Transcript
Speaker: Yeah. I mean, not only is it almost 100, but it's almost our second year anniversary. I did a little bit of um forecasting and basically episode 100 is going to be right after what would be considered our two year anniversary. Yeah.
Speaker: of our first release right our first episode release of our very first yeah we were we released three episodes on our like very first drop day and that was august 13th 2024 holy crap i know so the following monday which is the will be our yeah um yeah the 17th will be because this is going to come out on the 3rd then our 99th episode will come out on the 10th and then our 100th episode will come out on the 17th crazy fuck yeah and then our 101st will come out the day before my birthday fucking wild yeah goddamn how did we get here man
Speaker: How did we do this? Isn't that... What the hell? It hasn't been easy. no and No, for sure not. But, like, it's still just... I mean, i don't know.
Speaker: We started this having absolutely no idea how long it was going to go for. like how... Like, and even what we were going to do. like yeah Like, we planned...
Speaker: the first handful of episodes and we mapped out like several potential topics that we've, you know, intermittently chosen from in interspersed with, you know, whatever the hell else comes up that we feel like talking about.
Speaker: But like it, I didn't, I, I like almost didn't let myself imagine that it could have lasted this long. Mm-hmm.
Speaker: Because it just seems so out of left field or or like out of um
Speaker: out of the realm of possibility almost. Like, what the hell? I don't know. I think I in general have a hard time like imagining the future. Like right now, I'm like, what the hell is the year 2028? You know?
Speaker: yeah It doesn't feel real. it's It's just, I think that's just a symptom of the times we live in. But yeah still, like, it just, yeah, I don't know.
Speaker: It blows my mind, dude. Yep. Blows my goddamn mind. But we're here. Crazy how, like, life in general is just
Speaker: overwhelming and nutso like everything that's going on in in this country specifically is just crazy and it feels like not real nothing feels real and for sure even my kid like mentioned something to me couple of nights ago when we were we went to costco did a little bit of shopping and got some food at the food court and we're eating our pizza and he was like You ever get that feeling like you're not really here and like whatever it is, is, you know, isn't real. like and I don't, and you don't feel like you're like actually in your, i don't know if you said in your body or in your, you know, like, I don't know. You just made comments about that. And I was like, yes, I totally understand. Yeah. like It's like called disassociation, I believe. Yeah.
Speaker: So I taught him that. Oh my And keeps telling me that he feels disassociated like every like couple of, I don't know, like a couple times a day. I'm like, yeah, I get it. Cause actually at that moment at Costco, i was actually feeling that too, right before he started like talking about it.
Speaker: i was like, you know, and I'm wondering, is that like an ADHD symptom? i I mean, it's definitely a symptom of like, any kind of neurodivergence is definitely a symptom of mental illness in general. um But I think it happens a lot to people with ADHD and autism in in general as well.
Speaker: And yeah, it happens to me all the goddamn time. Yeah. If I slow down for a half minute, I start to feel it, you know, which is like,
Speaker: i I was going to say like it doesn't bode well but also like I can't really blame myself for something that just is a a symptom of the way that my brain yeah is wired you know like I don't think it means anything one way yeah and the other as long as you're able to catch yourself and snap out of it yeah which most the time I think I can yeah but also like even if you don't like necessarily catch yourself but like thinking of it as like a um
Speaker: just like as long as you can be self-aware because you can you can sit in that space for a while and be okay But like, it's also, you just have to be aware of it and take care of yourself to the point that's like, you don't end up um panicking or, you know, slipping into a bit of a depressive episode. Like, you know, it's, like you're a little more susceptible to that, I think, when you're in that space. But like, if you're self-aware about it, and if you are like,
Speaker: able to o you know reach out and connect to somebody and help that like use a support system and other like tools like it's like not necessarily like i don't know it's not it's not like doing damage i think right um yeah I kind of just offered a little bit of advice to him hoping that, you know, it might help. ah And all I said was just like drink some more water, take some deep breaths.
Speaker: Yeah. You know, make sure you're, you know, he's like, but I am breathing. I'm like, no, one like take deep breaths. Yeah. And like tapping and like re, um, you know, like the, what do they call it? yeah Is it EFT?
Speaker: No. What? Yes. I have no idea what it's called. I know what tapping is. Yeah. But like, can't remember what the letters that yeah are about That and also just generally like, like reconnecting into your body.
Speaker: Yeah. um It helps a lot for sure. Yeah. but Yeah. That's crazy. I, when I was his age,
Speaker: I would not have necessarily thought to phrase it the way that he did. Right. Because I always just ah like I for sure was experiencing it, but I always just sort of like assumed or associated it with like daydreaming. Yeah.
Speaker: Or just like drifting. Never felt like it was anything. or like I'm just really tired or something, you know? Yeah. I don't remember. I thought of as like, i don't feel Right.
Speaker: right I don't remember having those type of things as a kid, but I definitely did the daydreaming thing. Oh, I was big time. Space cadet, right? Space cadet for sure. and like that is also like being.
Speaker: What do they call it? There's actually it so it's like a symptom of ADHD. And it's like literally daydreaming.
Speaker: daydreaming but uh there's like a there's like a clinical term for it um something in the realm of like escapism of some kind i don't really know ah um but that was it's just it's funny to me because i'm like how is that different than daydreaming yeah really like if um if it's a little more intense and more vivid than a neurodivergent person's mind wandering, like, you mean, whatever. Sorry, yeah, neurotypical. Yeah, was gonna say, normal virgin.
