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Kitchen Table Talk | Life in Transition: Trusting the Unknown
55 Plays29 days ago
Big life transitions can feel overwhelming—whether it’s stepping into parenthood, reaching a major milestone, or figuring out what comes next. In this Kitchen Table Talk episode, hosts Chiara, aka "Cheech," and Isa, aka "Nibby," reflect on their own journeys through change—Cheech adjusting to motherhood and Nibby navigating post-grad uncertainty—and how each experience challenges their old patterns of control, stress, and self-expectation. They explore the balance between independence and receiving support, how to recognize when it’s time to course-correct, and the power of shifting your perspective in moments of doubt. A heartfelt and relatable conversation about the messy middle of personal growth.
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Transcript
Introduction to The Ripple Effect
00:00:04
Speaker
You're listening to The Ripple Affect with your hosts, Cheech and Nippy, a podcast that explores how individual change has the capacity to affect the whole. From neuroscience to donuts, we're two sisters with a deep curiosity for ancient wisdom and modern knowledge, and we're obsessed with learning alongside you because we don't know.
00:00:24
Speaker
Let's dive in.
Life Transitions: Cheech and Nippy's Personal Journeys
00:00:28
Speaker
Hey fam, welcome back to the Ripple Effect podcast. It's Cheech And I'm Nippy. Today we're bringing you another kitchen table talk. Just us catching up on life, change and all the messy in-between moments. We both have a lot of transition happening right now. Cheech figuring out the ever-evolving world of new motherhood and me navigating life after graduation and all the big decisions that come with
Navigating Stress and Mental Health
00:00:53
Speaker
that.
00:00:53
Speaker
So in this episode, we're diving into transitions, stress, the stories we tell ourselves about what we should be doing and how we can shift our perspective when we feel stuck. We also get into mental health challenges and how to offer effective support and why serious life moments don't always have to be so serious.
00:01:13
Speaker
I feel like this conversation is pretty raw and real and hopefully relatable. Agreed. So grab your horn, Bevy. Get cozy. And we're going to dive in.
00:01:24
Speaker
Yeah, buddy. Cheech. We did it. but We did it. we have i um We have so much catching up to do. We do. Let's talk about change. Let's do it.
00:01:36
Speaker
and We have a lot of catching up to do You've been in Humboldt. I was up there for a little while during the holidays. i got my psychology degree. Yeah, you got the ah the piece of paper that says so. I do.
00:01:48
Speaker
That was a moment. yeah Congratulations. Thank you. yeah Kiara influenced me not to put it on the fridge like I wanted to.
00:01:58
Speaker
You did say something cool about it, though. You said ah you're proud of what? I'm not so much proud that I got the degree. I'm proud of how I got the degree. Yeah, me too.
00:02:10
Speaker
Do you want to elaborate? Yeah, just I put a lot of effort into learning and into actually reading the chapters and and growing and really ingesting and processing and acquiring the knowledge.
Decision-Making After Graduation
00:02:25
Speaker
I did i did the work, you know, and it feels good to have that degree. And my GPA does you know say that, but my experience and and how I went about that definitely says it to me, you know changed me.
00:02:39
Speaker
I thought when you said that, that you meant how you did it was like with balance and keeping a full life and just the way the rest of your life and how you were as a human through that, because that was my observation of you that I was proud of you too. Like, that's not how I did school.
00:02:59
Speaker
You know, I was obsessive and burnt out. And um i think the two might be correlated. In fact, that you said, you know, you acquired knowledge and you really did the work and feel like, you know, things.
00:03:13
Speaker
Yeah. i remained healthy during that period of my life. That was, and being an older student, I think that's one of the privileges that comes along with it is the life experience of knowing yourself and knowing how to stay balanced in stressful situations and knowing what the priorities have to be to take care of yourself when things are full, when life is full.
00:03:34
Speaker
and Yeah, for sure. So congrats on that. Thank Catch up, catch up, catch up. What have you been doing? How have you been being Oh, that's a better question. How have you been being?
00:03:46
Speaker
Can you imagine saying that to someone in the grocery store? my God. It's so good to see you, Susan. how have you been being? The Ben is weird. I think it's how you being? How you being? well How's your universe? Someone asked us to ask me that in the grocery store once.
00:04:01
Speaker
How's your universe? That's cool. i have been being, being all kinds of versions of myself. Yeah. Isn't that everybody all the time? Everywhere all
Coping Mechanisms and Childhood Influences
00:04:13
Speaker
at once?
00:04:13
Speaker
Yeah. I've definitely experienced a lot of change lately. Obviously, coming to the close of a chapter with finishing my degree and then all the possibilities and options of going from this point where to go, you know, living with you guys and having that be okay that the agreement was I'll stay with you to get my degree and then figure it out from there. Well, I'm in that figure it out phase.
00:04:38
Speaker
And that is scary. I was talking to Amber about it the other day. Our cousin. Our cousin Amber. And we were talking about kind of the two types of change. One being when you don't see it coming and things change immediately.
