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Stay Sparked #55 "Conflict Resolution & Clearing"
7 Plays1 year ago
It is tempting to avoid conflict and try to keep things harmonious. But those little resentments can build up and be disastrous. We talk about why it builds trust and deepens connections to say the hard things.
MENTIONED:
HALT is an acronym that stands for Hungry, Angry, Lonely, or Tired.
HOSTS
BETSY FINKLEHOO is a healer of massage therapy, CranioSacral and Dharma Coaching. She is an 8 year burner and has spent the last several years seeped in the personal development world, cultivating her passion for transformation and growth. Her recent project, The Power Affirmation Journal and virtual group empowers women to cultivate self awareness and healthy habits so they can live in greater freedom, mind body and spirit.
http://poweraffirmation.com/
Click here to get a FREE affirmation for Stay Sparked Listeners!
HALCYON is full-time Love Ambassador. He is the founder of Hug Nation YouTube channel and daily zoom gratitude circles. He is co-founder of the Pink Heart Burning Man camp and the 1st Saturdays project for people experiencing homelessness. In his free time he coaches individuals on how to live joyfully and authentically. His other podcast is "Hard on the 80's."
http://JohnStyn.com
JANUS REDMOON is a 10-time Burner, and has spent the last several years as an advocate for psychedelic medicine research and treatment. He is the founder and CEO of NuWorld Nutritionals, a nutritional supplement company providing mushroom-based, all-natural products to improve and maintain health for both body and mind. (Use code "SPARKED" for 10% off)
http://www.nuworldnutritionals.com
MASSIVE Thank you to Dub Sutra for their beautiful opening music. Check out their incredible music catalogue online.
https://dubsutra.com
Recommended
Transcript
Introduction to Stay Sparked Podcast
00:00:01
Speaker
Welcome to Stay Sparked.
00:00:03
Speaker
We are three longtime friends here to share inspiration with you, aim to light you up.
00:00:10
Speaker
I'm Betsy.
00:00:11
Speaker
I'm Halcyon.
00:00:12
Speaker
And I'm Giannis.
00:00:14
Speaker
On today's episode, we talk about conflict resolution and clearing.
00:00:18
Speaker
We talk about taking personal responsibility for our own inner conflict.
00:00:22
Speaker
And how to receive our friends and loved ones when they come to us when they might have a conflict they wish to discuss.
00:00:30
Speaker
Enjoy the episode.
The Power of Gratitude
00:00:32
Speaker
Hello, Stay Sparked listeners.
00:00:34
Speaker
We are so grateful that you are here and we always love starting with gratitude.
00:00:39
Speaker
So, Yanis, you want to start us off?
00:00:41
Speaker
What are you grateful for today?
00:00:44
Speaker
Today, I am grateful for...
00:00:48
Speaker
singing in Kirtan specifically.
00:00:51
Speaker
I don't often do those Kirtan circles where there's like chanting and such, but chanting of mantras.
00:00:59
Speaker
But I participated last night for the first time in a long time and was immediately just...
00:01:04
Speaker
dialed in vibrating, feeling a depth of emotion I hadn't felt in a while.
00:01:09
Speaker
So it was really, really good to drop in with some old friends, made up some new friends.
00:01:14
Speaker
It was really a lovely evening.
00:01:16
Speaker
So definitely feeling used up from that still.
00:01:22
Speaker
Amazing.
00:01:23
Speaker
So beautiful.
00:01:24
Speaker
I'm going to just actually dovetail off that because I was there and my gratitude for the facilitator of that kirtan, Prem.
00:01:33
Speaker
He's a dear friend for a long time and he has this beautiful way of guiding others.
00:01:38
Speaker
Kirtan and just heart-centered devotional music.
00:01:42
Speaker
And he taught us so much.
00:01:43
Speaker
So my gratitude is for Prem.
00:01:46
Speaker
If you haven't heard his music, you can find him on Spotify, Prem Music.
00:01:52
Speaker
Maybe we'll get a chance to share one of the songs in the show notes.
00:01:55
Speaker
So thank you, Prem.
00:01:57
Speaker
We love you.
00:01:58
Speaker
Yeah, that was great.
00:01:59
Speaker
Thanks, Prem.
00:02:01
Speaker
Awesome.
00:02:02
Speaker
Well, my gratitude this week is for my old vehicle.
00:02:10
Speaker
My beautiful Lexus SUV 2002.
00:02:14
Speaker
I bought a new car yesterday, which is also awesome, and I'm grateful for that.
00:02:18
Speaker
But yesterday, as I was...
00:02:20
Speaker
taking all the things out of the console, which, oh my gosh, like a clown car helmet stuff I had in there.
00:02:26
Speaker
And then as I was scraping off the stickers, you know, that I put on over the years and seeing the stains and the scratches, and it just, I felt like,
00:02:36
Speaker
an old friend or a trusty steed that has really taken me on so many adventures.
00:02:41
Speaker
And so many times I've slept in the back of it.
00:02:43
Speaker
And, and it was really this like this deep appreciation for this partner that I've had for, for many, many years.
00:02:50
Speaker
And, uh, so feeling grateful for my old car.
00:02:54
Speaker
Oh, I love that.
00:02:55
Speaker
I love how you poured so much just goodness into the letting go process.
00:03:01
Speaker
Yeah.
00:03:02
Speaker
And it's not just a thing.
00:03:03
Speaker
It's like represents a part of your past many years.
00:03:08
Speaker
Yeah.
00:03:08
Speaker
I mean, there's a good chance that my DNA is somewhere in that upholstery.
00:03:12
Speaker
Oh, there's a 100% chance.
00:03:14
Speaker
Well, then it's definitely worth the money then.
00:03:16
Speaker
You should definitely try and sell it.
00:03:17
Speaker
2002, but it has halcyon DNA.
00:03:20
Speaker
Ooh.
00:03:20
Speaker
Yeah.
Why Address Conflict?
00:03:25
Speaker
All right, guys.
00:03:25
Speaker
Well, let's dive in.
00:03:27
Speaker
So we are sparked today to share a conversation around conflict and conflict resolution.
00:03:36
Speaker
This is a very important part of our world and of social dynamics and learning how to face conflict.
00:03:43
Speaker
We've all had our own personal journeys with conflict.
00:03:46
Speaker
Conflict, avoiding conflict, having things work out, having things not work out.
00:03:52
Speaker
And so let's see what kind of sparks we can stir up in this conversation.
00:03:58
Speaker
I'd love to maybe start with you, Halcyon.
00:04:01
Speaker
You and I, I don't think, have ever had a conflict.
00:04:04
Speaker
Neither of us.
00:04:05
Speaker
You take that back.
00:04:07
Speaker
Hey, hey, should we stir one up?
00:04:09
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Hey.
00:04:10
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Hey, stop it.
00:04:10
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Actually, Giannis, I don't know if we have either.
00:04:13
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I'm very grateful that we haven't had to kind of get into any process.
00:04:19
Speaker
But, you know, I'm curious.
00:04:21
Speaker
Oh, he says maybe.
00:04:23
Speaker
Yeah, we you and I had a mini one.
00:04:27
Speaker
It was I wouldn't even call it a conflict, but we were great.
00:04:32
Speaker
And next.
00:04:34
Speaker
You and I were on a group trip to Italy back in the day and still like in the getting to know each other process.
00:04:41
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And I, yeah, this is like 15, 16 years ago, 17 years ago.
00:04:47
Speaker
But I, I spoke, I essentially spoke for you about, like I said, well, Betsy, like you were asked something and, or something was asked and I said, well, well, Betsy is like, does this or prefers that or whatever.
00:05:02
Speaker
I forget, I forget the nature of it, but you came up to me afterwards and you were very matter of fact, not a lot of like rare, but you were definitely like, oh, like, like eye contact and we're like, I would appreciate it if you didn't speak for me.
00:05:15
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something along those lines.
00:05:16
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I was like, Oh, my bad.
00:05:19
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Sorry.
00:05:19
Speaker
And you were just like, that's all then just call it out.
00:05:24
Speaker
And even moved off, call it out was done.
00:05:26
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And but you were very about boom.
00:05:29
Speaker
And that was like very out of because we're all the whole group was like in a flow.