Speaker: Normal virgin. It's so like, I never want to sound insulting. But sometimes I feel like neurotypical people Holy shit, this is going to sound awful. Like, they're like NPCs.
Speaker: Um, clarify. in video games, NPCs are non-playable characters. Okay. They're just out there, like, autopiloting from, like...
Speaker: spot to spot you know and you'll encounter them occasionally and just be like i need to speak to you to progress my own story that's so funny it's you know i've heard the term i don't want to devalue their existences you know i i've definitely heard of npc but i did not know that that's what it stood for Yeah. Non-playable character. Interesting. Yeah.
Speaker: And ah like, it's just, but for that reason, it's like, you know, all these things that I experienced that I thought were just like how everybody felt or what everybody experienced in their life and especially in their childhood are things that are specific to neurodivergence.
Speaker: And it's like, what What are what is happening to all the neurotypicals?
Speaker: Nothing? don't know. Nothing? Like, what? Do they never experience stress? Do they never experience anxiety
Speaker: It's just, I don't know. I'm sorry to anybody who's neurotypical who's listening and is like, I am not an NPC. I have depth. I'm not saying you don't have depth. I have feelings. I have my emotions. and like I know. For sure. It's just, it's just so wild to me because it's so different.
Speaker: Yeah. And like, here's how, here's how I notice yeah i mean neurotypical I was trying to come up with like normal virgin again or something I don't know neurotypical um when I see people walking down the street on a sidewalk next to a busy road with young children who they allow to walk by themselves and the children stay on the path and go straight I am like
Speaker: Holy shit. What must it be like to have children who are spazes? Wandering everywhere. Because like yeah my kid, we would be, I mean, just for an example, walking out of daycare back when I picked him up from daycare.
Speaker: hmm. if you didn't have a firm grip on that kid, he was darting into the parking lot and cars were driving around in the parking lot and I'd start screaming my head off. Right. You know, because I'm like, you're going to get hit. Like I'm screaming, screaming his name and telling him to stop. And like, it's freaking scary. And like,
Speaker: i don't I don't know what it would be like to fit to have a child that was completely behaved and just went where you told them to go did you told them to do, you know? yeah Because he does the absolute opposite.
Speaker: everything that i say yeah yeah and it's like he thinks it's funny i don't know i don't get it but anyway i i i don't necessarily want to also make it a distinction between like behaved and misbehaved or um or poorly behaved or whatever because like don't get me wrong, neurotypical children can absolutely misbehave. Oh, yeah. And neurodivergent children can absolutely behave. It's of matter of will they? Yeah, I've seen it enough that I know it happens. I know it can happen. Yeah, like, and I just, I'm making that distinction to clarify for listener, like that we're not saying that neurodivergent children are only ever misbehaved because that's, we know that's not true. um obviously but like to think of it as like yeah that or or just like to see a person who you know because that's the distinction of children but like to see an adult who is just perfectly capable of like getting up and like getting you know, dressed and brushing their teeth and having their breakfast and then going to work and then just sort of like that they can feel perfectly like fine and maintain like a, you know, stable level of energy. Right. Through all of that. And they're never having like a crisis. I can't get through this day. I'm going to die. dude.
Speaker: let me It's like, that's the thing where I'm just like, what is that like? Yeah. What is that like? Because it's not like I want to feel the way that I feel every day all day. Like, this is not fun for me. But like, just thinking about like,
Speaker: Having the capability of just because even on my best, most like medicated days, I've not felt that fine. Right. I felt eons better than I feel unmedicated, but like certainly not.
Speaker: neurodivert or neurotypical level. So let me ask you a question because the the thing that I have dealt with for the last 30 years and I shit you not. Okay. Is a daily stress of running late to work in the morning.
Speaker: Every freaking day when I'm driving, I'm like stressed the entire time because I know I'm going to be late. Yeah. And why In the hell, can't I make myself get out of the house five minutes earlier? you know what I mean? And like not be stressing the entire way. Yeah.
Speaker: I mean, the way that I, because I've actually recently thought of this because it's like I now on leave have so much more time and yet it's not really changed anything about how quickly I can get myself out the door to get to appointments. Yeah.
Speaker: right And I think that the problem with that, and I say problem, not meaning like we're a problem or like there's a problem, but just like the issue isn't not, it isn't not Jesus.
Speaker: The issue is not that like we're incapable of getting to a place on time or getting out the door on time. It's that it's, it's the task initiation of needing to get out the door.
Speaker: yeah it's because you can still get like i've gotten ready and then sat down and like still not walked out the door until five minutes after i should have like it's the task initiation of actually going because like that's the thing and this is you know again highly typical for adhd and autism of like moving into the next like phase or the the next step in your day yeah like you want to stay in stasis track transitioning is yeah like you you want to stay where you're comfortable you want to stay where you are yeah and like it's very very hard to find the right timing to have like momentum of like getting ready, getting ready, you getting ready. And then, okay, I can just roll straight out the door without having it be like a panic mode. Like, Oh my God, I'm so late. Like trying to get, you know, ready with like five minutes oh to do everything you you need to do.
Speaker: Like, it's, um you know, in school, it's more clear cut that, you know, ADHD people need the pressure of a deadline. They need the pressure of like the last minute yeah to be able to task initiate. and like, that's, that's just how our brains work.