00:04:52
Speaker
And the other being when you have all these choices and you ha you take the action to change things. initiative And it's a both are challenging. Both have their own challenges. And right now...
00:05:06
Speaker
I've been in that decision-making, choice-making, debating life decision zone. And honestly, I've been avoiding that. No, don't be honest.
00:05:18
Speaker
need you to lie right now. It's going great. And I know exactly what I want do And life is amazing. And everything is just easy. Everything is so easy. I'm so skeptical skeptical when people, when I ask, like, how are you doing?
00:05:33
Speaker
Fantastic. How are you? always like, I think you're psychotic.
00:05:39
Speaker
and That's what I think in my so in my head every time. i don't ever need to lose or say that. But then I think, man, am I such a cynic that they couldn't be actually fantastic?
00:05:50
Speaker
Sometimes I am fantastic. Fantastic? Yeah. Fantastic. What does that word mean? It means like fantasy, like a fan fanatically fan fantastic, like fantastical.
00:06:03
Speaker
was thinking about something that I like about myself the other day. ADD. And i like I like that I'm irrational. That's the part that drives me nuts about you.
00:06:15
Speaker
I like that about me. i I like that you like that about you. just kidding. Okay, come back on topic. What were we saying? To be honest. Thank you. i have been coping bye putting my head down and working and I could feel that that was a reaction to fear of having to make these decisions.
00:06:44
Speaker
And it was really interesting, actually. i I was, what is that saying? Can't see the forest for the trees. Nope. I think that is it.
00:06:55
Speaker
It's can't see the forest through the trees. don't know. We've had this argument. Weigh in listeners, because I'm right. Okay. The sentiment is that that pulled back perspective is hard to have when you're in it. And I've been in it just dealing with property management and life responsibilities. And I've, I put everything into that and just went into the trees and just abandoned the perspective of the forest because it was too much for me to try and make those decisions and try and really get clear.
00:07:30
Speaker
And what I realized when I was doing that, I could feel it. I could feel the anxiety coming on. I could feel that the the anxiety and the discomfort in my system, the way I was dealing with that was to put my head down and clean the grout and make the phone calls to get the things fixed and to clean and to... Would you call that being busy?
00:07:52
Speaker
Absolutely. just Busying yourself. Busying myself. And... And I realized that that way of coping for me is not just in these situations, but it's in a lot of fearful, stressful situations. What I'll do is I'll ah busy myself in order to gain control of my environment.
00:08:18
Speaker
Because i think it goes back to some wounds when I was a child and not having control over my environment. And that being associated with fear and safety and security.
00:08:30
Speaker
And so it was a really cool realization for me to be like, oh, this is what I'm doing. This is how I have coped in the past. How I'm being. This is how I'm being is anxious and then um combating the anxiety with busying in order to avoid feeling the discomfort of things being out of my control.
00:08:51
Speaker
Yeah. And that was hard and sad to to do that trace line back to childhood and really connect with that inner part of me that was little and didn't have control over the situations when and felt that much fear.
00:09:07
Speaker
But then the adult version of me making that connection was so helpful to be able to have the knowledge, have the self-compassion and be able to give myself grace of like, oh, that's what I'm doing.
00:09:21
Speaker
I was going to ask why is it helpful and is that it? It's just that you were able to, if if you gave yourself compassion, what were you doing before? I was just unaware. And what were you feeling before you weren't giving yourself compassion, stress, just stress and so much tension in my body and my spirit and my mind, like tension where where I would hurt, my body would hurt. And I would, and I would associate it to like, Oh, I'm just working really hard.
00:09:48
Speaker
Like I'm just, I just did too much. I mopped the floors too hard today. But the real root of that tension is that stress of not having control and trying to gain it through physical activity. Yeah.
00:10:00
Speaker
Not just physical activity, but um also I hear you saying busy does have to do with your mind and your body. And it kind of, in my experience, negates your spirit.
00:10:11
Speaker
Kind of when you busy yourself, you don't make room for spirit.
Personality, Stimulation, and Stress
00:10:14
Speaker
Yeah. And I was reading this thing about extroversion and introversion and how extroverts, their neocortical activity is oftentimes understimulated.
00:10:26
Speaker
So that's why they seek adventure. They seek interaction. They seek external things in order to get that stimulation up so they can get to the peak point of operating.
00:10:37
Speaker
Like they operate better when there's more stimulus coming in. Whereas introverts neocortical activity is actually overactive. And so they seek situations that are calming to it to get their neocortical activity back down to a place that is high their highest functioning.
00:10:56
Speaker
Hmm. And i thought about that for myself where I think I might be an amnivert. I think I might go both ways, like ambidextrous, you know, but in in that world of introvert, extrovert.
00:11:08
Speaker
And sometimes I don't know if it's from the conditioning of stress level, like the thermostat of stress level that I've set my body at. or if it's literally how much activity I need to be stimulated enough, but I'll like over caffeinate or I'll socialize or need like large groups of people to be in And that part of me is, it doesn't always serve the part that is the calm, clarity, relaxation, nervous system, deregulation to be able to connect to peace and serenity inside of myself.
