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Kitchen Table Talk BONUS | Editors Cut
73 Plays2 months ago
This BONUS episode of The Ripple Affect podcast revives a lively, yet deep conversation originally cut from Episodes 18 & 19 Kitchen Table Talk. Join hosts Chiara "Cheech" and Isa "Nibby" as they jump right into discussing hyper-independence, exploring its roots in childhood and its impact on adult life. The conversation weaves together personal stories with reflections on the integration of therapy and self-help, highlighting the significance of community and individual support in overcoming challenges. They also touch on the importance of self-worth and how problem-solving plays a critical role in personal growth and emotional resilience. You'll gain practical strategies for mental and emotional well-being, discover the power of seeking support, and hopefully know you're not alone as you hear your hosts talk candidly about their own struggles.
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Transcript
Introduction to 'The Ripple Effect' Podcast
00:00:04
Speaker
You're listening to The Ripple Effect with your hosts Cheech and Nippy, a podcast that explores how individual change has the capacity to affect
Exploring Ancient Wisdom and Modern Knowledge
00:00:12
Speaker
the whole. From neuroscience to donuts, we're two sisters with a deep curiosity for ancient wisdom and modern knowledge, and we're obsessed with learning alongside you because we don't know. Let's dive in.
Hyper-Independence Bonus Episode
00:00:27
Speaker
Hi, welcome back to a bonus episode of the Ripple Effect podcast. I'm your co-host, Kiara, AKA Cheech. And I'm very excited to resurrect a part of our conversation from last kitchen table talk that got left on the cutting room floor, so to speak.
00:00:45
Speaker
This part didn't quite fit into the flow of our topic around beingness that you may have heard in episode 18 and 19, but I did feel like it still held a lot of value, hence this special bonus.
00:01:00
Speaker
You're about to dive right into the conversation, as always, and you'll hear me ask Isabelle about hyper-independence.
Values and Personal Growth
00:01:07
Speaker
From there, we weave in personal stories and reflections on integration work that we've done and the significance of community support, self-worth, and one of my favorite parts where Issa frames up problem solving in a way I've never heard before. and how it plays a crucial role in personal growth and emotional resilience. Oh, and we have a juicy piece on the importance of values and how they affect our lives. My hope is that this bonus will help you reflect and build some practical strategies for emotional and mental wellbeing through asking for support and knowing you're not alone as you hear us talk candidly about our own struggles. So pull up a chair at our kitchen table and enjoy hanging out with us for a bit.
00:01:52
Speaker
and I will catch you next week.
Isabelle's Journey with Hyper-Independence
00:01:55
Speaker
Also, you had did something earlier in the conversation about hyper-independence, and I realized I hadn't heard that term maybe before, and it was kind of self-explanatory enough, but I was curious for you where you started to pick up our notice that that was something for you and where you learned it, if you learned it.
00:02:18
Speaker
Yeah, I think I have a better understanding of this now for myself. When when it first started, a I came upon it through this overreaching responsibility, this tendency to think and feel as though everything was my responsibility.
00:02:34
Speaker
And I learned that that wasn't truth the truth and that I'm not responsible for anybody else through Al-Anon, really, through my Al-Anon program, really just starting to utilize program to understand that, no, I'm responsible for myself, this I'm not responsible for anybody else. But then from there, the way it kind of led into my understanding now, what I call hyper-independence is actually attached to the feelings of loneliness Now i I think that I understand that that comes from not having a secure attachment as a child. So I don't believe that I gained a secure attachment to my caregiver as a child and therefore there's a sense of loneliness and a sense of insecurity and not knowing.
00:03:21
Speaker
that anybody will actually be there for me on a deep level. So what I did to cope was I became independent and self-reliant and then it developed into an over responsibility because I felt as though I was responsible solely for myself and for my survival and for my own
00:03:47
Speaker
care. And I think there is something to be said that like a lot of people feel that way. And there is outward messaging like, yeah, you do have to take responsibility for yourself. What makes it unhealthy? no What did you find in your life that was unhelpful about that? Well, that's where I believe it started. And then because that that tendency, it turned into not only am I way this way with myself, I'm this way with others.
00:04:13
Speaker
um And I think it's my responsibility to fix the problems, to fix the tension in the room, to help the people that don't feel good feel better at all costs. My role was not to take care of myself, it was to take care of others and make sure that I was didn't need anything from anyone so that I could take care of other people.
