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Putting Relationship OCD to Words with Coach Samara Lane
36 Plays1 month ago
Relationship OCD doesn’t look like fear — it looks like doubt, over-thinking, and the constant urge to “figure out” your partner and your feelings.
In this deeply personal episode, I sit down with rOCD coach Samara to talk about how relationship OCD shows up in loving partnerships, why reassurance and analysis make it worse, and how nervous system regulation and IFS can support real healing.
We also explore how isolating and lonely rOCD can feel when no one else truly understands what you’re going through — and why you’re not broken for experiencing it.
This conversation is raw, honest, and for anyone who has ever loved someone and been terrified at the same time.
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Transcript
Networking and Introduction
00:00:00
Speaker
Thank you for joining me on the podcast. It's so funny because it's so par for the course for me of just shamelessly reaching out to people on a platform and saying, hey, I like what you do. do you want to connect to some capacity? And here we are. And here we are. you for being open to my random reach out and reaching back out as generously as you have. so Exactly. No, I love a random reach out. And also i want to just say before we jump in, like, I really admire and enjoyed that you are someone that just goes for it. Shameless networking connection. Yeah.
00:00:37
Speaker
I think we need more of that. We do. it I think it just goes with what I do for work, of just working with people anyways, and probably similarly to you, that's why you received it so well. yeah So I want you know say that I appreciate that and Thank you for all the work that you're doing and all the advocacy work that obviously spoke to me. hopefully it's been to other people and just wanted to give you some time to even introduce yourself and um we can kind of kick it off from there.
00:01:04
Speaker
So I'm Samara Lane. I'm relationship anxiety and relationship OCD coach. I've been specializing in this field for over seven years now. And what got me into this work was my own battles and struggles with relationship anxiety, relationship OCD. The term relationship OCD many, many years ago when I even learned what this was, like that term didn't even exist yet. I didn't see that anywhere.
00:01:33
Speaker
The only yeah context for it was was relationship anxiety. And we can talk a little bit about the differences there and the overlap. But my own journey, i kept finding that no matter what wonderful partner i was in a relationship with, that I kept being the common denominator in this experience of of one side or other of the relationship anxiety ROCD coin, right? Either the more angst attachment side, which is more classic relationship anxiety.
00:02:08
Speaker
Do they love me? Are they going to leave me? you know Is something going to happen? Fears of abandonment and rejection. Or the other side of the coin was, am I settling? Is this the right person for me? Can I really trust my choice? How do I know that they're really the one? yeah And it was maddening. It felt like just dating and relationship was mental torture for parts of me thank Goodness, yes, I relate to that so much. And I think one of the frustrating things is that there's somewhat normal questions that people ask. And if you tell any everyday person, they're going to be like, yeah, and, but to describe or even attempt to describe what goes on in someone's brain like yours or mine, it almost like
00:02:51
Speaker
you can't do justice to what it actually
Understanding Relationship OCD
00:02:53
Speaker
feels like. And that is even more maddening to me than like, what I'm living through. Exactly, exactly. And I think even just OCD in general, anxiety in general, people, when they get a little social anxiety, might call that anxiety. But for someone with an anxiety disorder or lifelong patterns of health anxiety, relationship anxiety, different forms It's actually really crippling. OCD is so different, right? OCD isn't, I like my pen angled a certain way in my desk or I get a little grumpy. It's it's like an all day incessant experience of is something wrong? This like gut-wrenching feeling of I'm not safe, I'm not okay. And that's not just dysregulating, right?
00:03:40
Speaker
It's really takes over your life. Especially when you don't have language for it. So that was the first step in my journey was like even finding language for this and realizing, oh, I'm not alone. This is a thing. And that's when I think I started having hope that I could really change it And how did you realize that this was a thing? Because for me, it took, and unfortunately, I think this is common, where it took at least five plus years for me to even get diagnosed. And it was mentioned for like a split second in college with what I was describing my life to be. And nobody looked into it.
00:04:15
Speaker
It kind of took me to go to another person, to another person, to another person. and the stats are just crazy with how overlooked it is and how crippled people feel. Totally. And for me, i mean, this was well over a decade ago i discovered it by french like what most people do.