00:05:32
Speaker
It was like this, this, this fun free fall, but you kind of pulled me aside and we're like, bam.
00:05:37
Speaker
And then, oh, wow.
00:05:39
Speaker
But I immediately my respect for is that?
00:05:42
Speaker
Okay.
00:05:42
Speaker
And my respect for you
00:05:43
Speaker
like Klein because I was like, I love how she handled that.
00:05:46
Speaker
I can appreciate being spoken to like that.
00:05:49
Speaker
It was no like, it was just like, boom.
00:05:51
Speaker
And I was like, oh, so that's the only minor conflict that you and I have ever had over the course of the years.
00:05:57
Speaker
Yeah.
00:05:58
Speaker
And Halstead and I have always.
00:05:59
Speaker
Like, just get right to it in that moment.
00:06:02
Speaker
Yeah, well, that was that was on you.
00:06:04
Speaker
That was how that was how you handled it.
00:06:05
Speaker
And I really like was like, I appreciated how she how she
Avoiding Escalation
00:06:08
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handled that.
00:06:08
Speaker
So, yeah.
00:06:09
Speaker
Oh, thank you.
00:06:10
Speaker
You know, I think that's a kind of a powerful thing to be able to address something right away, clear it right away without harboring.
00:06:19
Speaker
Because I think that's sometimes where deeper conflict comes, because if, you know, if I didn't say anything to you in that moment, then I might have started to consider like, oh, man, Giannis is like, you know, he talks over people.
00:06:31
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I might make up a story about you that you don't respect me or something like that.
00:06:37
Speaker
And then that might turn into that grain of sand might turn into...
00:06:40
Speaker
A rock and then a mountain.
00:06:41
Speaker
And then I have this idea of you and then it creates a disconnection.
00:06:45
Speaker
So, yeah, addressing something right in the moment is so powerful, but it's not always easy.
00:06:51
Speaker
So thanks for bringing that back.
00:06:53
Speaker
I mean, you, what, bravo.
00:06:56
Speaker
That is such an awesome example because the, it sounds like you explained the situation.
00:07:04
Speaker
You explained your truth without anger, you know, that this thing happened.
00:07:09
Speaker
That's not the way that I would like it to happen.
00:07:12
Speaker
And so you just expressed it.
00:07:14
Speaker
And when you do it in the moment or even, I mean, that like you can't, oh, I missed the moment.
00:07:19
Speaker
I can't say it.
00:07:19
Speaker
You can still like two days later say, hey,
00:07:22
Speaker
Two days ago, you know, this happened and I'd rather you not do that.
00:07:26
Speaker
And when you can say it without anger, then you establish a trust back and forth and you eliminate that ebble deep inside that's down there deep.
00:07:37
Speaker
And then two years later, you say, you always speak for me.
00:07:40
Speaker
Yeah.
00:07:42
Speaker
And so, and that's when you, it starts to just like fester, fester, fester.
00:07:47
Speaker
And I do think that it can be really, it's scary because like, I would imagine that in that moment,
00:07:54
Speaker
Yanis, you probably felt a little like guilty, maybe like like maybe defensive or something that gets a little stirred.
00:08:03
Speaker
Like, oh, gosh, I did something wrong.
00:08:05
Speaker
And so there is it's it takes courage to bring something up.
00:08:09
Speaker
But if you start to trust the other person that I will say something.
00:08:13
Speaker
If I have an issue and then the other person and I will hear you without being defensive, it takes a lot of practice.
00:08:19
Speaker
But man, what a beautiful
Nonviolent Communication Techniques
00:08:21
Speaker
example that you were doing so long ago.
00:08:23
Speaker
Bravo.
00:08:24
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And that kind of drives hold the point about the importance of speaking to it in the moment.
00:08:33
Speaker
Because the moment is still fresh.
00:08:34
Speaker
The moment is still happening.
00:08:36
Speaker
And even if it's like a few minutes later or what have you, even like a couple days later,
00:08:42
Speaker
But the benefit of speaking that in the moment is I don't have to go back through my memory bank and think about what was happening.
00:08:51
Speaker
And then by then, the longer there's, the more distance there is between the incident and the discussion,
00:08:56
Speaker
we tend to form our own memories about stuff.
00:08:59
Speaker
So when, so I bet if we bring this up a week later, I'd be like, what is she up in arms about?
00:09:03
Speaker
I don't even remember that.
00:09:04
Speaker
It's like, how big of a deal could it have been if it took her a week to mention it?
00:09:09
Speaker
But like speaking to it in the moment, I know it was exactly what she was referring to.
00:09:12
Speaker
It was like, oh, okay.
00:09:13
Speaker
Yeah.
00:09:13
Speaker
Okay.
00:09:13
Speaker
I see that.
00:09:14
Speaker
I got it.
00:09:16
Speaker
Yeah.
00:09:16
Speaker
It takes a practice.
00:09:17
Speaker
Correct.
00:09:18
Speaker
It takes practice and takes courage to be able to trust our own voice to clear something in the moment or within a short timeframe.
00:09:26
Speaker
Because, you know, having the tools to communicate are, it's really important because if I were to have come to you and be like, you know,
00:09:35
Speaker
Project onto, for example, like, why do you why did you talk over me?
00:09:40
Speaker
What's your deal?
00:09:40
Speaker
Why would you have done that?
00:09:42
Speaker
And, you know, come at you without my own taking responsibility for what my needs are.
00:09:49
Speaker
Right.
00:09:50
Speaker
It's just like nonviolent communication, basically, like speaking from my needs.
00:09:54
Speaker
Hey, I noticed when you spoke over me, it made me feel.
00:09:57
Speaker
uncomfortable, would you be willing to not do that again?
00:10:00
Speaker
It's so clear, so direct, so simple.
00:10:03
Speaker
You know, that's a practice.
00:10:06
Speaker
It's like a formula that I love so much, NVC.
00:10:10
Speaker
I wish NVC was taught in high schools because it really has changed my life.
00:10:16
Speaker
And it goes to, you know, to the flip side, I also have had
00:10:22
Speaker
I had a clearing with a woman who I noticed she was getting more and more distant.
00:10:28
Speaker
We were in a women's circle and I just noticed she just wasn't returning my calls.
00:10:33
Speaker
She was just kind of like...
00:10:34
Speaker
Not acting as loving as we had normally been for many, many years.
00:10:40
Speaker
And I checked in with her and we ended up having a clearing.
00:10:44
Speaker
It took a while to get to a place of feeling safe to have a clearing where we met up and I asked her specifically and it was really...
00:10:51
Speaker
It was really vulnerable and really uncomfortable.
00:10:53
Speaker
And I had to really like be courageous to hear what might be going on for her.
00:10:58
Speaker
And she shared with me some things that I had said years before, like eight years before.
00:11:04
Speaker
She had a list of things actually.
00:11:07
Speaker
That I said I did that that she didn't like and that hurt her feelings.
00:11:13
Speaker
But I had no idea at the time.
00:11:16
Speaker
I just had no clue that some of the style of my operating was offensive to her.
00:11:23
Speaker
And so I just kept going and doing the things, you know, and not knowing.
00:11:28
Speaker
And it really created the separation and distance between us because there wasn't that ability to communicate it.
00:11:34
Speaker
And bless her, she also like had to have a lot of courage to come up and speak to me and share those things
The Cost of Unresolved Issues
00:11:42
Speaker
with me.
00:11:42
Speaker
And it was really uncomfortable.
00:11:45
Speaker
You know, to her, I don't know, what I heard from her is that she didn't know how to approach me.
00:11:55
Speaker
It was she tried to just kind of like get over it and make it not a big deal.
00:11:59
Speaker
And that's I think that's a common thing.
00:12:00
Speaker
It's like, well.
00:12:01
Speaker
It's not that big of a deal.
00:12:03
Speaker
Like, you know, we'll use our example.
00:12:04
Speaker
It's like I could have been like, no, it's fine.
00:12:07
Speaker
It's still fine.
00:12:08
Speaker
I don't need to make a big deal about it.
00:12:10
Speaker
And I think that's what she was doing.
00:12:12
Speaker
But really, it was just sweeping it under the rug.