Support Systems vs. Self-Reliance
00:04:38
Speaker
And that I didn't need any, I had no needs. Damn, right? Not good. No. You, everyone has needs. Yeah. I have no needs is not real. No. And it's an impossible problem. It's an impossible problem. An impossible problem is a problem that cannot be solved. Yeah. And it's so unhealthy because this hyper independence leads to thinking and feeling that support is weakness. Yeah.
00:05:07
Speaker
that vulnerability is wrong, that not being able to do it by yourself equals failure. and And not only that, like on the deeper level of not having that caregiver and that needs being met, if I can't give myself the things that I need, then I can't be safe, secure, or loved. And that's the loop, because that's the motivation that makes you keep trying to do it all on your own. Because you do need to feel loved. And there are certain needs I can give myself.
00:05:38
Speaker
but when there are needs that I can't give myself, like community, social interaction, healthy, loving relationships from the outside in as well as with myself. The idea that like I have to do it all by myself. Yeah, because support is a part of a healthy system. It makes me think of lower socioeconomic, BIPOC people where It's like, yeah, do it all on your own. Well, bootstrap. Yeah. Well, I might need a little assistance because I've started on the outside rung of the race. I'm on the furthest most part of the track. 400 years behind. Yeah. Like systematically have had situations where I do need that grant or I do get to have that um supportive government service just to get me to an even level of not even just competition, but just life. And that's not not work for me. Like when I.
00:06:36
Speaker
take that idea and I put it onto my own you know process of understanding myself. It's like, no, I did need help to understand these things. I didn't come to this realization just overnight. you know It took me years to understand and practice self-care and minding my business and having business to mind and really focusing on what I was in control of and what was my healthy responsibility.
00:07:03
Speaker
And then it took more years to you know learn about my co-dependence and what that looks like and how to show up in relationships in a healthy way. And then it took more years to learn through school and learning psychology about my attachment and about what how that affects me. And I'm still i'm still learning all
Self-Love and Acceptance in Personal Change
00:07:24
Speaker
of those things. so it's And that's all work.
00:07:27
Speaker
yeah And i have I have privilege that I've been able to put myself in those positions and openness enough to have accessibility to them and and become industrious enough to figure it out on how I'm going to do it. But it's work. Doing the processes to to help yourself isn't always easy. It can keep you stuck. It can keep you not changing. It can keep you suffering.
00:07:49
Speaker
To try to find out about yourself. Like you just said you did these different processes up until psychology and that was your way in and someone else might take a path of spirituality or of therapy therapy exactly or it just whatever there's a delix or there's so many conversations with your family or You know, yeah writing being traveling. There's so many there. Yeah creative so many different ways of of getting that pathway more clear for yourself to learn about yourself to know who you are so that you can help yourself. I feel a lot of paths to helping yourself but sorry a lot of paths to learning about yourself lead to having love for yourself.
00:08:35
Speaker
That's a goal. that It seems like a simplified way of saying it, but i that's been my experience because love is a door opener for more support and different resources and change. I think it can be that. ok It's been for me. Especially if you haven't practiced self-love ever.
00:08:57
Speaker
Because that's a big distinction. When you start to feel your emotions and what you're going through and then meet yourself with love and understanding yeah and grace and space and acceptance, that for me has been a very powerful tool for change because it's a different way of interacting with myself. it's a i treat I'm treating myself in a new, more loving way, which The old way was self-criticism and being hard on myself and feeling overwhelmed of emotions that I'm not capable of doing what I want to do with myself and with my life.
00:09:38
Speaker
And those feelings suck. Yeah, that's well said. That's so well said, they do. And and that part is work, like just to reiterate what you were saying. Having self-acceptance, having grace, having a kinder way to speak to yourself, if that wasn't what you were modeled and taught,
00:09:59
Speaker
or just cups naturally, maybe. That's not easy. To override the programming, like a computer override program. It's got one computer program running. You have to stop that program and start another and go to your task manager and be like, okay, how am I going to manage this? I don't want to manage this with this software. I want to manage it with this new software. Yes. And that's, and that takes time. In my experience, it today has taken time and it has taken support.
Self-Awareness and Community Support
00:10:26
Speaker
So I'm so glad.
