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281 — 1st Degree Hunger
95 Plays1 year ago
Ty & Eric investigate a Subway sandwich crime scene and discuss getting your footlong laced, the masculine urge to drive an automobile, what really goes on in the back of a Subway, debunking the PB&J footlong, the millennial branding of Ozempic, the mysterious ingredients in the meatball, whether you should eat Subway or just start fasting, and how the NBA is setting a new body standard for men.
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Transcript
Recording from Cars: Alpha Males on the Road
00:00:02
Speaker
And hello, breadheads. We are live. Honk, honk. Tiny Eric coming to you live from the vehicle. You better buckle up, Eric, because this episode is going to be a bumpy ride.
00:00:16
Speaker
Oh, hell yeah, dude. I'm so stoked right now. Ty and I are both in the mobile booths, separate mobile booths. I'm calling in from the German whip. You're calling in from the Japanese, the JDM whip. And we are both, I don't know, we could be doing this from anywhere, but we're doing this probably in two different parking lots. We could have just driven to each other and recorded in person, but alas, we are recording in our own, it's because neither of us want to be in the passenger seat.
00:00:45
Speaker
How can two alpha male podcasters both occupy the driver's seat at the same time when we this it's literally impossible. This is the only way we have to record remotely both from the driver's seat and I'm okay with it. That's right.
00:01:01
Speaker
We're 50-50 podcasters. Okay, we're both in the driver's seat of our success. So the reality is we can't choose somebody to sit in the back unless we both sit in the back seat. That would be kind of romantic. Pretty funny. Damn. The back seat is where only nefarious things happen.
00:01:17
Speaker
That nothing good ever happens in the backseat. This is, and this is the biggest problem. I think the problem for the taxi industry is that there, the passengers in a taxi cab always end up in the backseat just by default.
Subway's Secrets: Behind the Scenes and Scandals
00:01:30
Speaker
So by default, you're already creating a nefarious situation as a cabbie, like in a perfect world, the cab driver sits in the backseat and all of the passengers sit in the front and that way nothing bad can happen.
00:01:45
Speaker
So the cab driver would sit in the back like he's controlling the kayak or something? Yeah, exactly. Or like, you know how like the person who like pilots the yacht is always like kind of up a little higher and near the back? He has oversight into kind of what's in front of them, but also who is in front of them. He's in the bridge.
00:02:07
Speaker
just like the person at the back of house at Subway controls the order, you know what I mean? You can only go so far as the customer, but it really is the back of house that dictates whether you're gonna enjoy your meal or not. Oh, dude, and don't even get me started on deep back. You're probably wondering, what do you mean by deep back, Ty? Well, this is like the deep house of Subway, and that's not the back of the sneeze guard, but the back of...
00:02:32
Speaker
the entire franchise where they're slicing the meats where they're refrigerating the vegetables and whoever is responsible for the the key to the deep freeze and the meat slicer eric they really hold all the cards dude and don't even get me started on back of the back of the back of the franchise because they're the ones who create the menu
00:02:56
Speaker
You know what I mean? Roll out the marketing materials. They're the ones who send you your franchise package in the mail. It includes things like floor stickers on where to stand during a pandemic, things like that. Damn, I even hate... Imagine being the graphic designer that had to make the subway pandemic floor stickers.
