you right now. You're saying moo and, oh, I get that.
00:10:50
Speaker
No, yes. yeah No, yeah, of course. No, They did not say giddy up or whoa. And so I did not understand any of their words. And that was not very accessible of them and I'm sorry for that. I'm sorry you were excluded. Thank you. Thank you. Now, did they have any sort of identifying, maybe perhaps insignia?
00:11:08
Speaker
Anything of the like? No, they were very tall though. Very tall. Like taller than two of us stacked on top of one another? Maybe. Can you two stack? Could you do could you two do a stacksies?
00:11:22
Speaker
Yeah, can I roll acrobatics to stack? Yeah. Could you please describe Jimson as he attempts to climb upon Zizix's shoulders? The smaller of the two of us. All right, bend your knees. Widen your stance a little.
00:11:41
Speaker
I rolled a 17 plus 2, 19. Wow.
00:11:46
Speaker
plus two nineteen wow Nat one. and You're halfling. Oh yeah, you can reroll Nat once, right? yeah That's true. I will never forget this fact. Let's go, to Prima.
00:12:00
Speaker
It took us most of the episode last time to remember. 11. Jimson, a thick lad, but you who brace yourself, tense your abs, and Jimson springs it upon your shoulders. ah Jimson, what do you look like as you stand upon Zizek's Jimson, I think, still also looks mainly like a farmer. Like, he's been on a ship this whole time. He's even more suntanned than usual.
00:12:28
Speaker
I think maybe over the past five months, he's grown out a bit of a beard. And yeah, he's leaned into the pirate aesthetic a little also. I think he's probably wearing like a trench coat over his overalls. Amazing. Yeah.
00:12:42
Speaker
Steak and T-bone look over. ah Maybe, perhaps a touch shorter, yeah just just a smidge shorter than that. Shorter than that, okay. Tall for a tall folk, but shorter than two short folk. Understood, that is
Race Commencement and Early Challenges
00:12:58
Speaker
very helpful. Thank you, Stake or T-Bone. Now, I don't know, Zizix, Jimson, what should I ask these fine folks here? I'm just not really sure what else to ask. I've asked about who came in here, how tall they were, whether they had any distinguishing marks.
00:13:14
Speaker
how How many were there? That's a good question. How many were there? Oh, I suggest half dozen. Whoa. Oh, wow. That's a lot. Would would we know that there is a history of of sabotage or is this really unlikely for the race?
00:13:31
Speaker
Give me a history roll. Oh, we're rolling. That is a dirty 20. Whoa! Okay. You know a good deal about the the Golden Circuit. This is, like I mentioned, there's religious significance to groups such as yourselves. It is something that is discussed. Maybe not every Boundless Pilgrim participates, but if they happen to be in that part of the world... It sure is a fun thing to see or attend. And with that, you have you have learned over the years. You've heard bits and pieces here.
00:14:02
Speaker
There is, of course, a cash prize. Cash prize is substantial, and that is probably motivation enough to sabotage. However... there's an added layer.
00:14:13
Speaker
You know, with and with a dirty 20, that the island of Avox is renowned throughout the entire world of Zav for the spices that it produces.
00:14:24
Speaker
You can find any type of spice on Avox, ranging from salt, to cinnamon trees, to basil, to thyme, oregano. The Thousand Taste Market has stalls with just stacks upon stacks of spice piling up precariously. And at the center of the spice production, there are five noble families.
00:14:45
Speaker
And every year, at the beginning of the growing season, The five families gather in front of the island's nature spirit, Ibir Urgo, to seek favor for the growing harvest, and typically one family receives a favorable crop.
00:15:02
Speaker
And the Golden Circuit is not the only way to earn favor of the spirit, but it is seen by many as one of the leading ways. So there's a lot of pressure amongst these competing families to perform well at the Golden Circuit, which I think with a dirty 20, you could view that as potentially a more pressing motivation.
00:15:22
Speaker
And how how diverse are the demographics on the island? Is it perhaps predominantly taller folks or would they stick out? Hmm. I think you might not know the specifics, but I think with ah with the with a 20, I think you have that instinct that that might be a thread to pull on. i don't I think you don't know the answer outright, but I think you know that that might be a worthwhile line of inquiry.
00:15:49
Speaker
Okay, cool. And I mean, it's a port. It's an area for spice and trade, so it's going to be a bit of everybody. And we're in a rented garage. Mm-hmm. Are there other garages around?
00:16:01
Speaker
What's in the vicinity? It's sort of like a Dock's District sort of vibe. You know, a lot of more industrial buildings where perhaps shipments that are going out to throughout the world might be loaded up here before being
Tactics and Obstacles in the Race
00:16:15
Speaker
taken down the river and loaded up onto...
00:16:18
Speaker
more ocean ferrying vessels. The island is largely surrounded by rocky protrusions that make ah ship access difficult. So most ships kind of congregate. either They either come upstream if they're small enough or they gather at the mouth of this river and then shipments are brought down to them. So yeah, a lot of lot of warehouses.
00:16:38
Speaker
And I would say, as you kind of like glance towards the window just to kind of try and take in, you know, you're reflecting, you're thinking about the island and its ah it's layout, the city's layout, you see a pair of eyes peering at you through the window.
00:16:53
Speaker
And you see them, and they see you, and they go, Oh, oh, Jimson, get off my shoulders, man. I think we have a guest.
00:17:05
Speaker
And I shout at them. Like, I bring everybody's attention. Look, look, at everybody. They throw their hands up, and they're like, I mean you no harm. I just heard a commotion, and...
00:17:19
Speaker
I... thought... I could be of help. State your business. Who are ya? well Well, my business is your business, i reckon. But my name is Boet Halan.
00:17:30
Speaker
i'm I'm a resident here, and I saw i saw what happened to your to a wagon. Oh. all alright I apologize for the hostility. Tensions are a little high. I apologize. Of course. No, of course. it's Terrible tragedies have fallen on you. ah it was It was beautiful, and then they destroyed it. Well, ah come on in closer. i don't bite aside from occasion.
00:17:53
Speaker
but What do you know, friend? I don't bite anymore. Not after the incident. Not after the incident.
00:18:03
Speaker
Well, i was I was out walking my my beloved hound, and i heard i heard a clatter. So I snuck over here, and I peered through, and I saw several men trashing your wagon, you see.
00:18:14
Speaker
And then I saw them sprint off into the night, and i I brought my hound home, and then I came back here, and I see you, and I think you must be the rightful owners. Otherwise, you're scoundrels and opportunists, and... Oh, what a pity for me to run a fowl of two groups of scoundrels in one eve. So I choose to believe in the good in the world, and I assume that you are the rightful owners of this tarnished wagon.
00:18:40
Speaker
and Indeed we are. I'm <unk>m i'm just devastated. i mean, my my compatriots, they're all devastated. i mean, Oleander's talking to cows. it's It's a rough time here. um We're really at wit's end. Can can you tell us anything about about the the scoundrels you saw earlier?
00:19:01
Speaker
Any markings, color of their mask? Anything would would be mighty helpful. where we're we're quite We're quite at a loss of a wagon. Yeah, when you saw them, did they have our companion or a halfling wizard with them?
00:19:16
Speaker
Oh, of course. Yes, he he put up a a valiant fight. I believe he cast a single cantrip and then was quickly scooped up. It was very, very, very unfortunate. well He really tried his best. Believe me, he would be here. He would be here if he if he if things could be any different. If he really wanted to be here, he'd probably be here. He probably would have put a ball of a fight to be here tonight. But what can you do? Life gets in the way. Sometimes you get kidnapped by masked men. But they did have, one of them did have a symbol.
00:19:45
Speaker
It was of a a glowing sort of radiant turtle shell. And you he kind of looks around nervously. I'd say he like steps into the into the the garage and there's like an overturned lantern and perhaps Papel writes it. And you see the light kind of shines on his face. And you see he's got like ginger hair that's maybe chin length and rather large ears. And he's you know taller than you guys. Of course, he seems to be human. And he he says, Yes, I don't think I've seen you around, so I'd assume you're not locals. But um he he kind of looks around nervously. That that would be the symbol of Hausfelda. They're a very powerful household here on the on the island. He starts to wring his hands. They often win the annual Golden Circuit and earn Ibu'ugo's favor and and and their their wealth grows and and grows every year. They must have seen you as a threat and thought to ah thought to you take out the competition.
00:20:42
Speaker
That's so underhanded. That is so well said. Wow. Unscrupulous. Word of the day. Truly. and That's a good one, Jimson. Word of the day goes to you. And Ollie takes off like a little pen and like pins it on Jimson.
00:20:59
Speaker
I mean, what do you say we go get our wizard back? I mean, hell hath no fury like three pilgrims wronged. Well, I mean, it's your friend and your life, but getting your friend back won't help you win this race. But it just so happens I find myself in ownership of a wagon without a crew to to drive it, you see. My crew was taken as well, so I was thinking perhaps you could pilot my wagon. And if you win, you you can keep the cash prize. I just, I want the bragging rights. I spent a lot of time on this wagon and I want to really stick it to House Felder that I made something just as good as whatever there their thousands of gold pieces can conjure up each year.
00:21:39
Speaker
And for what it's worth, I think they'll probably release your friend in the morning once the race is done. I doubt that they really have any ah strong feelings against him. and They probably just want to remove him temporarily. And then, you know, for future adventures, he'll probably be around as convenient. But, you you know, that's that's just my idea. at they're third They're not murderous house.
00:21:56
Speaker
No, no, no, no. We have we have laws here. Opportunists, perhaps. Opportunists, unscrupulous, perhaps, but murderers, probably not. i don't I guess I'm not around to know for that for a certainty, but I got a feeling is he'll probably show up, know us for wear in the morning or at the finish line of the race, even if we can get him to give ah a line or two in a post Fantastic.
00:22:16
Speaker
What do we say, gang? AVOX race too fast, too, too inscrupulous. That's is the title of the episode. How'd you know? If you're amenable, i i I'll meet you at the starting line and off, off, off to the races. I suppose we don't have much time to to consider it. That's I assume it's starting momentarily. Well, the lead-in conceit kind of pulled a ah ah Superman, James Gunn Superman, and did the five months, five days, five hours thing. But then we jumped into the present, even though it was five hours ago you arrived at this wagon. So five minutes ago, you arrived at the starting line. What? What?
00:22:57
Speaker
You were arrived at the starting line five minutes ago. And, oh, the crowd is bustling. You had to make your way through the Thousand Tastes Market. The city of Yali-ri-yawa is vibrant. It's electric. There's music. There's drums. There's people dancing in the streets in colorful garb. The stalls are open. You smell grilling fish and other meats. You see fruits that are cured in syrups and just piles upon piles of spices. It is a culinary and visual and auditory smorgasbord. And it's not just today.
00:23:27
Speaker
It's not just today. You've been here for several days now. It is like this all the time. It is always electric and you you gather. I will say before you left the the garage, you kind of went through your belongings and you saw that you weren't even robbed. They didn't take anything. They purely just destroyed the wagon, stole your wizard, and left.
00:23:46
Speaker
And you opened up a secret chest that carries some of your valuable goods, which includes Zizis, your Boots of Springing and Striding, of course, and Jimson. your javelin of lightning, but it also includes three other valuable items that you have acquired that you received in trade from that spooky wizard on an island. You gave him that that liquid you found in the spaceship, and in return, Oleander, you received an immovable rod.