Speaker: Yeah. And how our nervous systems work. And like, It's, you know, it only could become clear to me because of the fact that I have all the time I could ever need to be able to get ready and get going. And i no longer have the excuse of,
Speaker: being overworked and exhausted because i'm i'm still technically clinically burning out like i'm you know i'm still dealing with that but like when you're working at least 40 hours a week when you're absolutely like having to be in work mode 45 hours a week because that lunch hour while unpaid is still absolutely on the clock um like you know, plus your commute on either end of the day, like when you are constantly trying to catch up from that, like deficit you're always operating under, it's easier to blame that and be like, well, I'm always just completely overworked and exhausted. So like, you know, that's obviously why, but it's like, no, that's not why it's just because that's how literally just how my brain is wired. Yeah.
Speaker: I can't do anything about it. Like there's nothing I can do about it. Yeah. Yeah. You know, and i've I have like two week breaks pretty regularly. Well, at least a couple times a year with my job and I'll have appointments during those breaks and like be doing nothing, you know, around the house. And then all of a sudden I'm like, Oh, I gotta get ready to go to my appointment. I may be late. You know, it's just ridiculous. And then even like on a Sunday when I'm taking my kid to baseball practice, it's like I'm waiting to the very last minute to start getting him ready, which is a big problem because he is even more transition resistant than I am. you know yeah yeah And so I've been trying harder to like start earlier with him.
Speaker: you know, I start talking to him about it like an hour in advance. I'm like, we have to leave and you know, 45 minutes or we have to like, whatever. And then I'll start like finding the things he needs and telling him where they are and saying like go do this and go put on this and you know like yeah you know gear on that he needs for baseball and whatever so but i'm trying to get him going sooner and it only helps sometimes like we still like he has these almost meltdowns a lot of times when we're
Speaker: almost getting ready to go out the door and it's like all of a sudden something's a problem and he has to start freaking out about something and then I have to sit there and start screaming at him because I'm like you're making us late oh you know oh god it's just this never ending vicious cycle of this crap but and I just really worry about how is he gonna transition into middle school like oh my god he's gonna do six transitions a day to different classes and, and, you know, the lunchroom and just like, I mean, he already did a lunchroom in elementary school, but I'm just saying, you and like walking in a hallway and stepping in a locker and doing all these things. I don't know how it's going to, I don't how it's going work.
Speaker: Well, I mean, the hope would be that it's like it becomes enough of a routine that he adapts. Yeah. um Quickly, hopefully. Honestly, like I remember when I, you know, moved on into middle school.
Speaker: that like I was older i was middle school where I grew up was only seventh and eighth grade not sixth grade um so it was a little different i mean like I you know probably could have been fine if I had to adjust to that sort of a schedule in sixth grade too but like you know it was also the fact that I was 12 when i and I felt a lot older in that way starting seventh grade and starting middle school but like I also, i really enjoyed the structure and I think that that's something that he probably also doesn't even understand that he craves. Yeah. crave it And so like once it's handed to him in the form of like the school schedule, maybe he will acclimate a lot easier. I'm hoping he'll acclimate a lot easier. You make a very good point about that because i i did not like have a hard time
Speaker: necessarily in junior high and high school but like when I went to college it was way more like strict you had to get up at a certain time in the morning you had to be at breakfast you had to check it because I when I went to college it was um I got in with this program this academic program that was very regimented it was in the summertime so it started like at the end of June um and so it was like regimented and like you had to check in with your counselor at breakfast and then you had to be at a certain, you know, class at this time and you had to go to like the lab, you know, like there was different things you had to do.
Speaker: And I thrived and did really well. And I got really good grades for the first time ever in math in college. I mean, i interesting could not understand algebra to save my life in high school.
Speaker: could not grasp it. I just couldn't wrap my brain around it. But for some reason, when I went to college and had algebra, all of a sudden it clicked and I was just like, oh, okay. saying They had written a big giant, like, uh, equation, sorry. plus Okay. Equation on the but blackboard and had everybody work it out on their own paper.
Speaker: And they said, whoever gets, you know, done first, or when you whenever you get done, put your hand up. I was the first one, i put my hand up, and they're like, go up onto the chalkboard and write it out. Like, right, you know, show us your your answer. And I had i did it and I was right. was like, holy crap.
Speaker: I have no idea what that feels like. I know. It was nuts. But I think I ended up getting like a 97 in that class. Wow. at the end of that summer. Yeah. dude Dude. whatever was happening with that program, it did some wonders for me. think that like I think that for you, you really needed like I mean, not to say that you necessarily had freedom, but you had like neglect when you were a child, when you were a teenager.
Speaker: And that's not the same as freedom. But like in college, it's a different experience. Right. And so, like, maybe it was that combination that really did it for you. Because, like, I'd never, I had all the structure. Like, I was fine with the structure. And I, like, did okay. I think I did better in middle school than I did in high school. I, like, swear to fucking God I slept through high school.
Speaker: Wow. Like, I don't know how i did that. as well as I did and I did not do well. Right, me neither. um And I didn't do wonderfully in college but I did a lot better and I attribute that to, you i well, it no thanks to the fact that there was no structure in college. I made it to my classes but like that's because I could schedule whatever scheduled times that I wanted really and like never scheduled anything earlier than noon.
Speaker: Right. I hated my like sleep schedule in college, but like it suited my social life very well. So it it was, I was so ready.
Speaker: Because it it sort of continued throughout like my gap year and then also throughout my time at Berkeley um to like be staying up almost all night most most of the time.
Speaker: um And you know to then sleep as much as I could during the day. But um I was so ready to get out of that schedule.
Speaker: when I graduated like I hated it and uh but like it it was still just like i I could not implement and I still can't implement like structure for myself it seems and again it's blame it on the neurodivergence like yeah there's nothing else to point to yeah it's you know I don't know how to explain that. Like people say, Oh, I need the structure, but I'm also just like, if I have structure, I'm going to rebel against it.