00:03:14
Speaker
And and dude the pandemic floor stickers now are like fossilized into the concrete wherever you go Like you can't remove them. So that stain is just there forever no matter where you go now Yeah, it's reminiscent of like a old cave painting the way that there's just like a little bit of it you can make out a few iconographic symbols and
00:03:36
Speaker
but i felt so bad for the graphic designer that had to make those eric because i'm sure their very first idea was everyone should stand six foot longs apart but that was never because that's the obvious like solution but no one ever made that that's not what the subway stickers say they just say like stay apart or something they avoided using their own system i'm sure it was brought up it was rejected by some upper higher up
00:04:04
Speaker
um another they decided to use metric they decided to use metric unfortunately um crooked subway you know they weren't able to introduce any kind of humor and i guess like in the context of 2020 march 2020 like humor wasn't really allowed like you weren't allowed to make light of any situation so
00:04:27
Speaker
That's kind of why we started the podcast how we had to we needed a release. We need to make light of something Toast the world 100% We needed a white bread. Yeah, totally. Well Unfortunately, the white bread isn't white anymore. Eric. It's a little darker. It's a little smeared I have some unfortunate news that I learned coming Out of a subway in Michigan. I'd like to share with you
00:04:53
Speaker
Okay, let's hear okay, so a patron at a subway in Michigan this week claims that her Subway sandwich was laced with poo Eric
00:05:10
Speaker
Laced with poo or simply contained poo because laced implies like some nefarious intent So i'm curious like did somebody plant the poo or did someone just take the poo, you know, it's Unconfirmed yet, but I thought the exact same thing when I read the headline lacing implies a motive I'm not sure what the motive would be either way Here's what here's what went down Let's we you and I can try to figure out right now on pod whether or not this was
00:05:40
Speaker
first-degree lacing or third-degree accidental smearing or whether it is even poo all together but the woman says she got her foot long from some way yeah
00:05:54
Speaker
So obviously Ty, we need to see what the footlong looks like. Uh, we need to turn this footlong into a crime scene because a crime has taken place and we need to determine based on the spreadage of the shit, whether that was intentional or it was simply fell on the sandwich. Maybe it wasn't even human. This is all of these are questions that still need to be resolved. Case is wide open right now, Eric. So I'm going to give you the facts. Okay.
00:06:25
Speaker
Michigan, woman leaves Subway with a foot long. As she's leaving, she acknowledges that there's a nasty smell in the air. She assumed it was the sewage in the area. As you know, Michigan isn't known for its water works, shout out to Flint.
00:06:45
Speaker
Heads home, unwraps her sandwich. There's a very nasty brown smear on the inside of the sandwich all over the wrapper and it reeks. She immediately assumes it's poo. Could be human, could be dog, could be a third unknown party.
00:07:03
Speaker
She disposes of the sandwich, she phones the news, probably calls the DOJ to do an inquiry on that location. She does actually call the authorities and they write it off as a chocolate smear. They said, lady, you are quite literally out to lunch and this is just a smear of chocolate chip.
00:07:27
Speaker
But surely she would know that. Where did the aroma come from? Subway bread will blitz any other smell, so it must have been strong. I don't think she could make that up. And that's all the facts we have so far, Eric. What do we do? Where do we go from here?
00:07:46
Speaker
Ty, unfortunately this Subway sandwich will need to be turned into forensic evidence. I don't think two podcasters are able to determine where and how the shit made it to the sandwich. I think obviously the sandwich artist is our prime suspect here. However, I won't be surprised if this franchise and probably all of the other ones have a rat infestation.
00:08:13
Speaker
Um, where small little gloss sets of shit will end up in the sandwiches themselves. Maybe it was already in the bin and you know, the, the customer said, let me get some of that. That looks good. The black olives. I am actually, my takeaway from this is that the sole reason somebody has black holes on the menu is to hide any unidentifiable flying objects entering the sandwich.
00:08:43
Speaker
Yeah. Well... Unidentifiable footlong objects, I should have said. That is a good point. We need to protect what goes into the footlong tie. I don't know what we can do further, you know what I mean, to help this poor lady out of Michigan. Obviously they have enough problems as is. The water's brown, the footlong's brown.
00:09:07
Speaker
We can't do anything about that, Ty. We're just two podcasters. Eric, you need to understand that it is the only job of a podcaster is to solve crimes over the internet. That's why podcasters exist. This is our calling. That's right. Serial podcasts pave the way for all of us. You know what I mean? Definitely the first podcast I listened to, I don't know about you. Facts.
00:09:33
Speaker
Dude, cereal? Because of cereal, we need to figure out if there's truly poo in the footlong.
Diet Trends: Fasting vs. Ozempic
00:09:40
Speaker
Do you think this could be a cereal poo-er? Like, do you think somebody is planting poo in multiple footlongs, and then this lady's the first one to notice? Here's what I think happened, Eric. An artist? You would think that a sandwich artist, during their own lunch break, gets to eat a footlong, right? That would seem fair to get 12 inches on the house.
00:10:02
Speaker
So, bare minimum. A sandwich artist, been there a few years, bit tenured, ready to try something new, gets a little bit too spicy in the sauces, has a panicked moment, tries to use the bathroom. There is, it's locked, it's taken, customers in there shooting, doing meth or something. So they head to the back of back, back of house.
