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94. Lessons Learned In An Elevator
2 Plays3 seconds ago
The Universe is prying our fingers loose from the things we’re not meant to control. Let’s talk about it.
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Hosts: Christina Bell & Molly Wilde
Music: The Confrontation, by Jonathan Boyle, licensed from Premium Beats by Shutterstock
Editing: Molly Wilde
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Transcript
Introductions and Daily Reflections
00:00:21
Speaker
Hello Molly. Hello, hello. What up? Not much. You having a good day? who It's been all right. I can't complain. Good.
00:00:32
Speaker
Good.
Caramel Conversations and Childhood Memories
00:00:34
Speaker
ah What were you just snacking on? Oh, little pieces of like soft caramels. Well, it's a big piece wrapped up, but I've been like taking little nibbles off of it.
00:00:47
Speaker
nice i love me a soft caramel caramel what have you it's like sea salt and well caramel hell yeah it's yummy that well i remember the first time i had salted chocolate caramel like a well chocolate covered caramel it was i think it was a trader joe's treat on the holiday like yeah i've had those yeah those little boxes yeah yeah it was like the dark chocolate caramel with sea salt and it was i was 15 years old
00:01:23
Speaker
What? I was 15 years old the first time I tried that. Oh, you were 15. Okay. I thought you said it was 15 years old. I was like, ew! That could have been very good. I would have had a very negative impression if it had been 15 years old when I tried it.
00:01:39
Speaker
Oh my god, no. I was 15 years old. And if I remember correctly, I was sitting in my seminary classroom and somebody had, oh, somebody had given, i think it was like a gift exchange. in our little class and yeah that's what it was and uh my classmate of seminary class john he gave me that and i think probably something else but it was it was good so yay yeah good times oh yeah so tomorrow is the last day of the fall session for me
00:02:24
Speaker
the The what?
School Year Terminology Explained
00:02:26
Speaker
The fall session of school. Fall session? Yeah, a school year is called the fall session because it's not the summer session yet.
00:02:36
Speaker
The most confusing thing in the world. Well, I'm explaining it. Like, I mean. we call it the fall session because it starts in the fall of the entire year.
00:02:48
Speaker
Why not just call it the school year? Which is what it is. I don't know. My brain didn't work that way. I'm sorry. no, no, there't no. I'm saying like, it can be referred to as either, but I'm used to either. So I just said the one that came to my mind. I mean, like, that's the thing is that like, I'm like, it's odd to me that it's typical amongst your colleagues to also call it the fall session.
00:03:15
Speaker
when it is now summertime i understand but it makes sense like what i mean yeah we bid on these routes in the fall for the fall right and then it lasts for the whole school year so it it's like and then we did again for the summer session at the beginning of summer right summer routes i mean and like Yeah. So it's fall, so fall session or summer session, whatever. Yeah.
00:03:45
Speaker
Tomorrow's the last day. That's good. And then I'm off for two weeks.
Planning a Break and Unexpected Adventures
00:03:51
Speaker
we So exciting. You got any plans for your days off?
00:03:58
Speaker
um only two dentist appointments and one training. I have to go back to work, uh, The last day of the break, which is Friday the 10th, I have to go for training from 12 to 4 p.m.
00:04:16
Speaker
That's it. But nothing nothing fun planned? No, but I probably will figure something out to do so I can just be out of the house. Yeah. Well, that's good. Always a good thing to have in your back pocket, in my opinion. somebody Should the need arise. Yeah.
00:04:33
Speaker
Yeah, I feel you. But yeah, um good. Hooray. How was your day? The fall session for
Elevator Incident and Personal Introspection
00:04:42
Speaker
you. which you. did my day tell. Okay.
00:04:49
Speaker
has been ok on on average on balance okay ah i have a story to tell okay and it's some it's It's a story that, like, it's something that happened that got me really seriously thinking. And not in a, like, big, dramatic, like, change my whole life kind of way, but in just like a, okay, kind of way.
00:05:20
Speaker
All right. um It's, I i had... Something happened to me today that felt very much like the cosmic equivalent of when a dog pees on the carpet and then you push its nose into the pee. ah Like very much felt like the universe was pushing my nose into my own like yeah karma. Not really not karma, but pushing my ah my nose into my own issues. Okay. Okay.
00:05:54
Speaker
Just being like, stop it. You know? All right. um And I understood it for what it was. And that's why I've been thinking about it. um Today,
00:06:11
Speaker
i got stuck in an elevator. Ew! That's a little scary. Obviously, I'm fine. Yeah, but where, like, what happened? Tell me.
00:06:22
Speaker
It was ah after my food and body therapy session. Okay. So it's an elevator I've been in couple hundred times. Oh my god. You know, I've been seeing her since the end of 2022. So I've been going to this building since then every, almost every week.
00:06:43
Speaker
Like with a few rare skipped weeks. Okay. And I always take the elevator. So I've never had a problem with it. Yeah. And so I was leaving and there's a couple of like chairs so like set out across from the elevator, like two armchairs with a little table in between. And on the third floor, which is where the ah ah where the office is.
