Become a Creator today!Start creating today - Share your story with the world!
Start for free
00:00:00
00:00:01
Ep 24: The Body Remembers: Healing Trauma and Realigning with Your True Self
34 Plays1 month ago
In this episode of Aligned Living with Dr. Autumn, Dr. Autumn talks with Cindy Lamb—trauma-transformation therapist and founder of the Human Liberation and Balance Institute—about how both childhood and adult traumas shape the brain and body. Together, they explore how healing happens when we unlearn old survival patterns and relearn how to live from a place of safety, freedom, and authenticity. With insights from neuroscience and real-life experience, this conversation is a reminder that no matter your past, you have the power to rewire and realign your life.
Intro and Outro Music Credit: Savage by Beat Mekanik, Free Music Archive, License type: CC BY
Please visit: www.autumnswain.com
Contact: autumn@thealignedleader.org
IG: @drautumnswain
FB: Autumn Alena Swain
How to find our guest:
Cindy Lamb, LCSW, LSCSW, CCTP
Recommended
Transcript
Introduction to the Align Living Podcast
00:00:06
Speaker
Hello there, I'm Dr. Autumn, leadership consultant, wellness coach, author, and I'm incredibly grateful to be your host of the Align Living Podcast.
00:00:20
Speaker
I'm here to equip you with the tools, inspiration, and practical tips necessary to lead a life of wholeness and pursue greater shalom in your life and that of your families, teams, and communities.
Exploring Holistic Well-being
00:00:35
Speaker
My mission is to empower you to lead from a place of holistic well-being. It's time to say, peace out to the fatigue, fog, and frustration of living in a place that lacks abundant well-being.
00:00:50
Speaker
Join me as we embark on a comprehensive exploration of spiritual, physical, mental, emotional, social, and economic well-being, all within the comforting embrace of one podcast.
Interview with Cindy
00:01:10
Speaker
All right, Cindy, welcome to the show. I'm so excited to be interviewing you. i have been waiting for this day since we met, so this is going to be fun. I'm glad to be here. i I'm really excited to have this conversation. and so Yeah, thanks for having me.
00:01:28
Speaker
Yeah, absolutely. And I could tell too, like ah people who know me know I'm very passionate about about what I get to do, like with Aligned Living, like, you know, all day I can nerd out on all things like holistic well-being. And so when I get to talk to somebody who can go a little bit deeper in one of those lanes, um it's really fun for me. But in talking to you, it's just evident that you're like equally passionate about the work that you get to do. And so um super fun. And I just love your heart to serve. And so but I do really want to tap into your expertise in this interview for sure.
Cindy's Journey into Trauma and Neuroplasticity
00:02:04
Speaker
But I would love for you to just kind of start out by sharing a little bit about your journey and like what really led you into the work of
00:02:12
Speaker
um trauma and helping people unlearn patterns. And then, of course, there's this very interesting term neuroplasticity that's been um way more commonly used more recently, i think, you know in a hopeful way that things can change, like we're not like stuck in a in a place. So, yeah, I would just love for you to share a little bit about your story.
00:02:34
Speaker
Sure. and Well, I originally went to school. My undergraduate degree was in a education, secondary education. I thought I was going to be a teacher and that just didn't really pan out. I took a year off between undergraduate and graduate school to really sort of try and decide what is it that I want to do and Being of service was always a piece of that, but what that was going to look like, I wasn't sure.
00:03:03
Speaker
And I ended up going and getting my master's in social work. And even then I wasn't sure what I wanted to do with that. It wasn't necessarily therapy that I had in mind when I went and got that degree.
00:03:18
Speaker
And what really sort of moved me into the space of what I do now is a role that I had for seven years where I worked for a transplant network.
00:03:32
Speaker
And my job was to go to hospitals and meet with families who were literally having the worst day of their life. Someone that they loved was either being declared brain dead or they were making the decision to remove the ventilation.
Understanding Human Behavior and Root Causes
00:03:50
Speaker
And I held that space with hundreds of families and When you sit in that space of suffering with people over and over and over again, it it changes you in a really profound way. And that really got my mind to a space of what, you know, what is the root of our suffering? How do we address this suffering and and what is our way out of this?