00:24:13
Speaker
Ooh. oh Jimson, you received a belt of dwarven kind, which raises your constitution by two and makes you more charismatic with dwarves. And you mentioned your beard. You have a beard now. It also makes you grow a beard. Related? Unrelated? Hard to say. So, you know, you've got a big beard now. And Zizix, you've received a robe of useful items, and it's covered in all these different patches. And you know that if you rip off one of these patches, the thing on the patch will appear in your hand. So I will put that in the chat. There's like 15 or so patches, including daggers and lanterns, a poles, rope, an iron door, a riding horse, two pits, and some other things. So I'll put that the chat and feel free to use those at will. This is a dangerous thing to give a rogue. Yeah, yeah, I thought so. All right. I rolled for the patches and I was like, OK, you know, riding horse, good iron door. OK, could be strong. And then I rolled the pit times two and I was like, oh, no, if race oh, no. So, ah yeah, you have those. And you navigate through the the crowded walkways of the Thousand Taste Market. Shopkeepers call out to you trying to sell you fish and goat and fresh peppers, ginger, cinnamon, a hundred other spices. And Boat greets you at the starting line and presents this wagon.
00:25:36
Speaker
And it is smaller than the one you travel around the world in, which makes sense. It's built for racing, not for sleeping anything. larger comfort and it's made of this rich wood the color of cinnamon. It's got several levers and buttons and these these large spoked wheels and it's almost almost like a chariot sort of vibe.
00:25:59
Speaker
Fairly ornate. There's several carvings that kind of etched into it and it looks fast he says, oh, oh you came, you came. Wonderful, wonderful.
00:26:09
Speaker
This this is it. It doesn't have a name. think about the name they'll probably ask you for a name in a few minutes time so you should probably give them a name but i would just ah maybe i perhaps i'd show you a couple features and uh they might help you join the race you have a you have a something to pull the wagon right of course yeah of course We have our own auxin. Auxin, yes.
00:26:34
Speaker
Perhaps a little slow, but as long as they're able to run a hundred miles in a relatively short amount of time, auxin could work. Well, what's... What is their movement speed?
00:26:46
Speaker
Not fast, but they are slow. Compared to pack wolves. You know... I think comparable. And maybe as you're debating this, you hear a, and you look past the stake and T-Bone and Papal, and you see Sudsy, the soap golem, who's a little bit smaller than when you first met him. He's been helping to keep you clean. you've You've been through winter. There was some snowfall that kind of shrunk him a little bit, but you know, sometimes he can fly into a murderous rage. And when he is, he's very fast. He's very fast. It's risky, but if it, If there's no rules that say a soap golem can't play chariot racing.
00:27:28
Speaker
How do we feel about Steak, T-Bone, and Sudsy as our Rudolph? go I think that's brilliant. He can make the roads slipperier so they will run faster. Yeah, they'll slide. Yeah.
00:27:43
Speaker
Yeah, that's clever. That only be a good thing. I think so too. Well, I can find a familiar too. Can't I, Zach? Okay. You tell me, man. ah You do have Papal as well.
00:27:58
Speaker
Could i change Papal into something defter is what I'm trying to find out. Oh wait, oh, oh, I have a horse in my pocket. I have a riding horse in my pocket.
00:28:11
Speaker
So we could shell steak and T-bone. Yeah. It's a riding horse, but it's a horse. versus the Horse horse. Horse is a horse. So we got a soap golem and a horse. I mean, that is so situationally appropriate. I can't even believe you just had that in your pocket.
00:28:28
Speaker
I think I have just the thing. And I... You rip this patch off of your if yourre your your robe and this this large, beautiful black stallion just... yeah appears in the air and a guy who's walking by eating kebab looks at the horse and says, I gotta get me another one of these and walks to the crowd.
00:28:55
Speaker
and May I present Shadowfax, no relation. Shadowfax, no relation, a fine name for a steed. ah Last name, no relation. It's from a different island. Of course, of course, yes. Now, we all know Shadowfax Lord of the Horses doesn't look like that.
00:29:14
Speaker
Not at all. and He's from a different region of Middle Earth. Of course. Yes. Yes. Well, wonderful. You have a steed and perhaps a soap golem. That's fun. And might I present some of the the the bells and whistles of of my fine racing chariots here? This he points at a lever. If you pull this, it ah releases a drag mat and he he pulls it and you see this like sort of like almost like chain mail. This like metal sheet drops out from the bottom.
00:29:41
Speaker
and kind of hits the ground. he says, if you're at speed, this this will slow you down, but it it'll kick up a good cloud of dust and debris and make things harder for those behind. Make it perhaps a little easier for you to distract them.
00:29:56
Speaker
And... dumb over here. And he points to a button. This releases some some some spikes from the the cinnamon forest that that might repel any borders. Yes, there's sometimes borders in these sorts of races. People get very enthusiastic and maybe you need to like say no like a porcupine and you need to bristle. So ah cinnamon spikes.
00:30:16
Speaker
And then he points to a cage and that's a monkey. So it is. Yeah, I can confirm as a ranger. Actually, is it a monkey? It is. seems to be a capuchin.
00:30:28
Speaker
I see. So not not pocket sized, but not massive either. No, not like your horse. No, this this yeah not quite a pocket sized monkey. Does the monkey like to race?
00:30:40
Speaker
Don't know. Never asked. Ollie, you should ask. I'm all over that. Hi hi there, sir. Good evening. Okay, this whole thing that's going on, you in a cage about to go on a race could be intense. We might throw you at people, et cetera, et cetera. Is that something that you're interested in doing? Because I can alternatively just open this cage and you can scamper off and enjoy a pleasant life on this island. i was born a free monkey and I will die a monkey that is thrown off a chariot at race speed. it is my destiny.
00:31:15
Speaker
Okay, and do you have a name we could be calling you? i am a monkey. I'm a monkey. Okay. Nice to meet you. If I can just introduce you to my colleagues, this is Zizix, Jimson, and Shadowfax No Relation.
00:31:29
Speaker
And Sudsy. And Sudsy, yeah. ah You can kind of just call Sudsy whatever as long as you don't call him Sudsy. Let's clean this mess up. And uh... I'm speaking monkey! I'm speaking monkey! Oh, it's true, it's true, she's speaking monkey. Watch out! Like somebody stepped on his grave, you know, he like, he perks up and he's like, wait a minute, I don't speak monkey, and he comes back out.
00:31:54
Speaker
Alright. We almost ruined the race. You ruined the island. mean, we gotta do it at some point, right? Like, we gotta.
00:32:06
Speaker
30 chariots and 40 racers dead.
00:32:14
Speaker
In soap incidents? Everything's super clean and yet a bloodbath? ah Yeah, guys, this guy, Ammonkey, is good to go. yeah He's a freak and we're going to win this thing. You know, I would be surprised, but I've befriended soap.
00:32:32
Speaker
So I'm ready to race. Let's do this. Let's do it. Wonderful. Well, take your positions. I'll hitch up your, your, your, your steed and ah a best of luck to you. I'll be, I'll be waiting here at the finish line. yeah Go, go give them one four.
00:32:47
Speaker
And ah he, he hitches up your horse, the carriage and disappears into the crowd. And, And a few minutes later, a hush falls over the crowd as an individual covered in these vibrant red and orange and yellow silk robes. They mask their features. You can't see their face or even their hands. They're wearing gloves. Steps up onto a a platform and hush falls over the crowd and you would recognize them as the Mercurial Archon, the commissioner of this race.
00:33:19
Speaker
And they raise up a hand to the crowd and say, Greetings everyone! Welcome to this year's Golden Circuit! And a crowd, the crowd erupts into cheers.
00:33:31
Speaker
We have some of the finest racers from throughout AVOX, as well as the larger world, here today. And they will engage in a a death-defying race around the island.
00:33:44
Speaker
They will, of course, depart from here, Yalidayawa, travel downstream alongside the Uruzi River, travel around the Buckler Coast, down into the Blooming Valley, across Elswein's Bay, navigate the Sweetbark Rainforest, the Godsdrawn Highlands, and then back through the Thousand Taste Market to the finish line.
00:34:06
Speaker
The winner! shall receive a thousand gold pieces, as well as the favor of our nature spirit, Ibir Urgo. The losers, we might not ever see them again.
00:34:16
Speaker
Let's have some fun. I present to you our pillars of society, our leaders of our city council, our spice barons. And there's like more polite applause. People love the racing. They don't love the bureaucrats, but they love the racing. He says, Sarkin Drumpk.
00:34:34
Speaker
And you see this blue dragonborn man with a ah stump tail. It seems like he was cut off about two thirds of the way up. He's wearing a cloak with a white spider on it. Ileana Pelimet, and you see this larger woman, she's in her 60s, she's walking with a a wooden staff that has flowers blooming off of it.
00:34:51
Speaker
Amal-e, and you see this hawkish man, he's wearing a ah set of armor that seems to be well worn with this dark hexagon insignia on the breastplate. Sibeka Felda, and you see this old turtle woman, this like bipedal turtle with these little barbells, like spiky protrusions coming off of her off of her chin, and she walks with a bit of a hunch.
00:35:11
Speaker
And Ormat Halon, And you see an individual with long red hair and pale skin, and they give a polite wave to the crowd. But we know who you're here to see.
00:35:23
Speaker
Our racers. And the Archon gestures towards this row of chariots standing at the finish line, representing House Drunk, the white spider.
00:35:35
Speaker
And you see this glassy wagon with eight legs attached to it. And with each of those legs, so a wheel. There's this blue dragonborn and four kobolds checking the the systems and the levers and the dials and you see that it is pulled by two white spiders with these blue spots on them. They're fairly large, like you could ride one of them.
00:35:53
Speaker
They're big enough to support one of you. Representing House Pelomet, the beached whale! And you see what appears to be a ship that has been converted into a wagon. It's got a mast and sails and you see several dwarves dressed like sailors standing upon it. And it seems like some some wheels were attached to the the base of it, representing House Ear, the battle wagon. And you see what appears to be very much just like a Roman chariot. And you see these half elven triplets standing upon it, waving rather severely at the crowd. And you see that it's pulled by two cassowaries, just these large bipedal predatory birds. Scary things. Look them up. They're scary birds. Representing House Felda. the diamond shell and you see this sparkling it looks like a turtle shell made of diamond and you see uh this one tortle he just raises his hand so slowly at the crowd and takes like 30 seconds for him him to wave visiting us from our friends to the south we have the junk mobile and you see what looks like a trash wagon uh You see several ah halflings dressed in like a Mad Max style, just like torn off like sleeves and vests and just like goggles and looking just like very intense. You see this dire boar, this massive boar, these large curved tusks pulling it into position.
00:37:15
Speaker
The stone shield. And you see, it looks like a coffin. It's just, it looks, not aerodynamic in the slightest, it is carved stone and you see a pile of boulders in the back and these these goliaths, these large giant kin are standing upon it. They've got shaved heads, tattoos that kind of wrap up their necks onto their skulls and they nod.
00:37:35
Speaker
And representing House Halon, I'm sorry, i didn't get the name of your wagon. And he looks at the three of you. Oh, damn. read it that ah oo What was the name of our previous wagon? The one that got wrecked?
00:37:53
Speaker
I don't think we ever named that one. Oh, shit.
00:38:01
Speaker
Everyone's staring at us. This is a nightmare. This is called the Yes And. The Yes And! The Yes And! sohow Not the worst name we've heard today. That that goes to, what was that? Junkmobile? That's the worst one. That's my least favorite. I don't like that. That actually what I was thinking before we before they took it. That actually was my first pick, so...
00:38:23
Speaker
Zizix is all red. He's so embarrassed that this is happening in this race he's been looking forward to for so long. Yeah, everything really has gone wrong today.
00:38:35
Speaker
Like, we didn't have time to put on cool outfits like everybody else. Racers, take your positions. Race in honor of our speedy lord Vasilis and bring honor to our island.
00:38:51
Speaker
Ready? and you hear the sound of boars start to get revved up and sails are lowered. Set! The goliaths start to like pick up some boulders and like kind toss one up in the air and just like catch it and testing the weight.