00:10:23
Speaker
They go in one of the buckets, they dump all the cucumbers out, they use the bucket, but they need to wipe. And what is the best way to wipe at Subway? It's to use the paper wrappers, uses a bunch, tries to throw them out, one accidentally ends up back in the pile, and then on the footlong stand. That is, I think, this narrative that makes the most sense.
00:10:49
Speaker
Oh, gosh. You might be right, Ty. The first thought that came to mind was, let me use the gloves I have on already because I had to rush to the bathroom. I'm wearing gloves. I'm just going to use my bare hand, which is protected by the plastic glove, to do what I have to do to clean myself off. And then as soon as I leave the bathroom, oh, God, there's a customer there waiting for me. They look angry. I better make their sandwich right away. And I leave the gloves on.
00:11:20
Speaker
Oh, nasty. That could be it. I knew those gloves were more of a liability than anything. Ty, I really want to talk about other invasive species that might have entered a foot long in recent times. If you found the poop story, you probably found this other story. Somebody was investigating the chemical makeup of the meatballs.
00:11:46
Speaker
Now, this is shocking to me because we all thought the meatballs were the only safe meat to get to be at Subway. Like, out of all the meats at Subway, meatballs, you know, we thought they were on the white list, you know what I mean? It's actually kind of funny that... I don't know how to talk about the white bread list. It's funny that we would think that they were the good guys because, really, they're unspecified meatballs. All the other meat at least claims to come from an animal.
00:12:13
Speaker
with the exception of this the sphere the las vegas meat sphere um you're right and maybe that's me just being naive and trusting the tradition of italian american culture you know what i mean of bringing meatballs into a sandwich form um so it could just be me but i i assumed good intentions you know what i mean
00:12:39
Speaker
but I did find a video online that somebody had looked into the Ingredients of the meatball and it seems like something that all of us could have done but nobody did know whatever reason ingredients But let me just read to you some of the things that were seen in this ingredient. I'm really scared I don't know if I need to I don't know if I want to know I
00:13:01
Speaker
You don't need to, Tai. You don't need to know, but you also don't need to eat it. You probably won't eat it anyway. Here's the thing. There's a few normal things, okay? There's breadcrumbs. There's an unspecified meat type. There's some spices, dried garlic, onion, things like that.
00:13:21
Speaker
But Ty, there's almost 40 other ingredients. Wow. What a list. So is this grocery list words we can pronounce? Are they words we've heard of?
00:13:35
Speaker
I don't think so. I haven't heard of them. Um, but some of them are textured soy protein. Nice. What is, what is that? Can you just describe what that is as the resident vegetarian, what is textured soy protein? Well, Eric, I can't give you a definitive answer because I've never heard those words strung together like that either. But I know that the most textured soy protein that I eat is called tempeh. So perhaps they're referring to tempeh.
00:14:04
Speaker
Oh, interesting. That would be an interesting binding agent for the meatball. Perhaps it is, yeah.
00:14:12
Speaker
The other things includes various seed oils, which obviously are not good based on the propaganda that I've been fed at least. Whole foods, big whole foods will lead you to believe that seed oils are not good. It's for sure. Your oil should come from olives or coconuts and they need to be cold pressed maybe twice. And your olive, if your oil has lost its virginity, it's a sinner, you do not want it.
00:14:40
Speaker
I 100% agree. Extra virgin only for me. Thai, these seed oils, all these things make me realize the only way to truly lose weight is to just not eat. You can't trust anyone these days, even quote unquote healthy fast food.
00:15:00
Speaker
You can't do it. There's no such thing. Healthy and fast, we don't go together. If you need to lose 20 fast, like I suggest you to just drop and do 20 and skip lunch. You know what I mean? That's the only way to truly lose weight these days because all food that we eat is just out to get us. For sure. I'm surprised it's not laced with fentanyl. The lettuce might be at this point.
00:15:25
Speaker
So it's called fast food. And the only thing healthy about that term, Eric, is fasting, which is the root. So I think you're right that like recommended order as well. Yeah. If you really want to eat nothing for lunch, though, all you need to do is go to Subway and just ask for a bowl of lettuce and then consume that. It tastes like nothing. It has no nutritional value, but it also is not taxing whatsoever in your system because it will turn to dust immediately after it touches your mouth.
00:15:55
Speaker
So there's a meal for the diet heads out there. I agree with you. I'll do you one better, Ty. I think just skip it all together. You know what I mean? There's nothing in the lettuce that will satisfy you like the intermittent fasting high that you will get. So are we fasting pilled now or are we doing this?