00:04:16
Speaker
And that's really when my research began around complex systems and how they intersect with our biology and physiology. And that's really what led up to where I am today.
00:04:27
Speaker
Yeah, so interesting. Just saying that alone leads to like so many questions for me, because um we are complex human beings. And even when I started out in community development, that looking at like holistic well being for leaders and communities like realizing like all these things us as human beings, um any cause you could possibly imagine, they're all so complex.
00:04:51
Speaker
And what you named to like, I think why you kept going deeper, like digging deeper into like what you wanted to do is like, where's the root cause of the things I'm wanting to solve, which I'm wildly passionate about.
Practical Steps for Bridging Well-being Gaps
00:05:03
Speaker
That's the whole reason for Align Living, like getting to the root of what makes us healthy and whole.
00:05:08
Speaker
And so I do want to go go there. um A lot of what I talked to talk about, um even within my Align Living community, but is, you know, we have this gap from where we are to where we want to be. And my goal is to help bridge that gap with people through like practical things that they could do. So giving people easy, quick, healthy recipes or, um you know, you know, talking about certain things related to spiritual formation or emotional health. So I want to use this time to really help people bridge the gap in the way of, you know mental well-being and even looking at like what what what one of the first questions I want to ask you is like when you first started doing your research and exploring how trauma impacts the brain,
00:05:57
Speaker
What surprised you the most in learning about like the connections between early experiences in life and then adult choices? So, you know, where I'm going this full circle is if that could be part of what people need to notice, start bridging this gap between like, OK, I want to be here, but I'm struggling making certain choices. So why don't you expand upon that for us a little bit more, whatever direction you want to take that?
00:06:22
Speaker
Sure. So we live in a culture that loves to oversimplify everything. We love simple solutions to complex problems.
00:06:35
Speaker
And it's very easy to lay out, ah say, in the in the field of of law and crime, hey, this is the law.
00:06:45
Speaker
This is what you have to do. You broke the law. Now you have this punishment. With zero... I think a lot of times even awareness or understanding of, and certainly no consideration for the mo the the multitude of complex factors that go into our behavior.
00:07:06
Speaker
And what really, I'll say this. When I first went in to social work, I didn't understand how someone could stay in an abusive relationship.
00:07:23
Speaker
I didn't have the depth of understanding about what that meant. To me, it was very simple. I would never allow that, right? that would How could you? How could you sit there and allow this kind of treatment to yourself and expose your children, right?
00:07:38
Speaker
and and And that is a but product of our culture to think that way, right? Everything is personal responsibility. if if If you're doing this or having this problem, you're the problem. You're not doing what you should or it's somehow a personal failing. And and that's so far off from the truth that we are.
00:08:03
Speaker
constantly influenced all day long by the systems that we interact with every day, the people that we come in contact with. There is a constant movement between our physiological and biological makeup and the external circumstances that we navigate.
00:08:22
Speaker
And what I really, really found fascinating was what makes us think that this wiring that that gets set up in young, in our very early childhood, somehow switches when we turn 18. The things that are embedded in how we function when we are growing up, which is the bedrock of how we learn how to navigate life, what relationships are, how we interact with others,
00:08:57
Speaker
Why do we think that somehow our childhood doesn't matter? What we learned growing up is irrelevant because we're an adult now. It's the exact opposite.
00:09:09
Speaker
Our childhood, our earliest years are fundamental and follow us for our entire lives. All of that we learn What is safe? What is love?
00:09:22
Speaker
What relationships look like? Is there contingencies about relationships? What is safe? What is not safe? What do I have to do to keep myself safe and get my needs met?
00:09:33
Speaker
Those things follow you your entire life. That doesn't change when you become an adult.
Impact of Early Experiences on Adult Behavior
00:09:40
Speaker
Those are survival behaviors. And when we're young, they're, they're very adaptive. They keep us safe.
00:09:47
Speaker
When we become adults, they become very problematic because they no longer really serve the same purpose, but we're getting consequences for those behaviors without understanding ourselves, why we do what we do.