00:10:27
Speaker
I'm so glad you touched on that because that's such a big... That's so good. Everything you just said was so good. Thank you. Do you feel like if you can remember where you didn't have the things to listen to on your walks, the literature to turn to where you started to try to collect some of those things? And the reason I'm asking you this, I was reflecting on my 20s and I was like,
00:10:49
Speaker
I don't think I was working on myself at all. Like, I was a crazy person. I was just flying through trying to survive. And then I think I started working, quote unquote, on myself in my 30s. And wow, what a difference that makes. So yeah, I was laughing to myself at my 20s. I was so aloof. I am so grateful that I have good angels and good friends because I don't know how I survived that.
00:11:17
Speaker
Oh, my God. Where was Because I definitely wasn't in my mind or body that I can recall ever. Oh, man. When I look at the difference, that's exactly how I would describe it. I was not in my body. Things were running the show that I was not. I wasn't aware that things were running the show. Yeah, I definitely don't feel like I was in the driver's seat. But I guess I will take that back a little bit, because there are times I can think of in my 20s where I was very clearly.
00:11:46
Speaker
Intentionally. living my life the way I wanted to. Really? Yeah. Good for you. Because I mean, I moved to Hawaii in my 20s. I had very clear intentions for myself of what I wanted my life to be like and took action on that. And I felt good about my choices a lot of times. But there was definitely programming so so running that I was unaware of. To your question, though,
00:12:08
Speaker
I can't really put a finger on a time where I didn't have those resources, but I will say that, again, just the internal experience of being not good and having that be an indicator to I need I need something to to help myself. I don't feel good. I want to get back to a place where I really feel at peace inside my body. I think my life really reflected that, where I was like, this isn't good. The mindset I have is, I don't know how to do, I'm not i'm not coping.
00:12:39
Speaker
you know, and really reaching out for help in those times to be able to get to where I have resources, I have community, I have tools, I have spirituality, I have therapy, I have these things that I so have added to my toolbox over time, but I think it was it was just feeling really bad. Pain. Feeling pain, feeling out of control-ness, feeling like I couldn't cope I couldn't figure things out feeling like I had to figure things out and fix things and I couldn't do it. Thank you for sharing that truly because that's what strikes me about what you just said is before I even got into personal development when you were talking about you moved to Hawaii and you had clear intention in my 20s I was in college and so there was this structure and I really remember not consciously but it was so important to me to get a degree
00:13:35
Speaker
and to do well in school, to have A's. There was such a focus on that structure being the thing that could validate and give me some value and give me some worth. And it was all external. And so when I did graduate barely, like my my grades were fine, but the my emotional and mental and physical well-being was really taxed.
00:13:59
Speaker
And I had that degree and it's a piece of paper, you know, with no guarantee of job and not a lot of passion behind it. I think that that was what really plummeted me into a crisis of self, meaning who am I? What am I doing? What did I do all this for?
00:14:15
Speaker
There's got to be something more. But for me, I realized that in my own journey, similar of I'm not well, it took a lot to try to boost that part in me that goes, and I need help and that's okay. And I connected now looking back to worthiness. My self-worth and different programs that were running, it's just so hard on myself that if I was suffering, it was my problem to bear. And it was because of me, I was the problem.
00:14:41
Speaker
There was something wrong with me. You know, it was a theme, kind of a tape, a loop. I was just trying to solve the problem. That was me. I can't say that there was a worthiness component that I was aware of, but I can say there was a problem solving that was a strong intention. It was, these are issues that I can't solve. And someone led me into the door of a 12-step program and I was still trying to solve the problem of something completely different than what I was actually there for. And then through that journey is where I realized, oh,
00:15:17
Speaker
and deeper and deeper. Like we're talking about how I'm like just this never ending onion. Am I just like, is there ever gonna be a time where there's not a layer to go deeper on and another thing to have to look at? No. I don't think there is. I think I'm a never ending onion. You said something I want you to go back because you kind of, you said it very quickly and I think it was so apropos.
00:15:43
Speaker
You were focused on a problem that wasn't the problem. No, you said I was trying to solve the problem of other people in my life and how to fix that. And I didn't realize, oh, no, the problem was never external. It was always my reactions to that thing. My.
00:16:04
Speaker
actions in that thing, my role in that thing, my mindset. All the things that had been affected were me. I was the one that was irritable and unreasonable and trying to force solutions and losing my shit and crying on the floor and not able to cope. I was that one. I was the one that could deal with the things that were going on in me. And I didn't get there because I wanted to solve me.