00:16:19
Speaker
Oh dude, I've been anti-breakfast, sometimes anti-lunch for a long time. So you're just like one... Real heads in the middle, no. One meal a day, it's dinner, you drop a nuke ton of steak and mashed potatoes in your stomach, hits you like a 18-wheeler, and then it puts you to sleep.
00:16:42
Speaker
That's right, Ty. And then on the weekends, I have two meals, Hiroshima and Nagasaki. Damn. My man likes sushi. Sushi Hiroshima would be a crazy sushi name, sushi place name. It would be. But yeah, dude, I think skipping a meal is honestly the best way to do it. That way you can eat guilt free for your one meal. And if you can go the extra mile and make that meal actually healthy, you're just winning in life. You'll feel better.
00:17:12
Speaker
You'll get used to being hungry. You won't even feel hungry anymore. It's the original. It was epic. Mm-hmm Here's the challenge Eric is that fasting doesn't propagate consumerism. It's actually kind of anti consumerism so if you and I can figure out how to turn fasting into a business then I think The the powers that be in this world will let us find success. But the reason it's I think
00:17:39
Speaker
like passed off or swept under the rug as a hippy-dippy kind of dietary idea is because no one can benefit from it financially.
Body Image and Marketing: Skims and Subway's Oddities
00:17:51
Speaker
You're absolutely right, Ty. Haters will call me a commie bastard because I'm advocating for fasting, but I think we've already beaten to the punch because that's what Ozepic does. It just makes you not hungry. So you skip meals just because you don't want to eat. And all you do is take a shot to the ass. It seems like a small price to pay, you know? If you can fast, be faster than an F1 driver if you're taking that.
00:18:20
Speaker
That's right. I actually saw Ozempic in real life, Ty, recently. And I gotta say, it's not as scary as it sounds. Hm. Yeah, I mean, taking it, injecting something is, it crosses the line for most people, especially drug users.
00:18:37
Speaker
It's like cute little packaging. Almost made me want to inject it for dessert, you know? Oh, nice. They got that millennial pink in the packaging. Or how are they? Do they have a nice rounded typeface? The typeface is approachable. The outer plastic is kind of like a cross between lavender and like a pastel blue. So it's like, you know, I'm sure they come in like multiple colors. You can just choose one that suits you.
00:19:05
Speaker
But yeah, dude, I think that one would be, that would be the best way to get people to use it. You know what I mean? Just make it look cute. Millennial Gen Z branding goes a long way, in my opinion. Dude, yeah, I give us six months till Urban Outfitters is carrying them on one of their shelves. Like, honestly, the chokehold it has on North America right now is crazy. I was watching an NBA game last night and there was its logo on the court.
00:19:31
Speaker
Obviously being projected, but like they're advertising at the NBA games now, dude They're sponsoring my nephew's high school lunch That's From a personal lens or like a societal lens that's insane and gnarly but from business lens the NBA party partnering with both Ozimpic and skims is like a match made in heaven it's like you get to skip lunch and have like the
00:20:00
Speaker
you know the contouring like ass shaping underwear it's ideal holy shit the NBA is accidentally creating a new type of pressure for the male figure you know they're gonna do to men what we've been doing to women for decades is perpetuate unrealistic body standards whoa true I have yet to order any skims underwear tie but when I do I'll let you know if the
00:20:29
Speaker
If it gives me some good curves, you know, in all the right places. I know what you mean. Little, just like the little. I'll have to give you that review. Dude, if it can hug something as small as a nipple, I think it'll take care of you just fine.
00:20:43
Speaker
You know, they have that new nipple bra. Have you seen that? That's what I'm referencing. The 3D printed nipple bra. Where's the men's, like, eggplant underwear? You know what I mean? Yeah, dude. I just want something that looks like the shape of a banana down there, you know? Perfectly sculpted. I feel like I'm putting a gun in a holster.
00:21:05
Speaker
100%. Imagine you just like pull down your pants and you have like a whole like padded hog just in the Skims underwear. That's kind of crazy. That'd be pretty cool though if society treated the foot long bulge the same way that we treat the nipple bulge on the plain white t-shirt. I think there's an opportunity for men to start showing their bulge a little bit and some men need some help. So this is where Skims comes in.