Speaker: oh You know? e And it's just, I don't know how to reconcile it. So I'm, I'm trying to figure it out. What I, here's what I am managing to do is that like through my adulthood, like my,
Speaker: pain and we're going to get to this because we actually, we have a thing we're trying to talk about and we're slowly transitioning into it. But like my physical pain, both like muscular and like inflammation um is physically limiting, limiting to me, not eliminating. What the fuck?
Speaker: um It's physically limiting limiting for me to the point that like have really like i have to take longer to do things like get ready to go places or to do things like prepare dinner or what have you right like i need more breaks and i need like i need to but modify my movements a lot and like it's it's just the way that i have learned to that i have to just do i just have to do it i have no choice right and in that way
Speaker: because I've become conscious of, it not just conscious, but like I've i've had to live in that, that mode for so long i've come to an understanding of like needing to be more conscious of when to start getting ready because i literally physically cannot make myself rush anymore right it hurts too bad to rush and so i'm like more conscious of needing to give myself the space and time for the ability to do everything i need to do and be able to like avoid serious pain and um it's a little bit it feels a little bit like a like a form of self-love m like teaching myself like you need this otherwise you're going to be miserable the entire goddamn day yeah
Speaker: And so, like, if you don't want to be miserable all the time or or the entire day until you're able to, like, actually lay down again, ah you have to do this for yourself.
Speaker: Yes. And it is also a form of self-love or self-care that you exercise patience with yourself. Yeah.
Speaker: So, you know, don't, you know, not only just tell yourself to, like, take it slow and start earlier and whatever but also to be forgiving and patient with yourself about that yeah yeah absolutely um and i try and that's that's what i have had to teach myself to do and so it's like you know the hope is that i'm not gonna always just be chronically in pain but like
Speaker: for now and hopefully in the future i'll take that as a lesson of like even a person who's not even my the you know a version of myself that's not always in pain and always needing to like accommodate for that um doesn't or that that that version that doesn't have that pain still deserves to not be panicked and in a rush constantly and therefore still you know is still deserving of being conscious and aware of the time and deliberately as hard as it can be forcing myself into task initiation to be able to be you know ready to go yeah um on time so yeah anywho
Speaker: Yeah. I think what spurred this, you know, my, my idea to talk about stress and pain and stress in the like ways that it affects our bodies and stuff is because of this crazy thing that has been happening on my forehead right which right i don't know how i never talked about it before but i mean i mean i it that when you started to explain it before we started recording it started to sound familiar
Speaker: But you, like, you don't generally mention it on a day-to-day. Right. And so, like, I just, yeah I don't know when it was that you did talk about it, but it's, ah you know, I didn't realize, i guess, then how much of a constant it is for you. Do you want to briefly explain for those who are listening? Yeah. um So...
Speaker: It was the summer of 23 when there were three pretty serious stressful things happening for me all at the same time. um Just dealing with all of it at the same time was a lot. And like my anxiety was really out of control. And um I noticed sometime around the mid mid-July that summer that I was, I had this really weird tender area on my forehead.
Speaker: It's like the right side and like is it the whole right side or is it just like spot? It's like a line. so I'm guessing it's where a nerve is running probably.
Speaker: Interesting. Yeah. I don't yeah don't know for sure, but it's like right about like from my temple. if you if you're looking at from temple to temple or from hair like the edge of your hairline yeah it's about a third of the way over like ah right above my right eye basically it runs yeah yeah straight up and down and like i noticed it being tender and i just you know it was just strange and like just to touch it a little bit it was like if you know just it didn't feel good it's uncomfortable you know yeah not painful but it's just like there and annoying and it's enough of a distraction sometimes where it's just like god what the fuck you know yeah um and then it would like kind of go away sometimes and you know come back and whatever it was like around more than it was not ah not not around um for the majority of the last three years um but i did notice recently in the last month or two maybe that i didn't
Speaker: feel it i didn't notice it at all and then it came back again yesterday and i was like what the fuck um but it's just strange and like i talked to my regular you know primary doctor about it and she really didn't know and i'm just wondering if it was if it's a form of like fibromyalgia or some kind of like you know like the strange unexplained pain and I think that it just fibromyalgia I'm not sure because I have not educated myself so I apologize yeah I think fibromyalgia is like a nerve pain issue or something like right yeah that's my understanding I also have an extremely limited understanding but that is my understanding of it is that it's like unexplained and unexplainable nerve pain that like
Speaker: if there's not nearly enough research done right into it so so it might be that it might just be ah you know something like that i don't know but um because of where it is and and how it runs on my like in a line i just would assume that there must be some kind of nerve below like in my skin or below the surface of my skin or something in the muscle i don't know but um it feels weird and I really hate it. So I'm just like waiting, hopefully for a time in my life where I have no stress and like, it just goes away and never comes back.
Speaker: But you know, I just was like thinking about how stress affects us and like how the weird ways that it can manifest in our body.
Speaker: It was so strange. Yeah. It's ah like, as with fibromyalgia in general, women's health and like ah autoimmune issues and stress related physical problems, none of the above are researched enough or understood better or they should be understood better by doctors. And they're not. And it's like really discouraging to have to basically self-diagnose and like self-treat. Mm-hmm.
Speaker: you know Because trying to see a doctor is an extreme like shot in the dark chance that you're going to be even listened to let alone like understood. yeah um And like for us, like within our own medical family history, we have like multiple autoimmune disorders, including but not limited to arthritis, which both of us are experiencing already.
