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S1 E12: Growing Up As A First Gen American, Fitness And Wellness In NYC, Living With Fibroids With Tara Nicolas
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In today’s episode I talk to Tara Nicolas, @taraanicolas. Tara is a NYC based actor, Global Nike Trainer, Reiki Master, and Meditation Instructor.
We Talk About…
- Acting
- Wellness
- Fitness
- Being first generation American
- Cultural Identity
- Dance and artistic pursuits
- Immigrant experiences
- Financial struggles and career choices
- Self care
- Fibroids
- Fertility
Resources:
- Follow @taraanicolas
- Full episode transcription and citations: https://www.taylorraealmonte.com/on-the-outside-podcast
Keep In Touch:
- Visit taylorraealmonte.com
- Instagram @taylorraealmonte
- TikTok @itstaylorraealmonte
- YouTube /@TaylorRaeAlmonte
Please note that this episode may contain paid endorsements and advertisements for products and services. Individuals on the show may have a direct or indirect financial interest in products or services referred to in this episode.
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Transcript
Season 1 Finale Announcement
00:00:06
Speaker
Hello and welcome back to another episode of On the Outside.
00:00:18
Speaker
Hello, hello, welcome back. It's me, your host Taylor Rae, and we have another amazing episode of On the Outside today. Friends, I cannot believe it, but this is our final interview of season one.
00:00:34
Speaker
I've had 12 incredible guests. I've also done 12 family chats and 12 solo episodes. I cannot believe it. 36 episodes from January to April and it has been such an amazing experience.
00:00:50
Speaker
Before we get into my conversation today with Tara Nicholas, I really just want to thank you for being here, for supporting this passion project. Everything from conception to production, editing, guest, you know, finding my guests and social and everything in between I've been doing on my own for this first season.
00:01:13
Speaker
because I really just wanted to make sure that it was exactly what I envisioned and it has been that and so much more. So thank you for being here. And with that being said, let's get into our 12th and final interview of season one.
Introducing Tara Nicholas
00:01:29
Speaker
In today's episode, I talked to Tara Nicholas. Tara A. Nicholas is a Washington DC native with Haitian roots who now calls Brooklyn, New York home.
00:01:39
Speaker
Her journey into the arts commenced at the age of three in Togo and has maintained its momentum ever since. After achieving a BA from UPenn, she pursued her passions to the vibrant city streets of New York City. Recognizable from commercial stage performances alongside Beyoncé and appearances in episodes of FBI and Godfather of Harlem, Tara has become a familiar face in the entertainment industry.
00:02:07
Speaker
Beyond the spotlight, Tara has delved into the world of wellness. Her unexpected path toward enduring health has propelled her into roles such as Global Nike Trainer, Reiki Master, and Meditation Instructor. Tara's programming can be found on platforms such as Nike Training Club, Netflix, Good Morning America, Blavity, Well and Good, Health Magazine, Self Magazine, Cheddar News, and more.
00:02:36
Speaker
In this episode, we talk about growing up as a first-generation American, life as performers in New York, Tara's journey with Reiki, wellness and fitness, and her experiences with fibroids, and so much more.
Feeling Like an Outsider
00:02:56
Speaker
Let's get into it by hearing about a time when Tara felt like she was an outsider. On the one hand, it feels like so many things I could say, and on the other hand,
00:03:07
Speaker
I don't know, do I have anything that really feels still relevant to me is almost the thing. But one of the first experiences of being an outsider are right after I was born, my parents moved to West Africa. So even though I'm born in the States, but both parents are from Haiti, grew up there and moved to the States in their 20s. When I was born in DC, we immediately moved to Togo.
00:03:33
Speaker
lived there for four years. French was my first language. My dad was working for the Peace Corps at the time and my mom was like working in other nonprofit arenas. And when we moved back, my mom was smart and was like, I'll put her in international school. She'll learn English as we go. But I legit started school even though it was international with kids from all over the world. Most of them already spoke English and I did not. So I'm like figuring out
00:04:00
Speaker
like when we're not in class because all our classes were in French but when we're talking to each other the kids are speaking in English and I'm over here guessing guessing and context clues and you know I'm coming to school with my rice and beans and my chicken and the little thing and
00:04:19
Speaker
These kids are coming to school with like peanut butter jelly. And I'm like, I want that. Not realizing like my mama loves me and made this really loving meal for me. And I'm over here complaining that it's not like Chef Boyardee or PB&J or Lunchables, you know. So there were that was like my earliest memory of like outsider. And and actually, even as I, you know, you knew this would happen. I was like, as you start talking, remember other things. And then when we were in West Africa, it was confusing to me being around
00:04:50
Speaker
being around like kids.