00:11:46
Speaker
Mm-hmm. So I've been, you know, toggling. stupid but you guys didn't hear that episode, Issa fucking came at me about using the word toggle.
00:11:57
Speaker
togggo Toggle, toggle. Toggle, toggle, toggle, toggle. Now you're just throwing it out there, just using it all the time. yeah so that's where I've been at. What about you, Gigi? what ah What's been going on in your world? Just one thing?
00:12:11
Speaker
yes Just one thing? That's... Just monocropping over here. Just one being, this little tiny 14 pound being is what I'm doing. what you're being. what ah How what I'm being. How I'm being as a mama.
00:12:26
Speaker
Yeah. Talk about change. Fuck yeah, man. It's... um whoa,
Challenges of New Motherhood
00:12:34
Speaker
happily voluntary. I'm glad because this change is so all encompassing and just blasts anything out of the water that is normal, you know, like a norm, meaning just a regularity of something in the past. It's ah nothing is normal. Nothing is the new normal is, is just everyday adaptation. Yeah. And I, I've called it chaos only not in like a stress way, just in a,
00:13:00
Speaker
And a definition of chaos being like you don't know what's coming next and you don't have a grip on what was before. And it all has its own independent element of just um not formative.
00:13:15
Speaker
So I don't have a forming agent in it. that I can't put hands in clay only to a certain point and then it'll just and then it just melts and I had to reform it. How does that feel on your system?
00:13:27
Speaker
Hard. Yeah, hard because I'm starting to come to terms with an old version of myself that I've worked on for a long time, but is definitely type A and controlling and fearful and perfectionist.
00:13:44
Speaker
And that really, really rears its head, partly because I'm so tired. Sure. Yeah. And there's a distinction I just read for parents, like sleep deprivation versus being tired.
00:13:58
Speaker
Tired is you're going to be tired, but then there's sleep deprivation, which is really not conducive to any kind of form of health for anyone in any situation.
00:14:09
Speaker
So I've been really working on that specific thing to the best of my ability, dealing with another human being. It's full on partnership now. Just everything is partnership. It is, you know,
00:14:23
Speaker
no longer singular, which, which is obvious from the outside. was telling someone the other day, the concept of parenting or being a mom, um being a parent before having, before giving birth was like a concept. It was an idea.
00:14:41
Speaker
and you know, you can gain so much from ideas and reading books, but then the, the experience inside of it is It's a full experience reality. like It's a whole new universe. so And one of those pieces of that reality is that I'm not alone. And I don't mean physically alone, like alone time.
00:15:00
Speaker
More what I mean is so partnership. I'm no longer solo in anything that I am doing, especially in the day-to-day because he's such a baby. So it's like you and me, babe, we're partnering together every time we're trying to learn to do things because he's learning something new.
00:15:17
Speaker
And I'm learning something new. And his body is going through the craziest growth that he will go through in his entire life in this specific time um from like zero to six months and then six months to a year. But it's It's that type of expanded growth that I will say for sure, I'm meeting his growth in my own self. I have to, but it's a whole different kind of growth, obviously. You know, he's experiencing a world and I'm internally experiencing all, have to experience all this new change and adaptability
00:15:55
Speaker
And I'm that great at adaptability. I'm going to be honest. At times I'm really not doing so great with it. And it's hard to feel that vulnerable in the partnership. Meaning like, how are you doing, buddy? Well, you're healthy and you're doing okay and you're alive and you're doing great.
00:16:15
Speaker
But your partner, me, mama, is struggling. And I can't help but feel like that's going to reflect that. on him. You know, like if I struggle, it's going to be harder on him because I'm the one providing the environment the partnership, the caretaking for him.
Emotional Honesty in Parenting
00:16:33
Speaker
the The honesty and the vulnerability of that are just, I commend you for just in general to be, to, to share that. And then also to share that with him, because I think it's more harmful to deny those things and try to pretend that you're good as opposed to showing up and sharing. I'm struggling little buddy. Like, Yeah, there's there's there's definitely like two parts of that I think about a lot. Like one of the psychology of it, the facial expressions. Right.
00:17:02
Speaker
They're learning so much from just, and not to make this like a parenting podcast, but just that they're learning a lot from your facial expressions. Let's just put it that way. You know, like if you go scroll on a screen, you tend to go neutral. And they've done studies where kids get really weirded out. They'll try to get your attention because you're scrolling, your face is just neutral.
00:17:19
Speaker
And they're they're like, something's wrong. Yeah. which is like very informative about these screens and are specifically scrolling. And a depressed face, you know, a sad face and a neutral face isn't helpful to his development, the physicality of it.
00:17:33
Speaker
But then what you're saying is very true. Early on, a lot of times I was struggling with my own emotions, right? Kind of denying what I was feeling and he'd be really fussy and it would be peak, peak stimulus for me.
00:17:45
Speaker
And I'd be trying to be the better, you know, that's okay. Like to to soothing him. But inevitably, i would break down and need to soothe myself. And one of the ways i soothe myself is to be honest, say out loud, this is what I'm feeling.