00:10:04
Speaker
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay. So so now um understanding that, I can imagine there's a lot of people that are like, well, crap, you know, like all this stuff happened now. And I know that I'm dealing with things I need to unlearn. So what I would love to have you, um I'm going to share a quick little story, but I would love to have you speak to, you know, where where the hope is in all this, because obviously it's your line of work and and you believe and are passionate about like,
00:10:31
Speaker
once we start to unpack that and acknowledge its significance, then we can start to unlearn things um and relearn things that will help us on this hopeful journey. So you say that from ah place of hope, which is what's really exciting. And I think that's where the neuroplasticity you know conversation comes in.
00:10:51
Speaker
um And so i would love for you to talk a little bit about how you know, these things, they're not our identity, because we struggle with, you know something from our past, it doesn't, you know mean that, you know, that's like the way you always, you know, have to be, you can, you know, um learn to to do the work to help you make different choices, per se.
00:11:19
Speaker
ah So so let me just add this to that's the question you're going to answer. But I just want the audience to know this because it's just was so inspiring. I met Cindy at a social justice conference. um And she was showing brain scans and just ah literally literally like demonstrating you know, what can happen as a child um in your brain if you've experienced certain things, traumatic things, and then you know, the things that you could do, though, to help, um you know, transform your life and move in a better direction. But there was a gentleman there, formerly incarcerated and just found so much hope in your conversation, because he's like innately, I just thought I was a bad person. And that's why I did these things. I didn't make this association that because of how my brain developed as a child, there was this disconnect, I was more prone to making certain choices and nobody
00:12:08
Speaker
and not that that's an excuse, but by understanding that, okay, I need to deal with this stuff so that I can actually help my body physiologically make better choices. So, so that just whole thing to me, just wildly fascinating. So because Align Living is pretty practical and like, that's what I like to offer my audience. I would love for you to start breaking down, like, how can we start to move in a positive direction, acknowledging that none of us, you know, started from a perfect childhood. situation, you know?
00:12:39
Speaker
Sure. but Well, and, and and that is sort of the whole point of, of, of evolving as we move through life is how do i get better about moving through this experience in healthier ways?
00:12:53
Speaker
And to do that, you have to evolve the way you see yourself, how you interact with others. And that requires a lot of insight. We cannot make intentional change without awareness.
00:13:06
Speaker
And so you have to be willing to look at yourself through a very, I don't want to say critical lens, but you have to be willing to see what's really there. And what that means is you are who you are because that's how your brain had to develop to keep you safe.
00:13:26
Speaker
Now you're in a different space in your life. Do those same ways of thinking and behaving support your ability to have healthy, thriving relationships?
00:13:36
Speaker
Or do they get in the way? Do they cause friction? Do they um create more problems for you? And if you find yourself in these patterns of relationships that repeat themselves over and over, it's because you
Significance of Consistent Actions for Change
00:13:53
Speaker
need to do something different. If you want your life to change, you need to change and that requires understanding how your equipment works, how your brain and body work and taking control over that system instead of being at the mercy of it.
00:14:09
Speaker
um And one way to do that is to just simply understand. I developed this, um this let's just say as an example, when if you grew up in a household where it wasn't safe to express your emotions,
00:14:25
Speaker
ah When you cried or showed anger, maybe you were told to be quiet or you were punished. um Your nervous system learned that shut down to stay safe.
00:14:37
Speaker
You cannot show these things or you will be harmed. That's very adaptive when you're a child. When you continue to do that behavior as an adult, it's problematic.
00:14:49
Speaker
It manifests as disconnection in your relationships. You might struggle with anxiety or carry a sense of numbness with you. And the very first thing you need to do is just acknowledge that, yeah, this isn't working anymore. That's one of the first things I say with my clients.
00:15:06
Speaker
They'll tell me what's happening. and I say, how's that going? How's that working for you? And they inevitably go, it isn't. ah Okay, we're on the page same page here. And so what that means is we're not discounting the past. What we're saying is we need to teach your brain that you're in a different place in time now.