00:12:15
Speaker
She didn't actually clear it.
00:12:16
Speaker
So I think it's really important for us if we are going to kind of try and let go of something, then we really have to let it go.
00:12:25
Speaker
And how do we do that?
00:12:27
Speaker
Yeah, I love this whole concept of clearing.
00:12:31
Speaker
That was new to me in the last few years, the idea of clearing something.
00:12:38
Speaker
Because I think that there is a thought that you're bringing up, why are you bringing up beef?
00:12:45
Speaker
Why are you bringing up something negative?
00:12:46
Speaker
You're disrupting the harmony.
00:12:49
Speaker
You've established some harmony in your being, but there's something under the service.
00:12:54
Speaker
And clearing is saying, I want to be closer to you.
00:12:59
Speaker
I value you.
00:13:00
Speaker
I love you.
00:13:01
Speaker
I want this whatever's between us to be cleared so that I can be closer to you.
00:13:07
Speaker
So even if I'm bringing up something that has a...
00:13:09
Speaker
a difficulty or causes temporary tension, frustration, defensiveness.
00:13:15
Speaker
You're saying this process is out of compassion and connection that I'm doing that.
00:13:21
Speaker
I think it does take courage, but it's beautiful.
00:13:27
Speaker
It does create more closeness.
00:13:28
Speaker
It can.
00:13:29
Speaker
Right.
00:13:30
Speaker
Yeah, it often does.
00:13:32
Speaker
Often does.
00:13:32
Speaker
And I feel like it's one lesson that the medicine, plant medicine has brought home to me.
00:13:40
Speaker
It always puts me, takes my head, puts it face to face in the mirror.
00:13:45
Speaker
Like, it's like, it's case because like, let's focus on you.
00:13:48
Speaker
Let's like, let's focus on the one who's responsible.
00:13:50
Speaker
And the reason your friend, Betsy, has a list of things that agreeances with you is because she didn't address the first one.
00:14:00
Speaker
or even the second one.
00:14:01
Speaker
It's like, if you wouldn't, she wouldn't have a list.
00:14:03
Speaker
If she'd come to you and be like, Hey, Betsy, I don't, I didn't like this.
00:14:06
Speaker
I didn't like that either.
00:14:09
Speaker
Or, or even the first one, then you would have been like,
00:14:13
Speaker
I believe you two could have worked it out back then and be like, oh, okay, this is how you like to be treated and I can do that or I can't do that.
00:14:21
Speaker
So this is where we go our separate ways, whatever.
00:14:23
Speaker
Right.
00:14:26
Speaker
The old saying is like, do unto others as you would have done unto you.
00:14:30
Speaker
And I believe that's wrong.
00:14:33
Speaker
That's not the right approach.
00:14:34
Speaker
You should do unto others as they want done unto them.
00:14:38
Speaker
Treat others how they want to be treated, not how you want to be treated.
00:14:42
Speaker
So it's important that we let people know how we want to be treated because we just, I'm going to treat everybody how I want to be treated.
00:14:48
Speaker
And it's like, but they're not me.
00:14:49
Speaker
So they're not going to, they very well might not like that.
00:14:53
Speaker
So treat others how they want to be treated and you're going to find yourself in a lot less conflict.
00:14:58
Speaker
Yeah.
00:14:59
Speaker
Well, and that also then brings it home to our own personal responsibility to know how to share what our needs are.
00:15:07
Speaker
If I'm not communicating to you the importance of integrity, for example, integrity is a really big one for me.
00:15:15
Speaker
If you are going to, you know, consistently be late to our gatherings or our get togethers, our meetups, and I don't let you know that it really impacts me.
00:15:27
Speaker
then you're going to keep doing it, right?
00:15:29
Speaker
And so it's important for me to take that moment to say, hey, I want to let you know that integrity and time is really important to me.
00:15:36
Speaker
Would you be willing to really prioritize showing up on time for our meetups?
00:15:42
Speaker
And that's like, okay, okay, great.
00:15:44
Speaker
That's my responsibility to ask for that.
00:15:45
Speaker
And if you're like,
00:15:46
Speaker
No, actually, I'm not able.
00:15:48
Speaker
I'm just not a late person.
00:15:49
Speaker
You're just going to have to deal with that.
00:15:51
Speaker
Then I get to choose whether I'm going to let it bother me or I'm going to try and figure out another way to either, you know, maybe have a different friendship with you or we don't have meetups or something, you know.
00:16:04
Speaker
You have a different expectation and then it's up to you how you're going to react to it.
00:16:09
Speaker
I mean, it's so it's so often you hear people go, well, they should know better.
00:16:12
Speaker
They should know better.
00:16:12
Speaker
No, no, that's no.
00:16:15
Speaker
You're not.
00:16:15
Speaker
Well, this person's always late.
00:16:17
Speaker
Therefore, I categorize them as an out of integrity person, you know, and it's like, no, maybe not.
00:16:23
Speaker
Maybe they just didn't know that it's really important to you.
00:16:27
Speaker
They've got a history of their past, their families do things in a certain way.
00:16:33
Speaker
It's always a loose... In the lines of treat others how you'd want to be treated.
00:16:39
Speaker
I know people that have really loose attitudes about time.
00:16:42
Speaker
Like, hey, man, time confines us, man.
00:16:45
Speaker
And so they would totally accept it if you were an hour late.
00:16:49
Speaker
And they would expect you to be cool if they were 10 minutes late.
00:16:53
Speaker
Whereas I feel like...
00:16:57
Speaker
I need to express pretty quickly, yeah, I feel a little disrespected that I'm sitting here and this is my time that we wasted.
00:17:02
Speaker
Now, and I've had relationships with people where we had a pretty clear, I expressed pretty clearly that I'm struggling with my frustration because you're consistently late.
00:17:14
Speaker
And they said, yeah,
00:17:16
Speaker
I, this is my, I know this is an issue.
00:17:19
Speaker
I, I, I can't, I'm not gonna be able to change this.
00:17:21
Speaker
And so then I was able to let go of the anger and say, I'll meet you there.
00:17:26
Speaker
You know, I will set up a different system where I am no longer upset by this reality.
00:17:33
Speaker
This is your truth.
00:17:34
Speaker
We've expressed it.
00:17:35
Speaker
Now I just need to choose.
00:17:36
Speaker
Do I want to integrate it into my life or not?
00:17:39
Speaker
And without any anger.
00:17:42
Speaker
That is well within our ability to adjust our sales in regards to how we how we.
00:17:49
Speaker
Connect with somebody and that and that's fine with them doing that without any sort of like or any sort of like better.
00:17:56
Speaker
There's there needs to be an acceptance to be like, OK, so this is how this is how this person is.
00:18:01
Speaker
That's fine.
00:18:01
Speaker
And we don't always have to have an opinion about everything, but we can just adjust it so that it doesn't come up as an issue.
00:18:08
Speaker
So I guess it's you know, it's like
00:18:11
Speaker
It's taking responsibility for your half of the connection.
00:18:16
Speaker
And if somebody tells you clearly how this is how I show up.
00:18:20
Speaker
And sometimes they don't tell you.
00:18:21
Speaker
Sometimes that's just how they show up.
00:18:23
Speaker
So you pay attention to that and be like, okay, I can take that off the table, which is like doing yourself a favor so that you don't experience frustration, anger, all this other stuff.
00:18:35
Speaker
You can take in the reins so that you don't.
00:18:37
Speaker
So you avoid the conflict in the first place.
00:18:39
Speaker
Mm-hmm.
00:18:40
Speaker
Yeah.
00:18:43
Speaker
I think it's also, I mean, you have to be prepared for, that means it doesn't necessarily end with harmony.
00:18:52
Speaker
Sometimes you can bring up a
Creating Safe Spaces for Conflict
00:18:54
Speaker
clearing and the other person does not agree, does not want to take responsibility, or just you have a total disagreement.
00:19:00
Speaker
And that's one of the risks.
00:19:03
Speaker
But I think it goes...
00:19:04
Speaker
The same situation is like, okay, at least now we know we can now let go of this relationship, let go of our expectations and not harbor this splinter inside and kind of move on.
00:19:17
Speaker
Yeah.