Speaker: like it is like, and it's, and I used to not understand like how can arthritis or like, you know, cause I grew up with an aunt who had rheumatoid arthritis and like, it was just a really bad ailing thing for her. And through hearing about her experiences, I understood or or I was under the awareness that there were better days and worse days for it. And I couldn't comprehend how could that be for like a chronic illness. Cause like my only experience of like a chronic chronic illness was cancer with my dad, which was just sort of like, he didn't necessarily have better days or worse days. He just had gradual worsening days. yeah um And it was a much like, it was a very slow decline, but it was still a steady decline.
Speaker: um But arthritis is different than any other neurodivergent, Jesus, any other autoimmune disease.
Speaker: issue is the same it's it's you know you're gonna have better days and worse days depending on your stress yeah um and other factors there are so there are tons of factors but i think it is universally understood and accepted and and seems to be one of the most common factors amongst women in particular that stress worsens inflammation yeah
Speaker: which is the the primary symptom of an autoimmune disease. Right. And so, like, inflammation in the joints, inflammation in the skin, inflammation in fucking anything, like, it makes your allergies worse. It causes nasal polyps, like, for me, like I've had before.
Speaker: um Like, it's, the pain is just... there there's it's a never-ending parade of finding out new ways to feel pain.
Speaker: Yeah. Yeah. Yep. Most recently, and this is ah this has been a common thing throughout my life, but in particular stressful periods of time, I develop an eye twitch.
Speaker: Oh, yeah. And, and like, spasm. Yep. And I've been feeling that for almost a week now. Ugh. I had an eye twitch recently, like yesterday or today. I don't even remember. But it didn't last super long, thank goodness. But I've had them where they were like a week long before. Yeah. i yeah Mine, like, it's going to take a while to go away. it That's just how it always is for me. It's not a super frequent thing, but it does happen. um
Speaker: And yeah, and my joints are sore. My hands are stiff. And I have like inflammation in the skin and I like certainly don't want to get into details about it because it's just, I don't, I don't like to get into details about it, but you don't have to, you know, the point being like I have come to learn through firsthand experience how there can be better days and worse days. Yeah. Yeah.
Speaker: And it's just it like, ah not to even fucking mention how hard it is to get good sleep when you're stressed. Right. And when you don't get good sleep, how much worse you feel physically and mentally and emotionally. Goddamn. Like it's, you know, a never ending vicious cycle when you're too stressed to be able to sleep well and then you can't sleep well and therefore your stress increases.
Speaker: God damn. vicious cycle for sure. Yeah. And like, it's, it's crazy to me. you know, I think I've said this before on the podcast, on the podcast and I've definitely said this in my life multiple times, just in general.
Speaker: That like, if there was anything that I would say to like my 18 year old self or my 20 year old self, it would be learn to manage your stress.
Speaker: Learn to manage your anxiety. Because you if you don't, you will find out new levels of hell
Speaker: that will cause unbelievable pain physical pain in your body if you cannot get this under control and so if you can't get it under control it'll get harder and harder to get under control yeah because i'm not here like not only dealing with physical symptoms you know and and like uh results of chronic stress the physical ailments but now also just trying to combat my nervous system being stuck in stress mode h it doesn't know how to not be anymore right
Speaker: yeah so i'm almost i lately and i'm i'm so so i'm gonna sound like i'm joking and i swear to god i'm not joking when i say this lately i've been trying to think of how to induce a fucking meltdown okay why because to me it feels like the only option i have left as like a nervous system reset
Speaker: So a meltdown, like, just a crying fit, essentially? Yeah. yeah Like, you know, and that's, it's for me, because this is, again, with the way that I have come to understand my personality through my um birth chart, I need to understand and and I have to, like, allow for myself to be dramatic because that is how I experience everything.
Speaker: And so, like absolutely i don't want to make it anybody else's problem i feel safe enough and like grown enough and and also healed enough to uh safely have a meltdown by myself without making anybody else like need to deal with that yeah but like it just has to be like i have to fucking lose it I have to be able to lose it. And I've been, you know, particularly because of how burnt out I've been at work and hypervigilant and trying to hold it all together all the time so that I can just get through.
Speaker: i think that sort of forced me to stay buttoned up more than I want to, but it's also still got me stuck yeah in this stress mode. And if I can just let the floodgates loose,
Speaker: and allow myself to have a goddamn crisis because i now have the time and space to do it. like oh I'll let you know. I'll let you know if it's if it happens.
Speaker: Yeah. When I first went to therapy at age 19, my therapist had a Oh my God. i don't even know what you call it. like He had a group a thing, a group therapy thing.
Speaker: Him and his wife and another partner of theirs, like a, you know, business partner, so to speak, therapist person. They, they ran this group therapy thing and there's a name for it.
Speaker: And I, and I, you know, please forgive me because I'm not going to come up with the name of it, but it's like where you do physical work, physical body work. somatic possibly yeah that is that is what like somatic like work in general body work in general somatic is the word right but it means like body i'm thinking of like whatever word or terminology they used. I'm not sure if that was the word, but it was, yeah. It's what it would, it's, that's what would be used now, I believe. Yeah. So and they had stages to like what they did. And I, mean it was like once a month and I went for like a year and boy did it help.
Speaker: I mean, it really helped because I was dealing with a lot of anger issues with my stepdad and things like that. So, um, But you'd start out like you'd buddy up, essentially.
Speaker: Let me think. um I might have some of the stages in the wrong order, but whatever. That's fine. They had mats on the floor like they had you know when you were you know kindergarten or whatever. And you would lay on them and like the partner person would be ah like basically at your head.