00:04:36
Speaker
I think how a lot of people discover that they have ROC is well over a decade ago, i started frantically Googling. ah My partners asked me to commit at a higher level to them and I'm freaking out and I thought I would say yes, but now I'm scared and what does this mean? And so i Googled and lo and behold, I discovered relationship anxiety and saw these articles and blog posts. There weren't many, but I read everything I could get my hands on. Nowadays, people probably can get kind of self-diagnosed to an extent from chat GPT, right? Like there's so, I'm so grateful that it's much more widely known. There's even some, not most, but some therapists know about ROCD.
00:05:20
Speaker
um It's not in a DSM-5 yet, but yeah, I i discovered from my frantic Googling late one night that Yeah, those frantic Googlings don't stop. And now with chat GPT, like you and I spoke about the other day, it's just kind of you have a therapist in your back pocket to some degree. But how would you describe OCD or r ROCD to to like the everyday person?
Symptoms and Community
00:05:43
Speaker
Great question. So how i describe ROCD is there's two main giveaways or telltale signs. So one is obsessions, right? The other one is compulsions, OCD, obsessive compulsive disorder. So obsessions look like incessant thoughts, like a lot of mental preoccupation around your relationship, your partner. This could be literally any theme. So some of the common ones, but there's not an exhaustive list are, do I really love them? i don't feel attraction to them So where did my feelings go? Have I fallen out of love? Or I just don't desire them anymore? Are they the one? How do I know?
00:06:26
Speaker
ah Something feels off, which could be so many different things, right? Especially when our attachment system is activated, when our anxiety is activated, if old trauma is activated. And so those are just a few. Incompatibility, am I really compatible with them, cetera, et cetera. the things that I have researched. Yeah.
00:06:48
Speaker
For me, a big one was, is this my intuition? Because we might feel... Trust your gut. Exactly. Because we might feel anxiety in our gut. We might have a trauma response, right? Or anxious or avoidant attachment system response can be felt in our gut or like a tightness in our chest or a lump in our throat. And so if we've been used to using those kinds of signals as intuitive evidence, then that's extremely confusing, right? Because we're actually dysregulated.
00:07:16
Speaker
that was a big one for me. And I love that you said that because so many people don't honor that. I remember in one of my little spirals Googling the term like in quotes, trust your gut and OCD. And I stumbled upon one specialist who had like a list of things. And one of them was One of the most destructive things you can do with somebody with OCD is to tell them to trust their gut.
00:07:38
Speaker
And one of the things that's come up over the last, this is now 10 plus years living with this, is how lonely it can feel when people don't understand what you're going through. Not to mention people who aren't even diagnosed with it, right? And how just trapped. Like one of my friends described it as a mental prison and like for other people just who don't understand it and trying to describe it almost feels pointless. And i don't know if you resonate with that at all.
00:08:06
Speaker
Absolutely. I remember trying to confide in friends about it, which I didn't realize was a compulsion. We'll talk about that. But reassurance seeking. I just thought I should talk about it. But the more I did, either I was met with either confirming that my fears are true, right? Oh, well, if you're doubting, then definitely i must not be the right one.
00:08:28
Speaker
yeah which was so missing all the context and the nuance of the anxiety i was experiencing in the root of the anxiety, which had nothing to do with my partner. Right. um i was with a healthy partner. So either I would get confirmation of my worst fear, which is, oh my gosh, I have to break up or I've made the wrong choice, but I clearly want to be in this relationship as parts of me that genuinely want to be here or I wouldn't be So it's so confusing.
00:08:53
Speaker
Or they would just dismiss all the anxiety as, oh, you're just scared. Don't worry about it. And then my scared protector parts are freaking out and feeling completely dismissed and invalidated. So there was no winning there. Yeah. Yeah.
Therapy Approaches for ROCD
00:09:04
Speaker
It's very complicated. and I think one of the things that drew me to your profile and your approach is how integrative and comprehensive it is. And if you could touch a little bit on nervous system, I think as a whole of yeah attachment styles and the IFS work that you do and why those things are so integral with treatment of OCD and treatment of ROCD specifically, because you know As I start to work in my journey with you, I'm excited to really dive into all those pieces that have been mentioned very sporadically and and siloed throughout the 10 years that I've navigated this, but never in one way of putting them all together. And I think that's where I felt like I've been grasping for straws. Totally. Such a good question.
