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Christmas Special 2023 - Ep. 2 Die Hardish
84 Plays1 year ago
Episode 2 of 3 of our Christmas Special. Big Willie is down, Hans Uber is threatening all of Christmas, its all kicking off.
Follow us on our Twitters - @FellowshipTable
Intro written and produced by Joseph McDade
Music kindly provided by Fesliyan Studios
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Transcript
Introduction and Excitement about the Episode
00:00:00
Speaker
I saw the most beautiful vision in the world. Uh, tiddies for days. Merry Christmas.
Setting the Scene: A Live Play 5e in Gumpleton
00:00:45
Speaker
Ho ho ho, hello everyone and welcome to tonight's episode of the Fellowship of the Tabletop. We are a live play 5e podcast set in the magical homebrewed world of Gumpleton.
Quest Begins: Fiendish Christmas Presents and Big Willy's Dilemma
00:00:55
Speaker
This is holiday chaos at Hag Hill. The race to find the traces of the fiendish multiversal traces of Hanzuba in the form of devilish Christmas presents is on, but Big Willy is down! With me tonight we have, we don't know for how long, playing the gnome druid paladin thingy Big Willy,
00:01:05
Speaker
Ha ha ha ha ha!
00:01:12
Speaker
Ian. I forgot it was a paladin as well. Hello! Playing the fairy barbarian fimble, we have James. Does that mean you've got healing spells and also hello? Playing the tortle druid Noodle, we have other Will. This can get so many views. Playing the halfling artificer Balthazar, we have Callum. It's beginning to look a lot like a fuckup.
00:01:39
Speaker
And playing the High Elf with it, Maurice, we have Will. Hello.
00:01:46
Speaker
So, in order to figure out what happened last time, I had to make a Christmas wish for myself.
Epic Voiceover Guy's Christmas Miracle Return
00:01:52
Speaker
Now, if you recall, at the end of the Shadow Men tales, we lost someone. Or it may have actually been in the early episodes of Campaign 2, I can't remember. But if you recall, we lost Epic Voiceover Guy, and I went to my Christmas tree during the break to see if there was a present for me, and there was a Christmas card. And the Christmas card said, Darren, your Christmas wish is true. The Epic Voiceover Guy is back.
00:02:15
Speaker
Previously on the Fellowship of the Tabletop Christmas Special. Yes, I'm back, folks. Your favorite voiceover guy. They didn't want me back for season two of the other series, but that's fine. They get me in for the specials, like David Tennant from Doctor Who. Yeah, fuck all girls! Previously on this quite sexual episode, we had our characters wake up in the living room of Hag Hill. There...
00:02:43
Speaker
A little old lady and Santa awaited them. The characters woke up the original Heroes of Christmas thimble, some nudes guy and Balthazar waking up and realizing, oh shit, it's all happening again.
Searching for Presents and Thwarting Hans Uber
00:03:00
Speaker
The pitter-patter of feet upstairs to reveal the rather suave Maurice Dancerre. And then, as always locked in a small cupboard, there was Big Willy.
00:03:13
Speaker
And so our characters are told to search the house, to stop the plans of Hans Uber, to find five presents. They got one, they went into a library and found the second, tried to heal Big Willy, and it all went wrong. So now, adventurers, it's time to jingle all the way and see what happens this week. Okay. Yes, and epic voiceover, inspiring Lee. And yes, you can have some inspiration for that.
00:03:42
Speaker
Epic voiceover guy, Will. That inspiring rendition has just informed us. Big Willy has just gone face-first into the ground as this attempt from Fimbul to cure him has gone spectacularly wrong. What do you want to do? I go over to stabilize him with medicine. Okay, first things first. I'm going to say give Maurice the quickest of the draw. Maurice, you run over. Can you make an attempt to stabilize Big Willy, please? A medicine check.
00:04:12
Speaker
It's an 18, he's stable. Okay, yep. So before we even get to a death saving throw, you've managed to successfully stabilise Big Willy.
Teamwork Triumphs: Big Willy Healed
00:04:20
Speaker
What are the rest of you doing? He's going to say a Balthasar from the corner. So Noodle's filming still and kind of just waiting as Willy's face planted the floor and there's that kind of like big smile on their face.
00:04:38
Speaker
and then it kind of fades a little bit relatively quickly after Big Willy doesn't get up again, straight afterwards, and Nudes' hands start trembling a bit, and they stop the recording, and they kind of mutter under their breath. No, not my friend. And I'm gonna cast Healing Word as a bonus action. I had it snuck away there, just as the first level.
00:05:06
Speaker
Just for the audience out there, Will has been dealing with an almighty mother of a cold this week. So, Will, how much did it hurt to just bring that voice back for that one moment? It wasn't quite, sorry, I've got a cough almost. It wasn't quite there. But yeah, there's probably not much more of that coming back, that's for sure. Beautiful.
00:05:28
Speaker
You can't see it, audience, but we are silently applauding him right now. That really hit the spot right there. In my mind, the music from the end of Home Alone 1 is playing. While this magic happens, you've got Maurice there giving CPR, giving mouth-to-mouth to Big Willie.
00:05:46
Speaker
Can you roll, as Boris does questionable things to the unconscious body of Big Willy, can you please roll the healing word? Yeah, I have done. It's seven points of healing. Welcome back, Big Willy. Holy shit! Fuck! Don't ever try and heal me again!
00:06:15
Speaker
There is one more charge in the book. I think you'd have experience of these things. It turns out that when you read a lot of adventures, books are really dangerous. How much did I heal by? Seven. I believe that's what Noodle said. Seven points of healing. Seven, that's right. So I lost one. Do you feel like we need to take a small short rest to fix you up a bit more? Nah, fuck that. Last time I tried to do anything, I died.
00:06:43
Speaker
Thanks for bringing me back whoever did it. It was Nudes over there. What? No. Nudes! I knew you'd love me! He's kind of looking round awkwardly. He got all teary-eyed and fixed you. What's your passive perception, bitch? I said it quietly. 13, I'll happily roll. So is this the book or not?