00:04:52
Speaker
at times that were darker than me, at times that were lighter than me. And I think from a young age already being exposed to like kind of that subversive type of racism where you see like the white, the blue eyes valued and my dad has blue eyes. So I would start to think like, is there something wrong with me? Because I don't, and just kind of getting that exposure and immediately having my parents have to figure out how to communicate like you're beautiful and you're wonderful as you are, you know, and getting that pride in,
00:05:22
Speaker
in who I am while still having those little girl moments of hurt because you don't fit in. You're different from the other kids. Let's get into our conversation.
Artistic and Academic Balance
00:05:36
Speaker
All right, so my name is Tara Anika Nicholas. I'm first generation Haitian American. I grew up mostly in DC. I'm currently living in Brooklyn. I basically came out of the womb a dancer, like contortionist vibes when I was little, just kind of leaning in. My parents always find me in some strange position and then I'd like recruit them like, help me, like get my leg here or there. And
00:06:01
Speaker
And my mom put me in ballet classes early because that's how she grew up. She danced for a little while when she was young. And so I got exposed to a lot of just that artistic, creative world really young. My international school focused a lot on the arts and on instruments and music and just exposing us young. So I got to sing and dance and act.
00:06:25
Speaker
and play the clarinet and the recorder and dabble in the guitar. I got exposed to so much, so young, and I'm always so grateful for that. And then fast forward, because I was like, oh, I got distracted, how fun that was. When I ended up going, like I said, I studied abroad in different countries.
00:06:48
Speaker
And then when I went to Penn, it was one of those things where I was like, I haven't quite decided yet if I want to be like full, like good Haitian girl and like, you know, do something normal or if I'm going to like pursue the dream that it's been like calling my name for a while. So went to Penn.
00:07:04
Speaker
And I was like, all right, you know, I'm gonna do international relations, I'm gonna like, maybe like do like some kind of business minor situation, like I'm gonna figure this out. And pretty quickly, I was like, I'm gonna suffocate if I don't figure something else out. So I was dancing professionally on the side while at Penn, found a dance group as well to like keep me sane.
00:07:22
Speaker
And by the end, I was communications major, Latin American Studies minor, and French, Spanish, Portuguese concentrations. I was like, let's go. I'm going to do something I can survive. So when I graduated, I moved to New York and just was just really
00:07:38
Speaker
I can't say I believed in myself. I'll say I had a calling and it like shoved me forward. Cause I think if I could have done anything else, I would have cause I was scared shitless. It was the first time that I kind of went against the grain of my family. Always a really great student, always really felt like I was a hard worker and that was like a source of pride. Like I work hard and like, can't nobody outwork me, you know? And then it's like, you moved to New York and like,
00:08:05
Speaker
Doesn't matter, and like not enough still, you know, like waitressing, bottle service, anything, gig, gig, gig to survive. Girl, in the beginning, before I had like established like a network. Where were you a bottle girl? It's terrifying. I don't even want to like remember that part of my life. Like it's like these small lounges that don't exist anymore. The ones, does any of them still exist?
00:08:27
Speaker
Um, no, none of them exist. I was a club promoter in college. So I'm like, yes. Oh my gosh. Like, I'm telling you like that part of my life, even though it was short lived before I was able to like fully sustain myself freelancing, it was it has left a mark on me because the number of times I've like referenced that time, because it's like no sleep just running around ragged. Yeah.
Integrating Arts and Wellness
00:08:49
Speaker
um but then fast forward to when i'm like bridging the gap with like doing all the wellness like i got into fitness really organically because i needed to understand more about my body and taking care of myself and got into meditation and reiki and all of that because it
00:09:04
Speaker
I needed it to be well. And at a certain point, I was like, this is silly. I don't need to do this on the side. I can fully bring this into my life. And for a long time, I just didn't understand how my artistic life and the wellness life were supposed to coexist until I realized, duh, you as a human need these things to survive. So let them fit in in that way. And I think, again, education, cultural background, I just could not accept.
00:09:32
Speaker
that these things can coexist. I felt like it's one or the other. And I don't want to be like, you know, jack of all trades, master of none kind of thing. Like I don't want to just get lost and having like a bunch of like sort of kind of skills. So that I will say is still a thing of like me never feeling knowledgeable enough.
00:09:52
Speaker
in any of the arenas I'm in. And on the one hand, there's something really powerful about that where it keeps me hungry, keeps me like always wanting to learn. And then there's a part that we know can be just toxic and suffocating.