00:07:12
Speaker
And so I left this my appointment, walked down the hall, sat down in one of the chairs for just like a couple minutes. And the thought wasn't on the forefront of my mind, but like it, like the thought just sort of occurred to me. It was like, h what if I get stuck?
00:07:33
Speaker
Oh my God. And ah had a psyche moment here's the thing. Well, here's the thing is that's's that's not the first time that I've had that kind of thought. yeah. You know, I'm just because I'm a Virgo, I'm always like thinking of potential problems and how to get ahead of them.
00:07:53
Speaker
and so And so like the, you know, the thought has occurred to me in the past, not just with this elevator, but elevators in general of like, what do you do? Okay, I know to call the fire department.
00:08:08
Speaker
you know there's an emergency button in the yeah who's to say if that's gonna work if the buttons that i'm pressing are not working okay so anyway point is i had that thought and then i got up called the elevator to the third floor got into the elevator door closed i pressed for the first floor and it did not move and like sometimes, you know, you can't always tell when it's actually moving, but just based on like the feeling of the elevator. So I was looking at the numbers that were lit up and it was still lit up on number three.
00:08:49
Speaker
And it just did not move. It did not move. And i pushed the button for the first floor a couple more times. Nothing happened. i pushed i pushed the button for opening the doors and nothing happened.
00:09:03
Speaker
And so it was a couple minutes. And then I was like, you know what? Fuck it. I'm not waiting. I'm calling the fire department. So I looked up the number for the fire department in the town where this office is.
00:09:14
Speaker
And i called. And was just very polite, very not trying to let alarm, you know, make itself known in my voice. just wanted to be like chill. Yeah.
00:09:25
Speaker
Just being like, it's only been a couple minutes, but I don't think it's moving.
Managing Anxiety and Finding Calm
00:09:30
Speaker
And it's not responding to any of the button presses. So, ah yeah. And they were like, we' we'll send someone right away, blah, blah, blah. Like they got all the necessary information.
00:09:41
Speaker
And... within a minute after I hung up the door opened oh and I was still on the third floor, but I just stepped out calmly and turned, went around the corner, went down the stairs. And then I sat in the like ground floor lobby to wait for them. Cause they were already on their way. So I was just like, I'll wait, you know, and let them know what happened. Um, and i did also note though, that like,
00:10:12
Speaker
the inspection certification was like almost a year out of date. oh And so I pointed that out to them when they got there. i was like, yeah, I mean, the door opened like almost immediately after I hung up, but like, you know, it is, it needs to be inspected. So probably you should like get somebody to do that. And so, and like, they, you know, tested it. Like one guy wrote it all the way up and then all the way back down and, He said there were no issues, but it was a bit of a rough ride, which i was like, yeah, it's not ever been a particularly smooth ride, which is how I knew for sure. I was like, I know when it's, I do know when it's moving. Hmm.
00:10:54
Speaker
But it was just a moment for me where I was like, okay. Because i i didn't, I don't remember, i don't think I really talked about it last, in our last episode. But like, the last couple weeks for me, I've been like crazy anxious.
00:11:13
Speaker
And it's been like ramping up and ramping up in the last few days in particular. My anxiety has been like so bad that it's been like physically painful in my nervous system. like, i don't know if you've ever felt that, but like, when like, you're so stressed, you're so anxious that it's like, it feels sharp. It feels your nervous system is literally sending pain signals to your brain for nothing. think I've been there.
00:11:40
Speaker
It's the worst. It sucks so much. And, uh, yeah. So like, I like that's, it's just been that bad. And like for, For really no reason. It's just, it's a chronic condition with me, you know? And it's, you know, it's gotten worse over the course of this year, which is part of the reason that I realized that it was time to make a serious change. And I applied for leave so that I could like get my shit back in order.
00:12:09
Speaker
And now I'm on leave. And i guess a lot of things just sort of feel like they're rising to the surface because I just sort of had to compartmentalize almost all of the rest of my life while I was working. um And now that I'm not working, there is suddenly a ton of like room in my brain and in my like bandwidth to have to feel things that I have not been feeling. Yeah. um I that's that's what I assume is what's going on.
00:12:43
Speaker
ah sure You don't have any distractions anymore. Right. And like, admittedly, work was a very bad distraction to have because it was just more stress. But um point sort of being, it's just, you know, the the anxiety was spiraling out of control.
00:13:03
Speaker
And um I just like, you know, I felt a little better this morning. And like, I had a good talk with Jim last night also that like sort of helped me like process verbally process through some stuff.
00:13:22
Speaker
um And like, you know, that like alleviated some of it, but like, you know This morning I woke up and I felt a little better and then I felt a little better after like talking through. you know it's It's not always always but you know food and body related when I talk to my food and body therapist.
00:13:42
Speaker
ah But like you know it everything is connected. I mean, I guess anxiety is in the body, so whatever. um But talked through some of it with her in addition to like the relevant subject matter. And was feeling, i don't know, like a little, don't know, just less on fire physically. And then that happened.
00:14:09
Speaker
And it was, you know, i was making myself not panic because I was like, listen, I've been thinking about, like, I've thought about this and I know that I know what I need to do.