00:07:17
Speaker
Probably. Thanks, nerds. We think so. No one else said anything, so yeah, probably. It was gift wrap. Whatever. Of course it's gonna be a present. Right, so what do we do with it? We say, come on, Hans. We don't heal anybody. Hang on to it, find the rest. I'm gonna take this motherfucker book. Two down, three to go. Don't worry about it, he can't read.
00:07:44
Speaker
And as you say that, clock, clock, bong, this grandfather clock in the back of the room just bongs ten times. It is 10pm. You have two hours to save Christmas. Shit, we can't take a long rest. We've got a little half our time. Fuck it. Who needs HP? Well, I did happen to notice over there, there's a doorway leading to a swimming pool. Shall we go have a look? Oh, why
Unlocking Mysteries: Cold Magical Atmosphere
00:08:10
Speaker
not? It was told we were out of bounds, but what the fuck?
00:08:14
Speaker
Yes, we're all feeling a little dangerous tonight, aren't we? I thought that was a selling point of this place. And you're saying it's fucking not full. Yeah, and as you take it to step round, you step in dog shit. I mean, I mean... No, and Fimbul, you've said you've drifted over towards the door by the sounds of it. What do you want to do? Fimbul will attempt to open the door. It's locked.
00:08:44
Speaker
No, this is no good. The door's locked. Okay, why are we trying another room? We tried hard. Don't worry, I can fix that. Step back, Thimble. She floats back. I cast Firebolt on the door. Fuck! Okay, yeah, I mean, roll to hit, it's a door, it's not got a particularly high AC. Okay, 22, and then that does...
00:09:13
Speaker
Two points of fire damage to the door. Okay, you hit pretty true across the lock as the door momentarily catches fire and then what you do notice is that something seems to extinguish the fire and you, Fimble, who's got closest to this, it's
00:09:33
Speaker
really cold on the other side of that door. You can all now see as well, as the smoke dissipates from the firebolt, that coming through the bottom of the door is almost like this dry ice effect. There's something quite cold on the other side of that door. Well, goodness me, there appears to be something more afoot here, something magical behind this door. Well, it looked like this room's not available until the boss fights, so maybe we should find the other items.
00:10:01
Speaker
That's what I said. We tried, we move on. Very well. Where's the nearest place we can head to next? Just to clarify, I'm not railroading you. I've just literally told you what's on the other side. We were using the gaming thing and deciding that clearly the boss fight was going to be in there, therefore we couldn't go there yet. I mean, it's a thick oak door and Firebolt isn't particularly... I can keep firing it until I break the door down.
00:10:28
Speaker
So I'm gonna go charge and send in the Steel defender to ram the door with its crooked antlers and fly killing and nodes of a Bulb, okay, well to hit That is actually a 21 to hit but yes, that's the door you hit roll damage This the taste of disdain
00:10:57
Speaker
Who needs thieves tools when he can just bash doors down? Yeah, yeah, just bash shitted. That is five points of technical classless force damage. There's now a reindeer-sized dent in the door. It still stands.
00:11:15
Speaker
Now, not to put too fine a point on it, but you do actually have thieves tools, you know. Or at least you've got a... Who made that fucking door? That's what I want to know. That is a fucking well-made crafted door. I have to proficiency. I don't have the actual tools. It's like thick oak. It's almost like an exterior door. This is a well... As Big Willy has said, this is a finely crafted door. I'm going to go over to it.
00:11:40
Speaker
I'm going to crack my hands out in front of me. All my knuckles go pop, pop, pop, clack, clack, clack, clack. And then I'm going to put both hands on the door and I'm going to push. Okay. Yep. Make a strength check. Give me athletics. No, no. I try to find the spell that I want to use. Okay.
00:12:07
Speaker
But it's taken me an embarrassingly long time to navigate D&D beyond. What, through the two different classes that don't work together? I thought I had a spell, but it turns out I don't. Yeah. Okay. Well, if you are trying to push, we're back into the realms of athletics. No, it's still just I'm not pushing. I've put my hands against the door. My mind is working through the shit that I can do. That's it. I found it. I want to do. Define sense on the motherfucker.
00:12:37
Speaker
Yep. What do I get? What do you get for divine sense? You can, as an action, detect good and evil until the end of your next turn you can sense anything affected by the hallow spell or know the location of any celestial fiend undead within
Humorous Hunt for Magical Presents
00:12:53
Speaker
60 feet. That is not behind total cover. Probably this door acts as total cover. But what the others will see is blue light glowing from my hands. And there you go. That's what I've cast.
00:13:06
Speaker
Okay and it's anything, what's the range? It's the door, act as total cover. It does, it does, it does. But listen, listen, you've asked the question about a certain range so you're not getting anything behind the door. I got 60 feet. You may get something else.
00:13:23
Speaker
60 feet yeah because it's an open stairwell at the top of something comes from the top of the stairs so you put your hands on the door and expecting to get behind the door but it is total cover so you don't know what's happening behind there but there is something coming from up the stairs okay as this dramatic blue light starts to fade away from the frostbitten hands that is Big Willy and he turns to you all with a look of knowledge and power in his green eyes okay
00:13:55
Speaker
Follow me! And he just runs out. And he's going to go towards the sense of the ping. Fimble will follow quickly. Pretty excited by how excited he is. Brilliant. Terrific. As you both start to sprint up the stairs, you do notice something swings down towards you. It could be something akin to a paint can. Could you both? Could you both make dexterity saving, firstly? It's a fimble and big way. I love this. Just like, fuck! 13.
00:14:25
Speaker
That's enough. Actually, you're too small. This paint can comes flying in and just goes straight over your head and it's going now straight towards the person behind you, which is Fimble. I also rolled a 13. Also enough, you're able to dodge to the side as this paint can is now just swinging loose on the stairwell. What a strange place to keep a paint can. Yeah, I really hope Mel is not trying to make money from this place.
00:14:55
Speaker
I'll carry on up the stairs. Yep, right behind. Okay, yep. As you continue... Where are the other fuckers? As you all hear the voice just down the stairs. Yep, who's following? Yeah, I'll follow. Balthazar, I'll follow. I'd like to imagine that Balthazar was just going to keep having the steel defense and knock the door one out.