00:09:49
Speaker
so when you ask this attachment, how do attachment styles play a part yeah and also internal family systems parts work? Yeah, for me, i never found that the gold standard for treating OCD and therefore subsets like ROCD to really work for me. So one of the gold standards that a lot of people use as treatment is yeah ERP, exposure and and response prevention. And I think that it can be very effective in some situations and is on a one size fits all, right? So if yeah ERP really calls to someone, trust that and go with that. For me, it didn't work because there were still these parts of me that didn't trust, right? Like to just say a script to myself and just get it like just face my fear enough times that I'm kind of desensitized myself. Yeah, it didn't activate me, you know? It's not the same, right? And so for me, where attachment theory comes in is it's more nuanced than that. Yes, someone might have OCD, whether it's diagnosed or not. I've had a mild to moderate OCD tendencies since i was a little kid. My mom has seen that. I've seen that.
00:10:58
Speaker
I'm not diagnosed, by the way. It wasn't necessary for me to recover. someone wants to diagnose, that's great. There's OCD. And then there's all of our attachment wiring from when we're little. And I think ah they're very intertwined. It's not so black and white. and so if i learned growing up that love is inconsistent, or I don't know when a relationship is going to change. Because as I say, for me, i had a revolving door of father figures, great steady relationship with my mom, the opposite with, ah with male figures in my life.
00:11:33
Speaker
And so that programmed a lot of anxious attachment. And I would also use avoidant attachment tendencies like, Oh, I don't want a dad. I don't want one then. right? if he's If he's not going to be my dad, I don't want one. then i would Then this avoidant part would come in. And so I was unconsciously having all this wiring happen growing up around my attachment styles. And that is what's going to get triggered or activated when we're in a romantic relationship.
OCD as an Inner Protector
00:12:03
Speaker
Then I see the OCD as almost like an inner protector, right? It's like, Okay, interesting. It's like the the response or the tool that this inner protector has found to cope with the lack of certainty and the lack of control in a romantic relationship, because it is a risk of the heart. Even if we're with a healthy, loving partner, and we want the same things in life, there's going to be rupture.
00:12:27
Speaker
There's going to be things that are different than we expected. that Our partner is not perfect. Neither are us. Neither are we. So they're so intertwined. And that's why understanding what is our inner protector? what is you know What are these parts of us that maybe learn to protect the scared, vulnerable parts? And what are they needing? And can we give them a new role that's not ah obsession and compulsion? Right. Right. Yeah, that's interesting. I remember being in a OCD talk and I raised my hand and asked the question, don't you all think that this is some form of manifestation of trauma?
00:13:03
Speaker
And basically, anxiety disorders are still covering up said traumas that people have. And I was kind of banned from that group. I don't think anybody in that group wanted to hear the, I'll say truth, because I do think it's the truth where they just are stuck on the yeah ERP. And I think that that unfortunately might keep other people stuck in only one layer of healing.
00:13:27
Speaker
And yes, it does help for certain people. I agree with you tremendously. But for other people, if you really want to get to the root cause and we want to talk about root cause here, I think that it is a manifestation of trauma. And i think it's interesting how it manifests for certain people over others. right We can talk about addiction. We can talk about that.
00:13:49
Speaker
OCD similarly. And I think while there's treatment in one way, i think there's healing in another way. And I wanted to hear your take on that. I love that. And I love that you bravely in classic Laura fashion. Shamelessly. yeah Spoke your truth. Spoke the truth that lot of people don't want to look at. And obviously there can be genetic components and predispositions to OCD. Fair, yeah.
00:14:14
Speaker
And trauma exacerbates any any pre-existing predisposition to OCD. I've never in all my years of working with hundreds and hundreds of people all over the world, I've never seen an exception. I've never had a client who didn't have some amount of relational trauma that was absolutely playing a part in their ROCD without exception.