00:39:07
Speaker
Go! And you take off. Seven wagons tear off down this stretch. You're on like a ah wide street and it it leads kind of alongside, it kind of wraps alongside this river that, you know, leads out of the city and down towards the coast and it takes off. I need to ask, who is piloting this here vessel? Ooh.
00:39:30
Speaker
Piloting? Good question. That seems like a dexterity task, so probably me or Zizix, but we could always take ships, like swap off.
00:39:41
Speaker
Yeah, I got 18 dexterity, so i I don't mind piloting. Okay, go for it. That is ah better than me. Amazing. So in that case, could I get a ah dexterity throw? And you know what? I will say the four of you are people who travel constantly around the world via wagon or carriage or chariot. However you wish to describe your previously functioning vessel.
00:40:05
Speaker
I'm going to say you can roll any, any of you can roll any driving checks with proficiency. I'd say you all proficiency with land vehicles and so you can roll a dexterity throw and add uh we'll add seven oh 12 that's with the seven okay so uh you know remind me sudsy hooked up to this yes this as well Yeah, Sudsy picks up the horse and kind of strings it over, it like hang holds it over his shoulders and then starts who who running down this main street and clearly not fast enough on his own. Very clutch with the horse patch because you kind of slip down into like the bottom half and then you're like, no, no, Sudsy. And he puts the horse down and the two of them start running. But you're kind of in the back half. And you watch as the diamond shell takes off with a speed you didn't think was possible. And you see that the white spider, this spider shaped glass wagon pulled by spiders blinks out of existence and like teleports 30 feet up the road.
00:41:08
Speaker
And then like the spiders keep running and so and yeah, the wheels are just kind of like like shopping cart wheels. They're kind of like, you know, like wobbling every which way. And it's like, it seems like poor design, but they've got the power of teleportation on their side. So.
00:41:23
Speaker
You know, maybe it makes up for it. And the the the race goes off. Jimson and Oleander, what are you doing as Zizix pilots this wagon?
00:41:34
Speaker
Jimson, what do you got? Okay, I think we should make a game plan. So it's the turtle group that wrecked our carriage in the first place, right?
00:41:45
Speaker
Seems to be, a yeah. I think we should gun for their team and knock them out of the race early. That's good thinking. Yeah, I like that. See, I was kind of fixated on the triplets. I was like, being a duplicate is our thing, you know? Like I was gonna... So maybe prioritize the vengeance, but if we get a chance to turn them into twins, you know what I'm saying? Or just, you know, but to just eliminate their cart. Maybe we do do that. We probably want to keep Sudsy, but I don't imagine he's he's all that fast.
00:42:20
Speaker
Okay, what if we tell Sazni to drop Shadowfax No Relation and run in front of the horse instead?
00:42:31
Speaker
Like, a you know those people in curling? and sweep the rope i feel like that will only slip up the horse i like where you're thinking what if we got into like first second place and then we cut sudsy loose we outstrip sudsy and to all the people behind us we as we yell as we leave we go you know sudsy we activate him and then we just leave it in our in our dust, you know?
00:43:05
Speaker
Just leave him online to- What if we activate him now and just do that now? Oh, just like eliminate the competition right off the bat. Yeah. we're in the back half right now, so that would only clear up the people who are the least competition to us.
00:43:21
Speaker
Mm-hmm. I agree. We gotta get to the front. Top three, yeah. Mm-hmm. Top three contingency, I like that. That's what you're saying. Do either of you have distance weapons?
00:43:32
Speaker
Like, can you be firing ahead at the next chariot? Oh, for sure. i got i got a ah bow and arrow. I'm a ranger. Range is like my whole thing. It's right there in the name, I guess. Oh, and we have them we have monkey.
00:43:45
Speaker
Oh, yeah. I am a monkey. But that we might want to keep until like that's a for sure throw. Like we can drop that into someone else's chariot. That's ideal chaos is reaching the arm over and just letting the monkey do chaos. But I imagine we have to be close for that to risk not killing monkey before his murderous ecstasy rage comes to fruition. Yeah. Okay, that's a good point. Yeah.
00:44:12
Speaker
So we're in the bottom half. How close is the next closest cart? You know, i will say 20 feet in front of you, 30 feet in front of you, something like that. Okay. Is it a dead shot?
00:44:23
Speaker
Straight in front of us? We're drafting them? Yeah, I'd say, like, as you kind of exit the city, the the race carries down along this this this dirt road that runs alongside the river, and you see that it's this, yeah, this fairly wide, gentle river. You see numerous wicker fishing boats, and people just, like, gather along the the opposite shoreline, watching the race, people fishing, having a good time,
00:44:46
Speaker
and Yeah, like the the racers kind of spread out a bit. It's a long distance race. you know, there's a lot of time to ebb and flow and some are like up off to an early lead. But I'd say it's like ah the street narrows down a bit. So it's kind of like maybe room for one and a half comfortably, right? Like you can pass, but it's like if you mess it up, you might be in the river.
00:45:05
Speaker
Ooh. Do we try to edge him off? Do we try to squeak up beside him? Or do you want to plock a shot? ah You know what? I bet I can shoot that wheel. Let's try to get them to veer off on their own first. Yeah. If if it doesn't work, we can pull up beside them.
00:45:21
Speaker
I like that plan. You know, I like your plan of shooting the wheels because i was thinking about shooting them in the back. so So let's do your option. Well, how about mine is the first resort and yours is the second resort. And will we got contingencies.
00:45:39
Speaker
I love it. I love it. Okay, i'm gonna I'm gonna notch a shot and I'm gonna aim it for the ah the spoke. Like I kinda wanna almost break the wheel off or like loosen the wheel if I can and gonna aim and fire.
00:45:56
Speaker
Okay, sorry, which one are you aiming at? Just the one in front? Yeah, I'm gonna aim at the front wheel, hoping that I can get them to veer off into the water. Okay. Give me an attack roll.
00:46:07
Speaker
it ah Okay. Everything is falling off my desk, but it was a natural 20. Wow. So that's a 28 to hit. Can i get like a damage roll? You could get like a damage roll.
00:46:20
Speaker
it's It's but a simple bow and arrow. It's not it's nothing overly... Oh, ho I rolled maximum damage. That's an 11. Eleven, my lord.
00:46:30
Speaker
You shoot the front wheel, and we'll say you shoot at the junk mobile. They're the ones in front of you. You notice pretty quickly that the four that are like representing, well, they're all representing noble houses, as it would turn out. But as the the four that are more established are the four that are in front, and then the junk mobile is in front of you and the stone shield is behind you. So you draw up your bow and arrow and you fire off and this arrow shoots off and it pierces the the spoke and it catches and it like grinds to a halt.
00:47:02
Speaker
And one of the these Mad Max style halflings aboard the wagon says, blah, and pulls a lever. And you watch as half of their wagon just crashes off, like shears off.
00:47:17
Speaker
And they are down to like, just like a grotesquely wobbly, like a penny farthing mixed with a motorcycle. Just this towering machine that is rattling along. And you watch as half of their wagon just goes wobbling off and veers off into the river and splashes, throws up a big splash of water. But they continue on, but much, much skinnier to appear behind the veil. Each wagon has a special ability and theirs is detachable parts. So.
00:47:48
Speaker
Well, I actually, because we're level five now, i actually get two shots per attack. Amazing. so i I like already, as I see it fall apart unflinchingly, I have my second arrow already notched waiting to go and I'm doing the exact same gambit. I'm going for another wheel.
00:48:06
Speaker
Amazing. Oh, okay. That's a 15 naturally. So that's a 23 to hit. Ooh, that hits for sure. Oh, that's a lot less good. That's five damage.
00:48:17
Speaker
Five damage. It damages the wheel, but it it's still it's still motorcycle mode. It went from wagon mode to motorcycle mode, and they're going to return fire, and they're going to try and just like start throwing piles of trash at you.
00:48:32
Speaker
Jimson, anything you want to do to try and assist with with that aspect. I also have some javelins that I can throw, I think. So I'm just going to follow up and still try to knock them off.
00:48:44
Speaker
Now, when we say javelins, do we mean javelins or javelin with a capital The javelin? ah Well, is there motorcycle made of metal? There's metal. There's a lot of metal on it. a lot of scrap metal.
00:48:59
Speaker
Like a conductive material, you would say? I would say probably, yeah. I don't know if i want to use my, ja well, let's use my capital J Javelin. Okay. You've had a lot of time to practice with this thing in the last five months and you you pull it off of your back and it starts to crackle with electricity.
00:49:16
Speaker
Make an attack roll. Can I re-roll once on an attack roll? Yes, you can. oh Okay. Because was a nat one. That's crazy. That is an 18. 18. This Javelin. Now, please tell me, what is the command word for the Javelin of Lightning?
00:49:30
Speaker
There's a command word. do you always do this to me? I first did this to you two and a half years ago. It's been bit. can't use the same one. Oh man. Oh, why do you do this to me? yeah
00:49:46
Speaker
This is a pop quiz, Zach. yeah I just scream, zap him really loud. And then I launch the lightning bolt.
00:49:57
Speaker
They start flinging trash and there's like garbage can lids and big, you know, just wads of refuse, bags that are maybe would like get in your way or like muddy up the road.
00:50:08
Speaker
And this lightning javelin just turns into a beam of crackling electricity that just ricochets book but but boom through all of this debris, obliterating it and strikes their wagon.
00:50:19
Speaker
And could you give me the the damage for that? It's a javelin plus 46 lightning damage. Well, I rolled max, so 6 plus 10, plus lightning, damage ah Yeah, you see skeletons go including of the giant boar.
00:50:42
Speaker
And then they all hold up signs that say, ouch, as the as the wagon explodes. And they all like go flying and land in the river and come bobbing up and the boar shakes its fist at you. And you move from sixth place into fifth in that moment. But you don't have long to celebrate as a giant boulder.
00:51:03
Speaker
kicks up next to you as the stone shield behind you starts, the the Goliath sunboards start flinging rocks at you. oo I also get a second attack now that I'm fifth level, right? I believe so, yeah.
00:51:16
Speaker
So they've pulled up next to us? They're like a little ways behind you. Okay. I'll just turn around and try to throw a normal javelin at their wheel. You throw this javelin and hits the wheel and it shatters the wheel. The wheel just explodes. But then two of the goliaths, you see, reach down and grab the sides of their wagon and lift it up. And you see they're flintstoning it down the road. They're just running. did did did did to did it And you see that there's no bottom on their on their wagon as they try it. They keep pace with you and your your racing horse. Wow. Wow.
00:51:49
Speaker
This continues, like, you know, flinging javelins, rocks getting tossed back and forth, and you run down this road for quite some time, and you see that the ocean is nearby, but before that, there's a little stream that branches off, a little breach, or, yeah, that branches off from this river, a little...
00:52:08
Speaker
tributary if you will And you see that there is a rope bridge that spans at maybe 20 feet long.
Acrobatics and Teamwork During Collapse
00:52:13
Speaker
not very Not very big, but very skinny. And the stone shield is keeping pace with you. Actually, it's almost like caught up to you, in fact. They're like keeping pace with you. and it's It's going to be the world's worst Three Stooges moment as the two of you try and hit this bridge at the same time, unless you're able to get ahead of them or find some way to slow them down. So we'll go back to you. Zizix, what do you do as you are running this this wagon? Okay, so I have lanterns. That's not going to help.
00:52:43
Speaker
Oh, would we have any knowledge of these giant kin? That might be useful. Hmm. Any typical fears? Like, would they be scared of their own reflection?
00:52:55
Speaker
When looking at my mirror patch. Yeah. Would you like to give me another, we'll say another history, history roll, perhaps? I would love that. They're just running behind our cart. Yeah.
00:53:08
Speaker
Are they wearing thick-soled shoes or are they barefoot? I like love your line of thinking. You said it and I was like, oh yeah, we could just drop one of these mirrors. We have a spike function for our card.