00:15:16
Speaker
And Balthazar, as you make your way up the stairs, all of a sudden, big William Fimbul, you're at the top now, but it's coming from a stairwell above. This stairwell seems to go up another floor. Another paint can swings down. Balthazar makes a dexterity saving throw. Fourteen. Yep, again, you see it coming and they're able to dodge it, and this then just seems to swing there. Maurice is going to have watched this happen.
00:15:46
Speaker
I'd like to use acrobatics to, like, ninja-ly, like, dodge up the stairs. Yeah, okay. Fuck's he doing? I just walk. You do that, and as you arrive at the top, there's almost this kind of anti-climactic swing as you realise, I'm not gonna make you roll for it just for expediency, because nothing is coming. So you're able to acrobatically make your way up the stairs, and then as you reach the top of the landing, it's like you're expecting something, and... No, you can just see the two paint cans. Oh.
00:16:16
Speaker
I've had nights end like this. That's fucking weird. No finish. That's weird. Again with the hanging paint cans. Has this person never heard of a cupboard? Let's fucking go! And are you still charging towards where this this this pin came from? Yep, yep. Straight in like there's a blip on my mini radar in the bottom left of the screen and I am driving hard towards it. Okay. And Bimbo will be directly behind.
00:16:44
Speaker
Yeah. Remind me, it's celestial or celestial, isn't it? You can definitely paint, you get the sense of. Asking me to find it again. It is celestial, undead and fiend within 60 feet. That is not behind total cover. OK, Brill. Terrific. Fucking shake your head at me, Will. I'm playing the character. Just the character.
00:17:14
Speaker
Don't you just find my page? Okay, you make your way down the hallway, just bigly frantically sprinting towards where this ping is coming from. There
Stocking Surprises and Laughter
00:17:25
Speaker
are two doors on the right-hand side. You go straight past the first one and to the one at the very end of the landing on the right. You burst into a room and you look around for this ping.
00:17:38
Speaker
What you see, there are a series of bunk beds in this room, and there seems to be a Christmas stocking that hands on each. On the lowest bunk bed is a stocking that reads Fimbul. On the next bump up, there's one that reads Noodle. On the one above that, there is one that reads Balthazar. And then directly opposite these bunk beds, there is a giant king-sized bed that has a stocking on it with the name Big Willy. It turns out we're expected.
00:18:04
Speaker
As you say that, all of a sudden on one of the dresser tables, all of a sudden you hear what sounds like the creak of a mechanical dancing dresser instrument start to play and you can see a little Fambulina just starting to dance around.
00:18:21
Speaker
as these orbs just start to rotate and glow. They play a series of Christmas music, and you can see there is what appears to be a form of wrapping around the bonnet of this Fambulina dancer. There seems to be a tag hanging from it. What do you want to do? I should also add, this is where the ping is coming from. It's coming from whatever this is on the dresser table.
00:18:50
Speaker
Maurice, you're a fucking dancer thing. This might interest you. I died touching the last piece of shit. You can die this time. Oh, okay. I'm willing to twitch a ball every now and then. Okay, fine. Maurice, as you step forward, you can see hanging around this, this fimbulina, there is a, what appears to be a gorgeous necklace. You say that this is a pink. Do I know if it's a celestial undead or fiend?
00:19:19
Speaker
I haven't played Paladin in a long time. I think I have to tell you which. I would say yes, because it's written in the D&D handbook. Yeah, it's something celestial. Something fairy-like is fucking in that thing. Celestial, you would call. Okay, and I will go over and... It's a present, isn't it? Yeah.
00:19:44
Speaker
Yes, yes. As you go over, you can see there's a tag hanging from it. You can see, written on it, there seems to be some words in common tongue that don't seem to mean too much to you. It says, to continue your emotional education. Who has something about emotions written on? Does that mean anything to you, Big Willy? No. But noobs might know. She's very emo.
00:20:15
Speaker
Nudes is looking at the bunk beds going, they didn't even get my proper nouns right. Fuck them. Let's cancel their bitch asses. I'm going to open the present. Okay. As you do that, your hand, you reach out and as you open the present, sure enough, the necklace in your hand that seems to be hung around this present, as you grab that, you seem to, a vision flashes before your eyes. You
Maurice's Vision: Celestial Succubus Encounter
00:20:43
Speaker
see a succubus.
00:20:45
Speaker
A celestial succubus. Really pretty. Our succubus is fiends. Sorry? Our succubus is fiends. They are, traditionally, this one is a celestial. Sorry? Every now and then in your life, Will, you might meet a celestial, like, succubus. This one's alluringly pretty. Almost corrupting. Hello. It stands in front of you, seeming to be wearing the necklace.
00:21:11
Speaker
You have all manner of expectation and as whatever is clearly going from Maurice's mind it is what you are seeing and then suddenly you snap out of this trance and the necklace is gone. You're left with the crushing disappointment of the music and it's music that you know it feels like it's a Christmas song it's something that you're used to listening to this time of year that you've heard over and over and it just
00:21:36
Speaker
It seems to make you sad and you feel this disappointment as this alluring figure has just vanished. And you're left only clasping this present. Can you make a wisdom saving throw for me, Maurice? Yes, I can. Just want to say, at the end of episode 1, Darren, our Christmas DM, had one of two choices.
00:21:56
Speaker
carry on with the sexual innuendos or leave them behind. I love that you've leaned into it hard. It's kind of like I can either just embrace it or I can continue to swim against the time. Brilliant. That's a crit for a 23-0. Oh, snap. Okay. Suck your bust. Yep, you feel fine. You feel fine. I mean, I mean, he's got a raging clue in his trousers, but yeah. A moment of sadness as the anticipation... You've got the sick more he's covered yourself.
00:22:26
Speaker
The anticipation fades, you actually did feel like a little moment of profound sadness as that happens, but yeah, you were able to shake it relatively quickly. Well, that's one for the wankback later. What the fuck happened to you?
00:22:38
Speaker
Maurice, your face, it went from like one moment, severe pain, heartbreak, and sadness, to which I've never seen the darkest depths materialize on someone's face to the same level, and then the next moment, orgasm. What the fuck happened? I saw the most beautiful vision in the world. To these for days. Merry Christmas.
00:23:07
Speaker
And I miss all of that. You do have class in your hand, the Artificis Trinkets that you're playing now. You do have a third present, two to find. Okay. I'm sorry. We have another one! What a sick mori, he's covered your trousers! What's the best thing about Will breaking? Is he broke himself with titties for days?