00:14:37
Speaker
Yeah. And what do you think from your point of view? i think everybody has a little aspect of call it trauma, big T, little T, however you want to say it in their life. And some people obviously deal with things on a larger, more intense scale, i.e. OCD or addiction or whatever it manifests as, and other people don't. Have you seen, I'm sure, a spectrum of severity kind of were there any factors that contributed to that? Like in the more severe cases versus the more mild? Yeah, or people who might similar relational issues or they grew up with an absent father or whatever, but it never turns into OCD.
00:15:15
Speaker
That's such a great question. yes um One is the genetic component. Often we see that there are other people who've also struggled with some form of anxiety, even if it was never diagnosed in their family. um so I see that a lot. Another just across the board factor that I see is, you know, maybe it's two people that had similar traumas, but one, it really manifested into ROCD one, not so much, I would say,
00:15:44
Speaker
how highly sensitive is their nervous system, right? yes So highly sensitive people, we are 15 to 20% of the population. ah We see those according to Elaine Aaron, who has published works and and books on this subject. It's all higher animals. It's not just humans. We know it's evolutionarily on purpose. Cats, dogs, pigs, monkeys, highly sensitive people are very much on purpose. Now, if 80% of the population was waking up in the middle the night when a leaf is w rustling going, oh, danger, maybe we wouldn't be as high functioning. So I think the 20-80 rule, right? eighty twenty rules there. But we need highly sensitive people. We need people whose nervous systems are highly attuned. And so if anyone listening to this or watching this identifies with this, if you're a deep thinker, a deep feeler. Maybe you were told that you were sensitive growing up.
00:16:39
Speaker
Maybe you can go into existential thoughts more easily and stay there more easily than others. I want you to know like that's not a dysfunction. like There's nothing wrong with you. That's actually a brilliant gift. It has a shadow to it, just like anything. But that's part of what makes you who you are. And it's a gift.
00:17:01
Speaker
Right. You are literally and your brain scientifically, your brain is literally processing more information, more input than most other people's brains and nervous systems. Like, how amazing is that? So, of course, I say this to my clients all the time. Your body is not a Toyota Corolla that you can run into the ground. i don't think anyone's is for the record. Your body is a Lexus. It is high
Managing ROCD in Relationships
00:17:24
Speaker
performing. Yeah. And so it's going to need more self-care and it's going to be be more sensitive two things, ah transitions, micro transitions, right? a new year like we're in right now, anything like that, we feel it, we feel it big. And so of course, we feel it in relationship to others.
00:17:42
Speaker
Yeah, I'm going to start using that. I'm just a Lexus. Chill. Our smoke detector went off the other night in the middle of the night. And here I am Googling what it means and if there's danger. And my partner is literally like, take the batteries out and go back to bed. And I'm like, the two differences in how we operate here is hilarious. But that actually brings up a point that I wanted to ask you is,
00:18:06
Speaker
How do you advise people to work with partners on this dynamic? One, because I think it can be compulsively a topic of conversation. Two, sometimes cop-out or a reason for something. And then three, how do partners healthfully kind of navigate this together?
00:18:27
Speaker
love that question. i don't think it's asked enough and it's really important. So let's say one partner has ROCID, the other one does not, right? So yes, most important for the ROCID partner is to become aware of their anxiety patterns and any tendencies to seek reassurance from their partner or others.
00:18:49
Speaker
And to start creating a new response, right? What's my new response going to be? If my old response was going and seeking reassurance, maybe now it's, I notice the discomfort in my body. And that's a signal to actually step away and practice a few minutes of self-care.
00:19:05
Speaker
Right? So I might even say to your sweetie, Hey, part of me is activated. I'm having some anxiety right now. I'm going to tend to myself. I'll be back in 20 minutes. Yeah.
00:19:16
Speaker
Right. Which actually, things like that can be really helpful for the other partner. A lot of things, something I hear my clients share a lot is like their partner can tell when they're in an anxious episode. And so like trying to act like everything's fine doesn't feel good to either of them. And so even coming up with a playful safe word like cacao, that's a favorite if anyone's watched Portlandia. Okay. Or whatever, right? That just means like, hey, I'm going to take a beat. Hey, I'm activated. Right.