00:53:28
Speaker
That's also true. we have a lever that drops spikes. Are we thinking mirror? Are we thinking spike trap? But I did also roll a nat 20 for the history check. Okay, let's see if we have any- This is a historian. Yeah, truly.
00:53:45
Speaker
Okay, a quick history lesson about Goliaths in the world of Zav. We won't get into the nitty gritty details, but the broad strokes is the majority of this world's Goliaths live in a place known as the Atu Mountains. you You traveled through that part of the world earlier in the year in your in your journey around I guess last year as it were in your journey around Zav and they've got several notable cities up in the mountains. However, famously, there was an island in the Anchor's Chain known as the Shield Rock known as such because it's this large sort of just massive stone island that is said to protect the rest of the Anchor's Chain from storm winds. It acts as sort of a a lee wall, you know, it it creates a a barrier or so the legend goes.
00:54:29
Speaker
And on that island, there is a community of Goliaths that were exiled from their traditional home. And they have made made a a dwelling there and they, they have chosen to live in isolation in hopes of, repenting and earning the right to return to the larger community. So while they don't have a fear necessarily of their reflections, they probably have some very strong feelings about their exile from their homeland. Use that as you will, I suppose. Okay. All right. Okay. The sight of other Goliath might scare them enough. Yeah.
00:55:02
Speaker
Okay, okay, okay. I'm i'm crafting i'm crafting a witty retort.
00:55:09
Speaker
How are you gonna celebrate your loss when you go home and tell your family, oh wait, you can't, and I take off one of the patches containing the steel mirror, and I just drop it behind us?
00:55:24
Speaker
you Go for the emotional damage and then the foot trap. Burn! Amazing. Make them confront themselves. They never touch the glass. They just immediately stop in their tracks and hang their heads. Turn around and start stretching back down the road.
00:55:45
Speaker
The race HR department is just like, we have to talk about this. chair sportsman like You can kill people, you just can't say mean things. There will be a memo after the game.
00:55:57
Speaker
i The golden circuit therapist is like running over.
00:56:06
Speaker
Oh, no. You continue along and you're you're in you're in fifth place now. Same as it ever was, I suppose. Your position doesn't change, but you no longer have the pressure of these Goliaths behind you. And the race continues on.
00:56:18
Speaker
You see the other riders are kind of have put some distance between you. They were content to let the schmucks, you know, the the people who aren't the the pros battle it out in the back. And they're kind of like doing their own thing up at the front. So you've lost some ground to them.
00:56:33
Speaker
And you see as you follow this road, it curves and veers to the right and starts to track along the coastline. There's clear markers, there's flags every so often to tell you where to go. It's easy to navigate. That's not part of the challenge. And you watch as the ground around you starts to become more uneven. and the ocean waves crash against the shore and you see the shoreline is just littered with hundreds and thousands of basal columns just like these stone hexagonal columns jutting out from the ground at all these random angles seemingly random angles and as you run along this road sometimes it rises up and you're running alongside cliffs and just see like these large drops down to the ocean
00:57:14
Speaker
And you you see just these farms where they're growing ginger and turmeric and other spices of that nature. And you continue along, starting to maybe catch up a little bit. And that's when, dare I say, disaster strikes. Oh.
00:57:32
Speaker
As the beached whale, this ship turned into a ah wagon, you see the the diamond shell begins to flare up. you walk It's like a like a bright mode of light. It's staring into the sun. You watch as this diamond encrusted turtle shell starts to glow bright and the dwarves aboard the beached whale clutch at their eyes, seemingly temporarily blinded as this turtle shell catches the sunlight and refracts it at them. And you watch as their wagon crashes into one of these stone columns. And one of the dwarfs says, down with the ship, lads. It's been a pleasure serving with you. And they they wave little little flags. And you're looking at them. and they're just like they're just on the ground. They're just like, their wheel is broken. They're they're not in the water. They just wrecked their ship. And what you watch is this massive stone column begins to crack.
00:58:22
Speaker
and sheer and starts to slide apart from itself. And within a few seconds, it's going to crash and just completely blockade the road, cutting you off from the rest of the race.
00:58:33
Speaker
What do you do? Oh, no. Jensen, you got something for this? What? How can I have nothing for this? Is there anything we can do to boost our speed to go past it?
00:58:44
Speaker
oh e We can make Sudsy go faster. we just gotta use his command word. No one has a spell or anything that would that would crash through.
00:58:55
Speaker
You know what I mean? Oleander, not to distract from the strategizing, I think Speak With Animals doesn't last as long in 5e as it does perhaps in Baldur's Gate, but for the purposes of this episode, this recording, I don't care about that. And we'll say your Speak With Animals is just still active. Oh, nice. And this horse, Shadowfax, the, sorry, unrelated? No relation. Shadowfax, no relation. You can hear him yelling, I was just born 20 minutes ago. i don't know what's happening. Where am I? What am I? My existence is a curse. Okay, okay. Y'all, I have an idea. And as I talk, I'm like climbing over to the front of the carriage. And I think, I think all the Edra's plan is to like hop onto the horse and like soothe it and talk to it like up close. But while she like grabs onto people's heads and whatever, she like stabilizes to walk forward. I think she's like, Yeah, maximum. I think she's like, I'm not saying we should launch Jimson like a cannonball at the problem, but Jimson, if you wanted to fly, today might be the day. And i' going to take a leap and try to land on the horses at Gallup's. What are you saying exactly?
00:59:59
Speaker
I'm saying we launch you like a cannonball using ah a rigged mechanism, perhaps whatchamacallit, like a teeter totter, but extreme. And you go cannonball mode, do a little rage, break some debris, and then we pick you back up.
01:00:15
Speaker
It's that simple. Now, whoa, buddy, whoa. I won't go faster. Well, the column's still coming down. She ain't in the way yet, i assume.
01:00:27
Speaker
True. Maybe we can just get through. Okay, so you're you're soothing the horse. I think, I guess, yeah, I'll soothe it and try to get it to speed up. Yeah, I was gonna say, can we can we incentivize it?
01:00:38
Speaker
okay, I'll just get him to go faster. It's like, we will give you, like, purpose. purpose
01:00:47
Speaker
Oleander's gonna like pet the horse, kind of rufflets ruffle its hair or whatever mane and be like, hi there, buddy. My name's Ollie. You have a big long name. We'll worry about that later. The gist of it is, I know you've only been alive for 15 minutes, but if you want to stay alive, you need to go as fast as you possibly can and avoid all that falling crud. Otherwise we're gonna launch my twin brother like a cannon ball.
01:01:10
Speaker
Give me a animal handling or persuasion roll, your choice. o That is my second 15 in a row. And ah animal handling is... My animal handling is a plus 10. So that's a 25. Oh my lord. 25? Not bad.
01:01:30
Speaker
Not bad. Consider this animal handled. yeah The horse, like, rears its head, like, looks at you with like, wide eyes and says, i don't know what running is, and I don't know how to do it good, but maybe it would be better if I tried it with four legs. And he hops down on the four legs, and speed doubles. And...
01:01:55
Speaker
but You easily clear this this this column as it comes crashing down. You pass by the dwarven wagon and you see they've pulled out three violins and a cello and they're just playing as the column comes crashing down and blocks them from view and the race goes on.
01:02:12
Speaker
you You continue along for i You know, hey, I decided race is going be 100 miles. Hey, you know why? Because I thought it was a good number and the island looked to be roughly 100 miles in circumference. And then I was like, that's way too long. But then I read about the Tour of de France and guess what? They do 100 miles a day. So you just have to go as fast as a bunch of guys on bikes. Also, you don't have the steroids maybe, but you can make two. So it makes sense. Anyway, but it's, you know, it's really, it's it's more of a marathon, not a sprint. It's an ultra marathon, one might even say. Who says we don't have the steroids?
01:02:43
Speaker
And you run along the the coastline for a while, the Buckler Coast. And then you see the wagons in front of you are like a great distance away. But you like, you know, you're keeping up with them. You're keeping them in sight. And the terrain begins to change. it begins to morph. The columns begin to be smaller. You start to veer inland a little bit more. The ground starts to turn red and rocky and slope downwards. and you see that you are starting to enter this large red rocky valley.
01:03:13
Speaker
And you see these vibrant green plants growing out of the walls. There's these redstone walls. You see little streams that are carving their way through this space offshoots from the the river behind you.
01:03:25
Speaker
You see numerous caves with little yellow eyes peering out at you. do You see kind of like these cliffside villages where they're growing cumin and pepper and chilies, and it's just very vibrant and smells smells a little dusty, and the wagon starts to slope downwards. You begin to pick up speed, and as you reach the bottom, these stone walls kind of tower above you 30, 40, 50 feet, and you see that amongst the little pockets of water and those streams and the people watching that have come to watch from this vantage point, you see many large boulders that are kind of just like sheared off at various points and have formed and dropped in various places. And they are creating treacherous obstacles that less of a matter of speed and more of a matter of maintaining control while not losing too much speed.
01:04:16
Speaker
And you see that some of the wagons ahead of you have slowed down a bit, but you know that if you can just keep the speed up, you might be able to get right up there with them as long as you don't crash first. Ominous. Thank you.
01:04:26
Speaker
What place are we in now? I know i my breath was taken. was like, oh God.
01:04:34
Speaker
you are now in fourth place three three of the racers have crashed out the the stone shield the junk mobile and the beached whale all that remains is the white spider the battle wagon and the diamond shell and i will say you look ahead of you and you see as the white spider is running straight for one of these massive red boulders and then just blinks out of existence and appears on the other side of it, and they just maintain their speed. Meanwhile, the the diamond shell, this sparkling turtle shell, it just is, they crash right through a boulder. They don't even try and slow down. It's just diamond harder than stone, and they just crash right through and keep going, spraying debris everywhere.
01:05:11
Speaker
But this this battle wagon with the three half-elf triplets, they they're kind of in a position where they have to slow down more, and just, they don't have the equipment to just destroy boulders at will. Oh, imagine that power. Imagine. Can you imagine such an ability? I think about it all the time.
01:05:28
Speaker
But yes, what do you do? I'm getting crazy.
01:05:34
Speaker
All right. Well, what do you got, Jimson? We're closest to catching up to the triplets. Oh. Ollie cracks her knuckles. I'm going to turn triplets into twins.
01:05:47
Speaker
I'm just saying, what if we boarded and we beat them up? I'm just saying, what if we hopped on over, kicked their asses, and then hopped on back? Is that crazy? I think we can do it. Or Ollie, alternatively, we could launch you like a cannonball. That is something I've been workshopping with.
01:06:06
Speaker
you You're very eager to toss your brother. i i just think it would be awesome. Or, oh, oh, how about this? Okay, what about this? Oh, this is kind of sick. Okay, what about this? I take over steering. I'm steering.
01:06:21
Speaker
Jimson, you jump over, you start brawling, you make a distraction. Zizix, you're sneaking, you crawl up the back, you cling to the undercarriage, I don't know, you do something, you don't be seen. You hop up behind them while they're distracted, stab them in the backs or incapacitate, however you so choose. And I'm hooting and hollering over on my end, keeping them distracted and also keeping the ah cart on the rails, as it were. And we do a little old school Pilgrim Execution.
01:06:48
Speaker
Pilgrim Execution! As they say, we bring Odrajal's second fury. Alright, I think I'm ready. I'm ready to be- Alright, alright, love that don't have any questions or concerns about that, and let's do it. I think the strategy was very clear. but Zizix, any thoughts?
01:07:11
Speaker
stunned. he He's stunned. for Like in a good way though, right? ah Yes, he's also concerned, but he's like, you know what?