00:15:24
Speaker
The brain doesn't know. It runs on circuits. It's just running the same circuit over and over because there isn't a new circuit to run. So awareness is the beginning. It's like turning the light on in the in the room of darkness.
00:15:36
Speaker
But that isn't where the change happens. The change happens with these small intentional shifts over and over again. That's neuroplasticity.
00:15:47
Speaker
That's where you build that new route. Hey, I'm going to give you an experience where you do show a little bit of emotion. And guess what? Nothing bad happened. oh And I'm going to do that again. And I'm going to do that again. And I'm going to start with people who are safe around me.
00:16:02
Speaker
And then I'm going to expand that a little bit. And eventually your alarm system, your amygdala, your fight or flight system, isn't going to go off every single time you feel like you have an emotion.
00:16:16
Speaker
It's going to rewire and do this other thing, but it's not instantaneous and it takes time. It's like if you ever been on like a ah college campus where, you know, there's there's ah sidewalks going to all the different buildings, but there's also all these green spaces.
00:16:35
Speaker
And inevitably in these green spaces, there's also spots where there's no grass because people have taken these cut cut paths. That's what you're trying to do with neuroplasticity. You're creating a new path, but that cut path where there's no grass, that didn't happen overnight.
00:16:52
Speaker
People went over that again and again and again and again to create that. That's what neuroplasticity is. Going over it again, doing this new thing, re um you know practicing it again and again until that circuit gets hooked up and your brain just takes that route now.
00:17:12
Speaker
Mm-hmm. Yeah. You know, this is just reminds me of so much of life in general. You know, i think one one of the things that I encourage, you know, listeners to kind of like process after this is ah feel like in life, as humans, we want these quick fixes.
00:17:30
Speaker
Right. Like, you know, it could be anything. It could be with, ah you know, um a weight management thing or emotional regulation thing or relationships or whatever. It's like we want these quick fixes.
00:17:44
Speaker
um But i so I speak so much about like the the. challenge that instant gratification will bring to your life and why delayed gratification is such a beautiful thing.
00:17:55
Speaker
But it's like one of the things about Align Living I always say very vocally is it's not the sexy, like fun things. This is the like monotonous, like routine, like, you know, learning to deep breathe throughout the day um to bring in some inner calm, learning to move your body more regularly,
00:18:16
Speaker
I know it's the small things. And so what you're saying is so much of the hope in unlearning things and relearning a healthier pattern is just the willingness to take the baby steps.
00:18:28
Speaker
And it's like paying off debt, right? Just a little bit.
Overcoming Self-sabotage
00:18:31
Speaker
If you keep putting a ah little bit extra on that over time instead of waiting to win the lottery, like you're going to pay it off, you know, it but it just feels daunting up front because it's like, what kind of dent am I making?
00:18:45
Speaker
So it's like just doing those same small things over and over and over. it does make a huge difference. And so um if you could speak a little bit more to like, sometimes I feel like people get a little bit stuck on the front end. So like my expertise, one of them is in like the nutrition space. And so people like, I know I want to be healthier.
00:19:06
Speaker
And there are some basic things I know, like, yeah, I should drink water. But a lot of times people don't actually know how much water to to drink or yeah, I know I should eat healthy, but what does eating healthy actually look like? So if if you know that you have some maybe unhealthy ways of like viewing yourself or navigating relationships, but how how would you success or how would you suggest people actually pinpoint those?
00:19:32
Speaker
Because one of the things I discovered about myself, I only did in conversation with someone else. And like, it was like an aha moment, um But how how do can people start that self-discovery process?
00:19:45
Speaker
um So I want to make sure you understand, are you saying about habits or routines that they have that are unhealthy? Yeah, some of this, like, yeah, there's neuroplasticity stuff. If you're saying like, okay, you know, most of us have something we need to, ah well, everyone ah to unlearn and relearn.
00:20:05
Speaker
How does a person even start that self-discovery process and even know what the solution is? Sure. So first of all, i mean, you have to have enough awareness to go, hey, something in my life isn't working.
00:20:19
Speaker
This putting things off until the last minute, it always gets me in a bad spot. Okay. That's awareness. That's a recognition that this thing I do over and over again always makes me anxious.