Childhood Influence on Adulthood
00:10:04
Speaker
I love the point Tara made about the experiences we have as outsiders, how so many of them seem to stem from our childhoods and what remains relevant as we get older and have new experiences.
00:10:16
Speaker
I love the point that you started with wondering if some of these stories even still feel relevant to you because so much of our childhood impacts us for the rest of our life in ways that feel really different than other times in our life.
00:10:36
Speaker
My, I don't know, like late 20s obviously impacted me, but I'm like, why am I still thinking about that time when I was 15, like way more often than the time that happened two years ago, you know? Or that time when I was six or whatever. But I totally, I never really thought about it in that way before, but I totally resonate with some of those things that really made me feel like I didn't fit in or like I wasn't included
00:11:03
Speaker
For me, it was my socioeconomic status as a kid wanting to live in a two-story house with the shutters that are not real shutters. They're just glued to the side of the house. And a backyard. I wanted grass. Those are not real shutters, girl. OK? You're fooling no one. I'll tell you that right now. Exactly. Very useless. And I wanted grass. I wanted a pool. And I didn't have those things. Yeah.
00:11:29
Speaker
Impacting me for so long. I was in so much credit card debt when I was in college because I was like I need to keep up with everyone else and I was like now I'm on my own and I'm determined to do that even though I definitely couldn't afford it and they probably had or I know that they had support from their parents in ways that I didn't and so and that like financial literacy and
00:11:49
Speaker
that we don't grow up with. And even when we go to school, they don't really teach it unless you go to business school. And even then it's for other, not necessarily for yourself. So true. And so it's like, yes, that was something that I experienced as a child. Yes, it did impact me as an adult, but like today, I don't necessarily have those same issues on a day to day, but I do know I still feel like very easily triggered when it comes to money.
00:12:17
Speaker
If, you know, my husband tells me, oh, we can't afford that right now, I immediately am like, oh, my God, what does that mean? Are we OK? That's what I used to. That's how I used to word it to my parents. Are we OK? And, you know, so in some ways. I do think that those things that happen a long time ago, even if you don't necessarily still face them now.
00:12:39
Speaker
I do think a lot of them do still affect us. I asked Tara about an experience when she absolutely did not feel like an outsider, but rather felt truly included.
Cultural Experiences in Brazil vs. US
00:12:50
Speaker
When I studied abroad in Brazil, in Bahia specifically, was the first time I blended in in the most positive, loving, freeing way. I have never in my life felt so good and visible.
00:13:06
Speaker
like I just was, I could just be. And it was, I didn't fully grasp what that was doing for my nervous system until I saw, you know, and this is like weird to say, it's not like I wish them any harm by any means, but some of the white kids would like get into some situations because part of it is how they were comporting themselves. But the other part was like, they stuck out in my ear, like it's black as you know, as
00:13:28
Speaker
is Black and Bahia. And these like blue-eyed, blonde-haired kids who didn't research and thought it was the same as Rio were real shook, you know? And I'm walking around and like my host mom had given me like clothes that were hers, so I like fully blend it in. I spoke really good Portuguese at the time, now I'm feeling hella rusty.
00:13:48
Speaker
And it was it was interesting and people were were so much of your training when you're doing this kind of programs It's like oh get ready for culture shock my culture shock was when I got back to the States and having like go back to Penn and Kind of like I'm back to standing out and sometimes ways that feel really scary or like fast-forward to moving to New York and being in this like, you know creative realm and I'm I am often the only black woman in a space and then when I go the black girl call
00:14:18
Speaker
I look so ambiguous, I look like the black girl or the other that crashed the black girl call. And you don't learn, I did not get that message, that standing out the way I did and often feeling like an outsider is a strength. You just have to kind of find what actually feels authentic to you. And I think that authenticity is,
00:14:46
Speaker
is what I was, and freedom is what I was very much seeking. I think in following my passion and my dreams and in the creative spaces was, and then ending up in the holistic world was so much about, I just need to like find my way. But as an immigrant daughter, first gen immigrant, you are not taught to find your way. You're taught like, please pick the safe things that are guaranteed. We didn't come here for you to wing it.
00:15:12
Speaker
As a first-gen daughter as well, I relate to a lot of what Tara has experienced. The American dream, the idea that anyone and everyone should be able to pull themselves up by their bootstraps, is a story immigrant families return to time and time again. However, for many Americans, the reality often falls short of this ideal for several reasons, including systemic inequalities, historic oppression like slavery and colonization,
00:15:39
Speaker
income inequality, healthcare disparities, environmental justice, and disproportionate effects of the criminal justice system.