00:18:02
Speaker
And he's the only one I would you know be there to talk to about it in that particular instance, for example. I'm not like completely alone but In that instance, what I what i saw a couple different times was i would be like, yeah, buddy, i'm I know it's hard. i can I'm having a hard time.
00:18:18
Speaker
And when I would say that for me and cry or open and emote, all of a sudden I could feel the connection to him um much better. And and i watched him calm down.
00:18:30
Speaker
it was like an energetic relation of, oh, you're being now present with where you're at and now you can be present with me. And it's hard though, because it feels so vulnerable to be not okay with an infant.
00:18:46
Speaker
You know what I mean? Like the parent role is so strong. The identity of I gotta be the one who's got it together and is okay. And enjoying this is the next layer that I discovered recently that was like, whoa, okay.
00:19:00
Speaker
I'm just surviving, but there's a reality where people enjoy this. I want that. And that was a while ago. So and more recently now, since I've been working on it, I am. I'm starting to feel that enjoyment.
00:19:13
Speaker
Mm-hmm. I feel a little hand I feel um growth or whatever it is. And I'm like, oh, this is nice. Sleep has a lot to do that.
00:19:24
Speaker
That's lack of sleep deprivation. Yeah. The attempt ah of of getting more hours and just this just the regimen of self-care. Like it's so impossible, it feels like, to heighten your own self-care while simultaneously being demanded of to care for and another being. Caretaking is one of the most stressful things anyone will ever do. And that includes like caretaking elders and your parents or grandparents when they're passing or infants or whatever that role is. The role of caretaking is a significant stressor parents.
00:19:59
Speaker
anybody who does it. That is a known fact. Well, and dependency is, is something that brings up a lot of different feelings. I don't know for others, but for me, it does.
00:20:09
Speaker
it It makes me be very serious, um, as a coping skill. Like when I was really tired or rather sleep deprived, I want make that distinction. When I was sleep deprived and having to take care of him, there was this,
00:20:23
Speaker
um What did just say? Seriousness. Thank you. Fucking brain fog. That's the other thing I've been up to. Just straight up. Just hit a dead cell. Oh, hit a dead cell
Parenting Approaches: Seriousness vs. Curiosity
00:20:35
Speaker
there. Yeah. Okay. okay Turning left.
00:20:38
Speaker
Seriousness would be what I would kick into and not seriousness with him, for instance, but just seriousness toward myself. And that, that shit right there, I think is, uh, I almost said the devil's work. It's weird. Yeah.
00:20:55
Speaker
That'd be the devil's word. I don't know why that came. But it's like to be serious toward me, you just get no breaks when you're serious toward yourself. That inner critic kicks on. You get no room. No room for error.
00:21:10
Speaker
No room. Everything's serious. Everything's a big deal. And of course, it's going to translate on to the way I... navigate new parenting. Oh, I got to track this, this thing. He's got to he's got to be this, or he's got to be that. And the emergency mode. Yeah. And I just took a child education class and the educator was saying how they're born 80% who they are. The personality is genetic. And I've seen that research otherwise too. There's like 400 genetic markers that are just built in have nothing to do with parenting.
00:21:40
Speaker
So you don't have a way of formulating most of what a child is. And she was saying that they have temperaments to get to know their temperament. You know, some babies are very active. Some babies are not. Some babies want to go to sleep at a certain time and they're very regular. some Some are not. And I was reflecting on that principle for how I, again, relate to this being.
00:22:04
Speaker
how I relate to this person, how do I get to know them um when they can't speak. It's interesting, back to the serious part, if I just release and let go and watch, I'm like, oh, what are you?
00:22:15
Speaker
Who are you? Curiosity. Yeah. What are you and who are you? And curiosity opens up less seriousness. More creativity, yeah. Because your your seriousness is doesn't really have space for a baby. Like, why why so serious?
00:22:30
Speaker
But I get why, because the stakes feel life and death. They feel like you're formative. They feel like I have so much hands in the clay. You know, they feel like, oh, no, this is up to me. I'm the bigger, more able-bodied person here. but that's not it, because I've noticed since I've been able to turn toward myself and...
00:22:52
Speaker
Maybe give myself grace, but the way I've translated lately is, eh, I'm not taking myself so seriously as a mom. You know, let's just see how it goes. And this is only like Leave little space for whatever. For whatever. The non-regimentedness of it is allowing me to be like, ah, yeah, just come on the boob and let's lay here. Yeah, let's go for a walk. You're clearly not tired.
00:23:13
Speaker
And for myself, too, being like, what do I need? Well, I need to talk to friends for 15 minutes because... That's kind of what I feel like doing. Sounds like you've been practicing adaptability pretty well. Like that is adapting. It's one week. I've been doing it for one week. Practice, dude.
00:23:28
Speaker
Progress, not perfection right here. No, and it it definitely feels a lot better than it was. So those are my cues, like a homeopathic remedy. It's like you try a little bit, you wait a half hour, you see, does it work? If it doesn't work, it's not the right remedy. for you. Right. So I'm trying this and be like, okay, I can see what amounted to me being sleep deprived and showing symptoms of postpartum depression.