01:07:23
Speaker
ah Halflings are gonna halfling. And he's, I think he's like, you know what? Only one of us has to finish this race. You as long as somebody is aboard the yes and, let's do it. So we're tossing Jim and... yeah I'll perhaps climb out onto the horse and attempt to hide for his time to strike. Okay, well, I'm going to start with... Let's get a let's get a piloting roll from Oleander then. you are handed the reins and you're navigating around these boulders.
01:07:56
Speaker
Yep. Imagine I just crashed right away. That's ah dexterity, right? Yeah, I will say dexterity. That's crazy. Did you get another next one? ah No, I rolled the third 15 in a row. oh So that is a 21. Woof. You start to navigate around these boulders and you manage to keep like pretty good speed and you're keeping up at least. You're definitely not losing ground to the battle wagon ahead of you. And meanwhile, Zizix, could I get a stealth roll? And then Jim, I think we'll just say athletics if you're just trying to like cannonball your way over. I'm making a running leap. Ooh, I got a nine and then I'm adding stealth, which is plus seven. So 16.
01:08:37
Speaker
Okay. 16. Not too shabby. Yeah. You climb alongside this horse and you're kind of like blocked from view. The horse, his eye is like pressed up next to you and it's like looking at you and it's like, It has no idea what's going on still, but it has been taught to run and it is running and it's running. Oh, it's running so fast and good. And you watch as Jim throws himself off of the wagon into the air.
01:09:03
Speaker
Uh, I rolled another k nat one, so I re-rolled it. That's crazy. My two rolls so far are the nat ones. But I re-rolled it and I got a nine and I have a seven athletics. So that's also a six.
01:09:15
Speaker
Okay. In for cannonball. Yeah. You watch as Jimson trips and then somehow manages to like land in a handspring position and just presses off the wagon and goes sailing through the air in a perfect somersault.
01:09:28
Speaker
That halfling luck kicks in and Jimson lands on the back of the wagon. And the three triplets are like, there this is quite unusual. How peculiar. This isn't right at all. And they they draw weapons and go to attack you. Zizix, what are you doing from your stealth position on the horse? They do not know you're there. And they are at the moment quite distracted by your ally.
01:09:49
Speaker
All right. I listened to the last episode recently and Zizix in a crucial moment shot a one handed crossbow oh from a cage. Yes, he did.
01:10:00
Speaker
i am going to attempt to steady the crossbow on the horse's back and fire. a single bolt at we'll say the largest or the furthest foe from jimson to hopefully reduce the chance of piercing them okay amazing give me an attack roll with advantage because you are hidden oh we're gonna we're gonna re-roll that The second roll is a 17. There we go.
01:10:32
Speaker
There we go. The triplet's final words are, how peculiar. As this bolt catches him in the shoulder and he just goes spinning off the wagon and you go racing past him. The two on the on the wagon are going to try and strike at you, Jimson.
01:10:47
Speaker
Are you raging? Yeah. old When I land on their wagon, I will go into a rage. Okay. One rolls a natural 20 and one rolls a 15.
01:10:58
Speaker
So you will take, Ooh, they rolled very bad on the actual damage though. You would take five damage reduced to and seven damage reduced to three. So you take five damage total. total Okay. As you enter this rage and just like a battle, a battle rage takes over and you barely feel these, these attacks as they hit you.
01:11:21
Speaker
What would you like to do in response? will attack, obviously. i will take my great axe and just swing at the closest. Are these elves? Half elves.
01:11:32
Speaker
Half elves. I will swing at the closest one. Okay. They're going to be half elves when you're done with them. That's great. KO. So i rolled a plus hit That's a hit.
01:11:47
Speaker
Don't forget to get a plus two to damage rolls because you're raging. Ooh, so 10 damage total then. Amazing. ah Do you want to make a second attack while you're at it? Yes.
01:11:57
Speaker
Two attacks. That's wild. I've never played this high level of character, so that's pretty sweet. Yeah, gets fun. 13 plus seven is a a natural 20. Another hit Give me another damage roll. That's 13 on the second hit. I don't care for that at all. How ghoulish. As they also get sent flying off of this wagon and if you you stand alone upon it. You are now piloting this battle wagon pulled by these two cassowaries and you're running down this wagon. I'm going to need an immediate piloting check from you, Jimson. Oh, okay. Well, it's not good. Two plus two plus three. You watch as the birds start to freak out and they actually like turn to attack you. We'll say they attack you. You got the HP to spare. I don't don't even mind. These two birds turn to attack you. One rolls a natural one, which is fitting as it goes to attack you and just like trips and the wagon flips over and you get sent flying into the air, but not before the other one gets a bite in on you. And you will take eight piercing damage reduced to four.
01:13:00
Speaker
as this large beak just pierces you and you get sent flying up into the air. Ollie, you watch your brother go sailing. Sail!
01:13:14
Speaker
what are you What are you doing? Oh, gosh. I truly have, like, I'm not a versatile character. Like, I could charm a bird and send a bird to say my goodbyes kind of a thing. Yeah, our opponents knew what they were doing when they kidnapped our wizard. ah yeah Truly. So Jimson has been launched into the air. Mm-hmm.
01:13:39
Speaker
Could I reach up from the horse in an attempt to grab a limb? Sure. give me a yeah Give me an acrobatics check, we'll say. You know what I was holding my air aloft as if the camera was on and anybody could see me. Okay. I could feel it. Ooh.
01:13:58
Speaker
So it's 13 plus four acrobatics. Okay, that's a 17. I'm all right with the 17. As is Jimson, as you balance upon the back of this horse and reach out and grab him and kind of just like carry the momentum around and fling him back into the wagon. And he lands next to Ollie and he's like, hur, hur. as the rage kind of wears off in that moment.
01:14:21
Speaker
And the race continues. You wind through this this ravine, this valley. it's It's beautiful. It's vibrant. It's very dangerous. But you managed to navigate it well. And we carry out. You watch once again, the terrain begins to change. And it goes from this red into a pink into a white.
Salt Desert Encounter and Spider Observations
01:14:41
Speaker
As the valley walls peel open, they fade away behind you, and you run out into a vast salt desert. At the far end across the way, you see a forest that the other wagons are headed towards. There's only three of you remaining now, but there are good ways in front of you, and you see white salt for as far as you can see. Well, not as far as you can see. We already established. You can see a jungle beyond that. but for a very far way, many miles all the same. And there's like these natural like hexagonal patterns that have formed within the salt from the the salt and the water interacting and evaporating. It's made this natural pattern across the salt desert. You see some of those white and blue spiders walking freely off in the distance. You see some of them that are being ridden upon by dragonborn. They appear to be almost like using them a piece of burden and they're riding across the desert.
01:15:34
Speaker
It's nothing but a sprint in this part. It doesn't seem that there's any like navigating to do so much as just go in a straight line as fast as you can. And I think the three of you have a chance to catch your breath and reconvene as the sun begins to burn a little, little brighter in the sky. I know it's only been like 45 minutes of gameplay, but it's been like several hours of racing at this point. The the horse is like, I'm running. I'm doing good. I'm a good boy. i think that would feel better if it came from someone else, but I don't know why. You're doing just fine.
01:16:04
Speaker
Thank you. Thank you. And you're you're not my father, though. He is. And the horse raises up a hoof, points it at Zizix, and then nearly stumbles and like puts the hoof back down it gets back to four legs. But yeah, you've got a moment to to reconvene and to converse as as as needed.
01:16:20
Speaker
Are we assuming I've climbed off of the horse and I'm also back in the wagon? Unless you want to be just surfing across the desert on a horse, which sounds pretty cool. You know what? I'll stay chillin' on the horse, but I've definitely, like, turned around like a cool teacher, sittin' on the horse. You know what? Regardless of how we do today, I want to say I'm really proud of y'all.
01:16:42
Speaker
Although, Jensen, I was... Last adventure, we almost lost our wizard. This adventure, we lost our wizard. And I feared I almost lost you, and he kind of hides a tear.
01:16:55
Speaker
Aww. i I knew you would catch me. was all part of the cannonball plan. okay The cannonball brothers. ah Now, we're the only set of triplets left in this competition.
01:17:14
Speaker
Aww! You're an honorary ah thorn apple now.
Emotional Team Bonding
01:17:19
Speaker
You sure are. there ah There's now two streams of tears.
01:17:26
Speaker
it's It's a little salty here. Don't. It's just pretending that it's the dry weather. You feel a heavy hand upon your cheek as Sudsy reaches over and wipes the tear away, leaving a streak of suds behind. you see his hand is just a little bit smaller than it was before. yeah Right in the eye.
01:17:49
Speaker
Sudsy, we're lucky to have you too, bud. a Also, shout out to Sudsy. This guy has been running at the pace of a racehorse.
01:18:01
Speaker
Sullivan Sivan really did a great job building this guy. If only he'd lived to work out the last few kinks. It's a shame he died. Mm-hmm. real a real savant of of soap alchemy i hope history will remember him as such That's the genius madman he was.
01:18:23
Speaker
All right, y'all. There's only, ah what, two more thingies in front of us? What what do we got? We got two more sabotage gambits. Let's make them spectacular. Our plan's been working fla flawlessly, I might say, so far. Yeah, we're really good at this. We're almost at that turtle.
Crafting Rope Tools for Strategy
01:18:41
Speaker
So I have a lot of rope.
01:18:43
Speaker
I have a lot of rope. You do have a hundred feet of rope available. I have a hundred feet of rope. I'm wondering if in this time we each fashion a lasso.
01:18:56
Speaker
Just in case. Yeehaw, let's do it. Like, I think if I toss, like, you know, let's say 20 feet back to Jimson, who is not on a horse or piloting the cart. I'm on it.
01:19:10
Speaker
You know what? Regardless of what they say about you, Jimson, I always admired your handicraft, your propensity for tying rope. And they are saying things about you, Jimson. What are they saying about my rope skills? Horrible, nasty, barbarous things about you.
01:19:29
Speaker
Oh, I like channel my anger into making the most intricate like rope net. Rage-fueled. Rage-fueled crafting. Yeah. I'll show them. You know, the thing I'm going to miss about our our cart the most is all those flower pot macrame. Well, Jimson will make more. He's so fast at it. What do I roll to make a rope net?
01:19:55
Speaker
ah Give me a sleight of hand roll. Everyone who's making ah a rope a rope tool. That's a four.
01:20:04
Speaker
I have a plus 10 in sleight of hand, so my awful roll of six is made up four by my cat-like reflexes. Not so awful. Oleander? I'm still driving. Am I allowed to do macrame while I drive? I'll say it takes you a little longer, but you you can you can make it work. Oh, I'm ruling so well tonight. Let's say Jimson gets frustrated with his rope and switches spots with Ollie so she can fix it him.
01:20:33
Speaker
Thanks, buddy. That's going to be a dirty 20. Amazing. Yeah, you tie off a wonderful lasso. Jimson, you look over at Jimson who's made like a net and it looks just like a coil of rope and you're like, oh, buddy.
01:20:47
Speaker
And the race carries on.
Rainforest Chaos and Monkey Protest
01:20:50
Speaker
We'll say you cross the desert, there's no major incidents. You see off in the distance like a sinkhole opens up, but it's far enough away from you. You don't even just sweat it. You see a couple of these teleporting spiders crawl out of it and you're like, ah, not our problem. You see a worm crest in the distance, one of those big dune worms and you're like, yeah No big deal. It's all like two miles away and you cross the desert with no incidents. It's it's easy. In fact, you could be hubristic if you wanted, but who cares? You're off into the sweetbark rainforest.
01:21:18
Speaker
Moisture enters your your your your lungs. Well, no, that'd be pneumonia. Moisture enters enters the air around you as the the salt desert behind you gives way to this lush rainforest. You hear birds and monkeys and Oleander, it is overwhelming. They're like, I'm a monkey. Are you okay? Do you wish to be in prison? Hello, brother. Should we free you? have Brother, what has happened to you on this day? And he's like, no, no, it's fine. I want to be in the cage. I want to be in the cage. oh My destiny is ahead of me, not behind me.