00:20:33
Speaker
I don't do as good of work as I want because I don't have enough time. you know, whatever those stressors that come along with it are. So the first thing is i this thing isn't working for me anymore.
00:20:44
Speaker
And it causes these other things to happen that I don't like and don't want anymore. The next thing you do is go, why do I do this? What is the reason behind this? What is the underlying fear about doing it ahead of time? Am I procrastinating because I don't think I'm going to do a good job. And if I get started, um I feel like I'm going to fail.
00:21:08
Speaker
Is it that, um, i I don't feel competent in general. And so no matter what I do, I just have to rush through it and get it done. So I don't think about whether or not I'm good enough.
00:21:24
Speaker
You really have to get to that root reason of why am I doing this? Why am I choosing this versus doing it a week ahead of time? Some of it is just learned behavior. Some of it is you've just done it this way and your brain is just kind of doing it that way. It's an unconscious action.
00:21:44
Speaker
It's moving through life on autopilot without being intentional. So there's a piece of that to it going, I'm not just going to do what I've always done. I'm going to actually go, I'm going to be intentional about this.
00:21:57
Speaker
And I'm going to set a, you know, say for procrastination, I'm going to set an alarm and I'm going to do work for 10 minutes today. That's all I'm going to I'm going to sit down in front of my computer. I'm going to do 10 minutes and that's all I'm going to do.
00:22:09
Speaker
So you have to figure out the old wiring, what's going on there. And usually the help of a therapist is great. Then you have that awareness moment where you go, when I get in front of my computer, I freeze.
00:22:27
Speaker
I'm frozen. i I don't move. I i can't function. And that's frustrating. And I just want to avoid that. That's why I don't do it. Okay. Well, now we what's that intentional action? How do we move out of that state?
00:22:42
Speaker
That's that 10 minute timer. Okay. I'm going to sit in front of my computer, but I'm only going to allow myself to be in that space for 10 minutes and see what I can accomplish. I'm going to tolerate the uncomfortableness
00:22:58
Speaker
And then what you're going to do is your brain is going to finally go, oh, okay, that wasn't so bad. That wasn't a terrible thing. We actually did get started. We started the document and we put a few things in it.
Regulating the Nervous System
00:23:12
Speaker
And you start to sort of help your brain move to a different space and have a different relationship with being, say, in that case, in front of your computer. Because the spaces that we occupy are also very much tied to behaviors.
00:23:27
Speaker
If you're used to sitting here in front of your computer being frozen and that's what you do, then that's what your brain thinks is supposed to happen when you sit down in front of your computer.
00:23:40
Speaker
We don't do anything. hmm. Yeah. Yeah. So, okay. So ah something just came to my mind that I'm so intrigued to hear what you have to say about. So, you know, in some cases when we're moving from where we are to where we want to be, it's, you know, front, maybe it's a lack of knowledge. You need to go through the self-awareness process. But what What about when people know what to do and they still choose not to do it? Like this whole self-sabotage thing.
00:24:08
Speaker
When people struggle with kind of like self-sabotaging actions, when they're like, I know I should do this, but I'm going to choose this anyways. What do you think are some of the most...
00:24:19
Speaker
common reasons why people do that? Because then that might help them say like, okay, how can I counter that if I know that these are some of the root cause reasons why I tend to have those tendencies?
00:24:33
Speaker
So self-sabotage in itself, the term ah sometimes gets mistakenly connected to weakness or brokenness.
00:24:45
Speaker
Like I've got this fault. I do this to myself. And the reality is most of that type of behavior is straight up wiring. It's just the circuit that's running.
00:24:57
Speaker
And unless you are very intentional about making change, you're just going to do what you do. You're going to autopilot. Your circuits are going to run the way they've always run. And so the brain is really, as you know, designed to keep us safe.
00:25:12
Speaker
And when you've lived through trauma or stress, It wires those survival patterns and things like shutting down, procrastinating, pushing people away.
00:25:24
Speaker
From that perspective, self sabotage is really self protection. her That's gotten you stuck on repeat. It worked. And you keep doing it, but now you don't need that protection, but you keep doing it.