Life Lessons on Control and Anxiety
00:14:19
Speaker
And I just the fire department. Like I knew that I could.
00:14:22
Speaker
I knew it was an option. But it was also a moment where I was very much just like, okay, there is literally nothing else I can do. Yeah. Like, the only thing I can do, you know, if the door had not immediately opened after getting off the phone, the only thing I could have done was sit down on the floor and wait.
00:14:47
Speaker
And this is a problem with me. The inability to let go of control. Mm-hmm. And the anxiety is absolutely like a symptom of whatever it is in my psyche that makes it i feel so goddamn hard to let go of control.
00:15:16
Speaker
Yeah. um and that is why i feel so confident when I say like this was the universe pushing my nose into the piss of my own like hubris you know interesting the universe being like fucking stop yeah um i even you know yesterday when i was kind of in the height of my like panic uh it's inadvisable to do this but i did it anyway and i'm glad i did honestly i pulled uh tarot spread
00:15:56
Speaker
When did you do that? Yesterday. Okay. When I was at the height of my name. I got you. um And they say not to do that, not to pull a spread when you're like in the height of your emotions.
00:16:12
Speaker
But I also sort of rationalized to myself, like um I'm like never not anxious lately. So, you know, i might as well do this and see if I can get any sort of like message out of it.
00:16:26
Speaker
Um, And the overall message, I'm not going to get into like the details of it because it didn't even it wasn't even like details about any specific situation that I've been grappling with. It was just very much like, a here's an overall message and it applies to everything in your life. And the message was, let's fucking go.
00:16:49
Speaker
but And it you know it it gave me, out of a five card spread, it gave me four major arcana cards to tell me that message. Wow. Yeah. Wow. It's just like the universe, you know, through a tool that I actively used being like, please help me get clarity. Please help me feel better.
00:17:08
Speaker
Or like at least understand what's going on and why am I like freaking out for seemingly no reason. And then it happened in like a practical sense today.
00:17:22
Speaker
where The universe was like, fucking stop. Wow. Get a grip. um Crazy dude. Crazy, crazy. Yeah. And it was it was quite insane. After like, you know, the initial like, after you know, once the elevator let me out and i like sat down and, you you know, I left before the fire department had left. Like they were still sort of looking around at things and deciding what to do about the elevator hu when they told me I was okay to just go ahead and leave.
00:17:54
Speaker
Once I got through that, on my drive home, I had this unnerving sense of calm. Settle over me. And that's where I just sort of decided. I was like, all right, I see you universe. I know what you're doing.
00:18:10
Speaker
I get it. And message received. Wow. That's just crazy. i love it. I mean, i don't love it for you for, you know, what you had to go through, but you know what I mean?
00:18:22
Speaker
I mean, ultimately it wasn't that bad because it ended faster than, you know, I would have expected. um But like, even if I had had to wait until the fire department got there to be able to be let out, like, I, don't know, I wasn't, I felt like I was gonna be okay anyway.
00:18:52
Speaker
You know, because I, in that moment, as I was like, realizing that the only thing I can do is call them after that, like I have to just let it be. it it had clicked in that moment. Like I, I have no control.
00:19:07
Speaker
huh So it just is what it is. And so like, I feel like, yeah, if I had had to wait for them, I would have simply sat down on the floor and just sort of been like,
00:19:23
Speaker
right, is what it is. You know? Yeah. Then you probably would have heard from me while I was in the elevator. But instead... And then I would have been freaking out like, oh my god! Oh no!
00:19:39
Speaker
Oh my god. but I, yeah. It was just like, it was just a moment, man. It was a moment where I was just like, okay. Okay.
00:19:51
Speaker
i I actually, it honestly, it really did just sort of like, it felt a little bit like a reset button. Yeah. You know, because I can totally see that. Yeah. And like, especially the last few days, like, I feel like I'm not being able to focus on fucking anything.
00:20:07
Speaker
Like, you know, I've been writing a whole lot lately. And like, I felt like I've couldn't even like sit down and try to focus on writing. Like, it's easy for me to like lose myself in writing. Like, it's ah almost a little bit of an escape.
00:20:19
Speaker
And I wasn't able to even use it as an escape because I was just so anxious and so stressed that I couldn't focus on it. And so, like, I felt like this experience just sort of, like, reset that and, like, helped me. Because I came home, I didn't, like, I i absolutely fucking just chilled for the afternoon. I really didn't, like, make myself do anything. Not because I was, like, so anxious because of the...
00:20:47
Speaker
you know, experience, but because I was just like, you know what No, I'm just going to sort of let this percolate. Yeah. Um, but I felt like I could, i could have come home and sat down and worked more on my projects, you know, like, and that was a refreshing feeling to realize like, okay, good. This is, this is good. Um,
00:21:13
Speaker
But I will say, like this is by no means me thinking, like oh, this cured my anxiety. Because, like no. Not at all how it works.
00:21:25
Speaker
But it definitely um resonated. it like it It punched me in the nose. um It's like, equally equal parts like you know pushing a dog's nose into its own piss.