01:21:50
Speaker
The parents are I'm a bird. I am also a bird. And you're like, gosh, I hate this spell. This spell is so terrible. Oh no. I love this spell. Cause if I may jump in, I'm going to open the cage and take monkey out. I'm going to say, I believe my friend that it is your moment.
01:22:09
Speaker
Are you ready?
01:22:12
Speaker
I don't know. Right. Okay, so here's here's what I was thinking that you would intuit because I thought it was so obvious. You are going to go up into these trees, you're going to arrange a cabal of monkeys, and you are going to, as a group, attack a vehicle and overturn it and then cause havoc in that vehicle. How's that sound?
01:22:31
Speaker
Do a little bit of organizing, community organizing, meet some friends, build some connections, and then cause some carnage. I thought I would die in a blaze of glory, not as a community organizer, but I think community organization is one of the most valuable things we can do in a functioning society. And it would be an honor to die as a community organizer. And he jumps out of the cage, springs off your off your head, up into the trees, and you hear, come with me, brothers. We are going to organize a protest.
01:22:59
Speaker
I just took care of that cart, guys. Don't even worry about it. We're in second place now. Jimson, you're piloting, so I'm going to need a ah piloting check from you. As you're whipping through these massive cinnamon trees, you see that some of them have the bark peeled away, and you see like this brown, earthy color. It smells fragrant and vibrant. Eleander, you hear in the distance, I am a panther, and I will eat the protesting monkeys. And the um race continues. Give me that driver check, please. Yeah, ah that was a nat 20 plus two. You catch up with the other racers.
01:23:32
Speaker
oh But it's not because you go particularly fast. You manage to avoid hitting any trees. Vines are like whipping past you. You're ducking under these low branches, though you don't have to duck far. Let's be real. And you make it through. sub he is brushing up against these big leafy plants and leaving little flecks of bubbles on each of them as he runs past. And you catch up with the other drivers. But it is because you hear...
01:23:55
Speaker
Well, you hear the chattering of a thousand monkeys, whereas Oleander, you hear organized chants and you see that the other wagons have stopped as there is a picket line blocking the racetrack and all of the other two racers have just come to a complete stop and the monkeys are saying, No more racing until we get bananas.
01:24:15
Speaker
We want bananas. We don't want races. And i am a monkey is like, OK, we probably should have worked on this better. But you know what? Hey, in a world of chariots called Yes And, it's hard to come up with protests without much notice in advance. So we want bananas. And the other drivers look at you and they're like, what the hell is going on here?
01:24:35
Speaker
This is crazy. They've got signs. And they have signs. megaphones. i I love that the monkeys come together and they're like, we need to fight the spending of this island nation for lavish races for monkey food security. Shout out monkeys. Somehow we always get some food security in these episodes and it's never planned, but it's always perfect. are out These animals are are truly, truly a bright spot in the world of za They really are.
01:25:11
Speaker
And I'm going to the other drivers like get off and they just stretch their legs and open up some like saltines and they're just munching, drinking some electrolytes. Can we go through? No, this is a protest. You can't pass. our are you oh Are you a scab? Are you a scab?
01:25:28
Speaker
Bring us bananas and then maybe you can pass. This is so the the picket line has stopped three race cards. Yes. Oh, wow. This was exceptionally effective.
01:25:43
Speaker
Okay. Ollie, what are their demands? What are they asking for? Oh, I'm the only one who can speak to the monkeys. Oh, this is a massive advantage. Okay, everybody huddle up. I don't want anybody overhearing. Sure, because we see a thousand monkeys just screaming at us angry. What do they want, Ollie? What do they want? Bananas. They want, they want, don't tell anybody. They want bananas.
01:26:05
Speaker
I have a horrible idea. That's the best kind. So if you can engage in some kind of dialogue between the other racers and the monkeys, I have two pits on my patches.
01:26:23
Speaker
So if you remove the racers, I can just put a pit under both carts, sinking them, saving lives, and then we trot onto victory.
01:26:39
Speaker
I like the way you think. And then maybe Jimson, you could work on getting some bananas to buy us a way through the line of monkeys so they don't be chasing us. And then I think that's a perfect plan. But shoot, you organize a e banana brigade. Yep. And I stealth to some sabotage, and we can have a leisurely trot to the most money we've ever made. All right. are in a rainforest. Are there any banana trees? You know, it is a spice island primarily, but you need some food sources. Spiced bananas?
01:27:11
Speaker
Well, you know what? I'm going to say, give me like a survival check. Is you spiced bananas? Nope, no spiced bananas. Spiced bananas. That's for oragings Yeah, you venture off into the jungle and you what look around and you see you see a big cluster of bananas up in a tree nearby and you're monkeys could probably get their own bananas, but all right.
01:27:36
Speaker
It's our first time organizing a protest. Maybe they haven't exactly figured out the the nuance of collective action. What's important is that you get together and you go out, you know?
01:27:46
Speaker
they're They've done the hard part. Yeah, they're bringing attention to the issue. Yes! And that's having a conversation. And I'm proud of them. Uh, Jason, how do you want to get these bananas down? They're pretty high up. i'm gonna say like, oh, you know, 30 feet. It's a big tree.
01:28:01
Speaker
I chop it. Chop it. Okay. Yeah, you take your axe you just cut this tree down and... crashes to the ground. a lot of the bananas get like mushed into paste, but enough of them are intact. Oli, you hear from the jungle, I am the big monkey at the top of the tree. Ah!
01:28:20
Speaker
ye
01:28:24
Speaker
And Jimson comes back with as like a yeah massive cluster of bananas. While this is happening, Zizix, you look at the two black holes on your shoulder pads of this sort like over the shoulders of your of your robe. And you look at those two wagons, the the diamond turtle shell, the diamond shell, and the white spider.
01:28:43
Speaker
And you try and sneak up, I guess. Yes, I reckon. yeah Absolutely. Okay, give me a stealth roll. 17 plus stealth, which is another seven.
01:28:56
Speaker
So that is a 24. Amazing. Nice. You jump off your wagon and the guy who's eating the saltine is like, Salty. And you slip past him and one of the other drivers, this ah this kobold is like, geez, boss, how long you think this thing is going to take? And he says, as long as it needs to. we need to hear their demands and make sure they get some bananas. And you That's right. I can speak monkey too. And you reach up and you carefully remove these two shoulder patches.
01:29:31
Speaker
And I'll say like, like a couple of frisbees. You just chuck them underneath these two wagons. Yeah. And you watch as two 10 foot wide holes appear in the ground
Competitor Sabotage for Advantage
01:29:43
Speaker
completely. completely swallowing these wagons.
01:29:45
Speaker
They disappear into the ground with a crash as Jimson comes running up bananas in hand. The monkeys go bananas and they like climb all over him. Just you, he disappears from view. And the guy eating the saltines is like, he doesn't fall into the hole, but his wagon does. He's we'll say he's the tortle. He's like, my wagon.
01:30:03
Speaker
And if you're like, gotta go. You jump on your wagon and you take off. ripping out of the jungle the ground begins to slope upwards and you enter the gods drawn highlands there are these just rocky lush cliff sides off in the distance you see this massive stone castle with banners bearing that diamond turtle shell symbol on them and you see just like hundreds of people many of them turtles gathered on like the on the walkways the and the the walls of this this keep and they look and there's like cheers and then they see that your wagon is the one in first and there's like a murmur of confusion and uh the three of you are like hell yeah we did it we won the race we just have to get down these switchbacks you see these these switchbacks that lead down kind of towards a beach and then beyond that is the jungle or like the forest with the river which leads to the the capital city easy money right perhaps you let the horse slow down a bit sudsy takes a breather though he doesn't need to breathe and you have once again a moment to yourselves as you essentially are on a victory lap yeah i spy with my little eye something that is green oh is it um is it the word of the day pin
01:31:21
Speaker
No, but it was a turtle. ah but yeah Wait, I'm not supposed to tell you again. Darn it. As you say turtle, you hear a cheer emerge from the the castle and then it fades to like, once again, confused muttering and you glance behind you and you see the white spider missing two of its
Final Chase with Teleporting Spider
01:31:44
Speaker
legs. We forgot about them! With the ability to teleport.
01:31:48
Speaker
has rejoined the race. They're perhaps a hundred feet behind you, but the spiders are running and every like every few seconds they blink forward along with the wagon and they are catching up as you run along. You've got a lead, but it's not not a big one as you hit these switchbacks and it's like very, it's precarious. If you go too fast, you round these corners too quickly, you're gonna topple off into the ocean onto the beach below. i Last I checked, Jimson is driving. Who's driving now, actually? You guys got off. So who's the driver at this for this leg? I'm happy to drive because I think you two both ended up kind of doing stuff with the last plan. So I kind of imagined Ollie like getting the cart ready to go at a moment's notice.
01:32:28
Speaker
Yeah. Start the cart. Yeah, exactly. Yeah, yeah. I'm going to go. I'm going to go.
01:32:36
Speaker
Okay, so what do we have on hand? Any spider repellent handy? You reach into your bag and you pull out the can of spider repellent and you shake it. Ah, empty. Damn. We used all. All out of deet. Okay, we have plenty of rope. So much rope.
01:32:52
Speaker
I also have two lanterns full of oil and lit. what What do you got, Jim? jim Uh, in my pack, only javelins, pretty much. Just javelins.
01:33:06
Speaker
Normal ones. I used up good one. A javelin man, if there ever was one. Oh, uh, oh, oh, uh, what did you, what was your special item that we traded the oil for?
01:33:21
Speaker
Like a belt of dwarven kind, I think. What does that do? what Yeah, what does that do? Well, first off, you know dwarvish. Your constitution increases by two to a maximum of 20. At the beginning of each day, you have a 50% chance of growing a full beard or a thicker beard if you already have one. Nice. And you also have an advantage on persuasion checks made to interact with dwarves, which I envisioned a world where that might be beneficial with the dwarf wagon, but wasn't necessary because you got past you back up past the column. No problems. Excellent.
01:33:53
Speaker
Well, I say we should drop everything this cart has. it still has a spike trap and a... ah What does it have? The dust thing? Oh my gosh! yeah! Yes!
01:34:03
Speaker
Yes! The dust... the The dust sheet... The sheet of metal that causes the dust and the spikes... Yeah, if we do that at the same time, the dust should obscure the spikes.
01:34:15
Speaker
Yes, genius. And if they make it through that, we toss every net and lasso at all those eight stupid legs. I guess six stupid legs. o All right, action team, go. we drop all the traps.
01:34:29
Speaker
Ollie, give me a driving check, please. Oh my gosh. Yeah, that's a 18 plus six. That's a 24. I took all the good rolls for myself tonight. All of it was mine. Love it. You go running down this switchback. You're just like talking to the horse. You're like not even like, you know, piloting. You're just like, yeah all right, turn left. Now turn right. Now turn left.
01:34:52
Speaker
Okay. Yeah, whittling a turtle. Yeah. feet up on the dash. And as the white spider gets closer, I'll say one of you slams the button, the other pulls the lever, it slows you down a bit, which honestly for this part of the ride, not too bad. And you drop these spikes and there's a bunch of dust that kicks up. It slows you down, but you you keep on. And after a little bit, you maybe push the lever back into place and it ah retracts the duster.
01:35:19
Speaker
There's probably a better name for it, but it's called the Duster now. yeah And you continue along and you hear a crash from within the dust cloud as those spikes find their mark and the glass structure shatters.
01:35:31
Speaker
And you make it down to this beach and it's like packed sand and you you're running along it. Sudsy looks at the ocean and says bo he doesn't like it. And you continue along.