First-Generation American Challenges
00:15:47
Speaker
Upward mobility in the United States is becoming significantly less possible, in fact.
00:15:54
Speaker
The United States ranked 27th in the world in the 2020 Global Social Mobility Index. The index measures social mobility through five determinants, including health, education, technology, work, and protection, and institutions.
00:16:11
Speaker
The GMSI focuses on policies, practices, and institutions that determine whether everyone has a fair chance to fulfill their potential. In short, a very depressing piece of information that I've heard actually many times in my classes at Columbia this semester is that it's unlikely for children who are from low-income families to ever make significantly more than their parents, and the likeliness declines as they age.
00:16:40
Speaker
Making the American dream happen is tough, and for many, it's nearly impossible.
00:16:46
Speaker
This is the American dream. It's for your kids to go on their own journey and figure it out. And then the other part of them is like, but we don't have the means to catch you financially if you fall on your face. Like emotionally, we got you. You can always move back home. But financially, there's really nothing we can do. I feel that. Yeah. I feel that. My parents, I mean, I'm first gen too. My dad was born in DR. My mom was born in Puerto Rico. They came here when they were pretty young though. You said your parents came when they were in their 20s?
00:17:15
Speaker
I think my dad came here when he was like in teens, but my mom came in her like mid 20s. Yeah, my parents both came when they were really young, like my mom before she was even in school, my dad when he was in second or third grade, like pretty young. But they
00:17:33
Speaker
They always kind of understood that I didn't want a traditional path, and they were super hyped for me when I got into NYU. That was the only school I applied to, and I was like, I have to be an actor. I have to go to NYU. This is it. Did you grow up here? I grew up in New Jersey. Okay. And I've talked about that way too much on the show. These girls are like, we do not want to hear about it, Taylor.
00:17:55
Speaker
I grew up in New Jersey. But they were very much like, oh, you want to do a bunch of weird stuff? We love it. Love that. Even now, pivoting jobs, being like, I'm a boxer now. They're like, love it. I'm going to grad school. They're amazing. They were good with me doing whatever, but I fully resonate with
00:18:18
Speaker
You know, emotionally we got you, but like financially you can come move home. That's kind of the best. That's kind of the best that we can offer you, but we can't really offer you like just doing it for free. I don't know what your experience was like as you started to like be in your professional season of your life or, you know, chapter of your life.
00:18:39
Speaker
But I also found that that scarcity mindset in me was strong, like that feast or famine. And in all realms, like whether it's in the wellness part of my life, or whether it's in like the performance, you know, entertainment part of my life, like it's really been
00:18:54
Speaker
um feast or famine and i was just having this conversation earlier where someone's like oh my god like you know when you get to rest and i realized like i do love being busy like this is good busy this is doesn't feel toxic it doesn't feel like too much and your girl needs a break and like when do you take a break where every five seconds it's like some world catastrophe or strike or a contract goes you know a little awry you know like you're just
00:19:22
Speaker
You just kind of got to go with it and then believe in yourself enough that you know you got you. In a recent study, more than 50% of women reported having experienced imposter syndrome while only 24% of men did. In addition, Black and Latina women are more likely to experience imposter syndrome in professional and academic settings
00:19:44
Speaker
mainly because they do not often see themselves represented in leadership roles within those spaces. I shared my experience with imposter syndrome with Tara, which is something that I really struggled with, especially as I started my career in fitness as someone that did not grow up feeling fit or athletic.
00:20:04
Speaker
I heard a very inspirational quote and I honestly don't even know who said it. I heard it on a podcast a few years ago and it really shifted my way of thinking. And what this person said was, I would be out of my mind to have imposter syndrome because I was there through all of the hard work and struggle and effort that got me to where I am and who I am. And today that's really the energy that I try to lead with.
00:20:32
Speaker
I try to push away the consideration of even having imposter syndrome and really focus on what I've done and who I am. But I can't say by any means that I truly always feel like that or that I've always felt like that in the past.