00:19:18
Speaker
And also giving space to allow the emotions to be seen, I think is really powerful, right?
00:19:24
Speaker
Because sometimes we just need our anger, our frustration, our annoyances, whatever it might be, to be seen and know that it's
Managing Emotions in Conflicts
00:19:33
Speaker
okay.
00:19:34
Speaker
You know, how often we get into a fight and it's like,
00:19:37
Speaker
Then I'm going to share my anger with you.
00:19:38
Speaker
And then it turns into defensiveness and then validation.
00:19:41
Speaker
And then it turns into this spiral.
00:19:42
Speaker
And it's like, I just really want to be seen.
00:19:45
Speaker
Like, I want my feelings to be validated.
00:19:48
Speaker
You know, I think that's such a powerful thing to feel when I've been in previous conflict, when the other person will look at me and be like, you have every right to be angry right now.
00:20:00
Speaker
And my whole system just goes, ah, yeah.
00:20:03
Speaker
Thank you.
00:20:04
Speaker
And then it's like, soften.
00:20:06
Speaker
Okay, I can actually let go of some of that now because I feel seen.
00:20:11
Speaker
I don't have to fight for my stance.
00:20:14
Speaker
And so how do we do that for others?
00:20:17
Speaker
How do we really create a safe space for other people's feelings to be hurt?
00:20:22
Speaker
And knowing that maybe we were the ones that contributed to their hurt.
00:20:26
Speaker
That's hard.
00:20:27
Speaker
It's so difficult.
00:20:28
Speaker
We can really, it can be so healing, you know.
00:20:32
Speaker
And then the other piece around that too is having a safe container or safe environment, safe space to be able to allow the emotions to be seen, felt, and heard is essential.
00:20:46
Speaker
Because if there's a conflict that comes up and we try to address it with someone else,
00:20:52
Speaker
In a moment where there's lack of sleep, you know, there's a time compression,
The HALT Technique
00:20:58
Speaker
maybe one of us has to get to a meeting, you know, there is these, I haven't eaten, someone is, you know, just going through something else that's not really usually going to go very well.
00:21:10
Speaker
And so having that safe space to communicate is like, okay, hey, you know what?
00:21:15
Speaker
We have a conflict.
00:21:16
Speaker
We're going to have to address this.
00:21:17
Speaker
Let's set up an appointment where there isn't any time constraints, where we're both well-rested, and talk us out, clear it out.
00:21:25
Speaker
And to be able to have that safe environment, safe container is so essential.
00:21:30
Speaker
Isn't there an acronym regarding that called HALT?
00:21:35
Speaker
And H-A-L-T stands for something like you do not want to have these sort of conversations if you're hungry, angry.
00:21:44
Speaker
I don't know what the L is, but T is tired.
00:21:48
Speaker
And I was like, so you want to go through this, go through this.
00:21:52
Speaker
little acronyms the system and check in and be like, all right, am I one of these things?
00:21:55
Speaker
Is the other person one of these things?
00:21:57
Speaker
If so, then we got to table it and come back when it's not an ad.
00:22:01
Speaker
Yeah.
00:22:01
Speaker
Well, I guess we'll look that up and see what the, see what the, we'll figure it out.
00:22:04
Speaker
We'll put it in the, in the show notes.
00:22:06
Speaker
Yeah.
00:22:06
Speaker
Yeah.
00:22:07
Speaker
So I, I want to turn you to, and for me, uh, go ahead, I'll say, I'll, I'll turn us.
00:22:13
Speaker
I was, I've, I've, I'm, I'm being aware as we're listening.
00:22:17
Speaker
Like for me,
00:22:20
Speaker
Being aware of my defensiveness and my desire to defend myself is really hard and strong.
00:22:27
Speaker
And for it to work for me in these conversations, I have to really kind of like preemptively think to myself,
00:22:37
Speaker
don't get defensive or check your defensiveness, be listening.
00:22:42
Speaker
Cause I, this is a really strong desire for me to justify myself and, and to, to be liked, you know, and to, and so as I hear someone's truth, I,
00:22:52
Speaker
A part of my brain feels responsible and wants to defend myself.
00:22:57
Speaker
And if I can in advance kind of know that that is a tendency of mine.
00:23:03
Speaker
And so try to listen to like hear that part of my inner voice and also like suit it and then listen to the person in front of me that can help me to.
00:23:14
Speaker
to to not react you know and to try to which it's not easy for me but it it experience has shown it's critical yeah that's like nervous system regulation knowing how to regulate your nervous system in a moment where there is potential for challenge conflict fight or flight you know the defensiveness is ha you know
00:23:38
Speaker
It's like it's the sympathetic nervous system, right, coming on light.
00:23:41
Speaker
So how do we learn to regulate our nervous system when there is something that's coming up?
00:23:48
Speaker
And one of my favorite is breath.
00:23:51
Speaker
You know, the deep, slow breaths is like a message to the body.
00:23:56
Speaker
To just be present.
00:24:00
Speaker
Don't get all worked up.
00:24:01
Speaker
Right.
00:24:01
Speaker
And I think that one of the other things is to be able to be aware when our heart rate starts going up, when the anxiety starts to rise.
00:24:10
Speaker
Right.
00:24:10
Speaker
I'm sure we've all been there when you're in a conversation with somebody and then you feel balanced and then all of a sudden I'm feeling the things in my body.
00:24:20
Speaker
Usually that's a really good moment to pause.
00:24:24
Speaker
Step away for a moment.
00:24:26
Speaker
Go self-soothe.
00:24:28
Speaker
Find equilibrium.
00:24:30
Speaker
Breathe.
00:24:31
Speaker
Do some tapping.
00:24:32
Speaker
You know, tapping is an emotional freedom technique that always helps to just kind of bring a balance.
00:24:38
Speaker
Because it's really difficult to think clearly when our emotions are heightened.
00:24:44
Speaker
And that's when we start spitting out all kinds of things, the defensiveness and the projections and all these things that are not really coming from our most centered state of awareness and listening, like you mentioned.
00:24:57
Speaker
And in a trusted relationship, that is really a wonderful thing to gift each other the practice of when you can say, I'm feeling...
00:25:13
Speaker
triggered.
00:25:14
Speaker
I'm feeling aggravated.
00:25:15
Speaker
I'm feeling, I'm going into the red.
00:25:17
Speaker
And if the other person can
00:25:21
Speaker
allow you to take a break and step.
00:25:24
Speaker
And because I think when the momentum gets going, it's really hard to say, oh, well, go ahead, walk away right now, even though I'm frustrated.
00:25:36
Speaker
But, you know, but when you, you know, you can do a little bit of inquiry and study and like your brain is not at a certain point,
00:25:46
Speaker
it's no longer beneficial to continue this conversation, you know?
00:25:50
Speaker
And I've had relationships with people where I've gotten much better.
00:25:55
Speaker
I went, oh, I need a break.
00:25:57
Speaker
And that makes them crazy.
00:26:00
Speaker
And so they do not allow me to walk away
00:26:03
Speaker
And then I get into a place where I'm almost like out of my mind, you know, like the yelling and the stuff.
00:26:09
Speaker
And I will act in ways to make myself safe.
00:26:14
Speaker
And sometimes that means yelling so loudly or hitting a door or something like that to try to like, I'm always ashamed afterwards.
00:26:21
Speaker
And it's been a while since I've done that.
00:26:23
Speaker
But it's like the knowledge that when the engine starts to overheat, you gotta...
00:26:32
Speaker
Let it cool down.
00:26:33
Speaker
That being said, you also have to promise one another that you will revisit the topic.
00:26:39
Speaker
But if that's built into your relationship, I will let you cool down and you will promise to come back to the table.
00:26:49
Speaker
I think that is so important.
00:26:52
Speaker
Yeah, that's what makes this stuff so challenging and so difficult is that those parties need to have a certain amount of work on themselves.
00:27:05
Speaker
And in order to get to a place where you can have this sort of conversation and be able to
00:27:10
Speaker
Know yourself well enough to be like, all right, I am going to need to take a break from this and we can revisit this like very soon.
00:27:18
Speaker
But right now I can't do this.
00:27:20
Speaker
And to be on the receiving end of that, to be like, okay, I, that's fine.