00:25:39
Speaker
You're kind of stuck in a loop. And so what we do now is we start to think, out why am I doing this? That's where that awareness comes in and being able to go, okay, I understand it now, but I have to do something different.
00:25:57
Speaker
it's It's like I said before, if you want your life to change, you have to change.
Balancing Secondary Gains with Desired Changes
00:26:00
Speaker
You have to shift how you are perceiving this. Understand that this is a loop that's happening that you have to interrupt.
00:26:11
Speaker
When we get in those patterns,
00:26:16
Speaker
It's about regulating our nervous system. We get into uncomfortable spaces and we don't like that place of being uncomfortable. And so we resort to the familiar.
00:26:27
Speaker
So what would you say like are some of the most common reasons pay people maybe default to that approach of like, I know I should be doing this. I'm saying I have this goal and I should be doing this.
00:26:39
Speaker
But then just continue to not to like where your words and your actions don't line up. Like what would you say are some of the most common Common reasons for for that.
00:26:50
Speaker
When you say it's you know because the wiring. Yeah. A couple of things. One is ah there's there's generally speaking, some um core beliefs grounded in some negative core beliefs around that, that.
00:27:08
Speaker
i won't be successful if I try, I'm going to fail, so I'm just not going to try because then I won't prove that I'm a failure. There um is a likelihood that the what we call secondary gains are outweighing our perception of what the gain would be for changing the behavior.
00:27:28
Speaker
So maybe the behavior itself isn't great for us, but we get this other need met. I'll use myself as an example. I love sweets.
00:27:39
Speaker
I love sugar. I love it. I love it. I love it. And have struggled for almost 50 years with sugar. that addiction. And for me, i haven't changed it.
00:27:50
Speaker
Why? Because I haven't necessarily experienced any major health consequences from it yet. And secondary gain for me is that dopamine boost that I get when I eat it.
00:28:05
Speaker
And so for me, the secondary gain is, okay, I changed my eating habits, but what am I losing? I'm losing that flavor that I love. I'm losing these things that I have associated with happiness my entire life, the weight isn't shifted for me yet.
00:28:23
Speaker
I have not yet decided that the gains of not doing that behavior outweigh the thing that I think I'm going to lose. a So how do you correct that? Like, how do you move through that when people are experiencing that?
00:28:39
Speaker
So a couple of things. you try to identify another way to get that need met that you feel like you're going to lose. So for me, that dopamine fix and that flavor, it's a lot of times we have such stark thinking between black and white. We don't have a lot of gray. So we might be thinking, well, that means I can't ever have these sweets.
00:29:03
Speaker
I can't ever have these things that I love. And that's not true. So you start to sort of have a conversation with yourself. Well, what does this mean? How do I begin to put some boundaries around this that feel manageable?
00:29:17
Speaker
Maybe I don't have make the container of ice cream three servings anymore. Maybe I make it eight like it's supposed to be. the Sure. Okay. You know, maybe, maybe when that child part of me shows up and that's the part of me that always gets to choose what I eat, maybe the part of me that is more mature steps in and I go, okay, yeah, you're right.
00:29:43
Speaker
Yes, I want this. And I'm not going to have it right now because it's 1030 at night. Yeah. And you begin to sort of we think we're one, one person and we have all of these different parts of ourselves that show up with these different traits. Sure. And when you start to understand these different parts, you can create these different dynamics of literally having this conversation of the mature adult part of you, having a conversation with the child part of you and kind of resolve some of these things.
00:30:19
Speaker
Yeah, but that's sort of where you have to be. You have to have a really strong reason for wanting to change the positive gains from that change need to outweigh the secondary gains of not changing.
Attachment Styles and Relationship Dynamics
00:30:31
Speaker
Yeah, yeah. So it sounds like asking the question, why, why, why, why am I doing this? And, and I, you know, I would add it, I'm sure you would affirm that not doing that in isolation, like, you know, of course, therapy is really good when you find a good match, but also having like good friends, family, people around you that love you, being willing to be vulnerable and talk to them about it, because they might see something that you don't see, or they might help you pinpoint something that you're not seeing. But yeah, it sounds like so much of this helping to rewire is Like, why am I doing this? Why is this happening? Why? Right. And and trying to like be really honest about that question.