00:19:46
Speaker
ah for the, or just, or practicing language around it, right? Or creating set, like a, maybe if you're already a couple that does a weekly check-in or wants to start doing a weekly check-in where you're just having a relationship conversation about bigger picture stuff, maybe that's something you also get to share. Like, here were some of my, you know, here's some of the things I'm working on around my ROCD this week. Right. So your partner can celebrate you and honor your progress, Yeah.
00:20:13
Speaker
yeah Yeah. How do you ah in that? And I'm goingnna just pin that because i i will insert a little bit about myself when I do that. What would your response be to somebody who says that I'm not as confident in that moment saying that and or taking my own space without feeling the need for reassurance or the need for somebody to be like, what do you need from me? Or like, are you okay doing that? Where I'm still seeking that outside validation in that moment.
00:20:47
Speaker
This is so key. And this is why we don't change our habits, right? This is why we stay in the pattern. right Because every bone in your body is going to say no, is going to fight you and say the opposite. Say, no, I need to move toward my partner right now. I need to move toward some external source of safety. That's literally keeping you stuck in the anxiety and keeping you dependent on that cycle. Or like resentment towards them not coming towards me and helping me. Right. Like sitting and stewing, oh I'm doing my self-care, but they're not doing their job. They should be helping. Exactly. You know, making me feel better. Attuned to me, please.
00:21:22
Speaker
And so what I would invite you to do is start, again, using parts language. and So a part of me knows that what's best for me long term is to go give myself what I'm seeking outside of me, give myself compassion, give myself soothing, give myself long, slow breaths and regulation. Another part of me doesn't feel safe in this yet. This part of me is still learning how to be able to cope.
00:21:50
Speaker
And that's really scary for that part of me. So what might that scared part of me actually need right now to feel 1% safer to self-source my soothing. So maybe have a little conversation with that part of you. Pretend it could talk back. It will.
00:22:06
Speaker
It literally can, right? It might feel like you're making it up at first, but it will speak, right? Maybe it needs a bridge. Like maybe you need a hug and then you're going to go do your work, but you're not going to have a big gushy conversation with your partner where you're trying to get something from them. Right. And I think for me and maybe others, you know that it's happening. So for me, I'll wake up the minute I wake up, thoughts start.
00:22:31
Speaker
Right. And it becomes this like 99% of the day, 24 seven is just thinking, how do I feel about this person? Physical aspects of somebody can be a trigger and then all of a sudden you want to push away. And there's all these tendencies that come into like a tornado of how do I even operate and get even to 1% less activated to show up, you know? And that's, I think, where it becomes like,
00:23:00
Speaker
I did ERP outside of a relationship before, which was, yeah as you can imagine, not as successful as being activated and being in one now um where I'm still dealing two years later because I haven't done some of the work with every day, all day.
00:23:17
Speaker
thinking that it's important to think about my partner and how I feel about them all day. um What would you say to those people who are kind of just starting the journey and noticing that that's their habit and pattern where some of the larger things feel instrumental, you know? Mm-hmm. Yeah. First, i want to speak to just really normalize what you just shared of I wake up and anxious thoughts about relationship might be the very first thing I think about.
00:23:43
Speaker
That can feel really scary and triggering ah because then we assign a lot of meaning and significance to that, which is what OCD does. And so I just want to first of all, normalize that that's extremely common. And it actually makes sense that our brain does that because while we're sleeping, our subconscious is literally like doing its work, right? It's trying, it's reconciling the best it can. It might not have the tools yet, right?
00:24:09
Speaker
because there's also unsafe feeling parts there, but it's like trying to hash through whatever deeper things are up for you. And so it makes sense that that's the first thing you think about when we wake up. That doesn't mean it's our truth, because it's the first thought we had. And for people where it feels so insurmountable, i would invite you to start with baby steps.
00:24:30
Speaker
Something I tell my clients a lot is, and there's always exceptions to this, but something I feel really strongly about is if self-compassion was the only tool we ever used, we would heal.