00:23:33
Speaker
He's gone. This is his gone. Red face everything. Broken. To the broken man. Maurice what the fuck. Snap out of it. Snap out of it. I love how Maurice. Maurice rolled a crit. I'm not letting this faze him. It's Will. It's Will that's gone to shit. He said you're on the floor. Get off.
00:24:00
Speaker
Get up, boys! Somebody helped us, poor fucker. Okay, well, we found... We found three of the artifacts. Only two more to go. Someone else needs to fucking do something.
00:24:19
Speaker
Okay, as Big Willy says that, can I get everyone's passive perception please? My passive perception is 13. Thank you. There are 12. 11. 14 for me. 14. Noodle, you hear, it sounds like coming back from down the hallway, there's some form of scratching coming from somewhere.
00:24:48
Speaker
Uh, Willy, did you have a friend, like, sealed away with you? No, nobody knew that I was there. I'm very good at stealth. I'm the master of smoke and mirrors. No one knew for 750 days I was there by myself. You keep having to look at a piece of paper to remember the numbers there out of your pocket. And I keep getting it wrong every time as well. I stow away for 836 days.
00:25:19
Speaker
No, I never know. I can like hear scratching or something. Now this way. And I'll lead the way.
00:25:28
Speaker
Okay, yep, and what you notice is if you look back down the corridor, you can see at the end of the landing, there was a Christmas tree that you didn't notice while storming up. It appears to have been decorated like the mountainside of Gumpleton, and you can see the mountainside express making its way up and around the Christmas tree towards the star at the top, which is the mountainside inn. You don't pay much attention to that though, because in the bedroom door, back down the corridor, it's now on your right-hand side, it would have been on the left-hand side originally,
00:25:58
Speaker
Yeah, this scratching is coming from within one of those bedrooms. Oh, yeah, a Christmas tree. Noodle will go straight in and be like, I'm getting so bored. Let's just save Christmas already.
00:26:12
Speaker
Okay, yeah, so as you enter this room, you realise as you look around, and immediately Maurice, you notice as you follow Noodle into the room, when you were magically summoned from wherever you were, you weren't sent to the living room, you were sent into this room. This
Wardrobe Mystery: Hairy Encounter Unfolds
00:26:30
Speaker
is the room that you were deposited into. It appears to be as you left it,
00:26:35
Speaker
There are remnants of your thing, some of your travelling gear, apparel that was brought over with you is here. There is a writer's desk and there is a wardrobe, noodle. The scratching is clearly now coming from inside the wardrobe. OK, Noodles will look down and go, some of your socks are frozen because look and pick one up. It's like completely rock hard and knock it against the bed.
00:27:02
Speaker
and throw it back down to the floor and then make their way over to the wardrobe. Where the fuck is this American pie? As you all enter the room, are you opening the door?
00:27:26
Speaker
Okay, yeah, as you open the door, the scratching seems to stop. Can I get an investigation check from you as you glance around at the contents of this wardrobe? Yeah, gladly. It's probably not going to be great, but no, it's a 10. Okay, yeah, you glance around and there seems to be a series of things in this wardrobe that blankets, clothing, it's a pretty standard wardrobe. You do happen to notice even with a 10,
00:27:56
Speaker
that there appears to be a Christmas box, maybe a present box, gift wrapped. Yeah, it's probably this and I'll turn around with it and kind of rip it open. Okay, as you rip it open,
00:28:13
Speaker
fuck you die immediately what happens is that this is this hairy like thing just jumps out of the box and and grapples you more importantly it grapples you on the face uh as you turn around uh but immediately you realize firstly noodle you can't breathe what the rest of you see
00:28:32
Speaker
is that there appears to be something hairy, almost like a wig, stuck on Noodle's face, attacking him. Can I ask everyone to roll initiative, please? Oh, shit. Fuck. Had a hairy bull sack on your face, Nudes. Sorry, those are my pubes. Oh, God. Dicks for days. Anyone get 20 plus? That's a no.
00:29:05
Speaker
Any one get 15 to 20? 19. 18. 10 to 15? 10. Also 10. Dexterity modifies? That's on me. I've got back to one. I have three. I only have one. And what did you get, Maurice? I got a nine.
00:29:34
Speaker
Okay, cool. Top of the round, Big Willy, as you've seen Noodle turn around, you would assume now, as you're the first one to take this in, that this hairy whatever you've just called, it isn't that at all. It appears to be the judge's wig that you were looking for. It's just grasped itself onto Noodle's face. Fuck. Okay, so.
00:30:02
Speaker
Willy's going to do what Willy does and run and jump and grab the wig. So what do you need for this? It's probably going to be an attempt to grapple, isn't it? Which is...
00:30:14
Speaker
Athletics against its acrobatics. Let's fucking go. How's the critical hit for 23? Okay. Yep. Um, so I'm going to run and like parkour, like fuck nerds and, uh, jump and hop and skip off different pieces of furniture on the room to get to the right height of news head and then crap onto the, uh, the judge's wig.
00:30:40
Speaker
Okay, the wig is still holding onto Noodle, you're now holding onto the wig, so now all of a sudden there are these two things planted onto Noodle's face. Is that an action, would you say? It's a grapple. It's a grapple, yes it is, yeah. Okay, that's all I can do.
00:31:02
Speaker
Brilliant. Thank you, big... Get the fuck off Nudes, you piece of shit! It's your turn. This is going to be really fucking stupid, because as a reaction, what I would do is my racial feature, which is shell defense. So I'm going to withdraw into my shell. Amazing. Amazing.
00:31:21
Speaker
Yeah, and what happens is that the head goes in and there's just not room for the wig or big or...
00:31:33
Speaker
Big Willie or the wig to fit. So Noodle goes in and what happens is kind of like a coyote, wily coyote, Big Willie's just left floating in the air for a second with this wig before just falling to the floor, still glassing this wig. Bang. You don't fall far enough to take any damage, but you are now holding on to this wig on the floor. Do you go prone, Noodle, when you go into your shell?