00:20:49
Speaker
When I started doing fitness, I was the most imposter syndrome that I've ever felt in my life, because I was not athletic growing up. You were a dancer, so I think, and definitely let me know how it felt for you, but you at least moved your body, connected to your body. That was part of your everyday practice. You said you were doing it since you were a kid. I was a strong mover as a musical theater performer, but I was not
00:21:15
Speaker
If anything, I was very disappointed in my body that I was not a better dancer. I was, oh man, that made me kind of emotional. But I was, I was always very disappointed in my body that I wasn't better, that I couldn't kick higher, I wasn't flexible enough, I would stretch every day and I still couldn't do what my classmates could do. And it just felt like I wasn't really giving it that much attention because when I did, I felt disappointed. And so when I started into fitness, it was,
00:21:41
Speaker
I didn't necessarily feel connected to the body part. I felt connected to the performance part, especially teaching at a studio where you got on stage, put on your headset, get in the DJ booth, speak on the mic, play your music like that. There's a little bit of showmanship.
00:21:57
Speaker
Like I was like, oh, I'm performing. Like, yes, like I could do this all day. And that's what really drew me in. So I was always getting a new certification, finding a way to like take another class, get another, you know, something so that I could feel like I belonged or that I deserved to be there.
00:22:13
Speaker
Tara has also had experience in the fitness industry and so much more.
Journey with Reiki and Healing
00:22:18
Speaker
She talked about her experiences as a Reiki master. Reiki therapy is based on an Eastern belief that vital energy flows through your body. It uses gentle touch to promote relaxation and reduce stress and anxiety. The word Reiki comes from the Japanese words rei meaning universal and ki meaning life energy.
00:22:39
Speaker
Reiki practitioners called Reiki Masters use their hands to guide energy in a way that leads to balance and healing. When I first started doing Reiki, my mentor is like such a powerful healer and she's intuitive in a way where she can really pinpoint exactly what's happening in your body and tell you like all kinds of things about yourself. And I was like, I don't have that gift. I feel like I'm useless in this realm. And she was like,
00:23:06
Speaker
What do you think healing is? It's not about you. It's about the person. And it's about creating that healing space for the person to find it on their own. You're not doing, per se. You are helping them, reminding them of what is already, and to get back to that place. That own wisdom and power and freedom to get there, to find their entry point to healing. And that's what I think
00:23:36
Speaker
reiki has brought me not I think like that is what the reiki world has brought me is is wanting so badly to like fix because that's what makes me feel valuable and it's just not about that whatever they experience or don't it's them getting there like how powerful is that like you
00:23:58
Speaker
Sure, like my importance is my ability to create that space and have all the different variables that help them heal, but it's not me doing it to them.
00:24:10
Speaker
Uterine fibroids are growths made of muscle and tissue that form in or on the walls of your uterus. These growths are usually benign and the most common are non-cancerous tumors in women or AFAB individuals, people assigned female at birth. Fibroids can cause a variety of symptoms, but some of the most common are pain and heavy irregular vaginal bleeding. Sometimes a person has no symptoms and is virtually unaware that they even have fibroids.
00:24:40
Speaker
my journey of finding out about my fibroids and how infuriating it was for me to find out about them at a time where it's the most kind of wellness rituals I have ever done in my life prior to finding out. I was like, this is the best I've taken care of myself. How dare you? And how did I not know? It felt very like one day I was meditating and I felt like a little pang
00:25:09
Speaker
And I went to touch and I felt like a little lump. So first I just was expecting like really scary stuff. But then, then to find out what's going on and to be like, no, like the shame, the frustration. I was like, I must have done something to cause this. Well, Tara goes on to share more about her experience having fry boards later. The conversation brought us back to something we were discussing before we even started recording around feeling like an outsider. I can't help but think about the ways that
00:25:39
Speaker
I, in seasons of my life, have made myself an outsider to myself. I won't even be in me fully because the nature of the work I'm doing puts me in a place where I need to constantly get validation, go outside of myself.
00:25:55
Speaker
I feel like I had kind of completed that chapter of my life. And then the fibroids brought it all back up because I need these practitioners or doctors or whoever to fix me or tell me the exact, correct, perfect, guaranteed way of getting these things to go away. And I think the way that
00:26:16
Speaker
In my case, any kind of movement or breath work or healing work helps me bring me back into me. On the one hand, it can seem abstract, but I think on the other hand, it's just time with self to get to know myself and get to know how I'm actually doing and how I'm actually feeling. Even something as simple as being on set once this summer,
00:26:42
Speaker
And I think the part of me that wants to be like a team player and do a really great job and just be able to handle everything no matter what the ridiculous circumstances, I finally spoke up because it got so ridiculous. And I was like, hey, I'm going to just need like a bigger size here. And I can't wear that. Like I just I found my voice not from a place of feeling like I had finally like healed all the parts of me that I think can be difficult or this or that. But I suddenly was like,
00:27:07
Speaker
in a very logical way for me to be my best self. Here's what I need. And none of them were unreasonable and they were able to be fulfilled. No problem. I asked her what she does to care for her body while she has fibroids.