00:24:44
Speaker
Like that is the deepest medicine. And so if it feels scary the moment you wake up, can we take 30 seconds, five minutes to place a hand on our heart, hand on our tummy, and Give ourselves a little hug and just be with those sensations for a few moments. And think of that, like to almost see that scared part of you that wants to ruminate and go up in your head. See if you can stay with the feelings in your body. That's a really pivotal shift. Yeah.
00:25:14
Speaker
Ask that part, yeah, what is what is she feeling right now? What feels so scary and big? when did she fort What's her earliest memory feeling this way with anyone? Maybe when she was three, maybe when she was 12, maybe two years ago, right? But really start talking to this part of yourself. and relate to it differently, come with curiosity, come with compassion. What does this part need to hear right now? Not to solve everything, but just to feel a little bit more seen. I like to think of it as sitting on the feelings bench with these inner protectors, these scared parts.
00:25:45
Speaker
yeah And so maybe that's just, maybe that part just needs to hear, it's okay to feel this way, and it makes sense that you feel this way. Right. Right. Given all of your trauma history, your relational history, and just how your nervous system is wired. And I'm here with you now. You're not alone in this.
00:26:02
Speaker
hu Such a self-led thing. And it's very interesting because our thoughts can become our best friends and you become almost addicted to them. And that's something that I would label myself as, even though I'll say I'm trying to shift out of that. But, you know, it's hard for other people to watch you sit in suffering, right? Choose to, i don't want to say choose, but be conditioned to live in your head. And I read a book that, don't remember what it was called, but basically it was Don't Believe Everything You Think. And I think that i actually might have been what it was called. And it was just thoughts are thoughts and we don't have to believe them. It's kind of like the clouds in the sky. And yet we become attached to the ones that, and I know OCD attaches to what we care about the most. So it is a very exhausting thing to live with, but you've come up with
00:26:54
Speaker
a strategy for your clients. And I want to give you some time to share, you know, why you chose three key parts and what those parts are and how you kind of attack the OCD side of things for people. Absolutely. Yes. So the as far as what I teach my clients and three of the keys to that,
00:27:14
Speaker
Number one is on the emotional level, right? And I've just given you some examples, right? But dropping out of our head and really into our bodies and making a space for these feelings. OCD and just really this is this is hardwired into all of us regardless of an OCD diagnosis, right? is right Don't feel your feelings.
00:27:35
Speaker
Solve it, right? We're taught to live in our heads. You spoke to that so beautifully. And so we're most people are walking around, especially in Western culture, very disconnected from their bodies and their feelings. And then we wonder why it then unconsciously projects onto other things like, oh, if I just could figure out my relationship.
00:27:54
Speaker
then I'd be happy. It's like what part of me deep in me actually doesn't feel safe or enough. Right. Right. That's why this is coming out. And so. And in those moments of panic though, it's so hard to attach to. And for some people, I think, believe that it stems from that type of. For sure. Or wound.
00:28:13
Speaker
Right. For sure. Yeah. Because our parts are very, are very clever. Right. Yeah. I see like your inner child. I saw like meme or something the other day. This inner child was like, come, come with me into the shadows.
00:28:27
Speaker
And the viewer is like, why? what are you going to show me? It's a surprise. not It's not met, right? Our subconscious doesn't knock on your door and say, hey, you have some trauma from this thing that happened in school when you were six. Can you please work on this now? That's just not how human psychology works. But to come back to these three keys, right? First is the emotional level, right? Really feeling it to heal it.
00:28:52
Speaker
So changing our relationship. to these parts of us that get really activated and go into fear and trauma responses so that they're not running the show anymore is huge. And it doesn't have to be grueling or excruciating either.
00:29:06
Speaker
Like it can actually, like when I lead my clients through this work, it actually feels like, oh, wow. Like in seconds or minutes. I've had clients who've struggled with RCD sometimes for decades. yeah And they're like, wow, I already feel like a calmness coming in.
00:29:22
Speaker
And they did that. I didn't even do that. Right. They source that from themselves. That's true power. The second piece is really like shifting our mindset around this.