00:31:57
Speaker
I can only assume so. Yeah. The noodle also goes prone as everything drops to the floor. Okay, fine. Balthazar, it's your turn. The wig is still moving. You can see that it's now being grappled by Big Willy. Who's surprisingly hench in this moment. Muscle's fucking primed. Hold him still, Big Willy. Hold him still. And I'm just going to try and... Shoot it with the crossbow, basically. Oh, fuck.
00:32:27
Speaker
Okay, roll to hit. 15 to hit. That hits, yep. Surely, is the hair going to be able to hold the bolt, or is it just going to... We're going to find out. We're going to find out. It's a good question, Ben. We're going to find out. It's something that's not come across my mind, so it's not come across Balthazar's fine piercing damage.
00:32:48
Speaker
Five piercing damage. It's now pinned to the floor. It's still flailing and moving, but you have successfully used this crossbow bolt to restrain it. That's something that will happen with the temperament of this and the texture of this assailant is that it's now pinned to the floor. Big Willy's holding it. It's got a crossbow bolt through it. It is, Fimbul, your turn.
00:33:12
Speaker
I'm really not sure what I want to do here. This is not the most interesting way to start a comma I've ever seen. Oh, I'm sorry. It didn't work for you. Fucking hell. Just cut him out. That's an interesting way. Like that and you shit. Just stab him. Just kick him.
00:33:29
Speaker
So don't you usual creature give me some space as she withdraws one of the hand axes and she's just going to come with a big chop down onto the prone weak. Yeah, I'd like to think Noodle's head comes out just at this point and all of a sudden sees and goes straight back inside the shell as it sees the axe coming down. Yeah, does a 10 hit? No, not at all. Fuck! Completely misses. Can you roll a d4 for me please?
00:33:58
Speaker
Fucking kill me again
00:34:01
Speaker
I rolled a two. OK, that's fine. I had decided on odds you were going to either hit Balvisa or Big Willy on evens.
Battle with a Living Wig: Teamwork Resolution
00:34:09
Speaker
No, you just bring the axe down straight between them. For your comment, though, about my starter combat method, particularly in sprawling, it's about to get in sprawling for you because it is the wig's turn. And what happens is, is just ripping up bits of the hair, it turns, and almost as if it's like in another world, it's heard that meta comment.
00:34:28
Speaker
bypasses Big Willy, bypasses Bulbasaur and leaps towards you, Fimble. It's going to attempt to grapple you. Yeah, it succeeds. It's now on your face. The remnants of... Wigs gotta do it or wigs gotta do it. Does James Bond get to contest that? Oh, yes, you do. I did roll a 24. I also rolled a 24.
00:34:50
Speaker
What happens on the realms of the 24? The save beats. Okay, yeah, it goes to land on your face. Bits of its hair fall the way. It just hits and falls to the floor. It's going to use the rest of its movement to run. It's going to try and run past you. It will trigger. I feel like it's running like flubber.
00:35:13
Speaker
Yeah, it's going to trigger an attack of opportunity from you. However, if it leaves your your your circumference Well at this point Bimbo is not looking too happy this isn't very Christmasy as or and there is a look of pure Building rage I should say but I'm assuming I can't do a bonus action to start that so I will just try and attack it with the hand axe again. Yep Does an 18 hit it does roll damage
00:35:43
Speaker
It takes seven hit points of slashing damage. It is dead. This time the axe comes down and the wig just goes limp. You have four of the five presents.
00:35:56
Speaker
Hell yeah. I'd like to think for this whole fight, Maurice has just been sat leaning against the side of the doorframe, his arms folded, just watching. Yeah, sorry, Maurice. Yeah, because you were bottom of the initiative order, we just didn't get to you before the fimbals. They're currently going, hmm, definitely sorry about that. Then she pulls what appears to be like a small bottle of candy cane pop, like it cracks the top off, you hear the fizz of the pop, and she literally just downs the entire sugary drink all in, wackin' knew it, knew it, you were a crack addict.
00:36:28
Speaker
I fucking loved that battle. I thought it was amazing. Thanks. It was lovely to watch, I must say, almost artistic. You'll hear Noodle say you from within the shell. Is it gone? Yeah, Nudes, you're OK. And I'll withdraw from the shell and be like, ugh. Do you want to hug? Do you need to hug it out? No, I don't need to hug it out. It's fine. I didn't want to get it on camera. I think I kind of beat that thing up, didn't I?
00:36:57
Speaker
No. That would be sorry. If you glance at the wig after saying that, you can still see it's got the axe of thimble embedded in it's literally in its scalp. Right, who wants this one then? Not it. Well considering my axe is currently buried in it, I'll take it with me.
00:37:22
Speaker
as Fimbul lifts the axe up with the wig still embedded on it, I suppose. Yeah, so as the axe comes up and, well, there's bits, Balthazar's got bits of the wig mangled in the crossbow bolt, but the majority of it, yes, is on the bottom of your axe. There are bits of tusks of hair on the floor as well from the scrimmage. But yeah, the actual main body of the wig is with you, Fimbul.
00:37:49
Speaker
You do notice as you look at it, it has a tag on the inside and it says, chirping the Christmas turnip on it. Do you know what the last thing is? I believe the last item that we're looking for is a Christmas star.
00:38:15
Speaker
Noodle will kind of get the phone out and tap, tap, tap away. And I'm going to cast second level locate object. And that's exactly what I'm going to be asking for. That's amazing. Amazing. OK, yeah, that's absolutely fine. A ping coming from back downstairs in the kitchen. Yeah, it's downstairs in the kitchen. Let's go. Your destination is 23 feet away. Oh, shit. Willie, do you do the voice for these things?
00:38:45
Speaker
Where's the mute button? Nobody gets to mute Big Willie. Many try. Few succeed. Yeah, I'll once again lead the way using my phone to guide me. Okay.
00:38:58
Speaker
Yep. You make your way back downstairs. You come through the library and the, uh, I'd like to think that the reindeer is still there, just headbutting the store. All right, stop, stop. That's enough. That's enough. You put it away and it's like heads twisted slightly. Another reindeer antlers is kind of broken off and the nose is now smashed, but it's still just kind of trying to buzz away. Yeah. And, and, and, uh,
00:39:27
Speaker
You make your way back into the living room where you were with Santa and young Mel. Young Mel looks at you as you walk over. Have you felt them all yet? Four down, one to go. As you walk past young Mel, she looks up at you from her knitting and goes, have you managed to find everything? You're obviously going, I assume, going straight past her. Bitch, where your Christmas star at?