00:27:24
Speaker
And we can do that.
00:27:25
Speaker
So on and so forth, because.
00:27:27
Speaker
You know, there's the same reason, you know, the reason that we're in conflict in the first place is because we have both parties, at least one has been triggered, which often triggers the other person.
00:27:37
Speaker
I think more often than not.
00:27:39
Speaker
And you have to be able to override that trigger or to be able at least to recognize it, which then helps you override it and be like,
00:27:46
Speaker
okay, well, I really, really, really want to talk about this right now, but then be able to see the big picture, like, all right, if I push this, this is not going to go well.
00:27:55
Speaker
So I'm going to give you this thing that you want that I really don't want, but in order to, you know, in order for us to come to a solution later,
00:28:06
Speaker
problem is that if one party is always the one doing that or vice versa, then I think people tend to kind of look at each other and be like, all right, so why we keep tripping over the same pebble or the same obstacle?
00:28:18
Speaker
And I'm always the one who has to wait.
00:28:23
Speaker
I'm always the one who has to sit.
00:28:24
Speaker
But then using the word always and never are two words you should always say.
00:28:31
Speaker
Avoid using the word always.
00:28:32
Speaker
Especially in conflict.
00:28:34
Speaker
Especially in conflict.
00:28:35
Speaker
Yes.
00:28:36
Speaker
Yeah.
00:28:37
Speaker
Absolutely.
00:28:38
Speaker
I love what you're sharing around each person having to do their own inner work.
00:28:43
Speaker
Because what we're speaking to now is conflict with others.
00:28:48
Speaker
And we also have inner conflicts.
00:28:51
Speaker
all the time.
00:28:53
Speaker
Our relationship to our inner voice is a very real relationship or inner voices, I should say, you know, and so when we can really come inside ourselves and check in with what our own conflict is with ourself or with these outside influences, that is an essential part of being able to find harmony and balance in our outer relationships.
00:29:15
Speaker
And
00:29:15
Speaker
Because if we are deeply dissatisfied with who we are or how our life is or just, you know, very deep, complex programming or what's going on inside, then it's usually going to...
00:29:32
Speaker
ripple out into our relationship so if there's a lot of conflict we have a lot of frustrations with a lot of different people and you know always a victim always looking at other people that's a major signpost to look at what is the inner conflict that is going on inside of me and how do we address our own inner conflict right it's not easy to do on your own because it's those little voices inside none of them are likely therapists right
00:29:57
Speaker
You know, it'd be great if we all had like a little therapist inside, you know, to like talk to those different voices inside that are giving us, you know, troubles.
00:30:06
Speaker
But we just don't, you know.
00:30:08
Speaker
And so it is really an essential, I think, and so beautiful these days that therapy and that these resources are much more available, much more acceptable.
00:30:20
Speaker
Not so long ago, it was sort of taboo to go to therapy and
00:30:23
Speaker
you know, to look at ourselves, look at our relationship to our inner voice, our own inner processes, you know, it is so essential because our relationships in the world can be a direct mirror of what's going on and on the inside.
00:30:41
Speaker
You know, if we're trying to be so forceful around our stance on something,
00:30:46
Speaker
And it's not a landing for someone.
00:30:49
Speaker
Then how do we start to shift inside so that way we can feel seen and heard?
00:30:55
Speaker
Right.
00:30:57
Speaker
Yeah.
00:30:58
Speaker
This is a deep, deep process.
00:31:00
Speaker
Of course, we can go on so many different threads with this with this conversation.
00:31:04
Speaker
But I feel like.
Reevaluating Friendships
00:31:07
Speaker
That's important.
00:31:07
Speaker
Well, speaking of therapists, I'm going to turn you both into my therapist for a moment.
00:31:13
Speaker
So because despite all the big talk that we've just done about how to do this, I feel like...
00:31:23
Speaker
Sometimes there is a situation where, and I'm perfectly open to the notion that I may have handled this wrong, but I recently had an issue with a friend where I kind of just realized that they haven't been the best friend over the course of our friendship and that,
00:31:41
Speaker
There was a lot of me holding space for them to process their emo dumps about their family and their relationship and their friends and so on and so forth.
00:31:52
Speaker
And I'm not the kind of person who really has emo dumps on occasion, so I don't necessarily need my friends for that on occasion.
00:32:00
Speaker
Sure.
00:32:00
Speaker
But this person is pretty regularly doing that.
00:32:04
Speaker
And when I finally had some issues that I could use a friend's ear for, they were absolutely not there for that.
00:32:12
Speaker
To the point that they almost like wanted to be there for that, but it was like squirrel.
00:32:16
Speaker
and they're off.
00:32:17
Speaker
They're distracted.
00:32:18
Speaker
They're just not.
00:32:19
Speaker
Even when they would ask, I would start to get into it.
00:32:22
Speaker
And a few moments into it, they would just like eyes glaze over or something would happen.
00:32:28
Speaker
They would just I was left like mid sentence a couple of times, like just in mid share after they had asked why they just I literally just moved off and started doing something else.
00:32:38
Speaker
So I'm just like and then I'd finally like just hit me wrong.
00:32:42
Speaker
Like what happened?
00:32:43
Speaker
I was like,
00:32:45
Speaker
this has been three and a half years of this.
00:32:47
Speaker
What am I doing?
00:32:48
Speaker
What am I doing?
00:32:49
Speaker
And instead of it, it never really bothered me so much, but it all bothered me all at once.
00:32:54
Speaker
Like, and I was at the point, I was like, I don't, I think I'm just like out.
00:32:59
Speaker
I think I'm just done.
00:33:01
Speaker
And it wasn't a situation like it didn't even occur to me like to, to have a, to have a talk about it.
00:33:05
Speaker
I was almost just like,
00:33:07
Speaker
you know, no, no, either.
00:33:09
Speaker
I've got I haven't I have enough friends.
00:33:10
Speaker
I have enough solid friends.
00:33:12
Speaker
I don't need to necessarily feel like I want to try to repair this one.
00:33:15
Speaker
And I had reasons for thinking that, which I'm not saying we're valid, but I had reasons.
00:33:19
Speaker
And then I just kind of was like, all right, I'm just kind of out back away.
00:33:24
Speaker
Yeah.
00:33:25
Speaker
Did I handle that badly?
00:33:27
Speaker
Might be a question, but I think how badly did I handle that?
00:33:31
Speaker
It might be the better question.
00:33:32
Speaker
I think no.
00:33:33
Speaker
I mean, I think it's the
00:33:36
Speaker
the, the badly could only be if you, um, in the way that you establish what your needs are, you know?
00:33:44
Speaker
So, I mean, like if you, I think that, that figuring out that this is not a relationship that you want to put energy into anymore, that's not good nor bad.
00:33:53
Speaker
I mean, that's, that's good.
00:33:53
Speaker
That's like, look, you're, you're establishing what you need.
00:33:57
Speaker
Um, and I, I think the badly
00:34:01
Speaker
path would have been being angry at that person.
00:34:04
Speaker
You know, once you realize that this, this relationship was not what you wanted to just step away or move beyond it, I think is, is the healthy way.
00:34:15
Speaker
Um, if that person then confronted you and said, what's going on, then you'd have an opportunity for a clearing.
00:34:20
Speaker
Um, but I think it's up to you if you want it to, how much you want to invest in, in making them know why that's the thing that's up to you.
00:34:28
Speaker
Yeah, and I think also not only knowing how much you want to invest, you know, or them to know, but how much do you want to invest in the potential of growth?
00:34:39
Speaker
You know, I think that's always my question because I've been in this situation before too where I start to feel that there's something out of balance with a friendship and I start to kind of check in with myself.
00:34:52
Speaker
Do I want to lean in and share with this person that
00:34:56
Speaker
to let them know how their actions are impacting me and our friendship?
00:35:01
Speaker
Or is this a friendship that I'm okay with them being more on the periphery and just gently move back?
00:35:07
Speaker
You know, I think that that's really important.
00:35:10
Speaker
And also checking in with,
00:35:12
Speaker
Do I feel this person is going to be able to receive what I have to say about my needs?
00:35:16
Speaker
Right.