00:23:50
Speaker
I got to change something here because this isn't working. Go off the data. That's i always do in my coaching. Let's go off the data. Let's look at what you've tried. Let's look at what's working, what's not working and go off the data. Yeah. it's hard when I don't know what's ah normal, quote unquote. Like, I don't know if this is just parenting. And
Postpartum Depression and Seeking Support
00:24:06
Speaker
and that's where I think the PPD, the postpartum depression symptoms kind of snuck up on me. was I just thought people have told me, oh, it's hard and you'll be tired.
00:24:16
Speaker
You know, it's very vague. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And so what does the embodiment of that feel like? And where's the line between and i'm not OK and this is normal? And then everyone's like, it's all it's different for everyone. you Cool.
00:24:28
Speaker
So but I checked in the other day and was like, wait, but I can endure a lot of pain and suffering and just call it my fault. So I got to check. Check. Yeah. Outside resources. Check in with people. got to check it outside. Triangulate myself of where I'm at. Exactly. Because internally I will just suffer.
00:24:49
Speaker
and I was. And so then I'm like, okay. I've done so much work personally to have a lot of shifts so that I can be kind to myself and caring to myself and forgiving of myself and So that I can be a stronger, more loving version of myself.
00:25:10
Speaker
And naturally, birth threw all doors open, exploded everything for me. So I realized I was not able to even reference that that current most before self that had done all that work. You're rebuilding who you are, Well, not even rebuilding, constructing from nothing. It's not like a rebuild. It's like a let's construct from nothing. We're not remodeling. Yeah, we are. We're starting with blueprints. Yeah, yeah. and no But nothing there to build on. Yeah, I hear that. and with that said, i had a friend do a spiritual session with me, spiritual guidance session and pointed out to me, yeah, but but you you still r the material, the person who has done all that work.
00:25:54
Speaker
to be able to reach and pull that resource that is you back for you for what and what you need for constructing this blueprint. I want to go back to something you said, a few things. One of them being the seriousness and the high stakes of figuring things out. And I think that really translates to a lot of situations that have change in them. Because I can relate to that with what's going on in my life of like, fuck, this is big. I got to figure out, am I going to grad school? Am I living here? Am I moving there? Do I need to work? I got to figure out this money shit. So many things.
00:26:28
Speaker
And I also want to rewind back a little further to what you said about partnership. And partnership with this being, it really reminded me of the schoolhouse of life and partnership with life and how when I get really serious around life,
00:26:45
Speaker
I'm not
Life Intentions and Openness
00:26:46
Speaker
checking in. I'm not being honest with myself about the fear and the vulnerability and the I don't feel equipped to make these decisions. And then the self-critic kicks in of you you can't do it. And we've talked about this particular thought process of I have to figure it all out.
00:27:04
Speaker
And I can't. And I'm not enough. And I don't know. And the spiral that that kicks into. What you said about that really made me think of, whoa, that's so true.
00:27:15
Speaker
When we get serious, when I get serious, when I get pressurized, I pressurize the situations and I contract things. around concepts and I leave no room for, for creativity, but also just for straight compassion and honesty and curiosity and, and silliness even. And like, and space, space and creativity. Cause I really know that my mind is limited.
00:27:42
Speaker
What I can come up with for solutions and ideas and where I think my life should go is limited. And when I open up to the experience that life can show me, had a conversation with my friend Susan the other day, and was a really wonderful conversation. And she reminded me, it's, it's good to set your intentions, set your trajectory, and then observe.
00:28:12
Speaker
Observe what comes into your day, what people talk about, a podcast that comes your way. like Open yourself up for more information to help guide you on your choice. Well, course, correct. Recently, I think it was on a podcast or somewhere in media that was pointing out how airplanes work.
00:28:29
Speaker
Yeah. the majority ninety nine percent of the time what they're doing is courserecing because the wins and everything will continually push the airplane off that course so their job is pilots is to course correct that's what flying is is course correcting And trying to get back toward the original trajectory. and And I thought that was helpful in a lot of ways. It's all the things you don't have control over versus the things you do. I have control over very little when it comes to this world and this life and other people.
00:29:01
Speaker
But I do have control over my attitude towards the things and my reactions towards the things. Yeah. I'd like to be an actor, not a reactor. You know, I'd like to have that strength to face adversity and have the resilience to and the self-awareness to choose. This is how I'm going to show up in this moment. The choice sometimes, the attitude has has been so big. Just again, I'm going to, sorry guys, going to have to keep relating it back to being a new parent. gully She's a mama. That's just what I'm fucking doing now. So he can take it or leave it.
00:29:36
Speaker
Which is so stupid on a podcast. They'd have to mute it. Like, when is she done talking? I'll yell. OK, I'll yell really loud when she's done talking about being a mom and then you can tune back in. Turn the volume down. on an um How do you shift your attitude towards something? Because when you said what do you don't have control over, you know, you don't have very little control over life. Yeah. Other people.