00:21:40
Speaker
And when they say to get an alligator to release its jaws, if you've been snatched by one, that you pound on the nose.
00:21:55
Speaker
um Or a shark. Or both. You punch it in the nose? Yeah, you pound it down on the nose. and like it's it's like It's something that like I think triggers like a muscular reflex that allows them to open their jaw.
Astrology and Emotional Insights
00:22:08
Speaker
Like when they're in hunting mode, they clamp and then it's like set yeah and it's not it's almost like involuntary on their part because like their goal then is kill the prey hu and then once the prey is dead they probably can release it but like it it felt a little bit like that just like my jaw was clenched and which is ah also major anxiety thing to do when you're not thinking about it clenching your jaw um but my jaw was clenched and the universe punched me on the nose just like fucking stop
00:22:49
Speaker
so that's it that's that's my story and it was like again it's not like a whole brand new novel con like i don't know it's I did we did an episode I can't remember exactly when it was but it was more than a year ago I think about surrendering yeah and I actually kind of fucking hated it because I had I felt like I had so much to say but I had no idea how to say any of it ah um that's like one of the few episodes I've never gone back and listened to because I just don't want to hear myself like
00:23:27
Speaker
talk in circles for 40 minutes. Oh my goodness. ah But like, that's one thing that like, it just has felt impossible for me, you know, because I've received the message a billion times in my life of let go, release control, like just, just fucking let go. And I have never understood how to do that.
00:23:52
Speaker
Never. I'm like, literally, I don't know how. It's like, Like, what do I do with my hands or my face or my legs? I don't know. What do I do? Literally, like somebody give me a step-by-step instruction because I don't know what to do.
00:24:10
Speaker
And like, that's that's actually probably part of the message, though, is you don't do anything. yeah Exactly. You have to stop thinking about whatever it is. Yeah.
00:24:22
Speaker
Yeah. And you have to stop letting your nervous system control your feelings and also your like physical pain, hu you know, like, so there are techniques to get around that, you know.
00:24:38
Speaker
um i was talking with our dear friend, Alyssa, who has been a guest on our show before ah yesterday. Also, like after I pulled that spread of tarot cards and the message being so strongly like,
00:24:52
Speaker
let go of control i reached out to her and i was like girl how do i do this because she has the same moon and rise or moon and uh sun signs as me um and leo moon as i have mentioned many times before and probably will mention again ah is like a lot of really intense emotions and when those emotions are things like anxiety like that's just like even that's like hell Yeah, I can imagine.
00:25:23
Speaker
Yeah. And so like having the ability to reach out to her and just be like, you know what it's like with a Leo moon. How do, how do we do this?
00:25:37
Speaker
What do we do Did she have some good advice? Well, she had a lot of good things to say. um One thing that I was like a very practical thing that I was just like, God, I don't know why.
00:25:49
Speaker
like it's I'm going to say i don't know why it's never occurred to me or never been suggested before and you're probably going to say I've suggested that but she said that sometimes she just simply has to keep like an ice pack on hand to be able to put on the back of her neck um to like literally calm her nervous system down huh I've not heard that I've heard of others techniques involving ice but well that's the thing is that like I have seen people do that before And like, I just sort of, I guess I didn't really connect it to like calming the nervous system so much as just sort of like cooling you down. Cause when you're like worked up or overwhelmed, you get like physically hot, oh you know? And so I just sort of thought like, oh, like that's for that. But like, no, like they say the cold shower resets your nervous system.
00:26:41
Speaker
yeah and the ice yeah but the ice in ah in a bowl big bowl of you know a big bowl of ice water and you stick your face down in that and like you hold it for so many seconds yeah yeah I've heard that too and the cold plunges I've definitely heard lots of good things but like the kind of thing where it's just like just when I just need something to like because it's you know not practical to try to do like a polar plunge every day unless you specifically get the equipment and and have the like room on your property to like set that kind of thing up um and it's like less impractical but still not very practical to like dunk your face in a bowl of ice water every day
00:27:33
Speaker
Well, you don't have to do it every day. I think it's only when it's like an extreme emergency situation, you know? it's Even still, like to do it, it's a lot of steps, you know? And, but like, you know, she mentioned having an ice pack on the back of the neck and I was like, for sure there's got to be like some sort of thing that's designed to be wrapped around the neck.
00:27:54
Speaker
That is like a gel thing that you just keep in your freezer or something, you know? Yeah. And so I found one on Amazon and I bought it. Okay, good. So it should be delivered tomorrow. um But it's the kind of thing where it's just like, I don't want to like have to just pause my entire day when I'm getting stressed or worked up of any kind, just to be able to like, dunk my face in water or whatever. Like,
00:28:20
Speaker
But it to have like something that's like, oh, this is already in the freezer, just grab it, wrap it her around my neck, and then go continue going about my life.
Techniques for Anxiety Management
00:28:28
Speaker
You know? Yeah. like I was just like, okay, that's that's one thing. That's one thing that might help. um Particularly because like it's it's not like there are problems to solve.