01:35:43
Speaker
sand kicking up behind you and big, big clouds. And you look back once more and you see dragonborn with four kobolds on his lap, riding atop one of these spiders racing after you. And it keeps blinking forward and they're like holding on and they like bam, out of existence and then reappear. And once again, you've got a lead and they don't really have a wagon. And maybe there's a rule that says that you need a wagon to cross the finish line. But frankly, you don't know the rules either. And so you run back across this beach and you find that river and you're on the opposite side of it and you run along it and the people start cheering as you reenter the city and you enter the Thousand Taste Market and there's still vendors selling just like these massive lamb legs and these skewers of massive shrimp. And there's just spices everywhere and one angry dragonborn atop a spider behind you with four kobolds. And I'm going to say he grabs the kobolds, two in each hand, and just chucks them at your weapon.
01:36:43
Speaker
What do you do? oh Oh, God. I have one mind to net them. Yeah, me too. But yeah, our nets. But I wonder if, what what weapon do you have, Jibzen?
01:36:56
Speaker
I have a great axe and a lot of throwing weapons. I could try to intercept them with my hand axes or a javelin. Yeah, alright. Yeah, because I'm sure you could kind of bat them out of the air.
01:37:11
Speaker
i am going to, you know what, I'm going to attempt another crossbow shot. okay at them in air sure because if it misses and they land then i can i can start slashing right so i'm gonna i'm gonna do the long shot 11. 11. i will say with an 11 the matrix style all four of them matrix it in the air and and it frankly so far it doesn't really work very well they kind of just backflip and then like come up short but then one of them manages to grab on to like the the back of your wagon and one grabs onto him and one grabs onto him And there's just four kobolds dragging off the back of your wagon. And the crowd's like, oh, good heavens, violence. I always knew there was violence in the Golden Circuit, but it's one thing to hear about it. It's not as a witness at first hand. We really ought to codify the rules so you can murder your competitors. But hey, what can you do? The rules are the rules. okay
01:38:07
Speaker
Can I lean down and pry his hand off of our wagon? Yeah, give me a contested athletics check. Oh, thank God. Some good rolls. That is 25.
01:38:18
Speaker
He looks at you in the like looks at you with these big glassy eyes. Please, don't do this.
01:38:31
Speaker
so much regret. I'm sorry. i have to. Something bad will happen if you do this. Only to you, not to me. And I rip his head off. four of them go tumbling away and the dragonborn on the spider watches you. His spider is exhausted and he watches as you rip away through the market and gets off and stamps his foot. He takes off his hat. He was wearing a hat. He crumples up and he bites it. He goes, ah, drat. I really wanted to win. And you, the crowd erupts into cheers as you re-enter the main street that this race started on. And you see the finish line ahead of you.
01:39:13
Speaker
And frankly, there's nothing else dramatic that can happen. You've beaten your way through the crowd. You've organized a monkey protest. You know what? Something does happen. You see a procession of monkeys passing in front of you right at the finish line.
01:39:29
Speaker
Sadzi! Ow! It's time! It's time. No, no, no, we can't squash a monkey rebellion. No, no.
01:39:41
Speaker
We can leap over them, though. so Yes. Oh, if the horse stops fast enough and I drop my, iu oh, we untether the horse. The cart is going forward. I drop my immovable rod.
01:39:54
Speaker
The cart will hit it and we will be launched over the line of monkeys and over the finish line. You launch through the air and you see that it's not a monkey protest nor a monkey rebellion.
01:40:09
Speaker
It is a monkey processional as a group of monkeys carry a coffin and one of them has a sign that says, thank you for a lifetime of dedicated service. I am a monkey. And... We'll give you tumble over the finish line.
01:40:25
Speaker
Fireworks explode. Spice dust gets flung up into the air. It's colorful. it's It's vibrant. Crowd is cheering. The man who hired you, Boat, runs through the crowd and says, you did it. You did it. Oh, I always knew you could.
Race Victory and Employer Celebration
01:40:39
Speaker
ah I'm so glad I destroyed your wagon and made you race for me. knew it. I knew it.
01:40:45
Speaker
He throws a thousand gold pieces to you and says, thanks for your work. I'll get the favor of my nature spirit and do well in the harvest this year. And before you can yell at him or chastise him or bring him to justice, you see your friend Henry Moonlighter III emerge from the crowd and he opens his mouth to say something. Ugh, says he cleaned up this mess.
01:41:03
Speaker
And that's where we'll stop tonight's episode of Bard Soup.
01:41:08
Speaker
Thank you very much.
01:41:22
Speaker
Nick, thank you so much for joining us for this podcast on One Shot.
Ottawa Food Bank Challenges and Discussion
01:41:26
Speaker
It's been amazing having you. And I'm hoping we can kind of just talk a bit about Ottawa Food Bank and food insecurity and the state of affairs in 2026. Absolutely. Yeah. Thank you so much for having me back. It's a real honor.
01:41:40
Speaker
It's an honor for us. So I was reading through the hunger report that the Ottawa Food Bank put out for for this past year. And I saw there was a ah pair of graphs looking at Ontario and Ottawa's poverty levels.
01:41:56
Speaker
And it looked like things were really trending down leading into the pandemic. And then ever since then, they've just been going right back up. And Yeah, that's like really, I i saw that and I was it was, it was really saddening because it seemed like real progress was being made. And then, you know, obviously the pandemic was a horrible thing and it seemed like it really impeded a lot of progress that was being made. And I'm just wondering if you could speak to that and perhaps if there's new data coming in that shows if it's a continuing trend or if it seems like we can maybe get back down to those 2018, 2019 levels. Yeah. And I think that's um like you hit the you hit the nail right on the head. And I started maybe...
01:42:36
Speaker
maybe six, six to eight months right before COVID like really hit. And so I kind of got a taste of what it was like before and then really how we adapted through it.
01:42:47
Speaker
And it really was very much that COVID pushed a lot of people who were like kind of just getting by. And it pushed them over the edge into needing support. And we haven't bounced back as a city. And I think perhaps broadly as a province, um there's plenty of great data for um Feed Ontario and Foodbanks Canada as well that I encourage everybody listening to go and check out as well. There are incredible organizations that also support us.
01:43:14
Speaker
And it's it's rough. I mean, back in the day, I was in the warehouse and I could pack all the orders for all the food banks across the city myself. And I'm not a big fella. I'm not. You know, I was only working full time. It's not like I was pulling ridiculous hours.
Pandemic Impact on Food Bank Demand
01:43:31
Speaker
And we've exploded as an organization. I mean, now we're back then, I think we're a staff of maybe 30 or 35. We're now a staff of more than 60. Need has increased.
01:43:44
Speaker
ah Visits have increased more than 101% since um the 2018-2019 fiscal year. um I just double-checked it on my other screen. And we felt that, and we felt that immediately. And it was really sustained. We started a program which would do home deliveries.
01:44:02
Speaker
obviously because it would it would bring the food right to people and kind of get around some of the health issues of maybe going to the local food bank and very quickly that became incredibly expensive and obviously covid didn't go away and the longer it was around the more people we had agencies go from some of our smallest agencies to some of the largest, just in terms of like the area it was serving was really hard hit because it had a lot of people who, again, were like kind of right on the cusp of needing support, maybe a demographic that was like dealing more paycheck to paycheck. And we saw that like
01:44:42
Speaker
We were getting less requests for food, even though we're kind of like more of a macro organization who provides food to other food banks. We saw whenever CERB came out, the demands from the food banks immediately dipped. It was like the week it happened. And then when CERB would finish, demand would just spike back up. So it was really clear that CERB was effective to the demographic that really needed it And it was so clear that it's like, okay, people are just like teetering on the edge here. And there hasn't been a really systemic solution to the problem.
01:45:15
Speaker
It moved a large group of people into this demographic that now you need food supports. And it's just kind of kept them there. And there's only been so much to really pull people up and out. And City of Ottawa did announce that they're spending...
01:45:28
Speaker
I want to use my words carefully, but they're cheap they're spending certainly more and very specific money in the upcoming year. And it's it's really wonderful that people on our staff, like Alex Nero, who is our advocacy officer, is being heard and is reaching people. And it's really tough because we, for the longest time, didn't have an advocacy officer. But a lot of the food banks and the food, um we we refer to them as agencies kind of in the industry because they're kind of a member of our network, but they're all independent.
01:45:59
Speaker
And it's clear that a lot of them don't have a ton of full-time staff. You know, people think of the Mission and Salvation Army of having these really broad and robust staff. And I mean, they do incredible work, but they're not the average food bank. They're really the outliers. They're really the largest. They're the biggest dogs in the yard and they do incredible stuff. But the average food bank doesn't have staff who can do really aggressive fundraising. They don't have staff member and time to advocate. So a lot of them came to us after many conversations with the network and they said, we need you to scream from the rooftops because the rest of us can't. can't. And it's really, it's really emblematic of the problem that the that the rest of the city is facing of that, like they're being kept in these situations where they're working all the time.
01:46:49
Speaker
They're still barely paying bills. They barely can afford to eat and they don't have time to go out and be like, there's a problem here. And it's really silent. You know, it's not all people really think of like, you know, ah King Edward street. And that's where the problem is, is in the city. And We support almost 100 food programs across the city, and that's from east to west, north to south. There's not a neighborhood that isn't supported by these programs, but the numbers haven't dropped.
01:47:19
Speaker
And COVID was really an inciting incident of just, we're pushing folks over the edge, and too bad. Now things are just more expensive.
Economic Pressures and Donation Trends
01:47:28
Speaker
I mean, tariffs don't help, but what can you do?
01:47:31
Speaker
Yeah, i was I was going to bring up the tariffs because when we last spoke a year ago, that had just started to appear on the horizon. It had just kind of started to become a topic of conversation. It's really amazing how much has changed a year. There's new federal government. The tariffs, of course, are in full swing and a kind of ongoing thing. And I guess I want to talk about both of those things, but maybe we could start with the the tariffs. And yeah, is that just that like it seems like that's a contributing factor, maybe not the the largest contributing factor to this increasing problem. But how have you seen that impact people's food insecurity over the last year?
01:48:05
Speaker
Yeah, I mean, it's, it's obviously, we can't necessarily pinpoint it to exactly one problem. But i mean, that's definitely a contributing factor. But you know, we're all on this rock together. So if there's instability In one part of the world, it's going to affect us here at home as well. you know It's shipping costs, it's farming costs, and all of it trickles down. So we're spending more money on food than we ever have.
01:48:32
Speaker
And it's not necessarily correlating to more food being shipped. and it's tough because we are also seeing people trending more towards financial donations than physical donations like what we might call in-kind donations like food which is incredible and we really appreciate that people have heard hey money goes further we can spend money a lot more fluidly a truck breaks down great we have accessible funds to fix it and get it back on the road oh there's a demand for halal meat
01:49:03
Speaker
Great. We have the funds to be able to purchase that when we need it, but it's tough as well because when we're purchasing food, it's in bulk. And so it's, you know, if we're ordering a tractor trailer load worth of soup, there's probably only going to be so much variety of soup.
01:49:19
Speaker
In those, ah you know, 2325 pallets. Whereas when people donate stuff, you get the chunky beef stew, you get the, you know, you get the chicken soup, you get that variety in there, that is really necessary. And the folks that are living, you know reliant on these programs, sometimes miss, you know,
01:49:40
Speaker
And there are some, you know, we don't buy everything under the sun. We buy the staples, but things like cookies, maybe like, you know, snacks for children, right? Like we're always looking for kids snacks, ah diapers. These amounts of things are also being donated less. So it's tough, but we're continuing with really like broad food drives, right in grocery stores. That's still been successful. And we're looking, you know, if you see a food drive, if you see your bin at your local grocery store, dropping can in,
01:50:10
Speaker
every week, every other week really goes a long way not just adding that variety, but also um that sustainability from our inventory standpoint. But you know, we're always finding new vendors, we're creating new relationships, and working a lot more in the food, what we might call like food recovery. Okay, a distributor has a palette of something that might be too short dated,
01:50:35
Speaker
For a grocery store, it's going to take a month to ship a place. They have to stock it, inventory it, get it on the shelves. Maybe it's not good anymore. Whereas we can ship it out and it can be you know on somebody's plate in under a week. Sure. Right?