00:16:32
Speaker
I wasn't trying to fix myself at that time. I had to externalize everything and I learned and I'm learning.
Tackling Impossible Problems
00:16:40
Speaker
That's not how this works. I think it'd be helpful if you feel comfortable sharing the context of what those external circumstances were, what you were trying to solve. Because you said ah they know that you were the problem, or you said that you were the the way you were reacting to those things. And I think it could be helpful if you felt comfortable to share. Yeah, I think I've shared it before that 12-step program that I was referring to that I originally found was Al-Anon, which is for friends and families of addicts and alcoholics. And so it was dealing with addiction and alcoholism that I was trying to solve and figure out that I found myself in my own 12-step program that was designated and designed for me.
00:17:29
Speaker
as the friend or family member of the alcoholic or addict. I think that is important clarification that that type of interaction is maddening to try and solve. It's an impossible problem, right? Which is really impossible to solve. It's an impossible problem and it leads to feeling like you're a victim, feeling like you're crazy, feeling like You can't possibly keep going that way and can lead to depression. There's just so much. Impossible problems are, they they will drive you. There's nowhere to go. You're just driving in circles, you know? The power of being able to ah identify the problem, identifying that, oh,
00:18:14
Speaker
this is an impossible problem, for instance, or, oh, this is a problem I don't know enough about to call it a problem yet. Yeah. And that's, it goes to that well-defined versus ill-defined problem. And the definition of a problem is that your current state is not equal to your goal state.
00:18:34
Speaker
So we you say that again, your current state is not equal to your goal state. That's how I can define anything that I would name a problem is currently what I'm going through is not what I want it to be.
00:18:49
Speaker
Yeah, and so matching those two is problem solving and there are strategies for problem solving. Matching
Emotional Resilience at Work
00:18:57
Speaker
those two meaning... So your current state equals your goal state. ah Serenity. oh So you have to identify what it is that you're wanting, what that goal state state of being, right? That's interesting because that does take self-reflection. It does take worthiness because i I got to know that I'm worth the things that I want, meaning I want to be well or I i want to have a better relationship with money or I want to have a better relationship with ah another human being. And that goal is worthy of my pursuit, meaning I am a person who does and can and deserves
00:19:38
Speaker
because I want it, you know, and not from an entitled place, like I deserve it because I should have it, but I exist and I have things that I want and I'm in pain now and I don't i don't deserve to be in pain just permanently, you know? Yeah. And that that that part is where that representation comes in where you and you understand the problem. You have to understand the problem. You have to know where you're at in order to get somewhere else on a map. You can't give you a map and be like, okay, get here.
00:20:08
Speaker
but you don't know where you are. Don't understand the map. Or you don't know where you are on the map. Yeah. Like that's why it says you are here so that you can have some bearings to get to where you are from somewhere else. But if you look at a map and you're just like, get there. But where am I on the map?
00:20:23
Speaker
You have to understand the problem. You have to know what's going on. you know That's part of how you start to go into problem solving and and gather the pieces. Know the facts about it. You want to know all the information. You want the techniques, the skills, the methods that are required to get you to where you're going to go. I think about that with Brene Brown and like resilience or other kind of resilience work I've read, the ability to not react right away to a situation, but assess if you have all the information. The book I was reading was Dare to Lead and it was talking about workplace scenarios where one person will have a pretty calm reaction to news, for instance, of like, they're they're going to lay off this whole division.
00:21:10
Speaker
And someone who has this resiliency training can first, even though that may bring up emotions, that can bring up panic. You probably know more of the brain neuroscience of it, but when it first hits me and lame in terms of like your emotions can take over. Yeah. You reach your threshold of excitation.
00:21:30
Speaker
That negative 40 Hertz. But that, Dr. Thayer and Issa talk about that in episode two or in our re-release of episode two, we get a list of that. But yeah, so that emotional hit within that resiliency training, one of the tools is like, ask questions. Oh, where did you hear that? You know, the coworker comes in, everyone's getting laid off. Oh, where did you hear that? Oh, didn't you hear someone said they saw it in the email? Who who said they saw it in the email?