00:28:43
Speaker
in my life right now like yes there are some existential stuff things to like face down traumas to still totally work through and yeah yeah um but like nothing that requires the kind of like fucking insane hypervigilance right that my nervous system has been spiraling into um and so you know and i can't fucking think about or solve anything when i feel that bad way so the best thing i can do for myself is let go control and like force my nervous system to shut the fuck up
00:29:37
Speaker
Like, I'm not even going to be polite about it anymore. Just shut the fuck up. ah It's bullshit, you know? It's fucking bullshit. So... I know you've seen lots of TikToks about how to, like, interrupt the the nervous system freakouts. Like, there's plenty of TikToks.
00:29:58
Speaker
Yeah. it just like them when Go When you're in the moment... It's hard to like remember to do and how to do it. When you're not in the moment, you look them up and you start writing down the ideas and you have them in the at the ready. No, I know. Bitch, I know. Bitch, I know.
00:30:21
Speaker
But when I'm panicking, like everything goes out the brain window. Yeah. You know? So like at the very least, a thing that's in the freezer that like I've deliberately purchased and, you know, will hopefully remember is there is one thing that I can do.
00:30:43
Speaker
And then from there, I can calm down enough to try to figure out what else to do. And I also have an ice roller in the fridge. I think I've talked about that one before. seen you use it on your face or whatever. It feels wonderful. Yeah. It feels really good in the morning when your face is all puffy. Yeah.
00:31:02
Speaker
feels great but like because i already know that that's there like this will be just like another thing it's like oh yeah that thing too and this is one that i don't have to like physically hold on the back of my neck yeah like wrap it it has a little velcro thing on the front o and you just strap it in place cold on the back nice continue to exist that's a good thing yeah But yeah, so that that whole thing about like, yeah I mean, I'm not going to do this, but like I wish that I could just fucking delete that surrender episode because fuck off with that shit. Like what the fuck? What am I talking about? I haven't listened to it, so I can't remember much about it, but I think I'll have to go back and listen at this point. Oh, don't bother. Anyway, the point being like, you know, we have already stated
00:32:02
Speaker
To let go control means to not do anything. Like, what do I do? not Absolutely nothing. you try not to think about it and you try to find something else to think about and that's it.
00:32:13
Speaker
Yeah. You know, the very least, like, have some weed. But... Put on the ice pack. I will say... What? There is a definite state of being that occurs when you finally figure out exactly how to let something go. Yeah.
00:32:33
Speaker
And you probably have never experienced that yet, but I, I'm not sure. i'm not going to say no, because I do know like, you know, it can't be too dissimilar to like a flow state. And I absolutely know what a flow state feels like. Um,
00:32:50
Speaker
But the feeling of surrender where you finally just figure out, like, what that means and how it feels to just let it go and surrender, like, is... There's a definite thing. That's the thing, but, like, there have... I have had situations in my life where I came up against that, like, I literally can do nothing more, so have to surrender.
00:33:13
Speaker
But it was, like, ah for a specific thing. Yeah. And... it was probably not like a permanent, like, all right, I never worry about it ever again. you know, like, it's it's just the kind of thing where it's like, okay, I probably know what it feels like temporarily, but like permanently. Yeah. Like for it to be like a daily practice of like, no, don't forget, you're not supposed to do anything. You know, remember, to-do list, non-existent. Yeah.
00:33:47
Speaker
Yeah. there's There's a chart thing. and i I don't know if it has to do with like AA type stuff or whatever, but it's like a circle within a circle. And then there's the dot in the middle, that's you.
00:34:02
Speaker
and there's like in the inner circle, there's like the things you can control. and then the in the inside of the outer circle is the things that you cannot control. you have to like learn how to differentiate.
00:34:14
Speaker
The thing is, like, that's that's a very, like, logical way to approach it. And i have no problem with logic. No problem whatsoever. Knowing, I know I can't control this.
00:34:31
Speaker
The problem is the nervous system. The problem is the trauma being like, you have to control it, otherwise you're going to die. yeah So, like, it's... Like, I don't need to like, teach myself...
00:34:45
Speaker
what i can and can't control and i don't need to be like rationalized yeah don't laugh at me i don't need to rationalize my way through anything i need to get my nervous system to stop being a little bitch okay so you know the meme of the of the asian dude who who says but did you die yes so like think of that every time yeah yeah And like that might help your nervous system like take a breath.
00:35:18
Speaker
Take a deep breath. But did you die? Maybe yeah maybe you should print out a picture of that dude and just stick it all over the place. I should. Stick it everywhere in your fucking house, man. Oh my god. I don't have access to a free printer right now. So I'll do it. I'll do it.
00:35:39
Speaker
I'll print out one if I have to pay for it. um But, you know. But, like, here's the thing. Again, with the, fact like, okay. I know, i know people are probably going to hear me and be like, stop talking about your fucking moon sign, idiot. But, like, but for real, for real, when you, so, like, it's an unaspected Leo moon, which means there's no, like, there's no other planets, like, having any sort of relation to the moon.