00:27:24
Speaker
right now I'm on a pretty restricted diet all to support them healing and like kind of resolving themselves and it's fascinating to see how uncomfortable I am with speaking up about what I need because I feel like it's the all my immigrant stuff is coming up like I feel like I'm inconveniencing or I feel like
00:27:46
Speaker
you know, the scarcity mindset, like I have never grown up hungry. I've never had that experience. But some part of me thinks still in that like frame of mind, like when we'd go back to Haiti to visit my great aunt, whatever food she put on the table is like what I'm eating. I'm not asking for something else, you know, and it's not that they had like no access to food. It was just like not okay as the American to go over to your aunt's house and be like,
00:28:11
Speaker
complaining. So to bring it full circle, it's sometimes I'm fascinated to see the way that I will kind of come out of my body because I think that that is better for the environment or that's what's needed for the job or the moment and to see the way that finding out about my fibroids and going into this journey that mostly pisses me off. But I'm gradually getting to a place of like
00:28:38
Speaker
appreciation for the learning and for the kind of the way that I'm deepening my relationship to myself and learning about myself in a way that I think I wouldn't have challenged myself to do because it just kind of was like, it's fine. I can make it work. I can make anything work. Tara shared a story about having to join the union as a young actor.
00:28:59
Speaker
I get my first big TV job, it's the Blacklist, it's a beautiful feature, I work so hard, I'm so hyped, and then my agent calls me and he's like, so, you're gonna need to pay the, what is it called, the entrance fee, whatever, for SAG? And I was like- How much was it at the time?
00:29:18
Speaker
$3,000 with a $1,500 like mandatory down payment and they'll put you on a payment plan but like quote-unquote payment plan is still like it has to all be paid within a couple months and the job only paid $900 so I absolutely did not make money and
00:29:37
Speaker
The only way to put down that payment was to put down my rent. So I also did not pay my rent that month. Like things got crazy real quick because I wasn't not doing the job. Yeah. So it was like a Hail Mary like somebody somewhere going to get me another gig to pay for these bills. And between that or like my mom will like send me a little something for food.
00:29:57
Speaker
And I think in that regard, I actually got better and better at being able to just be honest with my girlfriends and be like, hey, I do want to hang, but I can't. And like, it was a village, like we took care of each other and like, sometimes it'd be like, it's all right, I'll treat you, you know, and you just chill or like come over, I'll cook. Tara opened up about an experience with a friend that led her to starting her community group Tea Time with
Community Building through Art
00:30:22
Speaker
Tea.
00:30:22
Speaker
The whole reason why I started Tea Time with Tea, which is the community event that I do, is because one of my friends from the same tribe of women who held each other down died by suicide. Granted, it was the pandemic. We were all scattered. She had an apartment in Brooklyn, but ended up letting it go and going back to Atlanta.
00:30:47
Speaker
It was just the first time that someone from our inner circle had a tragic turn of events for someone who, as far as I know, was accomplishing, achieving, doing the damn thing in all of the ways we've always wanted.
00:31:02
Speaker
in a healthy relationship, seemingly, it was a new relationship, like not beholden to this stupid New York rent, like gigging, like wrote a book, like everything we thought was important to her was being accomplished. And then something shifted at a time that we all we weren't talking on the phone or seeing each other.
00:31:23
Speaker
And, you know, New York, like with that cadence, we never saw each other all the time, but there was this just natural, like, see each other here and there kind of energy. And it broke my heart and, like, scared the crap out of me, because also this whole group, like, we're artists, like, we get sad. Sometimes we just get sad, like, and to not know what was that extra
00:31:44
Speaker
shift that took it to that other place. And that's why I created these community events that feel necessary for anyone who maybe feels isolated to the point of like, I need to talk about this, but I don't know how and I feel like I'm too deep down the rabbit hole to talk and I don't want to burden anybody.
00:32:03
Speaker
Um, and so, you know, those events are about just getting together, having conversation, their therapist, their people need support, but it's really just, we're each experts in something and to just share our experience. And if we have questions or need support with a specific moment or event, we can ask for, for that help.
00:32:22
Speaker
Before closing out our conversation, I shared a lot of laughs with Tara on the final interview of the season, and I had to keep those in for you guys.
00:32:41
Speaker
When my mom was here, I was like, heck yeah. I'm like, oh, I do. And I will curse in front of my mom sometimes, but I can't really. It makes me stutter. Yeah, it makes me traumatized. Because we raised right. I know. I'm like, mom, no. When my parents came to visit me, I studied abroad in London. I was 20 and we went out to dinner. My dad was like, you're not drinking. You can't drink. And I was like, correct.