00:29:33
Speaker
So like you kind of spoke to thoughts are just thoughts, feelings are not facts. And so when we have a habit of giving them a lot of meaning significance, it's changing our relationship with our mind, right?
00:29:45
Speaker
I like to say it's all made up. You can use your imagination for good or for evil. It's just imagination. It's all made up anyway. So instead of asking, is this thought true?
00:29:57
Speaker
Because you could go around in circles all day and you could find evidence that anything is true. You could find evidence that things are bad or things are good. It's literally a story. Instead, ask yourself, is this thought helpful?
00:30:09
Speaker
Is it leading me closer to peace in myself in this moment, to presence, to self-trust? Is this thought a reflection of like how I want to live in the world and like show up for myself each day? or is this kind of negative or fearful? That doesn't mean it's a bad thought that we need to try to get rid of. To the contrary, we want to welcome in those thoughts because they really come from those scared parts of us that healing.
00:30:34
Speaker
right? But really shifting how we're relating to it and not buying into them so much. One of the most powerful things we can do is notice, wow, I'm noticing a story right now. I'm noticing a story my mind is telling me. Can I just watch the story? Can I just witness the tension in my gut or the fear in my chest for a few moments and not do anything else? Just be here for it from a place of curiosity and compassion. Like that's so hard. So uncomfortable. oh hard So hard. It feels so hard Yes. Because we've been doing it the other way for so long. yeah But that's just ah that's just a habit. It's a neural pathway that we've carved out. we can just We can carve out a new one. And when we have someone to guide us through it, this has been true for my inner work. right I didn't do all of my healing all by myself alone. did a lot of it self-sourced, self-paced. But
00:31:27
Speaker
Oh my gosh, we're not meant to heal all alone in our room on chat GPT. yeah At 2am. ah No, that's not when the healing happens, guys. Right. And so having other people or an expert really to guide us makes little difference. The third piece is really coming back to our self trust.
00:31:46
Speaker
Like, who am I? Maybe you and have a lot of confidence in that. in some areas of your life. But when it comes to relationships, you're like, who am I? What do I want? What am I doing? Right? Because we just are going off this old blueprint.
00:31:59
Speaker
Yep. You spoke about that with um high performing people. Yeah. Right? Exactly. Yet another one of your posts that spoke to me as a you know, aspiring entrepreneur over here who has recently, and I'll say probably since the new year, which, you know, nine days ago you oh, okay, this is my work to do My form of connection has been defined as trauma bonding and so having somebody else see my internal world and try to figure it out with me slash for me and or career because that's where I feel worthy.
00:32:33
Speaker
Everything else feels insignificant, immature, silly. And what the hell are you, why are you talking about this stuff? Because it doesn't matter. right yes And I saw your post about high performing people. What's the correlation that you've seen there?
00:32:47
Speaker
Absolutely. i mean, most of my clients identify as high high achieving, highly successful or high performing individuals, right? So we learn from a young age and my clients have learned from a young age, oh, if I try really hard and I can get good enough and perfect enough, right? If I strive and push harder than everyone else in school, at work, right? College and all these different arenas,
00:33:14
Speaker
yeah then I will be, I mean, this isn't the conscious belief, right? But like, then I'll be accepted. Then I'll be enough. Then I'll be successful. If I'm successful, then I'm happy. What is, I mean, successful in quotes that can mean a lot of different things. Absolutely.
00:33:27
Speaker
And if someone already has a predisposition to anxiety or OCD, deep thinker, deep feeler, then even more so we can fall into these habits of optimizing everything, right? make How can i make it a little better, ah like just right? yeah Because that almost soothes a part of us that doesn't feel right, that doesn't feel okay, just being, right? Oh, it's so hard. Absolutely. And I think As we start to wrap up, one of the things that's also coming up is I started to become obsessed with my own healing as another form of perfection, right? So I was diagnosed with ulcerative colitis two years ago and I was like, oh, now another piece of the puzzle that I can try to figure out. And
00:34:12
Speaker
I became obsessed with getting tests and going to doctors and switching up the doctor and going for another test and trying to perfect this healing ah paradigm that was existing in front of me and be the solver. And yeah ultimately, more work happened when the less that I did, shocker to nobody, but um it took two years to finally see that and see that the hardest work, which for me, it really is the hardest work, is the internal work.