00:36:10
Speaker
in my chart like there's nothing square nothing opposing nothing trine okay style like it is fully unaspected and it's a leo moon so it's like already intense and then there's nothing to support it crazy i've never that is really interesting because i've yeah i've heard of those terms that you just listed off yeah like i i never realized that there could something that is like completely unopposing and like unaspected or whatever. Yeah. Like I never knew that and I never thought about that. And it's like, yeah, wow. That makes some sense. well to god Like it was one of the things, know, cause know, two years ago I had those astrology sessions where I learned so much about my chart. And it was one of the things that she ended up actually emailing me about after our sessions, like after all three were done, she's like, Oh, I completely forgot.
00:37:05
Speaker
to mention this like your moon sign is unaspected it's going to be out of control ah like it it is like there is nothing to check it wow duly And so I was like, fuck, because she had already said Leo moons feel everything super intense. I'm like, okay, that makes perfect sense to me. But then to be like, no, it's like not just intense, it's out of control. And like, there's nothing to rein it in. it just, it just made everything make sense in my life. Yeah, truly, truly, because I swear to God, i have been traumatized by the intensity of my own emotions.
00:37:49
Speaker
Like, I have given myself trauma from how much my panic attacks have made me feel like I am going to die. This is what I mean. the meme, but did you die?
00:38:01
Speaker
Bitch, I almost did. It sure felt like I was. like You know, it's like, no, did I physically like leave this corporeal form? No.
00:38:12
Speaker
Did I wish that I could? Yeah. It was, you know, it's just like, that's how bad it gets sometimes. And so it's like it it is extremely helpful for me to know this about myself because i at least can and have been able to remind myself in those really intense moments like this is disproportionate to the reality of the situation.
00:38:39
Speaker
So like let your feelings happen and understand that they will pass and it will be over and you will not feel this way forever. Like, that's the other thing is in those moments, it's it it feels like that's how it's going to be for the rest of my life, which is the least logical thing in the world.
00:39:01
Speaker
Yeah, I can understand that. And so it's just like yeah to understand, like, OK, it feels so much worse than it is, is extremely helpful. Yeah.
00:39:15
Speaker
You know, because then I can just sort of then I can surrender to the emotions let them run their course and then be like okay i'm okay she yeah that's why i gotta be a dramatic bitch sometimes
00:39:33
Speaker
maybe that's a you know a good reason to have somebody like me around you so i could just be like shut up no no the literal point is i have to let it out I get it.
00:39:47
Speaker
But i know once once you have your initial freak out, that's when you can be like, cut it out. You know what I would prefer, particularly for like the anxiety moments, is if you're going to be physically around me.
00:40:02
Speaker
is that like delightful like just like face and like hair stroking and like the very like gentle mom hands that you do. calming thingies. The calming hands. Yeah.
00:40:16
Speaker
Just sort of being like, okay, like you know I'll go put my ice pack around my neck and then like lay down like in your lap while you just sort of calm me with your gentle mom hands. Okay.
00:40:32
Speaker
the gentle mom hands again it's like when i you know obviously it's a little different with like a full full blown panic attack but when it's like the kind of anxiety i've been having the last few days where you know where it feels like my whole nervous system is on fire sending pain signals to my brain for nothing that's actually physically happening to me like that's kind of the only thing that you can do it's just like seek like soothing techniques yeah And that's that's kind of it. And so, like again, with the whole, like that's why I got the ice pack, because at the very least, I can you know reset my spinal column.
00:41:10
Speaker
which
00:41:13
Speaker
And... And be able to like function at least from there. But yeah, just like having that realization of like, I have to let go and I have to, I have to fucking figure out how to, otherwise I'm gonna be miserable for the rest of my life.
00:41:30
Speaker
Yeah. You know, like it just, it, it, and and, you know, almost on like a metaphysical level, It was like you said it was a little bit of a psychic
Manifestation and Intentions Over Goals
00:41:41
Speaker
moment. I think it was a little bit of a manifestation moment.
00:41:44
Speaker
ah I think it was with how bad my anxiety has been. And then having that thought, which is net not at all the first time I've had that thought, like I said. But like having that thought after all of this crazy stress um and then having it happen was the universe's way of being like, see, you better fucking be careful.
00:42:06
Speaker
Yeah, because the more you stress about a thing, the more you make it happen. Well, right, exactly. yes that makes total sense. whom So, yeah. Like...
00:42:18
Speaker
oh I learned a lesson today. Yeah. yeah And again, I'm not cured. But I am... something i don't know what i am you're on a path i am i can't even say on a path i don't there's no destination here man like i just want to be less miserable for my day-to-day life that's a path yeah but there's not going to be a destination sure there is
00:42:50
Speaker
no Because once I get there, there's more there's more places to go. There's always more to to do and like other things to try to achieve. like It's just... it's i need to and like i I need to... This is why I hate goal setters. This is another fucking rant.
00:43:11
Speaker
Goal setters, man. I can't do it. It makes no sense. It's like the moment you get to a goal, what was the fucking point? o Just keep doing things. Yeah.
00:43:22
Speaker
You know, and like, and and I say that partly out of like a exasperation for like the wellness community and like, you know, the like toxic positivity, you set goals, make your life better. me Fuck off.