00:35:17
Speaker
So I had I just had something similar happen where I had this this girlfriend I would consider her pretty close friend.
00:35:26
Speaker
There was this pattern that I was just noticing over many months of this sort of neediness.
00:35:32
Speaker
always needing something, always being really like kind of not attentive to anyone else in the space and me.
00:35:40
Speaker
And it was always about her.
00:35:41
Speaker
And she at any time she would come into any environment, it was like, oh, can you help me with this?
00:35:45
Speaker
Can you help me with that without offering anything back?
00:35:49
Speaker
And I was kind of starting to feel like, I don't know if I really want to be like hanging out with this person anymore.
00:35:54
Speaker
It just feels like draining.
00:35:57
Speaker
And I really got to check in with myself around.
00:35:59
Speaker
Do I share this with her?
00:36:01
Speaker
And then my energy started to pull back and she's sensitive.
00:36:06
Speaker
So she actually noticed.
00:36:09
Speaker
And so she was the one that checked in with me and was like, hey, I'd love to have a call with you.
00:36:14
Speaker
I'm just noticing some things coming up.
00:36:17
Speaker
And, you know, we got to have that conversation around.
00:36:20
Speaker
I got to share with her how I really felt.
00:36:24
Speaker
She was available for it.
00:36:26
Speaker
She was the one that initiated that conversation.
00:36:28
Speaker
She really wanted to learn and grow.
00:36:31
Speaker
And in that conversation, she was so grateful that I shared with her around this, how I actually felt around this sense of neediness.
00:36:40
Speaker
And I'm very grateful to be able to have had some practice as well with some other dear friends.
00:36:46
Speaker
Big shout out to my pandemic peeps, because living in a house with four adults in quarantine, we got to really practice nonviolent communication and
00:36:59
Speaker
and ways of communicating when something was not feeling good.
00:37:03
Speaker
Because I could have been like, you're always so needy.
00:37:07
Speaker
And if you were to come to your friend and be like, it's always about you.
00:37:10
Speaker
And what's your deal?
00:37:10
Speaker
You don't care about me.
00:37:12
Speaker
That's projection.
00:37:14
Speaker
But if you do want to cultivate more deeper intimacy with this person and you think they're receptive, then approaching them from that place of saying, hey, I'd love to have a conversation with you around how I'm feeling.
00:37:25
Speaker
One of the ways I've done this with a girlfriend before was I said, hey, I'm noticing the garden of our friendship needs a little tending.
00:37:36
Speaker
Would you be willing to get on a call or go for a walk?
00:37:39
Speaker
Because I just am noticing there's like just some energy that I'd love to check in with you about.
00:37:44
Speaker
I was like, oh, yeah, amazing.
00:37:46
Speaker
So this person is open to that.
00:37:48
Speaker
Then it's like, hey, OK, now I get to use my my.
00:37:51
Speaker
big girl words and say, hey, I'm noticing that, you know, the last few times or many times, or maybe in your case, the last few years since we've been friends, I've just kind of started to notice there's something that's out of balance for me.
00:38:04
Speaker
I'm so happy to hold space for you and hear about what you're, you know, processing and your emotions.
00:38:10
Speaker
And I've seen you grow a lot.
00:38:11
Speaker
Acknowledgement, right?
00:38:12
Speaker
I see you.
00:38:12
Speaker
I hear you.
00:38:13
Speaker
I love you.
00:38:14
Speaker
And also, I'm just noticing that when when it's my turn to share what's going on for me, I don't feel heard.
00:38:21
Speaker
And I feel maybe that you're disinterested and that really hurts my feelings.
00:38:26
Speaker
So would you be willing to let me know what's happening for you over there?
00:38:30
Speaker
And actually, do you care about my feelings?
00:38:33
Speaker
Because that's really important to me.
00:38:35
Speaker
It's very different than being like, you don't care about me.
00:38:38
Speaker
So we get to choose to kind of to kind of wrap that up.
00:38:41
Speaker
It's like I feel like it's important for us to really tune into how much energy do we want to put into a friendship?
00:38:48
Speaker
Is this person that you're speaking about somebody that you really would like to cultivate a long term relationship with?
00:38:56
Speaker
And if so, then yeah, lean in.
00:38:59
Speaker
Lean into those uncomfortable places and clear it.
00:39:02
Speaker
Or if not, then just compassionately and gently start to keep them in a different position in your life where you're maybe not holding as much space for them.
00:39:12
Speaker
You know, they'll find two other things in that realm.
00:39:15
Speaker
One is, is I think that if you notice that you are doing that frequently with people, you know, and that, that when relationships get to be a little iffy that you like, ah, I'm done with this.
00:39:26
Speaker
I'm just, I'm done with this.
00:39:27
Speaker
And I know people that that was their, their way of dealing with things was I'm not friends with them anymore.
00:39:31
Speaker
I'm not friends with them anymore.
00:39:33
Speaker
So if it's a common thing, then I think it's something to, to work on in yourself.
00:39:36
Speaker
And the other thing that made me think of is I witnessed, uh,
00:39:41
Speaker
my partner and a dear friend of hers, when they have a really deep communication and they've really invested in one another.
00:39:51
Speaker
And so if they were in your situation, Giannis, and someone started dumping, they're comfortable saying,
00:40:01
Speaker
I was really hoping that we could just be together and have a good time today.
00:40:06
Speaker
And it's not expected that you're just going to receive the dumping all the time.
00:40:11
Speaker
And trusting one another to speak that is like, that's the next level of like, okay, cool.
00:40:17
Speaker
Like, can I trust you to also communicate your boundaries, knowing that you have space for me, you love me, but in this moment, if you give me that,
00:40:28
Speaker
I'm gonna kind of resent it a little bit.
00:40:30
Speaker
It's not really where I wanna be.
00:40:31
Speaker
So trusting each other to communicate that is like next level stuff.
00:40:36
Speaker
Oh, totally.
00:40:37
Speaker
I love that too.
00:40:37
Speaker
Cause I just had that happen with a friend of mine where I had just finished doing two massages and very deep healing sessions.
00:40:45
Speaker
I was hungry.
00:40:46
Speaker
I had a phone call with a friend and all of a sudden he just starts going on and telling me all this and asking my advice, all this stuff.
00:40:54
Speaker
And I was like, wait, wait, wait, can we pause for a second?
00:40:55
Speaker
I was like, Hey, I love you.
00:40:57
Speaker
And I don't have capacity right now to hear what you're saying or hold space for you.
00:41:03
Speaker
And he was like, Oh, Oh,
00:41:06
Speaker
Oh, OK, got it.
00:41:07
Speaker
It took him a moment to be like, wait, what?
00:41:11
Speaker
But then he totally readjusted and was like, oh, right.
00:41:15
Speaker
OK, yeah, I hear you.
00:41:17
Speaker
And it does take something to be able to say, hey, I don't have that capacity right now to actually hear what you're saying and to really give you the support that you need right now.
00:41:26
Speaker
And I think that's a cultivation, being able to speak up for that, because so often there's so much people pleasing and we want to like overextend and be there and boundaries are practiced.
00:41:40
Speaker
And to reiterate, yeah, it takes a lot of work to be able to receive that, to
Expressing Personal Needs
00:41:47
Speaker
hear that.
00:41:47
Speaker
From your friend's standpoint, it's super easy for you to be like,
00:41:51
Speaker
Well, you know, I don't have the capacity for that right now.
00:41:53
Speaker
And then for the other person to be like, oh, well, then I'm sorry.
00:42:00
Speaker
I'm sorry.
00:42:00
Speaker
I'm sorry.
00:42:01
Speaker
I'm just like bending your ear so much.
00:42:03
Speaker
It's like, we just take stuff so personally.
00:42:07
Speaker
And it kind of comes back to
00:42:09
Speaker
You know, we're all familiar with the four agreements and those books are so deceptively simple that we just like, we read these things and it's like, well, of course, of course that makes perfect sense.
00:42:22
Speaker
But one of the four agreements, don't take anything personally, is so huge because we're so wired to take things.
00:42:32
Speaker
The slightest affront even is, like it's not a affront at all.
00:42:36
Speaker
And we can sometimes see it as a minor one.