00:39:53
Speaker
I don't dare, you're supposed to be finding it. But as you can see, Noodle is just beeline straight through the living room and into the kitchen. It's okay, we're working on it.
00:40:04
Speaker
What you noticed as you went to the kitchen is that there was a well-stocked kitchen, that the smells of a Christmas dinner in preparation hits your nostrils. On the table is a feast clearly designed to feed you all, being prepped for the next day, the standout of which is a large, grand Christmas cake. On the far wall is a tall spit turning a glazed Christmas turkey.
Christmas Cake Surprise: A Star is Found
00:40:25
Speaker
Near the door you have just come through is another large bolted door which seems to lead outside with a frosted glass panel on it.
00:40:32
Speaker
sat beyond as the darkness of the night. At the far side they have a deep sink and what you can also see down the right hand side is a door that seems to lead off to some form of a pantry. How precise is locate object? Is it too directly where it is? Oh shit. It depends. Do you want the actual wording of the spell? Yeah, just tell me how precise I need to be in terms of
00:40:57
Speaker
Well, in this room, it's just do I need to tell you any more? If the object's not known to him, it literally, it tells him the location of the nearest object of that kind. Okay. Well, it is somewhere in this room. Do I have to tell you that location then, based on that? If it's not hid, if it's hid behind lead? Yeah, hidden behind lead, no. It's not hidden behind lead, yes. It's hidden behind layers of Christmas cake.
00:41:25
Speaker
OK, which I say immediately to the other group and basically, yeah, I'm like, I'm not getting this one. No, you can have it. It's going to hug your face. Who hasn't got one yet? I've got mine. I've got mine. I was just going to grab a big spoon and almost in like remnants of Matilda when Bruce is trying to eat the big chocolate cake, gorging down on Christmas cake.
00:41:54
Speaker
I'm going to be eating all of this cake. As you do that then, you break into the cake and it's clearly quite moist. Yeah. There you go. This cake, yeah, you're clearly able to go for it as a velvet interior to the inside of this cake. It seems to be wet in the middle. Some form of a Victoria sponge. Shut up, Ian.
00:42:18
Speaker
You do notice as you look at the cake, this is something else that's commemorating a Christmas past. You can see on top of it clearly the mountainside inn and you can see the fight that you had with the trolls. You can see the brown one is currently accosted by your self-belvisate and prancer.
00:42:36
Speaker
Don't know if it makes you sad that Prancer is here or glad, but you are temporarily reminded of Prancer. You can see the blue troll has this very, very frantic forest gnome attached to its face and appears to be turning to ice. As you cut through the cake, can I ask you to make a dexterity saving throw if something comes flying out of the cake? I got a wonderful natural wand.
00:43:06
Speaker
Okay, yep. You're dead. You take four points of piercing damage and three points of necrotic damage. Lovely. As this Christmas star stabs into your clavicle. Ah, what the hell? Told you. Yeah, she caught it. I wanted cake.
00:43:35
Speaker
At least it didn't end up in your face. Well, that's all five. I'm going to try and reach the star in and yank it out of my chest as well. OK, yeah. And as you do that, you can see there's some writing on it. It clearly says that the sheriff of Christmas is what's embedded on this star. It seems to have crossed out some writing that you can't just make out. Do you want to make an investigation role to see just how much you can make out?
00:44:01
Speaker
I can, but my investigation is short. 16. It's pretty good. There appears to be a couple of Ns in this. It seems to be saying something about knots, something about a Christmas ham, maybe. You can't fully make out what the star used to say, but there's something about knots, something about ham in there, something that's a sheriff of something before it was Christmas.
00:44:32
Speaker
It's gonna kind of look at it fucking nonsense Well, I've got mine now now what Mel we found all four Maurice will shout through the living room. You don't hear anything back She's fucking dead
00:44:55
Speaker
Maurice is going to go and wander to the living room to try and find her. Died of old age. Okay, yeah, as you go back into the living room, you can see that young Mel is gone. She's no longer sat where she was. But what you do notice, Maurice, is that coming back from the door that leads back into the library is now this overwhelming wave of cold coming through. Oh, well chaps, I think the boss fight door is finally open. Now we've got all five items.
00:45:24
Speaker
Were you talking about that swimming pool? It does seem to be ice coming from it, so yes. Let's go. Wait a minute, though. We have four items. I thought there was five. We've got five. We've got five. Oh, who's got the snow globe? Oh, right. I forgot about that. That generally didn't forget about. I'm still holding it for when it struck me in the face with fireworks. Just like rummaging through my pockets. Oh, yeah.
00:45:54
Speaker
I've got two. Who hasn't got one? Does anybody not have one? I don't have one in my hands because one tried to actually suffocate me. Snow globe or star? Yeah, Balthazar was gesturing to noobs showing him.
00:46:16
Speaker
Both hands are out towards nudes, with a star and a globe. You're giving nudes. I'll take the one without blood on it, and I'll take the snow globe. OK, that one's got my hair on it. There you go. Thanks. Well then, perhaps with these, we should be able to enter the swimming pool. Well, I think the door's already open, Chaps, but OK.
00:46:44
Speaker
Maurice is a cocky fuck. I like him. Oh, I try. I try. Let's go. Pip pip, tutu. And as you make your way back through the living room...
00:46:57
Speaker
Yeah, you all feel this wave of cold. And as you make your way through the living room, you can see the cold has extinguished the fire. This room is now particularly cold. As you make your way back into the library, it's even more colder. The door that you tried to open is completely wide open now. And you can feel this wave of cold coming off it. I did that.
00:47:22
Speaker
Fuck you, that was the reindeer. Not the magic that I used. Open the door, it just takes a while. The reindeer's head is still indented in the damn thing. Yes, you closed it more. No, broke it open. Fuck you, Big Willy. No, you don't fuck Big Willy. Big Willy, fuck you. Big Willy is not fucking me. Shall we carry on? Yes, that's quiet. Okay.