00:21:57
Speaker
Well, well, I don't know. I didn't really. Okay. Well, what what do you know? Well, it's probably true because the the other division got laid off. Well, but does that really mean that that is that, you know, and not challenging someone thinking that they're wrong. It could be true, but prior to having all the information, is it time to freak out yet?
00:22:17
Speaker
Yeah, because then from that point, your mind will go, could, could go, not everybody, could go a million miles an hour to what's going to happen, that the domino effect. If I get laid off here, then I have to do that, and then what am I going to do there? and then what do And then naturally, we're trying to solve these problems ahead of time.
Self-Awareness and Mindset
00:22:37
Speaker
but you might be using all this extra energy, not solving a problem that's actually there or real. Yeah, my husband, my husband don't say that to me like, how does he put it? you're um These aren't problems. These aren't problems. these are These are not problems because of the anxiety I have, right? Like that is anxious thought. It is this worry or fixation on a future that has not arrived yet.
00:23:03
Speaker
and Yeah, and neurotic. you know that's like neuro Neuroticism is characterized by that you know high worry, high anxiety, high stress tendency to let the mind take over and loop and cause internal chaos and constant um attention is given to things that aren't right in front of them. And and just in case you didn't know me, right in front of me. Well, I was gonna say like them, aka Isa. Hi, how do you met me? My name is Kiana. I'm a neurotic. And it's hard, you know, it's funny studying psychology where it's, I told you this, it's nearly impossible to not self analyze when you're a psychology student. I have this tendency to want to up appear
00:23:54
Speaker
put together or evolved or ah sophisticated or all these things and when it comes right down to it and you're really looking at the characteristics of this thing and being like, I do that, I do that, I do that, I am neurotic.
00:24:10
Speaker
or being in ACA and adult children of alcoholics and dysfunctional families, they have the laundry list. And it's this whole list of characteristics that you may experience if you were raised in an alcoholic or dysfunctional home. Some days they read that list and I'm like, yep, check, check, check, check, yes, yes, yes.
00:24:29
Speaker
I hate this, this is ridiculous. And it's funny though because it is, perception and mindset is so, so valuable in it because some days it is, it isn't true. Some days only a two of them stand out to me to say, oh yeah, that is, yeah, that, that resonates, you know, that is resonant in my life right now. And the other ones I'm like, no, I feel good on those. You know, I feel good about that. I don't feel like I do that. There's so much to that mindset component and cultivating mental conviction because That follow through and I thought about you know mark divine and his programs. He's a and Navy SEAL trainer who has a zen practice and I always resonate with him and his his he has a podcast and Has a program and went through a little bit of it. I really did like it as well Yeah, I really enjoy his approach to to that. The mindset part is so powerful when it comes to change because it's that personal accountability, that interpersonal accountability to yourself. And I shared a story with you recently about how I was having a hard time and doing some internal inner child work and just having realizations and
00:25:36
Speaker
therapy can be heavy and just doing the work and I hadn't been exercising in the morning and that's something that's really important to me and that makes me feel good and helps my self-confidence and helps me know I'm taking care of myself and I have community in it and it's just positive in my life and I acknowledge that and I hadn't been doing it and so I told myself that night ah when I realized I had been reading really hard on myself and really harsh to my inner child and really asking myself to perform at a level that was unfair to my inner child, to my like little self. I was expecting way too much out of myself and really being harsh about it. And so I was like, okay, I want to be nicer to me. You know, that's not okay. I'm sorry to me.
00:26:22
Speaker
And knowing that I wanted to work out in the morning, I was like, okay, I know that if I told a friend I would work out with them at six in the morning tomorrow, I would fucking get up and go. So you know what? I am my friend and I'm going to tell myself I'm going to get up and work out with you tomorrow morning.
00:26:40
Speaker
And my alarm went off at 5.30 and I was like, oh, I told my friend I would. Okay, here we go. And I got up and I went and worked out. It worked, you know? That commitment to self, that conviction, like when you make your mind up that you're gonna do something and there's no shifting it. Like I say, the second you start second guessing or what is it, um contemplating with yourself it back and forth in your own mind, you lost it.