Speaker: and like you know, being like a physical, like, like support person there, and touch was encouraged, but like, you know, obviously it had to be appropriate touch and stuff and consensual and everything like your head, your face, your shoulders, arms or whatever like that.
Speaker: Um, yeah, but it was meant to help you feel safe and like held. And like some people would crawl up like, you know, into a ball, like a fetus and like the other person would kind of like hold them like a baby or, you know, just things like that.
Speaker: Um, but like, you know, anything could happen at that moment. Like you could be crying, you could be laughing, you could be doing nothing. Um, and just but just laying there, but like,
Speaker: Like, and I feel like that was probably not the very first step, but I just remember that was one of the big things. And then there was like the point where, um you know how you sit like a chair against the wall?
Speaker: Yeah. So like you would have to hold that until your legs started shaking. And it's meant to physically break you down, like your physical body, so that the emotions could come out.
Speaker: So when you break your physical body down to a point of like pain, like you're in, you know. Yeah. Strain. You're purposely, you know, inflicting these, this pain on yourself. And it's not like,
Speaker: You know what I mean? It's like pain from exercise, you know what I'm saying? Or pain from stretching, that kind of thing. It's not like, you're not like poking yourself with red hat needles and red hat pokers and shit. Right, right, right, right. you do things that break down your muscles, like make your muscles like shake and get weak. Yeah.
Speaker: They had this thing that was like, you know, like, um... it called a pummel horse the thing that gymnastics people like pummel horse like that kind of thing yeah but it didn't have handles on it yeah and there's like a beam almost yeah but it was pretty round like okay like like like arch like an arch um and you basically would like put your back against it and try to lay back and let your back arch over it as much as you could.
Speaker: and like your abdomen muscles would be just like, oh like, you know what I mean? Because you're trying to hold yourself in a position, you know, yeah it would be like, it might hurt your back a bit, but it's not going to, you know, cause damage. You know what i'm saying? Sounds like it would feel really nice. Yeah.
Speaker: um And then when you got to a point where it was hurting enough, you, you know, and you didn't want to do it anymore, you could just stop. But then they would like have you get the Nerf bat and they had like couch, couch cushions on the floor, two of them. And there would be one person on each side holding the couch cushions in place. And you are supposed to get on your knees and raise that bat up above your head And come down on those cushions like over and over again as hard as you could and scream your head off as much as you wanted to So it was just like, you know, designed to support every emotion you could have and allow you to express it in a safe place. You know what I mean?
Speaker: So it was just really, really therapeutic and helpful. Yeah. And I was able to like work through a lot of my anger shit with my dad and like, you know, pretty much got over all of that stuff.
Speaker: Um, but I feel like if there's a physical way that you can break yourself down to the point of like your muscles are shaking, you know, yeah that might help you be able to release emotions. I'm just, but, um,
Speaker: yeah um I can see that. Yeah. ah i I can do some research and try and find out more about what I i just can't remember because I was like 19. You're good. um It's like that all sounds super familiar. And like there is. um a lot of that is sort of referenced in the body keeps the score.
Speaker: um And that's a book that like, it's, it's pretty intense. There have been some criticisms of it. I don't fully understand the criticisms, but I've heard way more endorsements of it than criticisms for anybody. serious I don't think I've heard any criticisms, but I've heard a lot of people saying that that book is like right up, right on.
Speaker: Yeah, it's it really opens your eyes in understanding um your trauma in the way that it manifests in your body. And like, particularly, you know, we're talking about stress, but like, trauma is stress. And like, it's just compounded over, you know,
Speaker: your lifetime and especially like c PTSD which is like what I have experienced and you know had to be diagnosed with and uh like I don't know you weren't necessarily were you formally diagnosed with PTSD or no but like you for sure have it um through you know everything that you've been through yeah um But like that being a massive contributor to the physical pain that we both experience, particularly our, you know, hereditary predisposition or pre yeah, predisposition is the right word to autoimmune disorders. But like the like releasing of those things.
Speaker: like the traumatic echoes and the traumatic like imprints in the physical body is fascinating um it god speaking of like somatic experiences like and speaking of two years ago remember on a hottest 24 remember that class mm-hmm Yeah, we talked about it. Go back and listen to our episode. Yes. a good one. If a little chaotic and disorganized, it was a very good episode.
Speaker: That class was like revolutionary for me. who And, you know, it's hard for me to replicate those kinds of experiences by myself and, you know, just in general.
Speaker: But like, I at least now have like the tools and I've been walked through the steps, quote unquote steps, because it's not always the same, but like, you know, I've been walked through how it feels to do it.
Speaker: And like, for me, as hard as I struggle with like doing the things that I need to do, call back to our very first topic of this episode, who who you know, like i that's That's like half the battle is needing to know what it is that I need to do. Like needing needing to know what it feels like, what it looks like, what it sounds like to be able to replicate it in any meaningful way or or reproduce it in any meaningful way. And so like I have that.
Speaker: And so it's just, again, a matter of like, I have the tools I need. and I have the you know tips and what have you, but I just need the like bandwidth and the ability to task initiate.
Speaker: um What I really would love, dear God, if I had the money, I'd shell it out, is I would love to go somatic body worker, like a person who specifically finds and targets trauma in muscle groups in your body yeah like basically does like assisted stretching but like talks you through the like you know i assume that there is a bit of like a not consultation necessarily but like communication prelude to those appointments where you explain here are the things that i'm facing here's what i've been through
Speaker: Here's what I need help with what I'm hoping to get out get out of this. And they'd be able to like, you know, target those issues while helping you physically.