00:42:39
Speaker
if we've done a good amount of work or a major one, we haven't done any work, but just to, just to not take it personally and to realize that, that, that somebody expressing themselves towards us, like, Hey, I, I can't, I done, I didn't like when this happened or I don't have the capacity to receive you in this way right now.
00:42:53
Speaker
It's like, that's somebody telling you what they want or somebody telling you what they need.
00:42:57
Speaker
That is a gift.
00:42:59
Speaker
That is something that you can, you don't have to do anything with it in the moment, but you can just be like, Oh, okay.
00:43:04
Speaker
Okay.
00:43:05
Speaker
Got it.
00:43:05
Speaker
Thank you.
00:43:07
Speaker
And if they're a friend of yours, you consider that a friend of yours, you know, hold them in the space of, okay, this is my friend telling me what they need or telling me what they don't have capacity for.
00:43:19
Speaker
That's what friends do.
00:43:22
Speaker
And, you know, that's what friends... I don't mind receiving like an email dump to refer to that because that's what friends do.
00:43:28
Speaker
Sometimes they're there for that if they have the capacity.
00:43:30
Speaker
So telling your friends what you want and being told
00:43:35
Speaker
what they want is, uh, they're, they're real gifts.
00:43:38
Speaker
There's nothing, no reason to take it personally.
00:43:39
Speaker
It's an opportunity to, uh, to deepen the friendship and then deepen the connection.
00:43:44
Speaker
Perception.
00:43:45
Speaker
That was everything.
00:43:48
Speaker
Sorry.
00:43:50
Speaker
Yeah, there's, there's, so the, that has been one of the, the big gifts as I'm developing a relationship with my partner of, of,
00:44:03
Speaker
reminding each other frequently uh this isn't personal you know like i think that we part of recognizing that it's not personal in someone else is practicing being aware of your own oh i'm not at my best right now you know i'm i'm and and you're sometimes not at your best and so not holding on to those nuggets and if you are holding on to them
00:44:28
Speaker
doing a clearing.
00:44:29
Speaker
One of the things, the most awesome tools that I've been using in this partnership is, is there anything you don't want to say to me?
00:44:39
Speaker
Is there anything you don't want to say to me right now?
00:44:41
Speaker
And every once in a while saying that because
00:44:44
Speaker
we practice it with a little bitty things, you know, like, uh, I'm getting an example right now.
00:44:49
Speaker
Like, you know, I, I was annoyed that you, you waited for that parking place, you know, when there was so many other parking places a block away.
00:44:57
Speaker
Um, because it's the, the, those little bitty things that we think is nothing.
00:45:03
Speaker
We think we have harmony.
00:45:04
Speaker
We think we've put it away.
00:45:05
Speaker
And then,
00:45:07
Speaker
It builds up and we come out when we're weak, when we're tired, when that one thing hits us wrong and it has nothing to do with them.
00:45:15
Speaker
But trying to keep it empty, keep that like, okay, let me just trust that if I tell you the truth, that you're going to work on your defensiveness and hear it.
00:45:25
Speaker
And we're going to just keep, our goal here is deeper connection.
00:45:29
Speaker
Our goal is deeper connection.
00:45:31
Speaker
And even if there's some tension to get there, that we trust each other.
00:45:36
Speaker
Yes, there's something called a radar.
00:45:38
Speaker
It's a meeting for couples.
00:45:41
Speaker
I think it's through the Multiamory group that kind of put that out.
00:45:48
Speaker
Some coaches, I think it's a podcast, but the radar is a concept that is really creating a meeting, however often you want to do it, weekly, you know, bimonthly, whatever, where you put into that meetup
00:46:05
Speaker
What's on your radar?
00:46:07
Speaker
Right.
00:46:07
Speaker
I think it's really geared for really polyamory people that are seeing multiple people and dating multiple people to be able to have a safe place to communicate these different things.
00:46:18
Speaker
But I think it can be also used in monogamy as well, where it'll say, hey, we have a radar.
00:46:23
Speaker
We have a radar on Saturday.
00:46:24
Speaker
And then I can start to think about like, oh, OK, there's some things that I want to.
00:46:28
Speaker
Check in with this person about, you know, what's on my radar?
00:46:32
Speaker
What am I tracking?
00:46:34
Speaker
And then also, like, I think that question is if there's something that you haven't said to me that you feel like needs to be shared or is there anything that you've been scared to say to me or vice versa?
00:46:46
Speaker
And then like creating that, again, a safe place to be able to communicate authentically and honestly without all the heated emotions, without all any other outside influences, distractions, and that sort of thing can really support much more harmony in our relationships.
00:47:03
Speaker
And when we have more harmony in our relationships, we have more harmony in the world.
00:47:07
Speaker
And it really is a valuable, valuable gift that we can give to ourselves and each other.
00:47:13
Speaker
Yeah.
00:47:14
Speaker
And excuse me, the, um, the radar, you know, I want to, to, to make note the, the radar, uh, framework, um, of, um, conversation and conflict resolution is, is designed specifically for intimate relationships.
Scheduling Conflict Discussions
00:47:31
Speaker
Um, you can use it with, uh, you can use it with friendships and such, but it really is, is,
00:47:38
Speaker
most it's best applicable towards intimate relationships no matter no matter what the dynamic of that relationship is so and i find what's what's coming up for me as a um as a as a you know closing spark um is is the idea of when it comes to that specifically a lot of times when i
00:48:01
Speaker
have a when i'm in conflict with my partner or something comes up and we have a we set a time to discuss it like okay like this came up on wednesday but we're gonna have a discussion on you know conflict resolution discussion over the weekend a lot of times between the conflict and the discussion that is coming up
00:48:19
Speaker
I could find that it's kind of my own stuff that is kind of, that is like, that has produced the conflict.
00:48:25
Speaker
So I'm able to be like, all right, this is me, like just doing the thing that I do kind of processing it myself.
00:48:32
Speaker
And then by the time, you know, the time to talk about it,
00:48:35
Speaker
comes up, it's I've moved through it.
00:48:37
Speaker
I moved past it.
00:48:38
Speaker
And you're like, all right, you know, that conflict that we were going to talk about, that was just me and my BS.
00:48:42
Speaker
So I worked it out.
00:48:44
Speaker
You're fine.
00:48:45
Speaker
And, but just the idea for me, what works is the idea of knowing that there's freedom to discuss it and that there, and that we are, that my partner's open to it.
00:48:55
Speaker
A lot of times that is almost enough for me.
00:48:57
Speaker
And sometimes it is enough for me to just be like, all right, I worked through it.
00:49:00
Speaker
I'm good.
00:49:01
Speaker
It's just, you know, cause, cause stuff is always going to come up.
00:49:03
Speaker
Um,
00:49:04
Speaker
not always with friends, but often intimate relationships.
00:49:06
Speaker
So it's just a matter of finding a way to deal with it that is easy and easeful and doesn't necessarily make a make a mountain out of a molehill.
00:49:16
Speaker
Sometimes it's just sometimes it's just a molehill.
00:49:18
Speaker
We just like we just stumbled, we tripped, just like a fly, pick herself up, moving on.
00:49:23
Speaker
Let's keep it moving.
00:49:27
Speaker
Beautiful.
00:49:28
Speaker
Yeah.
00:49:28
Speaker
I think my, my clothing spark is that just the, to, to reframe and remember that it's that this, we were trying to smooth out the molehills out of love, out of desire for closeness.
Reframing Conflict as Connection
00:49:45
Speaker
And that, that they, so often I think that there's a, I want to avoid conflict.
00:49:53
Speaker
I want to avoid disruptance.
00:49:55
Speaker
I want to seek harmony.
00:49:57
Speaker
And the sacrifice and the consequence is this low-grade separation.
00:50:05
Speaker
And if you can build a communication and a trust in whatever relationship, friendship, business, romantic, where you create that safe space to share,
00:50:20
Speaker
The potential is so powerful.
00:50:22
Speaker
And I think one of the ways, I guess another closest part is to make it safe is when someone trusts you with a difficult thing is to make sure that you genuinely say, thank you.
00:50:36
Speaker
Like, thank you for having the courage to tell me that thing, knowing that it could be difficult for this moment that we're having right now.