00:33:04
Speaker
you are correct however in London please let me have a apple juice like I'm not arguing with my dad about drinking in this foreign country like what little does this man know I was like the drinking age there was 18 I know what do you mean sir well I think that's the one thing for how conservative and like
00:33:23
Speaker
At the time, I thought it was suffocating. And now I'm like, I'm surprised y'all let me out the house the way this world is a hot mess. But I digress. That's the one thing my parents were always so chill about. I was allowed to drink young. It was like a part of, not like all day every day, but when we would have family gatherings, if there was a little wine, they'd give me a little drop and fill it with water. So I at least got to like,
00:33:44
Speaker
you know, like, nice beverage. Yeah, like, ooh, you know, like, it wasn't ever enough for me to like, get buzz, but it was enough for me to like, have the flavor and like, kind of get to know what that is. And so I remember like, junior senior year of high school, when these kids are drinking like, moonshine and like, frenet and like, things I'm like,
00:34:03
Speaker
Do you not love yourself? Like I like didn't understand. We used to drink, we used to take a water bottle and fill it with a tiny bit of every alcohol. Absolutely. Your own Long Island. That was in my friend's mom's bar. And then we would just mix that with some wah wah. If you know wah wah. I know wah wah. With some wah wah fruit punch. Wah wah got me through college y'all. Did you hear the beverage that I just described? Like what is that? Also it was a nutcracker.
00:34:30
Speaker
What is it? That's what it's called? No, honey. You've been in New York this long and you don't know a nutcracker? Maybe it's just too Brooklyn. No? Nutcracker. Nutcracker. Nutcracker. Come get your nutcracker. No? It's basically jungle juice that gets sold like on the train, y'all. Like the train. Like out of like a strange bag.
00:34:48
Speaker
you don't really know what's in it and you cannot taste the alcohol. And then it's now evolved. So like the OG nutcracker seller man, he'd be on the beach. He now like, it's like now you have other people selling nutcrackers. And now like though, like if you go to the West Indian day parade, they'll be in these like nice like satchels, you know, so you can just like pop a straw in and just be like,
00:35:11
Speaker
Real cute. I've never had one admittedly because by then I already knew mystery alcohol. Like no, I don't do well with such things, but I always loved the existence of the Nutcracker Man.
00:35:25
Speaker
As someone who doesn't know too much about fibroids aside from some basic information, I asked Tara what her goal is as she undergoes treatment and guidance on managing and healing her fibroids and what potential outcomes she may expect.
Exploring Fibroid Treatments
00:35:43
Speaker
It's super strange that there just isn't any real research on fibroids and what to do. The main thing is that, candidly, I went to the doctors and was like, all right, I'm engaged. We're going to get married soonish. And even though at this point, my parents do not care if I get pregnant before marriage. For some reason, it's the only part of my programming that I'm fully indoctrinated. I don't want to get pregnant before marriage.
00:36:13
Speaker
Slowly but surely I'm like it don't matter. You know, at least I'm like with him with him, you know, he's not like a rando But so I went to my gyno for my checkup and like I've been working with him with with knowing I have fibroids and with knowing like friends who Have gone through really terrible situations Specifically black women in their fertility journey and I went to him like hey like I don't want to be blindsided I'm here because I kind of want to like check what's all going on and like, you know
00:36:42
Speaker
and make sure that we're like doing everything we need to do so that when I'm ready, you don't hit me with no BS, basically. And then what did he do? The second I said, I want to start talking about family planning because I'm ready, he said, no, I don't think you should. And I was like, I don't think you should want to talk about it. No, I don't think you should even start trying to get pregnant because of your fibroids. And I was like, but we've known each other for a year now and
00:37:09
Speaker
Literally, that's what I came to you for is to not have this situation come up. So that kind of sent me spiraling. And this is a longer story that I'm still processing. So I don't really feel like getting into all the nitty gritty. But where I'm at now, and again, the blessing that where I'm at now is getting connected with
00:37:27
Speaker
a woman named Coach Jesse that like lives and breathes all things fibroids because she had a horrible experience. And so that is like her focus. So I'm doing a cleanse and following a regiment that her and like different doctors, surgeons have like all kind of like agreed upon is like make sense and seeing if I can make a difference without surgery. Yeah.