Speaker: Like with the stretch, with the move, with the release in the muscles and then, you know, the joints and in the body in general, like those, they're expensive and insurance doesn't pay for it. Right. ah Goddamn. If I had the money, I'd spend it on that.
Speaker: Yeah. You know, like as many sessions as needed who to be able to, there's one woman that I've seen, who works she's in Los Angeles and she does exactly that and every time that I come across one of her videos on TikTok I'm just filled with envy wishing that I could go to her like it's it's hard enough like you know being able to afford those kinds of services but like for her in particular like needing to fly across the country like
Speaker: sucks and there's gotta be yeah and there has to be practitioners on the east coast i'm sure but like you know it's just i i witness what she does for people and i'm like god damn it i need that yeah i need that so yeah but like in the meantime there is a lot still that i can do for myself so yeah
Speaker: do it know i will i like and like i said like independently i was already thinking like i've got to induce a meltdown of some kind yep so it's already on the brain yeah and uh it's insane how much a good meltdown can help yeah like your mental health yeah and like because it's like yeah that's rest reduction i the way that i have just felt like a zombie or like a robot like that's what burnout does to you but like it's it i can't believe how long it took me to realize like i still feel stagnant i still feel like i can't get out of where i you know i'm trapped in
Speaker: because of like being this zombie of being this like yeah and wound up tight like you like like like how he work you know had caused had forced you to go into that mode yeah that makes so much freaking sense dude like i yeah totally understand and like you know you're just stuck there because you had to be in that basically survival mode like for so long yeah was like even if i don't have to go to work right now like i still i still can't get out of like this hyper vigilant like i have to be like i have to hold it together all the time mode right and i want to i want a meltdown
Speaker: I want to have a crisis. Let's have a crisis. How do you do walking around barefoot outside on like rocky little areas?
Speaker: Not wonderfully anymore. I used to do great at it. um I used to be. the barefoot bitch i think we talked about in our fucking summertime episode a year ago yeah um yeah i was thinking i was thinking that you you had been that way but i yeah i wasn't quite sure i used to and i just i don't anymore and i also i forgot to mention this and i'm glad you said something because now i get to mention it again
Speaker: Another ah representation. Sorry, you guys. TMI. This is gross. Bodies are gross. Everything's gross. ah Another way that stress can manifest and does manifest in my body is with warts.
Speaker: Warts? And I have a wart on the bottom of my big toe right now. Oh, no. And so i especially don't want to walk around barefoot outside. Wow. No, I never...
Speaker: I never would have thought that warts would be produced from stress. Like I literally thought you had to come in contact with the papilloma, human papilloma virus in order for it to initiate itself on you. like i don't know. i just know that it happens to me.
Speaker: I've not gotten very many warts in my life, m but when I get them, I know something's wrong. Yeah. I had one on the either bottom of my big toe or bottom of like my, the ball of my foot area. I cannot remember for sure, but I know it was because I was showering at college without flip-flops. Um, and like had to have it cut out, like literally like they, Oh, I'm, my plan is next time I go to my dermatologist, I'm getting it frozen. Yeah.
Speaker: that yeah they can do that too that's my plan i've chickened out the last couple times because i've just been like i don't know i don't i don't want to but uh i'm tired i'm tired of it so i it's like it doesn't hurt it doesn't really hurt but i'm always like cautious i'm like oh always a afraid they can step accident for like if i so if i step on it wrong it feels like it's gonna hurt so yeah i'm just trying to uh not make that worse yeah i've got a couple on my hands and i've been like putting wart remover stuff on them yeah like this is the problem is that like i just i like i could use the little like medicated bandages but they don't stay i even like had one like and i wrapped in a regular band-aid around it around my big toe and it wouldn't stay hmm
Speaker: and stay on there for forgot like six goddamn hours even just while I was trying to sleep I don't use band-aids I just have the liquid stuff well that's what I it's like the there's a bandage that has medication in it It's supposed to be adhesive and it is absolutely fucking not adhesive. And that's what I mean. That's what I'm saying is that it's not adhesive. And if you try to use extra adhesive like a regular bandage to wrap over it and keep it in place, it doesn't work. So... Like, you know, I'm just like, I was trying all these things to treat it that were suggested by my dermatologist and they're just not cutting it. And so that's why I'm like finally, you know, biting the bullet and going to ask her to, to freeze it off. Do it.
Speaker: Anyway, um i don't know what exactly you were getting at though, except for maybe like physical pain or discomfort or whatever. With regards to walking around outside barefoot something. I was going suggest putting something uncomfortable under your foot and standing on it as much as you could. And like that would induce a pain in your body that might make you want to cry.
Speaker: The thing is that I don't necessarily have to induce that pain, that level of pain. Like it just sort of naturally happens because of everything we have already talked about in this episode. Like I already can achieve that very easily.
Speaker: and I don't think that's what I need. i think that I need to just find a way to somatically release, m you know, in, in like,
Speaker: partly maybe like a little bit of discomfort like you know i could see myself aggressively like punching my punching bag until like my arms are like aching um yeah that's a good idea um it's hanging up isn't it Yeah, it's in the basement. um But like something like that or like the, you know, the way that I did it on Ahara's with the like allowing myself to just dance and move my body and like vocalize perhaps. Even in a way that if it initially doesn't quite feel natural, like it's it like eases me in that release.
Speaker: yep So, like, i don't know. I'm thinking of it that way, but I'm also, like, I'm not opposed to letting it sort of naturally occur by, like, allowing myself to think about some of the shit that I've been avoiding thinking about because I've been avoiding breaking down.