01:50:50
Speaker
So the situation is changing. The situation is fluid, but so are we. And we're changing to, to adapt as best we can, continuing to bulk buy and continuing to expand our services. Like we have, um, oh my gosh, we have like a we call it like the food. my gosh. What do we call it? It's like a food packing area where we can buy really large kilogram bags of rice And obviously nobody wants to carry that home on the bus. sure yeah It's too much. And that's when they can catch a bus. And that's a whole separate issue these folks are facing largely, but we can repack it, seal it. It has the nutrition label on it. So we're finding new and init in new and innovative ways to still bulk purchase, but still get things into manageable portions.
01:51:40
Speaker
for the everyday people of Ottawa and be able to pass those savings on and maybe do some more of the work here in-house so that somebody like Gloucester Food Cover, somewhere like the Mission, doesn't have to do this repacking if they don't have to. And we can do a little more of that in-house. So we're testing that. It's going really well. We're hoping to really expand those services as well to other products. So to help kind of take that burden off of these agencies that are already doing so much. That's that's really great. That's awesome.
01:52:11
Speaker
have you observed or is there any um information about the impact of variety on people's decision to access a food bank? Does that make sense? You know, like if it was like serving yeah tomato soup and rice and that was the only thing you could get, I imagine, or I could imagine where that might, some people might be like, I can't, I can't do more tomato soup and rice. You know what i mean? Like, so have you, have you answered anything like that? Or is like, there, is there like, you know, like a tangible benefit other than like, obviously varieties, grape, is there like any other impacts? And I will, if there is an answer, I'll rephrase the question, but, uh, No, no. I think it's kind of yes and no. Yeah. But it's less so much in variety of like brand, even though like obviously like I do hear like that's that that's greatly appreciated, especially from folks who are really relying on this, you know, maybe more than, you know, more than one visit a year, you know.
01:52:58
Speaker
But we're in constant contact with our agencies to see, hey, how are your demographics changing? What are you seeing requests for more? Like there was a ah year or two where we were getting lots of demands for sweet potato, yams, and okra.
01:53:14
Speaker
Great. So we planted it at the farm. We grew it for two years. It did really well. And then we found that demand wasn't coming in. So, okay, great. We'll shift our crops at the community harvest farm.
01:53:25
Speaker
It's our farm out ah out in the West End. But we we see maybe more of those things, especially like especially around COVID. you know it really Because we were shining a light on you know these groups of people who might be new to accessing these services, the demographics did change a little bit. And we were seeing a really large and increased demand for halal meat and halal options.
01:53:49
Speaker
So obviously those were there, but we had to take a look at how we were purchasing protein and purchasing chicken and beef and fish. And okay, if we need more halal options, then we're going to find suppliers. We're going to find options to make that happen.
01:54:07
Speaker
But those conversations happen every year. And we have dedicated staff who are relationship builders entrepreneurs. who have those conversations with agencies on a daily, weekly, monthly, yearly basis to be like, hey, is what we're providing working for anybody? If it's not, we're going to change it. And those can be really small and really large changes. But yeah, where we we tweak things every year.
01:54:28
Speaker
yeah We tweak things every year for sure. Aside from like, You know, some of those staples, the baby food, the diapers, devastating and such a huge demand for it. But that's a constant. Rice is a constant. Past is a constant. But yeah, we're we're always constantly tweaking those things to to serve Ottawa as its demographics change and as its needs change.
01:54:48
Speaker
as As we briefly alluded to, since the last time we did this, Mark Carney the new Prime Minister of Canada. And I bring this up because one of the things that stood out to me last year was that the Ottawa Food Bank received zero funding from either the province or the federal
Funding and Advocacy Needs for Food Bank
01:55:06
Speaker
government. And it seems like that has carried into this most recent hunger report, where again,
01:55:10
Speaker
there's been no provincial or federal funding for this program for your organization. Is there any indication that a new government, perhaps a opportunity to receive some form of funding or does it seem like business as usual?
01:55:26
Speaker
And I guess if it is business as usual, is there any advice you could give for on like an advocacy standpoint? Because it seems to me that this is something that our tax dollars should be supporting. This seems like one of the most important things that, you know, the government could spend money on. Yeah. Food's a human right, right? Yeah. um I've heard that actually. Yeah. Yeah. um I laugh to keep myself from crying. But personally, admittedly, you know, I'm i'm an events fundraiser. I'm a community engagement guy. So it's it's it's not my exact field of specialization. So I haven't exactly heard any any whispers or anything like that about how that might change. But
01:56:04
Speaker
I'm always going to say, tell your local representative how you feel, you know, politely, please. I don't bandwagon or, you know, do anything silly, but vote with your dollar vote, speak your mind and tell folks how you feel and let them know that this is a travesty. You know, um there's plenty of amazing statistics that we do in-house that feed Ontario does that food banks, Canada does.
01:56:31
Speaker
So, you know, if, If you can't contribute with your money and you can't buy food or you can't give us a monthly donation, that's totally fine. One of the best things you can do for advocacy is to tell other people about it. I repeat this all the time in school as well, because i have a lot of kids, both like in elementary school and, you know, teenagers in high school who are like, okay, but how can I help? i don't have a job yet. it's like, I had this conversation with your parents.
01:56:58
Speaker
habit with your friends, food insecurity affects everybody. And it can affect anybody. All ages are affected, all creeds, backgrounds, demographics of people.
01:57:11
Speaker
We have a large group of people, a large demographic are two parent households working two jobs. You know, we have plenty of of single people as well who use it, but it's Tons. It's tons and tons of people. You know, the the status that we like to reference is in 2024, more than one in four families experienced food insecurity in Ottawa. That's atrocious. You know, that's 25.7% of Ottawa families that. And
01:57:41
Speaker
We're the nation's capital. You know, I grew up with Ottawa pride. You know, my father was born here. He's proud of the city he grew up in. And like, it's devastating to think that that's the case.
01:57:53
Speaker
Yeah. There's a story I like to tell where we have a supporter and obviously we're not using her name. We'll call her Jen. She organizes a food drive for us very regularly, at least used to And single mother,
01:58:11
Speaker
teen daughter, and she just wanted to afford a cell phone for her daughter so she wouldn't feel left out and get picked on in school. And her roommate moved out, so she was paying the rent all herself. couldn't afford that, was barely making bills and was organizing a food drive for us, but was visiting the food bank in evenings. And she was working a nice paying job. But these situations, like a lot of people are just like one or two bad paychecks away from potentially needing these services. And it's a really quiet problem.
01:58:45
Speaker
It's our neighbors. It's every neighborhood in the city. So I just implore people to have these conversations and Let's not normalize this happening in Ottawa, right?
01:58:58
Speaker
There's no shame in it, but we can't normalize this large amount of people in our city using these services without those systemic supports in
Normalization of Food Insecurity Concern
01:59:08
Speaker
place. You know, the Ottawa Food Bank for more than 40 years has provided emergency food supports, but food insecurity rates are just continuing to rise. Like even from last year to this year, things aren't getting better. Like we're finding more people to support, we finding better and new ways to support people, but we shouldn't have to. yeah I'd love to work myself out of a job. Even though I love my job, I'd love to not have to fundraise for something that shouldn't be a problem. So you know tell your tell your officials how you feel, vote with your dollar, and talk to people about this. If you can organize a food drive, awesome. If you can't, contact us. Let us know you want to get involved.
01:59:47
Speaker
we're We're pretty creative, and we're we're ready to hear your creative ideas too. So anybody who wants to get involved, we love you for it. It's funny you mentioned like that idea of working yourself out of a job because I remember i was maybe seven years old and I lived in Winnipeg at the time and there's an organization that they do similar work and um a guy was showing us around and he said the same thing. And this was, you know, like 25 years ago, he made like a similar comment about he's like, this is great work that we do. I wish we didn't have to do it. Like I wish that there was no need for us to exist. And
02:00:19
Speaker
Yeah, it's it's makes me a little sad that, you know, it's an ongoing. It's just an ongoing issue. And it doesn't it doesn't need to be like there can be a world that exists where, you know, everybody has ready access to food. And yeah, thank you guys for the work you're doing to try and make that a reality.
02:00:37
Speaker
Oh, I mean, our our absolute pleasure. Anything anybody does helps. I can a week. It sounds real silly. Five dollars a month. That sustainability goes a long way.
02:00:48
Speaker
We have an events calendar on the website, which is up to date with cool events other people are doing in the community. if somebody wants to run an event for us, they want to run a food drive, we have plenty of resources.
02:00:59
Speaker
My team's definitely the one to reach out We're events at autoafoodbank.ca. Please, anybody, feel free to reach out. We're happy to support in any way we can. And I really appreciate opportunities like this because there's only so many opportunities we really have to have.
02:01:14
Speaker
a platform. There's thousands of volunteers and thousands of staff members in this city alone. And we're not a big city. You know, my wife's from the GTA and she's like, this is a really small town and we're still always staggered whenever the numbers come out. And she, and she reads them over with me. She's like, this is, this is devastating for a city this size. And, and it's true. I mean,
02:01:39
Speaker
last year saw more than 588,000 visits to
Childhood Food Insecurity in Ottawa
02:01:45
Speaker
food banks. And still, just like last year, 37% of the visitors are um children and youth under the age of 18.
02:01:53
Speaker
Like, this is one of the highest, if not the highest food of childhood food insecurity in the province. Like... yeah How is that not and embarrassing? You know, how is that not just like keep you up at night? Yeah, no, it's terrible. Yeah. But I can really appreciate opportunities like this to, yeah, to be able to speak about it.
02:02:14
Speaker
I'm sure it's probably the the theme of the day is um we truly are all part of the solution and we can all do something about it. Small or large, young or old, everybody can make a difference about this, whether it's having conversation, running a food drive,
02:02:31
Speaker
picking up a can at the end of of your groceries. Everybody can can be part of the solution. and And I really appreciate anybody who wants to reach out, anybody who supports, even just having conversation. It really goes a long way.
02:02:45
Speaker
And I really appreciate the opportunity. Yeah. Thank you so much. thank Thank you, Nick. We really appreciate you coming on and so much respect for you and everything the Ottawa Food Bank does. And ah yeah, keep it up. Keep it up. one One year, hey, one year, you won't need to talk to us anymore. And I can't wait. But until the meantime, it's always it's always a pleasure again to speak with you.
02:03:08
Speaker
off false Thank you so much. Always a pleasure.
02:03:18
Speaker
you.
Encouragement for Charitable Partnerships
02:03:20
Speaker
Thank you so much for joining us for this special episode of Bard Soup in partnership with the Ottawa Food Bank and Podcaston. I have been your Dungeon Master, Zach Meikle, joined by Prima Jow as Jimson Thornapple, Shannon Meikle as Oleander Thornapple, and Nick Huppe as Zizix.
02:03:39
Speaker
We encourage you to visit www.podcasthon.org to discover hundreds of other charitable organizations through the voices and talents of partner podcasts.
02:03:50
Speaker
There's a lot of really great shows and lot of great charities doing some really great work. So definitely check that out. And if you feel motivated to donate to the Ottawa Food Bank, you can find a link in the episode description. Thank you once again to Nick for taking the time to join us for this episode.
02:04:04
Speaker
We'll be back next week and we'll see you then.