00:29:56
Speaker
for me has never been more evident than partnering with a baby and a human that's of me because a I don't want to control him there's a deep deep want to not control him and i have needs and wants as ah as a human if I'm not controlling then i have to have an attitude shift Toward how I feel about you, you know, not sleeping when I want you to.
00:30:24
Speaker
I have to shift that. How do I shift my attitudes? Because when I was sleep deprived, it felt like um just a never ending. It felt like I feel so unequipped and unadept at dealing with the situation because He's crying. I can't do anything to soothe him, for instance. Getting some sleep. you I recognize, oh, I'm putting that story on him crying.
00:30:48
Speaker
o You know, babies cry, for instance. There's this one action of his and that I'm in partnership with. And so how do I feel about him crying? And my attitudes absolutely influence how I feel about him crying.
00:31:03
Speaker
How do I shift my attitude? I reached for, I got to have a different perspective effective on what my role is here in him crying. Because again, in my sleep deprivation, my default goes to, it's my fault.
00:31:18
Speaker
I'm responsible and I'm bad. And so this bad scenario is my fault. And there's nothing, there's nothing bad about a baby crying.
00:31:28
Speaker
and ah Sorry, my specific baby. There's nothing bad about him crying. He's, he's healthy. It's all good. He's, just But I wasn't good in it until I shifted perspective. and And how I was able to shift perspective was going to an external source, spiritual guidance work, and getting that type of perspective from spirit, from guides, and looking at that macro view.
00:31:56
Speaker
And hearing, validating principles of what I'm going through and getting context from that spiritual perspective that was really useful information that then helped me shift.
00:32:09
Speaker
Oh, this is what's going on. Okay, now I can have this attitude. And then I had some choice in how I wanted to be. Because you said like your choice of attitude, but I think there's a whole loop there that goes into it because I think it's a trap to just be like, just choose. Right.
00:32:23
Speaker
Just choose to be kinder. Just choose to be more graceful with yourself. Just choose. It's like it's not available always. Exactly. Yeah. And I agree. There is a process to that and it's unique for everybody. But.
00:32:36
Speaker
So support is key. Yeah. And context. Context is so helpful. I've had that in therapy so many times where they reflect back to me.
00:32:47
Speaker
OK, but the version of you that I know very capable of these things and has, you know, based on your past, you have figured all these things out and really put into perspective all these things that I don't see clearly.
00:33:02
Speaker
I have that distortion of self. Just like you said, the thought process and the story that I have is not truth always. Distorted. Yeah.
00:33:13
Speaker
I like that word. That's a very accurate word when you deal with, I think, trauma-based thoughts. stories as trauma-based conclusions. But maybe it's just the mind. I don't even know if it relates back to trauma. Yeah, i that's true. I think the mind is creative and it wants to have something concrete to hold on to so it has safety and security so that it can course correct and keep you alive. And sometimes I think the stories that it comes up with in order to do that Sure, your conditioning play into it.
00:33:43
Speaker
But sometimes I think it just does it on default just to do it. Well, it's like a language model, like these chat GPT, like large language models. we pull from what we have experience in. And like you said, you're limited. I think that was so honest and truthful to people.
00:34:00
Speaker
All of us, I want to say, because you don't have infinite intelligence. None of us do. Like we just, we don't have that access all the time. And so what we're basing these stories with them, exactly what you said, the mind is pulling narrative to feel like it can feel secure in something known and conclude on something. And even someone who's super open, the mind's just doing this.
00:34:24
Speaker
And then someone who maybe meditates can be like, oh, that's, Let's look for another alternative. Like your friend, Susan, let's be open about more information. And the worst of it is black and white. No, it's this way, you know? The rigidity. Yeah. And and um so, damn, dead cell.
00:34:44
Speaker
This sucks. Still dead. I see it on her face. Can you help me? She was trying and then just, she thought, okay, I'm just going to get it back in. Nope. No. Still not there. i well I lost it.
00:34:56
Speaker
That's terrible podcasting.
00:35:01
Speaker
Amateur hour. Seriously, though. There's the advertising space right here in Kyara's blank fog mind. So Kyara was trying to collect her thoughts. This message is brought to you by Kyara and Issa.
00:35:16
Speaker
We produce, pay for, and do everything for this podcast. So if you want to support us, you'd like to support us, please subscribe to our Patreon. And maybe Keanu can get some help. That we don't have up yet. Okay.
00:35:27
Speaker
If you'd like to support us, just reach out.
00:35:33
Speaker
Okay, so then... Support Keanu. Getting her brain cells back back online. Getting some sleep. I think the point I was trying to make is just that if we can stay aware of that fact that we don't have it all and in be inside the vulnerability...
00:35:49
Speaker
of it. Oh, no, I'm not supposed to know it all. That that can literally make space for more information and for the feelings of that terror that comes from being unknown to subside enough to offer something else in there. Oh, that was what I was going to say.