00:37:50
Speaker
But if I do need surgery to kind of at least prepare my body and be in a better place with like recovery and moving forward because I I have just and I think I'm still figuring out
00:38:03
Speaker
Because as far as fibroid, and I think you were alluding to this question before, as far as how terrible it can be for women, I'm fine. Most women, every time they get their period, they're fainting, they're severely anemic. This is worst case scenario, right? You can be suffocating and ovary. It can get really terrible. You pee yourself. Is it just too much pressure? Or you have constipation. The list goes on and on.
00:38:31
Speaker
And where I'm at is I don't have the extreme symptoms. But this doctor really scared the crap out of me as because he then proceeded to explain like all the worst case scenario things that can happen if I got pregnant with the fibroids as they are. So it it really freaked me out. And a part of me was like,
00:38:50
Speaker
And then that's why I was saying it really triggered me to go back to like being outside of myself and not loving this home, which is my body. That makes a lot of sense. And I feel like I'd spent so much time since first finding out about my fibroids with cultivating this home again and cultivating this trust and this safe space again. And it like kind of flipped it all upside down. So I found myself
00:39:12
Speaker
mourning weirdly, not knowing what I was mourning. I think mourning an idea I had. I also felt a lot of rage. As I started these cleanses, a lot of anger started to come out. Because it was tears, but it was angry tears. And then, of course, then my body's going through its own purging, cramping. My joints feel weird sometimes because things are shifting.
00:39:38
Speaker
and letting myself go through that process instead of obsessively needing to fix myself. Because the goal, yes, we want these fibroids to go, but really the goal is to get to a place where I feel healthy and happy getting pregnant.
00:39:54
Speaker
Because I'm still a little bit in that paradigm of like fix it, like it's good or it's bad, it's gone or it's here, it's success or it's failure. And figuring out what it is to like love the different seasons of me, especially like what a blessing this is not life threatening and to like keep that in perspective without gaslighting myself. Yeah. Yeah. Finally, as all good things do, our conversation had to come to a close.
00:40:21
Speaker
I think it's important to hear the stories of the women in our tribe, right? And really hear what all happened and the warnings and the learnings that they have. And then today was the first time that I was like, I'm not convinced that talking to these doctors is helpful. What if I just got pregnant? It was just the first time that I was like, then what?
00:40:45
Speaker
You know, but they've accepted my mind with horrible things. Yeah. And I've seen our fellow black women and I don't know if you saw it but Abby Phillips on CNN did this beautiful special Sunday night. And it's all about like black women and fertility really powerful I highly recommend.
00:41:04
Speaker
not because there was like an abundant amount of learning to take away, but to see that story told. Right. I think that's the learning and to like see yourself. And it had like more positive kind of like in the middle and more like negative stories, like all of them being important to tell and and the kind of resurgence of the importance of like midwives and and access to that and home births and the pros and cons and like
00:41:34
Speaker
And I love that these are also women that happen to be, a lot of the women featured, some of them are like our age. So you also don't feel like it's like out of touch with what a lot of women are dealing with right now. Or something so far away. Like I still can't believe I'm at like the age to have a child.
00:41:51
Speaker
I'm like, what? Isn't that for grownups? I mean, our moms, for the most part, were so young. Like, my mom was in her early 20s and was already married. It's not, you know, like, it's, you're like, she was married. Yeah. Well, and like, it wasn't before she was married, guys. Oh my gosh. I know. Like, release me. Because I don't have this opinion of any other woman. No, I love it. It's like so self-inflicted.
00:42:13
Speaker
And at this point, my parents do not care. So like, Tara, where is it from? And can you release it? And it's like, yes, I can. I'm in the process. You can. You're in the process. I'm already in the process. It's happening right now. Surrender that, like, at my wedding, I might have a little belly pooch. Gorgeous. 10 out of 10.
Concluding Season 1
00:42:32
Speaker
Friends, can you believe it? Season one is done. I know I honestly can't believe it. Of course, I'm so grateful for Tara for closing out an incredible season with this final interview with me. She's honestly the best. Absolutely go check out her classes. She is just honestly a bright light of joy and I'm so grateful that she shared
00:42:56
Speaker
her story and laughs with me and I just had such a great time and it was so much fun getting to record this episode live with her in New York. I am so grateful that you've been here with me for our first season on the outside. We only have one more episode left in the season. It's going to be a solo episode where I just reflect back so I'm not going to get too sappy on y'all now.
00:43:20
Speaker
I'm going to save it for that one. You can follow Tara at Tara A. Nicholas on Instagram. As always, a full transcription of the episode along with citations can be found on my website. And all of those links are available in the show notes. Thank you for being here. I see you and I'm with you. See you out there.