00:31:07
Speaker
um So speaking of, I want to transition into our last question because I told you I really wanted to touch on Of course, I could go on and on asking you more questions. And and I would love for you to maybe we'll I'll have you on again, just to even go deeper into like the complexities of this unlearning and rewiring. cause It's all really fascinating.
00:31:27
Speaker
um And even the connections between probably emotional regulation in the process, like how do we identify our emotions in that process of of how what role they play. But I want to talk about relationships and attachment styles really quick for the last couple minutes. This is the last question I have, because so much to me, you know, aligned living, yet physical health, spiritual health, emotional health mental health, they're all super, super important. But community and relationships are such a valuable part of our lives. And if we keep making choices that are hurting the relationships in our lives, it's really, really going impact us. Right. And so um I would love for you just to, you know, briefly speak into, you
00:32:06
Speaker
you know, what are attachment styles and how do they shape the way that we connect with others? And um you probably don't have time to really go into too much like what steps people can take to to learn healthier patterns, but there's a lot of information out there on on this. So even just giving a quick overview, like a teaser on like these are um what what attachment styles are. and And this is why they're so significant, because I again, started learning a little bit about this and had some aha moments and it's helped me so, so much. So maybe it will help somebody else by even just starting the conversation.
00:32:49
Speaker
Sure. Sure. And, and it is, um, obviously much more in depth and, and intricate than what, you know, what I can really, uh, share here, but.
00:33:00
Speaker
Really at at the the foundation of it, attachment styles are our nervous systems blueprint for connection. How do we connect with other people? What are the parameters of that? What is the criteria?
00:33:12
Speaker
And that develops as we ah from the moment we're born through the first several years of life. Our primary caregivers determine how we learn what relationships are supposed to be.
00:33:26
Speaker
ah Is there safety? Is there contingencies about getting my needs met? Do I have to show up a particular way in order to get what I need? Is it conditional, unconditional?
00:33:39
Speaker
We learn what we have to do to have these types of relationships. Is there meaning and value in these connections or is it strictly transactional?
00:33:51
Speaker
And you carry that through all your relationships as you get older. And the thing about that is it's not set in stone, that awareness about how you're showing up ah can help you move toward what we call secure attachment.
00:34:09
Speaker
And um yeah, whether our needs are gonna be wet, whether or not it's safe to be vulnerable, whether or not there's conditions that we have to meet, that's all that makes up our attachment style.
00:34:22
Speaker
And that's how we show up is, oh, I understand that if I, um, if I lean in and I become vulnerable, then it's not safe for me. So those people just, they seem like they just don't ever share anything and they're really distant from you.
00:34:40
Speaker
That's a survival strategy. That's how they had to move through life. Isn't working so great now. And so having that awareness that there needs to be a shift in how they want to engage with other people.
00:34:52
Speaker
And understanding that that was conditional. That was when you were a child. Is that really how you want to keep showing up? Is that how you want to continue to engage with people?
00:35:07
Speaker
Because you will continue to get what you've always got if you keep showing up like you're showing up. Yeah, absolutely. So like just to kind of wrap up for something super interesting, ah just to kind of give an example, um secure attachment is the goal, but there's I know two of the primary attachment styles are avoidant attachment and um anxious attachment. And of course, a person could just Google those really quick to get a summary of what what they're like. But you could probably, you know, the average person could make a little assumption on like what those two mean.
00:35:39
Speaker
If you were to if two people were in a relationship, one was more avoidant attachment one was more anxious attachment um and they wanted to find some secure attachments. What are like a couple of things that a person could do like that?
00:35:54
Speaker
Those two people could do to start to move in a healthier direction when their natural tendencies are to do the opposite of each other.
00:36:04
Speaker
Uh, I would say that someone who's avoidant attachment and someone who is, ah anxious attachment would not probably be in a relationship for very long. ah primarily because the person who's avoidant attachment would not be able to tolerate the cleanliness.