00:36:11
Speaker
When you're pulling from data that is the best, it's not the best it's going to come in and fill the void and that may be distorted. That's the data that's going to distort if you have trauma and that's what you're going pull from or you think a certain way about yourself and it's not the best version and that's what you bring in. Well, that distorts the accurate version. And I heard this once. It was so funny and it felt so accurate that...
00:36:37
Speaker
When you are raised in dysfunction, it's it's like your dysfunctional patterns and tendencies are in the parking lot doing sit-ups just waiting to jump in the game. Yeah.
00:36:52
Speaker
And you have to do your work to keep them in the parking lot. Because it's true. It'll just rear up in the weirdest times. It's like that meme of Mariah Carey. When you go home for the holidays and you think you've evolved enough to not be triggered by your family. And she's like, I was stupid. I was lying to myself.
00:37:13
Speaker
It's so good.
00:37:28
Speaker
The other thing we were talking about recently that I wanted to ask you about, you started talking and I stopped you and I said, no, this is for the podcast. Oh God, so serious.
00:37:39
Speaker
I said, no, I said, don't speak. She did. I know just how you feel. She's singing a lot today. I need to not. Um,
00:37:53
Speaker
going to embarrass myself out in the world. Too late. Yeah. No, actually, I'm not embarrassed. You mentioned a an author, and I said, I don't know who that is. And you said, really? Alan Watts.
00:38:05
Speaker
Yes. I can't remember why but I just want to know who that is and what he does and why you are. I said he is an American existentialist philosopher. I don't even know if that's true. We have to look that up Wikipedia. Do know those words mean? Yeah. sure Alan Watts is someone who I have been sprinkled upon, meaning like he comes every once in a while and like, what oh, that's cool. But heat he's just a deep thinker and real well of of knowledge of all kinds of different worlds.
00:38:36
Speaker
religions and philosophies and thoughts. And I'll have to look them up a little more. you remember why that popped into your mind? i It was a resource that I was you using on my walks to try to reset because when I was sleep deprived, everything just went out the window and i like couldn't reach for resources.
Support Systems During Depression
00:38:53
Speaker
I was going to say this earlier too, when you said support.
00:38:57
Speaker
I've dealt with depression and like the depressive mind. And one of the hardest cycles is that, you know, you need support, but you don't have the capability or the the the perceived capability or the energy that to actually have actions around going and getting support.
00:39:20
Speaker
And so you get in a loop that's trapping and it's really unfortunate. It's, it's I think my experience, I can only speak for myself, but that's one of the hardest parts of depression is wanting to get better and not having the energy to make the steps, the behaviors, the actions to actually get the support.
00:39:40
Speaker
to feel better. And I want you to keep going on that. But i I want to point out too, that it's so challenging to be a supportive role as well, because it's the autonomy of what is that person's responsibility for taking care of themselves and respecting their process and what is helpful support look like. So I i would be curious to you in your experience, what does helpful support look like? Because for me as a sister, I can see you're struggling.
00:40:11
Speaker
i don't know how to help. i want I want to, you know, suggest these things, but then I don't know if that's abrasive or even belittling because you don't feel like you have the capacity to go to a fucking mom group or reach out, you know? So does that feel like even more of a load on you or what is that? I guess I can only say for myself again, what if I started talking for someone else? That would be so funny.
00:40:34
Speaker
Let me just talk for the whole. No, I'm going to talk for Kiana right now. And I'm going to say that she and not doing that feels you all need to feel no. So my experience of that is i can only give an example. I spoke with a friend and i was expressing how I was sleep deprived. And she was like, yeah, it sounds like you probably could benefit from getting help for like an au pair or something.
00:40:57
Speaker
And I was like, oh, I've been thinking about that, too. And she said, so do you need me to go research some of those for you and pull up some of the numbers? And um do you need to actually call them and get pricing or what could be helpful?
00:41:09
Speaker
And I realized in that moment what she was doing was she was taking out some of the decision or the work it takes to make a decision. So, you know, but that's challenging because then you're making a decision. for some No, no, no. She wouldn't be making a decision. But like the research it takes to go find or in this country when you want to get a therapist.
00:41:26
Speaker
Right. Yeah. You said just right. Jesus face says it all. scratch your head am a capable human and it took me so long to work the system to try and get ah therapist that was affordable that I wasn't paying massive amounts of money for. Right. And again, the one that fits. So of course you can't find the one that fits. I have to be that decision maker for the au pair a therapist alike.
00:41:47
Speaker
And it's that offering of the action that makes it a little bit easier. you know, getting the number in front of you. You're still gonna to call that number. I'm gonna have to do that, for instance.
00:41:58
Speaker
But putting together that kind of personal assistant work is exactly what, again, for me, now that another person is depressed. That might not be what is helpful for them.
00:42:09
Speaker
that That definitely might not be because we we're all individuals and it all is different. I think you're you're onto something though, that offering of help. Because I remember when interacting with my ex who suffered from depression, i remember offering, do you want me to call them for you?
00:42:23
Speaker
Do you want me to make that appointment for you? And I remember him being like, yeah, that would be amazing. You know, the the look of relief on his face. And it was so minor for me.