00:50:46
Speaker
Thank you for trusting me enough to share something hard.
00:50:50
Speaker
Yes, beautiful.
00:50:52
Speaker
Completely agree with all of that and want to just share my closing spark is around our own personal responsibility to learn how to communicate.
00:51:06
Speaker
I think that that is a essential part of our work in the world is if we want to have healthy relationships, then it's important for us to know how to communicate with
00:51:17
Speaker
with love and with kindness and self-responsibility and understanding and being there for ourselves and for another person.
00:51:28
Speaker
Because if I'm not doing my own inner work, then it's going to be very difficult to face challenges that come on the outside, right?
00:51:35
Speaker
And so learning how to listen, learning how to respond, learning how to help someone feel heard and seen, learning how to speak what our needs are,
00:51:48
Speaker
If we don't cultivate that skill within ourselves, then it's just going to be so much more inner conflict, you know, more sweeping things under the rug and build up and the grudges and resentments and
00:52:04
Speaker
All of that turns into disease in the body.
00:52:08
Speaker
And so if we want to be healthy and have long living lives, then it's important for us to do our own inner work.
00:52:16
Speaker
So I think that that's my biggest takeaway and spark from this conversation.
00:52:22
Speaker
Always good to be reminded of that practice of doing our own inner work.
00:52:28
Speaker
Yeah, I've got I've got a spark.
00:52:32
Speaker
Just kind of kind of came up for me and it's something that I.
00:52:37
Speaker
I try to really remember, but it's, I believe it's, it's, it comes from Buddhism, but it says that everything that you, especially applicable to, but really kind of almost any, any area in life is that every, everything you say, every word you say should pass through three gates before you say it.
00:52:59
Speaker
The first gate is, is it true?
00:53:03
Speaker
The second is, is it kind?
00:53:06
Speaker
The third gate is, is it necessary?
00:53:09
Speaker
If what you're about to say can pass through all three gates, then let it fly.
00:53:14
Speaker
And if you find that it's like, okay, this is a less than kind thing I'm about to say.
00:53:19
Speaker
Workshop it, bring it back in and work it out again, because everything that we say, there's it's it's easy to be to be all three things.
00:53:29
Speaker
The truth is easy to remember.
00:53:30
Speaker
Kindness flows naturally from from most of us, frankly, and it's easy to get bogged down with unnecessary talk and dialogue.
00:53:38
Speaker
But
00:53:40
Speaker
examine it real quick.
00:53:41
Speaker
Is this, is this a necessary aspect of this conversation that we need to be discussing?
00:53:45
Speaker
And if so, then as long as it, what I, when I, when I remember this, if what I'm about to say pass through all three brigades, everything goes so smoothly goes.
00:53:56
Speaker
So, so it's so easy.
00:53:58
Speaker
People are able to receive kindness.
00:54:00
Speaker
No matter what you say, as long as it's the kindness, um,
00:54:04
Speaker
That has been the main thing for me to make sure my conflicts with all my friends, my loved ones, relationships goes, you know, has a positive outcome.
00:54:15
Speaker
So that's just one.
00:54:16
Speaker
I just wanted to throw that out there.
00:54:17
Speaker
Love that beautiful closing spark, Janice.
00:54:20
Speaker
Thank you.
00:54:20
Speaker
And thank you, brothers, for having this conversation.
00:54:23
Speaker
I think it just always feels really good to keep coming back to these reminders and these practices.
00:54:28
Speaker
And thank you all for listening out there.
00:54:31
Speaker
Always love to hear any thoughts or sparks of your own.
00:54:35
Speaker
You guys can comment on our Instagram channel.
00:54:39
Speaker
You can always send us a message and always available to connect with you guys.
00:54:44
Speaker
We have three different opportunities for each of us to connect on a deeper level.
00:54:48
Speaker
So Halcyon, would you like to share with our listeners how they can find you and harvest more sparks of your magic and inspiration?
00:54:58
Speaker
Yes, you can find me driving around on the freeways in my new car.
00:55:02
Speaker
You can also find me online at the life student dot com and sign up for my newsletter and get a T-shirt and find me every day online for a love morning broadcast at nine or a gratitude circle at noon.
00:55:18
Speaker
I would love to be connected.
00:55:20
Speaker
Amazing.
00:55:21
Speaker
Beautiful.
00:55:22
Speaker
How about you, Yanis?
00:55:26
Speaker
You can find me.
00:55:26
Speaker
I have a nutritional supplement company called New World Nutritionals spelled New World Nutritionals.
00:55:32
Speaker
And we have nutritional supplements designed to improve and elevate your state of mind.
00:55:37
Speaker
They are mushroom based products geared for improving memory retention, improves your mood, focus, can help alleviate symptoms of anxiety, depression, anxiety,
00:55:46
Speaker
ADHD, all things good for the brain.
00:55:49
Speaker
So check us out at newworldnutritionals.com.
00:55:52
Speaker
You can use the code SPARKED for 10% off of all of our products.
00:55:57
Speaker
Amazing.
00:55:59
Speaker
And if you haven't already found me on poweraffirmation.com, I'd love to welcome you to my site.
00:56:06
Speaker
I have some really awesome things on there.
00:56:09
Speaker
I have a journal that helps with reprogramming mindset belief systems.
00:56:13
Speaker
I have some audio affirmations on there and I have a variety of in-person offerings as well doing somatic body work, aerial assist, gravity assisted body work and energy work.
00:56:25
Speaker
And so, yep, you can check me out there.
00:56:27
Speaker
And we also have a bunch of free audio affirmations on Insight Timer and even a free download for you in the show notes.
00:56:36
Speaker
So check that out.
00:56:38
Speaker
I love getting to share these kind of conversations as well.
00:56:42
Speaker
So let's spark it up next time you see me, like ask me, let's continue the conversation.
00:56:48
Speaker
Before we do an affirmation, I also just want to point out that Betsy and myself both do one-on-one work.
00:56:59
Speaker
So if you would like help with communication and you would like some deep work in practicing, we are both available.
00:57:09
Speaker
So reach out to us on our sites.
00:57:11
Speaker
Absolutely.
00:57:12
Speaker
I love I love doing one on one work and talking about these kinds of things and really unpacking places where we can learn and grow.
00:57:19
Speaker
Yep.
00:57:20
Speaker
Amazing.
00:57:21
Speaker
Well, on that note, love to close it up with some affirmations.
00:57:25
Speaker
Affirmations are such a powerful way to focus our minds and to help to cultivate a deeper inner state of joy and balance inside.
00:57:37
Speaker
So if you like, you can place your hand on your heart.
00:57:39
Speaker
Maybe take a deep breath, feeling ourselves settle into a state of balance and harmony within
00:57:49
Speaker
I am balanced and harmonious.
00:57:52
Speaker
I am balanced and harmonious.
00:57:55
Speaker
I am balanced and harmonious.
00:57:57
Speaker
And my relationships reflect the balance and harmony within.
00:58:03
Speaker
My relationships reflect the inner balance and harmony within.
00:58:10
Speaker
I am balanced.
00:58:11
Speaker
I am harmonious.
00:58:13
Speaker
I am balanced and harmonious.
00:58:15
Speaker
I am balanced and harmonious.
00:58:18
Speaker
And as we connect to these affirmations, it's always a good reminder to check in.
00:58:22
Speaker
If there is something that's off, you're not feeling balanced, and you're saying this affirmation, go to just keep going deeper inside yourself and see where you can find greater balance and harmony.
00:58:34
Speaker
So thank you so much for listening.
00:58:36
Speaker
So grateful to be on this journey with you guys.
00:58:38
Speaker
Thank you for popping on.
00:58:40
Speaker
If you've made it thus far, give us a five-star review on Apple Podcasts.
00:58:43
Speaker
Your reviews help us spread these sparks.
00:58:46
Speaker
So thank you so much.
00:58:48
Speaker
And we will look forward to hearing from you soon.
00:58:52
Speaker
Stay sparked, people.
00:58:57
Speaker
Find us on Instagram at stay sparked and leave us a five-star review on Apple Podcasts.
00:59:02
Speaker
Thanks so much for helping us spread these sparks.