Speaker: You know? Any and all of the above. But, yeah, it's one way or another I've got to
Speaker: Do it. So yeah. i support you. Thank you. And so when I tell you that I'm having a breakdown, no cause for panic.
Speaker: Nope. Okay. Good. Got it. Good. um Yeah.
Speaker: Anyway. I would just send you a whole bunch of heart emojis. Good. I will accept them. oh and that my dear friends is our episode congratulations you made it through i don't know i was just gonna people people who are listening yes support yourself physically support yourself And help like reduce your stress by physical means yeah of outlet.
Speaker: That makes any sense. Accommodate your needs as a form of self-love. h Yes. And allow yourself to feel pain, emotional and otherwise, you know, as needed, because it does not go away if you don't.
Speaker: True that. So... Yep. and And that's one of the weird things I have never had a problem with. I've never had a problem allowing myself to feel pain and breaking down and crying about something.
Speaker: Well, you know what? To be honest, i don't know if I've said this before, but it really makes sense that I'm going to say it now and like let it be known.
Speaker: You have a goddamn Pisces moon. Hmm.
Speaker: Pisces moon has no problem feeling their feelings. so you know, you're just yeah better equipped for that than a Leo moon is. Leo moon's just gotta to be a fucking drama queen.
Speaker: But whatever. it's Well, that's the other thing too, is that like Leo moons or just drama queens in general are always discouraged from being drama queens. Yeah. Yeah.
Speaker: And like that's part of the problem is we're being told like shut up and stop being so loud about your discomfort or your unhappiness or whatever. yeah And like then we bottle it all up and then we get autoimmune diseases. It's not funny because it's true.
Speaker: We can laugh because we've been there. Yeah. But yeah like you process things and also probably the way that you process things doesn't scare other people.
Speaker: Yeah, I don't typically have complete breakdowns in front of people. Yeah. But it's like, you know, I don't usually i mean, I had no choice as a child because you're never not like in front of your family. But like, I don't generally end up having breakdowns in front of people. But like, you know, i i think of and this is you know a callback to the days of us not knowing each other as well as we know each other now. But like whenever I would be freaking out about something or in the earlier days,
Speaker: Like, and I would tell you, holy shit, I'm freaking out about this thing. You'd go into panic mode, not understanding that I just needed to fucking panic.
Speaker: And I didn't even understand that that's what I needed to communicate is I just need to panic about this. And so like... it just sort of turned out, turned into like a spiral.
Speaker: You always thought I was doing way worse than I was. yeah And it was, but that was like, even if we weren't like physically geographically together, like, you know, we were digitally like communicating. Yeah. and so it was like, I was having a meltdown in front of you and like,
Speaker: that was just a way of just like, okay, like i I was trying to induce not feeling alone, but instead I just ended up inducing like, oh no, i'm making other people upset yeah yeah i was genuinely scared for you a few times i was just like i don't know what the fuck to do right and like that's the thing that's the beauty of self-awareness dude is when you understand yourself and you understand like what it is that you need from other people and you can start to communicate that and then like also have the people you're communicating with understand
Speaker: why you're saying what you're saying and why you're communicating what you're communicating. Like it unlocks like a new level of like existence and like relationships.
Speaker: Yeah. And so like for me to be able to say, i need to freak out, ah freak out about this. And I need not like, I need you to not give me advice. and I need to just like be able to externally like the process this feeling.
Speaker: yeah Like, it's the only way I can process things. I can't do it internally. Like, yeah and and so like, i can i don't I don't necessarily need an audience.
Speaker: like I can be alone and externally process. Sure, the neighbors are probably going to hear and who knows what they think. But like it still has to be an external process and like it's allowed, I'm allowed to do that, you know? Yep.
Speaker: We all are Yeah. and And that is as much me like stating it as a fact, but also like me reassuring my inner child of it because my inner child, my actual childhood self was discouraged endlessly from making my woes known to anybody else.
Speaker: Yep. And that's just not good for you. It's not good for anybody. No. Yeah. So thanks for sticking her around with us for this this reminiscent, not reminiscent, I don't know, this rumination, I guess maybe that's the word that I was looking for on ah stress and its effects and what what the fuck to do about it. Yep.
Speaker: Yeah. And if they if we for some reason don't have an episode next week, probably it's because I managed to figure out a way to have a meltdown. so That's not me saying that we're not going to have an episode. We will.
Speaker: I'm sure. But, you know, I can feel it. It's on the horizon. So. Woohoo. Yay.
Speaker: All right. Well, you guys, we love you. We got to get going. Um, but we're so grateful for you and we don't know what's planned for our hundredth episode, but it is coming up. So we're super excited and we're grateful for everybody who's been sticking around with us from the start. And even from any point, uh, we are grateful for everybody who is listening to us. And, um,
Speaker: it's, it's just a really cool milestone. We're really proud of ourselves. So thank y'all for being our supporters through it all. And, uh, write to us.
Speaker: Yes, please do. Soulpod, the podcast at gmail.com. Wow. Good job. Go suck our pickles on Patreon. oh my God.
Speaker: We haven't done any plugs for a while. So long. Ah, Oh, man. Sorry. Disclaimer, disclaimer. This is not suggestive of anything.
Speaker: ah But yeah, you can check out our pickles. We got some good ones over on Patreon. ah ah um And also, we have an Instagram and sometimes...
Speaker: things are posted there three updates on like if we for some reason aren't having an episode because i'm having a mental health crisis because we're having a mental health episode too all right but yeah we love you guys thank you so much for being here and we're eternally grateful and uh ciao