00:43:38
Speaker
i have never been a goal setter dude i have never figured out how to think is how to work towards a goal it's just like me i just want to live my life beat myself up over it exactly that's part of why i'm like sick of it you know just like like you know new year's resolutions i yeah a long long time ago decided that that was bullshit and stupidity and i'm not doing it yeah that's why oh when when i switched from new year's resolutions to new year's themes which admittedly i can't remember the last time i did themes for a few years and it's been a long time since i actually actively did that but like okay new year's themes of like here's what my focus is gonna be for the year
00:44:29
Speaker
um
00:44:32
Speaker
Like, that fucking changed me. and it And it, like, honestly, that was, like, if there was, like, a before and after of my life, it was at that point.
00:44:47
Speaker
It was at New Year's 2015. Yeah. yeah um Like, you know, and other stuff had happened, and I was sort of, like, a broken shell of a person at that point anyway.
00:45:01
Speaker
but that was when I realized like I had to take control, which is an entirely different thing than the letting go of control that we've just been talking about for 45 minutes.
00:45:17
Speaker
But like had to take control of my life where I had been raised so completely out of control, which is probably part of the reason that I have such a problem now with like trauma about not being in control right because of the way that i grew up but 2015 is when i took control from 2015 is when i rebuilt my identity and at the beginning of 2015 it was not fully conscious but like i resolved rather than having resolutions i resolved to live authentically and
00:46:01
Speaker
And like, if there was a theme, I'd call it authenticity. And I rebuilt my life. And at the end of that year, I found you. Yep.
00:46:12
Speaker
And then at the beginning of 2016, I was staring down the barrel of graduating college and needing to start providing for myself. And having absolutely no fucking clue how I was going to achieve that, but I knew I needed to anyway.
00:46:29
Speaker
And so the theme for 2016 was courage. And I did it. I did what I needed to. Yep. And, you know, I don't remember much beyond that. I know I picked themes for the next couple of years, but I don't remember them.
00:46:42
Speaker
But point sort of being like, there was no end goal. It was just, what's my theme for this year? what am I facing right now? How do I apply the theme to my current situation?
00:46:57
Speaker
And, you know, maybe it's something I pick up again at the end of this year. Maybe. Yeah. But, like, that's why I'm like, I can't fucking do goals.
00:47:09
Speaker
Like, it's, I think it's a challenging thing for anybody who's got ADHD or is neurodivergent in general. But, like, it it always pissed me off because, like,
00:47:21
Speaker
I would never be able to achieve them and always feel like I was failing. yeah And I got sick of that. And so I just changed.
00:47:31
Speaker
I like flipped the game board over, you know, yeah changed the way I viewed it, changed the way I defined it. And now I'm like, you know what? If you want to set a goal, fine.
00:47:44
Speaker
yeah. It ain't for me. um Which is a very different attitude when I was just like, fuck goal setters. But point being, like, I can't try to achieve a thing because I will always feel like I'm failing.
00:48:03
Speaker
Even when I'm doing it, I will feel like I'm not doing it well enough. So the best thing I can do for myself is just say, I'm going to do this. for as long as I can for as long as feels right and as soon as it becomes more
Reflection on Personal Growth and Decisions
00:48:22
Speaker
of a struggle than it's you know worth it's no longer a thing I have to push like push on myself yeah you know and I'm still not perfect at that but like it has absolutely alleviated a lot of pressure yeah oh yeah
00:48:42
Speaker
anyway This is an interesting topic and and and conversation for sure. I hope so. I think it's even going to give me some food for thought, but.
00:48:56
Speaker
Oh, good. I ah definitely have things I want to share with you once we stop recording. Nothing major, just some thoughts I've had about certain things that have been happening lately.
00:49:08
Speaker
Yeah. Okay. Good. Good. yeah Well, and think that's our episode. I think so. I think Do you have anything you do want to say add?
00:49:24
Speaker
No, no. Cool. Okay. Easy peasy. Yeah. Easy peasy. Lemon squeezy. Yeah. i I mean, I will say, okay, I will say.
00:49:36
Speaker
I have definitely, I've had moments of realization about things that I've tried to control that I literally could not.
00:49:49
Speaker
And when I finally figured out that I could not, it was like such a freeing thing. it was like, not only could I not, but like, just like letting go of trying, you know, like figuring out that I could, there's nothing I could do about a thing and just saying,
00:50:04
Speaker
okay that's it i'm done yeah it is like the biggest you know and like what and once you start doing it about certain things it's it becomes easier and easier you know yeah and it's like i like i said i definitely have had those moments where i've felt the relief of surrendering control over particular situations and But, like, obviously that's, like, a temporary thing because then the situation is over and I move on with my life. But, like, we yeah like it's for example, I can't fucking just, it's it's not the same as relinquishing control over my, like, abandonment wounds, you know? yeah
00:50:47
Speaker
for sure. So, like, that's where I'm just sort of, like, that I think is, yeah it's it's trauma. It's, like, CPTSD, you know, that's flaring up.
00:50:59
Speaker
making me anxious for no discernible reason because nothing is actually happening in my current life that should be triggering this. And so there's nothing to do.