00:21:36
Speaker
Absolutely, Ty. And when you say bulge and foot-long bulge, what are you exactly referring to? Because I sometimes would call it the foot-long gut. Well, I think you can figure it out, Eric.
00:21:50
Speaker
It could be, it could be below the waist or it could be directly above the waist as well. You know what I mean? That bulge is much larger in size and probably easier to attain for most subway patrons. Yeah, that's a good point actually. Gotta show off that gut. Exactly, dude. The full-on gut. Damn. Full-on gut is rectilinear. It's not round. Beer guts are round. Full-on guts are square.
00:22:15
Speaker
Yeah, dude, it's like a six-pack, but just like go a single one. It really would be the same shape as a one-pack. That's really funny. Exactly. Man, shout out to Kim. Shout out to Skims. What else we got, Ty? I saw this really disturbing image of breakfast. I'm obviously a breakfast hater, but I saw an image of a foot-long PB&J.
00:22:43
Speaker
What do we think about that dude? PB&J the long way, you know, I love that I love PB&J. My biggest problem with it is that it's always too small especially if you cut the crust off so Tell me more about this and where can I buy it?
00:23:01
Speaker
I don't know where you can buy it. I wonder if Subway will do it for you. But the image I saw was somebody eating this footlong PB&J. It was clearly a footlong from Subway in the Subway paper and they had a Subway drink as well. They were eating it in their car and they had it like split open. Just peanut butter on one side, jelly on the other. Unclear if they had ordered just the bread and provided their own PB&J or they had the artist
00:23:30
Speaker
pull it from the secret menu or something. I'm really unclear on how that happened, but that is what I saw. I would like to debunk the myth that this is a subway orator, Eric. I think we have found an online troll here that's trying to set up a false orator for everybody. They're pulling our leg here, and I'll tell you why in a minute.
00:23:50
Speaker
They obviously want you to believe this is a real footlong, a PB&J footlong, because they got the bread, they got the wrapper, they got the cup. It's got that body cam POV of them about to dive into that footlong. And you can see clear as day, the jam and the peanut butter on the footlong. But
00:24:09
Speaker
Here's how I debunked it, Eric. Both sides are perfectly clear of the other ingredient. Your peanut butter down all the way one side, jammed down all the way to the other side. If a sandwich artist actually made that foot long, they would have smacked those two together like the cheeks of a stripper, and then they would have sliced that thing in half. And if you reopened it,
00:24:31
Speaker
you would have some cross pollination of the two ingredients and there was none of that. So that means that person's either requested it be served open faced, which I highly doubt, or they did it themselves and trolled everybody.
00:24:46
Speaker
That is a surprisingly valid forensic analysis that you just did. We're going to need to do that same thing for the inevitable poop photo that will come out in the next week or so. But good job, Ty. That is exactly right. Clearly they had some PB&J sitting in the car waiting for them.
00:25:05
Speaker
Which is even more crazy like just get the egg like we already tried it. It's good. Mm-hmm I mean the egg is a good breakfast order if you are sick enough to go to Subway before noon Mm-hmm, dude, if you're trying to eat 12 inches of sandwich before noon, that's like a 180 from fasting like now I want to be hella full
00:25:27
Speaker
Yeah, dude, I want to be in a caloric surplus before lunchtime. Like, that's truly demented.
Wrapping Up: Future Episodes and Sign-Off
00:25:33
Speaker
Yeah, unless you're a night shift worker, that ain't for me.
00:25:38
Speaker
Hell no. Wow. So, uh, speaking of night shift, Ty. Okay, hit me. We're on the night shift right now, bro. I was going to... Exactly. We're on the night shift right now. I was going to close that out, but if you have anything else you want to add, please, now is the time. No, let's do it. You're looking more and more like a character in the film, Drive, as the sun sets behind you and, uh, the city lights start reflecting in your rear view mirrors.
00:26:03
Speaker
That's right, that's right. I'm gonna turn left and drive down the LA River right after this and hopefully find a lonesome woman to accompany me and I can maybe be the stepdad in that relationship. But Ty, it's been great chatting with you. Thanks for tuning in, Breadheads. More car pods to come, maybe?
00:26:27
Speaker
We'll see how this goes. We'll see how the audio of this sounds. Thanks for sticking with us. Anything else, Ty? That's everything on my end. Think fresh, everybody. Have a good night. Ciao. Ciao.