00:47:51
Speaker
As you
Frozen Pool Confrontation and Ominous Voice
00:47:52
Speaker
went to the swimming pool, you noticed that the pool is completely frozen. The room is about 20 feet deep and no more than 15 feet wide. Obviously, you can walk straight over the pool should you wish you'll need to in whatever is to come. The sense of dry ice is just kicking out and just bellowing low-level smoke all across this floor.
00:48:18
Speaker
You hear a voice speak to you, a voice that for some of you is quite similar or quite familiar rather. You thought you could stop me when you pushed me off that.
00:48:32
Speaker
That's God-forsaken mountainside top. I am here to take my revenge. Yes, it is I, Hans, Uber. You have dong, dong, and the clock goes. I do have times. You have a dong. The clock burrows 11 times. And you have one hour.
00:49:02
Speaker
No! You have dong! You have one hour. You changed! Death changed you! You still can't see, Han. I have dong! You can hear him. The clock strikes 11. Suddenly, an exterior door at the far end of the room opens and these two monstrous hellhounds come bounding into the room. Fuck.
Hellhounds Enter: Intensifying the Challenge
00:49:26
Speaker
I'm gonna need everyone to roll initiative. Fuck!
00:49:33
Speaker
Be mindful of your dongs, everyone! Five. Okay, twenty plus. Five. That's not twenty plus, is it, Big Willy? No one for twenty plus. Fifteen to twenty. Fifteen. Five. Shut up, Big Willy. Ten to fifteen. Eleven.
00:50:01
Speaker
Who said 11? Balthazar with 11. Five. Five to ten. Thimble with the seven. It's then going to be, I get the impression that Big Willie may have rolled a five. What did you get Noodles? Nood's got a natty one.
00:50:29
Speaker
The big dong just got you nudes. I was unprepared. One does not expect big dong. Surprise dong. Surprise dong is the worst. Okay. Hans Uber kicking the door down with a surprise dong. Okay. Dong. Top of the round. It is.
00:50:53
Speaker
Maurice, you've just seen this door open. There's no sign of Hans. You've heard his voice. But what you can see are these monstrous deaf dogs that have just just followed into this room and they've noticed you and are snarling. They have two heads. They appear to be quite old and decrepit.
00:51:10
Speaker
But what you actually notice about this is that dripping from the mouth appears to be something that's landing on the frozen pool and it's just a cynically bubbling away at that little bit where it falls. What do you want to do? Okay, is there a way to reach the hellhounds without crossing the pool? Yes, you can skittle around the outside and that would take up 25 feet of you. I assume you have 30 feet of movement.
00:51:37
Speaker
Yeah, so what you're going to see is Maurice's... You can go left or right and obviously if you go right you'll get to the one on the right, if you go left you'll get to the one on the left. Maurice is going to roll his shoulders and all of a sudden like limber up and his cane comes up and he grabs hold of the shaft of his cane. Yeah.
00:51:55
Speaker
and pulls it and revealed within the cane is now this rapier. Oh my God. Obviously, he's got this rapier within the cane and he's going to start spinning it around him. It's got little holes in it and as he spins it around him, all of a sudden you hear this haunting music of the ancient guardian of Christmas and you hear Mariah Carey's voice start singing.
Musical Battle: Maurice's Whimsical Rapier Fight
00:52:23
Speaker
as I activate my blade song. She's transcended this reality. So Mariah Carey's voice starts being heard as my blade song, as my blade is spinning around me. And now I have 40 feet worth of movement. I'm still going to skit around the edge of the pool and attack the Hellbeast on the left. Okay, yes, do what you want to do.
00:52:49
Speaker
Okay, I'm going to use green flame, are they within five feet of each other? Yes, yeah. I'm gonna use green flame blade then as well. Okay, yeah, on this one. Sorry, I'll make my attack action. Oh, I've moved up to it. As part of this move, my bird, my hawk has flanked.
00:53:10
Speaker
Or my hawks, my hawks are going to take a bonus action. My hawks are going to take a help action. It couldn't flank because they're next to each other. It can go behind it and use that, so you're on its left hand side, it can go behind it so you can use the help action. The hawks are going to use the help action to give me advantage. Yep, fine. Cool. Okay, I've got a 24...
00:53:41
Speaker
Let's try that one. Yeah, 24 to hit. Yeah, that hits.
00:53:47
Speaker
Okay and the one on the left takes five points of piercing damage and then the other one takes two points as his blade is spinning up all from this green flame flickers across the edge of the blade and as it pierces the first hound this fire seems to leap over to the other one and it takes two points of fire damage.
00:54:12
Speaker
Okay, nice. Great. Terrific. Balbazar, you've just witnessed Maurice sprint down to the festive bellows of Mariah Kelly and attack this death... Kelly? Mariah Kelly? Who the fuck is that? Mariah Carey, sorry. Mariah Carey. Trying to keep on top of this whilst actually managing you lots. What a night for Christmas. It is your turn. It's the Fiverr version. It is your turn, Balbazar. What do you want to do?
00:54:44
Speaker
You've gone for the one on the left, have you not, Maurice? That is correct, yes. Right. I will withdraw my crossbow and fire off an arrow to the one on the right. Yep, roll the hit. That's the first thing. Which came out as an 18 to hit. Yeah, it hits. And that does 11 points of piercing damage. Nice. Then I am going to send my steel defender
00:55:12
Speaker
Scooting down the other side around not over the pool again. He is a bit of a chunky boy Yeah, and he's gonna try and Headbutt away into also the one on the right hand side. Okay That is a 12 to hit Meets and beats Lovely so that did seven points one on the right again. Yeah
00:55:38
Speaker
Yep, yep, the one on the right, literally being bombarded by antlers and arrows. Okay, nice, terrific. That's the end of your turn. It is the dog's turn. Now, I'm right in thinking that the hawk is a valid target, isn't it? This is correct. Okay, what happens is the third one bundles out of the darkness and goes for the first thing it can see, which is the hawk, which is on the back of the one on the left.
00:56:06
Speaker
Is it within five feet of my reindeer?
00:56:14
Speaker
No, because it's behind the hawk. That's a 16 to hit. Yeah, that hits. It's dead. Yeah, it's guaranteed to be dead. It has one hit point. Yeah, sorry, it's dead. So what happens is the hawk disappears as this death dog leaps over the other two with this hawk in its mouth and it bites down. The acidic drips come out as the hawk vanishes. This one lands on the pool and skids.