00:34:43
Speaker
which changes everything externally. Yeah, 100%. And as hard as it feels at first, like when I was first doing inner child work or like self-compassion or- even just feeling my feelings, I hated
Importance of Consistency in Healing
00:34:55
Speaker
it. I thought this is stupid, this is corny. I had a fine childhood. I don't need to do this. Like, why am I doing this? This is for someone else with real trauma. Yes. And I hear this people all the time. And so i think let's also just normalize that that's part of it, right? Like when you go to the gym, it's going to feel awkward and clunky and you're gonna have all the pain and none of the visible gain yet. And then you keep going because it's aligned with your values. You keep centering into your bigger why I'm doing this because I want to be healthier and stronger my body or whatever. And you keep going and it gets so much more natural and easy. And start looking forward to it and like, oh, I can't wait to go to the gym.
00:35:37
Speaker
And so my relationship with this inner work has changed so much because I just had to put in some of those reps. I had to stay in the discomfort and in the gap long enough got it that it became second nature. And that's really what mastery is. That's what really healing this looks like.
00:35:56
Speaker
Yeah, it is. And thank you for saying that. I've been the one that's kind of dipped my toe in and bailed when I don't feel change immediately. And literally this morning after the gym, I was like, this is what consistency is. Right. And you kind of just don't think about it. But sometimes when you're sitting with yourself, the discomfort is so real that it becomes, oh, I'm just going to drop this. Nothing's changing anyways. And yeah then it's almost a self-fulfilling prophecy where you're kind of abandoning yourself over and over again. Yeah, so true. And one of the last thing I'll say about that is, you know, I'm a big proponent of, again, this doesn't have to be grueling, it will not always feel easy, but the work is really simple. yeah and
00:36:36
Speaker
part of I think, OCD and anxiety is they tell us that life is hard, and everything has to be hard and exacting and, you know, bad things are going to happen. Actually, there's parts like we get to feel pleasure too, as we're doing this work, right? Like it can actually feel deeply pleasurable, we're going to find ways to bring pleasure into our day day life, not just the work, because honestly,
00:37:01
Speaker
That's why we're here doing it at all, right? Yes. So even giving ourself permission to be happy, to allow this moment to be enough, to experience greater pleasure and joy. That's what it's all about.
00:37:15
Speaker
yeah So if somebody out there was resonating with this and either newly diagnosed might think that they have it, what's one piece of advice that you would offer them?
00:37:26
Speaker
yeah ah First of all, surround yourself with other people, if you can, that are going through the similar thing. Like don't don't try to do it all alone. um Even if that's just joining a free community. So for instance, I have a free Facebook community ah that anyone can join who's experiencing r ROCD. And people say just that alone already starts to feel healing to see, oh my gosh, it's not just me. I'm not crazy. You're not. Yep. Yeah. So start there.
00:37:57
Speaker
um And then if you don't already know, get curious about where this might stem from for you. So much gets easier when we're able to see the root cause, right? So look at some of your relationship history, even if you think you had a great childhood and you probably had great parts of your childhood. We all have a combination. and so But what were your early relationship models like? What were your early first romantic experiences like?
00:38:23
Speaker
maybe you're brand new. And that's part of why this is scary feeling. Right, right. Yeah. i love that Curiosity. And then just as we wrap up, where can people find you?
Resources and Contact Information
00:38:32
Speaker
Yeah, find me at samaralane.com.
00:38:35
Speaker
That's one form of Googling that I condone that I encourage. We'll put it in the notes too. So people can find you. samaralane.com. I'm on Instagram at I'm Samara Lane. You can find me on Facebook on the Facebook group as well.
00:38:49
Speaker
Those would be some great places to get started. Thank you so much for joining me today, shedding all the light, your experiences. And again, from the bottom of my heart, thank you for the work that you're doing, the content that you're putting out there in the lives that you are changing.
00:39:05
Speaker
My pleasure and honor, Laura. i Thank you so much for making this space for people to talk about this really important work. I agree. Thank you. Thank you.