00:51:11
Speaker
okay Nothing to do about it except for calm the fuck down and move the fuck on.
00:51:22
Speaker
Go visit some graveyards. Yeah.
00:51:27
Speaker
Yeah. I don't know. I was totally unrelated. I'm sorry. Earlier today, guess because I've driven past some graveyards lately, like cool old ones, was literally thinking about how I would like to try to go to an an old um is the proper term defunct? I have no idea. Defunct graveyard where things are not taken care of and people's gravestones have been overgrown. don't know if defunct is the word would use, but abandoned? Derelict and not taken care of. To go find one particular
00:52:09
Speaker
abandoned yeah but just like yeah like licked derelict and that and not taken care of like to go find one particular one and sit down at it and clean it up, like pull the, you know, pull the grass away that might be covering or scrape off moss or whatever and clean it up and make it look tidy and like talk to that person and say, i would like to do this for you.
00:52:40
Speaker
and I would like permission to take some of your grave dirt. yeah and take the grave dirt with me like just a you know a little bit yeah leave like a little offering like flowers or that yeah or my my service to their tombstone would be my offering probably yeah but um yeah that's why that thought came to me today and i just like really want to do that you should so do it you should too i've i've i've sure you have left offerings and and taken grave graveyard dirt before nice um but yeah like it's it's good it's worth doing sweet so yeah was just thinking in moments or on days where you're feeling particularly stressed or anxious
00:53:30
Speaker
Try to go do something like that. And now I have the time. Go hug a tree, dude. Yeah. Hug a tree in a graveyard. Yep. And then lay down on the grass.
00:53:43
Speaker
Barefooted. You know, it was kind of nice once was. oh God, this is going to be depressing. Maybe last time I visited my dad's grave, which actually I don't think it was the last time it was a couple times ago.
00:53:58
Speaker
I was just there with my grandparents, my dad's parents. um i was None of the rest of my family was there. I was visiting by myself in Mississippi. and we took a trip down to the area where my dad is buried.
00:54:15
Speaker
um and i went and just laid down on his grave. Aww. and just sort of felt like I was communing with him. And this was before i was, like, actively a witch.
00:54:28
Speaker
oh um This was... I had, like, you know, dipped my toe into reading about some witchcraft, but I was not calling myself a witch at the time.
00:54:42
Speaker
This was, like, very... This was, like, January 2014. Okay. okay of And I remember this, too. Like, my my grandfather was lovable but a little bit of an ornery character as southern old men are to be and you know he was seeming to get a little impatient with waiting around for me and my grandmother him and basically don't know what she said but i know that she like basically was like let her do this you know yeah just waiting by the car
00:55:25
Speaker
and I just laid down on my dad's grave. You know? It was, like, part of the reason, like, because, you know, I, when I was, before I graduated high school, like, going down to visit that side of the family was at least a once a year thing, sometimes twice.
00:55:45
Speaker
But once I started going to college, like, the opportunity is really not dried up but they just it it's just less and less you know now the last time that i've been to mississippi was 2022 yeah it's now four years ago god dang time is flying by my friend know and before that it's been five years you know yeah it's very it's like since i graduated high school i remember i can
00:56:19
Speaker
point to
Music Recommendations for Emotional Release
00:56:22
Speaker
four distinct times i've been to mississippi and that's not enough yeah i graduated high school fucking crazy oh i want to go with you i want you to too i want to go we got to make a plan yeah mom i did you have anything else To say before I say something.
00:56:44
Speaker
I think I'm, I think that's it. I will, I will make one recommendation for a song. Okay. Sinead O'Connor. Okay.
00:56:55
Speaker
I am stretched on your grave. It's a good song. Okay. It's beautiful. Okay. Is it going to make me cry? I don't know. Okay. It's, it's very dynamic.
00:57:08
Speaker
Okay. I'll, I'll give it a listen. Yeah. It's definitely got, I think it emotion provoking sounds and lyrics, sound and lyrics, music and lyrics. um yeah But it's in a way more like cathartic type than depressive.
00:57:32
Speaker
and i don't know. That's how I took it. And I've known this song since I was about, 15. Yeah. Yeah. yeah Something like that? When I listen to that album for the first time? oh That's the thing is that like when I cry it is cathartic. Like when I'm depressed I don't cry because I don't feel anything. Yeah. um So like yeah like it's you know I um i can i can vibe with that.
00:58:01
Speaker
So yeah okay I will listen to it. Dude I'm so excited. Please tell me what you think about it afterward. Absolutely I will. So, and this is a recommendation to the listeners as well. Not just you. I want the listeners to go find that song. It is very good.
00:58:19
Speaker
Okay. Cool. Anywho, that after already saying that's been our episode, that's been our episode. Yep.
00:58:32
Speaker
Time to say goodbye. Okie dokie. Alright. love you guys. Thank y'all so much for listening to us. We are super grateful for you being here and supporting us. And ah we will see you again next week.
00:58:49
Speaker
Go give us five stars. Yeah. Write us a review. If you think we're worth it anyway. Yeah. worries. Alright.
00:58:59
Speaker
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