00:36:22
Speaker
of the anxious attachment person that would get, that would really drive them crazy. This person's too needy for me. I can't, I can't, I can't meet this need. Um, generally speaking, I don't think those two attachment types would really, um, stand together for very long, unless they were really mild types of, of, of those behaviors.
00:36:46
Speaker
But again, it first has to come to awareness. I'm showing up in a particular way that creates a dynamic with this other person that isn't sustainable.
00:36:58
Speaker
How do I need to shift? What do I need to do to change how I perceive myself? change how i um, engage with this other person to get this relationship in a place of safe, secure, uh, safety and security and, uh, a comfortable place of being able to be vulnerable with them.
00:37:18
Speaker
That takes time. Um, and I'm not a big fan of couples therapy, to be honest with you, we all are very complex and do your own therapy, just do your own therapy because,
00:37:32
Speaker
um you're both going to bring ah so much to the table that it really turns into a, see, you're the one that needs to change, not me.
Embracing Discomfort for Growth and Change
00:37:40
Speaker
a Yeah, I get that.
00:37:43
Speaker
I could see how that can happen quickly. um But yeah, so I have, I've loved this conversation. What i would love to do, um of course, I want you to tell people where they could find you, but also in the show notes, um I'm going to have you pass along a couple of your favorite like resources, just in general with the whole, um like if whatever there might be out there as it relates to just diving a little bit deeper in this like neuroplasticity and self discovery and unlearning rewiring all this is really um fascinating. Because I think we forget like how real our brains are, like, how massive how, our you know, that physiologically,
00:38:24
Speaker
um There could be things happening that with our nervous system is a lot harder to navigate than just plowing through a sheer willpower. So um but yeah, I I would love for you to wrap up with any like final words where people can find you anything you would like to share.
00:38:42
Speaker
Sure. ah I say this to my clients all the time.
00:38:50
Speaker
There is no comfort in the growth zone. And there is no growth in the comfort zone. If you want to change, it is going to be uncomfortable. That is the cost of change.
00:39:02
Speaker
And so you have to decide, am I willing to get in the space of being uncomfortable for this transition to evolve and move into a space where I can navigate life in a better way?
00:39:14
Speaker
Or do I just want to stay comfortable and deal with the way that things are? That's your choice, but you can't have both. You can't stay in your comfort zone and expect your life is going to look different.
00:39:28
Speaker
um The other thing I'll say is that none of this is singularly our individual fault, these things that happen.
00:39:41
Speaker
A lot of factors have to come together to create the dynamics and who we end up being. It's not personal failure. Yes, we have to take ownership ah of how we show up.
Conclusion and Final Thoughts
00:39:52
Speaker
And we also have to acknowledge that there are a lot of pieces that had to come together to create how we how we are showing up. So giving yourself a little bit of grace and saying, yes, I can show up and own that now I recognize and I'm willing to make some changes. And also, this isn't all just, I don't know what the heck I'm doing and I'm a bad person and I can't get my life together.
00:40:19
Speaker
That's not true. um Yeah. Yeah. So, I mean, anybody can reach out to me um through my website. I have a lot of information on there just in general about balance and alignment being central to our health and well-being.
00:40:36
Speaker
um and i'll put your output I'll put your website in the show notes, but what is it for people? It's humanlbi.org. Okay. Perfect. Awesome. Are you on social or no?
00:40:48
Speaker
I am. I'm on... ah YouTube and Instagram and LinkedIn. Okay. All right. I'll make sure that those are up there as well. But um yeah, thank you so much for taking the time to chat with me. I've been looking forward to this since this is our conference, but you know, life gets full, of but we made it happen and I'm really grateful for you and keep up the great work, keep helping people.
00:41:10
Speaker
And to my Align Living community, thank you for listening. And until next time, stay aligned.
00:41:21
Speaker
Thank you for tuning in to the Aligned Living Podcast. I'm Dr. Autumn, your guide on this journey to shalom or wholeness. Ready to embark on this journey of self-discovery and transformation?
00:41:36
Speaker
Head over to autumnswain.com to learn more and to dive deeper into the world of Aligned Living. Until next time, stay aligned.