00:42:35
Speaker
So minor. Because all I can say is that in my experience of depression, it just feels like... And postpartum depression a little. Other things are happening in postpartum depression for women and for men, for mothers and fathers. It's like hormonal and and other stuff, but regular regular depression.
00:42:51
Speaker
But depression, it feels like there's resistance to things. Everyone else is walking around in air and I'm walking around in water. or some kind of, depending on the depression, mud, some kind of material that feels thicker than the non-depressed version.
00:43:10
Speaker
That resistance is harder to move through, just like water is a little more difficult to move through than air. It just makes things slower. It makes things more difficult. I think that is helpful. Thank you for describing it that way. And thank you for offering that information on what was helpful to you, because that helps me understand a little better how I can better support people who are in that experience or at least attempt to. Well, and the the the question, what can I do to help you sometimes feel so paralyzing.
00:43:38
Speaker
I'm a very sensitive person, meaning not, oh, you can hurt my feelings. The feelings I feel are highly almost so oversensitized. Yeah, HSP. Yeah. Say what that means. Highly sensitive person. Yeah.
00:43:52
Speaker
And it's so obvious, but like that is like it's not a diagnosis. What is it? It's like a characteristic, I would Yeah. Knowing that about myself, I realized I get to give myself a lot of time to answer.
Sensitivity, Anxiety, and Communication
00:44:06
Speaker
Because I will get kind of shell shocked if someone's like, okay, well, what do you need? My ADD brain too will be like, not ADD brain. I kind of say that I have no idea if I have ADD. But the way that my brain goes through ah million different things, i got I need this, I need that, I need this, I need that.
00:44:21
Speaker
And then I just shut down. Sounds more like anxiety brain. Yeah, anxiety. So there's that combination of things, I guess, grace that, okay, let me take a pause and come back to you about it or find other ways to get all the sensitivities, all the things that I feel because there's a lot of it and it's intense to be organized in a way to where I can articulate it.
00:44:47
Speaker
And that takes time sometimes. And that's hard because I i do want the help. If someone's offering, I want it to be now. You got to go. I got to go. So let's take a break and or conclude this session. Okay.
00:44:58
Speaker
But um do you want to give them the announcement of what you're gonna be oh yes okay so everybody i ah went to the dentist I'm going to let you... Actually, I got to go. Okay. So you just tell everybody this. Bye, y'all. It's Issa Solo. I'll outro us.
00:45:17
Speaker
I went to the dentist and they told me that I need Invisalign. And so I will be starting Invisalign soon today. i go to get my brackets on and my trays.
00:45:28
Speaker
And I don't think that's going to be great for my podcasting career, but... It will be good for my gum recession and bone loss. and So that is happening.
00:45:39
Speaker
I may sound a little different. I'm hoping that you will all come along with me and I will be able to adapt and not sound too silly. But next time you hear me on the airwaves...
00:45:51
Speaker
I may sound a little different. Okay. So thank you for understanding and i will do my best to work on developing articulation with trays in my mouth. All right, everybody. It was wonderful to be back with Kiata and podcasting again. We have missed all of you, our clan, and we look forward to continuing this journey together.
00:46:11
Speaker
Take care.
00:46:16
Speaker
Okay. i I think we did it.
Conclusion: Embracing Change and Connection
00:46:19
Speaker
Listen, I don't know what we did, but we did it.
00:46:25
Speaker
Look, unattainable ideals are overrated. We're way more connected and deserving than society's false sense of separation dictates us to be. You're not just one person, you're enough.
00:46:36
Speaker
Your effort is enough and change is possible. Question the standard that says otherwise, because what if almost is good enough? Just by tuning in, you're part of our clan.
00:46:49
Speaker
Not in a culty way though. We don't know how far this ripple can go, but we're going to keep showing up and we'll never get to perfection, but we're all going to be okay if we let the process be the solution and we see the value in the attempt.
00:47:04
Speaker
Thanks for listening to another episode of The Ripple a Affect. We're looking forward to exploring a different facet of change with you next Tuesday. DM us directly at rippleeffectpod on Instagram and let us know what you liked about our show or any of your own ideas.
00:47:20
Speaker
We're really excited to hear from you. We value your feedback because it helps us make the pod better and it's our way of including you in our process. Okay, so ratings aren't the point of why we do this.
00:47:32
Speaker
We really want to make a change in the world. But in the matrix, there are algorithms. So yeah, every single review we get helps the ripple go farther.
00:47:43
Speaker
To help us out, please take two seconds, find the ratings and review section on whatever platform you're listening from, click five stars, wink wink, and leave a review. We sincerely appreciate it.
00:47:54
Speaker
If you want to become officially initiated into our clan, again, not in a culty way, hit the subscribe button wherever you get your podcast. And as always, we're in it with you.
00:48:05
Speaker
Keep questioning. Stay curious. You got this, clan.
00:48:13
Speaker
A special thank you, love, and credit to the magnificent Mia Casasanta for this beautiful music you're listening to right now.