00:56:40
Speaker
and falls prone as it's leapt over the other two. The one on the left is going to turn for you, Maurice. That's going to be a nine to hit. Maurice? Oh, sorry, a nine. Yeah.
00:57:00
Speaker
Sorry, I completely blanked out. Yeah, that miss is very much so. Okay, yep, and the one on the right is going to go for the reindeer. Cool. Okay, that is a 14 to hit. That's a miss. Okay, yep, so it goes to bite and just clamps down onto nothing but steel. That is the end. Oh, no, no, it's not the one... Oh, yes, it is, because the one on the centre can't do anything. Yep, it is the end of their turn.
00:57:30
Speaker
It is then moving through the initiative order. Fimbul, it's your turn. One of these has just landed prone on the pool. You've got one that's engaged with the reindeer and one that's engaged with Maurice. As the combat starts, we can hear Mariah Carey blasting in the background, and Fimbul has just witnessed this dog literally chomper-hawk out to the air and belly flop onto the ice below. Fimbul's going to activate her rage with her bonus action. She just meets out with this dog and goes,
00:58:00
Speaker
And she's going to pull this, the big star that she had at the beginning, off her back as she drops it to the floor. And you can hear it's a lot heavier than like other things before as it thumps loudly on the floor. There's a chain attached to it and a large peppermint style stick on the end. What appears to be an absolutely menacing looking flail that goes by the name of the star of Defliam.
00:58:26
Speaker
As she is then going to charge right at this middle doggy and bash him. Yeah it is prone so with advantage. Do you not get something when you rage? A plus two to my damage. A raging boner. A raging boner. That's right, thank you for reminding me. I'm a wild surge barbarian so I get an extra effect with my wild surge. Okay yep. Okay Darren, is this hellhound within 30 feet of... Yes, yes it is, yeah.
00:58:56
Speaker
In that case, can you make a constitution saving throw? Absolutely can. That is a five. He fails. Thimble as the anger starts to grow into it. There's actually a very familiar look that one of your ogre friends learned before as this ball of light starts to charge up within the chest and fires at the dog. The dog is going to take four points of radiant damage and is blinded until the start of thimble is next to him. Okay. Brilliant. Yep.
00:59:26
Speaker
So that's your wild rage done. We're now on to your action I see. Yep. Which is going to flying an attack. Yep. It's with advantage because it's prone. 17. Hits. In this case the pooch takes 8 points of bludgeoning damage.
00:59:49
Speaker
Okay, nice. Great. Yeah, so this radiant ball hits it and then all of a sudden you're able to fly over and just bring down this star of Deathly Hem onto this creature. I like it. Anything else for your turn? Last bit of movement that she might have. She has 40 feet worth of movement. She is then going to soar up a little bit if there's any space above where she can remain out of the dog's range. Basically just kind of horneting around him. Yep. Okay. Yep. You can horn it around the dog. That's absolutely fine. Big Willy, it's your turn.
01:00:19
Speaker
Okay so Big Willy grabs hold of his staff and he runs and jumps and lands flat on his arse on the ice and then does one swift movement with the staff to get speed. He is hurtling down like a bowling ball does in a bowling lane towards the hailhound and as he gets closest to one on the left
01:00:44
Speaker
with his left hand he snaps one of the thorns of ice on his clothes and then he pushes his hand out and he's going to watch as the icicle thorn starts to turn into this whip from the base of his hand and it grabs hold of the hellhound at 30 feet and he's going to use it to simultaneously pull himself closer to it within five feet and hurt the motherfucker because he's just used his kantrip thorn whip
01:01:12
Speaker
Go for it. What do you need to do? What happens? I miss because I only hit on a seven. Does a seven hit the hellhound? Seven misses. I'm going to miss the hellhound and wherever this momentum that I so beautifully described at the start of my turn takes me, that's where I end up. Okay, yep, so you end up probably about five, ten feet away from the hellhound as the whip just... But I don't bump into anything and hurt myself. You don't bump into anything, no. I'm going to...
01:01:44
Speaker
Only if you get shoved is this pool going to require difficult terrain, is you struggle to keep your feet on the ice. You can all keep your balance accordingly on the ice unless something happens to you is what I'm going to rule. I just cannonballed myself down a frozen swim pool. That's the end of my go. It suddenly happened.
01:02:07
Speaker
The doors throughout the darkness, something comes in. It is a large knife. It spirals through the womb. It is a spiritual weapon. And it is heading directly for you, Thimble. It's going to roll to attack you.
01:02:22
Speaker
it is a it's not very good it's a nine to hit that misses okay as the spiritual weapon misses all of a sudden you all hear this voice as the mariah carrie christmas music just seems to get stuck on and you and you
01:02:38
Speaker
And what happened is you hear a voice goes, as I traveled through many worlds, I found this song many times. Let me give you something more disappointing from earlier. I found someone much like me who tried to give a similar necklace to an alluring woman. It broke his wife's heart. I enjoyed it. As that happens, a crack of forms in the middle of the pool.
01:03:08
Speaker
And to find out what happened next, you're going to have to tune into next week's episode of The Fellowship of the Tabletop. Ooh, donkey. Something's coming out the crack. Ooh, chilly crackers. You say out the crack? That's exactly what Callum said. I chose to ignore it. There's a crack in the eyes. Something's coming out of the crack. I just thought I'd let it hang in the air before signing off, because what the fuck can I do with that? Let's be honest. There's no segue. There's nothing I can do with that.
01:03:38
Speaker
All I can say is, thank you for still listening. Thank you for making this a part of your everyday week. And if you feel inclined to do so, we would love you even more if you were to review, like, comment, and let other people know that we are out here in the interwebs. Then you can also let them know that we have a X page combined. It's at fellowship table individually. I'm at, I rolled one.
01:04:07
Speaker
Alpha Will is at. Natural20 Will. Callums at. TheD20Gamer. James is at. Chappy Dice Rock. Beta Will is at. Fellowship NPC PC. And our Hans Uber Express awesomeness of a DM can be found at DarrenPagio6. Until next time guys.