00:27:06
Speaker
Like, maybe I will, maybe I won't. It's gone. Like, that conviction is so powerful. That really blew me away. The moment you start to have the conversation, the negotiation, internal dialogue about it, you've already lost. It was so enlightening because I thought I could win that. You know, sometimes I win it, sometimes I don't. But when you said that, oh, that means prior to that moment was where the work would have needed to go so that I don't have the feelings that I can negotiate. Not can in a domineering, authoritative way, but in the way that that conversation with myself doesn't come up because it's already been decided. We've decided together, myself and myself, that we're going to do this. So there's not that internal dialogue, me listening, me hearing, going back and forth because we're on the same
Aligning Personal Values with Actions
00:27:53
Speaker
page, right? We figured out this is what we want to do. This is what we want to do. And that's where I struggle a lot of times. I don't know if you have any
00:28:01
Speaker
honestly like any advice on this because I know that there are things that I want. It's very clear to me I want to do mobility work. I want to eat in a certain way. I want to have relationships that look a certain way or I want to get some tasks done. I want to do those but The want alone isn't strong enough. Yeah, I think that's where the why work comes in. Why do you want to do those things? It's like with any any goal, you you want to know your why. Why do you want that goal? why Why do you want to do mobility work? Why is that important to you? And you keep drilling down until you get to the true essence of why the fuck you actually want to do that. And if it is meaningful or it isn't. Right. Because you can get to the bottom and be like, oh, I just wanted attention and I actually just want to be loved. like
00:28:53
Speaker
Fuck okay. Well and mobility work isn't gonna give me love and yeah attention yeah like Sometimes you get to the bottom of it and if you're willing to go deep enough if you come to a realization that well that's actually a need that's not being met and I'm trying to reach it in this way and maybe maybe it can be reached there and maybe it can't maybe maybe it needs something Different maybe that's not the problem-solving area that's actually gonna solve the problem Right. But then sometimes it it gets you to the place where you go, well, because I want to feel good in my body. Sometimes you anchor it to something in the future, which can be really powerful. Like I want to be a healthy grandparent. I want to be around longer. I want to be an influence to my nieces. I want to have healthy habits. What I hear you doing is tying it to values.
00:29:42
Speaker
Right? That was a really, I don't know if I've mentioned on the podcast before, but it's worth re-mentioning. When I started doing values work with something that really opened up a lot for me in the form of who I really am, what really was driving me, meaning what is really actually at the core of not just what I want, but who I am.
00:30:06
Speaker
the distinction of I'm acting out my values, whether I realize what they are or not. and here If I didn't do the work of taking a sheet of paper with a big list of values and circling the ones just today even, that meant something to me.
00:30:21
Speaker
and then writing out what it is that that looks like to have a value of freedom. It gave me a lot of insight into why I get so triggered when I'm not feeling free. It gave me a lot of insight into what does freedom really actually look like and mean.
00:30:38
Speaker
how much lack of it do I actually have and what would I need to do to close the gap if that really is important to me? If love is really important to me, how am I showing up and loving myself? And what would that look like? Flushing out not just the word, but why it's important to me. he And then having those not in a rigid way, but having those values. I think I did like top two and then had a few other ones. And I'll say it in transparency, I took this from the US military. That's where I got inspired to do it. I got a role as a an army drill instructor.
00:31:19
Speaker
And in order to do that, I did a lot of research about the army and I looked at their core values and I looked at how it was presented. And they had the core values, their five things. And then they had... Do you remember what they were? Oh, I could pull it up, but I don't. Where's Jamie? Yeah. Once again, would anyone like to be our Jamie? All call for Jamie.
00:31:41
Speaker
What is that? No, not a will call. Open call. Open call. Open casting. We're having an open casting. A Jamie version. Your name does or does not have to be Jamie, but the real full effect pod would like to cast you in this role. Also, and we'd like to donate to help cover the cost of Jamie. There's a link in our bio. Shameless plug. Iso that was supposed to go in the break. Do we need to take a break now? No, no, no.
00:32:10
Speaker
and I do not remember the values, but they had very clear statements about what it meant to live that value as an army person. I got a shout out Rio Anderson for this because when I started doing values work, or the first time I ever really did values work was through a open community forum that he led on community values and based on and of our independent values and he led us through a whole seminar work and we got to come up with some core values for our community that was really amazing up in Southern Humboldt. It was really empowering and gave me a lot of clarity on on my own values and what I want
00:32:53
Speaker
in my small community and actually what I want to see in the world is based off of my value system. So that was really helpful. So thank you,
Identity Shaped by Values
00:33:02
Speaker
Rio. Yeah, for sure. And I was so grateful to be a part of that day as well as a facilitator because we had to do learning.
00:33:10
Speaker
about how to facilitate that work and then watching the way that people interacted and participated as community members and just the whole process and system and someone else was there that day actually leading that facilitation and I should look it up and put it in the show notes because he was great. Because I thought it was so impactful I took pictures of all of the notes because the next stage of that was to go create a And which is which is also a part of what the US government military, I mean, US military does really well, is they then take those values, they write out what each of them look like so that you can act like that. And then they have their bylaws or what, that's not the right word, but the their code of ethics. They're like, this is what it means to be in the army. This is what it means to be in the Marine Corps. If you don't do this, you're not you're not living.
00:34:02
Speaker
this job our value system this way and that's I think the difference where i I noticed and I went to the Marine Corps too and looked at theirs because my husband's was a Marine Corps officer and I was learned a lot about him because it's true you look at the way they lead their lives their way of being is not just influenced by these words it's integrated in to who they are identity and it it's integrated into their identity and it is I don't want to say it's easier for them to live, but man, it's a lot clearer. They don't have to make so many decisions. They don't have to negotiate as much, depending. you know not ever Someone could go through that and totally reject it. I'm just saying, I think once a Marine always a Marine, you don't really take it out of them because there is those core values that are inside them. Maybe it's not the values of the military that you align with, but if you can find your own value system and then use that as a beacon to live your life off and model your being after, that sounds dope. I want to do that. We should do this. We should do this. Why are we not doing this?
00:35:17
Speaker
and I mean, I have, I was gonna say too, I kept my paperwork from that event, from the values event, because it was meaningful to me and I found out a lot about myself. I value humor so much. I value these things that I didn't really think about before. So um knowing that and just maybe even just setting it as a background on my phone or something to be able to tune back into and really just start to try and a lot make sure things are aligned, make sure my choices are aligned or my actions are aligned with my own independent values. Yeah, because there are guideposts truly to ah a wayfinding of yourself when we talked about the map. like
00:35:53
Speaker
where you are, who you are, where you are, because that's a that's a ah ah big dictator of where you're going to want to go. Like, you know, when we set up talked about goal setting, well, what do I value? I heard this too, talking about paul political disagreements, and I thought it was really really valuable. It was like they did a study and and what came out of it was it's really easy to look at the other side and think, oh, they hate me, one. And two, they're dumb. They don't care, rather, to dismiss. And both sides can feel this way. And they saw that what's really actually happening, it's that there's two different value systems
00:36:34
Speaker
interacting and to not go too far into politics, because it's not really my jam in terms of this podcast, but just to state that when there's an issue, it's easy to look across the aisle and and say, I care so much about this. How can you not care about this in the way that I care about it? But really the other side is just caring about it in a different way. And it's based on their values. So we aren't at odds, we just have different values. And to respect someone's values, you don't someone's values are their values. They're not wrong. and You know, if people value hurting other people, then that's a problem. If someone's that's like ideology, like psychopathy, usually there's like something else going on or a cult that has gotten them really far off. But for the most part, inside of not being a extreme, we just might be sharing different values and looking at
00:37:26
Speaker
the same problem very differently. It doesn't mean we don't care. We just care about different things. I just imagine like, okay, yes. So then if you are just your values and like what you eat and what you consume, right? And the people that you hang out with, if you're just a meme of those things, I just imagine looking around and trying to picture what people would look like if they were just the representation of the bare bones of that.
00:37:49
Speaker
It's an interesting thought experience. Like just like one little asparagus walking by with like a big chest or something. ah It is fascinating when you do values work with a group though because you see the spectrum of how some people value things I do not value.
00:38:10
Speaker
Right. Yeah. Some people value money, you know, some people value fame, some people value. Knowledge. Yeah. Intellect. Yeah. And it's just you are kind of walking around interacting with other people's values all the time and your own, whether you realize it or not. Yeah. Yeah. I think that's very true. The identity part too, like they are, their identity is built off of your values. And like you're saying your, your values are running rather your,
00:38:39
Speaker
aware or not. Thanks for listening to another episode of The Ripple Affect. We're looking forward to exploring a different facet of change with you next Tuesday. Same time, same place, next week.
00:38:59
Speaker
A special thank you, love and credit to the magnificent Mia Casasanta for this beautiful music you're listening to right now.